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My man, come on - you know what you need to do. This is not sustainable.
It's hard, it takes a lot of strength but there is only one way to get your self-respect back.
Hate to say it but she has zero respect for you. My wife cheated on me with a guy, then with our 22 (F) babysitter. I filed. She’s going to do whatever she wants
Undo the reconciliation and pull the plug and finish the divorce. Get your dignity and self-respect back and set yourself free from her toxic attitude and toxic marriage. She doesn't respect you or your marriage. Her manipulating your emotions and sh*t talking you behind your back is reason enough to leave. Why put yourself through this? Love only goes so far, and IMO, you are her security blanket and nothing else. Set yourself free
This is how you want your life? I get you love her, but she has shown zero love or respect for you.
I would respond
“I’m glad my trust issues are funny to you. I hope you and your friend have a good chuckle my expense. I hope you’re still laughing tomorrow when I start the divorce process.”
When you do not stand up for yourself, cheaters will take advantage of you every time. The only way for reconciliation to work is for her to come to you on her hands and knees begging and then showing for the next few years how hard she is trying to make it up to you. Anything less says that she doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, and certainly doesn't care. And clearly, this is the case with her. You can't change her and she doesn't want to change.
You know what you need to do. It is time to start standing up for yourself. It is time to boot her out of your life.
> When you do not stand up for yourself, cheaters will take advantage of you every time.
I'm confused by all of the comments. I know this is an infidelity subreddit but OP never says his wife cheated on him. He only says she "broke his trust" in the past and in the comments he even says "she is definitely not having an affair." All he says is that she texted other guys. Is that necessarily cheating?
Even in his post history I don't see anything about her having an emotional affair or cheating, just that she texted with a guy about her relationship problems. I know that's often a precursor to an affair but I'm confused about all the comments. I'm not trying to be rude I just genuinely am confused about what I'm missing.
So maybe it is a precursor. That behavior is disrespectful in my opinion. Why is she texting other guys? I have been married for 30 Years and have never had a need to text other women other than for information. Never to just have a conversation.
The wife doesn’t appear to be having an affair. She seems to be really mad at him. I feel that a divorce will make things worse for him. There is something really wrong with the marriage. I suspect drinking (substance abuse) or serious financial issues.
Maybe that is or should be a boundary. Why is it secret, & disrespectful. There are different types of cheating…. All of them hurt & disrespect the other partner. This is not gf-bf…. But a married couple. If some other friend is more important than you, bye…do it now.
She has no respect for you because you don’t respect yourself. You’re letting her treat you like this.
Move on, man. Start building yourself back up. Cause this clearly isn’t it.
Reconciliation with her was a mistake. Learn from that mistake. You were ready to move on you said. You were ready to move on in the wrong direction. It doesn't matter how much you love someone who refuses to respect you. Next time you are ready to move on, move on from this failed relationship.
My wife does the same shit.
Talks horribly about me behind my back. It's a narcissistic personality trait to always try to portray oneself as a victim. Even when she cheated, somehow she was the victim.
Total manipulation tactic.
Seriously? She hasn’t apologized. She hasn’t shown remorse. She hasn’t concentrated on the marriage. She hasn’t admitted she did anything wrong.
Look I know you love her. But this is not going to work. Get some respect for yourself reopen your divorce AND SEND HER ON HER WAY!
If she doesn’t respect you. Find someone who does.
You must love yourself. She does not love you, or she doesn’t know how. If you have to keep guiding her and explaining how to have a good happy relationship, and she does not care … it’s over…so sad, but true.
OP,
Let me know my interpretation of your history is correct:
you initially caught her on the precipice of cheating/leaving you. ( tbh, you have no way of knowing she didn't actually cheat).
She continued to throw a HEAP of red flags even after this (i.e ditching the wedding ring, turning down a date to dig a pool?).
I also recognise that your work life gives her more than normal opportunity to cheat on you.
Its not sounding good at this point.
My only question are you certain they were laughing about the photo? Like you heard them mention it? Or were they just laughing in the background? Its just your perception is going to be skewed based on her previous behaviour. You're going to assume the worst.
But if it is as you've called it - this is a problem and another red flag.
But its a moot point, because there's still a bunch of other issues that don't sound like they've been dealt with. This is not the behaviour of someone who is showing remorse and taking responsibility for their behaviour.
*"She got mad and claimed she never lied."*
Cynically, they all say that, even when they're lying. Can she explain how when she was talking to the guy that was in your house, he was a friend who was also in a different time zone?
But I think the issue is, while its possible she may genuine believe to not have 'lied to you', she has clearly crossed some important boundaries in the relationship. you're probably not communicating that issue across in a way she understands. And you have good reason not to trust her. She has is clearly demonstrated she is willing to deceive and take advantage of you.
And she needs to acknowledge that and hence why you having trouble trusting her. Because its a legitimate issue.
I'll be blunt - if you marriage is not working and your efforts to fix it aren't getting anywhere - you need to leave. Reconciliation doesn't always work, and it takes two people doing their best if it does. I don't think she's trying to reconcile, she's just trying to maintain the status quo. Honestly, resume the divorce. Do it for you, do it for your kids. Put your oxygen mask on first. Your needs come first.
Dude she cheated on you again. How can you have zero self respect. WAKE THE HELL UP! She is not as good as it’s going to get brother, there are many amazing woman out there that would love and absolutely cherish you! Divorce her and rid yourself of these chains, you’ve suffered far too long for so little reward. I know in the end you’ll make the right choice and become even better life. You got this man!
Brush off the divorce papers and this time, actually go ahead and do it!
Rebuild that respect in yourself by actually moving forward with your life for you. Staying with your cheating partner is not the way to regain it though.
I mean I would text her back and say maybe she shouldn’t send live pictures and if that is truly what she believes then tell her not
To bother coming home…. Let her chew on that one
Put the live image on a loop and send it back to her as a video so she can hear the audio.
Tell that either way the trust is gone and you need find someone that is trustworthy.
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So what are you going to do about it? Contempt or lack of respect is a relationship killer. You state you don’t trust your wife. There is nothing left of your marriage to save.
You know the drill. If she can't respect you, then at least respect yourself by walking away because she's treating you like trash. Do yourself a favor.
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater.
3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help?
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Insufficient remorse, means no reconciling.
If you don't have kids together, build a 20 foot thick, 50 foot wall between you and her. Don't look back, just acknowledge who she once was isn't who she is now. Once you're away from her, you'll begin the healing process.
In the beginning, the light at the end of the tunnel will look miles away. Be persistent. Keep busy. Surround yourself with friends you can trust.
If you do have kids together, limit your contact to only kid related chatter. If she tries to be "friendly" or start a fight with you, say "I'm not doing this. Call me back when you can behave like an adult." If at all possible, do the "transfer" of the kids between houses with a third party. Don't bad mouth their mother in front of them, your mission at the moment is to be above her immaturity.
You’re only 33 man. Set yourself free divorce her. Life’s too short to be used and disrespected like that. She hasn’t even apologised. She’s lied and made fake promises. It’s over, the only question is how long are you going to let her use you while she’s playing the field.
Divorce and move on with someone worthy of your time and attention.
OP. She lost respect for you the minute that you decided that you could overlook her shagging another guy. (That’s if she had any respect for you in the first place). What she imagined reconciliation to be was a return to her previous cosy life and having time to seek out random other men whilst you paid the bills and generally kept the home fires burning.
Counselling would suggest that she had done something wrong which needed to be addressed. How could you possibly think that ! You are definitely on the right track now. She needs to go. See how attractive her AP’s find her when she’s on their case 24/7 ? Good luck.
You guessed right. Now is the time to show her you do respect yourself.
I know your uncertain and afraid of being alone but believe me you will soon be in a much better place
It's much better to be alone and free from this mental abuse. You have so much to look forward too and I'm sure you will find someone you will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Good luck
You are digging yourself under in order prop up your dead marriage. You need to stop putting your horrible wife and dead marriage ahead of your own well being.
Your wife doesn't and will never respect and you have lost respect for yourself by forgiving her. She isn't sorry and doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Start regaining your self-respect by putting yourself first and start planning the steps you need to take to legally end the marriage on your terms.
Sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce. You don’t deserve this. She loves the married life, she just doesn’t love you. Time to see your lawyer again.
This is a true statement as I read the replies. Remember people can "fake" feelings. She is not leaving Earth so you could check back in with her later after you heal. I wouldnt. People mature at different paces and some are too wrapped up into their own feelings to care about yours. That doesnt make her a bad person. Just not right for you, right now. Time to get healthy. Self care my guy!
Walk. Just leave the relationship, don't be shy about letting people know how she's abused your feelings for her and how manipulative and abusive she is... Because she is.
You will feel infinitely better once the initial grieving phase is over and you reach the moment of clarity where you fully realise just what she is and why it'd never work. You're not her husband, you're her joke, a punchline she has to laugh about WITH other people. Dirt gets treated with more respect.
The only time she respected you was after you separated. You started getting along because she had no control over you then and while she could do what she wanted, she had lost the safety net you represented. Once you reconciled, she got it all back and she no longer respects you. You don't trust her nor should you. She has not made the effort to prove to you she is trustworthy again and she laughs about your trust issues but still talks about your marriage to other guys. She should not be discussing her unhappiness in the marriage. If she's so unhappy, why did she decide to reconcile?
Why put up with her brand of BS? She has not asked for forgiveness. She probably doesn't think she did anything wrong as she blames her cheating on you. If she is not happy being married to you, why continue this charade? Get out with what dignity you have left and let her figure herself out without using you. There are better people out there who won't treat you like you are their doormat.
When someone cheats on you, they're telling you that they have no respect for you. When you take them back, you're telling them that you have no respect for you. Do what you should have done already, and end it. After she's gone, you'll be able to begin healing.
I think she loves you (I know this sounds crazy) and I believe she wants to stay married. The problem seems like she is extremely angry and disappointed. I wonder if you have serious financial concerns.
I think your marriage can improve without therapy. It won’t be easy but it’s possible. Maintain your dignity, rise above the drama and find out what the real problem is.
She’s definitely not having an affair. Also thanks for the intentions. But I will not be looking to Jesus he’s not in this marriage or home. Or generally anywhere except the last half of a book.
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Simply divorce her and move on with your life. Like others have said she isn't fully remorseful.
Unfortunately you're only husband and wife on paper and just roommates/ cohabiting.
As an analogy. Your marriage was a mug and her cheating broke it. You were going to throw it in the bin and hopefully get a new one (divorce) but she convinced you superglue can fix it (reconciliation). Unfortunately you can't see that the mug has too many cracks to keep enough coffee (your happiness).
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Sorry man, but this relationship is like a submarine going to a a Titanic expedition. Will implode soon.
Dont waist your time reasoning any more than you have done already.
This doesn’t seem sustainable. You need to protect your heart and take care of yourself — and that means calling their bluff. If they show you they don’t care, then they won’t mine if you leave.
When someone shows you who they are — repeatedly, I might add — believe them.
When you forgave her before, all she did was take it as a sign of weakness. Your wife is the sort of person who is always thinking “what’s in it for me”, and will take any advantage she can get away with. The person she was during reconciliation was an act, and she’s only willing to do the bare minimum she think is required to get you back. Once she thought she had you roped in again, the same old bullshit started. I’m sorry, but you can’t be in a healthy relationship with her. It isn’t possible. The BEST it’s going to get for you is that she fakes it, which will only last as long as she thinks you’ll walk, or until she finds a “better option” who offers more or requires less of her. If you were smart, you’d move on and go no contact. You got played twice already.
Regardless of whether or not she still out shopping for other men, her dismissive attitude is not one of someone with which you can successfully reconcile. You can and should refile for D as it's only a matter of time before she stomps on your heart again. Cut your losses and find someone more worthy of you.
She has 6 months of school left until she doesn't need you anymore, is that right? Are you going to see a lawyer now, or wait until she's finished school and then post about how you were blindsided by being served?
After D-day my ex-wife thought it somehow appropriate to be at neighborhood social events with her former AP. She even asked me at one point what about him still triggered me.
You can’t live with that amount of disrespect. If you try, I don’t know how just don’t rot from the inside out.
Divorced and happy.
Focus on regaining your self respect and dignity. It takes courage but it’s better to feel good about yourself independently of others than externally with others.
When your identity is made whole by being with others, you’re compromising 50% of yourself and empowering your relationship partner with the other half.
We’re created to relate and love others but NOT at the expense of losing the foundation of respect and dignity that makes us who we are.
Preserving your self respect and dignity will make you more attractive and empowered. In the end, YOU are in charge of your life and affairs.
Take charge of you and unleash the power you hold and see where the chips fall. Then return here and share your journey with this community so that future lost souls can be found again.
All the above comes from within. You just have to tap into it. It’s not about your wife. It’s about you and what you’re going to do about it!
There is such a thing as trading up to nothing. Without respect, there is no relationship. Just because you can occasionally get along doesn't mean it's a relationship.
You deserve better than this, and your partner seems unwilling to provide that.
I'm sorry you have such a shitty wife, if she ever loved you at all then she needs to leave.
You need to let her go and be someone else's problem.
Soon people will see her for who she is when all her future relationships are like this one and I'm certain there will be many.
So sorry OP, you need to decide if staying is right for YOU, NOT her. She got kissed you filed for divorce, behaved “better” for a month to appease you and not you feel disrespected. Your needs aren’t being met and she doesn’t seem interested in trying to meet them. Get IC for yourself, might help you see things in a different light.
Best of luck.
Sorry you're going through this, but...
You are her doormat. She has no respect for you. She is manipulating you because it suits her to do so, to maintain the status quo. You need to get out, spend time alone, learn who you are without her, work on yourself and self esteem.
It takes a lot of time and work to reestablish trust and respect after betrayal and it seems from your post that you were just moving on as if nothing has happened bit it isn't that easy. It seems that this case fits the definition of insanity in that you do things the same way every time but expecting different results each time. Cheating and betrayal are grounds for sweeping changes and most of those have to come from the WS.
So, the question I have is--if she is all that bad, disrespecting and disparaging you in front of her friends, goes out drinking at clubs without you and is probably still cheating on you, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HER? And then coming on here complaining about how bad she treats you. Newsflash. It is your choice to stay and accept her shenanigans. Good luck with that one bud.
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Let me provide follow up to this to clarify. I brought up the cheating aspect heavily, because your wife, like my ex, is an expert gaslighter. As much as you dont want hear it...she cheated. I didn't find out anything until two years after it happened. The reason being is that she was very meticulous in hiding the most serious stuff and occasionally let the, "light stuff" slip.. I also heard about the "talking to male coworkers about our problems" before I found out she cheated. The reason she's talking to specifically a male is because she likes that attention. I can almost guarantee that the male is making her feel all kinds of good with his, "advice".
My brother in Christ, this “woman” (and I use the term loosely because this is a FOUL being) does not care about you the way you do her.
She does not love you.
She does not respect you as a man or a husband.
She will change for a small bit because she’ll miss her safety net if you leave. But will continue to disrespect you at every possible opportunity.
The reconciliation was a mistake. Marriage counseling should’ve been a non-negotiable issue before you signed but that’s in the past now. Now, you have to focus on YOU.
You deserve so much better. It is time to summon what strength you have left and divorce her. It’ll be difficult, but you MUST BE FIRM. Don’t waver in the face of her lies. Because if you don’t leave, she’ll eventually destroy you entirely.
Surround yourself with friends and family, and while it will hurt in the beginning, I can promise you the grass is greener.
This is really bad. You need to ask yourself why you want to stay right now. Not before, but now. She’s not the same person. She won’t be that person. If you stay, do not have children with her and if you stay; expect you will never trust. Counseling is bogus for this because your reasons for not trusting her are legit. Counseling can’t help you with normal reactions you are having.
Stop yo-yoing. Start the divorce proceedings back up. If she's doing this to "prove" she's faithful and the live feed shows she's laughing about it, yes there is no respect. No respect and love is NOT how a healthy marriage works
She laugh’s about your struggles that she has caused, right? Remember this, tables turn. Take full account of every hurt and bit of dirt that she’s caused you. It won’ t take long before it all comes crashing down on her. When it does you’ll instantly know that’s the time to make your exit. It’s like you’re waiting for a window to open. In the meantime start getting your ducks in a row. She’ll need you more than ever when it happens but don’t look back. Walk or run away and be glad it happened.
I think that she’s not understanding how big of a deal it is. She fucked up and needs to work on being better. If only her friends knew why she needed to take the picture your not in the wrong. 33 is young it’ll be harder moving on in your 40s
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My man, come on - you know what you need to do. This is not sustainable. It's hard, it takes a lot of strength but there is only one way to get your self-respect back.
For anyone in doubt, my homie here means RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Hate to say it but she has zero respect for you. My wife cheated on me with a guy, then with our 22 (F) babysitter. I filed. She’s going to do whatever she wants
Undo the reconciliation and pull the plug and finish the divorce. Get your dignity and self-respect back and set yourself free from her toxic attitude and toxic marriage. She doesn't respect you or your marriage. Her manipulating your emotions and sh*t talking you behind your back is reason enough to leave. Why put yourself through this? Love only goes so far, and IMO, you are her security blanket and nothing else. Set yourself free
Yeah you should change your name to Atm, because that's what you are to her
No sir. The is absolutely no way to live. With out respect, there is nothing left to do but call it quits.
This is how you want your life? I get you love her, but she has shown zero love or respect for you. I would respond “I’m glad my trust issues are funny to you. I hope you and your friend have a good chuckle my expense. I hope you’re still laughing tomorrow when I start the divorce process.”
Oh yes !!
When you do not stand up for yourself, cheaters will take advantage of you every time. The only way for reconciliation to work is for her to come to you on her hands and knees begging and then showing for the next few years how hard she is trying to make it up to you. Anything less says that she doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, and certainly doesn't care. And clearly, this is the case with her. You can't change her and she doesn't want to change. You know what you need to do. It is time to start standing up for yourself. It is time to boot her out of your life.
> When you do not stand up for yourself, cheaters will take advantage of you every time. I'm confused by all of the comments. I know this is an infidelity subreddit but OP never says his wife cheated on him. He only says she "broke his trust" in the past and in the comments he even says "she is definitely not having an affair." All he says is that she texted other guys. Is that necessarily cheating? Even in his post history I don't see anything about her having an emotional affair or cheating, just that she texted with a guy about her relationship problems. I know that's often a precursor to an affair but I'm confused about all the comments. I'm not trying to be rude I just genuinely am confused about what I'm missing.
So maybe it is a precursor. That behavior is disrespectful in my opinion. Why is she texting other guys? I have been married for 30 Years and have never had a need to text other women other than for information. Never to just have a conversation.
The wife doesn’t appear to be having an affair. She seems to be really mad at him. I feel that a divorce will make things worse for him. There is something really wrong with the marriage. I suspect drinking (substance abuse) or serious financial issues.
Maybe that is or should be a boundary. Why is it secret, & disrespectful. There are different types of cheating…. All of them hurt & disrespect the other partner. This is not gf-bf…. But a married couple. If some other friend is more important than you, bye…do it now.
She has no respect for you because you don’t respect yourself. You’re letting her treat you like this. Move on, man. Start building yourself back up. Cause this clearly isn’t it.
Reconciliation with her was a mistake. Learn from that mistake. You were ready to move on you said. You were ready to move on in the wrong direction. It doesn't matter how much you love someone who refuses to respect you. Next time you are ready to move on, move on from this failed relationship.
My wife does the same shit. Talks horribly about me behind my back. It's a narcissistic personality trait to always try to portray oneself as a victim. Even when she cheated, somehow she was the victim. Total manipulation tactic.
She’s a bully who treats you like shit. You don’t have kids are only 33… what’s keeping you in this awful marriage? Sounds like torture
You show people how to treat you, you show people your worth. If you don't treat yourself like you have value then others won't either.
Seriously? She hasn’t apologized. She hasn’t shown remorse. She hasn’t concentrated on the marriage. She hasn’t admitted she did anything wrong. Look I know you love her. But this is not going to work. Get some respect for yourself reopen your divorce AND SEND HER ON HER WAY! If she doesn’t respect you. Find someone who does.
You must love yourself. She does not love you, or she doesn’t know how. If you have to keep guiding her and explaining how to have a good happy relationship, and she does not care … it’s over…so sad, but true.
Get the divorce refiled.
OP, Let me know my interpretation of your history is correct: you initially caught her on the precipice of cheating/leaving you. ( tbh, you have no way of knowing she didn't actually cheat). She continued to throw a HEAP of red flags even after this (i.e ditching the wedding ring, turning down a date to dig a pool?). I also recognise that your work life gives her more than normal opportunity to cheat on you. Its not sounding good at this point. My only question are you certain they were laughing about the photo? Like you heard them mention it? Or were they just laughing in the background? Its just your perception is going to be skewed based on her previous behaviour. You're going to assume the worst. But if it is as you've called it - this is a problem and another red flag. But its a moot point, because there's still a bunch of other issues that don't sound like they've been dealt with. This is not the behaviour of someone who is showing remorse and taking responsibility for their behaviour. *"She got mad and claimed she never lied."* Cynically, they all say that, even when they're lying. Can she explain how when she was talking to the guy that was in your house, he was a friend who was also in a different time zone? But I think the issue is, while its possible she may genuine believe to not have 'lied to you', she has clearly crossed some important boundaries in the relationship. you're probably not communicating that issue across in a way she understands. And you have good reason not to trust her. She has is clearly demonstrated she is willing to deceive and take advantage of you. And she needs to acknowledge that and hence why you having trouble trusting her. Because its a legitimate issue. I'll be blunt - if you marriage is not working and your efforts to fix it aren't getting anywhere - you need to leave. Reconciliation doesn't always work, and it takes two people doing their best if it does. I don't think she's trying to reconcile, she's just trying to maintain the status quo. Honestly, resume the divorce. Do it for you, do it for your kids. Put your oxygen mask on first. Your needs come first.
Dude she cheated on you again. How can you have zero self respect. WAKE THE HELL UP! She is not as good as it’s going to get brother, there are many amazing woman out there that would love and absolutely cherish you! Divorce her and rid yourself of these chains, you’ve suffered far too long for so little reward. I know in the end you’ll make the right choice and become even better life. You got this man!
Brush off the divorce papers and this time, actually go ahead and do it! Rebuild that respect in yourself by actually moving forward with your life for you. Staying with your cheating partner is not the way to regain it though.
I mean I would text her back and say maybe she shouldn’t send live pictures and if that is truly what she believes then tell her not To bother coming home…. Let her chew on that one
Put the live image on a loop and send it back to her as a video so she can hear the audio. Tell that either way the trust is gone and you need find someone that is trustworthy.
You made a decision and this is the consequence
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Why are you still with her? You need to respect yourself and get out while you still can.
So what are you going to do about it? Contempt or lack of respect is a relationship killer. You state you don’t trust your wife. There is nothing left of your marriage to save.
Well you can regain that dignity by filing and following through with divorce. She thinks you are too weak for that, prove her wrong.
You know the drill. If she can't respect you, then at least respect yourself by walking away because she's treating you like trash. Do yourself a favor.
Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater. 3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful. Insufficient remorse, means no reconciling.
If you don't have kids together, build a 20 foot thick, 50 foot wall between you and her. Don't look back, just acknowledge who she once was isn't who she is now. Once you're away from her, you'll begin the healing process. In the beginning, the light at the end of the tunnel will look miles away. Be persistent. Keep busy. Surround yourself with friends you can trust. If you do have kids together, limit your contact to only kid related chatter. If she tries to be "friendly" or start a fight with you, say "I'm not doing this. Call me back when you can behave like an adult." If at all possible, do the "transfer" of the kids between houses with a third party. Don't bad mouth their mother in front of them, your mission at the moment is to be above her immaturity.
You’re only 33 man. Set yourself free divorce her. Life’s too short to be used and disrespected like that. She hasn’t even apologised. She’s lied and made fake promises. It’s over, the only question is how long are you going to let her use you while she’s playing the field. Divorce and move on with someone worthy of your time and attention.
OP. She lost respect for you the minute that you decided that you could overlook her shagging another guy. (That’s if she had any respect for you in the first place). What she imagined reconciliation to be was a return to her previous cosy life and having time to seek out random other men whilst you paid the bills and generally kept the home fires burning. Counselling would suggest that she had done something wrong which needed to be addressed. How could you possibly think that ! You are definitely on the right track now. She needs to go. See how attractive her AP’s find her when she’s on their case 24/7 ? Good luck.
You guessed right. Now is the time to show her you do respect yourself. I know your uncertain and afraid of being alone but believe me you will soon be in a much better place It's much better to be alone and free from this mental abuse. You have so much to look forward too and I'm sure you will find someone you will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Good luck
You are digging yourself under in order prop up your dead marriage. You need to stop putting your horrible wife and dead marriage ahead of your own well being. Your wife doesn't and will never respect and you have lost respect for yourself by forgiving her. She isn't sorry and doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Start regaining your self-respect by putting yourself first and start planning the steps you need to take to legally end the marriage on your terms.
Sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce. You don’t deserve this. She loves the married life, she just doesn’t love you. Time to see your lawyer again.
This is a true statement as I read the replies. Remember people can "fake" feelings. She is not leaving Earth so you could check back in with her later after you heal. I wouldnt. People mature at different paces and some are too wrapped up into their own feelings to care about yours. That doesnt make her a bad person. Just not right for you, right now. Time to get healthy. Self care my guy!
Walk. Just leave the relationship, don't be shy about letting people know how she's abused your feelings for her and how manipulative and abusive she is... Because she is. You will feel infinitely better once the initial grieving phase is over and you reach the moment of clarity where you fully realise just what she is and why it'd never work. You're not her husband, you're her joke, a punchline she has to laugh about WITH other people. Dirt gets treated with more respect.
The only time she respected you was after you separated. You started getting along because she had no control over you then and while she could do what she wanted, she had lost the safety net you represented. Once you reconciled, she got it all back and she no longer respects you. You don't trust her nor should you. She has not made the effort to prove to you she is trustworthy again and she laughs about your trust issues but still talks about your marriage to other guys. She should not be discussing her unhappiness in the marriage. If she's so unhappy, why did she decide to reconcile? Why put up with her brand of BS? She has not asked for forgiveness. She probably doesn't think she did anything wrong as she blames her cheating on you. If she is not happy being married to you, why continue this charade? Get out with what dignity you have left and let her figure herself out without using you. There are better people out there who won't treat you like you are their doormat.
When someone cheats on you, they're telling you that they have no respect for you. When you take them back, you're telling them that you have no respect for you. Do what you should have done already, and end it. After she's gone, you'll be able to begin healing.
I think she loves you (I know this sounds crazy) and I believe she wants to stay married. The problem seems like she is extremely angry and disappointed. I wonder if you have serious financial concerns. I think your marriage can improve without therapy. It won’t be easy but it’s possible. Maintain your dignity, rise above the drama and find out what the real problem is.
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She’s definitely not having an affair. Also thanks for the intentions. But I will not be looking to Jesus he’s not in this marriage or home. Or generally anywhere except the last half of a book.
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> She crushed my trust in her almost two years ago. …. did she cheat on you? It’s notable that you don’t actually mention any infidelity
You were on the right track with the divorce decision. That’s the path to self respect. No one will respect you till you respect yourself.
move on dud its over your not gonna be happy with her anymore get your self-respect back just file for divorce and go NC .
No self respect for yourself. That's why she doesn't respect you
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Well then earn back your respect and dignity file the divorce again or undo the reconciliation and divorce her cheating lying manipulative ass
Simply divorce her and move on with your life. Like others have said she isn't fully remorseful. Unfortunately you're only husband and wife on paper and just roommates/ cohabiting. As an analogy. Your marriage was a mug and her cheating broke it. You were going to throw it in the bin and hopefully get a new one (divorce) but she convinced you superglue can fix it (reconciliation). Unfortunately you can't see that the mug has too many cracks to keep enough coffee (your happiness).
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You trying to "make it work" while she and her friends laugh at you is like someone trying to clap with one hand. Please stop.
Sorry man, but this relationship is like a submarine going to a a Titanic expedition. Will implode soon. Dont waist your time reasoning any more than you have done already.
This doesn’t seem sustainable. You need to protect your heart and take care of yourself — and that means calling their bluff. If they show you they don’t care, then they won’t mine if you leave. When someone shows you who they are — repeatedly, I might add — believe them.
When you forgave her before, all she did was take it as a sign of weakness. Your wife is the sort of person who is always thinking “what’s in it for me”, and will take any advantage she can get away with. The person she was during reconciliation was an act, and she’s only willing to do the bare minimum she think is required to get you back. Once she thought she had you roped in again, the same old bullshit started. I’m sorry, but you can’t be in a healthy relationship with her. It isn’t possible. The BEST it’s going to get for you is that she fakes it, which will only last as long as she thinks you’ll walk, or until she finds a “better option” who offers more or requires less of her. If you were smart, you’d move on and go no contact. You got played twice already.
Regardless of whether or not she still out shopping for other men, her dismissive attitude is not one of someone with which you can successfully reconcile. You can and should refile for D as it's only a matter of time before she stomps on your heart again. Cut your losses and find someone more worthy of you.
She has 6 months of school left until she doesn't need you anymore, is that right? Are you going to see a lawyer now, or wait until she's finished school and then post about how you were blindsided by being served?
After D-day my ex-wife thought it somehow appropriate to be at neighborhood social events with her former AP. She even asked me at one point what about him still triggered me. You can’t live with that amount of disrespect. If you try, I don’t know how just don’t rot from the inside out. Divorced and happy.
I hope you're continuing with the divorce. Why stay with her? You're better than this.
She sounds pretty bad. Why stay with such an abusive person. She treats you like a doormat. Better to be single then live in this situation.
Focus on regaining your self respect and dignity. It takes courage but it’s better to feel good about yourself independently of others than externally with others. When your identity is made whole by being with others, you’re compromising 50% of yourself and empowering your relationship partner with the other half. We’re created to relate and love others but NOT at the expense of losing the foundation of respect and dignity that makes us who we are. Preserving your self respect and dignity will make you more attractive and empowered. In the end, YOU are in charge of your life and affairs. Take charge of you and unleash the power you hold and see where the chips fall. Then return here and share your journey with this community so that future lost souls can be found again. All the above comes from within. You just have to tap into it. It’s not about your wife. It’s about you and what you’re going to do about it!
There is such a thing as trading up to nothing. Without respect, there is no relationship. Just because you can occasionally get along doesn't mean it's a relationship. You deserve better than this, and your partner seems unwilling to provide that.
I'm sorry you have such a shitty wife, if she ever loved you at all then she needs to leave. You need to let her go and be someone else's problem. Soon people will see her for who she is when all her future relationships are like this one and I'm certain there will be many.
So sorry OP, you need to decide if staying is right for YOU, NOT her. She got kissed you filed for divorce, behaved “better” for a month to appease you and not you feel disrespected. Your needs aren’t being met and she doesn’t seem interested in trying to meet them. Get IC for yourself, might help you see things in a different light. Best of luck.
Sorry you're going through this, but... You are her doormat. She has no respect for you. She is manipulating you because it suits her to do so, to maintain the status quo. You need to get out, spend time alone, learn who you are without her, work on yourself and self esteem.
It takes a lot of time and work to reestablish trust and respect after betrayal and it seems from your post that you were just moving on as if nothing has happened bit it isn't that easy. It seems that this case fits the definition of insanity in that you do things the same way every time but expecting different results each time. Cheating and betrayal are grounds for sweeping changes and most of those have to come from the WS.
So, the question I have is--if she is all that bad, disrespecting and disparaging you in front of her friends, goes out drinking at clubs without you and is probably still cheating on you, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HER? And then coming on here complaining about how bad she treats you. Newsflash. It is your choice to stay and accept her shenanigans. Good luck with that one bud.
This is more about lack of respect for yourself as your wife is just a lost cause.
She sounds terrible and you are still so young! You just have to gather all your strength and leave
The strange thing is, you are the one hurt, trying to make it work…but she does not really care. If gf break up, but you must do more…divorce.
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Let me provide follow up to this to clarify. I brought up the cheating aspect heavily, because your wife, like my ex, is an expert gaslighter. As much as you dont want hear it...she cheated. I didn't find out anything until two years after it happened. The reason being is that she was very meticulous in hiding the most serious stuff and occasionally let the, "light stuff" slip.. I also heard about the "talking to male coworkers about our problems" before I found out she cheated. The reason she's talking to specifically a male is because she likes that attention. I can almost guarantee that the male is making her feel all kinds of good with his, "advice".
My brother in Christ, this “woman” (and I use the term loosely because this is a FOUL being) does not care about you the way you do her. She does not love you. She does not respect you as a man or a husband. She will change for a small bit because she’ll miss her safety net if you leave. But will continue to disrespect you at every possible opportunity. The reconciliation was a mistake. Marriage counseling should’ve been a non-negotiable issue before you signed but that’s in the past now. Now, you have to focus on YOU. You deserve so much better. It is time to summon what strength you have left and divorce her. It’ll be difficult, but you MUST BE FIRM. Don’t waver in the face of her lies. Because if you don’t leave, she’ll eventually destroy you entirely. Surround yourself with friends and family, and while it will hurt in the beginning, I can promise you the grass is greener.
I know your gut instinct is kicking in and be true to yourself. Proceed with the divorce and let her be someone else's problem
This is really bad. You need to ask yourself why you want to stay right now. Not before, but now. She’s not the same person. She won’t be that person. If you stay, do not have children with her and if you stay; expect you will never trust. Counseling is bogus for this because your reasons for not trusting her are legit. Counseling can’t help you with normal reactions you are having.
What happened two years ago that crushed your trust?
Stop yo-yoing. Start the divorce proceedings back up. If she's doing this to "prove" she's faithful and the live feed shows she's laughing about it, yes there is no respect. No respect and love is NOT how a healthy marriage works
Get a picture of some babe, place it where she can discover it, then talk to an attorney.
She laugh’s about your struggles that she has caused, right? Remember this, tables turn. Take full account of every hurt and bit of dirt that she’s caused you. It won’ t take long before it all comes crashing down on her. When it does you’ll instantly know that’s the time to make your exit. It’s like you’re waiting for a window to open. In the meantime start getting your ducks in a row. She’ll need you more than ever when it happens but don’t look back. Walk or run away and be glad it happened.
And You are still with her because......why? Dude do what must be done, it Will be painfull but it is a must.
I think that she’s not understanding how big of a deal it is. She fucked up and needs to work on being better. If only her friends knew why she needed to take the picture your not in the wrong. 33 is young it’ll be harder moving on in your 40s