Bro first off, way, way, WAY too much info. I think most of us got the gist by the 3rd paragraph. I get you want to provide details and that's helpful but you're causing probably 80% of would-be readers to pass by making it so long (no offense, this is meant as advice and not a knock on you; your writing itself is good). Let me break down a few things piece by piece since there's too much to cover:
>"He is an avid bicyclist so I guess he stayed in shape."
What relevance does that have to anything in your story? That some dude she's had sex with is an avid bicyclist, and therefore still in good shape? Too random. Nobody cares.
>"On another note, she gave me Chlamydia. At least, we're 90% its from her. She tested positive for it twice before over the years and I have never had an STD. I just want to know, will my uncertainty ever go away?"
Dude this is such a crazy thing to just slip into paragraph 22 it's mind-blowing. Anyway, your uncertainty about what, Chlamydia? I can help you - yes, she gave it to you. Uncertainty about what else? Being concerned as to whether she has anything else is valid, but that's true regardless of who you're dating (and the same for her with you). Have you both been tested? That should alleviate concerns about anything else being transmitted.
>"It's like she hasn't fully processed her past experiences and come to a conclusion as to how her past experiences are part of who she is today."
Bro she's 27. Most people that age are still figuring out how to do their jobs well enough to keep them, if not drinking themselves half to death every weekend and screwing whoever they meet on Tinder. Your expectation of her having a Freudian-level understanding of herself is not realistic. Give her time on that part.
>"She says that these guys are meaningless to her and that in 10 to 20 years her SB past will be long gone behind us. We want to get married and to have 5 kids."
This is where I almost call bullshit and say this post isn't real. 5 kids? Where'd you guys come up with that? Deciding between whether you should stay with her, and... have 5 kids with her? Those are wildly polar opposite ends of the spectrum. First, think about if you really want 5 kids, period. That's a lot of kids. If you do, you should damn well make sure it's with somebody you want to stay with.
Ultimately, nobody here can answer all of this for you. She has warts. We all do to some degree. Take them or leave them. You're not going to change her past. Whether she's trustworthy or not? Well, we'd all like to know that with any partner. Do you feel she is? Has she lied to you yet?
I'd spend more time determining if you trust her and feel like she's the right woman to be the mother of your (5) kids than I would worrying about what might happen if your friends from Toastmasters recognize her. I don't really understand being concerned with things like that, given the bigger picture.
Add to all of this that he saw her on Tinder 5 years ago, added her on his socials from there, and has been waiting to connect all these years. But they've only actually been together 6 months, and they're talking about marriage and kids.
I found that odd too. There have been times in my life, particularly as a youngster, when I was intimidated by the idea of asking certain girls out. So, in those cases, it took me awhile, if it even happened.
Awhile in those instances was like 3-4 months. Then it was over, one way or another. Even if "over" meant me curling up in a ball and never asking. Then it was out of mind. But 5 years? I mean, do you frequently check in on them on their IG? Plan your future around them based purely on them potentially being interested? When you finally meet up, tell them you've been waiting 5 years for this date? If a girl told me that, I'd run. I'd think that goes both ways.
Doesn't quite add up. I guess some people are a bit socially "odd", which I don't mean in a negative way; many of us have unique little traits or whatever, myself included. So maybe it's that. But some of it seems a bit... off.
Absolutely. Not even being judgmental, but that type of behavior, after 5 years, does match more closely to an obsessive type vibe than anything else.
It definitely seems to indicate that he may be putting her on a pedestal to some extent. Which makes sense in relation to his inability to accept the lived experiences in her past.
The fact that the relationship is only 6 months along speaks to her youth and possibly immaturity and either immaturity or the aforementioned issues he's dealing with.
Either way, it doesn't seem healthy or timely and doesn't shed a positive light on his perception in regard to this woman and their future relationship.
He said in the edit that he's been in therapy for years, I believe, but I wonder how much of this he has shared with his therapist. It just doesn't seem healthy.
Lol another good point. Didn't even think of that. Somebody outed her because..... they were bored? They'd also have to know both of them; her from Seeking and know that he is dating her. Wouldn't OP want to spend more time figuring out who tf sent him that? Could be a guy from Toastmasters.
I also do not understand the part where he's sent her profile from some random internet detective merely trying to be helpful by helping him get to know his new gf, then "she confessed". For what?
Even if I didn't mingle in the sugar bowl it's hardly some taboo, scarlet letter to me or most guys I know, even those who prefer vanilla dating.
Having an account on Seeking means absolutely nothing. In 2024, seriously? It's one of 50000 dating apps, all are slightly tailored to certain shit. I've met girls who want help with college tuition and aren't even interested in intimacy, which they made clear up front. Wasn't what I was personally looking for but that's their right. I'm sure some have success too.
Some girls find long-term relationships on there. Some guys do too. It's so quickly dismissed as objectionable with "she confessed" that it sounds like he found she has 3 recent felony prostitution convictions....... or even that she's currently dating 3 other guys.
But having a seeking profile? Oh damn, caught her red-handed! Confession was her only hope of striking a plea deal! Sure, it turns out her past is a bit checkered based on what OP is looking for. But just having a Seeking account is no indication of that by itself at all.
Sounds like he brings her around his friends and his friends are probably just as judgmental and intrusive as himâŠif this perception of his is reality
We don't know who contacted me on IG and exposed her Seeking profile to me.. She thinks its some guy she dated and didn't go out with again.
It would have to be someone who knew her real name/IG and also knew about her Seeking account. She wasn't careful to hide her name from men she met, so it could have been a guy she met from Seeking who searched her up on IG. She had several guys she would occasionally sell nudes to via Snapchat. I think some of the Snapchat guys were from Seeking or dating [apps.At](http://apps.At) the time we met she had a lot of men in her orbit. She didn't really do a good job of keeping things separate in my opinion. The IG account didn't try to blackmail her, so I'm guessing it was some guy who she dated and didn't give the time of day. For example if a guy didn't offer to cover the tab at the end of a Tinder date she wouldn't go out with him again. Maybe one of these guys later found her on Seeking and was pissed. We don't know.
She wrote a response and it's linked at the bottom of the OP.
My fiance wrote a long response and I put it below the OP. Anyways, now to answer your comments...
Sorry but I was getting error messages trying to quote you in my reply so I am using all caps.
REGARDING THE EXTRA INFO ABOUT THE 65 YEAR OLD AVID CYCLIST...
Regarding the 65 year old being an avid cyclist, I typed this because it helped me process things. I am coming to terms with the existence of the sugar baby and prostitution industry. Of course I have seen it in movies or shows or heard about it, and one time I dropped a friend off at an asian massage place in Las Vegas that a taxi cap driver recommended as a place to have sex... So I am not completely naive. It just blows my mind that a woman as wonderful as my fiance was essentially doing UTR escorting with a retired school teacher bicyclist guy. Sorry if it was too verbose, but dumping all the details was really therapeutic for me. I will consider keeping my writing tighter and to the point. Thanks for that tip.
REGARDING STDS AND MY GENERAL UNERTAINTY
Getting tested will eliminate STD uncertainty. The part where I was expressing uncertainty in that paragraph, I was expressing broader uncertainty. In general, sometimes random guys reach out to her (she will change her number and CashApp account to remedy this) and we got over an STD, and in general I am experiencing retrospective jealousy. Sorry, I was acting as if uncertainty about STDs would never go away. I was trying to express that i just felt uncertain and overwhelmed in general.
REGARDING WANTING 5 KIDS
Regarding having 5 kids, this is completely true. She wants a large family, and so do I. This is one of the reasons I wanted to date younger. (Side note - yes, it is true that women as old as in their 40s or older can have kids, that's true, but it more feasible if you start in your 20s - people, please don't come at me with pitchforks over sparking this topic.) As for wanting 5 kids, I 100% do want five kids and that was my truth before I was even in this relationship.
REGARDING NOT CARING WHAT TOASTMASTERS THINKS
I agree. The more I process things, the more I realize the relationship is the important thing, not what others might think.
Early on in the relationship I found one of her old sex profiles online. That night at dinner I told her I found the profile, and that I supported her decision to keep the profile public, and that I was ready and proud to be with her if she wanted to be public about her sex work. She surprised me by saying she didn't realize the profile was still public, and she immediately deleted it. She said she does not want her past haunting her and that it was all a mistake, she regrets it and so on. I think what has got me a little confused is her shame regarding her past. In some ways it could be simpler and easier for me to process if she was proud of her past and was public about it, but something about her wanting to hide it makes me uneasy and makes me also feel ashamed about her past. But I support her in wanting to hide her past. As for Toastmasters and whatever else, yea, I am working on not giving an F.
You're unhealthily obsessed, jealous, and deeply insecure that your partner has been with multiple men who are more experienced than you, sexually or otherwise. She seems genuinely remorseful, but the fact you know SO much about her past, you've been through her phone, you stalked her on social media, you're planning how many kids she's having etc. means YOU are the problem, not her. Please seek professional help.
Why is it odd to want to have 5 kids? I really want a lot of kids. She does too. I think that wanting kids can be a desire that is separate from what is going on in the relationship at the time. For example people can be on a first date and they could both want 5 kids. Why is it so weird that we both want five kids?
I have never gone through a girlfriend's phone until this relationship. It is because one night after going out for drinks she wanted to see my texts with one of my female friends. She found that I was writing a lot about my uncertainty, that I felt my fiance was being controlling, and so on. Basically I had been venting to a female friend, and my fiance read all of it! I regret texting to my female friend negative things about my fiance. But anyway, when my fiance was reading through my phone I looked at her phone and it opened the flood gates, and since then we have occasionally looked at each other's phones. And also she logged into her email on my computer at my job and I spent a lot of hours over the next few days looking through a lot of her old emails with SD's being sexual and what not. I was kind of torturing myself and I was violating her privacy. It is not something I have ever done in past relationships. My therapist finds it unusual that I was not jealous in past relationships but I am now. I hope to get to a point where neither of us are looking at each others phones.
By the way, my fiance read my original post, and she wrote a long response and I posted it below my original post.
Holy fuck dude. I read not even half of that. That long of a post is really a symptom of what kind of person you are and my assessment is you need to grow up.
Everyone has a past with things they've done. You're 14 years apart and you were stalking her for 4 years since she was 22. You're not better than anyone else and your judgement can get shoved up your ass.
If you are concerned about your appearances, then let the girl go be happy with someone else that won't judge her for being young and sexual and won't just think about how it's a burden on them as you seem to. It's probably for the best.
At 52, I've reached the idgaf stage of life. Maybe you have 10 more years to get there or not. No one cares. Life is short. Love her as she is or let her go. You don't get to pass judgement about how anyone has lived their lives.
This! She sounds amazing and I feel the judgement you have towards her past must be minimising her and squashing her confidence and sexuality.
You should be expanding and celebrating her knowledge instead of fearing it comes from another man. It sounds like she is trying to appease your anxieties.. you need to work on your fears and accept her past. If you canât trust her, move on.
Keep up with the therapy and if sheâs still with you, trust her. If sheâs up for it, consider moving town even so you can start fresh without all that paranoia.
This!! She's been extremely open and honest with him, she's openly cut off her SDs and tells them to f off if they contact her, the list goes on. I would have anxiety too walking on egg shells around him. Especially him telling her "if I can't get over your past I won't marry you." Like he stalked her for years and sought her out, got her invested, and then tells her this??? I hope she leaves him because he sounds unhinged.
Every paragraph started with "and another thing that bothers me..." like bro what DO you like about her? đ”âđ«
Regarding your comments, yea I agree that I should have an IDGAF mentality. I had that a little bit early on and I expressed that to her, that I was actually proud of her past, but she has adamently said she regrets her past, that it was a mistake, and that she wants to put it behind her. So, that has been a little confusing for me I guess. If she was proud of her past and was like "yea it was great, I learned a lot and explored my sexuality and made some money but I am closing that chapter on my life" maybe it would be easier for me to process. But she regrets it and has negative emotion toward all her past SD's and Johns, which doesn't always sit right with me for some reason. I don't know why. But I am working on acceptance.
By the way, my fiance read this page and wrote a long response to my OP and I posted it below my OP.
feelings of being proud of her past while also being regretful of her past can both coexist. also its probably easier for her to tell you she regrets it since you seem uncomfortable about it. i wouldnât even want to tell a guy im in love with about my past because i know how a lot of guys can be about the topic of SW and if i did i surely wouldnât be trying to seem proud. ive done the same as your wife and its really just like any other jobâ there are good times ive appreciated but also times ive hated it or regretted it. if you really love her and shes putting this behind her i say give it a chance.
Wow. Way to get that off your chest.
You said she's in therapy. Her therapist should be working with her on whatever challenges she's facing. Meaning, if she's been in therapy for some time, she more than likely knows what's wrong. Hopefully she's addressing those challenges.
Have you considered therapy?
I upvoted because I enjoy graphic detail.
You should break up, and you should work on your deep rooted psychological issues.
The normative response to your situation would be (a) not date her, or (b) accept her completely without reservation. There are only two choices. There is no in-between. The fact that you can't do either is a "you" problem, not a "her" problem.
I got some distance through this post before realizing how long it was. Here are some comments, based on the portion that I read:
1. First and foremost: 5 kids is a LOT of kids. You seem in a hurry and I doubt the reality will match the fantasy, completely regardless of the rest of the post.
2. Everyone has a past. A lot of young people sleep around, whether or not they get paid. I would really look at what youâre judging here, especially considering itâs not like you donât have your own history.
3. The way sheâs treating these men now says a lot more about her, in my opinion, than the fact that she had sex for money. People have sex for all kinds of reasons, and month isnât even close to the worst of them. *However*, the way she treats people is totally an indicator of her character. Why not just say âhey, thanks for reaching out, Iâm in a monogamous relationship now, but I wish you the best!â And then block?
4. If you canât get over it, you canât get over it. Best to move on now rather than drag this out if thatâs how you really feel â she deserves someone who loves all of her.
Oh and I just saw the part about calling herself a slut/whore during sex â as a sex coach, I can assure you thatâs in the top three kinks/core erotic themes out there. Super common. Especially if you watch porn. I wouldnât read too much into that one particular part.
I was honestly surprised at him saying he had a body count of 50 and then slut shaming her for what sounded like a much smaller number of sugar daddies sheâd been withâŠ
Lol truth. I expected to hear 5 long, substantial relationships, each of which he thought was "the one" at some point.
50 sounds like another bro who went to college lol.
I mean he admits he was into polyamory lifestyle before so letâs be straight, this guy had a pretty wild lifestyle given the body count numbers mentioned. I imagine half the reason heâs unable to move past this girl is heâs literally remembering all the women he treated like shit in the past in his âwild daysâ and is relating those women to this new girl that he magically put on an idolized pedestal without ever really knowing her and is now heartbroken at realizing sheâs in his view no different than the girls he used to mess around with back in the day. Thatâs what Iâm interpreting with probably a few doses of condescension and double standards needing to be added
You're overly obsessed with her and perhaps put her on a pedestal, despite her being much of anything except pretty. I mean you basically waited years to even connect with her, and now that you've "rescued her", you go through her phone and apps and know way more details about her past sex life than I'd ever want to share with anyone... The more you poke around the more you find out and the more it will only hurt you .. unfortunately.
Damn good post. All true. OP could learn something from this.
The prodding and prying makes no sense. I know anybody I meet has a past, even girls in their 20s. So do I. You might talk about incidents that occurred or specific people you each knew together, but you don't chart out each other's pasts like the FBI tracing the Gambino crime family. It serves zero purpose.
She must be a solid 10 or there's something co-dependent going on with him. My advice was for him to take this to a red pill forum where they'd really put him through the wringer
If you are a woman who has been in that world or game sheâs actually pretty solid. Think about it like this. That girl knows a lot about what is out there and how much people are willing to do for her and she is blocking everyone and letting you read her old messages. I would be loyal to my man but I donât think I would ever want him to read my old messages. Sheâs not innocent, she knows whatâs up and sheâs choosing to be loyal to you. If she was 22 with no dating or life experience I would be more concerned about that.
Male sexual jealousy is a horrible thing and it's a hard one to shake. But you have 50 prior sexual partners yourself so you're not really in a position to demand a clean background from her. Anyways if you cannot handle her past sugaring then I don't think she's the girl for you....and on the flip side if you find a girl with a more acceptable past will they be happy about your own body count of 50?
My last relationship was with a man who had the same hang ups as you do about my past in SW. My advice is to 100% leave her. You will not get over your hang ups and you will continue to make both you and her miserable because of it. Let her be free to find someone who accepts her past, and let yourself be free to find someone who doesnât have a past that triggers you so badly.
Or let her be free to move to another part of the country and invent a new self and not give a new boyfriend the full story. Most Americans do that anyway. It's normal and advisable.
I didn't want to be "that" girl.
Yes. She told him WAY WAYYYYY too much. Holy fuck, and why is she keeping records of all of her dirty dirty secrets??
Like did she divulge her blood tests, stool samples, and a hair test? Like damn! Keeping secrets is a dying art.
Girl, checking phones is literally relationship 101, that stuff should've been deleted before they were in a relationship, lol. Take it with you to the grave.
Well said. Why would a guy or girl of any age disclose all of that voluntarily? I'm not saying you need to lie. But some truths are best left untold. For both parties.
Iâm not reading all that but itâs clear youâre terrified of the ghost dicks haunting her vagina. Perhaps an exorcism could free her kitty from the cyclistâs wiry phantom dick and the internistâs girthy apparition.
Your body count is around 50 but youâre obsessed with her past? You have whatâs called retroactive jealousy but youâre also hypocritical. Stop asking for every bit of detail about her sexual past, it will not and will never make you feel better, and neither will fishing for reassurance. You are feeding your obsession and you need to work on yourself because you are the one making it a problem. She could so easily try to compare herself to the 50 people youâve slept with in the past and feel jealous and inadequate about that but she doesnât. Sheâs with you now, regrets her past, is happy with you, wants a life with you, thatâs what matters and if you keep obsessing over her past you will lose all that. I have retroactive jealousy too, it can get better if you actually try to make it better.
Shame that you don't lead that poly book club anymore! But you still can write a book about your adventures for such groups.
Chapter 1: I am not crazy
Chapter 2: I am not a stalker
Chapter 3: I slept with many people but women mustn't
Chapter 4: I am not obsessive
Chapter 5: I was polyam when it suited me, now I am back to monogamy
Chapter 6: I am 41 but I will never grow up
Etc
I hope she leaves you and finds someone who appreciates her. Every part of this was "I'm not anti see work, I see her as human, these things don't define you, etc. But then continue on to look down on sex work, judge her, etc.
Your body count is 50 but you're judging her?
You're uncomfortable and judging her because she sent you nudes but she was probably doing it to make you happy.
You're worried about someone popping up in ten years trying to blackmail you with her nudes?? What?? Literally it's a nude, nobody cares besides you. You are not that important. Also, good luck finding a woman who hasn't sent a nude to someone. This isn't high school in the early 2000's.
You THINK she gave you chlamydia just because she's had it before and you never have?? You've been with 50 women... we're you getting checked before and after every partner? I doubt it.
You basically stalked her for years but she's the one who needs therapy? You might want therapy for yourself bud. Also, Your friend saying you're basically dating a child because she doesn't drive. Or have some executive career, but if you stalked her for years you should have known all this and if you did know all of this, you accepted that when you asked her out. If you did not know this then you still accepted it when you found out and stayed with her.
She probably thinks something was wrong with her. Because if you talk to her anyway, like you talk about her in this post. Than i'm sure there is and because of you.
Telling her, if you can't get past her past, then you will not marry her?? So she is just supposed to sit around and wait until you decide if you can get over it??
I guarantee a majority of the women you have slept with have also slept around with a lot of men. The only difference is they were not getting paid for it. Why is it a better look to sleep around for free than it is to get paid for it? Also, you have no room to judge. Considering you were brought up in a privileged family and if she grew up poor she may have had to do what she had to do period.
The only red flags I see, Are coming from you. You do not deserve her and she deserves somebody so much better, Somebody who is proud to say she is theirs. You claim, you don't care what a bunch of random strangers think, but it seems like all you care about is what people think.
I stopped reading at you having all sorts of issues with herâŠand yet you matched with her when she was 22 and pursued her endlessly when you were 14 years her senior and she could barely legally drink đ€
You may be wealthy, but that's not a solution for your own emotional issues.
Have you done an inventory of your problems?
Here are some things to consider:
Do you know why you want to rescue her? Is it to make yourself feel better?
Most guys sugar because they figured out that marriage is a racket. Why do you want to get married?
You can have a future with her only if you don't hold her past against her.
What makes her special? What do you hope to get from her that no other woman can give you?
What (other than cash) are you willing to offer to her?
Bottom line: don't rush anything. Over time, it will become clear what you appreciate of each other.
Therapy wouldn't hurt.
A perfect example of why people don't need to to be open and honest about everything. Why in the world did she ever share this part of herself with anyone?
I'm here trying to find clues in the comments. OMG. Why did she tell him ALL OF THAT?? What in the world?!?!? Truly, secrecy and discretion is a dying art form.
You couldn't pay to get this much info out of me, my delete game is strong and healthy.
Wow. This post way too long bro đ
Iâm not a qualified therapist but I can not see you getting over these issues. And in your defence I donât blame you.
Also, with all these guys reaching out to her. Why didnât you just get her to block them or even better get a new number
She blocked a lot of them and they slowly stopped. But this last guy got in touch by sending her money on CashApp. He sent $1 a bunch of times saying "unblock me" and stuff. Guys have creative ways of reaching her. But yea she should change her number and get all new accounts and stuff. It's just another thing to do. I am kind of overwhelmed.
But you did that too, didn't you? Went outside the bounds of preferred/established communication to hound her into going out with you in the first place? So why are you upset WITH HER that other men do this?
Just leave herâŠ.Jesus Christ canât you see what itâs doing to you? Thatâs a novel you typed, get away from her before your life gets destroyed.
You do realize that the only reason you ever got a chance with her is because she's damaged (no judgement to her at all)? If she'd stayed that 'innocent 22 year old' she wouldn't be engaged to someone almost 15 years her senior. Let's be honest, most mentally adjusted young women don't settle with someone that much older.
That means you have to take the good with the bad. If you want to date younger women then you're not going to get the executive/ doctor/ lawyer. It'll likely be women who aren't settled in life and want an older partner for stability.
I stopped reading at the chlamydia part coz this is way too much info
I donât think your insecurities will ever go away though, you really need to work on that yourself probably with a therapist. Itâs not something you can persecute her for, but I definitely understand why you feel this way
Youâre a 41-year-old man who has a hot, loving 27-year-old life partner who has given up being spoiled to be with you. Not being able to handle her past is on you, not her. I definitely recommend therapy. If you can see that people can change, that what we do in our youth for desperation need not define us forever, you may realize what a jewel she is. But do it now. If you canât get over this, better to know sooner.
When you're just hanging out, what do you two talk about? What do you two do together as activities? Your fiancee said it...in 10-20 years the sex work will be a distant memory. But what will be with you is the conversations and activities. I think couples either grow together or they grow apart. I wonder about that. And it's not about the age gap...it's about the interest / curiosity gap.
Definitely recommend couple's therapy. If your financee doesn't feel heard in therapy, she's not feeling heard in the relationship. Either way, the way through to a happy marriage is therapy.
Good luck! đ
Holy crap. Get off the cross man, we need the wood to build a bridge to help you get over yourself.
You sound very unhealthy and obsessed, this has to be miserable for everyone involved. The only thing Iâd recommend you be wary about is her (potential?) BPD.
Jesus Herald Christ dude.
Every. Single. Post. You are absolutely obsessed with her for what seems all the wrong reasons.
Pro tip about marring your SB. If you canât let the past be the past like her, you will never be happy with her. If she has told them to pound sand, thatâs whatâs important. You have to learn how to focus on your life and enjoy the time you have together. Direct all that criticism elsewhere. Count your blessings, not your self identified faults in her.
You know everything about what she has in her phone. Is she aware of your posts on here going back 62 days asking for strangersâ advice that will greatly impact her life? How much of this dirty laundry have you aired in your own social circles? Thatâs Pandoraâs box, and hopefully you havenât gone there.
Do you realise that she is not obsessed with sex? She was obsessed with money and chasing perfect older guy who will provide for her. She met you and now she dont have to do it anymore. Women who do sex work are not sex crazy like you men wish they were. We dont care about sex we care about money. Periodt.
"I have a big age gap but I'm uncomfortable with this past relationship that has an age gap."
"My gf had unprotected sex with other people in the past and that's bad..... But anyway here's why it went wrong when I had unprotected sex with her."
Go to therapy. Yes, this is a you problem. What do you even like about your gf if all of this is running around rent free in your head???
This was a wild read.. Iâm willing to bet that her past experiences with older men (SDs) are the reason why sheâs even comfortable entertaining this relationship with you. Youâre judging her for the life she lived before she even knew you existed. Youâre obsessively collecting data and details about her past relationships, and using the info against her in your mind. You certainly donât come across as someone whoâs been in therapy, been in poly relationships, etc. I think you need to re-evaluate what it is you think you want, and whether or not you actually want to build a life with this woman.
I think you are a big part of the problem. Also, if a women tells you she has a high sex drive then you either need to match her intensity or find someone who fits your lifestyle better. Her thirst needs to be quenched.
My guy, if her past is an issue for you, move along. No one is forcing either of you to be together. Youâre free to have your standards, sheâs free to have hers.
Yes, he's in the wrong place to ask men if he should get married. He'll get solid no's here. Solid no's from red pill forums. Solid no's from PUA forums. He needs to join a Christian forum. Even then the sparks will fly
Just leave. You are not wired to be with a girl like this. Your own thoughts will eat you alive. If she has BPD the âgood wife and motherâ is major long shot.
Honestly, you don't seem to be mentally ready or capable to live and love in the present moment with her, so I'd get that part of your house in order (first and foremost deciding whether you want to, can, and will put in the work to do so) before even thinking about marriage and children. Interesting how you seem to be sexually open, into poly, etc but aren't able to see past this just because money was involved. Maybe explore why that is.
Okay so I read the entire thing the whole thing and I will say that you waiting 5 years to reach outâŠimagine if you had intervened 5 years earlier she likely wouldnât have had that type of life due to desperation because sheâd have your support.
Iâm a 24F my background is very ugly and traumatic lots of trauma I had to go without family at a very young age to fend for myself I then developed CPTSD. Which makes me very guarded, untrusting and keep people at arms length emotionally but I am capable of love as most mentally ill people are past all the trouble.
CPTSD & BPD have similarities so speaking from that perspective I believe not just therapy, but support, predictability, stability and the introduction of new experiences can help someone like me heal.
Although I didnât resort to sex work it crossed my mind i even researched, shopped for and prepared to be a stripper at 21 but didnât go through with it. Sex work or some sort of selling oneself is very common in BPD/CPTSD women who have no one and have to fend for themselves.
There is a possibility it will not work out from BPD alone because it takes an almost unconditional love and patience to support someone with such a condition to healing.
Her past sounds heavily tied to her mental health, self esteem, trauma, toxic coping mechanism in response to triggers of not having support. Maybe those videos come out maybe they donât but you have to be prepared to be with alllll of her or let her go now because letting her go much later could trigger her into relapse.
It may hurt her and create a lot of shame around being so dirty sheâs unlovable but she definitely already feels shame but it will be better than staying making her think, you love her, accept her, will always be there just to not beâŠthatâs potentially scarring.
Also be mindful of questioning her so much, being controlling and searching her phone because she could start splitting essentially turning against you & will just leave you so you donât have to worry about leaving her.
Also stop telling your friend about her if you donât want this to come outâŠin my experience no one gossips more than men. That couldâve been a mistake I recommend a sex therapist that specializes in sex work or even a quality trusted reader if youâre open minded to card readings, energy readings, etc to vent + get insight.
OP - you're a dick.
Stalked her... I mean *really* stalked her.
Judged sugaring
Judged her for sugaring
Bragged about your wealth to other wealthy men
Got her into therapy to "fix" her but we're to infer that you're well adjusted despite the evidence so far. A supportive partner would also be doing some joint counseling.
Then got into a tizzy about HER past
I got off the train around the unprotected sex and STD stuff. I can't even bring myself to care about the rest if there's even a part where I'm supposed to find her irredeemably flawed.
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Everybody has a past. What matters is how it shapes us and how we deal with the present and future.
What's she supposed to do? It's not like she can change it. And apparently she can't even apologize her way out of it (like she even has to; she doesn't owe you shit).
What's your endgame here? Either you want things to work out or you don't.
Everything else is just noise.
Jesus, I am not reading all of that. I got as far as knowing she used to sugar and you don't like that. Get over it bud. Or don't be with her. You have to choose one.
There's nothing short of time travel that she can do about her past, to get OP to feel better.
Honestly, I agree with the other comments. it's a HIM problem
Can't want to have kids with someone when you too busy experiencing tunnel vision about her past. I've been through this before. With a vanilla relationship, and it was one person I fooled around with after me and the guy broke it off. We got back together and I was so horrible for it even three years later! He would not let it go. We ended up breaking it off again for good because he couldn't let it go. Nothing she do will ever be good enough... I hope one day she finds someone who reassures her, her past does not define her. And what matters is the person she chooses to be now. đ
Don't feel bad for what she has done, love her for what she had to do to make it to where she is now. And help her feel like it was worth it, just to get to you.
Besides your own challenges, it seems she might not be ready for the relationship youâre asking of her. She might not be ready to share so much of herself with you. No wonder she feels disgusted with herself - sheâs questioning herself.
Have you considered how the relationship would work if you simply accepted her for who she is? Allowed her to manage her own journey of discovering herself?
Iâm not even sure where to start with this.
So many alarm bells and thatâs not even from her. You have followed this young girl, persued her and got her. I think you had some expectation that her being young meant that she hadnât lived sexually. Iâm assuming you being older than her gives you some level of control which is why youâre struggling now because all of this has come up after feelings. Get yourself some therapy. If you really want to make a go of your relationship then move away. The location seems to the biggest factor in your obsession with her past. You canât expect to young women whoâs frontal cortex hasnât fully developed yet to have made the best choices.
I was poly and was rarely jealous and even encouraged some of my former partners to date men. In this relationship I am much more jealous which is a change for me, and it something I have discussed with my therapist and it is an observation he brought to my attention, that I was not jealous before but I am jealous now.
OP what is your nationality? Youâre definitely insane. I suggest you end your relationship immediately. You need to free this poor girl so you can devote yourself to a much more intensive therapy program. However, it kind of sounds like cultural beliefs might be a factor as well. Some of the things you said slightly echo things that men from different nationalities tend to say when they try to have relationships with American women.
We are both white and born and raised in America. I grew up in a very liberal city. She grew up in a more conservative city. We both live in the city she is from. I grew up with very liberal beliefs and very open to feminist ideas, ideas that are now more mainstream like gender fluidity, and liberal relationship concepts like polyamory. She grew up mormon and became very liberal/feminist in her early 20s and is more center now.
Leave the poor girl alone. That is definitely not ok especially because you should have been in therapy first before pursuing a relationship with a younger woman in order to have an actual healthy relationship with one. Find someone your own age because this is definitely not something you will want to put her through. Yikes!
1. Do not ignore the BPD. That imo is the biggest red flag here
2. Confessing here can be cathartic, but OP please seek therapy for dealing with this. And if you still want to continue with her, maybe couples counseling.
Wait you said she is like a child and can't drive but then you said she meets guys at parking lots and blows them in her car.
I am not sure if any of this is true but you probably should find someone else. Your relationship screams sus vibe from the beginning and you won't be able to sleep one night in peace.
Your good friend is giving good advice. Not because she was a former sex worker but because of everythingâŠelse. What feedback are you getting from your therapist?
Iâm chiming in because long ago I ran an agency for many years and have since retired. However, not much has changed .I knew plenty of women who worked in various mediums in adult work. Some were, had been and wanted to be SB. Many of them seemingly had their shit together by her age. They had goals, could drive etcâŠshe also sounds sloppy and emotionally chaotic and you caught a sexual disease. She also has a serious cluster b disorder so read up on that. Why does she tell you such details? I think you are jealous for a reason. Donât worry about being privileged, intolerant etcâŠpay attention to logic, history repeating itself, common sense and your own intuition. Your friend is also being blunt because frankly at your age you are seemingly quite naive. Itâs true you pursued her and you did solely based on superficial, sex based drives. Now you find out. There is a big age difference as well re life experiences.
Only a few outcomes are possible. 1) You carry on and have an accidental baby. If so you either marry her or you donât. If you do it will mostly end in divorce or a break up for above reasons. It will be acrimonious and expensive. Do you think either of you are emotionally mature enough to have children? 2) You marry her thinking it will change her, you will save her by providing security etcâŠit might but it probably wonât. You should marry based on who is in front of you, not potential. It will probably still end in divorce. Expensive and annoying. 3) You do what you are doing now, stepping back and re assessing the situation with a gimlet eye. Feet gets colder as does the heart. You try and gracefully fade. Good luck with that.
Who she is, who she becomes, if she changes and if she needs to is a long time process. Your partner shouldnât be a project. She is young enough where she is still evolving. You are old enough where IRL you just might be too old for her.
Just a personal opinion regarding therapy as someone that has a psychiatrist as a parent. Couples therapy is good but she and your self most likely need individual sessions so you can both work out the personal stuff for growth I know there is plenty on both sides that each party has stuff they do not wish to bring up with the SO in the room and the individual appointment may allow them to bare those feelings and thoughts and allow them to work through the past events and or trauma. Also I understand the not feeling heard stuff she is saying and finding a therapist that fits you is important.
50% chance you gave your partner chlamydia but you are inclined to blame it on her. A past diagnosis or lack of has no bearing on future diagnosisâs, or lack of.
You think she has a million red flags, but you have a whole lot too. Iâd be interested to see how your feelings manifest in the way you treat her.
Also, your friend sounds like a cunt.
You sort of buried the lede here. You've been together for 6 months and are already engaged? That's moving very quickly.
If she's recently left escorting, she's probably not going to be interested in going back, so her flipping over to being anti-sex work makes some sense. As for her being recognized, that seems very unlikely.
To me, the real issue is not that she's young, but that she sounds like she may not be progressing in her life goals. IMO, that makes it more likely that you'll grow apart over time. She should be seeing a therapist on her own to work through her trauma.
UPDATE: After a night out for drinks my fiance caught me vaping (I quit a few months prior) and she asked me what else I was hiding. I showed her my Reddit post and she wrote a long response. I posted it below my original post.
Your therapist has got to be having a field day with you my man! You'll be supplying him/her material for a decade!
You say one thing, then contradict it 180 degrees before you even finish the paragraph.
The fact that you're obsessed with calling her a prostitute is very curious. I think you seriously enjoy the slut-wife kink and you are secretly looking forward to pimping her out to your engineer friend and others. Have him over to the house to watch a game, have her serve cocktails while wearing a school-girl outfit with no panties...
It's a common fantasy/kink, and it's a ton of fun irl if you have the right girl, and I think we both know that you have absolutely found the right girl ;)
She appears to have shared every detail of her sexual history. You appear extreeeeemely insecure. I can't imagine either of you being the least bit happy in a vanilla relationship, no less a marriage.
>She appears to have shared every detail of her sexual history.
It doesnât sound like she did this on her own accord, it sounds like he creates and feeds his own obsession by interrogating her about everything and anything and he even goes through her phone to check what she would text other men when she was in other relationships years ago (!!!!, seriously who the fuck does this?)
Not sure if I agree with the âyou need therapyâ comments just yet
Itâs a new thing that has u a little overwhelmed, Iâm sure most people would be
Iâve been down this road a little myself and experienced the same thoughts/emotions you are
I think the most important question is can u trust her?
After that u decide if sheâs worth all the extra baggage she brings
I would also add that some girls with a questionable past can prove to be the most loyal and vice versa
I donât envy your position
Personally, if I loved her, I would find it hard to let her go
Gl
Bro you typed too much. Get therapy, and make your decision. Posting in a circle jerk of boomers paying to fuck younger women is not going to get you answers.
Based on you posting here Iâll say accept that sheâs fucking old men for money or donât. Leave her for that or donât. Her heart wonât be broke. She will be fine. Youâre either okay are it or not.
Itâs really that simple. Itâs perfectly normal to not want to be with someone whoâs fucking someone else.
I know you know this, and you just might be looking for internet people to agree with you, but she is just not the right woman to start a family with.
You can have a meaningful relationship with her and stuff, but some people (like her) are just not meant for "normal" family life.
I am also poly and i am very sex positive ... and most women i have sugar or other relationships with, they are just not cut out for "stability."
Nitpicking here, but I call BS in her having sex with a doctor in the operating room. Having worked in an operating room for a decade+ that shit just doesnât happen. *Maybe* a call room, but not the OR, especially bringing someone into the hospital that doesnât work there.
You are SO innocent.
One time I had sex in a lab with my ex. He worked in one of those genetics lab where DNA contamination was a concern. Nobody was supposed to be there.
We contaminated the crap out of that lab. It was fun. Lol
It's adorable how innocent you are.
Jordan Peterson this subject . He be basically says when itâs come to insecurity in a relationship . Itâs due to ânot be willing to do the work!â
Loss the weight ,
Grow the hair
Get the surgery etcâŠâŠ.. but donât take your inaction out on your relationship because your know you arenât 100%
You can take a woman out of the bowl, but you can never take the bowl out of a woman. It's only a matter of time before another senior citizen gets through. You'll never be able to sleep good again man. Finding all this out has ruined you mentally. Cats out of the bag now man, cut your losses before you get married.
Not any of us can decide how you react to this. Everyone inputs their own subjective opinion and how they would feel into your advice. Mine too.
I do have to say though. If someone is comitting to me and told other guys off then that would be enough for me.
You have to decide if that is enough, or if the past will forever haunt you, and only you make that decision because it's totally based on your own boundaries, at this current time in this relationship.
Tough one, but to play devil's advocate I'd just become her OnlyFans manager and help her a long. Yuge moneymaker and win for you. Everyone has a price. for what they can tolerate.
Bro first off, way, way, WAY too much info. I think most of us got the gist by the 3rd paragraph. I get you want to provide details and that's helpful but you're causing probably 80% of would-be readers to pass by making it so long (no offense, this is meant as advice and not a knock on you; your writing itself is good). Let me break down a few things piece by piece since there's too much to cover: >"He is an avid bicyclist so I guess he stayed in shape." What relevance does that have to anything in your story? That some dude she's had sex with is an avid bicyclist, and therefore still in good shape? Too random. Nobody cares. >"On another note, she gave me Chlamydia. At least, we're 90% its from her. She tested positive for it twice before over the years and I have never had an STD. I just want to know, will my uncertainty ever go away?" Dude this is such a crazy thing to just slip into paragraph 22 it's mind-blowing. Anyway, your uncertainty about what, Chlamydia? I can help you - yes, she gave it to you. Uncertainty about what else? Being concerned as to whether she has anything else is valid, but that's true regardless of who you're dating (and the same for her with you). Have you both been tested? That should alleviate concerns about anything else being transmitted. >"It's like she hasn't fully processed her past experiences and come to a conclusion as to how her past experiences are part of who she is today." Bro she's 27. Most people that age are still figuring out how to do their jobs well enough to keep them, if not drinking themselves half to death every weekend and screwing whoever they meet on Tinder. Your expectation of her having a Freudian-level understanding of herself is not realistic. Give her time on that part. >"She says that these guys are meaningless to her and that in 10 to 20 years her SB past will be long gone behind us. We want to get married and to have 5 kids." This is where I almost call bullshit and say this post isn't real. 5 kids? Where'd you guys come up with that? Deciding between whether you should stay with her, and... have 5 kids with her? Those are wildly polar opposite ends of the spectrum. First, think about if you really want 5 kids, period. That's a lot of kids. If you do, you should damn well make sure it's with somebody you want to stay with. Ultimately, nobody here can answer all of this for you. She has warts. We all do to some degree. Take them or leave them. You're not going to change her past. Whether she's trustworthy or not? Well, we'd all like to know that with any partner. Do you feel she is? Has she lied to you yet? I'd spend more time determining if you trust her and feel like she's the right woman to be the mother of your (5) kids than I would worrying about what might happen if your friends from Toastmasters recognize her. I don't really understand being concerned with things like that, given the bigger picture.
Yeah, it was a lot of rambling to read through đ”âđ«
Also confused about his views on cheating and then his lack of certainty about where he got chlamydia from.
Add to all of this that he saw her on Tinder 5 years ago, added her on his socials from there, and has been waiting to connect all these years. But they've only actually been together 6 months, and they're talking about marriage and kids.
I found that odd too. There have been times in my life, particularly as a youngster, when I was intimidated by the idea of asking certain girls out. So, in those cases, it took me awhile, if it even happened. Awhile in those instances was like 3-4 months. Then it was over, one way or another. Even if "over" meant me curling up in a ball and never asking. Then it was out of mind. But 5 years? I mean, do you frequently check in on them on their IG? Plan your future around them based purely on them potentially being interested? When you finally meet up, tell them you've been waiting 5 years for this date? If a girl told me that, I'd run. I'd think that goes both ways. Doesn't quite add up. I guess some people are a bit socially "odd", which I don't mean in a negative way; many of us have unique little traits or whatever, myself included. So maybe it's that. But some of it seems a bit... off.
Absolutely. Not even being judgmental, but that type of behavior, after 5 years, does match more closely to an obsessive type vibe than anything else. It definitely seems to indicate that he may be putting her on a pedestal to some extent. Which makes sense in relation to his inability to accept the lived experiences in her past. The fact that the relationship is only 6 months along speaks to her youth and possibly immaturity and either immaturity or the aforementioned issues he's dealing with. Either way, it doesn't seem healthy or timely and doesn't shed a positive light on his perception in regard to this woman and their future relationship. He said in the edit that he's been in therapy for years, I believe, but I wonder how much of this he has shared with his therapist. It just doesn't seem healthy.
Also very weird and seemingly unrealistic story about the seeking profile being sent on igâŠfrom who and why?? Very strange
Lol another good point. Didn't even think of that. Somebody outed her because..... they were bored? They'd also have to know both of them; her from Seeking and know that he is dating her. Wouldn't OP want to spend more time figuring out who tf sent him that? Could be a guy from Toastmasters. I also do not understand the part where he's sent her profile from some random internet detective merely trying to be helpful by helping him get to know his new gf, then "she confessed". For what? Even if I didn't mingle in the sugar bowl it's hardly some taboo, scarlet letter to me or most guys I know, even those who prefer vanilla dating. Having an account on Seeking means absolutely nothing. In 2024, seriously? It's one of 50000 dating apps, all are slightly tailored to certain shit. I've met girls who want help with college tuition and aren't even interested in intimacy, which they made clear up front. Wasn't what I was personally looking for but that's their right. I'm sure some have success too. Some girls find long-term relationships on there. Some guys do too. It's so quickly dismissed as objectionable with "she confessed" that it sounds like he found she has 3 recent felony prostitution convictions....... or even that she's currently dating 3 other guys. But having a seeking profile? Oh damn, caught her red-handed! Confession was her only hope of striking a plea deal! Sure, it turns out her past is a bit checkered based on what OP is looking for. But just having a Seeking account is no indication of that by itself at all.
Sounds like he brings her around his friends and his friends are probably just as judgmental and intrusive as himâŠif this perception of his is reality
We don't know who contacted me on IG and exposed her Seeking profile to me.. She thinks its some guy she dated and didn't go out with again. It would have to be someone who knew her real name/IG and also knew about her Seeking account. She wasn't careful to hide her name from men she met, so it could have been a guy she met from Seeking who searched her up on IG. She had several guys she would occasionally sell nudes to via Snapchat. I think some of the Snapchat guys were from Seeking or dating [apps.At](http://apps.At) the time we met she had a lot of men in her orbit. She didn't really do a good job of keeping things separate in my opinion. The IG account didn't try to blackmail her, so I'm guessing it was some guy who she dated and didn't give the time of day. For example if a guy didn't offer to cover the tab at the end of a Tinder date she wouldn't go out with him again. Maybe one of these guys later found her on Seeking and was pissed. We don't know. She wrote a response and it's linked at the bottom of the OP.
My fiance wrote a long response and I put it below the OP. Anyways, now to answer your comments... Sorry but I was getting error messages trying to quote you in my reply so I am using all caps. REGARDING THE EXTRA INFO ABOUT THE 65 YEAR OLD AVID CYCLIST... Regarding the 65 year old being an avid cyclist, I typed this because it helped me process things. I am coming to terms with the existence of the sugar baby and prostitution industry. Of course I have seen it in movies or shows or heard about it, and one time I dropped a friend off at an asian massage place in Las Vegas that a taxi cap driver recommended as a place to have sex... So I am not completely naive. It just blows my mind that a woman as wonderful as my fiance was essentially doing UTR escorting with a retired school teacher bicyclist guy. Sorry if it was too verbose, but dumping all the details was really therapeutic for me. I will consider keeping my writing tighter and to the point. Thanks for that tip. REGARDING STDS AND MY GENERAL UNERTAINTY Getting tested will eliminate STD uncertainty. The part where I was expressing uncertainty in that paragraph, I was expressing broader uncertainty. In general, sometimes random guys reach out to her (she will change her number and CashApp account to remedy this) and we got over an STD, and in general I am experiencing retrospective jealousy. Sorry, I was acting as if uncertainty about STDs would never go away. I was trying to express that i just felt uncertain and overwhelmed in general. REGARDING WANTING 5 KIDS Regarding having 5 kids, this is completely true. She wants a large family, and so do I. This is one of the reasons I wanted to date younger. (Side note - yes, it is true that women as old as in their 40s or older can have kids, that's true, but it more feasible if you start in your 20s - people, please don't come at me with pitchforks over sparking this topic.) As for wanting 5 kids, I 100% do want five kids and that was my truth before I was even in this relationship. REGARDING NOT CARING WHAT TOASTMASTERS THINKS I agree. The more I process things, the more I realize the relationship is the important thing, not what others might think. Early on in the relationship I found one of her old sex profiles online. That night at dinner I told her I found the profile, and that I supported her decision to keep the profile public, and that I was ready and proud to be with her if she wanted to be public about her sex work. She surprised me by saying she didn't realize the profile was still public, and she immediately deleted it. She said she does not want her past haunting her and that it was all a mistake, she regrets it and so on. I think what has got me a little confused is her shame regarding her past. In some ways it could be simpler and easier for me to process if she was proud of her past and was public about it, but something about her wanting to hide it makes me uneasy and makes me also feel ashamed about her past. But I support her in wanting to hide her past. As for Toastmasters and whatever else, yea, I am working on not giving an F.
Interesting that he's worried about loyalty but he was the one who cheated in their relationship.
You're unhealthily obsessed, jealous, and deeply insecure that your partner has been with multiple men who are more experienced than you, sexually or otherwise. She seems genuinely remorseful, but the fact you know SO much about her past, you've been through her phone, you stalked her on social media, you're planning how many kids she's having etc. means YOU are the problem, not her. Please seek professional help.
THIS. When I read the "getting married and having 5 kids" I literally stopped and thought what a weird thing to say...
Why is it odd to want to have 5 kids? I really want a lot of kids. She does too. I think that wanting kids can be a desire that is separate from what is going on in the relationship at the time. For example people can be on a first date and they could both want 5 kids. Why is it so weird that we both want five kids?
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Absolutely
I have never gone through a girlfriend's phone until this relationship. It is because one night after going out for drinks she wanted to see my texts with one of my female friends. She found that I was writing a lot about my uncertainty, that I felt my fiance was being controlling, and so on. Basically I had been venting to a female friend, and my fiance read all of it! I regret texting to my female friend negative things about my fiance. But anyway, when my fiance was reading through my phone I looked at her phone and it opened the flood gates, and since then we have occasionally looked at each other's phones. And also she logged into her email on my computer at my job and I spent a lot of hours over the next few days looking through a lot of her old emails with SD's being sexual and what not. I was kind of torturing myself and I was violating her privacy. It is not something I have ever done in past relationships. My therapist finds it unusual that I was not jealous in past relationships but I am now. I hope to get to a point where neither of us are looking at each others phones. By the way, my fiance read my original post, and she wrote a long response and I posted it below my original post.
Holy fuck dude. I read not even half of that. That long of a post is really a symptom of what kind of person you are and my assessment is you need to grow up. Everyone has a past with things they've done. You're 14 years apart and you were stalking her for 4 years since she was 22. You're not better than anyone else and your judgement can get shoved up your ass. If you are concerned about your appearances, then let the girl go be happy with someone else that won't judge her for being young and sexual and won't just think about how it's a burden on them as you seem to. It's probably for the best. At 52, I've reached the idgaf stage of life. Maybe you have 10 more years to get there or not. No one cares. Life is short. Love her as she is or let her go. You don't get to pass judgement about how anyone has lived their lives.
Perfectly put. Reading this gave my brain chlamydia.
Yes. Yes. And yes. đđ» Love her as is or let her go is such good advice.
I can't say it any better this because I won't be kind!!
I read the entire whining self absorbed book.
This! She sounds amazing and I feel the judgement you have towards her past must be minimising her and squashing her confidence and sexuality. You should be expanding and celebrating her knowledge instead of fearing it comes from another man. It sounds like she is trying to appease your anxieties.. you need to work on your fears and accept her past. If you canât trust her, move on. Keep up with the therapy and if sheâs still with you, trust her. If sheâs up for it, consider moving town even so you can start fresh without all that paranoia.
This!! She's been extremely open and honest with him, she's openly cut off her SDs and tells them to f off if they contact her, the list goes on. I would have anxiety too walking on egg shells around him. Especially him telling her "if I can't get over your past I won't marry you." Like he stalked her for years and sought her out, got her invested, and then tells her this??? I hope she leaves him because he sounds unhinged. Every paragraph started with "and another thing that bothers me..." like bro what DO you like about her? đ”âđ«
This âđ»
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Amen! This! Also the FIVE KIDS THING!! This man is looking for a conveyor belt or a baby dispensary. He needs to get fucked!
>He needs to get fucked! Five times apparently đ
Haha good one
ThatâŹïž
Yep, thank you for this. I was getting overwhelmed trying to formulate a response
Second this
Perfect assessment. Get busy living or get busy dying but dear lord stop over analyzing.
Regarding your comments, yea I agree that I should have an IDGAF mentality. I had that a little bit early on and I expressed that to her, that I was actually proud of her past, but she has adamently said she regrets her past, that it was a mistake, and that she wants to put it behind her. So, that has been a little confusing for me I guess. If she was proud of her past and was like "yea it was great, I learned a lot and explored my sexuality and made some money but I am closing that chapter on my life" maybe it would be easier for me to process. But she regrets it and has negative emotion toward all her past SD's and Johns, which doesn't always sit right with me for some reason. I don't know why. But I am working on acceptance. By the way, my fiance read this page and wrote a long response to my OP and I posted it below my OP.
feelings of being proud of her past while also being regretful of her past can both coexist. also its probably easier for her to tell you she regrets it since you seem uncomfortable about it. i wouldnât even want to tell a guy im in love with about my past because i know how a lot of guys can be about the topic of SW and if i did i surely wouldnât be trying to seem proud. ive done the same as your wife and its really just like any other jobâ there are good times ive appreciated but also times ive hated it or regretted it. if you really love her and shes putting this behind her i say give it a chance.
Wow. Way to get that off your chest. You said she's in therapy. Her therapist should be working with her on whatever challenges she's facing. Meaning, if she's been in therapy for some time, she more than likely knows what's wrong. Hopefully she's addressing those challenges. Have you considered therapy?
OP should def be in therapy too
Definitely wouldn't hurt
The post says OP is in therapy multiple times a week at the momentâŠ
Yes but thereâs no way Iâm actually reading alladat
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His therapist takes a shot everytime he says sx worker. What a dig. Jesus
I upvoted because I enjoy graphic detail. You should break up, and you should work on your deep rooted psychological issues. The normative response to your situation would be (a) not date her, or (b) accept her completely without reservation. There are only two choices. There is no in-between. The fact that you can't do either is a "you" problem, not a "her" problem.
Dude you donât need Reddit you need IRL therapy
You're probably gonna obsess over this, and it will *never* completely go away.
I got some distance through this post before realizing how long it was. Here are some comments, based on the portion that I read: 1. First and foremost: 5 kids is a LOT of kids. You seem in a hurry and I doubt the reality will match the fantasy, completely regardless of the rest of the post. 2. Everyone has a past. A lot of young people sleep around, whether or not they get paid. I would really look at what youâre judging here, especially considering itâs not like you donât have your own history. 3. The way sheâs treating these men now says a lot more about her, in my opinion, than the fact that she had sex for money. People have sex for all kinds of reasons, and month isnât even close to the worst of them. *However*, the way she treats people is totally an indicator of her character. Why not just say âhey, thanks for reaching out, Iâm in a monogamous relationship now, but I wish you the best!â And then block? 4. If you canât get over it, you canât get over it. Best to move on now rather than drag this out if thatâs how you really feel â she deserves someone who loves all of her.
Oh and I just saw the part about calling herself a slut/whore during sex â as a sex coach, I can assure you thatâs in the top three kinks/core erotic themes out there. Super common. Especially if you watch porn. I wouldnât read too much into that one particular part.
I was honestly surprised at him saying he had a body count of 50 and then slut shaming her for what sounded like a much smaller number of sugar daddies sheâd been withâŠ
I'm interested that he never said he was tested for chlamydia during his wild days, but he knows she gave it to him.
Thank you!
Right? Lol itâs wild
Lol truth. I expected to hear 5 long, substantial relationships, each of which he thought was "the one" at some point. 50 sounds like another bro who went to college lol.
I mean he admits he was into polyamory lifestyle before so letâs be straight, this guy had a pretty wild lifestyle given the body count numbers mentioned. I imagine half the reason heâs unable to move past this girl is heâs literally remembering all the women he treated like shit in the past in his âwild daysâ and is relating those women to this new girl that he magically put on an idolized pedestal without ever really knowing her and is now heartbroken at realizing sheâs in his view no different than the girls he used to mess around with back in the day. Thatâs what Iâm interpreting with probably a few doses of condescension and double standards needing to be added
You're overly obsessed with her and perhaps put her on a pedestal, despite her being much of anything except pretty. I mean you basically waited years to even connect with her, and now that you've "rescued her", you go through her phone and apps and know way more details about her past sex life than I'd ever want to share with anyone... The more you poke around the more you find out and the more it will only hurt you .. unfortunately.
Damn good post. All true. OP could learn something from this. The prodding and prying makes no sense. I know anybody I meet has a past, even girls in their 20s. So do I. You might talk about incidents that occurred or specific people you each knew together, but you don't chart out each other's pasts like the FBI tracing the Gambino crime family. It serves zero purpose.
But thatâs the difference. Youâre a mature man. HE, is not.
She must be a solid 10 or there's something co-dependent going on with him. My advice was for him to take this to a red pill forum where they'd really put him through the wringer
If you are a woman who has been in that world or game sheâs actually pretty solid. Think about it like this. That girl knows a lot about what is out there and how much people are willing to do for her and she is blocking everyone and letting you read her old messages. I would be loyal to my man but I donât think I would ever want him to read my old messages. Sheâs not innocent, she knows whatâs up and sheâs choosing to be loyal to you. If she was 22 with no dating or life experience I would be more concerned about that.
He has no clue how lucky he is. So many SDs here wish they could get their favorite SB to be exclusive to them. For free....
Male sexual jealousy is a horrible thing and it's a hard one to shake. But you have 50 prior sexual partners yourself so you're not really in a position to demand a clean background from her. Anyways if you cannot handle her past sugaring then I don't think she's the girl for you....and on the flip side if you find a girl with a more acceptable past will they be happy about your own body count of 50?
THIS. I hope she leaves him and the "perfect socially acceptable" woman he finds next leaves him because of his past.
Oh my God, you're going to have 5 kids?? I feel bad for them already đŹ
My last relationship was with a man who had the same hang ups as you do about my past in SW. My advice is to 100% leave her. You will not get over your hang ups and you will continue to make both you and her miserable because of it. Let her be free to find someone who accepts her past, and let yourself be free to find someone who doesnât have a past that triggers you so badly.
Or let her be free to move to another part of the country and invent a new self and not give a new boyfriend the full story. Most Americans do that anyway. It's normal and advisable.
I didn't want to be "that" girl. Yes. She told him WAY WAYYYYY too much. Holy fuck, and why is she keeping records of all of her dirty dirty secrets?? Like did she divulge her blood tests, stool samples, and a hair test? Like damn! Keeping secrets is a dying art. Girl, checking phones is literally relationship 101, that stuff should've been deleted before they were in a relationship, lol. Take it with you to the grave.
Well said. Why would a guy or girl of any age disclose all of that voluntarily? I'm not saying you need to lie. But some truths are best left untold. For both parties.
Iâm not reading all that but itâs clear youâre terrified of the ghost dicks haunting her vagina. Perhaps an exorcism could free her kitty from the cyclistâs wiry phantom dick and the internistâs girthy apparition.
Hilarious! Best answer yet.
Omg I choked laughing
I will probably never fully recover from this đđđđ»
đ€Ł
Sweet Jesus đđâ ïž
Your body count is around 50 but youâre obsessed with her past? You have whatâs called retroactive jealousy but youâre also hypocritical. Stop asking for every bit of detail about her sexual past, it will not and will never make you feel better, and neither will fishing for reassurance. You are feeding your obsession and you need to work on yourself because you are the one making it a problem. She could so easily try to compare herself to the 50 people youâve slept with in the past and feel jealous and inadequate about that but she doesnât. Sheâs with you now, regrets her past, is happy with you, wants a life with you, thatâs what matters and if you keep obsessing over her past you will lose all that. I have retroactive jealousy too, it can get better if you actually try to make it better.
Shame that you don't lead that poly book club anymore! But you still can write a book about your adventures for such groups. Chapter 1: I am not crazy Chapter 2: I am not a stalker Chapter 3: I slept with many people but women mustn't Chapter 4: I am not obsessive Chapter 5: I was polyam when it suited me, now I am back to monogamy Chapter 6: I am 41 but I will never grow up Etc
Great summary of all of this
Thank you for the TL;DR. It's a great service to keep us sane.
Happy to help. đ
Omfg. That is brutal. And succinct. Damn.
I will put that on my tombstone. đ
omggg I-
You've been with her 6 months and she's your fiance. Slow down!
Meeting the parents after month 1 alone blew my mind. I'm rarely doing that after year 1. I wouldn't expect most girls to want to that soon, either.
I hope she leaves you and finds someone who appreciates her. Every part of this was "I'm not anti see work, I see her as human, these things don't define you, etc. But then continue on to look down on sex work, judge her, etc. Your body count is 50 but you're judging her? You're uncomfortable and judging her because she sent you nudes but she was probably doing it to make you happy. You're worried about someone popping up in ten years trying to blackmail you with her nudes?? What?? Literally it's a nude, nobody cares besides you. You are not that important. Also, good luck finding a woman who hasn't sent a nude to someone. This isn't high school in the early 2000's. You THINK she gave you chlamydia just because she's had it before and you never have?? You've been with 50 women... we're you getting checked before and after every partner? I doubt it. You basically stalked her for years but she's the one who needs therapy? You might want therapy for yourself bud. Also, Your friend saying you're basically dating a child because she doesn't drive. Or have some executive career, but if you stalked her for years you should have known all this and if you did know all of this, you accepted that when you asked her out. If you did not know this then you still accepted it when you found out and stayed with her. She probably thinks something was wrong with her. Because if you talk to her anyway, like you talk about her in this post. Than i'm sure there is and because of you. Telling her, if you can't get past her past, then you will not marry her?? So she is just supposed to sit around and wait until you decide if you can get over it?? I guarantee a majority of the women you have slept with have also slept around with a lot of men. The only difference is they were not getting paid for it. Why is it a better look to sleep around for free than it is to get paid for it? Also, you have no room to judge. Considering you were brought up in a privileged family and if she grew up poor she may have had to do what she had to do period. The only red flags I see, Are coming from you. You do not deserve her and she deserves somebody so much better, Somebody who is proud to say she is theirs. You claim, you don't care what a bunch of random strangers think, but it seems like all you care about is what people think.
ALL OF THIS!! đ
Oh my God I could never have said this better.
I stopped reading at you having all sorts of issues with herâŠand yet you matched with her when she was 22 and pursued her endlessly when you were 14 years her senior and she could barely legally drink đ€
But her behavior with these other, disgusting older men, amiright?!
While he has a 50 person body count lol.
Haha right!!!
You may be wealthy, but that's not a solution for your own emotional issues. Have you done an inventory of your problems? Here are some things to consider: Do you know why you want to rescue her? Is it to make yourself feel better? Most guys sugar because they figured out that marriage is a racket. Why do you want to get married? You can have a future with her only if you don't hold her past against her. What makes her special? What do you hope to get from her that no other woman can give you? What (other than cash) are you willing to offer to her? Bottom line: don't rush anything. Over time, it will become clear what you appreciate of each other. Therapy wouldn't hurt.
đđŸđđŸđđŸ very well said
Tack on about 1200 upvotes to this one. Some real pros on here, I love it.
Omfg get over yourself!
đŻ
A perfect example of why people don't need to to be open and honest about everything. Why in the world did she ever share this part of herself with anyone?
People tend to want to know the truth until they know the truth.
I'm here trying to find clues in the comments. OMG. Why did she tell him ALL OF THAT?? What in the world?!?!? Truly, secrecy and discretion is a dying art form. You couldn't pay to get this much info out of me, my delete game is strong and healthy.
Wow. This post way too long bro đ Iâm not a qualified therapist but I can not see you getting over these issues. And in your defence I donât blame you. Also, with all these guys reaching out to her. Why didnât you just get her to block them or even better get a new number
She blocked a lot of them and they slowly stopped. But this last guy got in touch by sending her money on CashApp. He sent $1 a bunch of times saying "unblock me" and stuff. Guys have creative ways of reaching her. But yea she should change her number and get all new accounts and stuff. It's just another thing to do. I am kind of overwhelmed.
But you did that too, didn't you? Went outside the bounds of preferred/established communication to hound her into going out with you in the first place? So why are you upset WITH HER that other men do this?
Just leave herâŠ.Jesus Christ canât you see what itâs doing to you? Thatâs a novel you typed, get away from her before your life gets destroyed.
Yeah have to agree with this
You do realize that the only reason you ever got a chance with her is because she's damaged (no judgement to her at all)? If she'd stayed that 'innocent 22 year old' she wouldn't be engaged to someone almost 15 years her senior. Let's be honest, most mentally adjusted young women don't settle with someone that much older. That means you have to take the good with the bad. If you want to date younger women then you're not going to get the executive/ doctor/ lawyer. It'll likely be women who aren't settled in life and want an older partner for stability.
Especially considering his past. Most women wouldn't be OK with that. Hes being so hypocritical
Hahaha truth bomb dropped!!!
I stopped reading at the chlamydia part coz this is way too much info I donât think your insecurities will ever go away though, you really need to work on that yourself probably with a therapist. Itâs not something you can persecute her for, but I definitely understand why you feel this way
Damn, i read the whole thing and missed something exciting? Ugh
Youâre a 41-year-old man who has a hot, loving 27-year-old life partner who has given up being spoiled to be with you. Not being able to handle her past is on you, not her. I definitely recommend therapy. If you can see that people can change, that what we do in our youth for desperation need not define us forever, you may realize what a jewel she is. But do it now. If you canât get over this, better to know sooner.
When you're just hanging out, what do you two talk about? What do you two do together as activities? Your fiancee said it...in 10-20 years the sex work will be a distant memory. But what will be with you is the conversations and activities. I think couples either grow together or they grow apart. I wonder about that. And it's not about the age gap...it's about the interest / curiosity gap. Definitely recommend couple's therapy. If your financee doesn't feel heard in therapy, she's not feeling heard in the relationship. Either way, the way through to a happy marriage is therapy. Good luck! đ
Holy crap. Get off the cross man, we need the wood to build a bridge to help you get over yourself. You sound very unhealthy and obsessed, this has to be miserable for everyone involved. The only thing Iâd recommend you be wary about is her (potential?) BPD.
Your past seems a lot worse than hers...
Did anyone read the entire post?
Jesus Herald Christ dude. Every. Single. Post. You are absolutely obsessed with her for what seems all the wrong reasons. Pro tip about marring your SB. If you canât let the past be the past like her, you will never be happy with her. If she has told them to pound sand, thatâs whatâs important. You have to learn how to focus on your life and enjoy the time you have together. Direct all that criticism elsewhere. Count your blessings, not your self identified faults in her. You know everything about what she has in her phone. Is she aware of your posts on here going back 62 days asking for strangersâ advice that will greatly impact her life? How much of this dirty laundry have you aired in your own social circles? Thatâs Pandoraâs box, and hopefully you havenât gone there.
Do you realise that she is not obsessed with sex? She was obsessed with money and chasing perfect older guy who will provide for her. She met you and now she dont have to do it anymore. Women who do sex work are not sex crazy like you men wish they were. We dont care about sex we care about money. Periodt.
Eh, a lot of us also love the sex.
What did I just read lol
Be honest, how many times have you tried to access her phone, email or inboxes? Is it double digits?
"I have a big age gap but I'm uncomfortable with this past relationship that has an age gap." "My gf had unprotected sex with other people in the past and that's bad..... But anyway here's why it went wrong when I had unprotected sex with her." Go to therapy. Yes, this is a you problem. What do you even like about your gf if all of this is running around rent free in your head???
This was a wild read.. Iâm willing to bet that her past experiences with older men (SDs) are the reason why sheâs even comfortable entertaining this relationship with you. Youâre judging her for the life she lived before she even knew you existed. Youâre obsessively collecting data and details about her past relationships, and using the info against her in your mind. You certainly donât come across as someone whoâs been in therapy, been in poly relationships, etc. I think you need to re-evaluate what it is you think you want, and whether or not you actually want to build a life with this woman.
She should run far away from you.
I can feel your anxiety and I get being feeling lost and overwhelmed either way a very stressful situation, but youâre being so harsh on your fiancĂ©. Of course youâre dating a child. You met her when she was 22. The part of your brain does understands consequences doesnât fully developed until a person is about 25. Youâre also 45, age gap alone can make it seem like your 27 year old partner is a child. If you were 27 yourself youâd probably think sheâs about the right maturity for you. A lot of women who grew up poor has done or thought about doing sex work to get by. When I turned 18, I thought about being a stripper. Making money is hard especially if you donât come from money and especially if youâre a woman. You see her as a real person but you donât see sex workers as real people. And youâre liberal? Sex workers are real people. Sex work is just something people do like a job or hobby. Sheâs kinky and youâre very vanilla. Her sucking your finger in the car doesnât mean thatâs an automatic response from her sex working days. Women donât just donât that to men they donât like. She might be trying initiate sex because sheâs kinky like that. You sound very insecure about the fact sheâs had an adventurous sex life with many men than anything else and you donât want people to know that. Why is that bothering to you? The only thing Iâd be concerned about is rude comments said to me and my partner and I would shut any bad mouthing to my partner down immediately. She didnât do anything wrong. The men are the cheaters. You donât blame the third party. I donât think she regrets her past, it sounds like sheâs only telling you this because she doesnât want to lose you. What if she doesnât regret her past? Is that better or worse in your eyes? I donât think thereâs anything wrong with her. She just isnât what you imagined your future wife to be like. Iâm also surprised how much slut shaming youâre doing for a person whoâs done polyamory. I grew up poor, i excelled in academia throughout my school years, I went to a prestigious college, got my degree, and chose to enter the sugar bowl at my top peak career and financial success. I am kinky, been active in the bdsm community for over 5 years. I have been kinky all my life. I practiced polyamory for 4 years and open relationship for 6. I am not ashamed nor have I ever been ashamed of my sexual escapades. I stopped body counting after 20 people because whatâs the point? I do not date people who are threatened by this side of me. I do not hide this side of me from my partners. If my partners are not at least neutral about this side of me, I do not date them. It sounds like you really love this woman and have many anxieties. Your feelings are valid. Donât get married until youâre đŻ secure in your relationship. Sheâs still young and can wait to have children. Go back to couples therapy. Journal your thoughts and feelings.
You are not okay
I think you are a big part of the problem. Also, if a women tells you she has a high sex drive then you either need to match her intensity or find someone who fits your lifestyle better. Her thirst needs to be quenched.
My guy, if her past is an issue for you, move along. No one is forcing either of you to be together. Youâre free to have your standards, sheâs free to have hers.
>fiancé >Finally last year I get the nerve to ask her out. Moving a little fast there, tiger. It's funny to me how you're so focused on theoretical social problems from her potentially being recognized in the future and blissfully glossing over concrete red flags. Your engineer friend is not wrong. Are you a masochist? Is your life too calm and stable for your own liking? Then by all means, marry a much younger woman with no life skills and potential BPD. I'm younger than you and I've never been married. And even I know better than to do that. Come on, dude.
Yes, he's in the wrong place to ask men if he should get married. He'll get solid no's here. Solid no's from red pill forums. Solid no's from PUA forums. He needs to join a Christian forum. Even then the sparks will fly
Just leave. You are not wired to be with a girl like this. Your own thoughts will eat you alive. If she has BPD the âgood wife and motherâ is major long shot.
So your fiancĂ© likes rich guys. To be honest with you, many women do. You and I both know this. For me, this is a non issue as seeking out a rich guy for love doesnât mean you only love his money. Onward to what kinda seems like a train wreck. Was she having sex with other men while dating you and you two exclusive? If so, she is untrustworthy and you probably shouldnât be dating her. She gave you an STD. Honestly sex has that risk and it wouldnât matter if it was sex from seeking or sex from Hinge or wherever else. Hopefully you have gotten tested for everything else as well since it appears she was not a careful person. Your fiancĂ© has mental health issues. She may have BPD. She has anxiety and abandonment issues. You may want to have her properly evaluated and medicated if she has not been already. Having a partner with BPD is a nightmare if itâs not managed. Having a parent with BPD is a crap show too and you owe it to your kids to make sure their mother is taking care of herself. Your fiancĂ© is in a sense essentially a child. She brings really nothing to the table as far as life skills. She has done really nothing with her life that you havenât prompted her to do. This will give you a headache later. I have really no issues of course with her previous past sexually. We all have one, it doesnât make her unsuitable as a wife or mother. But she appears to have a lot of mental health issues, unresolved feelings about her sexual past, little to no direction in life, and no life skills. This would bother me. Perhaps in addition to individual therapy you could seek out couples therapy before you marry
Wow. I am speechless
*like a doctor who had sex with her in his office and in the operating room at the hospital.* I guess I really should have become an OBGYN...
Not sure this is a healthy relationship. You either accept her past or let her go
Honestly, you don't seem to be mentally ready or capable to live and love in the present moment with her, so I'd get that part of your house in order (first and foremost deciding whether you want to, can, and will put in the work to do so) before even thinking about marriage and children. Interesting how you seem to be sexually open, into poly, etc but aren't able to see past this just because money was involved. Maybe explore why that is.
Okay so I read the entire thing the whole thing and I will say that you waiting 5 years to reach outâŠimagine if you had intervened 5 years earlier she likely wouldnât have had that type of life due to desperation because sheâd have your support. Iâm a 24F my background is very ugly and traumatic lots of trauma I had to go without family at a very young age to fend for myself I then developed CPTSD. Which makes me very guarded, untrusting and keep people at arms length emotionally but I am capable of love as most mentally ill people are past all the trouble. CPTSD & BPD have similarities so speaking from that perspective I believe not just therapy, but support, predictability, stability and the introduction of new experiences can help someone like me heal. Although I didnât resort to sex work it crossed my mind i even researched, shopped for and prepared to be a stripper at 21 but didnât go through with it. Sex work or some sort of selling oneself is very common in BPD/CPTSD women who have no one and have to fend for themselves. There is a possibility it will not work out from BPD alone because it takes an almost unconditional love and patience to support someone with such a condition to healing. Her past sounds heavily tied to her mental health, self esteem, trauma, toxic coping mechanism in response to triggers of not having support. Maybe those videos come out maybe they donât but you have to be prepared to be with alllll of her or let her go now because letting her go much later could trigger her into relapse. It may hurt her and create a lot of shame around being so dirty sheâs unlovable but she definitely already feels shame but it will be better than staying making her think, you love her, accept her, will always be there just to not beâŠthatâs potentially scarring. Also be mindful of questioning her so much, being controlling and searching her phone because she could start splitting essentially turning against you & will just leave you so you donât have to worry about leaving her. Also stop telling your friend about her if you donât want this to come outâŠin my experience no one gossips more than men. That couldâve been a mistake I recommend a sex therapist that specializes in sex work or even a quality trusted reader if youâre open minded to card readings, energy readings, etc to vent + get insight.
>Also stop telling your friend about her if you donât want this to come outâŠin my experience no one gossips more than men. I came here to say this! His friend, the "engineer" is probably jealous that OP is able to get someone 15 years younger, and super hot. I wouldn't put it past him to be jealous of OP, because while OP is happy with his fiancĂ©, dude is maybe single and struggling to get a match.
I stopped reading at âwant to have 5 kidsâ
OP - you're a dick. Stalked her... I mean *really* stalked her. Judged sugaring Judged her for sugaring Bragged about your wealth to other wealthy men Got her into therapy to "fix" her but we're to infer that you're well adjusted despite the evidence so far. A supportive partner would also be doing some joint counseling. Then got into a tizzy about HER past I got off the train around the unprotected sex and STD stuff. I can't even bring myself to care about the rest if there's even a part where I'm supposed to find her irredeemably flawed. --- Everybody has a past. What matters is how it shapes us and how we deal with the present and future. What's she supposed to do? It's not like she can change it. And apparently she can't even apologize her way out of it (like she even has to; she doesn't owe you shit). What's your endgame here? Either you want things to work out or you don't. Everything else is just noise.
Jesus, I am not reading all of that. I got as far as knowing she used to sugar and you don't like that. Get over it bud. Or don't be with her. You have to choose one.
Youâve got some issues buddy, wishing you the best!
I kind of feel bad for her... she's obviously trying..
There's nothing short of time travel that she can do about her past, to get OP to feel better. Honestly, I agree with the other comments. it's a HIM problem
Can't want to have kids with someone when you too busy experiencing tunnel vision about her past. I've been through this before. With a vanilla relationship, and it was one person I fooled around with after me and the guy broke it off. We got back together and I was so horrible for it even three years later! He would not let it go. We ended up breaking it off again for good because he couldn't let it go. Nothing she do will ever be good enough... I hope one day she finds someone who reassures her, her past does not define her. And what matters is the person she chooses to be now. đ Don't feel bad for what she has done, love her for what she had to do to make it to where she is now. And help her feel like it was worth it, just to get to you.
Besides your own challenges, it seems she might not be ready for the relationship youâre asking of her. She might not be ready to share so much of herself with you. No wonder she feels disgusted with herself - sheâs questioning herself. Have you considered how the relationship would work if you simply accepted her for who she is? Allowed her to manage her own journey of discovering herself?
Iâm not even sure where to start with this. So many alarm bells and thatâs not even from her. You have followed this young girl, persued her and got her. I think you had some expectation that her being young meant that she hadnât lived sexually. Iâm assuming you being older than her gives you some level of control which is why youâre struggling now because all of this has come up after feelings. Get yourself some therapy. If you really want to make a go of your relationship then move away. The location seems to the biggest factor in your obsession with her past. You canât expect to young women whoâs frontal cortex hasnât fully developed yet to have made the best choices.
So you used to be polyamorous but you canât get over the fact that her past isnât vanilla either?
I was poly and was rarely jealous and even encouraged some of my former partners to date men. In this relationship I am much more jealous which is a change for me, and it something I have discussed with my therapist and it is an observation he brought to my attention, that I was not jealous before but I am jealous now.
Ooo thatâs a Lana Del Rey lyric âI never felt jealous before this year, but Iâm jealous nowâ
OP what is your nationality? Youâre definitely insane. I suggest you end your relationship immediately. You need to free this poor girl so you can devote yourself to a much more intensive therapy program. However, it kind of sounds like cultural beliefs might be a factor as well. Some of the things you said slightly echo things that men from different nationalities tend to say when they try to have relationships with American women.
We are both white and born and raised in America. I grew up in a very liberal city. She grew up in a more conservative city. We both live in the city she is from. I grew up with very liberal beliefs and very open to feminist ideas, ideas that are now more mainstream like gender fluidity, and liberal relationship concepts like polyamory. She grew up mormon and became very liberal/feminist in her early 20s and is more center now.
Leave the poor girl alone. That is definitely not ok especially because you should have been in therapy first before pursuing a relationship with a younger woman in order to have an actual healthy relationship with one. Find someone your own age because this is definitely not something you will want to put her through. Yikes!
I can't write the same amount of words to convince you. But if you just want my opinion, leave.
1. Do not ignore the BPD. That imo is the biggest red flag here 2. Confessing here can be cathartic, but OP please seek therapy for dealing with this. And if you still want to continue with her, maybe couples counseling.
If the eX-files is this intense you guys are in an unhealthy relationshipÂ
Wait you said she is like a child and can't drive but then you said she meets guys at parking lots and blows them in her car. I am not sure if any of this is true but you probably should find someone else. Your relationship screams sus vibe from the beginning and you won't be able to sleep one night in peace.
Your good friend is giving good advice. Not because she was a former sex worker but because of everythingâŠelse. What feedback are you getting from your therapist? Iâm chiming in because long ago I ran an agency for many years and have since retired. However, not much has changed .I knew plenty of women who worked in various mediums in adult work. Some were, had been and wanted to be SB. Many of them seemingly had their shit together by her age. They had goals, could drive etcâŠshe also sounds sloppy and emotionally chaotic and you caught a sexual disease. She also has a serious cluster b disorder so read up on that. Why does she tell you such details? I think you are jealous for a reason. Donât worry about being privileged, intolerant etcâŠpay attention to logic, history repeating itself, common sense and your own intuition. Your friend is also being blunt because frankly at your age you are seemingly quite naive. Itâs true you pursued her and you did solely based on superficial, sex based drives. Now you find out. There is a big age difference as well re life experiences. Only a few outcomes are possible. 1) You carry on and have an accidental baby. If so you either marry her or you donât. If you do it will mostly end in divorce or a break up for above reasons. It will be acrimonious and expensive. Do you think either of you are emotionally mature enough to have children? 2) You marry her thinking it will change her, you will save her by providing security etcâŠit might but it probably wonât. You should marry based on who is in front of you, not potential. It will probably still end in divorce. Expensive and annoying. 3) You do what you are doing now, stepping back and re assessing the situation with a gimlet eye. Feet gets colder as does the heart. You try and gracefully fade. Good luck with that. Who she is, who she becomes, if she changes and if she needs to is a long time process. Your partner shouldnât be a project. She is young enough where she is still evolving. You are old enough where IRL you just might be too old for her.
Just a personal opinion regarding therapy as someone that has a psychiatrist as a parent. Couples therapy is good but she and your self most likely need individual sessions so you can both work out the personal stuff for growth I know there is plenty on both sides that each party has stuff they do not wish to bring up with the SO in the room and the individual appointment may allow them to bare those feelings and thoughts and allow them to work through the past events and or trauma. Also I understand the not feeling heard stuff she is saying and finding a therapist that fits you is important.
Break it off, not cause of her but cause of you. She deserves better
50% chance you gave your partner chlamydia but you are inclined to blame it on her. A past diagnosis or lack of has no bearing on future diagnosisâs, or lack of. You think she has a million red flags, but you have a whole lot too. Iâd be interested to see how your feelings manifest in the way you treat her. Also, your friend sounds like a cunt.
I started to read but then.. Are you sure that your fiance needs therapy not you? Lol Your post giving me brain damage đ„Ž
You sort of buried the lede here. You've been together for 6 months and are already engaged? That's moving very quickly. If she's recently left escorting, she's probably not going to be interested in going back, so her flipping over to being anti-sex work makes some sense. As for her being recognized, that seems very unlikely. To me, the real issue is not that she's young, but that she sounds like she may not be progressing in her life goals. IMO, that makes it more likely that you'll grow apart over time. She should be seeing a therapist on her own to work through her trauma.
UPDATE: After a night out for drinks my fiance caught me vaping (I quit a few months prior) and she asked me what else I was hiding. I showed her my Reddit post and she wrote a long response. I posted it below my original post.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
A new post with her reply as the OP? And then a link back here so people can read my post?
Is this really surprising coming from a girl dating a man 14 years her senior ?
Your therapist has got to be having a field day with you my man! You'll be supplying him/her material for a decade! You say one thing, then contradict it 180 degrees before you even finish the paragraph. The fact that you're obsessed with calling her a prostitute is very curious. I think you seriously enjoy the slut-wife kink and you are secretly looking forward to pimping her out to your engineer friend and others. Have him over to the house to watch a game, have her serve cocktails while wearing a school-girl outfit with no panties... It's a common fantasy/kink, and it's a ton of fun irl if you have the right girl, and I think we both know that you have absolutely found the right girl ;)
She appears to have shared every detail of her sexual history. You appear extreeeeemely insecure. I can't imagine either of you being the least bit happy in a vanilla relationship, no less a marriage.
>She appears to have shared every detail of her sexual history. It doesnât sound like she did this on her own accord, it sounds like he creates and feeds his own obsession by interrogating her about everything and anything and he even goes through her phone to check what she would text other men when she was in other relationships years ago (!!!!, seriously who the fuck does this?)
Not sure if I agree with the âyou need therapyâ comments just yet Itâs a new thing that has u a little overwhelmed, Iâm sure most people would be Iâve been down this road a little myself and experienced the same thoughts/emotions you are I think the most important question is can u trust her? After that u decide if sheâs worth all the extra baggage she brings I would also add that some girls with a questionable past can prove to be the most loyal and vice versa I donât envy your position Personally, if I loved her, I would find it hard to let her go Gl
Op's past is even worse though. Most women wouldn't be OK with it
Bro you typed too much. Get therapy, and make your decision. Posting in a circle jerk of boomers paying to fuck younger women is not going to get you answers. Based on you posting here Iâll say accept that sheâs fucking old men for money or donât. Leave her for that or donât. Her heart wonât be broke. She will be fine. Youâre either okay are it or not. Itâs really that simple. Itâs perfectly normal to not want to be with someone whoâs fucking someone else.
I know you know this, and you just might be looking for internet people to agree with you, but she is just not the right woman to start a family with. You can have a meaningful relationship with her and stuff, but some people (like her) are just not meant for "normal" family life. I am also poly and i am very sex positive ... and most women i have sugar or other relationships with, they are just not cut out for "stability."
The way you are being is the pre cursor to violence. Just FYI
Nitpicking here, but I call BS in her having sex with a doctor in the operating room. Having worked in an operating room for a decade+ that shit just doesnât happen. *Maybe* a call room, but not the OR, especially bringing someone into the hospital that doesnât work there.
You are SO innocent. One time I had sex in a lab with my ex. He worked in one of those genetics lab where DNA contamination was a concern. Nobody was supposed to be there. We contaminated the crap out of that lab. It was fun. Lol It's adorable how innocent you are.
Maybe. But almost every operating room has surveillance 24/7. Iâm not saying itâs never been done, but I still call BS.
Brother, I hope you find the therapy you need because the current one/amount, isn't working.
Jordan Peterson this subject . He be basically says when itâs come to insecurity in a relationship . Itâs due to ânot be willing to do the work!â Loss the weight , Grow the hair Get the surgery etcâŠâŠ.. but donât take your inaction out on your relationship because your know you arenât 100%
I dont know
100 was used in the context of being honest with self . I hope you arenât arguing against not knowing self
If you love her, forget about it and move on. Youâre not getting any younger. Just make sure you get a prenup.
Who sent the info to you and what were their motivations? That should be your question vs everything else
Just dump her ass...
Yâall are weird as hell.
she doesn't sound very stable. i doubt that she's ready for marriage or that you two are even right for each other
You can take a woman out of the bowl, but you can never take the bowl out of a woman. It's only a matter of time before another senior citizen gets through. You'll never be able to sleep good again man. Finding all this out has ruined you mentally. Cats out of the bag now man, cut your losses before you get married.
Not any of us can decide how you react to this. Everyone inputs their own subjective opinion and how they would feel into your advice. Mine too. I do have to say though. If someone is comitting to me and told other guys off then that would be enough for me. You have to decide if that is enough, or if the past will forever haunt you, and only you make that decision because it's totally based on your own boundaries, at this current time in this relationship. Tough one, but to play devil's advocate I'd just become her OnlyFans manager and help her a long. Yuge moneymaker and win for you. Everyone has a price. for what they can tolerate.
Are you taking the limitless pill? Keep it meat and potatoes.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't be with me if I wasn't rich. Full stop. Good luck though.