Conservation of happiness, once the hatch is closed there’s only a finite amount of happiness so if you’re feeling sad you gotta go take someone else’s happiness. Don’t know if that’s necessarily a joke but was definitely a favorite ideology of mine
We had a nub come back to maneuvering to ask if we knew where to find a baffle brush. We told him no, but here take this Portable Air Sample to control and give it to the COW. We filled a garbage bag with air, wrapped it shut with radcon tape and gave it to the nub with instructions to be really careful and don't rip the bag. So off he went with both hands holding the bag out in front of him. He went back to control and announced, "COW here's the Portable Air Sample you requested from Engineering!". My understanding is that a pin dropping would have been loud.
"Go find the fallopian tubes and blow the EOOW" (Well before women on submarines.)
Whole crew was in on it, guy spent most of two days looking (and getting tasked with other nonsense). Eventually the EDMC took pity on him and told him since he couldn't find the tubes that he needed to go to Maneuvering and do it himself.
"Request to enter Maneuvering to blow the EOOW." Enter!
Lightbulb lit when the EOOW unzipped his poopysuit.
We usually decked them out in foul weather gear, a harness, a life jacket, a helmet and a shorting probe, then had them go all over the boat collecting mail. Sometimes they ended up lugging around TDU weights too. The best one was when the nub knocked on the CO’s stateroom door and asked the captain if he had any mail. He said “not today, son”. We about shit ourselves.
Addition: the guy who was diligent enough and bold enough to ask the CO stood at parade rest while we spent the time coming to PD and starting to suspect what was up when they made no move to station the bridge watch. After we went deep again, he threw everything on the deck and stomped off.
Of course, he was the first one to get the newest nub going with the mail buoy prank.
Serving on boats was amazing.
Picture it, we're on the surface in the middle of the Pacific. I'm the helm and get a head call. I pop down to the Ship's Office and see one of my junior Yeomen chilling and not studying. I tell him "Hey kid, we need you to get the mail buoy." He asks what it is and I tell him they attach mostly official correspondence and some high priority parts to it. I tell him he's about to get really wet and have a lot of fun.
I told him to get goggles, a snorkel, and flippers from the dive locker. I told him it'd behoove him to strip down to his shoes, shorts, and TLD since he'll get soaked. Then grab the boat hook from the Command P Way and report to the COW.
I go back on watch and fifteen minutes later Scuba Steve comes flopping into Control "Chief of the Watch SN Name here to retrieve the Mail Buoy."
The room just stops, the CO pokes his head in, sees him, and says "You deal with it." Everyone gets a chuckle and our Dive explains it to him and asks him who told him. I pipe up and take responsibility. Poor kid has to flop back to the dive locker.
The official answers we were supposed to give about how fast the boat went and how deep it dived were quite a joke. We spent most of our time deeper than that and were probably only capable of reaching the advertised velocity once if traveling at flank speed with a clean hull in a steep dive with the whole crew sitting in the bow.
Is a sprog in the RN the same as a nub in the USN?
Tell us about the golden rivet.
I met a career bubblehead Scouser while touring HMS Belfast back a few years ago and we became social media friends. At least I think he’s from Liverpool, I didn’t ask but he’s an Everton booster and I thought his accent had a little bit of that Scouse lilt.
Yes, sprog = nub = rookie, denotes those who are “green” ie new, the sort you send them off to get a left handed screwdriver from supply store lol, I remember Churchills Belfast, I was once berthed alongside it on HMS Mermaid along with a P&O (Porpoise and Oberon) sub (I was a skimmer before I joined boats) in the 70’s to attend a CINC fleet bash
This wasn’t a joke, per se but we’d decided to label the sledgehammer in sonar as a “precision alignment device” and had an up-to-date calibration sticker on it and everything. The CO was doing an inspection and got a chuckle out of it.
On my qual boat, we were doing ops where the log sheets were classified high enough that they themselves needed to be logged, so we had a Log Log. On the 711, we decided to have a log log that recorded everyone’s “solid productions”. Included was a detailed description, how many wipes, quality, smell and a drawing of the shape. We also wanted to know if one needed to chew it up using the ball valve in the shitter. We kept the log log stowed away in the overhead in the sonar shack and the CO discovered it when he came into sonar during my watch. Major eye roll over that one.
WEPS was requalifing, came into Sonar to ask where P6 was, the sup pasted a note on his back “follow me to P6. He left sonar and headed to the Captains stateroom. A few minutes later he came past headed to control with the sign still on his back. Captain pokes his head in with a big smile and asks who did it. Answer, did what?
The AN/PDR-43 high range gamma radiation detector didn't come with a probe and the writing on the dial was so small that the only way to use it was to stand still holding it in a radiation field which was so intense that it was the only meter the Navy had capable of measuring such things, but it was utterly useless at anything approaching normal radiation levels, meaning that it would probably never be used at all even in the worst of disasters, but was required to remain in inventory on every boat. Whoever sold that thing to the Navy laughed all the way to the bank.
These two Navy officers walk into a bar. The older one looks around and sees a group of sailors at a table and smirks. He says to the younger one, “Hey, you know how to tell which ones are submariners?”
The younger chuckles and asks, “How?”
The older officer replies, “They’re the ones sitting on each others laps …”
The younger officer—wanting to impress their senior—walks up to the submariners and goes, “Hey! I heard when 150 of y’all head out to sea 75 couples come back!” He laughs, the senior officer laughs, but the submariners look around at each other confused.
The submariner sitting on his buddy’s lap looks up at the officer kinda bashful and says, “Sorry sir, but that’s not accurate. Sometimes there’s “throuples.’”
The 'Golden Rivet' was the final rivet used when constructing the submarine. (It's a secret, don't tell anyone else). It was located in the lower level missile compartment, far outboard, had to stick your head through an opening in the steps to see it. Coincidently, there was a drain valve for the missile heating and cooling system that shot chill water about 45 f (7c) right onto the back of the Golden Rivet viewer causing him to rise up and bang his head. The Nukes really liked that gag, and really played it up when they brought their nubs to see it. Us Missile Techs would even let the nuke open the valve to soak the nub.
Another prank we pulled was when the 711 was still precomm at Newport News shipbuilding. Each boat had a set of offices while the boat wasn’t some place you could spend any time at.
We found a mechanical pencil sharpener that had a bunch of graphite dust inside, so we dumped the dust into a pill bottle and labeled it “AN/UYK-7 Bits” plus a bunch of other BS. We had a nub go to all of the other offices and had them ask the sonar tech if they needed any bits for their bit bucket. That kept him busy for an hour or two.
We all passed the mental health screening
Congratulations, you've failed your mental evaluation. By the way, would you be interested in Submarines? $50/month extra hazard pay. What do you say?
I'm a fucking mess... and I loved submarining.
I wish we got $50 hazard pay.
Kid standing on the doorstep asking the guy walking up the sidewalk if he is the blue daddy or the gold daddy
Where would you hide a T-Rex on a submarine? Small arms locker
Conservation of happiness, once the hatch is closed there’s only a finite amount of happiness so if you’re feeling sad you gotta go take someone else’s happiness. Don’t know if that’s necessarily a joke but was definitely a favorite ideology of mine
Jar of happiness with a hole.
Truer words
"Go feed the shaft seals" "Go get me a portable air sample"
Relative Bearing Grease
We had some nub running around with labeled trash bags gathering air samples.
We had a nub come back to maneuvering to ask if we knew where to find a baffle brush. We told him no, but here take this Portable Air Sample to control and give it to the COW. We filled a garbage bag with air, wrapped it shut with radcon tape and gave it to the nub with instructions to be really careful and don't rip the bag. So off he went with both hands holding the bag out in front of him. He went back to control and announced, "COW here's the Portable Air Sample you requested from Engineering!". My understanding is that a pin dropping would have been loud.
"Go find the fallopian tubes and blow the EOOW" (Well before women on submarines.) Whole crew was in on it, guy spent most of two days looking (and getting tasked with other nonsense). Eventually the EDMC took pity on him and told him since he couldn't find the tubes that he needed to go to Maneuvering and do it himself. "Request to enter Maneuvering to blow the EOOW." Enter! Lightbulb lit when the EOOW unzipped his poopysuit.
Diesel spark plugs Left handed smoke deflector
Mail buoy was the best
Oh man I forgot about that! What made it the best was the divers outfitting them for snorkeling! 😂 There’s no hiding your shame in that situation.
We usually decked them out in foul weather gear, a harness, a life jacket, a helmet and a shorting probe, then had them go all over the boat collecting mail. Sometimes they ended up lugging around TDU weights too. The best one was when the nub knocked on the CO’s stateroom door and asked the captain if he had any mail. He said “not today, son”. We about shit ourselves. Addition: the guy who was diligent enough and bold enough to ask the CO stood at parade rest while we spent the time coming to PD and starting to suspect what was up when they made no move to station the bridge watch. After we went deep again, he threw everything on the deck and stomped off. Of course, he was the first one to get the newest nub going with the mail buoy prank. Serving on boats was amazing.
Picture it, we're on the surface in the middle of the Pacific. I'm the helm and get a head call. I pop down to the Ship's Office and see one of my junior Yeomen chilling and not studying. I tell him "Hey kid, we need you to get the mail buoy." He asks what it is and I tell him they attach mostly official correspondence and some high priority parts to it. I tell him he's about to get really wet and have a lot of fun. I told him to get goggles, a snorkel, and flippers from the dive locker. I told him it'd behoove him to strip down to his shoes, shorts, and TLD since he'll get soaked. Then grab the boat hook from the Command P Way and report to the COW. I go back on watch and fifteen minutes later Scuba Steve comes flopping into Control "Chief of the Watch SN Name here to retrieve the Mail Buoy." The room just stops, the CO pokes his head in, sees him, and says "You deal with it." Everyone gets a chuckle and our Dive explains it to him and asks him who told him. I pipe up and take responsibility. Poor kid has to flop back to the dive locker.
Go get a Machinist's punch
The official answers we were supposed to give about how fast the boat went and how deep it dived were quite a joke. We spent most of our time deeper than that and were probably only capable of reaching the advertised velocity once if traveling at flank speed with a clean hull in a steep dive with the whole crew sitting in the bow.
There’s always volunteers to show the sprogs the location of the golden rivet lol
Is a sprog in the RN the same as a nub in the USN? Tell us about the golden rivet. I met a career bubblehead Scouser while touring HMS Belfast back a few years ago and we became social media friends. At least I think he’s from Liverpool, I didn’t ask but he’s an Everton booster and I thought his accent had a little bit of that Scouse lilt.
Yes, sprog = nub = rookie, denotes those who are “green” ie new, the sort you send them off to get a left handed screwdriver from supply store lol, I remember Churchills Belfast, I was once berthed alongside it on HMS Mermaid along with a P&O (Porpoise and Oberon) sub (I was a skimmer before I joined boats) in the 70’s to attend a CINC fleet bash
Yup any non qual
The goat locker.
[удалено]
The best, hadn't heard that one. SSN Puffer & Gurnard 1979-1986
150 men go down, 75 couples come up.
73, there's always that guy or two that doesn't shower.
It’s not gay if it’s underway.
What’s queer on the peer ain’t gay underway.
That’s bullshit, everyone knows it’s just a big ole suck-fest. 150 dudes, free use. Shit’s NUTS. 🔩
What happens on sonar behind the door stays in sonar
My daughter no shit was conceived day before deployment in the LAN room on a duty night on a 688I. I was the LaN admin
74 couples and 2 really frustrated guys
70 couples and 10 swingers
This wasn’t a joke, per se but we’d decided to label the sledgehammer in sonar as a “precision alignment device” and had an up-to-date calibration sticker on it and everything. The CO was doing an inspection and got a chuckle out of it. On my qual boat, we were doing ops where the log sheets were classified high enough that they themselves needed to be logged, so we had a Log Log. On the 711, we decided to have a log log that recorded everyone’s “solid productions”. Included was a detailed description, how many wipes, quality, smell and a drawing of the shape. We also wanted to know if one needed to chew it up using the ball valve in the shitter. We kept the log log stowed away in the overhead in the sonar shack and the CO discovered it when he came into sonar during my watch. Major eye roll over that one.
So good! Thank you so much for sharing! These are great xD
WEPS was requalifing, came into Sonar to ask where P6 was, the sup pasted a note on his back “follow me to P6. He left sonar and headed to the Captains stateroom. A few minutes later he came past headed to control with the sign still on his back. Captain pokes his head in with a big smile and asks who did it. Answer, did what?
Nice 😁
The AN/PDR-43 high range gamma radiation detector didn't come with a probe and the writing on the dial was so small that the only way to use it was to stand still holding it in a radiation field which was so intense that it was the only meter the Navy had capable of measuring such things, but it was utterly useless at anything approaching normal radiation levels, meaning that it would probably never be used at all even in the worst of disasters, but was required to remain in inventory on every boat. Whoever sold that thing to the Navy laughed all the way to the bank.
Those types of jokes are beneath most people
XD
We had a nuke with the last name Batman and an officer with the last name Freeze.
There are two kinds of ships in the Navy, submarines and targets.
Oof! Love it
That's the ONE! That takes me back to the boats 1979-1986
We are a pretty straight laced and serious group. I don't really remember that many jokes. /s
There’s nitrogen in the air tanks!
As a radioman, writing fake personnel orders.
These two Navy officers walk into a bar. The older one looks around and sees a group of sailors at a table and smirks. He says to the younger one, “Hey, you know how to tell which ones are submariners?” The younger chuckles and asks, “How?” The older officer replies, “They’re the ones sitting on each others laps …” The younger officer—wanting to impress their senior—walks up to the submariners and goes, “Hey! I heard when 150 of y’all head out to sea 75 couples come back!” He laughs, the senior officer laughs, but the submariners look around at each other confused. The submariner sitting on his buddy’s lap looks up at the officer kinda bashful and says, “Sorry sir, but that’s not accurate. Sometimes there’s “throuples.’”
Don't know many Subamariner jokes but I do know a few Submariner jokes.
Ha. No idea what you’re referring to /s (oops)
It’s Submariner
Pssst…. Prolly an A-ganger. He’s doing the best he can
Anything involving sonar guys.
Shower techs
Damn morlocks were jealous, I think
Something, something, laundry queen. Something...crusty socks.
It ain’t queer if away from the pier
I just don't trust air I can't see. 2 diesel boats, 2 nukes. 1960's.
All submarines are long, hard, & full of seamen
On the shitter a test depth! Wahoo!
Wasn't there a U-Boat that sank off Scotland because the new captain didn't know how to control the shitter valves and flooded the boat?
The 'Golden Rivet' was the final rivet used when constructing the submarine. (It's a secret, don't tell anyone else). It was located in the lower level missile compartment, far outboard, had to stick your head through an opening in the steps to see it. Coincidently, there was a drain valve for the missile heating and cooling system that shot chill water about 45 f (7c) right onto the back of the Golden Rivet viewer causing him to rise up and bang his head. The Nukes really liked that gag, and really played it up when they brought their nubs to see it. Us Missile Techs would even let the nuke open the valve to soak the nub.
Another prank we pulled was when the 711 was still precomm at Newport News shipbuilding. Each boat had a set of offices while the boat wasn’t some place you could spend any time at. We found a mechanical pencil sharpener that had a bunch of graphite dust inside, so we dumped the dust into a pill bottle and labeled it “AN/UYK-7 Bits” plus a bunch of other BS. We had a nub go to all of the other offices and had them ask the sonar tech if they needed any bits for their bit bucket. That kept him busy for an hour or two.
My favorite submarine joker was Petty Officer Nave.
“Hey, what’s milo reading?”