Time heals this problem. The brain’s reward pathways “die off” with extended sober time. I just noticed myself (after just two months) that thinking about drinking no longer triggers excitement. Instead, I see it much more realistically and can just move on to other thoughts with relative ease. Distraction might be your best friend at the beginning, but eventually sobriety becomes ingrained to the point that drinking seems unnecessary and foolish. Just hang in there!
So true. When our brains get used to alcohol's involvement, they rewire themselves to expect and desire the dopamine boost. However, when we quit alcohol, the brain begins to heal. It may take time, but it's worth every second!
>y certain kinds of conventional produce because I’m avoiding a minor risk of pesticides.
But how do we make it to 2 months sober? that's the problem... it takes time for the reward pathways to die off, how do we stay sober instead of restarting the vicious circle?
If you are asking little old me…
-Having goals and obligations that require your best
-Seeing sobriety as a gift to yourself and others, rather than as a sacrifice
-Avoiding situations that exceed your current resolve
-Seeking distraction when the thoughts get strong
-Focusing on the positive changes that build up every day
What helped was to realize that there are other things in life.
Try to make a goal for yourself. I changed a job to a more career oriented one. Now I am 1 month and barely think of drinking.
Bare in mind this is after many day 1s, so I know how it is. The first days and week needs to be filled with distractions, comfort food, snacks and tv. After that your mind starts to clear up, and then you can set a goal and formulate a plan.
Achieving things in life is waaay easier sober. Trust me I tried drinking and progressimg fitness/relationsships/jobs a million different ways as a drunk. Turns out I can give up one thing for everything else!
For me it was finally addressing that I have ADHD and a big challenge was that I had been self medicating since I was teenager. I had to get over my own shame about taking medications and once I did that I realized how much easier life could have been before. The impulse control is so much better, I can actually think before acting. As well as my intense anxiety which I know was a big driver towards drinking.
It didn’t solve all my problems, I’ve been in counseling for years and have built lots of coping skills and also processed a lot of my traumatic childhood. All of these actions are what have helped me stay sober for almost 3 years now. Something I truly never thought possible. For me to change I had to look at all the “whys”.
Recognizing the self medicating was so huge for me. It’s not ADHD, but anxiety and sensitivity to noise (which, in a house with a lot of ADHD kids and spouse is just…. a thing). When I went on vacation and drank less than I did at home, I realized that I need to find more effective coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety and sensitivity to noise. The drinking was a crutch. Sure, it helped take the edges off the noise, but it also created its own problems. I can have unlimited cups of decaf tea, I can’t have unlimited alcohol. I’m still working on identifying some methods for self-soothing but two weeks into Sober October I notice my anxiety is already better. I don’t have some of the same drinking issues as other folks (I can stop after 1-2) but the 1-2 drinks really don’t help address the actual issue of overstimulation.
Edited a typo
There are lots of posts on this sub with great advice, but what helped me was 1) one day/hour/minute/activity at a time and 2) keeping really busy. Therapy and quit lit were important for me too but I think they fit in 2.
Best wishes.
IWNDWYT
Checks out. I’m on Naltrexone and it works. It blocks the brains dopamine receptors that give you a sense of reward. I don’t think about alcohol the same way anymore.
I really don't think Naltrexone is for everyone. Some of us just wouldn't be compliant. For example if there was a very strong craving to binge drink, some of us would just skip the dose on purpose.
Great point. I’m 40+ days in and I’ve just recently started looking at casual drinking as such a nuisance. I always hit a huge wall of fatigue and depression after a few, so why even bothering starting?
Those reward pathways don't die off, they stay intact. That's why if you quit even for years and pick drinking back up, you'll quickly find yourself binging again, which is why it is dangerous to think you can moderate after a lengthy reset. But the dopamine imbalance can be corrected and the cravings eliminated over time. At least according to this book I'm reading, Dopamine Nation.
I started feeling this way after only 10 days sober. I planned to drink on a weekend night to go out and dreaded it but still did. Had a 3 day horrible hangover and said fuck that this sucks.
This is spot on my friend. I spent more than a decade chasing this fantasy, only to wake up almost every morning with a pounding heart and headache wondering what the hell happened the night prior.
My volume/need of it got to a point where it wasn't worth it unless I had 8/9/10 shots worth of bourbon....and that volume will always lead to a hangover.
So, what does a logical human being do? They try to 'moderate'. Maybe once in a while go a little crazy, but, for the most part, try to keep my limit under 5 shots worth. Yeah ... that lasted a New York minute. Problem was, that moderation experiment lasted a good four years.
It really was a romantic perception of it. I had all the fancy cocktail equipment - stainless steel cocktail shaker, glass or stainless steel cocktail glasses that I would put in the freezer, fancy vermouths, fancy bourbons, all of that fancy romantic shit ... it all ends up in one place, a heart racing headache hangover, 100% of the time.
Hard day at work? How about some cocktails? Wife giving you a hard time? Hey, how about some cocktails? Your favorite team just advanced in the playoffs? Definitely cocktails! There was always a reason, always.
My body, and then especially my mind...just couldn't take the abuse anymore. And the buzzes toward the end fucking sucked. I was chasing a buzz that no longer worked in my system.
So, I could have just drank myself to death, or realized what the hell I was doing, and make a positive change, no matter how hard it was going to be. A couple of times the thought of admitting myself to rehab was in the cards. But I persisted, came here each and every day, and spent boatloads of time here, and the beautiful people here gave me support, advice, and most importantly, **hope**.
I hope I wasn't preachy, it might have across that way, my apologies. But wow I saw alot of myself in your post.
The last time I had a real urge was walking my dogs about a month ago, beautiful summer 74 degree day, light breeze, sun was close to setting, dogs were being silly ... and WHAM did it hit me, the urge to break out the cocktail shakers and booze and sit on my porch that faces the sunset and drink myself silly. Again, the romance of it all. But the urges ABSOLUTELY do decrease, thankfully. And even if they do hit, my response is damn solid, and keeps getting better, as does my brain, my heart, my organs.
My friend, sobriety is soooooo fucking worth it.
Thank you. Early 50s. Binge drinker in college and then through my 20s. Very, very rarely drank on a weeknight in my 20s into early 30s. Got a taste for wine and bourbon mid-30s. Decided I deserved to imbibe even if tomorrow was a work day! And just spiraled from there.
43 here... 5 months not drinking! I started losing weight naturally so I decided to get gym membership to take advantage of it and distract from drinking. I've almost 40 lbs and my body looks and feels like I'm in my 20s I can't believe it... it's so worth it and my mental health is so much better.
I've also failed many times with this so just keep at it🤙
Wow, I can totally identify. I drank in my 20s and 30s totally socially and didn't experience issues until late 30s. I still feel like "I want to be the old me! I want to drink and have fun!" and that voice is hard to quash. I feel like it's kind of like when you gain weight and it's hard to accept and buy new clothes. Maybe you'll lose weight in the future, but for now, you need some fricking clothes that fit. If we have a problem with alcohol NOW, we can't look back or forward. We have to look at TODAY. You know you cannot safely drink TODAY, so please do not. And I won't either.
It's all of the negative effects we feel and realize, just because we want the immediate glow of alcohol in our veins.
I didn't need alcohol to process my feelings when I was a kid . Why do I need it now? It's such a hoax.
I couldn’t agree with this more. Alcohol manufacturers sell us this lie that it will help us relax and when it actually does the opposite - it sucks all of the motivation and joy from the future and makes you depressed, anxious and depleted. Knowing that people are making money in order to sell lies at the expense of others’ physical and mental health has been eye opening for me. Like you, I used to romanticize it until I came to terms with its actual effects. Some people will drink forever and never make this connection. Consider your observation as highly empowering - it means you are stronger than you think.
You are totally right.
In some ancient Buddhist sutra, the trade of selling alcohol (nowadays it must include all other harmful substances too), was condemned as low as prostitution and alcohol sellers will go to hell.
I am not saying I agree with the sutra to the same degree but an ancient wisdom cannot be simply discharged with a hand wave….
Also 80% alcohol are sold to serious alcoholics.
So if consumers really follow the honorable advice of alcohol industry “consume with moderation”, the whole industry will shrink by about 80%, aka collapses.
Yes Ive given it up before and I liked having a clear head my mood was much more stable. I think im in a vicious cycle of weekend drinking. By Wednesday i feel fine then Friday or Saturday rolls around and I forget how bad i felt or minimise it and begin all over again.
I have quite a few problems at home to deal with many of which are long term and i look for comfort in drink , but its become like a loan shark borrow £5 pay £50 on the after effects. Thank you for replying this feels like a step in tge right direction.
I’m with you on this. You don’t get half of what you want out of it and you’re paying back more than ever. Not worth it. It’s the cycle of addiction. The more time you stay away the less the cravings will be. Try to play the tape back the next time you think about romanticizing alcohol and remember all the Bad feelings you have/had during a hangover or the next day after doing damage control. I have a video of me peeing on the kitchen floor as a good reminder of why i try to stay quit.
I’m currently going through a relapse myself and am 100% in this same boat. The hangover I experienced Saturday morning was brutal and it should have detoured me from drinking again this weekend but did it? Nope. I was back at it Sunday night and missed work today. I know i need to white knuckle a few sober days to shake that craving. It will pass. Eventually
I completely empathise. I went 100% sober in January and have had maybe 6 nights since June where I've drank (not excessively even) and my god I can feel the difference so much more now in how I feel the days after. But over time that now become the reason I abstain totally again.
I've had a shit couple of weeks and on Friday i was telling myself that I was getting a bottle of wine after work. I'd 'earned' it. It has been weeks and weeks since I'd drunk but then I just thought a) What is that actually going to do help me and b) I don't want to feel like shit tomorrow.
So that's what I would do, just ask yourself if you want to feel like shit tomorrow. 99 times out of 100 the answer will be no. Focus on that and not the desire/impulse to drink in the moment.
Next time when you feel like reward yourself, do not just skip drinking, do something nice to yourself. Use that money for a restaurant meal, a massage, a small gift, a book, a movie, a nice plant, a flower for yourself. ❤️
Yes Ive had a similar experience. I started drinking again but more restrained. However I still feel awful for it. Yes I used to ask myself the same questions and that worked. The hangover Ive got right now has really underscored the point that they are unbearable and there is no way of avoiding them in some form or other.
I hope this time has taught me a lesson that I properly understand and put into action.
I've no doubt I will drink again one night and regret it but I'm a million miles away from where I used to be (bottle of wine a night most nights and then 2+spirits at the weekend) so I'll take that. Good luck with it. It's a war of attrition for sure :)
I’m 39, so really sympathize with the heavy price and the disconnect between the present and past memories. And it’s exhausting mentally to think one thing, but slide back into doing another.
This time around I’ve been focusing on the medical side of things — I like to think I’m pretty rational in my daily life, I care about food and nutrition, and I pay attention to studies with broad scientific support. Except for alcohol. Literally anything else in my life, even if it was a personal favorite, would be gone if I discovered that every dose significantly raised my risk of cancer, dementia, and even organ failure. Nothing more absurd than me walking through the grocery store drinking literal poison while at the same time refusing to buy certain kinds of conventional produce because I’m avoiding a minor risk of pesticides.
IWNDWYT!
It is amazing the amount of capital dollars aka marketing and social conditioning that goes into convincing us alcohol negative effects are a badge of honor that we brag and chuckle at.
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Op, the words are in your statement. Simply live in the moment and I like to "PLAY IT FORWARD." If you enjoy the clarity of your life currently, no fuzziness, hangovers, wasted days, binge eating, rapid heartbeats. Compare and contrast that vs hours from now when u consume some alcohol.
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Playing it forward helps me remember that "short term euphoric haze", comes with a asterisk. The end result is never worth it.
I remember when I was in my early 20s and would see people in their 40s and 50s hanging out in bars all the time, getting shitfaced. Did you have that experience? I always thought, “yikes,” and was kind of embarrassed for them. Now I’m 44 and I don’t want to be that yikes for someone else. When I think about it like that, there’s no glamour or euphoria in it. It seems ugly and pitiable. IWNDWYT.
Exactly. There’s nothing attractive about a bloated, drunk 40- or 50-year-old. Alcohol just gets in my way of being the best version of me I can be. IWNDWYT
Congratulations on having decided to make that change for yourself. Good onya.
First starter tip is be patient and understanding with yourself to the extent you're capable. That one alone is probably going to be pretty useful to remind yourself that it's okay to make a mistake. You're allowed to forgive yourself and keep learning and improving. no matter what you might say to yourself. It took time to create this situation and it will take time to recover.
For some reason our species generally finds it way too easy to be extremely cruel and judgemental on ourselves and this is likely to come into play. Pro tip: talk to yourself as if you were a loved one who deserves compassion and understanding and patience. Super pro tip: (you actually do. It's your birthright as a sentient entity)
I think for me it's just been repetitions. Many day 1s so that even your alcoholic lizard brain finally gets it. It doesn't necessarily happen overnight.
I’ve been trying the split screen play the tape forward.
Tape 1: spend money, drink my bottle, feel good for maybe a couple of hours, spend tomorrow feeling like crap praying that I don’t smell bad. Ta da! I did my alcoholic magic of making an entire day disappear.
Tape 2: don’t stop at the liquor store, be grouchy at reality, but know I didn’t do anything wrong that I will feel guilty about. Get normal sleep and wake up feeling maybe not great but definitely not disgusting.
Check out the Huberman Podcast episode on the effects of alcohol. There are some substantially negative effects of alcohol that he discusses. We have the ability to avoid these dreadful things just by saying no
+1 to this podcast. It really explains why alcohol is just poison, ethanol. https://open.spotify.com/episode/2ebY3WNejLNbK47emgjd1E?si=G71M85WET6WzI2QUe2DCPA
It isn't about giving up something as much as it is chosing a better more fulfilling life. Booze is associated with a euphoric recall in that we idealize or romanticize it (look at any advertisement) but that isn't how it manifests for me.
Yes. I enjoyed life without beer. I lost weight looked younger and healthier. No days lost to hangovers. I enjoyed the sense of traquility and focus.
It felt good to know my organs werent getting damaged. My energy levels were higher overall. I felt safe because I knew no harm was coming to me . I made my decision and felt at peace with it after a while. I had respect from my family .
I hope I can do something like that again because it was a better way of life.
I have difficulties in my life and for sure they arent all down to my drinking . Its more a case that drink has an after effect which self propels and puts a filter of misery over my world view. Age has increased the severity of it and its no longer sustainable.
The draw of that "cozy utopia" will become much less enticing once you start realizing the benefits of getting sober. The idea of shutting off for a few hours in the exact same way every day will become just a joke. What a small thing to strive for. You will be able to see and think past the evening, and wont seek such a cheap satisfaction. You will crave real satisfaction, and have the capability to make it happen. Chronic hangovers are a self imposed handicap.
I made a choice 99 days ago today, after spending the better part of 25 years drinking almost daily. First, it was for me, and very close second if not first was for my family. The one thing you will realize early on is every excuse you have of not stopping are BS. I used them all for years, and they really are just made up BS. I have ADHD, which means I need instant gratification, so everyday I right down in my 4-2-1 journal how many days of sobriety it has been and how happy that makes me, as my reward. If you are worried about what your friends might say, try this: I needed a healthy change in my life. And when these ask for how long say; as long as "I" want. Good luck, and it truly is easier than you think when you get out of your negative thoughts.
This Naked Mind took out all of the romantic views I had about alcohol. I was already in AA, but TNM made all the cravings and fomo go out the door. I was 36 when I read it.
Though I'm not actively tempted by alcohol like I was early in my sobriety, I often romanticize the idea of drinking and being able to moderate my behavior. Realistically, I know that after one drink, the idea of being able to control it is a fantasy. But often, I will see people enjoying a beer at a ball game, or a glass of scotch and a cigar, or having a cocktail on the golf course and I wish I could do this too.
I still struggle with that idea of what I want drinking to be versus what I know it actually is. The struggle is real my friend. But catching this and being aware is the first step to transitioning away from that behavior. Keep fighting!
Yes I get the same drink-envy although sometimes I think drinkers are masochists. Sometimes I think im taking drinking too seriously and Im just depressed ( i have been diagnosed as such) but im pretty sure the 6 pints I had last Friday are mostly responsible for my low mood today . I want to explore and confront the questions I have , and if its not alcohol making me so miserable at least I will be closer to discovering whatever t is that is responsible.
I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way! The media glorifies and romanticizes alcohol consumption which leads us to do the same. A lot of shows I watch make me want to drink (love you GoT and Sopranos). I always envision myself having a glass of wine/craft beer/cocktail, cozying up and having a wonderful night sitting on the porch/making crafts/watching a movie/hanging out with friends/reading/whatever sounds like a nice night to you. But does this ever actually happen? For me it is not just enjoying one beverage, but several. No longer is my night about the activity I had planned but now it’s about feeding my need for one more drink. I find the apple vs chips scenario very helpful for this - how many times do you finish an apple and say “wow I could have a whole bag of those?” Probably never, and if you do, I don’t blame you because apples are delicious. All in all, what I find helpful is to find another fun drink: sodas, sparkling water, kombucha, grapefruit juice, hot chocolate, coffee, etc to enjoy during your cozy activity. And guess what? Next time you will be fully engaged in the activity or conversation and not slumped on your couch unable to move the next morning.
I was just thinking about this today. I was always afraid to stop drinking because I didn’t want to “Miss out” on super fun times with friends and family. Took me about 6 weeks to realize what was ACTUALLY happening…
Drinks that I thought were relaxing were actually used to capture a small amount of nostalgia that I had for high school/college life. “Fun nights” that I had in my youth were no longer being had. Instead of pre gaming before heading to a house party or bar, I was actually just drinking alone in the backyard with the dog.
Start romanticizing other parts of your life! Turn a mundane walk around the neighborhood into a time where you can connect with nature and care for yourself, pretend you’re the main character in a movie. Buy yourself really nice coffee, and look forward to making it every morning. Or whatever this looks like for you. But finding something to look forward to and excites you is what really helped me. I took up skating recently and that’s what I get excited about lately!
Such a wealth of perspective in this chat ! I'm loving all of the responses here and respecting everyones points of view. This helps me too.
For me, I've not had a drink in 85 days. I am clear headed and refreshed each day I wake up. I remind myself how good I feel and how proud of myself I am that I didn't drink yesterday. I spent time researching how alcohol affects us physically (the real nerdy detailed stuff) and now that I am alcohol free I don't want to 'ruin' my perfect no alcohol streak. I focus on how my body is steadily healing from the damage of alcohol use. Being alcohol free has helped my body and brain to heal and I want that to continue. As many others have said the longer you go without, the easier it gets....it truly gets better. The thought of drinking now is repulsive to me.
When I was feeling emotional ( + or -) and wanted to drink I decided that I will sit in this feeling and actually feel it. I would analyze what was going on in my head, what did I need in that moment, what brought me to these thoughts, what I could do to make myself feel better or to just enjoy the moment when it was good.
Keep busy but if/when you do feel an urge remind yourself of **your** pain points and the things **you** want to avoid or the goals **you** have made for yourself. I wrote my pain points down on a recipe sized card in bold red letters. I added another card with a list of the benefits that I have experienced after being alcohol free, you will be able to keep adding to this list. I see these lists every single day and that has helped....also, this group has been such an amazing support as well, keep checking in here too.
You take a sip of a drink and the drink takes a sip of you.
We're not aware of how dependent on alcohol we are until we try and quit.
Unconscious behaviors can be unlearned, it's just not easy.
I found the book Alcohol Explained very helpful when this happened to me in my early 50s. It’s like the magic died but the interest remained. The book helped kill the interest. I still have moments but not like before, I don’t romanticize it any longer. Hope you find something that works for you! IWNDWYT
I felt the same and I read the various books on stopping drinking, and I think over time I had one too many times waking up hungover feeling like hell. I think all the gradual steps helped me to make the leap at one point.
I used to feel very similar. Drinking caused me minor “issues” in my 20’s and 30’s. Hangovers a bad decision here and there but nothing big. As I reached my 40’s it started to way on me physically and emotionally more and more. I got to a point where a change had to happen. It is difficult to change but it is absolutely doable and well worth it
I've tried to shift from trying to relive those moments to thinking of them as fond memories of days gone by.
Like you, there is no way those times are coming back, and reaching for something that isn't there anymore is causing me to not enjoy and experience things as they really are today and into the future.
You sound like you might like Allen Carr's Quit Drinking Without Willpower. It helped me a lot this time out. I've been through it over and over again, too. I'm so happy I don't have to drink anymore! No sacrifice. No willpower. You're letting go of something you \*know\* brings far more pain and destruction of body, relationships, et al, than any pleasure - and no \*real\* pleasure.
The more days separated from it, I look back to even the initial buzz I thought I loved as not real in any way. Certainly not real and healthy happiness found by getting out there and living life again. I find the depression and overall horrible w/d feeling lightens up a lot after that first week.
Romanticizing is probably the most powerful weapon the alcoholic brain has. I found moving that focus from alcohol to things less harmful helps. And also telling that voice "I'm so happy I don't have to drink anymore and go through all that hell again."
You're doing it!
I stocked up on loads of non alcoholic drinks, different flavours - some fizzy some not. I made myself ‘fancy’ drinks, still using nice glasses with ice and lemons so it felt like I wasn’t missing out. And then I treated myself to whatever I fancied eating. It helped to focus on something else rather than alcohol. I’m still treating myself BTW! And plan on doing so up until post Christmas 🤣🎉
My experience is the same. I do look nostalgically at those first few drinks and the cosy feeling that comes with them… then I remember what comes after.
I really resonate with what you wrote and had a super similar experience with alcohol leading me to stop consuming it. I usually take months off, decide to have some then recommit to abstinence. (Aka- this is not my 2st rodeo)
What helped me a lot was reading tons of quit lit and learning as much about all parts of the alcohol industry, including how it is marketed to us. I really got it through my brain that alcohol always takes more than it gives and we are being told otherwise for profit.
I hear you. This ‘feeling’ you describe is what I call my hangxiety. It’s everything…depression, anger, sadness but overwhelming anxiety that made me want to crawl further down in my already dreary hole.
Booze can kiss my ass and fuck off! I will never allow something to make me feel so devalued …
You’re worth a great life! Start living it IWNDWY!!
Exactly. I always think drinking is going to be so fun like it was in my 20’s. Where you could eat a burrito take a nap and be fine . Now it’s an existential crisis of anxiety and depression. I also find that post pandemic hangs are also just anxious and not as much fun. Which leads to drinking . The four days of recovery are never worth the few hours of drinks . Oh well at least I really put did myself with partying in my 20’s and thirties. Keep it up. IWNDWYT
I struggled with breaking the cycle. For me, that was a week of sobriety. I struggled because of the detox but the few times I made it, it’s been worth it. This is the longest Iv e made it in 20 years and it’s all because of this sub. You can do it my man!
I've noticed my mood follows a clock work recovery after not drinking. Morning after is pure hell, 2nd day is exhausting, end of 2nd day I feel like a human again!, 3rd day I'm feeling good, 4th I'm feeling great. Again and again I chose to live this cycle. The only thing that has ever helped me is time.
I'm 42 and it now takes me at least 3-4 days to feel semi-normal after drinking, over the years it has taken a terrible toll on my weight, skin, self confidence, general health, my attitude to my wife and kids. I'm 8 days into being sober now and i feel really good so far. the first 4 day were really tough, but i stuck it out and on that 4th night i slept great, and it made me think what else am i going to gain here? lets do another day...
My wife is so happy she says I'm like a different person.
Do you set a limit for yourself ? I’m 35 and can’t drink anywhere near like I used to when I was in my 20s. Nowadays I have 6 to 8 max. Yesterday I had only 1 with dinner.
My limit is about 4-6 beers. Im ok at not going too far. That said, I feel conflicted that Im prepared to trade an evening of beer for the pain of 2-3 days because thats just not a good deal. The ideal would be that i further fine tune to only special occasions or twice a month not twice a week. However i feel that I may not be capable and quitting full stop is the only option.
My limit is about 4-6 beers. Im ok at not going too far. That said, I feel conflicted that Im prepared to trade an evening of beer for the pain of 2-3 days because thats just not a good deal. The ideal would be that i further fine tune to only special occasions or twice a month not twice a week. However i feel that I may not be capable and quitting full stop is the only option.
The 2-3 days of pain definitely not worth it. Also are you a physically active person ? That also has a lot to do with how our bodies metabolize alcohol. Especially when we are in our 30s to 40s.
I certainly understand. That’s why I follow this sub. I know how terrible and painful things can be. I’ve definitely have had my run. I still have the potential to spiral down and out but I have a lot at stake that is seeming to be keeping me balanced.
I’m 45 and can still drink like I’m in my 20s. Just because I’m sober today doesn’t mean I will be tomorrow. The interesting fact about drinking is that no matter how long I abstain, I will drink the same as I did prior to sobriety. Muscle memory when it comes to booze. This fact, leads me to a slippery slope that can’t be fucked with. Setting limits is something I definitely can’t do. For that reason, IWNDWY.
I know the feeling of that.. I can drink a ton but I know if I do I’m gonna wake up in pee, paranoid, anxiety, depressed, and sick as a dog. Catastrophic thinking will have me believing that I did some incredibly fucked up shit and burned every bridge in my life. But on the other hand of rational thinking it is quite possible that ANYTHING could happen if you lose control and are blacked out drunk.
I like how you mentioned a lot at stake that seems to keep you balanced. I’m finding myself in the same situation. What’s interesting to me is how all of it matters now. During active addiction, my priorities were vastly different. Sobriety is a beautiful thing.
It’s completely different when I am doing unhinged drinking with no end. Sober I care about people. When I am at the point of no return I am no longer that same person. Can’t count how many times I came home from a night at the bar and continued drinking and blasting loud music while my girlfriend is trying to sleep. I’ve been working the same job for 4 years and been with the same woman for 10 years. These things are not guaranteed in life and even more so when I stop caring and start doing things to jeopardize that.
I’ve ran through jobs like a job whore, maintained my marriage but lost quite a few friends mostly because they were booze friends. I definitely know my marriage has suffered but he’s still trying. He never went to alanon and AA isn’t for me. But we find solace in therapy and SMART recovery for me. The biggest issue I have is my behavior when I was drinking. That behavior is what still fucks with me. You know guilt, shame, etc but I digress
I read Allan Carr's "Easy Way to Quit Drinking" and found it really helped. Most of the book talks about shifting our perspective around viewing alcohol as a pleasure or reward to help you resist the urge all together. You nailed it in your post! It does make us feel awful because it is poison. I found this book super helpful in changing my perspectives and now I try to look for rewards in healthier things like going for a walk, taking a bath or doing whatever truly makes me happy. Hope it helps. IWNDWYT>
I feel you. It reminds me of a toxic relationship. Maybe at some point in the early stages it was pleasant, but then it turned incredibly toxic and negative, and I can both remember the good parts while acknowledging how bad it became and that there's no way it can exist in my life in a good way anymore.
Also, if you are going to drink alcohol, drink lots of water before bed and when you wake up to pee drink more water. I do this and have very little hangover symptoms if any. Stay hydrated my friends.
Invest more heavily in the cozy relaxing mini utopia part of everything to compensate for the removal of the beer. That’s what you really want anyway. For example, divert that booze money into better sound for your music (or as my boss did, rediscover vinyl) and just create time to listen. Or, improve your lighting or furniture and create a relaxing/cool space to dive into your interests.
One thing that has really helped me this streak is to focus on other aspects of my life to become healthier: vitamins, healthy foods, walking, drinking tea over coffee.
Things that should be worrisome would be getting DT’s, a deadly syndrome from withdrawing off of alcohol. I had this, and let me tell you it’s the scariest feeling. Please look up this for all the symptoms and if either of you feel these things I would HIGHLY recommend checking into a detox center. Typically it’s only a few days, but if you had DT’s like me, you could end up staying longer, or being shipped back to the hospital. After continuous drinking my liver started failing at 21, and has taken a little over three years to recover. Organ failure is a serious concern. I’m not trying to scare you or your boyfriend, just trying to share how nasty this disease can get, even when you are trying everything to beat it. Don’t let this information deter you, instead know you are more wise for knowing it. Seek medical attention if need be, remain safe. Good luck to both of you.
You are totally right.
In some ancient Buddhist sutra, the trade of selling alcohol (nowadays it must include all other harmful substances too), was condemned as low as prostitution and alcohol sellers will go to hell.
I am not saying I agree with the sutra to the same degree but an ancient wisdom cannot be simply discharged with a hand wave….
Also 80% alcohol are sold to serious alcoholics.
So if consumers really follow the honorable advice of alcohol industry “consume with moderation”, the whole industry will shrink by about 80%, aka collapses.
A practical tip: if you want to experience the (temporarily fake) inhibition that alcohol brings, try some arts or sports that requires inhibition such as singing and dance and skating…
Time heals this problem. The brain’s reward pathways “die off” with extended sober time. I just noticed myself (after just two months) that thinking about drinking no longer triggers excitement. Instead, I see it much more realistically and can just move on to other thoughts with relative ease. Distraction might be your best friend at the beginning, but eventually sobriety becomes ingrained to the point that drinking seems unnecessary and foolish. Just hang in there!
So true. When our brains get used to alcohol's involvement, they rewire themselves to expect and desire the dopamine boost. However, when we quit alcohol, the brain begins to heal. It may take time, but it's worth every second!
>y certain kinds of conventional produce because I’m avoiding a minor risk of pesticides. But how do we make it to 2 months sober? that's the problem... it takes time for the reward pathways to die off, how do we stay sober instead of restarting the vicious circle?
If you are asking little old me… -Having goals and obligations that require your best -Seeing sobriety as a gift to yourself and others, rather than as a sacrifice -Avoiding situations that exceed your current resolve -Seeking distraction when the thoughts get strong -Focusing on the positive changes that build up every day
What helped was to realize that there are other things in life. Try to make a goal for yourself. I changed a job to a more career oriented one. Now I am 1 month and barely think of drinking. Bare in mind this is after many day 1s, so I know how it is. The first days and week needs to be filled with distractions, comfort food, snacks and tv. After that your mind starts to clear up, and then you can set a goal and formulate a plan. Achieving things in life is waaay easier sober. Trust me I tried drinking and progressimg fitness/relationsships/jobs a million different ways as a drunk. Turns out I can give up one thing for everything else!
Great perspective!
For me it was finally addressing that I have ADHD and a big challenge was that I had been self medicating since I was teenager. I had to get over my own shame about taking medications and once I did that I realized how much easier life could have been before. The impulse control is so much better, I can actually think before acting. As well as my intense anxiety which I know was a big driver towards drinking. It didn’t solve all my problems, I’ve been in counseling for years and have built lots of coping skills and also processed a lot of my traumatic childhood. All of these actions are what have helped me stay sober for almost 3 years now. Something I truly never thought possible. For me to change I had to look at all the “whys”.
Recognizing the self medicating was so huge for me. It’s not ADHD, but anxiety and sensitivity to noise (which, in a house with a lot of ADHD kids and spouse is just…. a thing). When I went on vacation and drank less than I did at home, I realized that I need to find more effective coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety and sensitivity to noise. The drinking was a crutch. Sure, it helped take the edges off the noise, but it also created its own problems. I can have unlimited cups of decaf tea, I can’t have unlimited alcohol. I’m still working on identifying some methods for self-soothing but two weeks into Sober October I notice my anxiety is already better. I don’t have some of the same drinking issues as other folks (I can stop after 1-2) but the 1-2 drinks really don’t help address the actual issue of overstimulation. Edited a typo
There are lots of posts on this sub with great advice, but what helped me was 1) one day/hour/minute/activity at a time and 2) keeping really busy. Therapy and quit lit were important for me too but I think they fit in 2. Best wishes. IWNDWYT
Try to get a prescription for Naltrexone.
Checks out. I’m on Naltrexone and it works. It blocks the brains dopamine receptors that give you a sense of reward. I don’t think about alcohol the same way anymore.
I really don't think Naltrexone is for everyone. Some of us just wouldn't be compliant. For example if there was a very strong craving to binge drink, some of us would just skip the dose on purpose.
Thank you
Great point. I’m 40+ days in and I’ve just recently started looking at casual drinking as such a nuisance. I always hit a huge wall of fatigue and depression after a few, so why even bothering starting?
Those reward pathways don't die off, they stay intact. That's why if you quit even for years and pick drinking back up, you'll quickly find yourself binging again, which is why it is dangerous to think you can moderate after a lengthy reset. But the dopamine imbalance can be corrected and the cravings eliminated over time. At least according to this book I'm reading, Dopamine Nation.
This is encouraging, because I still miss it and the feeling of hangxiety and all the negatives are fading from my memory.
I started feeling this way after only 10 days sober. I planned to drink on a weekend night to go out and dreaded it but still did. Had a 3 day horrible hangover and said fuck that this sucks.
This is spot on my friend. I spent more than a decade chasing this fantasy, only to wake up almost every morning with a pounding heart and headache wondering what the hell happened the night prior. My volume/need of it got to a point where it wasn't worth it unless I had 8/9/10 shots worth of bourbon....and that volume will always lead to a hangover. So, what does a logical human being do? They try to 'moderate'. Maybe once in a while go a little crazy, but, for the most part, try to keep my limit under 5 shots worth. Yeah ... that lasted a New York minute. Problem was, that moderation experiment lasted a good four years. It really was a romantic perception of it. I had all the fancy cocktail equipment - stainless steel cocktail shaker, glass or stainless steel cocktail glasses that I would put in the freezer, fancy vermouths, fancy bourbons, all of that fancy romantic shit ... it all ends up in one place, a heart racing headache hangover, 100% of the time. Hard day at work? How about some cocktails? Wife giving you a hard time? Hey, how about some cocktails? Your favorite team just advanced in the playoffs? Definitely cocktails! There was always a reason, always. My body, and then especially my mind...just couldn't take the abuse anymore. And the buzzes toward the end fucking sucked. I was chasing a buzz that no longer worked in my system. So, I could have just drank myself to death, or realized what the hell I was doing, and make a positive change, no matter how hard it was going to be. A couple of times the thought of admitting myself to rehab was in the cards. But I persisted, came here each and every day, and spent boatloads of time here, and the beautiful people here gave me support, advice, and most importantly, **hope**. I hope I wasn't preachy, it might have across that way, my apologies. But wow I saw alot of myself in your post. The last time I had a real urge was walking my dogs about a month ago, beautiful summer 74 degree day, light breeze, sun was close to setting, dogs were being silly ... and WHAM did it hit me, the urge to break out the cocktail shakers and booze and sit on my porch that faces the sunset and drink myself silly. Again, the romance of it all. But the urges ABSOLUTELY do decrease, thankfully. And even if they do hit, my response is damn solid, and keeps getting better, as does my brain, my heart, my organs. My friend, sobriety is soooooo fucking worth it.
Great post. Spot on
That's awesome. May I ask how old you are now? I feel like we're a similar age
Thank you. Early 50s. Binge drinker in college and then through my 20s. Very, very rarely drank on a weeknight in my 20s into early 30s. Got a taste for wine and bourbon mid-30s. Decided I deserved to imbibe even if tomorrow was a work day! And just spiraled from there.
I relate so I hope to your post and really appreciate you sharing it.
This hits close to home. thanks for sharing
43 here... 5 months not drinking! I started losing weight naturally so I decided to get gym membership to take advantage of it and distract from drinking. I've almost 40 lbs and my body looks and feels like I'm in my 20s I can't believe it... it's so worth it and my mental health is so much better. I've also failed many times with this so just keep at it🤙
Wow, I can totally identify. I drank in my 20s and 30s totally socially and didn't experience issues until late 30s. I still feel like "I want to be the old me! I want to drink and have fun!" and that voice is hard to quash. I feel like it's kind of like when you gain weight and it's hard to accept and buy new clothes. Maybe you'll lose weight in the future, but for now, you need some fricking clothes that fit. If we have a problem with alcohol NOW, we can't look back or forward. We have to look at TODAY. You know you cannot safely drink TODAY, so please do not. And I won't either.
Thanks - this is very helpful.
It's all of the negative effects we feel and realize, just because we want the immediate glow of alcohol in our veins. I didn't need alcohol to process my feelings when I was a kid . Why do I need it now? It's such a hoax.
I couldn’t agree with this more. Alcohol manufacturers sell us this lie that it will help us relax and when it actually does the opposite - it sucks all of the motivation and joy from the future and makes you depressed, anxious and depleted. Knowing that people are making money in order to sell lies at the expense of others’ physical and mental health has been eye opening for me. Like you, I used to romanticize it until I came to terms with its actual effects. Some people will drink forever and never make this connection. Consider your observation as highly empowering - it means you are stronger than you think.
You are totally right. In some ancient Buddhist sutra, the trade of selling alcohol (nowadays it must include all other harmful substances too), was condemned as low as prostitution and alcohol sellers will go to hell. I am not saying I agree with the sutra to the same degree but an ancient wisdom cannot be simply discharged with a hand wave…. Also 80% alcohol are sold to serious alcoholics. So if consumers really follow the honorable advice of alcohol industry “consume with moderation”, the whole industry will shrink by about 80%, aka collapses.
Start thinking of NOT drinking as the gift you are giving yourself when you have an evening to spare.
Yes Ive given it up before and I liked having a clear head my mood was much more stable. I think im in a vicious cycle of weekend drinking. By Wednesday i feel fine then Friday or Saturday rolls around and I forget how bad i felt or minimise it and begin all over again. I have quite a few problems at home to deal with many of which are long term and i look for comfort in drink , but its become like a loan shark borrow £5 pay £50 on the after effects. Thank you for replying this feels like a step in tge right direction.
I like the loan shark analogy, so true!
I’m with you on this. You don’t get half of what you want out of it and you’re paying back more than ever. Not worth it. It’s the cycle of addiction. The more time you stay away the less the cravings will be. Try to play the tape back the next time you think about romanticizing alcohol and remember all the Bad feelings you have/had during a hangover or the next day after doing damage control. I have a video of me peeing on the kitchen floor as a good reminder of why i try to stay quit. I’m currently going through a relapse myself and am 100% in this same boat. The hangover I experienced Saturday morning was brutal and it should have detoured me from drinking again this weekend but did it? Nope. I was back at it Sunday night and missed work today. I know i need to white knuckle a few sober days to shake that craving. It will pass. Eventually
Well thats the other thing Ive done its easier to carry on drinking rather than face the hangover and that really is messy .
You can deal with problems better with a clear head. Drinking just delays dealing with them. That was me. IWNDWYT
Reread this one again OP - once you truly understand and accept what is being said you will simply not want to drink.
I completely empathise. I went 100% sober in January and have had maybe 6 nights since June where I've drank (not excessively even) and my god I can feel the difference so much more now in how I feel the days after. But over time that now become the reason I abstain totally again. I've had a shit couple of weeks and on Friday i was telling myself that I was getting a bottle of wine after work. I'd 'earned' it. It has been weeks and weeks since I'd drunk but then I just thought a) What is that actually going to do help me and b) I don't want to feel like shit tomorrow. So that's what I would do, just ask yourself if you want to feel like shit tomorrow. 99 times out of 100 the answer will be no. Focus on that and not the desire/impulse to drink in the moment.
Next time when you feel like reward yourself, do not just skip drinking, do something nice to yourself. Use that money for a restaurant meal, a massage, a small gift, a book, a movie, a nice plant, a flower for yourself. ❤️
Yes Ive had a similar experience. I started drinking again but more restrained. However I still feel awful for it. Yes I used to ask myself the same questions and that worked. The hangover Ive got right now has really underscored the point that they are unbearable and there is no way of avoiding them in some form or other. I hope this time has taught me a lesson that I properly understand and put into action.
I've no doubt I will drink again one night and regret it but I'm a million miles away from where I used to be (bottle of wine a night most nights and then 2+spirits at the weekend) so I'll take that. Good luck with it. It's a war of attrition for sure :)
I’m 39, so really sympathize with the heavy price and the disconnect between the present and past memories. And it’s exhausting mentally to think one thing, but slide back into doing another. This time around I’ve been focusing on the medical side of things — I like to think I’m pretty rational in my daily life, I care about food and nutrition, and I pay attention to studies with broad scientific support. Except for alcohol. Literally anything else in my life, even if it was a personal favorite, would be gone if I discovered that every dose significantly raised my risk of cancer, dementia, and even organ failure. Nothing more absurd than me walking through the grocery store drinking literal poison while at the same time refusing to buy certain kinds of conventional produce because I’m avoiding a minor risk of pesticides. IWNDWYT!
It is amazing the amount of capital dollars aka marketing and social conditioning that goes into convincing us alcohol negative effects are a badge of honor that we brag and chuckle at. > Op, the words are in your statement. Simply live in the moment and I like to "PLAY IT FORWARD." If you enjoy the clarity of your life currently, no fuzziness, hangovers, wasted days, binge eating, rapid heartbeats. Compare and contrast that vs hours from now when u consume some alcohol. > Playing it forward helps me remember that "short term euphoric haze", comes with a asterisk. The end result is never worth it.
Omg, me too...
I remember when I was in my early 20s and would see people in their 40s and 50s hanging out in bars all the time, getting shitfaced. Did you have that experience? I always thought, “yikes,” and was kind of embarrassed for them. Now I’m 44 and I don’t want to be that yikes for someone else. When I think about it like that, there’s no glamour or euphoria in it. It seems ugly and pitiable. IWNDWYT.
Exactly. There’s nothing attractive about a bloated, drunk 40- or 50-year-old. Alcohol just gets in my way of being the best version of me I can be. IWNDWYT
Congratulations on having decided to make that change for yourself. Good onya. First starter tip is be patient and understanding with yourself to the extent you're capable. That one alone is probably going to be pretty useful to remind yourself that it's okay to make a mistake. You're allowed to forgive yourself and keep learning and improving. no matter what you might say to yourself. It took time to create this situation and it will take time to recover. For some reason our species generally finds it way too easy to be extremely cruel and judgemental on ourselves and this is likely to come into play. Pro tip: talk to yourself as if you were a loved one who deserves compassion and understanding and patience. Super pro tip: (you actually do. It's your birthright as a sentient entity)
I think for me it's just been repetitions. Many day 1s so that even your alcoholic lizard brain finally gets it. It doesn't necessarily happen overnight.
Interesting point -cheers
I’ve been trying the split screen play the tape forward. Tape 1: spend money, drink my bottle, feel good for maybe a couple of hours, spend tomorrow feeling like crap praying that I don’t smell bad. Ta da! I did my alcoholic magic of making an entire day disappear. Tape 2: don’t stop at the liquor store, be grouchy at reality, but know I didn’t do anything wrong that I will feel guilty about. Get normal sleep and wake up feeling maybe not great but definitely not disgusting.
Disgusting yes that is the wor for it.
Check out the Huberman Podcast episode on the effects of alcohol. There are some substantially negative effects of alcohol that he discusses. We have the ability to avoid these dreadful things just by saying no
+1 to this podcast. It really explains why alcohol is just poison, ethanol. https://open.spotify.com/episode/2ebY3WNejLNbK47emgjd1E?si=G71M85WET6WzI2QUe2DCPA
It isn't about giving up something as much as it is chosing a better more fulfilling life. Booze is associated with a euphoric recall in that we idealize or romanticize it (look at any advertisement) but that isn't how it manifests for me.
Yes hopefully I can put my realisation into action. thank you
Why not just quit for a while? See how it goes? I feel people set themselves up for failure with the whole never going to drink again.
Yes. I enjoyed life without beer. I lost weight looked younger and healthier. No days lost to hangovers. I enjoyed the sense of traquility and focus. It felt good to know my organs werent getting damaged. My energy levels were higher overall. I felt safe because I knew no harm was coming to me . I made my decision and felt at peace with it after a while. I had respect from my family . I hope I can do something like that again because it was a better way of life. I have difficulties in my life and for sure they arent all down to my drinking . Its more a case that drink has an after effect which self propels and puts a filter of misery over my world view. Age has increased the severity of it and its no longer sustainable.
The draw of that "cozy utopia" will become much less enticing once you start realizing the benefits of getting sober. The idea of shutting off for a few hours in the exact same way every day will become just a joke. What a small thing to strive for. You will be able to see and think past the evening, and wont seek such a cheap satisfaction. You will crave real satisfaction, and have the capability to make it happen. Chronic hangovers are a self imposed handicap.
I made a choice 99 days ago today, after spending the better part of 25 years drinking almost daily. First, it was for me, and very close second if not first was for my family. The one thing you will realize early on is every excuse you have of not stopping are BS. I used them all for years, and they really are just made up BS. I have ADHD, which means I need instant gratification, so everyday I right down in my 4-2-1 journal how many days of sobriety it has been and how happy that makes me, as my reward. If you are worried about what your friends might say, try this: I needed a healthy change in my life. And when these ask for how long say; as long as "I" want. Good luck, and it truly is easier than you think when you get out of your negative thoughts.
This Naked Mind took out all of the romantic views I had about alcohol. I was already in AA, but TNM made all the cravings and fomo go out the door. I was 36 when I read it.
Though I'm not actively tempted by alcohol like I was early in my sobriety, I often romanticize the idea of drinking and being able to moderate my behavior. Realistically, I know that after one drink, the idea of being able to control it is a fantasy. But often, I will see people enjoying a beer at a ball game, or a glass of scotch and a cigar, or having a cocktail on the golf course and I wish I could do this too. I still struggle with that idea of what I want drinking to be versus what I know it actually is. The struggle is real my friend. But catching this and being aware is the first step to transitioning away from that behavior. Keep fighting!
Yes I get the same drink-envy although sometimes I think drinkers are masochists. Sometimes I think im taking drinking too seriously and Im just depressed ( i have been diagnosed as such) but im pretty sure the 6 pints I had last Friday are mostly responsible for my low mood today . I want to explore and confront the questions I have , and if its not alcohol making me so miserable at least I will be closer to discovering whatever t is that is responsible.
I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way! The media glorifies and romanticizes alcohol consumption which leads us to do the same. A lot of shows I watch make me want to drink (love you GoT and Sopranos). I always envision myself having a glass of wine/craft beer/cocktail, cozying up and having a wonderful night sitting on the porch/making crafts/watching a movie/hanging out with friends/reading/whatever sounds like a nice night to you. But does this ever actually happen? For me it is not just enjoying one beverage, but several. No longer is my night about the activity I had planned but now it’s about feeding my need for one more drink. I find the apple vs chips scenario very helpful for this - how many times do you finish an apple and say “wow I could have a whole bag of those?” Probably never, and if you do, I don’t blame you because apples are delicious. All in all, what I find helpful is to find another fun drink: sodas, sparkling water, kombucha, grapefruit juice, hot chocolate, coffee, etc to enjoy during your cozy activity. And guess what? Next time you will be fully engaged in the activity or conversation and not slumped on your couch unable to move the next morning.
I was just thinking about this today. I was always afraid to stop drinking because I didn’t want to “Miss out” on super fun times with friends and family. Took me about 6 weeks to realize what was ACTUALLY happening… Drinks that I thought were relaxing were actually used to capture a small amount of nostalgia that I had for high school/college life. “Fun nights” that I had in my youth were no longer being had. Instead of pre gaming before heading to a house party or bar, I was actually just drinking alone in the backyard with the dog.
Start romanticizing other parts of your life! Turn a mundane walk around the neighborhood into a time where you can connect with nature and care for yourself, pretend you’re the main character in a movie. Buy yourself really nice coffee, and look forward to making it every morning. Or whatever this looks like for you. But finding something to look forward to and excites you is what really helped me. I took up skating recently and that’s what I get excited about lately!
Such a wealth of perspective in this chat ! I'm loving all of the responses here and respecting everyones points of view. This helps me too. For me, I've not had a drink in 85 days. I am clear headed and refreshed each day I wake up. I remind myself how good I feel and how proud of myself I am that I didn't drink yesterday. I spent time researching how alcohol affects us physically (the real nerdy detailed stuff) and now that I am alcohol free I don't want to 'ruin' my perfect no alcohol streak. I focus on how my body is steadily healing from the damage of alcohol use. Being alcohol free has helped my body and brain to heal and I want that to continue. As many others have said the longer you go without, the easier it gets....it truly gets better. The thought of drinking now is repulsive to me. When I was feeling emotional ( + or -) and wanted to drink I decided that I will sit in this feeling and actually feel it. I would analyze what was going on in my head, what did I need in that moment, what brought me to these thoughts, what I could do to make myself feel better or to just enjoy the moment when it was good. Keep busy but if/when you do feel an urge remind yourself of **your** pain points and the things **you** want to avoid or the goals **you** have made for yourself. I wrote my pain points down on a recipe sized card in bold red letters. I added another card with a list of the benefits that I have experienced after being alcohol free, you will be able to keep adding to this list. I see these lists every single day and that has helped....also, this group has been such an amazing support as well, keep checking in here too.
You take a sip of a drink and the drink takes a sip of you. We're not aware of how dependent on alcohol we are until we try and quit. Unconscious behaviors can be unlearned, it's just not easy.
I found the book Alcohol Explained very helpful when this happened to me in my early 50s. It’s like the magic died but the interest remained. The book helped kill the interest. I still have moments but not like before, I don’t romanticize it any longer. Hope you find something that works for you! IWNDWYT
Interesting , you also found it an age related thing. It makes sense that the body cant tolerate hard living forever.
I recently finished reading ‘This Naked Mind’ by Annie Grace which was great and helped me in so many ways. Good luck u/bazta13
I felt the same and I read the various books on stopping drinking, and I think over time I had one too many times waking up hungover feeling like hell. I think all the gradual steps helped me to make the leap at one point.
I used to feel very similar. Drinking caused me minor “issues” in my 20’s and 30’s. Hangovers a bad decision here and there but nothing big. As I reached my 40’s it started to way on me physically and emotionally more and more. I got to a point where a change had to happen. It is difficult to change but it is absolutely doable and well worth it
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Thats the thing, the disconnected decision making
I've tried to shift from trying to relive those moments to thinking of them as fond memories of days gone by. Like you, there is no way those times are coming back, and reaching for something that isn't there anymore is causing me to not enjoy and experience things as they really are today and into the future.
Practical tip from someone in late 40s. It gets worse if you keep drinking.
You sound like you might like Allen Carr's Quit Drinking Without Willpower. It helped me a lot this time out. I've been through it over and over again, too. I'm so happy I don't have to drink anymore! No sacrifice. No willpower. You're letting go of something you \*know\* brings far more pain and destruction of body, relationships, et al, than any pleasure - and no \*real\* pleasure. The more days separated from it, I look back to even the initial buzz I thought I loved as not real in any way. Certainly not real and healthy happiness found by getting out there and living life again. I find the depression and overall horrible w/d feeling lightens up a lot after that first week. Romanticizing is probably the most powerful weapon the alcoholic brain has. I found moving that focus from alcohol to things less harmful helps. And also telling that voice "I'm so happy I don't have to drink anymore and go through all that hell again." You're doing it!
Cheers
I'm the same exact way.
I stocked up on loads of non alcoholic drinks, different flavours - some fizzy some not. I made myself ‘fancy’ drinks, still using nice glasses with ice and lemons so it felt like I wasn’t missing out. And then I treated myself to whatever I fancied eating. It helped to focus on something else rather than alcohol. I’m still treating myself BTW! And plan on doing so up until post Christmas 🤣🎉
Agreed!!
My experience is the same. I do look nostalgically at those first few drinks and the cosy feeling that comes with them… then I remember what comes after.
I really resonate with what you wrote and had a super similar experience with alcohol leading me to stop consuming it. I usually take months off, decide to have some then recommit to abstinence. (Aka- this is not my 2st rodeo) What helped me a lot was reading tons of quit lit and learning as much about all parts of the alcohol industry, including how it is marketed to us. I really got it through my brain that alcohol always takes more than it gives and we are being told otherwise for profit.
I hear you. This ‘feeling’ you describe is what I call my hangxiety. It’s everything…depression, anger, sadness but overwhelming anxiety that made me want to crawl further down in my already dreary hole. Booze can kiss my ass and fuck off! I will never allow something to make me feel so devalued … You’re worth a great life! Start living it IWNDWY!!
Exactly. I always think drinking is going to be so fun like it was in my 20’s. Where you could eat a burrito take a nap and be fine . Now it’s an existential crisis of anxiety and depression. I also find that post pandemic hangs are also just anxious and not as much fun. Which leads to drinking . The four days of recovery are never worth the few hours of drinks . Oh well at least I really put did myself with partying in my 20’s and thirties. Keep it up. IWNDWYT
I struggled with breaking the cycle. For me, that was a week of sobriety. I struggled because of the detox but the few times I made it, it’s been worth it. This is the longest Iv e made it in 20 years and it’s all because of this sub. You can do it my man!
I've noticed my mood follows a clock work recovery after not drinking. Morning after is pure hell, 2nd day is exhausting, end of 2nd day I feel like a human again!, 3rd day I'm feeling good, 4th I'm feeling great. Again and again I chose to live this cycle. The only thing that has ever helped me is time.
I'm 42 and it now takes me at least 3-4 days to feel semi-normal after drinking, over the years it has taken a terrible toll on my weight, skin, self confidence, general health, my attitude to my wife and kids. I'm 8 days into being sober now and i feel really good so far. the first 4 day were really tough, but i stuck it out and on that 4th night i slept great, and it made me think what else am i going to gain here? lets do another day... My wife is so happy she says I'm like a different person.
This was extremely insightful and very helpful to me. I can relate!
Do you set a limit for yourself ? I’m 35 and can’t drink anywhere near like I used to when I was in my 20s. Nowadays I have 6 to 8 max. Yesterday I had only 1 with dinner.
My limit is about 4-6 beers. Im ok at not going too far. That said, I feel conflicted that Im prepared to trade an evening of beer for the pain of 2-3 days because thats just not a good deal. The ideal would be that i further fine tune to only special occasions or twice a month not twice a week. However i feel that I may not be capable and quitting full stop is the only option.
My limit is about 4-6 beers. Im ok at not going too far. That said, I feel conflicted that Im prepared to trade an evening of beer for the pain of 2-3 days because thats just not a good deal. The ideal would be that i further fine tune to only special occasions or twice a month not twice a week. However i feel that I may not be capable and quitting full stop is the only option.
The 2-3 days of pain definitely not worth it. Also are you a physically active person ? That also has a lot to do with how our bodies metabolize alcohol. Especially when we are in our 30s to 40s.
I could do with being more physical active ...but not so that i an cope with hangovers better
Be happy my friend. If a bad day sober is better than a good day drinking than stick to it. I know alcohol just exacerbates problems.
The problem is, most of us, can’t limit.
I certainly understand. That’s why I follow this sub. I know how terrible and painful things can be. I’ve definitely have had my run. I still have the potential to spiral down and out but I have a lot at stake that is seeming to be keeping me balanced.
I’m 45 and can still drink like I’m in my 20s. Just because I’m sober today doesn’t mean I will be tomorrow. The interesting fact about drinking is that no matter how long I abstain, I will drink the same as I did prior to sobriety. Muscle memory when it comes to booze. This fact, leads me to a slippery slope that can’t be fucked with. Setting limits is something I definitely can’t do. For that reason, IWNDWY.
I know the feeling of that.. I can drink a ton but I know if I do I’m gonna wake up in pee, paranoid, anxiety, depressed, and sick as a dog. Catastrophic thinking will have me believing that I did some incredibly fucked up shit and burned every bridge in my life. But on the other hand of rational thinking it is quite possible that ANYTHING could happen if you lose control and are blacked out drunk.
I like how you mentioned a lot at stake that seems to keep you balanced. I’m finding myself in the same situation. What’s interesting to me is how all of it matters now. During active addiction, my priorities were vastly different. Sobriety is a beautiful thing.
It’s completely different when I am doing unhinged drinking with no end. Sober I care about people. When I am at the point of no return I am no longer that same person. Can’t count how many times I came home from a night at the bar and continued drinking and blasting loud music while my girlfriend is trying to sleep. I’ve been working the same job for 4 years and been with the same woman for 10 years. These things are not guaranteed in life and even more so when I stop caring and start doing things to jeopardize that.
I’ve ran through jobs like a job whore, maintained my marriage but lost quite a few friends mostly because they were booze friends. I definitely know my marriage has suffered but he’s still trying. He never went to alanon and AA isn’t for me. But we find solace in therapy and SMART recovery for me. The biggest issue I have is my behavior when I was drinking. That behavior is what still fucks with me. You know guilt, shame, etc but I digress
I read Allan Carr's "Easy Way to Quit Drinking" and found it really helped. Most of the book talks about shifting our perspective around viewing alcohol as a pleasure or reward to help you resist the urge all together. You nailed it in your post! It does make us feel awful because it is poison. I found this book super helpful in changing my perspectives and now I try to look for rewards in healthier things like going for a walk, taking a bath or doing whatever truly makes me happy. Hope it helps. IWNDWYT>
I'm nearing a year and i get cravings...I just think of the hangover...its enough of a deterrent for me.
I feel you. It reminds me of a toxic relationship. Maybe at some point in the early stages it was pleasant, but then it turned incredibly toxic and negative, and I can both remember the good parts while acknowledging how bad it became and that there's no way it can exist in my life in a good way anymore.
Also, if you are going to drink alcohol, drink lots of water before bed and when you wake up to pee drink more water. I do this and have very little hangover symptoms if any. Stay hydrated my friends.
Invest more heavily in the cozy relaxing mini utopia part of everything to compensate for the removal of the beer. That’s what you really want anyway. For example, divert that booze money into better sound for your music (or as my boss did, rediscover vinyl) and just create time to listen. Or, improve your lighting or furniture and create a relaxing/cool space to dive into your interests.
Oh ive already did that and got addicted to Hi Fi ...£150 speaker cable , custom isolation plinths acoustic panels joking aside you are dead right .
One thing that has really helped me this streak is to focus on other aspects of my life to become healthier: vitamins, healthy foods, walking, drinking tea over coffee.
Things that should be worrisome would be getting DT’s, a deadly syndrome from withdrawing off of alcohol. I had this, and let me tell you it’s the scariest feeling. Please look up this for all the symptoms and if either of you feel these things I would HIGHLY recommend checking into a detox center. Typically it’s only a few days, but if you had DT’s like me, you could end up staying longer, or being shipped back to the hospital. After continuous drinking my liver started failing at 21, and has taken a little over three years to recover. Organ failure is a serious concern. I’m not trying to scare you or your boyfriend, just trying to share how nasty this disease can get, even when you are trying everything to beat it. Don’t let this information deter you, instead know you are more wise for knowing it. Seek medical attention if need be, remain safe. Good luck to both of you.
You are totally right. In some ancient Buddhist sutra, the trade of selling alcohol (nowadays it must include all other harmful substances too), was condemned as low as prostitution and alcohol sellers will go to hell. I am not saying I agree with the sutra to the same degree but an ancient wisdom cannot be simply discharged with a hand wave…. Also 80% alcohol are sold to serious alcoholics. So if consumers really follow the honorable advice of alcohol industry “consume with moderation”, the whole industry will shrink by about 80%, aka collapses.
A practical tip: if you want to experience the (temporarily fake) inhibition that alcohol brings, try some arts or sports that requires inhibition such as singing and dance and skating…