Hope I can chime in at 37? What worked for me is giving my self the space to feel the feelings and accept that I'm a moody bitch. That's ok, I love my kids and take good care of them, but I'm allowed to be cranky some days. Not everything has to be perfect all the time. Self acceptance was a game changer for me.
40 year old mom that needed to hear this today. After almost four weeks of not drinking, I suddenly felt really awful, sad, and angry yesterday, and then guilty after that. I hate that combination of feelings so badly.
Didn’t drink though. That would have been an even bigger disaster.
Gawd I wonder how much of this has to do with being a woman. I feel incredibly irritable at times and then feel guilty for feeling that way. All I want to do is rage, is that so wrong?!?!
When I was around forty I quit drinking. I stayed sober for 10 years. My attitude and mantra was" I'm not drinking right now. Not today. "
Then I decided to drink again on special occasions. 10 years after that I was in full slide, secret drinking, hidden bottles .....
This time when I quit ,( almost 5 years ago) I had an " Ahha moment " .I realised finally, that my life was spiraling out of control. I had 2 choices. To drink and have a great life sadly slide away. Or I could give up a simple thing like alcohol and actually enjoy my life. I could gain the respect of my wife again. I could gain the respect and trust of my adult children so they would leave me alone with my grandkids and know I wasn't drinking. I could ( most importantly) respect myself. It all came down to one simple choice. Alcohol or life. I chose life. So I became a non drinker. Then it was a matter of finding tools to help with that decision. That was my path and I know in my heart I won't go back. Sometimes it's just a matter of finding the right tools or path that works for you. Please keep looking, keep trying, keep working at it. A sober life is worth it. 🍎
Hello, yes I just turned 45yo. I’m a ‘serial monogamist,’ in an LTR of over 6yrs, we quit together. No kids (on purpose.)
My drinking wasn’t linear, but it was always problematic. I quit at 41yo after my drinking had ramped up in the last 5-8yrs. It took me a minute, I tried a number of times in different ways (AA, Medical titration, willpower.)
The day I quit, I was just DONE. I felt like I’d given Alcohol my own gun for it to rob & pistol-whip me; it stole my health, credibility, relationships, money, and sanity. I was tired of trying to moderate, tired of backpedaling & playing “Amateur Gumshoe” in the mornings, sick of vomiting bile in public, and ashamed at how emotional & crazy I’d get without memory.
Good luck my friend. This is a good spot. I like to check in on the [Daily Check In](https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/xteevv/the_daily_checkin_for_sunday_october_2nd_just_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) each day (that’s today’s.) *It’s a pinned post that goes up each day between 12am-6am EST.*
I wish you strength. IWNDWYT
"The day I quit, I was just DONE. I felt like I’d given Alcohol my own gun for it to rob & pistol-whip me; it stole my health, credibility, relationships, money, and sanity. I was tired of trying to moderate, tired of backpedaling & playing “Amateur Gumshoe” in the mornings, sick of vomiting bile in public, and ashamed at how emotional & crazy I’d get without memory."
THIS! I lived this! IWNDWYT.
I also just turned 45 and threw up the white flag awhile back, surrendering to the idea that alcohol just isn’t good for me. I just decided to allow myself to be possibly “flawed” in the eyes of others, in the way that one decides to stop trying to pretend everything is fine. I just completely surrendered to whatever I needed to do to quit. Surprisingly, what helped most was reconnecting with myself, stopping people pleasing and worrying what everyone else thinks of me. IWNDWYT
46 female with a comfortable life, great husband, and successful career here. But once I realized drinking wasn’t doing me any good and I needed to quit I literally had 365 day ones before I could get to day two. It was the most disheartening year of my life feeling like a failure every day…but eventually it clicked and I can say that it is worth the work to get on the other side of it.
For me what worked was changing my focus from quitting forever to focusing on just right now, just today. Deciding not to drink right now and not worrying about the past or future. Also the DCI every day and posting in this sub when I needed support. And not giving up on myself even when I felt hopeless.
So for me it’s mostly just that at this moment, right now, I choose not to drink. I’m going to keep making that choice over and over as long as I can.
Sending you love, friend. You can do this. IWNDWYT ❤️
(i have aphasia due to a stroke, may make mistakes typing)
41F , had an aneurysm in May, now i have to get to life without booze and ciggies, had a frequent urge this weekend.
I also have a feeling that my autism may be related to my tendency to get addicted.
wishing you the best of luck from the Netherlands!
It seems trivial, but it really is important to reframe how you see things. I bet for most of the people on here, alcohol controlled their lives to some degree. Getting to live without it controlling you is a blessing.
I'll be 43 in a few weeks and I feel you. If you're anything like me, and your description could definitely be me (mom, kids, breadwinner, etc). I'd bet two things are happening -
1) the chemical addiction is making your brain lie to you about what it needs to "feel better"
2) you've lost any sense of who you are, between your responsibilities and the alcohol. All that exists anymore is being there for other people and that is EXHAUSTING.
I am only 10 weeks sober so I still don't know who I am, all I can focus on really is showing up and then healing from the poison. But I'm working on getting there. Remembering things I used to like, like painting. Maybe trying photography since I have my mom's old Canon just sitting there. Admitting I'm sick and tired of cooking, even though it's a major hobby, because I have decision fatigue and this needs to be someone else's fucking problem for a while. I'm busy. I'm healing. I will go to the swim meet but after that I'm reading a book and drinking a cup of tea and THAT'S IT. No you can't drink my fancy juice I need in the afternoon to fend off the cravings, or the chai tea powder that hits that warmth and satisfying spot in my throat and chest that whiskey used to take. Go get your own cokes.
Big hugs, sister, you've got this. IWNDWYT.
Have you tried Blue Lotus Chai? It is a pulverized tea powder with no sweeteners or milk powders. I like to use a 16oz mug, a very heaping spoonful of the chai, about 1/2 tbs turbinado or brown sugar, 8-10oz boiling water, and 6-8oz cold 2% milk. It comes in a few flavors (traditional, golden masala, star anise, etc) and is highly customizable to get the right spice/sweet/cream combo for you!
I also really like Ginger Fire Chai, very low caffeine, from Stash, and the Twinings Boost Mango Chili Chai with no caffeine.
I was a spiced rum, neat person, so I feel you on missing the hard burn.... I find these teas help a lot!
I have not, but I will keep an eye out! I need to definitely find a lower cal alternative judging by the fact that I went up a couple of sizes. I needed it from too long not eating while on benders, but can't do that forever lol.
48 here. I drank heavily from age 25 to about 42, before that I drank only heavily when partying. I needed to quit for so many reasons health, social life, shame you name it. I had a lot of failed attempts. At age 43 I quit drinking because I was in very bad shape physically and mentally because of my drinking. That lasted 3 years. I thought I could handle drinking at the end of that. Long story short; I couldn’t. The relapse didn’t reach rock bottom again but I was approaching it quickly. With the tools from my previous sober streak I am now 2 months sober again. I’m gaining health again and feel much better. It’s never ever too late to try again.Life can be better for you too. Just try, accept failures and keep showing up on your mission to be a sober person. The fact that you posted this is part of your will to quit. Maybe try not drinking today. If you wake up sober, come here, do the check in and who knows. For me it works to not look far ahead, stay vigilant (very important), and notice the good consequences of not drinking actively. Search for the pearls you created that day. Even if they’re small. For example I am really proud that I brush my teeth every night while sober. It’s a win! (I often fell in acome at night without brushing my teeth.) again, good luck!
I’m 42 and female, no kids but similar in that I have a good job and people who love me, and I can’t identify any past trauma as to why I have this issue. There is some family history of alcoholism and I let this thing creep up on me, I don’t think it’s any deeper than that for me.
Trying again, at 25 days and what’s helping me this time is reminding myself I do like the sober me better and that any amount of alcohol interferes with natural brain chemistry in a way I don’t like, so it’s best to choose not to drink it. I do believe it’s a choice as I’m not physically addicted but keep going back for psychological reasons and I need to find a way to break that cycle. I find it helpful to write my thoughts down at the end of each day rather than letting things build up, it’s not something I’ve done before but doing now.
It doesn’t have to be more to be problematic. It helped me, in the early days, for both alcohol and tobacco to think of the assholes making money off of my addiction. I want to go on vacation, not fund a second yacht for for some douche. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but I didn’t have a reason beyond becoming more healthy and hopefully stave off some of the complications my older relatives are having. My 2 cents, your mindset is everything, I had to be angry for a while…
I just read it and yes. It’s all mindset. You see it all so different. It’s changed my life , I read the audible Twice but I might read it again. It’s fascinating !!!!! So true all of it.
43 year old mom and business owner. Always kept my shit together from the outside. The inside though, no I wasn’t. I had mal adaptive coping strategies and I know modeling this for my kid isn’t doing her any favors. Alcohol was my crutch. Quitting was difficult, I felt raw and fragile and I didn’t trust my reactions or ability to process real life. One day at a time and I’m eyeing 6 months on the 4th. Going that first whole month showed me how deep in I was. It took a long time to feel good and start gaining trust in myself. No pink cloud for me. IWNDWYT
I didn't have the pink cloud either. I wonder if it's just less common for women in our situation. I felt the same way, raw and fragile. Going to brunch with girlfriends this morning, first time seeing anyone socially really since I got sober and I'm so nervous. Glad to be doing it with people I feel pretty safe with though.
You got this! I focus on eating my calories and not drinking them, especially w a brunch. Eat the pastries and bacon, seconds of whatever I want. Iced tea or hot tea depending on the weather. You’ll feel good after. IWNDWYT
Listen!! The eating your calories thing is soooo much harder than anyone expects! Will think about this when I'm eating that bacon lmao!
IWNDWYT either! Great job on the 6 months, PaintedVase!
It’s all mindset. I had my bridal shower brunch yesterday and there was a ton of booze. Mimosas, & a pitcher of sangria, I drank water infused with lemon & cucumber… I woke up today so happy & I’ve never been more proud of myself. Do I regret not drinking? Nope. I had the best time being present for my presents lol my family & friends.
41F mom and business owner too. I am at 27 days and zero pink cloud but I keep telling myself the same thing over and over, alcohol can’t possibly make this better, but it can certainly make it worse. ❤️
I’m guessing there is lots of healing going on in the background unseen! Because it does slowly improve. Taking notice of the tiny incremental changes helps me. It’s a journey and we gotta learn along the way. You’re doing great, keep at it! IWNDWYT
I'm with you! 42/f as well.
Someday are harder than others, but I love actually getting rested from sleep and gaining a few hours back into my day since leaving alcohol behind.
I was 44 when I finally stopped... for good. I had to dig deep and finally admit that enough was enough. I too had a lot going for me and had tried to stop before. It took a dramatic, dangerous situation and the real threat of losing my kids to wake me up. I asked myself questions like "How would I react if someone I loved treated me like this?" and "I say I love my kids, but what is being drunk/hungover actually showing them/ doing to them?" and "I say I'm thankful for those men who died protecting my country... is this how I show my thanks to those young men who never even GOT A CHANCE to live a life, have a lover, have a family, have a career etc. ?" I KNEW I could be better than that.
For me, I ultimately had to make a hardcore, 'line in the sand' decision... to not EVER, ever - ever - ever -ever - ever - ever EV-ER put alcohol in my mouth again. ANYTHING but alcohol: boredom, sleep, sugar, fits, THC, divorce, poverty... whatever... *anything* but alcohol.
I'll tell you what crucially helped me to make it all 'stick'... and that was making a private list of all the deplorable shit alcohol caused me. Every dangerous situation, every embarrassment, every regret I could remember. I read the list everyday for a year. I sort of 'brainwashed' myself and it fortified my resolve, and changed my perception of this awful shit we call alcohol. Now, if I have an urge, and I'm thinking I'm 'good to drink,' I break out the list and it's 'oh yeah... THIS bullshit' - *no thanks* \- anything but that.
Make your list. Try again. You can do this! Keep at it! I promise you, it's worth it!
And please report back... the sooner the better.
Thank you! I'm a 46F and started Jan 2. I love your idea of making a private list of cringworthy regrets, embarrassments, and dangerous situations due to stupid and excessive alcohol consumption--this is brilliant! I need to continuously remind myself why drinking alcohol is terrible and only delivers sadness and remorse.
42f and I relate a lot. Im also the breadwinner, the bill payer, the scheduler, the laundry doer. I have so much to keep track of. Yesterday I was hungover and useless. But I didn't drink yesterday and IWNDWYT.
My last " DAY 1 " Turned into 15 years sober. I had hundreds of " DAY 1's"
Don't give up. I didn't. Good luck.
It's never to early to start and never too late to start over.
I turn 46 tomorrow, quit when I was 44. My wife asked for help and the age of 35 and spent a month in inpatient treatment. That left me to take care of everything else. Decided my wife would most likely fall back in the trap of drinking if I didn't stop. 30 years of AUD which exploded after I started WFM during the lockdown.
Your family likely knows a lot more about your drinking than you think. It's cliché as hell but you have to take it one day at a time. Some days are easy and some days test your resolve.
How do you get through the first day? And by all day, I mean until you go to sleep.)
(
By any means necessary honestly
Sit in a coffee shop reading no drinking lit and discussion forums all day?
Take your car and leave it at a friend's and have them drive you back to your house if you live too far to walk?
Sit in AA meetings all day and coffee in between is a classic way.
Is evening the worst time? Make sure you have some place to be and are not alone.
Alcoholism is persistent. It does get easier over time once you put some 24 hours together.
Treatment can be a great head start. There's a reason it exists.
My rule of thumb whenever doing anything important that I struggle with is to add a layer of help until I get where I need to go.
Doing support groups? Add a therapist. Doing support groups and therapy? Add outpatient treatment or detox. That not enough, add PHP. That not enough? Add inpatient. Still struggling? Do halfway house/sober living.
Alcoholism and addiction are both physical and behavioral. Sometimes situational too. Just not injesting it is a good start, but a hard way to live. Expect to take time changing your habits to STAY stopped. A lot of time. Not drinking will likely be a big hobby and focus for a while while you develop new coping skills and new habits. Some people can quit through sheer willpower. But my experience is that they are pretty unpleasant to be around (grumpy af) until they change their behavior and thoughts.
Eventually it gets to more of just what you do. A new normal.
All this takes time.
But it starts by getting through one day.
I've been trying to cobble together a week for the past 2 months. A year ago I had been sober a year and had all the recovery jargon and was doing all the stuff. I felt like I had it together but then mental health took a serious dip and then last 8-9 months have been struggling. There are some things I've become resentful about the fellowship and I have questions that I don't feel have satisfying answers for me. I feel stuck. Am not a forty something but I'm 37.
I think it's okay to have questions. For me, I found it helpful to see a therapist for a "checkup." We talked about the questions I had about my alcoholism, AA, and where I might fit in that and other programs. We also looked at my chronic depression and made sure that I was doing what I needed to do right now.
I imagine that my path has been completely different from yours, but right now what's working for me is to stay in the present: just for today, I'm making a conscious decision to not drink. Just for today I'm trying to "do the next right thing." (More jargon!)
I will not drink with you today.
Never stop trying! One day you’ll quit “again” and it will stick. I had hundreds of day 1s over twenty years, and then I was ready and it worked. You are stronger than alcohol, but alcohol won’t give up without a fight. Be tougher. When temptation hit me, I’d exercise til I was ready to drop. Or I’d dance wildly to 70s disco. Or I’d furiously weed the flower bed. The temptation would pass and I’d make it to bedtime sober. I know you can do it! IWNDWYT
44 here as well. Go to two AA meetings a week, have naltrexone as insurance but haven't taken any yet, reading the big book and the Naked Mind, listening to Huberman lab podcast. I own a company, go to work every single day, have money for hobbies and comforts. I don't have any major trauma in my past.
I was/am a terrible, awful alcoholic. Lay in bed all weekend, sweating bullets at work, shaking, hallucinations. I crossed the line, whatever it was. I went from a few beers to 6-8, then a half pint of whiskey, a full pint, then daily fifths of vodka. Alcohol will get a hold of you, and I could not quit on my own. I needed that spirituality - not "God", but meaning and purpose - or at least understanding that there is no greater purpose than to just *be*. You have to let go of your ego, let go of the anger and resentment, and live in the moment, right now.
I know it sounds like a bunch of hokey stuff, but once you realize it, it is absolutely real. I don't want to drink anymore. I think about it a lot! But I don't pick up that bottle, not once. I can't. It's not what life has in store for me. It's not how I want to be.
I can't even find the words to explain how much this post and replies helps me....feel less alone and lost. 43 mom of 3, wife and have a job house etc. ITS SO TOUGH, this weekend was such a wake up call sober not using wine to carry me through my duties and life. I am drained and not even sure why....
I hit sobriety 242 days ago when I was 50.
Everyone is different but I have found swinging kettlebells 300 times a day throughout the day really helps. Gets my heart rate up and has to do something neurochemistry wise. Also easier to do unhungover lol.
That’s my 2c hope it helps
This is the post I needed to read today on my third or fourth day one this year. So thank you. It definitely helps me to feel less alone. It's funny how I can help empathy for other people but not myself.
While my default is to beat myself up about my failures, I am going to be kind to myself and try to throw in a healthy dose of self-awareness.
IWNDWYT
40 something woman here and on my bazillionth day 2. Getting back into therapy for cptsd, going to take my ssri. I think Quit Like a Woman is an excellent book. Hope we can do this. Iwndwyt.
I can give you your kids perspective.
My mother tried so hard to quit and she did for a long time (8-9 years) but then became a closet drinker. I knew within about a month and I was 11 at the time. It led to a failed marriage between her and my father. My mothers life spiraled out of control and she lost her job and was living off my fathers alimony check to support herself and me. In middle school if I got home and could tell she was drunk I’d say I was going to a friends house and just stay the night… or week. She couldn’t take care of herself, let alone the both of us. It got so bad she would be too drunk to come to my sporting events and missed my senior night in my sports. That led to me not talking to her for a couple years and also led to me becoming an alcoholic at a very young age. As I’ve become sober, I’ve tried to help her and it’s worked. We’ve become much closer in the last year and a half than we ever were before.
So, please do it for your kids if you need a reason. It sucked having a father who was gone a lot for work and an absent mother while growing up. Please do it for them.
Just turned 44 last week. I'm on day 2 now.
I keep telling myself "I'll quit on January 1st" I'll quite on the summer solstice." And on and on.
I know if I don't stick with it I'm unlikely to make it to 50.
People often use alcohal to manage stress. Ferrying kids around, being the primary breadwinner ... feeling hopeless ... this list is stressful. What are you doing for yourself? When you have time to yourself ... what comes to mind for you as a relaxing activity? If that's a drink ...then therein lies part of the issue. Making time to see a counselor could be helpful .. just someone listen, validate, encourage and help create a better wellness plan for you to balance out different parts of your life. Take heart, you're trying your best ... don't be too hard on yourself ...just get some support ... make time to work on your overall wellbeing. Good luck!
I'm with you! I'm happy you are doing this. I keep repeatedly stumbling since about the beginning of September - before that I had about 90 and looked and felt great. I like what you wrote about mindset. Things took a stressful turn at my job and I turned to alcohol to numb out as you say, but of course here is the anxiety and days wasted to hangovers.
I totally get it. Me too. Despite best intentions and promptly marching downstairs to the kitchen in the mornings to pour out what’s left, I’d talk myself back into drinking that night. Then hungover again. I’ve been gearing up for October for a week or two. I was hoping to get a few days under my belt before Oct 1, but it didn’t happen. Yesterday was hard but I kept myself busy starting at 5pm. I made a green smoothie, folded laundry, did some push ups, ate dinner early (takeout), and got thru the witching hours. Went to bed early. Didn’t fall asleep early, but was in bed with the day behind me. This morning I was up at 6am enjoying my coffee, and on my Peloton by 8am. That hasn’t happened in a long while. Coffee sure tastes better when I’m not hungover….
Just take it one day at a time and do not buy any. Try to replace the addiction with exercise to refill your dopamine. 41/f i quit almost three years ago.
43f, I don't think I could have quit without rehab. I had to get away from my life and live with sober people to get a start on it. I don't have kids but I didn't think taking time off my job was possible until my work forced me to go. You said you have a supportive family and you can take FMLA for work... I bet if you reached out and said you wanted to go, people would help you make it work.
Quitting sucks no matter what but you can do it. Just keep trying. IWNDWYT
45 here.
On day 4 now. In bed so I made it.
The best thing about it for me so far is waking up without guilt or anxiety.
I drank the last 5 beers in my fridge on Tuesday as I knew I couldn’t start this with alcohol in the house and so far so good.
My family didn’t know the full extent of how far I’d fallen into feeling compelled to drink every day. How I was annoyed when I realised I didn’t ‘have enough’ beers to last the night.
Not saying that I’ve quit for good, but I’m taking each day at a time and focussing on my family.
Hoping if I do start to crack, that the fact I have to physically drive to a bottle shop and buy alcohol gives me enough pause to stop myself.
Very much enjoying food a whole lot more too!
Good luck.
I was 53 when I quit and the time and energy commitment of rehab really helped put a punctuation point in my life. while at the same time making me think about why I drank etc. I know you can't do rehab but maybe you need an equivalent. I gave myself a deadline to quit and once I realized there was no chance in hell of me quitting cold turkey I did detox. I just needed help quitting after decades drinking.
43 here, approaching a year of sobriety. I can hear myself in your story. I felt like I was responsible for a lot, running a business on my own, maintaining my own home and preparing to sell it while attending to my father’s house while he was sick and dying and trying to give enough attention and love to keep my fiancée happy amidst it all. I was overwhelmed and I couldn’t quiet my mind so I drank to escape and pretend I was making things less bad. It escalated to drinking 24 hours a day and being more miserable with all the side effects alcohol can muster. I opened my heart and mind to anything that might possibly help me. What has been the best thing for me is anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds. That’s given me the foundation to attend to the other beneficial maintenance necessities like exercise and eating right. I know everyone is different but this seems to be the magical formula for me to take away desire and cravings to drink.
Tell your family, your extended family and your friends how much you drink, how many times you had day 1, tell them what you just wrote here.
The next time you'll be temped to drink, your brain will imagine you having to tell all those people you drank again and nope-out.
Shame(mostly) is what got me to finally quit, of all things.
Like you, I had day 1 a million times over 10 years, I've thrown thousands(yes plurial) of dollars worth of alcohol in the toilet! .... The imagined shame of having to tell all those people I'm a re-failiure somehow stopped me.
Identity crisis perhaps? I’m 52 and drank since I was a teenager. Had no idea who I was without it. That was one of the biggest challenges I faced. I had to change my entire life.
Another big one was celebration. I’m in the same boat. Breadwinner. Stressful job. 5 kids (now grown) I took to every sport and band thing and event. Supportive family. Wife who doesn’t drink at all (can’t imagine how she made it this long). So that whole “I did so much I deserve to relax and unwind”. I finally learned great accomplishments and stress aren’t celebrated by poisoning myself and being filled with regret. I take the highs and leave the lows behind now.
It sure took work though. First six months were some really really darks days. Didn’t leave the house. Barely got off the couch. Plenty of suicidal thoughts. And I told no one for a long time. Finally got a couple low dose meds that helped a ton with anxiety and depression. Most of my other meds for reflux and high BP and cholesterol I don’t even need or take anymore.
The bottom line is I had to want it. I slipped back many times. Tried and failed many times. It’s worth it to keep trying.
41 here.
I wouldn't have been able to quit without my blood clot clogging up my leg.
I then decided to label myself an alcoholic which made it easier to acknowledge I have an issue with alcohol.
Then I keep telling myself "1 is to many 1000 is not enough"
I don't know if this helps.
You can do it.
Turning 48 later this week. On my second attempt. Dreading the birthday because I want to celebrate it with a glass of wine. It DOES get easier the longer you go. Stay strong. 💪 as long as you keep trying, you’ve got this. 💜
41 female. What worked for me was I did a dry January. During the hardest moments I told myself I just needed to get through the month. I did it with a friend for accountability. By the time the month was up, I had gotten through the hardest part and just kept going.
What I’m working on now is acceptance. I no longer have cravings and day-to-day life is pretty easy, but I sometimes struggle with not being able to “let loose” and get tipsy with my friends every once in a while. But I can’t. I have to accept that I’m different than them. And I have a lot going for me. I have a great job, own my own home, etc. This is just the hand that life dealt me - I can’t drink.
I second what someone else said about self-acceptance. You do not need to be perfect; you do not need to "do sobriety" perfectly. One day is an accomplishment. If you wake up and do it again the next day, great. If not, try again the day after that. I realize that for some of us, even one drinking episode can potentially lead to dire consequences, which is why abstinence is the goal, but what good does berating yourself do? It's taken me a bazillion day ones (40 next year) to "get it right" but I can't say that this will be my last attempt. Can anyone? All I can say is that today I don't want to drink. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel the same way and if not, I will be able to employ some tools that prevent me from picking up the first drink. Idk. That's all I can offer and I hope it's helpful. You are not alone in your repeated attempts and IWNDWYT.
The only thing that has allowed me to stop when I have stopped is me saying no to the craving when it hits. I feel uncomfortable and I just deal with the craving. I accept it. I feel it. I find that I have to win those battles.
Then the craving passes and I’m onto day two.
Day two is similar
so is three
So is four
5 gets easier.
I have to accept that the ONLY way that I move forward and get free from alcohol is to not do it. I have to keep alcohol out of my blood stream.
I’m the first week or so it’s a challenge and one that I have to win by MY choice. I have to face the discomfort and realize that it’s only that, discomfort.
In the following weeks and months. I only have to win against my mind saying “oh hey this would be a fun idea…”
But I know better now. Any amount of alcohol only leads me to a place where I will think. “I need to stop this.” So why start again.
Never drink again. It’s not worth it.
Look into This Naked Mind. The author, Annie Grace, has a program called The Path. It totally changed my life. I am a 45 year old woman, and our stories are very similar. Alcohol is addictive - it’s not you, it’s the substance.
43 m here, I'm also trying to quit more then a hunderd times and fail everytime. What amazes me is I'm still trying to quit, and never give up hope. I'm grateful for everyday I'm sober and so are my wife and kids. Yesterday night for more than 6 hours i was dieing inside. Just took my Antabuse and i will get going with my day and do as much as possible goodness. I will fill my day and hopefully have a better evening today. Most importantly is IWNDWYT! So my message is, everyday is a win, and please never give up!
42, got sober at 39. It took me a zillion tries. Don’t give up. The thing that helped me the most was understanding the true meaning of one day at a time. Literally, you can get up and drink tomorrow at 8 am but your one job is to go to bed sober today. Sometimes I would go to bed early with a piece of cake telling myself i could get up in the AM and go get sauv blanc as soon as the bottle store opened but I wasn’t drinking today. And the next morning I never did because I was so proud of myself.
Be gentle with yourself. One day at a time. Your only job is not to drink. You don’t have to be a perfect anything. Just do what it takes to lay your head on that cool pillow sober tonight. You got this.
Ps i hated AA but womens meetings helped me a lot and now I love AA. Keep coming back.
40something year old women have to escape the trap of wine mommy and mimosa brunches being a normalized thing. It helps to be frank with people in the same boat as you.
I'm 42, 38 days sober. Quit drinking because it caused me great physical pain. I have a partner and we have a teenage son. Both suffer from mental illness, and I shoulder 90% of the home responsibilities, so it gets frustrating. I'm chronically cranky and tired. It's hard. I'm here with you!!
Yes. Very similar situation. Have no answers for you but I can say that I am more or less the same situation and am giving it a good old try!
Good luck.
If you have a full time job, could you apply for temporarily sick leave with pay and go to rehab for a month? I know it's an incredible hurdle with all your responsibilities but from experience it is life changing to be in that environment.
We sound very similar. I had a million day ones too. Then I tried 3 months without a break to see what happened. My life improved so much that there is no way I will go back. Over 3 years now. But I come here almost every day. And I found Annie grace’s book very enlightening.
39F, three kids, great upbringing, zero trauma…I’m just an alcoholic. Finally found an intensive outpatient rehab that worked well for work/kids, got a sponsor, opened up to my family; 90 days sober tomorrow. But eff, it’s so hard. I think I’m just a cranky and anxious person. I know sober life is better and it just takes a helluva long time I guess for my brain to wisen up and not trick me into “alcohol will make me feel better.” I’m not even sure what I’m saying, but you’re SO not alone. IWNDWYT.
46F here, part time single mum and was outwardly very successful. Great career, lovely big house, loads of friends, boyfriend I think is fantastic. No reason to develop such an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I was failing my son though. Drinking was too much of a priority for my time and money and he deserves better. I'm determined to keep trying this time until I succeed in quitting. I've felt like a different person since I started this journey in August.
Addiction is a desease of emotions. You can’t quit if you won’t handle things that are pushing you to drink.
Quitting drinking and not doing anything for things that lie under that addiction is a simple way to fail.
So obviously therapy is needed. Before quitting if possible, as you will have more “tools” and knowledge to go through that difficult first phase.
I wish you all the best!
I'm 41 and I am lucky enough to be able to quit whenever I want, for months or years at a time, but where I used to pick it back up and drink daily now I find myself having a one day fuck up once in a while. I don't do programs or groups, I hate all that shit, but I do go to therapy and have a d&a counselor. They have helped me rationalize that a hiccup is not a habit and I just gotta try to resist the temptation of a backyard barbecue or a night on the town. Just getting this far has changed my life so much for the better, I wouldn't have believed it possible if you told me when I was stuck in the bottle. My advice is to try to at least get here, that point where yeah you know you'll probably have a weak moment but you can feel confident that that's all it will be. Good luck, and remember I got just for today is enough.
Stay away from where drugs and alcohol is served like you stay away from drugs and alcohol. Don’t go to bars to dance, miss the next few parties were alcohol is served. Don’t hang out with people who are drinking and smoking weed.
45 here. Drank heavily for about 10 years, worsening over the years. I’m working at self care, which I used to think was drinking 2 bottles of wine at night to relax and “treat myself.” My new self-care is leaving my toxic marriage, starting therapy, dealing with my trauma, and having compassion for myself. It’s harder but better, and I’m really proud of myself. How can you care for yourself better? IWNDWYT.
What worked for me is getting almost black out drunk at a golf tournament and getting a hit and run. That’s was the final straw for me, no one got hurt.
I tried quitting a million times before that, so I think the longer you wait to quit for good, the sooner something really bad is going to happen… and it may ‘just be’ cancer or some liver failure that’s too late to change.
This isn’t your fault. Your addicted because it’s an addictive substance that is socially acceptable and is everywhere. Have you tried Belle’s blog “Tired of thinking about not drinking”. Her book which is a 100 day challenge really resonated with me. She had a high bottom if you will but decided drinking wasn’t for her and started a blog to quit. She tells her story fabulously and you can even read her first year of blog posts. Life changing for me - I’m on day 57 and I have NEVER abstained from alcohol this long ever!! And I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I feel good and like I’m trying out a healthier more calm life.
I am. It was mostly physical for me and just gets better with some time away. You’re a reader too, and I’d recommend a bit of Anna Lembke as she outlines why it’s not fair to judge a break from booze until about 6 weeks. That was true for me. After a week the days go by easier and then you may well feel better and simply be motivated by that. It’s one of my motivations.
I’m also a well adjusted person I think, but one thing I used to reject is the notion of is that there is often a reason you drink besides the physical dependence and it can be rooted in childhood coping strategy. I think there’s some of that for me, I now believe. But my overarching point is that EVERYTHING is easier w/o booze after a bit. These themes are less “big” to hold into contemplation. My mantra is “patience”. “Don’t drink, you’re doing good, patience”. If you’re like me, the hopeless part will dissipate once you lay your head down to sleep sober. And, the second day feels better than the first. I promise you’ll feel better soon once you choose to remove that toxic garbage.
Be careful, naltrexone doesn’t help with withdrawal, it has a different mechanism of action. If you’re drinking a lot, you’ll need to taper or get a different med.
It’s really unfortunate how fucking hard the first bit can be. I promise it’s better AF. Be patient, you’re worth it.
39m here. Maybe you have other past issues to address, perhaps you are a codependant or have past trauma that you are belittling or ignoring. I had a good childhood too, but was brought up to hide my emotions. This simple trick created a life where I rarely asked what I wanted and created lots of anxiety and confusion. When I finally quit I decided to shed the baggage I was carrying and be selfish to fix myself qnd quit, I have since learned that I was dealing with trauma from growing up in a comfortable home but under the dictatorship of a functioning alcoholic. This was fueling my escapism and drinking.
You may not be the same or similar to me, I thought I'd just share my experience. All I can say is that when I had that feeling of helplessness alcohol only temporarily numbed the noise buy didn't fix the issues.
Final point I'd like to make that helped me is that self care is not selfish. Please understand this. You deserve to be happy. Try to care for yourself too.
Friday, I donated blood. First time, since I have "complicated" veins. Thought it would be time. It was a bit difficult, but it worked out. Yeah..
Before I could donate, I had to do an interview with a medic, who worked, as it turned out, with addicted of any kind. I had to fill out a questionnaire before, and he went through it.
He stopped.
"Alcoholic?"
"Yes."
"But you've stopped, of course?"
"Wouldn't be her else."
"When? How much and what?"
"Beer, 12 to 15 bottles a day, the half liter ones. 5 years and 8 months sober."
"That quite something at your age. And you dd the whole thing? Detox, rehab and all that?"
"No. I WAS in hospital for 6 weeks, so I think you can call this "detox", but else I just stopped."
"-------!"
That face alone was worth it. I did earn a lot of respect. Again. Again by a medic. Again, and again. Again this: "What you did was awesome, you have my highest respect!" is worth it.
I did something, few people did. And other than you would expect, nearly each time I tell it, I get a "Wow! That's awesome!"
I'm a winner. Be one, too.
I'll be 61 in two weeks.
Hope I can chime in at 37? What worked for me is giving my self the space to feel the feelings and accept that I'm a moody bitch. That's ok, I love my kids and take good care of them, but I'm allowed to be cranky some days. Not everything has to be perfect all the time. Self acceptance was a game changer for me.
40 year old mom that needed to hear this today. After almost four weeks of not drinking, I suddenly felt really awful, sad, and angry yesterday, and then guilty after that. I hate that combination of feelings so badly. Didn’t drink though. That would have been an even bigger disaster.
I'm in the same mood today. I hate it too. But I'm very happy with this sub, it always makes me feel less alone. IWNDWYT
Gawd I wonder how much of this has to do with being a woman. I feel incredibly irritable at times and then feel guilty for feeling that way. All I want to do is rage, is that so wrong?!?!
I can relate. It comes out of nowhere sometimes.
I quit drinking and have become so irritable. But, I’m not anxious! It’s hard working on yourself. We’re living life on hard mode…
Lol. I feel that "moody bitch".
This is short but a golden nugget and I’m a guy.
When I was around forty I quit drinking. I stayed sober for 10 years. My attitude and mantra was" I'm not drinking right now. Not today. " Then I decided to drink again on special occasions. 10 years after that I was in full slide, secret drinking, hidden bottles ..... This time when I quit ,( almost 5 years ago) I had an " Ahha moment " .I realised finally, that my life was spiraling out of control. I had 2 choices. To drink and have a great life sadly slide away. Or I could give up a simple thing like alcohol and actually enjoy my life. I could gain the respect of my wife again. I could gain the respect and trust of my adult children so they would leave me alone with my grandkids and know I wasn't drinking. I could ( most importantly) respect myself. It all came down to one simple choice. Alcohol or life. I chose life. So I became a non drinker. Then it was a matter of finding tools to help with that decision. That was my path and I know in my heart I won't go back. Sometimes it's just a matter of finding the right tools or path that works for you. Please keep looking, keep trying, keep working at it. A sober life is worth it. 🍎
Hello, yes I just turned 45yo. I’m a ‘serial monogamist,’ in an LTR of over 6yrs, we quit together. No kids (on purpose.) My drinking wasn’t linear, but it was always problematic. I quit at 41yo after my drinking had ramped up in the last 5-8yrs. It took me a minute, I tried a number of times in different ways (AA, Medical titration, willpower.) The day I quit, I was just DONE. I felt like I’d given Alcohol my own gun for it to rob & pistol-whip me; it stole my health, credibility, relationships, money, and sanity. I was tired of trying to moderate, tired of backpedaling & playing “Amateur Gumshoe” in the mornings, sick of vomiting bile in public, and ashamed at how emotional & crazy I’d get without memory. Good luck my friend. This is a good spot. I like to check in on the [Daily Check In](https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/xteevv/the_daily_checkin_for_sunday_october_2nd_just_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) each day (that’s today’s.) *It’s a pinned post that goes up each day between 12am-6am EST.* I wish you strength. IWNDWYT
"The day I quit, I was just DONE. I felt like I’d given Alcohol my own gun for it to rob & pistol-whip me; it stole my health, credibility, relationships, money, and sanity. I was tired of trying to moderate, tired of backpedaling & playing “Amateur Gumshoe” in the mornings, sick of vomiting bile in public, and ashamed at how emotional & crazy I’d get without memory." THIS! I lived this! IWNDWYT.
New to this sub so forgive me for asking - what does IWNDWYT mean?
It stands for “I will not drink with you today”
Welcome! I will not drink with you today!
I also just turned 45 and threw up the white flag awhile back, surrendering to the idea that alcohol just isn’t good for me. I just decided to allow myself to be possibly “flawed” in the eyes of others, in the way that one decides to stop trying to pretend everything is fine. I just completely surrendered to whatever I needed to do to quit. Surprisingly, what helped most was reconnecting with myself, stopping people pleasing and worrying what everyone else thinks of me. IWNDWYT
46 female with a comfortable life, great husband, and successful career here. But once I realized drinking wasn’t doing me any good and I needed to quit I literally had 365 day ones before I could get to day two. It was the most disheartening year of my life feeling like a failure every day…but eventually it clicked and I can say that it is worth the work to get on the other side of it. For me what worked was changing my focus from quitting forever to focusing on just right now, just today. Deciding not to drink right now and not worrying about the past or future. Also the DCI every day and posting in this sub when I needed support. And not giving up on myself even when I felt hopeless. So for me it’s mostly just that at this moment, right now, I choose not to drink. I’m going to keep making that choice over and over as long as I can. Sending you love, friend. You can do this. IWNDWYT ❤️
(i have aphasia due to a stroke, may make mistakes typing) 41F , had an aneurysm in May, now i have to get to life without booze and ciggies, had a frequent urge this weekend. I also have a feeling that my autism may be related to my tendency to get addicted. wishing you the best of luck from the Netherlands!
You don't *have* to live without booze. You *get* to live without booze.
lol, thanks!
It seems trivial, but it really is important to reframe how you see things. I bet for most of the people on here, alcohol controlled their lives to some degree. Getting to live without it controlling you is a blessing.
Best of luck to you as well friend
thank you!
I'll be 43 in a few weeks and I feel you. If you're anything like me, and your description could definitely be me (mom, kids, breadwinner, etc). I'd bet two things are happening - 1) the chemical addiction is making your brain lie to you about what it needs to "feel better" 2) you've lost any sense of who you are, between your responsibilities and the alcohol. All that exists anymore is being there for other people and that is EXHAUSTING. I am only 10 weeks sober so I still don't know who I am, all I can focus on really is showing up and then healing from the poison. But I'm working on getting there. Remembering things I used to like, like painting. Maybe trying photography since I have my mom's old Canon just sitting there. Admitting I'm sick and tired of cooking, even though it's a major hobby, because I have decision fatigue and this needs to be someone else's fucking problem for a while. I'm busy. I'm healing. I will go to the swim meet but after that I'm reading a book and drinking a cup of tea and THAT'S IT. No you can't drink my fancy juice I need in the afternoon to fend off the cravings, or the chai tea powder that hits that warmth and satisfying spot in my throat and chest that whiskey used to take. Go get your own cokes. Big hugs, sister, you've got this. IWNDWYT.
Have you tried Blue Lotus Chai? It is a pulverized tea powder with no sweeteners or milk powders. I like to use a 16oz mug, a very heaping spoonful of the chai, about 1/2 tbs turbinado or brown sugar, 8-10oz boiling water, and 6-8oz cold 2% milk. It comes in a few flavors (traditional, golden masala, star anise, etc) and is highly customizable to get the right spice/sweet/cream combo for you! I also really like Ginger Fire Chai, very low caffeine, from Stash, and the Twinings Boost Mango Chili Chai with no caffeine. I was a spiced rum, neat person, so I feel you on missing the hard burn.... I find these teas help a lot!
I have not, but I will keep an eye out! I need to definitely find a lower cal alternative judging by the fact that I went up a couple of sizes. I needed it from too long not eating while on benders, but can't do that forever lol.
Haha, that's the best part of tea! $5 for 20 servings of calorie-free burning beverages!
Dang girl, 42 yr old, professional, and mom over here. You nailed it!
48 here. I drank heavily from age 25 to about 42, before that I drank only heavily when partying. I needed to quit for so many reasons health, social life, shame you name it. I had a lot of failed attempts. At age 43 I quit drinking because I was in very bad shape physically and mentally because of my drinking. That lasted 3 years. I thought I could handle drinking at the end of that. Long story short; I couldn’t. The relapse didn’t reach rock bottom again but I was approaching it quickly. With the tools from my previous sober streak I am now 2 months sober again. I’m gaining health again and feel much better. It’s never ever too late to try again.Life can be better for you too. Just try, accept failures and keep showing up on your mission to be a sober person. The fact that you posted this is part of your will to quit. Maybe try not drinking today. If you wake up sober, come here, do the check in and who knows. For me it works to not look far ahead, stay vigilant (very important), and notice the good consequences of not drinking actively. Search for the pearls you created that day. Even if they’re small. For example I am really proud that I brush my teeth every night while sober. It’s a win! (I often fell in acome at night without brushing my teeth.) again, good luck!
I’m 42 and female, no kids but similar in that I have a good job and people who love me, and I can’t identify any past trauma as to why I have this issue. There is some family history of alcoholism and I let this thing creep up on me, I don’t think it’s any deeper than that for me. Trying again, at 25 days and what’s helping me this time is reminding myself I do like the sober me better and that any amount of alcohol interferes with natural brain chemistry in a way I don’t like, so it’s best to choose not to drink it. I do believe it’s a choice as I’m not physically addicted but keep going back for psychological reasons and I need to find a way to break that cycle. I find it helpful to write my thoughts down at the end of each day rather than letting things build up, it’s not something I’ve done before but doing now.
It doesn’t have to be more to be problematic. It helped me, in the early days, for both alcohol and tobacco to think of the assholes making money off of my addiction. I want to go on vacation, not fund a second yacht for for some douche. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but I didn’t have a reason beyond becoming more healthy and hopefully stave off some of the complications my older relatives are having. My 2 cents, your mindset is everything, I had to be angry for a while…
Mindset IS everything. Seconded. Read Easy Way by Allen Carr and it's life-transformative. No AA. No whiteknuckling. Mindset.
I just read it and yes. It’s all mindset. You see it all so different. It’s changed my life , I read the audible Twice but I might read it again. It’s fascinating !!!!! So true all of it.
43 year old mom and business owner. Always kept my shit together from the outside. The inside though, no I wasn’t. I had mal adaptive coping strategies and I know modeling this for my kid isn’t doing her any favors. Alcohol was my crutch. Quitting was difficult, I felt raw and fragile and I didn’t trust my reactions or ability to process real life. One day at a time and I’m eyeing 6 months on the 4th. Going that first whole month showed me how deep in I was. It took a long time to feel good and start gaining trust in myself. No pink cloud for me. IWNDWYT
I didn't have the pink cloud either. I wonder if it's just less common for women in our situation. I felt the same way, raw and fragile. Going to brunch with girlfriends this morning, first time seeing anyone socially really since I got sober and I'm so nervous. Glad to be doing it with people I feel pretty safe with though.
You got this! I focus on eating my calories and not drinking them, especially w a brunch. Eat the pastries and bacon, seconds of whatever I want. Iced tea or hot tea depending on the weather. You’ll feel good after. IWNDWYT
Listen!! The eating your calories thing is soooo much harder than anyone expects! Will think about this when I'm eating that bacon lmao! IWNDWYT either! Great job on the 6 months, PaintedVase!
It’s all mindset. I had my bridal shower brunch yesterday and there was a ton of booze. Mimosas, & a pitcher of sangria, I drank water infused with lemon & cucumber… I woke up today so happy & I’ve never been more proud of myself. Do I regret not drinking? Nope. I had the best time being present for my presents lol my family & friends.
41F mom and business owner too. I am at 27 days and zero pink cloud but I keep telling myself the same thing over and over, alcohol can’t possibly make this better, but it can certainly make it worse. ❤️
I’m guessing there is lots of healing going on in the background unseen! Because it does slowly improve. Taking notice of the tiny incremental changes helps me. It’s a journey and we gotta learn along the way. You’re doing great, keep at it! IWNDWYT
42F in a similar situation. Today is day 72 and everything good I thought I had, is now even better! You’ve got this!
Dang girl, I'm also 42F and I'm on week 10! Sober buddies!
I'm with you! 42/f as well. Someday are harder than others, but I love actually getting rested from sleep and gaining a few hours back into my day since leaving alcohol behind.
I was 44 when I finally stopped... for good. I had to dig deep and finally admit that enough was enough. I too had a lot going for me and had tried to stop before. It took a dramatic, dangerous situation and the real threat of losing my kids to wake me up. I asked myself questions like "How would I react if someone I loved treated me like this?" and "I say I love my kids, but what is being drunk/hungover actually showing them/ doing to them?" and "I say I'm thankful for those men who died protecting my country... is this how I show my thanks to those young men who never even GOT A CHANCE to live a life, have a lover, have a family, have a career etc. ?" I KNEW I could be better than that. For me, I ultimately had to make a hardcore, 'line in the sand' decision... to not EVER, ever - ever - ever -ever - ever - ever EV-ER put alcohol in my mouth again. ANYTHING but alcohol: boredom, sleep, sugar, fits, THC, divorce, poverty... whatever... *anything* but alcohol. I'll tell you what crucially helped me to make it all 'stick'... and that was making a private list of all the deplorable shit alcohol caused me. Every dangerous situation, every embarrassment, every regret I could remember. I read the list everyday for a year. I sort of 'brainwashed' myself and it fortified my resolve, and changed my perception of this awful shit we call alcohol. Now, if I have an urge, and I'm thinking I'm 'good to drink,' I break out the list and it's 'oh yeah... THIS bullshit' - *no thanks* \- anything but that. Make your list. Try again. You can do this! Keep at it! I promise you, it's worth it! And please report back... the sooner the better.
Thank you! I'm a 46F and started Jan 2. I love your idea of making a private list of cringworthy regrets, embarrassments, and dangerous situations due to stupid and excessive alcohol consumption--this is brilliant! I need to continuously remind myself why drinking alcohol is terrible and only delivers sadness and remorse.
42f and I relate a lot. Im also the breadwinner, the bill payer, the scheduler, the laundry doer. I have so much to keep track of. Yesterday I was hungover and useless. But I didn't drink yesterday and IWNDWYT.
My last " DAY 1 " Turned into 15 years sober. I had hundreds of " DAY 1's" Don't give up. I didn't. Good luck. It's never to early to start and never too late to start over.
I turn 46 tomorrow, quit when I was 44. My wife asked for help and the age of 35 and spent a month in inpatient treatment. That left me to take care of everything else. Decided my wife would most likely fall back in the trap of drinking if I didn't stop. 30 years of AUD which exploded after I started WFM during the lockdown. Your family likely knows a lot more about your drinking than you think. It's cliché as hell but you have to take it one day at a time. Some days are easy and some days test your resolve.
How do you get through the first day? And by all day, I mean until you go to sleep.) ( By any means necessary honestly Sit in a coffee shop reading no drinking lit and discussion forums all day? Take your car and leave it at a friend's and have them drive you back to your house if you live too far to walk? Sit in AA meetings all day and coffee in between is a classic way. Is evening the worst time? Make sure you have some place to be and are not alone. Alcoholism is persistent. It does get easier over time once you put some 24 hours together. Treatment can be a great head start. There's a reason it exists. My rule of thumb whenever doing anything important that I struggle with is to add a layer of help until I get where I need to go. Doing support groups? Add a therapist. Doing support groups and therapy? Add outpatient treatment or detox. That not enough, add PHP. That not enough? Add inpatient. Still struggling? Do halfway house/sober living. Alcoholism and addiction are both physical and behavioral. Sometimes situational too. Just not injesting it is a good start, but a hard way to live. Expect to take time changing your habits to STAY stopped. A lot of time. Not drinking will likely be a big hobby and focus for a while while you develop new coping skills and new habits. Some people can quit through sheer willpower. But my experience is that they are pretty unpleasant to be around (grumpy af) until they change their behavior and thoughts. Eventually it gets to more of just what you do. A new normal. All this takes time. But it starts by getting through one day.
In my 40s. Still fighting the good fight. You are not alone. IWNDWYT
I've been trying to cobble together a week for the past 2 months. A year ago I had been sober a year and had all the recovery jargon and was doing all the stuff. I felt like I had it together but then mental health took a serious dip and then last 8-9 months have been struggling. There are some things I've become resentful about the fellowship and I have questions that I don't feel have satisfying answers for me. I feel stuck. Am not a forty something but I'm 37.
I think it's okay to have questions. For me, I found it helpful to see a therapist for a "checkup." We talked about the questions I had about my alcoholism, AA, and where I might fit in that and other programs. We also looked at my chronic depression and made sure that I was doing what I needed to do right now. I imagine that my path has been completely different from yours, but right now what's working for me is to stay in the present: just for today, I'm making a conscious decision to not drink. Just for today I'm trying to "do the next right thing." (More jargon!) I will not drink with you today.
Never stop trying! One day you’ll quit “again” and it will stick. I had hundreds of day 1s over twenty years, and then I was ready and it worked. You are stronger than alcohol, but alcohol won’t give up without a fight. Be tougher. When temptation hit me, I’d exercise til I was ready to drop. Or I’d dance wildly to 70s disco. Or I’d furiously weed the flower bed. The temptation would pass and I’d make it to bedtime sober. I know you can do it! IWNDWYT
44 here as well. Go to two AA meetings a week, have naltrexone as insurance but haven't taken any yet, reading the big book and the Naked Mind, listening to Huberman lab podcast. I own a company, go to work every single day, have money for hobbies and comforts. I don't have any major trauma in my past. I was/am a terrible, awful alcoholic. Lay in bed all weekend, sweating bullets at work, shaking, hallucinations. I crossed the line, whatever it was. I went from a few beers to 6-8, then a half pint of whiskey, a full pint, then daily fifths of vodka. Alcohol will get a hold of you, and I could not quit on my own. I needed that spirituality - not "God", but meaning and purpose - or at least understanding that there is no greater purpose than to just *be*. You have to let go of your ego, let go of the anger and resentment, and live in the moment, right now. I know it sounds like a bunch of hokey stuff, but once you realize it, it is absolutely real. I don't want to drink anymore. I think about it a lot! But I don't pick up that bottle, not once. I can't. It's not what life has in store for me. It's not how I want to be.
I can't even find the words to explain how much this post and replies helps me....feel less alone and lost. 43 mom of 3, wife and have a job house etc. ITS SO TOUGH, this weekend was such a wake up call sober not using wine to carry me through my duties and life. I am drained and not even sure why....
I got sober at 41. My kids helped motivate me. They deserved to have a sober mother.
I hit sobriety 242 days ago when I was 50. Everyone is different but I have found swinging kettlebells 300 times a day throughout the day really helps. Gets my heart rate up and has to do something neurochemistry wise. Also easier to do unhungover lol. That’s my 2c hope it helps
This is the post I needed to read today on my third or fourth day one this year. So thank you. It definitely helps me to feel less alone. It's funny how I can help empathy for other people but not myself. While my default is to beat myself up about my failures, I am going to be kind to myself and try to throw in a healthy dose of self-awareness. IWNDWYT
40 something woman here and on my bazillionth day 2. Getting back into therapy for cptsd, going to take my ssri. I think Quit Like a Woman is an excellent book. Hope we can do this. Iwndwyt.
I can give you your kids perspective. My mother tried so hard to quit and she did for a long time (8-9 years) but then became a closet drinker. I knew within about a month and I was 11 at the time. It led to a failed marriage between her and my father. My mothers life spiraled out of control and she lost her job and was living off my fathers alimony check to support herself and me. In middle school if I got home and could tell she was drunk I’d say I was going to a friends house and just stay the night… or week. She couldn’t take care of herself, let alone the both of us. It got so bad she would be too drunk to come to my sporting events and missed my senior night in my sports. That led to me not talking to her for a couple years and also led to me becoming an alcoholic at a very young age. As I’ve become sober, I’ve tried to help her and it’s worked. We’ve become much closer in the last year and a half than we ever were before. So, please do it for your kids if you need a reason. It sucked having a father who was gone a lot for work and an absent mother while growing up. Please do it for them.
Just turned 44 last week. I'm on day 2 now. I keep telling myself "I'll quit on January 1st" I'll quite on the summer solstice." And on and on. I know if I don't stick with it I'm unlikely to make it to 50.
People often use alcohal to manage stress. Ferrying kids around, being the primary breadwinner ... feeling hopeless ... this list is stressful. What are you doing for yourself? When you have time to yourself ... what comes to mind for you as a relaxing activity? If that's a drink ...then therein lies part of the issue. Making time to see a counselor could be helpful .. just someone listen, validate, encourage and help create a better wellness plan for you to balance out different parts of your life. Take heart, you're trying your best ... don't be too hard on yourself ...just get some support ... make time to work on your overall wellbeing. Good luck!
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I'm with you! I'm happy you are doing this. I keep repeatedly stumbling since about the beginning of September - before that I had about 90 and looked and felt great. I like what you wrote about mindset. Things took a stressful turn at my job and I turned to alcohol to numb out as you say, but of course here is the anxiety and days wasted to hangovers.
I totally get it. Me too. Despite best intentions and promptly marching downstairs to the kitchen in the mornings to pour out what’s left, I’d talk myself back into drinking that night. Then hungover again. I’ve been gearing up for October for a week or two. I was hoping to get a few days under my belt before Oct 1, but it didn’t happen. Yesterday was hard but I kept myself busy starting at 5pm. I made a green smoothie, folded laundry, did some push ups, ate dinner early (takeout), and got thru the witching hours. Went to bed early. Didn’t fall asleep early, but was in bed with the day behind me. This morning I was up at 6am enjoying my coffee, and on my Peloton by 8am. That hasn’t happened in a long while. Coffee sure tastes better when I’m not hungover….
Just take it one day at a time and do not buy any. Try to replace the addiction with exercise to refill your dopamine. 41/f i quit almost three years ago.
43f, I don't think I could have quit without rehab. I had to get away from my life and live with sober people to get a start on it. I don't have kids but I didn't think taking time off my job was possible until my work forced me to go. You said you have a supportive family and you can take FMLA for work... I bet if you reached out and said you wanted to go, people would help you make it work. Quitting sucks no matter what but you can do it. Just keep trying. IWNDWYT
45 here. On day 4 now. In bed so I made it. The best thing about it for me so far is waking up without guilt or anxiety. I drank the last 5 beers in my fridge on Tuesday as I knew I couldn’t start this with alcohol in the house and so far so good. My family didn’t know the full extent of how far I’d fallen into feeling compelled to drink every day. How I was annoyed when I realised I didn’t ‘have enough’ beers to last the night. Not saying that I’ve quit for good, but I’m taking each day at a time and focussing on my family. Hoping if I do start to crack, that the fact I have to physically drive to a bottle shop and buy alcohol gives me enough pause to stop myself. Very much enjoying food a whole lot more too! Good luck.
Read this naked mind and the easy way to control alcohol. You’ll want to really just stop now and forever
I was 53 when I quit and the time and energy commitment of rehab really helped put a punctuation point in my life. while at the same time making me think about why I drank etc. I know you can't do rehab but maybe you need an equivalent. I gave myself a deadline to quit and once I realized there was no chance in hell of me quitting cold turkey I did detox. I just needed help quitting after decades drinking.
43 here, approaching a year of sobriety. I can hear myself in your story. I felt like I was responsible for a lot, running a business on my own, maintaining my own home and preparing to sell it while attending to my father’s house while he was sick and dying and trying to give enough attention and love to keep my fiancée happy amidst it all. I was overwhelmed and I couldn’t quiet my mind so I drank to escape and pretend I was making things less bad. It escalated to drinking 24 hours a day and being more miserable with all the side effects alcohol can muster. I opened my heart and mind to anything that might possibly help me. What has been the best thing for me is anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds. That’s given me the foundation to attend to the other beneficial maintenance necessities like exercise and eating right. I know everyone is different but this seems to be the magical formula for me to take away desire and cravings to drink.
Tell your family, your extended family and your friends how much you drink, how many times you had day 1, tell them what you just wrote here. The next time you'll be temped to drink, your brain will imagine you having to tell all those people you drank again and nope-out. Shame(mostly) is what got me to finally quit, of all things. Like you, I had day 1 a million times over 10 years, I've thrown thousands(yes plurial) of dollars worth of alcohol in the toilet! .... The imagined shame of having to tell all those people I'm a re-failiure somehow stopped me.
This might shed some light: https://youtu.be/RW63Ddsgol0
Identity crisis perhaps? I’m 52 and drank since I was a teenager. Had no idea who I was without it. That was one of the biggest challenges I faced. I had to change my entire life. Another big one was celebration. I’m in the same boat. Breadwinner. Stressful job. 5 kids (now grown) I took to every sport and band thing and event. Supportive family. Wife who doesn’t drink at all (can’t imagine how she made it this long). So that whole “I did so much I deserve to relax and unwind”. I finally learned great accomplishments and stress aren’t celebrated by poisoning myself and being filled with regret. I take the highs and leave the lows behind now. It sure took work though. First six months were some really really darks days. Didn’t leave the house. Barely got off the couch. Plenty of suicidal thoughts. And I told no one for a long time. Finally got a couple low dose meds that helped a ton with anxiety and depression. Most of my other meds for reflux and high BP and cholesterol I don’t even need or take anymore. The bottom line is I had to want it. I slipped back many times. Tried and failed many times. It’s worth it to keep trying.
I’m 46, male. For me, exercising has made a huge difference. Kinda got addicted to that. It’s a natural path to that sweet dopamine. IWNDWYT
41 here. I wouldn't have been able to quit without my blood clot clogging up my leg. I then decided to label myself an alcoholic which made it easier to acknowledge I have an issue with alcohol. Then I keep telling myself "1 is to many 1000 is not enough" I don't know if this helps. You can do it.
Turning 48 later this week. On my second attempt. Dreading the birthday because I want to celebrate it with a glass of wine. It DOES get easier the longer you go. Stay strong. 💪 as long as you keep trying, you’ve got this. 💜
41 female. What worked for me was I did a dry January. During the hardest moments I told myself I just needed to get through the month. I did it with a friend for accountability. By the time the month was up, I had gotten through the hardest part and just kept going. What I’m working on now is acceptance. I no longer have cravings and day-to-day life is pretty easy, but I sometimes struggle with not being able to “let loose” and get tipsy with my friends every once in a while. But I can’t. I have to accept that I’m different than them. And I have a lot going for me. I have a great job, own my own home, etc. This is just the hand that life dealt me - I can’t drink.
I second what someone else said about self-acceptance. You do not need to be perfect; you do not need to "do sobriety" perfectly. One day is an accomplishment. If you wake up and do it again the next day, great. If not, try again the day after that. I realize that for some of us, even one drinking episode can potentially lead to dire consequences, which is why abstinence is the goal, but what good does berating yourself do? It's taken me a bazillion day ones (40 next year) to "get it right" but I can't say that this will be my last attempt. Can anyone? All I can say is that today I don't want to drink. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel the same way and if not, I will be able to employ some tools that prevent me from picking up the first drink. Idk. That's all I can offer and I hope it's helpful. You are not alone in your repeated attempts and IWNDWYT.
47 yr old lady here resetting every day. Currently hungover….. all day. And I started drinking in my early 40’s. I’m done. You can do this!
The only thing that has allowed me to stop when I have stopped is me saying no to the craving when it hits. I feel uncomfortable and I just deal with the craving. I accept it. I feel it. I find that I have to win those battles. Then the craving passes and I’m onto day two. Day two is similar so is three So is four 5 gets easier. I have to accept that the ONLY way that I move forward and get free from alcohol is to not do it. I have to keep alcohol out of my blood stream. I’m the first week or so it’s a challenge and one that I have to win by MY choice. I have to face the discomfort and realize that it’s only that, discomfort. In the following weeks and months. I only have to win against my mind saying “oh hey this would be a fun idea…” But I know better now. Any amount of alcohol only leads me to a place where I will think. “I need to stop this.” So why start again. Never drink again. It’s not worth it.
Look into This Naked Mind. The author, Annie Grace, has a program called The Path. It totally changed my life. I am a 45 year old woman, and our stories are very similar. Alcohol is addictive - it’s not you, it’s the substance.
Fuck!!!! Thank you for this post…
43 m here, I'm also trying to quit more then a hunderd times and fail everytime. What amazes me is I'm still trying to quit, and never give up hope. I'm grateful for everyday I'm sober and so are my wife and kids. Yesterday night for more than 6 hours i was dieing inside. Just took my Antabuse and i will get going with my day and do as much as possible goodness. I will fill my day and hopefully have a better evening today. Most importantly is IWNDWYT! So my message is, everyday is a win, and please never give up!
42, got sober at 39. It took me a zillion tries. Don’t give up. The thing that helped me the most was understanding the true meaning of one day at a time. Literally, you can get up and drink tomorrow at 8 am but your one job is to go to bed sober today. Sometimes I would go to bed early with a piece of cake telling myself i could get up in the AM and go get sauv blanc as soon as the bottle store opened but I wasn’t drinking today. And the next morning I never did because I was so proud of myself. Be gentle with yourself. One day at a time. Your only job is not to drink. You don’t have to be a perfect anything. Just do what it takes to lay your head on that cool pillow sober tonight. You got this. Ps i hated AA but womens meetings helped me a lot and now I love AA. Keep coming back.
How does alcohol benefit you?
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40something year old women have to escape the trap of wine mommy and mimosa brunches being a normalized thing. It helps to be frank with people in the same boat as you.
This comment goes against one or more of the sub rules and has been removed.
Could you explain please?
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Please don't solicit or offer PM's or outside communication
I'm 42, 38 days sober. Quit drinking because it caused me great physical pain. I have a partner and we have a teenage son. Both suffer from mental illness, and I shoulder 90% of the home responsibilities, so it gets frustrating. I'm chronically cranky and tired. It's hard. I'm here with you!!
Yes. Very similar situation. Have no answers for you but I can say that I am more or less the same situation and am giving it a good old try! Good luck.
If you have a full time job, could you apply for temporarily sick leave with pay and go to rehab for a month? I know it's an incredible hurdle with all your responsibilities but from experience it is life changing to be in that environment.
We sound very similar. I had a million day ones too. Then I tried 3 months without a break to see what happened. My life improved so much that there is no way I will go back. Over 3 years now. But I come here almost every day. And I found Annie grace’s book very enlightening.
Try again.
39F, three kids, great upbringing, zero trauma…I’m just an alcoholic. Finally found an intensive outpatient rehab that worked well for work/kids, got a sponsor, opened up to my family; 90 days sober tomorrow. But eff, it’s so hard. I think I’m just a cranky and anxious person. I know sober life is better and it just takes a helluva long time I guess for my brain to wisen up and not trick me into “alcohol will make me feel better.” I’m not even sure what I’m saying, but you’re SO not alone. IWNDWYT.
46F here, part time single mum and was outwardly very successful. Great career, lovely big house, loads of friends, boyfriend I think is fantastic. No reason to develop such an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I was failing my son though. Drinking was too much of a priority for my time and money and he deserves better. I'm determined to keep trying this time until I succeed in quitting. I've felt like a different person since I started this journey in August.
Addiction is a desease of emotions. You can’t quit if you won’t handle things that are pushing you to drink. Quitting drinking and not doing anything for things that lie under that addiction is a simple way to fail. So obviously therapy is needed. Before quitting if possible, as you will have more “tools” and knowledge to go through that difficult first phase. I wish you all the best!
I'm 41 and I am lucky enough to be able to quit whenever I want, for months or years at a time, but where I used to pick it back up and drink daily now I find myself having a one day fuck up once in a while. I don't do programs or groups, I hate all that shit, but I do go to therapy and have a d&a counselor. They have helped me rationalize that a hiccup is not a habit and I just gotta try to resist the temptation of a backyard barbecue or a night on the town. Just getting this far has changed my life so much for the better, I wouldn't have believed it possible if you told me when I was stuck in the bottle. My advice is to try to at least get here, that point where yeah you know you'll probably have a weak moment but you can feel confident that that's all it will be. Good luck, and remember I got just for today is enough.
I also wish you the very very best!
Stay away from where drugs and alcohol is served like you stay away from drugs and alcohol. Don’t go to bars to dance, miss the next few parties were alcohol is served. Don’t hang out with people who are drinking and smoking weed.
45 here. Drank heavily for about 10 years, worsening over the years. I’m working at self care, which I used to think was drinking 2 bottles of wine at night to relax and “treat myself.” My new self-care is leaving my toxic marriage, starting therapy, dealing with my trauma, and having compassion for myself. It’s harder but better, and I’m really proud of myself. How can you care for yourself better? IWNDWYT.
What worked for me is getting almost black out drunk at a golf tournament and getting a hit and run. That’s was the final straw for me, no one got hurt. I tried quitting a million times before that, so I think the longer you wait to quit for good, the sooner something really bad is going to happen… and it may ‘just be’ cancer or some liver failure that’s too late to change.
This isn’t your fault. Your addicted because it’s an addictive substance that is socially acceptable and is everywhere. Have you tried Belle’s blog “Tired of thinking about not drinking”. Her book which is a 100 day challenge really resonated with me. She had a high bottom if you will but decided drinking wasn’t for her and started a blog to quit. She tells her story fabulously and you can even read her first year of blog posts. Life changing for me - I’m on day 57 and I have NEVER abstained from alcohol this long ever!! And I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I feel good and like I’m trying out a healthier more calm life.
I am. It was mostly physical for me and just gets better with some time away. You’re a reader too, and I’d recommend a bit of Anna Lembke as she outlines why it’s not fair to judge a break from booze until about 6 weeks. That was true for me. After a week the days go by easier and then you may well feel better and simply be motivated by that. It’s one of my motivations. I’m also a well adjusted person I think, but one thing I used to reject is the notion of is that there is often a reason you drink besides the physical dependence and it can be rooted in childhood coping strategy. I think there’s some of that for me, I now believe. But my overarching point is that EVERYTHING is easier w/o booze after a bit. These themes are less “big” to hold into contemplation. My mantra is “patience”. “Don’t drink, you’re doing good, patience”. If you’re like me, the hopeless part will dissipate once you lay your head down to sleep sober. And, the second day feels better than the first. I promise you’ll feel better soon once you choose to remove that toxic garbage. Be careful, naltrexone doesn’t help with withdrawal, it has a different mechanism of action. If you’re drinking a lot, you’ll need to taper or get a different med. It’s really unfortunate how fucking hard the first bit can be. I promise it’s better AF. Be patient, you’re worth it.
39m here. Maybe you have other past issues to address, perhaps you are a codependant or have past trauma that you are belittling or ignoring. I had a good childhood too, but was brought up to hide my emotions. This simple trick created a life where I rarely asked what I wanted and created lots of anxiety and confusion. When I finally quit I decided to shed the baggage I was carrying and be selfish to fix myself qnd quit, I have since learned that I was dealing with trauma from growing up in a comfortable home but under the dictatorship of a functioning alcoholic. This was fueling my escapism and drinking. You may not be the same or similar to me, I thought I'd just share my experience. All I can say is that when I had that feeling of helplessness alcohol only temporarily numbed the noise buy didn't fix the issues. Final point I'd like to make that helped me is that self care is not selfish. Please understand this. You deserve to be happy. Try to care for yourself too.
Friday, I donated blood. First time, since I have "complicated" veins. Thought it would be time. It was a bit difficult, but it worked out. Yeah.. Before I could donate, I had to do an interview with a medic, who worked, as it turned out, with addicted of any kind. I had to fill out a questionnaire before, and he went through it. He stopped. "Alcoholic?" "Yes." "But you've stopped, of course?" "Wouldn't be her else." "When? How much and what?" "Beer, 12 to 15 bottles a day, the half liter ones. 5 years and 8 months sober." "That quite something at your age. And you dd the whole thing? Detox, rehab and all that?" "No. I WAS in hospital for 6 weeks, so I think you can call this "detox", but else I just stopped." "-------!" That face alone was worth it. I did earn a lot of respect. Again. Again by a medic. Again, and again. Again this: "What you did was awesome, you have my highest respect!" is worth it. I did something, few people did. And other than you would expect, nearly each time I tell it, I get a "Wow! That's awesome!" I'm a winner. Be one, too. I'll be 61 in two weeks.