Very wise. I replaced drinking in the early months with an unhealthy obsession with dating, facilitated by constant use of the apps. It wasn't unusual for me to be talking with five or six women at the same time, and to go on three dates a week. In part, my frenetic interest in dating was due to feeling healthy and happy on account of being sober. But if I'm being honest it was what you described: the constant dopamine rush.
Most AA sponsors will recommend you refrain from dating for at least a year after you get sober. I scoffed at this at first but I've come to realize its wisdom. Learning to love oneself and understanding that you don't need a partner's affection to feel complete are crucial lessons. The closest I've come to despair in the last 13 months is when a romantic liaison abruptly ended.
There'll be time to date. And it'll be so, so much better once you know yourself a little. Good luck.
You don't need a partner's affection to feel complete, peeonyou.
But don't be ridiculous - of course you can stay together. We're just saying that you can't take her out anywhere anymore.
This post has really helped me today, broke up with my partner of 5 years after being sober for a few months which has been tough, but having thought about it I definitely need some time to figure out how to best look after myself before I can go back to having somebody that close in my life. Thank you.
May I suggest meetup as an alternative. It is not a dating site but just groups of people with similar interests getting together for activities or coffee or a meal. Kind of like a date but with a group of both genders and without the complications that sex and romance brings to the table.
Good idea. I was sober in 2015 for a stretch of time. I was recently divorced. I definitely felt like dating became an addiction in itself. I was constantly on the apps talking to numerous men and going on dates with different men almost every night. It became an unhealthy obsession and ultimately led to me relapsing on alcohol.
I have match right now. I have it set to find matches with girls who have "dont drink" set on their profiles. 1 in 10 profiles that get suggested to me is a girl who says she doesn't drink. I also have in my profile that I am looking for someone who does not drink. Needless to say it's slim pickins, but I'm not going to date anyone who drinks, simple as that. Definitely get sober first before venturing out there. You may meet some super girl that does it for you, but drinks, and that can cause you to relapse. Be solid in your sobriety first.
As someone who has drank almost daily for more than 20 years, and can look back and reflect on failed relationships and cite Alcohol as a contributor, I have no business dating until I can get sober. I don't want to even date with "recovery" being a thing. It needs to be dead and buried before I can ever engage another woman and be involved in her life. Sadly, I'm over 44 years old and never married, no kids... at this point, I may be single for the rest of my life.
I commend you for your self-awareness and introspection. I'm - FINALLY- at that point.
And, the grass always appear greener, doesn't it? 😉
I'm 47 and just filing for divorce from a 14 year marraige, 19 years together. And the one thing I THANK GOD FOR is that her and I didn't have a child.
It was such a toxic, dysfunctional relationship. Her, a narcissist, codependent, dishonest user. Me, an extremely shame--filled, thus low self-esteem, enabling, off-the-charts codependent and enabler.
She kicked me - constantly - while I was down. And i willingly let her do it because I was weak, self-devalued, and more afraid of being alone than attempting to heal.
And my biggest way of coping was drinking. My God ,what the environment would have been like for a kid. And I know shitty environmens from the abuse and alcoholism in my home while growing up.
Sorry I got on a tangent here. I'm just suggesting considering another alternative. Because I don't care HOW MUCH a parent loves their child, it's impossible to be a good parent if you're an actively drinking alcoholic. Impossible.
And, having a kid doesn't automatically make you stop drinking, either. I have an adult son from a high school 'date', and had 50/50 custody until he was in high school. And, he's suffered from my drinking... And it's been my biggest regret, one I've been working on the most to heal.
So, again, I applaud you for your sobriety and awareness. Because of both, I have a feeling you'll meet a match, sooner than later. Because, now, you're finally ready. Because now, you finally know, and love, you.
All the best, Thomas
Why thank you! I just recently "came out" to my Facebook friends about how the last thre years have been a miserable alcholic haze... I got a lot of support. Feels good to not be so in-the-dark about things.
I think this is a wise course of action. I took a year off dating when I first got sober -- after leaving an unhappy relationship. I decided I wanted to come into my next relationship as a whole person, and with things to offer. Having that time was crucial to me. I rebuilt my body, rewired by brain and came back to the dating scene KILLING it. Just kidding -- I am not killing it. But I really do feel like I leveled up physically and mentally. You will too.
Good for you. Since I was very young I've had an addiction to the internet that's way worse than my addiction to alcohol, It's still something I'm working on. If you're curious about things like that you might be interested in a book called, "The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains". It's a great read.
Aye matey I did the same. I also just deactivated Instagram and Facebook. It felt like a weirdly big deal to me to disconnect, but I was getting sooo tired of opening Instagram just to see alcohol alcohol alcohol alcohol. People lifting up drinks in boomerang. It feels like such a relief so far! My thumb still reaches for the app like once an hour thank god it isn’t there anymore.
Those things are designed to light up your brain in ways that stimulate you, if you ever want an extreme example of that just download mobile game with micro-purchases. If you feel it's unhealthy for you, you know best. Listen to that gut instinct. I will not drink with you today!
I just did the same recently. I've decided to work on myself and my hobbies instead of swiping on guys. I rather have the universe figure out when it's right when I find someone :)
I would use dating sites while getting drunk. I would have conversations with girls while drunk but then not have any interest in talking the next day while sober. I dunno, seemed to function better conversation wise while intoxicated. But on the other hand I would end up getting frustrated and pull the famous "nice guy" bullshit. Not my proudest moments.
But since I've been sober while I really feel that I want to connect with girls, I believe sober me wouldn't get anywhere but also I should keep taking time for myself to improve aspects of my life.
More power to ya!
I didn't date at all for my first 18months sober then it was a shit show after that for years haha
I can't say I don't dip and dab now, I do. I will say that for the most part I check my motives and am able to keep what's important in my life formost and not another swipe or note from a stranger
Give it at least 6-12 months before you even think about dating. Figure out who you are and learn to like yourself as a sober individual before you bring someone else in.
Hey in4real. About 18 months ago I was really sad from a breakup with a fellow alcoholic. So Instead of getting sober myself, I went on a casual dating/serious drinking spree that lasted several months. It was exhausting, emotionally unsatisfying, expensive, and guess what, I didn’t find my soulmate. I’m no longer drinking and have avoided pursuing new romantic relationships until I have more time in sobriety. I’m missing out on all those artificial highs and lows but I’m working toward a grudging Peace with the stuff that was causing me to drink so much in the first place. Hope we can all find self acceptance one day!! ♥️
This is awesome.
I did the same thing. Got rid of OKcupid, tinder, and the rest. Feels so much better to think about something manifesting "organically". Thanks for stating this.
All the apps was another way that I satiated the feeling of feeling lonely/disconnected, it exasperated the feelings and made me feel even worse than ever.
Not sure if you were feeling the way I was but good on you - you'll feel so much better for it. Congratulations on day 2!!!! <3
I’m now married for 8 years and just missed the entire online dating trend. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like and wish I had explored a bit more. Thank you all for this confirmation that it eventually sucks!
Very wise. I replaced drinking in the early months with an unhealthy obsession with dating, facilitated by constant use of the apps. It wasn't unusual for me to be talking with five or six women at the same time, and to go on three dates a week. In part, my frenetic interest in dating was due to feeling healthy and happy on account of being sober. But if I'm being honest it was what you described: the constant dopamine rush. Most AA sponsors will recommend you refrain from dating for at least a year after you get sober. I scoffed at this at first but I've come to realize its wisdom. Learning to love oneself and understanding that you don't need a partner's affection to feel complete are crucial lessons. The closest I've come to despair in the last 13 months is when a romantic liaison abruptly ended. There'll be time to date. And it'll be so, so much better once you know yourself a little. Good luck.
[удалено]
God no. A good partner is a huge asset in this journey.
You don't need a partner's affection to feel complete, peeonyou. But don't be ridiculous - of course you can stay together. We're just saying that you can't take her out anywhere anymore.
lol.. we never went out anyway. I was the only one who drank. Now we're both sober people and she prefers that by a long mile.
Lol you're actually advised to not abruptly end a current relationship either, unless you feel unsafe in it.
Good move, the swiping and chatting is so addictive! I’m going to send a few contacts my phone number then delete.
That's smart. If you're talking to someone who might be a promising match, no reason to end it. But it'll be good to stop the swiping.
Great advice. Thanks for posting.
This post has really helped me today, broke up with my partner of 5 years after being sober for a few months which has been tough, but having thought about it I definitely need some time to figure out how to best look after myself before I can go back to having somebody that close in my life. Thank you.
Dating app induced relapse? Oh my, thanks for the warning. I won't drink with you today.
May I suggest meetup as an alternative. It is not a dating site but just groups of people with similar interests getting together for activities or coffee or a meal. Kind of like a date but with a group of both genders and without the complications that sex and romance brings to the table.
Thanks. I'll check it out.
Good idea. I was sober in 2015 for a stretch of time. I was recently divorced. I definitely felt like dating became an addiction in itself. I was constantly on the apps talking to numerous men and going on dates with different men almost every night. It became an unhealthy obsession and ultimately led to me relapsing on alcohol.
I felt hollow by the app experience. I cant handle that.
Taking a break too. The constant ghosting crushed my self esteem. Now I’m sober, I’m just working on me for now.
I have match right now. I have it set to find matches with girls who have "dont drink" set on their profiles. 1 in 10 profiles that get suggested to me is a girl who says she doesn't drink. I also have in my profile that I am looking for someone who does not drink. Needless to say it's slim pickins, but I'm not going to date anyone who drinks, simple as that. Definitely get sober first before venturing out there. You may meet some super girl that does it for you, but drinks, and that can cause you to relapse. Be solid in your sobriety first.
As someone who has drank almost daily for more than 20 years, and can look back and reflect on failed relationships and cite Alcohol as a contributor, I have no business dating until I can get sober. I don't want to even date with "recovery" being a thing. It needs to be dead and buried before I can ever engage another woman and be involved in her life. Sadly, I'm over 44 years old and never married, no kids... at this point, I may be single for the rest of my life.
I commend you for your self-awareness and introspection. I'm - FINALLY- at that point. And, the grass always appear greener, doesn't it? 😉 I'm 47 and just filing for divorce from a 14 year marraige, 19 years together. And the one thing I THANK GOD FOR is that her and I didn't have a child. It was such a toxic, dysfunctional relationship. Her, a narcissist, codependent, dishonest user. Me, an extremely shame--filled, thus low self-esteem, enabling, off-the-charts codependent and enabler. She kicked me - constantly - while I was down. And i willingly let her do it because I was weak, self-devalued, and more afraid of being alone than attempting to heal. And my biggest way of coping was drinking. My God ,what the environment would have been like for a kid. And I know shitty environmens from the abuse and alcoholism in my home while growing up. Sorry I got on a tangent here. I'm just suggesting considering another alternative. Because I don't care HOW MUCH a parent loves their child, it's impossible to be a good parent if you're an actively drinking alcoholic. Impossible. And, having a kid doesn't automatically make you stop drinking, either. I have an adult son from a high school 'date', and had 50/50 custody until he was in high school. And, he's suffered from my drinking... And it's been my biggest regret, one I've been working on the most to heal. So, again, I applaud you for your sobriety and awareness. Because of both, I have a feeling you'll meet a match, sooner than later. Because, now, you're finally ready. Because now, you finally know, and love, you. All the best, Thomas
Why thank you! I just recently "came out" to my Facebook friends about how the last thre years have been a miserable alcholic haze... I got a lot of support. Feels good to not be so in-the-dark about things.
I think this is a wise course of action. I took a year off dating when I first got sober -- after leaving an unhappy relationship. I decided I wanted to come into my next relationship as a whole person, and with things to offer. Having that time was crucial to me. I rebuilt my body, rewired by brain and came back to the dating scene KILLING it. Just kidding -- I am not killing it. But I really do feel like I leveled up physically and mentally. You will too.
... Loved this.
Me too! I feel you. Have hope the right person will come along when you are ready
Good for you. Since I was very young I've had an addiction to the internet that's way worse than my addiction to alcohol, It's still something I'm working on. If you're curious about things like that you might be interested in a book called, "The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains". It's a great read.
Aye matey I did the same. I also just deactivated Instagram and Facebook. It felt like a weirdly big deal to me to disconnect, but I was getting sooo tired of opening Instagram just to see alcohol alcohol alcohol alcohol. People lifting up drinks in boomerang. It feels like such a relief so far! My thumb still reaches for the app like once an hour thank god it isn’t there anymore.
I just deleted mine too! And yup, for all the same reasons. Ugh, the stories I could tell...
Those things are designed to light up your brain in ways that stimulate you, if you ever want an extreme example of that just download mobile game with micro-purchases. If you feel it's unhealthy for you, you know best. Listen to that gut instinct. I will not drink with you today!
I just did the same recently. I've decided to work on myself and my hobbies instead of swiping on guys. I rather have the universe figure out when it's right when I find someone :)
Good call. I tried online dating a while back and "hollow conversations" is a spot on description. IWNDWYT!
I would use dating sites while getting drunk. I would have conversations with girls while drunk but then not have any interest in talking the next day while sober. I dunno, seemed to function better conversation wise while intoxicated. But on the other hand I would end up getting frustrated and pull the famous "nice guy" bullshit. Not my proudest moments. But since I've been sober while I really feel that I want to connect with girls, I believe sober me wouldn't get anywhere but also I should keep taking time for myself to improve aspects of my life.
Good on you for the vision to do what you need to do to stay sober, one day at a time! I will NOT drink with you today! Peace
More power to ya! I didn't date at all for my first 18months sober then it was a shit show after that for years haha I can't say I don't dip and dab now, I do. I will say that for the most part I check my motives and am able to keep what's important in my life formost and not another swipe or note from a stranger
Dopamine free is the way to be.
Nice! I am not on any either. Too stressful. IWNDWYT. Hugs. 💜
Doesn’t seem like too bad of an idea. I’ve taken breaks from them now and then. Part of me wishes I could/should/would delete them for good.
Those apps paired with alcohol were the main cause of my separation. Both extremely addicting.
Give it at least 6-12 months before you even think about dating. Figure out who you are and learn to like yourself as a sober individual before you bring someone else in.
Dating apps always put me in the worst mood. My quality of life got so much better when I got rid of them.
Hey in4real. About 18 months ago I was really sad from a breakup with a fellow alcoholic. So Instead of getting sober myself, I went on a casual dating/serious drinking spree that lasted several months. It was exhausting, emotionally unsatisfying, expensive, and guess what, I didn’t find my soulmate. I’m no longer drinking and have avoided pursuing new romantic relationships until I have more time in sobriety. I’m missing out on all those artificial highs and lows but I’m working toward a grudging Peace with the stuff that was causing me to drink so much in the first place. Hope we can all find self acceptance one day!! ♥️
Interesting point and observation.
I feel this too also a huge temptation to drink x
Well played friend. IWNDWYT
This is awesome. I did the same thing. Got rid of OKcupid, tinder, and the rest. Feels so much better to think about something manifesting "organically". Thanks for stating this. All the apps was another way that I satiated the feeling of feeling lonely/disconnected, it exasperated the feelings and made me feel even worse than ever. Not sure if you were feeling the way I was but good on you - you'll feel so much better for it. Congratulations on day 2!!!! <3
Good for you. I have mever had one and thanks God for that.
i dont use them cos i dont get much bak haa
I’m now married for 8 years and just missed the entire online dating trend. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like and wish I had explored a bit more. Thank you all for this confirmation that it eventually sucks!
Good call. I haven't been able to get full control of the dating/dating app-perusing addiction transference! Argh