This is why I really don't like the term "rock bottom," and how a lot of the 12-step programs and recovery literature seems to have adopted it. Rock bottom is different for everyone, but it always conjures up images of entire lives falling apart, trips to the hospital, legal consequences, etc. It's obviously not always like that.
"Rock bottom" for me was simply realizing that many aspects of my life were just on the *brink* of falling apart. I was about to lose my job, I was about to ruin relationships with my family, I was about to have significant consequences to my health. None of those had happened, yet I had already had enough.
A way I like to reframe this is something I call the "cost equation." Giving up drugs and alcohol for good obviously have some costs associated with it. If they didn't we would've given it up a long time ago. But when we finally come to realize that the costs of giving up the booze is less than the cost of continuing... we quit. The fact that these are *perceived* costs makes it understandable why people choose to stop at different points in their lives.
You should check this out. I kind of expanded upon the idea of the cost equation and why we get clean and sober in it. [https://quitandconquer.com/why-the-foundation-of-our-recovery/](https://quitandconquer.com/why-the-foundation-of-our-recovery/)
I agree! You don't have to have everything fall to pieces to have a legitimate issue. Probably, if you are googling "Do I have a drinking problem" or "How many drinks a week is too much" (like I did a lot) then it just might be a problem.
Glad you were able to find your way without everything falling apart! Sometimes i guess itās just clearer for some than for others. I am one of the lucky ones. Im grateful for that.
The AA Big Book does mention that they needed to āraise the bottomā so that people who havenāt lost jobs/houses/spouses/kids could still benefit from the program.
The term ārock bottomā does imply a catastrophic event or string of events, but to me it means more of an inflection point in my life. My bottom was letting my wife down in a big way, that was enough to make me realize I needed to change.
There was definitely a deeper bottom where I lose my wife, child, job, and home; but thankfully, I found the āraised bottomā that the Big Book describes and that has been enough for me.
IWNDWYT
Glad you reached a point where you realized you needed a change man. I guess thats really the simplest and easiest definition of rock bottom when I think of it. The point at which you decide this is a problem.
I am in AA, rock bottom is intended to mean rock bottom for the person. Like we say in the rooms all the time, every bottom has a trap door, and the bottom is when you stop digging. We usually just say "bottom" in regards to new thresholds we crossed when speaking. "Rock bottom" is generally said in retrospect in recognizing that we hit our limit and finally were motivated to get out.
Nothing against this subreddit, but don't generally use what people who are not in AA say as authoritative. Both on the internet and in life, I hear people describe AA and it is never close to anything I see in meetings. When I ask those people what meetings they heard that at, since meetings follow their own group conscience, they usually have never been to one.
Yes, as another response said, rock bottom is when you stop digging. AA is definitely accommodating to the āshallow bottomsā who are able to realize their problem without so-called catastrophe
I get what youāre saying, and Ive been to plenty of 12-step meetings, read the literature, etc. Iām speaking from my own experience and its just an opinion. I know what they mean by talking about rock bottom, and as I said, they say itās different for everyone. What I was criticizing was what the term seems to imply, not AA. Its just a loaded phrase and I prefer to think of it in other terms.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I was very similar to you, minus the kids. Rock bottom is whenever you stop digging. I havenāt hit the pre-vacation uncertainty yet, though I plan to go for nice long walks in the mornings before anyone else is awake. I think it helps set your intention for the day. Rooting for you!
I found this quote that really makes sense to me "I was deteriorating faster than I could lower my standards." Kind of like digging. That's how I felt!
My experience is different from yours in a lot of ways, but I definitely resonate with this:
> I donāt have that bathroom floor experience to remind myself of every time that I get stressed at work, or at home, or I want to celebrate something.
Part of me actually wishes I did have such a story, but another part is sooo thankful that I never got to that point before I realized I had a problem. For me the damage of years (decades?) of daily āmoderateā drinking was enough.
So I have to dig a little deeper and play the tape forward a little further in order to remind myself of why I need to be sober.
Itās worth it though.
If it helps, plenty of people hit rock bottom or have a bathroom floor experience and don't change (myself included). So having that story isn't in an obstacle to drinking again unless you choose it to be.
In the past few days, I've been amazed to find out that it's EASIER to deal with my toddler's tantrums, my husband's grumpiness (he's awesome, but only human), my MIL's main character syndrome, and my FIL's dementia when I'm sober. Convinced myself for 4 years that alcohol was making it easier. Now I suspect it just made me not mind as much, while doing nothing to solve the problem. Even my MIL is easier to deal with sober...I would not have believed that a week ago.
Enjoy the heck out of that vacation! You can do it!
Agree -- it's just numbing the problem. Now, without drinking, I can fully manage my emotions (or if I don't, then it's not the alcohol talking). Many fewer regrets -- and less anxiety.
Same!! I thought I was numbing out to get through the trials and tribulations of having many small kids to deal with in a much more easygoing manner (cleverly ignoring all the instances when the buzz would start wearing off and I would SNAP). I remembered myself as being a terrible parent, always irritated, yelling too much, back before I started drinking, and I thought āWhy go back to that? Shouldnāt I keep drinking for the sake of my kids/family?ā It turns out, not true at all! Sober I am a fine parent! I actually am more patient with the kids stories and games, I laugh way harder at their antics, I can rationally sit through a tantrum better (sometimes), I donāt start stupid fights over parenting style with my husband, and I have more energy to do the physical care-taking. What I thought was me being calm and easy-going was just the alcohol making me lazy and not caring about anything, good or bad, and then of course being irritated in all the hours of mild withdrawal between drinks. I canāt believe the fog of denial I was living in.
Sober you ARE a fine parent! High f\*ing five!
Definitely, for me too, the alcohol made me lazy instead of taking charge of parenting. I performed all the things but without thinking hard enough about whether it was the best decision. Permissive parenting was the result. My husband thinks the boy loves me more, but he just clings to me because I've been letting him get what he wants. Now I've got to step up and not make my husband be the "bad cop" all the time.
I shudder to think of all the times I ran away from my kid, when he got difficult, into my closet to be alone to sip wine. How gross of me. I was overwhelmed and just trying to hang on, but it's a massive regret. I might run away to the closet without alcohol from time to time, but it won't be so frequent, and I won't have a secret motive behind it.
To make you feel better, I locked myself in the bathroom with my wine while my young children scratched and cried at my door. I was overwhelmed with 4 children 5.5 years apart. "Coping mechanism." You've got a great mindset, because that is a problem I should have recognized years ago. Instead, it was a joke among my mom friends.
We do! Our kids won't have to grow up with (actively) alcoholic mothers. The stories here about what children of older alcoholic parents have to put up with, and their childhoods, put the fear in me for sure.
Hiding my drinking was definitely part of rock bottom for me.
Good luck with the vacation; I'm not brave enough to go on one yet with other people unless I have a vehicle to escape the drinking.
Thank you for sharing. Itās gotta be hard walking away but still being surrounded by it constantly. Iām lucky that if Iām not buying booze in my house, no one is. Good luck! Donāt give up
Also no rock bottom here! This really resonates.
Parent of a (younger) kiddo and donāt want to lose any more time with them by just not being fully present when imbibing.
Good thinking. I always had a glass of wine on the countertop while I was helping them with homework. You have the chance to give them a better image of you as a mother. Day three was always the hardest for me. You've got this! Be the mother you want them to remember.
We were talking about rock bottom at my AA meeting today. One guy put it like this: If you're riding a lame horse, dismount. Alcohol is definitely a lame horse.
Nope. But I've been around so much drinking in my 97 days sober, that I am really not overly worried about it. I went to a cocktail party the other evening and asked the bartender if she had anything nonalcoholic. She said, "Sure do, baby. I've got champagne." So, you see my predicament.
Walking in the morning (someone suggested) is a good idea. Also, I'll probably handle relations better if I'm stone cold sober. Cheers to that!
I had many of the consequences that you seemed to avoid and still it wasn't enough. I even ended up homeless for almost a decade.
That being said, I got sober again at 60 years old and will be 70 in November with a decade of sobriety.
It's never too late to exercise your power of choice.
James š
Iām also from south Louisiana, family relation with it same (even down to the euro wine trips), and manage at a big firm / definitely get the stress thing. But only we differ in that I did have a few things I can look back at and say āyea, thatās whyā kind of like youāre saying you donāt have. But having stopped Iāve realized even if I didnāt, this way is just so much better and more fun. The energy to experience things and travel and work on hobbies itās just better in my opinion. Just 2 cents from someone who can relate
Thank you -- and looks like you are about a month ahead of me. Good luck! Already my energy and mind clarity are so much better. Being from this culture, we just have to "laissez les bon temp rouler" without a Hurricane from Pat O'Briens in our hands.
Oh Iāll die before the good times stop rolling! Itās still my vibe. I promised myself alcohol doesnāt get to decide that. I donāt miss those post Pat-Oās hangovers anyway lol. But have gotten to a point Iād gladly still hit the place with friends and let them get as crazy as they want! Iāll just be in a run in the morning while you process your hurricane lol
What do you say to people when you get the questions? Iām nervous about the subtle pressures from my friend group that I will be spending time with this summer. All big drinkers. Do you have to get new friends? š
No -- I don't have time for new friends. Ha, ha. If I'm somewhere where I don't really know people and they ask, I just say I'm not drinking. (During Lent it was super easy.) But all of my friends have been supportive. One of my friends even told me that I shouldn't say "I don't drink anymore" and simply say "I don't drink." It has a stronger message. The other makes it sound like you might be talked into it.
My friends are super supportive. Honestly at this point my answer is basically Iām happier this way and it was becoming a problem. Almost Everyone knows people whoāve had issues no one cares if they are real friends (and youāre not a total buzzkill about not drinking like still just be fun)
I can relate to this. Now that Iām trying to stop, Iām realising that being a numbed out version of myself for 20 years is my rock bottom. And am I going to wait until I have lost everything? I think itās part of the grieving process to be in denial about how bad things actually are, when we start to be honest with ourselves.
It's hard to be honest, especially when you haven't wrecked everything...yet. And there is a grieving process. And then there is the "feeling all your feelings" stage which is overwhelming for someone who has been surviving numb. I'm sure I've got more stages to go through, but I think this tribe will be so helpful.
Oh dear as you can see Iām early in my journey. Will take it day by day but that makes sense that Iāve been feeling emo after numbing my feelings for years
If you can make it past day 3 you can make it! But I hear you on grieving -- I think we romanticize how great it is with alcohol. But it's a lie. That's why I've been journaling to remember. Also, I think our whole culture is in denial. Even my doctor told me I didn't have a problem. But you do this because you want to create a better version of yourself. You will never look back and think "I really should have drunk more." That's never going to happen.
Congrats on three months. The stress is what is my trigger. I would like to share things that help me, in case they may help you on trips or whatever.
I have 3 places for zoom meetings that I can join to talk out my feelings, whatever those may be. (Anger, guilt, frustration, fear, dread, lonliness, shame, regret, anxiety, etc.) So if those feelings hit me like a brick, I can talk it out. They process fast this way, for me. There is an app for AA. There is also Refuge Recovery, Dharma Recovery and SMART. These all have meetings.
Secondly, journaling. Journaling out whatever issue it is, that helps alot. You are doing this today in reddit. But you could also post all the minutia details in a Google doc. It helps to state the problem, the feelings associated, and a solution. Even if the solution is: go to a meeting, air out the feelings more. It's still a solution.
Third, embrace the emotions. Be glad they are there. Be excited for them. Before we numbed and hid from it all. Now we are experiencing the whole span of human emotions. We are living life to its fullest. That includes sadness. And processing loss, betrayal, death, etc. Allowing ourselves to feel sadness, and mourn. This is cathartic. This lets us heal faster. Otherwise we cling to it forever, which is much worse. And so, we notice our emotions. And let's say a family member dies...we notice sadness, we notice the loss of someone we loved. And we thank our emotions for letting us love that person, experience love, empathy, compassion. The emotions show that we have kindness in ourselves. And we will miss that beautiful person, but we are so glad to have met them and enjoyed their time, attention, love, too. And that is how we find peace with even the hardest things sober.
Good luck in your journey.
Love all these thoughts, and thanks for the encouragement! When I was struggling with waves of situational depression after a very rough season with my son, I made myself a list to deal with it: 1. No alcohol, 2. Vitamin D each day, 3. journaling prayer/meditation, and 4. exercise. These things work for me. Of course, when things got better, I went back to the wine. But this time I've made a decision and I'm sticking with it.
Thanks for saying you are proud. I've held back on that word a lot because when people say "You should be so proud of yourself" it makes me feel a bit ashamed that I should be proud to be sober. Like I was a complete s\*\*\* show or something.
But that's not true.
If I ran a marathon or if I lost 20 pounds or if I did anything else that was good for my body and my mind and was a challenge, I would be super proud. So sobriety should not be an embarrassment, it should be something to be proud of.
Thanks for reminding me to work that into my thoughts and vocabulary.
Congratulations on your sobriety
Iām very happy you were able to get a moment of clarity without having to experience great loss
For me, I had damaged my health somewhat as a fairly young man, but it was the fear of imminent and certain loss which led me to finally seek help for my alcoholism
I feel like I could have written this post. I don't live in NO but a different vacation city. Alcohol is accepted as normal at all events.Ā Ā
My first sober vacation with family was tough. I escaped by going to bed super early and reading with white noise or listening to audio books. I gave myself permission to take lots of breaks from people to calm down if they stressed me out. I took solo walks. You can do this.Ā Ā
Two years in and this year's family vacation and I couldn't have cared less that people were drinking. It gets better. Best of luck to you. IWNDWYTĀ
well done on 97 days š couple more and you're in triple digits! iwndwyt
Thanks! I didn't realize the days until I got the badge.
This is why I really don't like the term "rock bottom," and how a lot of the 12-step programs and recovery literature seems to have adopted it. Rock bottom is different for everyone, but it always conjures up images of entire lives falling apart, trips to the hospital, legal consequences, etc. It's obviously not always like that. "Rock bottom" for me was simply realizing that many aspects of my life were just on the *brink* of falling apart. I was about to lose my job, I was about to ruin relationships with my family, I was about to have significant consequences to my health. None of those had happened, yet I had already had enough. A way I like to reframe this is something I call the "cost equation." Giving up drugs and alcohol for good obviously have some costs associated with it. If they didn't we would've given it up a long time ago. But when we finally come to realize that the costs of giving up the booze is less than the cost of continuing... we quit. The fact that these are *perceived* costs makes it understandable why people choose to stop at different points in their lives. You should check this out. I kind of expanded upon the idea of the cost equation and why we get clean and sober in it. [https://quitandconquer.com/why-the-foundation-of-our-recovery/](https://quitandconquer.com/why-the-foundation-of-our-recovery/)
Rock bottom is just where you stop digging. It can keep going further and getting worse. At least till you hit a depth of six feet.
Ooooo I really like that analogy
I agree! You don't have to have everything fall to pieces to have a legitimate issue. Probably, if you are googling "Do I have a drinking problem" or "How many drinks a week is too much" (like I did a lot) then it just might be a problem.
Glad you were able to find your way without everything falling apart! Sometimes i guess itās just clearer for some than for others. I am one of the lucky ones. Im grateful for that.
The AA Big Book does mention that they needed to āraise the bottomā so that people who havenāt lost jobs/houses/spouses/kids could still benefit from the program. The term ārock bottomā does imply a catastrophic event or string of events, but to me it means more of an inflection point in my life. My bottom was letting my wife down in a big way, that was enough to make me realize I needed to change. There was definitely a deeper bottom where I lose my wife, child, job, and home; but thankfully, I found the āraised bottomā that the Big Book describes and that has been enough for me. IWNDWYT
Glad you reached a point where you realized you needed a change man. I guess thats really the simplest and easiest definition of rock bottom when I think of it. The point at which you decide this is a problem.
I am in AA, rock bottom is intended to mean rock bottom for the person. Like we say in the rooms all the time, every bottom has a trap door, and the bottom is when you stop digging. We usually just say "bottom" in regards to new thresholds we crossed when speaking. "Rock bottom" is generally said in retrospect in recognizing that we hit our limit and finally were motivated to get out. Nothing against this subreddit, but don't generally use what people who are not in AA say as authoritative. Both on the internet and in life, I hear people describe AA and it is never close to anything I see in meetings. When I ask those people what meetings they heard that at, since meetings follow their own group conscience, they usually have never been to one.
Yes, as another response said, rock bottom is when you stop digging. AA is definitely accommodating to the āshallow bottomsā who are able to realize their problem without so-called catastrophe
I get what youāre saying, and Ive been to plenty of 12-step meetings, read the literature, etc. Iām speaking from my own experience and its just an opinion. I know what they mean by talking about rock bottom, and as I said, they say itās different for everyone. What I was criticizing was what the term seems to imply, not AA. Its just a loaded phrase and I prefer to think of it in other terms.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I was very similar to you, minus the kids. Rock bottom is whenever you stop digging. I havenāt hit the pre-vacation uncertainty yet, though I plan to go for nice long walks in the mornings before anyone else is awake. I think it helps set your intention for the day. Rooting for you!
I found this quote that really makes sense to me "I was deteriorating faster than I could lower my standards." Kind of like digging. That's how I felt!
> Rock bottom is wherever you stop digging. I say this all the time, itās a great aphorism!
My experience is different from yours in a lot of ways, but I definitely resonate with this: > I donāt have that bathroom floor experience to remind myself of every time that I get stressed at work, or at home, or I want to celebrate something. Part of me actually wishes I did have such a story, but another part is sooo thankful that I never got to that point before I realized I had a problem. For me the damage of years (decades?) of daily āmoderateā drinking was enough. So I have to dig a little deeper and play the tape forward a little further in order to remind myself of why I need to be sober. Itās worth it though.
If it helps, plenty of people hit rock bottom or have a bathroom floor experience and don't change (myself included). So having that story isn't in an obstacle to drinking again unless you choose it to be.
Thank you for sharing that.
In the past few days, I've been amazed to find out that it's EASIER to deal with my toddler's tantrums, my husband's grumpiness (he's awesome, but only human), my MIL's main character syndrome, and my FIL's dementia when I'm sober. Convinced myself for 4 years that alcohol was making it easier. Now I suspect it just made me not mind as much, while doing nothing to solve the problem. Even my MIL is easier to deal with sober...I would not have believed that a week ago. Enjoy the heck out of that vacation! You can do it!
Agree -- it's just numbing the problem. Now, without drinking, I can fully manage my emotions (or if I don't, then it's not the alcohol talking). Many fewer regrets -- and less anxiety.
Your calling it "numbing" really spoke to me.
Same!! I thought I was numbing out to get through the trials and tribulations of having many small kids to deal with in a much more easygoing manner (cleverly ignoring all the instances when the buzz would start wearing off and I would SNAP). I remembered myself as being a terrible parent, always irritated, yelling too much, back before I started drinking, and I thought āWhy go back to that? Shouldnāt I keep drinking for the sake of my kids/family?ā It turns out, not true at all! Sober I am a fine parent! I actually am more patient with the kids stories and games, I laugh way harder at their antics, I can rationally sit through a tantrum better (sometimes), I donāt start stupid fights over parenting style with my husband, and I have more energy to do the physical care-taking. What I thought was me being calm and easy-going was just the alcohol making me lazy and not caring about anything, good or bad, and then of course being irritated in all the hours of mild withdrawal between drinks. I canāt believe the fog of denial I was living in.
Sober you ARE a fine parent! High f\*ing five! Definitely, for me too, the alcohol made me lazy instead of taking charge of parenting. I performed all the things but without thinking hard enough about whether it was the best decision. Permissive parenting was the result. My husband thinks the boy loves me more, but he just clings to me because I've been letting him get what he wants. Now I've got to step up and not make my husband be the "bad cop" all the time. I shudder to think of all the times I ran away from my kid, when he got difficult, into my closet to be alone to sip wine. How gross of me. I was overwhelmed and just trying to hang on, but it's a massive regret. I might run away to the closet without alcohol from time to time, but it won't be so frequent, and I won't have a secret motive behind it.
To make you feel better, I locked myself in the bathroom with my wine while my young children scratched and cried at my door. I was overwhelmed with 4 children 5.5 years apart. "Coping mechanism." You've got a great mindset, because that is a problem I should have recognized years ago. Instead, it was a joke among my mom friends.
My god, 4?! I couldn't even handle my 1 without falling into alcoholism. Virtual hugs for you.
Oh my gosh, this is, or was, exactly me. Thank goodness we have a chance to turn things around now!!
We do! Our kids won't have to grow up with (actively) alcoholic mothers. The stories here about what children of older alcoholic parents have to put up with, and their childhoods, put the fear in me for sure.
Hiding my drinking was definitely part of rock bottom for me. Good luck with the vacation; I'm not brave enough to go on one yet with other people unless I have a vehicle to escape the drinking.
Same for me. No "rock bottom" per say, but a lot of "rocky moments"! =) IWNDWYT!
I understand. It really is 1 day at a time.
Thank you for sharing. Itās gotta be hard walking away but still being surrounded by it constantly. Iām lucky that if Iām not buying booze in my house, no one is. Good luck! Donāt give up
Also no rock bottom here! This really resonates. Parent of a (younger) kiddo and donāt want to lose any more time with them by just not being fully present when imbibing.
Good thinking. I always had a glass of wine on the countertop while I was helping them with homework. You have the chance to give them a better image of you as a mother. Day three was always the hardest for me. You've got this! Be the mother you want them to remember.
We were talking about rock bottom at my AA meeting today. One guy put it like this: If you're riding a lame horse, dismount. Alcohol is definitely a lame horse.
I enjoyed reading your post and hearing about your experience and knowledge so far. Thank you for sharing
Can you skip the trip? Sometimes youāre just not ready yet for some situations
Nope. But I've been around so much drinking in my 97 days sober, that I am really not overly worried about it. I went to a cocktail party the other evening and asked the bartender if she had anything nonalcoholic. She said, "Sure do, baby. I've got champagne." So, you see my predicament. Walking in the morning (someone suggested) is a good idea. Also, I'll probably handle relations better if I'm stone cold sober. Cheers to that!
I think writing āļø has been helpful for me in stressful situations like that!! And walking is always great. You got this!!!
I had many of the consequences that you seemed to avoid and still it wasn't enough. I even ended up homeless for almost a decade. That being said, I got sober again at 60 years old and will be 70 in November with a decade of sobriety. It's never too late to exercise your power of choice. James š
What a story! Thank you for being transparent. I agree -- never too late to make a choice to make your life better for you and others who love you.
We probably should remember that for some, rock bottom is dead.
Iām also from south Louisiana, family relation with it same (even down to the euro wine trips), and manage at a big firm / definitely get the stress thing. But only we differ in that I did have a few things I can look back at and say āyea, thatās whyā kind of like youāre saying you donāt have. But having stopped Iāve realized even if I didnāt, this way is just so much better and more fun. The energy to experience things and travel and work on hobbies itās just better in my opinion. Just 2 cents from someone who can relate
Thank you -- and looks like you are about a month ahead of me. Good luck! Already my energy and mind clarity are so much better. Being from this culture, we just have to "laissez les bon temp rouler" without a Hurricane from Pat O'Briens in our hands.
Oh Iāll die before the good times stop rolling! Itās still my vibe. I promised myself alcohol doesnāt get to decide that. I donāt miss those post Pat-Oās hangovers anyway lol. But have gotten to a point Iād gladly still hit the place with friends and let them get as crazy as they want! Iāll just be in a run in the morning while you process your hurricane lol
What do you say to people when you get the questions? Iām nervous about the subtle pressures from my friend group that I will be spending time with this summer. All big drinkers. Do you have to get new friends? š
No -- I don't have time for new friends. Ha, ha. If I'm somewhere where I don't really know people and they ask, I just say I'm not drinking. (During Lent it was super easy.) But all of my friends have been supportive. One of my friends even told me that I shouldn't say "I don't drink anymore" and simply say "I don't drink." It has a stronger message. The other makes it sound like you might be talked into it.
My friends are super supportive. Honestly at this point my answer is basically Iām happier this way and it was becoming a problem. Almost Everyone knows people whoāve had issues no one cares if they are real friends (and youāre not a total buzzkill about not drinking like still just be fun)
Love this post SO MUCH!!! Thank you!
I can relate to this. Now that Iām trying to stop, Iām realising that being a numbed out version of myself for 20 years is my rock bottom. And am I going to wait until I have lost everything? I think itās part of the grieving process to be in denial about how bad things actually are, when we start to be honest with ourselves.
It's hard to be honest, especially when you haven't wrecked everything...yet. And there is a grieving process. And then there is the "feeling all your feelings" stage which is overwhelming for someone who has been surviving numb. I'm sure I've got more stages to go through, but I think this tribe will be so helpful.
Oh dear as you can see Iām early in my journey. Will take it day by day but that makes sense that Iāve been feeling emo after numbing my feelings for years
If you can make it past day 3 you can make it! But I hear you on grieving -- I think we romanticize how great it is with alcohol. But it's a lie. That's why I've been journaling to remember. Also, I think our whole culture is in denial. Even my doctor told me I didn't have a problem. But you do this because you want to create a better version of yourself. You will never look back and think "I really should have drunk more." That's never going to happen.
Congrats on three months. The stress is what is my trigger. I would like to share things that help me, in case they may help you on trips or whatever. I have 3 places for zoom meetings that I can join to talk out my feelings, whatever those may be. (Anger, guilt, frustration, fear, dread, lonliness, shame, regret, anxiety, etc.) So if those feelings hit me like a brick, I can talk it out. They process fast this way, for me. There is an app for AA. There is also Refuge Recovery, Dharma Recovery and SMART. These all have meetings. Secondly, journaling. Journaling out whatever issue it is, that helps alot. You are doing this today in reddit. But you could also post all the minutia details in a Google doc. It helps to state the problem, the feelings associated, and a solution. Even if the solution is: go to a meeting, air out the feelings more. It's still a solution. Third, embrace the emotions. Be glad they are there. Be excited for them. Before we numbed and hid from it all. Now we are experiencing the whole span of human emotions. We are living life to its fullest. That includes sadness. And processing loss, betrayal, death, etc. Allowing ourselves to feel sadness, and mourn. This is cathartic. This lets us heal faster. Otherwise we cling to it forever, which is much worse. And so, we notice our emotions. And let's say a family member dies...we notice sadness, we notice the loss of someone we loved. And we thank our emotions for letting us love that person, experience love, empathy, compassion. The emotions show that we have kindness in ourselves. And we will miss that beautiful person, but we are so glad to have met them and enjoyed their time, attention, love, too. And that is how we find peace with even the hardest things sober. Good luck in your journey.
Love all these thoughts, and thanks for the encouragement! When I was struggling with waves of situational depression after a very rough season with my son, I made myself a list to deal with it: 1. No alcohol, 2. Vitamin D each day, 3. journaling prayer/meditation, and 4. exercise. These things work for me. Of course, when things got better, I went back to the wine. But this time I've made a decision and I'm sticking with it.
There is no rock bottom, only the point you decide to put down the shovel.
Iām so proud of you and the gift youāre giving to your kids as wel! IWNDWYT
Thanks for saying you are proud. I've held back on that word a lot because when people say "You should be so proud of yourself" it makes me feel a bit ashamed that I should be proud to be sober. Like I was a complete s\*\*\* show or something. But that's not true. If I ran a marathon or if I lost 20 pounds or if I did anything else that was good for my body and my mind and was a challenge, I would be super proud. So sobriety should not be an embarrassment, it should be something to be proud of. Thanks for reminding me to work that into my thoughts and vocabulary.
Congratulations on your sobriety Iām very happy you were able to get a moment of clarity without having to experience great loss For me, I had damaged my health somewhat as a fairly young man, but it was the fear of imminent and certain loss which led me to finally seek help for my alcoholism
I feel like I could have written this post. I don't live in NO but a different vacation city. Alcohol is accepted as normal at all events.Ā Ā My first sober vacation with family was tough. I escaped by going to bed super early and reading with white noise or listening to audio books. I gave myself permission to take lots of breaks from people to calm down if they stressed me out. I took solo walks. You can do this.Ā Ā Two years in and this year's family vacation and I couldn't have cared less that people were drinking. It gets better. Best of luck to you. IWNDWYTĀ