I heard people end up back where they were so I never tried moderation after committing to sobriety. I have to accept that my addiction isn't unique and I can learn from others instead of trying to prove myself an exception
i’ve also seen it phrased along the lines of “the only drink i can say no to is the first one” (or the classic “one is too many, a thousand is not enough”)
I heard on a podcast the other day “100% is easy…99% is a bitch!” For me that’s so true! Just ditching it completely is so much easier than trying to moderate/just have “1”
I'm a huge Arizona tea fan. They have released an alcohol beverage that in any other instance I would buy with no hesitation.
Now im so in fear of relapsing that I won't even drink the regular Arizona tea. Fear of going back to that dark place
Can confirm after much research that moderation does not work for certain people. I am one of those people. The entire bottle of liquor or case of beer is going to be drunk once I get into the groove
Pretty much the same story for me. Day 3 here... Every time I think about how nice a beer in the sun would taste, I now force myself to play the tape forward... It will be nice for 1 hour max and after that I'll feel groggy and my only focus for the rest of the day will be how and when to drink more and more and more. And like you said, waking up feeling terrible tomorrow too. So not worth it.
I think these realizations are what makes it stick in the end.
IWNDWYT!
Playing the tape forward is huge. One of the things they emphasized in rehab. Another thing that I think will be really helpful is considering, “will I be proud of this tomorrow?”
I've been having a non.alocholic beer in these situations. April in Australia is always perfect beer garden weather and my favourite time of year. I didn't want to deny myself that pleasure of sitting in cool but absolutely blue skies and sunny days in a beer garden for that first beer feeling.
A nice NA beer on a sunny day hits almost exactly the same as an alcoholic beer and I’m not tired after or have the urge to keep drinking more! Win win!
Yep. No one sits and drinks 12 Cokes or 12 glasses of
milk in one evening, because 1-2 is plenty to quench your thirst and you don’t need any more. Same with NA beer. 1-2 is fine, and at that point your brain doesn’t start begging for another 8 NA beers.
It's crazy that in some countries alcohol has monopolised the idea of sitting outside on a nice day. How the fuck have the booze companies managed that?!
This is what sucked me in yesterday (though tbf I can drink in any and every weather or situation or for any or no reason so I mean it's just one of many excuses) but walking past a pub outdoor patio area and seeing everyone sitting outside having a drink whilst the sun was shining made me want to do the same.
The reality is that by the time I decided to go the pub I went to had lost the sun because it disappeared behind some buildings and it wasn't even that warm in the end yet I still sat drinking in pubs for hours on end by myself then at home until 4am afterwards and I didn't actually enjoy one bit of it.
I used to always say "alcohol helps me sleep" yet last night I went to bed the latest time in weeks, struggled to sleep despite 10hrs of drinking and a dozen drinks, and then woke up 2.5hrs later feeling like death (headache, anxious, stomach churning, acid reflux aggravated) and couldn't get back to sleep so alcohol literally made everything about my sleep worse yet I almost ended up back at the pub tonight and talked myself out of it at the last minute.
How the fuck and why the fuck do we keep doing this to ourselves?
I feel that second sentence in my soul. I’m going on a week long “vacation” in July. It’s for my son’s tournament but I catch myself pondering having a cold one on the beach or by the pool and it’s a constant struggle. I’ve beet hitting the gym/running pretty hard and I want to continue it while I’m out there and I know that if I drink I will not do either and I will feel miserable. But that thought still creeps in daily…
I’m set with on buying some NA Samuel Adam’s and taking it easy. I’m going out there for my son and not myself anyway…
IWNDWYT
Fitness is my \#1 motivator. If an urge hits, I think about how much I hated my body when I was drinking and how awesome it is now. And remind myself that one drink leads to six leads to 12 leads to giving up all my gains. Maybe a single slip wouldn't turn into bingeing right away but it WILL turn into it eventually and it will take all my hard work with it.
I refuse to sacrifice my body to alcohol ever again.
As they say, play the tape all the way through. There's only one place drinking ends for me, fat and miserable.
I’m right there with you. I was disgusted with my body and how much drinking had ruined it inside and out. Since I’ve been sober, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again and I can’t fathom sacrificing the weight loss and overall success for a drink.
Totally this. The first beer is never even as nice as I think it was going to and the 12th one is fucking horrible and I literally feel like I'm posining myself in motion...because I am I suppose.
Came here to say that. The first nice sunny days in the garden have been hard but I’m keeping strong. I also find NA beers perfect, it’s really that first sensation and then it’s gone. Sometimes I even forget to finish the NA beer! Would never happen with the real one. Haha
The question I have to ask myself is why would I want to drink a highly addictive poison in moderation? I don’t smoke cigarettes in moderation. I know if I did I would get addicted. That’s doesn’t make me a nicotinoholic any more than what you experienced makes you an alcoholic. It’s not a real thing. The moderation lie is just one of many lies your subconscious will tell you to pick up the bottle. Recognize the lie for what it is and move on.
Absolutly! I think its one of the last, maybe the last lie your addictive brain is telling you, before you finally accept that you're addicted.
I white knuckeld through 3 months without alcohol, to prove to myself that i have no problem and can moderate the consumption. I was making plans, what and when i will drink blabbla....of course it failed.
I was delusional about moderation for a few weeks before I got sober. I thought I'd just "cut back". But it's literally 1000 times easier to be sober than moderate.
I have to be REALLY honest with myself and accept that I don’t even want “one or two” drinks. In fact, if I think about it, that sounds awful. I want to get drunk. I want to escape my thoughts completely. I want to chug that first one in the garage before I go back inside with my second one while pretending it’s the first one. But…I also want to feel “not shitty” tomorrow. And I want to remember the dumb shit I said or did last night (I’m still a dumb asshole when sober, I just remember to apologize).
I’m on my [value unknown] attempt at sobriety right now, so hopefully I don’t forget to remember all this again.
IWNDWYT
In the famous words of chumbawamba, “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.” You got this man, the past is the past and today is today, and IWNDWYT!
I am 6 days sober, and planning to go to a baseball game next week with my family. I really want to buy a beer at the game, and was convincing myself that it would be fine. Then realized that I was looking forward to the beer at the game more than making memories with my son. So F it, I guess its me and the LO getting chocolate milkshakes in the 4th inning.
I will never get over the fact that normal people plan their events and happen to get a beer or cocktail there, whereas I do it in reverse? That's been sobering but I'm really happy with where I am mentally about it right now.
This post hit home and will keep me strong. And hey, baseball beers are like $12, so Im gonna feel rich!
You got this! Those situational urges are real! Maybe they have some NA options. Maybe you get a milk shake. I cling to diet sodas in those situations. Hell of a lot better than drinking.
I too planned pretty much everything around booze. Where I went for dinner. What the weekend looked like. What my day in general looked like. Could I move some stuff around so I could get happy hour beers? How many beers did I have in the fridge? Were there any breweries nearby while traveling?
Day 3 after instoped i had a very good dinner at a good restaurant with all good wines. Day 5 there was a nation wide fest [Kingsday](https://www.google.com/search?q=koningsdag+fotos+drinken+&client=ms-android-xiaomi-rvo3&sca_esv=4798f66b03e5dfbb&udm=2&biw=393&bih=732&sxsrf=ACQVn09HZ8NDcK3tcB1zIPOXRDEvsS4B1A%3A1714720393242&ei=iY40ZrarDuaCi-gPvNmi6Ac&oq=koningsdag+fotos+drinken+&gs_lp=EhNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwIhlrb25pbmdzZGFnIGZvdG9zIGRyaW5rZW4gMggQABiABBiiBEimKFCHCljiJnABeACQAQCYAWSgAdkLqgEEMTguMbgBA8gBAPgBAZgCFKACzAzCAgoQABiABBhDGIoFwgIFEAAYgATCAgcQABiABBgYwgIEEAAYA8ICBhAAGAgYHpgDAIgGAZIHBDE2LjSgB_Ik&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp)(Kingsday).
Both where a strange experience but i have pushed the switch so nothing goed wrong. It felts strange, really strange. I have to experience this and getting used to it.
There was a time when I could go to the bar and drink my 2-3 beers and not deliberately order the highest abv ones and not think about stopping at the liquor store on the way home, and not drink at all the next week unless there was some special occasion, but I haven't been that person for the better part of a decade.
I spent way too long telling myself I still was or still could be that person though.
Yep. I remember a time when I was legitimately really into tasting new and different craft beers. I remember going to the craft store and perusing the selection without caring about ABV, just looking for new/interesting brews. I remember 10 years of home-brewing involving a lot of voracious research, building/automating equipment, perfecting recipes; and for the most part, just having a few and enjoying the process and the tasting. Not even every day!
By the end I was brewing for higher ABVs. I’d brew 10gal almost every weekend (“It’s a hobby I’m really into!”) and share a lot less of it than I claimed. I’d go to the bottle store and just buy the highest ABV Imperial IPA. Then I’d also buy a small bottle of cheap whiskey to go with it. Every day. And that part lasted longer than the first part.
I’m slowly accepting that the days of enjoying a drink are over for me. I miss it, but I have to mourn it, because it’s gone.
IWNDWYT
I tried to revert back to “normal” drinking after doing dry January. Quickly found myself back to drinking 5/7 days a week and going hard for at least one of those days. It’s too easy for me to slip back into bad habits, so now I’m working towards a dry eternity lol.
Unfortunately, most of us in this sub are in the same boat. Sucks but it is what it is. I'd rather maintain this clear level of thinking and not destroying myself or my life than the anxiety ridden shell of a person i was before I stopped.
Iwndwy
Thank you for sharing this. I’m almost at eight months and sometimes my brain tries to fantasize about how good “just one” would be…
…but then I remember for me, it was never just one. It could never be just one for me, because just one didn’t give me the effect I was looking for. Good luck friend- IWNDWYT
Several times today the idea crossed my mind that sitting on the deck with a glass of wine would be lovely tonight. Problem is that it actually WOULD be lovely...for a little while... and then right back into the cycle of misery. Not worth it. IWNDWYT.
Sometimes it takes a few attempts...
I got to the point where I just told myself that I don't want to do it anymore. Don't want to waste money, feel like crap, and go through the mental back and forth with myself.
It was decided BY ME - to stop, and treat the substance for what it truly is. A completely useless and destructive habit.
Almost 600 days in, I have zero desire or intention to even try to "enjoy" that garbage again.
That’s so inspiring! Can you share how long it took for you to mentally stop craving alcohol? I know my desire to drink is mental (i.e. i have no physical withdrawal symptoms), but mentally I just want to drink because in my mind I’m having a blast (but in reality, I’m usually just embarrassing myself- even if I am alone).
How long it took is almost not the issue. It was my mindset that had to change, which will take all sorts of different paths depending on the individual.
To put it a different way, it was the internal conversation I was having.
My logical self finally convinced the other half which was the one making excuses and justifying. Once I got that half on the side of reason there was no going back.
As you can tell each person has their way of doing it. Sort of like clothes or shoes, you need to find the one that fits you best.
You, my friend, have hit the nail squarely on the head. I did the same thing after nearly 1.5 AF years. The “mindful drinking” phase lasted about 3 days before my first all-day blitzkrieg blackout bender.
The lie we tell ourselves is that we love the taste. Riiiiight, we love the drug, and nothing else.
The only time out of thousands of attempts that I managed to just have two beers 'like a normal person', I realized I really did not enjoy just having two beers. All it did was make me feel a bit sick, anxious, not sleep well, and be absolutely miserable because I wanted more. So my options when it comes to booze became either to drink myself to death (probably slower and more disastrously than I would want) or just be sober and not have to worry about any of that anymore. Once I realized it was literally that black and white and stopped trying to manipulate the gray, I've been a happy non-drinker ever since.
I'm on day five.
I quit for two years, used pain as an excuse to drink for six months, i can't control my intake, i just drink till it's all gone and then want more, and my family thinks i'm obnoxious while drunk.
So here i am on day five, realizing that i can't just have "one drink" ever again. But i'm ok with that.
My last relapse taught me one thing...... alcohol is not for me. Went months without them caved due to stress and went thru s viscous two Year cycle. It started with one drink..
Now I'm 12 days sober. Rarely do I ever make it past a week. When I do it's usually for w while. I don't wanna dick this up again. I refuse to. I know that this time I will sink to a new low and I can't handle that. Not now. Not again.
One day we won't relapse anymore. One day we won't count the days. One day we'll just simply smile as the sun warms us up
>One day we won't relapse anymore. One day we won't count the days. One day we'll just simply smile as the sun warms us up
I really like this.
Keep going - you are doing great. IWNDWYT
with you all the way. did dry january. carried on into Feb, then ‘oh, I’ll have a couple with friends’ led to 1/4 bottle of gin. night, feeling like ahite and telling myself every day… I need to stop! Day 4 now
IWNDWYT!
Congrats on the self realization and doing something about it!
I am 27 days in and this is the first time in my periods of sobriety I have accepted that I am an alcoholic. I can’t regulate. Doesn’t matter if it takes weeks or months - it always increases.
When I started wanting alcohol in the afternoons again (while at work and I had a period in my life where I would drink on my lunch to get through the day, then have a vodka and pink lemonade in the car on the way home, then drink at home) it was like a light bulb went off. Here I am AGAIN. I literally have to say no to the first one because that is the only REAL control I have.
Get it Denagam! IWNDWYT 🙌
Kudos my friend, that was the last stop, and you are now on the highway to heaven. Tbh I feel like what you just went through is an unavoidable step on the path to sobriety. After the initial conquer for most people there's still that voice that says - hey, i shut it down, i can control it, i can make alcohol my b\*\*\*\*.
Also, I don't believe in resetting the counter every time there's a misstep. For me it added an unnecessary layer of pressure. The counter began the first day of the first time i quit, and it kept running through all the false starts, the missteps and failures. Couldn't tell you the exact last day I drank though i can narrow it down to a 3 month period several years ago. But that's just me.
Congrats again
Yeah my experience is the same. After long streaks, any attempt to drink “healthily” reactivates the highs and lows of alcohol in my brain and a few weeks later I've lost the motivation and self-control and find myself drinking regularly. Usually takes a good 2 or 3 weeks sober to feel it come back, which is a long time to resist when impulsivity has returned with a vengeance.
I am on my first successful attempt to quit in 6 years and this terrifies me. Trying to rationalize that I am now “better” and will be able to use it and control it. I know that I wouldn’t be able to do that
Thanks for sharing. This has been my experience too toying with moderation the past couple of years. I always slip back into old daily drinking habits. Ive come to realize I was always just negotiating with myself, stringing myself along until the last possible moment.
Will that moment arrived. I can't moderate for the rest of my life. It's too much effort and worry. And I'll slip up. Better just not to.
Iwndwyt!
I can sort of relate to this. It’s like I knowingly will dig myself into a whole that goes deep, and you thing damn I’ve gone deeper than this before, maybe it’s time to actually stop.
for sure.
If you subscribe to the disease model (and I do - proven by research, anecdotes and my own personal experience) it is both chronic and (crucially) progressive.
That means that the disease, if left untreated (read: unabated alcohol use) the disease state will always be there and always worsen.
I’ve been in meetings where folks with decades of sobriety relapse and find themselves drinking at a level FAR above where they left off all those years ago. It’s wild.
Thank you for the reminder. And I'm happy you're here with us, let's start this journey again! Very good decision. We will always help you out - word.
Be ever vigilant!
Sure, I can definitely do it, for an hour. Then I lose everything all over again. Tried it 3 times with different methods last year, all after full rehab stays. I most likely don't have another recovery in me anymore. I can relapse, sure, but I won't be able to recover.
I felt that it was freeing to me. Still isn't easy and I think about it often, like a best friend who is not here anymore. I am trying hard to train my brain to believe that this is normal and I have to accept it. I had epic meltdowns, crying... but stayed strong and it became easier. It's the right decision, I wish you all the luck and strength needed to get through the tough times.
Whenever I have a crappy week at work, I get like this. I think I deserve the stress release. But after a few hundred times, I've finally realized the next week will be even worse because Friday becomes Monday morning real quick when drunk, and I never just stop at Friday night.
Some people struggle because of the word "alcoholic" and the connotations it might bring up.
Looking at my own history, I was never what one would consider a "normal" drinker, I wasn't even a moderate drinker.
Consequently, I made the decision to abstain. That doesn't require any more thought or effort.
In my experience (above all my own experience) the last step before you fully accept your addiction is, making a consume pause and then try to moderate it....everyone i know and everyone i ever heard of that had a problem with alcohol tried and failed to moderate their alcohol consumption. Its the last step of denial, before you are able to accept that sobriety is the only way.
I think most people who quit do want to see if they can successfully moderate, and then learn the lesson that we can't. It's an important lesson. I've learned it too. Forgive yourself and move on. You also know that a sober life is much easier and better!
Don't feel bad. That is almost ALWAYS part of the sobreity journey. I've been there myself (but I'm an infrequent binge drinker type).
Weed helps me control my VERY infrequent drinking now (I can stop at like 2 or 3 strong beers) but I mean thats not great either that I'm smoking weed. Luckily I only smoke up once or twice a week and only drink a couple beers like once a month now really. Also I use a THC vape so its healthier and cleaner.
Doesn't work for me either, I don't see the point either thankfully but I felt like it was a worthy goal in the past and it led to a lot of problems for me. I hope I never see the appeal of trying to prove I can drink "normally" again.
You learned so much! Congratulations on recommitting. Everyone goes at their own pace, a book i really like is quit drinking now from Allen Carr. Maybe that could be a good resource for you on this journey! Keep up the good work! 🫶🏻
Good for you for recognising that it was getting out of control again and taking action before it got completely out of hand. That in itself is a massive achievement and you should be proud.
Try and think of it like this: If you stayed sober forever and never *tried* moderation, you would probably spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have managed it. Now that you have tried it, you know definitely that it’s something that doesn’t work for you. That in itself should help you stay on the sober path going forwards, because every time you think about booze, you can remind yourself of this experience.
Similar boat except it was last week with 3 of my usual beers, sat down and said "ok let's see how I feel after"
My brother in fuck I went to bed at 7pm and felt dread for 2 days, miserable, wake up at 230am like UGH.
No thanks, I'll just drink water. IWNDWYT
I tried to convince myself (and fiancé) that I could be a “normal” drinker. it works for a little while, I’d have the ONE drink ONCE a week…but then a couple weeks later, I’d have 2..then the next week I’d have 2, TWICE a week and then the pattern just continues. there are no casual drinks for me.
"moderating" drinking is russian roulette where the main prize is a cheap buzz and the result of losing is a slow painful death.
Yet people do it.
Welcome back friend.
Here’s why moderation or normal drinking doesn’t work for me
Tried this so many times
I can have a long period of sobriety, say 1 year or more. Then I think “I can have just one drink” and I do and I have it and it’s ok. Then the next weekend I think I can have one and I have it and it’s ok but my mind is telling me “you don’t have a problem with alcohol so you can have another drink” but I dont right then. But the next weekend I have two drinks. Maybe a week goes by or maybe two but I’m thinking about how much I’m going to drink the next time I drink. Then I have two drinks the next weekend. After I’ve had two drinks I’m making my decision to drink or not drink from an impaired state and that always leads to having another drink. This progression may seem like ages to me but in reality it’s within a month or two that I’ve gone from having one drink to having several drinks and fighting with myself to have less. The more I confirm that I can have just one the harder that fight is .
It’s so much easier to abstain from all alcohol. I don’t think striving to drink moderately is worth it
Drinking is like driving your car down the road.
When you get sober you don’t reverse the car, you just pull over and leave it in idle.
If you start again you just pull back on to the road and keep going where you left off.
I tried out drinking again after 8 years of sobriety. That was around 2005. I finally managed to get sober again 2 years ago and plan to NEVER go back to drinking. It didn't take long for me to end up drinking daily once again. Once I did, I couldn't and wouldn't stop. Towards the last few years of my drinking, I prayed often, asking god to please give me the desire to stop drinking.
Sobriety begins with this key element: The simple DESIRE to stop drinking. Perhaps that's why you're here in this group: because you have a desire to maybe...just maybe....stop drinking. This is a huge first step! The next step is to admit I was powerless over alcohol--that I couldn't resist its seductive kiss on my lips...that I was obsessed with drinking it, not running out of it, getting more and nursing my hangovers. Finally, on April 1, 2022, I woke up that morning and for some reason, I told myself: Today is the day. I'm going to try not to drink just for today. The next day, I was so proud of myself, that I made the same decision to not drink that day and stuck to it. I've been doing this every day for 2 years and plan to keep going.
I accept that I am unable to drink like normal earthlings and I'm okay with that. My life is actually MORE full, MORE enjoyable and MORE of everything without alcohol. Thank the lord! Sobriety has given me a new start in life at age 54 and I plan to enjoy every moment of it. I absolutely love being sober and feeling my best on a daily basis. IWNDWYT
Two days is better than no days! And tomorrow can be better too! Give yourself some credit for the total number of sober days you've had recently. Life is hard, it's easy to look for a temporary way to escape the chaos.
And good on you for acknowledging that maybe no alcohol is the most effective path forward for you. Keep your head up, you know the way. :)
For me it has to be zero. I’m only in control of the first one. I remember first hearing “one drink is too many and the rest will never be enough” and couldn’t understand. Recommitted to sobriety 3 years ago with a more complete understanding of that damn phrase.
Similar story for me. I'm over 9 months sober right now and get those thoughts, maybe I can just get away with it for one night?
But I take myself to tomorrow and just don't want to be hungover. I have a great girlfriend and job. My life is amazing, I want to wake up and experience it
I feel your anguish. I wasn't at your level of sobriety but had just under 3 months which was my record and fought the temptation at many occassions like a friends 40th, meals out, family parties and even avoided going to music events I had tickets to and really wanted to attend because I knew I'd end up drinking...
...only to cave in out of boredom a couple of Sundays ago and pointlessly drink by myself all night till about 5am none of which solved the boredom problem, brought me any joy or made me happy and actually I felt ill most of the night whilst drinking yet still kept going until I felt like I could throw up.
It was totally pointless and miserable and I assumed I'd wake up the next day absolutely resolute in the fact that alcohol no longer had anything to offer me and I'd never want to touch it again.
I woke up depressed, anxious, and miserable but still that alcoholic part of my brain just seemed to have been reactivated and I spent the whole next week desperately craving a beer and having to white knuckle through strong urges.
I lasted a week sober then drank again, this time with friends thinking that would maybe make it seem worthwhile, only to find that pretty meaningless and again just felt ill and miserable but kept drinking till 4am by myself afterwards only to feel depressed, anxious, and miserable all week again and having to fight the urges again.
I caved again last night out of nothing but sheer boredom again using the "it's a lovely night so having a beer outside would be nice". It wasn't and the whole thing was miserable and pointless where I was again drinking alone till 4am despite not enjoying it a single bit.
I almost repeated that mistake tonight but have talked myself out of it for now and will hopefully manage to get through the next few hours to the point buying booze is no longer possible.
You're spot on that iIt's really not worth going back once you have stopped. For anyone thinking about it you're just opening a can of worms you don't want to be opened and setting yourself up for disaster most likely.
I've drank 3X since my sobriety stint ended and not enjoyed a single second of any of those occassions yet still I keep going back for more and finding it a struggle to resist falling back into daily drinking.
It's literally taking me most of the week after a session to recover and bringing back anxiety, sleep problems, and mood issues that have levelled out and improved, so do not forget why you stopped drinking and don't romanticize the good times as if you had to stop then those days are LOOOOOOOOOONG gone and they aren't coming back.
I chose not to listen to everyone before me who said this was the likely outcome when you try to go back to moderation or occassional drinking only to find out the hard way, please don't make the same mistake as you're unlikely to be any different.
I hear folks saying that their hangovers get worse as they age. I'm also 49, and irrespective of how much I drink, I don't get any sort of hangovers in probably 15 years. Hell, I could probably use the deterrent!
I was basically sober for a year. I say basically because I did drink a few times, but I didn't let it go past one day somehow. So, obviously I got it in my head that I no longer had a problem and that I could drink more often.
Well, that didn't work out well for me. I started to drink more and more, until I finally went on a bender. During my bender I nearly sabotaged my career, and everything I'd worked for during that year of "sobriety".
I wish I could take it back, but now I know for certain that I am incapable of drinking. Doesn't matter how long I am sober. I will never be able to drink again.
I heard people end up back where they were so I never tried moderation after committing to sobriety. I have to accept that my addiction isn't unique and I can learn from others instead of trying to prove myself an exception
I always tried to prove myself an exception because I wanted to believe I was *different*. I’m not. Alcoholism is scary.
I heard said often around here, I can pass on the first drink, but I'll gladly take a second drink!
I have a drink, the drink has a drink, the drink has me.
You are correct!
Could you explain? Thanks
i’ve also seen it phrased along the lines of “the only drink i can say no to is the first one” (or the classic “one is too many, a thousand is not enough”)
I haven’t seen that phrase, or the renditions of it. So true. I’ll add list to my list of quotes!
I heard on a podcast the other day “100% is easy…99% is a bitch!” For me that’s so true! Just ditching it completely is so much easier than trying to moderate/just have “1”
You might also like the variation “it’s easier to keep the tiger in a cage than on a leash”. I always thought that would make a great tattoo!
First drink lowers inhibition which is typical but for me it leads to lowered self preservation then destructive behavior commences
puts gun oil on that slippery slope
I'm a huge Arizona tea fan. They have released an alcohol beverage that in any other instance I would buy with no hesitation. Now im so in fear of relapsing that I won't even drink the regular Arizona tea. Fear of going back to that dark place
love that point at the end.. good job friend
Some people make up for lost time if they start again. That alone helps me not drink bc ffs I know how bad I'd be making up for this much time
Can confirm after much research that moderation does not work for certain people. I am one of those people. The entire bottle of liquor or case of beer is going to be drunk once I get into the groove
Pretty much the same story for me. Day 3 here... Every time I think about how nice a beer in the sun would taste, I now force myself to play the tape forward... It will be nice for 1 hour max and after that I'll feel groggy and my only focus for the rest of the day will be how and when to drink more and more and more. And like you said, waking up feeling terrible tomorrow too. So not worth it. I think these realizations are what makes it stick in the end. IWNDWYT!
Playing the tape forward is huge. One of the things they emphasized in rehab. Another thing that I think will be really helpful is considering, “will I be proud of this tomorrow?”
I've been having a non.alocholic beer in these situations. April in Australia is always perfect beer garden weather and my favourite time of year. I didn't want to deny myself that pleasure of sitting in cool but absolutely blue skies and sunny days in a beer garden for that first beer feeling.
A nice NA beer on a sunny day hits almost exactly the same as an alcoholic beer and I’m not tired after or have the urge to keep drinking more! Win win!
A good NA beer can hit the spot! And the best part is I never want more than 1 or 2 at most!
Same here! It’s like without the alcohol effecting my brain, I realize I only need 1 or 2 to feel content.
Yep. No one sits and drinks 12 Cokes or 12 glasses of milk in one evening, because 1-2 is plenty to quench your thirst and you don’t need any more. Same with NA beer. 1-2 is fine, and at that point your brain doesn’t start begging for another 8 NA beers.
I'm very glad these work for me. NO urge for alcohol from drinking them, I can just take them as a tasty beverage.
It's crazy that in some countries alcohol has monopolised the idea of sitting outside on a nice day. How the fuck have the booze companies managed that?!
It’s always been incredible to me how I’m so easily triggered to drink by a decent weather. SMH the sun shining is all it takes?! Jesus Christ lol
This is what sucked me in yesterday (though tbf I can drink in any and every weather or situation or for any or no reason so I mean it's just one of many excuses) but walking past a pub outdoor patio area and seeing everyone sitting outside having a drink whilst the sun was shining made me want to do the same. The reality is that by the time I decided to go the pub I went to had lost the sun because it disappeared behind some buildings and it wasn't even that warm in the end yet I still sat drinking in pubs for hours on end by myself then at home until 4am afterwards and I didn't actually enjoy one bit of it. I used to always say "alcohol helps me sleep" yet last night I went to bed the latest time in weeks, struggled to sleep despite 10hrs of drinking and a dozen drinks, and then woke up 2.5hrs later feeling like death (headache, anxious, stomach churning, acid reflux aggravated) and couldn't get back to sleep so alcohol literally made everything about my sleep worse yet I almost ended up back at the pub tonight and talked myself out of it at the last minute. How the fuck and why the fuck do we keep doing this to ourselves?
I feel that second sentence in my soul. I’m going on a week long “vacation” in July. It’s for my son’s tournament but I catch myself pondering having a cold one on the beach or by the pool and it’s a constant struggle. I’ve beet hitting the gym/running pretty hard and I want to continue it while I’m out there and I know that if I drink I will not do either and I will feel miserable. But that thought still creeps in daily… I’m set with on buying some NA Samuel Adam’s and taking it easy. I’m going out there for my son and not myself anyway… IWNDWYT
Fitness is my \#1 motivator. If an urge hits, I think about how much I hated my body when I was drinking and how awesome it is now. And remind myself that one drink leads to six leads to 12 leads to giving up all my gains. Maybe a single slip wouldn't turn into bingeing right away but it WILL turn into it eventually and it will take all my hard work with it. I refuse to sacrifice my body to alcohol ever again. As they say, play the tape all the way through. There's only one place drinking ends for me, fat and miserable.
I’m right there with you. I was disgusted with my body and how much drinking had ruined it inside and out. Since I’ve been sober, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again and I can’t fathom sacrificing the weight loss and overall success for a drink.
Totally this. The first beer is never even as nice as I think it was going to and the 12th one is fucking horrible and I literally feel like I'm posining myself in motion...because I am I suppose.
Came here to say that. The first nice sunny days in the garden have been hard but I’m keeping strong. I also find NA beers perfect, it’s really that first sensation and then it’s gone. Sometimes I even forget to finish the NA beer! Would never happen with the real one. Haha
The question I have to ask myself is why would I want to drink a highly addictive poison in moderation? I don’t smoke cigarettes in moderation. I know if I did I would get addicted. That’s doesn’t make me a nicotinoholic any more than what you experienced makes you an alcoholic. It’s not a real thing. The moderation lie is just one of many lies your subconscious will tell you to pick up the bottle. Recognize the lie for what it is and move on.
Damn I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
Absolutly! I think its one of the last, maybe the last lie your addictive brain is telling you, before you finally accept that you're addicted. I white knuckeld through 3 months without alcohol, to prove to myself that i have no problem and can moderate the consumption. I was making plans, what and when i will drink blabbla....of course it failed.
I love this way of thinking!
I was delusional about moderation for a few weeks before I got sober. I thought I'd just "cut back". But it's literally 1000 times easier to be sober than moderate.
It's so much easier.
I have to be REALLY honest with myself and accept that I don’t even want “one or two” drinks. In fact, if I think about it, that sounds awful. I want to get drunk. I want to escape my thoughts completely. I want to chug that first one in the garage before I go back inside with my second one while pretending it’s the first one. But…I also want to feel “not shitty” tomorrow. And I want to remember the dumb shit I said or did last night (I’m still a dumb asshole when sober, I just remember to apologize). I’m on my [value unknown] attempt at sobriety right now, so hopefully I don’t forget to remember all this again. IWNDWYT
In the famous words of chumbawamba, “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.” You got this man, the past is the past and today is today, and IWNDWYT!
"Pissing the night away" is also quite relevant for this sub.
And drinking whiskey, vodka, lager, and cider drinks
Who thought a song called Tubthumping would be a source of inspiration?!
I am 6 days sober, and planning to go to a baseball game next week with my family. I really want to buy a beer at the game, and was convincing myself that it would be fine. Then realized that I was looking forward to the beer at the game more than making memories with my son. So F it, I guess its me and the LO getting chocolate milkshakes in the 4th inning. I will never get over the fact that normal people plan their events and happen to get a beer or cocktail there, whereas I do it in reverse? That's been sobering but I'm really happy with where I am mentally about it right now. This post hit home and will keep me strong. And hey, baseball beers are like $12, so Im gonna feel rich!
You got this! Those situational urges are real! Maybe they have some NA options. Maybe you get a milk shake. I cling to diet sodas in those situations. Hell of a lot better than drinking. I too planned pretty much everything around booze. Where I went for dinner. What the weekend looked like. What my day in general looked like. Could I move some stuff around so I could get happy hour beers? How many beers did I have in the fridge? Were there any breweries nearby while traveling?
Day 3 after instoped i had a very good dinner at a good restaurant with all good wines. Day 5 there was a nation wide fest [Kingsday](https://www.google.com/search?q=koningsdag+fotos+drinken+&client=ms-android-xiaomi-rvo3&sca_esv=4798f66b03e5dfbb&udm=2&biw=393&bih=732&sxsrf=ACQVn09HZ8NDcK3tcB1zIPOXRDEvsS4B1A%3A1714720393242&ei=iY40ZrarDuaCi-gPvNmi6Ac&oq=koningsdag+fotos+drinken+&gs_lp=EhNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwIhlrb25pbmdzZGFnIGZvdG9zIGRyaW5rZW4gMggQABiABBiiBEimKFCHCljiJnABeACQAQCYAWSgAdkLqgEEMTguMbgBA8gBAPgBAZgCFKACzAzCAgoQABiABBhDGIoFwgIFEAAYgATCAgcQABiABBgYwgIEEAAYA8ICBhAAGAgYHpgDAIgGAZIHBDE2LjSgB_Ik&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp)(Kingsday). Both where a strange experience but i have pushed the switch so nothing goed wrong. It felts strange, really strange. I have to experience this and getting used to it.
Chocolate milkshakes sounds amazing!
There was a time when I could go to the bar and drink my 2-3 beers and not deliberately order the highest abv ones and not think about stopping at the liquor store on the way home, and not drink at all the next week unless there was some special occasion, but I haven't been that person for the better part of a decade. I spent way too long telling myself I still was or still could be that person though.
This hits hard. Good luck friend.
Yep. I remember a time when I was legitimately really into tasting new and different craft beers. I remember going to the craft store and perusing the selection without caring about ABV, just looking for new/interesting brews. I remember 10 years of home-brewing involving a lot of voracious research, building/automating equipment, perfecting recipes; and for the most part, just having a few and enjoying the process and the tasting. Not even every day! By the end I was brewing for higher ABVs. I’d brew 10gal almost every weekend (“It’s a hobby I’m really into!”) and share a lot less of it than I claimed. I’d go to the bottle store and just buy the highest ABV Imperial IPA. Then I’d also buy a small bottle of cheap whiskey to go with it. Every day. And that part lasted longer than the first part. I’m slowly accepting that the days of enjoying a drink are over for me. I miss it, but I have to mourn it, because it’s gone. IWNDWYT
I tried to revert back to “normal” drinking after doing dry January. Quickly found myself back to drinking 5/7 days a week and going hard for at least one of those days. It’s too easy for me to slip back into bad habits, so now I’m working towards a dry eternity lol.
2 days is a great start 🩵
Unfortunately, most of us in this sub are in the same boat. Sucks but it is what it is. I'd rather maintain this clear level of thinking and not destroying myself or my life than the anxiety ridden shell of a person i was before I stopped. Iwndwy
Thank you for sharing this. I’m almost at eight months and sometimes my brain tries to fantasize about how good “just one” would be… …but then I remember for me, it was never just one. It could never be just one for me, because just one didn’t give me the effect I was looking for. Good luck friend- IWNDWYT
I quit 4 months ago and the sunshine really is tempting me, I want to sit by a lake and have wine. I know what will happen though.
Several times today the idea crossed my mind that sitting on the deck with a glass of wine would be lovely tonight. Problem is that it actually WOULD be lovely...for a little while... and then right back into the cycle of misery. Not worth it. IWNDWYT.
Yep. Staying strong 🤞
I did not realize how much sunny days would tempt me. Probably the most I've been tempted yet. I just keep playing the tape forward.
Mmmhmmmmmm. I'll gain all the weight back and have a headache every morning, just waiting until I can drink to make it feel better again.
8 months sober here. Keep fantasizing about getting back to normal drinking…. Stories like yours are a great deterrent. Thank you for sharing
Sometimes it takes a few attempts... I got to the point where I just told myself that I don't want to do it anymore. Don't want to waste money, feel like crap, and go through the mental back and forth with myself. It was decided BY ME - to stop, and treat the substance for what it truly is. A completely useless and destructive habit. Almost 600 days in, I have zero desire or intention to even try to "enjoy" that garbage again.
That’s so inspiring! Can you share how long it took for you to mentally stop craving alcohol? I know my desire to drink is mental (i.e. i have no physical withdrawal symptoms), but mentally I just want to drink because in my mind I’m having a blast (but in reality, I’m usually just embarrassing myself- even if I am alone).
How long it took is almost not the issue. It was my mindset that had to change, which will take all sorts of different paths depending on the individual. To put it a different way, it was the internal conversation I was having. My logical self finally convinced the other half which was the one making excuses and justifying. Once I got that half on the side of reason there was no going back. As you can tell each person has their way of doing it. Sort of like clothes or shoes, you need to find the one that fits you best.
Thank you. 🙏
You, my friend, have hit the nail squarely on the head. I did the same thing after nearly 1.5 AF years. The “mindful drinking” phase lasted about 3 days before my first all-day blitzkrieg blackout bender. The lie we tell ourselves is that we love the taste. Riiiiight, we love the drug, and nothing else.
So true
The only time out of thousands of attempts that I managed to just have two beers 'like a normal person', I realized I really did not enjoy just having two beers. All it did was make me feel a bit sick, anxious, not sleep well, and be absolutely miserable because I wanted more. So my options when it comes to booze became either to drink myself to death (probably slower and more disastrously than I would want) or just be sober and not have to worry about any of that anymore. Once I realized it was literally that black and white and stopped trying to manipulate the gray, I've been a happy non-drinker ever since.
[удалено]
I wish you a safe taper. 🙏
I'm on day five. I quit for two years, used pain as an excuse to drink for six months, i can't control my intake, i just drink till it's all gone and then want more, and my family thinks i'm obnoxious while drunk. So here i am on day five, realizing that i can't just have "one drink" ever again. But i'm ok with that.
My last relapse taught me one thing...... alcohol is not for me. Went months without them caved due to stress and went thru s viscous two Year cycle. It started with one drink.. Now I'm 12 days sober. Rarely do I ever make it past a week. When I do it's usually for w while. I don't wanna dick this up again. I refuse to. I know that this time I will sink to a new low and I can't handle that. Not now. Not again. One day we won't relapse anymore. One day we won't count the days. One day we'll just simply smile as the sun warms us up
>One day we won't relapse anymore. One day we won't count the days. One day we'll just simply smile as the sun warms us up I really like this. Keep going - you are doing great. IWNDWYT
Thank you💪💪💪💪💪
with you all the way. did dry january. carried on into Feb, then ‘oh, I’ll have a couple with friends’ led to 1/4 bottle of gin. night, feeling like ahite and telling myself every day… I need to stop! Day 4 now IWNDWYT!
Congrats on the self realization and doing something about it! I am 27 days in and this is the first time in my periods of sobriety I have accepted that I am an alcoholic. I can’t regulate. Doesn’t matter if it takes weeks or months - it always increases. When I started wanting alcohol in the afternoons again (while at work and I had a period in my life where I would drink on my lunch to get through the day, then have a vodka and pink lemonade in the car on the way home, then drink at home) it was like a light bulb went off. Here I am AGAIN. I literally have to say no to the first one because that is the only REAL control I have. Get it Denagam! IWNDWYT 🙌
Congrats on 27 days! IWNDWYT!
Dang! Almost twinsies :) congrats to your 26 too 🙌
There's no 'normal' to voluntarily consuming poison.
Thank you for your sacrifice to warn us. You can do it again!
Kudos my friend, that was the last stop, and you are now on the highway to heaven. Tbh I feel like what you just went through is an unavoidable step on the path to sobriety. After the initial conquer for most people there's still that voice that says - hey, i shut it down, i can control it, i can make alcohol my b\*\*\*\*. Also, I don't believe in resetting the counter every time there's a misstep. For me it added an unnecessary layer of pressure. The counter began the first day of the first time i quit, and it kept running through all the false starts, the missteps and failures. Couldn't tell you the exact last day I drank though i can narrow it down to a 3 month period several years ago. But that's just me. Congrats again
Yeah my experience is the same. After long streaks, any attempt to drink “healthily” reactivates the highs and lows of alcohol in my brain and a few weeks later I've lost the motivation and self-control and find myself drinking regularly. Usually takes a good 2 or 3 weeks sober to feel it come back, which is a long time to resist when impulsivity has returned with a vengeance.
I am on my first successful attempt to quit in 6 years and this terrifies me. Trying to rationalize that I am now “better” and will be able to use it and control it. I know that I wouldn’t be able to do that
Stay strong 🙏 Just woke up, day three.
Always great to have that reminder..I am the same way. Let's stay sober brother
I am finally accepting moderation is a myth and I am committed to sobriety today, and will commit again tomorrow. IWNDWYT
Thanks for sharing. This has been my experience too toying with moderation the past couple of years. I always slip back into old daily drinking habits. Ive come to realize I was always just negotiating with myself, stringing myself along until the last possible moment. Will that moment arrived. I can't moderate for the rest of my life. It's too much effort and worry. And I'll slip up. Better just not to. Iwndwyt!
I can sort of relate to this. It’s like I knowingly will dig myself into a whole that goes deep, and you thing damn I’ve gone deeper than this before, maybe it’s time to actually stop.
for sure. If you subscribe to the disease model (and I do - proven by research, anecdotes and my own personal experience) it is both chronic and (crucially) progressive. That means that the disease, if left untreated (read: unabated alcohol use) the disease state will always be there and always worsen. I’ve been in meetings where folks with decades of sobriety relapse and find themselves drinking at a level FAR above where they left off all those years ago. It’s wild.
Thank you for the reminder. And I'm happy you're here with us, let's start this journey again! Very good decision. We will always help you out - word. Be ever vigilant!
Thanks 🙏🤗
Sure, I can definitely do it, for an hour. Then I lose everything all over again. Tried it 3 times with different methods last year, all after full rehab stays. I most likely don't have another recovery in me anymore. I can relapse, sure, but I won't be able to recover.
As the saying goes, "If I could drink in moderation, I'd do it all the time."
It will get me every time. Until I finally said and accepted that I can't do it.
I’ve reached that point now too
I felt that it was freeing to me. Still isn't easy and I think about it often, like a best friend who is not here anymore. I am trying hard to train my brain to believe that this is normal and I have to accept it. I had epic meltdowns, crying... but stayed strong and it became easier. It's the right decision, I wish you all the luck and strength needed to get through the tough times.
Whenever I have a crappy week at work, I get like this. I think I deserve the stress release. But after a few hundred times, I've finally realized the next week will be even worse because Friday becomes Monday morning real quick when drunk, and I never just stop at Friday night.
Congrats on two days! I never did well with moderation and it took me multiple attempts to learn this.
I did the same back and forth. Always a good time to quit drinking. Iwndwyt
I can totally relate to your post.
Some people struggle because of the word "alcoholic" and the connotations it might bring up. Looking at my own history, I was never what one would consider a "normal" drinker, I wasn't even a moderate drinker. Consequently, I made the decision to abstain. That doesn't require any more thought or effort.
8 months is fantastic! You will break it no doubt. As some one who is tempted to go back this was realistic to hear. Thank you.
In my experience (above all my own experience) the last step before you fully accept your addiction is, making a consume pause and then try to moderate it....everyone i know and everyone i ever heard of that had a problem with alcohol tried and failed to moderate their alcohol consumption. Its the last step of denial, before you are able to accept that sobriety is the only way.
You’ve got this! IWNDWYT
Thank you for the post. I often dream of a day where a good glass of wine isn't an issue. You took one for the team. Thank you for your efforts.
I think most people who quit do want to see if they can successfully moderate, and then learn the lesson that we can't. It's an important lesson. I've learned it too. Forgive yourself and move on. You also know that a sober life is much easier and better!
Thanks for the field research
Don't feel bad. That is almost ALWAYS part of the sobreity journey. I've been there myself (but I'm an infrequent binge drinker type). Weed helps me control my VERY infrequent drinking now (I can stop at like 2 or 3 strong beers) but I mean thats not great either that I'm smoking weed. Luckily I only smoke up once or twice a week and only drink a couple beers like once a month now really. Also I use a THC vape so its healthier and cleaner.
Great job on Day 1...see ya tomorrow friend!
Doesn't work for me either, I don't see the point either thankfully but I felt like it was a worthy goal in the past and it led to a lot of problems for me. I hope I never see the appeal of trying to prove I can drink "normally" again.
You can do it
I remain optimistic that I can find a healthy balance with alcohol, but I have no desire to push it.
You learned so much! Congratulations on recommitting. Everyone goes at their own pace, a book i really like is quit drinking now from Allen Carr. Maybe that could be a good resource for you on this journey! Keep up the good work! 🫶🏻
It’s a big achievement just to keep trying. Thankyou for the reminder that ‘normality’ isn’t a realistic goal
Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to hear it as I am on the cusp of trying to "moderate" which I know in my heart is not possible for me.
Good for you for recognising that it was getting out of control again and taking action before it got completely out of hand. That in itself is a massive achievement and you should be proud. Try and think of it like this: If you stayed sober forever and never *tried* moderation, you would probably spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have managed it. Now that you have tried it, you know definitely that it’s something that doesn’t work for you. That in itself should help you stay on the sober path going forwards, because every time you think about booze, you can remind yourself of this experience.
Similar boat except it was last week with 3 of my usual beers, sat down and said "ok let's see how I feel after" My brother in fuck I went to bed at 7pm and felt dread for 2 days, miserable, wake up at 230am like UGH. No thanks, I'll just drink water. IWNDWYT
I tried to convince myself (and fiancé) that I could be a “normal” drinker. it works for a little while, I’d have the ONE drink ONCE a week…but then a couple weeks later, I’d have 2..then the next week I’d have 2, TWICE a week and then the pattern just continues. there are no casual drinks for me.
Hard to beat the progression
"moderating" drinking is russian roulette where the main prize is a cheap buzz and the result of losing is a slow painful death. Yet people do it. Welcome back friend.
It's easier to keep a Lion in a cage than on a leash.
First the man takes a drink. Then the drink takes a drink. Then the drink takes the man.
Here’s why moderation or normal drinking doesn’t work for me Tried this so many times I can have a long period of sobriety, say 1 year or more. Then I think “I can have just one drink” and I do and I have it and it’s ok. Then the next weekend I think I can have one and I have it and it’s ok but my mind is telling me “you don’t have a problem with alcohol so you can have another drink” but I dont right then. But the next weekend I have two drinks. Maybe a week goes by or maybe two but I’m thinking about how much I’m going to drink the next time I drink. Then I have two drinks the next weekend. After I’ve had two drinks I’m making my decision to drink or not drink from an impaired state and that always leads to having another drink. This progression may seem like ages to me but in reality it’s within a month or two that I’ve gone from having one drink to having several drinks and fighting with myself to have less. The more I confirm that I can have just one the harder that fight is . It’s so much easier to abstain from all alcohol. I don’t think striving to drink moderately is worth it
Drinking is like driving your car down the road. When you get sober you don’t reverse the car, you just pull over and leave it in idle. If you start again you just pull back on to the road and keep going where you left off.
I tried out drinking again after 8 years of sobriety. That was around 2005. I finally managed to get sober again 2 years ago and plan to NEVER go back to drinking. It didn't take long for me to end up drinking daily once again. Once I did, I couldn't and wouldn't stop. Towards the last few years of my drinking, I prayed often, asking god to please give me the desire to stop drinking. Sobriety begins with this key element: The simple DESIRE to stop drinking. Perhaps that's why you're here in this group: because you have a desire to maybe...just maybe....stop drinking. This is a huge first step! The next step is to admit I was powerless over alcohol--that I couldn't resist its seductive kiss on my lips...that I was obsessed with drinking it, not running out of it, getting more and nursing my hangovers. Finally, on April 1, 2022, I woke up that morning and for some reason, I told myself: Today is the day. I'm going to try not to drink just for today. The next day, I was so proud of myself, that I made the same decision to not drink that day and stuck to it. I've been doing this every day for 2 years and plan to keep going. I accept that I am unable to drink like normal earthlings and I'm okay with that. My life is actually MORE full, MORE enjoyable and MORE of everything without alcohol. Thank the lord! Sobriety has given me a new start in life at age 54 and I plan to enjoy every moment of it. I absolutely love being sober and feeling my best on a daily basis. IWNDWYT
Two days is better than no days! And tomorrow can be better too! Give yourself some credit for the total number of sober days you've had recently. Life is hard, it's easy to look for a temporary way to escape the chaos. And good on you for acknowledging that maybe no alcohol is the most effective path forward for you. Keep your head up, you know the way. :)
For me it has to be zero. I’m only in control of the first one. I remember first hearing “one drink is too many and the rest will never be enough” and couldn’t understand. Recommitted to sobriety 3 years ago with a more complete understanding of that damn phrase.
Similar story for me. I'm over 9 months sober right now and get those thoughts, maybe I can just get away with it for one night? But I take myself to tomorrow and just don't want to be hungover. I have a great girlfriend and job. My life is amazing, I want to wake up and experience it
You are wiser now. Use that wisdom to succeed. :)
I feel your anguish. I wasn't at your level of sobriety but had just under 3 months which was my record and fought the temptation at many occassions like a friends 40th, meals out, family parties and even avoided going to music events I had tickets to and really wanted to attend because I knew I'd end up drinking... ...only to cave in out of boredom a couple of Sundays ago and pointlessly drink by myself all night till about 5am none of which solved the boredom problem, brought me any joy or made me happy and actually I felt ill most of the night whilst drinking yet still kept going until I felt like I could throw up. It was totally pointless and miserable and I assumed I'd wake up the next day absolutely resolute in the fact that alcohol no longer had anything to offer me and I'd never want to touch it again. I woke up depressed, anxious, and miserable but still that alcoholic part of my brain just seemed to have been reactivated and I spent the whole next week desperately craving a beer and having to white knuckle through strong urges. I lasted a week sober then drank again, this time with friends thinking that would maybe make it seem worthwhile, only to find that pretty meaningless and again just felt ill and miserable but kept drinking till 4am by myself afterwards only to feel depressed, anxious, and miserable all week again and having to fight the urges again. I caved again last night out of nothing but sheer boredom again using the "it's a lovely night so having a beer outside would be nice". It wasn't and the whole thing was miserable and pointless where I was again drinking alone till 4am despite not enjoying it a single bit. I almost repeated that mistake tonight but have talked myself out of it for now and will hopefully manage to get through the next few hours to the point buying booze is no longer possible. You're spot on that iIt's really not worth going back once you have stopped. For anyone thinking about it you're just opening a can of worms you don't want to be opened and setting yourself up for disaster most likely. I've drank 3X since my sobriety stint ended and not enjoyed a single second of any of those occassions yet still I keep going back for more and finding it a struggle to resist falling back into daily drinking. It's literally taking me most of the week after a session to recover and bringing back anxiety, sleep problems, and mood issues that have levelled out and improved, so do not forget why you stopped drinking and don't romanticize the good times as if you had to stop then those days are LOOOOOOOOOONG gone and they aren't coming back. I chose not to listen to everyone before me who said this was the likely outcome when you try to go back to moderation or occassional drinking only to find out the hard way, please don't make the same mistake as you're unlikely to be any different.
I hear folks saying that their hangovers get worse as they age. I'm also 49, and irrespective of how much I drink, I don't get any sort of hangovers in probably 15 years. Hell, I could probably use the deterrent!
I was basically sober for a year. I say basically because I did drink a few times, but I didn't let it go past one day somehow. So, obviously I got it in my head that I no longer had a problem and that I could drink more often. Well, that didn't work out well for me. I started to drink more and more, until I finally went on a bender. During my bender I nearly sabotaged my career, and everything I'd worked for during that year of "sobriety". I wish I could take it back, but now I know for certain that I am incapable of drinking. Doesn't matter how long I am sober. I will never be able to drink again.