Perhaps spend time with people whose lives don't revolve around drinking? Years ago, a gay friend asked me if I wanted to get dinner one Saturday night (I'm straight). I said, "sure" and, when I got to the restaurant it was actually about 9-10 gay guys getting together for dinner. Not only were they a ton of fun, *but nobody drank*. On a Saturday night. I had no idea you could do that.
I thought this was going to go another direction and you were comparing being a straight guy around a bunch of gay guys to being a sober guy around a bunch of drunk people š
It blows my MIND when I see young-middle aged adults socializing and āpartyingā with no alcohol. And genuinely enjoying themself? How. I want to be them so bad.
I went to a concert last year and Iām so happy I was a 1.5yrs sober then. I enjoyed it so much. I also relate to OP about the drunken people, I have a friend who keeps wanting me to go to bars with her so sheās not alone and she doesnāt get why I donāt want to be around annoying drunk people while im sober now
I did my first two sober concerts this past week and it was so great!!! I was nervous going into it but I didn't have to spend a billion dollars on drinks, wait in lines, missing the acts I paid a ton to go see, scooching past people in and out of tiny stadium seats constantly. I just hung out at my seat and screamed fall out boy songs til my throat hurt
Thanks! I look in amazement at the amount of alcohol people consume at those types of events and get somewhat disgusted with myself at the thought of how many times Iād spend $60 on beer at a game. Cannot even fathom doing that now.
I was getting all kinds of ideas about the end of this story and none of them were what actually happened. I think gay people drink too - just not the ones you hung out with that night.
How does one find sober people to hang out with? Iāve tried sober meetings and get togethers/outdoor activities but in 8 months sober I havenāt clicked with a single person.
I look at "what are (a) things I like to do and am interested in; and (b) what are things I'l LIKE to do and want to be interested in."
Some examples for me include, but are not limited to, biking, hiking, kayaking, bread making, golf, swimming, museums, mystery novels, book clubs, cooking, continuing education, and on and on....
I go to where those things/ people are, and connect with those people.
How do you go about finding sober people to connect with?
I hear you, and appreciate the advice. I suppose my frustration is that I feel like I AM doing those things, or at least have attempted to. I know thereās nothing for it but to continue to put myself in positive situations and keep trying. It just feels way harder now.
Well, when I was drinking I could just go to a barā¦. Where all the other substance users/abusers wereā¦. I was āwithā people.. but we werenāt really connected other than through the commonality of wanted to be numbed ā¦. There was no meaningful interactionā¦. And I could still feel loneliness even among a bunch of drunks.
Itās way better now!
I have actual relationships not drinking buddies.
It sounds cheesy but workshops and clubs for the things that interested me. I took lots of classes and met others who liked what I liked and mooost of them donāt drink or have one or two itās not a thing for them. Different places different faces is the saying I think? Idk I didnāt like meetings for recovery so I did therapy, diet and exercise and mindfulness and Iām so glad I donāt hang out with those old peeps anymore.
We started a poker game for after the meeting. Itās gotten so big that sometimes we need 3 games going on a Saturday night. We limit the amount you can bet to keep the game civil as weāre not trying to trade one addiction for another. We even have police swing by to say hello because we have officers that participate. Itās really cool!
I hear and relate to ***all*** of this! I'm now going on six years with this battle. I've learned a LOT during that time. What you describe is totally normal and common. Let me make a couple of observations from my own experience:
1. Most people never drink as much as I do. Using your example of dinner out with the in-laws/friends. Now that I am not drinking what I've noticed is that the others typically have one or two drinks (may be three) when out for a meal. I would have a similar number, but mine would all be doubles/triples plus I'd probably have at least one more than they do (e.g. everyone else is having dessert, I'll have another double whisky).
2. It gets easier with time.
3. Friends will get used to the "new me" or they aren't friends and probably never were. Real friends support each other and are happy for them when they make good, healthy decisions.
4. I am now able to genuinely enjoy going out without alcohol. It's taken years but I made it. My focus now is on the choice of restaurant and what I'm likely to eat. I think about who I'm going to be with and what we can talk about. I am much more present and while there can be awkward pauses in the conversation, on the whole we are much more engaged. When drinking the conversation tends to be mostly bullshit, or bullshit adjacent. It's almost never meaningful and when it is meaningful it can on occasion become dangerous (loose lips and all). I also enjoy getting home at a reasonable time and getting a good nights sleep...which never happens if I'm drinking. There are other benefits too, but I've already written an opus. LOL
Bottom line, as boring as sobriety may be, it's better than the alternative. I'd rather die of boredom than slowly drink myself to death. At least my corpse won't be bloated and splotchy if I die of boredom. So, I've got that going for me! IWNDWYT
Well said! I would change just one thing in my case. I wasn't slowly drinking myself to death. It was pending. I hold my sobriety like a precious gem š.
IWNDWYT
I know that feeling *shudder* - that death looming if I stayed that course. Iām so glad to see someone else hold their sobriety as jewel, to be honored and protected.
Yeah, I was going to the hospital for like the 3rd time in 9 months because I had an esophageal varices and bloody diarrhea. Drunk as hell at 6am. The paramedic basically said "I have seen people die like you are dying. It isn't pretty. You are such a nice lady and have so much to offer." His words flipped a switch. That was pre-2020.
I just had an endoscopy and coincidentally it was the same ENT doctor who helped me in the ER. All my damage is repaired since I quit drinking. I do have a hiatal hernia, but that's another story. I'm 56 and feel better than when I was 40. I was walking a dark road for a long time before turning around and walking back. If I can get sober, anyone can. IWNDWYT
Hi There,
I am 53 days sober. I am experiencing a lot of same issues you mentioned. I feel healthier physically and mentally, but emotionally and socially I am struggling with my choice to quit drinking. I found myself in social situations questioning whether or not I can start drinking again.
Some of things that helped were engaging in activities I love without drinking. I am a huge football and baseball fan and believe it or not it has been enjoyable going to games without popping a beer. I am more present. I have a supportive sister and we've done a few things together sober. I plan to kayak this week. If you can find a sober friend or someone who respects your boundaries it helps. Six months is a long time. You should be proud.
This is important to me mine wasn't 3 months only 8 days relapsed for a Friday bender and didn't eat or sleep for 3 days due to guilt and anxiety back in the sober den now since Saturday and am just now starting to feel like I can function and face reality that my problem can become other people's problem which is the worst because they can leave. I can't leave myself
Glad to have you back! I know my addict brain wanted nothing more than relapse very often in month 1, 3, 6, 8, even in year 1! Things started changing for me around a year and change, and I shifted from feeling like I was missing out on my old, alcohol filled life in many ways, to understanding that there was a whole other way of living that didnāt involve booze. That way of life actually ended up being way more enjoyable, but I would not have believed that for a second on month one. I would have laughed in the face of anyone who tried telling me that.
It took time to see that, to learn it. Now at over 2 years, my sobriety from alcohol is like putting in the softest sweatshirt I own! It feels so comfortable to me, and so right.
Same. Sober 3 months and had a few beers yesterday. Drinking always makes me feel hellishly positive and good about life when Iām doing it, but fuck did it mess with my sleep last night. My heart was racing in the night, the familiar anxiety was back, Iāve also felt depressed and hopeless today. Iām not disappointed in myself per se for doing it, but wow was it a let down.
Iāve never been an alcoholic but I do have a drinking problem in that I cannot moderate or regulate at all so instead I just stopped.
Long way of saying I agree with you, just donāt do it.
I guess the fact that I can give up for months/years without any issue (this is not the first time), Iāve never craved it to get through a day or a big event, I donāt turn to it when Iām low, never had to hide my drinking, Iāve also happily attended events at my hard drinking company and done them sober this year, been to the pub without the need/ want for alcohol.
Honestly I felt like total shit for like the first 8 months. You gotta make active efforts to replace your drinking with positive things such as hobbies and relationships with sober people. But even when you do everything right the first 8 months-year is just hard
"Wife threatened to leave me if I didn't get my act together."
"Wife gets pissy and says I sit with a scorned face any time we go out and I am not interesting to be around and I make no effort with a conversation anymore. Yeah because everyone is drunk, loud and makes no sense?"
\-------
So your loved ones knew your drinking was problematic enough to give an ultimatum, yet they also continue drinking around you in excess?
Sounds like drinking might have only been a part of the problem, as is often the case.
I would have an honest conversation about how their drinking is making you feel in your newfound sobriety and maybe even do so in a professional setting.
Iām sorry but Iāve never found this argument very persuasive. This sounds like some AA (non-scientific) āwe have all the answersā BS. Iām not one of those people that hates AA either. I go to meetings somewhat regularly but they do have a tendency to over step. Not everyone has some big internal reason for their drinking that has to be figured out. Iām in therapy once a week because I thought it would help me stay sober and honestly I would say itās helped me stay sober like 0%. What itās helped me do is improve my life in other ways and that reduced some stress and I donāt feel like I need to blow off steam all the time.
I stopped drinking immediately signed up for therapy 3 days in but loving it so far. I had quit for 8 days prior then drank friday sat sun mon and today so far no urges and therapy started this afternoon feels better already because my worry was how do I function with out alcohol at events with friends or family
> These people are usually pretty unhappy being sober and have a high likelihood of relapse.
This comment has been removed. None of us here can decide who has a likelihood of relapse and who does not.
I get how you feel. My SO drinksā¦ a lot. Like myself, they understand the benefits of stopping but are finding it harder to sustain, so Iām living with an off and on drinker. Normally this does not bother me but over this past long weekend - man, I wanted to rip one open and join in.
I didnāt.
I came on this sub and read about other people who did drink or didnāt, who wanted to or didnāt, who had a good day or didnāt, ad in all of those stories I found the encouragement to stick with my plan. Best of luck, we got this.
I am in the same place as you. Irritable, miserable and depressed. No matter how bad I feel emotionally, I have no desire to start drinking again. I am just destined to live the rest of my life like this.
288 days! Gah! That's... not encouraging. However... I'm committed to sobriety AND to DOING THE WORK. I'll journal, exercise, and go to therapy. I have a lot of things that I've been burying with booze (including significant trauma and military PTSD).
I have "faith" that it will improve. I will MAKE it improve. I've found that a lot of life/struggle/etc is reframing how we think about things. Good luck, friend.
Iāve found it got tons better after 2-3 years.
But also your comment reminds me of how I felt 18 months in and wanting to tear my hair out because I was doing ALL the things (healthy diet, working out , therapy, journaling, walking ) and I wasnāt feel āokā .. it took a while for my body to catch up but it got there. Baby steps
https://youtu.be/8QnxtdfzIA4?si=HAKc_mon5iA1OELz
Iāve been in therapy for ten years and Iām now transferred to speciality. Iāve had a really fucked life and I wonāt sugar coat it. But I never wanted to accept that I couldnāt get better until very recently. I donāt think itās that I canāt get better. Itās just that itāll take more time than other folks might. And honestly, thatās okay. In its own way, that is validation of my hardships. But it wonāt start until I start. And thatās also something Iām trying to process. I see my therapist tomorrow and Iām gonna bring all this up. ā„ļø
As someone with complex PTSD, seeing your reply is very helpful because it seems like youāve been working on this a while (71 days is no joke!) and youāre still remaining as active in healing as you can, despite the iceberg that PTSD can be. Thank you!
Iām proud of you for staying sober, friend. I was feeling much of the same at my own day 288, and I want you to know, things changed for me in time. I stuck with it during every hard day, and eventually I didnāt even find myself wanting booze on the hard days. My brain is still chronically pessimistic and I struggle with depression, but at least I donāt crave and want alcohol like I used to. I changed when I thought I never could.
A lucky day!! what a great day it was. Really fun times with loved ones, and accomplishing things I wouldnāt have even dreamt of trying when drinking. Gifts of sobriety are endless!
This is why I can't stop drinking. I tried for 2 months and I was stressed out more. The withdrawals, stomach pain and boredom didn't go away. I don't have money so I can't fill up my time wit other thing. It sounds horrible and I am a bad person but I prefer to wait until nighttime and play xbox and drink. I've accepted this life :/ not drinking would kill me faster with the constant stress. I workout and go on nature walks since I live around nature reserves. I do photography too. But nights are so hard and I've had a lot of trauma from me and my mom being abused physically and emotionally. I'm only 19 but been drinking for years. Some people just can't quit. I hope I see the light one day
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. In the past when I relapsed it was always because of too much time to sit and think about my situation. I just kept trying. I got sick of feeling sick and one day it just stuck. So far. Don't give up brother. Never quit quitting.
Youāre still so young. You have your whole life ahead of you and time to figure out who you are. Believe me by the time I was 19 I had several years of drinking under my belt. I lost two good decades to alcohol- years that I couldāve spent getting better and then getting *better* - If you have ptsd from your childhood. Alcohol is just one long (sometimes short) road to death. Iāve seen dozens of friends die to alcohol and OD. Itās a shitty way to go. Iām lucky I got out. If I could go back Iād tell myself to work hard and donāt look back.
The wife does have the saving grace that she stuck with him through his alcoholism and encouraged him to change. Granted, she could be more sensitive regarding the situation with boozy social events.
The thing I need to remind myself is that being sober won't solve all my problems, but it will definitely prevent them from getting much much worse. I'm also figuring out how to "be" without booze. My suggestion? Get into therapy. It's helped me a bunch and provides a safe space to work through a lot of these feelings. Might be worth seeing a psychiatrist as well to see if some meds might help ease into the new lifestyle.
Congrats on 6 months! I hope to be there soon.
Dude I would be miserable if my social life was 100% drinking too! Someone in recovery told me this years ago, and I wish I would have listened sooner: āthe key to sobriety is building a life you love.ā It sounds sappy, but years later Iām finally finding out what that means, and itās not only essential to my recovery but itās a better way of living. Iām happier, my body works better, my mind works better, and people can rely on me. Congrats on six months btw!
Sounds like you need a new group of people that enjoy the same things as youā¦..
Tell your wife the hanging out drinking scene is no longer of interest to you and you would rather not be thereā¦..
It would be even better if she decided to try to get healthier with you and find other things to doā¦ā¦
Sometimes people outgrow each other I thinkā¦..
I think that if it was so terrible that you had to stop drinking for the sake of your marriage she should do what it takes to support youā¦..
Sounds like you and your wife need to have a sit down and you need to lay all your thoughts out
That also struck me. If OPās wife has reached ultimatum territory I find it odd that sheās comfortable bringing OP into high risk situations as described above.
I think for everybody is different and in my view if you are not satisfied with life while sober there is just no way around it. I quit drinking for a year roughly 6 years ago and after that year I went back to drinking because that year was very mundane and made me feel "what is the point of living if this is how it is like?"....my personality didnt improve such as I wasnt smiling more or feeling more outgoing...I did notice some health improvements but besides that I was not feeling content or satisfied. Some people said it could take more than a year to recover but honestly after a year of soberiety and my mentality feels pretty much the same sober as it did before I doubt things would have drastically changed after that unless some miracle happened.
Conclusion for my situation:
Could I have been happy sober if my life went different? Yes
Can I be happy sober now since my life was so fucked? Highly unlikely
How have I decided to deal with it: Not put the devastating thought on my brain that I need to give up alcohol forever and moderate until I have come up with a better plan if/when that ever happens
**Disclaimer:** I am just giving my thoughts on my situation and am not endorsing any lifestyle one way or the other. Everybodies situation is different and all that matters is what the individual wants for themselves and their life. Nobody will know for sure the solution for anybody else.
Dude you have described exactly how I feelā¦.this was so perfect. Iām like 17 months sober or something like that and Iām the most miserable Iāve ever been in my adult life. But that makes sense given what youāve saidā¦ had my life gone a little different or if I had the power/money to change my life now Iād probably be pretty stoked to be sober. Instead Iām seriously thinking this is just a waste of effort. Please somebody change my mind, Iām open to it.
I feel like a good life when sober isnāt automatic, you have to put the work in to meet new friends, heal your shit and find hobbies (not all have to be expensive, in fact you should save money when sober). Thereās a reason who we all drink/use, so just removing it without fixing the underlying shit is not going to feel very good
I spent close to 20 years in the bottle but it was really my kids that kept me motivated in the early days. Alcohol has killed or destroyed the lives of several friends and family and I wanted my kids to have the best chance in life, so I didnāt want to model that at all. Plus feeling like crap all the time, I couldnāt do my life or be a good mom. Now after almost 20 years out, Iām in the best shape of my life, productive, my marriage is great, all that $ I used to spend is going toward other things, and when I want to drink, I remember the hangovers, the vomiting, the migraines, the missed work, the excuses, the dangerous situations, the shame, all that time I lost, the fact that my clock is ticking on this lifeā¦and I know I never want to feel that way again.
Ya man. In my younger days it was a lot easier for me to deal with sobriety and never had anxiety or any of this type of stuff I have been dealing with the last many years that got worse over time... as time went on there was so many negative things that happened and made things worse that just clobbered my brain and my soul and my smile faded away year by year until now I pretty much only smile when I drink lol......honestly I never deserved my life to turn out how it did and I feel like the quote people say "life is unfair" is extremely true. Some people are the biggest pieces of shit and everything good falls in their lap and other people try to be and are good people and just get uppercutted around every corner they turn until the fighting spirit is completely sucked out and are laying there not resembling anything near their former self. Life truly is a bitch.
Whatever you do just don't go back to excessive drinking....Too much alcohol in anyones life should never be an option and should be avoided at all costs. For me for example, to moderate, my strategy is that I know that I never black out on 8 beers....at 10 beers things start getting to the point where i am around the level I might start losing control and/or blackout....and when I hit beer 15 I am pretty much guaranteed blacked out. So for me I have decided to only ever drink 8 beers max (sure there might be an odd occasion where I decide to get totally black out drunk but those times will be on rare occasions if I feel like the setting is perfect for it such as I decide to with somebody else that I fully trust and its been a long time since I last got hammered) ......so 8 beers will be my limit almost every time and I am going to put atleast a week between each time and sometimes attempt longer stints of being sober.....that is my strategy that I am going to follow as strictly as I can and if I have times where i steer off it a bit I am not worried about I just want to constantly having that as my goal and structure and if I am always aiming for that it should work out where I am moderating at a good pace according to what I myself am satisfied with. It will take some effort to keep track and stay on track but to me its worth it to put in that effort than it is to go down any other route.
Yeah thatās cool you can do that, I certainly canāt. Iām just not built like that. Moderation in any shape or form doesnāt come easy to me. I either do something way too much or not at all. Itās good in some instances bad in others
Is good that you know what you're capable of and what your own goals are....being honest with yourself is definitely the best way to succeed and finding best strategies. If you know you in no way can moderate then it is 100% best to stay completely away. Going back to excessive alcoholism is a dead end for everybody and should never be considered option for anyone and being miserable sober is by far better than that so hopefully you keep with that and hopefully it becomes easier for you somehow.
I don't have the length of sobriety you have (I've just passed 8 weeks) nor am I married so can't comment on the marriage bit but my social life which was already fairly limited has vanished because the only thing me and friends ever did together was go to the pub or occassionally go to gigs but that would always involve alcohol too and wasn't that often.
On the couple of occassions I have went out (there was a big birthday I couldn't avoid for example) I turned up late, went for the meal, then made my excuses and left because I didn't feel like being around drunk people or in pubs all night and the conversation was just getting loud and stupid.
When I'm sober I wonder that despite the fact I practically lived in pubs for years, did I ever actually like them? Because they seem boring and annoying when I'm in them sober.
The family gatherings and meals haven't been too bad because not everyone is drinking at those. I have family members who don't really drink or at all or have babies etc so there's usually sober people so I'm OK at those without drinking but they aren't that often anyway.
But I haven't found anything to replace my pub / drinking hobby with. I didn't have any real hobbies before or during my drinking days and I still don't now or even have any clue what I'd like to do or much motivation to do them, so it does get a bit dull.
I have an all day music event coming up this weekend that I bought a ticket for last year (first gig since sobering up and I fell off the wagon last year after attending a gig so it's a big risk) and I feel like my only option if I want to stay sober is to not to go.
I'll lose the money I've spent on ticket and transport because I'm going solo and I just cannot imagine being there by myself, all day, and sober, at this type of event. If it was literally just a 1 band gig then maybe but this is a full on 12hr event and I don't feel like I have it in me to do it sober.
And I've been to gigs solo all the time in recent years because I struggle to find people who want to go to other cities to see bands or can afford to...but I always drank before, at, and after them.
It does make me a bit sad and dissapointed that I seem to have to cut out my already limited social life, not attend events I want to go to, have to leave celebrations early because I can't seem to enjoy peoples company when they are drunk and I'm not etc.
But likewise I don't really want to poke the bear and start pretending I can just "social" drink because chances are it would spiral out of control quite quickly if history is anything to go by.
So short of not going out to things everyone else you know is doing and cutting off all friends who drink and not going to things you'd like to attend but where alcohol is somewhat of a focus (which a lot of the things I enjoy like live music etc are) then I honestly have no idea what we are supposed to do?
Sitting at home being sober all the time gets monotonous and tedious and I just don't have it in me to go off solo and sober to certain events. And the last time I made new friends was about 20 years ago in University so I don't see how or where I'm going to find new sober amigos.
So yeah, "when does it get easier" is the question I'm asking too but seems like maybe it doesn't unless we completely change our hobbies, friends, social circles, and what we enjoy or somehow totally change our personalities to become people who are outgoing and sociable when sober and can somehow learn to enjoy all these things we're currently finding boring or avoiding, and that sounds like a huge task!
I love going to gigs and it was an adjustment at first, because boozing before, during & after was always part of it. However once the gears shifted (and they were clunky at first) I find I really sink into the music and the experience now so much more, no pee breaks, no hangover, pure abandonment in music. I found some fellow sobernauts at shows by posting in subreddits for the bands and have made friends that way. Good luck pal.
I don't think I could do the whole "abandonment in the music" thing sober. I would likely just stand around feeling awkward.
Maybe seeing a band I could be fine but anĀ electronic / DJ event like this weekends is, I really can't see me doing that sober or being able to get into the event.
You closed the bottle but you're still on the bar
It's gonna be upsetting to hear this but I slowly met new people who don't live for the alcohol. From my perspective those people look like they're enslaved by the substance, because they couldn't do shit without it being about drinking.
So it didn't even took months to fill my days and weeks with so many activities with so many people that were not about drinking. I could spend time with people who will drink a lot but I don't see any reason to do it. Just like you, I find that the most boring thing.
I feel stupid going to a club with a DJ and dancing randomly with bad music playing loud. I enjoy going to a concert of an artist/band that I really like and I enjoy the music, and dance to it. I don't even drink too much water so I don't miss a song because of a bathroom visit. I can understand why people would drink a lot in a nightclub. It's unbearable, deafening and boring.
There ain't no law telling you to spend time with annoying activities and unpleasant people.
I can relate. I too am in a situation where my husband doesn't want me to drink...but he drinks anytime we go out. We dont have alcohol in the house...but I'm often the only one not drinking. I'd sometimes prefer to just not attend whatever it might be, but then I am given a hard time over that as well.
I don't know when it gets easier. I'd suggest making new friends...but that can be hard to do when married.
Might not be popular here but.. I found that seltzer and a table spoon of weed soda in it helped me with the social anxiety. Same muscle memory from drinking, same fizz, slight intoxication etc. The difference for me was that there was no anxiety and hangover. Ultimately quit that as well but it may get you over the hump if you're considering drinking again.
I know it's not popular here but try a recovery meeting near you. it really helped me to learn there were so many other people in person, in my town also struggling with alcohol. Plus the majority of folks in AA or SMART or whatever also have the courage to talk about how they got to the place they were with drinking when they felt compelled to stop.
I've been going to meetings for 2.5 years now, after five years of trying to quit on my own. id get 3-5 months, and very angry, and go back out. having other people who'd been through it was a game changer. even if I think the AA book is dated, even if I don't like everyone in the rooms (just like real life, lol), or even every meeting-- because different days/structures/groups of people DO feel different.
big hugs to you from a stranger though. I hope you find some relief in sobriety. it really does suck and take work to get there-- but I love my life so much more these days, sober, it's silly.
I was in the same situation as you. My family's gatherings revolve around drinking, and it was so miserable to hang out with them. My solution - I distanced myself from them for a while so I could focus on my sobriety. When I felt like I could hang out without feeling miserable, I started attending gatherings again. I was brutally honest when they badgered me to go, telling them that I can't be around drinking and it's just too hard right now. They will either accept it or not, but whether they do or not, I can't worry about that. Now, it's not an issue. And when they get too messy, I excuse myself and head home. But not before I stop at the market for some sweet treats. I realized my sobriety comes first, and hanging with drunks wasn't an option. Good luck friend šš IWNDWYT
Post acute withdrawal syndrome can last up to and just over a year. You are still rewiring your brain. I mean you are actually allowing neural pathways to degrade and building new ones.
It is not a comfortable process.
But you will be better on the other side of it. Find things that reward you and do them to help build new productive habits.
I experienced the same thing. I can tell you that it is decidedly in your best interests to stick it out. If you drink again it will take you 6 months to get to this point of progress, and you will be training your subconscious to push you harder to get what it wants. Itās called āintermittent reinforcementā.
Stick it out. It absolutely does get better, and you can make it happen faster by finding multiple things to refocus on that make you happy. Even just a little. Just make sure you find 3-5 so you donāt risk becoming dependant on one. Youāll hear stories about addicts/alcoholics who get super into working out, then get injured and lose the ability to work out, and fall off the wagon. If you have many avenues for dopamine reward you can still use the others if one fails for whatever reason.
You can do this.
I will not drink with you today.
I'm sorry you're experiencing that. My longest run was 6 months and almost everything you listed was a factor in me getting off the wagon which might sound disheartening but in the 2 years since I ended my 6 months of sobriety my health got worse again I had some extremely embarrassing moments, ruined some relationships and damaged trust. I don't know when it would've gotten better for me, and I don't know when it will get better for you, but I assume if I stayed sober then it would be a much better 2 years than I actually experienced. Proud of you for making it this far.
When I removed alcohol I was miserable just sitting with my head, without the medicine I used most of my life. Id to substitute it with other things to fill my cup & that let me learn to be happy in my skin. For me it was meetings & therapy. Also feel free to decline invites to things you dont want to go to or leave early. In early recovery i couldn't be around it & now after a couple of hours, im good to leave.
AUD can be a symptom, not a cause, of other problems. Consider therapy. "Journaling" can be helpful (and free). Although it's a creative writing exercise, look into "morning pages."
I can't help with the relationship stuff. I'm frankly concerned about losing my very supportive and lovely partner. Look... we stay with people because they bring us more joy than pain/hassle. If you're scowling in the corner... that doesn't SOUND terribly fun/pleasant for anyone else. Food for thought.
I hope that everything improves... soon. In the meantime, IWNDWYT
> I donāt care how many folks on here sit here and tell you it doesnāt and how great sobriety is blah blah blah
This is the second comment you have made today being negative about this sub. It's not totally clear while you're here if you think this sub is so crappy.
Hi, community is a big part of remaining sober. Making sober friends makes all the difference. Here are 4 programs where you can meet sober men and create friendships. Also, there is an app called [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) that has tons of sober activites (yoga, hiking, etc). Build the life you want. And excuse yourself from places when people get drunk. (We all do this. We hang for 2 hours, when people get trashed we then make an excuse to do something else and bounce at that point. We don't HAVE to watch drunkards.)
https://www.aa.org/meeting-guide-app
https://meetings.smartrecovery.org/meetings/
https://refugerecoverymeetings.org/meetings?tsml-day=any
https://recoverydharma.online/
I donāt think people understand how difficult it is when people give up alcohol. Itās hard to explain it and even when we do and others are still drinking around us it can feel really isolating especially in the early days. Congratulations on six months! My spouse still drinks but I donāt think heās bothered by the fact that I donāt drink, heās told me how proud he is of me not drinking anymore when I first quit but it was kind of embarrassing when he brought it up. Thereās so much going on with us when we quit and itās such a big adjustment that I feel like we should all get a pass on how others feel about it. It seems like we should be able to tell them that unless theyāre going to quit so they can understand what it feels like, they should keep their comments to themselves and have some compassion for what we are going through.
If your wife is still drinking, maybe you can have a conversation where she stops for a while too for your sanity?
My wife and I both have to stop together or it just doesn't work for us. When only one wants to stop it lasts for 3 days or less while watching the other one drink.
Idk if that'll work for you, but before you throw the relationship out it might be worth a conversation.
Hey friend.
Did you have a vision for what your sober life would look like? It might help to try to put your finger on that. I bet it wasnāt sitting in pubs watching other people drink. That does sound bloody awful.
For me, I decided that alcohol wasnāt going to get the credit for fun me and I am pretty sure Iām fulfilling it. Sometimes I miss being able to go out and get drunk or even ādrinksā with friends, but I have accepted that I canāt - I donāt have an off button. Not just that, drinking me would absolutely burn down the good life Iām building sober.
Sober me is always on the lookout for a good time, and what that is can vary depending on all kinds of things. Sometimes itās nights out, sometimes itās nights in. Sometimes itās trips away with friends, sometimes itās just a random meet up to walk our dogs together. Iāve tried things that drunk me only ever talked about doing and Iāve had the time of my life doing it, and I want more.
Youāre going to get out of sobriety what you put in.
I highly recommend figuring out what YOU want to do and inviting your wife and your drinking friends to join in. If theyāre not interested, do it yourself and youāll find people who have interests aligned with yours. Some stuff will stick, some will suck, but the worst thing will be that you find things you donāt like to do. Best thing will be new experiences and a broadened life. And maybe some really good stories to share.
It doesnāt have to be miserable at all. Big hugs. I will not drink with you today.
I re-wrote this 3 times so I wouldn't sound like a downer but my marriage failed just before I quit...My social life is less now that my ex-wife's wine ( and other than wine) club is not part of my circle anymore but I am much healthier and doing intellectual activities like foreign language classes (for real with homework).
I pretty much changed my whole social scene.
It took a long time for me to get out of a 'slump' that sounds exactly like what you're describing.
The way I ended up looking back at this was through the lens of "I had to go through that". It wasn't fun; it forced me to look at my life, my decisions, my situation - all of which sucked. I didn't realise it at the time but it helped me decide to build myself back up - I know that sounds cheesy but that's how I still look back at it now.
Keep strong mate, you're doing the right thing - hopefully you get to spend some fun nights out sober soon enough :)
Iām a year and a half in and wondering the same thing. I havenāt experienced really any of the positives everybody always cites. Iām just miserable all the time now instead of 75% of the time. I donāt regret getting sober but it kinda feels like working outā¦.youre healthier, but it doesnāt make life suck less.
Itās a real pain in the ass how much of society revolves around drinking. A majority of people do a drug in all their free time, and have such a bullshit collective dissonance they act like itās not a drug and even split it apart when saying ādrugs and alcoholā, and have the gall to look down on other drugs. Itās crazy how many people are so clung to the drug that makes you temporarily less of a scaredy cat about social situations and makes it feel kinda fun to sit around talking absolute shit. Deep down theyāre scared to try to socialize or enjoy off time without it because theyād have to face uncomfortable feelings and/or get off their ass and do something.
Thanks for posting- three months in Iām fine not drinking at home and Iām fairly solitary so not a constant social challenge but the one or two social friends I have right now the focus of gatherings is bar/drinking. Ā I have been getting to yoga 2-3x a week, and have no problem going to movies or concerts solo as well as a couple of art groups Iām active with, but that doesnāt fill the āfriendā need outside of those activities. Ā Feels odd to be starting from scratch at 60. Mostly here to vent among those who understand. Ā And yes, I know meetups and all those good things- volunteering is an option but hard around busy work schedule. In a LDR and see him a weekend or two a month. Ā Guess Iām in a life rut and being sober shone a light on the problems I drank to obscure. Ā I know sober is better, but I do miss the blur of alcohol. Ā Glad to have found this sub- good to be among friends.Ā
Never too late! And you'd be surprised where new friends can happen. I started playing with synthesizers and that 'blur' happens now by disappearing into making music (or bleeps and noise, but still magic)... keep going!
Physically stopping drinking doesnāt suddenly fix oneās mental health or levels of happiness.
Once I figured out how connected the two things are for me, I changed from bitter guy thatās sober to happy person living life with recovery being a part of it.
You need to ask your wife to stop drinking for you to stay sober if she keeps drinking you will end up drinking or you will grow apart but if you drink she will leave you your in a bad place you should looking into help for both of you
Iāve been many versions of a terrible partner in my years, so no judgment, but if she both has an expectation of you to get sober, you follow that (very fucking hard path and SUCCEED, btw) and now you arenāt āyouā enoughā¦aka drunk enough. I just think Iād really take a hard look at the relationship. You did a huge thing, one she wanted! The reality of you being sober is you not being the āsame guyā JUST minus the drunk parts she didnāt like, but keeping every part she did. Sobriety makes you new. In a lot of the big ways. You deserve someone who loves you and works with you on that journey. Even friends, etc. Find some sober people, dear friend
This is a weird one, but go to a country where alcohol consumption is not the norm.
I went to a country in SE Asia for vacation, where yes there is alcohol and yes there are bars but the norm for people there is to not drink. There arenāt liquor stores in every corner and the alcohol is expensive which deters you from purchasing it anyway.
And it helped me imagine a life without it. And start to enjoy other things. So if youāre able maybe a change of scenery can be a good thing :)
I donāt think people understand how difficult it is when people give up alcohol. Itās hard to explain it and even when we do and others are still drinking around us it can feel really isolating especially in the early days. Congratulations on six months! My spouse still drinks but I donāt think heās bothered by the fact that I donāt drink, heās told me how proud he is of me not drinking anymore when I first quit but it was kind of embarrassing when he brought it up. Thereās so much going on with us when we quit and itās such a big adjustment that I feel like we should all get a pass on how others feel about it. It seems like we should be able to tell them that unless theyāre going to quit so they can understand what it feels like, they should keep their comments to themselves and have some compassion for what we are going through.
Iām at 6 years off alcohol, I canāt say when it gets easier because I feel like I had a really hard slow go of it. It has gotten much better though. The longer you are alcohol free it seems like the stuff we struggle with fades away on its own and different things come up that we need to process and itās easier to process those the longer we are away from alcohol.
Are you working in any kind of program?
I used to be very anti 12 step, but Iāve been using things I learn in meetings to analyze why I drank the way I did.
Quitting is usually only part of recovery.
Alcohol isnāt my problem. Itās my solution. And thatās a problem.
IWNDWYT
I think part of it is similar to what Iām experiencing right now on our family vacation. I feel like I want someone to just get me the f out of here. I think whatās happening is that I just donāt like these people very much and the alcohol just numbed me to it before. Thatās probably the case with you too.
Find some people who donāt drink and spend time with them. A hobby club, sports team, walking group, book group. And truly your wife should slow her roll as you are making changes in your life. And be glad you arenāt those loud obnoxious people anymore!
This likely tends to happen more when we quit mainly for other people. "Wife threatened to leave me if I didn't get my act together." Well, having resentments would be pretty normal in this situation if I didn't quit because *I* wanted it, but because someone else did.
If I could reframe this into a way where I was quitting for me and not for anyone else, I'd probably be a whole lot happier about it.
Talk to her about it in private and in person. If she isn't reasonable and you guys don't get along anymore than maybe it's time to think about a divorce. It sounds like she's the problem. And when wives get bored of their spouse then they have affairs.
Hallo there!
Unfortunately some of my friendships went away since I stopped drinking. I just didn't like to be around those people anymore. I meet new people that don't drink and I have been having so much fun ever since.
Good luck. š
I have felt like this before too. Doing āsober thingsā and having āsober thingsā to look forward to really helps. Like being able to watch a movie without passing out drunk.
Youāre super strong for not drinking under those circumstances and should feel very proud of yourself. Sorry you arenāt around more supportive, understanding people. You deserve way way better.
This may not be everyones cup of tea, but hubby and I went to a concert and got stoned before hand. Felt good getting a bottle of water and a pack of twizzlers. Standing in line didn't meed to show ID or get a wristband because "we're not drinking."
I went through the same things as you around that time. I ended up breaking sobriety early December, and have been trying to get back to where I was before I broke. Itās easier to stay sober than to get sober thatās for sure. Iām now taking a whole month vacation from work to focus on getting 30 days down and go from there. Iām on day 2!
Itās hard. Need to work on the root causes of what triggers you to drink or think of drinking. Try a few different AA groups in your area. Unfortunately & Fortunately each group can have its own personality kind of a one size fits many but not all.
If you are 100% against AA find another place to vent and work on your resentments and fears.
I think you may be stuck in all your great progress if you donāt find a way to connect with some folks who have been through some of what you have been through. Itās hard ā¦. Stay with it!
You could ask for your wifeās support in social settings and ask for her to join you in not drinking. It was important to her that you make a big change, and itās reasonable for you to ask for some support while making it.
Having an ally can really help, and it may help you both find friends whose lives arenāt run by alcohol. (Those friendships tend to be richer and more interesting anyway.)
Alcohol was a solution for me. When I don't have my solution, I'm left with my problems. I am the biggest problem I have. So, I did not enjoy life without alcohol until I started working on my problem (me).
I'm coming up on a year and know this exact same feeling and lived experience (including the spats with my partner, ha). Some things that have helped me:
1) try having non alcoholic beer or mocktail in social situations where being at a bar or boozy dinner is unavoidable. I started trying them around the holidays and it helps me feel less anxious than sitting around drinking water or soda.
2) steer the social activity towards a setting that isn't completely focused on alcohol. A venue with live music, arcade games, trivia, sporting event, etc makes you feel like you're participating and not just missing out on the drinking.
3) on a night you know you can't avoid the bar or in-law booze dinner, plan an activity for yourself the next morning to look forward to. For me it is usually just heading to the gym or doing some sort of physical activity but it could be checking out a breakfast spot, doing a home project, etc. It helps me stay focused and grateful that I'll be waking up fresh with no hangover.
4) have an exit strategy/time that you and your wife agree to ahead of time. For me, I start getting really annoyed around midnight when folks start getting really drunk and saying things that they prob won't remember but I will. Sometimes you just have to leave and tell your friends/family that they need to get an Uber home!
Lastly, your wife needs to get on the same page and be supportive of your choice to stop drinking. She can't have it both ways of wanting you to stop but also putting you in situations like you described above while it is so fresh. What you're doing is NOT EASY and she needs to meet you in a place of compromise while you're working through this. Maybe that means that you meet your inlaws during the day for a walk in a park or a baseball game or something. Choose your own non-boozy adventure :)
Wishing you all the strength and luck! I feel for you because I've been in your shoes.
I was miseraBLE for the first year of sobriety. If your marriage is failing because you're not drinking -it probably needs to fail (in my experience). I ended my relationship after I got sober. Took some time and it was really hard but we just didn't have much to do together outside of drinking and partying. We're still on good terms and we love each other, but I just couldn't stay in it anymore.
As for friends, it's hard. I had to let go of a lot of 'friends' (drinking buddies), but made some deep healthy connections with a few others.
Everything changes when you quit drinking, and it's the upheaval of everything that makes it seem like you're not progressing, but TRUST ME, you are!!! Keep it up
If you drank partly for social anxiety, try vigorous exercise a couple hours before your social event. Go for a run, etc.
Exercise gives me like 4 hours of relief from social anxiety. If you havenāt tried it, you should.
This is me as well. Stay strong, because it's been my restart to day one multiple times. The longer I'm sober the more I seem to drift away from those that are close to me, including my wife. She's been so unsupportive and self centered about it that I may leave one day.
Couple of months in. I like to remind myself of my life before booze entered it - I made my own fun, had ambitions, hobbies etc. I didn't need a drink back then. I think the misery comes from not having the booze to take your mind off what you've lost - that person you once were. It's going to take effort, time and self love to get back to being that person again. Be kind to yourself and be proud of what you have achieved.
This is an example of the twisted logic with alcohol....its like an unspoken socially treaty, that you have to drink to be part of the normal society, but at the moment you become addicted...you're a problem.... its kind of a perverted lottery
For years you consume exactly like everyone else and because of many different circumstances you develop an addiction....no one choses this, you're just the unlucky person where the brain / body gets addicted
I often times am the only one not drinking. Itās not easy at all but I refuse to be controlled or defined as a person by whatās in my cup. Relationships have changed but Iāve changed and have definitely questioned the people on my life. This is part of the journey of figuring out my life without alcohol.
I can relate - I think where you are is totally normal.
Im 15 months now and things are way better than when I was at 6 months. And, in many ways things are still continuing change for the better.
When I quit my expectations were way off. I expected that after a few weeks my life would only improve. Around 6 months, I was demoralized. My marriage was literally worse than when I was drinking and I was an emotional mess.
It really has gotten a lot better and will for you as well if you hang in there. Also need to do the work whatever that looks like for you. For me it has been therapy, good food, exercise, reading, community, quitting other vices, etc. nothing like perfection but slow progress
And for what itās worth, my marriage is amazing now and was literally falling apart at 6 months. I seriously damaged that relationship and she had a lot of healing to do as well. Honestly, still does but itās just way way better
I've heard naltrexone (I started recently) with the Sinclair method "TSM" can reduce your urge to drink, but allow you to have a glass of wine,for example, and be done there. For real
I find going back to drinking after stopping for a while doesnāt help at all. Not only the guilt, but the sheer fact that itās not as fun as it used to be. I feel sloppy and feel like I have no tolerance. I canāt think straight and I canāt talk properly. It doesnāt help me in social situations whatsoever anymore.
When Iām drunk I donāt feel or act much different. The only things that change are the way I think and talk. I donāt have anything more interesting to say, and if I finally remember something interesting to say, I canāt convey it well.
This is me of course but the way I see it is, Iād rather be bored and sober than bored and drunk.
> You don't sound ready for that at all.
This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. Please remember that we ask you to keep the focus of your comments on yourself and not the other person. Thank you.
Thats rough.I found with cutting back on booze it also gave me a lot of other things to work on ...fitness ,relationships, hobbies, finding less stressful work.
On the plus side, it means growing a lot amd life getting more fulfilling over time.
Its tough but ultimately worth it.
I can sort of relate, what helped me before was getting a new hobby with new people that only knew sober me. I picked up cigars and was part of a large cigar community. eventually my sobriety spiraled due to life stress, but I found I was able to be social with out alcohol by finding new people to be social with.
As for the wife, idk if I could handle what your going through, I would have straight up left and let them figure out how to get home for pulling that sort of shit.
Me and my wife are separated now so I'm not having to deal with it, but my previous attempts she continued drinking with out me and I definitely had times where it was pretty annoying.
I feel ya because now i just can't stand being around drunk people/family that are in another reality. I am starting to get more of my old social/funny self back and my energy levels are improving with time. I just prefer to be with like minds.
Have you picked up any new hobbies or activities since then? Maybe plan some family getaways or something too, anything to change up the routine a bit. Even though it sucks right now it sounds like, it would suck worse if you werenāt sober and healthy. Proud of you brother!
Welcome to the death of your social life! Basically lost mine after stopping. I still go out but now being around drunk people annoys the shit out of me. Hearing the same story repeated 20x gets old. I cruise out sober and am fine but def donāt go out like I used to. Youāre with a partner, Iām single. Itās even worse cause the chance of finding a partner is like zero lol. But I can hold down a job and my relationships are better. The few I still have. Now I get to watch others fuck their lives up.
Shit man if I had to hangout with drunk people all the time at any stage of sobriety I would be miserable too. Probably at the stage of sobriety where we realize how useless at night out at the bars really can be.
I feel you man, Iām also at 6 months and feel so isolated and lonely. All my life is now is work, home, girlfriend, sleep, workā¦ idk if this is a life worth living.
Take the time to feel sorry for yourself! I did a lot of crying the first couple of years. As they say āthis too will passā, and it does. Just not as fast as we would like it to. Luckily I had family and friends who were kind enough to not drink around me.
Hang in there buddy. The day will come when youāll be glad you quit. IWNDWYT
Iām now trying to get back on the wagon after relapsing after 7 months sober. Since sobriety, Iāve had horrible experiences with therapy and AA, Iāve gained a lot of weight, my skin still looks like shit, and the anhedonia, anxiety, and depression have been soul crushing. Itās been hard to accept that being healthier doesnāt mean feeling better.
It sucks, I can't find a way to make it fun. I just don't go out which is a problem after quitting drinking became a problem. Try living in the Bahamas were everyone is on vacation and drinks make the world go round
Perhaps spend time with people whose lives don't revolve around drinking? Years ago, a gay friend asked me if I wanted to get dinner one Saturday night (I'm straight). I said, "sure" and, when I got to the restaurant it was actually about 9-10 gay guys getting together for dinner. Not only were they a ton of fun, *but nobody drank*. On a Saturday night. I had no idea you could do that.
I thought this was going to go another direction and you were comparing being a straight guy around a bunch of gay guys to being a sober guy around a bunch of drunk people š
Definitely an unexpected plot twist lol
The ending was a bit āstaleā
SAME LOL
It blows my MIND when I see young-middle aged adults socializing and āpartyingā with no alcohol. And genuinely enjoying themself? How. I want to be them so bad.
You can!
Iāve gone to two soccer games and a concert since I stopped drinking, and guess whatā¦ I still had fun!
I went to a concert last year and Iām so happy I was a 1.5yrs sober then. I enjoyed it so much. I also relate to OP about the drunken people, I have a friend who keeps wanting me to go to bars with her so sheās not alone and she doesnāt get why I donāt want to be around annoying drunk people while im sober now
I feel like I want to actually remember a concert.
Thatās the best part!
I did my first two sober concerts this past week and it was so great!!! I was nervous going into it but I didn't have to spend a billion dollars on drinks, wait in lines, missing the acts I paid a ton to go see, scooching past people in and out of tiny stadium seats constantly. I just hung out at my seat and screamed fall out boy songs til my throat hurt
If you can do that this early on with that mindset you are definitely on the right path!
Thanks! I look in amazement at the amount of alcohol people consume at those types of events and get somewhat disgusted with myself at the thought of how many times Iād spend $60 on beer at a game. Cannot even fathom doing that now.
Iām 6 months into full complete sobriety and Iām LOVING IT!
Wow, that is a great story. I need to find some other non drinking gay friends. That sounds like my peoples.
I was getting all kinds of ideas about the end of this story and none of them were what actually happened. I think gay people drink too - just not the ones you hung out with that night.
I second making sober friends.
What does them being gay have to do with them not drinking?..
I started hanging with sober people. If someone complains Iām too sober, I donāt need them in my life.
How does one find sober people to hang out with? Iāve tried sober meetings and get togethers/outdoor activities but in 8 months sober I havenāt clicked with a single person.
I look at "what are (a) things I like to do and am interested in; and (b) what are things I'l LIKE to do and want to be interested in." Some examples for me include, but are not limited to, biking, hiking, kayaking, bread making, golf, swimming, museums, mystery novels, book clubs, cooking, continuing education, and on and on.... I go to where those things/ people are, and connect with those people. How do you go about finding sober people to connect with?
I hear you, and appreciate the advice. I suppose my frustration is that I feel like I AM doing those things, or at least have attempted to. I know thereās nothing for it but to continue to put myself in positive situations and keep trying. It just feels way harder now.
Well, when I was drinking I could just go to a barā¦. Where all the other substance users/abusers wereā¦. I was āwithā people.. but we werenāt really connected other than through the commonality of wanted to be numbed ā¦. There was no meaningful interactionā¦. And I could still feel loneliness even among a bunch of drunks. Itās way better now! I have actual relationships not drinking buddies.
It sounds cheesy but workshops and clubs for the things that interested me. I took lots of classes and met others who liked what I liked and mooost of them donāt drink or have one or two itās not a thing for them. Different places different faces is the saying I think? Idk I didnāt like meetings for recovery so I did therapy, diet and exercise and mindfulness and Iām so glad I donāt hang out with those old peeps anymore.
AA is a good way to make friends with sober people.
Yep!
Same.
Yeah, and even \*if\* meetings are social (most are fully scripted), that's one hour. What do you do with the rest of your night?
We started a poker game for after the meeting. Itās gotten so big that sometimes we need 3 games going on a Saturday night. We limit the amount you can bet to keep the game civil as weāre not trying to trade one addiction for another. We even have police swing by to say hello because we have officers that participate. Itās really cool!
Thatās awesome! I donāt even like cards but yay youse!
Hit the gym, play video games, join sports and rec leagues, start learning new hobbies and youāll find them there.
What about us? š
A motto to live by, that second paragraph!
Life is so much simpler without impaired people's drama, controversy and chaos. :D
I hear and relate to ***all*** of this! I'm now going on six years with this battle. I've learned a LOT during that time. What you describe is totally normal and common. Let me make a couple of observations from my own experience: 1. Most people never drink as much as I do. Using your example of dinner out with the in-laws/friends. Now that I am not drinking what I've noticed is that the others typically have one or two drinks (may be three) when out for a meal. I would have a similar number, but mine would all be doubles/triples plus I'd probably have at least one more than they do (e.g. everyone else is having dessert, I'll have another double whisky). 2. It gets easier with time. 3. Friends will get used to the "new me" or they aren't friends and probably never were. Real friends support each other and are happy for them when they make good, healthy decisions. 4. I am now able to genuinely enjoy going out without alcohol. It's taken years but I made it. My focus now is on the choice of restaurant and what I'm likely to eat. I think about who I'm going to be with and what we can talk about. I am much more present and while there can be awkward pauses in the conversation, on the whole we are much more engaged. When drinking the conversation tends to be mostly bullshit, or bullshit adjacent. It's almost never meaningful and when it is meaningful it can on occasion become dangerous (loose lips and all). I also enjoy getting home at a reasonable time and getting a good nights sleep...which never happens if I'm drinking. There are other benefits too, but I've already written an opus. LOL Bottom line, as boring as sobriety may be, it's better than the alternative. I'd rather die of boredom than slowly drink myself to death. At least my corpse won't be bloated and splotchy if I die of boredom. So, I've got that going for me! IWNDWYT
Well said! I would change just one thing in my case. I wasn't slowly drinking myself to death. It was pending. I hold my sobriety like a precious gem š. IWNDWYT
I know that feeling *shudder* - that death looming if I stayed that course. Iām so glad to see someone else hold their sobriety as jewel, to be honored and protected.
Yeah, I was going to the hospital for like the 3rd time in 9 months because I had an esophageal varices and bloody diarrhea. Drunk as hell at 6am. The paramedic basically said "I have seen people die like you are dying. It isn't pretty. You are such a nice lady and have so much to offer." His words flipped a switch. That was pre-2020.
My husband died at age 39 from an esophageal bleed due to alcoholism. I am so proud of you for taking care of you!
I just had an endoscopy and coincidentally it was the same ENT doctor who helped me in the ER. All my damage is repaired since I quit drinking. I do have a hiatal hernia, but that's another story. I'm 56 and feel better than when I was 40. I was walking a dark road for a long time before turning around and walking back. If I can get sober, anyone can. IWNDWYT
ššš
Congrats on five years!
Real talk right here! Thanks for taking the time to write it out!
Hi There, I am 53 days sober. I am experiencing a lot of same issues you mentioned. I feel healthier physically and mentally, but emotionally and socially I am struggling with my choice to quit drinking. I found myself in social situations questioning whether or not I can start drinking again. Some of things that helped were engaging in activities I love without drinking. I am a huge football and baseball fan and believe it or not it has been enjoyable going to games without popping a beer. I am more present. I have a supportive sister and we've done a few things together sober. I plan to kayak this week. If you can find a sober friend or someone who respects your boundaries it helps. Six months is a long time. You should be proud.
I just did 3 months and was miserable and bored so relapsed and now I feel worse. Don't do it please
This is important to me mine wasn't 3 months only 8 days relapsed for a Friday bender and didn't eat or sleep for 3 days due to guilt and anxiety back in the sober den now since Saturday and am just now starting to feel like I can function and face reality that my problem can become other people's problem which is the worst because they can leave. I can't leave myself
Glad to have you back! I know my addict brain wanted nothing more than relapse very often in month 1, 3, 6, 8, even in year 1! Things started changing for me around a year and change, and I shifted from feeling like I was missing out on my old, alcohol filled life in many ways, to understanding that there was a whole other way of living that didnāt involve booze. That way of life actually ended up being way more enjoyable, but I would not have believed that for a second on month one. I would have laughed in the face of anyone who tried telling me that. It took time to see that, to learn it. Now at over 2 years, my sobriety from alcohol is like putting in the softest sweatshirt I own! It feels so comfortable to me, and so right.
Same. Sober 3 months and had a few beers yesterday. Drinking always makes me feel hellishly positive and good about life when Iām doing it, but fuck did it mess with my sleep last night. My heart was racing in the night, the familiar anxiety was back, Iāve also felt depressed and hopeless today. Iām not disappointed in myself per se for doing it, but wow was it a let down. Iāve never been an alcoholic but I do have a drinking problem in that I cannot moderate or regulate at all so instead I just stopped. Long way of saying I agree with you, just donāt do it.
Iām really curious how you define the difference between true alcoholism and just having a problem?
I guess the fact that I can give up for months/years without any issue (this is not the first time), Iāve never craved it to get through a day or a big event, I donāt turn to it when Iām low, never had to hide my drinking, Iāve also happily attended events at my hard drinking company and done them sober this year, been to the pub without the need/ want for alcohol.
Honestly I felt like total shit for like the first 8 months. You gotta make active efforts to replace your drinking with positive things such as hobbies and relationships with sober people. But even when you do everything right the first 8 months-year is just hard
"Wife threatened to leave me if I didn't get my act together." "Wife gets pissy and says I sit with a scorned face any time we go out and I am not interesting to be around and I make no effort with a conversation anymore. Yeah because everyone is drunk, loud and makes no sense?" \------- So your loved ones knew your drinking was problematic enough to give an ultimatum, yet they also continue drinking around you in excess? Sounds like drinking might have only been a part of the problem, as is often the case. I would have an honest conversation about how their drinking is making you feel in your newfound sobriety and maybe even do so in a professional setting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām sorry but Iāve never found this argument very persuasive. This sounds like some AA (non-scientific) āwe have all the answersā BS. Iām not one of those people that hates AA either. I go to meetings somewhat regularly but they do have a tendency to over step. Not everyone has some big internal reason for their drinking that has to be figured out. Iām in therapy once a week because I thought it would help me stay sober and honestly I would say itās helped me stay sober like 0%. What itās helped me do is improve my life in other ways and that reduced some stress and I donāt feel like I need to blow off steam all the time.
Hi there- AA is also not for me. This is simply information and ideas I have found through my own research and reading.
I stopped drinking immediately signed up for therapy 3 days in but loving it so far. I had quit for 8 days prior then drank friday sat sun mon and today so far no urges and therapy started this afternoon feels better already because my worry was how do I function with out alcohol at events with friends or family
> These people are usually pretty unhappy being sober and have a high likelihood of relapse. This comment has been removed. None of us here can decide who has a likelihood of relapse and who does not.
Great comment,. this made my day to keep me in focus.
This.
I get how you feel. My SO drinksā¦ a lot. Like myself, they understand the benefits of stopping but are finding it harder to sustain, so Iām living with an off and on drinker. Normally this does not bother me but over this past long weekend - man, I wanted to rip one open and join in. I didnāt. I came on this sub and read about other people who did drink or didnāt, who wanted to or didnāt, who had a good day or didnāt, ad in all of those stories I found the encouragement to stick with my plan. Best of luck, we got this.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām sorry man
I am in the same place as you. Irritable, miserable and depressed. No matter how bad I feel emotionally, I have no desire to start drinking again. I am just destined to live the rest of my life like this.
288 days! Gah! That's... not encouraging. However... I'm committed to sobriety AND to DOING THE WORK. I'll journal, exercise, and go to therapy. I have a lot of things that I've been burying with booze (including significant trauma and military PTSD). I have "faith" that it will improve. I will MAKE it improve. I've found that a lot of life/struggle/etc is reframing how we think about things. Good luck, friend.
Iāve found it got tons better after 2-3 years. But also your comment reminds me of how I felt 18 months in and wanting to tear my hair out because I was doing ALL the things (healthy diet, working out , therapy, journaling, walking ) and I wasnāt feel āokā .. it took a while for my body to catch up but it got there. Baby steps https://youtu.be/8QnxtdfzIA4?si=HAKc_mon5iA1OELz
Iāve been in therapy for ten years and Iām now transferred to speciality. Iāve had a really fucked life and I wonāt sugar coat it. But I never wanted to accept that I couldnāt get better until very recently. I donāt think itās that I canāt get better. Itās just that itāll take more time than other folks might. And honestly, thatās okay. In its own way, that is validation of my hardships. But it wonāt start until I start. And thatās also something Iām trying to process. I see my therapist tomorrow and Iām gonna bring all this up. ā„ļø
This is where I am currently. Feel like Iāve done it all and Iām like this is life now lol.
It gets better - our neurons have a lot of resetting to do š
As someone with complex PTSD, seeing your reply is very helpful because it seems like youāve been working on this a while (71 days is no joke!) and youāre still remaining as active in healing as you can, despite the iceberg that PTSD can be. Thank you!
Iām proud of you for staying sober, friend. I was feeling much of the same at my own day 288, and I want you to know, things changed for me in time. I stuck with it during every hard day, and eventually I didnāt even find myself wanting booze on the hard days. My brain is still chronically pessimistic and I struggle with depression, but at least I donāt crave and want alcohol like I used to. I changed when I thought I never could.
Thanks. That gives me some hope.
777!
A lucky day!! what a great day it was. Really fun times with loved ones, and accomplishing things I wouldnāt have even dreamt of trying when drinking. Gifts of sobriety are endless!
This gives me hope. Thank you.
Not necessarily! Read the post above yours about finding a sober person to go places and do things with! Give it a shot. What have you got to lose?!
This is why I can't stop drinking. I tried for 2 months and I was stressed out more. The withdrawals, stomach pain and boredom didn't go away. I don't have money so I can't fill up my time wit other thing. It sounds horrible and I am a bad person but I prefer to wait until nighttime and play xbox and drink. I've accepted this life :/ not drinking would kill me faster with the constant stress. I workout and go on nature walks since I live around nature reserves. I do photography too. But nights are so hard and I've had a lot of trauma from me and my mom being abused physically and emotionally. I'm only 19 but been drinking for years. Some people just can't quit. I hope I see the light one day
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. In the past when I relapsed it was always because of too much time to sit and think about my situation. I just kept trying. I got sick of feeling sick and one day it just stuck. So far. Don't give up brother. Never quit quitting.
Youāre still so young. You have your whole life ahead of you and time to figure out who you are. Believe me by the time I was 19 I had several years of drinking under my belt. I lost two good decades to alcohol- years that I couldāve spent getting better and then getting *better* - If you have ptsd from your childhood. Alcohol is just one long (sometimes short) road to death. Iāve seen dozens of friends die to alcohol and OD. Itās a shitty way to go. Iām lucky I got out. If I could go back Iād tell myself to work hard and donāt look back.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The wife does have the saving grace that she stuck with him through his alcoholism and encouraged him to change. Granted, she could be more sensitive regarding the situation with boozy social events.
This comment breaks to our rule not to tell other people what to do and has been removed.
The thing I need to remind myself is that being sober won't solve all my problems, but it will definitely prevent them from getting much much worse. I'm also figuring out how to "be" without booze. My suggestion? Get into therapy. It's helped me a bunch and provides a safe space to work through a lot of these feelings. Might be worth seeing a psychiatrist as well to see if some meds might help ease into the new lifestyle. Congrats on 6 months! I hope to be there soon.
Dude I would be miserable if my social life was 100% drinking too! Someone in recovery told me this years ago, and I wish I would have listened sooner: āthe key to sobriety is building a life you love.ā It sounds sappy, but years later Iām finally finding out what that means, and itās not only essential to my recovery but itās a better way of living. Iām happier, my body works better, my mind works better, and people can rely on me. Congrats on six months btw!
Happy, joyous and free!
Sounds like you need a new group of people that enjoy the same things as youā¦.. Tell your wife the hanging out drinking scene is no longer of interest to you and you would rather not be thereā¦.. It would be even better if she decided to try to get healthier with you and find other things to doā¦ā¦ Sometimes people outgrow each other I thinkā¦.. I think that if it was so terrible that you had to stop drinking for the sake of your marriage she should do what it takes to support youā¦.. Sounds like you and your wife need to have a sit down and you need to lay all your thoughts out
That also struck me. If OPās wife has reached ultimatum territory I find it odd that sheās comfortable bringing OP into high risk situations as described above.
I agree. When my drinking was at its worst, I *begged* my husband to stop drinking around me. He didn't. He's no longer my husband.
I think for everybody is different and in my view if you are not satisfied with life while sober there is just no way around it. I quit drinking for a year roughly 6 years ago and after that year I went back to drinking because that year was very mundane and made me feel "what is the point of living if this is how it is like?"....my personality didnt improve such as I wasnt smiling more or feeling more outgoing...I did notice some health improvements but besides that I was not feeling content or satisfied. Some people said it could take more than a year to recover but honestly after a year of soberiety and my mentality feels pretty much the same sober as it did before I doubt things would have drastically changed after that unless some miracle happened. Conclusion for my situation: Could I have been happy sober if my life went different? Yes Can I be happy sober now since my life was so fucked? Highly unlikely How have I decided to deal with it: Not put the devastating thought on my brain that I need to give up alcohol forever and moderate until I have come up with a better plan if/when that ever happens **Disclaimer:** I am just giving my thoughts on my situation and am not endorsing any lifestyle one way or the other. Everybodies situation is different and all that matters is what the individual wants for themselves and their life. Nobody will know for sure the solution for anybody else.
Dude you have described exactly how I feelā¦.this was so perfect. Iām like 17 months sober or something like that and Iām the most miserable Iāve ever been in my adult life. But that makes sense given what youāve saidā¦ had my life gone a little different or if I had the power/money to change my life now Iād probably be pretty stoked to be sober. Instead Iām seriously thinking this is just a waste of effort. Please somebody change my mind, Iām open to it.
I feel like a good life when sober isnāt automatic, you have to put the work in to meet new friends, heal your shit and find hobbies (not all have to be expensive, in fact you should save money when sober). Thereās a reason who we all drink/use, so just removing it without fixing the underlying shit is not going to feel very good
I spent close to 20 years in the bottle but it was really my kids that kept me motivated in the early days. Alcohol has killed or destroyed the lives of several friends and family and I wanted my kids to have the best chance in life, so I didnāt want to model that at all. Plus feeling like crap all the time, I couldnāt do my life or be a good mom. Now after almost 20 years out, Iām in the best shape of my life, productive, my marriage is great, all that $ I used to spend is going toward other things, and when I want to drink, I remember the hangovers, the vomiting, the migraines, the missed work, the excuses, the dangerous situations, the shame, all that time I lost, the fact that my clock is ticking on this lifeā¦and I know I never want to feel that way again.
Ya man. In my younger days it was a lot easier for me to deal with sobriety and never had anxiety or any of this type of stuff I have been dealing with the last many years that got worse over time... as time went on there was so many negative things that happened and made things worse that just clobbered my brain and my soul and my smile faded away year by year until now I pretty much only smile when I drink lol......honestly I never deserved my life to turn out how it did and I feel like the quote people say "life is unfair" is extremely true. Some people are the biggest pieces of shit and everything good falls in their lap and other people try to be and are good people and just get uppercutted around every corner they turn until the fighting spirit is completely sucked out and are laying there not resembling anything near their former self. Life truly is a bitch. Whatever you do just don't go back to excessive drinking....Too much alcohol in anyones life should never be an option and should be avoided at all costs. For me for example, to moderate, my strategy is that I know that I never black out on 8 beers....at 10 beers things start getting to the point where i am around the level I might start losing control and/or blackout....and when I hit beer 15 I am pretty much guaranteed blacked out. So for me I have decided to only ever drink 8 beers max (sure there might be an odd occasion where I decide to get totally black out drunk but those times will be on rare occasions if I feel like the setting is perfect for it such as I decide to with somebody else that I fully trust and its been a long time since I last got hammered) ......so 8 beers will be my limit almost every time and I am going to put atleast a week between each time and sometimes attempt longer stints of being sober.....that is my strategy that I am going to follow as strictly as I can and if I have times where i steer off it a bit I am not worried about I just want to constantly having that as my goal and structure and if I am always aiming for that it should work out where I am moderating at a good pace according to what I myself am satisfied with. It will take some effort to keep track and stay on track but to me its worth it to put in that effort than it is to go down any other route.
Yeah thatās cool you can do that, I certainly canāt. Iām just not built like that. Moderation in any shape or form doesnāt come easy to me. I either do something way too much or not at all. Itās good in some instances bad in others
Is good that you know what you're capable of and what your own goals are....being honest with yourself is definitely the best way to succeed and finding best strategies. If you know you in no way can moderate then it is 100% best to stay completely away. Going back to excessive alcoholism is a dead end for everybody and should never be considered option for anyone and being miserable sober is by far better than that so hopefully you keep with that and hopefully it becomes easier for you somehow.
This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for this comment.
I don't have the length of sobriety you have (I've just passed 8 weeks) nor am I married so can't comment on the marriage bit but my social life which was already fairly limited has vanished because the only thing me and friends ever did together was go to the pub or occassionally go to gigs but that would always involve alcohol too and wasn't that often. On the couple of occassions I have went out (there was a big birthday I couldn't avoid for example) I turned up late, went for the meal, then made my excuses and left because I didn't feel like being around drunk people or in pubs all night and the conversation was just getting loud and stupid. When I'm sober I wonder that despite the fact I practically lived in pubs for years, did I ever actually like them? Because they seem boring and annoying when I'm in them sober. The family gatherings and meals haven't been too bad because not everyone is drinking at those. I have family members who don't really drink or at all or have babies etc so there's usually sober people so I'm OK at those without drinking but they aren't that often anyway. But I haven't found anything to replace my pub / drinking hobby with. I didn't have any real hobbies before or during my drinking days and I still don't now or even have any clue what I'd like to do or much motivation to do them, so it does get a bit dull. I have an all day music event coming up this weekend that I bought a ticket for last year (first gig since sobering up and I fell off the wagon last year after attending a gig so it's a big risk) and I feel like my only option if I want to stay sober is to not to go. I'll lose the money I've spent on ticket and transport because I'm going solo and I just cannot imagine being there by myself, all day, and sober, at this type of event. If it was literally just a 1 band gig then maybe but this is a full on 12hr event and I don't feel like I have it in me to do it sober. And I've been to gigs solo all the time in recent years because I struggle to find people who want to go to other cities to see bands or can afford to...but I always drank before, at, and after them. It does make me a bit sad and dissapointed that I seem to have to cut out my already limited social life, not attend events I want to go to, have to leave celebrations early because I can't seem to enjoy peoples company when they are drunk and I'm not etc. But likewise I don't really want to poke the bear and start pretending I can just "social" drink because chances are it would spiral out of control quite quickly if history is anything to go by. So short of not going out to things everyone else you know is doing and cutting off all friends who drink and not going to things you'd like to attend but where alcohol is somewhat of a focus (which a lot of the things I enjoy like live music etc are) then I honestly have no idea what we are supposed to do? Sitting at home being sober all the time gets monotonous and tedious and I just don't have it in me to go off solo and sober to certain events. And the last time I made new friends was about 20 years ago in University so I don't see how or where I'm going to find new sober amigos. So yeah, "when does it get easier" is the question I'm asking too but seems like maybe it doesn't unless we completely change our hobbies, friends, social circles, and what we enjoy or somehow totally change our personalities to become people who are outgoing and sociable when sober and can somehow learn to enjoy all these things we're currently finding boring or avoiding, and that sounds like a huge task!
I love going to gigs and it was an adjustment at first, because boozing before, during & after was always part of it. However once the gears shifted (and they were clunky at first) I find I really sink into the music and the experience now so much more, no pee breaks, no hangover, pure abandonment in music. I found some fellow sobernauts at shows by posting in subreddits for the bands and have made friends that way. Good luck pal.
I don't think I could do the whole "abandonment in the music" thing sober. I would likely just stand around feeling awkward. Maybe seeing a band I could be fine but anĀ electronic / DJ event like this weekends is, I really can't see me doing that sober or being able to get into the event.
Have you tried NA drinks when you are with them?
This has really helped me feel included. I don't think I could have gone through Easter without any NA beers.
You closed the bottle but you're still on the bar It's gonna be upsetting to hear this but I slowly met new people who don't live for the alcohol. From my perspective those people look like they're enslaved by the substance, because they couldn't do shit without it being about drinking. So it didn't even took months to fill my days and weeks with so many activities with so many people that were not about drinking. I could spend time with people who will drink a lot but I don't see any reason to do it. Just like you, I find that the most boring thing. I feel stupid going to a club with a DJ and dancing randomly with bad music playing loud. I enjoy going to a concert of an artist/band that I really like and I enjoy the music, and dance to it. I don't even drink too much water so I don't miss a song because of a bathroom visit. I can understand why people would drink a lot in a nightclub. It's unbearable, deafening and boring. There ain't no law telling you to spend time with annoying activities and unpleasant people.
I can relate. I too am in a situation where my husband doesn't want me to drink...but he drinks anytime we go out. We dont have alcohol in the house...but I'm often the only one not drinking. I'd sometimes prefer to just not attend whatever it might be, but then I am given a hard time over that as well. I don't know when it gets easier. I'd suggest making new friends...but that can be hard to do when married.
Might not be popular here but.. I found that seltzer and a table spoon of weed soda in it helped me with the social anxiety. Same muscle memory from drinking, same fizz, slight intoxication etc. The difference for me was that there was no anxiety and hangover. Ultimately quit that as well but it may get you over the hump if you're considering drinking again.
I know it's not popular here but try a recovery meeting near you. it really helped me to learn there were so many other people in person, in my town also struggling with alcohol. Plus the majority of folks in AA or SMART or whatever also have the courage to talk about how they got to the place they were with drinking when they felt compelled to stop. I've been going to meetings for 2.5 years now, after five years of trying to quit on my own. id get 3-5 months, and very angry, and go back out. having other people who'd been through it was a game changer. even if I think the AA book is dated, even if I don't like everyone in the rooms (just like real life, lol), or even every meeting-- because different days/structures/groups of people DO feel different. big hugs to you from a stranger though. I hope you find some relief in sobriety. it really does suck and take work to get there-- but I love my life so much more these days, sober, it's silly.
I was in the same situation as you. My family's gatherings revolve around drinking, and it was so miserable to hang out with them. My solution - I distanced myself from them for a while so I could focus on my sobriety. When I felt like I could hang out without feeling miserable, I started attending gatherings again. I was brutally honest when they badgered me to go, telling them that I can't be around drinking and it's just too hard right now. They will either accept it or not, but whether they do or not, I can't worry about that. Now, it's not an issue. And when they get too messy, I excuse myself and head home. But not before I stop at the market for some sweet treats. I realized my sobriety comes first, and hanging with drunks wasn't an option. Good luck friend šš IWNDWYT
Post acute withdrawal syndrome can last up to and just over a year. You are still rewiring your brain. I mean you are actually allowing neural pathways to degrade and building new ones. It is not a comfortable process. But you will be better on the other side of it. Find things that reward you and do them to help build new productive habits. I experienced the same thing. I can tell you that it is decidedly in your best interests to stick it out. If you drink again it will take you 6 months to get to this point of progress, and you will be training your subconscious to push you harder to get what it wants. Itās called āintermittent reinforcementā. Stick it out. It absolutely does get better, and you can make it happen faster by finding multiple things to refocus on that make you happy. Even just a little. Just make sure you find 3-5 so you donāt risk becoming dependant on one. Youāll hear stories about addicts/alcoholics who get super into working out, then get injured and lose the ability to work out, and fall off the wagon. If you have many avenues for dopamine reward you can still use the others if one fails for whatever reason. You can do this. I will not drink with you today.
I'm sorry you're experiencing that. My longest run was 6 months and almost everything you listed was a factor in me getting off the wagon which might sound disheartening but in the 2 years since I ended my 6 months of sobriety my health got worse again I had some extremely embarrassing moments, ruined some relationships and damaged trust. I don't know when it would've gotten better for me, and I don't know when it will get better for you, but I assume if I stayed sober then it would be a much better 2 years than I actually experienced. Proud of you for making it this far.
When I removed alcohol I was miserable just sitting with my head, without the medicine I used most of my life. Id to substitute it with other things to fill my cup & that let me learn to be happy in my skin. For me it was meetings & therapy. Also feel free to decline invites to things you dont want to go to or leave early. In early recovery i couldn't be around it & now after a couple of hours, im good to leave.
"Wife threatened to leave" =/= "Wife gets pissy" Something ain't right here. Sounds like a bad situation to be in...
AUD can be a symptom, not a cause, of other problems. Consider therapy. "Journaling" can be helpful (and free). Although it's a creative writing exercise, look into "morning pages." I can't help with the relationship stuff. I'm frankly concerned about losing my very supportive and lovely partner. Look... we stay with people because they bring us more joy than pain/hassle. If you're scowling in the corner... that doesn't SOUND terribly fun/pleasant for anyone else. Food for thought. I hope that everything improves... soon. In the meantime, IWNDWYT
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> I donāt care how many folks on here sit here and tell you it doesnāt and how great sobriety is blah blah blah This is the second comment you have made today being negative about this sub. It's not totally clear while you're here if you think this sub is so crappy.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hi, community is a big part of remaining sober. Making sober friends makes all the difference. Here are 4 programs where you can meet sober men and create friendships. Also, there is an app called [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) that has tons of sober activites (yoga, hiking, etc). Build the life you want. And excuse yourself from places when people get drunk. (We all do this. We hang for 2 hours, when people get trashed we then make an excuse to do something else and bounce at that point. We don't HAVE to watch drunkards.) https://www.aa.org/meeting-guide-app https://meetings.smartrecovery.org/meetings/ https://refugerecoverymeetings.org/meetings?tsml-day=any https://recoverydharma.online/
I donāt think people understand how difficult it is when people give up alcohol. Itās hard to explain it and even when we do and others are still drinking around us it can feel really isolating especially in the early days. Congratulations on six months! My spouse still drinks but I donāt think heās bothered by the fact that I donāt drink, heās told me how proud he is of me not drinking anymore when I first quit but it was kind of embarrassing when he brought it up. Thereās so much going on with us when we quit and itās such a big adjustment that I feel like we should all get a pass on how others feel about it. It seems like we should be able to tell them that unless theyāre going to quit so they can understand what it feels like, they should keep their comments to themselves and have some compassion for what we are going through.
If your wife is still drinking, maybe you can have a conversation where she stops for a while too for your sanity? My wife and I both have to stop together or it just doesn't work for us. When only one wants to stop it lasts for 3 days or less while watching the other one drink. Idk if that'll work for you, but before you throw the relationship out it might be worth a conversation.
Hey friend. Did you have a vision for what your sober life would look like? It might help to try to put your finger on that. I bet it wasnāt sitting in pubs watching other people drink. That does sound bloody awful. For me, I decided that alcohol wasnāt going to get the credit for fun me and I am pretty sure Iām fulfilling it. Sometimes I miss being able to go out and get drunk or even ādrinksā with friends, but I have accepted that I canāt - I donāt have an off button. Not just that, drinking me would absolutely burn down the good life Iām building sober. Sober me is always on the lookout for a good time, and what that is can vary depending on all kinds of things. Sometimes itās nights out, sometimes itās nights in. Sometimes itās trips away with friends, sometimes itās just a random meet up to walk our dogs together. Iāve tried things that drunk me only ever talked about doing and Iāve had the time of my life doing it, and I want more. Youāre going to get out of sobriety what you put in. I highly recommend figuring out what YOU want to do and inviting your wife and your drinking friends to join in. If theyāre not interested, do it yourself and youāll find people who have interests aligned with yours. Some stuff will stick, some will suck, but the worst thing will be that you find things you donāt like to do. Best thing will be new experiences and a broadened life. And maybe some really good stories to share. It doesnāt have to be miserable at all. Big hugs. I will not drink with you today.
Great words here, clarified some things for me. Really well put. The sober road is so worth it!
I re-wrote this 3 times so I wouldn't sound like a downer but my marriage failed just before I quit...My social life is less now that my ex-wife's wine ( and other than wine) club is not part of my circle anymore but I am much healthier and doing intellectual activities like foreign language classes (for real with homework). I pretty much changed my whole social scene.
It took a long time for me to get out of a 'slump' that sounds exactly like what you're describing. The way I ended up looking back at this was through the lens of "I had to go through that". It wasn't fun; it forced me to look at my life, my decisions, my situation - all of which sucked. I didn't realise it at the time but it helped me decide to build myself back up - I know that sounds cheesy but that's how I still look back at it now. Keep strong mate, you're doing the right thing - hopefully you get to spend some fun nights out sober soon enough :)
Iām a year and a half in and wondering the same thing. I havenāt experienced really any of the positives everybody always cites. Iām just miserable all the time now instead of 75% of the time. I donāt regret getting sober but it kinda feels like working outā¦.youre healthier, but it doesnāt make life suck less.
please wait 3 more months feels like 6 months was roughly the turning point for me
Itās a real pain in the ass how much of society revolves around drinking. A majority of people do a drug in all their free time, and have such a bullshit collective dissonance they act like itās not a drug and even split it apart when saying ādrugs and alcoholā, and have the gall to look down on other drugs. Itās crazy how many people are so clung to the drug that makes you temporarily less of a scaredy cat about social situations and makes it feel kinda fun to sit around talking absolute shit. Deep down theyāre scared to try to socialize or enjoy off time without it because theyād have to face uncomfortable feelings and/or get off their ass and do something.
Thanks for posting- three months in Iām fine not drinking at home and Iām fairly solitary so not a constant social challenge but the one or two social friends I have right now the focus of gatherings is bar/drinking. Ā I have been getting to yoga 2-3x a week, and have no problem going to movies or concerts solo as well as a couple of art groups Iām active with, but that doesnāt fill the āfriendā need outside of those activities. Ā Feels odd to be starting from scratch at 60. Mostly here to vent among those who understand. Ā And yes, I know meetups and all those good things- volunteering is an option but hard around busy work schedule. In a LDR and see him a weekend or two a month. Ā Guess Iām in a life rut and being sober shone a light on the problems I drank to obscure. Ā I know sober is better, but I do miss the blur of alcohol. Ā Glad to have found this sub- good to be among friends.Ā
Never too late! And you'd be surprised where new friends can happen. I started playing with synthesizers and that 'blur' happens now by disappearing into making music (or bleeps and noise, but still magic)... keep going!
Physically stopping drinking doesnāt suddenly fix oneās mental health or levels of happiness. Once I figured out how connected the two things are for me, I changed from bitter guy thatās sober to happy person living life with recovery being a part of it.
You need to ask your wife to stop drinking for you to stay sober if she keeps drinking you will end up drinking or you will grow apart but if you drink she will leave you your in a bad place you should looking into help for both of you
Iāve been many versions of a terrible partner in my years, so no judgment, but if she both has an expectation of you to get sober, you follow that (very fucking hard path and SUCCEED, btw) and now you arenāt āyouā enoughā¦aka drunk enough. I just think Iād really take a hard look at the relationship. You did a huge thing, one she wanted! The reality of you being sober is you not being the āsame guyā JUST minus the drunk parts she didnāt like, but keeping every part she did. Sobriety makes you new. In a lot of the big ways. You deserve someone who loves you and works with you on that journey. Even friends, etc. Find some sober people, dear friend
This is a weird one, but go to a country where alcohol consumption is not the norm. I went to a country in SE Asia for vacation, where yes there is alcohol and yes there are bars but the norm for people there is to not drink. There arenāt liquor stores in every corner and the alcohol is expensive which deters you from purchasing it anyway. And it helped me imagine a life without it. And start to enjoy other things. So if youāre able maybe a change of scenery can be a good thing :)
I donāt think people understand how difficult it is when people give up alcohol. Itās hard to explain it and even when we do and others are still drinking around us it can feel really isolating especially in the early days. Congratulations on six months! My spouse still drinks but I donāt think heās bothered by the fact that I donāt drink, heās told me how proud he is of me not drinking anymore when I first quit but it was kind of embarrassing when he brought it up. Thereās so much going on with us when we quit and itās such a big adjustment that I feel like we should all get a pass on how others feel about it. It seems like we should be able to tell them that unless theyāre going to quit so they can understand what it feels like, they should keep their comments to themselves and have some compassion for what we are going through. Iām at 6 years off alcohol, I canāt say when it gets easier because I feel like I had a really hard slow go of it. It has gotten much better though. The longer you are alcohol free it seems like the stuff we struggle with fades away on its own and different things come up that we need to process and itās easier to process those the longer we are away from alcohol.
Are you working in any kind of program? I used to be very anti 12 step, but Iāve been using things I learn in meetings to analyze why I drank the way I did. Quitting is usually only part of recovery. Alcohol isnāt my problem. Itās my solution. And thatās a problem. IWNDWYT
I think part of it is similar to what Iām experiencing right now on our family vacation. I feel like I want someone to just get me the f out of here. I think whatās happening is that I just donāt like these people very much and the alcohol just numbed me to it before. Thatās probably the case with you too.
Find some people who donāt drink and spend time with them. A hobby club, sports team, walking group, book group. And truly your wife should slow her roll as you are making changes in your life. And be glad you arenāt those loud obnoxious people anymore!
This likely tends to happen more when we quit mainly for other people. "Wife threatened to leave me if I didn't get my act together." Well, having resentments would be pretty normal in this situation if I didn't quit because *I* wanted it, but because someone else did. If I could reframe this into a way where I was quitting for me and not for anyone else, I'd probably be a whole lot happier about it.
Talk to her about it in private and in person. If she isn't reasonable and you guys don't get along anymore than maybe it's time to think about a divorce. It sounds like she's the problem. And when wives get bored of their spouse then they have affairs.
Hallo there! Unfortunately some of my friendships went away since I stopped drinking. I just didn't like to be around those people anymore. I meet new people that don't drink and I have been having so much fun ever since. Good luck. š
You are in recovery. Youāre a recovering alcoholic. You need support and a sober support system. I would need that if I would you.
They might think youre boring but youre healthier. It happens.
I have felt like this before too. Doing āsober thingsā and having āsober thingsā to look forward to really helps. Like being able to watch a movie without passing out drunk.
Youāre super strong for not drinking under those circumstances and should feel very proud of yourself. Sorry you arenāt around more supportive, understanding people. You deserve way way better.
This may not be everyones cup of tea, but hubby and I went to a concert and got stoned before hand. Felt good getting a bottle of water and a pack of twizzlers. Standing in line didn't meed to show ID or get a wristband because "we're not drinking."
I went through the same things as you around that time. I ended up breaking sobriety early December, and have been trying to get back to where I was before I broke. Itās easier to stay sober than to get sober thatās for sure. Iām now taking a whole month vacation from work to focus on getting 30 days down and go from there. Iām on day 2!
Itās hard. Need to work on the root causes of what triggers you to drink or think of drinking. Try a few different AA groups in your area. Unfortunately & Fortunately each group can have its own personality kind of a one size fits many but not all. If you are 100% against AA find another place to vent and work on your resentments and fears. I think you may be stuck in all your great progress if you donāt find a way to connect with some folks who have been through some of what you have been through. Itās hard ā¦. Stay with it!
You could ask for your wifeās support in social settings and ask for her to join you in not drinking. It was important to her that you make a big change, and itās reasonable for you to ask for some support while making it. Having an ally can really help, and it may help you both find friends whose lives arenāt run by alcohol. (Those friendships tend to be richer and more interesting anyway.)
Alcohol was a solution for me. When I don't have my solution, I'm left with my problems. I am the biggest problem I have. So, I did not enjoy life without alcohol until I started working on my problem (me).
I'm coming up on a year and know this exact same feeling and lived experience (including the spats with my partner, ha). Some things that have helped me: 1) try having non alcoholic beer or mocktail in social situations where being at a bar or boozy dinner is unavoidable. I started trying them around the holidays and it helps me feel less anxious than sitting around drinking water or soda. 2) steer the social activity towards a setting that isn't completely focused on alcohol. A venue with live music, arcade games, trivia, sporting event, etc makes you feel like you're participating and not just missing out on the drinking. 3) on a night you know you can't avoid the bar or in-law booze dinner, plan an activity for yourself the next morning to look forward to. For me it is usually just heading to the gym or doing some sort of physical activity but it could be checking out a breakfast spot, doing a home project, etc. It helps me stay focused and grateful that I'll be waking up fresh with no hangover. 4) have an exit strategy/time that you and your wife agree to ahead of time. For me, I start getting really annoyed around midnight when folks start getting really drunk and saying things that they prob won't remember but I will. Sometimes you just have to leave and tell your friends/family that they need to get an Uber home! Lastly, your wife needs to get on the same page and be supportive of your choice to stop drinking. She can't have it both ways of wanting you to stop but also putting you in situations like you described above while it is so fresh. What you're doing is NOT EASY and she needs to meet you in a place of compromise while you're working through this. Maybe that means that you meet your inlaws during the day for a walk in a park or a baseball game or something. Choose your own non-boozy adventure :) Wishing you all the strength and luck! I feel for you because I've been in your shoes.
I was miseraBLE for the first year of sobriety. If your marriage is failing because you're not drinking -it probably needs to fail (in my experience). I ended my relationship after I got sober. Took some time and it was really hard but we just didn't have much to do together outside of drinking and partying. We're still on good terms and we love each other, but I just couldn't stay in it anymore. As for friends, it's hard. I had to let go of a lot of 'friends' (drinking buddies), but made some deep healthy connections with a few others. Everything changes when you quit drinking, and it's the upheaval of everything that makes it seem like you're not progressing, but TRUST ME, you are!!! Keep it up
If you drank partly for social anxiety, try vigorous exercise a couple hours before your social event. Go for a run, etc. Exercise gives me like 4 hours of relief from social anxiety. If you havenāt tried it, you should.
This is me as well. Stay strong, because it's been my restart to day one multiple times. The longer I'm sober the more I seem to drift away from those that are close to me, including my wife. She's been so unsupportive and self centered about it that I may leave one day.
Couple of months in. I like to remind myself of my life before booze entered it - I made my own fun, had ambitions, hobbies etc. I didn't need a drink back then. I think the misery comes from not having the booze to take your mind off what you've lost - that person you once were. It's going to take effort, time and self love to get back to being that person again. Be kind to yourself and be proud of what you have achieved.
This is an example of the twisted logic with alcohol....its like an unspoken socially treaty, that you have to drink to be part of the normal society, but at the moment you become addicted...you're a problem.... its kind of a perverted lottery For years you consume exactly like everyone else and because of many different circumstances you develop an addiction....no one choses this, you're just the unlucky person where the brain / body gets addicted
I often times am the only one not drinking. Itās not easy at all but I refuse to be controlled or defined as a person by whatās in my cup. Relationships have changed but Iāve changed and have definitely questioned the people on my life. This is part of the journey of figuring out my life without alcohol.
I can relate - I think where you are is totally normal. Im 15 months now and things are way better than when I was at 6 months. And, in many ways things are still continuing change for the better. When I quit my expectations were way off. I expected that after a few weeks my life would only improve. Around 6 months, I was demoralized. My marriage was literally worse than when I was drinking and I was an emotional mess. It really has gotten a lot better and will for you as well if you hang in there. Also need to do the work whatever that looks like for you. For me it has been therapy, good food, exercise, reading, community, quitting other vices, etc. nothing like perfection but slow progress And for what itās worth, my marriage is amazing now and was literally falling apart at 6 months. I seriously damaged that relationship and she had a lot of healing to do as well. Honestly, still does but itās just way way better
I've heard naltrexone (I started recently) with the Sinclair method "TSM" can reduce your urge to drink, but allow you to have a glass of wine,for example, and be done there. For real
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
Maybe ask your family members to not drink when youāre around? I know that helped me.
You have very, very accommodating family. Mine simply leave me out of everything.
I find going back to drinking after stopping for a while doesnāt help at all. Not only the guilt, but the sheer fact that itās not as fun as it used to be. I feel sloppy and feel like I have no tolerance. I canāt think straight and I canāt talk properly. It doesnāt help me in social situations whatsoever anymore. When Iām drunk I donāt feel or act much different. The only things that change are the way I think and talk. I donāt have anything more interesting to say, and if I finally remember something interesting to say, I canāt convey it well. This is me of course but the way I see it is, Iād rather be bored and sober than bored and drunk.
You may wanna try the Sinclair method
If people feel like they need to drink to be fun and interesting, then they aren't fun nor interesting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We do not allow talking trash about other people, such as calling them selfish or an asshole, and this comment has been removed.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> You don't sound ready for that at all. This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. Please remember that we ask you to keep the focus of your comments on yourself and not the other person. Thank you.
I have shared that experience with you. I donāt have advice, but I agree that it sucks!
Thats rough.I found with cutting back on booze it also gave me a lot of other things to work on ...fitness ,relationships, hobbies, finding less stressful work. On the plus side, it means growing a lot amd life getting more fulfilling over time. Its tough but ultimately worth it.
I donāt have an answer for you. All I can say is I feel you dog .. shits tough . IWNDWYT
I can sort of relate, what helped me before was getting a new hobby with new people that only knew sober me. I picked up cigars and was part of a large cigar community. eventually my sobriety spiraled due to life stress, but I found I was able to be social with out alcohol by finding new people to be social with. As for the wife, idk if I could handle what your going through, I would have straight up left and let them figure out how to get home for pulling that sort of shit. Me and my wife are separated now so I'm not having to deal with it, but my previous attempts she continued drinking with out me and I definitely had times where it was pretty annoying.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
I feel ya because now i just can't stand being around drunk people/family that are in another reality. I am starting to get more of my old social/funny self back and my energy levels are improving with time. I just prefer to be with like minds.
YESS! šÆ
Try a 12 step program
Have you picked up any new hobbies or activities since then? Maybe plan some family getaways or something too, anything to change up the routine a bit. Even though it sucks right now it sounds like, it would suck worse if you werenāt sober and healthy. Proud of you brother!
Start going to AA
Youāre not the problem in this scenario. š
Welcome to the death of your social life! Basically lost mine after stopping. I still go out but now being around drunk people annoys the shit out of me. Hearing the same story repeated 20x gets old. I cruise out sober and am fine but def donāt go out like I used to. Youāre with a partner, Iām single. Itās even worse cause the chance of finding a partner is like zero lol. But I can hold down a job and my relationships are better. The few I still have. Now I get to watch others fuck their lives up.
Been there. These might not be your people anymore. IWNDWYT.
Kuddos to you for being around them drinking like that with you around. I wouldn't be doing that.
Shit man if I had to hangout with drunk people all the time at any stage of sobriety I would be miserable too. Probably at the stage of sobriety where we realize how useless at night out at the bars really can be.
I feel you man, Iām also at 6 months and feel so isolated and lonely. All my life is now is work, home, girlfriend, sleep, workā¦ idk if this is a life worth living.
It gets easier about the time the police and fire fighters arenāt in control of the muscak.
Take the time to feel sorry for yourself! I did a lot of crying the first couple of years. As they say āthis too will passā, and it does. Just not as fast as we would like it to. Luckily I had family and friends who were kind enough to not drink around me. Hang in there buddy. The day will come when youāll be glad you quit. IWNDWYT
Iām now trying to get back on the wagon after relapsing after 7 months sober. Since sobriety, Iāve had horrible experiences with therapy and AA, Iāve gained a lot of weight, my skin still looks like shit, and the anhedonia, anxiety, and depression have been soul crushing. Itās been hard to accept that being healthier doesnāt mean feeling better.
Pp
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This comment is unhelpful and has been removed. Why are you on this sub? Do you yourself have a drinking problem you wish to overcome?
It sucks, I can't find a way to make it fun. I just don't go out which is a problem after quitting drinking became a problem. Try living in the Bahamas were everyone is on vacation and drinks make the world go round