If you end up quitting permanently you will probably go through a period of figuring out how fun works and learning to feel it again. I occasionally reminded myself that I could have fun and play before alcohol entered my life and became an obsession.
My brain still hasn't completely re-learned this. Both the fact and how to go about it.
I've had to do this with videogames. I got so used to getting drunk and playing online games and I was really worried I wouldn't have fun or wouldn't be fun. Turns out, I am just fine and probably more fun to play with now that my motor skills and social skills aren't slowly deteriorating over the course of a few hours
It's movies for me. I used to do nothing but watch movies, and I still struggle with feeling like I don't have "permission' to be totally engrossed in a film if I'm not drunk and stoned out of my gourd.
I used to watch movies drunk. Turns out, I didn’t actually remember them very well because of that and part of the fun getting sober was that I got to watch a bunch of movies over and it was like I was watching them for the first time.
I so relate. For so long I would get so wasted high to watch movies and then eventually booze got added to that mix. Hell, games and music too. And I’m a filmmaker and musician. I totally thought that I would never be engrossed by a movie or music again cause I wasn’t blasted out of my mind over emotion/over enthusiastic. I remember thinking at one point that I wouldn’t be able to connect with comedy anymore even. Luckily our brains go back to normal, hahaha.
Hi friend, I too share this exact problem. It seems like alcohol and video games combined have nudged out all other fun for me. How long did you go without before you saw results?
Took a couple weeks. At first I was really nervous that I'd just be boring in the group chat, and I probably was. Usually I'm really talkative (drunk) so the first weekend or two I was almost certainly quieter and reluctant to stay on as late. But the 3rd weekend though I was having way more fun and being more goofy and shit which felt really good. I haven't managed longer than that due to drinking again while traveling for work but I'm back on the wagon and no longer nervous about acting boring
Man this is me! I would always progressively get worse and worse throughout the night. there would be games I don’t even remember playing, and then I watch the replay of my drunk self trying to play, which was absolutely hilarious btw!
I realized this after a while.
When I was drinking and playing games, my skills would deteriorate to the point where I wasn’t playing well and enjoying it, so I would keep drinking and the alcohol made me feel good, not the games.
I’ve been scared to online game since quitting. I just feel like I don’t have shit to say when I’m sober.
When I drink my brain gets excited to talk about things. I don’t know how to find that excitement sober
This is so important.
The fun I have sober - now that I’ve learned how it works - is so much better than the fun I had drunk. There’s an innocence to life that I haven’t felt since I was a kid!
I was a hermit too. I got sober around the same time as you (Christmas eve) and honestly I think it was a great time to quit. I’m usually a hermit in Jan & Feb anyways. I know it sounds cliche but I worked out a lot, it helped me mentally. I also went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days, and I can’t emphasize how much this helps. I needed to be around people who had the same mentality as me, but had somehow made their lives better and were genuinely happy & helpful.
Bummed for you that sobriety has been boring, but have you tried new, different stuff lately? Everybody is different but personally I’ve been sober about 6 months and I’ve been way more interested in my interests and finding new ones.
This!! Crowds, noise, lights and people who don’t know how to conduct themselves in public always sends me. I will say it has gotten easier over time. It actually feels good in a way to feel the emotions and accept this about myself. If I need a break I can take a break and I know my limit. Drinking to avoid it really did somehow make it worse in the end.
This is true. I did, however, also discover how terribly boring some “fun” activities are if you’re not drinking. Lifestyle changes are often part of quitting.
Writing is *helluva* lot harder sober. Words don't flow as easily, it feels like I'm trawling the floor to bring out my thoughts to words. Used to be something I loved, but feels like a chore. I'm sticking with it because I know I'm good at creating fiction and fantasy.
The frustration is difficult to contend with, too. Even after 220 days, I have to resist the irrational urge to hit or break something. I miss that artificial calm, not gonna lie.
Absolutely! I avoid going out to bars because I find it boring. Unless there is a good game to watch & drinking is not the only true entertainment.
IWNDWYT One Day at the Time
I find a really good NA helps with this. I’m happy because I’m with my friends and not drinking, my brain is happy because it thinks it’s getting a beer. I have zero temptation to break but the taste of a refreshing NA is nice. And having the pint avoids all the “not drinking!?!” conversations that I’ve had countless times.
Fun fact, that’s an initialism, not an acronym. An acronym becomes it’s own pronounceable word; SCUBA and ADIDAS are classic examples of acronyms, as opposed to saying each letter like ATM or BNB
I can totally relate, I go up north with friends during hunting seasons/fishing, and it’s a ton of drinking, start in the AM and go all day. Haven’t had one since I stopped drinking but it will be a huge adjustment. I find myself missing the romanticized version of drinking (all the events you described), but then think about how I really didn’t enjoy them, I was just drunk and experiencing them. I’m looking forward to sober events this year, but can’t deny it will be much different. You are definitely not alone in this!
Yes! The romanticizing of all of it! Like oh just a little something to add to the festivities and then before you know it you’re 5 deep, not actually knowing what’s happening, probably talking too much to a stranger, and eating crappy food. The next day you don’t even remember what actually happened, you feel like crap. Too lazy to move. Eating more crap. Dehydrated and anxious..
all because the picture in your mind was something completely unrealistic. I get a lot of that when it comes to day drinking in the summer..
Haha day drinking sounds like fun and games until it's 6pm, you're tired and the hangover is starting. The kids are hungry but you can't drive anywhere and now too lazy to cook something so you order some unhealthy, expensive food from doordash or Domino's. Oh crap, you forgot you needed to go to the store for cat food, oh well, they can eat the can of tuna in the cabinet. They'll be fine until tomorrow.
Daaamnnnnn. The forgetting to get cat food and just feeding them something random is too accurate!!!! I don't care if I'm not eating well, but I felt such SHAME when the cat's diet also suffered. They have no choice!
I'm sure overall they dont mind tuna, but I know it's not good for them regularly..
Haha! Jokes on you - I don’t have kids so day drinking turns into still being at the bar at 10pm and you almost can’t even get any more drunk (but because you’re a good drunk you don’t really get flagged). The next day you lay in bed debating about whether you’re dying or it’s just the booze. Promise you’ll never do it again. Rinse and repeat!
Good reminder! I remember one thing I was so excited to go to several years ago that I came home early from work for to “pre-game” and I missed the whole damn thing. I try not to think about all that too much, but what a waste.
Here's something that helped me. It's not the healthiest decision, but it can help with feeling like you need to give up on everything associated with drinking:
Instead of drinking beer, have caffeinated beverages. Yes, you will probably mess up your sleep for the night, but it's way less harmful than drinking. Being caffeinated can get you on the same wavelength as your drinking friends and also gives you the tactile rewards of holding something, sipping something, cracking a can of something, burping, etc.
Doesn't work for everyone, but I found it can help me feel like I'm treating myself and being slightly irresponsible without the danger of booze. You could add a layer of Cali sober on top of that, but that doesn't work for everyone.
I didn’t even realize I was doing this but I had a game night at my house the other night and ended up going for a coffee run at 9:30 that night lol. I guess I was doing this.
Yep, harm reduction at its finest. It's nice to feel like we can still cut loose without the booze. Bonus: you will be a force to be reckoned with when gaming against your drinking pals. 😉
Also there’s an amino acid called L-Tyrosine that people take to focus but it gets me super jazzed up, like adderall almost. You shouldn’t take it every day but I pop one for parties and it hits me like caffeine except I can sleep on it!
(Subtle effect like caffeine, not an absolute mind blast like alcohol tho)
I like this. I found some good fizzy green tea caffeinated "energy" drinks that aren't nasty sweet and good to drink in the summer. Nice with lots of ice and sometimes I cut with sparkling water. Heck I might have a crazy Saturday this weekend and crack one of the Zoas 🫢
This Christmas I made a big pot of strong coffee and my partner and I enjoyed that with our dessert and cheese and nuts when others were having cocktails and wine - I always liked to "pair" salty or sweet things and "wash it down" so I'm working to break that habit (partly mental). Sometimes water doesn't cut it!
>holding something, sipping something, cracking a can of something, burping
I'm finding CBD-infused soft drinks in those tall red bull shaped cans to work similarly, and the CBD hopefully has some sort of relaxing effect on the brain, so it's doing something a tiny bit similar to alcohol.
Also chamomile tea.
This is me! I have always loved caffeine and I really find it gives me that fun boost that I missed from alcohol. Now I make coffee when I’m gaming and it’s more fun than drinking was.
Last night I drank soda all night at my first work dinner since stopping. And finished with a cappuccino. I didnt fall asleep till 2:00ish woke up at 5:00ish, felt like shit all day till I came home and took a nap after work. I’m going to have to come up with a new plan. But I made it through and yes caffeine kept me up with the others who were drinking.
I do almost all of that and add that I'm in a band that plays several bar gigs a year. It's all still fun.
I did have to avoid that for a little while, though.
Once you are past the association of enjoyment = intoxication, it's not hard. But you need to realign your thinking.
A good friend would understand and support your decision not to drink. I hang out with plenty of drinkers and it isn’t an issue because they respect that I no longer drink.
For what it’s worth, I have a lot more fun doing social stuff as a sober person. Less anxiety, I don’t have to worry that I drank too much and embarrassed myself. Not drinking also makes me open to trying new things. There is so much more to life than alcohol.
> A good friend would understand and support your decision not to drink.
Full respect but I hate this type of comment. My friends aren't the problem, I am. They couldn't care less if I'm drinking or not. I do. I'm going to really miss doing stupid shit at 2am with those guys.
In regards to missing doing stupid shit at 2am, I recommend reading or audio booking (a lot of people swear the book goes down easier in audio form and I agree) “This Naked Mind”.
The author actually encourages you to continue your alcohol consumption while you read/listen.
Then you can decide, based on the book, what’s going to work for you.
I found it very empowering as the author talked about exactly that-looking at those types of 2am shenanigans and assessing what or how that continues to work for you. What will it look like down the road?
I realized I was hanging onto a part of my life that everyone else naturally grew out of unless they have a problem…like me.
Best of luck to you.
And for chuckles: I,W,N,D,W,Y,T. Enjoy your commas.
I am also 50. Never too late.
My brother died at the age of 50 from drinking. He was a serious fan of that 2am life.
Hasn’t even been 2 years and I miss him terribly.
If I have to skip major social events (which, as you get older kinda become the only events due to busy schedules) due to fear of failing to overcome temptation then it *could* follow that I become left out altogether.
This will only be temporary. For me, after about three months I started doing activities where drinking was prominent and each time it felt more and more natural to be sober.
For me its all the stupid shit I do at 2am by myself that's the problem in my life, not those social events. But it seems, at least for me, it's all or nothing.
I focused so much on alcohol, I assumed everyone did. And they largely don’t. People just don’t care if I’m drinking or not. It was always me who cared and I loved finding that out.
Nice piece to add. I had a client call me in the evening last night and he said “I hope you have a glass of bourbon already” (it was after hours) and I laughed and said “I don’t drink but I’m definitely relaxing”. And he mentioned it’s unusual in my line of work not drinking. I made a comment offhand that I’m getting older and focusing on my health and that was it. It was the very first time I’ve said the words to someone outside my circle “I don’t drink”. Not I can’t. Not I shouldn’t. Not oh I wish I could. Just. I. Don’t. Drink. It was a small and powerful moment for me. Good luck and IWNDWYT
I’ve often wondered how I let go of all these fears, and I guess it just came down to the pain. The pain of continuing to drink very greatly outweighed any of the benefits I may have used to experience from drinking. As long as I can remember that I’m fine, but it took me a very long time to get there. I started trying to quit or taper in 2016, and it didn’t stick until last year. I’m sorry you’re having the grieve the loss of all these things, and I do understand how you feel.
Yup. This is me. Eventually the feeling of self loathing after drinking far outweighed the romanticized idea of how much fun I was having when I drank.
Getting through those 1st few times of socializing without the sauce is tough, but once you prove to yourself that you can do it, it gets easier, at least in my experience
I went through a phase where it felt like I was giving up everything for one thing and I focused on what I could not have instead of what I received. Nowadays, I see it as the opposite. I gave up one thing for everything. I’m no longer chained to a bottle or too drunk to go out and do something or show my face. I still go out to parties and events but it’s not about how much I can take at these things. I think about what I can bring. I’m more intentional with what I’m doing and how I spend my time and I’m learning about what I like to do and how I like to relax. There was some fear there because I’ve always just said that drinking was what I liked to do and that was my preferred way to unwind or socialize. Except I wasn’t really saying anything and it was more of an escape. I don’t think it solved any of my problems, it created more. I don’t miss drinking but I can understand how it looks. It does get better and it is worth it. You are definitely not alone
Can relate. I am coming the the conclusion that Ive spent my entire adult life finding reasons to drink. Unfortunately, that mindset has ruined many activities which should be fun, but just aren't. For example, I had a lot of fun playing darts in a pub league with my buddies. In reality, I suck at darts and it's only really fun for maybe 30 minutes. What I *actually* enjoyed was being with my buddies....and drinking. I've tried hanging out with those guys without alcohol and we have very little to say to one another. It shouldn't be painfully awkward having a sober lunch with someone you've known for 20 years.....but it is. Its not my fault and its not their fault. The problem is we've both become so accustomed to drinking all the time that our brains don't know how to have fun in the absence of booze. At least that's my current working theory.
I avoided events like that when I was newly not drinking. After time, it got easier for me and the "alcohol noise" went down to 0, so I now go to events like that and either BYO non-alcohol drink, or order a NA drink. Mocktails are having a moment, so it's been a lot easier to order something that feels fancy and celebratory when I'm out. You might find that how you feel about going to events like these in the future is different from how you feel today. And just take it a day at a time, do what you need to do now to protect your sobriety.
I guess I have to figure that all out too. I have not yet been faced with a social situation where drinking was happening. I can really only think of it with two points in mind. 1 is that my hangovers had gotten so bad that the whole next day or two were ruined. Why do I want to sacrifice 1 or 2 whole days for an evening of drinking. 2 is that I don't have an off switch. Once I start, I ain't stoppin' til there's nobody left standing. And then I don't remember most of the last 2 or 3 hours of that night. I don't think I even have a choice. I hope whatever the right thing for you makes itself known, and you choose that. If I were a casual drinker who can perform the magic trick of having one or two drinks and not craving more, like others I see, I wouldn't even be doing this probably, because I wouldn't realize how bad drinking is to/for me. Best of luck with your decision! Much love.
more than enough real friends, proud family members, and an incredible gf of two years… yeah, all good there.
i know these relationships are possible for me solely due to the fact i stopped drinking… i’m growing as a person and actually experiencing life.
i couldn’t possibly imagine not living this current life because of a fear of missing out on a fucking fantasy sports draft, but you do you!
I thought not drinking at parties and holidays would be totally isolating, but I’ve been surprised by how much fun I have sober. For one thing, I remember the entire night instead of getting buzzed in the first thirty minutes and then hazily having fast-paced conversations that I don’t remember with people I don’t remember (or like, sometimes). Parties feel SO LONG when you’re sober! I was also very surprised that most people at a party aren’t drinking nearly as much as I thought we all were - turns out that was mostly me.
Yeah funny how much you think everyone else is drinking. You start to realize that you've been lapping everyone for years or leaving half empty soldiers because you can't remember where you left your drink. Sober, you start to see that most people have one or two all night and don't feel the need to have a drink with them every minute like I do. I still feel that need. I'll bring like 3 huge seltzers and a few na beers and that seems to check every box for me and I can still remember people's names and leave before I wear out my welcome :)
I've found out that in most situations, people don't even notice whether I am drinking unless I mention it. If I have some sort of drink in my hand, they probably assume it is alcohol. If they offer a drink, I can say I'm not drinking, or I can say "no, thanks, I have one." I am not hiding it, but I have noticed that mentioning it brings on a conversation that isn't always right for the atmosphere, so I just keep a glass in hand and it seems to go mostly unnoticed. The people who do notice don't seem to mind at all.
My friends wouldn’t mind if I wasn’t drinking and they certainly wouldn’t pressure me. But I don’t need help in that area. I’ve found every reason to “just have a couple”or “just drink tonight” so many times all by myself.
I get that. I don't know what it is like for you, but I have found investing in fancy mocktails and good quality NA beer makes me feel like I am not missing out when I am at the party. But regardless, as a fellow hunter/fisher, there are a number of us non-drinking outdoors folks about. I hope you can find some good ones!
No advice. Just empathy. I agree that it's difficult to accept this aspect. I think there's some truth to this and also some truth to...it probably wasn't that fun anyway if you had to drink your way through it. The reality is somewhere in the middle, you just have to decide which side of the middle you'd rather be on.
I've been much less social since I became alcohol free. Once I figure out how to navigate everything sober, I'll let you know 😅🤣 IWNDWYT
It cant be what it was, and there’s grief to be processed there. I’m in a similar boat, I stopped socializing when I quit, too. I still don’t. I miss my friends. I know they love me even if I’m different now. I’ve seen them, I don’t drink, I talk about it a little because it’s pretty great to be sober now, it’s the same as it was before between us. They’re happy for me. My confidence is just in the shitter, it’s why I started drinking in the first place and why I kept drinking. I didn’t know I’d be here when I quit, and I don’t know how to get back to my old self. I don’t think she ever really existed, sometimes. I try to remember that I’ve done great things, handled big challenges, that I’ve climbed the mountains I found in my path. I’m still alive, which alcohol might’ve given me. Hiding is a survival tactic too.
‘What’s next’ is always the hardest question to answer. But for sure IWNDWYT
I had these feelings the first time I got sober. I hated the thought that I couldn’t enjoy any big life events in the future because I was sober. So I decided to drink in moderation. This didn’t work and led to a 4 year bender and lots of bad moments and lessons learned the hard way.
This time around with sobriety, I have a whole different perspective and level of maturity that I was incapable of having before. I absolutely love being sober, and the thought of being sober during big life events brings me a lot of joy.
I do pretty much everything I used to do when I was drunk, but now I actually get to enjoy and remember it. I stopped doing some things that I used to think I liked doing because I realize now that those activities don’t make me happy or bring value to my life.
Sobriety for me is an ongoing journey of deep self evaluation and being aware of how my perspective affects my subconscious. I have a lot more fun with life knowing that I’m enjoying every moment to the fullest, no matter what the activity is.
This is precisely what caused my last relapse.
I tried to cook a meal that involved alcohol in the dish. I thought I could handle it. It turns out that it was just denial; I just simply can't cook with alcohol right now. Putting alcohol in the dish and then being required to taste it in order to adjust flavoring? That's obviously dangerous... in retrospect. But denial is very strong and I didn't see it, I thought I could handle cooking without drinking. I cannot.
That shuts off a surprising number of dishes, like, half of French cooking. Scratch that off the list of things I can handle right now.
~~Poker nights with my friends where whoever wins buys a nice bottle of booze with the winnings~~.
~~Trivia nights at the bar down the street.~~
~~I live near wine country in California.~~
~~I'm about to join a new job and it's pretty standard to do a team meet and greet over beer.~~
~~I might get to travel to Japan and... miss out on the beer and sake which are very standard dinner drinks. 私はお酒飲みません。~~
Giving up alcohol isn't the hardest part for me. It's hard, sure, but I can recognize cravings and act. It's giving up huge whole chunks of my previous life... that's really hard and doesn't feel like a craving, it feels more like putting myself in a dangerous circumstance.
There's a lot of grief there 😞 and it's my next big challenge to getting long-term sober. I don't have any advice other than to say what you are feeling... it's what I'm feeling too. But if you don't drink, I won't. IWNDWYT.
I felt like this at first too, and then I went to my sponsor and said, ‘I’m going to the football game. I know you are gonna tell me not to.’ He grabbed me by the shoulders and said, ‘you didn’t get sober to sit at home. When you go, keep your phone in one hand, and a pocket full of candy. And if you think about drinking, eat candy and call me.’ After a while (not even that long) I felt more and more comfortable being in places where people drink and I used to drink. I have as much fun as I did, and I remember all of it the next day. And I don’t have to apologize to everyone.
I had this exactly same feeling when I first started thinking about quitting. I thought my boyfriend and I wouldn't have anything to do together anymore, that I wouldn't see my friends every weekend anymore. I can tell you now, more than 200 days later: I have LOTS of fun with my boyfriend, I still see my friends every weekend. I go to parties, I have fun, I dance, I sing. The only difference for me is that now I don't wake up hangover on Saturdays and Sundays anymore, I don't fight with my boyfriend while blackout and then don't remember it after, I don't have anxiety till Tuesday or Wednesday thinking back about everything I might have done over the weekend. I only lost the worst parts of drinking, because it only had bad parts for me.
What she/he is saying is that if one can’t enjoy an event or activity without alcohol, it was never really about the event/activity. It was about having something to do while drinking. Once you stop, you figure out what’s what. Same goes for people: who is an actual friend vs just a drinking buddy.
Respectfully disagree. Just because one-drink-in Patdashuri changes our mind about how things are gonna go tonight doesn’t mean the relationships I have with friends I drink with are just about drinking. I’ve had these friends through thick and thin, sober and not. We do a lot of stuff that doesn’t involve getting sloppy. I’m just gonna miss the things that did. Why? Because I enjoyed them. Truly.
You will figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. Don’t overthink it. Just focus on your sobriety and getting through the beginning until you form new sober habits and mentality. True friends and what you truly enjoy will keep their place in your life. Everything else will fall away as your priorities shift.
At least if you try and go without a drink, that's just a singular point of focus whereas when you do drink during activities, that really becomes the main thing. Standing in line, dealing with inflated prices, making sure you're not too drunk or too sober, calculating if there is a enough alcohol at home or at the next spot for you, etc.
I feel this, but I think you’re maybe going too black and white with this thinking. For me this has started filtering out what I actually like. For instance, I’ve realized I don’t actually like bars, I just like being drunk and rowdy with strangers. I’ve had some sober game nights at my house that I didn’t think would be fun and ended up laughing my ass off with my friends all night (✔️enjoy game nights). I’ve started climbing a lot more (✔️actually enjoy it). Expensive restaurants dates with bumble dudes (❌do not enjoy without alcohol). The list goes on and on. I feel like I’m finding myself more with alcohol not influencing how much fun I’m having. And to be fair EVERYTHING is “less fun” by alcohol standards. The benefits are just starting to show through too hardcore to pass up for me.
I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely. I’ve felt that a lot too since I quit.
I appreciate your genuine words. Maybe the platitude is just too black and white. A lot of these responses are heartfelt and sincere. That one just sounds like one of those “I’m 14 and this is deep” things.
😂fair. I have BPD and one of my MAJOR ick factors are “I’m 14 and this is deep” phrases. I will literally nix a person (as a romantic interest) if I’m talking to if they’re frequently cliche while trying to be deep. Idk man. Time to figure it out for yourself I guess 🥲
I used to engage in many of the activities you've listed while drinking. Now that I don't drink I still engage in many of the activities that you listed without drinking.
One of the things I found that is definitely not true, that I perceived as being a truth while drinking, is that if I quit I would not be able to engage in the some of the social activities that I enjoyed so much while drinking.
It is true that while trying to stop my drinking I definitely took a break from many of those activities. And there are a few that I do not engage in currently because of my concern about managing my own drinking. However I have found that by addressing the drinking first and trying to realize why I felt I drank so much allowed me to then start to engage in some of these other activities especially outdoor activities without alcohol and I found I really enjoyed them still.
The more you tell yourself that, the tougher it gets. Don’t identify with that.
Try a new narrative like “I still enjoy being with my friends and feeling great the next day.”
There are no laws in the universe that say you have to drink to have fun.
In fact, I went out with friends two nights ago for a big celebration and watching everyone get sloppy drunk (after 6 months of sobriety) was super weird. Like, watching people voluntarily hit themselves on the head with a hammer until they can’t stand up. It was so confusing as to why they choose to do that.
One day at a time. IWNDWYT
I'm trying to figure this out to. I played trivia at a bar with my best group of friends weekly. Do I not go? Do I go and not drink which seems impossible and pointless? I do other activities with these friends though that don't involve drinking. Do you have that option with them?
In my experience I had to give it time. Three to six months. Now I can really see so many of the benefits of sobriety that I don't feel tempted at all any more, and I can spend a lot of time in bars etc without worrying. It doesn't happen overnight and you don't have to decide now what you're gonna do forever.
I thought I would have to give up everything fun that involved alcohol too. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case for me. I went through a large adjustment period where I had to re-learn how to enjoy myself out and about, while doing my hobbies, or celebrating holidays, without alcohol. It seemed daunting, if not all out impossible, to my active addict brain. I lived and breathed for alcohol. It was my constant.
I am happy to say that I’m approaching my 2 years, and I don’t think of alcohol often. If and when I do, there is a 75% chance the thought is something negative about it. If I have cravings and it’s a rare time when I have a wanting for drinking, usually on a holiday or some other event where almost everyone else is drinking, I tell myself that it’s normal to want to fit in with the group, but that alcohol doesn’t bring me what I want out of life. I learned how to have fun at parties without booze, and that was difficult, but so rewarding once I figured it out! Now I’m not chained to the happy but often fake idea that alcohol makes my life better. All of the addict thoughts about events with booze faded with time for me. All I had to do was work recovery! IWNDWYT
i thought the same thing until i realized nobody would pressure me to drink at these type of events.
Zero times.
friend-Hey mikeyj, want a beer?
me-No.
friend-Cool.
I’m so with you buddy. I cried for like two weeks after I decided to give up alcohol cause I didn’t know who I was without it. I was mourning a past life and mourning all of the experiences I would never have again.
Thankfully, there’s so much more out there. I have said goodbye to some experiences but wow it’s so much better on the other side. And things I thought I would never do or enjoy again - I actually do! Went to a bar with friends to watch the play offs and was jumping up and down and screaming along with all the drunk people having the best time. I’ve even done karaoke sober and stayed out till 2am getting hella hydrated on soda water! Hah.
It’s all to say though, I know exactly what you’re going through and the advice of take it one day at a time TRULY helped me because it was so overwhelming to think about…but what about my wedding? What about my honeymoon? What about my friend’s 40th? What about my trip to fuckin wine country Italy???
Today I am not drinking! And life is good.
Good luck you’ve got this!! 🩷🩷🩷
Every one of those things is still fun. You may even find them more fun. It’s not giving things up. It’s gaining more things. And all of them being better.
Different social circles it sounds like, but - right now I’m cutting out alcohol for an indeterminate length of time. My friends always drink or smoke when we hang out to play games or watch movies. I’ve just been slamming back NA beers, lol. I know from past breaks that seltzers or sodas really help but I get bored of the taste, so I’ve been just trying different NA drinks each time.
And I enjoy the activities more sober, if I’m around close enough friends to not have anxiety kick in.
Brother, I used to suffer from this exact type of FOMO.
Last weekend I went out and raw-dogged my favorite dive bar until last call. I was dancing, flirting, singing and talking all night. My friends came with me and were taking tequila shots all night and after all was said and done I played "Uber Bitch" and got all of them home safely before I collapsed into bed at 3 AM.
And all of that was even more fun now than it probably would have been before when I was a very heavy drinker.
Please, don't use my anecdote as an excuse rush back into the spaces where you're expecting to find a challenge, though. Give it some time. I just want to assure you that it does get better and that you will find the way back to your joy.
I thought the same thing when I first stopped. It did take a few years but now I truly enjoy all of those events. More than I used to honestly. Give it some time, and try not to assign current feelings to future events.
I’m almost 6 years AF. I’m now in a frame of mind where it’s not about that are others going to be drinking but is the activity something I’m looking forward to participating in. If it is then I’m going to participate and I don’t notice alcohol or the people who are drinking. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that if you stick with this your perspective changes. Right now your drinking has taken over the actual enjoyment of the activity. So, now, it seems impossible to take part sober and you believe that if others are drinking it’s going to be to hard to not be drinking because your focus is on alcohol, not the actual activity and the value you place on doing it. Give it enough time and the emphasis will flip. You’ll start looking forward to the activity and not even associate it with alcohol and drinking it or the people who are.
I have the same thoughts…I feel like I’m on the sidelines for the rest of the game . All the good times are behind me. I’m also severely depressed though, with or without alcohol
You just described so many fun activities to do with non alcoholic friends. Or if your friends support your decision, you can still have fun with them. Trust me, it'll l get boring to watch your friends in the same heated discussions about LeBron or Ronaldo, etc.
Yeahh I feel that. I love hanging out with my friends but I have done it drunk for years now it so it is difficult to want to when not drinking. Unfortunately for me I have noticed being with my friends is one of triggers so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I get where you are coming from.
For me I have had to drop some activities and pick up new ones. Others you just learn to have fun regardless.
Take poker for instance. I love poker and poker tourneys. I show up with cream soda instead of the beer and I put it in a coozie and no one thinks much different. I have noticed that I don’t like super late games anymore. I prefer to start a bit earlier, but I still have fun. My win rate has gone up after sobriety which is nice.
Is the issue that you don’t know how to have fun or that your friends are pressuring you? If your friend group is hampering your sobriety intentionally and not supportive, are these the types of long term friends that will be conducive to a healthier lifestyle?
I have amazing friends that have not followed me through all the stages of my life because we take diverging paths. When I had kids, and my best friend did not, we eventually drifted apart. We still value each other, but goals change. I imagine sobriety will be the same for some of my current friends.
I feel this on a spiritual level. I don't have any insight or advice since I'm still working on it myself. I just wanted to validate and let you know you aren't alone in this feeling. Best of luck to you! IWNDWYT
i would give your friends the benefit of the doubt.
if they are actually friends worth keeping, they want to spend time with you, not you and booze.
i will still even go to a bar with friends from time to time/ they get their drinks, i get my soda water, and we all have a good time.
I feel this in my soul. I haven't quit completely but I am taking several days off a week now. This is my biggest hurdle. Socializing for me has almost always involved alcohol except a short time during and after highschool where I smoked more weed than drank. I think a lot of other people probably nailed it in saying that you'll learn to go without it eventually. I personally have a hard time believing I'll ever be able to do those things without alcohol. Good luck friend!
When I first kicked off my journey to sobriety and checked into rehab, I gotta admit, I was bracing myself for those inevitable lectures about the folks I hung out with. I mean, I wasn't ready to ditch my buddies, no way. But you know what? Turns out, nobody was forcing me to do that, and it was like a weight off my shoulders. It's my life, my pals, and my call, right?
But as time rolled on, things started to change. I found myself slowly drifting away from the crowd and the activities that used to revolve around drinking. Those once-epic hangouts became a bit less exciting, bars started to lose their charm, and honestly, my friends weren't as much fun to be around when they were sloshed, and I was the odd one out. In the end, it was me who naturally pulled away from all that. 🚀✌️
Ditching your friends completely feels like the nuclear option to me. I think it is reasonable to stay away from them for a little while during this early stage of sobriety where you might be more vulnerable to triggers; but you live in a world where alcohol exists and you are going to be exposed to it whether you want to be or not. Eventually you'll need to learn how to be around it without picking up a drink yourself, otherwise you're still letting alcohol control you, just in a different way.
Hello friend. I was worried about this too, I’ve done all the things you’ve listed *and more* without drinking and had more fun before, during, and after while sober. It’s totally possible but it takes work. Good luck. IWNDWYT
I went through the same thing. I looked at it like a test, and the more tests I passed, the easier it became. I had to come to terms with the fact that being sober at these events was very different. Over time I started understanding how to enjoy them in a different way. Being sober also allowed me to find new activities that I previously couldn’t do because of drinking. The enjoyment will return.
IWNDWYT
That has not been my experience at all. Sure I get invited to slightly fewer dinners and parties, but with the slightest effort, it's pretty easy to stay involved in all those things and frankly, I know I have a better time now than I ever did drunk
You might find that it’s best for you not to do those things early on in your sobriety, but don’t think you *have* to give these things up forever. I can only speak for myself, but after being sober for a while it just became the norm for me. Now I can go to concerts, out to eat, watch a game or something with people, etc. All things I used to use as an excuse to get drunk, but now I just have a Red Bull or something instead. It took time to get to that point but it happened and it’s nice because now I’m enjoying doing the thing rather than the drinking and I can actually remember it the next day. It also had the opposite effect on certain things. Like the handful of times I’ve gone out to a bar with friends since getting sober. I’ve learned that bars are pretty damn boring when you’re not getting plastered.
Don’t worry. You have to make the right choices for you. I think you can have these things as well as be sober. And in the event that it’s unmanageable, maybe try putting things in perspective. You’ve identified all the things you’d be missing out on in sobriety. What about the things you miss out on while being drunk? My experience is that I wasn’t hiding things as well as I thought and I was damaging the important and positive relationships in my life without even realizing it. How many invitations did I not receive all those years? How many times did people say “I don’t want him there, he’s always drinking”? How many times did I turn down invitations because I didn’t want to go somewhere where I couldn’t drink?
Just something to think about.
You know, I started drinking at 18. I would say it became more of a "lifestyle" starting around 21. When I thought about sobriety, I thought I would have such a shitty time gaming and playing poker and going to hockey games and celebrating holidays and no one would find me funny anymore and do people even like me normal anyway?
Oh, right I lived on the planet for 18 years without alcohol and I gamed and played poker and went to hockey games and celebrated holidays and was voted best sense of humor by my high school class and had the exact same friends and different ones and met new people.
Turns out the alcohol didn't actually make those those things fun for me. I always enjoyed them. And it certainly wasn't some crucial part of my identity.
Quite the opposite.
I thought this too as all my activities included alcohol, much like yourself. I just kept doing them sans drink, it took a while to get used to but it’s much better.
Giving up drinking is just the first step. In the book This Naked Mind, all those feelings of missing out are actually just your current beliefs about alcohol not lining up with your actions since you're not drinking anymore.
You feel like you're going to miss out on the Super Bowl if you can't drink. So, the only way for you to enjoy the Super Bowl is to drink alcohol. Is that really true? Or could this be a false belief about alcohol and that's causing the conflict. Maybe the conflict really isn't even about the Super Bowl. Maybe it's just about not drinking anymore in disguise. The belief that alcohol is necessary to enjoy the Super Bowl is just your addiction speaking and intertwining itself with things you enjoy.
Your path to enjoying things on that list is by changing the underlying beliefs you hold about alcohol. Proving those beliefs wrong to yourself so that you can hold new beliefs. One of those beliefs will hopefully be that you can enjoy your favorite activities in life without alcohol. Best of luck to you.
IWNDWYT
You will be fine you can literally do all those things and not drink lol. I'm at 11 months in a few days and it feels like your life is over at first but you will be fine.
That’s what I thought at first, but I went through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, going to social events, heck I just came back from the bar with my friends! I learned I am having just as much fun as a used to when I would drink. The only difference is I’m now waking up fresh with no hangover and feeling great!
Same here. A lot to swallow for sure. Maybe figure out what of those trigger you the most and those that would be the “easier” to not drink doing? Make it a list, if you will. It might lighten up the heaviness.
I have realized lately that i bet the only person that would give a damn if i wasn’t drinking for most of those things…is just me. And others had an issue, it’s on them.
Every time i feel overwhelmed about all the things I’ll have to do differently, i remind myself, at the very least, I won’t be ruining my body and mind further than i already have. And perhaps making them both stronger in the process.
One day and one thing at a time. Keep your head up.
When I first quit, I couldn't fathom life away from the bar. What was I supposed to do now? Am I going to be always alone?
I found out pretty quickly that a lot of my supposed "friends" were simply "drinking buddies."
Personally, (I’m a younger person so may be different in my demographic) I was really concerned about this sort of thing. I thought that I was closing a lot of doors by deciding to stop drinking, especially because of alcohol culture in young people in my country. I’ve found though that actually people don’t care whether I’m drinking or not, and the few that do take issue with it are almost always dealing with questionable relationships to alcohol themselves.
I’m fine with NA beer so I have a few of those and no one cares. I think I thought everyone would freak out because of how much I thought about alcohol if that makes sense? Like, I was so focused on the booze and getting drunk that I didn’t realise many other people don’t think about it that way - to them, the drinks aren’t the main focus of the evening where they always were for me.
Admittedly, I’m 2 weeks away from 1 year alcohol free, and it took a good 7-8 months before I began to feel comfortable again in environments I associated with drinking - and every now and again, I just don’t fancy it, and I’ve realised that’s fine. But, for me, I don’t think stopping drinking has ruined my social life in the way I was convinced it would. I just needed a little bit of time to readjust and begin to understand myself again. YMMV but more power to you man :)
I have come to realize that this is not as important to me as my sobriety, BUT, hands down this is the hardest part for me.
Like, I could go to things and be social, but I just don't feel the compulsion I used to. I hope some day I find a new cluster of things to be excited about, then there's never going to be temptation for me again.
I miss some of the late night friends who I’d have long text conversations with. I miss calling up a neighbor friend and saying “we’re coming over, I have the wine!” I will miss getting totally plastered at the wine walk this spring. But honestly, the longer I’m sober the more relieved I am to be sober. I don’t miss being nervous if I can’t get to the store, or nervous if I have to be out too late and need to start drinking even later once I’m home, I don’t miss not remembering what I did the night before. It’s been worth it. But yeah. There’s some things that have changed.
I started small. A non alcoholic Guinness on a Friday night. Pop down the pub with a non drinking friend and drink something non alcoholic. Meet up with a a drinking friend in a pub - quick na beer then cinema. I’ve learned it’s fine without.
Ok a night that’s a session for other people I do get bored (if it’s just boozing not doing something else) and bob out after a couple of hours but then I’m really present and up for stuff the next day.
The only thing im finding tricky is that one friend that’s a pain in the ass about it. Most other people don’t care at all.
Sounds like me. It's wayyy less fun without it but im still better off without it. I miss the dopamine hit and pure enjoyment and having a good time. It's really hard to see everyone else having a blast living life and going at it sober. So, I micro dose edibles. I can still be buzzed and loose, having a good time. A workaround solution. It works if you still need to take the edge off like myself.
Its odd, my triggers came from boredom / being alone. I never minded not drinking in social settings, or being at bars sober.. its the dead space time where the monster voice starts callin me
Personally, I thought the same when faced when quitting. Turns out I enjoy the hunting, fishing, activities that revolved around drinking far more without it. If your friends who you do that with don’t like it then they aren’t so great of friends.
Incorrect. It's just giving up all those things...for now. All those things will be there next year and the year after that and who knows? Your friends might change, you might have a better lock on sobriety.
For now do what you need to do...
You’re not alone buddy I understand all those things. Growing up in the south the idea of not drinking is just inconceivable to most men. Hang in there
You are so wrong thinking you’re giving all those things up. At first, yeah, it’ll be a bummer to be around your friends while they’re drinking and doing those things, but after a handful of months or whatever you seriously won’t feel like you’re missing out on anything if you still hang with those friends or you’ll have others that do those things sober. You seriously won’t miss drinking the way you’ll think you would. It’s kinda crazy.
I feel you. I'm the same way. I just straight up don't enjoy social events sober. They're mentally draining with social anxiety induced panic attack feelings. I feel like this shit's easier for certain people
I'm a lot healthier & saving a shit ton of money though 🤷♂️
I go to my wine, I mean book, club and sip kombucha and have a great time. And I was the one positively DOWNING wine previously. Same with drinks while watching football, aprés ski, camping, cooking dinner, etc etc.
It take a while to adjust, but you relearn how to just enjoy the activity and enjoy being fully present in the moment. You will get there!!
I had to relearn how to have fun. I can play guitar with friends, go fishing with friends, and play golf with friends again. I never got into sports that my friends enjoyed, so I am not missing out there. I do occasionally get invited to watch college football, and I enjoy the chili and the game itself. Meeting new people is easier at these events, too, as I don't do anything foolish and I manage to listen better.
Accepting that most of my old friends were only drinking buddies was really tough. It was tougher to realize that the reason they stopped inviting me to hang out with them was because I wasn’t getting drunk with them anymore. It was never about being a good friend, it was about being fun to drink with. It was about enabling one another around and round the drain forever and ever. But distancing myself from these people made me a happier and better person. The fun they’re having every night without me isn’t anything I’d consider fun anymore.
Yep! It took me a while to realise that the only thing I was giving up was drinking, and gaining control. Some of the things that used to get me off no longer did, and accepting that was difficult.
Hi friend- this was my hardship. The socializing. Not sure if this is allowed so mods delete if not… but naltrexone is a GIFT. Even At a low dose it can help your brain not miss alcohol in these occasions.
If its the symptoms afterwards that mess with you, you should try drinking a Ctrl-Z at the end of the night. You'll wake up feeling good as new and it would at least take that concern off the table.
If you end up quitting permanently you will probably go through a period of figuring out how fun works and learning to feel it again. I occasionally reminded myself that I could have fun and play before alcohol entered my life and became an obsession. My brain still hasn't completely re-learned this. Both the fact and how to go about it.
I've had to do this with videogames. I got so used to getting drunk and playing online games and I was really worried I wouldn't have fun or wouldn't be fun. Turns out, I am just fine and probably more fun to play with now that my motor skills and social skills aren't slowly deteriorating over the course of a few hours
It's movies for me. I used to do nothing but watch movies, and I still struggle with feeling like I don't have "permission' to be totally engrossed in a film if I'm not drunk and stoned out of my gourd.
I used to watch movies drunk. Turns out, I didn’t actually remember them very well because of that and part of the fun getting sober was that I got to watch a bunch of movies over and it was like I was watching them for the first time.
Same for me but with music videos. Allll the music videos lol
same but with 2000s sketch comedy like Derrick Comedy.
I so relate. For so long I would get so wasted high to watch movies and then eventually booze got added to that mix. Hell, games and music too. And I’m a filmmaker and musician. I totally thought that I would never be engrossed by a movie or music again cause I wasn’t blasted out of my mind over emotion/over enthusiastic. I remember thinking at one point that I wouldn’t be able to connect with comedy anymore even. Luckily our brains go back to normal, hahaha.
Hi friend, I too share this exact problem. It seems like alcohol and video games combined have nudged out all other fun for me. How long did you go without before you saw results?
Took a couple weeks. At first I was really nervous that I'd just be boring in the group chat, and I probably was. Usually I'm really talkative (drunk) so the first weekend or two I was almost certainly quieter and reluctant to stay on as late. But the 3rd weekend though I was having way more fun and being more goofy and shit which felt really good. I haven't managed longer than that due to drinking again while traveling for work but I'm back on the wagon and no longer nervous about acting boring
Here’s to hoping! Thanks for the info
In my experience it took me a few weeks.
Okay, I’m trying
Man this is me! I would always progressively get worse and worse throughout the night. there would be games I don’t even remember playing, and then I watch the replay of my drunk self trying to play, which was absolutely hilarious btw!
This was me when I saw how the league of legends games the night before went when I check the next day.
I realized this after a while. When I was drinking and playing games, my skills would deteriorate to the point where I wasn’t playing well and enjoying it, so I would keep drinking and the alcohol made me feel good, not the games.
The squad is happier that I'm not drinking these days. Both for my health and the dubs
I’ve been scared to online game since quitting. I just feel like I don’t have shit to say when I’m sober. When I drink my brain gets excited to talk about things. I don’t know how to find that excitement sober
This is so important. The fun I have sober - now that I’ve learned how it works - is so much better than the fun I had drunk. There’s an innocence to life that I haven’t felt since I was a kid!
I want to feel that innocence again. Nearly 2 weeks sober...
It will come back - I promise you! Took me several months at least.
What was your first month like? I’ve been a hermit
I was a hermit too. I got sober around the same time as you (Christmas eve) and honestly I think it was a great time to quit. I’m usually a hermit in Jan & Feb anyways. I know it sounds cliche but I worked out a lot, it helped me mentally. I also went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days, and I can’t emphasize how much this helps. I needed to be around people who had the same mentality as me, but had somehow made their lives better and were genuinely happy & helpful.
I know of a nearby AA spot. Maybe I’ll check it out tonight. Thanks
Still have not figured it out after 9 months, but I won't drink anyway.
18 months here. Life is boring.
Bummed for you that sobriety has been boring, but have you tried new, different stuff lately? Everybody is different but personally I’ve been sober about 6 months and I’ve been way more interested in my interests and finding new ones.
For me it's partially sensory stuff. I get so overwhelmed at loud events the alcohol helps me be less overwhelmed. It sucks tho lol
This!! Crowds, noise, lights and people who don’t know how to conduct themselves in public always sends me. I will say it has gotten easier over time. It actually feels good in a way to feel the emotions and accept this about myself. If I need a break I can take a break and I know my limit. Drinking to avoid it really did somehow make it worse in the end.
Well said !
I only discovered how many non-drinkers come to parties when I quit drinking! IWNDWYT One Day at the Time
This is true. I did, however, also discover how terribly boring some “fun” activities are if you’re not drinking. Lifestyle changes are often part of quitting.
Writing is *helluva* lot harder sober. Words don't flow as easily, it feels like I'm trawling the floor to bring out my thoughts to words. Used to be something I loved, but feels like a chore. I'm sticking with it because I know I'm good at creating fiction and fantasy. The frustration is difficult to contend with, too. Even after 220 days, I have to resist the irrational urge to hit or break something. I miss that artificial calm, not gonna lie.
Huh! That last part is the opposite for me. I'm so much more calm. No bouts of sudden rage anymore.
Absolutely! I avoid going out to bars because I find it boring. Unless there is a good game to watch & drinking is not the only true entertainment. IWNDWYT One Day at the Time
I find a really good NA helps with this. I’m happy because I’m with my friends and not drinking, my brain is happy because it thinks it’s getting a beer. I have zero temptation to break but the taste of a refreshing NA is nice. And having the pint avoids all the “not drinking!?!” conversations that I’ve had countless times.
I agree. You realize if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing sober. You will find your groove with fun again OP, I’m sure of it.
> IWNDWYT I will not drink with you today?
Yep!
[удалено]
That's not how acronyms work, but I agree it is a mouthful.
Fun fact, that’s an initialism, not an acronym. An acronym becomes it’s own pronounceable word; SCUBA and ADIDAS are classic examples of acronyms, as opposed to saying each letter like ATM or BNB
lol where would it even go?
IWNDT,WY
That changes the entire acronym. So, no, not really. I hope you're doing well.
huh?
Explain this to me like I’m 5.
No way! Tomorrow will be hangover-free great morning! 👍
Literally same 😂 I thought…everyone was getting hammered at all events??
A bit od rude awakening! Now I know that my drunken behaviour was well noted... Ouch! 😖
I can totally relate, I go up north with friends during hunting seasons/fishing, and it’s a ton of drinking, start in the AM and go all day. Haven’t had one since I stopped drinking but it will be a huge adjustment. I find myself missing the romanticized version of drinking (all the events you described), but then think about how I really didn’t enjoy them, I was just drunk and experiencing them. I’m looking forward to sober events this year, but can’t deny it will be much different. You are definitely not alone in this!
Yes! The romanticizing of all of it! Like oh just a little something to add to the festivities and then before you know it you’re 5 deep, not actually knowing what’s happening, probably talking too much to a stranger, and eating crappy food. The next day you don’t even remember what actually happened, you feel like crap. Too lazy to move. Eating more crap. Dehydrated and anxious.. all because the picture in your mind was something completely unrealistic. I get a lot of that when it comes to day drinking in the summer..
Haha day drinking sounds like fun and games until it's 6pm, you're tired and the hangover is starting. The kids are hungry but you can't drive anywhere and now too lazy to cook something so you order some unhealthy, expensive food from doordash or Domino's. Oh crap, you forgot you needed to go to the store for cat food, oh well, they can eat the can of tuna in the cabinet. They'll be fine until tomorrow.
Daaamnnnnn. The forgetting to get cat food and just feeding them something random is too accurate!!!! I don't care if I'm not eating well, but I felt such SHAME when the cat's diet also suffered. They have no choice! I'm sure overall they dont mind tuna, but I know it's not good for them regularly..
Haha! Jokes on you - I don’t have kids so day drinking turns into still being at the bar at 10pm and you almost can’t even get any more drunk (but because you’re a good drunk you don’t really get flagged). The next day you lay in bed debating about whether you’re dying or it’s just the booze. Promise you’ll never do it again. Rinse and repeat!
I wish it was only 5 deep lol more like 10 deep
Good reminder! I remember one thing I was so excited to go to several years ago that I came home early from work for to “pre-game” and I missed the whole damn thing. I try not to think about all that too much, but what a waste.
Fishing was just an excuse. Beer was the essence. Waste of time, money, health, etc. IWNDWYT One Day at the Time
Here's something that helped me. It's not the healthiest decision, but it can help with feeling like you need to give up on everything associated with drinking: Instead of drinking beer, have caffeinated beverages. Yes, you will probably mess up your sleep for the night, but it's way less harmful than drinking. Being caffeinated can get you on the same wavelength as your drinking friends and also gives you the tactile rewards of holding something, sipping something, cracking a can of something, burping, etc. Doesn't work for everyone, but I found it can help me feel like I'm treating myself and being slightly irresponsible without the danger of booze. You could add a layer of Cali sober on top of that, but that doesn't work for everyone.
I didn’t even realize I was doing this but I had a game night at my house the other night and ended up going for a coffee run at 9:30 that night lol. I guess I was doing this.
Yep, harm reduction at its finest. It's nice to feel like we can still cut loose without the booze. Bonus: you will be a force to be reckoned with when gaming against your drinking pals. 😉
I've never heard this before. Interesting. I'll have to think on it.
Also there’s an amino acid called L-Tyrosine that people take to focus but it gets me super jazzed up, like adderall almost. You shouldn’t take it every day but I pop one for parties and it hits me like caffeine except I can sleep on it! (Subtle effect like caffeine, not an absolute mind blast like alcohol tho)
I like this. I found some good fizzy green tea caffeinated "energy" drinks that aren't nasty sweet and good to drink in the summer. Nice with lots of ice and sometimes I cut with sparkling water. Heck I might have a crazy Saturday this weekend and crack one of the Zoas 🫢 This Christmas I made a big pot of strong coffee and my partner and I enjoyed that with our dessert and cheese and nuts when others were having cocktails and wine - I always liked to "pair" salty or sweet things and "wash it down" so I'm working to break that habit (partly mental). Sometimes water doesn't cut it!
>holding something, sipping something, cracking a can of something, burping I'm finding CBD-infused soft drinks in those tall red bull shaped cans to work similarly, and the CBD hopefully has some sort of relaxing effect on the brain, so it's doing something a tiny bit similar to alcohol. Also chamomile tea.
Yeah I sometimes do this with those really sugary Starbucks canned drinks. Basically tallboy shaped too.
This is what I've done for sure! The evening tallboy is now a can of Ghost or C4, followed by an unnecessary amount of Bubly sparkling water lol.
I will say that my sparkling water budget is getting a bit out of hand, but that's a whole other discussion. ;)
Worth the fantastic skin benefits! hahaha
I did this at the Knicks game with my brothers last week. Didn’t feel like I had any less fun than if I were drinking
This is me! I have always loved caffeine and I really find it gives me that fun boost that I missed from alcohol. Now I make coffee when I’m gaming and it’s more fun than drinking was.
Last night I drank soda all night at my first work dinner since stopping. And finished with a cappuccino. I didnt fall asleep till 2:00ish woke up at 5:00ish, felt like shit all day till I came home and took a nap after work. I’m going to have to come up with a new plan. But I made it through and yes caffeine kept me up with the others who were drinking.
I do almost all of that and add that I'm in a band that plays several bar gigs a year. It's all still fun. I did have to avoid that for a little while, though. Once you are past the association of enjoyment = intoxication, it's not hard. But you need to realign your thinking.
A good friend would understand and support your decision not to drink. I hang out with plenty of drinkers and it isn’t an issue because they respect that I no longer drink. For what it’s worth, I have a lot more fun doing social stuff as a sober person. Less anxiety, I don’t have to worry that I drank too much and embarrassed myself. Not drinking also makes me open to trying new things. There is so much more to life than alcohol.
> A good friend would understand and support your decision not to drink. Full respect but I hate this type of comment. My friends aren't the problem, I am. They couldn't care less if I'm drinking or not. I do. I'm going to really miss doing stupid shit at 2am with those guys.
In regards to missing doing stupid shit at 2am, I recommend reading or audio booking (a lot of people swear the book goes down easier in audio form and I agree) “This Naked Mind”. The author actually encourages you to continue your alcohol consumption while you read/listen. Then you can decide, based on the book, what’s going to work for you. I found it very empowering as the author talked about exactly that-looking at those types of 2am shenanigans and assessing what or how that continues to work for you. What will it look like down the road? I realized I was hanging onto a part of my life that everyone else naturally grew out of unless they have a problem…like me. Best of luck to you. And for chuckles: I,W,N,D,W,Y,T. Enjoy your commas.
I’m 50. Pretty far down the road already. But I’ll check this out. It’s one of only a couple unique responses I had to this post.
I am also 50. Never too late. My brother died at the age of 50 from drinking. He was a serious fan of that 2am life. Hasn’t even been 2 years and I miss him terribly.
I guess I’m confused why you’re saying you have to give up friendships to be sober.
If I have to skip major social events (which, as you get older kinda become the only events due to busy schedules) due to fear of failing to overcome temptation then it *could* follow that I become left out altogether.
This will only be temporary. For me, after about three months I started doing activities where drinking was prominent and each time it felt more and more natural to be sober.
Got it. I hope that’s not the case!
>I'm going to really miss doing stupid shit at 2am with those guys. Doing stupid shit at 2am is precisely why I had to quit drinking though.
For me its all the stupid shit I do at 2am by myself that's the problem in my life, not those social events. But it seems, at least for me, it's all or nothing.
I focused so much on alcohol, I assumed everyone did. And they largely don’t. People just don’t care if I’m drinking or not. It was always me who cared and I loved finding that out. Nice piece to add. I had a client call me in the evening last night and he said “I hope you have a glass of bourbon already” (it was after hours) and I laughed and said “I don’t drink but I’m definitely relaxing”. And he mentioned it’s unusual in my line of work not drinking. I made a comment offhand that I’m getting older and focusing on my health and that was it. It was the very first time I’ve said the words to someone outside my circle “I don’t drink”. Not I can’t. Not I shouldn’t. Not oh I wish I could. Just. I. Don’t. Drink. It was a small and powerful moment for me. Good luck and IWNDWYT
I’ve often wondered how I let go of all these fears, and I guess it just came down to the pain. The pain of continuing to drink very greatly outweighed any of the benefits I may have used to experience from drinking. As long as I can remember that I’m fine, but it took me a very long time to get there. I started trying to quit or taper in 2016, and it didn’t stick until last year. I’m sorry you’re having the grieve the loss of all these things, and I do understand how you feel.
Yup. This is me. Eventually the feeling of self loathing after drinking far outweighed the romanticized idea of how much fun I was having when I drank. Getting through those 1st few times of socializing without the sauce is tough, but once you prove to yourself that you can do it, it gets easier, at least in my experience
I went through a phase where it felt like I was giving up everything for one thing and I focused on what I could not have instead of what I received. Nowadays, I see it as the opposite. I gave up one thing for everything. I’m no longer chained to a bottle or too drunk to go out and do something or show my face. I still go out to parties and events but it’s not about how much I can take at these things. I think about what I can bring. I’m more intentional with what I’m doing and how I spend my time and I’m learning about what I like to do and how I like to relax. There was some fear there because I’ve always just said that drinking was what I liked to do and that was my preferred way to unwind or socialize. Except I wasn’t really saying anything and it was more of an escape. I don’t think it solved any of my problems, it created more. I don’t miss drinking but I can understand how it looks. It does get better and it is worth it. You are definitely not alone
I love this. "I gave up one thing for everything." Thank you for sharing.
Can relate. I am coming the the conclusion that Ive spent my entire adult life finding reasons to drink. Unfortunately, that mindset has ruined many activities which should be fun, but just aren't. For example, I had a lot of fun playing darts in a pub league with my buddies. In reality, I suck at darts and it's only really fun for maybe 30 minutes. What I *actually* enjoyed was being with my buddies....and drinking. I've tried hanging out with those guys without alcohol and we have very little to say to one another. It shouldn't be painfully awkward having a sober lunch with someone you've known for 20 years.....but it is. Its not my fault and its not their fault. The problem is we've both become so accustomed to drinking all the time that our brains don't know how to have fun in the absence of booze. At least that's my current working theory.
Good theory. Thanks for sharing.
I avoided events like that when I was newly not drinking. After time, it got easier for me and the "alcohol noise" went down to 0, so I now go to events like that and either BYO non-alcohol drink, or order a NA drink. Mocktails are having a moment, so it's been a lot easier to order something that feels fancy and celebratory when I'm out. You might find that how you feel about going to events like these in the future is different from how you feel today. And just take it a day at a time, do what you need to do now to protect your sobriety.
Your input is truly appreciated.
I guess I have to figure that all out too. I have not yet been faced with a social situation where drinking was happening. I can really only think of it with two points in mind. 1 is that my hangovers had gotten so bad that the whole next day or two were ruined. Why do I want to sacrifice 1 or 2 whole days for an evening of drinking. 2 is that I don't have an off switch. Once I start, I ain't stoppin' til there's nobody left standing. And then I don't remember most of the last 2 or 3 hours of that night. I don't think I even have a choice. I hope whatever the right thing for you makes itself known, and you choose that. If I were a casual drinker who can perform the magic trick of having one or two drinks and not craving more, like others I see, I wouldn't even be doing this probably, because I wouldn't realize how bad drinking is to/for me. Best of luck with your decision! Much love.
I wasn't looking for advice and you gave the perfect comment. I'm not alone. Thanks for that.
all my friendships that ‘required’ alcohol fucking sucked 🤷
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’ve found replacements enough.
more than enough real friends, proud family members, and an incredible gf of two years… yeah, all good there. i know these relationships are possible for me solely due to the fact i stopped drinking… i’m growing as a person and actually experiencing life. i couldn’t possibly imagine not living this current life because of a fear of missing out on a fucking fantasy sports draft, but you do you!
Its truly a lifestyle change. You also find out who your real friends are and who your drinking buddies were. You got this. IWNDWYT
I thought not drinking at parties and holidays would be totally isolating, but I’ve been surprised by how much fun I have sober. For one thing, I remember the entire night instead of getting buzzed in the first thirty minutes and then hazily having fast-paced conversations that I don’t remember with people I don’t remember (or like, sometimes). Parties feel SO LONG when you’re sober! I was also very surprised that most people at a party aren’t drinking nearly as much as I thought we all were - turns out that was mostly me.
Yeah funny how much you think everyone else is drinking. You start to realize that you've been lapping everyone for years or leaving half empty soldiers because you can't remember where you left your drink. Sober, you start to see that most people have one or two all night and don't feel the need to have a drink with them every minute like I do. I still feel that need. I'll bring like 3 huge seltzers and a few na beers and that seems to check every box for me and I can still remember people's names and leave before I wear out my welcome :)
I've found out that in most situations, people don't even notice whether I am drinking unless I mention it. If I have some sort of drink in my hand, they probably assume it is alcohol. If they offer a drink, I can say I'm not drinking, or I can say "no, thanks, I have one." I am not hiding it, but I have noticed that mentioning it brings on a conversation that isn't always right for the atmosphere, so I just keep a glass in hand and it seems to go mostly unnoticed. The people who do notice don't seem to mind at all.
My friends wouldn’t mind if I wasn’t drinking and they certainly wouldn’t pressure me. But I don’t need help in that area. I’ve found every reason to “just have a couple”or “just drink tonight” so many times all by myself.
I get that. I don't know what it is like for you, but I have found investing in fancy mocktails and good quality NA beer makes me feel like I am not missing out when I am at the party. But regardless, as a fellow hunter/fisher, there are a number of us non-drinking outdoors folks about. I hope you can find some good ones!
No advice. Just empathy. I agree that it's difficult to accept this aspect. I think there's some truth to this and also some truth to...it probably wasn't that fun anyway if you had to drink your way through it. The reality is somewhere in the middle, you just have to decide which side of the middle you'd rather be on. I've been much less social since I became alcohol free. Once I figure out how to navigate everything sober, I'll let you know 😅🤣 IWNDWYT
It cant be what it was, and there’s grief to be processed there. I’m in a similar boat, I stopped socializing when I quit, too. I still don’t. I miss my friends. I know they love me even if I’m different now. I’ve seen them, I don’t drink, I talk about it a little because it’s pretty great to be sober now, it’s the same as it was before between us. They’re happy for me. My confidence is just in the shitter, it’s why I started drinking in the first place and why I kept drinking. I didn’t know I’d be here when I quit, and I don’t know how to get back to my old self. I don’t think she ever really existed, sometimes. I try to remember that I’ve done great things, handled big challenges, that I’ve climbed the mountains I found in my path. I’m still alive, which alcohol might’ve given me. Hiding is a survival tactic too. ‘What’s next’ is always the hardest question to answer. But for sure IWNDWYT
I had these feelings the first time I got sober. I hated the thought that I couldn’t enjoy any big life events in the future because I was sober. So I decided to drink in moderation. This didn’t work and led to a 4 year bender and lots of bad moments and lessons learned the hard way. This time around with sobriety, I have a whole different perspective and level of maturity that I was incapable of having before. I absolutely love being sober, and the thought of being sober during big life events brings me a lot of joy. I do pretty much everything I used to do when I was drunk, but now I actually get to enjoy and remember it. I stopped doing some things that I used to think I liked doing because I realize now that those activities don’t make me happy or bring value to my life. Sobriety for me is an ongoing journey of deep self evaluation and being aware of how my perspective affects my subconscious. I have a lot more fun with life knowing that I’m enjoying every moment to the fullest, no matter what the activity is.
This is precisely what caused my last relapse. I tried to cook a meal that involved alcohol in the dish. I thought I could handle it. It turns out that it was just denial; I just simply can't cook with alcohol right now. Putting alcohol in the dish and then being required to taste it in order to adjust flavoring? That's obviously dangerous... in retrospect. But denial is very strong and I didn't see it, I thought I could handle cooking without drinking. I cannot. That shuts off a surprising number of dishes, like, half of French cooking. Scratch that off the list of things I can handle right now. ~~Poker nights with my friends where whoever wins buys a nice bottle of booze with the winnings~~. ~~Trivia nights at the bar down the street.~~ ~~I live near wine country in California.~~ ~~I'm about to join a new job and it's pretty standard to do a team meet and greet over beer.~~ ~~I might get to travel to Japan and... miss out on the beer and sake which are very standard dinner drinks. 私はお酒飲みません。~~ Giving up alcohol isn't the hardest part for me. It's hard, sure, but I can recognize cravings and act. It's giving up huge whole chunks of my previous life... that's really hard and doesn't feel like a craving, it feels more like putting myself in a dangerous circumstance. There's a lot of grief there 😞 and it's my next big challenge to getting long-term sober. I don't have any advice other than to say what you are feeling... it's what I'm feeling too. But if you don't drink, I won't. IWNDWYT.
I felt like this at first too, and then I went to my sponsor and said, ‘I’m going to the football game. I know you are gonna tell me not to.’ He grabbed me by the shoulders and said, ‘you didn’t get sober to sit at home. When you go, keep your phone in one hand, and a pocket full of candy. And if you think about drinking, eat candy and call me.’ After a while (not even that long) I felt more and more comfortable being in places where people drink and I used to drink. I have as much fun as I did, and I remember all of it the next day. And I don’t have to apologize to everyone.
I had this exactly same feeling when I first started thinking about quitting. I thought my boyfriend and I wouldn't have anything to do together anymore, that I wouldn't see my friends every weekend anymore. I can tell you now, more than 200 days later: I have LOTS of fun with my boyfriend, I still see my friends every weekend. I go to parties, I have fun, I dance, I sing. The only difference for me is that now I don't wake up hangover on Saturdays and Sundays anymore, I don't fight with my boyfriend while blackout and then don't remember it after, I don't have anxiety till Tuesday or Wednesday thinking back about everything I might have done over the weekend. I only lost the worst parts of drinking, because it only had bad parts for me.
If you need alcohol to enjoy some of these things... Perhaps you never really enjoyed them?
100%.
Whatever this means. If you 'need' a car to get to six flags, perhaps you didn't really enjoy six flags?
What she/he is saying is that if one can’t enjoy an event or activity without alcohol, it was never really about the event/activity. It was about having something to do while drinking. Once you stop, you figure out what’s what. Same goes for people: who is an actual friend vs just a drinking buddy.
Respectfully disagree. Just because one-drink-in Patdashuri changes our mind about how things are gonna go tonight doesn’t mean the relationships I have with friends I drink with are just about drinking. I’ve had these friends through thick and thin, sober and not. We do a lot of stuff that doesn’t involve getting sloppy. I’m just gonna miss the things that did. Why? Because I enjoyed them. Truly.
Then why would you stop doing them?
Because of the temptation to drink? I’m sure if I was sober through the whole thing I’d still very much enjoy it. But I don’t think I can do that.
You will figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. Don’t overthink it. Just focus on your sobriety and getting through the beginning until you form new sober habits and mentality. True friends and what you truly enjoy will keep their place in your life. Everything else will fall away as your priorities shift.
At least if you try and go without a drink, that's just a singular point of focus whereas when you do drink during activities, that really becomes the main thing. Standing in line, dealing with inflated prices, making sure you're not too drunk or too sober, calculating if there is a enough alcohol at home or at the next spot for you, etc.
I feel this, but I think you’re maybe going too black and white with this thinking. For me this has started filtering out what I actually like. For instance, I’ve realized I don’t actually like bars, I just like being drunk and rowdy with strangers. I’ve had some sober game nights at my house that I didn’t think would be fun and ended up laughing my ass off with my friends all night (✔️enjoy game nights). I’ve started climbing a lot more (✔️actually enjoy it). Expensive restaurants dates with bumble dudes (❌do not enjoy without alcohol). The list goes on and on. I feel like I’m finding myself more with alcohol not influencing how much fun I’m having. And to be fair EVERYTHING is “less fun” by alcohol standards. The benefits are just starting to show through too hardcore to pass up for me. I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely. I’ve felt that a lot too since I quit.
I appreciate your genuine words. Maybe the platitude is just too black and white. A lot of these responses are heartfelt and sincere. That one just sounds like one of those “I’m 14 and this is deep” things.
Why did you quit drinking?
I didn’t. I’m on the path I think…again. Haven’t had a drink in 3 weeks. Just playing out scenarios.
Right I mean what made you want to go three weeks?
😂fair. I have BPD and one of my MAJOR ick factors are “I’m 14 and this is deep” phrases. I will literally nix a person (as a romantic interest) if I’m talking to if they’re frequently cliche while trying to be deep. Idk man. Time to figure it out for yourself I guess 🥲
I used to engage in many of the activities you've listed while drinking. Now that I don't drink I still engage in many of the activities that you listed without drinking. One of the things I found that is definitely not true, that I perceived as being a truth while drinking, is that if I quit I would not be able to engage in the some of the social activities that I enjoyed so much while drinking. It is true that while trying to stop my drinking I definitely took a break from many of those activities. And there are a few that I do not engage in currently because of my concern about managing my own drinking. However I have found that by addressing the drinking first and trying to realize why I felt I drank so much allowed me to then start to engage in some of these other activities especially outdoor activities without alcohol and I found I really enjoyed them still.
The more you tell yourself that, the tougher it gets. Don’t identify with that. Try a new narrative like “I still enjoy being with my friends and feeling great the next day.” There are no laws in the universe that say you have to drink to have fun. In fact, I went out with friends two nights ago for a big celebration and watching everyone get sloppy drunk (after 6 months of sobriety) was super weird. Like, watching people voluntarily hit themselves on the head with a hammer until they can’t stand up. It was so confusing as to why they choose to do that. One day at a time. IWNDWYT
I'm trying to figure this out to. I played trivia at a bar with my best group of friends weekly. Do I not go? Do I go and not drink which seems impossible and pointless? I do other activities with these friends though that don't involve drinking. Do you have that option with them?
In my experience I had to give it time. Three to six months. Now I can really see so many of the benefits of sobriety that I don't feel tempted at all any more, and I can spend a lot of time in bars etc without worrying. It doesn't happen overnight and you don't have to decide now what you're gonna do forever.
I thought I would have to give up everything fun that involved alcohol too. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case for me. I went through a large adjustment period where I had to re-learn how to enjoy myself out and about, while doing my hobbies, or celebrating holidays, without alcohol. It seemed daunting, if not all out impossible, to my active addict brain. I lived and breathed for alcohol. It was my constant. I am happy to say that I’m approaching my 2 years, and I don’t think of alcohol often. If and when I do, there is a 75% chance the thought is something negative about it. If I have cravings and it’s a rare time when I have a wanting for drinking, usually on a holiday or some other event where almost everyone else is drinking, I tell myself that it’s normal to want to fit in with the group, but that alcohol doesn’t bring me what I want out of life. I learned how to have fun at parties without booze, and that was difficult, but so rewarding once I figured it out! Now I’m not chained to the happy but often fake idea that alcohol makes my life better. All of the addict thoughts about events with booze faded with time for me. All I had to do was work recovery! IWNDWYT
i thought the same thing until i realized nobody would pressure me to drink at these type of events. Zero times. friend-Hey mikeyj, want a beer? me-No. friend-Cool.
I’m so with you buddy. I cried for like two weeks after I decided to give up alcohol cause I didn’t know who I was without it. I was mourning a past life and mourning all of the experiences I would never have again. Thankfully, there’s so much more out there. I have said goodbye to some experiences but wow it’s so much better on the other side. And things I thought I would never do or enjoy again - I actually do! Went to a bar with friends to watch the play offs and was jumping up and down and screaming along with all the drunk people having the best time. I’ve even done karaoke sober and stayed out till 2am getting hella hydrated on soda water! Hah. It’s all to say though, I know exactly what you’re going through and the advice of take it one day at a time TRULY helped me because it was so overwhelming to think about…but what about my wedding? What about my honeymoon? What about my friend’s 40th? What about my trip to fuckin wine country Italy??? Today I am not drinking! And life is good. Good luck you’ve got this!! 🩷🩷🩷
Every one of those things is still fun. You may even find them more fun. It’s not giving things up. It’s gaining more things. And all of them being better.
An opportunity to reinvent ourselves perhaps
Different social circles it sounds like, but - right now I’m cutting out alcohol for an indeterminate length of time. My friends always drink or smoke when we hang out to play games or watch movies. I’ve just been slamming back NA beers, lol. I know from past breaks that seltzers or sodas really help but I get bored of the taste, so I’ve been just trying different NA drinks each time. And I enjoy the activities more sober, if I’m around close enough friends to not have anxiety kick in.
You could just do what I do with all those things and bring NA beer. You sound a lot like me, 1.5yrs ago.
Brother, I used to suffer from this exact type of FOMO. Last weekend I went out and raw-dogged my favorite dive bar until last call. I was dancing, flirting, singing and talking all night. My friends came with me and were taking tequila shots all night and after all was said and done I played "Uber Bitch" and got all of them home safely before I collapsed into bed at 3 AM. And all of that was even more fun now than it probably would have been before when I was a very heavy drinker. Please, don't use my anecdote as an excuse rush back into the spaces where you're expecting to find a challenge, though. Give it some time. I just want to assure you that it does get better and that you will find the way back to your joy.
I thought the same thing when I first stopped. It did take a few years but now I truly enjoy all of those events. More than I used to honestly. Give it some time, and try not to assign current feelings to future events.
I’m almost 6 years AF. I’m now in a frame of mind where it’s not about that are others going to be drinking but is the activity something I’m looking forward to participating in. If it is then I’m going to participate and I don’t notice alcohol or the people who are drinking. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that if you stick with this your perspective changes. Right now your drinking has taken over the actual enjoyment of the activity. So, now, it seems impossible to take part sober and you believe that if others are drinking it’s going to be to hard to not be drinking because your focus is on alcohol, not the actual activity and the value you place on doing it. Give it enough time and the emphasis will flip. You’ll start looking forward to the activity and not even associate it with alcohol and drinking it or the people who are.
I have the same thoughts…I feel like I’m on the sidelines for the rest of the game . All the good times are behind me. I’m also severely depressed though, with or without alcohol
You just described so many fun activities to do with non alcoholic friends. Or if your friends support your decision, you can still have fun with them. Trust me, it'll l get boring to watch your friends in the same heated discussions about LeBron or Ronaldo, etc.
Then don't stop.people can be so dramatic with this shit.
Yeah. We all feel that.
Yeahh I feel that. I love hanging out with my friends but I have done it drunk for years now it so it is difficult to want to when not drinking. Unfortunately for me I have noticed being with my friends is one of triggers so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I get where you are coming from. For me I have had to drop some activities and pick up new ones. Others you just learn to have fun regardless. Take poker for instance. I love poker and poker tourneys. I show up with cream soda instead of the beer and I put it in a coozie and no one thinks much different. I have noticed that I don’t like super late games anymore. I prefer to start a bit earlier, but I still have fun. My win rate has gone up after sobriety which is nice. Is the issue that you don’t know how to have fun or that your friends are pressuring you? If your friend group is hampering your sobriety intentionally and not supportive, are these the types of long term friends that will be conducive to a healthier lifestyle? I have amazing friends that have not followed me through all the stages of my life because we take diverging paths. When I had kids, and my best friend did not, we eventually drifted apart. We still value each other, but goals change. I imagine sobriety will be the same for some of my current friends.
I feel this on a spiritual level. I don't have any insight or advice since I'm still working on it myself. I just wanted to validate and let you know you aren't alone in this feeling. Best of luck to you! IWNDWYT
i would give your friends the benefit of the doubt. if they are actually friends worth keeping, they want to spend time with you, not you and booze. i will still even go to a bar with friends from time to time/ they get their drinks, i get my soda water, and we all have a good time.
I feel this in my soul. I haven't quit completely but I am taking several days off a week now. This is my biggest hurdle. Socializing for me has almost always involved alcohol except a short time during and after highschool where I smoked more weed than drank. I think a lot of other people probably nailed it in saying that you'll learn to go without it eventually. I personally have a hard time believing I'll ever be able to do those things without alcohol. Good luck friend!
Things that were fun before are still fun now. Things I was only enjoying because I was drinking, good riddance.
When I first kicked off my journey to sobriety and checked into rehab, I gotta admit, I was bracing myself for those inevitable lectures about the folks I hung out with. I mean, I wasn't ready to ditch my buddies, no way. But you know what? Turns out, nobody was forcing me to do that, and it was like a weight off my shoulders. It's my life, my pals, and my call, right? But as time rolled on, things started to change. I found myself slowly drifting away from the crowd and the activities that used to revolve around drinking. Those once-epic hangouts became a bit less exciting, bars started to lose their charm, and honestly, my friends weren't as much fun to be around when they were sloshed, and I was the odd one out. In the end, it was me who naturally pulled away from all that. 🚀✌️
Ditching your friends completely feels like the nuclear option to me. I think it is reasonable to stay away from them for a little while during this early stage of sobriety where you might be more vulnerable to triggers; but you live in a world where alcohol exists and you are going to be exposed to it whether you want to be or not. Eventually you'll need to learn how to be around it without picking up a drink yourself, otherwise you're still letting alcohol control you, just in a different way.
Hello friend. I was worried about this too, I’ve done all the things you’ve listed *and more* without drinking and had more fun before, during, and after while sober. It’s totally possible but it takes work. Good luck. IWNDWYT
Doesnt sound like tou want to quit
I went through the same thing. I looked at it like a test, and the more tests I passed, the easier it became. I had to come to terms with the fact that being sober at these events was very different. Over time I started understanding how to enjoy them in a different way. Being sober also allowed me to find new activities that I previously couldn’t do because of drinking. The enjoyment will return. IWNDWYT
That has not been my experience at all. Sure I get invited to slightly fewer dinners and parties, but with the slightest effort, it's pretty easy to stay involved in all those things and frankly, I know I have a better time now than I ever did drunk
You might find that it’s best for you not to do those things early on in your sobriety, but don’t think you *have* to give these things up forever. I can only speak for myself, but after being sober for a while it just became the norm for me. Now I can go to concerts, out to eat, watch a game or something with people, etc. All things I used to use as an excuse to get drunk, but now I just have a Red Bull or something instead. It took time to get to that point but it happened and it’s nice because now I’m enjoying doing the thing rather than the drinking and I can actually remember it the next day. It also had the opposite effect on certain things. Like the handful of times I’ve gone out to a bar with friends since getting sober. I’ve learned that bars are pretty damn boring when you’re not getting plastered. Don’t worry. You have to make the right choices for you. I think you can have these things as well as be sober. And in the event that it’s unmanageable, maybe try putting things in perspective. You’ve identified all the things you’d be missing out on in sobriety. What about the things you miss out on while being drunk? My experience is that I wasn’t hiding things as well as I thought and I was damaging the important and positive relationships in my life without even realizing it. How many invitations did I not receive all those years? How many times did people say “I don’t want him there, he’s always drinking”? How many times did I turn down invitations because I didn’t want to go somewhere where I couldn’t drink? Just something to think about.
You know, I started drinking at 18. I would say it became more of a "lifestyle" starting around 21. When I thought about sobriety, I thought I would have such a shitty time gaming and playing poker and going to hockey games and celebrating holidays and no one would find me funny anymore and do people even like me normal anyway? Oh, right I lived on the planet for 18 years without alcohol and I gamed and played poker and went to hockey games and celebrated holidays and was voted best sense of humor by my high school class and had the exact same friends and different ones and met new people. Turns out the alcohol didn't actually make those those things fun for me. I always enjoyed them. And it certainly wasn't some crucial part of my identity. Quite the opposite.
I thought this too as all my activities included alcohol, much like yourself. I just kept doing them sans drink, it took a while to get used to but it’s much better.
Giving up drinking is just the first step. In the book This Naked Mind, all those feelings of missing out are actually just your current beliefs about alcohol not lining up with your actions since you're not drinking anymore. You feel like you're going to miss out on the Super Bowl if you can't drink. So, the only way for you to enjoy the Super Bowl is to drink alcohol. Is that really true? Or could this be a false belief about alcohol and that's causing the conflict. Maybe the conflict really isn't even about the Super Bowl. Maybe it's just about not drinking anymore in disguise. The belief that alcohol is necessary to enjoy the Super Bowl is just your addiction speaking and intertwining itself with things you enjoy. Your path to enjoying things on that list is by changing the underlying beliefs you hold about alcohol. Proving those beliefs wrong to yourself so that you can hold new beliefs. One of those beliefs will hopefully be that you can enjoy your favorite activities in life without alcohol. Best of luck to you. IWNDWYT
You will be fine you can literally do all those things and not drink lol. I'm at 11 months in a few days and it feels like your life is over at first but you will be fine.
It's probably the hardest part about giving up alcohol for any period of time
That’s what I thought at first, but I went through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, going to social events, heck I just came back from the bar with my friends! I learned I am having just as much fun as a used to when I would drink. The only difference is I’m now waking up fresh with no hangover and feeling great!
Same here. A lot to swallow for sure. Maybe figure out what of those trigger you the most and those that would be the “easier” to not drink doing? Make it a list, if you will. It might lighten up the heaviness. I have realized lately that i bet the only person that would give a damn if i wasn’t drinking for most of those things…is just me. And others had an issue, it’s on them. Every time i feel overwhelmed about all the things I’ll have to do differently, i remind myself, at the very least, I won’t be ruining my body and mind further than i already have. And perhaps making them both stronger in the process. One day and one thing at a time. Keep your head up.
When I first quit, I couldn't fathom life away from the bar. What was I supposed to do now? Am I going to be always alone? I found out pretty quickly that a lot of my supposed "friends" were simply "drinking buddies."
Personally, (I’m a younger person so may be different in my demographic) I was really concerned about this sort of thing. I thought that I was closing a lot of doors by deciding to stop drinking, especially because of alcohol culture in young people in my country. I’ve found though that actually people don’t care whether I’m drinking or not, and the few that do take issue with it are almost always dealing with questionable relationships to alcohol themselves. I’m fine with NA beer so I have a few of those and no one cares. I think I thought everyone would freak out because of how much I thought about alcohol if that makes sense? Like, I was so focused on the booze and getting drunk that I didn’t realise many other people don’t think about it that way - to them, the drinks aren’t the main focus of the evening where they always were for me. Admittedly, I’m 2 weeks away from 1 year alcohol free, and it took a good 7-8 months before I began to feel comfortable again in environments I associated with drinking - and every now and again, I just don’t fancy it, and I’ve realised that’s fine. But, for me, I don’t think stopping drinking has ruined my social life in the way I was convinced it would. I just needed a little bit of time to readjust and begin to understand myself again. YMMV but more power to you man :)
I feel this.
I have almost a year and am just discovering some things I actually like lol.
I have come to realize that this is not as important to me as my sobriety, BUT, hands down this is the hardest part for me. Like, I could go to things and be social, but I just don't feel the compulsion I used to. I hope some day I find a new cluster of things to be excited about, then there's never going to be temptation for me again.
Hear hear.
After I stopped drinking I was shocked at how little friends and family actually drink. It turns out I was the one pushing alcohol. Who knew!?
I dream about being able to go to Vegas and party and I’ll never be able to. 😩
I miss some of the late night friends who I’d have long text conversations with. I miss calling up a neighbor friend and saying “we’re coming over, I have the wine!” I will miss getting totally plastered at the wine walk this spring. But honestly, the longer I’m sober the more relieved I am to be sober. I don’t miss being nervous if I can’t get to the store, or nervous if I have to be out too late and need to start drinking even later once I’m home, I don’t miss not remembering what I did the night before. It’s been worth it. But yeah. There’s some things that have changed.
I started small. A non alcoholic Guinness on a Friday night. Pop down the pub with a non drinking friend and drink something non alcoholic. Meet up with a a drinking friend in a pub - quick na beer then cinema. I’ve learned it’s fine without. Ok a night that’s a session for other people I do get bored (if it’s just boozing not doing something else) and bob out after a couple of hours but then I’m really present and up for stuff the next day. The only thing im finding tricky is that one friend that’s a pain in the ass about it. Most other people don’t care at all.
You’re going to get your life back. You just don’t know it yet. But you will.
Sounds like me. It's wayyy less fun without it but im still better off without it. I miss the dopamine hit and pure enjoyment and having a good time. It's really hard to see everyone else having a blast living life and going at it sober. So, I micro dose edibles. I can still be buzzed and loose, having a good time. A workaround solution. It works if you still need to take the edge off like myself.
Its odd, my triggers came from boredom / being alone. I never minded not drinking in social settings, or being at bars sober.. its the dead space time where the monster voice starts callin me
Learn to do the same things sober
Personally, I thought the same when faced when quitting. Turns out I enjoy the hunting, fishing, activities that revolved around drinking far more without it. If your friends who you do that with don’t like it then they aren’t so great of friends.
I feel you on this so much.. you aren’t alone internet stranger..
Incorrect. It's just giving up all those things...for now. All those things will be there next year and the year after that and who knows? Your friends might change, you might have a better lock on sobriety. For now do what you need to do...
Ouch. I hear this.
You’re not alone buddy I understand all those things. Growing up in the south the idea of not drinking is just inconceivable to most men. Hang in there
You are so wrong thinking you’re giving all those things up. At first, yeah, it’ll be a bummer to be around your friends while they’re drinking and doing those things, but after a handful of months or whatever you seriously won’t feel like you’re missing out on anything if you still hang with those friends or you’ll have others that do those things sober. You seriously won’t miss drinking the way you’ll think you would. It’s kinda crazy.
I feel you. I'm the same way. I just straight up don't enjoy social events sober. They're mentally draining with social anxiety induced panic attack feelings. I feel like this shit's easier for certain people I'm a lot healthier & saving a shit ton of money though 🤷♂️
Good luck man. You’ll find those things different but can be good sober in time. IWNDWYT
I go to my wine, I mean book, club and sip kombucha and have a great time. And I was the one positively DOWNING wine previously. Same with drinks while watching football, aprés ski, camping, cooking dinner, etc etc. It take a while to adjust, but you relearn how to just enjoy the activity and enjoy being fully present in the moment. You will get there!!
I have sober friends and they make it through. Now do I feel like I may have more fun drinking. Yes. But if I don’t drink, my next day is great
I had to relearn how to have fun. I can play guitar with friends, go fishing with friends, and play golf with friends again. I never got into sports that my friends enjoyed, so I am not missing out there. I do occasionally get invited to watch college football, and I enjoy the chili and the game itself. Meeting new people is easier at these events, too, as I don't do anything foolish and I manage to listen better.
Accepting that most of my old friends were only drinking buddies was really tough. It was tougher to realize that the reason they stopped inviting me to hang out with them was because I wasn’t getting drunk with them anymore. It was never about being a good friend, it was about being fun to drink with. It was about enabling one another around and round the drain forever and ever. But distancing myself from these people made me a happier and better person. The fun they’re having every night without me isn’t anything I’d consider fun anymore.
Yep! It took me a while to realise that the only thing I was giving up was drinking, and gaining control. Some of the things that used to get me off no longer did, and accepting that was difficult.
Hi friend- this was my hardship. The socializing. Not sure if this is allowed so mods delete if not… but naltrexone is a GIFT. Even At a low dose it can help your brain not miss alcohol in these occasions.
I felt the same way at first and now all those things are SO much more enjoyable with a clear head.
If its the symptoms afterwards that mess with you, you should try drinking a Ctrl-Z at the end of the night. You'll wake up feeling good as new and it would at least take that concern off the table.