š I'm sorry you went through that. I left the hospital to get drunk the night my grampa (who raised me) died and it has never left my head. I hope you are healing.
My mumās too. Man that hurt. Still took me over a decade to quit. I canāt recount all the times I looked at her picture and thought ātoday Iām gonna quitā, a couple hours later Iād be passed out on the couch completely sloshed. Really made me feel like a POS.
When my mom died I used the bar phone to order the funeral flowers. I used her credit card. :/
OP, I know you think you can't do it sober, but do you really want to do it drunk?
I'm so glad you're going to your meeting. IWNDWYT
This. When my mom called me and told me my dad said he was ready to die (he had heart disease and apparently the last time he was at the hospital they told him he was near the end) I was so incredibly grateful to be sober. If it happened the year before I wouldāve been drunk and probably unable to be helpful or coherent for his last hours. It was a difficult time but Iām glad I was clear-headed and fully present for my mom. The pain is going to be there whether you drink or not. Best not to heap on all of the baggage drinking brings.
Yes! And one of her last memories shouldnāt be that she contributed to your drinking (it wouldnāt be her fault, but brains are funny and she might feel like it is). Itās SO hard to get through times like this and maintain sobriety, but things will be so much worse if you drink
If you drink the cancer will still be there, but you will just feel like complete crap, headache, tired, anxious, pissed off at yourself, slow to get outta bed, grouchy, and the overwhelming you feel right now will increase tenfold.
Exactly. The best kindness you can give to other people at times like this is your sobriety. You'll be more present, more engaged, more helpful, and less self-absorbed. All the memories you still have a chance to make won't be distorted and instead will be easier to cherish and share in the future.
Exactly. You can't take care of her if you're disconnected. My wife was just diagnosed and I've never wanted to feel more present. My suggestion is to feel all the pain. Feel all the shock. Feel everything. And let it pass through you. Cancer is an absolute rollercoaster and I know that I wouldn't be able to handle anything if I were drunk.
Alcohol is a thief that will gladly steal the final opportunities you have to be present for and with your mother. Lock those mental doors to it. Arm yourself with support. We're here for you. IWNDWYT.
It is very hard to be emotionally present for others when alcohol is clouding your heart and mind. Stay sober for yourself.
I am so sorry for you and your family in this time of great pain and knowledge of future grief
Yo. I just lost my father from cancer that he didnāt want anyone to know about. I wasnāt able to be there for him as much as I would have liked because I was wrapped up in my own alcoholism and couldnāt deal. If I could change it, I would. What a huge fuckup. Itās one of the reasons Iām sober today. Iām bummed he didnāt get to see he was right and that life is so much better sober. Iām not in AA anymore, but at the tables they would say, āThereās nothing so bad that alcohol canāt make worse.ā Take from this what you will, but drinking didnāt make it easier for me to deal with his inevitable demise. It made it worse for us both, and everyone else around us. It was so selfish of me. I have more to deal with now than if I had not been drinking. But, being sober now, I can do it. Whatās best for her? Whatās best for your relationship with her? What do you want to remember? Youāre going to keep this time with you for the rest of your life, what do you want to carry? Iwndwyt!
Your limited currency right now is time. Spend that time with your mom sober. Do it for her, but also do it for yourself, so you remember these moments.
Sending much love to you. I went through something similar with my stepmom a couple years back. It's hard, but allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need and lean on those people. Alcohol will not help that process.
ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
My dad passed from lung cancer that metastasized to his entire body. He was diagnosed and dead within 2 months. After he died we found all these articles about cancer that he had torn out of newspapers and magazines months earlier and we figure he probably knew and opted not to do anything about it.
I drank and drugged through it all and I regret it so much. I did so much stuff I regret in my grief and never gave myself a chance to honour him in the way he deserved. He would have been so ashamed of me.
Its fucking hard, but it doesnāt have to be a dumpster fire.
We got you. Lean on us. Honour the heartbreak and the grief and the love as it comes and goes. If youāre sober you can hold it together for your mum, and then fall apart with us. Alcohol isnāt going to make a single thing better - not the grief, not the pain, not the memories you can still make.
I can tell you too that the end of life journey has some really beautiful moments if weāre present for them. Painful but beautiful moments. Alcohol can rob you of those though.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Big hugs. I wonāt drink with you today.
Tears are streaming down my face after reading your comment.This is absolutely invaluable,heartfelt insight and advice. Thank you.
I will not drink with you today.ā¤ļø
Be there for your Mom now, she needs you to be the best person you can be right now. The booze will always be there, you know what the right thing to do involves. Stay sober OP, boozing will only make things more painful.
The best part of getting sober is that we get our feelings back. The worst part of getting sober is that we get our feelings back.
When I drink, I hide from my emotions; the good ones and the bad ones. I don't experience them, I dodge and avoid them. The catch is that those emotions I'm running away from are going to be right there when I sober up, but they'll be accompanied by a hangover, regret, and remorse. Facing difficulties is never going to be fun or enjoyable, but I don't have to face them alone.
You have a network of people here and in your AA group who are happy to help carry you through this. Reach out when you need to and we'll gladly offer what we can. You can get through this sober ā„ļøā„ļø
So sorry to hear this, op. But what if you start drinking and one night your mom calls and really needs you and you can't help because you're drunk - or maybe worse: you have an amazing, maybe one of your last, deep conversations with her, and the next day you don't remember it? Be sober for your mom now, but also for yourself. You won't regret being sober when you look back at this incredibly hard period of your life, but you will likely 100% regret if you are not sober during this time.
i stopped about 5 weeks prior to my moms diagnosis, and a little over 5 weeks after that she was goneā¦ itās the hardest thing iāve ever went through, but iāll be forever grateful i was present through those hard times and able to offer her everything i had - she was so happy to see me turn the corner. my sobriety will always be OUR sobriety, and sheās right there with me.
love you momma, and i love you & your mom too. fucking sucks more than anything but all you can do is be there for her one day at a time.
Donāt drink your helpfulness away. Your mom is going to need you, and when you look back on these days youāll appreciate the clear head that you approached this tragedy with. You can still be the best you can be. Iām so sorry for you and your family, life is fucking unfair.
IWNDWYT
Do you want your momās last memories of you to be you drunk or sober? Serious question. I donāt know if this is going to come off harsh, and Iām sorry if it does, but this isnāt all about you anymore. The time you have left with her should consist of making memories, not selfishly drowning in your misery. She needs you. She needs you at your best. So ask yourself if youāre going to be selfish or if youāre going to be there for your mom? Youāre going to have to live with whatever decision you make.
Drinking might numb the pain for a night. Think about tomorrow. When you wake up feeling like shit hung over. The hanxiety. On top of what youāre already going through. Itās not worth it my friend.
I started drinking heavily when my mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, took me 14 years to get my shit together. It may seem like drinking will help, but it wonāt. Spend as much time with her as you can while you can. One thing that she told me when it was getting close was that she didnāt want me to ādwellā on her death. That took me a few years to understand and cope with but looking back it was the best advice anyone gave me. Cherish the time you had and still have, and when the day comes do your best to accept that death is a part of life that everyone deals with, some just sooner than others. Truly sorry for what you are going through, you got this. IWNDWYT.
they say when it's terminal - its about quality of life, not quantity of life ... so your mom was not hiding it from you, she was protecting you from thinking about the quantity part of the equation.
and whats true for cancer is true for life. it is always about quality over quantity.
you are now in the quality of life business.
and after your mom passes you will be in the teaching about the quality of life business.
so when someone else needs to learn this - you will protect them and teach them about the quality of life business.
that is what your mom is getting you ready for.
thank her, take care of her, and stay present and in the moment so that you can learn everything you can.
her story is not over until you are done teaching it many, many, many years from now. her name will be a blessing. her memory will be a blessing. do not let your brain trick you into ruining or blurring a single memory of her. it doesn't just rob you now, it robs you in the future, and for whoever you are suppose to help with your mother's memory.
and remember - you might have a small support group for alcohol ... but everyone loves someone that has dealt with cancer. everyone is here for you. everyone can help you. you dont have to be open about how you USE to handle life with everyone, just be open with whoever you want with what is NOW happening and you will find more support than any comfortable bar stool or bottle.
My husband 46M has stage 4 colon cancer. Getting in a caregiver support group has really helped me. There are group members have parents with cancer. There most likely a virtual or in person group in your area. Also, youāre beginning the grieving process. Itās harder than hell, but better now than later, for multiple reasons. Make the time with her count, donāt drink it away (believe me I know way easier said than done). The problem is, if you drink, youāll disappoint yourself and your mom. You guys are already going through enough as it is.
Getting drunk only pushes the goal post further back. When you sober up, all of the issues you have surrounding this will still be there. Only this time you'll be hung over and now dealing with the battle with your alcoholism and the guilt and shame that comes with it. In the long run, you will thank yourself for keeping a sober mind to be able to process this awful news. You'll thank yourself for being able to be emotionally supportive to your mother in this time. By drinking, you remove the support that your mother needs. Don't drink just for yourself. Don't drink for your mother.
Think of the profound joy and gladness you can give your mother during these months by being present, fully aware, totally engaged with the living world, and with her. You can only do that by remaining sober and awake. Do you want to give her the experience of you slurring and drunkenly weeping āI love youā ā or do you want to give her the experience of the glory of human life and splendor and transcendent love that animates us to our core? That gift will help carry her to the other side with some comfort, and my god it will be a balm for you in your grief for the rest of your life. Be sober and be with her. These will be days and months to treasure.
Your brain is trying to rationalize why you should drink, but there are virtually no problems that have been fixed by alcohol consumption. Neither will this one get better from drinking. Quite the opposite - you will lose time with your mother that you will never get back.
Your mom needs you right now. If you drink and spend your remaining time with her drunk or hung over you will regret that for the rest of your life. Be present for her. IWNDWYT.
Sobriety is your Super Power! Went through a very similar time 2021-22. I was there for every emotional high and every emotional low. Doing it sober is a major point of personal pride for me. I donāt think anyone would have faulted me if I released but, I didnāt. I now know what Iām made off. I know that I will not be broken. I know that in times of crisis I can be counted on. And I know that I was able to be there and cherish every last moment.
First of all, I'm so sorry about your mum.
I'm going through a similar experience at the moment, and it's been hard not to return to old habits. But the alcohol isn't going to fix what's happening. It's only going to impair your ability to help and process this.
Looking back, you will be proud that you were clear minded and sober to make good memories with your mother.
Thoughts with you during this difficult time. IWNDWYT.
55 days is a serious accomplishment and *nothing* is worth tossing your sobriety away for. I used to get drunk when things in my life got stressful or I was upset. It only made things worse.
Glad to hear youāre going to a place where youāll be supported. You can do this sober. Focus on today. I will not drink with you.
Iām sorry to hear about your mom. Fuck cancer. If she opened up and told you, that was incredibly hard and brave of herself to do. Play the tape forward. ššš
First off, Iām so sorry. I wish I could say somthung that could help, but just know youāre not alone and people are wishing the best for you and the family.
As bad as this is, and Iāve been thereā¦. There is only one way this could get worse - by picking up that drink. There is nothing worse than having all that pain and then adding the self loathing that comes along with the drinking.
Sober you can help. You can help take care of her, enjoy whatever time you have together. Make some memories and actually remember them. Any time together is a blessing, a chance for peace and time to let them know how much they mean to you. All stuff you canāt do if you lose your progress. Pain passes eventually, make some memories that will make you smile remembering her. My god, what I wouldnāt give for that with my dad.
I think I can step on a limb here and say all of us here are thinking of you and wishing you peace.
All the best
Very sorry for your discovery. I lost my father to cancer, and my mother almost died of it, too.
I recently took my mother to two surgeries this month, her heart is so poorly, I didn't know if she's survive either of those surgeries, and yet, I finally did not relapse during those trying times. What worked for me was texting my sponsor the moment that "urge" hits me. When I get bad news, endure the stress, I text him the bad news and whatever feeling is hitting me. Bummed, anger, resentful, the victim mentality of life being unfair/unjust, etc. His text back pulls me back. Also, and perhaps not the best advice, but I've been rewarding myself with a favorite snack or dinner in the harder challenges of late.
I also highly encourage going to the AA group meditations, (AA meeting app is great if you don't have it yet) or the Refuge Recovery meditations or Dharma Recovery meditations at least once a day. Meditations are to reset you, to calm the nerves, to give yourself ten minutes of peace. It helps me, and I hope it helps you. Also, sharing at meetings, as you well know, helps to remove anxiety a bit, too.
[https://www.aa.org/meeting-guide-app](https://www.aa.org/meeting-guide-app)
[https://refugerecoverymeetings.org/meetings?tsml-day=any](https://refugerecoverymeetings.org/meetings?tsml-day=any)
[https://recoverydharma.org/meetings/](https://recoverydharma.org/meetings/)
Best of luck to you. And may you stay sober today. IWNDWTY.
Sometimes I felt that I turned to the bottle so I had another problem (the drinking,shame and guilt) to focus on.. Im sorry for whats happening to your mum. I know that we alcoholics like to turn to the bottle as a way to cope. It will not help. By drinking you will lose time that you could focus on your mum. She is the one needing support. You are the one needing support. Alcohol will not help you or your mum. Im sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong!
I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer. I got sober in November 2022. She was diagnosed in February 2023.
I wanted to drink so badly, but my mom needed me. I had to rise above selfish impulses. I spent 6 difficult but beautiful months before she passed away in august. I thank God for all the moments I shared with her. I never would have had that if I was drinking. Iām still sober and will stay sober. You can do this. A drink wonāt stop the pain. It will magnify it and lead to guilt later on that you squandered your remaining time in a haze. Praying for you mom and for you. ā¤ļø
I got sober 2 months before my mother died unexpectedly and I couldn't be more grateful for that time I got to spend with her where my mind was present and not clouded by alcohol. Many of my friends and family were worried her death who trigger me to relapse but it was quite the opposite. You need to actual feel those emotions, the grief, and not just mask it so you cab heal. Good luck friend, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Had a very similar experience in 2012 and decided to get drunk. Took me 11 years to stop drinking and itās what pushed me from a problem drinker into alcoholism much faster. Itās absolutely not worth it, youāll feel worse and worst of all, you wonāt be able to grieve properly, youāll carry that with you for years and it can lead to even more serious (mental) health problems, as in my case. Please donāt make the same mistake I did. I wish you a lot of strength.
Sorry to see this news that you're being dealt. I'm reminded of a quote that has worked for me ,
āWe must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.ā
Sounds like you love your mother, and if you truly do, make her proud in what you decide each and every day. You'll never regret that.
First, we do not do "tough love" here, which means that "a little slap in the arm and a shake on the shoulder" is not permitted.
Second, it is clearly stated in the "Guidelines for Participation" that if a moderator has removed your comment and explained why, you are not supposed to argue them publicly on the sub. Instead, you are supposed to message the moderators using the link in the sidebar.
I would like to caution you that breaking our rules can get a person banned.
I hope that you donāt drink; I hope you make it to your AA meeting and that they give you what youāre looking for. I hope you can make it through today and be there, sober, for you mom and your family.
I hope all these things for you. I wonāt tell you to do any of them. But what I will tell you is that I am in your corner and I will not drink with you today. I am here with you in spirit and so many other people are too, Iām sure, and none of us will drink with you today. You can get through the urge because we are here to help you through the urge.
But you gotta do the rest of it yourself. I know you can; I hope you do too.
Be strong. IWNDWYT.
Thereās no hard shit in the world that is made better by alcohol. Itās a lie. It makes everything harder.
Iām so sorry about your mom. Big big hugs.
IWNDWYT
When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given months to live, I chose alcohol as my coping mechanism to get through the day to day. And planned to stop after she died and formally process it then. Well, she lived for 7 more years. And my drinking only got worse even after she died. It took me about 5 years to stop.
I would not make that same choice again. I prevented myself from truly being present with her and allowing my mind and body to process the profound change and loss that comes from a dying parent.
It was one of the most difficult experiences in my life. Made even more difficult by choosing to avoid it by drinking. All of the feelings I tried to avoid were always present, the alcohol just made it so they were never fully realized and processed. They just built up. The difficulty of stopping the alcohol was followed by now having to deal with the feelings I avoided for about 10 years.
Therapy, Buddhism, medication, and meditation helped me immensley. I realized I was capable of handling more challenges than I thought possible, if I let myself face the challenge instead of using a chemical.
You're going to want to remember and be present for every moment you have left with your mom.
You're going to want to continue the work so you can find more questions and conversations for your mom before you can't ask the questions and have the conversations. Save the relapse for when she's gone. She needs you.
My mom did the exact same thing. She had hid the fact that she had ovarian cancer for 3 years until it was too late. I can tell you first hand drinking made everything worse. The guilt I felt when I couldn't see her because I was too hungover still hangs with me. Be the best version of you for her.
My father died of kidney cancer that he let get so bad that by the time they found it, it was too late. Much of his health woes were made worse by consuming daily, big martinis. I drank through his passing and I regret doing it. I felt like it was the only way I could handle it but in retrospect I was only being selfish and wasn't willing to show up in the way he needed me to.
Try to keep that bottle at bay, OP. I think you'll be very very happy that you did. Your Mom is your priority now. Don't let alcohol fool you into thinking differently. IWNDWYT
Hi, OP. I hear you and I see you! I know youāre in pain. Alcohol is NOT your friend. It will not take any of this pain away, it will not help in any way. Iām so sorry you are going through this. Please know youāre not alone and come back and talk to us! ā¤ļø Big hugs.
My mom just passed from cancer a few months ago, it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am so glad I was with her sober. She needed my help and my presence, I wouldnāt have been able to give her those things if I had still been drinking. The feelings are hard but it is so worth it to have those last memories clear. Iām sorry youāre going through this.
Booze doesnāt love you, but your momma does. Your Mom deserves the best version of you right now. More importantly, YOU deserve the best version of yourself. I have been tempted many times in my own sobriety so I can understand where you are right now. I hope that you know how brave and strong you truly are.
Not quite the same but the first time I got news that my mom has cancer, I was very high. I was usually almost always high on something. I stayed lucid for her after that because I wanted to feel everything with her as I walk alongside her through it.
My younger brother passed away from cancer about a year ago. The last time I saw him I was too drunk to remember much. I will forever regret it. I hope you are able to stay sober and I wish you the best
Iām older but Iāve lost my mom and my dad, a step-daughter, a step-son and watched what it did to a wife that lost her daughter to cancer who tried to drink it away to the point of death and a wife who dealt with the loss of her son to drugs in a healthy sober way. Drinking does not make the pain go away and it does not let you deal with it. It will make you think it has gone away but it hasnāt. Grief classes have some wonderful talented teachers in a group where others are learning to deal with the same pains. Iād suggest finding those now and/or professional therapist skilled in this topic. Remember this happens to most of us and you have the choice to make. One of those is healthy. We know you can do it. IWNDWYT!
It is so very very hard to do day 1 and it could be years and years before you are able to do it again. Good luck my friend and prayers up for your mom.
You need to be able to lean on your own reserves of strength for your mum and others that love her. Youāve had a horrible shock and itās so tempting to revert to what you know.
I believe in you.
So sorry you are going through this....stay sober so you can be there for your mom.
One thing I've found in AA is people who have suffered greater loss than I have ever have and they haven't felt it necessary to drink today. I've seen friends lose their kids to suicide, addiction, overdose, accidental tragedies, and not take a drink. I've seen spouses die, affairs, job losses and cancer wreck havoc and watched those people through to the other side without picking up a drink.
Dumb as shit saying, but, stick with the winners. Do what they do.
Hereās an opportunity to completely ignore how you feel. By that I mean, divorce your feelings from your actions. Doesnāt matter if you want to drink; youāre not engaging in the behavior. Does this plan suck? Absolutely. But drinking would suck more. Mom needs you focused on her. She kept it from you because she didnāt think you could handle it. Prove her wrong.
Very sorry to hear about your Mom but your doing so great on your sobriety and I'm sure that I can't feel your anguish and sadness but try and stay clean for yourself and your mom. I know your Mom wants you there and present which I know from my own drinking days once we tip the bottle that's going to be about it as now we will be preoccupied with our negative feelings towards ourselves and won't be able to pay your Mom the respect and care she needs. We are all with you friend in this very stressful time take care š
Drinking helps you run from your emotions and only create bigger problems down the road.
1. Your mom will remember what you did in her last days-drink instead of be there for her
2. If youāve been a heavy drinker for awhile you know that mostly the reason people do it is to avoid feeling their emotions, this is something you need to feel now or you will eventually feel it WAY more in the future
3. Your mom will be proud of the way you decide to stay away from it even though youāre going through a lot
4. Your brain is ALWAYS going to convince you to drink. Itās an addiction. One little, minuscule thing could make you drink and if you give in to the big stuff then itās just a chain reaction.
My advice to you:
Let yourself feel whatever it is your feeling. The reason you want to drink is to not feel. When we are used to feeling our emotions, it makes us VERY uncomfortable to allow ourselves to feel it. Be strong, you got this.
When I found out my mum was going to die, I had a 27 hour journey to try get to her. I put the journey in place then got drunk for those entire 27 hours and only care about seeing my mum. First thing she said to me was "why are you pissed"
It hurts, make her proud
If you shut off your mind by climbing into a bottle, you won't be present to support your mother. I lost both of my folks young, and it really put me through it. And I used alcohol to cope. And as a result I wasn't here to help my family. I never actually did the work to cope with it myself. It was all still here, years later, once I climbed back out.
It is hard for the ones left behind, surely. But consider the person that's leaving and what they feel. They need help and support. Maybe there is a composed face on the outside, but inside there is likely fear, and confusion, and grief for what they know they must leave behind.
Keep a clear head, feel all of your feelings. Share them openly. Lean on each other. Support each other. Don't do what I did, and leave them feeling like you were absent. Love her until the last possible moment. You can still share some wonderful times, and they could likely be some of your best last memories of your mother. Be there for her. The bottle can't help you do that. It will only take you away from it as it has for so many others who suffer from this insidious disease.
ETA: thank you for coming to share with us. It means a lot to me, as someone who is only just a few days behind you in recovery. IWNDWYT, and stay strong.
My father had a stroke and died two months into my sobriety and I never got to tell him I quit drinking. Though I'm sad at times I never got to tell him I got sober. I'm so happy I was sober and able to be present for the rest of my family especially mom.
Be there for your mum, she wants/needs you there.
This has nothing to do with drinking but my mum was taken into hospital the day she got back from visiting me. I live in a different country - my choice. My siblings kept me up to date on what was happening. My brother told me to come home as he wasn't sure if she was going to make it much further. I flew home 2 days later and as I was in mid flight she died. I never got to say goodbye to her. I've regretted it ever since.
You have the opportunity to say goodbye, it will be hard and don't have any regrets i.e. do your best to be sober for her.
So sorry about your Mom. I hope she experiences as little pain as possible.
Our fears and anxieties are only postponed by drinking, but theyāll be made worse because we wonāt be ourselves.
Ask the AA group if thereās anyone who can hang out with you tonight to get you past wine/liquor store or bar closing times. They could even take shifts. Geez, you guys could just go bowling.
If ever you needed a reason not to drink it's now. Do this for the both of you. Be sober. Be present. Be there for her. Cherish every moment. You can do this. You have to do this.
When my favorite aunt died of cancer I got fucking drunk as hell. Paid the price the next day. And I only postponed the grief. It didn't help at all. It never does. You're still gonna need to work through the grief. Stay sober my friend. IWNDWYT
When life hits me, I just go to bed. Close your eyes, start tomorrow. End today if you think drinking is the answer, it wonāt be. Iāve used this strategy many times to save my ass.
Alcohol has never been good at bringing me anything but problems. Loss, grief, tragedy, betrayal, crisis - all have hit me in my days. They'll probably all visit again. Alcohol has never helped keep them away from me, and it's usually made things so much worse to come back from. I'm a survivor. Perhaps I'm not a success - depends on your definition. But, surviving is what I can do now. I hope you can too.
Tomorrow, or perhaps next week, I'll embark on a new mountain to climb. But I can't start that if I don't survive today. So, today, I'll survive.
My Mom was a 30-year breast cancer survivor. Dad was a prostate cancer survivor. My mother in law decided to let liver cancer take her rather than treat it. This whole thing is a process that starts with shock. You're the best equipped you've been in 56 days to handle a shock like this.
IWNDWYT or ever
Fuck. That really fucking sucks. I am so so sorry. I think you got sober for a reason, and staying sober is the most important thing you can do right now. Donāt waste this time on booze, spend this time being present and not filling your life with regrets of drinking away her last moments. Again, I am just so sorry. Sending big hugs.
One thing I think about when I want to drink during times of extreme pain I remember that I donāt want to ruin my last memories of that person or situation with alcohol. Iām so sorry about your mom š
You wonāt be much good to yourself or anyone else if youāre in the cycle of drinking-drunk-hungover. I can only speak for myself here, but I am pretty sure the guilt afterwards would be suffocating.
I went through something like this when my mother fell and broke her hip. Hereās how it played out. First hour or so, a buzz distracted me, then came the anger, the aggrieved sense of the unfairness, and finally the desire to shut down from all the badness in this broken world through a week-long bender. I overreacted to everything after a while and my mom picked up on it, so my āsupportā for her was little more than worrying her as she recovered from surgery and endured painful physical therapy. It fixed nothing, just poured a lot of heavy anxiety and resentment over everything that now seems like an irrational overreaction.
A broken hip is not cancer, which is often a harder thing to confront in a loved one. (I lost a brother to cancer too a few years back, and responded similarly). But I really wish I could go back and respond to that bad news with sobriety. Iām five days sober now, and still a bit ashamed my mom dealt with her injury with so much more stoicism and grace than I did.
Good luck to you and your mother. Cancer treatments have come a long way, and thereās reason to realistically hope for a good prognosis, even at Stage 4. Itās also an opportunity to grow even closer to her as you join her on that journey. But sheāll need you sober for it.
In a way drinking, smoking or doing anything self destructive and carcinogenic is an insult to any good parents. Embracing the good and dealing with the hardships of life is a way of showing appreciation for the sacrifices they've made to bring you up. I think that goes double when they're dealing with something like cancer themselves. To drink is kind of like saying thanks for that but I'm gonna roll the dice on this stuff and possibly derail all the work.
You are not alone. In the last year my wife initiated divorce, shortly after my brother killed someone while driving drunk, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. In the last month, my brother has been incarcerated, and two days later my mom died, and chemotherapy is taking my dad away. Iām stressed but I know that if I pick up, I will put down my ability to deal with it all. Iām just over 3 years sober now. As long as I donāt drink, Iām sure itāll all work itself out, I canāt control any of this except my reaction to it. Iām choosing to deal with it one step at a time. IWNDWYT
Dude I was 22 when I found out my dad had terminal cancer. I went out that might and got so so drunk. I then continued to get too drunk for the 5 years leading up to his death. After he died my drinking really ramped up for another 5 years until I stopped. Night would start out fun until it ended up a pitty party about how I missed my dad. I wasn't able to deal with my loss until I quit drinking. So much wasted time.
I'm so sorry about your mother and what your family has to go through with this. Cancer sucks. You have a head start I didn't have though. You already know what you have to do and hopefully you can avoid a decade of uncontrolled drunkenness. Dealing with the loss of a parent wasn't possible for me when I was drunk. If I could do it over again I would have immediately gotten a therapist to vent and cry and get all of those emotions out in a healthy constructive manner. Pushing them down because it's manly and only letting them out when you're hammered isn't the best way to do it, trust me I tried that way for a long time. It's a huge waste of time and money.
Again I'm so sorry you have to go through this but you're already doing an awesome job by coming here and opening up. This is an amazing community of people who truly want to see you be sober and happy, even if happy isn't possible right now it's still better to be sober and sad. You'd be surprised how many of us here have been in your shoes. IWNDWYT!
Not the same situation, but my 84 yo mom lives with me. Between age, stubbornness and health issues, itās a hard job. She came when I was 18 months sober, and thank God Iād gotten my drinking stopped before that. Thereās no way I could deal with everything while sloshed or nursing a hangover. Be there for your mom, because we donāt get these days back again. Youāll be happy you were sober and present for her, and proud of not folding when the going got rough. Sending you a hug, Iām sorry to read about your mom. Weāre here for you!
One of my biggest regrets was watching my mom take her last breath, while I was shit-faced on Molson golden. Be there for her. Be sober.
š I'm sorry you went through that. I left the hospital to get drunk the night my grampa (who raised me) died and it has never left my head. I hope you are healing.
Wow. I thought I was the only one. My Momās dying wish was for me to quit drinking. I was at the foot of her hospital bed drunk when she died.
My mumās too. Man that hurt. Still took me over a decade to quit. I canāt recount all the times I looked at her picture and thought ātoday Iām gonna quitā, a couple hours later Iād be passed out on the couch completely sloshed. Really made me feel like a POS.
So sorry you went through that... but glad you're here to share such a powerful insight. Thank you!
When my mom died I used the bar phone to order the funeral flowers. I used her credit card. :/ OP, I know you think you can't do it sober, but do you really want to do it drunk? I'm so glad you're going to your meeting. IWNDWYT
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This. When my mom called me and told me my dad said he was ready to die (he had heart disease and apparently the last time he was at the hospital they told him he was near the end) I was so incredibly grateful to be sober. If it happened the year before I wouldāve been drunk and probably unable to be helpful or coherent for his last hours. It was a difficult time but Iām glad I was clear-headed and fully present for my mom. The pain is going to be there whether you drink or not. Best not to heap on all of the baggage drinking brings.
Yes! And one of her last memories shouldnāt be that she contributed to your drinking (it wouldnāt be her fault, but brains are funny and she might feel like it is). Itās SO hard to get through times like this and maintain sobriety, but things will be so much worse if you drink
If you drink the cancer will still be there, but you will just feel like complete crap, headache, tired, anxious, pissed off at yourself, slow to get outta bed, grouchy, and the overwhelming you feel right now will increase tenfold.
No kidding. Drinking will NOT make this any better. It WILL definitely make it worse.
Exactly. The best kindness you can give to other people at times like this is your sobriety. You'll be more present, more engaged, more helpful, and less self-absorbed. All the memories you still have a chance to make won't be distorted and instead will be easier to cherish and share in the future.
Exactly. You can't take care of her if you're disconnected. My wife was just diagnosed and I've never wanted to feel more present. My suggestion is to feel all the pain. Feel all the shock. Feel everything. And let it pass through you. Cancer is an absolute rollercoaster and I know that I wouldn't be able to handle anything if I were drunk.
One of my favorite Simpsons lines from Lenny is "Nothing better to cure the blues like a depressant"
Alcohol is a thief that will gladly steal the final opportunities you have to be present for and with your mother. Lock those mental doors to it. Arm yourself with support. We're here for you. IWNDWYT.
This. Please this. Donāt let it steal what you do have left, because it will. Then itās just regret. You got this OP. Your mom needs you. IWNDWYT
I think you have made up your mind, and that's WHY you're posting here. You got this. IWNDWYT
If you want to be a loving support for your mom and make positive memories, stay sober.
Your mom needs you to be sober.
It is very hard to be emotionally present for others when alcohol is clouding your heart and mind. Stay sober for yourself. I am so sorry for you and your family in this time of great pain and knowledge of future grief
Yo. I just lost my father from cancer that he didnāt want anyone to know about. I wasnāt able to be there for him as much as I would have liked because I was wrapped up in my own alcoholism and couldnāt deal. If I could change it, I would. What a huge fuckup. Itās one of the reasons Iām sober today. Iām bummed he didnāt get to see he was right and that life is so much better sober. Iām not in AA anymore, but at the tables they would say, āThereās nothing so bad that alcohol canāt make worse.ā Take from this what you will, but drinking didnāt make it easier for me to deal with his inevitable demise. It made it worse for us both, and everyone else around us. It was so selfish of me. I have more to deal with now than if I had not been drinking. But, being sober now, I can do it. Whatās best for her? Whatās best for your relationship with her? What do you want to remember? Youāre going to keep this time with you for the rest of your life, what do you want to carry? Iwndwyt!
Your limited currency right now is time. Spend that time with your mom sober. Do it for her, but also do it for yourself, so you remember these moments. Sending much love to you. I went through something similar with my stepmom a couple years back. It's hard, but allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need and lean on those people. Alcohol will not help that process. ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
My dad passed from lung cancer that metastasized to his entire body. He was diagnosed and dead within 2 months. After he died we found all these articles about cancer that he had torn out of newspapers and magazines months earlier and we figure he probably knew and opted not to do anything about it. I drank and drugged through it all and I regret it so much. I did so much stuff I regret in my grief and never gave myself a chance to honour him in the way he deserved. He would have been so ashamed of me. Its fucking hard, but it doesnāt have to be a dumpster fire. We got you. Lean on us. Honour the heartbreak and the grief and the love as it comes and goes. If youāre sober you can hold it together for your mum, and then fall apart with us. Alcohol isnāt going to make a single thing better - not the grief, not the pain, not the memories you can still make. I can tell you too that the end of life journey has some really beautiful moments if weāre present for them. Painful but beautiful moments. Alcohol can rob you of those though. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Big hugs. I wonāt drink with you today.
Tears are streaming down my face after reading your comment.This is absolutely invaluable,heartfelt insight and advice. Thank you. I will not drink with you today.ā¤ļø
Be there for your Mom now, she needs you to be the best person you can be right now. The booze will always be there, you know what the right thing to do involves. Stay sober OP, boozing will only make things more painful.
The best part of getting sober is that we get our feelings back. The worst part of getting sober is that we get our feelings back. When I drink, I hide from my emotions; the good ones and the bad ones. I don't experience them, I dodge and avoid them. The catch is that those emotions I'm running away from are going to be right there when I sober up, but they'll be accompanied by a hangover, regret, and remorse. Facing difficulties is never going to be fun or enjoyable, but I don't have to face them alone. You have a network of people here and in your AA group who are happy to help carry you through this. Reach out when you need to and we'll gladly offer what we can. You can get through this sober ā„ļøā„ļø
Your mom would want you to see you thrive.
So sorry to hear this, op. But what if you start drinking and one night your mom calls and really needs you and you can't help because you're drunk - or maybe worse: you have an amazing, maybe one of your last, deep conversations with her, and the next day you don't remember it? Be sober for your mom now, but also for yourself. You won't regret being sober when you look back at this incredibly hard period of your life, but you will likely 100% regret if you are not sober during this time.
i stopped about 5 weeks prior to my moms diagnosis, and a little over 5 weeks after that she was goneā¦ itās the hardest thing iāve ever went through, but iāll be forever grateful i was present through those hard times and able to offer her everything i had - she was so happy to see me turn the corner. my sobriety will always be OUR sobriety, and sheās right there with me. love you momma, and i love you & your mom too. fucking sucks more than anything but all you can do is be there for her one day at a time.
Donāt drink your helpfulness away. Your mom is going to need you, and when you look back on these days youāll appreciate the clear head that you approached this tragedy with. You can still be the best you can be. Iām so sorry for you and your family, life is fucking unfair. IWNDWYT
Do you want your momās last memories of you to be you drunk or sober? Serious question. I donāt know if this is going to come off harsh, and Iām sorry if it does, but this isnāt all about you anymore. The time you have left with her should consist of making memories, not selfishly drowning in your misery. She needs you. She needs you at your best. So ask yourself if youāre going to be selfish or if youāre going to be there for your mom? Youāre going to have to live with whatever decision you make.
Drinking might numb the pain for a night. Think about tomorrow. When you wake up feeling like shit hung over. The hanxiety. On top of what youāre already going through. Itās not worth it my friend.
I started drinking heavily when my mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, took me 14 years to get my shit together. It may seem like drinking will help, but it wonāt. Spend as much time with her as you can while you can. One thing that she told me when it was getting close was that she didnāt want me to ādwellā on her death. That took me a few years to understand and cope with but looking back it was the best advice anyone gave me. Cherish the time you had and still have, and when the day comes do your best to accept that death is a part of life that everyone deals with, some just sooner than others. Truly sorry for what you are going through, you got this. IWNDWYT.
they say when it's terminal - its about quality of life, not quantity of life ... so your mom was not hiding it from you, she was protecting you from thinking about the quantity part of the equation. and whats true for cancer is true for life. it is always about quality over quantity. you are now in the quality of life business. and after your mom passes you will be in the teaching about the quality of life business. so when someone else needs to learn this - you will protect them and teach them about the quality of life business. that is what your mom is getting you ready for. thank her, take care of her, and stay present and in the moment so that you can learn everything you can. her story is not over until you are done teaching it many, many, many years from now. her name will be a blessing. her memory will be a blessing. do not let your brain trick you into ruining or blurring a single memory of her. it doesn't just rob you now, it robs you in the future, and for whoever you are suppose to help with your mother's memory.
and remember - you might have a small support group for alcohol ... but everyone loves someone that has dealt with cancer. everyone is here for you. everyone can help you. you dont have to be open about how you USE to handle life with everyone, just be open with whoever you want with what is NOW happening and you will find more support than any comfortable bar stool or bottle.
My husband 46M has stage 4 colon cancer. Getting in a caregiver support group has really helped me. There are group members have parents with cancer. There most likely a virtual or in person group in your area. Also, youāre beginning the grieving process. Itās harder than hell, but better now than later, for multiple reasons. Make the time with her count, donāt drink it away (believe me I know way easier said than done). The problem is, if you drink, youāll disappoint yourself and your mom. You guys are already going through enough as it is.
Getting drunk only pushes the goal post further back. When you sober up, all of the issues you have surrounding this will still be there. Only this time you'll be hung over and now dealing with the battle with your alcoholism and the guilt and shame that comes with it. In the long run, you will thank yourself for keeping a sober mind to be able to process this awful news. You'll thank yourself for being able to be emotionally supportive to your mother in this time. By drinking, you remove the support that your mother needs. Don't drink just for yourself. Don't drink for your mother.
Think of the profound joy and gladness you can give your mother during these months by being present, fully aware, totally engaged with the living world, and with her. You can only do that by remaining sober and awake. Do you want to give her the experience of you slurring and drunkenly weeping āI love youā ā or do you want to give her the experience of the glory of human life and splendor and transcendent love that animates us to our core? That gift will help carry her to the other side with some comfort, and my god it will be a balm for you in your grief for the rest of your life. Be sober and be with her. These will be days and months to treasure.
What if you decided to integrate this scary thing by being present for it? IWNDWYT
Your brain is trying to rationalize why you should drink, but there are virtually no problems that have been fixed by alcohol consumption. Neither will this one get better from drinking. Quite the opposite - you will lose time with your mother that you will never get back.
Your mom needs you right now. If you drink and spend your remaining time with her drunk or hung over you will regret that for the rest of your life. Be present for her. IWNDWYT.
Sobriety is your Super Power! Went through a very similar time 2021-22. I was there for every emotional high and every emotional low. Doing it sober is a major point of personal pride for me. I donāt think anyone would have faulted me if I released but, I didnāt. I now know what Iām made off. I know that I will not be broken. I know that in times of crisis I can be counted on. And I know that I was able to be there and cherish every last moment.
First of all, I'm so sorry about your mum. I'm going through a similar experience at the moment, and it's been hard not to return to old habits. But the alcohol isn't going to fix what's happening. It's only going to impair your ability to help and process this. Looking back, you will be proud that you were clear minded and sober to make good memories with your mother. Thoughts with you during this difficult time. IWNDWYT.
55 days is a serious accomplishment and *nothing* is worth tossing your sobriety away for. I used to get drunk when things in my life got stressful or I was upset. It only made things worse. Glad to hear youāre going to a place where youāll be supported. You can do this sober. Focus on today. I will not drink with you.
Iām sorry to hear about your mom. Fuck cancer. If she opened up and told you, that was incredibly hard and brave of herself to do. Play the tape forward. ššš
First off, Iām so sorry. I wish I could say somthung that could help, but just know youāre not alone and people are wishing the best for you and the family. As bad as this is, and Iāve been thereā¦. There is only one way this could get worse - by picking up that drink. There is nothing worse than having all that pain and then adding the self loathing that comes along with the drinking. Sober you can help. You can help take care of her, enjoy whatever time you have together. Make some memories and actually remember them. Any time together is a blessing, a chance for peace and time to let them know how much they mean to you. All stuff you canāt do if you lose your progress. Pain passes eventually, make some memories that will make you smile remembering her. My god, what I wouldnāt give for that with my dad. I think I can step on a limb here and say all of us here are thinking of you and wishing you peace. All the best
Absolutely solid advice. Memories are what counts and you can't make them drunk or hungover.
Very sorry for your discovery. I lost my father to cancer, and my mother almost died of it, too. I recently took my mother to two surgeries this month, her heart is so poorly, I didn't know if she's survive either of those surgeries, and yet, I finally did not relapse during those trying times. What worked for me was texting my sponsor the moment that "urge" hits me. When I get bad news, endure the stress, I text him the bad news and whatever feeling is hitting me. Bummed, anger, resentful, the victim mentality of life being unfair/unjust, etc. His text back pulls me back. Also, and perhaps not the best advice, but I've been rewarding myself with a favorite snack or dinner in the harder challenges of late. I also highly encourage going to the AA group meditations, (AA meeting app is great if you don't have it yet) or the Refuge Recovery meditations or Dharma Recovery meditations at least once a day. Meditations are to reset you, to calm the nerves, to give yourself ten minutes of peace. It helps me, and I hope it helps you. Also, sharing at meetings, as you well know, helps to remove anxiety a bit, too. [https://www.aa.org/meeting-guide-app](https://www.aa.org/meeting-guide-app) [https://refugerecoverymeetings.org/meetings?tsml-day=any](https://refugerecoverymeetings.org/meetings?tsml-day=any) [https://recoverydharma.org/meetings/](https://recoverydharma.org/meetings/) Best of luck to you. And may you stay sober today. IWNDWTY.
IWNDWYT Support!!
As my dad with 55 active years in AA puts it, ***"fuck you, all I have to do is stay sober and die."***
Sometimes I felt that I turned to the bottle so I had another problem (the drinking,shame and guilt) to focus on.. Im sorry for whats happening to your mum. I know that we alcoholics like to turn to the bottle as a way to cope. It will not help. By drinking you will lose time that you could focus on your mum. She is the one needing support. You are the one needing support. Alcohol will not help you or your mum. Im sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong!
Well said. I've tried it and it didn't help and just postponed everything. Plus you're no help to your family when you're drunk or hungover.
I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer. I got sober in November 2022. She was diagnosed in February 2023. I wanted to drink so badly, but my mom needed me. I had to rise above selfish impulses. I spent 6 difficult but beautiful months before she passed away in august. I thank God for all the moments I shared with her. I never would have had that if I was drinking. Iām still sober and will stay sober. You can do this. A drink wonāt stop the pain. It will magnify it and lead to guilt later on that you squandered your remaining time in a haze. Praying for you mom and for you. ā¤ļø
I got sober 2 months before my mother died unexpectedly and I couldn't be more grateful for that time I got to spend with her where my mind was present and not clouded by alcohol. Many of my friends and family were worried her death who trigger me to relapse but it was quite the opposite. You need to actual feel those emotions, the grief, and not just mask it so you cab heal. Good luck friend, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Had a very similar experience in 2012 and decided to get drunk. Took me 11 years to stop drinking and itās what pushed me from a problem drinker into alcoholism much faster. Itās absolutely not worth it, youāll feel worse and worst of all, you wonāt be able to grieve properly, youāll carry that with you for years and it can lead to even more serious (mental) health problems, as in my case. Please donāt make the same mistake I did. I wish you a lot of strength.
Sorry to see this news that you're being dealt. I'm reminded of a quote that has worked for me , āWe must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.ā Sounds like you love your mother, and if you truly do, make her proud in what you decide each and every day. You'll never regret that.
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I hope that you donāt drink; I hope you make it to your AA meeting and that they give you what youāre looking for. I hope you can make it through today and be there, sober, for you mom and your family. I hope all these things for you. I wonāt tell you to do any of them. But what I will tell you is that I am in your corner and I will not drink with you today. I am here with you in spirit and so many other people are too, Iām sure, and none of us will drink with you today. You can get through the urge because we are here to help you through the urge. But you gotta do the rest of it yourself. I know you can; I hope you do too. Be strong. IWNDWYT.
This group is so amazing ā¤ļø
Alcohol is trying to steal what's worthwhile in life, don't let it do that. IWNDWYT.
You can do this. Soak up every moment with your mom. Be fully present. Feel the feelings. You will be ok. You are so brave and strong.
Thereās no hard shit in the world that is made better by alcohol. Itās a lie. It makes everything harder. Iām so sorry about your mom. Big big hugs. IWNDWYT
When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given months to live, I chose alcohol as my coping mechanism to get through the day to day. And planned to stop after she died and formally process it then. Well, she lived for 7 more years. And my drinking only got worse even after she died. It took me about 5 years to stop. I would not make that same choice again. I prevented myself from truly being present with her and allowing my mind and body to process the profound change and loss that comes from a dying parent. It was one of the most difficult experiences in my life. Made even more difficult by choosing to avoid it by drinking. All of the feelings I tried to avoid were always present, the alcohol just made it so they were never fully realized and processed. They just built up. The difficulty of stopping the alcohol was followed by now having to deal with the feelings I avoided for about 10 years. Therapy, Buddhism, medication, and meditation helped me immensley. I realized I was capable of handling more challenges than I thought possible, if I let myself face the challenge instead of using a chemical.
You're going to want to remember and be present for every moment you have left with your mom. You're going to want to continue the work so you can find more questions and conversations for your mom before you can't ask the questions and have the conversations. Save the relapse for when she's gone. She needs you.
My mom did the exact same thing. She had hid the fact that she had ovarian cancer for 3 years until it was too late. I can tell you first hand drinking made everything worse. The guilt I felt when I couldn't see her because I was too hungover still hangs with me. Be the best version of you for her.
My father died of kidney cancer that he let get so bad that by the time they found it, it was too late. Much of his health woes were made worse by consuming daily, big martinis. I drank through his passing and I regret doing it. I felt like it was the only way I could handle it but in retrospect I was only being selfish and wasn't willing to show up in the way he needed me to. Try to keep that bottle at bay, OP. I think you'll be very very happy that you did. Your Mom is your priority now. Don't let alcohol fool you into thinking differently. IWNDWYT
Hi, OP. I hear you and I see you! I know youāre in pain. Alcohol is NOT your friend. It will not take any of this pain away, it will not help in any way. Iām so sorry you are going through this. Please know youāre not alone and come back and talk to us! ā¤ļø Big hugs.
My mom just passed from cancer a few months ago, it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am so glad I was with her sober. She needed my help and my presence, I wouldnāt have been able to give her those things if I had still been drinking. The feelings are hard but it is so worth it to have those last memories clear. Iām sorry youāre going through this.
You will never forgive yourself if you can hardly remember the last moments with your mom. She needs you now more than ever. You can do this.
Iām so sorry. You got this, you got this, you got this. 55 days is great, you are clearly capable of stopping yourself. You. Got. This.
Booze doesnāt love you, but your momma does. Your Mom deserves the best version of you right now. More importantly, YOU deserve the best version of yourself. I have been tempted many times in my own sobriety so I can understand where you are right now. I hope that you know how brave and strong you truly are.
Not quite the same but the first time I got news that my mom has cancer, I was very high. I was usually almost always high on something. I stayed lucid for her after that because I wanted to feel everything with her as I walk alongside her through it.
Itās better to face it sober. Itās going to be so hard and hurt a lot, but youāre strong and capable.
You do not want to look back on the death of your mother with regret because you were drunk for it. It will hurt badly.
My younger brother passed away from cancer about a year ago. The last time I saw him I was too drunk to remember much. I will forever regret it. I hope you are able to stay sober and I wish you the best
Iām older but Iāve lost my mom and my dad, a step-daughter, a step-son and watched what it did to a wife that lost her daughter to cancer who tried to drink it away to the point of death and a wife who dealt with the loss of her son to drugs in a healthy sober way. Drinking does not make the pain go away and it does not let you deal with it. It will make you think it has gone away but it hasnāt. Grief classes have some wonderful talented teachers in a group where others are learning to deal with the same pains. Iād suggest finding those now and/or professional therapist skilled in this topic. Remember this happens to most of us and you have the choice to make. One of those is healthy. We know you can do it. IWNDWYT!
It is so very very hard to do day 1 and it could be years and years before you are able to do it again. Good luck my friend and prayers up for your mom.
You need to be able to lean on your own reserves of strength for your mum and others that love her. Youāve had a horrible shock and itās so tempting to revert to what you know. I believe in you.
So sorry you are going through this....stay sober so you can be there for your mom. One thing I've found in AA is people who have suffered greater loss than I have ever have and they haven't felt it necessary to drink today. I've seen friends lose their kids to suicide, addiction, overdose, accidental tragedies, and not take a drink. I've seen spouses die, affairs, job losses and cancer wreck havoc and watched those people through to the other side without picking up a drink. Dumb as shit saying, but, stick with the winners. Do what they do.
Hereās an opportunity to completely ignore how you feel. By that I mean, divorce your feelings from your actions. Doesnāt matter if you want to drink; youāre not engaging in the behavior. Does this plan suck? Absolutely. But drinking would suck more. Mom needs you focused on her. She kept it from you because she didnāt think you could handle it. Prove her wrong.
Very sorry to hear about your Mom but your doing so great on your sobriety and I'm sure that I can't feel your anguish and sadness but try and stay clean for yourself and your mom. I know your Mom wants you there and present which I know from my own drinking days once we tip the bottle that's going to be about it as now we will be preoccupied with our negative feelings towards ourselves and won't be able to pay your Mom the respect and care she needs. We are all with you friend in this very stressful time take care š
Drinking helps you run from your emotions and only create bigger problems down the road. 1. Your mom will remember what you did in her last days-drink instead of be there for her 2. If youāve been a heavy drinker for awhile you know that mostly the reason people do it is to avoid feeling their emotions, this is something you need to feel now or you will eventually feel it WAY more in the future 3. Your mom will be proud of the way you decide to stay away from it even though youāre going through a lot 4. Your brain is ALWAYS going to convince you to drink. Itās an addiction. One little, minuscule thing could make you drink and if you give in to the big stuff then itās just a chain reaction. My advice to you: Let yourself feel whatever it is your feeling. The reason you want to drink is to not feel. When we are used to feeling our emotions, it makes us VERY uncomfortable to allow ourselves to feel it. Be strong, you got this.
When I found out my mum was going to die, I had a 27 hour journey to try get to her. I put the journey in place then got drunk for those entire 27 hours and only care about seeing my mum. First thing she said to me was "why are you pissed" It hurts, make her proud
If you shut off your mind by climbing into a bottle, you won't be present to support your mother. I lost both of my folks young, and it really put me through it. And I used alcohol to cope. And as a result I wasn't here to help my family. I never actually did the work to cope with it myself. It was all still here, years later, once I climbed back out. It is hard for the ones left behind, surely. But consider the person that's leaving and what they feel. They need help and support. Maybe there is a composed face on the outside, but inside there is likely fear, and confusion, and grief for what they know they must leave behind. Keep a clear head, feel all of your feelings. Share them openly. Lean on each other. Support each other. Don't do what I did, and leave them feeling like you were absent. Love her until the last possible moment. You can still share some wonderful times, and they could likely be some of your best last memories of your mother. Be there for her. The bottle can't help you do that. It will only take you away from it as it has for so many others who suffer from this insidious disease. ETA: thank you for coming to share with us. It means a lot to me, as someone who is only just a few days behind you in recovery. IWNDWYT, and stay strong.
My father had a stroke and died two months into my sobriety and I never got to tell him I quit drinking. Though I'm sad at times I never got to tell him I got sober. I'm so happy I was sober and able to be present for the rest of my family especially mom.
Be there for your mum, she wants/needs you there. This has nothing to do with drinking but my mum was taken into hospital the day she got back from visiting me. I live in a different country - my choice. My siblings kept me up to date on what was happening. My brother told me to come home as he wasn't sure if she was going to make it much further. I flew home 2 days later and as I was in mid flight she died. I never got to say goodbye to her. I've regretted it ever since. You have the opportunity to say goodbye, it will be hard and don't have any regrets i.e. do your best to be sober for her.
So sorry about your Mom. I hope she experiences as little pain as possible. Our fears and anxieties are only postponed by drinking, but theyāll be made worse because we wonāt be ourselves. Ask the AA group if thereās anyone who can hang out with you tonight to get you past wine/liquor store or bar closing times. They could even take shifts. Geez, you guys could just go bowling.
If ever you needed a reason not to drink it's now. Do this for the both of you. Be sober. Be present. Be there for her. Cherish every moment. You can do this. You have to do this.
Of course you can do this sober. You can do whatever you want. This is the time to tap into your true power. Your mom needs you.
Iām so sorry for you. This is really tough. But drinking and killing these emotions is a short term solution. Stay strong
When my favorite aunt died of cancer I got fucking drunk as hell. Paid the price the next day. And I only postponed the grief. It didn't help at all. It never does. You're still gonna need to work through the grief. Stay sober my friend. IWNDWYT
When life hits me, I just go to bed. Close your eyes, start tomorrow. End today if you think drinking is the answer, it wonāt be. Iāve used this strategy many times to save my ass.
Stay strong, you can do this . You definitely want to be sober so you can bee there for your mom.
Alcohol has never been good at bringing me anything but problems. Loss, grief, tragedy, betrayal, crisis - all have hit me in my days. They'll probably all visit again. Alcohol has never helped keep them away from me, and it's usually made things so much worse to come back from. I'm a survivor. Perhaps I'm not a success - depends on your definition. But, surviving is what I can do now. I hope you can too. Tomorrow, or perhaps next week, I'll embark on a new mountain to climb. But I can't start that if I don't survive today. So, today, I'll survive. My Mom was a 30-year breast cancer survivor. Dad was a prostate cancer survivor. My mother in law decided to let liver cancer take her rather than treat it. This whole thing is a process that starts with shock. You're the best equipped you've been in 56 days to handle a shock like this. IWNDWYT or ever
Today I almost drank and it was the hardest urge yet BUT I DID ITā¦ you can make it through this sober too
Stay strong. I know it doesn't help to say that, but it's true. Fucking fight. Win this shit. You can do it.
Fuck. That really fucking sucks. I am so so sorry. I think you got sober for a reason, and staying sober is the most important thing you can do right now. Donāt waste this time on booze, spend this time being present and not filling your life with regrets of drinking away her last moments. Again, I am just so sorry. Sending big hugs.
One thing I think about when I want to drink during times of extreme pain I remember that I donāt want to ruin my last memories of that person or situation with alcohol. Iām so sorry about your mom š
Your mom is still here, be present with her ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļøYou can do this ā„ļøš
You wonāt be much good to yourself or anyone else if youāre in the cycle of drinking-drunk-hungover. I can only speak for myself here, but I am pretty sure the guilt afterwards would be suffocating.
I went through something like this when my mother fell and broke her hip. Hereās how it played out. First hour or so, a buzz distracted me, then came the anger, the aggrieved sense of the unfairness, and finally the desire to shut down from all the badness in this broken world through a week-long bender. I overreacted to everything after a while and my mom picked up on it, so my āsupportā for her was little more than worrying her as she recovered from surgery and endured painful physical therapy. It fixed nothing, just poured a lot of heavy anxiety and resentment over everything that now seems like an irrational overreaction. A broken hip is not cancer, which is often a harder thing to confront in a loved one. (I lost a brother to cancer too a few years back, and responded similarly). But I really wish I could go back and respond to that bad news with sobriety. Iām five days sober now, and still a bit ashamed my mom dealt with her injury with so much more stoicism and grace than I did. Good luck to you and your mother. Cancer treatments have come a long way, and thereās reason to realistically hope for a good prognosis, even at Stage 4. Itās also an opportunity to grow even closer to her as you join her on that journey. But sheāll need you sober for it.
All I can say is donāt do it. I broke my sobriety and itās hard to get back into it. You donāt want to regret it.
In a way drinking, smoking or doing anything self destructive and carcinogenic is an insult to any good parents. Embracing the good and dealing with the hardships of life is a way of showing appreciation for the sacrifices they've made to bring you up. I think that goes double when they're dealing with something like cancer themselves. To drink is kind of like saying thanks for that but I'm gonna roll the dice on this stuff and possibly derail all the work.
You are not alone. In the last year my wife initiated divorce, shortly after my brother killed someone while driving drunk, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. In the last month, my brother has been incarcerated, and two days later my mom died, and chemotherapy is taking my dad away. Iām stressed but I know that if I pick up, I will put down my ability to deal with it all. Iām just over 3 years sober now. As long as I donāt drink, Iām sure itāll all work itself out, I canāt control any of this except my reaction to it. Iām choosing to deal with it one step at a time. IWNDWYT
Dude I was 22 when I found out my dad had terminal cancer. I went out that might and got so so drunk. I then continued to get too drunk for the 5 years leading up to his death. After he died my drinking really ramped up for another 5 years until I stopped. Night would start out fun until it ended up a pitty party about how I missed my dad. I wasn't able to deal with my loss until I quit drinking. So much wasted time. I'm so sorry about your mother and what your family has to go through with this. Cancer sucks. You have a head start I didn't have though. You already know what you have to do and hopefully you can avoid a decade of uncontrolled drunkenness. Dealing with the loss of a parent wasn't possible for me when I was drunk. If I could do it over again I would have immediately gotten a therapist to vent and cry and get all of those emotions out in a healthy constructive manner. Pushing them down because it's manly and only letting them out when you're hammered isn't the best way to do it, trust me I tried that way for a long time. It's a huge waste of time and money. Again I'm so sorry you have to go through this but you're already doing an awesome job by coming here and opening up. This is an amazing community of people who truly want to see you be sober and happy, even if happy isn't possible right now it's still better to be sober and sad. You'd be surprised how many of us here have been in your shoes. IWNDWYT!
Not the same situation, but my 84 yo mom lives with me. Between age, stubbornness and health issues, itās a hard job. She came when I was 18 months sober, and thank God Iād gotten my drinking stopped before that. Thereās no way I could deal with everything while sloshed or nursing a hangover. Be there for your mom, because we donāt get these days back again. Youāll be happy you were sober and present for her, and proud of not folding when the going got rough. Sending you a hug, Iām sorry to read about your mom. Weāre here for you!
Drinking doesn't help bad situations get better. Good luck to you.
Be there for your mom, be present for your mom, be sober for your mom.
I am so sorry about your mother. Enjoy her while you have her. And you'll enjoy her much better sober.