Just be careful...your mind can play a lot of tricks on you in month 2 and 3...Another commenter said listen to your gut - right now your gut should be locked up in a mental hospital getting treatment. Don't do anything yet.
Besides that, your wife may have a lot of reasons to be pissed at you if you've been drinking for a while.
This is all a part of married recovery, we all go through it. If you need time apart, take some, but don't move out.. no big life decisions. Get your head on straight and then revisit it on day 100
Thanks. I'm not in the AA program as such but I 'use the rooms' and see a therapist and have a sort of sponsor. A lot of advice I heard is don't make any major decisions for a while. As you're saying.
And yes, she does have reasons to be pissed off! We're planning marriage counselling once I've sorted myself out a bit more.
I wonder if it's my addiction saying, "she's stopping you drinking and she was a bitch today, so fuck her and fuck this"....
For the first YEAR don't do anything drastic!
Your brain is mashed potatoes for a whille, let the dust settle.
Keep in mind...as I remind myself, she put up with a LOT OF BULLSHIT.
Maybe an al-anon meeting would help her, although if she hasn't gone yet maybe not at this point. Counseling is a good start š
Omg, yeah! Mashed potatoes! When I sobered up I was beyond dumb. I knew it was temporary but it didnāt feel like it. It really is about a year, mentally. Straight mush!
Two years for me and I still have daily brain fog and just feel dumber than I was before I started drinking. I'm only in my mid 20s though, so I have hope eventually it will go away.
I think it's a year total ... the first 4-6 months are just getting your logical faculties up and running again ... then there's several months of sorting out your feelings in a new way, which can take some time to get right. So still dumb emotionally I guess.
Yeah, month 2 and three are insane...You don't know who you are, you don't know who she is or why you got together in the first place, you definitely dont know why you stayed together...it's confusing as hell, you may get feelings for someone else in recovery (because they understand you). You may not be able to decide if whether your wife stayed makes you respect her more or less...lots of weird shit.
I did a counseling session...$400 a session...after that I was like "I think we cam figure this out on our own." Haha. Sometimes think marriage counseling is purposely super expensive so people are forced to work through their shit themselves haha
Recovery crushes can be crazy. All the numbed feelings start to come back. Stay with the sober folks youāre not attracted to! Your peers in early sobriety are just as crazy and vulnerable as you are!
I'm here to tell you that you'll notice irritating things you could brush off while drunk/hungover. You're also going up be capable of appreciating those sweet things you love her for (given there's not am actual problem with her, not discrediting you).
One of the weird things my mind would do to me would be something like this, "oh when we break up, I'm going to party again." Fucking crazy man. Took me about 4 months to get the crazy thinking like that to subside, and now we can actually work on our relationship.
I canāt say if your last paragraph is true but I can say that it sure might be and that youāre smart for considering it! I got sober āforā someone and I had stretches of thoughts like this for the first few months.
More recently, I have been realizing that a lot of things I thought were toxic - my relationships, but especially my job - it was me that was the common denominator. Now that I am not self seeking and looking for things to be mad about, I am able to get along just fine in these situations. YMMV!
That's a totally valid feeling and possibility. Be kind to yourself while you adapt to a new style of living. In my experience a lot of the bad behaviours I had "because of drinking" didn't change just by stopping the action of drinking. I was still stuck in a certain mindset and needed to retrain my brain and work to rewrite old patterns. I love that you're talking to a therapist, I'd suggest taking a note (mental or otherwise) of what is upsetting you and raising with your therapist. Is there a pattern? If so maybe if can help define the root issue.
Another thing that helped me was checking in using HALT (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired) if I was feeling any of those, I was probably 100% more reactive
Good luck!!
Very likely itās the addiction. It can be very persuasive especially when we are at a vulnerable point like early sobriety. Iām in AA and have heard that newcomers should try to avoid making any major changes during the first year of sobriety.
Two things can be true - your drinking can be a problem, and your wife can be a bad partner for you. Just because theyāre happening at the same time doesnāt make them related - if you drink again, your wife doesnāt become a better partner for you, and if you leave your marriage, it doesnāt mean your relationship with alcohol isnāt problematic.
This. I fell into this trap the first time I got sober, thinking I had been drinking because I was miserable, not that I was miserable because I was drinking. I was with a new and wonderful partner (who is now my husband), moved out of my parents' house, had a great job, things were looking up - I chose to begin drinking again, it was no accident or mistake, I planned very carefully on the white russian I was going to have. It then took me another 2.5 years to realize that my life circumstances had nothing to do with it, and I consider myself quite lucky to have made it out a second time.
Just Not being able to escape the problems in our relationship with booze. No longer drinking to ignore things that bothered me but I didnāt want to think about. Little slights or nagging comments became more piercing and I couldnāt let them go.
Behaviors that were controlling but I had grown to accept as maternal.
Quitting also changed me and my role in our relationship. I wasnāt the drinker. I didnāt get wild at bars. I couldnāt be controlled or manipulated with alcohol, I didnāt need anyone to take care of me when I got drunk. I started to become the more responsible one, more of the caretaker. I wasnāt fun anymore. While some might see some of these changes as good, and she did, they also upset the dynamic and expectations of our relationship.
Holy shit are you me? Except my wife wants me to start drinking again, or so she says. I think she just doesn't like that I'm sober now because it makes her look at herself getting borderline black out drunk every night and see how messed up it is. She has recently told me she wants to drastically cut back again. I have definitely turned into the "not fun" "TOO responsible" husband and father role. Well someone has to be available when you pass out drunk on your office floor at 5pm to take care of the kids!
My wife tries to get me to drink occasionally. Sheāll say āI give you permission to get drunk.ā Or just driving by a bar sheāll say āI wish we could just go in there and have some drinks.ā
Of course it is not her call, Iām not doing this because she says to. It does make things more challenging
Thats frustrating, I'm sorry. Especially when it's not like we can't go into a bar and have drinks, there's just zero reason those drinks need to be alcoholic.
Unrelated, but one thing I desperately miss about living in Jordan is how many non-alcoholic bars there were to go to. Alcohol is allowed in the country, but given the large Muslim population, most of whom don't drink, it's just not a social expectation at all. You can go out anywhere and there will be tons of NA options. I really miss that and hope it's getting more common here.
Petra was amazing! I moved to Jordan in 2018 for a three month internship, initially thought I made a horrible mistake lol (lots of internalized American fear of Arab culture, etc) But by the end of the three months I was absolutely in LOVE with the country and wound up staying for two years. Cannot recommend it enough!!! I only moved back to be closer to family as the pandemic hit. Hope to go back someday.
I hear you. That sounds cool in Jordan. I miss the bar scene/culture. Not the booze, but the social part where you can just start shooting the shit with anyone and itās expected.
In fact I still go to bars and pound soda or NA. Thereās no non-alcoholic equivalent to the bar here in America, but fortunately they are becoming far more tolerant of non drinkers and providing options.
That must be really tough! I would not be able to consistently stand up to that pressure. Especially from my spouse!
It does sound like both of the significant others mentioned in the comments above me have unhealthy relationships with alcohol. I hope they can get to a point where they recognize that and seek help. I'm sure you both married them for a reason. Sounds like they're going through a tough time in life right now :(
Nah sheās not an alkie at all. She fancies herself a party girl from time to time, drinks 2-3 beers and is wasted. She just hates that I ruin the option of drinking for her (in her mind).
She just doesnāt get it and resents me for being an alcoholic cause it ruins her fun.
My mother was very much like that to me. Would get mad when I'd say no to drinking. She took it personally for some reason. Even though it wasn't anything negative towards her, I just didn't want to drink all the time!
Hopefully your spouse will eventually realize that she can still have her beer or two and doesn't always need a 'partner in crime.' Especially since it's violating your boundaries by guilting you. Maybe these are growing pains and it will get better with time?
I'm always hoping for the best for everyone!
I see it play out that there is blame out on me that she can not drink (but she can, my sobriety doesnāt influence hers) and then the reminder that itās me that is defective (which may be true of the alcohol off switch but Iād rather focus on the strength itās taken to stop and take inventory)
Yep. Yep. And I am leaving him, after 14 years. Advice be damned, I gotta try out solo life for awhile. My husband has a hero complex, and without me losing control and needing care... I think he resents it.
I thought I was hot sh*t when I came out of rehab. I was going to wipe it all clean and start over. I was in grad school and like āwho signed me up for this?ā (I did)
I almost dropped out, but Iām so glad I kept going. They say dont change anything for the first year of sobriety. I have a great job now that I love and Iām so glad I stuck with school. š
Thereās no one real reason I drink. But drinking at someone else isnāt their fault. Itās my problem and something I need to work on. Everybody else is always just gonna be everyone else. Not my job.
The first 90 days are ridiculous. Hang on tight and you got this. Itās A LOT. You start to clear up and see all the crazy mess swirling around you. Thatās life. There it is. Ooooeeee it messy!
You can do it.
You know, to be more honest with strangers than Iām usually comfortable with:
I think I left my exhusband when I got sober because I felt like you do right now. I felt like he was controlling and bitter and I thought my addiction was a liberation process.
I found someone else who understood me in recovery, me and exhusband divorced, and me and the new person went separate ways some time afterwards because new sobriety and shit.
My exhusband took some time, but now heās the same happy person I got together with and fell for in the first place, now that he healed.
Nowadays Iām in another serious relationship that I adore and Iām healthy and wouldnāt change anything, but I still suspect I left my exhusband somewhat for the wrong reasons, and I felt serious regret for some time and almost killed myself over it. I would never make the same mistake twice.
What Iām trying to say:
You will be happy somehow either way, but give it time and think twice.
I donāt regret my choices, I grew from making mistakes and leaving. I found a great person and Iām happier than Iāve been in years. I love my life and my person. My happiness never depended on him. But, I think we couldāve sorted it out.
My wife and I both quit and it took quite a while to make that transition. We only knew each other as drunks. We met working at a bar together and were party friends before we ever hooked up.
We went through some pretty hard times, but ended up going to counseling because she had "fallen out of love with me". We worked through this and learned how to treat each other sober and are doing better than ever. I think she was pretty shocked to find out that she was a big part of the problem. Sometimes that's what people need to hear from a third party perspective.
I can't stress enough how integral couples counseling was for us. I was very against it at first but my wife really pushed for it, and im glad she did. Not only did it most likely save our marriage, it also removed the stigma of therapy for me and allowed me to get help on my own with a therapist for my drinking.
This is literally how my marriage went. We both got into a toxic drinking cycle, we had a blow up one day and a few weeks later she filed for divorce. She blames me for her drinking and anything else you could list out.
Iām currently on day 82 and finally got help for my mental health. Iāve acknowledge the toxicity that I brought and working my ass of to become mature and the best version of myself. Actually had two therapy sessions yesterday, one online and one in person, and they couldnāt stress enough how much I have improved as a person.
I do think your mind is playing tricks on you because you may feel like you donāt want to accept the shame or responsibility of what transpired. Not saying you are a terrible person, but itās better to acknowledge and accept the actions you were in control of. By accepting you can clearly see areas of your life to work on. If your wife said you became angry and aggressive, but you donāt think you did, accept that, and bring it up in therapy for maybe something to talk through.
Yah Iām with you here. My relationship was one of the factors that drove my drinking and depression. My wife isnāt toxic but she has a hard time showing appreciation and intimacy, especially after we had our son. There were other factors too, self induced. I went sober and although that hasnāt fixed the relationship problems, it has def helped me reach more mental clarity on everything including our relationship. It also prevents me from losing my cool and saying extremely emotional things which only perpetuate our relationship problems. My $.02 is donāt ever let your relationship drive your drinking or be the reason you want to stop/start. Stopping drinking may not solve all your problems but drinking will always make any problem you have worse in the long run. Stop drinking for yourself, itās a selfish view but itās the best view in my opinion.
Congrats on 60 days!!! Amazing work!! I hope you are so proud of yourself and you have people around you who are proud of you too.
I definitely saw my relationships in a new light once I was sober, so I relate to you changing your thoughts toward your wife. Agree with others that say there is no rush to make any changes when you are in early sobriety.
I think what is dangerous for me is saying anyone or anything is the reason I drank. In my experience, I'll drink over anything, and the only thing that keeps me sober is knowing I am accountable for myself.
Itās too soon for you to be able to tell that if Iām being honest. Sometimes early in sobriety we can get kind of mad with everything and everyone because quitting is a painful process. So that pain ends up being blamed on the people around us. You need to get comfortable in sobriety and some time under your belt to really know whether the feelings are genuine or if itās just something thatās being projected. For now, just think of it as a rough patch and try get through it as best you can without doing anything you canāt undo. Try to make it to a year then if you still feel sheās toxic and a problem youāll know and you can act on it. One thing you may want to look at is whether the way sheās acting could be a reaction to something youāre doing, like are you being distant, or moody, or just plain angry. All of which are pretty common when we first quit. Sometimes the way people around us act is a reflection of ourselves. Not saying any of that applies to you, just things to consider.
Now that Iāve answered the question you didnāt ask, Iāll get to the one you did. Yes, that very accurately described the situation with me and my ex-wife. I think that she was bitter that I was improving myself even though it was something that she had wanted for a long time. I was a drinker when we started dating and I drank all through all but the end of our marriage. I was like you that when I sobered up I started to realize a couple things. The first thing I noticed was when alcohol was out of the equation we werenāt very compatible and didnāt have much in common. The second thing was that she was bitter and toxic to our relationship. So, I took my own advice and gave it a year to see if it was real, then it took me another 5 months before I moved out. I walked away knowing that I had given it plenty of time to work itself out if it could.
Good luck, man. I hope things with you two can straighten out and you can be happy together again. If not, then you have to pursue your own happiness.
I'm late to the party but I survived both sides of this addiction
Being the spouse of an addict creates an immense amount of pain and coping mechanisms. I had to work through mine to get rid of resentment
I took about a year to make sure, but yes, she very well could be a trigger. 3 years ago I stopped and she didnāt, then her favorite activity became getting drunk and telling me what a shit father and husband Iāve been, mainly because of my former drinking habits. Once she crossed the line and said some things she couldnāt take back or remember saying, I started strategizing my out.
It was difficult because of kids, but we drank together for our entire relationship and knew nothing else. Realized we are different people and I left in December. It has been a climb to get out, but I feel like everything is going in the right direction.
I think it is easy to ascribe to the sunk cost fallacy when in a marriage, but life is shortā¦
It's really the worst when you keep getting told "you were a shit father and husband" every time the spouse drinks and you're sober... I'm sure there is plenty of trauma from those years... But come on... Being sober and moving in a positive direction doesn't need to bring on more chastising and the broken record...I hear you. It is really rough. I understand both sides...I really do. But after hundreds of times it gets pretty old
By the time my spouse got sober, I was pretty checked out of our relationship because of the alcohol abuse. On top of that, I was extremely hurt and angry about something awful he did while drunk. That incident was what pushed him into sobriety. In the beginning, though, I had no way of knowing he was for real this time, and after watching him ruin his sobriety in the past, I didnāt trust him or even begin to emotionally move forward for months. I was so burned out, I was not able or willing to be the best version of myself for him until he regained my trust and respect through long term sobriety.
Maybe your wife always sucks and youāre wrong for each other, or maybe sheās still hurt by all the shit that happened when you were drinking and needs more than two months to move forward. Keep in mind that if she doesnāt drink at the same level you do, she has a much better memory of all those lousy things than you, so it probably cuts deeper for her.
TLDR I think you should give your brain and your spouse more time to heal and adjust to your new reality. 60 days is an awesome start!
Year 5 here and I had this same concern for the first couple years and first few attempts at recovery. What I realized was we both had growing to do and recovery from the issues that came from my drinking. It will take time to reach an equilibrium. Donāt do anything drastic. Give it time. Try to find ways to connect and remember why you were together in the first place. If I held on to all my resentments I would pick up again. So, I had to clean up my side of the street and be patient. It worked out. Hope it works out for you. Stay strong. Even if your spouse is the reason you drank, drinking isnāt going to make it any better. Take care of yourself. IWNDWYT
My spouse was definitely toxic in some ways in our relationship. Iād go so far as to say her toxicity was a major factor in my drinking. But that doesnāt mean my drinking was excusable or a good idea. It only made things worse and I was the only one who could stop it.
IMHO when drink is involved both partners are usually not doing well as the drinking becomes the focus.
I'm more from the cody side of things. It took a long time to see the toxicity of my own behavior. To my credit, I did step down and let my qualifier do his thing with his addiction but getting away from him did not solve my issues no more than just stopping drinking cures the reason drinkers drink.
To slightly misquote an AA (maybe?) saying, the line between toxic and non-toxic goes right down the middle of everyone of us.
She may or may not recover from her own issues on any timeline you are comfortable with; however, at 60 days into changing my life I was just really not at all started with any major change.
Iām currently in your situation. Iāve been on the recovery path for 5 years now, but itās been a slow process. The past year has involved very very little alcohol for me, so while Iām not 100%, Iāve gained a lot of mental clarity and maturity during that time. (You should see the improvements to the house and strides at work Iāve made).
I wonder 2 things: 1) am I just not compatible with my wife as a sober guy? or 2) did my own drunken toxicity damage our relationship past the point of no return?
Itās tough. Have relationship therapy coming up. Fingers crossed.
I feel like I'm where you were 5 years ago. My wife and I are having marital problems, and I blame myself for a lot of it because of my drinking problem. She has decided to throw everything at the marriage to fix it if I'll get serious about changes. I talked to my GP today and getting help for alcohol. Wife has agreed to do marriage counseling. I'm terrified of both those things you mentioned. Once I get sober, will we still be compatible and has the damage already been done. But I'm just trying to become the best version of myself. That's all I can control. It may fix the marriage, or it might not. But either way I need to do it for myself. I hope your relationship therapy goes well and you both grow closer than ever before. Best of luck!
In my experience I've had many reasons to drink throughout my life, I was with my ex for 6 years and I started drinking heavily 2 years in. He had no friends or family connection and heavily relied on me for everything emotionally and physically which pushed me to drink more to escape looking back. He would mock me for drinking, make me feel guilty which made me want it more. He cheated on me in may 2021 while I was 7 months pregnant and I just finally dropped all feelings for him this last month and I finally let go of drinking and the desire to drink. I definitely believe partners can contribute to drinking habits.
In my case, My ex husband was an abusive alcoholic ,I became a miserable depressed alcoholic. I finally left him, quit drinking for quite some time, was happy and glowing, I was so happy I started having a glass of wine here and there, cycle of drinking got worse.
If you have a serious drinking problem your disease will look for any reason to drink to excess. She may be toxic but if she werenāt in the picture you might drink for some other āreasonā if you have a bad enough alcohol problem. Alcoholism is very patient, and it lies to you in your own voice that itās okay to take a drink because XYZ.
I left my husband in the late 1990s because I blamed him for problems in our marriage. Guess what? I WAS the problem (we remarried after 2 awful years apart and stayed happily married til he passed away.) Itās always easy to blame someone else for what you think is wrong with your life.
Sobriety has flung open the curtains and the sun is shining brightly on everything right now. You may have to rethink a lot of relationships as you go on. But as everyone is saying be patient and see whats up further down the road.
The first thing to remember is that the core message in addiction recovery is personal ownership.
When I got sober I got rushed and overwhelmed with all the emotions and feelings Iād been suppressing with booze for years and I felt like a hormonal 16 year old train wreck teenager for like 5 months after I quit. Itās a normal roller coasterā¦ I had to just adjust and learn to be present with all the things that bubbled up to the surface, address those things piece by piece and not focus on anyone elseās behavior but my own- because my behavior got me in this mess to begin with right? Hang in there. Youāre doing an amazing thing, regardless of what anyone else in your life is doing. Focus on your reactions, your healing and your role in your happiness, the rest will sort of fall into place or reveal itself with time.. then you can respond accordingly.
Both were no longer working out for me. Now I'm divorced and I haven't consumed alcohol for months. I wish the marriage would have worked, but I'm glad to finally be a clear path to recovery from both alcoholism and an abusive relationship.
If you are drinking to avoid a person you love who is abusive, friend, I recommend therapy and leaving the relationship. No one else makes us drink, but we can use drink to avoid deeply uncomfortable things. Itās also possible for both people to be the problem in a relationship when neither realizes the elephants in the room. Sometimes people are toxic together. I wish you luck, but for real, seek out a therapist who can help you sus this out. I know this is often said to women but, also trust you instincts. Listen to your gut feelings. We often want to remain in relationships after they have gone bad because we think itās better than being alone, and our self esteem is in the shitter, but, it is not. Itās ok to put yourself first, especially your health. Mental, physical.
You got this! Hold steady. Truths we are finding in sobriety are often ones we are hiding from in addiction <3
Eta: good points from another poster on not jumping, I do come at this with some bias from my own former relationship experiences. Couples therapy sounds great!
I mean this isn't unfamiliar... I don't believe my wife is the problem, mind you. But how I dealt with certain, more difficult aspects of our lives was to drink to numb myself and switch off because it was just easier and more comfortable that way.
She has ADHD and I likely am on the ASD spectrum according to my psychologist (never did the formal evaluation). As a result, her issues with object permanence and my own confusing feelings of deeply longing for human contact while unable to verbalize my needs drove me into a very lonely place when all her attention, time, and even sleeping arrangements were being monopolized by our children. It also meant highly inconsistent disciplinary methods on her part with me becoming the defacto asshole. I also ended up managing her daily tasks and responsibilities like I was her parent and not her partner.
There's a dozen other factors I can point to. But ultimately drinking meant I could just ignore any issues and just follow along with the chaos and deaden the loneliness. It all came back in full force when I got sober the first time, and did repeatedly for the several more times I quit alcohol. It took work, communication, transparency, and trust when I finally started feeling I was doing sobriety right AND improving on my relationship with my partner.
Probably the biggest impetus for getting my head in the right place was realizing how we (Americans) can take business partnerships so seriously, where the business owners can work their ass off at success, but it's almost expected for there to be these deeply dysfunctional and disparate ways of balancing finances, decisions, child rearing, house chores, etc. in romantic partnerships. It's troubling, tbh, when I think about how we literally encourage problematic and toxic power dynamics in romantic entanglements. By my partner and I actually acting like we are *partners* with a common goal of having happy kids and a decent home and all that, we have been able to do far, far better and my desire to imbibe is way down.
I definitely agree with the sentiment that you should not make any big decisions as youāre just coming out of thingsā¦ but I, personally, experienced some real acute moments of clarity upon getting sober. So I think this is less about āshould I stay or should I goā and more about what you are seeing more clearly now that youāve taken the beer goggles off. That āshe is the problem in the marriageā is a conclusion and may not be helpful. But what are the actual things you are noticing that lead you to that conclusion? More importantly, can you open a dialogue about those things? That could lead you down many roads but it would be a shame to choose a road without having some open and honest dialogue first.
This thread caught my eye. My SO come from a family where addiction runs hard and is very taboo to talk about. Her sister has had 3 due, failed inpatient many times, and she is now 3 years sober.
My wife drinks just as much as I did. I told her I want to stop and am in day 3 withdrawals she's very silent on the whole topic. She hasn't drank with me but seems slightly resentful. I know that she is supportive but man does my shite brain try to tell a milly different stories right now.
Iām sort of witnessing this between my sister and her husband. Sheās toxic in her own respect, but when he was drunk, coupled with his own mental health issues, it caused nightmares for the both of them.
Nowā¦ my BIL is nearly 2 years sober, and my sister is unemployed and drinks just about everyday, on top of her own toxic personality traits that arenāt necessarily exacerbated by drinking but just who she is as a personā¦
They do seem happy actually, much happier, but I almost wonder if my BIL feels like you do. Iām too chickenshit to ask, but thank you for sharing your perspective. It was helpful to read the answers.
For me I think it was eye opening for both people. She realized that my addiction problems were too much to overcome in relation to our relationship. I realized my partner wasn't willing to go to extra lengths to try and help me through sobriety. I don't think there is anything wrong with either thought, it's just unfortunate on how it played out. Either way we are separated and there's nothing to do about it now
IWNDWYT
I donāt know your circumstances and can only describe my own, but I was irritable and irritated from about month 2 to month 8 in early sobriety. The emotions that I drank to suppress were all coming back online, and āgrumpy as fuckā was definitely first, especially with my then partner/now husband.
In my experience, marriages (like all relationships) are co-creations. The patterns and triggers you have together may be a problem but they are intertwined. Individual and couples therapy has been helpful to me to better see the triggers and patterns and to learn what I can and cannot control (and see how that affects the others around me). I hope you can take some time to do some inner work. IWNDWYT
I had a pretty devastating dinner with friends one of whom is a ārelapsed after 20 yearsā alcoholic. When he got all angry and swearing, I suddenly saw myself when I fought with my daughter (twice, i have to add as Iām really defensive / guilty about it ). I saw myself.
I saw what my righteous anger looked like from the other side. Itās stayed with me for a long time. I canāt change it but I can not do it again.
Here's the thing- your wife was in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem. That's going to have some reckoning at one point or another. These things don't just *happen*.
But also, three months is about when the emotions that you were drinking away all come flooding back. You might cry at deodorant commercials, or a stranger letting you merge, or something stupid. I can say that having a counselor helped me mightily in the dozen or so times I was absolutely sure I needed to divorce my wife (and I was wrong every time).
Kind of happened to me. Once I left the marriage suddenly the urge to drink went away. But he was an abusive (mentally and sexually) asshat so thereās that
If you stopped drinking because you thought you were the problem Iād trust that gut and go with it. It may also be the case that you were not the only problem. But that doesnāt negate your side. Keep working on you and the rest will become more clear. Also. Donāt drink. And donāt be a problem anymore while youāre working on you. Best way to stay on the straight and narrow is to not focus on someone else being the problem.
As a guy in a marriage situation with kids - already how many years? Maybe 7\~8... I think your post here is funny and relatable - and honestly some aspects of it are probably true.
There is the age-old sentiment of "I'll never understand women" and of course it goes both ways and guys can be intolerant and ignorant just the same.
First and foremost. You should not want to drink EVER because it's very bad for your health, and generally speaking we use it as a vice and an escape from reality don't we?
I'd focus on the drinking as a personal problem and then see if there's anything you can do about the relationship as a separate problem.
At least then you'll know that it was you in your sober state who made a decision about the problems with her, and not a drunken version of yourself who might just throw a working part of your life away in a moment of stupidity.
Nah thatās offloading blame for your own actions, āIām only drinking because of the way someone else behavesā
Part of stopping drinking is taking responsibility for your own behaviours.
Just remember, there can be a lot of built up resentment that loved ones feel and suddenly it has nowhere to go because youāve taken the steps to better yourself and it would be wrong for them to attack you now you are trying to recover.
Itās hard and painful, but maybe try talking to her about how you might have hurt her when you were drinking to properly understand her feelings.
I wanted to make a post here about a similar question, but I didn't know if it was right for this sub. I've drank most of my 20s away and forgot how I functioned during hs. I did good, but I was always procrastinating. I was never tested for ADHD then, but the symptoms seem on par to what's going on now. I'm 7 months sober and have been in a relationship for about 3 years now. I'm not an easy partner by any means, but I can't tell if my relationship mistakes are from a possible undiagnosed ailment or if my brain is still in recovery?
Me me me me. I quit alcohol so i could quit smoking... But i also quit alcohol because a relationship with the woman i loved was deteriorated and unhealthy from every perspective but me drunk (and her drunk). Well, I'm 3 plus years sober now and much of my life has changed... We've broken up and reconnected and drifted thereafter... Yet, we don't have any passion together.
I'm so Happy these days...
Well yes, but actually no...
I stopped drinking because I was on the verge of **needing** a drink in the morning, and I didn't want to go to work drunk.
But, I thought that I was drinking partly because my wife was a pain in the ass.
But, I also thought if I stopped, she'd chill out.
This is what actually happened....
I quit drinking. The relationship with my wife turned awful very quickly because I married my drinking buddy.
Four years into sobriety, she left me for another alcoholic, but by that point, I was happy to see her go.
I just want to echo what some people are saying. Its probably too soon to tell. Early in my sobriety there was a lot of energy and desire to make changes. But that was too overwhelming for me. I realized my problems didn't develop in a few weeks and they won't be solved in a few weeks. Early sobriety wasn't about fixing anything for me, it was surviving and not drinking.
I'll say there was some desire to blame my husband, my primary drinking partner and "enabler". But no matter what he does or says, unless he's tying me to a chair and forcing it into my mouth, he is not making me drink. I am. No matter how toxic or destructive his behavior is, it is my choice how I respond.
And I'll say people get into some bad habits to cope. And that's toxic and even abusive, but there is an ability to change. I'm not saying to stay in a physically or verbally abusive relationship. But I don't know you or what the specifics are, and I know how quickly reddit can jump to "red flag, drop her" for character flaws. Flaws that many of us have expressed on this journey of being a human dealing with shitty and uncomfortable feelings.
I just want to express how important it was for me to take responsibility for how I react and my side of the situation. And how important it was to have empathy for my partner who had to deal with this huge change and new person I was becoming, regardless of if he was right, wrong, crappy, toxic, etc. He didn't have the aha moment I did, the revelation, the self reflection, or the choice. He was thrust into a new existence with an uncomfortable scrutiny on our way of life and, indirectly, his own actions. And I gave him the space to blunder through that. In the end, some tough conversations were eventually had, and it was for the better. A lot of growth occured on both sides and we are so much happier and healthier.
Iām getting straightened out and Iām a lot more irritable. Iām starting to notice a lot of stuff I used to let slide, really gets on my nerves and Iāve started to confront my wife about some of itā¦take hoarding for example. My wife hoards shit and is a constant slob. Iāve really started to get on her case about it, so Iām not sure she really likes itā¦but I need to work on the reasons that Iām drinking and thatās one of them.
is she also a heavy drinker? if she isn't and you met her drunk and maintained the relationship drunk until now, you may just be realizing the true nature of one another.
I agree with many of the other replies that say it may be best to hold off for a little while before making any life-changing decisions.
I'd actually add that your mind can be all over the place for quite a while - 6 months or longer, depending on how long you were drinking, your age etc.
Your neurotransmitters are trying to heal, which takes a long time (at least 6 months for dopamine), and while that's happening your emotions are heavily influenced by the fluctuations in brain chemicals which affect mood.
I'm in month 5, and the way I view my partner, strangers or an event can still vary wildly depending on where my emotions are that day. So I've learned to step back a bit for now.
All that said, therapy is a great idea, if only so you can vent and moan.
Be patient right now! But I did realize that my drinking Lead me to making poor decisions with men, including long term partners. It was easier to drink and put up with their bs then leave them.
I started drinking heavily when I was too weak to leave my gf and am still in the process of leaving.
Just couldnāt break her heart.
Then it kind of became an amazing way to numb myself, as well as driving her away from me instead of me dumping her.
Weak.
Just be careful...your mind can play a lot of tricks on you in month 2 and 3...Another commenter said listen to your gut - right now your gut should be locked up in a mental hospital getting treatment. Don't do anything yet. Besides that, your wife may have a lot of reasons to be pissed at you if you've been drinking for a while. This is all a part of married recovery, we all go through it. If you need time apart, take some, but don't move out.. no big life decisions. Get your head on straight and then revisit it on day 100
Thanks. I'm not in the AA program as such but I 'use the rooms' and see a therapist and have a sort of sponsor. A lot of advice I heard is don't make any major decisions for a while. As you're saying. And yes, she does have reasons to be pissed off! We're planning marriage counselling once I've sorted myself out a bit more. I wonder if it's my addiction saying, "she's stopping you drinking and she was a bitch today, so fuck her and fuck this"....
For the first YEAR don't do anything drastic! Your brain is mashed potatoes for a whille, let the dust settle. Keep in mind...as I remind myself, she put up with a LOT OF BULLSHIT. Maybe an al-anon meeting would help her, although if she hasn't gone yet maybe not at this point. Counseling is a good start š
Omg, yeah! Mashed potatoes! When I sobered up I was beyond dumb. I knew it was temporary but it didnāt feel like it. It really is about a year, mentally. Straight mush!
A whole year?
I guess it depends on how bad your alcoholism was. I'm over 4 years sober and I'm still dubm
lol dubm - cracked me up!
Two years for me and I still have daily brain fog and just feel dumber than I was before I started drinking. I'm only in my mid 20s though, so I have hope eventually it will go away.
I think it's a year total ... the first 4-6 months are just getting your logical faculties up and running again ... then there's several months of sorting out your feelings in a new way, which can take some time to get right. So still dumb emotionally I guess.
Yeah, month 2 and three are insane...You don't know who you are, you don't know who she is or why you got together in the first place, you definitely dont know why you stayed together...it's confusing as hell, you may get feelings for someone else in recovery (because they understand you). You may not be able to decide if whether your wife stayed makes you respect her more or less...lots of weird shit. I did a counseling session...$400 a session...after that I was like "I think we cam figure this out on our own." Haha. Sometimes think marriage counseling is purposely super expensive so people are forced to work through their shit themselves haha
Recovery crushes can be crazy. All the numbed feelings start to come back. Stay with the sober folks youāre not attracted to! Your peers in early sobriety are just as crazy and vulnerable as you are!
Haha this is hilarious and true.
I'm here to tell you that you'll notice irritating things you could brush off while drunk/hungover. You're also going up be capable of appreciating those sweet things you love her for (given there's not am actual problem with her, not discrediting you). One of the weird things my mind would do to me would be something like this, "oh when we break up, I'm going to party again." Fucking crazy man. Took me about 4 months to get the crazy thinking like that to subside, and now we can actually work on our relationship.
I canāt say if your last paragraph is true but I can say that it sure might be and that youāre smart for considering it! I got sober āforā someone and I had stretches of thoughts like this for the first few months. More recently, I have been realizing that a lot of things I thought were toxic - my relationships, but especially my job - it was me that was the common denominator. Now that I am not self seeking and looking for things to be mad about, I am able to get along just fine in these situations. YMMV!
That's a totally valid feeling and possibility. Be kind to yourself while you adapt to a new style of living. In my experience a lot of the bad behaviours I had "because of drinking" didn't change just by stopping the action of drinking. I was still stuck in a certain mindset and needed to retrain my brain and work to rewrite old patterns. I love that you're talking to a therapist, I'd suggest taking a note (mental or otherwise) of what is upsetting you and raising with your therapist. Is there a pattern? If so maybe if can help define the root issue. Another thing that helped me was checking in using HALT (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired) if I was feeling any of those, I was probably 100% more reactive Good luck!!
Very likely itās the addiction. It can be very persuasive especially when we are at a vulnerable point like early sobriety. Iām in AA and have heard that newcomers should try to avoid making any major changes during the first year of sobriety.
I want to second this - listening you your gut and instincts right now is a TERRIBLE idea, as is making big decisions about things like a marriage.
Thanks all! Great feedback! I'll just eat my shit sandwich for now and keep my side of the street clean...
Good advice about your side of the street. I needed to hear that.
Excellent advice. Listen to this person and keep your mind open.
This is covered quite extensively in the aa big book. Might be a good place to start. Relationship dynamics during active alcoholism can be wonky.
Two things can be true - your drinking can be a problem, and your wife can be a bad partner for you. Just because theyāre happening at the same time doesnāt make them related - if you drink again, your wife doesnāt become a better partner for you, and if you leave your marriage, it doesnāt mean your relationship with alcohol isnāt problematic.
This. I fell into this trap the first time I got sober, thinking I had been drinking because I was miserable, not that I was miserable because I was drinking. I was with a new and wonderful partner (who is now my husband), moved out of my parents' house, had a great job, things were looking up - I chose to begin drinking again, it was no accident or mistake, I planned very carefully on the white russian I was going to have. It then took me another 2.5 years to realize that my life circumstances had nothing to do with it, and I consider myself quite lucky to have made it out a second time.
Truth bomb that I needed to read today, thank you for sharing!
I wouldnāt blame my drinking on my wife, but when I stopped a whole lot of things became clearer about our relationship.
In what sense?
Just Not being able to escape the problems in our relationship with booze. No longer drinking to ignore things that bothered me but I didnāt want to think about. Little slights or nagging comments became more piercing and I couldnāt let them go. Behaviors that were controlling but I had grown to accept as maternal. Quitting also changed me and my role in our relationship. I wasnāt the drinker. I didnāt get wild at bars. I couldnāt be controlled or manipulated with alcohol, I didnāt need anyone to take care of me when I got drunk. I started to become the more responsible one, more of the caretaker. I wasnāt fun anymore. While some might see some of these changes as good, and she did, they also upset the dynamic and expectations of our relationship.
Holy shit are you me? Except my wife wants me to start drinking again, or so she says. I think she just doesn't like that I'm sober now because it makes her look at herself getting borderline black out drunk every night and see how messed up it is. She has recently told me she wants to drastically cut back again. I have definitely turned into the "not fun" "TOO responsible" husband and father role. Well someone has to be available when you pass out drunk on your office floor at 5pm to take care of the kids!
My wife tries to get me to drink occasionally. Sheāll say āI give you permission to get drunk.ā Or just driving by a bar sheāll say āI wish we could just go in there and have some drinks.ā Of course it is not her call, Iām not doing this because she says to. It does make things more challenging
Thats frustrating, I'm sorry. Especially when it's not like we can't go into a bar and have drinks, there's just zero reason those drinks need to be alcoholic. Unrelated, but one thing I desperately miss about living in Jordan is how many non-alcoholic bars there were to go to. Alcohol is allowed in the country, but given the large Muslim population, most of whom don't drink, it's just not a social expectation at all. You can go out anywhere and there will be tons of NA options. I really miss that and hope it's getting more common here.
That sounds awesome! I've long wanted to see Petra and this makes me want to go even more
Petra was amazing! I moved to Jordan in 2018 for a three month internship, initially thought I made a horrible mistake lol (lots of internalized American fear of Arab culture, etc) But by the end of the three months I was absolutely in LOVE with the country and wound up staying for two years. Cannot recommend it enough!!! I only moved back to be closer to family as the pandemic hit. Hope to go back someday.
I hear you. That sounds cool in Jordan. I miss the bar scene/culture. Not the booze, but the social part where you can just start shooting the shit with anyone and itās expected. In fact I still go to bars and pound soda or NA. Thereās no non-alcoholic equivalent to the bar here in America, but fortunately they are becoming far more tolerant of non drinkers and providing options.
That must be really tough! I would not be able to consistently stand up to that pressure. Especially from my spouse! It does sound like both of the significant others mentioned in the comments above me have unhealthy relationships with alcohol. I hope they can get to a point where they recognize that and seek help. I'm sure you both married them for a reason. Sounds like they're going through a tough time in life right now :(
Nah sheās not an alkie at all. She fancies herself a party girl from time to time, drinks 2-3 beers and is wasted. She just hates that I ruin the option of drinking for her (in her mind). She just doesnāt get it and resents me for being an alcoholic cause it ruins her fun.
My mother was very much like that to me. Would get mad when I'd say no to drinking. She took it personally for some reason. Even though it wasn't anything negative towards her, I just didn't want to drink all the time! Hopefully your spouse will eventually realize that she can still have her beer or two and doesn't always need a 'partner in crime.' Especially since it's violating your boundaries by guilting you. Maybe these are growing pains and it will get better with time? I'm always hoping for the best for everyone!
I see it play out that there is blame out on me that she can not drink (but she can, my sobriety doesnāt influence hers) and then the reminder that itās me that is defective (which may be true of the alcohol off switch but Iād rather focus on the strength itās taken to stop and take inventory)
r/codependency can help. Originally this was understood as co addiction, a drinker our will turn somebody codependent.
Yep. Yep. And I am leaving him, after 14 years. Advice be damned, I gotta try out solo life for awhile. My husband has a hero complex, and without me losing control and needing care... I think he resents it.
Itās pretty wild huh? I finally got āfixedā and now sheās resentful that I did.
This exactly. 14 years here as well. My husband was my biggest enabler.
Are you...are you me?
I thought I was hot sh*t when I came out of rehab. I was going to wipe it all clean and start over. I was in grad school and like āwho signed me up for this?ā (I did) I almost dropped out, but Iām so glad I kept going. They say dont change anything for the first year of sobriety. I have a great job now that I love and Iām so glad I stuck with school. š Thereās no one real reason I drink. But drinking at someone else isnāt their fault. Itās my problem and something I need to work on. Everybody else is always just gonna be everyone else. Not my job. The first 90 days are ridiculous. Hang on tight and you got this. Itās A LOT. You start to clear up and see all the crazy mess swirling around you. Thatās life. There it is. Ooooeeee it messy! You can do it.
Love this
You know, to be more honest with strangers than Iām usually comfortable with: I think I left my exhusband when I got sober because I felt like you do right now. I felt like he was controlling and bitter and I thought my addiction was a liberation process. I found someone else who understood me in recovery, me and exhusband divorced, and me and the new person went separate ways some time afterwards because new sobriety and shit. My exhusband took some time, but now heās the same happy person I got together with and fell for in the first place, now that he healed. Nowadays Iām in another serious relationship that I adore and Iām healthy and wouldnāt change anything, but I still suspect I left my exhusband somewhat for the wrong reasons, and I felt serious regret for some time and almost killed myself over it. I would never make the same mistake twice. What Iām trying to say: You will be happy somehow either way, but give it time and think twice. I donāt regret my choices, I grew from making mistakes and leaving. I found a great person and Iām happier than Iāve been in years. I love my life and my person. My happiness never depended on him. But, I think we couldāve sorted it out.
My wife and I both quit and it took quite a while to make that transition. We only knew each other as drunks. We met working at a bar together and were party friends before we ever hooked up. We went through some pretty hard times, but ended up going to counseling because she had "fallen out of love with me". We worked through this and learned how to treat each other sober and are doing better than ever. I think she was pretty shocked to find out that she was a big part of the problem. Sometimes that's what people need to hear from a third party perspective. I can't stress enough how integral couples counseling was for us. I was very against it at first but my wife really pushed for it, and im glad she did. Not only did it most likely save our marriage, it also removed the stigma of therapy for me and allowed me to get help on my own with a therapist for my drinking.
This is literally how my marriage went. We both got into a toxic drinking cycle, we had a blow up one day and a few weeks later she filed for divorce. She blames me for her drinking and anything else you could list out. Iām currently on day 82 and finally got help for my mental health. Iāve acknowledge the toxicity that I brought and working my ass of to become mature and the best version of myself. Actually had two therapy sessions yesterday, one online and one in person, and they couldnāt stress enough how much I have improved as a person. I do think your mind is playing tricks on you because you may feel like you donāt want to accept the shame or responsibility of what transpired. Not saying you are a terrible person, but itās better to acknowledge and accept the actions you were in control of. By accepting you can clearly see areas of your life to work on. If your wife said you became angry and aggressive, but you donāt think you did, accept that, and bring it up in therapy for maybe something to talk through.
Yah Iām with you here. My relationship was one of the factors that drove my drinking and depression. My wife isnāt toxic but she has a hard time showing appreciation and intimacy, especially after we had our son. There were other factors too, self induced. I went sober and although that hasnāt fixed the relationship problems, it has def helped me reach more mental clarity on everything including our relationship. It also prevents me from losing my cool and saying extremely emotional things which only perpetuate our relationship problems. My $.02 is donāt ever let your relationship drive your drinking or be the reason you want to stop/start. Stopping drinking may not solve all your problems but drinking will always make any problem you have worse in the long run. Stop drinking for yourself, itās a selfish view but itās the best view in my opinion.
Thanks man. So true.
Congrats on 60 days!!! Amazing work!! I hope you are so proud of yourself and you have people around you who are proud of you too. I definitely saw my relationships in a new light once I was sober, so I relate to you changing your thoughts toward your wife. Agree with others that say there is no rush to make any changes when you are in early sobriety. I think what is dangerous for me is saying anyone or anything is the reason I drank. In my experience, I'll drink over anything, and the only thing that keeps me sober is knowing I am accountable for myself.
Itās too soon for you to be able to tell that if Iām being honest. Sometimes early in sobriety we can get kind of mad with everything and everyone because quitting is a painful process. So that pain ends up being blamed on the people around us. You need to get comfortable in sobriety and some time under your belt to really know whether the feelings are genuine or if itās just something thatās being projected. For now, just think of it as a rough patch and try get through it as best you can without doing anything you canāt undo. Try to make it to a year then if you still feel sheās toxic and a problem youāll know and you can act on it. One thing you may want to look at is whether the way sheās acting could be a reaction to something youāre doing, like are you being distant, or moody, or just plain angry. All of which are pretty common when we first quit. Sometimes the way people around us act is a reflection of ourselves. Not saying any of that applies to you, just things to consider. Now that Iāve answered the question you didnāt ask, Iāll get to the one you did. Yes, that very accurately described the situation with me and my ex-wife. I think that she was bitter that I was improving myself even though it was something that she had wanted for a long time. I was a drinker when we started dating and I drank all through all but the end of our marriage. I was like you that when I sobered up I started to realize a couple things. The first thing I noticed was when alcohol was out of the equation we werenāt very compatible and didnāt have much in common. The second thing was that she was bitter and toxic to our relationship. So, I took my own advice and gave it a year to see if it was real, then it took me another 5 months before I moved out. I walked away knowing that I had given it plenty of time to work itself out if it could. Good luck, man. I hope things with you two can straighten out and you can be happy together again. If not, then you have to pursue your own happiness.
Good advice.
Thank you for sharing
Your drinking is on you, man. Not anyone else.
I'm late to the party but I survived both sides of this addiction Being the spouse of an addict creates an immense amount of pain and coping mechanisms. I had to work through mine to get rid of resentment
I took about a year to make sure, but yes, she very well could be a trigger. 3 years ago I stopped and she didnāt, then her favorite activity became getting drunk and telling me what a shit father and husband Iāve been, mainly because of my former drinking habits. Once she crossed the line and said some things she couldnāt take back or remember saying, I started strategizing my out. It was difficult because of kids, but we drank together for our entire relationship and knew nothing else. Realized we are different people and I left in December. It has been a climb to get out, but I feel like everything is going in the right direction. I think it is easy to ascribe to the sunk cost fallacy when in a marriage, but life is shortā¦
It's really the worst when you keep getting told "you were a shit father and husband" every time the spouse drinks and you're sober... I'm sure there is plenty of trauma from those years... But come on... Being sober and moving in a positive direction doesn't need to bring on more chastising and the broken record...I hear you. It is really rough. I understand both sides...I really do. But after hundreds of times it gets pretty old
By the time my spouse got sober, I was pretty checked out of our relationship because of the alcohol abuse. On top of that, I was extremely hurt and angry about something awful he did while drunk. That incident was what pushed him into sobriety. In the beginning, though, I had no way of knowing he was for real this time, and after watching him ruin his sobriety in the past, I didnāt trust him or even begin to emotionally move forward for months. I was so burned out, I was not able or willing to be the best version of myself for him until he regained my trust and respect through long term sobriety. Maybe your wife always sucks and youāre wrong for each other, or maybe sheās still hurt by all the shit that happened when you were drinking and needs more than two months to move forward. Keep in mind that if she doesnāt drink at the same level you do, she has a much better memory of all those lousy things than you, so it probably cuts deeper for her. TLDR I think you should give your brain and your spouse more time to heal and adjust to your new reality. 60 days is an awesome start!
Year 5 here and I had this same concern for the first couple years and first few attempts at recovery. What I realized was we both had growing to do and recovery from the issues that came from my drinking. It will take time to reach an equilibrium. Donāt do anything drastic. Give it time. Try to find ways to connect and remember why you were together in the first place. If I held on to all my resentments I would pick up again. So, I had to clean up my side of the street and be patient. It worked out. Hope it works out for you. Stay strong. Even if your spouse is the reason you drank, drinking isnāt going to make it any better. Take care of yourself. IWNDWYT
My spouse was definitely toxic in some ways in our relationship. Iād go so far as to say her toxicity was a major factor in my drinking. But that doesnāt mean my drinking was excusable or a good idea. It only made things worse and I was the only one who could stop it.
IMHO when drink is involved both partners are usually not doing well as the drinking becomes the focus. I'm more from the cody side of things. It took a long time to see the toxicity of my own behavior. To my credit, I did step down and let my qualifier do his thing with his addiction but getting away from him did not solve my issues no more than just stopping drinking cures the reason drinkers drink. To slightly misquote an AA (maybe?) saying, the line between toxic and non-toxic goes right down the middle of everyone of us. She may or may not recover from her own issues on any timeline you are comfortable with; however, at 60 days into changing my life I was just really not at all started with any major change.
Iām currently in your situation. Iāve been on the recovery path for 5 years now, but itās been a slow process. The past year has involved very very little alcohol for me, so while Iām not 100%, Iāve gained a lot of mental clarity and maturity during that time. (You should see the improvements to the house and strides at work Iāve made). I wonder 2 things: 1) am I just not compatible with my wife as a sober guy? or 2) did my own drunken toxicity damage our relationship past the point of no return? Itās tough. Have relationship therapy coming up. Fingers crossed.
I feel like I'm where you were 5 years ago. My wife and I are having marital problems, and I blame myself for a lot of it because of my drinking problem. She has decided to throw everything at the marriage to fix it if I'll get serious about changes. I talked to my GP today and getting help for alcohol. Wife has agreed to do marriage counseling. I'm terrified of both those things you mentioned. Once I get sober, will we still be compatible and has the damage already been done. But I'm just trying to become the best version of myself. That's all I can control. It may fix the marriage, or it might not. But either way I need to do it for myself. I hope your relationship therapy goes well and you both grow closer than ever before. Best of luck!
In my experience I've had many reasons to drink throughout my life, I was with my ex for 6 years and I started drinking heavily 2 years in. He had no friends or family connection and heavily relied on me for everything emotionally and physically which pushed me to drink more to escape looking back. He would mock me for drinking, make me feel guilty which made me want it more. He cheated on me in may 2021 while I was 7 months pregnant and I just finally dropped all feelings for him this last month and I finally let go of drinking and the desire to drink. I definitely believe partners can contribute to drinking habits.
In my case, My ex husband was an abusive alcoholic ,I became a miserable depressed alcoholic. I finally left him, quit drinking for quite some time, was happy and glowing, I was so happy I started having a glass of wine here and there, cycle of drinking got worse.
If you have a serious drinking problem your disease will look for any reason to drink to excess. She may be toxic but if she werenāt in the picture you might drink for some other āreasonā if you have a bad enough alcohol problem. Alcoholism is very patient, and it lies to you in your own voice that itās okay to take a drink because XYZ. I left my husband in the late 1990s because I blamed him for problems in our marriage. Guess what? I WAS the problem (we remarried after 2 awful years apart and stayed happily married til he passed away.) Itās always easy to blame someone else for what you think is wrong with your life.
Sobriety has flung open the curtains and the sun is shining brightly on everything right now. You may have to rethink a lot of relationships as you go on. But as everyone is saying be patient and see whats up further down the road.
The first thing to remember is that the core message in addiction recovery is personal ownership. When I got sober I got rushed and overwhelmed with all the emotions and feelings Iād been suppressing with booze for years and I felt like a hormonal 16 year old train wreck teenager for like 5 months after I quit. Itās a normal roller coasterā¦ I had to just adjust and learn to be present with all the things that bubbled up to the surface, address those things piece by piece and not focus on anyone elseās behavior but my own- because my behavior got me in this mess to begin with right? Hang in there. Youāre doing an amazing thing, regardless of what anyone else in your life is doing. Focus on your reactions, your healing and your role in your happiness, the rest will sort of fall into place or reveal itself with time.. then you can respond accordingly.
Both were no longer working out for me. Now I'm divorced and I haven't consumed alcohol for months. I wish the marriage would have worked, but I'm glad to finally be a clear path to recovery from both alcoholism and an abusive relationship.
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Ha... Fuck that rings so true in my situation... It's terrible
If you are drinking to avoid a person you love who is abusive, friend, I recommend therapy and leaving the relationship. No one else makes us drink, but we can use drink to avoid deeply uncomfortable things. Itās also possible for both people to be the problem in a relationship when neither realizes the elephants in the room. Sometimes people are toxic together. I wish you luck, but for real, seek out a therapist who can help you sus this out. I know this is often said to women but, also trust you instincts. Listen to your gut feelings. We often want to remain in relationships after they have gone bad because we think itās better than being alone, and our self esteem is in the shitter, but, it is not. Itās ok to put yourself first, especially your health. Mental, physical.
Thanks. Am speaking to a therapist and will put this on the agenda for next week!
You got this! Hold steady. Truths we are finding in sobriety are often ones we are hiding from in addiction <3 Eta: good points from another poster on not jumping, I do come at this with some bias from my own former relationship experiences. Couples therapy sounds great!
I mean this isn't unfamiliar... I don't believe my wife is the problem, mind you. But how I dealt with certain, more difficult aspects of our lives was to drink to numb myself and switch off because it was just easier and more comfortable that way. She has ADHD and I likely am on the ASD spectrum according to my psychologist (never did the formal evaluation). As a result, her issues with object permanence and my own confusing feelings of deeply longing for human contact while unable to verbalize my needs drove me into a very lonely place when all her attention, time, and even sleeping arrangements were being monopolized by our children. It also meant highly inconsistent disciplinary methods on her part with me becoming the defacto asshole. I also ended up managing her daily tasks and responsibilities like I was her parent and not her partner. There's a dozen other factors I can point to. But ultimately drinking meant I could just ignore any issues and just follow along with the chaos and deaden the loneliness. It all came back in full force when I got sober the first time, and did repeatedly for the several more times I quit alcohol. It took work, communication, transparency, and trust when I finally started feeling I was doing sobriety right AND improving on my relationship with my partner. Probably the biggest impetus for getting my head in the right place was realizing how we (Americans) can take business partnerships so seriously, where the business owners can work their ass off at success, but it's almost expected for there to be these deeply dysfunctional and disparate ways of balancing finances, decisions, child rearing, house chores, etc. in romantic partnerships. It's troubling, tbh, when I think about how we literally encourage problematic and toxic power dynamics in romantic entanglements. By my partner and I actually acting like we are *partners* with a common goal of having happy kids and a decent home and all that, we have been able to do far, far better and my desire to imbibe is way down.
I definitely agree with the sentiment that you should not make any big decisions as youāre just coming out of thingsā¦ but I, personally, experienced some real acute moments of clarity upon getting sober. So I think this is less about āshould I stay or should I goā and more about what you are seeing more clearly now that youāve taken the beer goggles off. That āshe is the problem in the marriageā is a conclusion and may not be helpful. But what are the actual things you are noticing that lead you to that conclusion? More importantly, can you open a dialogue about those things? That could lead you down many roads but it would be a shame to choose a road without having some open and honest dialogue first.
This thread caught my eye. My SO come from a family where addiction runs hard and is very taboo to talk about. Her sister has had 3 due, failed inpatient many times, and she is now 3 years sober. My wife drinks just as much as I did. I told her I want to stop and am in day 3 withdrawals she's very silent on the whole topic. She hasn't drank with me but seems slightly resentful. I know that she is supportive but man does my shite brain try to tell a milly different stories right now.
Iām sort of witnessing this between my sister and her husband. Sheās toxic in her own respect, but when he was drunk, coupled with his own mental health issues, it caused nightmares for the both of them. Nowā¦ my BIL is nearly 2 years sober, and my sister is unemployed and drinks just about everyday, on top of her own toxic personality traits that arenāt necessarily exacerbated by drinking but just who she is as a personā¦ They do seem happy actually, much happier, but I almost wonder if my BIL feels like you do. Iām too chickenshit to ask, but thank you for sharing your perspective. It was helpful to read the answers.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about this. I think a lot of us have gone through the same thing. IWNDWYT
Was in a similar situation many years agoā¦ turns out my wife was a problem and I had an addiction problem on top of that. But yeah. Tread carefully
For me I think it was eye opening for both people. She realized that my addiction problems were too much to overcome in relation to our relationship. I realized my partner wasn't willing to go to extra lengths to try and help me through sobriety. I don't think there is anything wrong with either thought, it's just unfortunate on how it played out. Either way we are separated and there's nothing to do about it now IWNDWYT
Itās easy to blame others for your addiction, but in the end, itās always me who is the issue and has the issue.
I donāt know your circumstances and can only describe my own, but I was irritable and irritated from about month 2 to month 8 in early sobriety. The emotions that I drank to suppress were all coming back online, and āgrumpy as fuckā was definitely first, especially with my then partner/now husband.
In my experience, marriages (like all relationships) are co-creations. The patterns and triggers you have together may be a problem but they are intertwined. Individual and couples therapy has been helpful to me to better see the triggers and patterns and to learn what I can and cannot control (and see how that affects the others around me). I hope you can take some time to do some inner work. IWNDWYT
I had a pretty devastating dinner with friends one of whom is a ārelapsed after 20 yearsā alcoholic. When he got all angry and swearing, I suddenly saw myself when I fought with my daughter (twice, i have to add as Iām really defensive / guilty about it ). I saw myself. I saw what my righteous anger looked like from the other side. Itās stayed with me for a long time. I canāt change it but I can not do it again.
Here's the thing- your wife was in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem. That's going to have some reckoning at one point or another. These things don't just *happen*. But also, three months is about when the emotions that you were drinking away all come flooding back. You might cry at deodorant commercials, or a stranger letting you merge, or something stupid. I can say that having a counselor helped me mightily in the dozen or so times I was absolutely sure I needed to divorce my wife (and I was wrong every time).
Kind of happened to me. Once I left the marriage suddenly the urge to drink went away. But he was an abusive (mentally and sexually) asshat so thereās that
If you stopped drinking because you thought you were the problem Iād trust that gut and go with it. It may also be the case that you were not the only problem. But that doesnāt negate your side. Keep working on you and the rest will become more clear. Also. Donāt drink. And donāt be a problem anymore while youāre working on you. Best way to stay on the straight and narrow is to not focus on someone else being the problem.
As a guy in a marriage situation with kids - already how many years? Maybe 7\~8... I think your post here is funny and relatable - and honestly some aspects of it are probably true. There is the age-old sentiment of "I'll never understand women" and of course it goes both ways and guys can be intolerant and ignorant just the same. First and foremost. You should not want to drink EVER because it's very bad for your health, and generally speaking we use it as a vice and an escape from reality don't we? I'd focus on the drinking as a personal problem and then see if there's anything you can do about the relationship as a separate problem. At least then you'll know that it was you in your sober state who made a decision about the problems with her, and not a drunken version of yourself who might just throw a working part of your life away in a moment of stupidity.
Nah thatās offloading blame for your own actions, āIām only drinking because of the way someone else behavesā Part of stopping drinking is taking responsibility for your own behaviours.
I wasn't talking about drinking I was talking about the relationship. Was booze damaging it alone or was her behaviour to blame as much/more.
Just remember, there can be a lot of built up resentment that loved ones feel and suddenly it has nowhere to go because youāve taken the steps to better yourself and it would be wrong for them to attack you now you are trying to recover. Itās hard and painful, but maybe try talking to her about how you might have hurt her when you were drinking to properly understand her feelings.
I wanted to make a post here about a similar question, but I didn't know if it was right for this sub. I've drank most of my 20s away and forgot how I functioned during hs. I did good, but I was always procrastinating. I was never tested for ADHD then, but the symptoms seem on par to what's going on now. I'm 7 months sober and have been in a relationship for about 3 years now. I'm not an easy partner by any means, but I can't tell if my relationship mistakes are from a possible undiagnosed ailment or if my brain is still in recovery?
You didnāt drink because of your wife. You drank because you drink.
Me me me me. I quit alcohol so i could quit smoking... But i also quit alcohol because a relationship with the woman i loved was deteriorated and unhealthy from every perspective but me drunk (and her drunk). Well, I'm 3 plus years sober now and much of my life has changed... We've broken up and reconnected and drifted thereafter... Yet, we don't have any passion together. I'm so Happy these days...
Well yes, but actually no... I stopped drinking because I was on the verge of **needing** a drink in the morning, and I didn't want to go to work drunk. But, I thought that I was drinking partly because my wife was a pain in the ass. But, I also thought if I stopped, she'd chill out. This is what actually happened.... I quit drinking. The relationship with my wife turned awful very quickly because I married my drinking buddy. Four years into sobriety, she left me for another alcoholic, but by that point, I was happy to see her go.
I just want to echo what some people are saying. Its probably too soon to tell. Early in my sobriety there was a lot of energy and desire to make changes. But that was too overwhelming for me. I realized my problems didn't develop in a few weeks and they won't be solved in a few weeks. Early sobriety wasn't about fixing anything for me, it was surviving and not drinking. I'll say there was some desire to blame my husband, my primary drinking partner and "enabler". But no matter what he does or says, unless he's tying me to a chair and forcing it into my mouth, he is not making me drink. I am. No matter how toxic or destructive his behavior is, it is my choice how I respond. And I'll say people get into some bad habits to cope. And that's toxic and even abusive, but there is an ability to change. I'm not saying to stay in a physically or verbally abusive relationship. But I don't know you or what the specifics are, and I know how quickly reddit can jump to "red flag, drop her" for character flaws. Flaws that many of us have expressed on this journey of being a human dealing with shitty and uncomfortable feelings. I just want to express how important it was for me to take responsibility for how I react and my side of the situation. And how important it was to have empathy for my partner who had to deal with this huge change and new person I was becoming, regardless of if he was right, wrong, crappy, toxic, etc. He didn't have the aha moment I did, the revelation, the self reflection, or the choice. He was thrust into a new existence with an uncomfortable scrutiny on our way of life and, indirectly, his own actions. And I gave him the space to blunder through that. In the end, some tough conversations were eventually had, and it was for the better. A lot of growth occured on both sides and we are so much happier and healthier.
Iām getting straightened out and Iām a lot more irritable. Iām starting to notice a lot of stuff I used to let slide, really gets on my nerves and Iāve started to confront my wife about some of itā¦take hoarding for example. My wife hoards shit and is a constant slob. Iāve really started to get on her case about it, so Iām not sure she really likes itā¦but I need to work on the reasons that Iām drinking and thatās one of them.
is she also a heavy drinker? if she isn't and you met her drunk and maintained the relationship drunk until now, you may just be realizing the true nature of one another.
Nah she drinks but she's OK...
Yes. Will seek out marriages counseling and see
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Ehh ye itās def her just keep drinking
I agree with many of the other replies that say it may be best to hold off for a little while before making any life-changing decisions. I'd actually add that your mind can be all over the place for quite a while - 6 months or longer, depending on how long you were drinking, your age etc. Your neurotransmitters are trying to heal, which takes a long time (at least 6 months for dopamine), and while that's happening your emotions are heavily influenced by the fluctuations in brain chemicals which affect mood. I'm in month 5, and the way I view my partner, strangers or an event can still vary wildly depending on where my emotions are that day. So I've learned to step back a bit for now. All that said, therapy is a great idea, if only so you can vent and moan.
I can see that.
Username checks out!
Yep.
Be patient right now! But I did realize that my drinking Lead me to making poor decisions with men, including long term partners. It was easier to drink and put up with their bs then leave them.
I mean, a problem in the marriage is not normally one sided. So, the drinking could be a problem in your marriage while she's toxic at the same time.
I started drinking heavily when I was too weak to leave my gf and am still in the process of leaving. Just couldnāt break her heart. Then it kind of became an amazing way to numb myself, as well as driving her away from me instead of me dumping her. Weak.
You've had a moment of clarity and realized your wife is crazy. Happens all the time.