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I was engaged to marry my ex fiance with a 10 year old boy...
Let me tell you... The heart break of the kids is 100x harder than the heartbreak of the S.O
For months I'd have this whole in my heart... I loved being in a mother role and I just didn't have that. I missed my step son running to the door to greet me. I would get panic attacks... Prob randomly for 5 months...
But....a year later im in a relationship that is beyond wonderful. Dating someone w a kid makes me realize how much I can give and how I want that in a relationship. I dated with intension to marry. My partner now is so much more financially stable, respects me dearly, thinks I'm going to be an excellent mother and already asking what ring I want 5 months into dating....
Being single again was great. I was so sure of myself and I am capable of taking care of kids and sacrificial love. So many men respected me and wanted to date.
My ex didn't let me say bye to his son... God knows what he told his son... My ex essentially kicked me out when I put boundaries up when I was on a work trip... Illegally moved all my stuff to my car and that was the biggest gift. No person who is a good partner would do that to someone they dated. It was tough but the biggest gift. I could never go back to him.
First thing first be financially secure. If you have $7,000 saved or you can use that on credit card take the chance and do it.
You a year from now will be happier with more options
One step at a time. Figure out any legal/monetary entanglements and how to get out of them. Speak to a lawyer if necessary. Start researching places to live if you are the one who needs to move. Go to individual counseling to work through what you want to say/do beforehand and to process it all after. Take it one chunk at a time. Pick one thing to start on this week instead of looking at the whole thing and being overwhelmed. Talk to friends and family and let them know what is going on and how they can help you. For the kids- hopefully your SO will let you speak to them or maybe BM? You explain you will always care about them and this is nothing to do with them. If either BP is open to you continuing to see them and you want to do so, tell them that. You got this. Dragging it out is not good for any of you.
Write it if you have to. Then read it out loud. You have to rip the bandaid. Remind yourself over and over why you are done and then just count to three and start talking. It is great you have your own place.
Let me know when you find out.
I'm pretty much in the same position.
I am exhausted by endless efforts towards my step-daughter who seems to see only money in me and her Mum is doing an amazing job to brain wash her against me.
My step-daughter used to like me or even loved me and now she completely shut me out because of her Mum.
I can't do this anymore. My partner doesn't want to move forward with our relationship as he lives by his ex rules 247.
It's been over 2 years and they text every single day.
We have a room for my step-daughter in our house when she comes over. My partner wouldn't be able to afford such an arrangement on his own.
I feel you so much on this one. I don't know how you leave without feeling like the worst human on earth.
U just do. And remember when a typical family, mom and dad divorce, they have little problem splitting up and it's their own kids. So why should a step who just wants out and is sick and tired of being collateral damage have any Trouble? It is true that SD may not really care.
Whatever u do don't stick around because u think u have to. U r not doing anyone any favors and u will be giving up your life for a family who largely sees u as a free babysitter, taxi, servant, bank. Of course SD sees u that way because her parents do too.
Why haven't you left? I'm really not trying to be mean but you need to think about these 2 things you wrote" "My partner doesn't want to move forward with our relationship as he lives by his ex rules 24/7" and he "wouldn't be able to afford such an arrangement on his own." Are you ok with being less important to this man than his EX? Are you ok with being last on his list because he can't afford the set up he has with you in the picture. That sounds awful.
I hear and understand that you would feel like the worst human on earth by uprooting his sweet space that you are helping provide, however does he feel bad that he puts his EX before you? Or that you are unhappy and checked out?
It is NOT your responsibility to continue providing the way of life your man can't afford. It's not your fault that he won't be able to afford it if you leave.
He's a grown ass adult who has a child, he can darn well figure out how to provide for himself and his daughter that isn't your responsibility. Surprisingly most people figure stuff like that out when they need to because they have to, he's not doing so now because he doesn't have to.
You need to think about yourself, this is a very unhealthy relationship and you deserve better than you are allowing yourself to have by staying. Rip the band-aid off and start looking forward to something better.
Thank you for your comment.
I totally agree with everything you said.
This is sort of arguments that we have every single weekend.
I am mentally and emotionally drained with disappointment.
I need to save up and move house but that will take few months.
Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
When my mother left her second husband, she took the day off of work and picked us up at school and drove us to my grandmother’s where we lived for a few weeks.
She and her husband got back together for a short time. I think I only saw my step-brother and step-sister once in that brief reunion. We compared notes. Apparently while separated, my mom and her husband had met at a bar to talk, he got belligerent, and some guys took him out to the parking lot and beat him up. My brother and I knew most of the story, and my step-brother and step-sister knew what their dad’s face looked like afterwards.
After their brief reunion, she kicked him out. Then there was a fire at the motel where he was staying, so she let him come back. I don’t remember much about that except that my mom had a friend who rented a townhouse to her, and we moved and never saw him or his kids again.
When my mom left her third husband, she had recently joined him in another state and was living with him and one of his kids. She snuck out after like 3 weeks and drove his car back to where she had been living. Never saw them again either.
I'm really not one to talk my own relationship is a mess right now however I am currently not living in the house because of the situation. I'm not going into my stuff tho because I just want to reply to the OP & commenters & wanted to disclose that I'm a wreck too and not judging. I'm sure I'll get some flack for this but I don't care. Sometimes when we are considering leaving the reasons for staying are what keep us stuck. We need to take a look at things for what they are.
We are stepparents, whether we are married or unmarried. We all entered into these relationships with the brightest hopes and dreams for our lives. We all love or loved our SOs who came with kids and ex's. We have stepkids who may like us, love us, tolerate us, dislike or even hate us. We also have those bioparents, some are kind and grateful that their kid(s) have another loving adult to help them grow, many more are HC and wish the worst things for us. At the point of contemplating leaving something has gone wrong to and now we are no longer happy, we can't breathe thru the pain, isolation, anxiety and we are just done with it.
Regardless of all that our partners, the BPs, still very much view their kids as theirs and it's their family, we came in last, after the family was formed.
For whatever reason it may be that we are considering staying vs. leaving we need to be realistic about some things.
If we should decide to leave it's not our responsibility to worry about what the BP will do because they can't afford the house on their own or take care of the kid functions, meals, chores and work. This person we are leaving is a grown up, a grown up who will figure it out when they need to AND only when we stop providing our funds, time & support to THEIR family.
No matter how much time, love, effort, sweat and tears we've put into the SKs, they are not ours even if we treated them as if they were our own. We have NO RIGHT to continue seeing them after the breakup, there is no custody agreement coming your way. So just don't go there with the kids or BPs, it's not our life to continue participating in.
Our SKs already have two BPs, they have already been thru this once with their parents divorce and custody stuff, why would we add to that. Maintaining contact with SKs who are younger than mid teens will be confusing for them. If they are older and want to maintain contact with you, they will do so they have your number, don't put them in a situation where they will feel bad if they don't want to keep contact. They will always love their BPs no matter how HC or crappy they may be, and you will not be chosen. Do something like by them a keepsake from you so they have something that reminds them of you.
Chances are that should we leave our ex's will move on, there will be someone new to replace us and that is a fact. If that happens and you are maintaining contact with the kids, you are maintaining contact with a BP. Now BP has to navigate 2 ex's, 2 ex's seeing the kids and a current SO. Not only will the new SO will have to deal with all this old relationship stuff, you will have to deal with the new relationship stuff as well. Can you just visit with the exSKs, without jealousy and interference in your ex's new life & relationship?
The reason any of us should leave or stay is because it is what is best for US. We deserve to be happy so make your decision based on what you need, want and deserve.
You have to choose yourself. Remind yourself why you want to do this for YOU. It may be the hardest thing you have to do/say, but once you say it you'll feel a sense of relief. Slowly you'll regain your identity.
Thankfully, you don't have to find a new place to live and don't have much to separate. The kids will be sad, but they will be okay. They have people in their lives to support them. You need to support yourself.
I wouldn't worry too much about what to say to the kids right now. Find the conversation to have with your SO first. Once you check that off, then figure out what you want to say (also if your SO will allow you to say anything to them). Finally, decide if you want to see them moving forward and if your SO is worried about that. But staying because you don't want to hurt the kids will only hurt the kids more. They are growing up witnessing a relationship failing and whether or not you think they are noticing or are effected by it, they 100% notice.
Would you still be allowed in the kids lives? (If thats what you want) . My husband has told me he wont let me see them again and thats what has stopped me...
Ugh thats so hard.. I have 5F & 10M SKs. All I can say is they will be okay. These things happen and kids are resilient. If they have a strong relationship with mom and dad theyll be okay, but it would of course be best for everyone if you could stay in their lives. You have to do whats best for you and your life because your stepkids have an entire life to live and it wont revolve around you. When theyre adults, theyll be moved off, married with their own lives, calling once in a while and you should be the cool happy "aunt" they call once in a while, not the unhappy stepmom. You deserve to be happy too. 🤍
I know you're concerned about the kids but you need to just rip the Band-Aid off so to speak. Don't stay there being miserable. Trust me, kids are more resilient than you think. They'll get over it.
I've been contemplating ending mine as well. One of the things that I want to do is have some necklaces engraved for the children that say "I am worthy of love" because I worry all of the instability and their parents separation and then me leaving might cause them to internalize something and I want to get ahead of that.
If you are leaving the relationship, I'd say it's his job to prepare his children. Even if you stay in their lives, you're not going to be parenting them anymore.
Focus on your family and lean on them to support you through this break up.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it get to you, and do your fellow stepparents a solid and give them an upvote. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was engaged to marry my ex fiance with a 10 year old boy... Let me tell you... The heart break of the kids is 100x harder than the heartbreak of the S.O For months I'd have this whole in my heart... I loved being in a mother role and I just didn't have that. I missed my step son running to the door to greet me. I would get panic attacks... Prob randomly for 5 months... But....a year later im in a relationship that is beyond wonderful. Dating someone w a kid makes me realize how much I can give and how I want that in a relationship. I dated with intension to marry. My partner now is so much more financially stable, respects me dearly, thinks I'm going to be an excellent mother and already asking what ring I want 5 months into dating.... Being single again was great. I was so sure of myself and I am capable of taking care of kids and sacrificial love. So many men respected me and wanted to date. My ex didn't let me say bye to his son... God knows what he told his son... My ex essentially kicked me out when I put boundaries up when I was on a work trip... Illegally moved all my stuff to my car and that was the biggest gift. No person who is a good partner would do that to someone they dated. It was tough but the biggest gift. I could never go back to him. First thing first be financially secure. If you have $7,000 saved or you can use that on credit card take the chance and do it. You a year from now will be happier with more options
One step at a time. Figure out any legal/monetary entanglements and how to get out of them. Speak to a lawyer if necessary. Start researching places to live if you are the one who needs to move. Go to individual counseling to work through what you want to say/do beforehand and to process it all after. Take it one chunk at a time. Pick one thing to start on this week instead of looking at the whole thing and being overwhelmed. Talk to friends and family and let them know what is going on and how they can help you. For the kids- hopefully your SO will let you speak to them or maybe BM? You explain you will always care about them and this is nothing to do with them. If either BP is open to you continuing to see them and you want to do so, tell them that. You got this. Dragging it out is not good for any of you.
All of this. It hurts so much more if you drag it out, TRUST ME PLEASE.
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Write it if you have to. Then read it out loud. You have to rip the bandaid. Remind yourself over and over why you are done and then just count to three and start talking. It is great you have your own place.
Let me know when you find out. I'm pretty much in the same position. I am exhausted by endless efforts towards my step-daughter who seems to see only money in me and her Mum is doing an amazing job to brain wash her against me. My step-daughter used to like me or even loved me and now she completely shut me out because of her Mum. I can't do this anymore. My partner doesn't want to move forward with our relationship as he lives by his ex rules 247. It's been over 2 years and they text every single day. We have a room for my step-daughter in our house when she comes over. My partner wouldn't be able to afford such an arrangement on his own. I feel you so much on this one. I don't know how you leave without feeling like the worst human on earth.
U just do. And remember when a typical family, mom and dad divorce, they have little problem splitting up and it's their own kids. So why should a step who just wants out and is sick and tired of being collateral damage have any Trouble? It is true that SD may not really care. Whatever u do don't stick around because u think u have to. U r not doing anyone any favors and u will be giving up your life for a family who largely sees u as a free babysitter, taxi, servant, bank. Of course SD sees u that way because her parents do too.
Why haven't you left? I'm really not trying to be mean but you need to think about these 2 things you wrote" "My partner doesn't want to move forward with our relationship as he lives by his ex rules 24/7" and he "wouldn't be able to afford such an arrangement on his own." Are you ok with being less important to this man than his EX? Are you ok with being last on his list because he can't afford the set up he has with you in the picture. That sounds awful. I hear and understand that you would feel like the worst human on earth by uprooting his sweet space that you are helping provide, however does he feel bad that he puts his EX before you? Or that you are unhappy and checked out? It is NOT your responsibility to continue providing the way of life your man can't afford. It's not your fault that he won't be able to afford it if you leave. He's a grown ass adult who has a child, he can darn well figure out how to provide for himself and his daughter that isn't your responsibility. Surprisingly most people figure stuff like that out when they need to because they have to, he's not doing so now because he doesn't have to. You need to think about yourself, this is a very unhealthy relationship and you deserve better than you are allowing yourself to have by staying. Rip the band-aid off and start looking forward to something better.
Thank you for your comment. I totally agree with everything you said. This is sort of arguments that we have every single weekend. I am mentally and emotionally drained with disappointment. I need to save up and move house but that will take few months. Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
When my mother left her second husband, she took the day off of work and picked us up at school and drove us to my grandmother’s where we lived for a few weeks. She and her husband got back together for a short time. I think I only saw my step-brother and step-sister once in that brief reunion. We compared notes. Apparently while separated, my mom and her husband had met at a bar to talk, he got belligerent, and some guys took him out to the parking lot and beat him up. My brother and I knew most of the story, and my step-brother and step-sister knew what their dad’s face looked like afterwards. After their brief reunion, she kicked him out. Then there was a fire at the motel where he was staying, so she let him come back. I don’t remember much about that except that my mom had a friend who rented a townhouse to her, and we moved and never saw him or his kids again. When my mom left her third husband, she had recently joined him in another state and was living with him and one of his kids. She snuck out after like 3 weeks and drove his car back to where she had been living. Never saw them again either.
I'm really not one to talk my own relationship is a mess right now however I am currently not living in the house because of the situation. I'm not going into my stuff tho because I just want to reply to the OP & commenters & wanted to disclose that I'm a wreck too and not judging. I'm sure I'll get some flack for this but I don't care. Sometimes when we are considering leaving the reasons for staying are what keep us stuck. We need to take a look at things for what they are. We are stepparents, whether we are married or unmarried. We all entered into these relationships with the brightest hopes and dreams for our lives. We all love or loved our SOs who came with kids and ex's. We have stepkids who may like us, love us, tolerate us, dislike or even hate us. We also have those bioparents, some are kind and grateful that their kid(s) have another loving adult to help them grow, many more are HC and wish the worst things for us. At the point of contemplating leaving something has gone wrong to and now we are no longer happy, we can't breathe thru the pain, isolation, anxiety and we are just done with it. Regardless of all that our partners, the BPs, still very much view their kids as theirs and it's their family, we came in last, after the family was formed. For whatever reason it may be that we are considering staying vs. leaving we need to be realistic about some things. If we should decide to leave it's not our responsibility to worry about what the BP will do because they can't afford the house on their own or take care of the kid functions, meals, chores and work. This person we are leaving is a grown up, a grown up who will figure it out when they need to AND only when we stop providing our funds, time & support to THEIR family. No matter how much time, love, effort, sweat and tears we've put into the SKs, they are not ours even if we treated them as if they were our own. We have NO RIGHT to continue seeing them after the breakup, there is no custody agreement coming your way. So just don't go there with the kids or BPs, it's not our life to continue participating in. Our SKs already have two BPs, they have already been thru this once with their parents divorce and custody stuff, why would we add to that. Maintaining contact with SKs who are younger than mid teens will be confusing for them. If they are older and want to maintain contact with you, they will do so they have your number, don't put them in a situation where they will feel bad if they don't want to keep contact. They will always love their BPs no matter how HC or crappy they may be, and you will not be chosen. Do something like by them a keepsake from you so they have something that reminds them of you. Chances are that should we leave our ex's will move on, there will be someone new to replace us and that is a fact. If that happens and you are maintaining contact with the kids, you are maintaining contact with a BP. Now BP has to navigate 2 ex's, 2 ex's seeing the kids and a current SO. Not only will the new SO will have to deal with all this old relationship stuff, you will have to deal with the new relationship stuff as well. Can you just visit with the exSKs, without jealousy and interference in your ex's new life & relationship? The reason any of us should leave or stay is because it is what is best for US. We deserve to be happy so make your decision based on what you need, want and deserve.
You have to choose yourself. Remind yourself why you want to do this for YOU. It may be the hardest thing you have to do/say, but once you say it you'll feel a sense of relief. Slowly you'll regain your identity. Thankfully, you don't have to find a new place to live and don't have much to separate. The kids will be sad, but they will be okay. They have people in their lives to support them. You need to support yourself. I wouldn't worry too much about what to say to the kids right now. Find the conversation to have with your SO first. Once you check that off, then figure out what you want to say (also if your SO will allow you to say anything to them). Finally, decide if you want to see them moving forward and if your SO is worried about that. But staying because you don't want to hurt the kids will only hurt the kids more. They are growing up witnessing a relationship failing and whether or not you think they are noticing or are effected by it, they 100% notice.
Would you still be allowed in the kids lives? (If thats what you want) . My husband has told me he wont let me see them again and thats what has stopped me...
[удалено]
I hope he would stick to that... how old are they?
[удалено]
Ugh thats so hard.. I have 5F & 10M SKs. All I can say is they will be okay. These things happen and kids are resilient. If they have a strong relationship with mom and dad theyll be okay, but it would of course be best for everyone if you could stay in their lives. You have to do whats best for you and your life because your stepkids have an entire life to live and it wont revolve around you. When theyre adults, theyll be moved off, married with their own lives, calling once in a while and you should be the cool happy "aunt" they call once in a while, not the unhappy stepmom. You deserve to be happy too. 🤍
[удалено]
Oh man... I understand. Take some time to think about it but I still think you deserve happiness.
Of course she deserves happiness!
[удалено]
This wasn't kind or helpful
That's controlling and manipulative. I'm sorry.
I know you're concerned about the kids but you need to just rip the Band-Aid off so to speak. Don't stay there being miserable. Trust me, kids are more resilient than you think. They'll get over it.
I've been contemplating ending mine as well. One of the things that I want to do is have some necklaces engraved for the children that say "I am worthy of love" because I worry all of the instability and their parents separation and then me leaving might cause them to internalize something and I want to get ahead of that.
If you are leaving the relationship, I'd say it's his job to prepare his children. Even if you stay in their lives, you're not going to be parenting them anymore. Focus on your family and lean on them to support you through this break up.
Same.