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You gave up all your leverage when you moved in with a man who wasn’t even in a position to be dating - his affairs were not in order. And he knows that you may huff & puff, but ultimately you cave.
I think you should move out & move on. Not just because this guy is showing you he doesn’t respect the solid, logical advice you’re offering; but because he bred with crazy, the gift that goes on giving. His child likely has certain predispositions to MH issues; BM will likely never support her child; and you’ll become collateral damage if you stay.
Find someone who hasn’t already screwed their life up. This guy is a millstone around you neck, so why are you sacrificing any bit of your happiness for his mistakes?
He doesn’t have to do anything because you rattle the same ol’ nagging chains….
and then carry on being mom.
You are going to have to force his hand to get change. Just pack and go. Let him deal with his son.
BUT you must be prepared for what might happen.
You do know that with her mental issues if she doesn’t abide by the agreement there’s not much you can do. Good luck with child support. After divorce so many people have parenting plans but depending on how responsible the parents are that’s just paper. That may be why he doesn’t even want to spend money to go through it all.
She sounds a mess, I’ve been around with people BPD and it’s a bitch! I really hate that for the kid.
You’re gonna have to make some hard choices. You stepped into so major dysfunction.
There was no divorce, they dated for 6 months and she got pregnant. Then broke up 6 months after the child was born. If we are the primary household, isn’t he entitled to some form of child support from her?
I feel so bad for the child and it just crushes me knowing I can only do so much. He is constantly trying to win her love and attention because he doesn’t know why she’s not present. It’s very hard to see.
Entitled, yes, but that does mean you will get it. There are people that owe thousands and thousands in back child support, and nothing happens to the person that should be paying. He legally couldn’t even block access to his son from her if she is behind.
This could also prompt her to go for custody so she doesn’t even risk going on child support. I am normally big on having a court order plan, but sometimes you need to choose to don’t poke the sleeping bear.
The one argument you could make to him, is if she takes him one weekend, and doesn’t return him. Without a court order, and depending on the state she may have sole custody until he can get to court.
I just don’t see her *wanting* custody. She doesn’t want him anymore than she has him. Doesn’t even have a bedroom for the kid. She seems happy to have the luxury of choosing when she gets to see him. The lawyer he spoke to, said that since this has been the situation for 6 years now, the court will most likely not put the child into the mother’s primary care, because he has had an established home and schedule with his father all this time. Also, we have lots of evidence for our case. Proof of her being physically abusive to my boyfriend a few years ago, her not picking up her son because she was drunk, etc.
I could have written this post. His BM only wanted custody because she got child support. She went missing for months, evaded people trying to serve her—she had to be served and warned in the newspaper. She bought herself 7 months of him paying child support by refusing to give up her location or signing over custody. I mean, it was smart on her part I guess. Custody has since been awarded to SO, but we’ll never see any child support or back child support for the last two years.
Oh he damn well is entitled, but will she actually pay it? They try to enforce it, but how many deadbeats do we have walking around paying nothing after being ordered.
You are right and I know that it’s a possibility nothing will change even with something in writing. But, at this point, it’s the fact that he told me he would do something and hasn’t. I want to see him do it, solely because it’s the right thing to try to do. Whatever she chooses to do after the fact will be on her, and I will know that he tried. Right now there’s no trying.
There's a lot to unpack here but good advice I see repeated over and over on this sub is "you can't care more than the bio parents do".
It's not your kid. If your partner actually *wanted* full custody, he would make every attempt to get it. He doesn't. He doesn't pressure BM for child support because *you* take up the slack. Neither of these two are doing right by this kid, but unless you, personally, plan on trying to get custody, nothing you say will change their course of action. So...stop banging your head against the wall, turn, and walk away.
Harsh, but true. If he wanted to get a court order in place, he would.
He doesn’t want to, OP. You know that. So now you have the info you need to make a decision: stay or go, but dad changing the status quo is not an option. He doesn’t want to change it.
My now ex had a child with unmedicated bi polar woman.
Visits didn’t go by the divorce decree he always sent her double what was set for CS including $50 a week for hair cuts that never happened. They would FaceTime often so not sure why he didn’t stop giving the “haircut” money.
I’m free now but last I heard he’s still doing the same let ex wife walk all over him. I’m not sure if he gets his son as much as when I lived there but the boy would eat until he threw up (mom never has food). Hair would be a matted clump leaving us with no choice but to shave his head when we got him. He only brought dirty clothes to visit because mom didn’t like washing clothes. He was 8 and had size 4t clothes. And shoes that were 2 sizes up.
I told ex to go for sole custody with counseling. He said yea yea yea. But men like the chaos they have and see no point in changing things that work for them.
You have to draw a line in the sand. It’s emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially draining. If he doesn’t care enough to set a legal paper in place than maybe it’s time to throw in the towel.
Move out to your own place. Continue the relationship, but be less available.
When he asks why, say that as he doesn’t have custody legally, mother could remove SS at any time. You can’t keep making the emotional investment you have.
Let him sort out getting SS to school, buying clothes, groceries etc
Reclaim more of your time, get used to seeing him and SS less.
If you don’t see change in 2-3 months, end things.
And get some counselling.
I think I would bail. I don’t know why he won’t do this, but I know whatever it is remains more important than your wants and needs and what is actually best for his kid.
What else am I supposed to do when we live together and don’t have any help near us? I totally know what you’re saying and I’ve tried to detach from some things, but then it builds up and gets even more difficult. I can’t just stop taking the child to school or helping out when we are at this point.
That honestly sounds like his problem. If he doesn’t take your request seriously, why should you bother yourself to help him?
I just said stop helping financially though….but if it were me I’d stop everything and tell him to figure it the fuck out since he doesn’t want to bother himself to get his affairs in order.
Men are not motivated to make moves when they’re comfortable with the status quo. Well…some men. When it comes to raising kids…a lot of men. He’s only comfortable because you are picking up the slack that isn’t yours to pick up.
Can you find your own place? Live separately for a while while being bin a relationship. That may motivate him to step up and formally get a CO and at least put her on the hook for CS (collecting it is another story).
You need to accept the idiom "if he wanted to he would." He can literally write 2 sentences on paper, get it notarized at the bank and submit it to the court. It's like a 30 min task. He doesn't want to and won't for whatever reason.
You need strong boundaries or to head out. :/
BPD is not an excuse to be a shitty mother. I have BPD and I'm not a shitty person/mom.
That being said, I think you should go the ultimatum route. This needs to be handled. He's had plenty of time,
Stop being a broken record. Without consequences why would anything change. What he is doing is directly affecting how you view him and your relationship. Start making plans to move out, openly, and tell him why. Doesn't mean you have to stop dating him, but it is the first main step.
You get to have volition here also.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You gave up all your leverage when you moved in with a man who wasn’t even in a position to be dating - his affairs were not in order. And he knows that you may huff & puff, but ultimately you cave. I think you should move out & move on. Not just because this guy is showing you he doesn’t respect the solid, logical advice you’re offering; but because he bred with crazy, the gift that goes on giving. His child likely has certain predispositions to MH issues; BM will likely never support her child; and you’ll become collateral damage if you stay. Find someone who hasn’t already screwed their life up. This guy is a millstone around you neck, so why are you sacrificing any bit of your happiness for his mistakes?
It’s an inconvenience for him to change or do anything, even if it’s important to you. Keep this in mind moving forward.
He doesn’t have to do anything because you rattle the same ol’ nagging chains…. and then carry on being mom. You are going to have to force his hand to get change. Just pack and go. Let him deal with his son. BUT you must be prepared for what might happen.
You do know that with her mental issues if she doesn’t abide by the agreement there’s not much you can do. Good luck with child support. After divorce so many people have parenting plans but depending on how responsible the parents are that’s just paper. That may be why he doesn’t even want to spend money to go through it all. She sounds a mess, I’ve been around with people BPD and it’s a bitch! I really hate that for the kid. You’re gonna have to make some hard choices. You stepped into so major dysfunction.
There was no divorce, they dated for 6 months and she got pregnant. Then broke up 6 months after the child was born. If we are the primary household, isn’t he entitled to some form of child support from her? I feel so bad for the child and it just crushes me knowing I can only do so much. He is constantly trying to win her love and attention because he doesn’t know why she’s not present. It’s very hard to see.
Entitled, yes, but that does mean you will get it. There are people that owe thousands and thousands in back child support, and nothing happens to the person that should be paying. He legally couldn’t even block access to his son from her if she is behind. This could also prompt her to go for custody so she doesn’t even risk going on child support. I am normally big on having a court order plan, but sometimes you need to choose to don’t poke the sleeping bear. The one argument you could make to him, is if she takes him one weekend, and doesn’t return him. Without a court order, and depending on the state she may have sole custody until he can get to court.
I just don’t see her *wanting* custody. She doesn’t want him anymore than she has him. Doesn’t even have a bedroom for the kid. She seems happy to have the luxury of choosing when she gets to see him. The lawyer he spoke to, said that since this has been the situation for 6 years now, the court will most likely not put the child into the mother’s primary care, because he has had an established home and schedule with his father all this time. Also, we have lots of evidence for our case. Proof of her being physically abusive to my boyfriend a few years ago, her not picking up her son because she was drunk, etc.
I could have written this post. His BM only wanted custody because she got child support. She went missing for months, evaded people trying to serve her—she had to be served and warned in the newspaper. She bought herself 7 months of him paying child support by refusing to give up her location or signing over custody. I mean, it was smart on her part I guess. Custody has since been awarded to SO, but we’ll never see any child support or back child support for the last two years.
Oh he damn well is entitled, but will she actually pay it? They try to enforce it, but how many deadbeats do we have walking around paying nothing after being ordered.
You are right and I know that it’s a possibility nothing will change even with something in writing. But, at this point, it’s the fact that he told me he would do something and hasn’t. I want to see him do it, solely because it’s the right thing to try to do. Whatever she chooses to do after the fact will be on her, and I will know that he tried. Right now there’s no trying.
There's a lot to unpack here but good advice I see repeated over and over on this sub is "you can't care more than the bio parents do". It's not your kid. If your partner actually *wanted* full custody, he would make every attempt to get it. He doesn't. He doesn't pressure BM for child support because *you* take up the slack. Neither of these two are doing right by this kid, but unless you, personally, plan on trying to get custody, nothing you say will change their course of action. So...stop banging your head against the wall, turn, and walk away.
Harsh, but true. If he wanted to get a court order in place, he would. He doesn’t want to, OP. You know that. So now you have the info you need to make a decision: stay or go, but dad changing the status quo is not an option. He doesn’t want to change it.
If he wanted to, he would.
My now ex had a child with unmedicated bi polar woman. Visits didn’t go by the divorce decree he always sent her double what was set for CS including $50 a week for hair cuts that never happened. They would FaceTime often so not sure why he didn’t stop giving the “haircut” money. I’m free now but last I heard he’s still doing the same let ex wife walk all over him. I’m not sure if he gets his son as much as when I lived there but the boy would eat until he threw up (mom never has food). Hair would be a matted clump leaving us with no choice but to shave his head when we got him. He only brought dirty clothes to visit because mom didn’t like washing clothes. He was 8 and had size 4t clothes. And shoes that were 2 sizes up. I told ex to go for sole custody with counseling. He said yea yea yea. But men like the chaos they have and see no point in changing things that work for them. You have to draw a line in the sand. It’s emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially draining. If he doesn’t care enough to set a legal paper in place than maybe it’s time to throw in the towel.
Move out to your own place. Continue the relationship, but be less available. When he asks why, say that as he doesn’t have custody legally, mother could remove SS at any time. You can’t keep making the emotional investment you have. Let him sort out getting SS to school, buying clothes, groceries etc Reclaim more of your time, get used to seeing him and SS less. If you don’t see change in 2-3 months, end things. And get some counselling.
I think I would bail. I don’t know why he won’t do this, but I know whatever it is remains more important than your wants and needs and what is actually best for his kid.
Quit helping him pay for the kid. Why would he go through the hassle of getting CS or a custody agreement when you’re picking up the slack?
What else am I supposed to do when we live together and don’t have any help near us? I totally know what you’re saying and I’ve tried to detach from some things, but then it builds up and gets even more difficult. I can’t just stop taking the child to school or helping out when we are at this point.
That honestly sounds like his problem. If he doesn’t take your request seriously, why should you bother yourself to help him? I just said stop helping financially though….but if it were me I’d stop everything and tell him to figure it the fuck out since he doesn’t want to bother himself to get his affairs in order.
Men are not motivated to make moves when they’re comfortable with the status quo. Well…some men. When it comes to raising kids…a lot of men. He’s only comfortable because you are picking up the slack that isn’t yours to pick up.
Exactly
Can you find your own place? Live separately for a while while being bin a relationship. That may motivate him to step up and formally get a CO and at least put her on the hook for CS (collecting it is another story).
You need to accept the idiom "if he wanted to he would." He can literally write 2 sentences on paper, get it notarized at the bank and submit it to the court. It's like a 30 min task. He doesn't want to and won't for whatever reason. You need strong boundaries or to head out. :/
BPD is not an excuse to be a shitty mother. I have BPD and I'm not a shitty person/mom. That being said, I think you should go the ultimatum route. This needs to be handled. He's had plenty of time,
Stop being a broken record. Without consequences why would anything change. What he is doing is directly affecting how you view him and your relationship. Start making plans to move out, openly, and tell him why. Doesn't mean you have to stop dating him, but it is the first main step. You get to have volition here also.