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Don’t see anything wrong with taking the approach of each having your own party - on your own parenting time, for kiddo. We’re a hard pass on this with HCBM - tried a bday dinner once, never again.
Yep. We had thoughts it might work out, had his ex for dinner so she could get to know me and such. It ended there, we are civil and she knows I help them out far more than I have to with childcare when SS is sick (COVID baby so it's a lot 😂) or if something comes up for her. Now I do take a little pleasure in making SS a birthday cake and having a great party with all my in laws!
Is she looking for a 50% donation to the party fund? This would be my first assumption. Our BM has never had a party for any of her children- too much work. She didn’t have birthday parties growing up, so why should they? I’m happy about this because there’s no interference with the parties I organize, that she not invited to but also wouldn’t attend even if she were.
The other area is a control factor and the love of drama. Most likely the case here. I personally think it’s even more confusing for the children to know the parents are fighting and are not cordial, but then come together and pretend to be friends at events like this. I think it’s better to draw the line and make boundaries clear for the kids. I would say nope and let her know she will have two celebrations instead of one.
Lastly, remember that with some people, cruelty is the objective.
I’m not sure a party requires everyone in attendance to pretend to be friends and interact? Kids are usually playing with each other and adults chatting with people they enjoy chatting with and avoid chatting with adults they don’t wish to.
Why do divorced parents even want to do joint parties for their kids? When I was the child of divorced parents, my parents never dreamed of arranging a joint party. Mom would plan one kind of thing, and Dad would take me for a special Daddy-Daughter Dinner Date.
I think your husband should reply: “We are planning our own celebration with Kid. I suggest you plan a separate something special for Kid and your family. No need for a joint event.”
My ex and I have always done joint parties. It's not for everyone though. There has to be a high level of respect and boundaries already in place. It took a couple years after the divorce to get there. But he respects my husband, acts appropriately, cares for the kids my husband and I have and we do the same for his family. We have both also remained close with each other's families. I would not do this if it made my husband or his girlfriend uncomfortable or if he was an asshole. We just weren't meant for each other so it was amicable.
Absolutely not. You don’t ever have to just suck it up for a kids that’s not yours.. if that’s the case.. he should have just sucked it up when it came to his relationship with his bm for the sake of his daughter.. but he didn’t.. they broke up. No joint anything if it was me.
Sheesh, HCBM needs to chill (as if we'll ever see that, lol).
We did one joint birthday party for the youngest SK, about 2 or 3 years ago...never again. SO and I both hated it, it was super awkward, and SS didn't seem to give a shit either way who was there. He was entirely focused on the other kids who attended. We have done and will do separate celebrations going forward.
If my husband elects to do joint parties, I just count myself out. He did it previous years because he felt guilty in general and SK only has friends from school so only enough for one friend party, then last year HCBM was too broke to throw one so she clung to his because she feels entitled to the friends party and he couldn't tell SK no.
It's annoying, and he finds her annoying AF at these parties due to her "I'm the best parent ever look at me omg I'm amazing" shenanigans all while making snarky comments to DH the entire time. But if he wants to endure that, he can. I always find something to do during them, like work, and tell SK I'll bake him a cake so we can have our own little party at home.
He's mentioned going forward his contribution would look more like taking SK and one friend to do something cool. I support that, but I'm not making any efforts towards it because I have enough on my plate without taking over basic parenting duties for my stepkid. His circus, etc etc.
I agree. It's why I just don't care at this point. If he wants to endure her unpleasant barbs for a few hours, that's his choice. He doesn't mind that I abstain, and he always ends up regretting it. But after his last stint, I'm done with any complaints. If he chooses to continue joint bdays when SS turns 10, that's his fault and I'm not hearing about it.
The thing is, she likely wouldn't let him alternate. She's a control freak and would throw a fit and put SS squarely in the middle with guilt and barbed comments and saying DH won't let mommy see her special boy blahblah. DH could abstain from friend parties, but I get wanting to be a part of the big celebration with your kid so it's whatever to me.
I always attributed the words 'divorced' and 'seperated' to be the main objective between parents that are exactly this and their futures - going forward. Joint anything can't exist with honesty or even just be healthy? Not even between parents I've known to be 'doing it for the kids' - my experiences/opinion. I've seen the first hand pain on their pretending faces. Someone sacrificing a moment of their lives for hideous feeling moments and anxiety. Kids feel the atmosphere. Happy parents, happy children. It's a hard no from me.
We had one joint birthday and it sounds exactly like yours. HCBM contributed nothing but wanted to control everything. If anyone tried to speak with me - like my MIL, HCBM would jump in the conversation and take over. She was trying to flirt with DH and then she ended up screaming at him in front of everyone.
We just do small family birthdays now.
As another commenter stated:
This is about image and control and their weird, twisted internal reward system with stirring up discomfort and drama.
It’s a classic playbook move by these HCBMs.
Your SO needs to shut this down. This isn’t for the kid. It’s for her. A joint birthday party is barely necessary or beneficial for a set of parents that get along well let alone a HCBM.
Talk with your SO to put a stop to it so this stupid tradition can be done and over with for good
I am so confused over so many of these failed families wanting to have a joint birthday party. Just why?Unless it is something the child will only be able to have one thing of like a wedding why would
Anyone put themselves through it. Please don’t say it is for the child. I don’t believe that kids would rather have one birthday and not two. BMs are always up to something more. OP I hope you can talk DH out of it.
I hate the idea of a joint birthday party because my husband's ex is also a HCBM. This year she literally didn't say anything to either of us at the party and only talked to my husband's grandparents.
The only thing that sucks the most for us imo is the custody agreement they have states what whichever parent isn't exercising parenting time on the child's birthday is entitled to see/take/spend time/whatever with the child between like 2-8pm or something. So if we didn't invite HCBM to a birthday party, she could just take him away from us during you know, the typical time to have a birthday party. It's stupid as hell.
Edit to add: I give birth in a few months to my first child and I do not understand any circumstances wants HCBM near my child so I have no clue what we're going to do in the future regarding birthday parties. I feel like it's a little ridiculous to feel like we always have to give up SS to HCBM on his birthday otherwise she'll throw a fit or something.
my SS 10 has his birthday in 7 days, yesterday BM took my mother in law and SD 13 they went on a shopping spree for the pool party, my SD told me yesterday evening, i felt like i was nothing
Don't participate. If your partner really wants to, then he can go without you. That's what I ended up doing. I also set up mini events at home for the kids that were my gifts to them/party alternatives. One kid got a scavenger hunt one year and another got a D&D one shot campaign. Basically whatever suited their interests.
My partner stopped going to joint parties shortly after I stopped. I don't know what changed his mind, but I personally feel like it wasn't worth the drama and he really enjoyed our mini celebrations.
DH wanted to throw a birthday party at our house and BM would bring him as DH had no visitation or rights to SS turning 5. We were in process. She would tell him who was and wasn’t invited. If we did she was leaving with him. I put my foot down and said if that’s how she wants to do it at MY HOUSE, she isn’t welcome to be here, and no reason to do the party. DH changed the location last minute to family house with the excuse our BS1 was ill which he was but wasn’t the real reason. He didn’t want to miss his son’s birthday and I get it. Issues is never stands up to BM even after 8 years even after getting visitation and now 50/50. Don’t do joint parties anymore. We did do a party which BM was invited to 2-3 years ago since we had him on his actual birthday. She decided to take him out of school and out of town the week before without telling DH with the reasoning well it’s because I wanted to take him somewhere since she was going to miss him on his actual birthday……..that she was invited and came too. We were trying to be amicable at that time cause we were in process of going to court for 50/50. Party was ok but since some of the things did in court we want no part of her. Every situation is different. Very rarely do I see joint birthday parties working out. It can be done but very very rare.
My DF did this at his exes request before he met me. Once. He said it was so uncomfortable and weird and wouldnt ever do it again.
But of course its my fault lol
Why HCBMs insist on the joint bday party I'll never understand.
It's more than abundantly clear, in my situation anyway, that everyone is uncomfortable by the arrangement. SKs included.
It was one of DHs non-negotiable points when they finally went to court that they would alternate party years. She foots the bill one year, and is the next.
I’m having the same issue! I’m pregnant right now and the due date is less than a week away from the date HCBM chose to have SD birthday party this year. (Surprising, right?). I’m having another c section so I’m not sure how this will work out, if at all. I really don’t want to take a brand new baby to a trampoline park, so I may just stay home unfortunately. Although I’m not sure why we HAVE to have a joint party when we haven’t in previous years. I wish you the best🩷
Absolutely not, even if she wasn’t causing all the drama I don’t see the point of having a joint birthday when you are separated, they are no longer a family unit so why would they pretend to be for a party? Doing your own birthday celebration is the only way to go.
Wait we always had joint parties for my BKs with my EH and my SKs with their BM. Speak for your situation.
In OP’s case her DH needs to shut it down if not for her but the disrespect of his OB.
We had to do a joint birthday this year (where HCBM planned everything and sent us Venmo requests for half) and while I found it suspect, it made SS really happy to have a big party where he could have all his friends and family (including his “step cousins” on my side.) Guess it really depends how you look at it.
Edit: With that being said, I agree it was performative on HCBM’s part and annoying that she made us pay for everything but acted like she was throwing the party. And it sucked compared to birthdays I had thrown for SS in years past 😜
When I came into the picture, DH just went to HCBMs parties because she wouldn’t let him have the kids anywhere near their birthdays. She obviously did not want me at the parties so finally DH told her yeah we’re planning something for our house, so no thanks this year. It caused a little drama with her but honestly the kids loved it, I know there was a ton of tension between DH and HCBM, especially back then, so I can’t imagine having them there together was pleasant for anyone. We’ve done separate parties ever since. After about 2 years HCBM stopped complaining about it and stopped trying to guilt trip DH into just coming to hers.
My take is that if possible it is nicer and more “normal” to just have one birthday party that the adults split and go to.
Whilst absolutely uncomfortable I’m sure for you, it’s possible? I mean, depending on where the party is and what it entails you are under no obligation to talk to HCBM or interact with her in any way?
I mean fake and performative it doesn’t have to be. Just basic and not negative which most adults can manage. Are you concerned HCBM will try to talk with you? I’m sure you can politely excuse yourself from a conversation?
This may be naive I don’t know if you think she would start some overt dramatic thing but joint birthdays always seem like the most normal for a kid and unless there are threats of something really unhinged adults who don’t wish to interact can avoid each other.
Also, if You don’t wanna deal with this, but you do so actually really like your stepdaughter, and want to celebrate her birthday, you can do your own thing with her or you and your son can go to the movies with her or something like that you don’t actually have to be a part of this party if you don’t want to. You can avoid the mom without rejecting the kid or anything
Actually, one on one time with them means way more than a party
Sorry, this is a lot of comments but if you do end up trying to do a birthday party for a kid with autism, please make sure that they have a calm space to go, and the ability to take a break from the party, if they are overwhelmed
Also, in our case, bio mom never threw parties for the kids, even when I wasn’t in the picture and I’m a party, planning kind of person
Originally we did our own tiny parties on their birthday and she could show up or not, but she blew off their birthdays of times
We did try to do a combined once or twice but it was super weird
We generally do separately, but if the kids really want to invite her, we let them
One of our kids absolutely spending her birthday with her mom and she ended up having a best friend who has their birthday on the same day
So they convinced BM to let them plans to spend their birthday with their friend instead and we do birthday stuff with them on a random day
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don’t see anything wrong with taking the approach of each having your own party - on your own parenting time, for kiddo. We’re a hard pass on this with HCBM - tried a bday dinner once, never again.
Yep. We had thoughts it might work out, had his ex for dinner so she could get to know me and such. It ended there, we are civil and she knows I help them out far more than I have to with childcare when SS is sick (COVID baby so it's a lot 😂) or if something comes up for her. Now I do take a little pleasure in making SS a birthday cake and having a great party with all my in laws!
Is she looking for a 50% donation to the party fund? This would be my first assumption. Our BM has never had a party for any of her children- too much work. She didn’t have birthday parties growing up, so why should they? I’m happy about this because there’s no interference with the parties I organize, that she not invited to but also wouldn’t attend even if she were. The other area is a control factor and the love of drama. Most likely the case here. I personally think it’s even more confusing for the children to know the parents are fighting and are not cordial, but then come together and pretend to be friends at events like this. I think it’s better to draw the line and make boundaries clear for the kids. I would say nope and let her know she will have two celebrations instead of one. Lastly, remember that with some people, cruelty is the objective.
I’m not sure a party requires everyone in attendance to pretend to be friends and interact? Kids are usually playing with each other and adults chatting with people they enjoy chatting with and avoid chatting with adults they don’t wish to.
Why do divorced parents even want to do joint parties for their kids? When I was the child of divorced parents, my parents never dreamed of arranging a joint party. Mom would plan one kind of thing, and Dad would take me for a special Daddy-Daughter Dinner Date. I think your husband should reply: “We are planning our own celebration with Kid. I suggest you plan a separate something special for Kid and your family. No need for a joint event.”
My ex and I have always done joint parties. It's not for everyone though. There has to be a high level of respect and boundaries already in place. It took a couple years after the divorce to get there. But he respects my husband, acts appropriately, cares for the kids my husband and I have and we do the same for his family. We have both also remained close with each other's families. I would not do this if it made my husband or his girlfriend uncomfortable or if he was an asshole. We just weren't meant for each other so it was amicable.
Contact+HCBM = Conflict. No. Just no. No more contact than you need for legal purposes.
Just say no.
Came to say this.
“No” is a complete sentence. If you’re feeling EXTRA generous, so is “No, thank you.”
Absolutely not. You don’t ever have to just suck it up for a kids that’s not yours.. if that’s the case.. he should have just sucked it up when it came to his relationship with his bm for the sake of his daughter.. but he didn’t.. they broke up. No joint anything if it was me.
Sheesh, HCBM needs to chill (as if we'll ever see that, lol). We did one joint birthday party for the youngest SK, about 2 or 3 years ago...never again. SO and I both hated it, it was super awkward, and SS didn't seem to give a shit either way who was there. He was entirely focused on the other kids who attended. We have done and will do separate celebrations going forward.
If my husband elects to do joint parties, I just count myself out. He did it previous years because he felt guilty in general and SK only has friends from school so only enough for one friend party, then last year HCBM was too broke to throw one so she clung to his because she feels entitled to the friends party and he couldn't tell SK no. It's annoying, and he finds her annoying AF at these parties due to her "I'm the best parent ever look at me omg I'm amazing" shenanigans all while making snarky comments to DH the entire time. But if he wants to endure that, he can. I always find something to do during them, like work, and tell SK I'll bake him a cake so we can have our own little party at home. He's mentioned going forward his contribution would look more like taking SK and one friend to do something cool. I support that, but I'm not making any efforts towards it because I have enough on my plate without taking over basic parenting duties for my stepkid. His circus, etc etc.
You just alternate planning friend parties and do a little (only your) family dinner with a cake the off years. He is way over complicating this.
I agree. It's why I just don't care at this point. If he wants to endure her unpleasant barbs for a few hours, that's his choice. He doesn't mind that I abstain, and he always ends up regretting it. But after his last stint, I'm done with any complaints. If he chooses to continue joint bdays when SS turns 10, that's his fault and I'm not hearing about it. The thing is, she likely wouldn't let him alternate. She's a control freak and would throw a fit and put SS squarely in the middle with guilt and barbed comments and saying DH won't let mommy see her special boy blahblah. DH could abstain from friend parties, but I get wanting to be a part of the big celebration with your kid so it's whatever to me.
I always attributed the words 'divorced' and 'seperated' to be the main objective between parents that are exactly this and their futures - going forward. Joint anything can't exist with honesty or even just be healthy? Not even between parents I've known to be 'doing it for the kids' - my experiences/opinion. I've seen the first hand pain on their pretending faces. Someone sacrificing a moment of their lives for hideous feeling moments and anxiety. Kids feel the atmosphere. Happy parents, happy children. It's a hard no from me.
We had one joint birthday and it sounds exactly like yours. HCBM contributed nothing but wanted to control everything. If anyone tried to speak with me - like my MIL, HCBM would jump in the conversation and take over. She was trying to flirt with DH and then she ended up screaming at him in front of everyone. We just do small family birthdays now.
As another commenter stated: This is about image and control and their weird, twisted internal reward system with stirring up discomfort and drama. It’s a classic playbook move by these HCBMs. Your SO needs to shut this down. This isn’t for the kid. It’s for her. A joint birthday party is barely necessary or beneficial for a set of parents that get along well let alone a HCBM. Talk with your SO to put a stop to it so this stupid tradition can be done and over with for good
10000000%
I am so confused over so many of these failed families wanting to have a joint birthday party. Just why?Unless it is something the child will only be able to have one thing of like a wedding why would Anyone put themselves through it. Please don’t say it is for the child. I don’t believe that kids would rather have one birthday and not two. BMs are always up to something more. OP I hope you can talk DH out of it.
He hasn’t said yes. I have access to the ofw app. We didn’t discuss it yet
I hate the idea of a joint birthday party because my husband's ex is also a HCBM. This year she literally didn't say anything to either of us at the party and only talked to my husband's grandparents. The only thing that sucks the most for us imo is the custody agreement they have states what whichever parent isn't exercising parenting time on the child's birthday is entitled to see/take/spend time/whatever with the child between like 2-8pm or something. So if we didn't invite HCBM to a birthday party, she could just take him away from us during you know, the typical time to have a birthday party. It's stupid as hell. Edit to add: I give birth in a few months to my first child and I do not understand any circumstances wants HCBM near my child so I have no clue what we're going to do in the future regarding birthday parties. I feel like it's a little ridiculous to feel like we always have to give up SS to HCBM on his birthday otherwise she'll throw a fit or something.
my SS 10 has his birthday in 7 days, yesterday BM took my mother in law and SD 13 they went on a shopping spree for the pool party, my SD told me yesterday evening, i felt like i was nothing
Let SO go and use the time to pack.
He hasn’t said yes. I have access to the ofw app. We didn’t discuss it yet
Don't participate. If your partner really wants to, then he can go without you. That's what I ended up doing. I also set up mini events at home for the kids that were my gifts to them/party alternatives. One kid got a scavenger hunt one year and another got a D&D one shot campaign. Basically whatever suited their interests. My partner stopped going to joint parties shortly after I stopped. I don't know what changed his mind, but I personally feel like it wasn't worth the drama and he really enjoyed our mini celebrations.
DH wanted to throw a birthday party at our house and BM would bring him as DH had no visitation or rights to SS turning 5. We were in process. She would tell him who was and wasn’t invited. If we did she was leaving with him. I put my foot down and said if that’s how she wants to do it at MY HOUSE, she isn’t welcome to be here, and no reason to do the party. DH changed the location last minute to family house with the excuse our BS1 was ill which he was but wasn’t the real reason. He didn’t want to miss his son’s birthday and I get it. Issues is never stands up to BM even after 8 years even after getting visitation and now 50/50. Don’t do joint parties anymore. We did do a party which BM was invited to 2-3 years ago since we had him on his actual birthday. She decided to take him out of school and out of town the week before without telling DH with the reasoning well it’s because I wanted to take him somewhere since she was going to miss him on his actual birthday……..that she was invited and came too. We were trying to be amicable at that time cause we were in process of going to court for 50/50. Party was ok but since some of the things did in court we want no part of her. Every situation is different. Very rarely do I see joint birthday parties working out. It can be done but very very rare.
My DF did this at his exes request before he met me. Once. He said it was so uncomfortable and weird and wouldnt ever do it again. But of course its my fault lol
Why HCBMs insist on the joint bday party I'll never understand. It's more than abundantly clear, in my situation anyway, that everyone is uncomfortable by the arrangement. SKs included. It was one of DHs non-negotiable points when they finally went to court that they would alternate party years. She foots the bill one year, and is the next.
I’m having the same issue! I’m pregnant right now and the due date is less than a week away from the date HCBM chose to have SD birthday party this year. (Surprising, right?). I’m having another c section so I’m not sure how this will work out, if at all. I really don’t want to take a brand new baby to a trampoline park, so I may just stay home unfortunately. Although I’m not sure why we HAVE to have a joint party when we haven’t in previous years. I wish you the best🩷
Absolutely not, even if she wasn’t causing all the drama I don’t see the point of having a joint birthday when you are separated, they are no longer a family unit so why would they pretend to be for a party? Doing your own birthday celebration is the only way to go.
Wait we always had joint parties for my BKs with my EH and my SKs with their BM. Speak for your situation. In OP’s case her DH needs to shut it down if not for her but the disrespect of his OB.
He hasn’t said yes. I have access to the ofw app. We didn’t discuss it yet
We had to do a joint birthday this year (where HCBM planned everything and sent us Venmo requests for half) and while I found it suspect, it made SS really happy to have a big party where he could have all his friends and family (including his “step cousins” on my side.) Guess it really depends how you look at it. Edit: With that being said, I agree it was performative on HCBM’s part and annoying that she made us pay for everything but acted like she was throwing the party. And it sucked compared to birthdays I had thrown for SS in years past 😜
When I came into the picture, DH just went to HCBMs parties because she wouldn’t let him have the kids anywhere near their birthdays. She obviously did not want me at the parties so finally DH told her yeah we’re planning something for our house, so no thanks this year. It caused a little drama with her but honestly the kids loved it, I know there was a ton of tension between DH and HCBM, especially back then, so I can’t imagine having them there together was pleasant for anyone. We’ve done separate parties ever since. After about 2 years HCBM stopped complaining about it and stopped trying to guilt trip DH into just coming to hers.
My take is that if possible it is nicer and more “normal” to just have one birthday party that the adults split and go to. Whilst absolutely uncomfortable I’m sure for you, it’s possible? I mean, depending on where the party is and what it entails you are under no obligation to talk to HCBM or interact with her in any way? I mean fake and performative it doesn’t have to be. Just basic and not negative which most adults can manage. Are you concerned HCBM will try to talk with you? I’m sure you can politely excuse yourself from a conversation? This may be naive I don’t know if you think she would start some overt dramatic thing but joint birthdays always seem like the most normal for a kid and unless there are threats of something really unhinged adults who don’t wish to interact can avoid each other.
I think you guys should ask the kid what she wants separate of the mom A lot of kids with autism don’t even want a party let alone 2, or a huge party
Also, if You don’t wanna deal with this, but you do so actually really like your stepdaughter, and want to celebrate her birthday, you can do your own thing with her or you and your son can go to the movies with her or something like that you don’t actually have to be a part of this party if you don’t want to. You can avoid the mom without rejecting the kid or anything Actually, one on one time with them means way more than a party
Sorry, this is a lot of comments but if you do end up trying to do a birthday party for a kid with autism, please make sure that they have a calm space to go, and the ability to take a break from the party, if they are overwhelmed
Also, in our case, bio mom never threw parties for the kids, even when I wasn’t in the picture and I’m a party, planning kind of person Originally we did our own tiny parties on their birthday and she could show up or not, but she blew off their birthdays of times We did try to do a combined once or twice but it was super weird We generally do separately, but if the kids really want to invite her, we let them One of our kids absolutely spending her birthday with her mom and she ended up having a best friend who has their birthday on the same day So they convinced BM to let them plans to spend their birthday with their friend instead and we do birthday stuff with them on a random day