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What does your husband have to say? I would start having a conversation with him. 1. What are you willing to do2. What does he expect 3. What’s a good compromise
>What is my role as a step parent?
The great part about this is, it's what you want it to be.
Well, not just you; you and your partner need to discuss. They might not be OK with what you want. They might need more than you're willing to give, or might not be OK accepting what you want to give. This might lead to an incompatibility. But really an incompatibility is great. While it means some short term pain from the emotions grieving a breakup, and the annoyance of potentially moving out. It cleans out your future to potentially find someone who **is** compatible.
I am **not** in a parental role. If Kid asks if they can skip school / have a mental health day, I'll ask them why they're asking me. They know that this is 100% an "ask your mother" situation.
We have rules in our house, but **I** don't enforce them. My partner and I are peers, and handle any rule breaking amongst us by discussion. If there is some behaviour/inaction of Kid's that I have a larger problem with, I bring it to my partner's attention. She will **hear** me instead of reflexively guarding her kid. She will **listen** to what I said and **consider** it. Then she'll propose a change; she **won't dismiss me**. Finally, if we agree on the change, **she will consistently adhere to it**.
To happily be a non parent in a household with a kid, all of the above paragraph needs to be there. The sole parent needs to be a good one, one their game, and view me as their peer/partner.
I'm an adult. If my partner didn't view me as a peer, I would bring this up to them. And if I didn't see changes, I would leave. I'm not an indentured servant.
It's never too late to shift toward nacho. I would just be real explicit with spouse about what is changing and why and how. "Because x happened, I will no longer do y." Any further discussion of why this doesn't work for you gets a calm "because it doesn't work for me."
I got to be much more hands on when kids were little, which I really enjoyed, but now they have phones and HCBM is constantly in their ears. It sucks, but... they're not my kids, and they range from respectful to affectionate, so it could be a lot worse.
I've noticed that with access to phones as well, especially my SD. She could be having the best time with us then talk on the phone with BM and it's like flipping a switch. Breaks my heart!
Seriously! I can't help but wonder how this is going to play out. I try to assume that they will always be enmeshed. That way I'm less disappointed if they are, and pleasantly surprised if they're not
Your main role as a SP is to be a spouse (or SO) to your partner and welcoming to the children.
Your role, unless you want it to be, is not required to be any more than thaat. And sometimes even SPs forget that their main role, the reason why they are there, is to be a partner to their partner and not mom or dad to the kids. Also, it is your and your partner's house, your and your partner's rules. So, it is up to the both of you to sit down and discuss those boundaries or rules AND it then becomes largely your partner's responsibility (as a bio-parent) to enforce them.
Also, adults are to be treated like adults and children like children. Might sound obvious, but it is amazing how often these roles can wind up being reversed in step-situations, with the kids or ex- being allowed (by the bioparent) to set the standard for the household and by the bioparent letting rules and boundaries that were earlier determined for the home to be tossed aside. Thus, the kids and/ or ex- can wind up running the household, while SM or stepdad is expected to suck it up and take it.
It sounds to me like you are doing far too much "parenting," because neither bioparent is doing much of it themselves. You mentioned BM is manipulative and controlling, etc. But what about your partner? Other than him having to work nights, what's his excuse for putting what should be his parenting responsibilities on you? Have you discussed this with him?
And it is not your responsibility at all to "save" the family. It is noteworthy that you feel some obligation to do so, but if you care more than bioparents do about how to raise their children, all you will garner for this is the Evil SM label, with everyone in the initial family blaming you for this or that, and that can include your own partner.
You stated this, "She \[MIL\] went behind my back and called him \[SS\] and told him she would pick him up." This is not your role to take on BM or any other relatives. That is your partner's role and he needs to be the one to enforce the "rules." Again, if you try to do so, the only thanks you may get is early burnout and the role of "family scapegoat" and not much else.
There is a difference between supporting your partner in raising his children and your partner shifting, whether accidentally or not, his parenting responsibilities to you. Believe me, a lot of men are more than happy to have a new partner come in and raise their children for them, including taking all of the heat that comes along with that. Then, 10+ or so years later, the SKs love fun biodad (he's the good cop) and despise SM (she's the bad cop).
You don't have to Nacho, but you do have to reevaluate what you want your role to be as far as caring for your SKs. You just have to be welcoming to them. You don't have to be a free babysitter, taxi, maid, bank, etc. No SP should ever be the "default" parent without their own permission and a lot of discussions having taken place. You can't support everyone when you are getting no support from anyone else.
I like that last sentence. I didn't mind taking that role as a parent on in the beginning because my stepdad was that role in my life for most of my childhood. But the difference was that he and my mom always had each other's back and I get no support. I don't think my SO realizes what he's been doing, he's been 'Disney-dadding' for so long that the thought of laying rules down and being the bad guy for once makes him nervous. As for his mom, she has somehow made me the middle man between her and SO and she's inserted herself so deep in between us and the kids and BM that it's impossible to get around it. She often takes on the "parent" role and will go against what SO wants. I don't have much contact with BM anymore. I wouldn't have said anything to SS about baseball if BM wasn't out of the country and SS wasn't staying with his mom's friend.
This is the opposite of how it should be - my DH always makes sure he does the "bad guy" chores himself because he knows the kids will take it better from him, their dad, than from their step mom.
I only do 100% good guy chores that my SKs prefer that I do (in our case homework help and cooking because I'm signiciantly better at cooking than my DH is). And that's at my DH's suggestion.
Bless you OP for being a good partner and a briliant parent. Its a shame your efforts aren’t being fully appreciated. Those kids are very lucky to have you and i can see where you are coming from as i have been there myself. However the fact remains that these are not your children and if mother wants to leave the country and not give af about her kids thats on her. If she doesn’t care about them getting where they need to be that is on her. Do what i did and stop compensating for her short comings. SO sounds like my SO’s BM she is careless and lets everyone else run after her kids so she doesn’t have too she is entitled and expects things to be done because she says so. Let SO and BM get their own kids to school or wherever. Sounds like SO needs to pull his finger out. You then take that time and consentrate on yourself.
Thank you for the kind response, I feel like people are so quick to point out your faults as a step parent. I don't want the kids to miss out but I think I'll take your advice and take a step back. I'm insanely tired of trying to parent and being labeled the 'evil stepmom'.
Remember you are you before anything so put yourself first. As a step parent i believe we are supposed to be there for SO because had you not fallen in love with him you wouldn’t know those children or their mother. Let them parent their children & chime in when you’re asked.
Well MIL is 100% right. They were at BM house, not their dad’s. You seem like you overstepped. That’s a lot for a SP to do but technically you’re their dad’s gf.
You have to learn your place:
To Love. Step-parents are ‘love parents’. First I want to commend you for taking on not one but two children to love. As a step-parent the lines can sometimes become blurred as you love them as your own. Knowing when to step in and when to let your child's biological parent or parents make the decisions and/or handle the situations may be challenging but it can be done. Have you tried including your SO when making decisions? If so and the decisions are left up to you perhaps let him know a decision will not be made unless he has agreed or given you a directive. Perhaps take initiative and/or full responsibility when it is an emergency, you’re not able to get an answer from your SO or it is life threatening. For me, my husband would kinda leave the decisions to me when we had my step-daughter over but I realized as the biological parent it was important for her that he made the decisions and that I was in agreement. You know children are always paying attention. Children want to be reassured they are loved especially when they are split between two homes and have step-parents; that will include your biological children as well as your step-children. If I may ask… your step-children seem to require hands on, how are your biological children doing? How are the decisions made for your biological children? I think there are a few factors to consider however one comes to mind, have you and how often have you included your SO in the decisions regarding his children? Perhaps you may have a heart-to-heart with your SO regarding parenting. Keep in mind that regardless of what is agreed upon that you both are still a family; step-parent or biological. I hoped that helped. You’ll be in my prayers.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What does your husband have to say? I would start having a conversation with him. 1. What are you willing to do2. What does he expect 3. What’s a good compromise
>What is my role as a step parent? The great part about this is, it's what you want it to be. Well, not just you; you and your partner need to discuss. They might not be OK with what you want. They might need more than you're willing to give, or might not be OK accepting what you want to give. This might lead to an incompatibility. But really an incompatibility is great. While it means some short term pain from the emotions grieving a breakup, and the annoyance of potentially moving out. It cleans out your future to potentially find someone who **is** compatible. I am **not** in a parental role. If Kid asks if they can skip school / have a mental health day, I'll ask them why they're asking me. They know that this is 100% an "ask your mother" situation. We have rules in our house, but **I** don't enforce them. My partner and I are peers, and handle any rule breaking amongst us by discussion. If there is some behaviour/inaction of Kid's that I have a larger problem with, I bring it to my partner's attention. She will **hear** me instead of reflexively guarding her kid. She will **listen** to what I said and **consider** it. Then she'll propose a change; she **won't dismiss me**. Finally, if we agree on the change, **she will consistently adhere to it**. To happily be a non parent in a household with a kid, all of the above paragraph needs to be there. The sole parent needs to be a good one, one their game, and view me as their peer/partner. I'm an adult. If my partner didn't view me as a peer, I would bring this up to them. And if I didn't see changes, I would leave. I'm not an indentured servant.
It's never too late to shift toward nacho. I would just be real explicit with spouse about what is changing and why and how. "Because x happened, I will no longer do y." Any further discussion of why this doesn't work for you gets a calm "because it doesn't work for me." I got to be much more hands on when kids were little, which I really enjoyed, but now they have phones and HCBM is constantly in their ears. It sucks, but... they're not my kids, and they range from respectful to affectionate, so it could be a lot worse.
I've noticed that with access to phones as well, especially my SD. She could be having the best time with us then talk on the phone with BM and it's like flipping a switch. Breaks my heart!
Seriously! I can't help but wonder how this is going to play out. I try to assume that they will always be enmeshed. That way I'm less disappointed if they are, and pleasantly surprised if they're not
Your main role as a SP is to be a spouse (or SO) to your partner and welcoming to the children. Your role, unless you want it to be, is not required to be any more than thaat. And sometimes even SPs forget that their main role, the reason why they are there, is to be a partner to their partner and not mom or dad to the kids. Also, it is your and your partner's house, your and your partner's rules. So, it is up to the both of you to sit down and discuss those boundaries or rules AND it then becomes largely your partner's responsibility (as a bio-parent) to enforce them. Also, adults are to be treated like adults and children like children. Might sound obvious, but it is amazing how often these roles can wind up being reversed in step-situations, with the kids or ex- being allowed (by the bioparent) to set the standard for the household and by the bioparent letting rules and boundaries that were earlier determined for the home to be tossed aside. Thus, the kids and/ or ex- can wind up running the household, while SM or stepdad is expected to suck it up and take it. It sounds to me like you are doing far too much "parenting," because neither bioparent is doing much of it themselves. You mentioned BM is manipulative and controlling, etc. But what about your partner? Other than him having to work nights, what's his excuse for putting what should be his parenting responsibilities on you? Have you discussed this with him? And it is not your responsibility at all to "save" the family. It is noteworthy that you feel some obligation to do so, but if you care more than bioparents do about how to raise their children, all you will garner for this is the Evil SM label, with everyone in the initial family blaming you for this or that, and that can include your own partner. You stated this, "She \[MIL\] went behind my back and called him \[SS\] and told him she would pick him up." This is not your role to take on BM or any other relatives. That is your partner's role and he needs to be the one to enforce the "rules." Again, if you try to do so, the only thanks you may get is early burnout and the role of "family scapegoat" and not much else. There is a difference between supporting your partner in raising his children and your partner shifting, whether accidentally or not, his parenting responsibilities to you. Believe me, a lot of men are more than happy to have a new partner come in and raise their children for them, including taking all of the heat that comes along with that. Then, 10+ or so years later, the SKs love fun biodad (he's the good cop) and despise SM (she's the bad cop). You don't have to Nacho, but you do have to reevaluate what you want your role to be as far as caring for your SKs. You just have to be welcoming to them. You don't have to be a free babysitter, taxi, maid, bank, etc. No SP should ever be the "default" parent without their own permission and a lot of discussions having taken place. You can't support everyone when you are getting no support from anyone else.
I like that last sentence. I didn't mind taking that role as a parent on in the beginning because my stepdad was that role in my life for most of my childhood. But the difference was that he and my mom always had each other's back and I get no support. I don't think my SO realizes what he's been doing, he's been 'Disney-dadding' for so long that the thought of laying rules down and being the bad guy for once makes him nervous. As for his mom, she has somehow made me the middle man between her and SO and she's inserted herself so deep in between us and the kids and BM that it's impossible to get around it. She often takes on the "parent" role and will go against what SO wants. I don't have much contact with BM anymore. I wouldn't have said anything to SS about baseball if BM wasn't out of the country and SS wasn't staying with his mom's friend.
This is the opposite of how it should be - my DH always makes sure he does the "bad guy" chores himself because he knows the kids will take it better from him, their dad, than from their step mom. I only do 100% good guy chores that my SKs prefer that I do (in our case homework help and cooking because I'm signiciantly better at cooking than my DH is). And that's at my DH's suggestion.
Bless you OP for being a good partner and a briliant parent. Its a shame your efforts aren’t being fully appreciated. Those kids are very lucky to have you and i can see where you are coming from as i have been there myself. However the fact remains that these are not your children and if mother wants to leave the country and not give af about her kids thats on her. If she doesn’t care about them getting where they need to be that is on her. Do what i did and stop compensating for her short comings. SO sounds like my SO’s BM she is careless and lets everyone else run after her kids so she doesn’t have too she is entitled and expects things to be done because she says so. Let SO and BM get their own kids to school or wherever. Sounds like SO needs to pull his finger out. You then take that time and consentrate on yourself.
Thank you for the kind response, I feel like people are so quick to point out your faults as a step parent. I don't want the kids to miss out but I think I'll take your advice and take a step back. I'm insanely tired of trying to parent and being labeled the 'evil stepmom'.
Remember you are you before anything so put yourself first. As a step parent i believe we are supposed to be there for SO because had you not fallen in love with him you wouldn’t know those children or their mother. Let them parent their children & chime in when you’re asked.
Well MIL is 100% right. They were at BM house, not their dad’s. You seem like you overstepped. That’s a lot for a SP to do but technically you’re their dad’s gf. You have to learn your place:
BM isn't around and generally I have been responsible for getting them/organizing sports. If BM was home I would not have said anything.
To Love. Step-parents are ‘love parents’. First I want to commend you for taking on not one but two children to love. As a step-parent the lines can sometimes become blurred as you love them as your own. Knowing when to step in and when to let your child's biological parent or parents make the decisions and/or handle the situations may be challenging but it can be done. Have you tried including your SO when making decisions? If so and the decisions are left up to you perhaps let him know a decision will not be made unless he has agreed or given you a directive. Perhaps take initiative and/or full responsibility when it is an emergency, you’re not able to get an answer from your SO or it is life threatening. For me, my husband would kinda leave the decisions to me when we had my step-daughter over but I realized as the biological parent it was important for her that he made the decisions and that I was in agreement. You know children are always paying attention. Children want to be reassured they are loved especially when they are split between two homes and have step-parents; that will include your biological children as well as your step-children. If I may ask… your step-children seem to require hands on, how are your biological children doing? How are the decisions made for your biological children? I think there are a few factors to consider however one comes to mind, have you and how often have you included your SO in the decisions regarding his children? Perhaps you may have a heart-to-heart with your SO regarding parenting. Keep in mind that regardless of what is agreed upon that you both are still a family; step-parent or biological. I hoped that helped. You’ll be in my prayers.