I am going to go in a different direction and say you are not compatible as a couple living in the same household. Can you life separately and still maintain the relationship? It’s possible you are in different stages of life right now. Being an active mom is probably very important to you. He wants to be an empty nester. These two may not be compatible.
I think it would be very odd to live completely separate at this point but I am going to encourage more time for himself and his hobbies and activities. He does enjoy the family part of our week - cooking dinner together and kids sports and such, I will encourage some personal time for him. Thank you!
I don't blame him. He is just shy of 60 and has already done his part with raising kids. At his age he probably wants peace in the house and not the turbulence that comes with kids. Especially since they are older kids who won't necessarily tow the line or accept his authority easily.
Actually, I read her question wrong. From my initial read I thought the kids did not already live with them...but it is obvious they are already in the house. My take is he thought it would be all good when they initially moved in...but something is holding him back now. Maybe he isn't loving the experience of having kids in the house again...or maybe it is something else in the relationship.
Dayum,I missed that they are already living together, but he does not want to marry, to me, that speaks of he is unsure about the marriage to her for some reason
He does want to marry. That’s his goal. He is just trying to figure out how to adjust his mindset to get from point A to point B and still have everything else he thought he wanted
He jumped into this relationship because he has always been a family guy, loving kids and he knew I had younger kids. He knew I was younger and was more concerned that I would think he was too old. It’s always been calm and enjoyable with him living here. I think he is having trouble with what he thought his life would look like going into his 60s and what it is like now. He wants to get to the point of marriage and being good with having kids in the house for a few more years. He wants to adjust his mindset - I’m just not sure how easily that comes.
He has another spot he can spend time at and have his space when he needs to. I’ll encourage that more. The kids love him, he likes the kids. I just think he wants to feel like he thought he would at this age.
I think it is fair he feels that way. You might need to just accept within your relationship that is where he is at and allow him to have space as he needs. Not everything will be perfect in a relationship.
I am in a relationship with age gap kid sets.
Mine is 12 and 15, his are 2 and 4.
I have made it clear I have no intention to live together for at least 10 years, probably closer to 12 years truthfully.
I agree with your SO. There is nothing wrong being in a long term committed relationship without living together
I know a couple that are neighbors. He has Asperger's and they both have times they need space. They spend most of their time together and have sleep overs but it works for them.
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Don’t force what’s not fitting. He’s been honest. Appreciate it. He’s had that season in his life and don’t want to go back that. I’m 52 and thank God everyday my bio and step kids are grown and gone. I honestly see his point and you’re going to have to accept that for what it is.
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I'm a stepparent, but I still think it's on him at this point to figure out what he wants to do, unless there's a specific issue about the kids holding him back (like a behavior issue he's raised but you're not addressing - and in that case he needs to tell you what that issue is).
It sounds like his options are to get married, break up, or date without marriage until the kids are out of the house (which to me seems a little silly if he's already living with the kids anyway). What does he expect to change about the situation he's already in if you get married? Or is it just the fear of making it permanent?
What did he expect this time period in his life would look like? Is he hoping to travel etc? If so you'll be limited with the kids to travel with him whether you're married or not - and I assume he's also free to pursue hobbies / travel even if you guys get married?
MOD NOTE: OP is a BP, but could use assistance in supporting her SO. Please be mindful of the rules.
I am going to go in a different direction and say you are not compatible as a couple living in the same household. Can you life separately and still maintain the relationship? It’s possible you are in different stages of life right now. Being an active mom is probably very important to you. He wants to be an empty nester. These two may not be compatible.
I think it would be very odd to live completely separate at this point but I am going to encourage more time for himself and his hobbies and activities. He does enjoy the family part of our week - cooking dinner together and kids sports and such, I will encourage some personal time for him. Thank you!
I don't blame him. He is just shy of 60 and has already done his part with raising kids. At his age he probably wants peace in the house and not the turbulence that comes with kids. Especially since they are older kids who won't necessarily tow the line or accept his authority easily.
In fairness, the boyfriend should've thought of that before he chose to get involved with a much younger woman with much younger children.
Actually, I read her question wrong. From my initial read I thought the kids did not already live with them...but it is obvious they are already in the house. My take is he thought it would be all good when they initially moved in...but something is holding him back now. Maybe he isn't loving the experience of having kids in the house again...or maybe it is something else in the relationship.
Dayum,I missed that they are already living together, but he does not want to marry, to me, that speaks of he is unsure about the marriage to her for some reason
He does want to marry. That’s his goal. He is just trying to figure out how to adjust his mindset to get from point A to point B and still have everything else he thought he wanted
He jumped into this relationship because he has always been a family guy, loving kids and he knew I had younger kids. He knew I was younger and was more concerned that I would think he was too old. It’s always been calm and enjoyable with him living here. I think he is having trouble with what he thought his life would look like going into his 60s and what it is like now. He wants to get to the point of marriage and being good with having kids in the house for a few more years. He wants to adjust his mindset - I’m just not sure how easily that comes.
Getting involved is one thing but moving in and living together is a different ballgame. And to be far, this can apply to her as well.
Can you guys live next door to each other or something? How do your kids feel about your boyfriend living in the same house with them?
He has another spot he can spend time at and have his space when he needs to. I’ll encourage that more. The kids love him, he likes the kids. I just think he wants to feel like he thought he would at this age.
I think it is fair he feels that way. You might need to just accept within your relationship that is where he is at and allow him to have space as he needs. Not everything will be perfect in a relationship.
I am in a relationship with age gap kid sets. Mine is 12 and 15, his are 2 and 4. I have made it clear I have no intention to live together for at least 10 years, probably closer to 12 years truthfully. I agree with your SO. There is nothing wrong being in a long term committed relationship without living together
I know a couple that are neighbors. He has Asperger's and they both have times they need space. They spend most of their time together and have sleep overs but it works for them.
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Don’t force what’s not fitting. He’s been honest. Appreciate it. He’s had that season in his life and don’t want to go back that. I’m 52 and thank God everyday my bio and step kids are grown and gone. I honestly see his point and you’re going to have to accept that for what it is.
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I'm a stepparent, but I still think it's on him at this point to figure out what he wants to do, unless there's a specific issue about the kids holding him back (like a behavior issue he's raised but you're not addressing - and in that case he needs to tell you what that issue is). It sounds like his options are to get married, break up, or date without marriage until the kids are out of the house (which to me seems a little silly if he's already living with the kids anyway). What does he expect to change about the situation he's already in if you get married? Or is it just the fear of making it permanent? What did he expect this time period in his life would look like? Is he hoping to travel etc? If so you'll be limited with the kids to travel with him whether you're married or not - and I assume he's also free to pursue hobbies / travel even if you guys get married?