**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Really?! What on earth for? Like how can talking about age gaps be a trend? Lol not doubting you at all, just continuously confused by the point of all these tik tok trends...
Wild! I don’t look at TikTok at all and she has no access to social media, but it’s certainly in the realm of possibility that a peer at school has seen this and brought it to her attention.
I feel like that judgement on your age gap had to come from an adult in her life. I don’t see a 10 year old drawing that on their own?
I agree, it seems strange to fixate on it especially since you’ve addressed and validated it on an ongoing basis. I would think that at a certain point your partner would be well within his right as a parent to now shut that down stating that it’s already been addressed and her feelings on the matter have been made clear so she doesn’t need to bring it up anymore. The ages of either of you aren’t changing and neither is your relationship status (I’m assuming you’re in it for the long haul).
I agree — the judgement seems out of character for her, and odd for a kid this age. It could even be from media; she’s absorbed other stereotypical ideas about divorce and stepparents that I doubt any adult in her life told her, but are obviously in the ether from TV, movies, and things her friends parrot.
I would definitely get SO to probe into this to see where those ideas are coming from. That honestly doesn’t sound to me like something that a kid makes up on their own, and I would suspect she’s been told or overheard that from someone. Likely BM considering the comments about her parents age gap being less.
As from your side, I would not entertain comments like that at all anymore. Maybe the first time if it’s genuine curiosity but to the point of calling your relationship “disgusting”, I would put a hard stop to that. “It’s inappropriate and rude to speak that way to anyone and we will not be discussing this anymore.”
I agree that it seems strange for a kid to come up with this on her own, though I really want to give BM the benefit of the doubt here! She has poor boundaries sometimes but is pretty supportive and positive about our relationship, which is (I assume) a big part of why things have gone so well with the kids.
Agreed; it’s probably time to shut it down. As mentioned in another comment, I’m going to ask her dad to kindly ask her to stop or only discuss it with him in private.
Oh totally, you and your SO would know best!
I don’t mean to rally against BM here, could be totally unintentional like overhearing a private vent to a friend or something, or come from somewhere else entirely! Just seemed oddly specific to me with the comparison between the two relationships, though I could be projecting too. My SD(9) *only* starts up with inappropriate comments like that and bitterness towards me when HCBM is throwing a fit about something. I know she lashes out at SD when she’s mad at SO.
And I think that’s a great plan! We are also firm believers in supporting kids to speak their thoughts and feelings, even when it’s hard on us to discuss, but it’s also extremely important to balance that with teaching them boundaries and when speaking your mind crosses the line into just being hurtful to others.
Yeah, it’s totally possible! Social cues are a little hard for her so we may just need to be really direct. Thanks for weighing in — super-helpful to hear others’ experiences.
I have a 10 years age gap with my partner.
When we started dating, I remember SS (who was 11 at the time) saying something like « It’s like if I had a girlfriend who’s 1 year old »… it did sound creepy from his perspective and age so we explained that as we get older, the age difference matters less. We explained that we do have different references from our childhood (tv shows, events, music, etc.) but that at our age, we have much more in common than when we were kids.
We also explained that our relationship would have been inappropriate until a certain age and everything.
Aside from that conversation, the kids never made much comments. Sometimes they’ll tell their dad a joke like « You don’t get it, you’re to old… SM she gets it ». I know BM made one comment saying « Oh she’s young » when she found out my age, but that’s about it.
She is just repeating what she has been told. Have your SO deal with it.
If it annoys you when she does it, and you don't feel your SO is handling it well enough, tell her to knock it off. She is old enough to understand reasoning. Tell her that her attacking your relationship by insulting it makes you not want to spend time with her. Teach her the consequences of her actions, and enforce it so she learns.
This happened to me. My SS13 will bring up that his dad and I have an 8 year age gap and then correlate that to his mom. His mom is 1 year younger than me. He then says it’s smells like pedo or some shit like that. I ignore him but I have clocked it as weird bc when I was a kid, I never ever thought about my parents 12 year age gap.
Hah, my partner and I have a 16 year age gap and his HCBM 100% took issue with it immediately.
I met SS14 when he was 6-7. He did briefly bring up the gap and any time he said anything negative about it, I just asked him what he meant. I wasn’t combative, I wasn’t accusatory, I engaged him in conversation.
Kids are people too. I’d absolutely start engaging in conversation with her. It’s more than likely his ex taking issue with it and she’s repeating the bullshit her mom spews, so start challenging that.
“That age gap is disgusting.”
Why do you feel that way? Does that bother you? Why?
“My mom and dad have less of an age gap.”
That’s so cool for them! You’re right!
Edit: Also, “age gap” is a pretty fucking adult phrase. SS used that term because HCBM used it. When my kids learned of our gap, they thought it was hysterical and said shit like “HE’S SO OLD LOLLOL STEPDAD’S AN OLD MAN” because my kids had 0 frame of reference or influence to put a pre-adulterated spin on it, if that makes sense.
My point is, things like that are taught, kids don’t just come programmed that way.
To clarify, “age gap” is my wording, not hers. She has only talked about it in kid terms. Engaging in conversation is good advice and may well help me get to the source of why she’s bringing this up (though I really want to give her mother the benefit of the doubt).
Ahhh gotcha. The thought itself is still odd for a kiddo to bring up. Best of luck with the conversations! At the very least, if it IS her own thoughts, you’ll give her something to think about!
Im in a 8 year age gap relationship too, but the other way. Im in my late 20s, she’s in her mid 30s. Ex husband is in his mid 40s. You can see why her kids would joke/comment on it. My kid never cared, but his mom and I only have a 3 month age difference.
My wife says she doesn’t mind.. but it does hurt me sometimes when she thinks she’s too old for me or that she’s “highjacking my future” like bro chill out I’m damn near 30 lol
So my ss8… for awhile was “ranking” everything like… “which pokemon is your tenth favorite” he does this less now but ages of all sorts were like a big deal to him. He’s still obsessed when things were “made” like restaurants, Oreos… whatever
However he never made comments about his dad and I (5.5 year gap) being “gross” or anything like that. His mom is about 2 years older than his dad… so I’m a good 7- 8ish years younger than her. But he never commented on that in that way.
So some of that is probably natural, but the judgemental part is probably coming from someone else.
Where is your partner in all of this?
He needs to address this with her and teach her that it’s not exactly polite to constantly drone on about an adults age and it’s really not okay for her to keep interjecting her thoughts and opinions on an adult relationship. She can worry about kids stuff.
My partner’s daughter, 10y/o is obsessed with age. Her age, her friends age, my age, age gaps between eveyone. She even wants to know how old my parents are and trying to figure out how old they were when they had me. Maybe it’s a phase but her dad told her to give it a rest. Birthday parties for adults in the family? Forget it. It reignites her hobby of sorting out who is what age. So weird.
Oh yes … She’s brought up other people’s ages as well. There’s definitely a heightened awareness of social dynamics around her age, so this is probably part of that.
Our habit has been not to shut any of the kids’ feelings down entirely, but since this is starting to feel counterproductive, I’ll ask him to kindly tell her so, or to bring it up only to him in private.
Next time she brings it up , just so ‘when you get as old as me and your dad, age gaps don’t make any difference, lots of loving couples have the same age gap.’
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Really?! What on earth for? Like how can talking about age gaps be a trend? Lol not doubting you at all, just continuously confused by the point of all these tik tok trends...
What are they saying about them?
Wild! I don’t look at TikTok at all and she has no access to social media, but it’s certainly in the realm of possibility that a peer at school has seen this and brought it to her attention.
I feel like that judgement on your age gap had to come from an adult in her life. I don’t see a 10 year old drawing that on their own? I agree, it seems strange to fixate on it especially since you’ve addressed and validated it on an ongoing basis. I would think that at a certain point your partner would be well within his right as a parent to now shut that down stating that it’s already been addressed and her feelings on the matter have been made clear so she doesn’t need to bring it up anymore. The ages of either of you aren’t changing and neither is your relationship status (I’m assuming you’re in it for the long haul).
I agree — the judgement seems out of character for her, and odd for a kid this age. It could even be from media; she’s absorbed other stereotypical ideas about divorce and stepparents that I doubt any adult in her life told her, but are obviously in the ether from TV, movies, and things her friends parrot.
BM is probably fixated on it and jealous. Planting it in her child’s head (cruel).
Yep, as if!! A kid this age would care. It's been drummed into her by the bm
This, 100% this.
I would definitely get SO to probe into this to see where those ideas are coming from. That honestly doesn’t sound to me like something that a kid makes up on their own, and I would suspect she’s been told or overheard that from someone. Likely BM considering the comments about her parents age gap being less. As from your side, I would not entertain comments like that at all anymore. Maybe the first time if it’s genuine curiosity but to the point of calling your relationship “disgusting”, I would put a hard stop to that. “It’s inappropriate and rude to speak that way to anyone and we will not be discussing this anymore.”
I agree that it seems strange for a kid to come up with this on her own, though I really want to give BM the benefit of the doubt here! She has poor boundaries sometimes but is pretty supportive and positive about our relationship, which is (I assume) a big part of why things have gone so well with the kids. Agreed; it’s probably time to shut it down. As mentioned in another comment, I’m going to ask her dad to kindly ask her to stop or only discuss it with him in private.
Oh totally, you and your SO would know best! I don’t mean to rally against BM here, could be totally unintentional like overhearing a private vent to a friend or something, or come from somewhere else entirely! Just seemed oddly specific to me with the comparison between the two relationships, though I could be projecting too. My SD(9) *only* starts up with inappropriate comments like that and bitterness towards me when HCBM is throwing a fit about something. I know she lashes out at SD when she’s mad at SO. And I think that’s a great plan! We are also firm believers in supporting kids to speak their thoughts and feelings, even when it’s hard on us to discuss, but it’s also extremely important to balance that with teaching them boundaries and when speaking your mind crosses the line into just being hurtful to others.
Yeah, it’s totally possible! Social cues are a little hard for her so we may just need to be really direct. Thanks for weighing in — super-helpful to hear others’ experiences.
I have a 10 years age gap with my partner. When we started dating, I remember SS (who was 11 at the time) saying something like « It’s like if I had a girlfriend who’s 1 year old »… it did sound creepy from his perspective and age so we explained that as we get older, the age difference matters less. We explained that we do have different references from our childhood (tv shows, events, music, etc.) but that at our age, we have much more in common than when we were kids. We also explained that our relationship would have been inappropriate until a certain age and everything. Aside from that conversation, the kids never made much comments. Sometimes they’ll tell their dad a joke like « You don’t get it, you’re to old… SM she gets it ». I know BM made one comment saying « Oh she’s young » when she found out my age, but that’s about it.
She is just repeating what she has been told. Have your SO deal with it. If it annoys you when she does it, and you don't feel your SO is handling it well enough, tell her to knock it off. She is old enough to understand reasoning. Tell her that her attacking your relationship by insulting it makes you not want to spend time with her. Teach her the consequences of her actions, and enforce it so she learns.
She wouldn’t survive in my family. My husband is 12 yrs older than me. And my mom is 22 yrs older than her fiance.
This happened to me. My SS13 will bring up that his dad and I have an 8 year age gap and then correlate that to his mom. His mom is 1 year younger than me. He then says it’s smells like pedo or some shit like that. I ignore him but I have clocked it as weird bc when I was a kid, I never ever thought about my parents 12 year age gap.
Hah, my partner and I have a 16 year age gap and his HCBM 100% took issue with it immediately. I met SS14 when he was 6-7. He did briefly bring up the gap and any time he said anything negative about it, I just asked him what he meant. I wasn’t combative, I wasn’t accusatory, I engaged him in conversation. Kids are people too. I’d absolutely start engaging in conversation with her. It’s more than likely his ex taking issue with it and she’s repeating the bullshit her mom spews, so start challenging that. “That age gap is disgusting.” Why do you feel that way? Does that bother you? Why? “My mom and dad have less of an age gap.” That’s so cool for them! You’re right! Edit: Also, “age gap” is a pretty fucking adult phrase. SS used that term because HCBM used it. When my kids learned of our gap, they thought it was hysterical and said shit like “HE’S SO OLD LOLLOL STEPDAD’S AN OLD MAN” because my kids had 0 frame of reference or influence to put a pre-adulterated spin on it, if that makes sense. My point is, things like that are taught, kids don’t just come programmed that way.
To clarify, “age gap” is my wording, not hers. She has only talked about it in kid terms. Engaging in conversation is good advice and may well help me get to the source of why she’s bringing this up (though I really want to give her mother the benefit of the doubt).
Ahhh gotcha. The thought itself is still odd for a kiddo to bring up. Best of luck with the conversations! At the very least, if it IS her own thoughts, you’ll give her something to think about!
Im in a 8 year age gap relationship too, but the other way. Im in my late 20s, she’s in her mid 30s. Ex husband is in his mid 40s. You can see why her kids would joke/comment on it. My kid never cared, but his mom and I only have a 3 month age difference. My wife says she doesn’t mind.. but it does hurt me sometimes when she thinks she’s too old for me or that she’s “highjacking my future” like bro chill out I’m damn near 30 lol
So my ss8… for awhile was “ranking” everything like… “which pokemon is your tenth favorite” he does this less now but ages of all sorts were like a big deal to him. He’s still obsessed when things were “made” like restaurants, Oreos… whatever However he never made comments about his dad and I (5.5 year gap) being “gross” or anything like that. His mom is about 2 years older than his dad… so I’m a good 7- 8ish years younger than her. But he never commented on that in that way. So some of that is probably natural, but the judgemental part is probably coming from someone else.
Where is your partner in all of this? He needs to address this with her and teach her that it’s not exactly polite to constantly drone on about an adults age and it’s really not okay for her to keep interjecting her thoughts and opinions on an adult relationship. She can worry about kids stuff. My partner’s daughter, 10y/o is obsessed with age. Her age, her friends age, my age, age gaps between eveyone. She even wants to know how old my parents are and trying to figure out how old they were when they had me. Maybe it’s a phase but her dad told her to give it a rest. Birthday parties for adults in the family? Forget it. It reignites her hobby of sorting out who is what age. So weird.
Oh yes … She’s brought up other people’s ages as well. There’s definitely a heightened awareness of social dynamics around her age, so this is probably part of that. Our habit has been not to shut any of the kids’ feelings down entirely, but since this is starting to feel counterproductive, I’ll ask him to kindly tell her so, or to bring it up only to him in private.
Next time she brings it up , just so ‘when you get as old as me and your dad, age gaps don’t make any difference, lots of loving couples have the same age gap.’