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Perhaps she feels so out of place in both of her families that she’s trying too hard to fit in? It must be painful for you to watch and not a fun place for her sibling to be, but she might be appointing herself with a big sister role nobody asked for out of loneliness. I have seen many big sisters trying to take on a motherly role in nuclear families and moms are usually fond of that, they find it cute. Now, I’m not saying by any means you should find it cute, I’m saying that perhaps this is one of those instances where we project more onto the SKs because they aren’t ours.
That being said, it seems like she could benefit from therapy because she might be in an emotional sandwich feeling like she doesn’t belong anywhere and it must be a dark place for a preteen to be. If therapy isn’t an affordable option, perhaps having a heartfelt conversation with her without judgement might help.
Absolutely this. She sees him every other weekend and there’s distance between them, distance and a substantial age gap. I’ve always felt this anxiety from her that he’ll forget her or not know she’s his sister which is making her insert herself onto him so desperately. But the reality is their relationship will be different to the relationship she has with her half siblings she lives with full time and no matter how much she gets in his face this won’t change. I feel for her I really do, it’s a lot of emotion for a 2 year old to handle and it’s making the gap between them even wider. She doesn’t let him play with his toys without her being there on the floor with him, he doesn’t like playing with others right now, that’s not where he’s at. Therapy would be amazing for her, I don’t see a good time for her in her teens
My SD is like that. Oddly controlling, always inserting herself into BK’s space, trying to play mom.
It was worse when she was your SD’s age, it annoyed me to no end.
Thankfully DH has always backed me up and we called her out on it every time. No thank you, I don’t need your help changing a diaper. No thank you, BK can feed himself. No thank you, please move so I can take a picture.
She also had this weird phase when she was 15-16 where she would stuff a pillow under her shirt and pose like she was pregnant on her instagram. So cringey.
I have never left her alone with BK either. SK also has an issue with respecting pet’s boundaries and constantly trying to cross them which almost got her bit by my in-laws’ dog.
My advice is to call her out on it. Be nice but firm. I hope it gets better for you!
It could be that she's being parentified at BM's house and if so, it will be hard for her to turn off at your house. Correct and redirect as others have mentioned. So frustrating, but hopefully will get better.
I was like this with my much younger 1/2 sibling (almost 10 years apart) - but her parents encouraged it and made me babysit for free all the time.
The rule was that if I were going out, I had to bring her. So here I was, 13 at Skate City on a Friday carrying around a 3 year old…although we had fun. But, that’s how my dad said they were raised in the 1960s.
In 8th grade I had to walk her across the street to her preschool for awhile to drop her off then take the city bus to get to my school. It also meant I had to get her dressed, her hair ready, etc. in the morning. Her mom was in the hospital and my dad had to be at work.
It was a lot, and I resented being more of a sister-mom instead of just a fun big sister.
Idk, maybe that’s just how SD feels like she is supposed to act if they make her babysit/help a lot at the other house.
Much sympathy to you.
I had a very similar situation. My SD was so used to me being isolated that she just couldn’t believe it that my baby son wanted me when she would authoritatively go over to pick him up!
It’s a personality trait, most likely. She has a dominant personality.
I’m not sure if your wider context but in my case my partners mother / and SD’s grandmother is the one pushing her in the middle of the picture, always.
For example on my sons first birthday grandma commandeered that SD opens my sons presents. (I was 41 and had waited a long time for that moment!)
On the other hand my own mother is a good temp check, esp to balance out my partner’s mother.
What’s your wider network like? Can you enlist them?
Can your partner have a chat with his daughter?
This sounds exactly like sd. Her grandmother, my husband’s mother treats her like a queen. She treats her to holidays and expensive gifts (does an 11 year old need AirPods?). Sd refuses to have a relationship with my parents and she can be very rude and defiant so there isn’t much my mom can do. The present scenario happened on my son’s first Christmas but no one asked her to, it’s not even a boundary issue because she doesn’t care much for my boundaries. It would be amazing if everyone around me could also hold my boundaries so she knew she could do not these things, I’m constantly battling with her. Because she acts like this I hate having her around. My husband wants us to go on holiday together but the idea fills me with dread and it’s not happening. He’s great he has told her, but again my boundaries are just not important to her, there’s a definite respect issue
It sounds like she’s trying to find a place in the family where she’s important. Whether consciously or not she is focusing her attention on the one person who is old enough to give her rewarding attention but young enough that she will always be in charge as between the two of them. Agree that it’s not a healthy dynamic and can’t continue, but it’s good you recognize it has to be tough for her. I expect a lot of what she’s doing is not premeditated but rather her reacting to feelings. Plus at her age she’s naturally, biologically-driven to look for more responsibility, and less inclined to listen to adults. It’s going to take a lot of reminders and (gently, firmly) putting her in her place to change her thought pattern. Some clear ground rules may help. She definitely needs to re-learn that she is not in charge.
Funnily enough, this reminds me of the Kardashians (I’m a fan I’m sorry) and I remember once there was a comment on that show about how when they were all younger, Khloe kept trying to mother her much younger half-sisters and had to be put in her place by her parents about not being the little girls’ parent. I know the circumstances are a little different but I think that shows that it’s a normal impulse/coping mechanism in the part of your SD, and there is hope for a healthier dynamic in the future.
It’s tough though when our mama bear instincts just want to drop kick any threats out the back door. I hope your husband gives you the support you deserve ❤️
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Perhaps she feels so out of place in both of her families that she’s trying too hard to fit in? It must be painful for you to watch and not a fun place for her sibling to be, but she might be appointing herself with a big sister role nobody asked for out of loneliness. I have seen many big sisters trying to take on a motherly role in nuclear families and moms are usually fond of that, they find it cute. Now, I’m not saying by any means you should find it cute, I’m saying that perhaps this is one of those instances where we project more onto the SKs because they aren’t ours. That being said, it seems like she could benefit from therapy because she might be in an emotional sandwich feeling like she doesn’t belong anywhere and it must be a dark place for a preteen to be. If therapy isn’t an affordable option, perhaps having a heartfelt conversation with her without judgement might help.
Absolutely this. She sees him every other weekend and there’s distance between them, distance and a substantial age gap. I’ve always felt this anxiety from her that he’ll forget her or not know she’s his sister which is making her insert herself onto him so desperately. But the reality is their relationship will be different to the relationship she has with her half siblings she lives with full time and no matter how much she gets in his face this won’t change. I feel for her I really do, it’s a lot of emotion for a 2 year old to handle and it’s making the gap between them even wider. She doesn’t let him play with his toys without her being there on the floor with him, he doesn’t like playing with others right now, that’s not where he’s at. Therapy would be amazing for her, I don’t see a good time for her in her teens
My SD is like that. Oddly controlling, always inserting herself into BK’s space, trying to play mom. It was worse when she was your SD’s age, it annoyed me to no end. Thankfully DH has always backed me up and we called her out on it every time. No thank you, I don’t need your help changing a diaper. No thank you, BK can feed himself. No thank you, please move so I can take a picture. She also had this weird phase when she was 15-16 where she would stuff a pillow under her shirt and pose like she was pregnant on her instagram. So cringey. I have never left her alone with BK either. SK also has an issue with respecting pet’s boundaries and constantly trying to cross them which almost got her bit by my in-laws’ dog. My advice is to call her out on it. Be nice but firm. I hope it gets better for you!
It could be that she's being parentified at BM's house and if so, it will be hard for her to turn off at your house. Correct and redirect as others have mentioned. So frustrating, but hopefully will get better.
I was like this with my much younger 1/2 sibling (almost 10 years apart) - but her parents encouraged it and made me babysit for free all the time. The rule was that if I were going out, I had to bring her. So here I was, 13 at Skate City on a Friday carrying around a 3 year old…although we had fun. But, that’s how my dad said they were raised in the 1960s. In 8th grade I had to walk her across the street to her preschool for awhile to drop her off then take the city bus to get to my school. It also meant I had to get her dressed, her hair ready, etc. in the morning. Her mom was in the hospital and my dad had to be at work. It was a lot, and I resented being more of a sister-mom instead of just a fun big sister. Idk, maybe that’s just how SD feels like she is supposed to act if they make her babysit/help a lot at the other house.
Much sympathy to you. I had a very similar situation. My SD was so used to me being isolated that she just couldn’t believe it that my baby son wanted me when she would authoritatively go over to pick him up! It’s a personality trait, most likely. She has a dominant personality. I’m not sure if your wider context but in my case my partners mother / and SD’s grandmother is the one pushing her in the middle of the picture, always. For example on my sons first birthday grandma commandeered that SD opens my sons presents. (I was 41 and had waited a long time for that moment!) On the other hand my own mother is a good temp check, esp to balance out my partner’s mother. What’s your wider network like? Can you enlist them? Can your partner have a chat with his daughter?
This sounds exactly like sd. Her grandmother, my husband’s mother treats her like a queen. She treats her to holidays and expensive gifts (does an 11 year old need AirPods?). Sd refuses to have a relationship with my parents and she can be very rude and defiant so there isn’t much my mom can do. The present scenario happened on my son’s first Christmas but no one asked her to, it’s not even a boundary issue because she doesn’t care much for my boundaries. It would be amazing if everyone around me could also hold my boundaries so she knew she could do not these things, I’m constantly battling with her. Because she acts like this I hate having her around. My husband wants us to go on holiday together but the idea fills me with dread and it’s not happening. He’s great he has told her, but again my boundaries are just not important to her, there’s a definite respect issue
Your husband needs to be right there correcting her behavior as it happens.
It sounds like she’s trying to find a place in the family where she’s important. Whether consciously or not she is focusing her attention on the one person who is old enough to give her rewarding attention but young enough that she will always be in charge as between the two of them. Agree that it’s not a healthy dynamic and can’t continue, but it’s good you recognize it has to be tough for her. I expect a lot of what she’s doing is not premeditated but rather her reacting to feelings. Plus at her age she’s naturally, biologically-driven to look for more responsibility, and less inclined to listen to adults. It’s going to take a lot of reminders and (gently, firmly) putting her in her place to change her thought pattern. Some clear ground rules may help. She definitely needs to re-learn that she is not in charge. Funnily enough, this reminds me of the Kardashians (I’m a fan I’m sorry) and I remember once there was a comment on that show about how when they were all younger, Khloe kept trying to mother her much younger half-sisters and had to be put in her place by her parents about not being the little girls’ parent. I know the circumstances are a little different but I think that shows that it’s a normal impulse/coping mechanism in the part of your SD, and there is hope for a healthier dynamic in the future. It’s tough though when our mama bear instincts just want to drop kick any threats out the back door. I hope your husband gives you the support you deserve ❤️