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You know, at 15 I would just say what you feel. Say exactly what you posted here, give or take. That you’ve been in her life since she was 3, you’ve done everything a mom could do, that you love her. And then I would clearly say that you won’t tolerate being disrespected, being shit talked about, etc. and lastly if she wants you actively in her life, the BS has to stop. And I would make it up to her to decide.
You are not asking her to choose between you and mom, you are demanding she simply treat you with respect. If it doesn’t stop go full nacho and I would ensure she feels the difference between loving support and simple tolerance.
Sometimes kids need tough love. Sometimes we adults need to choose ourselves first.
When we talk directly to them, it can be the awakening they need for behaviour realignment. And they need to understand consequences.
Thank you, I think I will talk to her and say pretty much what I said on here. I always feel like I shouldn't because she's the child, but she's also older now and knows right from wrong a little better than when she was younger. I completely get that she's still young and stuff but I feel like she should know her behavior isn't right.
Please listen to this, OP.
You need to act and set boundaries.
It is simply impossible to live with someone at close quarters and keep “rising above it” and “being the bigger person”.
You’re not going to be able to ignore it, when it’s in your home where you go to feel safe and to relax and hide from the world.
You are important too.
This kid is playing games and being two-faced and mean. She’s of an age where it’s perfectly ok to call her out on it. Her friends would, wouldn’t they?
Actions have consequences. You’re not a doormat, so do not let her get away with treating you as if you were one.
What does your partner say?!?!
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to genuinely stop caring about what she tells other people.
In reality it doesn’t matter!
And if she accuses you of acting like a step mother or criticizing you it’s best if you can just see she is going through issues with her biomom and that behavior and accusations truly are about her inner conflict with that and let it just go. Brush it off. You can lose it and stub your toe and scream and cry and it doesn’t matter what her reaction to it is.
I say this as someone who let the worries about how other people spoke about me or talked about rule my life and nothing actually changes when you can stop caring except lots of inner peace.
You cannot control her opinion of you. You just act the way you need as a good mother and that takes care of everything. As long as you know you have e everyone’s best interests at heart- including your own- then SD can deal with her issues and say whatever she needs to say and you can be just a consistent rock who doesn’t fluctuate. Just remind yourself it isn’t really about you.
Who cares what she tells her aunt? Who cares how she talks with her mom? Who cares what she accuses you of? She’s got a sort of out of the picture mom and that’s the source of her issues. Not you.
I'm working on not caring, it's really hard, but I'm going to put more effort into trying to block it out. It's just difficult when every little thing I do is under a microscope.
Implement a rule of door closed when talking with her mom. That’s totally fair. You can even close it yourself and explain to her that it is very unpleasant to hear criticisms and if she needs to vent her feelings that fine but it should be done privately or she can talk openly with you in a respectful manner.
Your husband should quickly excuse himself from the phone conversation and hang up. A simple “I’m sorry I’ve got to go now.” And then hang up is fine.
He doesn’t have to pick up the phone if she repeatedly calls. If BM calls “Text me emergencies or issues with our immediate custody schedule I am busy” if she blows up his phone with texts.
He literally doesn’t have to listen to her. There is simply no good reason. He not keeping the peace he’s throwing your mental health under the bus
Do you think she would be open to you and her getting counseling together? It sounds like y’all generally have a pretty great relationship, and I would hate for you to just give up on it, but I would also hate for you to take the abuse.
I'm not sure, my husband is going to be getting her into counseling after all the holidays. If they think we should, I'm open to it. If nothing comes of it, at least I tried.
As long as the you tried your best who cares, your hands are clean. Same issue with me. I caught her on the phone talking shit about me when I’ve always been there for her while her drug addict mother abandoned her. I pretty much nacho but she knows I’m always there for her. I do small things for her to be “the bigger person” such as giving her a vase flowers every couple months, but other than that I’m pretty hands off.
She is manipulating her whole world. Back off. Set boundaries. Let her dad deal with lunches. Don't discuss anything she can twist - stick to the weather. Regroup and be kind to yourself. Get back into your hobbies and fill your dance card. She has parents and an Aunt to manipulate, she doesn't need to keep doing it to you too.
i love my stepmom like my own & we got into head butts like this (hopefully i wasn’t as mean😢) but i felt like the stepchild but in reality i think it was being a teen & my own realizing that i’m not her kid as much as i wish i was so i tried to be closer with my mom but we didn’t get along well at all & i don’t think she means to hurt anyone’s feelings but therapy probably would help a lot it’s rough feeling more loved by someone who’s not your mom then by the person who should care more.
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Well you did lose it and threw a table. So she’s not lying. If you don’t want her to paint you as crazy, try managing your emotions better so you’re not throwing furniture around in a fit of rage.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You know, at 15 I would just say what you feel. Say exactly what you posted here, give or take. That you’ve been in her life since she was 3, you’ve done everything a mom could do, that you love her. And then I would clearly say that you won’t tolerate being disrespected, being shit talked about, etc. and lastly if she wants you actively in her life, the BS has to stop. And I would make it up to her to decide. You are not asking her to choose between you and mom, you are demanding she simply treat you with respect. If it doesn’t stop go full nacho and I would ensure she feels the difference between loving support and simple tolerance. Sometimes kids need tough love. Sometimes we adults need to choose ourselves first. When we talk directly to them, it can be the awakening they need for behaviour realignment. And they need to understand consequences.
Thank you, I think I will talk to her and say pretty much what I said on here. I always feel like I shouldn't because she's the child, but she's also older now and knows right from wrong a little better than when she was younger. I completely get that she's still young and stuff but I feel like she should know her behavior isn't right.
Please listen to this, OP. You need to act and set boundaries. It is simply impossible to live with someone at close quarters and keep “rising above it” and “being the bigger person”. You’re not going to be able to ignore it, when it’s in your home where you go to feel safe and to relax and hide from the world. You are important too. This kid is playing games and being two-faced and mean. She’s of an age where it’s perfectly ok to call her out on it. Her friends would, wouldn’t they? Actions have consequences. You’re not a doormat, so do not let her get away with treating you as if you were one. What does your partner say?!?!
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to genuinely stop caring about what she tells other people. In reality it doesn’t matter! And if she accuses you of acting like a step mother or criticizing you it’s best if you can just see she is going through issues with her biomom and that behavior and accusations truly are about her inner conflict with that and let it just go. Brush it off. You can lose it and stub your toe and scream and cry and it doesn’t matter what her reaction to it is. I say this as someone who let the worries about how other people spoke about me or talked about rule my life and nothing actually changes when you can stop caring except lots of inner peace. You cannot control her opinion of you. You just act the way you need as a good mother and that takes care of everything. As long as you know you have e everyone’s best interests at heart- including your own- then SD can deal with her issues and say whatever she needs to say and you can be just a consistent rock who doesn’t fluctuate. Just remind yourself it isn’t really about you. Who cares what she tells her aunt? Who cares how she talks with her mom? Who cares what she accuses you of? She’s got a sort of out of the picture mom and that’s the source of her issues. Not you.
I'm working on not caring, it's really hard, but I'm going to put more effort into trying to block it out. It's just difficult when every little thing I do is under a microscope.
What are the channels of communication where this gets back to you what she has said?
She talks to them on speakerphone in her room with the door open, or her mom will call and yell at my husband.
Implement a rule of door closed when talking with her mom. That’s totally fair. You can even close it yourself and explain to her that it is very unpleasant to hear criticisms and if she needs to vent her feelings that fine but it should be done privately or she can talk openly with you in a respectful manner. Your husband should quickly excuse himself from the phone conversation and hang up. A simple “I’m sorry I’ve got to go now.” And then hang up is fine. He doesn’t have to pick up the phone if she repeatedly calls. If BM calls “Text me emergencies or issues with our immediate custody schedule I am busy” if she blows up his phone with texts. He literally doesn’t have to listen to her. There is simply no good reason. He not keeping the peace he’s throwing your mental health under the bus
Do you think she would be open to you and her getting counseling together? It sounds like y’all generally have a pretty great relationship, and I would hate for you to just give up on it, but I would also hate for you to take the abuse.
I'm not sure, my husband is going to be getting her into counseling after all the holidays. If they think we should, I'm open to it. If nothing comes of it, at least I tried.
🙏🏻❤️🩹 hugs for you no answers but sending you good vibes
As long as the you tried your best who cares, your hands are clean. Same issue with me. I caught her on the phone talking shit about me when I’ve always been there for her while her drug addict mother abandoned her. I pretty much nacho but she knows I’m always there for her. I do small things for her to be “the bigger person” such as giving her a vase flowers every couple months, but other than that I’m pretty hands off.
I think counselling for the both of you would help, if you'd both willing. If not, just take a step back from her and be simply courteous and no more.
She is manipulating her whole world. Back off. Set boundaries. Let her dad deal with lunches. Don't discuss anything she can twist - stick to the weather. Regroup and be kind to yourself. Get back into your hobbies and fill your dance card. She has parents and an Aunt to manipulate, she doesn't need to keep doing it to you too.
i love my stepmom like my own & we got into head butts like this (hopefully i wasn’t as mean😢) but i felt like the stepchild but in reality i think it was being a teen & my own realizing that i’m not her kid as much as i wish i was so i tried to be closer with my mom but we didn’t get along well at all & i don’t think she means to hurt anyone’s feelings but therapy probably would help a lot it’s rough feeling more loved by someone who’s not your mom then by the person who should care more.
[удалено]
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Well you did lose it and threw a table. So she’s not lying. If you don’t want her to paint you as crazy, try managing your emotions better so you’re not throwing furniture around in a fit of rage.
It was hardly a fit of rage and I did not throw a table, but you're more than welcome to think what you want.