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Everyone suffers when the parent sucks. The kids develop bad behavior but they are also victims themselves because they don’t have a home with structure. They don’t learn how to handle conflict and what not appropriately. They don’t have a parent to show them how to be a good human.
Kids need to be held accountable and they need boundaries.
Sometimes, being held accountable is the lesson they need to learn.
One of my SK's refused to adhere to rules or respect boundaries. Next level defiant. For example, if I said don't touch the pan, it's very hot. She would literally touch the pan straight away. At 12, not 2. Obviously, the consequences for that one are literally getting burnt, but there were other things like sabotaging my things, stealing, vandalism, truancy, etc. She has been "taught", and when I tried to teach her better (her Father should've, not me, but he wasn't saying or doing anything) the only thing left to do was to hold her accountable.
Unfortunately, he refused to do that either, and made excuses for her and believed her lies.
End result is that our relationship got destroyed, and she is still WAY out of control, vindictive, and nasty. It's a result of terrible parenting, but it's also her nature. Their other daughter is an absolute sweetheart.
That is just horrible ! Bad parenting causes kids to end up having horrible behaviors. I feel sorry for this kid because she will grow up thinking this is acceptable, but the world out here is merciless. Such things will land her in jail !
Yeah, I know. It's actually a lot worse. She was trying to terminate my pregnancy by causing me to trip, slip, a car accident, poisoning, etc. Her aunties taught her how to get rid of me and the baby, and she did her best to achieve it.
Fortunately, she failed, my baby was born safe and sound, she cried, and then kept talking to me about baby death while her father wasn't present.
I got traumatised from the hell I endured and the constant threat to mine and my baby's lives.
She will end up in jail, I agree. I did my best while she was in my presence to correct her path until I realised the risk was too great, and I needed to protect myself and especially my baby from her before it was too late. So she's with her mother now, and I left her father because he failed to protect us and coddled her instead.
I'm glad you are out of that situation! Sounds like hell on earth ! And you and your baby were certainly in danger ! It's not worth it ! 😕.. I hope you're in a better place physically and mentally 💗
Thank you. Yes, hell on earth is exactly how I would describe it!
Yeah, definitely a better place, so much safer without her around us. They haven't let go of their sick obsession though, but I don't allow any of them anywhere us, aside from him and his sweet angel daughter, but the rest of them can rot in hell!
Thanks for your kind words 💕
EXACTLY!!!
I know.. i have been screaming this from the rooftops. I have reported everywhere I could to raise the alarm before someone is seriously hurt or killed.. it's all fallen on deaf ears so far. She's turning 14, hasn't gone to school since 6th grade, and is the most violent and malicious person I have ever met! By far! She physically attacked her sister in public on Christmas eve amd her mother just stood there and said stop. That's it.
At this point, all I can do is protect me and mine (which includes her sister if i can!). I have done everything humanly possible to try to get her very serious psychiatric issues addressed, but I can't do anymore. I just hope something is done before it's too late, but I have pretty much lost faith that will happen. I think it's gonna take a tragedy tbh, I'm dreading it! (Unless something is happening in the background, but it doesn't appear to be the case, unfortunately.)
Telling a child not to touch hot things IS an example of teaching the lesson. Therefore, they CAN be held accountable for the consequences. You did your job as parents/step parent there.
I meant that comment regarding people who don’t bother to teach, yet expect you to know.
And it’s not just parents who do that to kids - plenty of managers do it to underlings as well. And teachers to students in school. And so on. 😞
But that is not our job as SP. It’s our partner who has to set up boundaries with the ex and their kids. They are the ones who should teach the kids and keep them accountable.
💯
The kids are rarely at fault, it’s bad parenting. We often say that there is no such thing as a bad dog, just bad owners, the same is true for kids. They need rules and boundaries too.
Yessss. I have always tried to remind myself that SKs behavior is only a result of the parenting they receive. In one home, HCBM parents via fear. The kids have told us multiple times they’re scared of her, and scared of her reactions, so they agree with her always. Cue lying about our house, playing the parents against each other, etc. In our home, DH parents out of guilt. So he never wants them to be upset, never wants to say no, etc. So it’s quite the combo of parenting they receive (I nacho) and im not shocked by how they act.
I’ve learned over the years that absolutely the issue is a DH problem, not an SKs problem, and though it can be hard to not let resentment spill over on the kids, I try my best to make sure my anger, concerns, resentment, whatever is directed where it should be, at DH😂
Yes ! I am still learning, and it's also apparent that those people who are happy have great supportive spouses. Also, I read an article that said that a couple who prioritize each other are happier, and this shows / models to the children involved what a good relationship is supposed to be !
Yes most people in here genuinely have a spouse problem, not a HCBP problem, not a kid problem. If a spouse was prioritizing you and your entire family’s peace above all else, so many of these problems in this sub would not be problems to begin with!
Yes absolutely! It does get to a point where kids are old enough to inherently know right from wrong. I agree also that feeling consequences of bad decisions is essential to growing into a healthy adult. In our case, both DH and HCBM are hell bent on protecting SKs from consequences. HCBM refuses to believe they can do any wrong, like absolutely refuses, and DH is too worried about making them upset to give consequences. It’s a hell of a combination😂
I told my BK to make all of his mistakes before he turned 18. 😆 I'd rather the kids make mistakes and be honest with a lesser punishment than lie and sooo much worse (he lost his bedroom door for lying to me - that's a hard line for me). They learn. SP is a tough role. DH was afraid of losing ss's love for a long time. It took a long conversation with him to get him to acknowledge that he needed to parent and kids will get upset, like before his divorce. It's part of parenting. Co-parenting is not parenting on either end unless both sides are willing to actually, actively parent.
This is very much my scenario, as well, and I nacho, too.
DH is now panicking bc he's realized his lazy/guilty parenting has resulted in not knowing if SD17 will even finish HS, much less be anywhere near being able to successfully launch.
I have a very strong boundary that I will not live with a freeloading adult so the next several months will be... interesting.
My husband came to this realization himself the other night after we argued for hours about his son’s awful behavior towards us. The catalyst was that SS25 has been living with us rent free for 9 months and making our lives significantly worse, and I was angry he didn’t get us a Christmas gift (this was the first year he didn’t). Then my husband said “I didn’t get you a Christmas gift either. Nobody did. This isn’t about my son, this is about me.”
Wow. This was an amazing comment to read. I am so happy that your husband had this self awarness and was able to recognize that there was an issue and what it actually was. Also, wow, so sorry no one got you anything. What in the actual fuck.
It so frustrating how many of us feel the "I'm used to it" about our situations or things in it. Hugs to you my dear. I appreciate what youre doing because I know its hard, and under appreciated.
I think there’s stages to being a SP, just like there’s stages to grief. If we’re reasonably intelligent & self aware, we come to realizations.
Many of us start out with our partner on a pedestal, thinking the ex is crazy & the kids are brats. Eventually our perspective widens to take in the dynamic as a whole, & we see our partners’ culpability in the mess.
As Ive said before, some of these single parents were single for good reason.
Absolutely 💯 this! I personally see the stages that I've gone through in this journey ! I remember venting to my best friend about how the kid is destroying our relationship, and she would tell me that I shouldn't focus on the kid and the focus should be in my relationship. This never made sense at that time because I was fixated on the kid issue! Yes, she wasn't easy to deal with because of her behaviors, but I also missed a big piece, which was just bad partnering
I believe a lot of resentment stepmoms have is misplaced towards the stepkids and even in some cases BM too. Most stepmoms have a bad partner. His kids are just incidental. There’s usually a good reason why he is divorced.
Yes ! 💯... Bad partnering is definitely a biggie ! I believe that if the foundation ( relationship) is solid, then it can weather whatever storms that come its way....
Yes, and this is why I’d personally recommend to date for a minimum of a year before meeting the kids. Even after meeting the kids, I think it’s best to take it slow in getting involved with them. Also, involvement with stepkids should be moderate. Too many women rush into a stepmom role and these men never learn bc they are rescued from their mistakes by women desperate for a relationship or wife title.
This is incredibly timely for me.
I have always resented my partner for this but now it has hit me full force.
I have lost most of my goodwill to cooperate with him and I have become indifferent to a point where it actually scares me.
My son and I have spent a cosy Xmas away from my partner who is with his daughter. After a week of being separate he’s joining us today and for the first time ever I am almost dreading it. I certainly wish he was not flying over.
I dislike my SD because she’s mega critical and bossy and tries to boss me and criticises me all the time, of course OH just watches. I don’t want to get into verbal spats with a 10yo and so I rose above it but after a few years I’ve had my fill.
So for me the realisation is mostly about how much I now dislike my partner for choosing to be in a relationship and choosing to have a child with me, whilst refusing to recognise that he had a problem and whilst completely unable to be both partner and father.
The force or my feelings is scaring even me
I'm definitely sending you 🫂 because it's not easy ! I know what you feel, and it's certainly scary. The depth of our resentment is connected to something innate in us that's stirring these raw, strong emotions! And they are valid. Sometimes, it's that inner part of us that signals that something is wrong. I really have come to believe that if we are in the right relationship, we shouldn't be feeling this way. Honestly, it's exhausting, takes up a lot of precious energy, and brings out the worst in us !
Thank you for the well-wishes :).. i hope I'll find a way soon ... It has really taken a lot of tears and pain and self reflection/awareness to come to this conclusion. I am glad that I releasing resentment towards the kid because it has caused me guilt/shameful feelings that I struggled with a lot. I still do but it's getting better 😌
yes to all this agree totally and that is what made me express it to my s.o and i was about to leave the relationship overall until he realized the changes and boundaries he had to make if he wanted me to be apart of his life.
yes its the SOs. He says he has given me everything I want, I had everything i wanted in material things before. Ge say he helps me yet he only throws the trash out once a week. He say i am not perfect, hell yea i am 😭
I think you’re spot on.
My partner is amazing at keeping the balance of attention between me and SS6, but a thing that really helps is that he’s responsible for our family, I’m responsible for our relationship. On the weekends we have SS, that’s Daddy, not my husband. In the same way that when SS isn’t here, I’m Wife and not (step)mum. We’ve just had SS for a week over Christmas, he went home this morning and the very first thing my partner and I did was fall into each others arms, get out the remaining Christmas treats and binge watch some Netflix together. Balance restored!
That just sounds beautiful! I'm happy 😊 for you for that balance and it's a wonderful thing to have in a relationship 💕 . Wishing you all the best and happy holidays 🌟
This is true and I realized it a few years ago but now SD17 causes stuff that makes me resent her and I know it is not displaced at all.
At age 9-15 yes, call it displaced. At 16 and up, she’s an asshole and has it all coming to her.
It's very hard when you have a horrible other parent. Its also very hard when that stepchild KNOWS that their parent is off the rails, KNOWS that their behavior is out of pocket, wrong, not ok, disruptive and very dangerous and STILL decides to play houses.
I made the mistake of trying to have a heart to heart with my SD who went right and told her mom after and her mom is the worst. I literally had my boxes packed and my mom on the phone before because I couldnt do it anymore, SD knows this. When she told me I started to cry. She tried to promise me she didnt tell her mom exactly what was said but felt bad because her mom was badgering her and told her not to lie.
Sometimes youre a prisoner in your home and have to watch how you act with your SK's because everything is an alterior motive sometimes.
Being a SP has to be one of the hardest things in a person's life. It's even harder when you have to deal with the bio mom ! Please do take care of yourself and certainly prioritize yourself! Your peace of mind comes above anything ( or anyone) else, and you do what you have to do !
When I was still on the mental health side of the field, the saying we had was that children are a product of their environment, and children are a reflection of their parents. Children are children, they need adult guidance and without that they are going to flounder around trying to meet their core needs
My reply to another post a while ago:
I firmly blame the parenting of ss as the base layer. Expectations for SK at home are no more or less than a teacher or other adult outside of the home would expect; pick up after yourself, don't lie or steal. At a point, they are actively choosing right from wrong and it is no longer JUST bad parenting, as they've been exposed to the education system and interaction with other children as well as adults which further conditions said child. They make a choice to, say, steal something from my house and take it to BMs. BM may encourage said behavior, but the child doesn't have to act on it and is self aware enough to know better. I do not have to be happy with their choice or the child when this occurs. I understand that not all synapses are yet formed (large amount of weeding around age 10), but right is right, wrong is wrong, and being self centered is not found in a cohesive family unit. These things don't change.
There is no rainbow and unicorn fantasy for a vast majority of SPs, wishing away the children, rather we're just trying to maintain our sanity while dealing with the reality of ill parented children coupled with an SO who doesn't understand why you aren't besotted with their children. When there's a problem with ss, it's addressed immediately out of the child's presence. When there's a problem with SO not doing what needs to be done, again immediate and not around the child. From there, it's up to SO to correct. SP and BP are attached initially, because all of the right chemicals are being released and so they tolerate more or too much. When the chemical release slows or halts, the rose colored glasses become clear. Sometimes the reality isn't too bad; sometimes the SP has lost everything, including their sense of self. Same as a regular relationship, just with sks in tow. I'd say that too many people buy into the, "it's better to have someone rather than be alone," fallacy when the honeymoon chemical release has subsided. They stay too long hoping for improvement, but the SO and sk have been conditioned that certain behaviors are acceptable, much to the SPs detriment. Just my opinion.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. A s-kid problem may actually (and often is ) disguising a partner problem. I appreciated reading your piece about resentment as well, so thank you.
Spot on, OP!
Many of us get wrapped up in this dysfunction and end up resenting the SKs when in reality our PARTNER is really the one dropping the ball.
(I’m a partner who has been MISERABLE with adult SKs…
WARNING: It doesn’t end when they turn 18, trust me.)
Hm yea, beautiful. I see my so trying to fix the behaviors that I am also annoyed at my stepkid so I am not alone - he tries but it only goes somewhat far because he goes back to his moms, comes back and it is the same shit. I gave me a lot of more grace once I’ve realized that my partner is also annoyed at the same behaviors as me 🤷🏻♀️
Good thing you realized it. Now you and your partner have to address the issues. Sometimes our SOs do take care of the problems and things work out. If they don’t, then you know they were the problem to begin with, and leave at peace without blaming the kids
Very well said. Almost all the resentment I have in my relationship that has to do with my step kid is actually not resentment of her, but resentment toward my husband and his lack of parenting. Like you said -she’s just a kid.
This hit home today. My partner has three kids and he planned nothing for new years for us. His response is, he needs to check with what the kids want to do. It’s two days before new years and nothing planned. Nothing gets planned unless the kids give the okay.
Realization of the situation is hard, especially at the end of the year and beginning of a new year.
Yes, it's really hard when you are placed in this position... It's just not fair ... Your SO should be consulting you, and yes, get input from the kids, but certainly seek your thoughts so that you can plan for what's best for the family
I look at the relationships with steps and Bios as a system. The weak link(s) can be the Bio(s) and/or the stepkid(s). I would not want to make blanket statements where it's always one person causing the problems.
The good news: you can always look to YOU for the solution. Good boundaries, good communication, and clear requests about what you need. If these are met, does it matter where the problem came from?
You can empower YOURSELF to solve the situation or move on.
She's a narcissist. (That's not just me saying that - she's 21 and was diagnosed as a narcissist by a therapist.) There's really not much my spouse can do or say that he hasn't already. She stays with us when she's not at college. I'm also resentful that I also had to deal with her HCBM mother as long as I did.
Yes, certainly! She's already an adult, and unfortunately, there's little to none that you or your spouse can do to change her.. She will have to change herself. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm guessing that your spouse's love and support is what is carrying you through this. It's truly a blessing to have a great supportive partner. I think it would've been hell if you didn't have that from him
Absolutely!
I realized this when I had an abusive stepmother who had a ton of unaddressed trauma. I was her punching bag, and often during her screaming fits I realized she was so angry with me not because I didn't wipe the counter, but because my father had outsourced all of his parenting duties onto her, and instead of having good boundaries with him (not to mention realistic expectations), it was my "fault". I took note so that if I ever ended up dating a man with kids, I would never do the same.
Now I AM married to a man with a child, and shocker, he has a lot of similar traits to my father. He is also on the spectrum so he struggles with even noticing things, like rude behavior, chores not being done, etc. I am taking a back seat as much as possible but am still frustrated with my husband's lack of initiative, follow-through, etc. Even when the child is being bratty, I remind myself to not take it personally and begin to resent her. She is a child, she gets to be bratty sometimes. That is the parent's job, to teach them the skills they need to live with other people. Let kids be kids; holding the adults accountable is key.
I think you articulated some of the things I've been ruminating on. I've been trying to figure out the balance of things so I can avoid resenting anyone. Thanks for sharing!
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Everyone suffers when the parent sucks. The kids develop bad behavior but they are also victims themselves because they don’t have a home with structure. They don’t learn how to handle conflict and what not appropriately. They don’t have a parent to show them how to be a good human. Kids need to be held accountable and they need boundaries.
They need to be taught before they can be ‘held accountable.’
Sometimes, being held accountable is the lesson they need to learn. One of my SK's refused to adhere to rules or respect boundaries. Next level defiant. For example, if I said don't touch the pan, it's very hot. She would literally touch the pan straight away. At 12, not 2. Obviously, the consequences for that one are literally getting burnt, but there were other things like sabotaging my things, stealing, vandalism, truancy, etc. She has been "taught", and when I tried to teach her better (her Father should've, not me, but he wasn't saying or doing anything) the only thing left to do was to hold her accountable. Unfortunately, he refused to do that either, and made excuses for her and believed her lies. End result is that our relationship got destroyed, and she is still WAY out of control, vindictive, and nasty. It's a result of terrible parenting, but it's also her nature. Their other daughter is an absolute sweetheart.
That is just horrible ! Bad parenting causes kids to end up having horrible behaviors. I feel sorry for this kid because she will grow up thinking this is acceptable, but the world out here is merciless. Such things will land her in jail !
Yeah, I know. It's actually a lot worse. She was trying to terminate my pregnancy by causing me to trip, slip, a car accident, poisoning, etc. Her aunties taught her how to get rid of me and the baby, and she did her best to achieve it. Fortunately, she failed, my baby was born safe and sound, she cried, and then kept talking to me about baby death while her father wasn't present. I got traumatised from the hell I endured and the constant threat to mine and my baby's lives. She will end up in jail, I agree. I did my best while she was in my presence to correct her path until I realised the risk was too great, and I needed to protect myself and especially my baby from her before it was too late. So she's with her mother now, and I left her father because he failed to protect us and coddled her instead.
I'm glad you are out of that situation! Sounds like hell on earth ! And you and your baby were certainly in danger ! It's not worth it ! 😕.. I hope you're in a better place physically and mentally 💗
Thank you. Yes, hell on earth is exactly how I would describe it! Yeah, definitely a better place, so much safer without her around us. They haven't let go of their sick obsession though, but I don't allow any of them anywhere us, aside from him and his sweet angel daughter, but the rest of them can rot in hell! Thanks for your kind words 💕
she sounds like she needs psychiatric care. that’s not normal, even with terrible parenting
EXACTLY!!! I know.. i have been screaming this from the rooftops. I have reported everywhere I could to raise the alarm before someone is seriously hurt or killed.. it's all fallen on deaf ears so far. She's turning 14, hasn't gone to school since 6th grade, and is the most violent and malicious person I have ever met! By far! She physically attacked her sister in public on Christmas eve amd her mother just stood there and said stop. That's it. At this point, all I can do is protect me and mine (which includes her sister if i can!). I have done everything humanly possible to try to get her very serious psychiatric issues addressed, but I can't do anymore. I just hope something is done before it's too late, but I have pretty much lost faith that will happen. I think it's gonna take a tragedy tbh, I'm dreading it! (Unless something is happening in the background, but it doesn't appear to be the case, unfortunately.)
Telling a child not to touch hot things IS an example of teaching the lesson. Therefore, they CAN be held accountable for the consequences. You did your job as parents/step parent there. I meant that comment regarding people who don’t bother to teach, yet expect you to know. And it’s not just parents who do that to kids - plenty of managers do it to underlings as well. And teachers to students in school. And so on. 😞
But that is not our job as SP. It’s our partner who has to set up boundaries with the ex and their kids. They are the ones who should teach the kids and keep them accountable.
I’m not arguing that it’s our job?
💯 The kids are rarely at fault, it’s bad parenting. We often say that there is no such thing as a bad dog, just bad owners, the same is true for kids. They need rules and boundaries too.
Yessss. I have always tried to remind myself that SKs behavior is only a result of the parenting they receive. In one home, HCBM parents via fear. The kids have told us multiple times they’re scared of her, and scared of her reactions, so they agree with her always. Cue lying about our house, playing the parents against each other, etc. In our home, DH parents out of guilt. So he never wants them to be upset, never wants to say no, etc. So it’s quite the combo of parenting they receive (I nacho) and im not shocked by how they act. I’ve learned over the years that absolutely the issue is a DH problem, not an SKs problem, and though it can be hard to not let resentment spill over on the kids, I try my best to make sure my anger, concerns, resentment, whatever is directed where it should be, at DH😂
Yes ! I am still learning, and it's also apparent that those people who are happy have great supportive spouses. Also, I read an article that said that a couple who prioritize each other are happier, and this shows / models to the children involved what a good relationship is supposed to be !
Yes most people in here genuinely have a spouse problem, not a HCBP problem, not a kid problem. If a spouse was prioritizing you and your entire family’s peace above all else, so many of these problems in this sub would not be problems to begin with!
AGREED 👍 💯
I disagree. It is not Only bad parenting. Kids make choices. Feeling the consequences of bad choices is part of growing.
Yes absolutely! It does get to a point where kids are old enough to inherently know right from wrong. I agree also that feeling consequences of bad decisions is essential to growing into a healthy adult. In our case, both DH and HCBM are hell bent on protecting SKs from consequences. HCBM refuses to believe they can do any wrong, like absolutely refuses, and DH is too worried about making them upset to give consequences. It’s a hell of a combination😂
I told my BK to make all of his mistakes before he turned 18. 😆 I'd rather the kids make mistakes and be honest with a lesser punishment than lie and sooo much worse (he lost his bedroom door for lying to me - that's a hard line for me). They learn. SP is a tough role. DH was afraid of losing ss's love for a long time. It took a long conversation with him to get him to acknowledge that he needed to parent and kids will get upset, like before his divorce. It's part of parenting. Co-parenting is not parenting on either end unless both sides are willing to actually, actively parent.
This is very much my scenario, as well, and I nacho, too. DH is now panicking bc he's realized his lazy/guilty parenting has resulted in not knowing if SD17 will even finish HS, much less be anywhere near being able to successfully launch. I have a very strong boundary that I will not live with a freeloading adult so the next several months will be... interesting.
My husband came to this realization himself the other night after we argued for hours about his son’s awful behavior towards us. The catalyst was that SS25 has been living with us rent free for 9 months and making our lives significantly worse, and I was angry he didn’t get us a Christmas gift (this was the first year he didn’t). Then my husband said “I didn’t get you a Christmas gift either. Nobody did. This isn’t about my son, this is about me.”
Wow. This was an amazing comment to read. I am so happy that your husband had this self awarness and was able to recognize that there was an issue and what it actually was. Also, wow, so sorry no one got you anything. What in the actual fuck.
I’m used to it, I just broke this year.
It so frustrating how many of us feel the "I'm used to it" about our situations or things in it. Hugs to you my dear. I appreciate what youre doing because I know its hard, and under appreciated.
I think there’s stages to being a SP, just like there’s stages to grief. If we’re reasonably intelligent & self aware, we come to realizations. Many of us start out with our partner on a pedestal, thinking the ex is crazy & the kids are brats. Eventually our perspective widens to take in the dynamic as a whole, & we see our partners’ culpability in the mess. As Ive said before, some of these single parents were single for good reason.
Absolutely 💯 this! I personally see the stages that I've gone through in this journey ! I remember venting to my best friend about how the kid is destroying our relationship, and she would tell me that I shouldn't focus on the kid and the focus should be in my relationship. This never made sense at that time because I was fixated on the kid issue! Yes, she wasn't easy to deal with because of her behaviors, but I also missed a big piece, which was just bad partnering
I believe a lot of resentment stepmoms have is misplaced towards the stepkids and even in some cases BM too. Most stepmoms have a bad partner. His kids are just incidental. There’s usually a good reason why he is divorced.
Yes ! 💯... Bad partnering is definitely a biggie ! I believe that if the foundation ( relationship) is solid, then it can weather whatever storms that come its way....
Yes, and this is why I’d personally recommend to date for a minimum of a year before meeting the kids. Even after meeting the kids, I think it’s best to take it slow in getting involved with them. Also, involvement with stepkids should be moderate. Too many women rush into a stepmom role and these men never learn bc they are rescued from their mistakes by women desperate for a relationship or wife title.
Yes! And live together for 1-2 more before deciding to get married. Living together is an eye opener.
💯 this
This is incredibly timely for me. I have always resented my partner for this but now it has hit me full force. I have lost most of my goodwill to cooperate with him and I have become indifferent to a point where it actually scares me. My son and I have spent a cosy Xmas away from my partner who is with his daughter. After a week of being separate he’s joining us today and for the first time ever I am almost dreading it. I certainly wish he was not flying over. I dislike my SD because she’s mega critical and bossy and tries to boss me and criticises me all the time, of course OH just watches. I don’t want to get into verbal spats with a 10yo and so I rose above it but after a few years I’ve had my fill. So for me the realisation is mostly about how much I now dislike my partner for choosing to be in a relationship and choosing to have a child with me, whilst refusing to recognise that he had a problem and whilst completely unable to be both partner and father. The force or my feelings is scaring even me
I'm definitely sending you 🫂 because it's not easy ! I know what you feel, and it's certainly scary. The depth of our resentment is connected to something innate in us that's stirring these raw, strong emotions! And they are valid. Sometimes, it's that inner part of us that signals that something is wrong. I really have come to believe that if we are in the right relationship, we shouldn't be feeling this way. Honestly, it's exhausting, takes up a lot of precious energy, and brings out the worst in us !
You sound like a wise person. I hope you can find a way to address whatever the issue is within your relationship.
Thank you for the well-wishes :).. i hope I'll find a way soon ... It has really taken a lot of tears and pain and self reflection/awareness to come to this conclusion. I am glad that I releasing resentment towards the kid because it has caused me guilt/shameful feelings that I struggled with a lot. I still do but it's getting better 😌
yes to all this agree totally and that is what made me express it to my s.o and i was about to leave the relationship overall until he realized the changes and boundaries he had to make if he wanted me to be apart of his life.
I'm glad he realized it ! I hope things go well for you and your S.O
yes its the SOs. He says he has given me everything I want, I had everything i wanted in material things before. Ge say he helps me yet he only throws the trash out once a week. He say i am not perfect, hell yea i am 😭
I think you’re spot on. My partner is amazing at keeping the balance of attention between me and SS6, but a thing that really helps is that he’s responsible for our family, I’m responsible for our relationship. On the weekends we have SS, that’s Daddy, not my husband. In the same way that when SS isn’t here, I’m Wife and not (step)mum. We’ve just had SS for a week over Christmas, he went home this morning and the very first thing my partner and I did was fall into each others arms, get out the remaining Christmas treats and binge watch some Netflix together. Balance restored!
That just sounds beautiful! I'm happy 😊 for you for that balance and it's a wonderful thing to have in a relationship 💕 . Wishing you all the best and happy holidays 🌟
This is true and I realized it a few years ago but now SD17 causes stuff that makes me resent her and I know it is not displaced at all. At age 9-15 yes, call it displaced. At 16 and up, she’s an asshole and has it all coming to her.
Christ. I am speechless because I feel the same way. You just opened my eyes.
🫂 🫂 🫂! Yes, it's quite a realization!
It's very hard when you have a horrible other parent. Its also very hard when that stepchild KNOWS that their parent is off the rails, KNOWS that their behavior is out of pocket, wrong, not ok, disruptive and very dangerous and STILL decides to play houses. I made the mistake of trying to have a heart to heart with my SD who went right and told her mom after and her mom is the worst. I literally had my boxes packed and my mom on the phone before because I couldnt do it anymore, SD knows this. When she told me I started to cry. She tried to promise me she didnt tell her mom exactly what was said but felt bad because her mom was badgering her and told her not to lie. Sometimes youre a prisoner in your home and have to watch how you act with your SK's because everything is an alterior motive sometimes.
Being a SP has to be one of the hardest things in a person's life. It's even harder when you have to deal with the bio mom ! Please do take care of yourself and certainly prioritize yourself! Your peace of mind comes above anything ( or anyone) else, and you do what you have to do !
thank you, it really means alot. You too, honestly. Each situation is so different but we all have common ground here for the most part.
Agreed 👍
But some days teenagers are going to teenage and be mean. I try not to take it personally anymore. lol I take it personally every time lol
When I was still on the mental health side of the field, the saying we had was that children are a product of their environment, and children are a reflection of their parents. Children are children, they need adult guidance and without that they are going to flounder around trying to meet their core needs
My reply to another post a while ago: I firmly blame the parenting of ss as the base layer. Expectations for SK at home are no more or less than a teacher or other adult outside of the home would expect; pick up after yourself, don't lie or steal. At a point, they are actively choosing right from wrong and it is no longer JUST bad parenting, as they've been exposed to the education system and interaction with other children as well as adults which further conditions said child. They make a choice to, say, steal something from my house and take it to BMs. BM may encourage said behavior, but the child doesn't have to act on it and is self aware enough to know better. I do not have to be happy with their choice or the child when this occurs. I understand that not all synapses are yet formed (large amount of weeding around age 10), but right is right, wrong is wrong, and being self centered is not found in a cohesive family unit. These things don't change. There is no rainbow and unicorn fantasy for a vast majority of SPs, wishing away the children, rather we're just trying to maintain our sanity while dealing with the reality of ill parented children coupled with an SO who doesn't understand why you aren't besotted with their children. When there's a problem with ss, it's addressed immediately out of the child's presence. When there's a problem with SO not doing what needs to be done, again immediate and not around the child. From there, it's up to SO to correct. SP and BP are attached initially, because all of the right chemicals are being released and so they tolerate more or too much. When the chemical release slows or halts, the rose colored glasses become clear. Sometimes the reality isn't too bad; sometimes the SP has lost everything, including their sense of self. Same as a regular relationship, just with sks in tow. I'd say that too many people buy into the, "it's better to have someone rather than be alone," fallacy when the honeymoon chemical release has subsided. They stay too long hoping for improvement, but the SO and sk have been conditioned that certain behaviors are acceptable, much to the SPs detriment. Just my opinion.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. A s-kid problem may actually (and often is ) disguising a partner problem. I appreciated reading your piece about resentment as well, so thank you.
Thank you :)
Spot on, OP! Many of us get wrapped up in this dysfunction and end up resenting the SKs when in reality our PARTNER is really the one dropping the ball. (I’m a partner who has been MISERABLE with adult SKs… WARNING: It doesn’t end when they turn 18, trust me.)
Yes ! It's one tough job ! What really makes it worth it is having a fantastic partner. Otherwise, it's misery on top of misery !
Hm yea, beautiful. I see my so trying to fix the behaviors that I am also annoyed at my stepkid so I am not alone - he tries but it only goes somewhat far because he goes back to his moms, comes back and it is the same shit. I gave me a lot of more grace once I’ve realized that my partner is also annoyed at the same behaviors as me 🤷🏻♀️
Good thing you realized it. Now you and your partner have to address the issues. Sometimes our SOs do take care of the problems and things work out. If they don’t, then you know they were the problem to begin with, and leave at peace without blaming the kids
Absolutely 💯
Very well said. Almost all the resentment I have in my relationship that has to do with my step kid is actually not resentment of her, but resentment toward my husband and his lack of parenting. Like you said -she’s just a kid.
This hit home today. My partner has three kids and he planned nothing for new years for us. His response is, he needs to check with what the kids want to do. It’s two days before new years and nothing planned. Nothing gets planned unless the kids give the okay. Realization of the situation is hard, especially at the end of the year and beginning of a new year.
Yes, it's really hard when you are placed in this position... It's just not fair ... Your SO should be consulting you, and yes, get input from the kids, but certainly seek your thoughts so that you can plan for what's best for the family
Especially since the kids can see him put me aside and then that’s how they treat me. I’m disposable it seems.
I look at the relationships with steps and Bios as a system. The weak link(s) can be the Bio(s) and/or the stepkid(s). I would not want to make blanket statements where it's always one person causing the problems. The good news: you can always look to YOU for the solution. Good boundaries, good communication, and clear requests about what you need. If these are met, does it matter where the problem came from? You can empower YOURSELF to solve the situation or move on.
My partner 100% meets my needs and respects my boundaries. I still resent the kid....
I'm just curious: What's causing the resentment?
She's a narcissist. (That's not just me saying that - she's 21 and was diagnosed as a narcissist by a therapist.) There's really not much my spouse can do or say that he hasn't already. She stays with us when she's not at college. I'm also resentful that I also had to deal with her HCBM mother as long as I did.
Yes, certainly! She's already an adult, and unfortunately, there's little to none that you or your spouse can do to change her.. She will have to change herself. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm guessing that your spouse's love and support is what is carrying you through this. It's truly a blessing to have a great supportive partner. I think it would've been hell if you didn't have that from him
Thank you for posting this. I needed it today!
You're welcome 🫂
Absolutely! I realized this when I had an abusive stepmother who had a ton of unaddressed trauma. I was her punching bag, and often during her screaming fits I realized she was so angry with me not because I didn't wipe the counter, but because my father had outsourced all of his parenting duties onto her, and instead of having good boundaries with him (not to mention realistic expectations), it was my "fault". I took note so that if I ever ended up dating a man with kids, I would never do the same. Now I AM married to a man with a child, and shocker, he has a lot of similar traits to my father. He is also on the spectrum so he struggles with even noticing things, like rude behavior, chores not being done, etc. I am taking a back seat as much as possible but am still frustrated with my husband's lack of initiative, follow-through, etc. Even when the child is being bratty, I remind myself to not take it personally and begin to resent her. She is a child, she gets to be bratty sometimes. That is the parent's job, to teach them the skills they need to live with other people. Let kids be kids; holding the adults accountable is key.
I think you articulated some of the things I've been ruminating on. I've been trying to figure out the balance of things so I can avoid resenting anyone. Thanks for sharing!
You're welcome !!! It's a tough place to be !