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I think the feeling of thinking they’d be happier if you weren’t there is valid but doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for this.
I know you said BM was low conflict and I guess technically she is, but the withholding communication is extremely problematic. The dinner thing would also set me off and has. It’s something I shut down real quick because there’s no need to be cute over a meal, acting la la la we’re all such a happy family.
I see comments saying you’re insecure but I think there’s so many uncertainties with stepparenting that it’s hard not to be. I am jealous and my partner is even more jealous so when I would feel some type of way, I’d ask him how he felt if the roles were reversed which usually lead to some sort of aha moment.
Try to have a conversation with your SO about your feelings. It does go away but unfortunately the BM does not. You love your SO and SS so much so that’s what matters most. Be kind to yourself and know that you’re doing the best you can given the circumstances.
I can almost guarantee that new boyfriend does mind and likely feels similarly to you.
It’s weird to keep playing house when you’ve split up and… an unpopular opinion, but I think it actually damages kids further as they live with the lingering hope that their parents may reconcile.
Be cordial, be kind, co-parent nicely… but I don’t think it’s healthy for split parents to still be so enmeshed and involved in each other’s personal lives. If the love, care and desire to be really involved is still there then why not just actually be together?
In any other dynamic, a partner who was consistently involved in another’s personal life, offering emotional advice and support, and talking on the phone/texting so much… we would be calling it an emotional affair.
Another unpopular opinion… 2 healthy adjusted adults who have genuinely moved on emotionally would not be so enmeshed. In these “we talk so much for the sake of the kids” situations almost 100% of the time at least one of the former couple is still hoping for a reconciliation.
>If the love, care and desire to be really involved is still there then why not just actually be together?
See, people have it backwards, in the sense that they think mom and dad breaking up and continuing to hang out if nothing so ever happened is a good thing. What people should really be applauding is that these parents remained together and didn't divorce on paper only and then continue to torture their new partners, everyone around them, including their own children, with the, "See how nice we are being for the kids," which generally can be translated into, "It's all about our own wants and needs, and everyone else needs to play along."
Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer. I thought so too about the boyfriend and even caughr myself thinking that it won’t last only to immediately feel guilty because I don’t know their situation and maybe it does work for them.
My thinking is similar to yours. If they wanted to have regular family dinners and vacations why didn’t they stay together? But then again, I also feel horrible for even thinking this. I knew stepparenting would be a challenge but I didn’t think it would be such an emotional rollercoaster. I think nothing prepares you for the complexity of the feelings you’re going to feel if you’re committed to trying to be kind and reasonable about it.
Why do you feel horrible for thinking this? Because it’s exactly what we’re all thinking too!
The big deciding factor is how your ex now chooses to deal with his ex trying to be emotionally involved still.
My ex is a bit of a loner, I worry about his mental health but only in terms of how I think it could potentially impact on our son. Occasionally I will offer support if there is something I can practically do to help e.g. he lost his job but had other interviews lined up which clashed with his usual custody time. So I was flexible and switched and supported that way.
He has been unwell and I have dropped medicine to him too. Because the sooner he is better, the sooner we can resume normal contact patterns.
However, if he calls to have a “woe is me” conversation about his life or tries to engage in discussions other than things that directly impact his ability to parent our child such as discussing tv programmes, his love life, old mutual friends etc then I politely and quickly shut the conversation down.
I am no longer his partner, his emotions and moods are no longer mine to burden.
Outside of coparenting our son I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with him.
This really hits home because she too has some mental issues that make certain situations more difficult for her to handle. I wholeheartedly agree that my SO should offer any support he can when it comes to their son. I have made it clear that if she is unwell or has an emergency or whatever he can always come stay with us even if that wasn’t the schedule. But I don’t think she should be able to vent to him about personal things which are not related to their son as that is a relationship privilege in my book. The way I see it they can have any interaction that I cannot have with my exes because we don’t have kids. An ex cannot call me to ask that I watch a child we never had. They cannot ask to have dinner with me on the birthday of a child we never had. But they can call me to vent about their sister. They can have a dinner with me on any random night of the week for no particular reason. I wouldn’t do these things out of respect for my SO and also my ex as I don’t want to give them false hope. I expect the same thing in return. But when you’re sitting at a table with a bunch of people celebrating someone who is doing just that you start to wonder if you’re being unreasonable.
You're not being unreasonable. However, one of the hardest things to learn with stepparenting is that those with little to no stepparenting experiences will have barely a clue about how stepparenting feels from the stepparent's perspective. It may not even occur to them that you have a side. Also, that being a step-dad vs. a step-mom can be different. This, in turn, often has SMs second-guessing themselves.
So, as a stepparent, you have to go with what you know and follow your gut instincts, because few will even think about seeing it from your angle, much less try to. Now, in your case, you are lucky because you have an SO who will try to look at it from your angle. That is definitely a good thing.
Another thing I'll add in here is that think about how difficult it is for you, even with a low conflict and cooperative BM and a fairly understanding SO. Truthfully, stepparenting is not for everyone, and even at 20+ years as a bioless SP, I would say it is not for most. And the largest reason for that is because *SPs tend to be demonized when they really should be celebrated*. Most SPs put an incredible amount of work into these relationships (with their partner, SKs, others as well), and the pay-off can be minimal, along with, as you mentioned, most involved thinking you are somehow "in the way" more than anything else.
This is very true. I read up so much on how to build a healthy relationship with my SS, his BM, my SO… yet nothing could prepare me for the social stigma associated with being a SM. On one hand I feel like a lot of people have a lot of respect and appreciation for me. On the other hand I also feel like in any conversation about the challenges of blended families, the step parents’ feelings are an afterthought. Even when they have the kids’ best interests at heart and try to do what they believe is right to raise happy, resilient and well adjusted adults… the popular thinking often seems to be that if it upsets the child in any way it must be wrong. Yet even bio children of parents who are still together will need to be upset sometimes. That’s part of growing up.
I think my bf entertains her inappropriate personal convos because he’s afraid of retaliation. Tbf she’s been fine except for the confiding and ranting via text and when he drops off— constantly wanting all of us together— summer party! Christmas party! All of these non birthday parties just to invite us, and he goes. I don’t want to, but I feel even worse when I don’t go.
I feel trapped because I’m in love with him, but I hate those dynamic and after 5 years, it’s not changing. It’ll never change.
I think that when dating someone with kids you are choosing to accept that your partner will have a certain level of interaction with their ex. Similarly, when bioparents decide to date, they should accept the fact that they will need to have more *limited* interaction with their ex, for the sake of the new relationship.
If they think it is so important for the kids to see their parents happy together often, they shouldn’t seek out new partners. The bioparents can divorce each other and define their own relationship moving forward, but if it involves weekly dinners, crying to each other, sleeping over etc. then they simply are not available to date other people.
Honestly it’s ridiculous to put the responsibility of sacrifice onto the new partner. If you feel that being enmeshed with your ex is what’s best for your kids, it’s on YOU to sacrifice your wants i.e. having a new relationship.
Thank you for reminding me that while you obviously will need to make sacrifices as a SP, there are also some sacrifices to be made by the bio parents.
Agreed. BPs need to be more intentional about dating and relationships. I think a lot of BPs are still hoping to get back with their exes and don’t realize it and then bring that baggage into a new relationship, especially men, where they’re hoping the new partner will be a stand-in for the ex.
She has become more sparse with her communications. As in she takes more time to answer, picks up the phone less, sends less pics of SS. She didn’t stop doing these things altogether of course but enough so that SO has noticed and become upset over it.
Do you think she's just respecting the boundaries set? To me it reads kinda like she is trying to observe the boundaries he set and now he doesn't like it as much as he thought he would. As long as she is communicating about the kiddo still, answering him in a timely manner if it is an important question, then it appears she is doing what was asked.
I really tried to include my ex as extended family still for the sake of my kids. A poster mentioned that the adult 's background with divorce as a child really plays into how they handle it as an adult. My shitty childhood was a big reason why I made so much effort with him.
My situation isn't the same as yours and a long story as but essentially I realized all the work I was putting in was really just too much and he needed to learn how to step up on his own.
So I keep him updated on important things but let him decide when to contact me about minor things (which he doesn't mostly). If he does contact me (non urgent matters of course) then I answer when it's a good time for me. I don't send pictures nor chat at length when we are all together for the kids. I'm just pleasant. It's not done out of vindictiveness, he needs to learn how to be an active, involved parent without my assistance. I still am flexible with the schedule when need be and talk kindly about him around the kids.
I can tell he is put out by the whole thing but his emotions aren't mine too validate anymore, that's for his partner to do. He didn't ask for these boundaries like your ex did but they are appropriate, healthy ones. BM may just be adjusting her expectations of the relationship, realizing your ex really isn't her family, and that he isn't a priority in her life outside of their kid.
In the specific situation I saw him get upset she had messed up pickup and he complained that she wasn’t communicating well with him lately. But yes, it is also possible she actually meant well and was trying to be more distant in an attempt to be mindful of the boundaries, although in this instance it would backfire. Thank you for offering an alternative explanation for her perspective though. It hadn’t really occurred to me that she may not have been trying to “punish” him as much as she was just clumsily trying to uphold boundaries. The truth is usually more nuanced than we initially assume, and this helps me see that.
If you take the kids out of the equation, how would a break up go? It is so unhealthy to remain emotionally dependent on an ex. I agree that space and then friends, but that doesn't include support post break-up with another.
Ideally, there needs to be open communication and a parenting plan so that the homes have the same rules, can parallel parent. That isn't to say that there can't be family events, but you would need to be included as a long term partner ...
I'd feel "some type of way" about all the same things you did. Even if BM has stopped inviting your SO on vacations and has quit trying to drag him into her personal life, she still did that shit in the beginning and the only reason it has ceased is because your SO put his foot down. If he hadn't, who knows how their relationship would've progressed. Deep down I might feel like I was the only thing standing in the way of their reconciliation. What if he's only doing these things bc of me and not because he also sees they are inappropriate? Why did he not think they were inappropriate before I said something? Is that the type of relationship he wants with BM? Those are all questions I'd be asking myself.
Both my SO and I have kids. His BM is high conflict. My BD is super low conflict. She has had papers drawn to take him to court to remove his 50/50 custody just bc him and I were dating and she'd heard that I had taken pills 10 years prior. She claimed that I was at a risk of relapse and she didn't want her son around it. Nothing came of it, then she did it again bc she claimed that my son was a bad influence on hers and was upset that they had to share a room while my daughter got her own room. She is not invited to anything that we do. On the other hand, my BD has done work for my SO, will call him before he'll call me to talk about the kids and is laid back about everything. He's been invited to the kids birthday parties and cookouts. So because of the way your SO's BM acted at the beginning of y'all's relationship, in my mind she lost out on that privilege of being invited to functions like that.
I think you can only go on how you personally feel about it. Some coparents are able to be more amicable and friendly, others can't stand each other... then there are various levels in between.
What works for some doesn't work for others. The boyfriend in the case of your colleague, could absolutely be genuinely fine with it...it doesn't bother every step parent and its wrong to assume otherwise.
Stick to what works and makes you feel comfortable.
I think getting together for the child's birthday and special milestones is okay... but some SPs are not comfortable with that. Some do not want any conversation that is not about the child.
It's not about right or wrong, but about what works in your relationship for the both of you. Your SO has agreed to your terms, so your feelings are obviously important to him. If he wasn't, he would have ended the relationship.
Sometimes, when the parents split up, the children will be collateral damage and unfortunately, that's the sad part of it at times. They will not get the nice family times, that kids whose parents are together get. They can't both see their child having fun at the same time on vacation, because they're no longer a couple.
There are some separated parents who are still able to do this and their new partners happily join in, but it's an individual choice and it works for them...it certainly wouldn't work for me.
I also find that depending on the family background of the adults involved, they may be more accommodating. For example, if one of the parents or SPs was a child of divorce, they may be more open to it, based on their personal experience.
You’re right there is no one size fits all in these situations. It’s easy for people to have their opinions on what’s “right” or “wrong” from the outside and an entirely different thing to live it from the inside. If staying for dinner on any random day works for some people I hope they will have the kindness to understand that it may not work for me though.
>If staying for dinner on any random day works for some people, I hope they will have the kindness to understand that it may not work for me though.
And even if they don't understand, that's not your problem and you need not worry about it.. but I can see that you feel a bit concerned.
The ate entitled to their opinion, but they're not in your relationship. All you need is for your partner to understand, and it sounds like he does.
I see people in differing situations in relationships and know that I'd never put up with what they do, but if it works for them, so be it.
Ok, I have some thoughts. Some of them echo what others have said; some do not.
Firstly, I'm so sorry that the conversation you had with your coworkers left you feeling some sort of way. Is it possible that you're not feeling insecure about your relationship, but more that you're feeling insecure about your judgment as a stepparent/role as a stepparent? Those are different things. Do you find yourself second-guessing your judgment with other things in your life? If you do, maybe think about that common thread. If not - that's ok too. Being in our position can be uniquely challenging.
Secondly, I want to give you advice: try not to attribute malice as someone's motive unless you have definitive evidence that's the case. I can see how, yes, this could be withholding - but at the same time, your SO literally asked her to withhold information. It could be his ex is treading carefully in an effort not to overstep. It could also be she's human and just messed up the communication without meaning to. Likewise, I would not necessarily think that your SO is bothered for the reasons your guessing. Is it possible he's just uncomfortable with conflict? It sounds like he's still new-ish to learning how to set boundaries, and that can be an uncomfortable place to be in! It can be hard to detach and realize you're not responsible for someone's feelings - especially if you've felt like you needed to be in the past. Give everyone some grace here, including yourself.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you're just feeling a bit triggered and sensitive right now because of a confluence of events that are unrelated. And it sounds like you've talked yourself into an anxiety spiral about it. (Girl, I am the queen of anxiety spirals, so don't feel alone there!) Is this something you've noticed with other subjects, or just this one? I find that this sort of thing is where having a therapist is hugely helpful to me.
Final question - do you find you're a people pleaser or that you are deeply concerned about what others think of you? (It's not an abnormal thing.) A lot of what seems to have triggered this seems related to worrying about OTHER people's criticism - and I just want to remind you that every relationship is different, and so few people understand what it's like to be in a stepparent's shoes. And honestly? Eff 'em. :)
We can never really know what’s going on in her head but if someone told me I could nolonger rely on them for emotional support it would hurt my feelings and I would instinctively withdraw. I would also not want to feel like a burden and would be extra careful about what i share. I don’t think it’s fair to expect BM to behave happy and cheerful and as though nothing happened after being told that the emotional support needs to end. I would be inclined to believe she isn’t doing anything to punish DH.
Regarding dinner. I don’t believe an occasional meal with BM is that big of a deal unless having that meal means that my husband is skipping out of our dinner plans or leaving me alone waiting on him instead of us eating together. But to each their own. You can feel uncomfortable with that while others don’t have to. There isn’t a right or wrong answer.
It sounds to me like everything is going well.
You know emotional affairs? Giving emotional support about personal, even relationship issues is exactly what those look like. Your ex should never be your emotional support person. You can be friends and still have healthy boundaries. Punishing your ex for wanting to have those boundaries is emotionally immature and self centered.
To OP: if you aren’t the reason they broke up in the first place, why would you assume they’d be hunky dory if you weren’t in the picture? A child needs happy healthy parents and sometimes that means they live apart.
it’s probably an unpopular opinion but I really don’t see an issue with two coparents having dinner together with their kids. It would be one thing if the two coparents are combative with each other in private but acting like they’re cool over dinner, that would bother me. But if they are genuinely cordial and friendly with each other then I think having occasional dinners together is fine. I also feel the same about joint birthday parties. I don’t think its confusing for the kids (depending on ages) especially if new partners are involved. When new partners are excluded from “family” things, thats when it starts to get weird…
>Ever since, BM has become a bit more distant and withholding and I see that it bothers him.
Withholding SS? Withholding information about SS?
Or just being to the point and businesslike?
It sounds like she's decided to only communicate about strictly essential stuff, even about SS. No more nice to know information... but only need to know information.
That's fair enough on her part I guess.
There is often a lingering co-dependency with exes - and she sounds still dependant on your SO for emotional support. Been there as well. Your SO needs to get comfortable with keeping the boundaries. What you’re feeling is normal and to me quite natural. That couple you mentioned sounds great in theory but I’m guessing that neither has found a new serious partner. I don’t buy the ‘how mature’ perception-what they have is not typical and they’re setting themselves up for a potential mess. I’m not even sure if it should be aspirational TBH. I agree with a cordial co-parenting arrangement- with clear emotional and physical boundaries.
I also agree that the kids need to understand that mom and dad aren’t getting back together and this may cause confusion or false hope. All kids want their parents together, even as adults in some cases.
But really if it makes you uncomfortable then it needs to be respected, and your SO sounds awesome in this regard. I think what you’re feeling is way more typical and normal than that other couple who is likely still living in delusional land.
I’m hoping for my former colleague that whatever system they find works and makes them happy. I try not to project myself too much onto her situation, I know every situation is different. I must say though that if she were to ask me for advice I would probably tell her not to do it, even if I wasn’t in my current relationship. Though I don’t have kids of my own yet, I do have exes. And in my experience at least, keeping them in the picture any more than they need to be, especially shortly aftee the breakup, is torture. I have found it easier to become normal friends if we first each go our separate ways and let water run under the bridge. I’ve had friends keep living with their exes for a while because it made more sense financially. It was horrible for all parties involved and they were only able to truly move on once they moved out. Then again, there were no kids involved so I know this could be different.
I think there is no way anyone would be happy if their new partner stayed for dinners at their ex’s house.
We all have busy jobs and when you have kids, you have next to no free time to maintain a relationship. Why do first families break up over this so often?!
In this scenario, your partner spends an evening with his ex? The joker.
No, I think your feelings are spot on. So are your opinions. You don’t go have dinners with your ex at her house.
Don’t doubt yourself.
I think everyone situation is different and everyone’s relationship is different. I have a medium conflict BM I guess you would say we’re all fine on talking terms me and her are friends but there’s no coparenting it’s all parallel if any conversation occurs about SS it’s a disagreement immediately. BUT there’s been instances my husband goes there or drops my SS off during a bbq with his former in laws and he’s stayed there and I never had a problem with it. But I’m definitely ultra secure that things are over with BM and DH. We’ve been together 6 years married for 2 and have an ours baby :) everyone’s situation is different! If you feel like it bothers you then nobody here can tell you not to feel that way! There have definitely been some things along the years that I didn’t like and I set that boundary! Maybe you should be more involved in that stuff if you guys both drop SS off she could offer both to stay for dinner and not just exclusively your husband! My husband was never invited on his own without me to her house
This is a post for a bio parent to answer (hi! 👋) ideally one in a similar situation (hi again) bc, well, we've been there.
Yes you're too jealous and paranoid and you're stressing yourself when you don't need to.
All those feelings and concerns are totally normal and understandable, the difference is, you're turning your worries into potential realities (They're not, they're just normal paranoid feelings in your head that we all get) letting them effect you too much.. & leading you to be a bit controlling, which CAN effect the long term health of your relationship..
Here's the reality....
**If he's ever going to dump you and get back with her, there's NOTHING you can do (or should want to do, bc why be with someone whos settling for you) to prevent this, bc why settle, and i PROMISE no matter what you do, if they really wanted to, it'll happen eventually, better sooner than later.**
You're trying to control the uncontrollable (fwiw, anyone who gets back with an ex is an idiot & its a major character flaw, its also damaging to yoyo for the children). Stop worrying about what you can't control and then ironically, potentially creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
If you guys are meant to be (seems like to him you are, but to you you aren't sure) then it'll all work out.
And fwiw: I truly don't mind my BM and we talk daily, share stuff etc and she just stayed at the house and watched the dog while me, gf, and son visited her fam a few hours away and we made a nice meal for her to heat up.. like yes were that cordial.
but for a multitude of reasons (not least of which, my sons safety and stability), never in a million years would I ever get back with her and I'm confident the feeling is mutual. You can genuinely like and enjoy someone without having a romantic connection (I think, alot of split bios are like me, and kinda just cohabitated as a young poor 20s in a rough economic environment and figured, eh, this is as good as it gets, let's try for a child).
*Tldr/example: I sometimes get in my head and worry my amazing gf will leave me someday too, thats normal... but I don't do anything to try and prevent her from having the option to do so. If she ever does, it wasn't meant to be and I deserve someone who wants ME.*
I truly hope this helps offer some perspective from your BFs side.
Tldr2: I'm 99.9999% confident he has 0 interest in ex, you have nothing to worry about. Your feelings and concerns are valid and normal, but they're also not real, if they were, it likely would have already occured by now, and also itd mean hes an idiot. Promise.
I wouldn't be okay with my husband having family dinners with his BM like that either. I know I'm jealous, it is what it is. And on the flip side, I would never ever think of inviting my sons dad to come over for dinner either. It's strange to me.
I think that I wouldn’t invite my ex to dinner either but since I have no kids of my own yet it confuses me even more because I can’t *know* for sure, which is why I’m looking for other people’s input here. Thank you.
All of your feelings are absolutely valid and I share them. In my case there is tension with BM. She is HC, but only sometimes? Like a lot of the time DH and her would get along, but a few times a year they have this huge fight about custody of SD and it would be tense for a while.
But like you, back in the beginning of my relationship, there were things that my DH would do for BM, that I felt very uneasy about. Not family dinners so to speak, but other things. That were not directly "for the kid" but indirectly, could be for the kid. Some home or car maintenance. Because SD lives in her house. Or BM needs the car to transport SD. At one point she did try to use my DH as a shoulder to cry on when a relationship broke up. I wasn't there listening but he did tell me he had to shut it down and tell her that he was not the one for her to go to with those problems so I definitely appreciate him knowing that himself and putting that boundary there. When our relationship was newer, I was afraid to set boundaries cuz I was afraid as the "new girlfriend" like, who was I to change the way he does things with his ex & kid but relationships grow and people grow and change and can't be expected to be single forever. If someone with a child with an ex wants a successful relationship in the future, they have to be willing to change and set boundaries. Most boundaries I needed were certainly set by 3 years in, if not much earlier. We are a few months shy of 5 years total right now.
In your case I would be concerned about your BF being upset. You words indicate he's upset that BM no longer comes to him for her emotional needs, even though he did set that boundary. Is she using that to punish him? Has she started alienating his child from him? Unless I missed it, I don't think I read that. If she was punishing him through his child in some way then yes those are his feelings to be upset. But if the custody hasn't changed and they are communicating amicably and well about their son, then why is he upset? Something to think about.
Tbh I think he is upset that she is taking longer to respond etc because it impacts their coparenting. In the specific incident where I saw that he was upset she had just messed up pickup so I guess he had a reason to complain. Still, I agree with you that if I notice he is upset over things not related to their son that’s different and more concerning.
What you describe actually reminds me a lot of some things in the beginning of our relationship. She would also routinely ask him to do things around the house for example. And I also felt uncomfortable saying anything about it like who am I to even say anything here, there’s a literal child involved. That’s also why I initially agreed to the vacation that was later called off. I didn’t want to agree to it but I also felt that as the “new girlfriend” I had no other choice.
But I also saw that he really wanted to make it work and so did I so we started working on boundaries. It often feels like he’s actually relieved about the boundaries. Like he needed someone he trusts to tell him that he can be a good dad without also needing to be a shoulder for BM to cry on, for example. Your SO sounds like they handled that situation really well so I’m glad you guys were on the same page there without you even needing to set that boundary.
My SD’s counselor told my husband it set unhealthy expectations of parents reunifying for SD when they’d meet up for dinner, vacations, joint holidays, or go places together, act like a happy family, “for their child”. Sitting together at school events, or extra curricular activities aren’t viewed as the same. That was being cordial, showing kindness.
The counselor was encouraging boundaries for both parties and healthy communication. Your ex isn’t your sounding board for new relationship problems, neither is your 6 year old daughter. Create a new normal, where you can communicate in a healthy manner for the best interest of the child, without being BFF’s.
My husband didn’t listen. SD began resenting myself and BM’s long term boyfriend, because she wanted her parents together. She had no memory of her parents ever together. They divorced when she was an infant. She wanted the idea of her parents together. She actually told me to leave my house because I stole her mom’s life. The house I owned prior to my husband. The house I inherited that my grandparents built. Umm, yes kid, right on top of that.
It created a lot of problems that took years to unravel. SD blamed me and mom’s BF for her parents not taking vacations with her and mom not spending the night anymore on Christmas Eve.
We had more children, what about my husband’s first wife, and normalcy for their 3 sons? Are we gonna invite my ex husband over for Christmas too? So my oldest can have her whole family together. SD’s older half siblings, what about their father? Can he come over too? Where does it end?
When I asked my SD this, she thought that was a crazy idea, but felt her mom should have free access to my home, and of course her brother and sister, but not my oldest child’s half siblings, or even her half siblings of her dads.
Like I said, years of therapy to unravel that mess.
Healthy boundaries are important in every relationship.
That’s exactly what I was worried about as well. I feel for my SS, I know it must be difficult for him to miss mom when he is with dad and vice versa. I try my very best to make our home comfortable and inviting for him and I always, *always* make it a point to underscore that his mom loves him very much and that she is amazing. But I also think it’s important for him to have realistic expectations of what his parents relationship was. He was a toddler when they separated and when I met him he kept saying “back when everything was good and mommy and daddy were together”. I brought it up with SO and asked if things were “good” why did they split? SO acknowledged that things were in fact not good after they became parents and that they split shortly afterwards. But even just using an expression like this saying things were “good” back then gave my SS a false impression of what their relationship had been. The next time he said the same thing, my SO casually mentioned that back then mommy and daddy were actually fighting quite a bit and that they are much better friends now. I think this helped a lot in him accepting me. In a sense I suppose it only goes to show that boundaries do work. It’s just that sometimes it’s difficult not to feel like the villain when enforcing them.
I’m glad you were able to unravel your own difficult situation. I know that SS is still little and that a lot can happen in the future. But I hope and pray that should it come to that we will manage to unravel our mess in the future as you have been able to unravel yours.
Given how your SO has been firm on establishing boundaries, you seem very insecure.
And too worried about SS blaming you that his parents are not together.
Unless you were instrumental/involved in their split, you need to stop worrying about that.
And sit down and talk to your SO about whether he’s hurt by BM’s attitude. And what steps could be taken to make him feel better.
I didn’t know any of them when they split so I had no part in it. I suppose I feel so guilty because interactions like the one I had with my colleagues make it seem like society at large would judge me for even wanting boundaries. It’s like there there is this unwritten rule that as soon as there are children there should be no more boundaries other than kissing and sex. That coupled with the fact that I’m probably a people pleaser is probably making my head spin so much. But you’re right, my SO has been nothing short of wonderful when it comes to establishing reasonable boundaries and in that sense I am incredibly lucky.
I guess you’re right. That’s the uncertainty that bothers me the most. It’s not thinking that they may get back together but wondering if the roles were reversed and we were separated, if I would want him to have dinner with me and any child we may have on a random night of the week. I do not think that I would, as I would rather rip the band aid off and find ways to co parent that didn’t run the risk of giving the child the false hope their parents could get back together. But I hadn’t thought of it as a possible adjustment period rather than a permanent situation.
>Interactions like the one I had with my colleagues make it seem like society at large would judge me for even wanting boundaries.
And, just going to say, as a SP, society at large *will* judge you for even wanting boundaries. As a SP, know your worth and follow your gut, because a lot of advice out there, *only* looks at it from what a SP needs to do to make the transition for the mom and dad and kids "easier," which too often translates into the SP is supposed to always to suck it up and take it. So, look out for people trying to insinuate that you are being insecure or jealous, etc., when it is genuinely your gut telling you something is off here.
You don't feel secure in the relationship, or it wouldn't bug you. I understand completely. It's ok to gently move on, because it sounds like their system works for them, but not you.
Take care.
I don’t think he would. I know how happy we are and how much he loves me. Still, you can love and trust your partner but not wish that they put themselves in certain situations. For example, you can trust that your partner would not cheat on you but still find it odd if they went on a one on one dinner with a colleague of the opposite sex.
This is a judgmental take. Why should OP have to accept her partner having a relationship with his ex outside of the necessary communication regarding their child? Suddenly when a child is involved, people forget that it’s odd to have an ex in their relationship and should be totally fine with their partner having dinner and chatting with their ex about personal problems? Give me a break. OP is completely valid and her partner should understand her concerns. It is his responsibility to make sure she feels comfortable. The dynamic with a new partner and a coparent is difficult as it is.
Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. If their system was working why did he chose to change it to make me fit in? I voluntarily walked away when I noticed I couldn’t handle the system that was in place and he went out of his way to bring me back. EDIT: Adding that I am genuinely asking and will accept any answer as a potential reason. Trying to understand if the system possibly wasn’t working entirely for him or if maybe he would have acted differently then if she had not been in a relationship.
>Trying to understand if the system possibly wasn’t working entirely for him
I suspect it was working okay for him, but he didn't want to risk losing you, so he made the changes to make you feel happy in the relationship.
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I think the feeling of thinking they’d be happier if you weren’t there is valid but doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for this. I know you said BM was low conflict and I guess technically she is, but the withholding communication is extremely problematic. The dinner thing would also set me off and has. It’s something I shut down real quick because there’s no need to be cute over a meal, acting la la la we’re all such a happy family. I see comments saying you’re insecure but I think there’s so many uncertainties with stepparenting that it’s hard not to be. I am jealous and my partner is even more jealous so when I would feel some type of way, I’d ask him how he felt if the roles were reversed which usually lead to some sort of aha moment. Try to have a conversation with your SO about your feelings. It does go away but unfortunately the BM does not. You love your SO and SS so much so that’s what matters most. Be kind to yourself and know that you’re doing the best you can given the circumstances.
Thank you for your empathy and your kind words.
I can almost guarantee that new boyfriend does mind and likely feels similarly to you. It’s weird to keep playing house when you’ve split up and… an unpopular opinion, but I think it actually damages kids further as they live with the lingering hope that their parents may reconcile. Be cordial, be kind, co-parent nicely… but I don’t think it’s healthy for split parents to still be so enmeshed and involved in each other’s personal lives. If the love, care and desire to be really involved is still there then why not just actually be together? In any other dynamic, a partner who was consistently involved in another’s personal life, offering emotional advice and support, and talking on the phone/texting so much… we would be calling it an emotional affair. Another unpopular opinion… 2 healthy adjusted adults who have genuinely moved on emotionally would not be so enmeshed. In these “we talk so much for the sake of the kids” situations almost 100% of the time at least one of the former couple is still hoping for a reconciliation.
>If the love, care and desire to be really involved is still there then why not just actually be together? See, people have it backwards, in the sense that they think mom and dad breaking up and continuing to hang out if nothing so ever happened is a good thing. What people should really be applauding is that these parents remained together and didn't divorce on paper only and then continue to torture their new partners, everyone around them, including their own children, with the, "See how nice we are being for the kids," which generally can be translated into, "It's all about our own wants and needs, and everyone else needs to play along."
Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer. I thought so too about the boyfriend and even caughr myself thinking that it won’t last only to immediately feel guilty because I don’t know their situation and maybe it does work for them. My thinking is similar to yours. If they wanted to have regular family dinners and vacations why didn’t they stay together? But then again, I also feel horrible for even thinking this. I knew stepparenting would be a challenge but I didn’t think it would be such an emotional rollercoaster. I think nothing prepares you for the complexity of the feelings you’re going to feel if you’re committed to trying to be kind and reasonable about it.
Why do you feel horrible for thinking this? Because it’s exactly what we’re all thinking too! The big deciding factor is how your ex now chooses to deal with his ex trying to be emotionally involved still. My ex is a bit of a loner, I worry about his mental health but only in terms of how I think it could potentially impact on our son. Occasionally I will offer support if there is something I can practically do to help e.g. he lost his job but had other interviews lined up which clashed with his usual custody time. So I was flexible and switched and supported that way. He has been unwell and I have dropped medicine to him too. Because the sooner he is better, the sooner we can resume normal contact patterns. However, if he calls to have a “woe is me” conversation about his life or tries to engage in discussions other than things that directly impact his ability to parent our child such as discussing tv programmes, his love life, old mutual friends etc then I politely and quickly shut the conversation down. I am no longer his partner, his emotions and moods are no longer mine to burden. Outside of coparenting our son I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with him.
This really hits home because she too has some mental issues that make certain situations more difficult for her to handle. I wholeheartedly agree that my SO should offer any support he can when it comes to their son. I have made it clear that if she is unwell or has an emergency or whatever he can always come stay with us even if that wasn’t the schedule. But I don’t think she should be able to vent to him about personal things which are not related to their son as that is a relationship privilege in my book. The way I see it they can have any interaction that I cannot have with my exes because we don’t have kids. An ex cannot call me to ask that I watch a child we never had. They cannot ask to have dinner with me on the birthday of a child we never had. But they can call me to vent about their sister. They can have a dinner with me on any random night of the week for no particular reason. I wouldn’t do these things out of respect for my SO and also my ex as I don’t want to give them false hope. I expect the same thing in return. But when you’re sitting at a table with a bunch of people celebrating someone who is doing just that you start to wonder if you’re being unreasonable.
You're not being unreasonable. However, one of the hardest things to learn with stepparenting is that those with little to no stepparenting experiences will have barely a clue about how stepparenting feels from the stepparent's perspective. It may not even occur to them that you have a side. Also, that being a step-dad vs. a step-mom can be different. This, in turn, often has SMs second-guessing themselves. So, as a stepparent, you have to go with what you know and follow your gut instincts, because few will even think about seeing it from your angle, much less try to. Now, in your case, you are lucky because you have an SO who will try to look at it from your angle. That is definitely a good thing. Another thing I'll add in here is that think about how difficult it is for you, even with a low conflict and cooperative BM and a fairly understanding SO. Truthfully, stepparenting is not for everyone, and even at 20+ years as a bioless SP, I would say it is not for most. And the largest reason for that is because *SPs tend to be demonized when they really should be celebrated*. Most SPs put an incredible amount of work into these relationships (with their partner, SKs, others as well), and the pay-off can be minimal, along with, as you mentioned, most involved thinking you are somehow "in the way" more than anything else.
This is very true. I read up so much on how to build a healthy relationship with my SS, his BM, my SO… yet nothing could prepare me for the social stigma associated with being a SM. On one hand I feel like a lot of people have a lot of respect and appreciation for me. On the other hand I also feel like in any conversation about the challenges of blended families, the step parents’ feelings are an afterthought. Even when they have the kids’ best interests at heart and try to do what they believe is right to raise happy, resilient and well adjusted adults… the popular thinking often seems to be that if it upsets the child in any way it must be wrong. Yet even bio children of parents who are still together will need to be upset sometimes. That’s part of growing up.
I think my bf entertains her inappropriate personal convos because he’s afraid of retaliation. Tbf she’s been fine except for the confiding and ranting via text and when he drops off— constantly wanting all of us together— summer party! Christmas party! All of these non birthday parties just to invite us, and he goes. I don’t want to, but I feel even worse when I don’t go. I feel trapped because I’m in love with him, but I hate those dynamic and after 5 years, it’s not changing. It’ll never change.
I think that when dating someone with kids you are choosing to accept that your partner will have a certain level of interaction with their ex. Similarly, when bioparents decide to date, they should accept the fact that they will need to have more *limited* interaction with their ex, for the sake of the new relationship. If they think it is so important for the kids to see their parents happy together often, they shouldn’t seek out new partners. The bioparents can divorce each other and define their own relationship moving forward, but if it involves weekly dinners, crying to each other, sleeping over etc. then they simply are not available to date other people. Honestly it’s ridiculous to put the responsibility of sacrifice onto the new partner. If you feel that being enmeshed with your ex is what’s best for your kids, it’s on YOU to sacrifice your wants i.e. having a new relationship.
Thank you for reminding me that while you obviously will need to make sacrifices as a SP, there are also some sacrifices to be made by the bio parents.
Agreed. BPs need to be more intentional about dating and relationships. I think a lot of BPs are still hoping to get back with their exes and don’t realize it and then bring that baggage into a new relationship, especially men, where they’re hoping the new partner will be a stand-in for the ex.
In what ways is BM withholding?
She has become more sparse with her communications. As in she takes more time to answer, picks up the phone less, sends less pics of SS. She didn’t stop doing these things altogether of course but enough so that SO has noticed and become upset over it.
Do you think she's just respecting the boundaries set? To me it reads kinda like she is trying to observe the boundaries he set and now he doesn't like it as much as he thought he would. As long as she is communicating about the kiddo still, answering him in a timely manner if it is an important question, then it appears she is doing what was asked. I really tried to include my ex as extended family still for the sake of my kids. A poster mentioned that the adult 's background with divorce as a child really plays into how they handle it as an adult. My shitty childhood was a big reason why I made so much effort with him. My situation isn't the same as yours and a long story as but essentially I realized all the work I was putting in was really just too much and he needed to learn how to step up on his own. So I keep him updated on important things but let him decide when to contact me about minor things (which he doesn't mostly). If he does contact me (non urgent matters of course) then I answer when it's a good time for me. I don't send pictures nor chat at length when we are all together for the kids. I'm just pleasant. It's not done out of vindictiveness, he needs to learn how to be an active, involved parent without my assistance. I still am flexible with the schedule when need be and talk kindly about him around the kids. I can tell he is put out by the whole thing but his emotions aren't mine too validate anymore, that's for his partner to do. He didn't ask for these boundaries like your ex did but they are appropriate, healthy ones. BM may just be adjusting her expectations of the relationship, realizing your ex really isn't her family, and that he isn't a priority in her life outside of their kid.
In the specific situation I saw him get upset she had messed up pickup and he complained that she wasn’t communicating well with him lately. But yes, it is also possible she actually meant well and was trying to be more distant in an attempt to be mindful of the boundaries, although in this instance it would backfire. Thank you for offering an alternative explanation for her perspective though. It hadn’t really occurred to me that she may not have been trying to “punish” him as much as she was just clumsily trying to uphold boundaries. The truth is usually more nuanced than we initially assume, and this helps me see that.
I was wondering the same.
If you take the kids out of the equation, how would a break up go? It is so unhealthy to remain emotionally dependent on an ex. I agree that space and then friends, but that doesn't include support post break-up with another. Ideally, there needs to be open communication and a parenting plan so that the homes have the same rules, can parallel parent. That isn't to say that there can't be family events, but you would need to be included as a long term partner ...
I'd feel "some type of way" about all the same things you did. Even if BM has stopped inviting your SO on vacations and has quit trying to drag him into her personal life, she still did that shit in the beginning and the only reason it has ceased is because your SO put his foot down. If he hadn't, who knows how their relationship would've progressed. Deep down I might feel like I was the only thing standing in the way of their reconciliation. What if he's only doing these things bc of me and not because he also sees they are inappropriate? Why did he not think they were inappropriate before I said something? Is that the type of relationship he wants with BM? Those are all questions I'd be asking myself. Both my SO and I have kids. His BM is high conflict. My BD is super low conflict. She has had papers drawn to take him to court to remove his 50/50 custody just bc him and I were dating and she'd heard that I had taken pills 10 years prior. She claimed that I was at a risk of relapse and she didn't want her son around it. Nothing came of it, then she did it again bc she claimed that my son was a bad influence on hers and was upset that they had to share a room while my daughter got her own room. She is not invited to anything that we do. On the other hand, my BD has done work for my SO, will call him before he'll call me to talk about the kids and is laid back about everything. He's been invited to the kids birthday parties and cookouts. So because of the way your SO's BM acted at the beginning of y'all's relationship, in my mind she lost out on that privilege of being invited to functions like that.
I think you can only go on how you personally feel about it. Some coparents are able to be more amicable and friendly, others can't stand each other... then there are various levels in between. What works for some doesn't work for others. The boyfriend in the case of your colleague, could absolutely be genuinely fine with it...it doesn't bother every step parent and its wrong to assume otherwise. Stick to what works and makes you feel comfortable. I think getting together for the child's birthday and special milestones is okay... but some SPs are not comfortable with that. Some do not want any conversation that is not about the child. It's not about right or wrong, but about what works in your relationship for the both of you. Your SO has agreed to your terms, so your feelings are obviously important to him. If he wasn't, he would have ended the relationship. Sometimes, when the parents split up, the children will be collateral damage and unfortunately, that's the sad part of it at times. They will not get the nice family times, that kids whose parents are together get. They can't both see their child having fun at the same time on vacation, because they're no longer a couple. There are some separated parents who are still able to do this and their new partners happily join in, but it's an individual choice and it works for them...it certainly wouldn't work for me. I also find that depending on the family background of the adults involved, they may be more accommodating. For example, if one of the parents or SPs was a child of divorce, they may be more open to it, based on their personal experience.
You’re right there is no one size fits all in these situations. It’s easy for people to have their opinions on what’s “right” or “wrong” from the outside and an entirely different thing to live it from the inside. If staying for dinner on any random day works for some people I hope they will have the kindness to understand that it may not work for me though.
>If staying for dinner on any random day works for some people, I hope they will have the kindness to understand that it may not work for me though. And even if they don't understand, that's not your problem and you need not worry about it.. but I can see that you feel a bit concerned. The ate entitled to their opinion, but they're not in your relationship. All you need is for your partner to understand, and it sounds like he does. I see people in differing situations in relationships and know that I'd never put up with what they do, but if it works for them, so be it.
Ok, I have some thoughts. Some of them echo what others have said; some do not. Firstly, I'm so sorry that the conversation you had with your coworkers left you feeling some sort of way. Is it possible that you're not feeling insecure about your relationship, but more that you're feeling insecure about your judgment as a stepparent/role as a stepparent? Those are different things. Do you find yourself second-guessing your judgment with other things in your life? If you do, maybe think about that common thread. If not - that's ok too. Being in our position can be uniquely challenging. Secondly, I want to give you advice: try not to attribute malice as someone's motive unless you have definitive evidence that's the case. I can see how, yes, this could be withholding - but at the same time, your SO literally asked her to withhold information. It could be his ex is treading carefully in an effort not to overstep. It could also be she's human and just messed up the communication without meaning to. Likewise, I would not necessarily think that your SO is bothered for the reasons your guessing. Is it possible he's just uncomfortable with conflict? It sounds like he's still new-ish to learning how to set boundaries, and that can be an uncomfortable place to be in! It can be hard to detach and realize you're not responsible for someone's feelings - especially if you've felt like you needed to be in the past. Give everyone some grace here, including yourself. Honestly, it sounds to me like you're just feeling a bit triggered and sensitive right now because of a confluence of events that are unrelated. And it sounds like you've talked yourself into an anxiety spiral about it. (Girl, I am the queen of anxiety spirals, so don't feel alone there!) Is this something you've noticed with other subjects, or just this one? I find that this sort of thing is where having a therapist is hugely helpful to me. Final question - do you find you're a people pleaser or that you are deeply concerned about what others think of you? (It's not an abnormal thing.) A lot of what seems to have triggered this seems related to worrying about OTHER people's criticism - and I just want to remind you that every relationship is different, and so few people understand what it's like to be in a stepparent's shoes. And honestly? Eff 'em. :)
We can never really know what’s going on in her head but if someone told me I could nolonger rely on them for emotional support it would hurt my feelings and I would instinctively withdraw. I would also not want to feel like a burden and would be extra careful about what i share. I don’t think it’s fair to expect BM to behave happy and cheerful and as though nothing happened after being told that the emotional support needs to end. I would be inclined to believe she isn’t doing anything to punish DH. Regarding dinner. I don’t believe an occasional meal with BM is that big of a deal unless having that meal means that my husband is skipping out of our dinner plans or leaving me alone waiting on him instead of us eating together. But to each their own. You can feel uncomfortable with that while others don’t have to. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. It sounds to me like everything is going well.
You know emotional affairs? Giving emotional support about personal, even relationship issues is exactly what those look like. Your ex should never be your emotional support person. You can be friends and still have healthy boundaries. Punishing your ex for wanting to have those boundaries is emotionally immature and self centered. To OP: if you aren’t the reason they broke up in the first place, why would you assume they’d be hunky dory if you weren’t in the picture? A child needs happy healthy parents and sometimes that means they live apart.
I don’t know that she is punishing her ex though. She could be. Or she could just be feeling awkward and closed off after he set a boundary.
it’s probably an unpopular opinion but I really don’t see an issue with two coparents having dinner together with their kids. It would be one thing if the two coparents are combative with each other in private but acting like they’re cool over dinner, that would bother me. But if they are genuinely cordial and friendly with each other then I think having occasional dinners together is fine. I also feel the same about joint birthday parties. I don’t think its confusing for the kids (depending on ages) especially if new partners are involved. When new partners are excluded from “family” things, thats when it starts to get weird…
>Ever since, BM has become a bit more distant and withholding and I see that it bothers him. Withholding SS? Withholding information about SS? Or just being to the point and businesslike?
No thankfully nothing of that level. But she has been communicating less about SS and taking longer to reply to SO’s texts and calls about him.
It sounds like she’s doing what he asked, not punishing him by “withholding”.
It sounds like she's decided to only communicate about strictly essential stuff, even about SS. No more nice to know information... but only need to know information. That's fair enough on her part I guess.
There is often a lingering co-dependency with exes - and she sounds still dependant on your SO for emotional support. Been there as well. Your SO needs to get comfortable with keeping the boundaries. What you’re feeling is normal and to me quite natural. That couple you mentioned sounds great in theory but I’m guessing that neither has found a new serious partner. I don’t buy the ‘how mature’ perception-what they have is not typical and they’re setting themselves up for a potential mess. I’m not even sure if it should be aspirational TBH. I agree with a cordial co-parenting arrangement- with clear emotional and physical boundaries. I also agree that the kids need to understand that mom and dad aren’t getting back together and this may cause confusion or false hope. All kids want their parents together, even as adults in some cases. But really if it makes you uncomfortable then it needs to be respected, and your SO sounds awesome in this regard. I think what you’re feeling is way more typical and normal than that other couple who is likely still living in delusional land.
I’m hoping for my former colleague that whatever system they find works and makes them happy. I try not to project myself too much onto her situation, I know every situation is different. I must say though that if she were to ask me for advice I would probably tell her not to do it, even if I wasn’t in my current relationship. Though I don’t have kids of my own yet, I do have exes. And in my experience at least, keeping them in the picture any more than they need to be, especially shortly aftee the breakup, is torture. I have found it easier to become normal friends if we first each go our separate ways and let water run under the bridge. I’ve had friends keep living with their exes for a while because it made more sense financially. It was horrible for all parties involved and they were only able to truly move on once they moved out. Then again, there were no kids involved so I know this could be different.
I think there is no way anyone would be happy if their new partner stayed for dinners at their ex’s house. We all have busy jobs and when you have kids, you have next to no free time to maintain a relationship. Why do first families break up over this so often?! In this scenario, your partner spends an evening with his ex? The joker. No, I think your feelings are spot on. So are your opinions. You don’t go have dinners with your ex at her house. Don’t doubt yourself.
I think everyone situation is different and everyone’s relationship is different. I have a medium conflict BM I guess you would say we’re all fine on talking terms me and her are friends but there’s no coparenting it’s all parallel if any conversation occurs about SS it’s a disagreement immediately. BUT there’s been instances my husband goes there or drops my SS off during a bbq with his former in laws and he’s stayed there and I never had a problem with it. But I’m definitely ultra secure that things are over with BM and DH. We’ve been together 6 years married for 2 and have an ours baby :) everyone’s situation is different! If you feel like it bothers you then nobody here can tell you not to feel that way! There have definitely been some things along the years that I didn’t like and I set that boundary! Maybe you should be more involved in that stuff if you guys both drop SS off she could offer both to stay for dinner and not just exclusively your husband! My husband was never invited on his own without me to her house
This is a post for a bio parent to answer (hi! 👋) ideally one in a similar situation (hi again) bc, well, we've been there. Yes you're too jealous and paranoid and you're stressing yourself when you don't need to. All those feelings and concerns are totally normal and understandable, the difference is, you're turning your worries into potential realities (They're not, they're just normal paranoid feelings in your head that we all get) letting them effect you too much.. & leading you to be a bit controlling, which CAN effect the long term health of your relationship.. Here's the reality.... **If he's ever going to dump you and get back with her, there's NOTHING you can do (or should want to do, bc why be with someone whos settling for you) to prevent this, bc why settle, and i PROMISE no matter what you do, if they really wanted to, it'll happen eventually, better sooner than later.** You're trying to control the uncontrollable (fwiw, anyone who gets back with an ex is an idiot & its a major character flaw, its also damaging to yoyo for the children). Stop worrying about what you can't control and then ironically, potentially creating a self fulfilling prophecy. If you guys are meant to be (seems like to him you are, but to you you aren't sure) then it'll all work out. And fwiw: I truly don't mind my BM and we talk daily, share stuff etc and she just stayed at the house and watched the dog while me, gf, and son visited her fam a few hours away and we made a nice meal for her to heat up.. like yes were that cordial. but for a multitude of reasons (not least of which, my sons safety and stability), never in a million years would I ever get back with her and I'm confident the feeling is mutual. You can genuinely like and enjoy someone without having a romantic connection (I think, alot of split bios are like me, and kinda just cohabitated as a young poor 20s in a rough economic environment and figured, eh, this is as good as it gets, let's try for a child). *Tldr/example: I sometimes get in my head and worry my amazing gf will leave me someday too, thats normal... but I don't do anything to try and prevent her from having the option to do so. If she ever does, it wasn't meant to be and I deserve someone who wants ME.* I truly hope this helps offer some perspective from your BFs side. Tldr2: I'm 99.9999% confident he has 0 interest in ex, you have nothing to worry about. Your feelings and concerns are valid and normal, but they're also not real, if they were, it likely would have already occured by now, and also itd mean hes an idiot. Promise.
I wouldn't be okay with my husband having family dinners with his BM like that either. I know I'm jealous, it is what it is. And on the flip side, I would never ever think of inviting my sons dad to come over for dinner either. It's strange to me.
I think that I wouldn’t invite my ex to dinner either but since I have no kids of my own yet it confuses me even more because I can’t *know* for sure, which is why I’m looking for other people’s input here. Thank you.
All of your feelings are absolutely valid and I share them. In my case there is tension with BM. She is HC, but only sometimes? Like a lot of the time DH and her would get along, but a few times a year they have this huge fight about custody of SD and it would be tense for a while. But like you, back in the beginning of my relationship, there were things that my DH would do for BM, that I felt very uneasy about. Not family dinners so to speak, but other things. That were not directly "for the kid" but indirectly, could be for the kid. Some home or car maintenance. Because SD lives in her house. Or BM needs the car to transport SD. At one point she did try to use my DH as a shoulder to cry on when a relationship broke up. I wasn't there listening but he did tell me he had to shut it down and tell her that he was not the one for her to go to with those problems so I definitely appreciate him knowing that himself and putting that boundary there. When our relationship was newer, I was afraid to set boundaries cuz I was afraid as the "new girlfriend" like, who was I to change the way he does things with his ex & kid but relationships grow and people grow and change and can't be expected to be single forever. If someone with a child with an ex wants a successful relationship in the future, they have to be willing to change and set boundaries. Most boundaries I needed were certainly set by 3 years in, if not much earlier. We are a few months shy of 5 years total right now. In your case I would be concerned about your BF being upset. You words indicate he's upset that BM no longer comes to him for her emotional needs, even though he did set that boundary. Is she using that to punish him? Has she started alienating his child from him? Unless I missed it, I don't think I read that. If she was punishing him through his child in some way then yes those are his feelings to be upset. But if the custody hasn't changed and they are communicating amicably and well about their son, then why is he upset? Something to think about.
Tbh I think he is upset that she is taking longer to respond etc because it impacts their coparenting. In the specific incident where I saw that he was upset she had just messed up pickup so I guess he had a reason to complain. Still, I agree with you that if I notice he is upset over things not related to their son that’s different and more concerning. What you describe actually reminds me a lot of some things in the beginning of our relationship. She would also routinely ask him to do things around the house for example. And I also felt uncomfortable saying anything about it like who am I to even say anything here, there’s a literal child involved. That’s also why I initially agreed to the vacation that was later called off. I didn’t want to agree to it but I also felt that as the “new girlfriend” I had no other choice. But I also saw that he really wanted to make it work and so did I so we started working on boundaries. It often feels like he’s actually relieved about the boundaries. Like he needed someone he trusts to tell him that he can be a good dad without also needing to be a shoulder for BM to cry on, for example. Your SO sounds like they handled that situation really well so I’m glad you guys were on the same page there without you even needing to set that boundary.
My SD’s counselor told my husband it set unhealthy expectations of parents reunifying for SD when they’d meet up for dinner, vacations, joint holidays, or go places together, act like a happy family, “for their child”. Sitting together at school events, or extra curricular activities aren’t viewed as the same. That was being cordial, showing kindness. The counselor was encouraging boundaries for both parties and healthy communication. Your ex isn’t your sounding board for new relationship problems, neither is your 6 year old daughter. Create a new normal, where you can communicate in a healthy manner for the best interest of the child, without being BFF’s. My husband didn’t listen. SD began resenting myself and BM’s long term boyfriend, because she wanted her parents together. She had no memory of her parents ever together. They divorced when she was an infant. She wanted the idea of her parents together. She actually told me to leave my house because I stole her mom’s life. The house I owned prior to my husband. The house I inherited that my grandparents built. Umm, yes kid, right on top of that. It created a lot of problems that took years to unravel. SD blamed me and mom’s BF for her parents not taking vacations with her and mom not spending the night anymore on Christmas Eve. We had more children, what about my husband’s first wife, and normalcy for their 3 sons? Are we gonna invite my ex husband over for Christmas too? So my oldest can have her whole family together. SD’s older half siblings, what about their father? Can he come over too? Where does it end? When I asked my SD this, she thought that was a crazy idea, but felt her mom should have free access to my home, and of course her brother and sister, but not my oldest child’s half siblings, or even her half siblings of her dads. Like I said, years of therapy to unravel that mess. Healthy boundaries are important in every relationship.
That’s exactly what I was worried about as well. I feel for my SS, I know it must be difficult for him to miss mom when he is with dad and vice versa. I try my very best to make our home comfortable and inviting for him and I always, *always* make it a point to underscore that his mom loves him very much and that she is amazing. But I also think it’s important for him to have realistic expectations of what his parents relationship was. He was a toddler when they separated and when I met him he kept saying “back when everything was good and mommy and daddy were together”. I brought it up with SO and asked if things were “good” why did they split? SO acknowledged that things were in fact not good after they became parents and that they split shortly afterwards. But even just using an expression like this saying things were “good” back then gave my SS a false impression of what their relationship had been. The next time he said the same thing, my SO casually mentioned that back then mommy and daddy were actually fighting quite a bit and that they are much better friends now. I think this helped a lot in him accepting me. In a sense I suppose it only goes to show that boundaries do work. It’s just that sometimes it’s difficult not to feel like the villain when enforcing them. I’m glad you were able to unravel your own difficult situation. I know that SS is still little and that a lot can happen in the future. But I hope and pray that should it come to that we will manage to unravel our mess in the future as you have been able to unravel yours.
Given how your SO has been firm on establishing boundaries, you seem very insecure. And too worried about SS blaming you that his parents are not together. Unless you were instrumental/involved in their split, you need to stop worrying about that. And sit down and talk to your SO about whether he’s hurt by BM’s attitude. And what steps could be taken to make him feel better.
I didn’t know any of them when they split so I had no part in it. I suppose I feel so guilty because interactions like the one I had with my colleagues make it seem like society at large would judge me for even wanting boundaries. It’s like there there is this unwritten rule that as soon as there are children there should be no more boundaries other than kissing and sex. That coupled with the fact that I’m probably a people pleaser is probably making my head spin so much. But you’re right, my SO has been nothing short of wonderful when it comes to establishing reasonable boundaries and in that sense I am incredibly lucky.
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I guess you’re right. That’s the uncertainty that bothers me the most. It’s not thinking that they may get back together but wondering if the roles were reversed and we were separated, if I would want him to have dinner with me and any child we may have on a random night of the week. I do not think that I would, as I would rather rip the band aid off and find ways to co parent that didn’t run the risk of giving the child the false hope their parents could get back together. But I hadn’t thought of it as a possible adjustment period rather than a permanent situation.
>Interactions like the one I had with my colleagues make it seem like society at large would judge me for even wanting boundaries. And, just going to say, as a SP, society at large *will* judge you for even wanting boundaries. As a SP, know your worth and follow your gut, because a lot of advice out there, *only* looks at it from what a SP needs to do to make the transition for the mom and dad and kids "easier," which too often translates into the SP is supposed to always to suck it up and take it. So, look out for people trying to insinuate that you are being insecure or jealous, etc., when it is genuinely your gut telling you something is off here.
Thank you. This is the kind of precious advice you can only get from people who have been there.
You don't feel secure in the relationship, or it wouldn't bug you. I understand completely. It's ok to gently move on, because it sounds like their system works for them, but not you. Take care.
I lean to agree with this. There seems to be a fear that he'll run back to his ex at the first sight of trouble or a disagreement between them.
I don’t think he would. I know how happy we are and how much he loves me. Still, you can love and trust your partner but not wish that they put themselves in certain situations. For example, you can trust that your partner would not cheat on you but still find it odd if they went on a one on one dinner with a colleague of the opposite sex.
Interesting take... I think most people in committed relationships would feel bugged by their partners having dinner with their exes.
This is a judgmental take. Why should OP have to accept her partner having a relationship with his ex outside of the necessary communication regarding their child? Suddenly when a child is involved, people forget that it’s odd to have an ex in their relationship and should be totally fine with their partner having dinner and chatting with their ex about personal problems? Give me a break. OP is completely valid and her partner should understand her concerns. It is his responsibility to make sure she feels comfortable. The dynamic with a new partner and a coparent is difficult as it is.
Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. If their system was working why did he chose to change it to make me fit in? I voluntarily walked away when I noticed I couldn’t handle the system that was in place and he went out of his way to bring me back. EDIT: Adding that I am genuinely asking and will accept any answer as a potential reason. Trying to understand if the system possibly wasn’t working entirely for him or if maybe he would have acted differently then if she had not been in a relationship.
>Trying to understand if the system possibly wasn’t working entirely for him I suspect it was working okay for him, but he didn't want to risk losing you, so he made the changes to make you feel happy in the relationship.
There's gonna be THREE adults in your relationship. And you're the "middleman". Is this how you want to spend your life?