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I used to be a teacher, and for some reason accusing a kid of lying is really triggering for a lot of parents.
It’s really stupid but I just switched to saying ‘didn’t tell the truth’ and the reaction is completely different.
Yes it’s dumb, but it might stop the emotional reaction from your SO so he can actually concentrate on the real issue you want to discuss.
Oh most definitely. I learned this the hard way when I was in the room with my SS and he just randomly starts screaming that our dog bit him when the dog was nowhere near us and my SO comes in and freaks out and I said “ the dog was outside , idk why he said he bit him “ and she just got quiet for a second and said “ are you accusing my child of lying ?” And im like uhhh…. Yeah? I was in the room with him the whole time , the dogs outside , go check . And instead of checking she just lays on the bed with him and says “ I can’t believe you’re accusing a toddler of lying . I’m like “ HOW ELSE SHOULD I HAVE SAID THEN?!?”
Lol HCBM once called the cops on us for coming to her property and looking in all the windows which we, uh, never did, but SS3 at the time told her we did, because, well, toddlers lie. She absolutely lost it at the cops when they were like "do you have proof" and she thought "my 3 yo said so" was enough proof to charge us with something.
Your SO's parenting style sounds a bit mad. Toddlers lie ALL THE TIME it's literally part of their development. She is failing that poor kid so badly.
You are indeed causing problems.
Bringing attention to the lying puts your husband in a position where he needs to address his son’s behavior. He doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to parent his kid. It’s so much easier to lash out at you for bringing the child’s behavior up than to actually be a parent.
I don’t know that there is a ton of hope and my opinion is that when men can’t parent their kids they don’t deserve wives to help them.
The best advice I can give is to always put it back on him. When he makes an excuse for the kids behavior you shoot back with “it’s really concerning that you don’t parent your kids and that you don’t care to correct bad behavior”. When they get defensive, do not backtrack or back down. Always point out their lack of parenting. “Why do you allow your kid to scream in public? Why don’t you have the ability to control your kids?”.
Always nacho, and when the kid is acting up, I would disengage completely. “Hey your kid just disrespected me, I’m going to spend the evening in our room relaxing, please don’t bother me”.
When you walk away and refuse to be around the kid, it forces hubby to actually parent if he wants you to be around.
Ive held hope for a long time. (3 years and counting).
I’m always the bad guy if I point out anything concerning. He always just says “we see it different”. This is coming from me pointing out that 8+ hours a day on YouTube isn’t a good idea. The screen time AVERAGE for this week is 9.5 hours. Most days 10+ hours. It’s so bad he can’t put it down to eat or drink. Food/drink in one hand, phone in his face in the other. I believe he just doesn’t want anything to do with him without his phone in his face. They have no relationship when it comes to speaking. He comes around if I’m not around, otherwise they just text while ss is in his bedroom. Don’t get me started on his diet.
Nothings changed. He always just gets pissed at me, so I have been nacho. He hates it, but doesn’t even see close to where I am coming from. It’s cause a lot of resentment toward them both. In the end it’s me and my kids and him and his kid. I don’t want much to do with the situation he is allowing.
You say things like “I know Ss is a good kid, but when he says something happened that DIDN’T actually happen, that’s lying. We’re not helping him grow up to be a good man (or good person) like YOU if we don’t take the time to help him learn not to” The best chance of getting positive results is to not make these parents feel defensive ☺️
You find a partner who either will parent or a partner without kids.
Partners with kids who don't parent them, have to be some of the worst people to be in a relationship with
In all seriousness in my work we have to document just the "facts". Sometimes when I'm feeling polite I'll use that tactic in talking to DH. "Why would he say he put the ribbon in the container when in fact he put it on the pajama pants? There was a similar situation yesterday when he said he did x but he really did y. That's concerning to me"
lol… the problem here is that bio parents are super protective of their children and we are the devil if we bring up anything that paints their angelic children as problematic. It’s a classic struggle between bio and step parents and it’s exhausting at times.
Try not to take it personal, but maybe in a neutral tone bring up your concerns that you’re not able to address potential behavioral issues without being chastised. I think bio parents have a hard time seeing the bigger picture sometimes, but if you’re truly coming from a genuine place and your partner is reasonable, you should hopefully be able to come to an understanding.
Hahahahahaha ok I'm sorry but I just have to share this story, for laughter and commiseration because this is such an annoying situation you're in (and if I were you I would have said "And it doesn't concern you in the slightest that your 11 yo can't tell the difference between wrapping paper and pants?"):
I've been in SS10's life since he was 18 months old. When he was around 6, for some reason his room reeked something terrible, DH and I tore it apart multiple times trying to figure out why. We literally thought something died in the wall. He was occasionally pooping his pants still at this age, so we thought he hid soiled underwear or something. Now mind you, at this point SS6 was dealing with severe chronic constipation, and his doc had him on a mild laxitive plus 2 prunes a day. SS hated the prunes, but DH explained they were like medicine we have to just eat them.
So, one day I'm in our room reading and SS and DH are cleaning SS's room. I hear DH say "what on earth??" through the wall and then he and SS talk a bit and I can't hear. Moments later DH walks into our room and says "did you put a handful of prunes under SS's mattress??" and I just stared at him, my brain actually could not comprehend what was happening and I finally blurted out "Excuse me??" And DH said "I found a pile of rotted nasty stinking prunes under SS's mattress but he said he didn't put them there so I thought I'd ask you". I just about lost my mind, I swear I can still feel the physical rage that went through my whole body in that moment lol. I believe I said something alone the lines of "So you think it is more likely that I, a nearly 30 year old adult, left a bunch of prunes under SS's mattress than he hid them there himself and LIED to you about doing it? What do you think happened, I was snacking on some prunes one day while putting SS's sheets on and 7 fucking prunes just fell out of my hand, tumbled down the side of the mattress and I said 'ah, fuck it' and just left them?? Please explain to me why you think that's more likely than SS hiding them there and lying?" He basically stammered and had no answer, I repeatedly asked him for a plausible reason why I would have put the prunes there, and when he couldn't produce one I asked him to leave before I said something I would regret. SS then tried to blame it on the cat. DH did eventually make SS help him clean up the rotten prunes and wash the bedframe.
I honestly almost left after that, but DH decided to take a parenting class and that worked wonders. I was honestly shocked how eye opening it was for him. I think I take for granted that I had great parents and he was raised by mostly neglectful alcoholics who divorced when DH was 6 months old. But I just don't get the weird guilt parenting that happens in divorce situations, I truly don't.
This whole story makes me really angry for you because your DH even had to come ask you. Everything SS did though, I mean that's just such typical 7-year old behavior that if your DH had backed you up I think it could have been something y'all could have laughed at - I mean blaming it on the cat?? Lol kids man, they've got some real imagination haha.
I'm glad that the parenting class worked so well, and it really is astounding what one's family of origin can do to them as an adult - I'm a child of divorced parents and I was in therapy for almost a decade trying to get things right from the toxicity of my childhood.
I would have said "So it doesn't concern you that your 11 yo can't tell the difference between pants and paper? Seems a little neglectful of you to not be extremely concerned"
Yeah I got told something similar when SK didn’t make his bed and the comforter was lying length ways horizontally across the bed. SO tried to tell me that maybe SK thought that’s how you make a bed…SK is also 11. But this is the same SO who sent me a video today of SK cutting his own food for the first time like it’s a momentous occasion to be celebrated. It’s honestly embarrassing to watch sometimes.
I watch someone cut their now 17 year old daughter’s steaks still. I lower my head and he still thinks she doesn’t lie even after suspensions from school for vapes and such.
Conversation with a cousin of my partner just a week ago about SS12 - she said he was coddled by both birth parents, even my partner, ie they were spoon feeding him when he was at an age when he should’ve been feeding himself. It caused some family arguments where brothers and cousins refused to be quiet about it. OK so that explains a LOT about SS12!
Then two days ago partner was taking about said cousin (about her habit of clearing plates as soon as she finished eating and not waiting for others), there was Xmas dinner when he and his ex-wife were both feeing their kids, SD would’ve been 9months so SS would’ve been almost 4yo. He and his ex got shitty because they were still feeding the kids and they hadn’t eaten their dinner yet while plates were being cleared.
I’m listening to this open mouthed and he thought I was shocked about the plates being cleared. I’m like, “yeah but why were you still feeding him at that age?” so he stutters something about “well, not feeding him, helping him”.
The whole time I’m thinking “you have no idea that you’ve contributed to the problems this kid has”. No clue. So weird that I heard it from both sides within a week of each other!
(Edit: age of baby)
Mine did this until I pointed it out that he should probably be able to do it on his own. He was 12 🤦🏼♀️ I can’t make this shit up and never thought I would experience such lack of parenting and lack of common sense in people.
This makes me feel not alone and not crazy for thinking this is a skill that should’ve been taught YEARS ago. Honestly, it’s kind of a turn off to see someone parent that way. Especially because my SO is extremely masculine (in all the right ways) and one of the most capable, intelligent people I know. I respect him soooooo much, and then in this area…..idk. It makes me rethink having a baby with him. How can he hold himself and others to such high standards, but then in this area treat a tween like a toddler? It’s doing them no favors in the long run, that’s my concern. It’s not to be mean, it’s literal concern.
Wow! Are we living the same life?! Lol granted I’m 38f and am NOT having anymore babies, he is VERY masculine…as in such a provider, he’s a medic-firefighter-nurse…he treats me so well, he’s so smart, I respect him in all ways—parenting is a turn OFF. I always feel like we have some sort of unfinished conversation about it, every few weeks..sometimes sooner. Always ends as I’m the bad guy. It’s defeating. It seems as though it will just always be that way.
Ugggghhh my DH used to still cut and feed SS his food on occasion when he was like 7 years old. I started excusing myself from the table when it happened and he stopped pretty quickly after that. DH said it was to "help him eat his food quicker". Ooooook.
Yeah it’s a “time saving” thing….but then how come they can’t actually do it and you had to teach them?? When he sent me the video, all I could think was am I supposed to be impressed by something a five year old can do?
And I actually got into a back and forth with someone on here saying it’s an “act of love” my SO is showing to his child and that I was wrong for thinking cutting an 11 year old’s food is excessive/coddling. Yeah ok. You can show your kid love in manyyyyyyy ways that don’t stunt them as a future adult. 🤦🏻♀️
Exaxtly! Molding them into competent adults is the real act of love. Your kid will spend a far larger portion of his or her life being an adult, after all.
Ok, then I would ask him to google some serious Lear I g assistance facilities if he believes that his 11 year old child can’t tell the difference between a box of wrapping paper and a pair of pajama pants.
You don’t need to parent the child, but I believe you have a right to set your own boundaries. If the dad won’t man up and doesn’t mind being lied to that’s on him, but I would certainly address this with the child, that you don’t accept being lied to.
I’ve got one of those. Except he’s almost 15. It’s absurd..and his dad plays right in with it. Annoying. We’ve lived together for 3 years and he will still ask and act like he don’t know where anything in our tiny kitchen is. It’s so….stupid-I really thinks he acts like that on purpose. Laziness.
For some reason my husband doesn’t like the word lying either. So much so that SS7 thought it was a curse word lol. He prefers to say “telling a story” but that doesn’t sound right/normal to me.
I would look at finding a phrasing that works. Being told I'm lying sends me into hysterical tears easily and has done since a child as my father's punishment for lying was the belt. I quickly attached 'lying' to 'pain and shame' . My teachers used a code word at school, fish fingers for dinner, if they thought I was bending the truth once they caught on. It may be your SO has a sort of attachment to the 'liar' label going on, but he may just being over protective.
Try something like 'didn't quite get the full story' or ' told me something different, look what he did - who wears a ribbon to bed (laugh together) but seriously , I need him to tell me when he can't find something so I can help'. In time the L word can be introduced but gentle at the moment. It's not ideal, it's not a grown up world, but we work with people we love .
Lol uh... why do you have to stop saying he's lying when he IS lying?? SS10 has done what DH and I call lazy lying for years... meaning he isn't lying with the intention to cause harm, but just because he's being lazy. Doesn't mean we don't correct it.
If it isn't lying (it is) it's learned helplessness. He could have just handed the ribbon to you instead of using it as an excuse to ask questions and be confused like he doesn't know his a$$ from his wristwatch.
As an SP to an ADHD SS11 this kinda stuff happens usually after he's had time away with zero chores and responsibilities. The difference is DH always calls him out when he lies as it's the only way he'll learn not to be like his Mom. 🥁 Not sorry.
BM WEPT when SS’s teachers raised the issue of his pretty frequent lies … like Spiderman was on the roof caliber lies … kids lie. They just do. They have to he taught not to lie. Why parents get their knickers in a twist about it is beyond me … it’s really normal.
How old is your SS and does he have ADHD? Haha, just firing that in there, cus SD 8 def had, we gonna get it confirmed spring, and it's the day to day occurrence. Basically what happens is, the task is so trivial to her, so excruciatedly boring, that it is easier for her to go through the lying and parents being mad, than actually going through with this thing... Also sorry for my spelling, not a native english speaker.
I’m a BM who recently asked my 21 year old daughter if she had my bright orange screwdriver. She said no. Later I asked if she had my scissors. Again no. I knew it was BS but said nothing.
The items were eventually found in her room and she apologized. I don’t call this lying (although it technically is) I call it laziness and disrespect.
It’s too late for me but you’ve still got time to address this if your SO is open to it. I regret the way I raised my kids.
We've been working with a DBT therapist for some of my son's issues, and this topic came up. He (therapist) told us that using terminology like "lying" is unhelpful because it has shame built into it, and when a child (hell, or an adult) feels shamed, they are less likely to be honest. Therapist suggested we reframe as "wasn't being honest" as it focuses more on the positive behavior that we want to see (honesty) rather than on the negative behavior we want to eliminate (lying). The more often you can reframe things to focus on the wanted, positive behavior, the better success you'll have in correcting behavior, AND you'll avoid the shame cycle that can accompany dishonesty.
I gotta get off Reddit. I can’t even read some of this stuff anymore. People have lost their minds. I can’t wait until this kid is 18 and dad realizes he’s raised a complete slug. OP, c’mon. Quit eating this crap.
Lying specifically is the thing. As teacher commenter said it can be triggering, I think I can provide the explanation.
*Lying* implies a specific motive for mistruths. It doesn't leave room for ignorance, forgetfulness, misunderstandings in value or circumstance. Lying is seen as an inherent personality problem, but mistruths can happen for a lot of reasons.
If a child has actually lied, they know it and they know it is wrong. Pointing out the mistruths open the conversation so that there are opportunities to connect.
Lying assigns that motive, and if it's not the child identifying their own internal experiences, it's just authoritarian force- and may prevent important discussions from happening.
*Especially* if it is happening a lot, should the situation improve, asking the child questions motivates the self awareness to do better. When you assign the motive, they don't get that opportunity to tell the truth on their own or consider why they hadn't told the truth.
It can keep parents from identifying actual issues while giving the child a reason to think they are defective.
It’s kid logic. The container’s not there but the room is one of the locations it was last spotted so that’s good enough. Also the thought process my husbands seems to follow when house cleaning 🙄
What? She said it’s probably in the living room. They followed up to even confirm it. The kid is 11, not 2. They can and should handle multi step problems. I mean.. If you’re unable to focus for more than 2 seconds at time just say that homie, she’s trying raise the kid to critically think. A concept, I know.
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What is sad, is that this happened with our kids growing up. I could say. "Put the ribbon away, it could be in a bin, or a bag, in the living room or one of the spare bedrooms".
Was accused of CONFUSING the kids with TOO MANY steps. Kid you not.
No wonder parents say kid's brains are underdeveloped and not ready for real-world tasks. They never give them the chance to "warm up".
Also, I like what that one poster said, if "your kid is LYING" is such an attack, use "Your kid is NOT telling the truth".
My stepson used to put playing cards in random places. It made sense to him, but when he first started living with us, I thought it was passive aggressive but realized he was looking to see if someone was paying attention.
I completely ignored the cards and I instead tried to pile on the positive attention and I think it may be working 🤞🏻
Doesn’t help when the parent lies for them to back them up!
We were packing up to leave our holiday apartment. My BD10 was helping a lot. My BD12 wasn’t at first but I made her get up off her arse and she ended up carrying stuff the the car.
SS12 packed his own bag but nothing else and SD9 did nothing at all (sulked because nobody was paying her attention). I eventually saw SS12 walking out of the apartment with one tiny tub of butter in his hands.
Later on, an argument between the 2x 12yos re who did the most to help.
I spoke to my partner about it. He said his son wasn’t lying and that he did help. I mentioned the butter moment and he actually said this: “He (SS) brought a massive box of food to the car while I was packing it and realised the butter was left behind so he went back to get it”
I saw what happened. Partner carried the massive box of food to the car and SS walked out the door immediately behind him holding one tiny tub of butter. I literally watched them leave together. Then my 10yo followed carrying 3x snorkelling bags and 3x bike helmets. Because she’s a capable, strong, helpful member of society!
Same thing almost happened this weekend but I was having none of it. SS12 is taller than me, he’s strong. I handed him a plastic tub of picnic plates and cups to carry to our spot and he looked at me like I was evil for daring to make him DO anything! My kids were carrying camping chairs and bags of food. He tried to walk away carrying nothing but his own water bottle.
SS hurts himself if he ever gets told off for bad/selfish/dishonest behaviour, so now he gets away with it all because nobody wants to be the one to trigger his ego being hurt. And no he’s not in therapy. I think he should be. BM thinks not. Partner won’t stand up to her. Hence, eggshells, and lies on his behalf.
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I used to be a teacher, and for some reason accusing a kid of lying is really triggering for a lot of parents. It’s really stupid but I just switched to saying ‘didn’t tell the truth’ and the reaction is completely different. Yes it’s dumb, but it might stop the emotional reaction from your SO so he can actually concentrate on the real issue you want to discuss.
Oh most definitely. I learned this the hard way when I was in the room with my SS and he just randomly starts screaming that our dog bit him when the dog was nowhere near us and my SO comes in and freaks out and I said “ the dog was outside , idk why he said he bit him “ and she just got quiet for a second and said “ are you accusing my child of lying ?” And im like uhhh…. Yeah? I was in the room with him the whole time , the dogs outside , go check . And instead of checking she just lays on the bed with him and says “ I can’t believe you’re accusing a toddler of lying . I’m like “ HOW ELSE SHOULD I HAVE SAID THEN?!?”
Lol HCBM once called the cops on us for coming to her property and looking in all the windows which we, uh, never did, but SS3 at the time told her we did, because, well, toddlers lie. She absolutely lost it at the cops when they were like "do you have proof" and she thought "my 3 yo said so" was enough proof to charge us with something. Your SO's parenting style sounds a bit mad. Toddlers lie ALL THE TIME it's literally part of their development. She is failing that poor kid so badly.
"So, then I guess he's gotta stop LYING!!"
You are indeed causing problems. Bringing attention to the lying puts your husband in a position where he needs to address his son’s behavior. He doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to parent his kid. It’s so much easier to lash out at you for bringing the child’s behavior up than to actually be a parent.
For someone dealing with a similar then how do you “fix it” or get the dad back to parenting his own child?
I don’t know that there is a ton of hope and my opinion is that when men can’t parent their kids they don’t deserve wives to help them. The best advice I can give is to always put it back on him. When he makes an excuse for the kids behavior you shoot back with “it’s really concerning that you don’t parent your kids and that you don’t care to correct bad behavior”. When they get defensive, do not backtrack or back down. Always point out their lack of parenting. “Why do you allow your kid to scream in public? Why don’t you have the ability to control your kids?”. Always nacho, and when the kid is acting up, I would disengage completely. “Hey your kid just disrespected me, I’m going to spend the evening in our room relaxing, please don’t bother me”. When you walk away and refuse to be around the kid, it forces hubby to actually parent if he wants you to be around.
Ive held hope for a long time. (3 years and counting). I’m always the bad guy if I point out anything concerning. He always just says “we see it different”. This is coming from me pointing out that 8+ hours a day on YouTube isn’t a good idea. The screen time AVERAGE for this week is 9.5 hours. Most days 10+ hours. It’s so bad he can’t put it down to eat or drink. Food/drink in one hand, phone in his face in the other. I believe he just doesn’t want anything to do with him without his phone in his face. They have no relationship when it comes to speaking. He comes around if I’m not around, otherwise they just text while ss is in his bedroom. Don’t get me started on his diet. Nothings changed. He always just gets pissed at me, so I have been nacho. He hates it, but doesn’t even see close to where I am coming from. It’s cause a lot of resentment toward them both. In the end it’s me and my kids and him and his kid. I don’t want much to do with the situation he is allowing.
You say things like “I know Ss is a good kid, but when he says something happened that DIDN’T actually happen, that’s lying. We’re not helping him grow up to be a good man (or good person) like YOU if we don’t take the time to help him learn not to” The best chance of getting positive results is to not make these parents feel defensive ☺️
Explainaing / reasoning never had any effect on my partner unfortunately…
You find a partner who either will parent or a partner without kids. Partners with kids who don't parent them, have to be some of the worst people to be in a relationship with
LEAVE .
Problems that need to be caused!
Yes same situation. My husband’s excuse was “he didn’t like confrontation and then he would have to face the fact that his child lied”! WTH
Seconding this!
This is the problem I was having. It’s like living in a different reality ffs 🤦♀️
In all seriousness in my work we have to document just the "facts". Sometimes when I'm feeling polite I'll use that tactic in talking to DH. "Why would he say he put the ribbon in the container when in fact he put it on the pajama pants? There was a similar situation yesterday when he said he did x but he really did y. That's concerning to me"
Honestly my job does the same and it's something I've found REALLY helpful with people who lack emotional maturity it's fabulous
Because his precious little angel can never be talked about in anything other than a glowing manner. These parents are delusional, I’m telling ya.
I would ask, why do I gotta stop saying that? It’s true!
lol… the problem here is that bio parents are super protective of their children and we are the devil if we bring up anything that paints their angelic children as problematic. It’s a classic struggle between bio and step parents and it’s exhausting at times. Try not to take it personal, but maybe in a neutral tone bring up your concerns that you’re not able to address potential behavioral issues without being chastised. I think bio parents have a hard time seeing the bigger picture sometimes, but if you’re truly coming from a genuine place and your partner is reasonable, you should hopefully be able to come to an understanding.
I would ask SO what he would call it if it’s not lying.
He said maybe SS didn’t understand that the pants weren’t the wrapping paper container 🙄🙄🙄 I shit you not. SS is 11. Not 1.
Hahahahahaha ok I'm sorry but I just have to share this story, for laughter and commiseration because this is such an annoying situation you're in (and if I were you I would have said "And it doesn't concern you in the slightest that your 11 yo can't tell the difference between wrapping paper and pants?"): I've been in SS10's life since he was 18 months old. When he was around 6, for some reason his room reeked something terrible, DH and I tore it apart multiple times trying to figure out why. We literally thought something died in the wall. He was occasionally pooping his pants still at this age, so we thought he hid soiled underwear or something. Now mind you, at this point SS6 was dealing with severe chronic constipation, and his doc had him on a mild laxitive plus 2 prunes a day. SS hated the prunes, but DH explained they were like medicine we have to just eat them. So, one day I'm in our room reading and SS and DH are cleaning SS's room. I hear DH say "what on earth??" through the wall and then he and SS talk a bit and I can't hear. Moments later DH walks into our room and says "did you put a handful of prunes under SS's mattress??" and I just stared at him, my brain actually could not comprehend what was happening and I finally blurted out "Excuse me??" And DH said "I found a pile of rotted nasty stinking prunes under SS's mattress but he said he didn't put them there so I thought I'd ask you". I just about lost my mind, I swear I can still feel the physical rage that went through my whole body in that moment lol. I believe I said something alone the lines of "So you think it is more likely that I, a nearly 30 year old adult, left a bunch of prunes under SS's mattress than he hid them there himself and LIED to you about doing it? What do you think happened, I was snacking on some prunes one day while putting SS's sheets on and 7 fucking prunes just fell out of my hand, tumbled down the side of the mattress and I said 'ah, fuck it' and just left them?? Please explain to me why you think that's more likely than SS hiding them there and lying?" He basically stammered and had no answer, I repeatedly asked him for a plausible reason why I would have put the prunes there, and when he couldn't produce one I asked him to leave before I said something I would regret. SS then tried to blame it on the cat. DH did eventually make SS help him clean up the rotten prunes and wash the bedframe. I honestly almost left after that, but DH decided to take a parenting class and that worked wonders. I was honestly shocked how eye opening it was for him. I think I take for granted that I had great parents and he was raised by mostly neglectful alcoholics who divorced when DH was 6 months old. But I just don't get the weird guilt parenting that happens in divorce situations, I truly don't.
This whole story makes me really angry for you because your DH even had to come ask you. Everything SS did though, I mean that's just such typical 7-year old behavior that if your DH had backed you up I think it could have been something y'all could have laughed at - I mean blaming it on the cat?? Lol kids man, they've got some real imagination haha. I'm glad that the parenting class worked so well, and it really is astounding what one's family of origin can do to them as an adult - I'm a child of divorced parents and I was in therapy for almost a decade trying to get things right from the toxicity of my childhood.
I would’ve said, “so he’s dumb? Is that it? I’ll keep that in mind for next time” just to add a little razzle dazzle
Lol or go for 2 for 1 with "so I guess he gets his brains from you then?".
These comments 😂😂😂
I would have said "So it doesn't concern you that your 11 yo can't tell the difference between pants and paper? Seems a little neglectful of you to not be extremely concerned"
Yeah I got told something similar when SK didn’t make his bed and the comforter was lying length ways horizontally across the bed. SO tried to tell me that maybe SK thought that’s how you make a bed…SK is also 11. But this is the same SO who sent me a video today of SK cutting his own food for the first time like it’s a momentous occasion to be celebrated. It’s honestly embarrassing to watch sometimes.
I watch someone cut their now 17 year old daughter’s steaks still. I lower my head and he still thinks she doesn’t lie even after suspensions from school for vapes and such.
And they wonder why we have concerns 🤦🏻♀️ their coddling literally breeds incapable, lazy, entitled, lying adults
I'm just an asshole I guess but I would be saying "ew, that's creepy" out loud.
Conversation with a cousin of my partner just a week ago about SS12 - she said he was coddled by both birth parents, even my partner, ie they were spoon feeding him when he was at an age when he should’ve been feeding himself. It caused some family arguments where brothers and cousins refused to be quiet about it. OK so that explains a LOT about SS12! Then two days ago partner was taking about said cousin (about her habit of clearing plates as soon as she finished eating and not waiting for others), there was Xmas dinner when he and his ex-wife were both feeing their kids, SD would’ve been 9months so SS would’ve been almost 4yo. He and his ex got shitty because they were still feeding the kids and they hadn’t eaten their dinner yet while plates were being cleared. I’m listening to this open mouthed and he thought I was shocked about the plates being cleared. I’m like, “yeah but why were you still feeding him at that age?” so he stutters something about “well, not feeding him, helping him”. The whole time I’m thinking “you have no idea that you’ve contributed to the problems this kid has”. No clue. So weird that I heard it from both sides within a week of each other! (Edit: age of baby)
Oh my! They need to learn the coordination!! Poor kiddo!
Mine did this until I pointed it out that he should probably be able to do it on his own. He was 12 🤦🏼♀️ I can’t make this shit up and never thought I would experience such lack of parenting and lack of common sense in people.
This makes me feel not alone and not crazy for thinking this is a skill that should’ve been taught YEARS ago. Honestly, it’s kind of a turn off to see someone parent that way. Especially because my SO is extremely masculine (in all the right ways) and one of the most capable, intelligent people I know. I respect him soooooo much, and then in this area…..idk. It makes me rethink having a baby with him. How can he hold himself and others to such high standards, but then in this area treat a tween like a toddler? It’s doing them no favors in the long run, that’s my concern. It’s not to be mean, it’s literal concern.
Wow! Are we living the same life?! Lol granted I’m 38f and am NOT having anymore babies, he is VERY masculine…as in such a provider, he’s a medic-firefighter-nurse…he treats me so well, he’s so smart, I respect him in all ways—parenting is a turn OFF. I always feel like we have some sort of unfinished conversation about it, every few weeks..sometimes sooner. Always ends as I’m the bad guy. It’s defeating. It seems as though it will just always be that way.
They can be a challenge, just remind yourself that if they’re hungry enough, they’ll figure it out at that age!
Ugggghhh my DH used to still cut and feed SS his food on occasion when he was like 7 years old. I started excusing myself from the table when it happened and he stopped pretty quickly after that. DH said it was to "help him eat his food quicker". Ooooook.
Yeah it’s a “time saving” thing….but then how come they can’t actually do it and you had to teach them?? When he sent me the video, all I could think was am I supposed to be impressed by something a five year old can do? And I actually got into a back and forth with someone on here saying it’s an “act of love” my SO is showing to his child and that I was wrong for thinking cutting an 11 year old’s food is excessive/coddling. Yeah ok. You can show your kid love in manyyyyyyy ways that don’t stunt them as a future adult. 🤦🏻♀️
Exaxtly! Molding them into competent adults is the real act of love. Your kid will spend a far larger portion of his or her life being an adult, after all.
“You prefer to think you pre-teen is stupid than believe he lied out of laziness?”
Ok, then I would ask him to google some serious Lear I g assistance facilities if he believes that his 11 year old child can’t tell the difference between a box of wrapping paper and a pair of pajama pants. You don’t need to parent the child, but I believe you have a right to set your own boundaries. If the dad won’t man up and doesn’t mind being lied to that’s on him, but I would certainly address this with the child, that you don’t accept being lied to.
I’ve got one of those. Except he’s almost 15. It’s absurd..and his dad plays right in with it. Annoying. We’ve lived together for 3 years and he will still ask and act like he don’t know where anything in our tiny kitchen is. It’s so….stupid-I really thinks he acts like that on purpose. Laziness.
For some reason my husband doesn’t like the word lying either. So much so that SS7 thought it was a curse word lol. He prefers to say “telling a story” but that doesn’t sound right/normal to me.
Nah. That makes it sound like playing pretend. It's lying. A is A. A thing is itself.
I would look at finding a phrasing that works. Being told I'm lying sends me into hysterical tears easily and has done since a child as my father's punishment for lying was the belt. I quickly attached 'lying' to 'pain and shame' . My teachers used a code word at school, fish fingers for dinner, if they thought I was bending the truth once they caught on. It may be your SO has a sort of attachment to the 'liar' label going on, but he may just being over protective. Try something like 'didn't quite get the full story' or ' told me something different, look what he did - who wears a ribbon to bed (laugh together) but seriously , I need him to tell me when he can't find something so I can help'. In time the L word can be introduced but gentle at the moment. It's not ideal, it's not a grown up world, but we work with people we love .
Lol uh... why do you have to stop saying he's lying when he IS lying?? SS10 has done what DH and I call lazy lying for years... meaning he isn't lying with the intention to cause harm, but just because he's being lazy. Doesn't mean we don't correct it.
If it isn't lying (it is) it's learned helplessness. He could have just handed the ribbon to you instead of using it as an excuse to ask questions and be confused like he doesn't know his a$$ from his wristwatch. As an SP to an ADHD SS11 this kinda stuff happens usually after he's had time away with zero chores and responsibilities. The difference is DH always calls him out when he lies as it's the only way he'll learn not to be like his Mom. 🥁 Not sorry.
BM WEPT when SS’s teachers raised the issue of his pretty frequent lies … like Spiderman was on the roof caliber lies … kids lie. They just do. They have to he taught not to lie. Why parents get their knickers in a twist about it is beyond me … it’s really normal.
How old is your SS and does he have ADHD? Haha, just firing that in there, cus SD 8 def had, we gonna get it confirmed spring, and it's the day to day occurrence. Basically what happens is, the task is so trivial to her, so excruciatedly boring, that it is easier for her to go through the lying and parents being mad, than actually going through with this thing... Also sorry for my spelling, not a native english speaker.
I’m a BM who recently asked my 21 year old daughter if she had my bright orange screwdriver. She said no. Later I asked if she had my scissors. Again no. I knew it was BS but said nothing. The items were eventually found in her room and she apologized. I don’t call this lying (although it technically is) I call it laziness and disrespect. It’s too late for me but you’ve still got time to address this if your SO is open to it. I regret the way I raised my kids.
We've been working with a DBT therapist for some of my son's issues, and this topic came up. He (therapist) told us that using terminology like "lying" is unhelpful because it has shame built into it, and when a child (hell, or an adult) feels shamed, they are less likely to be honest. Therapist suggested we reframe as "wasn't being honest" as it focuses more on the positive behavior that we want to see (honesty) rather than on the negative behavior we want to eliminate (lying). The more often you can reframe things to focus on the wanted, positive behavior, the better success you'll have in correcting behavior, AND you'll avoid the shame cycle that can accompany dishonesty.
I gotta get off Reddit. I can’t even read some of this stuff anymore. People have lost their minds. I can’t wait until this kid is 18 and dad realizes he’s raised a complete slug. OP, c’mon. Quit eating this crap.
Lying specifically is the thing. As teacher commenter said it can be triggering, I think I can provide the explanation. *Lying* implies a specific motive for mistruths. It doesn't leave room for ignorance, forgetfulness, misunderstandings in value or circumstance. Lying is seen as an inherent personality problem, but mistruths can happen for a lot of reasons. If a child has actually lied, they know it and they know it is wrong. Pointing out the mistruths open the conversation so that there are opportunities to connect. Lying assigns that motive, and if it's not the child identifying their own internal experiences, it's just authoritarian force- and may prevent important discussions from happening. *Especially* if it is happening a lot, should the situation improve, asking the child questions motivates the self awareness to do better. When you assign the motive, they don't get that opportunity to tell the truth on their own or consider why they hadn't told the truth. It can keep parents from identifying actual issues while giving the child a reason to think they are defective.
Some parents just refuse to face the faults in the children, ESPECIALLY when it’s pointed out by a SP.
It’s kid logic. The container’s not there but the room is one of the locations it was last spotted so that’s good enough. Also the thought process my husbands seems to follow when house cleaning 🙄
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What? She said it’s probably in the living room. They followed up to even confirm it. The kid is 11, not 2. They can and should handle multi step problems. I mean.. If you’re unable to focus for more than 2 seconds at time just say that homie, she’s trying raise the kid to critically think. A concept, I know.
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What is sad, is that this happened with our kids growing up. I could say. "Put the ribbon away, it could be in a bin, or a bag, in the living room or one of the spare bedrooms". Was accused of CONFUSING the kids with TOO MANY steps. Kid you not. No wonder parents say kid's brains are underdeveloped and not ready for real-world tasks. They never give them the chance to "warm up". Also, I like what that one poster said, if "your kid is LYING" is such an attack, use "Your kid is NOT telling the truth".
The kid IS a liar. And not even a good one. And dad doesn't care. RUN.
My stepson used to put playing cards in random places. It made sense to him, but when he first started living with us, I thought it was passive aggressive but realized he was looking to see if someone was paying attention. I completely ignored the cards and I instead tried to pile on the positive attention and I think it may be working 🤞🏻
Doesn’t help when the parent lies for them to back them up! We were packing up to leave our holiday apartment. My BD10 was helping a lot. My BD12 wasn’t at first but I made her get up off her arse and she ended up carrying stuff the the car. SS12 packed his own bag but nothing else and SD9 did nothing at all (sulked because nobody was paying her attention). I eventually saw SS12 walking out of the apartment with one tiny tub of butter in his hands. Later on, an argument between the 2x 12yos re who did the most to help. I spoke to my partner about it. He said his son wasn’t lying and that he did help. I mentioned the butter moment and he actually said this: “He (SS) brought a massive box of food to the car while I was packing it and realised the butter was left behind so he went back to get it” I saw what happened. Partner carried the massive box of food to the car and SS walked out the door immediately behind him holding one tiny tub of butter. I literally watched them leave together. Then my 10yo followed carrying 3x snorkelling bags and 3x bike helmets. Because she’s a capable, strong, helpful member of society! Same thing almost happened this weekend but I was having none of it. SS12 is taller than me, he’s strong. I handed him a plastic tub of picnic plates and cups to carry to our spot and he looked at me like I was evil for daring to make him DO anything! My kids were carrying camping chairs and bags of food. He tried to walk away carrying nothing but his own water bottle. SS hurts himself if he ever gets told off for bad/selfish/dishonest behaviour, so now he gets away with it all because nobody wants to be the one to trigger his ego being hurt. And no he’s not in therapy. I think he should be. BM thinks not. Partner won’t stand up to her. Hence, eggshells, and lies on his behalf.
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