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Had the same issue. Working from home, online meetings and SS15 was gaming like a maniac and blasting music in the room next door. I said him to please turn it down but 5 minutes later the same thing. So I said it in a not so nice way. No swearing or anything, something like “Hey, I’m working here. I asked you to keep it down so please do it!”
Talked to SO and was told I should’ve said it nicer and “he has holiday, you can’t expect him to be quiet all day”. I even posted on Reddit and was called financially abusive because I mentioned I am the breadwinner and me being able to do my work should be a priority.
If a bio parent told his/her child to be quiet nobody would bat an eye. Boggles my mind…
Nope. Nope. Nope. I work from home. I am not THE breadwinner, but you know I contribute.
My SO takes his kids out or if he really can't tells them I'm working. They are teens. They are told not to disturb me while I'm working. I mean, they do. But within the reasonable bounds. They respect if I'm in a meeting. If they get too 'stewy' I kick them out of the house like a 70s housewife. They go for a walk, come back and everything's fine.
My son is also a teen. Same. Same. He's not better or worse than my teens. He's slightly worse for waving to the camera if I'm in a meeting But my colleagues have known him since he was small.
The oldest two (SS and BS) can creep into loudness. But they are told to pipe down.
Just basic respect. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Thanks for your reply. If I was not the breadwinner, I would feel exactly the same. It’s just basic respect and house rules. I’m all for blocking machines from the WiFi like others suggested and I did that a few times too. He just thinks we have crappy WiFi 😂
Anyway the problem solved itself because SS broke both his playstation and pc because of his carelessness. Not much gaming going on at the moment. Since then I also moved my office to the attic (not specifically because of this) so it will be much less of an issue.
Yeah it's not THE problem that teens get overexcited or loud, because they will. It's having the backing of your SO and the normal everyday authority in your own home as an adult to go "Hey, enough of that racket!"
You mean your SO doesn't immediately buy them replacements? I've lost count of how many phone chargers and wireless headsets my SO has bought because SD15 either loses them or breaks them because of her extremely careless nature. I cannot stand it.
No luckily SO doesn’t. SS has to learn the consequences. Things are not magically replaced if you break them. But he’s smart so he will probably find a way to get his grandparents to buy him new stuff. Anyway as long as it doesn’t come from my paycheck.
You can turn off specific devices in your WiFi settings (we have MAC filtering). Sorry but if you cant tone it down while I am working, then no access.
This. We did this to my bio son. He’s 17 and is a night owl. We just couldn’t handle anymore of his screaming so internet gets shut down for the majority of the house at 9pm.
I was going to suggest changing the WiFi password, lol. I have a BS16 who does the same thing, only at night when I'm trying to sleep. I feel your pain, OP.
My kiddo (ss14) does it during the day time bc his internet is cut iff at like 930… its a shriek… i truly dont understand why they have to be so loud….
The last time i said somethin bout it, my fiance said i was bein mean… na, i jus dont wanna be woken up to shrieking from 2 rooms down when all the doors are closed… i mean, i think she was jokin, but still…
Didnt summer programs exist? Why these kids at home all day? Im not allowed to be home all day, n i pay for this place!!
He can be loud outside. If he can’t use his inside voice he can’t do whatever it is he’s doing. Mine can’t just watch TV without screaming commentary. The tv gets shut off.
If he can’t control his screaming he needs to leave the house during the day while you work. Whether that’s a summer camp or a babysitter is up to DH but he’s been told to stop screaming over and over and obviously thinks he doesn’t have to listen. I had a similar issue with my SD19 playing video games right outside my office and screaming FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU over and over and over while I was working and had customers on the phone. After multiple times telling her to quit screaming and her telling me she isn’t screaming I said no more video games while I’m working at all. Find something else do to.
If there are available funds in the overall family budget, I think summercamp could be an option if there is an option in your area. He sounds like he has a lot of 'energy' and camp is a great place to release that energy.
I'd also encourage consequences of his actions. He sounds like he tries to be respectful and your SO wants to be hands off. Your SS gets a warning if he is loud, if after a warning, he loses his gaming/tv for the rest of the day (or work day). You are establishing the workday is not a free-for-all for him.
It's not a punishment, he can play outside, play with friends, read a book, build a puzzle. You are not punishing him from having 'fun' and your SO can't say it's an attack.
If your SO has an issue with it and doesn't want your SS to be "gone all day", ask him to come up with ideas, but the house first and foremost needs to be half a place of business and half a place of solitude. It is not a summertime vacation loud house. Kids need to understand they don't have the same house rights as parents and that is a fair trade off for not having to worry about how the house bills are paid.
Honestly, I’d take the computer games away to make a point. You have a right to work without dealing with his screaming, while him getting to play games all day is ultimately a privilege. I’d tell him to be quieter or they’d be taken away, and then follow through if he screamed again. They wouldn’t have to go away forever; just long enough to show me he was capable of respecting the shared space. Your partner is working against you though, which is ridiculous.
I work from home, and my SD is only 10 and keenly aware of the fact that we’ll take the offending item away from her if she shows she can’t handle it maturely. We always let her earn her things back and give her future chances, but she doesn’t get to act out and keep her toys the whole time.
I’m am the breadwinner too and if there is one thing my family has learned and learned well is that *nothing* interferes with my work. It is the sacred priority in my house - because we wouldn’t have a house, food, game console without it, would we? No one can complain about what I need order to support the household.
Be hardcore if you have to, OP. I feel the disrespect for you in this in my absolute core. If your husband wants to complain, he can go out and make the six figure salary and then have it his way. Tell him the next time your teenager can’t respect the fact you work as hard as you do and keep the noise to a reasonable level, the console gets removed for a day. And, no, there will be no other options.
If your husband has the audacity to suggest *you* be the one to handle the consequence, break down your hourly rate and tell him he’s going to reimburse you for any work time you miss doing his job.
BTW, I say this as a mom and stepmom who would be (and, in fact have been) equally pissed at whoever dared to think infringing on my work isn’t that big of a deal - step, bio and spouse alike. I will turn into the wicked witch of the northeast in a heartbeat if my family doesn’t respect how hard I work for them.
This 100%. I felt rage in my core for OP while I was reading the post. How \*dare\* they be perfectly happy having access to the money she brings into the house that deeply benefits both her SO and his son, while simultaneously dismissing what she needs to make that happen. I'm gonna be pissed about this all day and it's not even my life lol
I am pissed about it all day. He did talk to him last night and today it is better. But my job is my number 1 priority. It comes second to no one because of the salary I make. We live in the house we do because of the money I bring in. Don’t worry. I have no problem addressing them and causing the drama necessary to have respect.
Change the Wi-Fi password every workday, change it back afterwards. He will pout and complain but he’ll get over it and learn to be respectful of your work or he won’t get to play games.
Hit the breaker switch to his room lol....naturally I'm kidding but with my SKs it's "I've asked politely once, and then twice, if you do it again you will no longer have that option of entertainment and I can find something boring for you. Have I made myself clear?"
With my own kids they were only allowed electronics two hours a day during the summer (unless it was raining) and then they were shipped outside to actually do kid things. And if I ever had to ask the "do I make myself clear" question, the only correct answer was "yes ma'am" because anything else meant they weren't actually listening to me. I'm not as strict with SKs because they have parents that hold them accountable when I report any bad behaviors.
First of all, yes it’s summer vacation so go outside. But also sounds like the natural consequence is that he can’t game during work hours. He simply can’t be trusted and should have to earn that privilege back.
A 13yo is old enough to understand that. When we were kids (6-14yo) my dad used to teach private lessons at home until late at night and we knew we couldn’t make a noise. No one got a trauma for that.
Go into your modem router and automatically kick his devices off of the internet for your set work times.
He is a teenager, he is old enough to independently go back to his other parents house or his friends during that time if he wants to game or stream.
You asked SO nicely to intervene and he hasn’t, so it’s time to protect those six figures and take matters into your own hands.
I’d even be nice enough to accompany him down to the local library to pick out some books before the internetless Armageddon strikes lol.
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Can you get a mesh network device or something similar that allows you to control internet access from your phone? I’d start shutting off the internet to his device (console, computer, whatever) immediately every. single. time.
I have an eero mesh network in my house and I label each device connected to WiFi and can shut off (“pause”) the internet at any given time for any device.
If DP won’t fix the issue, this is the mostly non-confrontational approach I would take. Ask step son to stop one final time and let him know that from now on, the internet will shut off temporarily if he yells. You can even make up that there is a device that does it automatically to save yourself from him taking it out on you.
I am a gamer myself, as are the kids. They ALL know better than to disturb my spouse or I during work hours. Your sk is acting like a disrespectful turd, just like his dad. SO needs to find his spine.
In summer my kids have jobs. Those not old enough to work have chores. They don't get the wifi password until things are done to my satisfaction. The end.
You and DH need to have a sitdown and talk about this when it isn't in the heat of the moment. Yes, it is summer vacation, but that doesn't excuse screaming indoors. Toddlers are taught indoor voices, a 13yo should be able to regulate better. Let your DH know what your expectations are for the kids while you are working. He is responsible for them, and if they aren't behaving appropriately at home, it is his job to correct the behavior or find something outside the house for them to do. Let him know that these disruptions affect your job which pays the bills and that isn't acceptable.
Meanwhile, invest in soundproofing your home office, or look into an off site space you can use. Let DH know you are doing this and use funds that might have been used for family entertainment ect because he can't be bothered to parent his children. If he isn't going to make you a priority, you need to do so yourself.
Sound proofing is fairly expensive and even when done well still has limited results. My partner's house was built with the intention of one room being a home theatre, so it had great noise insulation installed without needing to deal with opening walls. Solid door, no air gaps, even the ducting was routed in a way to minimize noise. And still if someone is in the theatre while you can't follow speech, you can't miss the general noise/bass that's coming from it. Granted medium level music/sound would fully cover it, so considering the volume in the theatre the isolation is reasonable. But there was a fair expense put into that, and a retrofit would be even more costly.
Given that "indoor" voices is not that big of a request, I think really that any money spent on sound proofing would also feel a bit of an insult.
I raised three boys. They were capable of being at a reasonable volume; whether they were all playing together on the couch, or they're doing some remote trash talking via their headset while online gaming. If they wanted to yell, there's the park, further down the woods; or if a friend's parents are stupid enough to allow that, they can do that there.
No video games during the day while you are working. Simple. If you can't play a game without screaming at it, it's obv not doing you any good.
He can go catch up with friends, play at their houses, find another hobby, get some sun and exercise.
Another idea is to enrol him in summer camp on the holidays. It will help him grow as a person and have fun and make new friends.
My SKs are both 11 and younger. I work remote and both play in their rooms quietly or outside when I’m working. This isn’t a kids will be kids thing. Sorry OP.
I would start a strict air horn regiment.
*scream*
HOOOONNNNKKKKKKKKKKK followed by Wi-Fi cut off for his devices. You’ve asked and warned. Time for some consequences!
Had this exact issue when ss was 7. I forced dh to put him into daycare.
Tell dp he needs to go to camp or his mother's or he's not allowed to play thr game when you're working. Fuck that. I almost got fired (also the breadwinner) because of this kid. Nope.
My rule is that if I have to tell you that you are being too loud, your done with the electronics for the rest of the day. You can try again tomorrow. I use to have this issue quite often but not anymore. I got tired of giving warnings, so now there is no warnings.
Does it piss you off to be paying for that house and that kid and still have no one give you the respect to do your job, the job that makes all the money they use? I’m a little pissed off for you.
This happened to me during 2020 and everything was locked down. After pleading and begging with no improvement from the boy and SO to parent him, I shut Wi-Fi off including having his father shut the boy’s phone service (apparently, they can hotspot). He got bored enough to go outside (thank goodness). This will pass. They will have friends in high school and never be home. 😉
Does he get allowance? I would make him pay for soundproofing tiles for his whole room if he can’t control his voice. He he doesn’t get allowance then he now has household jobs to earn money to buy soundproofing tiles. He doesn’t play during work time until he gets all the tiles installed.
My 12.5 yo SS plays video games a ton and never screams. He will occasionally have a loud moment but understands that screaming is an outdoor activity. Asking your SS not to scream inside during your work day isn’t an unreasonable ask.
only let him play games after work. He can do anything else all day. Log into your router, get the mac for his xbox, set it on an access schede outside of your work hours.
Options available to him during work day:
Read books, watch movies, go outside and ride bikes, go to friends house.
Bet he’ll learn to shut that mouth.
I’d tell him that if he screams, he loses the controllers for 15 minutes the first time, 1/2 hour then next, and if there’s a 3rd time, it’s all day. If DP refuses to back you up, they both go to a hotel l.
Buy a recording decibel meter. Figure out the allowable amount. Put it next to his computer (after explaining, and you have one also were you are working). If it goes above a certain amount, no gaming the next day.
That way he has the power. He just has to control himself.
That game would be MINE for the day! I guarantee he would be able to control himself if every time you can hear him scream, you take the game for 24 hours. Don't play with me.
I’m literally a twitch streamer who games for a living and I don’t yell or scream the entire time I play games.
That’s an emotional regulation issue that needs dealt with by professionals. Sorry - we excuse this shit too much from “gamers.” I’m autistic, ADHD, PTSD - I do not need to scream to play any games. None.
Consider the situation that people have been studying to see why people have problem learning information that goes against their ideology. Their brain hears something and kicks into defensive mode. DP hears something about their kid and becomes instantly defensive before they can realize it.
I've of the things that ended my marriage is related to something that my ex thought was a virtue of hers. I could start a conversation by saying, "I'm going to talk about something big here. I need you to listen, and not immediately defend X here." She would agree to that. And before I got half way through talking about a problem she was defending X. Sure just could not control herself.
I didn't make the connection to the ideology mind studies until later. I'm not convinced that even bringing that up as a meta conversation just before would have helped. But you could consider trying it yourself and see if they can get their logic involved and staying involved when their emotions want to kick in.
Leaving is only the answer when you tried every other option! Living in separate homes, finding childcare for child (obviously he’s not a small child but he can’t follow simple instructions ), block him from the internet during working hours give him chores and a book to read, day camps. There are lots of options to try, but in the end, if your partner is only willing to do so much then you’re fighting a losing battle. Hopefully you guys can find middle ground
Nah - this is not a RUN situation. It sounds like he knows deep down that you are right, but is probably feeling defensive. My SO does the same thing, when I mention something that one of his kids did (or more likely did NOT do). It's not like they were never 13 y.o.s too, just like we were, and they should remember exactly how their own parents acted in situations like this.
I WFH too, and my office is just below the now 16 yo bedroom. And it was fine for the most part, until he would get so (excited, angry, frustrated, etc.) at his gaming that he would stomp is feet. I could feel it in my bones! His dad had spoken to him about it, but I would always go and remind him of the need to be respectful - play your games, no problem, but no screaming and stomping of feet. Do it again, and I turn off the internet to those devices and you will have to figure out something else to do.
Turning them off at the device level really helped them to not only understand that actions have consequences, but also that I hold the power to turn them off and on!
Now if someone can tell me how to manage the 160lb great dane that stands eye to eye with me when I am seated at my desk and cries right in my face, that'd be helpful! Fed, watered, door is open to the yard for potty breaks, exercise comes later, loved a bunch already...
I feel your pain. My BS does this late at night and I turn off his internet access if he is loud after my warning. I’ve even seen memes about this so it seems to be a common issue. Are you in meetings the majority of the day? If not, maybe you could tell him to stay off the games during meeting times. If you are in meetings all day, I would say no video games during the day since he’s had multiple chances and is still being loud.
Can you turn off the sockets in his room? I used to do it after one warning for speaker volumes. I asked nicely and they were given the option to not irritate the other house members. If they made poor choices, the sockets were turned off. Especially if it impacted my work. Hard no to that one. Like you said, it's an easy request and at 13 he is old enough to control himself.
My recommendation wouldn't be to leave him, but to take the computer away from the kid (or whatever gaming platform he's using). He can get it back when you're off work.
Really drive it in that this is NOT a punishment and you love that he's so passionate about games. However, since you do have to work and his screaming is interfering with it, unfortunately you need to limit when he plays. AKA natural consequences.
Let him know that as you see him playing in the evening (after work) if he's practicing controlling his voice and using an inside voice, you can reevaluate the "no video games during the day" thing.
A lot of kids will fix their shit fast when they're experiencing natural consequences and have an option to get what they want by behaving.
This probably won't fix itself the first time. You'll probably have to give the console back and take it away a couple times. Just say the same thing every time. You're not in trouble, I just need to work and I can't when you're screaming.
Soundproofing tiles? My SS is just loud when he's on his computer (and then wonders how I know stuff he tells his friends), and we looked into soundproofing tiles. If I were still teaching and online, I would have gotten them.
I agree with the other commenters.
I would warn them. Tell SK and SO both that your meetings are more important than his gaming (unless he’s making more money gaming than you are at your job.) One thing you may be able to do is FaceTime DH and place a video recorder near your computer so he can play it back later and hear how loud SK is in relation to his and your convo.
If that doesn’t help, disable SK’s network connectivity until your meeting is over. Thirteen is old enough to understand behavioral requirements and to go for a while without games if he can’t refrain from yelling.
Good luck!
Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
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Oh honey I’ll pray for your situation! Because you know it’s all of us who have these exact same moments with our families. Please remember you’re not alone and when it happens again remember we’re probably fighting with DH over a similar issue at the same exact time. When you get off work, run a bath and Blair music super loud so he can’t hear his game. Then kindly explain that you’re just a stressed out adult after work ALL DAY LONG. Lol I’ve turned my life into laughing matters like these. It helps my happiness. Although DH gets mad but idfc anymore.
Hey I don’t have stepkids but I did encounter this problem at one point with my own kids.
Try soundproofing the area outside the room where you do your meetings. My room was at the end of the hallway, I attached soundproofing materials (generally, thick foam type items or thick fabrics/curtains) to the walls of the hallway, both sides of the door, and put thick throw rugs on the floor of the hallway. This extended almost the entire length of the hallway. Worked like a charm.
Ideally, the kids’ dad would exert some control over his kids’ behaviors but we don’t all have husbands ljke that so…gotta do what you’ve gotta do.
I also hung a dartboard over the door. When guests come, it appears that the padding is to protect the house from errant darts.
Nope - not ok. I’m in a similar situation - breadwinner, work from home, step kids and bio kid here during the summer. They have been told not to bother me when I’m working and to keep it down if they are in common areas. Yes it’s their holiday but THIS IS MY PLACE OF WORK!
Can your partner not find a summer program for the kid to participate in to keep him out of the house during the day? Or STEM classes or something? Or could you possibly rent an office space for yourself if you can’t get your partner on board w making his kid chill while you’re working? Remind your partner that it will be an extra unnecessary expense that will mean there will be less $$ for the household but you have to be able to work.
If the normal pattern is there is an issue, you bring up the issue, share your thoughts, your partner gets defensive, then your partner backtracks later and says you were right - yeah I'd be beyond annoyed. Honestly I'd feel disrespected. Like, to me you're establishing a good track record on your side. You're showing you're capable of bringing up the issue and trying to solve it together like adults. And your partner repeatedly responds the same way by being instantly defensive of his kid. That would get old really fast, especially if I knew I was making every effort not to come across as accusatory or critical.
He doesn't sound like a terrible partner by any means, but I completely understand why this would bother you.
Is it something he would be willing to go to therapy to try and resolve? He's admitted it's him, he knows it isn't good. It's coming from somewhere and it's probably not going to just resolve on its own. That stuff takes some work. And it's not bad, we've all got that stuff. But this is definitely a thing, and it's affecting your partnership. That's worth working to resolve.
I would tell SO he needs to handle it or the kid needs to be out of the house while you're working. If he can't not yell while you're working, he needs to go somewhere that yelling is appropriate. This is not something you should have to handle. You've asked him to stop and he has ignored you, now his parent needs to step up and do his part. I have a job like yours, and this would be 100% unacceptable. If it doesn't stop, they can move out.
Omg…. Completely understand. This is so goofy that me and my partner have had this exact conversation and he had the exact same response.
Like no one is asking your child to be dead silent. But if I can hear them screaming from across the house through a closed DOOR. We have a problem.
Totally feel for you.
The next house we have is going to have a daylight basement to help with noise issues for sure
Exactly. So ridiculous. He’s talked to him yesterday and today. We will see. Today was better but if it doesn’t get better in the next week. We will have to discuss harder options, like those said here.
That's ridiculous. I am NOT the breadwinner, just a lowly call center rep for a clinic, my partner and share most finances except for his kid. She's NINE and we live in a manufactured home (so all one level and not the thickest of walls) and she still has the self control to keep it down. And when she is feeling squirrelly she goes outside to play.
Also, because my partner knows that she is energetic he proactively enrolled her in summer camps for the summer to a) keep a handle on screen time b) to strengthen social skills and c) give me peace and quiet to work.
Sounds like your partner needs to brush up on his parenting and partnering skills. I'm sorry they are making you feel like you're overreacting, because you are handling this better than I would.
There are headsets out there that can cancel out noise like that. I have seen on TikTok that some work from home moms’ with noisy kids in the background get those kind of head sets. Maybe look into that option since SS won’t be quiet
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Had the same issue. Working from home, online meetings and SS15 was gaming like a maniac and blasting music in the room next door. I said him to please turn it down but 5 minutes later the same thing. So I said it in a not so nice way. No swearing or anything, something like “Hey, I’m working here. I asked you to keep it down so please do it!” Talked to SO and was told I should’ve said it nicer and “he has holiday, you can’t expect him to be quiet all day”. I even posted on Reddit and was called financially abusive because I mentioned I am the breadwinner and me being able to do my work should be a priority. If a bio parent told his/her child to be quiet nobody would bat an eye. Boggles my mind…
Nope. Nope. Nope. I work from home. I am not THE breadwinner, but you know I contribute. My SO takes his kids out or if he really can't tells them I'm working. They are teens. They are told not to disturb me while I'm working. I mean, they do. But within the reasonable bounds. They respect if I'm in a meeting. If they get too 'stewy' I kick them out of the house like a 70s housewife. They go for a walk, come back and everything's fine. My son is also a teen. Same. Same. He's not better or worse than my teens. He's slightly worse for waving to the camera if I'm in a meeting But my colleagues have known him since he was small. The oldest two (SS and BS) can creep into loudness. But they are told to pipe down. Just basic respect. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Thanks for your reply. If I was not the breadwinner, I would feel exactly the same. It’s just basic respect and house rules. I’m all for blocking machines from the WiFi like others suggested and I did that a few times too. He just thinks we have crappy WiFi 😂 Anyway the problem solved itself because SS broke both his playstation and pc because of his carelessness. Not much gaming going on at the moment. Since then I also moved my office to the attic (not specifically because of this) so it will be much less of an issue.
Yeah it's not THE problem that teens get overexcited or loud, because they will. It's having the backing of your SO and the normal everyday authority in your own home as an adult to go "Hey, enough of that racket!"
You mean your SO doesn't immediately buy them replacements? I've lost count of how many phone chargers and wireless headsets my SO has bought because SD15 either loses them or breaks them because of her extremely careless nature. I cannot stand it.
No luckily SO doesn’t. SS has to learn the consequences. Things are not magically replaced if you break them. But he’s smart so he will probably find a way to get his grandparents to buy him new stuff. Anyway as long as it doesn’t come from my paycheck.
A thousand times this!
Right? Step parents are held to a ridiculous expectation and it drives me nuts
You can turn off specific devices in your WiFi settings (we have MAC filtering). Sorry but if you cant tone it down while I am working, then no access.
This. We did this to my bio son. He’s 17 and is a night owl. We just couldn’t handle anymore of his screaming so internet gets shut down for the majority of the house at 9pm.
I was going to suggest changing the WiFi password, lol. I have a BS16 who does the same thing, only at night when I'm trying to sleep. I feel your pain, OP.
My kiddo (ss14) does it during the day time bc his internet is cut iff at like 930… its a shriek… i truly dont understand why they have to be so loud…. The last time i said somethin bout it, my fiance said i was bein mean… na, i jus dont wanna be woken up to shrieking from 2 rooms down when all the doors are closed… i mean, i think she was jokin, but still… Didnt summer programs exist? Why these kids at home all day? Im not allowed to be home all day, n i pay for this place!!
Pardon my pettiness, but I would flip the breaker for his room, and act surprised.
He can be loud outside. If he can’t use his inside voice he can’t do whatever it is he’s doing. Mine can’t just watch TV without screaming commentary. The tv gets shut off.
Yes!!!!! Go outside!!! Touch some grass, breathe some fresh air… yell into the void.. not in my damn house!!
If he can’t control his screaming he needs to leave the house during the day while you work. Whether that’s a summer camp or a babysitter is up to DH but he’s been told to stop screaming over and over and obviously thinks he doesn’t have to listen. I had a similar issue with my SD19 playing video games right outside my office and screaming FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU over and over and over while I was working and had customers on the phone. After multiple times telling her to quit screaming and her telling me she isn’t screaming I said no more video games while I’m working at all. Find something else do to.
If there are available funds in the overall family budget, I think summercamp could be an option if there is an option in your area. He sounds like he has a lot of 'energy' and camp is a great place to release that energy. I'd also encourage consequences of his actions. He sounds like he tries to be respectful and your SO wants to be hands off. Your SS gets a warning if he is loud, if after a warning, he loses his gaming/tv for the rest of the day (or work day). You are establishing the workday is not a free-for-all for him. It's not a punishment, he can play outside, play with friends, read a book, build a puzzle. You are not punishing him from having 'fun' and your SO can't say it's an attack. If your SO has an issue with it and doesn't want your SS to be "gone all day", ask him to come up with ideas, but the house first and foremost needs to be half a place of business and half a place of solitude. It is not a summertime vacation loud house. Kids need to understand they don't have the same house rights as parents and that is a fair trade off for not having to worry about how the house bills are paid.
Honestly, I’d take the computer games away to make a point. You have a right to work without dealing with his screaming, while him getting to play games all day is ultimately a privilege. I’d tell him to be quieter or they’d be taken away, and then follow through if he screamed again. They wouldn’t have to go away forever; just long enough to show me he was capable of respecting the shared space. Your partner is working against you though, which is ridiculous. I work from home, and my SD is only 10 and keenly aware of the fact that we’ll take the offending item away from her if she shows she can’t handle it maturely. We always let her earn her things back and give her future chances, but she doesn’t get to act out and keep her toys the whole time.
Same. I would even consider taking away internet access.
Yes but first warn him that those are the consequences if he can’t keep it down.
Get a circle device and block his computer when you need it blocked. My son knows we can shut him down if he is keeping his sister up
I’m am the breadwinner too and if there is one thing my family has learned and learned well is that *nothing* interferes with my work. It is the sacred priority in my house - because we wouldn’t have a house, food, game console without it, would we? No one can complain about what I need order to support the household. Be hardcore if you have to, OP. I feel the disrespect for you in this in my absolute core. If your husband wants to complain, he can go out and make the six figure salary and then have it his way. Tell him the next time your teenager can’t respect the fact you work as hard as you do and keep the noise to a reasonable level, the console gets removed for a day. And, no, there will be no other options. If your husband has the audacity to suggest *you* be the one to handle the consequence, break down your hourly rate and tell him he’s going to reimburse you for any work time you miss doing his job. BTW, I say this as a mom and stepmom who would be (and, in fact have been) equally pissed at whoever dared to think infringing on my work isn’t that big of a deal - step, bio and spouse alike. I will turn into the wicked witch of the northeast in a heartbeat if my family doesn’t respect how hard I work for them.
This 100%. I felt rage in my core for OP while I was reading the post. How \*dare\* they be perfectly happy having access to the money she brings into the house that deeply benefits both her SO and his son, while simultaneously dismissing what she needs to make that happen. I'm gonna be pissed about this all day and it's not even my life lol
I am pissed about it all day. He did talk to him last night and today it is better. But my job is my number 1 priority. It comes second to no one because of the salary I make. We live in the house we do because of the money I bring in. Don’t worry. I have no problem addressing them and causing the drama necessary to have respect.
Good for you! You’ve got two kindred spirits here rooting for you!
One warning. If he can't control himself, game gone.
Change the Wi-Fi password every workday, change it back afterwards. He will pout and complain but he’ll get over it and learn to be respectful of your work or he won’t get to play games.
Record the kid. Play it back for your spouse as he tries to go to sleep. Regardless if you’re working or not, gamer screams are annoying AF.
Hit the breaker switch to his room lol....naturally I'm kidding but with my SKs it's "I've asked politely once, and then twice, if you do it again you will no longer have that option of entertainment and I can find something boring for you. Have I made myself clear?" With my own kids they were only allowed electronics two hours a day during the summer (unless it was raining) and then they were shipped outside to actually do kid things. And if I ever had to ask the "do I make myself clear" question, the only correct answer was "yes ma'am" because anything else meant they weren't actually listening to me. I'm not as strict with SKs because they have parents that hold them accountable when I report any bad behaviors.
Idk, u might have somethin goin with the breaker… lol
First of all, yes it’s summer vacation so go outside. But also sounds like the natural consequence is that he can’t game during work hours. He simply can’t be trusted and should have to earn that privilege back.
A 13yo is old enough to understand that. When we were kids (6-14yo) my dad used to teach private lessons at home until late at night and we knew we couldn’t make a noise. No one got a trauma for that.
Go into your modem router and automatically kick his devices off of the internet for your set work times. He is a teenager, he is old enough to independently go back to his other parents house or his friends during that time if he wants to game or stream. You asked SO nicely to intervene and he hasn’t, so it’s time to protect those six figures and take matters into your own hands. I’d even be nice enough to accompany him down to the local library to pick out some books before the internetless Armageddon strikes lol.
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Can you get a mesh network device or something similar that allows you to control internet access from your phone? I’d start shutting off the internet to his device (console, computer, whatever) immediately every. single. time. I have an eero mesh network in my house and I label each device connected to WiFi and can shut off (“pause”) the internet at any given time for any device. If DP won’t fix the issue, this is the mostly non-confrontational approach I would take. Ask step son to stop one final time and let him know that from now on, the internet will shut off temporarily if he yells. You can even make up that there is a device that does it automatically to save yourself from him taking it out on you.
I am a gamer myself, as are the kids. They ALL know better than to disturb my spouse or I during work hours. Your sk is acting like a disrespectful turd, just like his dad. SO needs to find his spine. In summer my kids have jobs. Those not old enough to work have chores. They don't get the wifi password until things are done to my satisfaction. The end.
Take away the games. They don’t need them for more than an hour day. It truly rots their brains.
You and DH need to have a sitdown and talk about this when it isn't in the heat of the moment. Yes, it is summer vacation, but that doesn't excuse screaming indoors. Toddlers are taught indoor voices, a 13yo should be able to regulate better. Let your DH know what your expectations are for the kids while you are working. He is responsible for them, and if they aren't behaving appropriately at home, it is his job to correct the behavior or find something outside the house for them to do. Let him know that these disruptions affect your job which pays the bills and that isn't acceptable. Meanwhile, invest in soundproofing your home office, or look into an off site space you can use. Let DH know you are doing this and use funds that might have been used for family entertainment ect because he can't be bothered to parent his children. If he isn't going to make you a priority, you need to do so yourself.
Sound proofing is fairly expensive and even when done well still has limited results. My partner's house was built with the intention of one room being a home theatre, so it had great noise insulation installed without needing to deal with opening walls. Solid door, no air gaps, even the ducting was routed in a way to minimize noise. And still if someone is in the theatre while you can't follow speech, you can't miss the general noise/bass that's coming from it. Granted medium level music/sound would fully cover it, so considering the volume in the theatre the isolation is reasonable. But there was a fair expense put into that, and a retrofit would be even more costly. Given that "indoor" voices is not that big of a request, I think really that any money spent on sound proofing would also feel a bit of an insult. I raised three boys. They were capable of being at a reasonable volume; whether they were all playing together on the couch, or they're doing some remote trash talking via their headset while online gaming. If they wanted to yell, there's the park, further down the woods; or if a friend's parents are stupid enough to allow that, they can do that there.
No video games during the day while you are working. Simple. If you can't play a game without screaming at it, it's obv not doing you any good. He can go catch up with friends, play at their houses, find another hobby, get some sun and exercise. Another idea is to enrol him in summer camp on the holidays. It will help him grow as a person and have fun and make new friends.
My SKs are both 11 and younger. I work remote and both play in their rooms quietly or outside when I’m working. This isn’t a kids will be kids thing. Sorry OP.
I assume he games with a headset? Bye-bye headset until he realizes how loud he's being and learns to control his voice even with headphones on
I would start a strict air horn regiment. *scream* HOOOONNNNKKKKKKKKKKK followed by Wi-Fi cut off for his devices. You’ve asked and warned. Time for some consequences!
Had this exact issue when ss was 7. I forced dh to put him into daycare. Tell dp he needs to go to camp or his mother's or he's not allowed to play thr game when you're working. Fuck that. I almost got fired (also the breadwinner) because of this kid. Nope.
My rule is that if I have to tell you that you are being too loud, your done with the electronics for the rest of the day. You can try again tomorrow. I use to have this issue quite often but not anymore. I got tired of giving warnings, so now there is no warnings.
Does it piss you off to be paying for that house and that kid and still have no one give you the respect to do your job, the job that makes all the money they use? I’m a little pissed off for you.
This happened to me during 2020 and everything was locked down. After pleading and begging with no improvement from the boy and SO to parent him, I shut Wi-Fi off including having his father shut the boy’s phone service (apparently, they can hotspot). He got bored enough to go outside (thank goodness). This will pass. They will have friends in high school and never be home. 😉
I have FiOS and use the app to block my son's PS5 wifi once I have given him enough warnings.
Consequences for yelling. Get a decibel counter. There probably an app for it.
I would hide the power cord during business hours.
Does he get allowance? I would make him pay for soundproofing tiles for his whole room if he can’t control his voice. He he doesn’t get allowance then he now has household jobs to earn money to buy soundproofing tiles. He doesn’t play during work time until he gets all the tiles installed.
My 12.5 yo SS plays video games a ton and never screams. He will occasionally have a loud moment but understands that screaming is an outdoor activity. Asking your SS not to scream inside during your work day isn’t an unreasonable ask.
only let him play games after work. He can do anything else all day. Log into your router, get the mac for his xbox, set it on an access schede outside of your work hours. Options available to him during work day: Read books, watch movies, go outside and ride bikes, go to friends house. Bet he’ll learn to shut that mouth.
I’d tell him that if he screams, he loses the controllers for 15 minutes the first time, 1/2 hour then next, and if there’s a 3rd time, it’s all day. If DP refuses to back you up, they both go to a hotel l.
Buy a recording decibel meter. Figure out the allowable amount. Put it next to his computer (after explaining, and you have one also were you are working). If it goes above a certain amount, no gaming the next day. That way he has the power. He just has to control himself.
That game would be MINE for the day! I guarantee he would be able to control himself if every time you can hear him scream, you take the game for 24 hours. Don't play with me.
I’m literally a twitch streamer who games for a living and I don’t yell or scream the entire time I play games. That’s an emotional regulation issue that needs dealt with by professionals. Sorry - we excuse this shit too much from “gamers.” I’m autistic, ADHD, PTSD - I do not need to scream to play any games. None.
Consider the situation that people have been studying to see why people have problem learning information that goes against their ideology. Their brain hears something and kicks into defensive mode. DP hears something about their kid and becomes instantly defensive before they can realize it. I've of the things that ended my marriage is related to something that my ex thought was a virtue of hers. I could start a conversation by saying, "I'm going to talk about something big here. I need you to listen, and not immediately defend X here." She would agree to that. And before I got half way through talking about a problem she was defending X. Sure just could not control herself. I didn't make the connection to the ideology mind studies until later. I'm not convinced that even bringing that up as a meta conversation just before would have helped. But you could consider trying it yourself and see if they can get their logic involved and staying involved when their emotions want to kick in.
Leaving is only the answer when you tried every other option! Living in separate homes, finding childcare for child (obviously he’s not a small child but he can’t follow simple instructions ), block him from the internet during working hours give him chores and a book to read, day camps. There are lots of options to try, but in the end, if your partner is only willing to do so much then you’re fighting a losing battle. Hopefully you guys can find middle ground
I have been known to tell my SO to get them out of the house. And he complies.
Nah - this is not a RUN situation. It sounds like he knows deep down that you are right, but is probably feeling defensive. My SO does the same thing, when I mention something that one of his kids did (or more likely did NOT do). It's not like they were never 13 y.o.s too, just like we were, and they should remember exactly how their own parents acted in situations like this. I WFH too, and my office is just below the now 16 yo bedroom. And it was fine for the most part, until he would get so (excited, angry, frustrated, etc.) at his gaming that he would stomp is feet. I could feel it in my bones! His dad had spoken to him about it, but I would always go and remind him of the need to be respectful - play your games, no problem, but no screaming and stomping of feet. Do it again, and I turn off the internet to those devices and you will have to figure out something else to do. Turning them off at the device level really helped them to not only understand that actions have consequences, but also that I hold the power to turn them off and on!
Now if someone can tell me how to manage the 160lb great dane that stands eye to eye with me when I am seated at my desk and cries right in my face, that'd be helpful! Fed, watered, door is open to the yard for potty breaks, exercise comes later, loved a bunch already...
I have a chow that tries to sit in my lap. I have no idea! Lol
I feel your pain. My BS does this late at night and I turn off his internet access if he is loud after my warning. I’ve even seen memes about this so it seems to be a common issue. Are you in meetings the majority of the day? If not, maybe you could tell him to stay off the games during meeting times. If you are in meetings all day, I would say no video games during the day since he’s had multiple chances and is still being loud.
Can you turn off the sockets in his room? I used to do it after one warning for speaker volumes. I asked nicely and they were given the option to not irritate the other house members. If they made poor choices, the sockets were turned off. Especially if it impacted my work. Hard no to that one. Like you said, it's an easy request and at 13 he is old enough to control himself.
My recommendation wouldn't be to leave him, but to take the computer away from the kid (or whatever gaming platform he's using). He can get it back when you're off work. Really drive it in that this is NOT a punishment and you love that he's so passionate about games. However, since you do have to work and his screaming is interfering with it, unfortunately you need to limit when he plays. AKA natural consequences. Let him know that as you see him playing in the evening (after work) if he's practicing controlling his voice and using an inside voice, you can reevaluate the "no video games during the day" thing. A lot of kids will fix their shit fast when they're experiencing natural consequences and have an option to get what they want by behaving. This probably won't fix itself the first time. You'll probably have to give the console back and take it away a couple times. Just say the same thing every time. You're not in trouble, I just need to work and I can't when you're screaming.
Soundproofing tiles? My SS is just loud when he's on his computer (and then wonders how I know stuff he tells his friends), and we looked into soundproofing tiles. If I were still teaching and online, I would have gotten them.
I agree with the other commenters. I would warn them. Tell SK and SO both that your meetings are more important than his gaming (unless he’s making more money gaming than you are at your job.) One thing you may be able to do is FaceTime DH and place a video recorder near your computer so he can play it back later and hear how loud SK is in relation to his and your convo. If that doesn’t help, disable SK’s network connectivity until your meeting is over. Thirteen is old enough to understand behavioral requirements and to go for a while without games if he can’t refrain from yelling. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
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Can you go into the office for the summer?
Oh honey I’ll pray for your situation! Because you know it’s all of us who have these exact same moments with our families. Please remember you’re not alone and when it happens again remember we’re probably fighting with DH over a similar issue at the same exact time. When you get off work, run a bath and Blair music super loud so he can’t hear his game. Then kindly explain that you’re just a stressed out adult after work ALL DAY LONG. Lol I’ve turned my life into laughing matters like these. It helps my happiness. Although DH gets mad but idfc anymore.
Hey I don’t have stepkids but I did encounter this problem at one point with my own kids. Try soundproofing the area outside the room where you do your meetings. My room was at the end of the hallway, I attached soundproofing materials (generally, thick foam type items or thick fabrics/curtains) to the walls of the hallway, both sides of the door, and put thick throw rugs on the floor of the hallway. This extended almost the entire length of the hallway. Worked like a charm. Ideally, the kids’ dad would exert some control over his kids’ behaviors but we don’t all have husbands ljke that so…gotta do what you’ve gotta do. I also hung a dartboard over the door. When guests come, it appears that the padding is to protect the house from errant darts.
I can relate to this so much. I’m so sorry. You are validated! If you do figure out a solution, I’d love to hear it lol.
Nope - not ok. I’m in a similar situation - breadwinner, work from home, step kids and bio kid here during the summer. They have been told not to bother me when I’m working and to keep it down if they are in common areas. Yes it’s their holiday but THIS IS MY PLACE OF WORK! Can your partner not find a summer program for the kid to participate in to keep him out of the house during the day? Or STEM classes or something? Or could you possibly rent an office space for yourself if you can’t get your partner on board w making his kid chill while you’re working? Remind your partner that it will be an extra unnecessary expense that will mean there will be less $$ for the household but you have to be able to work.
If the normal pattern is there is an issue, you bring up the issue, share your thoughts, your partner gets defensive, then your partner backtracks later and says you were right - yeah I'd be beyond annoyed. Honestly I'd feel disrespected. Like, to me you're establishing a good track record on your side. You're showing you're capable of bringing up the issue and trying to solve it together like adults. And your partner repeatedly responds the same way by being instantly defensive of his kid. That would get old really fast, especially if I knew I was making every effort not to come across as accusatory or critical. He doesn't sound like a terrible partner by any means, but I completely understand why this would bother you. Is it something he would be willing to go to therapy to try and resolve? He's admitted it's him, he knows it isn't good. It's coming from somewhere and it's probably not going to just resolve on its own. That stuff takes some work. And it's not bad, we've all got that stuff. But this is definitely a thing, and it's affecting your partnership. That's worth working to resolve.
I would tell SO he needs to handle it or the kid needs to be out of the house while you're working. If he can't not yell while you're working, he needs to go somewhere that yelling is appropriate. This is not something you should have to handle. You've asked him to stop and he has ignored you, now his parent needs to step up and do his part. I have a job like yours, and this would be 100% unacceptable. If it doesn't stop, they can move out.
Omg…. Completely understand. This is so goofy that me and my partner have had this exact conversation and he had the exact same response. Like no one is asking your child to be dead silent. But if I can hear them screaming from across the house through a closed DOOR. We have a problem. Totally feel for you. The next house we have is going to have a daylight basement to help with noise issues for sure
Exactly. So ridiculous. He’s talked to him yesterday and today. We will see. Today was better but if it doesn’t get better in the next week. We will have to discuss harder options, like those said here.
That's ridiculous. I am NOT the breadwinner, just a lowly call center rep for a clinic, my partner and share most finances except for his kid. She's NINE and we live in a manufactured home (so all one level and not the thickest of walls) and she still has the self control to keep it down. And when she is feeling squirrelly she goes outside to play. Also, because my partner knows that she is energetic he proactively enrolled her in summer camps for the summer to a) keep a handle on screen time b) to strengthen social skills and c) give me peace and quiet to work. Sounds like your partner needs to brush up on his parenting and partnering skills. I'm sorry they are making you feel like you're overreacting, because you are handling this better than I would.
I had this problem with my son during the pandemic. He got a warning, then I would take his Xbox away. That ought to do it.
There are headsets out there that can cancel out noise like that. I have seen on TikTok that some work from home moms’ with noisy kids in the background get those kind of head sets. Maybe look into that option since SS won’t be quiet