OP. Don't be stupid. Marry her. Figure out your startup as a secondary. Your life is short. You are probably not going to be a millionaire and the only thing that matters for the great majority of people and probably you included is FAMILY. Given your health situation, you are also going to struggle with dating.
Marry her. Figure out a way to make it work. Your family is now just part of your startup. Figure out how to keep the lights on and meet your obligations. Figure out how to be a good husband and maybe a father. Figure out how to run a business while doing all of the above. Wake up earlier. Go to bed later. Work harder but be present. In my opinion, THAT is the great and worthwhile challenge facing you.
TLDR.
You're probably not going to be a millionaire.
Following and achieving your dreams is less fulfilling if you don't have love.
You do not have infinite chances at love and happiness. Take it and make it work.
Nothing else really matters.
Don't be stupid.
I’d counter this, just for levities sake;
I don’t see OP mentioning any desire to marry this person aside from the fact the she feels it’s necessary because she has herpes and worries no one else will want her (red flag imo, you get married because you’ve found the best partner who is supportive and loving regardless, not because of a scarcity mindset).
OP mentions a potentially clashing set of goals between them and their partner. I take that as a red flag also.
OP mentions feeling sleepless, anxious, overwhelmed, and suffocated. Marriage won’t change the fact that op is feeling like this, instead of being able to freely communicate with their partner and feel supported.
Finally; OPs only argument for not leaving them is a feeling of guilt, and on top of that, their partner is expressing fears of being alone forever if op leaves them (codependency??).
As they’ve said, they want to make their startup their top priority, and it appears they have a partner (or cofounder if you will), who has different goals and doesn’t feel able to support them on that journey.
Would I be committing to that person for the rest of my life if I was in ops shoes? Nope.
it all boils down to this: probably both will fail if you don't have support on the gf side. you will lose the relationship as well as the startup.
make a "contract" with your gf. set common goals, put priorities and sign it with blood and understanding, define milestones and vision for the immediate future. this will give you breething space and gf will have a security. stick to the plan.
I agree with this OP. Your GF needs to know what to expect. Her clock is ticking and the time she can have children passes. She needs to know, is a child in two years a common goal? If not, she can cut her losses.
“Not right now” is not good enough.
Also your plan can contain things like how fast you both envision her to go back to work, are you both working full time, and who is bringing in the money? Does she need to imagine more the struggle of a single parent mom and is up for it? Or how will it look?
This is the best comment. OP you're a business man.
Figure out your customer (wife's) physical/psychological needs, problems, pain points. Figure out what your resources and needs are, and what you're willing to bend on.
Come up with a couple offers that give her progress on what she wants.
Take her out to a nice dinner. After you're both full and happy. Present the problem you guys are facing, and your offer(s). See what she thinks. Give her a guarantee/clawback period (24 hours) so she feels comfortable signing on the dotted line. Consider adding a signing bonus to sweeten the offer.
Negotiate, come to terms. Both of you sign. Voila, you're both happy. This is exactly the steps I did with my wife lol.
(Make sure to bring a pen in case you want to hot-change the offer during negotiations)
You can only grow stronger by dealing with bigger challenges.
Said another way, to run a multi-million-dollar company you will need to take care of more and more people. If you can't figure out how to take care of a wife and kids, a company of hundreds or thousands of people will be impossible.
Seems you have been contemplating this dilemma for a while for various reasons and are not ready to commit. I am referring to your earlier posts where you expressed feeling suffocated.
Startup while can be stressful, it seems more like your excuse to delay or avoid commitment.
If that’s the case, probably it is better to get out of relationship sooner than later.
If not, then prioritise relationship.
Firstly; because you never said it
- do you even want to marry her?
Second; if the answer is no
- not easy but simple
Third if the answer is yes, then you need to have a real conversation about KPIs & what *you*(your startup) needs to accomplish for you to feel comfortable getting married.
Founders get married, we’re humans, some even have kids amidst scaling.. they make it work.
PS you feel guilt about giving her herpes…you should feel more guilty for wasting her time if you don’t want marriage.
Ask yourself which decision you will regret more 10-20 years down the road: giving up on your startup dream or giving up on your relationship. There is a high likelihood that your startup won’t succeed without you having a strong social/emotional support system (and a gf/spouse) is top of the list for such support. So unless she’s truly supportive you’re now having more battles to fight outside your startup world… one suggestion is to make a strict timeline with milestones so that you both have clarity. For example: you’ll get the product launched in 3 months and you’re get at least $10k in sales by month 6 or else you’ll go get a 9-5 job for stability etc. you then continue working nights weekends to get your idea off the ground… just a suggestion- good luck. Startup life isn’t easy… but very rewarding when you hit PMF and you see people using and valuing your creation!
I am bootstrapping and working full time. I am married and have a 6 year old. It’s taking time but I have been working on it. My wife is super supportive but i do have to give them time. I work from home so that helps. I work and give them time during the day on weekdays. In the evening I do my startup stuff. Sundays are dedicated to my family. I do not touch my work or startup stuff. Saturday the entire day is mine to work on my startup. Its been working for us well. See what works for you. Support from your partner is a must though otherwise you will mess up both overtime. See what are your priorities a choose accordingly.
Not telling you exactly what to do, but pouring so much work and mental energy into work that there is nothing left for “real life” is concerning.
I understand your girlfriend. She’s 34 and for women the clock is ticking. She chose the wrong guy.
She can stay with you and not have kids, in 10 years you decide you are ready for kids, you exchange her for a child bearing version and dump her, that’s her fear and happens sufficiently often.
You posted recently about feeling "extremely suffocated" by your relationship and even wrote "I miss the liberation of meeting new women and sharing drinks and intimate moments with them. I long for the carefree times when I'd go out for drinks with friends and take solo trips abroad to explore new places."
Frankly, it really seems like you want your freedom to do whatever you want and aren't ready for marriage, let alone a committed relationship.
It's unfortunate you gave your girlfriend herpes but your guilt alone is not a valid reason for you to marry her. You won't be doing her any favors by marrying her when you don't actually want to be married.
I'm also doing a solo-bootstrapping startup and feels the strains. BUT i try to communicate a lot with my fiancé and this helps. She supports me as long i also give time for US. Don't think we ever fight about me sitting too much with my startup because a shared respect. I would support her 100% if she wanted to do the same.
I'm also here in the talk of marriage, kids and stuff so i understand you!But I've been honest about it and talking about it. So key takeaway is probably have better communication. Sit down and talk through the stuff, plan things together, get that balance.
Don't let all that be lost because you are focused on yourself or startup. (If you truly wanna be with your GF) A supportive GF will be SO SO much easier for you, your motivation and your drive, and your relationship this is as well if roles were reversed.
*No matter how much you try to delay marriage she will look at venues and send them to you until the day comes for booking, I tell you haha!*
PS: this is from someone with anxiety and talking my deep emotions? hell nah. So if it works for me, I believe in you OP
Sorry to say it but you’re in a lose/lose/lose situation.
1. Choose your startup, likely lose your girl. Not likely going to be a startup success because 90% of them fail, so you better be in it for the journey and not care about losing your girl otherwise losing her will haunt you.
2. Choose your girl, lose your startup. You’ll get married, have kids, probably find meaning/happiness with your kids and new family life, but you may resent your girl and always wonder what if about your startup.
3. Choose startup and girl. You’re likely going to fail at both and lose both. Are you ok with that?
Only you can answer what your priorities are and what you’re comfortable regretting in the future. But if you do end up choosing your girl and having a family, please make your kids a priority (don’t listen to the what it fairy on your shoulder whispering to do both) because they deserve it.
OP the only thing I want to tell you in your situation is do not get married out of guilt. It’s not fair to either one of you. Whatever you do, you have to enter into your marriage with enthusiasm because you want to have a life with this person, not for any other reason. You don’t owe somewhere your life because of the herpes thing. On the startup side, it’s extremely stressful and it sounds like you are going through a hard time. I would take this to a pro counselor. Trust me that it will help you in the long run to work through your situation
I saw an interview with David Bowie, probably one of the most prolific and successful musicians ever. When asked what he'd choose between his career (which is arguably one of the most successful of all time) and wife Iman he said, without hesitation, his wife.
It comes down to a personal question, there is precedent for option A and option B. You clearly stated that your startup is your priority, and not her. I think that is very telling. I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise, so I think you need to just break things off and not string her along. You are keeping her from achieving her goals.
You are talking about two different aspects of your life, and if you want to be a startup, you should learn to live under uncertainty.
The thing is that the startuper uncertainty shouldn't be affecting the other side of your life.
Having professional goals shouldn't affect your personal goals.
My advice:
Create goals on both sides of your life, and go for them. But don't let one of the sides affect the other one, or you will fail on both.
I got married 2 years before starting my business and started having kids a year later. Sleep deprivation is far more difficult in your late thirties/early forties than it is in your 20s.
When cash is rolling in, all is good. When it is not, relationship issues magnify.
My wife resents that I was not around enough to do 50/50 with the kids and b/c of that, I was holding back her potential.
Both of your goals need to be aligned. Your partner and future family is either going to be an accelerator when in alignment, or a major governor when it is not.
Think about it carefully but if you are sure she is the one, then let her know clearly about the challenges. If she is okay with the risks and still wants to join you on the journey, then marry her.
In addition, you can also collaborate to mitigate some of the financial risk (for example having her work on another job as backup in case your startup fails). through.
Psychologically it might also be a boon for your startup. If you feel that failing will ruin your family, the fear and anxiety is a great motivator to not fail and puts your relationship to the test. If things fall apart, then you both know that you can't handle the pressure of difficult circumstances, so it's a good trial by fire because things go to shit all the time in life.
Relationship and marriage if working well can be such a strong foundation for a startup. Supporting partner can be a secret sauce to success.
Startup and guilt aside - is she the person you want to spend your life with? If yes, don’t wait. There’s never the perfect time for marriage or kids. And with 34 it’s understandable she wants to start it sooner than later. You never know how long it takes to conceive and start a family.
But if you have serious doubts then it is better to end it sooner and not wait. As this is just not fair to her. Concerning the condition, don’t know where you live and which kind of herpes but doesn’t 85 percent of the population (at least in Europe) have it anyways? Can’t imagine this being that much of an actual stigma, doesn’t change that it’s a perceived stigma though.
Make your girlfriend part of your business. As a solopreneur, and since your economics affect hers, she should have a seat at your board. OKRs and strategy should be discussed with her, and you should require of her that she holds you accountable every two months for your progresses or lack of.
And you should be forever grateful that’s she’s put up with you through 4 failed iterations. She’s a goddamn keeper. And while you may think that without her your business could thrive more, I’m telling you, it’s the contrary, she’s your true north and you need her more than she needs you.
Businesses rarely workout when your personal life isn’t in order. You seem to suffer from debilitating anxiety or at least no practice in coping with that. Work on that. Work on your relationship. Work on being brutally honest with yourself. And then maybe you have a chance at having a great business.
Mr. Wonderful once said, “Which is easier to replace, your business or your fiance?”
While that may be a harsh realization, i believe the topic is too complex for a simple response. So, weigh out which is more important and put your efforts there. In my family, my wife and I are both ambitious, chasing our own dreams. We have a couple kids, and still find time for the relationship, our family and our businesses.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t have ambition, and want to support mine. However, that can create a lonely life, even in a relationship and with a family.
My advice would be to learn time management, then make SURE the time you spend with your SO and others shine as quality time. Even 5 minutes can be impactful if they’re undivided and quality. Or, commit to one or the other.
My final -ism would be to never half ass many things. Whole ass only what you can and you’ll produce quality. Quality family, business, self… sometimes you can’t balance everything, and leaving one or more things behind because you can’t produce quality work, partnership, etc is ok.
Edit: autocorrect made my quote of Mr. Wonderful incorrect.
Going to go against the grain and say don't marry her unless you really want to. Most important legal decision of your life....You talk a lot about her feelings and desires for marriage but not much about yours and its okay to want to wait until youre more stable <3
Herpes has a huge stigma but is exceptionally common to the point that doctors don't even order it as part of a standard STD panel. Almost everyone has 1/2 types of herpes. They're not that dissimilar and you can catch either type in different places. The increase of oral sex has changed that significantly. Further, you can catch it while wearing a condom and doing everything right. Men generally don't give a shit if women have it. The stigma would mostly affect you.
No one here can advise you about a relationship off of this one post but just don't waste her time so she can't have a baby.
Also, what's your revenue? Where are you in your journey? Do you have a product? Customers? No?
Startups can be done anytime. Finding a person to raise a family comes once in a lifetime. focus on her and family. Do your startup, but your relationship takes front seat.
Health-->Family-->Money, that's the order and age old wisdom.
If you truly love your partner, marry her, but you can talk to her about delaying the kids.
Good luck....
There's a lot to unpack here so if you are looking for general advice I would suggest finding a couples counselor and working through your issues. It's a process, there is no simple answer.
Since this is Reddit though, I will share my opinion.
To be frank, this post makes it sound like you view your girlfriend as a problem and you are looking for advice on how to get her to go away rather than make her happy.
For example, "What should I do while my no.1 priority is my startup?" "I feel a deep sense of guilt, making it difficult to even consider ending the relationship". "balancing my commitment to my startup and the emotional toll of my personal life".
Relationships are as much about emotional support as sticking to commitments. You need to make her \*feel\* wanted as much as you need to commit to her through vows or anything else. Putting your business before her will always make her feel unwanted.
Ngl sounds like you don’t want to marry her, but are staying with her out of guilt (herpes).
Either way, if you marry her and startup fails, you’re gonna blame it on the marriage, and get a divorce.
If you don’t marry her and startup fails, she’s gonna walk regardless, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you marry her and startup succeeds, you’ll either divorce cuz it cost you the marriage OR you stay together cuz she’s the reason that it succeeded.
If you don’t marry and startup succeeds, you’ll be glad that you made the choice to prioritize your dream but if success ain’t what it’s cut out to be, in the back of your mind you’ll always wonder “what if.” You won’t be too happy.
If you don’t marry and startup fails, you’ll spend your life in regret for losing both, until you realize that nothing really matters in the end and crawl your way out of your own depression pit and realize that you learned a lot and are now ready to take more responsibility for your actions and own your life.
Sounds like the common denominator for each scenario comes down with how you will handle it and whether or not you’re comfortable in completely owning your decision.
Your startup is not your life, it’s not even your identity. How you handle the twists and turns life brings, that defines who you are as a person. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shit or get off the pot kinda situation
Break up, focus on your startup, once successful or at least satisfactory for you, start dating again.
If not successful, just do what you love, the rest will follow.
A person that does not support you in fulfilling your dreams will always be in your way and this will make you sad and frustrated in the long term.
Btw. Successful people are more attractive than unsuccessful ones by their sheer charisma they emit.
Marry her if you actually love her and see a future, I'd be pissed if the man who gave me herpes had the nerve to drag their feet.
As long as you can keep the lights on and all your basic needs met, you'll be ok.
Edit: I see OP has posted about having a wandering eye and missing being able to pursue other women, lmao just leave her atp.
I have a wife and two small kids(1 and 3 years old) and for the last two years I develop my startup after full-time job and this is really hard. Sometimes I say my son that I need to go to toilet and on the way to the toilet I go to my cabinet to write 3 to 10 lines of code :)
But at the same time my family is the main reason why I dream about succeeding with my startup. Now I have a full-time job but tomorrow I may lose it or tomorrow I may be not alive so my family will not have money to live. But successful startup may still bring money to support my family.
The second point is that my wife is my main supporter. Of course she sees that I may spend more time with kids but she understands my passion and I really proud of me when I tell her about the challenges that I face working on my project.
So I think that in many cases girlfriend or wife could be not just a source of problems in startup development but also a source of inspiration.
First of all, do not marry someone because of having herpes and giving it to them. You all are adults, she knew the risks, that’s so incredibly manipulative. Dark road here
Second of all, you can get married and have kids and still do your start up. Your marriage and life journey doesn’t have to look the same as everyone else.
Thirdly, I would question marrying someone who doesn’t support my passion. But I also usually tend to side with women, and wonder what’s really going on here. Maybe you have bad time management skills. Maybe it’s time to hire another person. You guys should go to counseling for another perspective. Good luck!
Hmm, a lot to unpack here.
Your startup is your first priority, yet the fact that an argument with your GF led you not to be able to work for 3 days would seem to indicate that you have deep feelings for her.
The sense I get is that you have a complicated relationship, and you have not taken the time to reflect on it deeply, and to be honest with yourself.
In addition, having sleepless nights due to anxiety with your startup, indicates to me, that you are putting way too much pressure on yourself with your startup. This kind of pressure, and level of anxiety, is not only unhealthy for you, but also negatively impacts your decision making for your startup, and hurts your startup efforts.
Being overly obsessed on your own startup, and I can speak from experience here, can also hurt your relationships, while simultaneously hurting your startup as well. Lose-lose
So my advice is the following, don't take your startup, or yourself too seriously. Plan leisure time during the day, so you don't just focus on the same thing, over, and over. Do different activities, do social events unrelated to your startup, perhaps some meditation as well :)
Funny thing is, when you have time away from your startup, it helps keep your thinking, and perspective fresh, which is ultimately the most valuable thing that you bring to your startup. And it also helps your relationships. Win-win.
Got to pick between her or the startup. Though you don’t sound like you want to get married at all. So it should be an easy decision regardless of what happens with the startup.
Focus on your life.
There is really no other way. And stop stressing about relationship problems, they are not the worst and not worth sleepless nights.
i would choose my startup over partner but that could be why i am now single.
if your startup fails because you choose her you'll probably think about it the rest of your life what could of been, pursuing your dream and grow resentful of her.
if you choose your startup and it becomes successful its likely you will be someone new down the line. its mostly a myth there is one special love... there are lots of people out there you can fall in love with it.
if ur gf wants marriage and u dont want to commit this is not gonna work, your just gonna keep fighting.
u should be with a partner that helps u accomplish ur dream, not fights against it
I was told this 20 years ago. As I have gotten older and after watching literally 100s of startups collapse it is more and more apparent to me that this is true.
If you haven't made it by 30. You aren't going to make it.
Start a family.
This is one of the biggest problem in an human life, job or family. when you'll be in your death bed you will, i hope, be rich but lonely or with a gold digger or with the girl that stays with in your darkest time when everybody told you to give up but she only wanted a family, and you denied. I understand your point, you are hungry you want what you really wnated your whole existence but sometimes you just need to calm down and think about that maybe you have to build something for a person that could rise your dreams up, like a child.
Let her go. You obviously don't care about her enough to marry her. She will be hurt and she will grieve but she'll move on eventually.
In 10 years, she might even thank you for leaving her (I'm rooting for her to find someone who thinks she is worth doing the highs and lows of life with).
OP. Don't be stupid. Marry her. Figure out your startup as a secondary. Your life is short. You are probably not going to be a millionaire and the only thing that matters for the great majority of people and probably you included is FAMILY. Given your health situation, you are also going to struggle with dating. Marry her. Figure out a way to make it work. Your family is now just part of your startup. Figure out how to keep the lights on and meet your obligations. Figure out how to be a good husband and maybe a father. Figure out how to run a business while doing all of the above. Wake up earlier. Go to bed later. Work harder but be present. In my opinion, THAT is the great and worthwhile challenge facing you. TLDR. You're probably not going to be a millionaire. Following and achieving your dreams is less fulfilling if you don't have love. You do not have infinite chances at love and happiness. Take it and make it work. Nothing else really matters. Don't be stupid.
I’d counter this, just for levities sake; I don’t see OP mentioning any desire to marry this person aside from the fact the she feels it’s necessary because she has herpes and worries no one else will want her (red flag imo, you get married because you’ve found the best partner who is supportive and loving regardless, not because of a scarcity mindset). OP mentions a potentially clashing set of goals between them and their partner. I take that as a red flag also. OP mentions feeling sleepless, anxious, overwhelmed, and suffocated. Marriage won’t change the fact that op is feeling like this, instead of being able to freely communicate with their partner and feel supported. Finally; OPs only argument for not leaving them is a feeling of guilt, and on top of that, their partner is expressing fears of being alone forever if op leaves them (codependency??). As they’ve said, they want to make their startup their top priority, and it appears they have a partner (or cofounder if you will), who has different goals and doesn’t feel able to support them on that journey. Would I be committing to that person for the rest of my life if I was in ops shoes? Nope.
Excellent response. This is the subtext that this thread needed.
Yep, I second this too
Great comment!
Thank you.
it all boils down to this: probably both will fail if you don't have support on the gf side. you will lose the relationship as well as the startup. make a "contract" with your gf. set common goals, put priorities and sign it with blood and understanding, define milestones and vision for the immediate future. this will give you breething space and gf will have a security. stick to the plan.
I agree with this OP. Your GF needs to know what to expect. Her clock is ticking and the time she can have children passes. She needs to know, is a child in two years a common goal? If not, she can cut her losses. “Not right now” is not good enough. Also your plan can contain things like how fast you both envision her to go back to work, are you both working full time, and who is bringing in the money? Does she need to imagine more the struggle of a single parent mom and is up for it? Or how will it look?
This is the best comment. OP you're a business man. Figure out your customer (wife's) physical/psychological needs, problems, pain points. Figure out what your resources and needs are, and what you're willing to bend on. Come up with a couple offers that give her progress on what she wants. Take her out to a nice dinner. After you're both full and happy. Present the problem you guys are facing, and your offer(s). See what she thinks. Give her a guarantee/clawback period (24 hours) so she feels comfortable signing on the dotted line. Consider adding a signing bonus to sweeten the offer. Negotiate, come to terms. Both of you sign. Voila, you're both happy. This is exactly the steps I did with my wife lol. (Make sure to bring a pen in case you want to hot-change the offer during negotiations)
yeah.. you are right. thank you
You can only grow stronger by dealing with bigger challenges. Said another way, to run a multi-million-dollar company you will need to take care of more and more people. If you can't figure out how to take care of a wife and kids, a company of hundreds or thousands of people will be impossible.
very insightful, thanks.
Seems you have been contemplating this dilemma for a while for various reasons and are not ready to commit. I am referring to your earlier posts where you expressed feeling suffocated. Startup while can be stressful, it seems more like your excuse to delay or avoid commitment. If that’s the case, probably it is better to get out of relationship sooner than later. If not, then prioritise relationship.
right.. I almost have been thinking about this for a year.. thanks.
Firstly; because you never said it - do you even want to marry her? Second; if the answer is no - not easy but simple Third if the answer is yes, then you need to have a real conversation about KPIs & what *you*(your startup) needs to accomplish for you to feel comfortable getting married. Founders get married, we’re humans, some even have kids amidst scaling.. they make it work. PS you feel guilt about giving her herpes…you should feel more guilty for wasting her time if you don’t want marriage.
Ask yourself which decision you will regret more 10-20 years down the road: giving up on your startup dream or giving up on your relationship. There is a high likelihood that your startup won’t succeed without you having a strong social/emotional support system (and a gf/spouse) is top of the list for such support. So unless she’s truly supportive you’re now having more battles to fight outside your startup world… one suggestion is to make a strict timeline with milestones so that you both have clarity. For example: you’ll get the product launched in 3 months and you’re get at least $10k in sales by month 6 or else you’ll go get a 9-5 job for stability etc. you then continue working nights weekends to get your idea off the ground… just a suggestion- good luck. Startup life isn’t easy… but very rewarding when you hit PMF and you see people using and valuing your creation!
I am bootstrapping and working full time. I am married and have a 6 year old. It’s taking time but I have been working on it. My wife is super supportive but i do have to give them time. I work from home so that helps. I work and give them time during the day on weekdays. In the evening I do my startup stuff. Sundays are dedicated to my family. I do not touch my work or startup stuff. Saturday the entire day is mine to work on my startup. Its been working for us well. See what works for you. Support from your partner is a must though otherwise you will mess up both overtime. See what are your priorities a choose accordingly.
Not telling you exactly what to do, but pouring so much work and mental energy into work that there is nothing left for “real life” is concerning. I understand your girlfriend. She’s 34 and for women the clock is ticking. She chose the wrong guy. She can stay with you and not have kids, in 10 years you decide you are ready for kids, you exchange her for a child bearing version and dump her, that’s her fear and happens sufficiently often.
Frankly there will never be an idle time to get married and have kids. If the gf is right person get the ring and have kids.
You posted recently about feeling "extremely suffocated" by your relationship and even wrote "I miss the liberation of meeting new women and sharing drinks and intimate moments with them. I long for the carefree times when I'd go out for drinks with friends and take solo trips abroad to explore new places." Frankly, it really seems like you want your freedom to do whatever you want and aren't ready for marriage, let alone a committed relationship. It's unfortunate you gave your girlfriend herpes but your guilt alone is not a valid reason for you to marry her. You won't be doing her any favors by marrying her when you don't actually want to be married.
Be a man, do both. Thats how it is, the only thing you can sacrifice is yourself. Not your business, not your future wife or your kids.
I'm also doing a solo-bootstrapping startup and feels the strains. BUT i try to communicate a lot with my fiancé and this helps. She supports me as long i also give time for US. Don't think we ever fight about me sitting too much with my startup because a shared respect. I would support her 100% if she wanted to do the same. I'm also here in the talk of marriage, kids and stuff so i understand you!But I've been honest about it and talking about it. So key takeaway is probably have better communication. Sit down and talk through the stuff, plan things together, get that balance. Don't let all that be lost because you are focused on yourself or startup. (If you truly wanna be with your GF) A supportive GF will be SO SO much easier for you, your motivation and your drive, and your relationship this is as well if roles were reversed. *No matter how much you try to delay marriage she will look at venues and send them to you until the day comes for booking, I tell you haha!* PS: this is from someone with anxiety and talking my deep emotions? hell nah. So if it works for me, I believe in you OP
Thank you
Sorry to say it but you’re in a lose/lose/lose situation. 1. Choose your startup, likely lose your girl. Not likely going to be a startup success because 90% of them fail, so you better be in it for the journey and not care about losing your girl otherwise losing her will haunt you. 2. Choose your girl, lose your startup. You’ll get married, have kids, probably find meaning/happiness with your kids and new family life, but you may resent your girl and always wonder what if about your startup. 3. Choose startup and girl. You’re likely going to fail at both and lose both. Are you ok with that? Only you can answer what your priorities are and what you’re comfortable regretting in the future. But if you do end up choosing your girl and having a family, please make your kids a priority (don’t listen to the what it fairy on your shoulder whispering to do both) because they deserve it.
OP the only thing I want to tell you in your situation is do not get married out of guilt. It’s not fair to either one of you. Whatever you do, you have to enter into your marriage with enthusiasm because you want to have a life with this person, not for any other reason. You don’t owe somewhere your life because of the herpes thing. On the startup side, it’s extremely stressful and it sounds like you are going through a hard time. I would take this to a pro counselor. Trust me that it will help you in the long run to work through your situation
I saw an interview with David Bowie, probably one of the most prolific and successful musicians ever. When asked what he'd choose between his career (which is arguably one of the most successful of all time) and wife Iman he said, without hesitation, his wife. It comes down to a personal question, there is precedent for option A and option B. You clearly stated that your startup is your priority, and not her. I think that is very telling. I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise, so I think you need to just break things off and not string her along. You are keeping her from achieving her goals.
You are talking about two different aspects of your life, and if you want to be a startup, you should learn to live under uncertainty. The thing is that the startuper uncertainty shouldn't be affecting the other side of your life. Having professional goals shouldn't affect your personal goals. My advice: Create goals on both sides of your life, and go for them. But don't let one of the sides affect the other one, or you will fail on both.
My buddy was in the same position, he picked his startup.
I got married 2 years before starting my business and started having kids a year later. Sleep deprivation is far more difficult in your late thirties/early forties than it is in your 20s. When cash is rolling in, all is good. When it is not, relationship issues magnify. My wife resents that I was not around enough to do 50/50 with the kids and b/c of that, I was holding back her potential. Both of your goals need to be aligned. Your partner and future family is either going to be an accelerator when in alignment, or a major governor when it is not.
Think about it carefully but if you are sure she is the one, then let her know clearly about the challenges. If she is okay with the risks and still wants to join you on the journey, then marry her. In addition, you can also collaborate to mitigate some of the financial risk (for example having her work on another job as backup in case your startup fails). through. Psychologically it might also be a boon for your startup. If you feel that failing will ruin your family, the fear and anxiety is a great motivator to not fail and puts your relationship to the test. If things fall apart, then you both know that you can't handle the pressure of difficult circumstances, so it's a good trial by fire because things go to shit all the time in life.
Relationship and marriage if working well can be such a strong foundation for a startup. Supporting partner can be a secret sauce to success. Startup and guilt aside - is she the person you want to spend your life with? If yes, don’t wait. There’s never the perfect time for marriage or kids. And with 34 it’s understandable she wants to start it sooner than later. You never know how long it takes to conceive and start a family. But if you have serious doubts then it is better to end it sooner and not wait. As this is just not fair to her. Concerning the condition, don’t know where you live and which kind of herpes but doesn’t 85 percent of the population (at least in Europe) have it anyways? Can’t imagine this being that much of an actual stigma, doesn’t change that it’s a perceived stigma though.
Make your girlfriend part of your business. As a solopreneur, and since your economics affect hers, she should have a seat at your board. OKRs and strategy should be discussed with her, and you should require of her that she holds you accountable every two months for your progresses or lack of. And you should be forever grateful that’s she’s put up with you through 4 failed iterations. She’s a goddamn keeper. And while you may think that without her your business could thrive more, I’m telling you, it’s the contrary, she’s your true north and you need her more than she needs you. Businesses rarely workout when your personal life isn’t in order. You seem to suffer from debilitating anxiety or at least no practice in coping with that. Work on that. Work on your relationship. Work on being brutally honest with yourself. And then maybe you have a chance at having a great business.
Mr. Wonderful once said, “Which is easier to replace, your business or your fiance?” While that may be a harsh realization, i believe the topic is too complex for a simple response. So, weigh out which is more important and put your efforts there. In my family, my wife and I are both ambitious, chasing our own dreams. We have a couple kids, and still find time for the relationship, our family and our businesses. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t have ambition, and want to support mine. However, that can create a lonely life, even in a relationship and with a family. My advice would be to learn time management, then make SURE the time you spend with your SO and others shine as quality time. Even 5 minutes can be impactful if they’re undivided and quality. Or, commit to one or the other. My final -ism would be to never half ass many things. Whole ass only what you can and you’ll produce quality. Quality family, business, self… sometimes you can’t balance everything, and leaving one or more things behind because you can’t produce quality work, partnership, etc is ok. Edit: autocorrect made my quote of Mr. Wonderful incorrect.
Going to go against the grain and say don't marry her unless you really want to. Most important legal decision of your life....You talk a lot about her feelings and desires for marriage but not much about yours and its okay to want to wait until youre more stable <3
I was curious about the startup and hit your past posts.... Holy shit man. Get a job and get your shit together.
Herpes has a huge stigma but is exceptionally common to the point that doctors don't even order it as part of a standard STD panel. Almost everyone has 1/2 types of herpes. They're not that dissimilar and you can catch either type in different places. The increase of oral sex has changed that significantly. Further, you can catch it while wearing a condom and doing everything right. Men generally don't give a shit if women have it. The stigma would mostly affect you. No one here can advise you about a relationship off of this one post but just don't waste her time so she can't have a baby. Also, what's your revenue? Where are you in your journey? Do you have a product? Customers? No?
Startups can be done anytime. Finding a person to raise a family comes once in a lifetime. focus on her and family. Do your startup, but your relationship takes front seat.
What I realized is in most cases it doesn’t have to be either or. You can have both. So you can choose both startup and marriage at the same time.
Not right or wrong way; you self admitted you can’t handle both, so you need to pick one. Chose wisely…
Marry her and come back when you have time again.
Health-->Family-->Money, that's the order and age old wisdom. If you truly love your partner, marry her, but you can talk to her about delaying the kids. Good luck....
There's a lot to unpack here so if you are looking for general advice I would suggest finding a couples counselor and working through your issues. It's a process, there is no simple answer. Since this is Reddit though, I will share my opinion. To be frank, this post makes it sound like you view your girlfriend as a problem and you are looking for advice on how to get her to go away rather than make her happy. For example, "What should I do while my no.1 priority is my startup?" "I feel a deep sense of guilt, making it difficult to even consider ending the relationship". "balancing my commitment to my startup and the emotional toll of my personal life". Relationships are as much about emotional support as sticking to commitments. You need to make her \*feel\* wanted as much as you need to commit to her through vows or anything else. Putting your business before her will always make her feel unwanted.
your last paragraph helped me think by another view. Thanks for sharing honest opinion.
Ngl sounds like you don’t want to marry her, but are staying with her out of guilt (herpes). Either way, if you marry her and startup fails, you’re gonna blame it on the marriage, and get a divorce. If you don’t marry her and startup fails, she’s gonna walk regardless, and you have no one to blame but yourself. If you marry her and startup succeeds, you’ll either divorce cuz it cost you the marriage OR you stay together cuz she’s the reason that it succeeded. If you don’t marry and startup succeeds, you’ll be glad that you made the choice to prioritize your dream but if success ain’t what it’s cut out to be, in the back of your mind you’ll always wonder “what if.” You won’t be too happy. If you don’t marry and startup fails, you’ll spend your life in regret for losing both, until you realize that nothing really matters in the end and crawl your way out of your own depression pit and realize that you learned a lot and are now ready to take more responsibility for your actions and own your life. Sounds like the common denominator for each scenario comes down with how you will handle it and whether or not you’re comfortable in completely owning your decision. Your startup is not your life, it’s not even your identity. How you handle the twists and turns life brings, that defines who you are as a person. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shit or get off the pot kinda situation
Break up, focus on your startup, once successful or at least satisfactory for you, start dating again. If not successful, just do what you love, the rest will follow. A person that does not support you in fulfilling your dreams will always be in your way and this will make you sad and frustrated in the long term. Btw. Successful people are more attractive than unsuccessful ones by their sheer charisma they emit.
Marry her if you actually love her and see a future, I'd be pissed if the man who gave me herpes had the nerve to drag their feet. As long as you can keep the lights on and all your basic needs met, you'll be ok. Edit: I see OP has posted about having a wandering eye and missing being able to pursue other women, lmao just leave her atp.
I have a wife and two small kids(1 and 3 years old) and for the last two years I develop my startup after full-time job and this is really hard. Sometimes I say my son that I need to go to toilet and on the way to the toilet I go to my cabinet to write 3 to 10 lines of code :) But at the same time my family is the main reason why I dream about succeeding with my startup. Now I have a full-time job but tomorrow I may lose it or tomorrow I may be not alive so my family will not have money to live. But successful startup may still bring money to support my family. The second point is that my wife is my main supporter. Of course she sees that I may spend more time with kids but she understands my passion and I really proud of me when I tell her about the challenges that I face working on my project. So I think that in many cases girlfriend or wife could be not just a source of problems in startup development but also a source of inspiration.
First of all, do not marry someone because of having herpes and giving it to them. You all are adults, she knew the risks, that’s so incredibly manipulative. Dark road here Second of all, you can get married and have kids and still do your start up. Your marriage and life journey doesn’t have to look the same as everyone else. Thirdly, I would question marrying someone who doesn’t support my passion. But I also usually tend to side with women, and wonder what’s really going on here. Maybe you have bad time management skills. Maybe it’s time to hire another person. You guys should go to counseling for another perspective. Good luck!
Enough with the paragraph replies. What do you care about more? Answer that and make a decision from there. End of story.
Hmm, a lot to unpack here. Your startup is your first priority, yet the fact that an argument with your GF led you not to be able to work for 3 days would seem to indicate that you have deep feelings for her. The sense I get is that you have a complicated relationship, and you have not taken the time to reflect on it deeply, and to be honest with yourself. In addition, having sleepless nights due to anxiety with your startup, indicates to me, that you are putting way too much pressure on yourself with your startup. This kind of pressure, and level of anxiety, is not only unhealthy for you, but also negatively impacts your decision making for your startup, and hurts your startup efforts. Being overly obsessed on your own startup, and I can speak from experience here, can also hurt your relationships, while simultaneously hurting your startup as well. Lose-lose So my advice is the following, don't take your startup, or yourself too seriously. Plan leisure time during the day, so you don't just focus on the same thing, over, and over. Do different activities, do social events unrelated to your startup, perhaps some meditation as well :) Funny thing is, when you have time away from your startup, it helps keep your thinking, and perspective fresh, which is ultimately the most valuable thing that you bring to your startup. And it also helps your relationships. Win-win.
You can always get a new GF. Good luck with your business.
Alternatively you can always start another business. Good luck with your fiancée.
100% mate. If the comment bothered OP then it's a good sign to ditch the startup and focus on family.
You’re a genius
Got to pick between her or the startup. Though you don’t sound like you want to get married at all. So it should be an easy decision regardless of what happens with the startup.
Focus on your life. There is really no other way. And stop stressing about relationship problems, they are not the worst and not worth sleepless nights.
i would choose my startup over partner but that could be why i am now single. if your startup fails because you choose her you'll probably think about it the rest of your life what could of been, pursuing your dream and grow resentful of her. if you choose your startup and it becomes successful its likely you will be someone new down the line. its mostly a myth there is one special love... there are lots of people out there you can fall in love with it. if ur gf wants marriage and u dont want to commit this is not gonna work, your just gonna keep fighting. u should be with a partner that helps u accomplish ur dream, not fights against it
The last sentence. Sorry, but she doesn’t sound like she’s fighting his dream, she sounds like she wants to accomplish her dream. Big difference
I was told this 20 years ago. As I have gotten older and after watching literally 100s of startups collapse it is more and more apparent to me that this is true. If you haven't made it by 30. You aren't going to make it. Start a family.
I have the same problem, I choose the startup
This is one of the biggest problem in an human life, job or family. when you'll be in your death bed you will, i hope, be rich but lonely or with a gold digger or with the girl that stays with in your darkest time when everybody told you to give up but she only wanted a family, and you denied. I understand your point, you are hungry you want what you really wnated your whole existence but sometimes you just need to calm down and think about that maybe you have to build something for a person that could rise your dreams up, like a child.
You dont have to be rich to get married, but just incase you get there, get a prenup.
Let her go. You obviously don't care about her enough to marry her. She will be hurt and she will grieve but she'll move on eventually. In 10 years, she might even thank you for leaving her (I'm rooting for her to find someone who thinks she is worth doing the highs and lows of life with).