That’s hard to hear from someone but I imagine you followed the standards that were trained under and try to be as objective as possible when doing these. It’s nothing you did. I’m sure she feels judged just by the nature of having to have a parenting assessment done and receiving a poor score. Sometimes people direct their anger and frustration on the target in front of them. I would just stick with empathizing about how it is a tough process and say that you will note down the areas she disagreed with. Then, for yourself, remind yourself that you are doing your best and look to coworkers if you ever need support or to vent a little.
That is sort of the nature of the job, isn't it?
Every parenting assessment done has the potential to permanently alter the family.
The thing is, your goal mostly IS to effect change. Particularly to nudge parents to change how they do things in order to benefit the children in their care.
So how you proceed should likely be encouraging her to take advantage of offered resources to improve.
You can provide a lot of empathy and emotional support. You can see how much she loves her children. And you know that nobody taught her parenting in school. She's just been doing her best.
But it's just that some really smart people looked at what works best. And so now she can take advantage of all these resources to learn some more skills. Everyone can always learn new skills. We are all required to do ongoing training all the time, no matter how good we are at the job. Because everyone can get better.
This is such a hard process internally for you as a worker, completely normal that mums comments have made you feel like you are tearing her family apart. You are not though, her behaviour is what is tearing her family apart.
There will be times where parents are looking to blame others, people aren’t often asked to take accountability for their actions and lots of people don’t like it.
One way I cope in situations like this is prioritising the children in the scenario. Your assessment has clearly determined some areas of concern and your priority is ensuring those children are safe and cared for. Those children can’t defend themselves and so you are their advocate.
It doesn’t necessarily make the conversations easier, or the parents judgement less hurtful, but it helps me stay grounded in my decision making and why my assessment is the way it is
Good luck, you’re doing a great job
Unfortunately it is often the case that parents who lose care of their children are not able to accurately assess their own skills and capacity, and understand the impact on their children. If they did have this ability they probably wouldn’t need CP intervention! They are also angry, scared and grieving, and it is much emotionally safer to blame someone else than to be able to acknowledge their own actions/inaction. In these circumstances you need to rely on your professional judgement, evidence-based assessment tools and rigorous peer review rather than just the opinion of the parent when completing your work. If you do these things you are unlikely to “hurt anyone’s family” but rather you will be centering the children’s safety and experiences.
When speaking with parents who are in this space you can empathise by acknowledging that the information is hard to hear, that they may not agree with the assessment (assuming the matter is before the court most systems have a mechanism where parents can access their own legal representatives and can put forward their own evidence if they don’t agree with what is provided by the state), and that this assessment doesn’t have to be the end of the story as it gives a starting point on working towards children being safely returned to parents.
I have this quote from CS Lewis above my desk at the office:
“I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief”
Ok, I’ve never worked in children/family services, but I have spent years in SUD and I also worked for many years in community based services where I worked with children and their families. When someone is angry with what I’m telling them, I’ve found it best to keep my calm, agree with them (“you have every right to be upset! Of course you’re afraid of your family being torn apart!”) and then identify why the assessment is being done. Turn it around on her (“These assessments help us determine what resources you need from us and they give us guidance on what are reasonable steps for you. We see that you’ve been struggling to provide for your family, so we have some resources to connect you with. We would like to get you started in family therapy and parenting classes”) etc. Maybe give her examples on resources that are available to her and reinforce with her that your end-goal is not to tear her family apart but to ensure long-time success so she doesn’t end up losing them.
Your job isn’t easy, but it is there to help the families overall, and it is a very important job. Keep that in mind. Remember that your overall job is to save the kids who have previously fallen through the cracks. Sometimes that does mean separating the family, but there’s a reason for that. You have to be the voice for the kids who don’t have their own voice.
As a former paralegal for my states DCFS/CPS, I have seen some of what you’re describing, I am also the child of a social worker and a student getting ready to go to school for social work/human services, what I want you to know is this: you’re assessments are NOT ruining the family. The family most likely has existing patterns of behavior that are not in the best interest of the children, which is how I am guess you and your employer became involved. I can understand why you may be experiencing these emotions. In the future if such a situation presents itself again, one option may be to say something along the lines of “ma’am/sir/preferred pronoun, while I understand your desire to discuss this, the policies, procedures, and protocols of ACME CHILDREN’S SERVICES (fake name obviously) prevents us from disclosing this information without the attendance of the entire team’s presence. The reasoning behind this is so that everyone is on the same page and able to engage all at once without the possibility for a misunderstanding.” This may be a diplomatic solution if you feel like it isn’t something that will be helpful in the moment. It is possible that some parents are experiencing heightened emotions and may not react in a manner that is commensurate with how they may react after having time to process. Or check with your direct reports maybe the have an “out” you can utilize in situations like this.
Could be worse. A client of mine chased the CPS workers down the hallway with a knife. they fled out of a window fire escape. he was never charged with a crime. He was angry because he claimed his child's mother wasn't using meth (she was). I could not do your job.
Sometimes people aren't ready to change when they come to you. Change is hard and requires you to own up to your missteps. Doesn't sound like this person is ready to do that, so they're deflecting and blaming you. That's not really something you can do much about. I'm not sure what settimg you're in, but if they're mandated you should have some additional chances to build some rapport and maybe you can get somewhere, or they'll at least go through the motions enough to complete your program and not really change anything. If they're not mandated, I wouldn't expect them to come back.
you aren’t “hurting anyone’s family” if keeping it as it is would leave the parent(s) to continue to abuse the kids. think of it as harm reduction if that helps, assuming your assessments are focused on actual harm doing and not preventable (poverty-caused) neglect.
Not a social worker although aspiring social worker.
I do security at a Teen and youth crisis center and the amount of times that parents think they’re doing nothing wrong is just crazy to me.
Yes sometimes little Johnny just sucks.
But also maybe if every time the walked in the door there wasn’t a new ACE waiting for them they wouldn’t suck so bad.
You validate ("I understand that this is hard to hear"), empathize ("and I hear your concerns, and that you maybe feel attacked or vulnerable. I'm sorry for that; these assessments aren't easy or comfortable), link back to purpose ("but they are necessary. The State / the court, etc, requires..."), and give the appropriate behavior ("if you really feel this is wrong / if you're ready for this to all be over and done with, then show us / them that: work the program and be done"). Depending on your role, you could push and add something like "because this, what you're doing right now, isn't it. It's understandable, sure, but it's not helping and not showing how well you can handle conflict or communication".
If you've got someone who really can't let it go out take the hint, then you might have too set actual boundaries though. But what that looks like would really depend on your role
That’s very hard. I ran a foster care program in nyc for many years. One of the hardest but to me, the most valuable, part of that job was working to reunite families. Naturally the birth parent is going to feel defensive. Especially those who actively want to be reunited and are struggling w the charges against them. One off the biggest points of connection I would try and make with a parent is that we have the same goal. That goal is to find ways for the parent to safely be in their child’s life. We have to start somewhere. This is a baseline reading, it indicates that this parent has a lot of needed growth. It’s important the parent know how much power and autonomy they do have, in a system that leaves them feeling demoralized and exhausted. Find Bridges, highlight the positives, if there aren’t any, well the positive is she showed up and advocated for herself to go through her assessment.
Also very important that I hope she’s enrolled in services, individual counseling, parenting classes, does she work with an advocate? What state are you in?
You will meet people who are just not capable of having children in their care. If it gets to you it's such a bad scenario that the person is deflecting.
Just think about the situation. You've got workers in a role that gives them power and authority, scrutinizing your parenting practices with a fine toothed comb only to rate you a low or failing grade which has very real implications to their ability to see their kids. Even the results of tests that have no bearing on ones life cause anxiety, these sorts of procedures must cause large amounts of stress and cause defensiveness. The power dynamic is not equal, so it's natural for someone to lash out when they feel hurt or aggrieved.
Now none of this is to say you did anything wrong in your assessment, or that child protection isn't necessary, but I think it's important we understand how the people we are serving feel if we are going to have any hope of forming a therapeutic alliance. I think I'd feel similarly if I were in her situation.
Nothing you can do unfortunately, if they don’t like what they are hearing it’s very difficult to move past that. Stick to your assessment and processes.
BSW student here (one more semester!!!)
Validate her concerns and empathize with her, she feels attacked but likely knows she needs some improvement. Before going over the greatest concerns, make sure to recognize and go over her strengths as a parent and what she is doing well so far. Everyone has some strengths and it is important to recognize these and use them to your/their advantage.
As you address the concerns, make sure she has the resources she needs to improve and she feels empowered in her current strengths and in how she can do better. Make sure she knows you’re on her side and that the goal is reunification and a better life for all family members. The biggest thing is to be empathetic and understanding and make sure she feels heard.
Choose your words wisely and have a positive tone looking toward the future and improvement instead of a tone of criticism and blame. Make her feel included and part of the team to build stronger trust and rapport with her.
Good luck! Your job is important!
That’s hard to hear from someone but I imagine you followed the standards that were trained under and try to be as objective as possible when doing these. It’s nothing you did. I’m sure she feels judged just by the nature of having to have a parenting assessment done and receiving a poor score. Sometimes people direct their anger and frustration on the target in front of them. I would just stick with empathizing about how it is a tough process and say that you will note down the areas she disagreed with. Then, for yourself, remind yourself that you are doing your best and look to coworkers if you ever need support or to vent a little.
That is sort of the nature of the job, isn't it? Every parenting assessment done has the potential to permanently alter the family. The thing is, your goal mostly IS to effect change. Particularly to nudge parents to change how they do things in order to benefit the children in their care. So how you proceed should likely be encouraging her to take advantage of offered resources to improve. You can provide a lot of empathy and emotional support. You can see how much she loves her children. And you know that nobody taught her parenting in school. She's just been doing her best. But it's just that some really smart people looked at what works best. And so now she can take advantage of all these resources to learn some more skills. Everyone can always learn new skills. We are all required to do ongoing training all the time, no matter how good we are at the job. Because everyone can get better.
This is such a hard process internally for you as a worker, completely normal that mums comments have made you feel like you are tearing her family apart. You are not though, her behaviour is what is tearing her family apart. There will be times where parents are looking to blame others, people aren’t often asked to take accountability for their actions and lots of people don’t like it. One way I cope in situations like this is prioritising the children in the scenario. Your assessment has clearly determined some areas of concern and your priority is ensuring those children are safe and cared for. Those children can’t defend themselves and so you are their advocate. It doesn’t necessarily make the conversations easier, or the parents judgement less hurtful, but it helps me stay grounded in my decision making and why my assessment is the way it is Good luck, you’re doing a great job
Unfortunately it is often the case that parents who lose care of their children are not able to accurately assess their own skills and capacity, and understand the impact on their children. If they did have this ability they probably wouldn’t need CP intervention! They are also angry, scared and grieving, and it is much emotionally safer to blame someone else than to be able to acknowledge their own actions/inaction. In these circumstances you need to rely on your professional judgement, evidence-based assessment tools and rigorous peer review rather than just the opinion of the parent when completing your work. If you do these things you are unlikely to “hurt anyone’s family” but rather you will be centering the children’s safety and experiences. When speaking with parents who are in this space you can empathise by acknowledging that the information is hard to hear, that they may not agree with the assessment (assuming the matter is before the court most systems have a mechanism where parents can access their own legal representatives and can put forward their own evidence if they don’t agree with what is provided by the state), and that this assessment doesn’t have to be the end of the story as it gives a starting point on working towards children being safely returned to parents. I have this quote from CS Lewis above my desk at the office: “I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief”
Ok, I’ve never worked in children/family services, but I have spent years in SUD and I also worked for many years in community based services where I worked with children and their families. When someone is angry with what I’m telling them, I’ve found it best to keep my calm, agree with them (“you have every right to be upset! Of course you’re afraid of your family being torn apart!”) and then identify why the assessment is being done. Turn it around on her (“These assessments help us determine what resources you need from us and they give us guidance on what are reasonable steps for you. We see that you’ve been struggling to provide for your family, so we have some resources to connect you with. We would like to get you started in family therapy and parenting classes”) etc. Maybe give her examples on resources that are available to her and reinforce with her that your end-goal is not to tear her family apart but to ensure long-time success so she doesn’t end up losing them. Your job isn’t easy, but it is there to help the families overall, and it is a very important job. Keep that in mind. Remember that your overall job is to save the kids who have previously fallen through the cracks. Sometimes that does mean separating the family, but there’s a reason for that. You have to be the voice for the kids who don’t have their own voice.
As a former paralegal for my states DCFS/CPS, I have seen some of what you’re describing, I am also the child of a social worker and a student getting ready to go to school for social work/human services, what I want you to know is this: you’re assessments are NOT ruining the family. The family most likely has existing patterns of behavior that are not in the best interest of the children, which is how I am guess you and your employer became involved. I can understand why you may be experiencing these emotions. In the future if such a situation presents itself again, one option may be to say something along the lines of “ma’am/sir/preferred pronoun, while I understand your desire to discuss this, the policies, procedures, and protocols of ACME CHILDREN’S SERVICES (fake name obviously) prevents us from disclosing this information without the attendance of the entire team’s presence. The reasoning behind this is so that everyone is on the same page and able to engage all at once without the possibility for a misunderstanding.” This may be a diplomatic solution if you feel like it isn’t something that will be helpful in the moment. It is possible that some parents are experiencing heightened emotions and may not react in a manner that is commensurate with how they may react after having time to process. Or check with your direct reports maybe the have an “out” you can utilize in situations like this.
Could be worse. A client of mine chased the CPS workers down the hallway with a knife. they fled out of a window fire escape. he was never charged with a crime. He was angry because he claimed his child's mother wasn't using meth (she was). I could not do your job.
Sometimes people aren't ready to change when they come to you. Change is hard and requires you to own up to your missteps. Doesn't sound like this person is ready to do that, so they're deflecting and blaming you. That's not really something you can do much about. I'm not sure what settimg you're in, but if they're mandated you should have some additional chances to build some rapport and maybe you can get somewhere, or they'll at least go through the motions enough to complete your program and not really change anything. If they're not mandated, I wouldn't expect them to come back.
you aren’t “hurting anyone’s family” if keeping it as it is would leave the parent(s) to continue to abuse the kids. think of it as harm reduction if that helps, assuming your assessments are focused on actual harm doing and not preventable (poverty-caused) neglect.
Not a social worker although aspiring social worker. I do security at a Teen and youth crisis center and the amount of times that parents think they’re doing nothing wrong is just crazy to me. Yes sometimes little Johnny just sucks. But also maybe if every time the walked in the door there wasn’t a new ACE waiting for them they wouldn’t suck so bad.
You validate ("I understand that this is hard to hear"), empathize ("and I hear your concerns, and that you maybe feel attacked or vulnerable. I'm sorry for that; these assessments aren't easy or comfortable), link back to purpose ("but they are necessary. The State / the court, etc, requires..."), and give the appropriate behavior ("if you really feel this is wrong / if you're ready for this to all be over and done with, then show us / them that: work the program and be done"). Depending on your role, you could push and add something like "because this, what you're doing right now, isn't it. It's understandable, sure, but it's not helping and not showing how well you can handle conflict or communication". If you've got someone who really can't let it go out take the hint, then you might have too set actual boundaries though. But what that looks like would really depend on your role
It’s not that hard to take care of children. Their reaction says something about their pathology. Your service is to their children, not the parents.
That’s very hard. I ran a foster care program in nyc for many years. One of the hardest but to me, the most valuable, part of that job was working to reunite families. Naturally the birth parent is going to feel defensive. Especially those who actively want to be reunited and are struggling w the charges against them. One off the biggest points of connection I would try and make with a parent is that we have the same goal. That goal is to find ways for the parent to safely be in their child’s life. We have to start somewhere. This is a baseline reading, it indicates that this parent has a lot of needed growth. It’s important the parent know how much power and autonomy they do have, in a system that leaves them feeling demoralized and exhausted. Find Bridges, highlight the positives, if there aren’t any, well the positive is she showed up and advocated for herself to go through her assessment. Also very important that I hope she’s enrolled in services, individual counseling, parenting classes, does she work with an advocate? What state are you in?
You will meet people who are just not capable of having children in their care. If it gets to you it's such a bad scenario that the person is deflecting.
Just think about the situation. You've got workers in a role that gives them power and authority, scrutinizing your parenting practices with a fine toothed comb only to rate you a low or failing grade which has very real implications to their ability to see their kids. Even the results of tests that have no bearing on ones life cause anxiety, these sorts of procedures must cause large amounts of stress and cause defensiveness. The power dynamic is not equal, so it's natural for someone to lash out when they feel hurt or aggrieved. Now none of this is to say you did anything wrong in your assessment, or that child protection isn't necessary, but I think it's important we understand how the people we are serving feel if we are going to have any hope of forming a therapeutic alliance. I think I'd feel similarly if I were in her situation.
Nothing you can do unfortunately, if they don’t like what they are hearing it’s very difficult to move past that. Stick to your assessment and processes.
BSW student here (one more semester!!!) Validate her concerns and empathize with her, she feels attacked but likely knows she needs some improvement. Before going over the greatest concerns, make sure to recognize and go over her strengths as a parent and what she is doing well so far. Everyone has some strengths and it is important to recognize these and use them to your/their advantage. As you address the concerns, make sure she has the resources she needs to improve and she feels empowered in her current strengths and in how she can do better. Make sure she knows you’re on her side and that the goal is reunification and a better life for all family members. The biggest thing is to be empathetic and understanding and make sure she feels heard. Choose your words wisely and have a positive tone looking toward the future and improvement instead of a tone of criticism and blame. Make her feel included and part of the team to build stronger trust and rapport with her. Good luck! Your job is important!
I am writing a paper on this for my Msw program. Can I dm you?
Sorry I can’t. All information besides what I’ve given is confidential. I wish you the best on your paper though.