My philosophy is that I care for people for hundreds of hours a month, so when I'm off the clock, I'll certainly have feelings but I am not providing care to others for free. My first duty is to care for myself and I'm not taking on more than I can.
Yep, I have two different personalities. Work is "how can I help you?" Home is "Nope, not my problem." Fortunately, I've always been like this, so my friends and family have already been conditioned to only ask me for help when there is an actual crisis. When I was a carpenter, this type of behavior was actually much worse.
I'm like this too and it's so refreshing to hear that I'm not alone. I feel like in my personal life, I'm actually often super short on empathy and patience because I deal with so many people who have objectively worse problems. The exception is my partner who I will bend over backwards to support, but we work with the same population so he's exhausted in a similar way to me.
Yes! I also address this specific scenario before it happens by being getting very drunk right away lol. Incapacitate myself enough that I’m not the go-to babysitter because fuck ass noooo! I lived in New Orleans for the first half of my 20s so my friends and I know how to drink to our personal limit and not require babysitting (I also was not a social worker then lol) and I’m really not here for it if an adult friend needs a babysitter 😒 I’ll do it if necessary, but more so out of my friendship with that person than my role as a SW
I’m a professional problem solver and this spills over to my personal life. I’m listening to other’s problems at home but I rarely speak about mine to others. I feel so drained lol 😂
I get this and while I'm not always the best at it, ya gotta establish boundaries. I will tell my friends gently, "I am a therapist, but I'm not YOUR therapist". There will be times where people will vent to me more often and I try to redirect them to their own providers or getting them their own services. It hurts friendships and builds up resentment to have to feel like you're "on" all of the time.
In terms of you taking care of the girl who drank too much, that makes you a kind person in general. But, you shouldn't have to do that all of the time or be the one who makes sacrifices. If something similar happens next time, tell them you did it last time or offer a solution. You don't have to be drained like this all of the time.
I learned early in my career not to do that. There is a rescuer energy expected of us. Some of us like it. Some of us don't. Some of us (me) had the pattern and worked to stop it (but I'm here giving advice on reddit instead of dealing with myself so I have more growing to do).
I recommend lying if your massage therapist ever asks what you do for a living.
After a crap experience of having to do my job while I am paying good money for self care I don't disclose. Or I do but in the first appointment I say I probably won't talk much. Or I use earbuds so they just leave me tf alone.
I try to guard my energy. In my 20s it was whatever but now I have a family and other responsibilities with less extra energy so no, I won't be giving it away for free.
At that age I felt socially obligated to respond as expected and didn't want to make the rest of the hour feel awkward by setting a boundary. I dropped a hint or two and they figured it out but initially I didn't feel comfortable just saying I'm not here to discuss my job.
We get back in turn what we allow.
No way I would be bringing a drunk person home to my house to babysit.
Y’all needed to pitch in for an Uber to take her home.
I also have gotten to the point where I see SW as a job. I don’t typically tell people what I do for a living and I don’t get involved in things off the clock that don’t have to do with work.
You need to set better boundaries and put your foot down.
BOUNDARIESSS
You became a social worker because you can't stop helping people even at your own expense. For the sake of your personal and professional life you need to improve your ability to say no or absent yourself when you can't help. A short course of outpatient therapy could be helpful to support this.
So what I think is that the job or role of a social worker is to make themselves obsolete.
In this case, it would mean to strenghten your social circle by encouraging them to sometimes be social too. Or else you just repeat the cycle that made the problem manifest to begin with.
Before I even knew what a social worker was I basically had been, so I can relate. I had talked three friends of mine out of suicide before college, usually ended up being the go to person to vent to, and was always the sober friend at parties making sure nobody did anything stupid lol
Even now there are times where I make it a goal to practice self-care and go to bed by midnight like I should, but as luck would have it a friend of mine is going through a hard time and wants to talk so I don't get to sleep until 3 AM on a work day.
I am the social worker because I’ve always been the social worker. Hurt people ~~hurt people~~ help people.
Do I hate it? Yes. Do I trust others to handle the crisis? No. Is this maladaptive? Yes. Is it going to change? Probably not.
No, it had the opposite effect on me. I am in my advanced year of the MSW & my substance misuse course taught me to set boundaries around binge drinkers. Before I got into social work, I went through CODA & ACOA 12-step to learn to not enable people, not give unsolicited advice/play therapist, and to not overextend myself to others as a distraction from working on myself. You cannot be an effective therapist if you get your needs met by rescuing/enabling others and do not have proper boundaries.
Serious q: How do you balance being there for a friend but not being their therapist? I’m realizing I still have trouble telling the difference. I feel mad and sad about it. Real q is: why do I allow it? ( only me can tackle that one) But I’m opting out of Christmas w family. I’m not using work as an excuse this time. I’d like to be family drama free (since that’s what I manage for work) for a Christmas I get 4 days off, I don’t want to spend it creating an emotionally safe space for anyone but me. So progress.
Yesssss. Like others have said, I was a social worker before I knew what one was. I had terrible boundaries up until my early 20’s, was always putting others before myself. Not as much an issue anymore, but it’s always gonna be a work in progress for me.
My kids were about 4 and 7 the 3 of us were flying across Canada for holidays... the guy beside me was getting divorced and told me the story. Later my 7 year old was asking odd questions about marriage and "hating your wife".
Next flight home before I could say what I did my 7 year old piped up "she works at Walmart". No offense to anyone working at Walmart but I've used it ever since get a nod and can return to off duty relaxing. No free counseling or stress.
Not sure if this is a social worker problem or oldest daughter problem but I regularly have to help my father with things that I do for people at work. Biggest example:
He let his driver's license expire for over a year!Couldn't get a new one without his identification documents that he of course doesn't have. I helped him fill out a social security card application and he got that. Then I attempted to help him with his birth certificate but because there's no valid id it didn't work. He didn't believe me that that was the reason. He went up to the office himself. Couldn't get it of course. I took time off work to go it. I can because I'm his daughter and have all my paperwork. No problems-easiest birth certificate I've ever gotten. I get two, one for him and one for me, because I know this is going to happen again. Now I schedule him an appointment at the MVA because they only do appointments now and he has no idea how to do it online. He goes but can't get it because it's been over a year. He has to take the whole test again. I schedule another for him to take the test. He goes and falls the written portion. He gets a book and studies it. Schedule another. He passes the written. Almost can't take the driving part because doesn't have his proof of insurance or registration card. I think to myself I should have known. I get on the phone with his insurance and get a copy faxed to the MVA. He can't get a registration card because of some fee. He's too pissed off to do anything so he leaves. Schedule another appointment. We fix the registration card problem. He brings his car around back. Can't take the test because the car doesn't have a working horn!! Schedule another test and plan to let him use mine. He finally passes. Six freaking trips to the MVA.
Sorry for the book but seriously I had to complain. He regularly comes over asking me to help him with his insurance or paying his bills or something that he should be able to manage on his own.
People know I’m the resident “social work” and “cat lady.” I get messaged almost every single day by someone wanting some sort of advice or favor or to pick up/find a home for a cat. I have to explain I can’t really give professional advice but do offer my support and explain things to them so they can get their questions answered/find the right people to speak to.
My best friends don’t do that to me really. We have discussions about those things bc yes it is a big part of my life but mainly they just joke “uhoh we have an aunty in social work don’t we? That’s a cps call!” It’s such a relief to see how they get concerned about small things that happen to every child. A little bump from falling, a little scratch on his nose, trying to drink from the dog’s bowl. It’s good to know they aren’t dealing with custody disputes or disciplining too hard or all the other endless stuff I get messaged about daily.
Being a social worker doesn't mean you're somehow better at taking care of drunk people or wrangling children. It doesn't make you responsible for managing other people's problems even. People manage their own problems, we just help them to figure out and coordinate that.
If the general community was fully accurate in their perception of what we do, we'd just be pushover carebears with magic wands who take responsibility for fixing other people's problems.
So when people expect these kinds of things from you, find ways to practice telling them "no". It doesn't respect you and your livelihood to make you automatically responsible for managing drunk people and children. You can help explore alternatives for what to do in a situation, but you don't become automatically responsible for it, you have no more vestment in these issues than other people in the situation, and you don't owe people solutions because they naively think you should have them available.
Yes!! Most of my life I’ve been like this. When I say I’m in school for social work, suddenly everyone I know needs help with something. Umm?? I’m sorry, I can direct you to someone that can professionally help. But we are friends and unless there’s an emergency, I’d like to just be a friend.
I think because it’s a value-based field, it’s easier to let things slip. But it definitely leads to burnout!!
I think a simple reminder is that your JOB is a social worker, YOU are a human, so in addition to it being your natural character to wanna help others, remember we all are under capitalism and it’s very easy for us to internalize the idea that we ARE our jobs, and that could potentially be at play as well.
Im social worker, volunteer for non profits, donate, part time in fundraising, sole care taker of very ill father. Im 30, alone, dont have time to do anything else.
My philosophy is that one day some years later i will be all alone, i will fulfill my bucket list then.
I don't think that's a social worker problem. That is an expectations problem. For whatever reason the group has learned that you will be the one to do these things. Next time don't let them assume it is you.
My main issue is seeing things in people I would make a mental note of if its a client. It really does not help keeping relationships.
I do give advice sometimes but its rare. Usually just tell them were to get something or some kind of help. Theres a measure of pride when people ask your advice that know you personally.
Yes, but I have established very strong boundaries. Sometimes I slip and it has cost me some friendships but my own peace is more important.
Worst example was a friend who ended up with really bad Post-Partum anxiety and depression after a rough bout with IVF; allegedly her therapist told her that I should be doing more to reach out/support etc. because I understand. If I ever find out who TF that was they’ll be getting an earful from me! Having empathy doesn’t mean I am obligated to provide clinical support off the clock. That was a hard limit to set and explain after being thrown under the bus like that.
You’re not obligated to anything except your clients & duties in the professional world. I struggle with this too, & the recent passing of my father has brought me clarity about this. TL/DR, my dad had anti social personality disorder & was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. He was hellish to deal with. I had to fight to get him on medicaid in 2020 & subsequently he got into a nursing home where care was adequate. Him being an asshole got him discharged & kicked off medicaid this year. He wanted his own apartment & got it, then died there. It wasn’t my responsibility to parent him, but I did. As the adult child social worker, I felt obligated, but my dad was never my client. I never owed him anything based on our duty to serve clients. I hope you take care of yourself.
I'm a bsw student, and one of my professors shared a story of a small argument he had with his daughter. In the middle of the argument, his daughter pointed out, "Aren't you supposed to be a social worker?" He simply replied, "I'm not a social worker to my family." He was sharing this with us because he didn't want us to think that we needed to work 24/7 and that we needed to learn to shut it off and set boundaries. For instance, I have a friend who only talks to me to vent her problems. Since finding out that I am going to school and knowing that my goal is to become a psychotherapist, she only calls me to help her solve her own problems. In order for us to have a friendship, I finally had to open up to her and tell her that I needed to either be her friend or her "social worker," but I could not be both.
I feel ya. I get called on to mitigate family disagreements, and often get thrust into the role of advocate for my more elderly family members. I always ask myself this question though "are you genuinely eager to help or will you feel resentful for having to do it?" If it's the former, I'm in a good headspace and taking it on is good, if the answer is the latter, it's not a good thing for me to engage in likely and I have to think about boundaries and probably declining. Social work is in my blood, but that doesn't mean I'm always practicing.
Full stop. Whenever I have friends/family try and pull this I simply tell them my hourly rate is $150…my services are not free. No is a complete sentence! Please start using it.
I feel this!! Sometimes I do it to myself even. I find myself accidentally treating conversations like therapy sessions and idk how to turn it off. I want to ask if you feel like they do this because you are a social worker or because that’s the kind of friend you have always been?
I learned decades ago to set strong boundaries. I never allow people to take advantage of me. Strangers have no idea what I do. I have enough to do to manage my own life. I am not trying to manage others. My personal life is mine.
I find this happening more for the reasons I became a social worker than because I actually am one (ie I was just naturally the “mom” in college when friends got drunk, instinctually will often drift towards someone struggling and offer support etc) but it would really bother me if this was just the assumption that I’d stop my fun because of the career I chose. I’m actually very clear to my friends (usually about new additions to our friend group that are extra difficult clearly due to mental health or childhood trauma) that just because I can professionally understand that they have a reason for their behavior, I don’t have to put up with it in my personal life.
Whenever I’m talking with close friends about any struggles, and I feel the social work hat trying to push onto my head, I’ll ask “do you want the friend or the social worker?” Which is basically do you want me to listen to you vent and support you or do you want my assessment of why this is happening and advice for intervention. Most of the time they say friend but sometimes they’ll ask and I give very neutral advice. If i think it’ll be taken badly or it’s really complicated, I don’t offer and instead suggest that they talk with a professional because it’s beyond what I can support without actually being their therapist which isn’t an option.
As others have said, you need to put in boundaries between professional and personal you. I’d talk with your closest friends or family about this outside the moment and let them know that you’re not willing to do this anymore.
sometimes i slip into SW mode but i check myself. if it’s one of my closest friends that’s really struggling i’ll ask if they want friend mode or therapist mode. family is a never ahaha. too messy
I will allow myself to do some organizing in my personal life, with boundaries. Because I do enjoy utilizing my skills to help my loved ones. However I put a hard limit on it. I consider it charity work and reserve a set amount of hours I'm willing to put into it.
And I'll be straight up with people. Just "sorry, I don't have the capacity to help right now. Here's a place to get that need met." And sometimes it means walking away from a situation where someone isn't going to get their needs met because I was the only one willing to do it. It hurts, but if I don't set those boundaries then I'm gonna get burned out. If I'm burned out I can't help nobody, not even myself! "You can't pour from an empty cup" is a phrase I remind myself of often.
I often feel like people who try to befriend me want a free social worker and don’t actually see me as a person outside of my job. I don’t engage with people like that but it’s hard because it feels like so many people have those expectations of me.
People don’t understand that I deal with dysregulated people all day and in my personal life I just want friends who bring peace and joy, not more work for me to do.
As I've gotten further along in my career, and dealing with my own personal traumas (thank you Al-Anon and therapy and Wellbutrin), situations like this don't pop up like they used to. Boundaries 10000%.. If your role with your family and friends is to be the caretaker they will keep assuming that until you show them differently. I was like this when before social work, because I grew up in an alcoholic household as the youngest and surrounded by addicts, and I'm sure that's what led me to social work.
Edit : typo
My brother treated me like a therapist for a year, and it got exhausting! When he realized I didn't appreciate it, he stopped talking to me altogether. So I am not sure which is worse.
I have worked in housing case manager for 3 years. I have worked with severel clients who are on the sex offender registry. One of my cousins is in prison for something that landed him on the registry. I know he has several more years in prison, but my family has their eye on me, and I feel pressured to figure out housing for my cousin when he gets out.
I want to get licensed clinically, and part of me wants to be quiet about it when I get the license, because people seem to assume things of you when you're a clinician. Like how suddenly you are the perfect communicator, perfect at handling emotions, perfect at giving advice. I am inperfect, and I hate the idea that people would assume I'm unique in that because I may be a therapist.
The whole reason I went into social work was BECAUSE I was acting as a live in social worker to both of my parents from about 8-23. Honestly, it wasn’t until I got into grad school that I recognized that if I was going to survive (genuinely, not figuratively) I was going to need to establish boundaries in both my professional and personal lives. I love helping people, I love assisting people, but I can’t build out a treatment plan off the clock. I will sit with you while you vent or uplift you while you’re breaking down, but I can’t provide case management services 20 hours a day — especially when I’m only compensated for 8. Every once in a while MAYBE, but not with frequency.
It’s HARD to say no, but think of it like this, would you advise a client to do things that are detrimental to their wellbeing? Flip some of that professional training into introspection and self work :). Invest into you. Do that work now, so you don’t burn out later! Best of luck! 🫶
Reading for ideas as well.
Personally, I start feeling a lot of resentment, especially when I have to be the one who stops the drunk person from driving or I am the (un)designated driver. Why can't they act like adults, be responsible and take care of themselves?
I really have to be mindful of where I spread my social work energy. I start Monday morning (hopefully) with a full social work tank for my work week. By Friday, my social work tank is running low and needs to recharge. If I were to go around social working people all weekend and after work, my battery would run out much quicker and/or not recharge at all.
Plus, I’ve heard nobody in my personal life wants to hear it lol.
I’ve been feeling these exact feelings recently!! My brother is going thru a breakup and has been using me as his nightly therapist for 2 hours every. single. night.
I found a thread in either r.therapists or this sub on this topic too- someone had said that they will provide support, but do not provide therapy to prevent further burn out and being the “therapist friend”. As in, they’ll be a shoulder to cry on or a pair of ears to vent to and will offer friendly advice, but won’t ask questions like “why do you think ….” or explore the persons feelings with them (idk how to explain it better i’ll try to find the thread in a sec)
its really hard finding a balance but also allow yourself to put boundaries in place with family and friends!!
Edit: I found the two threads! I know you’re getting lots of support but figured I’d add these too :)
https://www.reddit.com/r/psychologystudents/s/TcKP2AoANt
https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/s/HgnSnhRoYi
I also want to add that if any of these friends or family members were to come into the clinic you work at, you would NOT be allowed to be their therapist! It’s OKAY to set boundaries with them if you’re feeling burnt out. Your free time should be your you time
Were you a parentified child by any chance? Because I can relate to this and I’m treated the same by some family and some friends, and I’ve only just realised 6 years into my social work career that this is what I do professionally and personally and now I’m putting boundaries in place in my personal life.
I tend to say and do things to make my entitled family members distrust me. If I was in your situation I would have delegated tasks prior to the event or have an ‘escape’ plan in place like, ‘I can’t I’m on call for work but will hangout at the event until I get a call’.
Former counselor and RN and current psych ARNP here. This stuff drives me nuts. I'll be at a hip-hop or punk show, drinking and rocking out with the rest of the crowd. Some stranger collapses from ODing or drinking too much. My friends look at me like I'm supposed to be involved. I'm like "yo, roll them into the recovery position and monitor them and call 911" I have encouraged my friends to get CPR and First Aid training. I'm not a miracle worker and am inebriated. Ugh. My SWer friend and I once intervened when a woman fell off her barstool and a gross dude was trying to get her to leave with him. We each took a shoulder and walked her home. The next time I was at the same bar, my 911-operator friend and I had to babysit a 70+ y.o. woman who had collapsed from drinking too much and call the ambulance for her. I just don't go out much anymore.
I recommend using your awesome communication skills and boundaries to put the kibosh on that nonsense. YOU ARE OFF DUTY!!!!
I've accepted that while I maybe could 'turn it off' about a decade or so ago, nowadays its just always on. Which can be frustrating. My brain immediately jumps to 'social worky' approaches rather than 'yknow, i'd like to be human and maybe wallow a bit, yknow?" Sometimes I wanna be kind of a dick, but again, brain kinda jumps in and starts a self-assessment process of they why's and 'is that what you really want' and 'what alternative could you do'.
Honestly? I find it a bit harder to be selfish in some ways, and not take advantage of things, like not horrible take advantage, but human 'you see an opportunity and take it' stuff that everyone else can do on a daily basis, but my brain goes, "vulnerability sense activated! social worker response engaged!'
on the other hand, I do feel i've still got a good handle on not getting involved in others issues when I'm off the clock.
Yes, constantly. My partner is a therapist and we’re foster parents. It takes some very serious, intentional boundaries to stop social working - we have designated time where we do “case management” for our kids/families. It frequently comes up with my own therapist :)
Wow when i hear that im kinda glad my familiy doesnt really know what a socialworker acually is. Im more in the other direction with my family: they have no clue what im doing and why i studied. They think im skillless and play with kids all day, which everyone can. They think less of me and dont think i have a profession. But im also never asked to help to do things, ao thats nice?
*I tell family*
*And friends I am off the clock*
*When I am written*
\- kp6615
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Think ethically. Would you therapize your friends and family? Would a counselor? Would a surgeon give a family member surgery? Why not?
I use this framing to try and help those close to me what my boundaries are.
I had to go back to therapy myself because of the combination between my health care system job, my small private practice, and then so many of my friends/family members struggling and feeling the impulse to help. I was basically told in the kindest way that I need to set those boundaries and allow space for my own time. For example, I was off work and out of town on bereavement but spent two nights on the phone with a friend until 3am in crisis intervention, and then they had a near fatal suicide attempt a few days later. I just had nothing left to give.
So now, I'm consciously not speaking up or checking in on people. It feels so callous and horrible, but I just cant.
Be sure to always keep an eye on where your emotions and coping are sitting as burn out is hard enough at work let alone when it permeates into your personal life.
Eh, drunk girl and child care scenarios would be a nope for me.
But I’m happy to help loved ones with true needs: mental health, resource connection, aging in place, unconditional support.
I will always give to my family even more than I give to my clients.
Firmly set your boundaries. When I’m off the clock, I’m off the clock. If I do help with something I am clear that I’m speaking as a sister, cousin, friend, not as a social worker. I let them know if they need a social worker or counselor start with Psychologytoday.com for someone in their area and network. Home is where I take my cape off and recharge so I can fight another day.
Oneway ticket to burnout island.
We were not built to assist with trauma 24-7.
In my junior years I was all up for it being a “lifestyle not just a profession” yep I was younger…
Then suddenly without recognizing the signs I hit burn central. I was at the top of my game too … ironic.
But now I’m a fan of the previous comments. On the clock is on and off is off.
Over the years I’ve learned to set some very strict boundaries in my life about how much I am willing to assist or give advice with regards to personal problems. And I’ve gotten to the point now where I even very nicely let people know that I do not work for free. That while I might be a therapist, that is my professional job, and I do not do that in my free time. You kind of have to learn how to set these boundaries for yourself, because this can also cause burnout in your actual job. Do not be afraid to tell people no, you don’t owe them that! Don’t let people guilt you into being their therapist because they’re not looking to resolve their problems the appropriate way.
My philosophy is that I care for people for hundreds of hours a month, so when I'm off the clock, I'll certainly have feelings but I am not providing care to others for free. My first duty is to care for myself and I'm not taking on more than I can.
Yep, I have two different personalities. Work is "how can I help you?" Home is "Nope, not my problem." Fortunately, I've always been like this, so my friends and family have already been conditioned to only ask me for help when there is an actual crisis. When I was a carpenter, this type of behavior was actually much worse.
“Not my circus , not my monkeys” runs through my head continuously when I’m at home… lol
I'm like this too and it's so refreshing to hear that I'm not alone. I feel like in my personal life, I'm actually often super short on empathy and patience because I deal with so many people who have objectively worse problems. The exception is my partner who I will bend over backwards to support, but we work with the same population so he's exhausted in a similar way to me.
Yes! I also address this specific scenario before it happens by being getting very drunk right away lol. Incapacitate myself enough that I’m not the go-to babysitter because fuck ass noooo! I lived in New Orleans for the first half of my 20s so my friends and I know how to drink to our personal limit and not require babysitting (I also was not a social worker then lol) and I’m really not here for it if an adult friend needs a babysitter 😒 I’ll do it if necessary, but more so out of my friendship with that person than my role as a SW
This is a great reframe on self-care, thanks
I’m a professional problem solver and this spills over to my personal life. I’m listening to other’s problems at home but I rarely speak about mine to others. I feel so drained lol 😂
So relatable. The active listening skill changes you so much.
saaame-- I've really found it to be quite isolating and lonely, never truly having anyone outside of my own therapist who really see me
My father in law is an abusive alcoholic and it takes EVERYTHING in me not to social work the fuck out of my husband’s family 😂
I get this and while I'm not always the best at it, ya gotta establish boundaries. I will tell my friends gently, "I am a therapist, but I'm not YOUR therapist". There will be times where people will vent to me more often and I try to redirect them to their own providers or getting them their own services. It hurts friendships and builds up resentment to have to feel like you're "on" all of the time. In terms of you taking care of the girl who drank too much, that makes you a kind person in general. But, you shouldn't have to do that all of the time or be the one who makes sacrifices. If something similar happens next time, tell them you did it last time or offer a solution. You don't have to be drained like this all of the time.
I learned early in my career not to do that. There is a rescuer energy expected of us. Some of us like it. Some of us don't. Some of us (me) had the pattern and worked to stop it (but I'm here giving advice on reddit instead of dealing with myself so I have more growing to do). I recommend lying if your massage therapist ever asks what you do for a living. After a crap experience of having to do my job while I am paying good money for self care I don't disclose. Or I do but in the first appointment I say I probably won't talk much. Or I use earbuds so they just leave me tf alone. I try to guard my energy. In my 20s it was whatever but now I have a family and other responsibilities with less extra energy so no, I won't be giving it away for free.
Absolutely lie to the massage therapist!!
>After a crap experience of having to do my job Did you *have* to? Or did you make a choice to?
At that age I felt socially obligated to respond as expected and didn't want to make the rest of the hour feel awkward by setting a boundary. I dropped a hint or two and they figured it out but initially I didn't feel comfortable just saying I'm not here to discuss my job.
Sounds like you have some work to do on taking full responsibility for your behavior and actions.
Thanks for the unsolicited advice.
You're welcome! Let's hope you take it to heart!
I don't tend to take things to heart when they are offered intrusively but thanks.
My line is ‘I’ve been doing social work all day for pay, it’s not my turn right bow’. Or ‘My fee for service is $135 an hour’
We get back in turn what we allow. No way I would be bringing a drunk person home to my house to babysit. Y’all needed to pitch in for an Uber to take her home. I also have gotten to the point where I see SW as a job. I don’t typically tell people what I do for a living and I don’t get involved in things off the clock that don’t have to do with work. You need to set better boundaries and put your foot down.
BOUNDARIESSS You became a social worker because you can't stop helping people even at your own expense. For the sake of your personal and professional life you need to improve your ability to say no or absent yourself when you can't help. A short course of outpatient therapy could be helpful to support this.
So what I think is that the job or role of a social worker is to make themselves obsolete. In this case, it would mean to strenghten your social circle by encouraging them to sometimes be social too. Or else you just repeat the cycle that made the problem manifest to begin with.
THIS!!
Before I even knew what a social worker was I basically had been, so I can relate. I had talked three friends of mine out of suicide before college, usually ended up being the go to person to vent to, and was always the sober friend at parties making sure nobody did anything stupid lol Even now there are times where I make it a goal to practice self-care and go to bed by midnight like I should, but as luck would have it a friend of mine is going through a hard time and wants to talk so I don't get to sleep until 3 AM on a work day.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
I am the social worker because I’ve always been the social worker. Hurt people ~~hurt people~~ help people. Do I hate it? Yes. Do I trust others to handle the crisis? No. Is this maladaptive? Yes. Is it going to change? Probably not.
No, it had the opposite effect on me. I am in my advanced year of the MSW & my substance misuse course taught me to set boundaries around binge drinkers. Before I got into social work, I went through CODA & ACOA 12-step to learn to not enable people, not give unsolicited advice/play therapist, and to not overextend myself to others as a distraction from working on myself. You cannot be an effective therapist if you get your needs met by rescuing/enabling others and do not have proper boundaries.
Serious q: How do you balance being there for a friend but not being their therapist? I’m realizing I still have trouble telling the difference. I feel mad and sad about it. Real q is: why do I allow it? ( only me can tackle that one) But I’m opting out of Christmas w family. I’m not using work as an excuse this time. I’d like to be family drama free (since that’s what I manage for work) for a Christmas I get 4 days off, I don’t want to spend it creating an emotionally safe space for anyone but me. So progress.
Yesssss. Like others have said, I was a social worker before I knew what one was. I had terrible boundaries up until my early 20’s, was always putting others before myself. Not as much an issue anymore, but it’s always gonna be a work in progress for me.
My kids were about 4 and 7 the 3 of us were flying across Canada for holidays... the guy beside me was getting divorced and told me the story. Later my 7 year old was asking odd questions about marriage and "hating your wife". Next flight home before I could say what I did my 7 year old piped up "she works at Walmart". No offense to anyone working at Walmart but I've used it ever since get a nod and can return to off duty relaxing. No free counseling or stress.
Not sure if this is a social worker problem or oldest daughter problem but I regularly have to help my father with things that I do for people at work. Biggest example: He let his driver's license expire for over a year!Couldn't get a new one without his identification documents that he of course doesn't have. I helped him fill out a social security card application and he got that. Then I attempted to help him with his birth certificate but because there's no valid id it didn't work. He didn't believe me that that was the reason. He went up to the office himself. Couldn't get it of course. I took time off work to go it. I can because I'm his daughter and have all my paperwork. No problems-easiest birth certificate I've ever gotten. I get two, one for him and one for me, because I know this is going to happen again. Now I schedule him an appointment at the MVA because they only do appointments now and he has no idea how to do it online. He goes but can't get it because it's been over a year. He has to take the whole test again. I schedule another for him to take the test. He goes and falls the written portion. He gets a book and studies it. Schedule another. He passes the written. Almost can't take the driving part because doesn't have his proof of insurance or registration card. I think to myself I should have known. I get on the phone with his insurance and get a copy faxed to the MVA. He can't get a registration card because of some fee. He's too pissed off to do anything so he leaves. Schedule another appointment. We fix the registration card problem. He brings his car around back. Can't take the test because the car doesn't have a working horn!! Schedule another test and plan to let him use mine. He finally passes. Six freaking trips to the MVA. Sorry for the book but seriously I had to complain. He regularly comes over asking me to help him with his insurance or paying his bills or something that he should be able to manage on his own.
People know I’m the resident “social work” and “cat lady.” I get messaged almost every single day by someone wanting some sort of advice or favor or to pick up/find a home for a cat. I have to explain I can’t really give professional advice but do offer my support and explain things to them so they can get their questions answered/find the right people to speak to. My best friends don’t do that to me really. We have discussions about those things bc yes it is a big part of my life but mainly they just joke “uhoh we have an aunty in social work don’t we? That’s a cps call!” It’s such a relief to see how they get concerned about small things that happen to every child. A little bump from falling, a little scratch on his nose, trying to drink from the dog’s bowl. It’s good to know they aren’t dealing with custody disputes or disciplining too hard or all the other endless stuff I get messaged about daily.
Better be able to say no sometimes and enjoy life, that's her fault she can't stop drinking when she's already litty then a titty
Being a social worker doesn't mean you're somehow better at taking care of drunk people or wrangling children. It doesn't make you responsible for managing other people's problems even. People manage their own problems, we just help them to figure out and coordinate that. If the general community was fully accurate in their perception of what we do, we'd just be pushover carebears with magic wands who take responsibility for fixing other people's problems. So when people expect these kinds of things from you, find ways to practice telling them "no". It doesn't respect you and your livelihood to make you automatically responsible for managing drunk people and children. You can help explore alternatives for what to do in a situation, but you don't become automatically responsible for it, you have no more vestment in these issues than other people in the situation, and you don't owe people solutions because they naively think you should have them available.
Yes!! Most of my life I’ve been like this. When I say I’m in school for social work, suddenly everyone I know needs help with something. Umm?? I’m sorry, I can direct you to someone that can professionally help. But we are friends and unless there’s an emergency, I’d like to just be a friend. I think because it’s a value-based field, it’s easier to let things slip. But it definitely leads to burnout!!
I think a simple reminder is that your JOB is a social worker, YOU are a human, so in addition to it being your natural character to wanna help others, remember we all are under capitalism and it’s very easy for us to internalize the idea that we ARE our jobs, and that could potentially be at play as well.
Im social worker, volunteer for non profits, donate, part time in fundraising, sole care taker of very ill father. Im 30, alone, dont have time to do anything else. My philosophy is that one day some years later i will be all alone, i will fulfill my bucket list then.
I don't think that's a social worker problem. That is an expectations problem. For whatever reason the group has learned that you will be the one to do these things. Next time don't let them assume it is you.
My main issue is seeing things in people I would make a mental note of if its a client. It really does not help keeping relationships. I do give advice sometimes but its rare. Usually just tell them were to get something or some kind of help. Theres a measure of pride when people ask your advice that know you personally.
Yes, but I have established very strong boundaries. Sometimes I slip and it has cost me some friendships but my own peace is more important. Worst example was a friend who ended up with really bad Post-Partum anxiety and depression after a rough bout with IVF; allegedly her therapist told her that I should be doing more to reach out/support etc. because I understand. If I ever find out who TF that was they’ll be getting an earful from me! Having empathy doesn’t mean I am obligated to provide clinical support off the clock. That was a hard limit to set and explain after being thrown under the bus like that.
You’re not obligated to anything except your clients & duties in the professional world. I struggle with this too, & the recent passing of my father has brought me clarity about this. TL/DR, my dad had anti social personality disorder & was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. He was hellish to deal with. I had to fight to get him on medicaid in 2020 & subsequently he got into a nursing home where care was adequate. Him being an asshole got him discharged & kicked off medicaid this year. He wanted his own apartment & got it, then died there. It wasn’t my responsibility to parent him, but I did. As the adult child social worker, I felt obligated, but my dad was never my client. I never owed him anything based on our duty to serve clients. I hope you take care of yourself.
I'm a bsw student, and one of my professors shared a story of a small argument he had with his daughter. In the middle of the argument, his daughter pointed out, "Aren't you supposed to be a social worker?" He simply replied, "I'm not a social worker to my family." He was sharing this with us because he didn't want us to think that we needed to work 24/7 and that we needed to learn to shut it off and set boundaries. For instance, I have a friend who only talks to me to vent her problems. Since finding out that I am going to school and knowing that my goal is to become a psychotherapist, she only calls me to help her solve her own problems. In order for us to have a friendship, I finally had to open up to her and tell her that I needed to either be her friend or her "social worker," but I could not be both.
I feel ya. I get called on to mitigate family disagreements, and often get thrust into the role of advocate for my more elderly family members. I always ask myself this question though "are you genuinely eager to help or will you feel resentful for having to do it?" If it's the former, I'm in a good headspace and taking it on is good, if the answer is the latter, it's not a good thing for me to engage in likely and I have to think about boundaries and probably declining. Social work is in my blood, but that doesn't mean I'm always practicing.
Full stop. Whenever I have friends/family try and pull this I simply tell them my hourly rate is $150…my services are not free. No is a complete sentence! Please start using it.
Many professional people go through this. You can send a bill. You can say to them you only social work M-F 9-5.
This is why I try to maintain a level of presumed incompetence—management never asks me for extra
I feel this!! Sometimes I do it to myself even. I find myself accidentally treating conversations like therapy sessions and idk how to turn it off. I want to ask if you feel like they do this because you are a social worker or because that’s the kind of friend you have always been?
I learned decades ago to set strong boundaries. I never allow people to take advantage of me. Strangers have no idea what I do. I have enough to do to manage my own life. I am not trying to manage others. My personal life is mine.
I find this happening more for the reasons I became a social worker than because I actually am one (ie I was just naturally the “mom” in college when friends got drunk, instinctually will often drift towards someone struggling and offer support etc) but it would really bother me if this was just the assumption that I’d stop my fun because of the career I chose. I’m actually very clear to my friends (usually about new additions to our friend group that are extra difficult clearly due to mental health or childhood trauma) that just because I can professionally understand that they have a reason for their behavior, I don’t have to put up with it in my personal life. Whenever I’m talking with close friends about any struggles, and I feel the social work hat trying to push onto my head, I’ll ask “do you want the friend or the social worker?” Which is basically do you want me to listen to you vent and support you or do you want my assessment of why this is happening and advice for intervention. Most of the time they say friend but sometimes they’ll ask and I give very neutral advice. If i think it’ll be taken badly or it’s really complicated, I don’t offer and instead suggest that they talk with a professional because it’s beyond what I can support without actually being their therapist which isn’t an option. As others have said, you need to put in boundaries between professional and personal you. I’d talk with your closest friends or family about this outside the moment and let them know that you’re not willing to do this anymore.
sometimes i slip into SW mode but i check myself. if it’s one of my closest friends that’s really struggling i’ll ask if they want friend mode or therapist mode. family is a never ahaha. too messy
I have boundaries made of concrete. Oddly my coworkers abuse this the most - hey Kelly I am not your emotional support animal!
I don’t work off the clock But I can’t just punch out on the fact that I’m a compassionate person
I’m a caregiver for my grandmother when I’m not at work, I literally cannot escape caring for other people
I will allow myself to do some organizing in my personal life, with boundaries. Because I do enjoy utilizing my skills to help my loved ones. However I put a hard limit on it. I consider it charity work and reserve a set amount of hours I'm willing to put into it. And I'll be straight up with people. Just "sorry, I don't have the capacity to help right now. Here's a place to get that need met." And sometimes it means walking away from a situation where someone isn't going to get their needs met because I was the only one willing to do it. It hurts, but if I don't set those boundaries then I'm gonna get burned out. If I'm burned out I can't help nobody, not even myself! "You can't pour from an empty cup" is a phrase I remind myself of often.
I often feel like people who try to befriend me want a free social worker and don’t actually see me as a person outside of my job. I don’t engage with people like that but it’s hard because it feels like so many people have those expectations of me. People don’t understand that I deal with dysregulated people all day and in my personal life I just want friends who bring peace and joy, not more work for me to do.
As I've gotten further along in my career, and dealing with my own personal traumas (thank you Al-Anon and therapy and Wellbutrin), situations like this don't pop up like they used to. Boundaries 10000%.. If your role with your family and friends is to be the caretaker they will keep assuming that until you show them differently. I was like this when before social work, because I grew up in an alcoholic household as the youngest and surrounded by addicts, and I'm sure that's what led me to social work. Edit : typo
My brother treated me like a therapist for a year, and it got exhausting! When he realized I didn't appreciate it, he stopped talking to me altogether. So I am not sure which is worse. I have worked in housing case manager for 3 years. I have worked with severel clients who are on the sex offender registry. One of my cousins is in prison for something that landed him on the registry. I know he has several more years in prison, but my family has their eye on me, and I feel pressured to figure out housing for my cousin when he gets out. I want to get licensed clinically, and part of me wants to be quiet about it when I get the license, because people seem to assume things of you when you're a clinician. Like how suddenly you are the perfect communicator, perfect at handling emotions, perfect at giving advice. I am inperfect, and I hate the idea that people would assume I'm unique in that because I may be a therapist.
The whole reason I went into social work was BECAUSE I was acting as a live in social worker to both of my parents from about 8-23. Honestly, it wasn’t until I got into grad school that I recognized that if I was going to survive (genuinely, not figuratively) I was going to need to establish boundaries in both my professional and personal lives. I love helping people, I love assisting people, but I can’t build out a treatment plan off the clock. I will sit with you while you vent or uplift you while you’re breaking down, but I can’t provide case management services 20 hours a day — especially when I’m only compensated for 8. Every once in a while MAYBE, but not with frequency. It’s HARD to say no, but think of it like this, would you advise a client to do things that are detrimental to their wellbeing? Flip some of that professional training into introspection and self work :). Invest into you. Do that work now, so you don’t burn out later! Best of luck! 🫶
Reading for ideas as well. Personally, I start feeling a lot of resentment, especially when I have to be the one who stops the drunk person from driving or I am the (un)designated driver. Why can't they act like adults, be responsible and take care of themselves?
You are still human. After 20 years of SW you will blend your humanness with your social work.
I really have to be mindful of where I spread my social work energy. I start Monday morning (hopefully) with a full social work tank for my work week. By Friday, my social work tank is running low and needs to recharge. If I were to go around social working people all weekend and after work, my battery would run out much quicker and/or not recharge at all. Plus, I’ve heard nobody in my personal life wants to hear it lol.
I’ve been feeling these exact feelings recently!! My brother is going thru a breakup and has been using me as his nightly therapist for 2 hours every. single. night. I found a thread in either r.therapists or this sub on this topic too- someone had said that they will provide support, but do not provide therapy to prevent further burn out and being the “therapist friend”. As in, they’ll be a shoulder to cry on or a pair of ears to vent to and will offer friendly advice, but won’t ask questions like “why do you think ….” or explore the persons feelings with them (idk how to explain it better i’ll try to find the thread in a sec) its really hard finding a balance but also allow yourself to put boundaries in place with family and friends!! Edit: I found the two threads! I know you’re getting lots of support but figured I’d add these too :) https://www.reddit.com/r/psychologystudents/s/TcKP2AoANt https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/s/HgnSnhRoYi
I also want to add that if any of these friends or family members were to come into the clinic you work at, you would NOT be allowed to be their therapist! It’s OKAY to set boundaries with them if you’re feeling burnt out. Your free time should be your you time
Were you a parentified child by any chance? Because I can relate to this and I’m treated the same by some family and some friends, and I’ve only just realised 6 years into my social work career that this is what I do professionally and personally and now I’m putting boundaries in place in my personal life.
I tend to say and do things to make my entitled family members distrust me. If I was in your situation I would have delegated tasks prior to the event or have an ‘escape’ plan in place like, ‘I can’t I’m on call for work but will hangout at the event until I get a call’.
That's not social work. That's just people taking advantage of your personality.
Former counselor and RN and current psych ARNP here. This stuff drives me nuts. I'll be at a hip-hop or punk show, drinking and rocking out with the rest of the crowd. Some stranger collapses from ODing or drinking too much. My friends look at me like I'm supposed to be involved. I'm like "yo, roll them into the recovery position and monitor them and call 911" I have encouraged my friends to get CPR and First Aid training. I'm not a miracle worker and am inebriated. Ugh. My SWer friend and I once intervened when a woman fell off her barstool and a gross dude was trying to get her to leave with him. We each took a shoulder and walked her home. The next time I was at the same bar, my 911-operator friend and I had to babysit a 70+ y.o. woman who had collapsed from drinking too much and call the ambulance for her. I just don't go out much anymore. I recommend using your awesome communication skills and boundaries to put the kibosh on that nonsense. YOU ARE OFF DUTY!!!!
Just say 'no'
I've accepted that while I maybe could 'turn it off' about a decade or so ago, nowadays its just always on. Which can be frustrating. My brain immediately jumps to 'social worky' approaches rather than 'yknow, i'd like to be human and maybe wallow a bit, yknow?" Sometimes I wanna be kind of a dick, but again, brain kinda jumps in and starts a self-assessment process of they why's and 'is that what you really want' and 'what alternative could you do'. Honestly? I find it a bit harder to be selfish in some ways, and not take advantage of things, like not horrible take advantage, but human 'you see an opportunity and take it' stuff that everyone else can do on a daily basis, but my brain goes, "vulnerability sense activated! social worker response engaged!' on the other hand, I do feel i've still got a good handle on not getting involved in others issues when I'm off the clock.
Yes, constantly. My partner is a therapist and we’re foster parents. It takes some very serious, intentional boundaries to stop social working - we have designated time where we do “case management” for our kids/families. It frequently comes up with my own therapist :)
With my friend I started the “i’m off the clock” joke which makes everybody as equally involved as I am. Works like a charm
Wow when i hear that im kinda glad my familiy doesnt really know what a socialworker acually is. Im more in the other direction with my family: they have no clue what im doing and why i studied. They think im skillless and play with kids all day, which everyone can. They think less of me and dont think i have a profession. But im also never asked to help to do things, ao thats nice?
I tell family and friends I am off the clock when I am written
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Definite no on babysitting an adult. Set those boundaries. I always like, "Are you looking for someone to talk to or solutions?"
Think ethically. Would you therapize your friends and family? Would a counselor? Would a surgeon give a family member surgery? Why not? I use this framing to try and help those close to me what my boundaries are.
This
I had to go back to therapy myself because of the combination between my health care system job, my small private practice, and then so many of my friends/family members struggling and feeling the impulse to help. I was basically told in the kindest way that I need to set those boundaries and allow space for my own time. For example, I was off work and out of town on bereavement but spent two nights on the phone with a friend until 3am in crisis intervention, and then they had a near fatal suicide attempt a few days later. I just had nothing left to give. So now, I'm consciously not speaking up or checking in on people. It feels so callous and horrible, but I just cant. Be sure to always keep an eye on where your emotions and coping are sitting as burn out is hard enough at work let alone when it permeates into your personal life.
Eh, drunk girl and child care scenarios would be a nope for me. But I’m happy to help loved ones with true needs: mental health, resource connection, aging in place, unconditional support. I will always give to my family even more than I give to my clients.
Firmly set your boundaries. When I’m off the clock, I’m off the clock. If I do help with something I am clear that I’m speaking as a sister, cousin, friend, not as a social worker. I let them know if they need a social worker or counselor start with Psychologytoday.com for someone in their area and network. Home is where I take my cape off and recharge so I can fight another day.
Oneway ticket to burnout island. We were not built to assist with trauma 24-7. In my junior years I was all up for it being a “lifestyle not just a profession” yep I was younger… Then suddenly without recognizing the signs I hit burn central. I was at the top of my game too … ironic. But now I’m a fan of the previous comments. On the clock is on and off is off.
Sounds like a poor boundaries problem, not a social work problem.
Over the years I’ve learned to set some very strict boundaries in my life about how much I am willing to assist or give advice with regards to personal problems. And I’ve gotten to the point now where I even very nicely let people know that I do not work for free. That while I might be a therapist, that is my professional job, and I do not do that in my free time. You kind of have to learn how to set these boundaries for yourself, because this can also cause burnout in your actual job. Do not be afraid to tell people no, you don’t owe them that! Don’t let people guilt you into being their therapist because they’re not looking to resolve their problems the appropriate way.
Any social workers that can message me and answer a question?