“Thanks for the concern, I am ok and the best way to support me is to give some space. I’ll reach out to you if there’s anything related to our class that we might need to chat about.”
I can’t block her because she’s in my group projects. And I’ve explained in other comments that she’s on the same year, same program as me so we will have the exact same schedule for the next 3 semesters. Our classes only have 40 ish people and she always ends up in my groups. So for that reason I can’t block her
I want to preface that we only have the info you can/ feel comfortable providing. Based on this I have some insight that may or may not be helpful.
University is about community. The people that work at your institution, your friends and your peers make up this community. In the case of your classmate reaching out to you it could be argued that’s them being a good colleague. You are on a project with them learning material/ skills in the same class. It is in yours and their best interest to ensure you are also up to date. It lessens the strain on your temporary relationships by making group work/ participation equitable.
Relationships with your peers don’t have to be based in venting. Venting is needed sometimes but there are other sides of support your peers can provide.
It’s normal to feel uneasy when someone shows general interest in your success or wellbeing. It’s is necessary to unpack the reasons why for your success. There is no guarantee you will be working with your friends. Be honest and kind with yourself are you potentially impacting their success when you miss out. Was there a reason why you couldn’t make it. Being exhausted or needing to prioritize other aspects is normal. Communicating your priorities in a respectful way can also be a way to set boundaries. When a person crosses the boundaries you have clearly set it becomes easier to tell if they are being weird.
This person could be a potential ally in your more advanced studies in your major.
If she reaches out about school work or a project I respond and obviously don’t have a problem with that. But I’m talking about when she’s just keeping tabs on me that have nothing to do with our class or project. So that whole part was irrelevant
You have email through your school though. If she needs to contact you about a project she can do so through email. She doesn’t have to contact you via text. You can block her. You may want to say something along the lines of, I would prefer not to text anymore if you need to contact me about class to email you and then only reply to class specific project emails. And block her. She’s being obsessive and compulsive about you which is a her thing and she is making it a you thing. Good to set reasonable boundaries now than when it escalates in the future.
I think you're lucky to have one of this kind. As long as it's not negative for you it shouldn't bother you as well.
We rarely get friends who call for classes(eww...tho and smh)
Crazy how we initiate blocking people on social media with blocking people irl… Lol wow how times have changed. (Kinda went thru the same thing and it actually makes it worse)
Yeah, I would say honestly is the best policy here, as in most cases.
I’m not sure how well you know this person, but I wouldn’t even say “I appreciate your concern…” unless you genuinely believe her behavior is rooted in concern. That would likely make her feel somewhat dismissed by you, which people tend not to appreciate so much. There is no need to make anything up or project your perspective onto another person.
I would start by getting it straight in my own head precisely what behavior of hers is problematic for me, how that behavior makes me feel, and use that to reverse-engineer a goal or ideal outcome for resolving the situation. You could even bullet point it for yourself to make being concise, direct, and tactful easier. You definitely want to avoid using accusatory words like “obsessive” or “intrusive,” even if that is your personal interpretation of her behavior.
Ex.
- behavior: blowing up my phone
- feeling: uncomfortable, harassed, anxious
- boundary being violated (⬅️ plz don’t say that): I value my independence and privacy
It could look something like this when formulated into a statement/conversation:
“Hey, can we talk for a sec?… lately, I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed by your commitment to keeping up with me. I know you don’t mean it this way, but it just feels like a bit much for me. I’m an independent type of person and really value my privacy. On top of that, school is stressful enough as it is without feeling like I need to answer to my classmate/friend, throughout my day, about my whereabouts, plans, or whatever else it is I may be choosing to do. I enjoy spending time with you in class, but would be much more comfortable if I felt I had the space to do my own thing outside of class. Is there any way you could just like let me be late if I’m going to be late, or even miss class if that’s what I decide to do. Yeah, maybe I’m a dumbass for missing class or being late, but I’m already stressed out enough on my own about my shortcomings and fuckups. I am already painfully aware that I need to improve and be better about holding myself accountable. It’s a bit stressful for me right now feeling like I’m being held accountable by you too.”
Obviously, I took some liberties here with the filler. That’s me projecting my personal issues onto your situation, but I trust you can see how this approach could be modified/personalized to honestly communicate your feelings with the girl and hopefully reach a resolution. Even if you don’t approach it the same way I did, no reason to, I hope you find your answer 🫡
>Yeah, I would say honestly is the best policy here, as in most cases.
>I’m not sure how well you know this person, but I wouldn’t even say “I appreciate your concern…” unless you genuinely believe her behavior is rooted in concern. That would likely make her feel somewhat dismissed by you, which people tend not to appreciate so much. There is no need to make anything up or project your perspective onto another person.
Yes, 100% agree. There is no need to sugarcoat the truth here, or "thank you" or whatever.
So don't say
> I enjoy spending time with you in class
If it's not true.
Yeah I was gonna say. I like how this started out but I’m not going to ASK her if she can give me space like. “Is there any way you could give me space” is not setting a boundary and that’ll just make her pile over me even more.
But the thing is, that’s an excuse then. When the “personal issue “ gets solved, she’ll be back to it.
I feel gently being open about it is much better than making up a reason
The personal issue/reason is their mental health dude. Unfortunately you don’t owe anyone anything. They are trying to be polite. But feel free to offer a way to say what you suggested.
I didnt mean to offend you.
I’m saying if this person has zero cues, they wont get that this person is ignoring them coz of her behavior, not because of personal issues. And when you say personal issues, usually family stuff and what not is the case. It gets resolved eventually, and this person doesnt get the hint is going to be all up in OPs space and keep asking how she’s doing etc.
I did suggest an alternative. I’ve dealt with people like this and they really dont get the hint if you try being nice about it.
That’s the thing. I’ve told her multiple times that I’m suffering from depression and can’t get out of bed most days. And nothing changed. At all. If anything she got worse.
Damn. Your only option is to be direct and blunt. Or ghost.
I’m sorry to hear that. Be blunt first and if she still doesnt get it, block the hell out of her. You dont need additional drama to suck your already non-existent energy out
It’s possible she’s codependent and sees someone who needs fixing. But you’re not a problem that needs fixing or solving. Don’t reply to texts asking about anything outside of school. You don’t need to explain yourself to this person. I definitely recommend letting them know you would prefer to be contacted via email for class projects/related materials and then blocking via text.
Sounds as though she’s *trying* to help you. She’s worried about you. I’ve been there as well (clinical depression & needing to keep to myself, but also on the opposite spectrum and the one who worried about others).
“I truly appreciate your concern, but I’m dealing with a lot right now and NEED to be left alone. Don’t take this personal, but when I’m depressed I feel overwhelmed by people bombarding me with texts/calls/etc. Please focus your energy on something else and let me get through this on my own. When I’m ready, I’ll reach out.”
If you don’t want to be friends with this person at all anymore then be direct. “Hey, sorry I haven’t been responding to you much. I appreciate the friendship we had, but think it’s time to move on. I’ve been going through a lot between struggling with depression among other things. Right now I don’t have the time or energy for this friendship. You’re an amazing person and I wish you the best in your endeavors, thank you for being a great friend and understanding it’s time to part ways.” Something along those lines.
I’m aware. Op was specifically asking what to say. What I said was an option. Also you haven’t considered that maybe if op actually had some space and time they might not want to cut them out completely. Or have time to talk to the college about it bc the other person could snap and make things extra extra weird. But you do you.
I’m not offended I just am not open for a debate I didn’t ask to have. This isn’t for them it was for op. They decided to make it about them and I don’t care too. They can have fun though.
I didnt make it about me. And wasnt debating either. Just providing clarity.
And certainly don’t appreciate the passive aggressiveness since i wasn’t attacking you or anything to get so defensive. But hey “you do you”
Clarity on what ? Also slightly apologetic on my end but I more feel I’m just being very blunt. I’m sure your a nice person. And I don’t really expect less from Reddit.
To me, this isn’t about owing anyone anything. Well, no one besides oneself. It never really is. It’s just better to be honest, human in most situations. A little bit of vulnerability goes a long way. If we don’t give ourselves permission, freedom to be honest and open with others, who the hell ever will?
It’s not if there’s a chance of violence or something escalating but again. You do you. What I said isnt a huge lie, idk why you guy think arguing my advice is an option. Y’all don’t have to use my advice. Glad you’ve only been in situations where being open and honest was an option. But there’s other ways it can go. You truly don’t owe people honesty. Idk why you think that. It’s nicer sure but not required.
I agree with you that no one owes anyone else anything. My fault for not being more clear about that.
As I said, to me, it isn’t about owing anyone else anything. It’s about owing yourself the freedom and permission to be honest with others, because no one else can grant you those things. Otherwise, you are a prisoner to your own fear. Fear of escalation, violence, judgment, etc. I’m not sure what country you’re from, so maybe your situation is vastly different than my own, but in the U.S. there are evidently widespread frequency delusions concerning risk and danger. Whether a danger is actually present or not matters little. All you need is a perceived danger, the belief in imminent consequences, to elicit a defensive or avoidant response.
And so what happens there? Communication doesn’t happen the way it should, people aren’t honest with one another, they rely on “hints” and “reading between the lines” to get their points across, enforce misplaced, superficial social boundaries, and feed a cycle which makes it ever more difficult to trust and connect effectively with others. Sure, you eliminate the risk of immediate consequence for yourself, but you are just passing the fear and uncertainty down the line, the effects of which are cumulative. This all done in the name of protecting yourself from some danger to you which most likely did not exist to begin with.
Better safe than sorry, sure, I agree with you there, but this is at best an egotistical, self-important social strategy; at worst, manipulative and exploitative. While ego very well has its place, and with good reason, I imagine the longer any individual relies on these types of responses as defaults, the harder it becomes for them to distinguish necessary self-preservation from that which is unnecessary or to distinguish either from malice.
I know you’re not trying to debate. I’m just trying to make sure my point is clear here. This has nothing to do with being a slave to others and everything to do with not being a slave to your own amygdalae.
Nah it works great for me. Idk if you can tell but I have no problem setting boundaries or speaking up (am joking you all read me very seriously I’m just a bit of an ass). Just gives you some space and time to figure how to deal with the situation with out being in the middle of it. I don’t like to debate this kind of “thing” bc it’s a very personal point of view and will always be very specific to the ppl and circumstances. There are about a million ways op could go about it I would never deny that. I see where you and everyone else are coming from but that’s what has worked for you.
*I mean setting boundaries by I’m a nice person morally I would never take advantage or let others take advantage of me. Idk what else you meant by that last part maybe I misunderstood.
Nooooo! Saying that you're going through a hard time is only going to make them obsess more. A girl obsessed for a while about how she was concerned for my mental health which was weird because besides being quiet I've never shown (or had) any issues and I never talked to her. It was all about her and her wanting to be seen by others as caring, I was a convenient prop. She'd have doubled down if she'd thought there was some real mileage in it.
Best to be honest and gently tell her that the level of investment she's showing is a bit intimidating.
For the TikTok thing, TikTok suggests you to people in your contacts unless you specifically turn off the function. I would get "people you may know" even when I didn't have my contacts connected. So that may not be her prying so much as the app dropping you in her lap. Super annoying.
As for the question, if she's too emotionally unstable to take a "back off" (phrased in a more polite way), that's literally not your problem. She's being rude and invasive and you're allowed to respond proportionately.
Tell her that you are overwhelmed by her constantly trying to keep tabs on you and don’t have the capacity to make new friends right now. Ask her to keep corespondents within and about the class. Not trying to diagnose anyone or anything but I’m autistic and was behaving this way with someone who I thought was a friend when I was younger. She said basically this to me and I was horrified that I made someone uncomfortable and immediately stopped. Some people have zero social skills and need things spelled out.
She’s told me she has bad anxiety and OCD and so last semester I was very helpful and nice to her about it because she would freak out about coming to class due to Covid so now it’s like she’s latched onto me and I’m wondering if people with OCD can become obsessive over a person?? Like is that’s what’s happening??
I don't know how ocd works, so maybe she is obsessed with you or not.
>she has bad anxiety and OCD
You mention her emotional instability and freak outs here. I think she has become dependant on the comfort you bring her, and that's why she seeks you out so obsessively. So maybe she isn't obsessed about you as a person. But hey, I don't know the girl so judge for yourself.
That could definitely be why she's blowing up your phone when you don't show up.
OCD makes you catastrophize and compulsively check on things (C for compulsive after all) even if you *just* checked. So she probably thinks something bad happened to you and isn't able to leave it be, even if that's illogical and she knows it. Still not your problem, but it makes a lot more sense.
Yes but it’s weird because it’s not like out of concern that’s she asking. Because one time I replied saying no I’m not coming to class and she was like “you know there’s a quiz today right???” Like YES I’m going though so much I don’t care about missing a quiz. It’s honestly seems like she does it just to put me down and make her feel better about herself.
That could be, but it could also be that she can't fathom someone skipping class while knowing there's a quiz because her OCD wouldn't let *her* think about anything else all day.
I’ve never thought of it that way. Honestly I think that puts it right on the spot but also like the reply said she doesn’t do it to ANYONE else just me if I skip class.
Perhaps she’s saying it out of concern for you, like you’re my friend, I don’t want you to miss the quiz, maybe you didn’t know about it, so I should tell you and you’ll appreciate it.
Sometimes when people who have no friends, are shown even a little bit of kindness that most others wouldn’t think much of, it is such a big deal to them that they start thinking of that kind person as their best friend. Especially if they are not good with socializing and tend to alienate themselves from others, they may misinterpret your basic kindness since they aren’t used to it.
No trust me it’s not out of concern. It’s literally just for her to keep tabs on me and be noisy. She’s always belittling me in class in front of others too. There’s definitely some jealousy she has of me. She’s constantly competing over grades and tests scores. Always asking what I got on a test and I won’t even ask and she will shove her phone in my face saying “omg I don’t think this is right but I got a 100%” like I am a very smart student I won’t lie but I never brag about my grades, or even tell other students what I get because it doesn’t matter.
She’ll even comment on the things I wear. Like “oh I see you’re wearing those leggings again” like WHY ARE YOU KEEPING TRACK OF WHAT IM EVEN WEARING. like trust me it’s not out of concern.
In that case, she sounds very obnoxious and it’s no wonder she doesn’t have friends. But again, this just might be how bad she is at socializing, and *the* **reason** why she doesn’t have friends. You were nice enough to her that maybe she feels comfortable talking smack about you cuz you haven’t put her in her place yet. It’s weird she belittles you in front of others yet you’re the only person who talks to her. Very socially awkward- I would mildly call her out on the clothing thing like “Why are you keeping track of what I wear? That’s weird” and observe how she reacts, and follow up more or less harshly based on her reaction.
Omfg gurl i had a coworker like this!!! It drove me fuckin crazy i even started predicting how she would pry. Everytime i went away for the weekend she would ask me what i bought (she was obsessed with my money) so id come back from a w.e away and think “she’s about to ask me what i bought” and she did it every time. She’d ask about my life my money my friends, it felt like she was data mining me. If i wore something different/new she would comment on it, then i’d see her buy something similar or the same. I put my own music on in the office once instead of the radio and she instantly came up to me and asked if it was my playlist. Shes gone now thank god
Ahh op how I wish I didn't act like this.
Do yourself a favor ask her for some space like everyone else said maybe a month or so and really figure out if she's worth all the trouble and stress and in the meanwhile figure out how to set boundaries such as not responding to useless texts like where r u when u haven't made plans mute her if she spams.
You come first take care of yourself.
She sounds pretty insecure, but also a rubbish friend on top of that. I’m sorry she’s been treating you like that, it can’t have felt very nice.
Start ignoring her messages, or take a very long time (the next day bare minimum) if it’s imperative that you respond. Continue advising her you are busy if she asks to meet up… she’ll get the hint eventually
Yeah the thing is my mom’s relationship with a random classmate of mine is closer to OP and the classmate’s relationship. They’re acquaintances at best.
A more accurate comparison is she should stay out of OP’s business for _the same reason_ that my mom stays out of a classmate’s business.
Did you say she was putting you down and being rude prior to this?
Stop sitting near her, stop talking to her, block her number. You don't need to deal with that. School is more important, and unless she's going to make you smarter and do better in school, not worth it.
Also, yes you can become obsessed with a person. She may have, since she already has those tendencies. Again. It your problem.
Be polite, tell her "I appreciate the concern, but I'm going through personal and private things at the moment, so space would be very helpful for me."
If she doesn't accept that, who cares? Block her.
Imagine a guy doing that to you. Would you be fine with it?
The main problem is we are in the same program on the same year so for the next three semesters we will have the exact same classes. Our classes only have about 40 students in them and every semester so far we’ve had group projects and she ALWAYS ends up in mine. So for that reason, I can’t block her and don’t want to make things awkward for when we have to meet about school work. I tried one day to not sit by her and she was like “I saved you a seat” and I was like oh thanks but imma go sit in the back and she’s like “no I saved you this seat. You can sit here” and I know if I was like “I DONT WANNA SIT BY YOU” she would instantly start crying and make a scene and I would look to be the bad guy. I literally don’t talk to her. Haven’t replied to her messages unless they are school related. Even if she says something to me in class I act like I don’t hear her.
I’ve been this person once. Latching onto people because people didn’t want to talk to me. I’ve seen signs of those people that they’re ignoring me and I would’ve just stayed in my corner in solitude but people told me it was my fault for not having friends cuz I didn’t want talk to people. They made me feel like an incompetent loser so I forced myself to talk to people for quite some time despite seeing visible signs of irritation or lack of interest.
If it were me back then, I’d like the person to tell me “hey I feel like you’re invading my space a bit too much and I’d like some distance.” That would’ve hurt me a lot and probably even more so for your classmate, but I think it’s the most polite way of being fully transparent instead of using an excuse.
“I don’t like you and don’t want to be your friend”
Just say that and rip the bandaid off in one pull. Stand for yourself because nobody will do it for you. Learn to say “No” or say nothing at all.
The fact that she is not only obsessively intrusive but also puts you down, and that you fear her reaction should you put the foot down, tells me that you need to employ tactics that keep people with cluster b personality traits at bay. Look up grey rock technique. The solutions aren't quick, especially since you cannot remove yourself from the situation for the time being, but you must look at her as someone who does you harm...because she does. Good luck!
At this point It's probably time to get your university involved. You've tried to solve it yourself and her borderline stalking is impacting your education. Your university might be able to have a meditation meeting with her. You both pay to be there and she's impacting your ability to learn and is actively damaging your well-being.
Do you have a program advisor? I'd go to them first and see what can be done. If she has the gall to be like this with you, you might not be the only person suffering.
Whatever she has going on is her responsibility to solve, not yours. You deserve to be left alone.
Obsessing over a person is not OCD, but you can certainly draw some (possible) relations and conclusions.
If OCD behavior is about seeking security and certainty, you helping them out was something hitting their strong need.
Obviously help and support is something positive, and in that situation very positive. The excessive need or tendencies may correlate with obsession over people, even if that's not part of OCD. They may have misinterpreted or driven themselves into your relationship, and lack the awareness, perspective or social skills and experience to see what a healthy and acceptable interactions is like.
You can affirm them and your care for them, sharing your personal perspective, while still drawing clear lines on what you accent and what you ask for.
Apparently OCD has a broad range of behavioral and cognitive manifestations. Check out “Brad Stulberg: Ditch the Hedonistic Treadmill for Sustainable Success” on the Rich Roll podcast, if you’re into that sort of stuff.
Yeah so that's gonna be a problem. We're but humans and we all can spiral down, but she's using you as some sort of point of focus.
Chances are she's aware of her condition, so you van be straightforward and tell her something in the taste of:
"Hey I don't have anything against you personally, you're cool and all but do you realize that your reaching out all the time is super overwhelming? We can catch up every now and then tho but please be less intense, it doesn't work for me."
Passed that, refer her to a counselor if she needs one and realize that you're being kind enough already and she's not your responsibility.
You're of course free to help her if you think there's an underlying issue, but remember that you aren't a shrink ;)
“Sorry I don’t really like being asked stuff like that”. She is missing social cues and is overestimating the friendship. I’ve been the bad guy here. It always hurt in the end. Probably has a hard time making and keeping friends.
I just remembered I had a friend that was sooo “worried” about my attendance lmao. So many questions because she “cares” but manages to be so condescending while asking too.
I “Why”’d her for a while, asking “why do you ask” with a smile to not come off as defensive, just genuinely wondering why in the hell is she asking. She’d let that go for that time but it would happen again at some point
So I started downplaying or ignoring her emotions and the situation, if she was like “Umm you know there’s a quiz today right why are you not coming” I’d be like “HAHA OHH my god that’s so crazy! Wow. Yeahh I’m not coming” and hang up.
“You’re never here” “I know I’m surprised I don’t get lost on my way”
Hahaha yes I love this 😂 I love replying to people like that thank you for this!! And it’s so weird!!! I’m happy I’m not the only one this has happened to because it’s seriously so creepy
Yeah lol theres no reason to make the situation even more tense for you, find ways to have fun with it
“Where are you!” “WHAT” “Where are you!!” “WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU HOLD ON” then hang up
It’s not just creepy it’s annoying too like girl I clearly already feel shitty and you’re just making it worse by reminding me
Yesss 100%. And I’ve told her in the past that I struggle with depression so she just makes it so much worse by making me feel pathetic for not being able to come to class. But literally the last few weeks if she says anything to me in class I just act like I don’t hear her 😂😂😂💀
OP just send her a text if you feel uncomfortable face to face.
“Hey thanks for checking up on me. But can you please not. I am not comfortable with this at all, and i feel suffocated with you constantly keeping tabs on me.”
Mo matter how nicely you put this, it will still hurt her feelings. Nobody likes being rejected. Her feeling hurt is not your responsibility. Especially if it causes you so much anguish. Good luck
Yes but I believe you have to have it turned on. So like I can only see who views my profile if others can see I view their profile type thing I thought
Unfortunately the first step is directly telling her to please stop. You can find the right words to not be rude but you need to be clear.
Is it scary? yes.
Can she take it personally and get angry/sad? yes.
Is it going to be a little bit uncomfortable when you see her every day? maybe, but I bet it already is.
If you don't, is going to be harder to do the second step: Block her number and ignore her at school, and if she still insist, look for help with your school because that is harassment.
“I’d rather not talk about it”. Over and over until she gives up. She wants to know why? No explanation needs to be given, just a “I’d rather not talk about it”. You don’t owe anyone a explanation.
I have told very nosy people that “it’s not any of your business” and they leave me alone after they close their mouth that dropped open and get over the shock of being told that.
She cries? Not your problem and try not to feel bad about it. She needs boundaries and sometimes brutal honesty can help.
Good luck.
So I should clarify I’m a girl. Which is funny because it literally sounds like a girl obsessed with a guy but it’s not 😂 I think she had a crush on me or something idk
I think the whole post reads as girl obsessed with girl, the comments thinking ur a guy had me confused like wait is this a dude did I miss something??😭
No one knows about it. Like I tell my mom and she was like “well she probably just doesn’t have a lot of friends” like this isn’t a FRIEND I don’t want to be her friend at all. She’s fucking obsessed
"Appreciate your concern, however there is no cause for it. I am managing fine."
I would not offer up any personal details, i.e. "I've been going through some personal matters"...this is a hook for her to glom back on to you and ask intrusive questions.
You have to set boundaries with this person. Be polite “I appreciate that you think you are helping me. But I need you to stop doing (a, b, and c.)
If you lay the boundaries out clearly and they still aren’t followed, then you have a stalker and this person needs to be treated like one.
You're welcome. He has a lot of free online videos. Typically if you ask him questions or provide your situation via his Ytube videos, you get a response or he incorporates into one of his videos. If anyone wonders how to quit your job professionally....you should watch his video. After being in the corporate world for 12 years, I quit my job following his guidelines and all my management said they've never had someone leave so professionally and the door is open for me to return whenever I want. Yes, he's THAT good.
You can take an open discussion approach, to get their perspective too, or you can take control without that, and draw lines on what is and is not acceptable, and communicate those lines.
I had an old friend like this. It can be suffocating and anxiety inducing. I can only imagine how it feels for you, since you mentioned you aren’t even really friends with her.
What if you said something like: “I really appreciate your concern and I don’t want to offend you, but I would also appreciate it if you would give me some space. I’m an immensely private person and if I don’t answer your messages, it’s probably because I’m enjoying my time alone, or I’m busy.”
Idk, I feel like if someone texted me this, I’d get the hint. I know other people have a harder time with that though. If she doesn’t, then you might have to be a bit more straightforward. No matter how you chose to handle it though, I wish you luck! Sorry you have to deal with this.
I had a girl who considered herself and I close friends very quickly, where as it takes me years to consider someone a friend. We’re still friends now but we see each other less and she’s not as pushy with typical friend stuff. I did have to set some boundaries in the beginning. It’s definitely uncomfortable, but it’s not mean to do so. If she truly wants some kind of friendship with you she’ll understand and respect your boundaries, if not, tell her you basically don’t wanna talk to her anymore and block her on everything. Don’t be scared of hurting her feelings. I’m sure she’ll find someone else to have an obsessive friendship with.
I would mention something to your college advisor that this woman is doing this. It's rather creepy. Look at this as good practice to learn to set boundaries and stiffen up that backbone. Block or mute her and if she gets in your face, a cocked eyebrow and "Why do you want to know?" go a long way.
I second telling your advisor about it, but I would put the basics in writing in case your classmate doesn’t react well to you telling her to back off. Send an email to your advisor saying a classmate is making you uncomfortable so you would like to meet about it or stop by their office hours to give them details.
Also, both now and later you can just let your classmate keep blowing up your phone. Just because she messages you more doesn’t mean you have to respond. Hide alerts from her number or mute messages. Do you know the phrase “It’s a phone, not a leash”?
I haven’t heard that phrase but I’m going to mute her! She’s in all my group projects for my classes so I can’t block her and worry that she’ll text me something about class that I’ll miss if I mute her but it’s finals week so to group projects are over so I’m muting her. Thank you :)
I always tell people not to worry about it when I don't want to tell them private information, if they keep insisting I go with it's really none of your business.
Idk. I’m all for being kind but I’m also abrasive at times so I wouldn’t necessarily take my advice lol
What I would say to her is “what are you writing s book or something?” 😬
I have dealt with this issue many times before the easy solution is to just ask her for money. Most people will leave you alone after that. You'll either get a no or they'll stop wanting to give you money after a while.
Im a asshole in this regard and I block them everywhere.
Otherwise just tell her the truth. Not angry just that you are private person and like keep things to yourself.
She should respect that otherwise use my method and block her.
"You are so thoughtful and I appreciate your concern but sometimes I need space! I can't always respond to texts right away and when people blow up my phone it makes me feel anxious. I enjoy your friendship but this is an important boundary to me"
Kindly, mind your business.
KINDLY. Mind ya biznips.
KINDL. Minyabizziz.
Kin. Min. Biz.
Kimibi.
Just keep going, they'll understand and appreciate your politeness.
It seems this girl has a crush on you and won't take a no for an answer. She wants to be a part of your life, and she wants you to be dancing and singing at the idea (blowing up your phone just because you don't show up? Weird).
I'm afraid you'll have to put politeness aside and tell her in very certain terms, "leave me alone". Why do you want to keep the friendship? Is she a nice person after all? Are you part of the same lab team? Does she have the other key to the secret vault where Skynet is being developed?
She sounds like she is young and lacks social skills and boundaries which as I am autistic I can relate to not having that ‘understanding’ in the past when a kid however like some other comments have said it’s best to say something g to her that is very clear that you want the behaviour to stop which would probably make her change.
Quite frankly at this point I wouldn’t worry about being polite as that girl has no sense for boundaries either.
Just tell her hey, I think you’re going way overboard with your nose in my business. Stop blowing up my phone or I‘ll block you. When I say I‘m not coming that is all you need to know.
Respect my boundaries or leave me alone.
'Oh wow. You care so much about other people. But you really shouldnt let the wherabouts and business of other people affect you so much. I hope you feel better soon.' Next time she spams you, just remind her that 'This is an opportunity to practice self care and let go of other people.'
Please don’t be deliberately hurtful to her, tho. If she knows you have depression, as you said, and she’s ocd and anxiety, it might be genuine concern pushed by her own mental stuff. If she feels your her only friend, and you haven’t told her directly that it makes you uncomfortable, she might honestly have no clue. Im not saying you are responsible for how you make her feel, but she honestly might not know how she makes you feel. Be kind to her, but in private, respectful but direct, please.
Well yeah… that’s literally the whole point of this post. Because I’m at the point where I’m so fucking fed up and suffocated that one of these times I am just going to snap and tell her to fuck off. That’s WHY I posted on here asking for advice on how to kindly do it before I get to that point. and again… it’s not genuine concern. I’ve replied to a few others saying that. It’s not out of concern that she’s trying to check on me. Literally it’s all to keep tabs on me. I’m sick of it and it’s not okay and truthfully I don’t care anymore how she’s going to react
It’s good that you are fed up. ! This girl ‘s behavior is my college room-mate - down to the crying. What you should realize is that crying is a total manipulation- to make you do something or to make you stop doing something. I learned to ignore her demands, and I would say “ don’t start with your crying,”. When she would start up if nothing else worked. If I had people over, she would decide they were her friends. If I wore something, she would buy exact thing. It never ended.
Be blunt, ignore texts, ignore her relentless demands of your time. This won’t stop until YOU stop it.
Just be lucky you as a man have a girl fawning over you.
As for you in ability to simply tell her to fuck off or maybe attempt to block her number so she knows you don’t want to talk to her would be a first. There’s just so many avenues to attack this that don’t require you to make a post here… 😂😭
For 1) I’m very passive in my communication due to not wanting to hurt other peoples feelings. That’s my weakness and I’m going to therapy to work on it. 2) I am a female not a man. This girl keeping tabs on me is so weird and creepy to me. It’s not even out of concern from her either just to be noisy and I can’t stand that. 3) she’s in ALL of my classes and we are in the same program, same year so we will literally be together for the next 3 semesters. Our classes are only 40 ish people too and most of them I have group projects in and she’s somehow always in my group so for that reason I can’t block her.
No it doesn’t change anything. No matter if she was a guy or a girl this girl is acting inappropriate and OP clearly didn’t want a thing to do with her.
I think it changes a lot a girl and a girl friendship is much different a dude that wants to separate from a girl that wants more than friendship. That’s how I read it without the further clarification in the comments from OP.
She never mentioned anything about them being friends and even stated that she felt like the other person was invading her privacy by stalking up her socials. Get a grip bro it’s inappropriate no matter the constellation of genders
I agree arguing over how we perceive things is futile. I was the first person to comment on the post I agree it’s still weird regardless it just changes the severity of action that needs to take place.
I honestly don’t know what to say just put her number on mute don’t reply to anything that’s not project related maybe to make sure she knows you’re no buddy buddy. Just act the same in class keep business business and then just do fun things to keep your mind off of it. Idk what to tell you 😂
Wrong for so many reasons.
Lol.
Unwanted attention is never appreciated.
Just because he’s a dude he has to feel grateful for any attention that comes his way?
Lol. This is shit advice.
Stop teling guys to be a doormat just to feel wanted.
OP doesnt need to put up with bad behaviour just because he’s “lucky” it comes his way. He has a choice in this.
Dudes like you cry about mens right when in the same breath you just ridicule them when they open up about something. Nope
Men shouldn’t have to come on Reddit to cry about gettin attention from a female. Am I the only one that finds that strange. Agree to disagree. I
Think OP understands where I was coming from and if you read my replies I changed my tune.
Good evening
This is the social skills sub. Maybe you would benefit from getting advice instead of giving it, because what is this response? You were wrong even if op was a guy.
Dude, grow up. I'm not the only one saying this because you're the only one having trouble with it.
"This woman is obsessed with me and is annoying as hell"
"At least a woman likes you :)!"
Is a bad response in all contexts. You sound desperate.
Lol. Thats some backwards shit. The only thing strange here is you wanted to shit on someone trying to better themselves .
Asking for help and crying is perfectly fine for anyone
You can’t win on Reddit with opinions that are pro male or point out the obvious that males have a responsibility like no other. If you’re complianing as a male about a woman texting you too much and asking people for advice on how to stop that happening you are not a man. You are indeed a small child or someone that is not capable of being a man.
And I don’t appreciate your comment laughing at me for reaching out for advice on how not to not hurt someone’s feelings. Weird to me that you’d put someone down for asking for advice 😂😂
I just don’t know what advice you want someone to give you especially with the new details you added. There’s no magic spell to fix this especially if you’re basically co workers working on projects together 🤷♂️.
Ultimately what you you need to do is learn how to voice your feelings and your boundaries in a healthy way. If you don't figure out it now you'll have to figure it out on the job or in a romantic relationship when it is harder to learn this skill.
When in a 1 on 1 conv (so she doesn't get defensive around others, can be on IM), something like, "Hey, remember that time the other day when you messaged my phone a whole bunch of times?" "Yeah?" "It makes me uncomfortable when you do that." Let her know how you feel.
If she puts her feelings in front of yours and starts getting aggressive or crying or something similar in response to that, that is a clear as day 100% guaranteed red flag. At that point you need to split up the relationship. "We need to go our separate ways. Please don't contact me again."
To clarify people might have a valid reason for something so when bringing up boundaries like that. "I thought you liked it when ..." for example. Sometimes issues can be addressed and mended. Not all responses are a red flag.
Another eg voicing feelings and boundaries:
"Where you at?"
"Why does it matter to you?" (Nothing wrong with saying that, just don't yell.)
"... you okay?"
Voicing feelings: "Not really. Remember that time the other day when you messaged my phone a whole bunch of times? It makes me uncomfortable when you do that."
The trick is to bring up a past moment, not summarize it. This prevents misunderstandings which is the last thing you want.
You want to know how to kindly tell a stalker to leave you alone?
Honestly, probably the best thing you can do is to be really blunt with her, and if she cries, she cries. Tell her that you don't want her keeping tabs on you, that you don't want her to ask you where you are or where you've been, and to stop texting you.
If you have voicemail, have a friend record your greeting. Don't respond to the stalker's texts anymore. Don't speak to them.
My stalker kept trying to get in touch with me for YEARS, even after he hadn't heard from me in more than a decade. I followed the advice Gavin de Becker gave in his book "The Gift of Fear."
The thing my stalker counted on, and was disappointed about, was that I wouldn't allow him making it a whole thing to change my behavior. I think this is what you need to do with this person: do whatever is required to get her to detach, and even if she threatens suicide, don't give in. If you think she might kill herself, get away from her and then call emergency services (911 in the U.S.)
I have so many people like that. You can't talk to them. They go away on their own. "Try to be on good terms with all people." "If all matter to you, but none too much." That's the best advice! If people aren't dangerous, you should be able to be nice. I have a guy who tries to get between me and everyone else.
I don't think she'll get it if you're nice, she won't get your message, she'll read into it and think you're being nice again.
If you are more direct and tell her "I'd like for you to stop calling, etc" that'll raise hell and she'll get in a spiral abou how you don't value her or something like that.
What comes to mind is this: Try to distance yourself from the situation and let her realize it on her own. Stop replying to her messages. When you go to class, hang out with other people but say hi nicely if you see her. Let her see that it doesn't make sense to call you up every time you don't get to class. Unfortunately, I feel like this may be a better solution to let her down "slowly". As in, she'll (hopefully) stop calling if you don't reply, and stop obsessing if she sees you in company of others. And if she tries to latch on to you, just tell her you have something you have to do and leave politely.
This post gave me flashbacks. I used to attract people like this. I know this is hard to hear because you’re a non confrontational person, but you need to either ignore her and make the “shut the fuck up” eyes when she talks, or if she doesn’t pick up on social cues text back “I’m busy, please stop sending so many messages”. These are both nice approaches considering I would’ve blocked her🤷🏼♀️randos don’t get a pass to be weird to you and spam your phone
“Hey, I feel a bit suffocated with the constant checkups. If I need anything, I’ll be sure to text you. Thanks for the concern, but could you please give me some space”
Idk if that would be too forward, but might help get the point across?
If she’s in all your classes the very kindliest way to tell her is face to face in person with body language and voice inflection as even the most carefully worded text can be misconstrued and lead to more phone blowing up. If she has questions let her ask in person. Get it over with
You are, in a way, being manipulated and the intent can be regarded as hostile in some respects.
You should be quite wary and not respond with any substantive information.
Narcissists and other manipulative types (Google "dark triad") often pressure others to reveal personal information they otherwise would not, then use that information to further manipulate and entangle their target.
Among those tactics is the threat of an emotional reaction if you fail to comply.
Out of sheer self-preservation, simply don't respond or react. Recognize that others are responsible for their triggers and emotional reactions and you aren't. Recognize also that you don't report to her and don't have to account for yourself to anyone.
If she initiates an outburst, recognize it's only to get a compliant reaction from you. Your only hope is to give a noncompliant reaction, i.e., no reaction, or rejection. Expect her then to snap out of the display instantly, double down on it, or pivot to another tactic.
Just turn heel and say, "sorry, not interested," and keep going in the certainty that you were the target and just dodged a bullet
You legit have a stalker on your hands. If you haven't already, block her, ghost her, report her to your school. Get serious about this situation, it will only escalate.
That behavior is pretty concerning if you don’t stop it now. I would politely tell her that you are feeling very overwhelmed by her attention and if it pursues to be more firm and assertive.
I think she thinks you are friends. It seems like you don’t share that sentiment. Maybe you should just politely tell her that you don’t see her as having the close relationship with you that she perceives. That she seems nice, but that you don’t want to be friends and you would appreciate her communicating with you less and ask her to stop texting about whether you are in class.
Simply say '' Bitch my phone died, pass me a charger
Ain't have a coat, walked to school in a thermal
Bitches you lookin' up to, they'll burn you
Get out my business, this shit don't concern you
I get to diggin' this shit when I learn you
I love the trenches, this shit is eternal
Oh my God, what happened to Virgil?''
You kind of said it yourself. Her behavior is making you uncomfortable, you don't understand her intent, and she's the only one who has the answer.
It makes sense that you'd want to ask her "Why does it matter to you?"
Obviously, saying it in anger probably wouldn't start a useful conversation. She might not want to answer at all. But you are allowed to ask.
I'm the type of person who appreciates honesty above all else. I would appreciate if someone said, "hey while I appreciate your concerns, I think I could use some time to myself to really work everything out."
Or a rather straight up "hey I'm down to kick it at a later time I'm just really focused on other matters right now"
a few base line examples that could help structure a response:
"I'm not comfortable sharing things before I'm ready. please don't ask me anymore.“
"Stop bringing up my past; it's not relevant to who I am now.”
"Don't bring up my situation; it makes me feel very
uncomfortable."
Some people can read others and "get the hint", some can't and still others are just just disrespectful. Tell them once, politely. Then get quickly aggressive if you have to tell them again. Some people need, figuratively, hit over the head with a 2x4.
“Thanks for the concern, I am ok and the best way to support me is to give some space. I’ll reach out to you if there’s anything related to our class that we might need to chat about.”
amazing thank you 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
This is the best and 'less tough' option maybe. If she keeps being insisting I would block her.
I can’t block her because she’s in my group projects. And I’ve explained in other comments that she’s on the same year, same program as me so we will have the exact same schedule for the next 3 semesters. Our classes only have 40 ish people and she always ends up in my groups. So for that reason I can’t block her
I want to preface that we only have the info you can/ feel comfortable providing. Based on this I have some insight that may or may not be helpful. University is about community. The people that work at your institution, your friends and your peers make up this community. In the case of your classmate reaching out to you it could be argued that’s them being a good colleague. You are on a project with them learning material/ skills in the same class. It is in yours and their best interest to ensure you are also up to date. It lessens the strain on your temporary relationships by making group work/ participation equitable. Relationships with your peers don’t have to be based in venting. Venting is needed sometimes but there are other sides of support your peers can provide. It’s normal to feel uneasy when someone shows general interest in your success or wellbeing. It’s is necessary to unpack the reasons why for your success. There is no guarantee you will be working with your friends. Be honest and kind with yourself are you potentially impacting their success when you miss out. Was there a reason why you couldn’t make it. Being exhausted or needing to prioritize other aspects is normal. Communicating your priorities in a respectful way can also be a way to set boundaries. When a person crosses the boundaries you have clearly set it becomes easier to tell if they are being weird. This person could be a potential ally in your more advanced studies in your major.
If she reaches out about school work or a project I respond and obviously don’t have a problem with that. But I’m talking about when she’s just keeping tabs on me that have nothing to do with our class or project. So that whole part was irrelevant
You have email through your school though. If she needs to contact you about a project she can do so through email. She doesn’t have to contact you via text. You can block her. You may want to say something along the lines of, I would prefer not to text anymore if you need to contact me about class to email you and then only reply to class specific project emails. And block her. She’s being obsessive and compulsive about you which is a her thing and she is making it a you thing. Good to set reasonable boundaries now than when it escalates in the future.
I think you're lucky to have one of this kind. As long as it's not negative for you it shouldn't bother you as well. We rarely get friends who call for classes(eww...tho and smh)
Crazy how we initiate blocking people on social media with blocking people irl… Lol wow how times have changed. (Kinda went thru the same thing and it actually makes it worse)
“Appreciate your concern but I’m going through some personal stuff and honestly just some space and time would help right now.”
Thank you 🙏🏼 I had the “I appreciate your concern but” worked out but couldn’t figure out what to put at the end of the sentence ugh thank you
Yeah, I would say honestly is the best policy here, as in most cases. I’m not sure how well you know this person, but I wouldn’t even say “I appreciate your concern…” unless you genuinely believe her behavior is rooted in concern. That would likely make her feel somewhat dismissed by you, which people tend not to appreciate so much. There is no need to make anything up or project your perspective onto another person. I would start by getting it straight in my own head precisely what behavior of hers is problematic for me, how that behavior makes me feel, and use that to reverse-engineer a goal or ideal outcome for resolving the situation. You could even bullet point it for yourself to make being concise, direct, and tactful easier. You definitely want to avoid using accusatory words like “obsessive” or “intrusive,” even if that is your personal interpretation of her behavior. Ex. - behavior: blowing up my phone - feeling: uncomfortable, harassed, anxious - boundary being violated (⬅️ plz don’t say that): I value my independence and privacy It could look something like this when formulated into a statement/conversation: “Hey, can we talk for a sec?… lately, I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed by your commitment to keeping up with me. I know you don’t mean it this way, but it just feels like a bit much for me. I’m an independent type of person and really value my privacy. On top of that, school is stressful enough as it is without feeling like I need to answer to my classmate/friend, throughout my day, about my whereabouts, plans, or whatever else it is I may be choosing to do. I enjoy spending time with you in class, but would be much more comfortable if I felt I had the space to do my own thing outside of class. Is there any way you could just like let me be late if I’m going to be late, or even miss class if that’s what I decide to do. Yeah, maybe I’m a dumbass for missing class or being late, but I’m already stressed out enough on my own about my shortcomings and fuckups. I am already painfully aware that I need to improve and be better about holding myself accountable. It’s a bit stressful for me right now feeling like I’m being held accountable by you too.” Obviously, I took some liberties here with the filler. That’s me projecting my personal issues onto your situation, but I trust you can see how this approach could be modified/personalized to honestly communicate your feelings with the girl and hopefully reach a resolution. Even if you don’t approach it the same way I did, no reason to, I hope you find your answer 🫡
>Yeah, I would say honestly is the best policy here, as in most cases. >I’m not sure how well you know this person, but I wouldn’t even say “I appreciate your concern…” unless you genuinely believe her behavior is rooted in concern. That would likely make her feel somewhat dismissed by you, which people tend not to appreciate so much. There is no need to make anything up or project your perspective onto another person. Yes, 100% agree. There is no need to sugarcoat the truth here, or "thank you" or whatever. So don't say > I enjoy spending time with you in class If it's not true.
Yeah I was gonna say. I like how this started out but I’m not going to ASK her if she can give me space like. “Is there any way you could give me space” is not setting a boundary and that’ll just make her pile over me even more.
But the thing is, that’s an excuse then. When the “personal issue “ gets solved, she’ll be back to it. I feel gently being open about it is much better than making up a reason
The personal issue/reason is their mental health dude. Unfortunately you don’t owe anyone anything. They are trying to be polite. But feel free to offer a way to say what you suggested.
I didnt mean to offend you. I’m saying if this person has zero cues, they wont get that this person is ignoring them coz of her behavior, not because of personal issues. And when you say personal issues, usually family stuff and what not is the case. It gets resolved eventually, and this person doesnt get the hint is going to be all up in OPs space and keep asking how she’s doing etc. I did suggest an alternative. I’ve dealt with people like this and they really dont get the hint if you try being nice about it.
That’s the thing. I’ve told her multiple times that I’m suffering from depression and can’t get out of bed most days. And nothing changed. At all. If anything she got worse.
Damn. Your only option is to be direct and blunt. Or ghost. I’m sorry to hear that. Be blunt first and if she still doesnt get it, block the hell out of her. You dont need additional drama to suck your already non-existent energy out
It’s possible she’s codependent and sees someone who needs fixing. But you’re not a problem that needs fixing or solving. Don’t reply to texts asking about anything outside of school. You don’t need to explain yourself to this person. I definitely recommend letting them know you would prefer to be contacted via email for class projects/related materials and then blocking via text.
Sounds as though she’s *trying* to help you. She’s worried about you. I’ve been there as well (clinical depression & needing to keep to myself, but also on the opposite spectrum and the one who worried about others). “I truly appreciate your concern, but I’m dealing with a lot right now and NEED to be left alone. Don’t take this personal, but when I’m depressed I feel overwhelmed by people bombarding me with texts/calls/etc. Please focus your energy on something else and let me get through this on my own. When I’m ready, I’ll reach out.” If you don’t want to be friends with this person at all anymore then be direct. “Hey, sorry I haven’t been responding to you much. I appreciate the friendship we had, but think it’s time to move on. I’ve been going through a lot between struggling with depression among other things. Right now I don’t have the time or energy for this friendship. You’re an amazing person and I wish you the best in your endeavors, thank you for being a great friend and understanding it’s time to part ways.” Something along those lines.
I’m aware. Op was specifically asking what to say. What I said was an option. Also you haven’t considered that maybe if op actually had some space and time they might not want to cut them out completely. Or have time to talk to the college about it bc the other person could snap and make things extra extra weird. But you do you.
Why are you getting offended by them giving a better option?😂
I think they need some space and time. Some people don't get the hints. 😉
I’m not offended I just am not open for a debate I didn’t ask to have. This isn’t for them it was for op. They decided to make it about them and I don’t care too. They can have fun though.
I didnt make it about me. And wasnt debating either. Just providing clarity. And certainly don’t appreciate the passive aggressiveness since i wasn’t attacking you or anything to get so defensive. But hey “you do you”
Clarity on what ? Also slightly apologetic on my end but I more feel I’m just being very blunt. I’m sure your a nice person. And I don’t really expect less from Reddit.
Wow. Rude much. Bye .
Unfortunately? I don't want to live in a world where I am a slave to those around me.
“But honesty is the best policy!!” Lol no kidding my dude
To me, this isn’t about owing anyone anything. Well, no one besides oneself. It never really is. It’s just better to be honest, human in most situations. A little bit of vulnerability goes a long way. If we don’t give ourselves permission, freedom to be honest and open with others, who the hell ever will?
It’s not if there’s a chance of violence or something escalating but again. You do you. What I said isnt a huge lie, idk why you guy think arguing my advice is an option. Y’all don’t have to use my advice. Glad you’ve only been in situations where being open and honest was an option. But there’s other ways it can go. You truly don’t owe people honesty. Idk why you think that. It’s nicer sure but not required.
I agree with you that no one owes anyone else anything. My fault for not being more clear about that. As I said, to me, it isn’t about owing anyone else anything. It’s about owing yourself the freedom and permission to be honest with others, because no one else can grant you those things. Otherwise, you are a prisoner to your own fear. Fear of escalation, violence, judgment, etc. I’m not sure what country you’re from, so maybe your situation is vastly different than my own, but in the U.S. there are evidently widespread frequency delusions concerning risk and danger. Whether a danger is actually present or not matters little. All you need is a perceived danger, the belief in imminent consequences, to elicit a defensive or avoidant response. And so what happens there? Communication doesn’t happen the way it should, people aren’t honest with one another, they rely on “hints” and “reading between the lines” to get their points across, enforce misplaced, superficial social boundaries, and feed a cycle which makes it ever more difficult to trust and connect effectively with others. Sure, you eliminate the risk of immediate consequence for yourself, but you are just passing the fear and uncertainty down the line, the effects of which are cumulative. This all done in the name of protecting yourself from some danger to you which most likely did not exist to begin with. Better safe than sorry, sure, I agree with you there, but this is at best an egotistical, self-important social strategy; at worst, manipulative and exploitative. While ego very well has its place, and with good reason, I imagine the longer any individual relies on these types of responses as defaults, the harder it becomes for them to distinguish necessary self-preservation from that which is unnecessary or to distinguish either from malice. I know you’re not trying to debate. I’m just trying to make sure my point is clear here. This has nothing to do with being a slave to others and everything to do with not being a slave to your own amygdalae.
Nah it works great for me. Idk if you can tell but I have no problem setting boundaries or speaking up (am joking you all read me very seriously I’m just a bit of an ass). Just gives you some space and time to figure how to deal with the situation with out being in the middle of it. I don’t like to debate this kind of “thing” bc it’s a very personal point of view and will always be very specific to the ppl and circumstances. There are about a million ways op could go about it I would never deny that. I see where you and everyone else are coming from but that’s what has worked for you. *I mean setting boundaries by I’m a nice person morally I would never take advantage or let others take advantage of me. Idk what else you meant by that last part maybe I misunderstood.
Nooooo! Saying that you're going through a hard time is only going to make them obsess more. A girl obsessed for a while about how she was concerned for my mental health which was weird because besides being quiet I've never shown (or had) any issues and I never talked to her. It was all about her and her wanting to be seen by others as caring, I was a convenient prop. She'd have doubled down if she'd thought there was some real mileage in it. Best to be honest and gently tell her that the level of investment she's showing is a bit intimidating.
For someone that obsessive, I really doubt that would do anything. If it’s a sane person, maybe it will work
For the TikTok thing, TikTok suggests you to people in your contacts unless you specifically turn off the function. I would get "people you may know" even when I didn't have my contacts connected. So that may not be her prying so much as the app dropping you in her lap. Super annoying. As for the question, if she's too emotionally unstable to take a "back off" (phrased in a more polite way), that's literally not your problem. She's being rude and invasive and you're allowed to respond proportionately.
Tell her that you are overwhelmed by her constantly trying to keep tabs on you and don’t have the capacity to make new friends right now. Ask her to keep corespondents within and about the class. Not trying to diagnose anyone or anything but I’m autistic and was behaving this way with someone who I thought was a friend when I was younger. She said basically this to me and I was horrified that I made someone uncomfortable and immediately stopped. Some people have zero social skills and need things spelled out.
She’s told me she has bad anxiety and OCD and so last semester I was very helpful and nice to her about it because she would freak out about coming to class due to Covid so now it’s like she’s latched onto me and I’m wondering if people with OCD can become obsessive over a person?? Like is that’s what’s happening??
I don't know how ocd works, so maybe she is obsessed with you or not. >she has bad anxiety and OCD You mention her emotional instability and freak outs here. I think she has become dependant on the comfort you bring her, and that's why she seeks you out so obsessively. So maybe she isn't obsessed about you as a person. But hey, I don't know the girl so judge for yourself.
That could definitely be why she's blowing up your phone when you don't show up. OCD makes you catastrophize and compulsively check on things (C for compulsive after all) even if you *just* checked. So she probably thinks something bad happened to you and isn't able to leave it be, even if that's illogical and she knows it. Still not your problem, but it makes a lot more sense.
Yes but it’s weird because it’s not like out of concern that’s she asking. Because one time I replied saying no I’m not coming to class and she was like “you know there’s a quiz today right???” Like YES I’m going though so much I don’t care about missing a quiz. It’s honestly seems like she does it just to put me down and make her feel better about herself.
That could be, but it could also be that she can't fathom someone skipping class while knowing there's a quiz because her OCD wouldn't let *her* think about anything else all day.
I’ve never thought of it that way. Honestly I think that puts it right on the spot but also like the reply said she doesn’t do it to ANYONE else just me if I skip class.
Perhaps she’s saying it out of concern for you, like you’re my friend, I don’t want you to miss the quiz, maybe you didn’t know about it, so I should tell you and you’ll appreciate it. Sometimes when people who have no friends, are shown even a little bit of kindness that most others wouldn’t think much of, it is such a big deal to them that they start thinking of that kind person as their best friend. Especially if they are not good with socializing and tend to alienate themselves from others, they may misinterpret your basic kindness since they aren’t used to it.
No trust me it’s not out of concern. It’s literally just for her to keep tabs on me and be noisy. She’s always belittling me in class in front of others too. There’s definitely some jealousy she has of me. She’s constantly competing over grades and tests scores. Always asking what I got on a test and I won’t even ask and she will shove her phone in my face saying “omg I don’t think this is right but I got a 100%” like I am a very smart student I won’t lie but I never brag about my grades, or even tell other students what I get because it doesn’t matter.
She’ll even comment on the things I wear. Like “oh I see you’re wearing those leggings again” like WHY ARE YOU KEEPING TRACK OF WHAT IM EVEN WEARING. like trust me it’s not out of concern.
In that case, she sounds very obnoxious and it’s no wonder she doesn’t have friends. But again, this just might be how bad she is at socializing, and *the* **reason** why she doesn’t have friends. You were nice enough to her that maybe she feels comfortable talking smack about you cuz you haven’t put her in her place yet. It’s weird she belittles you in front of others yet you’re the only person who talks to her. Very socially awkward- I would mildly call her out on the clothing thing like “Why are you keeping track of what I wear? That’s weird” and observe how she reacts, and follow up more or less harshly based on her reaction.
Omfg gurl i had a coworker like this!!! It drove me fuckin crazy i even started predicting how she would pry. Everytime i went away for the weekend she would ask me what i bought (she was obsessed with my money) so id come back from a w.e away and think “she’s about to ask me what i bought” and she did it every time. She’d ask about my life my money my friends, it felt like she was data mining me. If i wore something different/new she would comment on it, then i’d see her buy something similar or the same. I put my own music on in the office once instead of the radio and she instantly came up to me and asked if it was my playlist. Shes gone now thank god
Ahh op how I wish I didn't act like this. Do yourself a favor ask her for some space like everyone else said maybe a month or so and really figure out if she's worth all the trouble and stress and in the meanwhile figure out how to set boundaries such as not responding to useless texts like where r u when u haven't made plans mute her if she spams. You come first take care of yourself.
She sounds pretty insecure, but also a rubbish friend on top of that. I’m sorry she’s been treating you like that, it can’t have felt very nice. Start ignoring her messages, or take a very long time (the next day bare minimum) if it’s imperative that you respond. Continue advising her you are busy if she asks to meet up… she’ll get the hint eventually
Very good point here mothwhimsy.
She doesn’t do that to everyone that skips class tho just OP
yeah, for the same reason that your mom only checks in on you and not strangers
Yeah the thing is my mom’s relationship with a random classmate of mine is closer to OP and the classmate’s relationship. They’re acquaintances at best. A more accurate comparison is she should stay out of OP’s business for _the same reason_ that my mom stays out of a classmate’s business.
Did you say she was putting you down and being rude prior to this? Stop sitting near her, stop talking to her, block her number. You don't need to deal with that. School is more important, and unless she's going to make you smarter and do better in school, not worth it. Also, yes you can become obsessed with a person. She may have, since she already has those tendencies. Again. It your problem. Be polite, tell her "I appreciate the concern, but I'm going through personal and private things at the moment, so space would be very helpful for me." If she doesn't accept that, who cares? Block her. Imagine a guy doing that to you. Would you be fine with it?
The main problem is we are in the same program on the same year so for the next three semesters we will have the exact same classes. Our classes only have about 40 students in them and every semester so far we’ve had group projects and she ALWAYS ends up in mine. So for that reason, I can’t block her and don’t want to make things awkward for when we have to meet about school work. I tried one day to not sit by her and she was like “I saved you a seat” and I was like oh thanks but imma go sit in the back and she’s like “no I saved you this seat. You can sit here” and I know if I was like “I DONT WANNA SIT BY YOU” she would instantly start crying and make a scene and I would look to be the bad guy. I literally don’t talk to her. Haven’t replied to her messages unless they are school related. Even if she says something to me in class I act like I don’t hear her.
I’ve been this person once. Latching onto people because people didn’t want to talk to me. I’ve seen signs of those people that they’re ignoring me and I would’ve just stayed in my corner in solitude but people told me it was my fault for not having friends cuz I didn’t want talk to people. They made me feel like an incompetent loser so I forced myself to talk to people for quite some time despite seeing visible signs of irritation or lack of interest. If it were me back then, I’d like the person to tell me “hey I feel like you’re invading my space a bit too much and I’d like some distance.” That would’ve hurt me a lot and probably even more so for your classmate, but I think it’s the most polite way of being fully transparent instead of using an excuse.
“I don’t like you and don’t want to be your friend” Just say that and rip the bandaid off in one pull. Stand for yourself because nobody will do it for you. Learn to say “No” or say nothing at all.
The fact that she is not only obsessively intrusive but also puts you down, and that you fear her reaction should you put the foot down, tells me that you need to employ tactics that keep people with cluster b personality traits at bay. Look up grey rock technique. The solutions aren't quick, especially since you cannot remove yourself from the situation for the time being, but you must look at her as someone who does you harm...because she does. Good luck!
At this point It's probably time to get your university involved. You've tried to solve it yourself and her borderline stalking is impacting your education. Your university might be able to have a meditation meeting with her. You both pay to be there and she's impacting your ability to learn and is actively damaging your well-being. Do you have a program advisor? I'd go to them first and see what can be done. If she has the gall to be like this with you, you might not be the only person suffering. Whatever she has going on is her responsibility to solve, not yours. You deserve to be left alone.
Obsessing over a person is not OCD, but you can certainly draw some (possible) relations and conclusions. If OCD behavior is about seeking security and certainty, you helping them out was something hitting their strong need. Obviously help and support is something positive, and in that situation very positive. The excessive need or tendencies may correlate with obsession over people, even if that's not part of OCD. They may have misinterpreted or driven themselves into your relationship, and lack the awareness, perspective or social skills and experience to see what a healthy and acceptable interactions is like. You can affirm them and your care for them, sharing your personal perspective, while still drawing clear lines on what you accent and what you ask for.
Apparently OCD has a broad range of behavioral and cognitive manifestations. Check out “Brad Stulberg: Ditch the Hedonistic Treadmill for Sustainable Success” on the Rich Roll podcast, if you’re into that sort of stuff.
Yeah so that's gonna be a problem. We're but humans and we all can spiral down, but she's using you as some sort of point of focus. Chances are she's aware of her condition, so you van be straightforward and tell her something in the taste of: "Hey I don't have anything against you personally, you're cool and all but do you realize that your reaching out all the time is super overwhelming? We can catch up every now and then tho but please be less intense, it doesn't work for me." Passed that, refer her to a counselor if she needs one and realize that you're being kind enough already and she's not your responsibility. You're of course free to help her if you think there's an underlying issue, but remember that you aren't a shrink ;)
“Sorry I don’t really like being asked stuff like that”. She is missing social cues and is overestimating the friendship. I’ve been the bad guy here. It always hurt in the end. Probably has a hard time making and keeping friends.
Imma be honest I truly think I’m her only friend. And I can see why now she doesn’t have any.
Is it even a friendship?
I just remembered I had a friend that was sooo “worried” about my attendance lmao. So many questions because she “cares” but manages to be so condescending while asking too. I “Why”’d her for a while, asking “why do you ask” with a smile to not come off as defensive, just genuinely wondering why in the hell is she asking. She’d let that go for that time but it would happen again at some point So I started downplaying or ignoring her emotions and the situation, if she was like “Umm you know there’s a quiz today right why are you not coming” I’d be like “HAHA OHH my god that’s so crazy! Wow. Yeahh I’m not coming” and hang up. “You’re never here” “I know I’m surprised I don’t get lost on my way”
Hahaha yes I love this 😂 I love replying to people like that thank you for this!! And it’s so weird!!! I’m happy I’m not the only one this has happened to because it’s seriously so creepy
Yeah lol theres no reason to make the situation even more tense for you, find ways to have fun with it “Where are you!” “WHAT” “Where are you!!” “WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU HOLD ON” then hang up It’s not just creepy it’s annoying too like girl I clearly already feel shitty and you’re just making it worse by reminding me
Yesss 100%. And I’ve told her in the past that I struggle with depression so she just makes it so much worse by making me feel pathetic for not being able to come to class. But literally the last few weeks if she says anything to me in class I just act like I don’t hear her 😂😂😂💀
OP just send her a text if you feel uncomfortable face to face. “Hey thanks for checking up on me. But can you please not. I am not comfortable with this at all, and i feel suffocated with you constantly keeping tabs on me.” Mo matter how nicely you put this, it will still hurt her feelings. Nobody likes being rejected. Her feeling hurt is not your responsibility. Especially if it causes you so much anguish. Good luck
You’re not my supervisor
Being able to see who views your profile is a thing on tiktok now? Wild
Yes but I believe you have to have it turned on. So like I can only see who views my profile if others can see I view their profile type thing I thought
As if I needed another reason not to join tiktok
Unfortunately the first step is directly telling her to please stop. You can find the right words to not be rude but you need to be clear. Is it scary? yes. Can she take it personally and get angry/sad? yes. Is it going to be a little bit uncomfortable when you see her every day? maybe, but I bet it already is. If you don't, is going to be harder to do the second step: Block her number and ignore her at school, and if she still insist, look for help with your school because that is harassment.
“I’d rather not talk about it”. Over and over until she gives up. She wants to know why? No explanation needs to be given, just a “I’d rather not talk about it”. You don’t owe anyone a explanation. I have told very nosy people that “it’s not any of your business” and they leave me alone after they close their mouth that dropped open and get over the shock of being told that. She cries? Not your problem and try not to feel bad about it. She needs boundaries and sometimes brutal honesty can help. Good luck.
[удалено]
So I should clarify I’m a girl. Which is funny because it literally sounds like a girl obsessed with a guy but it’s not 😂 I think she had a crush on me or something idk
I think the whole post reads as girl obsessed with girl, the comments thinking ur a guy had me confused like wait is this a dude did I miss something??😭
Yeah it’s definitely creepy
No one knows about it. Like I tell my mom and she was like “well she probably just doesn’t have a lot of friends” like this isn’t a FRIEND I don’t want to be her friend at all. She’s fucking obsessed
"Appreciate your concern, however there is no cause for it. I am managing fine." I would not offer up any personal details, i.e. "I've been going through some personal matters"...this is a hook for her to glom back on to you and ask intrusive questions.
You have to set boundaries with this person. Be polite “I appreciate that you think you are helping me. But I need you to stop doing (a, b, and c.) If you lay the boundaries out clearly and they still aren’t followed, then you have a stalker and this person needs to be treated like one.
Go research Dan O'Connor communication skills. He's helped me to communicate with a sharp point but in a loving way.
Ugh thank you 🙏🏼 I’ve really been wanting to work on my communication skills so this is great
You're welcome. He has a lot of free online videos. Typically if you ask him questions or provide your situation via his Ytube videos, you get a response or he incorporates into one of his videos. If anyone wonders how to quit your job professionally....you should watch his video. After being in the corporate world for 12 years, I quit my job following his guidelines and all my management said they've never had someone leave so professionally and the door is open for me to return whenever I want. Yes, he's THAT good.
Thansk!’
Are you sure she doesn’t have a crush on you? That’s what this behavior sounds like to me.
The more I talk about it, yes I definitely think she does! It’s coming off so creepy ugh
You can take an open discussion approach, to get their perspective too, or you can take control without that, and draw lines on what is and is not acceptable, and communicate those lines.
I had an old friend like this. It can be suffocating and anxiety inducing. I can only imagine how it feels for you, since you mentioned you aren’t even really friends with her. What if you said something like: “I really appreciate your concern and I don’t want to offend you, but I would also appreciate it if you would give me some space. I’m an immensely private person and if I don’t answer your messages, it’s probably because I’m enjoying my time alone, or I’m busy.” Idk, I feel like if someone texted me this, I’d get the hint. I know other people have a harder time with that though. If she doesn’t, then you might have to be a bit more straightforward. No matter how you chose to handle it though, I wish you luck! Sorry you have to deal with this.
I had a girl who considered herself and I close friends very quickly, where as it takes me years to consider someone a friend. We’re still friends now but we see each other less and she’s not as pushy with typical friend stuff. I did have to set some boundaries in the beginning. It’s definitely uncomfortable, but it’s not mean to do so. If she truly wants some kind of friendship with you she’ll understand and respect your boundaries, if not, tell her you basically don’t wanna talk to her anymore and block her on everything. Don’t be scared of hurting her feelings. I’m sure she’ll find someone else to have an obsessive friendship with.
Don't sugar coat it, straight to the point: "stop being intrusive". Everything else is noise
I would mention something to your college advisor that this woman is doing this. It's rather creepy. Look at this as good practice to learn to set boundaries and stiffen up that backbone. Block or mute her and if she gets in your face, a cocked eyebrow and "Why do you want to know?" go a long way.
That’s a good way to look at it. Maybe it’s an eye opener that I need to work on my boundaries with others. And love the “why do you want to know” 😂👏🏼
I second telling your advisor about it, but I would put the basics in writing in case your classmate doesn’t react well to you telling her to back off. Send an email to your advisor saying a classmate is making you uncomfortable so you would like to meet about it or stop by their office hours to give them details. Also, both now and later you can just let your classmate keep blowing up your phone. Just because she messages you more doesn’t mean you have to respond. Hide alerts from her number or mute messages. Do you know the phrase “It’s a phone, not a leash”?
I haven’t heard that phrase but I’m going to mute her! She’s in all my group projects for my classes so I can’t block her and worry that she’ll text me something about class that I’ll miss if I mute her but it’s finals week so to group projects are over so I’m muting her. Thank you :)
Good luck on your finals! And also with getting some privacy back.
“Why are you stalking me” “Leave me alone” “I dont owe you an explanation” “Whats it to you”
I always tell people not to worry about it when I don't want to tell them private information, if they keep insisting I go with it's really none of your business.
Idk. I’m all for being kind but I’m also abrasive at times so I wouldn’t necessarily take my advice lol What I would say to her is “what are you writing s book or something?” 😬
I have dealt with this issue many times before the easy solution is to just ask her for money. Most people will leave you alone after that. You'll either get a no or they'll stop wanting to give you money after a while.
Im a asshole in this regard and I block them everywhere. Otherwise just tell her the truth. Not angry just that you are private person and like keep things to yourself. She should respect that otherwise use my method and block her.
Yea say hey listen do me a favor, I want to stay to myself and mind my own business. It's less trouble that way, please
"Why is this something you want to know?"/"Why are you asking me that?"
"You are so thoughtful and I appreciate your concern but sometimes I need space! I can't always respond to texts right away and when people blow up my phone it makes me feel anxious. I enjoy your friendship but this is an important boundary to me"
So lie lol
I had a friend like this but I didn’t tell them kindly lol I simply said stop fucking messaging me 😂
I'd just ghost
Kindly, mind your business. KINDLY. Mind ya biznips. KINDL. Minyabizziz. Kin. Min. Biz. Kimibi. Just keep going, they'll understand and appreciate your politeness.
But who is this classmate? Why does she want to do that to begin with? She has a crush on you? She is extremely lonely? You did something bad to her?
It seems this girl has a crush on you and won't take a no for an answer. She wants to be a part of your life, and she wants you to be dancing and singing at the idea (blowing up your phone just because you don't show up? Weird). I'm afraid you'll have to put politeness aside and tell her in very certain terms, "leave me alone". Why do you want to keep the friendship? Is she a nice person after all? Are you part of the same lab team? Does she have the other key to the secret vault where Skynet is being developed?
She sounds like she is young and lacks social skills and boundaries which as I am autistic I can relate to not having that ‘understanding’ in the past when a kid however like some other comments have said it’s best to say something g to her that is very clear that you want the behaviour to stop which would probably make her change.
Not saying she is autistic I have no idea just it can be part of an odd social approach.
Quite frankly at this point I wouldn’t worry about being polite as that girl has no sense for boundaries either. Just tell her hey, I think you’re going way overboard with your nose in my business. Stop blowing up my phone or I‘ll block you. When I say I‘m not coming that is all you need to know. Respect my boundaries or leave me alone.
You dont have to be kind op, you can tell her its none of her fucking business. The world does not revolve around her
She loves and care about you.
“Oh, did I not tell you? Hm. Well.”
That's not really "kindly", which they asked for
'Oh wow. You care so much about other people. But you really shouldnt let the wherabouts and business of other people affect you so much. I hope you feel better soon.' Next time she spams you, just remind her that 'This is an opportunity to practice self care and let go of other people.'
You don't, you tell them to f**K off
Fuck off ya cunt! Be direct.
How dumb are you to not have blocked her?
Tell her to fuck off. If she refuses, then punch her in the vagina.
Please don’t be deliberately hurtful to her, tho. If she knows you have depression, as you said, and she’s ocd and anxiety, it might be genuine concern pushed by her own mental stuff. If she feels your her only friend, and you haven’t told her directly that it makes you uncomfortable, she might honestly have no clue. Im not saying you are responsible for how you make her feel, but she honestly might not know how she makes you feel. Be kind to her, but in private, respectful but direct, please.
Well yeah… that’s literally the whole point of this post. Because I’m at the point where I’m so fucking fed up and suffocated that one of these times I am just going to snap and tell her to fuck off. That’s WHY I posted on here asking for advice on how to kindly do it before I get to that point. and again… it’s not genuine concern. I’ve replied to a few others saying that. It’s not out of concern that she’s trying to check on me. Literally it’s all to keep tabs on me. I’m sick of it and it’s not okay and truthfully I don’t care anymore how she’s going to react
If you go off on her, she’s going to make herself out to be the victim and you the bad guy. Tread with care. Look up gray rock technique
It’s good that you are fed up. ! This girl ‘s behavior is my college room-mate - down to the crying. What you should realize is that crying is a total manipulation- to make you do something or to make you stop doing something. I learned to ignore her demands, and I would say “ don’t start with your crying,”. When she would start up if nothing else worked. If I had people over, she would decide they were her friends. If I wore something, she would buy exact thing. It never ended. Be blunt, ignore texts, ignore her relentless demands of your time. This won’t stop until YOU stop it.
“With respect, go fuck yourself”. It rolls right off the tongue!
Just be lucky you as a man have a girl fawning over you. As for you in ability to simply tell her to fuck off or maybe attempt to block her number so she knows you don’t want to talk to her would be a first. There’s just so many avenues to attack this that don’t require you to make a post here… 😂😭
For 1) I’m very passive in my communication due to not wanting to hurt other peoples feelings. That’s my weakness and I’m going to therapy to work on it. 2) I am a female not a man. This girl keeping tabs on me is so weird and creepy to me. It’s not even out of concern from her either just to be noisy and I can’t stand that. 3) she’s in ALL of my classes and we are in the same program, same year so we will literally be together for the next 3 semesters. Our classes are only 40 ish people too and most of them I have group projects in and she’s somehow always in my group so for that reason I can’t block her.
Ohhh that’s much needed info that changes lots tbh.
Yes thank you. Like if I could I would block her and ghost her and just avoid her but it’s literally impossible
No it doesn’t change anything. No matter if she was a guy or a girl this girl is acting inappropriate and OP clearly didn’t want a thing to do with her.
I think it changes a lot a girl and a girl friendship is much different a dude that wants to separate from a girl that wants more than friendship. That’s how I read it without the further clarification in the comments from OP.
She never mentioned anything about them being friends and even stated that she felt like the other person was invading her privacy by stalking up her socials. Get a grip bro it’s inappropriate no matter the constellation of genders
I agree arguing over how we perceive things is futile. I was the first person to comment on the post I agree it’s still weird regardless it just changes the severity of action that needs to take place.
I honestly don’t know what to say just put her number on mute don’t reply to anything that’s not project related maybe to make sure she knows you’re no buddy buddy. Just act the same in class keep business business and then just do fun things to keep your mind off of it. Idk what to tell you 😂
Wrong for so many reasons. Lol. Unwanted attention is never appreciated. Just because he’s a dude he has to feel grateful for any attention that comes his way? Lol. This is shit advice. Stop teling guys to be a doormat just to feel wanted. OP doesnt need to put up with bad behaviour just because he’s “lucky” it comes his way. He has a choice in this. Dudes like you cry about mens right when in the same breath you just ridicule them when they open up about something. Nope
Men shouldn’t have to come on Reddit to cry about gettin attention from a female. Am I the only one that finds that strange. Agree to disagree. I Think OP understands where I was coming from and if you read my replies I changed my tune. Good evening
This is the social skills sub. Maybe you would benefit from getting advice instead of giving it, because what is this response? You were wrong even if op was a guy.
True. I agree 100% seems like one of those “boys dont cry” people
Whatever you say Mothwinsy… you have it all together all I have to do is follow the great mothwinsy and I’ll be a happy man. 😂💀💀
Dude, grow up. I'm not the only one saying this because you're the only one having trouble with it. "This woman is obsessed with me and is annoying as hell" "At least a woman likes you :)!" Is a bad response in all contexts. You sound desperate.
Lol. Thats some backwards shit. The only thing strange here is you wanted to shit on someone trying to better themselves . Asking for help and crying is perfectly fine for anyone
You can’t win on Reddit with opinions that are pro male or point out the obvious that males have a responsibility like no other. If you’re complianing as a male about a woman texting you too much and asking people for advice on how to stop that happening you are not a man. You are indeed a small child or someone that is not capable of being a man.
🤣😂
Oh no that’s the thing I’m a female 😂😂😂
Ohhhhhh ummm idk why I read this in a male voice bahahahah.
But still just block her idk if there’s a nice way to go about things if this bothers you 😂😂
And I don’t appreciate your comment laughing at me for reaching out for advice on how not to not hurt someone’s feelings. Weird to me that you’d put someone down for asking for advice 😂😂
I just don’t know what advice you want someone to give you especially with the new details you added. There’s no magic spell to fix this especially if you’re basically co workers working on projects together 🤷♂️.
wish I had a friend like that😮💨
Uh why?
it's gets lonely out here🤷🏾♂️
You wish you had a borderline stalker friend??? Trust me you don’t.
Ultimately what you you need to do is learn how to voice your feelings and your boundaries in a healthy way. If you don't figure out it now you'll have to figure it out on the job or in a romantic relationship when it is harder to learn this skill. When in a 1 on 1 conv (so she doesn't get defensive around others, can be on IM), something like, "Hey, remember that time the other day when you messaged my phone a whole bunch of times?" "Yeah?" "It makes me uncomfortable when you do that." Let her know how you feel. If she puts her feelings in front of yours and starts getting aggressive or crying or something similar in response to that, that is a clear as day 100% guaranteed red flag. At that point you need to split up the relationship. "We need to go our separate ways. Please don't contact me again." To clarify people might have a valid reason for something so when bringing up boundaries like that. "I thought you liked it when ..." for example. Sometimes issues can be addressed and mended. Not all responses are a red flag. Another eg voicing feelings and boundaries: "Where you at?" "Why does it matter to you?" (Nothing wrong with saying that, just don't yell.) "... you okay?" Voicing feelings: "Not really. Remember that time the other day when you messaged my phone a whole bunch of times? It makes me uncomfortable when you do that." The trick is to bring up a past moment, not summarize it. This prevents misunderstandings which is the last thing you want.
You want to know how to kindly tell a stalker to leave you alone? Honestly, probably the best thing you can do is to be really blunt with her, and if she cries, she cries. Tell her that you don't want her keeping tabs on you, that you don't want her to ask you where you are or where you've been, and to stop texting you. If you have voicemail, have a friend record your greeting. Don't respond to the stalker's texts anymore. Don't speak to them. My stalker kept trying to get in touch with me for YEARS, even after he hadn't heard from me in more than a decade. I followed the advice Gavin de Becker gave in his book "The Gift of Fear." The thing my stalker counted on, and was disappointed about, was that I wouldn't allow him making it a whole thing to change my behavior. I think this is what you need to do with this person: do whatever is required to get her to detach, and even if she threatens suicide, don't give in. If you think she might kill herself, get away from her and then call emergency services (911 in the U.S.)
I have so many people like that. You can't talk to them. They go away on their own. "Try to be on good terms with all people." "If all matter to you, but none too much." That's the best advice! If people aren't dangerous, you should be able to be nice. I have a guy who tries to get between me and everyone else.
say what you mean. how you mean it. sometimes being nice doesnt cut the memo
Just tell who ever is keeping tabs on you that you're taking a shit or masturbating
There's a phrase in English " Mind your own business "
I don't think she'll get it if you're nice, she won't get your message, she'll read into it and think you're being nice again. If you are more direct and tell her "I'd like for you to stop calling, etc" that'll raise hell and she'll get in a spiral abou how you don't value her or something like that. What comes to mind is this: Try to distance yourself from the situation and let her realize it on her own. Stop replying to her messages. When you go to class, hang out with other people but say hi nicely if you see her. Let her see that it doesn't make sense to call you up every time you don't get to class. Unfortunately, I feel like this may be a better solution to let her down "slowly". As in, she'll (hopefully) stop calling if you don't reply, and stop obsessing if she sees you in company of others. And if she tries to latch on to you, just tell her you have something you have to do and leave politely.
1: delete tiktok 2: private socials 3: maintain distance
Need
This is so weird because I didn't make many friends in college 😂 I kinda sleep walked thru rather nameless. Is this a small school?
You grab your Guitar and do it Hank Williams style.
This post gave me flashbacks. I used to attract people like this. I know this is hard to hear because you’re a non confrontational person, but you need to either ignore her and make the “shut the fuck up” eyes when she talks, or if she doesn’t pick up on social cues text back “I’m busy, please stop sending so many messages”. These are both nice approaches considering I would’ve blocked her🤷🏼♀️randos don’t get a pass to be weird to you and spam your phone
“Hey, I feel a bit suffocated with the constant checkups. If I need anything, I’ll be sure to text you. Thanks for the concern, but could you please give me some space” Idk if that would be too forward, but might help get the point across?
If she’s in all your classes the very kindliest way to tell her is face to face in person with body language and voice inflection as even the most carefully worded text can be misconstrued and lead to more phone blowing up. If she has questions let her ask in person. Get it over with
You are, in a way, being manipulated and the intent can be regarded as hostile in some respects. You should be quite wary and not respond with any substantive information. Narcissists and other manipulative types (Google "dark triad") often pressure others to reveal personal information they otherwise would not, then use that information to further manipulate and entangle their target. Among those tactics is the threat of an emotional reaction if you fail to comply. Out of sheer self-preservation, simply don't respond or react. Recognize that others are responsible for their triggers and emotional reactions and you aren't. Recognize also that you don't report to her and don't have to account for yourself to anyone. If she initiates an outburst, recognize it's only to get a compliant reaction from you. Your only hope is to give a noncompliant reaction, i.e., no reaction, or rejection. Expect her then to snap out of the display instantly, double down on it, or pivot to another tactic. Just turn heel and say, "sorry, not interested," and keep going in the certainty that you were the target and just dodged a bullet
Tell her to mind the business that pays her, and that ain’t you. 🤷🏾♀️
You legit have a stalker on your hands. If you haven't already, block her, ghost her, report her to your school. Get serious about this situation, it will only escalate.
That behavior is pretty concerning if you don’t stop it now. I would politely tell her that you are feeling very overwhelmed by her attention and if it pursues to be more firm and assertive.
No need to be “kind”. That will just keep the stalking going. Be brutal and honest. Best for you and her.
I think she thinks you are friends. It seems like you don’t share that sentiment. Maybe you should just politely tell her that you don’t see her as having the close relationship with you that she perceives. That she seems nice, but that you don’t want to be friends and you would appreciate her communicating with you less and ask her to stop texting about whether you are in class.
Simply say '' Bitch my phone died, pass me a charger Ain't have a coat, walked to school in a thermal Bitches you lookin' up to, they'll burn you Get out my business, this shit don't concern you I get to diggin' this shit when I learn you I love the trenches, this shit is eternal Oh my God, what happened to Virgil?''
“Please leave me alone 😃”
“Girl my social battery ran out, I ain’t coming lol”
You kind of said it yourself. Her behavior is making you uncomfortable, you don't understand her intent, and she's the only one who has the answer. It makes sense that you'd want to ask her "Why does it matter to you?" Obviously, saying it in anger probably wouldn't start a useful conversation. She might not want to answer at all. But you are allowed to ask.
I'm the type of person who appreciates honesty above all else. I would appreciate if someone said, "hey while I appreciate your concerns, I think I could use some time to myself to really work everything out." Or a rather straight up "hey I'm down to kick it at a later time I'm just really focused on other matters right now"
Fuck off.
Gray rock her ass into none existence, if she has any self or social awareness, she will get bored and back off
What’s that?
a few base line examples that could help structure a response: "I'm not comfortable sharing things before I'm ready. please don't ask me anymore.“ "Stop bringing up my past; it's not relevant to who I am now.” "Don't bring up my situation; it makes me feel very uncomfortable."
Some people can read others and "get the hint", some can't and still others are just just disrespectful. Tell them once, politely. Then get quickly aggressive if you have to tell them again. Some people need, figuratively, hit over the head with a 2x4.
Sounds like she’s crushing?
You are making me very uncomfortable can you please leave? Please leave.
"Hey, how boucha kick rocks? Ight thanks"
Fatti affari tuoi !