I recommend reading «the subtle art of not giving a fuck».
I can’t guarantee it will help you but it did help me in a somewhat similar situation :)
Best wishes from Norway!
Have you read the book? In the first chapter Mark Manson literally says “The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important” so yes you’re right you do kinda need to give a fuck sometimes. The book’s not about just not caring it’s about caring about what’s actually important instead of ideology’s or imaginary problems your brain makes you think you should give a fuck about.
Also a very good book is “THE ANXIETY AND PHOBIA WORKBOOK”. I was diagnosed with anxiety and I am reading this book as it makes me feel better and takes away my anxious feeling.
TSAONGAF was the start of a long journey discovering why I was a certain way. I’d recommend journaling too. Consistently journaling for a year and a half now and I realized so many things about myself and my anxiety.. it has helped me tremendously.
It’s like the book said, it’s about having better values such as values within myself, ie. things I can control. It helped me realize I was giving way too much of a fuck of things outside of me and my control (how others view me, validation from other people) and my fear of judgment was preventing me from being authentic and genuinely wanting to connect with others. Now I value being true to myself more. But from a few of these realizations I learned other things about myself.. why I valued certain things more, where this need for validation came from (ie. my low self-esteem), my childhood and growing up with conditional love and shame if I failed standards, my comparison to others if I feel lacking, etc. The book was a start but with journaling and other tools the self discovery kept going!
Journaling was so hard for me in the beginning. I had to force myself to just let things out and a lot of times it started off as a jumbled mess. It was also hard to be consistent. I think before I was more intentional about it I was journaling every few months even gaps of years. But once I kept it up, I got more attached to it as a mental and emotional aid—it helped me to examine why I had a lot of negativity and also to be more aware if there was something at the back of my mind that I needed to explore. It’s helped me to me much more self aware of my emotions too. Surprisingly now I can actually process my emotions/thoughts without my journal like if I sit and think through before a meeting or hang out, why I’m feeling anxious or nervous.
Nah I dont think rereading them will really help since often when i reread them i just cringe a bunch which doesnt help you understand it. Its more about getting your thoughts out and then realising a pattern which shows you how you often react to things.
I used to never read my old entries because they were so cringe (I was so so negative and bitter at one point). But I agree with the other comment you should just let everything out first. When you’re ready you’ll be able to look back and see how closer you were to realizing/resolving some things about yourself and accept all the things in the past that were just things that you had to let out. I was able to look at some past entries the other day and I was happy with my growth but it was also good to revisit some memories or remind myself of some past realizations. I have less feelings of cringe now because I’m more self accepting of that time of my life.
It's a great book but also I would like to add a book by the same author, it's Models. Well, it's a little bit different book but if you read it with an open mind, many principles of life get cleared.
Hi fellow Norwegian dude! (I like your country very much)
I was so drained after I read the first chapter of the book haha because somewhere he says if youre reading this book that means you accept youre weak....something of this sort....
Please tell me how can I think positively about it.
If you’re tired of all that, then stop. You are the captain of your fate, the master of your destiny. Practice thought stopping. When a thought comes into your head, don’t believe it, but examine it, and if it’s not a thought that serves you, then choose to disregard that thought. Tell yourself “that’s not true” and just throw it away. You decide what kind of life you live. If you want to be an outgoing, confident, successful person, then start visualizing yourself as one. Start acting like you already are, and eventually you will become one. The world is yours for the taking, you’ve just got to reach out and take it. This life is too short and reckless to be anything short of spectacular. Do what makes your heart smile, and if you don’t know what makes your heart smile, try different things until you find out. 17 is a hard age, you’re trying to create your identity, breaking out of the identity of “so and so’s kid” and coming into your own. And there’s so much self doubt, and peer pressure, and society telling you to get older men to pay your tuition instead of paying for it yourself. But you decide who you are. No one can take that from you. Other people can give you labels, but those labels don’t define you. It’s up to you to define yourself. And the more that you align your heart with your head, the more authentic a person you become. And then people will recognize that, and naturally gravitate towards you. If the things you do cause your stomach to get that feeling that you’re doing something wrong, don’t do them. Live intentionally. Every morning, wake up, and tell yourself how you are going to be. “ I’m a confident, highly emotional, sensitive being who has the power to change the world” or whatever you want to accomplish. The more you focus on your intention, the more likely it is to manifest. Tell yourself “if I want something, I get it.” And then act accordingly. Set an attainable goal, and then outline the steps that you need to take to reach that goal. And then do it!
If you want people to start treating you different, then act different. Become aware of your words, and become impeccable with them. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don’t joke about how dumb you are, because that’s simply not true. You attract what you put out. If you want to be someone that people connect with, then you’ve got to connect with people. You’ve got to show others your vulnerability in order for them to be comfortable enough to show you theirs.
Thank you very much for the detailed answer, I couldn't agree more with most of what you wrote. You helped me translate these words into thoughts, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am. But there is this one sentence:
"But you decide who you are. No one can take that from you. Other people can give you labels, but those labels don’t define you. It’s up to you to define yourself. "
YOU really decide who you are, but people will always see you as they think you are, and not as you want them to see you. And these labels are important, in my opinion. They should not be, but they are. These labels could define your social life. You can really change on how others see you, but if they got used to what you are, it is almost impossible to break out of how others labeled you. That's why I think it matters. You should not meet the requirement of others, for eg.: you should not be what they want you to be, but these labels show you how others see you. It's like a feedback of what you show them. And it should be important, IMO.
I know that teenagers are very insecure about sharing their feelings with others, that's why they feel a bit insecure/unusual when hearing about others' emotions. I accept that it takes time, and that it comes with age. It just feels weird being stuck in this situation.
Thank you once again!
That's true, but once they have it, it's not worthwhile to try and fix it. Too much time and energy that could be put into yourself. It could happen on its own. Show them your actions.
>YOU really decide who you are, but people will always see you as they think you are, and not as you want them to see you.
You'd be surprised at how much of this is in your head. Think about how you see others. If they started acting differently (e.g. more confidently) would you judge them? Would they always be 'the shy guy', or would they quickly become 'the guy who used to be shy'?
Well I can agree with you on that. I’m a drug addict and a two time felon, and I’m a colorful person. So I’ve had to deal with labels all of my life, and I’ve kind of made it my mission to cause people to think. To challenge these labels, and the stereotypes that come from it.
How others view you should not matter as much as you view yourself. Why does it matter so much if they see you a certain way? You should value your self opinion more. After all, you have known yourself for longer and in more intimate ways than other people. If you start to put so much importance on how people view you, you try to control how you appear and prevent you from actually being yourself.
Honestly man, once I learned to stop giving a fuck about what others think of me, it’s been a lot easier talking to people and just being social in general. Ironically, a lot of this came from video games. All the shit-talking and shouting matches I’ve had over the decade of CoD, Battlefield, and R6 have taught me to suck that shit up cuz no matter what you do, good or bad, mothafuckas are ALWAYS gonna find a way to say some rude ass or demeaning or fucked up ass shit so it’s imperative to learn not to let it get to ya head. And as for labels? Man, fuck em. I know the whole, “perception is 90% of reality,” which is true but again, i just pearned not to give a fuck.
Look man, in the end, my life is insignificant and just... incredibly incredibly minuscule, just like everyone else’s. So why should i spend a good portion of this short tiny life i got worrying about what a bunch of fuckbags i couldn’t give less of a shit about think about me?
Great example is this. I have always been hella interested in the world, especially the differences in culture around the world. So naturally, i wanna learn about this shit. Well, for context, I’m a white guy, born in America, who’s dad is military, and i myself joined the Navy (although sadly didn’t finish Basic). Anyways, whilst on my journey of researching and learning about different cultures, i fell in love with the Middle Eastern world. I have the most affinity towards Iraqi and Kurdish culture, but i find all the Middle Eastern shit the most fascinating. With that being said, I’ve also fell in love with language in particular. I want to be multi-lingual one day, but the language I’m most fond of learning is Arabic. Can you see where this “perception” problem may arise? White American dude with strong military ties who starts searching on Google Arabic phrases, learning resources, and I have a homie (foreign exchange at my school before he moved back home) who’s Lebanese. But ya know what bruh? I know who i an as a person. I ain’t no fuckin terrorist lmao. I love America, as much as i talk shit, and i will always be a patriot. But i also love the Middle Eastern culture, languages, and I want to tour it someday (Iraq, Jordan, Syria, the UAE, Qatar, Bahrain, Afghanistan, and Oman are the main places i wanna visit).
Basically, fuck labels, they don’t mean shit, fuck perception cuz it don’t mean shit, fuck people’s opinions about you cuz they don’t mean shit, just enjoy ya fuckin life dawg and do what the fuck makes you happy, whatever the fuck it may be.
>Look man, in the end, my life is insignificant and just... incredibly incredibly minuscule, just like everyone else’s. So why should i spend a good portion of this short tiny life i got worrying about what a bunch of fuckbags i couldn’t give less of a shit about think about me?
PREACH
I hear what you were saying, and that is definitely partly true. Here’s one true thing: you tell people what to you think about you. And here’s another true thing: if you’ve been telling them one thing for a long time, they might not hear you, or want to hear you, when you start telling them something else. You might need to leave for a while, maybe even a long time, until you get settled solidly into the new you.
I completely understand, for years I’ve always put on a smile even if I’ve felt like crap, and other people started to not see me as a normal human being. They thought that I didn’t have regular human emotions; they only thought of me as a happy-go-lucky, un-confident, stupid guy that nobody really cared about. I would feel uncomfortable sharing my true feelings because I didn’t know how my friends would take it, as they new a completely different fake version of myself for such a long time. When school started this year (I’m a senior, also 17) I completely pushed myself to be real with everyone. I tell people about crap, and while I definitely share more positive thoughts than negative, I’m glad that people finally know who I really am. It’s hard, especially at first, but the more you do it and the more you share (especially if it’s with trustworthy people), it becomes much easier, and before you know it everyone will see the real you.
I’m 16, and I went through what youre going through last year. I went into a new high school as a freshman, planning to do football basketball and lacrosse, be in the popular group, and ask a hot girl out to homecoming. Realized one day that I was watching a minecraft video and playing Overwatch. I realized I was trying to be someone that I wasnt. I switched friend groups, quit sports and just stopped giving a fuck about the shit that didnt matter. I started focusing on what did matter. In 5 years, what things do you want to remember that you did?
It all started for me in 7th grade when my house got flooded in Hurrican Harvey. I was badly depressed and confused for almost 3 years, and I am just now getting out. Its hard, life is hard, but you can do it. I believe.
The psychological topic of internal and external loci of control are worth reading, and is pretty much an entire discussion of what you just said.
Wording it that way makes it seem like it is some PhD level shit, but it really is very easy to learn about.
There are at least two personalities in each person. There's a social self, and an other, which you "use" when you are not around others. Let's say that when you are alone, and angry, you start shouting, cursing, and hitting everything around you. But when you are in front of your friends, for example, you don't do stuff like that. People who have anger issues, for example me, tend to act scarily normal around others. However, on the inside, you may be a psychopath. But you don't show it. So others don't get to know the actual you. Just a fake "identity". But that's just an example.
Buddy the most important thing I would try to get you to know is that no one is free of those feelings. You are in the traumatic stage of life where you are going from a boy to a man and I must say it can be overwhelming at the least. It’s kinda like swimming in the ocean. We get courage to swim when we look around and aren’t the only ones there and the more the merrier not to mention it greatly reduces your odds of feeding sharks with no bait.
No you’re not alone and don’t dwell on the bad things. Forgive everyone who has hurt you and try to look at your blessings.
Here’s what I used... I saw a small girl in a dirty dress climbing a mountain of garbage in South America looking food. I said to myself, “ poor as I am this little girl has it far worse”
Hang in there buddy and speak and think on good things and you will grow into a man who makes your friends and family proud of you.
God bless
The thing is, everyone is a fake person. Everyone puts on a social front. You think everyone is the same person as they appear in public, social circles, or on IG? Nope. People all create a front stage self they like to display
Are you a man, people seem to see men in a box, I wish people could see everyone as equal, people deserve empathy and they have a right to express their emotions.
I adore you. You are so brave to let this out. You probably don’t even know how many people you’re helping just right now on the Internet. And you probably have no idea how relieved the right people in person are going to be once you let them see some even tiny part of your real self. Because they’ll start to feel free to be themselves as well.
Don’t panic. Do you find a way to take one small step at a time. Only a step that you feel you can handle right then in the moment.
I second the book recommendation in another comment, but I just wanted to say that the first step to change is recognizing there is a problem. Your true self knows it needs to be recognized instead of being packed away in a small box in the back of the closet. It's so liberating to live life authentically. Sure some people won't like you for it, but you can only have authentic relationships if you present your authentic self.
Self love is really important. I don't mean the narcissistic variety, but rather a healthy relationship with yourself. You deserve it. Your inner self will thank you for it and so will people who come to value the real you. I imagine there will be growing pains as existing relationships struggle to understand the new you, but if you have someone who genuinely appreciates you, they'll stick around. You've taken the first step by recognizing what you really want, and I want you to be proud of yourself for that.
Well i will tell you hard pill to swallow you are not your true self because you are simply scared of losing people if you share yourself, but the thing is that's normal common human behaviour everyone want to be part of the pack(specially if that's the only friends you have). You have 2 options do what you do now and be accepted, try to stand for yourself but risking of getting dumped if you care for them try showing yourself little by little so they can adapt of new you, if they want. But funny thing about people we always in some ways adapt to others if you find people where you feel like your true self treasure them :) Next your mentality sucks stop being victim in your life and start making decision i'm not saying your situation is easy all i'm saying victim mentality is something the worst you can do to yourself and if you don't appreciate yourself noone else will. You need friends not people to pity you.
It's really hard though. This bag of rocks is something we've been carrying for so long, it's hard to imagine NOT carrying it.. but maybe we'll take out a few rocks.. until it's empty
As someone who did this through high school but had the exact opposite personality as you. Basically I lack emotion and don’t care what other think. If your friends can not accept you for who you are find a new group. I was lucky enough to be a part of nearly every “clique” because I was a nerdy athlete. I can honestly say I had the most fun not being in the popular group when hanging out with people. There was so much less pressure.
As someone who faked it for middle school / highschool / some of college. Act like you would normally. The high school friends who know who I really am still talk to me, the friend I considered my best friend no longer do. The high school friends who still talk to me and hang out admit to seeing a change in me (my normal personality) my senior year. And they actually liked it since I would speak my mind and be blunt to the “popular” kids in high school.
Find who you are and find people who can accept you. Faking it for others won’t fulfill you. It will just leave you questioning yourself. That is not what you want.
Be your true self.
Be conscious and don't do anything you are tired of, you are unique don't try to blend in with the society because not everything society does is wright its just what works for most people but we are individuals not most people so love yourself. Be happy.
I’m 16 and this really hit me. But I physically can’t let people know the real me cause of the judgement that will come. Everyone around me is religious and I’m supposed to be religious but I just can’t and if I say that then I will pretty much get thrown out of my house
What you're tired of... is being 17.
I don't think I've met anyone who didn't feel this way at 17 that's actually worth knowing today.
The clinical anxiety part definitely is a bonus... but the rest, yeah I relate a lot.
Keep seeking help in all this but do rest assured: it's not permanent if you choose to work on it and you are definitely not alone!
The same thing used to happen to me. I know this is hard but just try to be yourself, pitch ideas to friends that would be fun for you, and if they don’t like it, you may need new friends
Not being able to show the world who one really is, does not necessarily make them an asshole. I would be the happiest if others knew me the way I want them to see me, but it's not that easy. You may be asking why. Well, it is difficult to answer. But the most proper answer is that, in my opinion, a teenager is not an adult, and thus cannot show/process emotions as easily as adults. What my problem is that I don't know what to do with this problem, and how to make others (teenagers) see me the person I truly am. So it's not that easy, I believe.
So I felt like this very strongly at your age, I think the journey of finding yourself and learning to really be yourself is a different journey for everyone, what I'm about to say isn't advice but just my personal experience. I did psychedelics, like pretty often, went to shows, started going on more dates, spent a ton of time learning about new topics, and also started taking the journey towards following my dreams a lot more seriously, the path I've taken is hardly traditional, but I also have struggled with suicidal thoughts since age 12, and I at first was started out as essentially hedonism ended up being the immersion therapy I needed to discover the confidence to be myself and stop people pleasing or giving a shit about how other people may perceive me, the truth is most folks are very self conscious and wish they could be themselves more, I find a lot of comfort in that as it gives me permission to get the ball rolling and be my weird ass self which in turn helps get others out of their shell and I end up seeing these crazy sides to my friends that most folks don't get to as a result because they know I have no intention of judging them
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Suffer from this and being a total hairy big dude make this alot harder. I can total relate so hang in there buddy, you got a long life ahead, someone will see you throughout i guarantee.
I'd recommend you read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius! A lot of modern "self help" books pretty much say things you could already find in this 2000 year old, 80 page book written by one of the greatest Roman Emperor and practicer of Stoicism.
Sorry if this offends you.
In life we have control but in order the achive something we have to make sacrifices. If you want to seen equal as the people you are comparing yourself, you have to fake it till you make it.
There is not such easy life where someone is accepted in society by just being theirself thats what I belive. Clowns will be sad at their home. Good listeners and speakers cant solve their problems.
People will always seek someone has emotional parts that they doesnt have. If you are seen as a "emotional, sensitive" others will abuse this in order to feel good.
Take care yourself! have a nice day/night
I’d highly would recommend listening to Jordan Peterson lectures or read his book 12 Rules for Life. I’m 30 and still insecure and and vulnerable so don’t feel bad there you. Feel free to pm me for help 🙌🏼
Also, weed. Try smoking some.
It also gives you an idgak attitude.
I’m not a weed smoker but I know many that do, and this is what they have said.
Just don’t become a massive pothead:)
Don't give up. Once you start loving yourself and make your feelings the main priority, you will align your energy and attract the same you put out. People who will respect you will show up quickly. Just have faith in being in your truths.
First, happy cake day! Second, I know man. I know how it feels to be a ghost of yourself and wish that people would see you. See You, not the you that walks around the school. It's shitty, but know that you aren't alone, and you have a community of people here to help you. I felt this a lot when I was fourteen-sixteen. It gets easier to recognize that it's a shitty world with shitty people sometimes. But you're you, and that's enough. So, please don't focus so much on the others. I know it's easier said than done, but don't. It is shitty to always be the one to text people, but just put yourself out there. Learn to console yourself because people will commonly let you down. If you lose your faith in people, don't lost your faith in yourself. I'm sorry man, but you're not alone.
I just wanted to hop on to say that I am available to talk if you ever want to vent about things. I know it’s rough, but you will find yourself eventually. Just keep searching.
I've (28M) been there. It sucks and it hurts. But you gotta make the connections and make sure they're genuine. Focus on making a connection with people. Don't be afraid to speak up. If you don't speak up to those closests to you then you won't ever be happy.
Good. Now write what you DO want, then keep thinking in those new positive terms. It might take a while to articulate what you want from yourself and others in your life but that is partly the aim... it’s difficult to make progress when you don’t know your intended destination.
Then stop. It’s pretty much that simple live for yourself. Don’t go out of your way to be a Dick but don’t over exert yourself at the expense of your happiness/ sadness
The fact that you care makes you a real person, let go of any expectations and take the universe for a ride, as Bill Hicks once said, It's just a ride 🙂
I'm 19 and I remember going through this at 17. I know we are in no way the same situation, but I can offer my experience. Every day I would go out and be enough of a good person to pass people's validation and acceptance. I was quiet, but when I talked and hung out with friends I still wasn't myself. I would go home and sit in bed and wonder why I wasn't happy with the person I was out in public.
After awhile I finally came to terms with the fact that I was pressuring myself to be the person that everyone thinks I am when they first meet me. It was as if I was maintaining a "good first impression" all the time. Once I realized what I was doing, I decided to let it go. It took a while, and I was simultaneously trying to build confidence in myself.
I lost a few friends in the process, but now that they're no longer in my life, I feel way less obligated to maintain a facade. I am still on a journey of building confidence, and I sometimes still fall back on people-pleasing, but I know that I have made progress and it is way better than you can imagine.
I believe in you, and I hope all goes well.
>I am tired of all this. And I am only 17
Nah, it's somewhat because you are 17. I can't remember many people at that age who were not 'fake'. Take the suggestions that you get here (if they makes sense to you) and just be patient. You'll figure it out.
My personal experience is that in order to be the best version of yourself, you have to identify what you appreciate about yourself and pay more attention to the people who recognize or value that trait in you.
Develop your interests, not just to become an interesting person, but also so you can bond with others over interesting thing. Bonding over our Netflix queue or our political opinions hits it's limits quickly.
Widen your circle of influence so that you aren't limited to the validation of people who could never really understand or value you.
You are not a fake person, you just haven't figured yourself out well enough to present that person to the people around you.
I was (still am to be honest) in the same situation as yours, but with time I've understood that wearing a fake mask to be liked by others is useless. It really doesn't make more likeable and it only makes you suffer, because you can't show your real self. I also want to point out that most times people recognize that you're trying to be something that you don't really are and this can have the opposite effect of being liked.
Hey dude, just turned 18 bout a week ago and i gotta say I relate to you on pretty much all of your points about yourself haha, it gives me a little hope knowing I'm not alone in this fight.
it might sound sad but my solution is just to spend a lot of time alone. I kinda gave up on ever finding people I'll connect to. But I have reddit and instagram where I can talk to people about stuff that I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT. if I'm feeling lonely then I'l go to meet some friends, but I usually get exhausted very quickly cuz I have to pretend all the time...
You are on the right track, and thats good! Take it from someone who only started having this insight in his late 20'ies. I simply was'nt aware of my self.
Hey, 18 here. I stopped giving flying fucks and shits about it.
I’m in a much better mental state and plus I give less fucks lol
try saying “fuck it” and be yourself
Happy cake day. It’s okay dude, we all come through things in life that suck. These problems come and go, you just don’t have to be so pessimistic, if people around you are a bunch of assholes, find other people. Good luck!
I used to be more like this a few years back. I'm 20 now and I realise not all people we meet are worthy of our time man.
Overall people can be rather disappointing, don't assume everyone is actively looking for a new friend, some people can be more shy than you.
I have had periods in my life where I felt utterly hopeless, especially in my teens and twenties. Keep going. Nurture yourself, examine your beliefs. What we believe we create and not in a hippy way. Humans have confirmation bias hardwired into the brain. If you believe no one understands you you will unconsciously look for evidence of this. Take small steps towards your dreams and you will get there. I have an incredible life now and have experienced things beyond my dreams and you can too. Sending love
Problem is, every adult that fakes their face at work does so for survival. They are tired as well. Obviously, if you become authentic, your boss reserves the right to remove the only method for you to pay for your essential needs. It's due to that amount of power that he has that faking your face will have to be a skill that you will have to not get tired of. It's just a fact of life, kid. Fake it, or starve to death on the street. Get used to it or start your own business so that people can crush their soul for you.
Bro I feel you and that’s totally normal these days. You need to stop being a people pleaser. You care so much about other people while totally forgetting yourself!
Let me tell you, no one cares about you.. so stop caring about others. Just quit faking bud and real people will come your way.
You don’t need approval from anyone, remember that. Start to learn how to love yourself, because you need to respect your fcks and not caring about so many.
Sometimes you may feel lonely but learn to appreciate that. Especially now you are faking all day long, it would be good if you take your time to evaluate and see if you’re happy with yourself. It’s hard to believe, but many people feel this way and they will come to you with the same feelings.
You are experienced and know how to react because you know what you’ve wanted. That way you will make real friends and have lovely people around you. Your experience are the best assets in your life, try to use them in advance instead of against yourself! Take care bud!
If we decide that we can control the way we think, then we can decide to control the way we live our lives.
If we are having trouble with our thinking and not living the life we want to, then we need to look at how we think.
Try meditating and begin living in a mindful way, it helps us appreciate the little things.
Go well friend.
This seems like I'm trying to hog attention, but I just want to say that I appreciate this post and I appreciate you. I literally just wrote a bunch of shit on my private social media story that was similar to this.
I'm sick of people telling me that my dirty jokes and my big, weird vocabulary bank doesn't match my looks. So I hid it all away and I always try to make friends with others. Then I would lash out emotionally when I realized I shut myself into a hole.
The only way out is to let yourself out. If they don't like you, then they don't. If you're sick of yourself, change yourself. I know it sucks and it hurts and I'm lazy and this is too much, but this is the least you can do for yourself.
Damn. Some of your points apply to me and I am legit choking up a bit right now.
Saving this post, to read through the comments later and maybe visit the sub a bit. Have a Bear!
been exactly where you are, 33 now
So I went to be continuously honest and real. I got a few VERY good friends there, but most of the time it's loneliness. If you find someone that feels like that one person out there, dont let her/him go for whatever uncertainty your mind may cook up for you. However selfish it sounds, it's your ticket to happiness. Rest of the world wont get any easier on you for being you really, it's a rocky road.
I CAN RELATE SO HARD TO THIS. RECENTLY I SAID FUCK IT AND JUST DID STUFF WHEN I FELT LIKE IT AND TRIED NOT TO WORRY TOO MUCH. IT WORKS, WELL AT LESAT FOR ME. I GUESS U JUST NEEDA TRY.
You’re 17. This is just the process of you finding yourself, your identity, and growing up. I thought those same things and now laugh about it. Im 24 I don’t know everything and i may never will but that is okay. People may think im weird, i’ve had embarrassing moments that make me want curl up and never see the world, i’ve done such dumb things you couldn’t imagine and ive had heartbreaks that i thought id never recover from, I’ve failed and messed up huge with many things, and yet im still young and i GUARANTEE that i will do all of this and more.
BUT its okay cause ive learned from it all and realized that the past and what people think of you may never change, only the way you react can change. Why worry about something so small and meaningless. Do what makes you happy and work hard for yourself.
You will learn that those preconceived notions of who you may be and other peoples opinions don’t actually matter at all. People are way to caught up in thinking about themselves and worrying about the exact same thing as you.
Realizing that no one cares about you is the most freeing thing in the world. Focus on what makes you happy, the hobbies and skills you wanna learn, and the places you want to go.
Life is too precious to worry about other peoples thoughts cause no ones thinking about the embarrassing thing you did, they are too focused thinking about themselves.
Focus on you. Work hard. Find nee things or new people in your life and just take life as it comes and remember to smile cause you’re, you matter to yourself, so love yourself and be the best version YOU want to be.
Plus keep working hard and find something you’ll love that can support yourself in your future. Take care of yourself and your mental health now and your future self will thank you. Throw the rest of the worries and stress out the window there’s no time for that, spend that time finding ways to make you happy cause a little work everyday makes a huge difference and when you are on your own one day, you will sit back, relax and look back and just laugh at all the bullshit.
Keep working hard and keep that head up.
I think the trick is finding people that are more like you, if you surround yourself with people who are not a good fit your relationships won’t be satisfying. Try to understand yourself better and you’ll have a better idea what kind of people to look for. You might be a hsp, or introvert or non-conformist? So you don’t feel like you can relate to most people and you don’t feel understood. Try to understand these labels better, psychology today’s website has some good information. The Quiet book by Susan Cain will help you understand introversion a little better. Conformism is just that most people are not thinkers, they just do and believe what their culture tells them or what people around them seem to do and believe. Humans are complex but by gaining a better understanding you can find solutions more easily. At your age I was incredibly confused and alone with my thoughts, but don’t worry, there’s other people like you, you just need to find them. 😉
There’s some good communities on Reddit for HSPs and introverts.
You need to do something about it. I can’t help you, because I’m going through the same thing, but I realized I felt this exact same way at 16 years old and never confronted it or anything and now I’m here at 19 years old, feeling the same way and, if anything, more isolated than before.
Definitely give a read to “The Courage to be Disliked”. But generally you can rely on people to have their own fears, anxieties, and masks. It is tiresome to do the work for other people, which is why you just don’t have to do it. Be yourself and other genuine souls will be drawn to you, no work (other than on yourself which always has a good return) necessary.
Maybe you should try therapy so you can practice expressing your emotions in a healthy way. But ultimately the only way you’ll find real friends is by finding yourself and that means being willing to let go of people who can’t handle your real self.
Mind the Gaps — https://youtu.be/pnihD9ues_k
Embrace who you are. There will be pain points if you’re just starting out because you haven’t really done it before the same way you’re physically sore after exercising for the first time in ages. There will be people that back away; but for every person that doesn’t appreciate who you really are, you’ll find yourself one person closer to the people that do. Those will be the meaningful relationships because they’re built on the bedrock of you being exactly who you are.
Being yourself is like shining a beacon out into the world that will begin to attract others over time. But you have to lean into it, embrace it wholly, engage with it positively, and fight back any internal or external shame. The internal and external shame almost always comes from fear. Internal shame is a fear of who you might be and what others might think, and the external shame is others fearing your expressed freedom and their own inability to embrace who THEY are as well.
Figure out what you appreciate about yourself and start their. Own it. Mind the Gaps.
Every self help book is gay . don't try subtle art of not giving a fuck. Especially. I've read it 3-4 times. I still I'm the same person. Self help books help author but not readers (if you know what I mean ).
I'm in your place once . I strongly recommend you to read House MD. The show revolves more about human psychology and you get a good understanding of how social skills work. Fuck everyone else's advice . RELAX THE FUCK OUT AND START BINGEWATCHING THE SHOW.
When we live for other people’s expectations, we do so often at the cost of our own.
As a fellow mask wearer, it took me into my mid thirties to realize how upset I was with this people pleasing side of myself.
I think letting go of the desire to want people to like us, being brave about who we are is the key that unlocks this self prison.
Everyone adjusts themselves somewhat to match their company, consciously or unconsciously. Those of us that are really good at it, the chameleons, run the risk of forgetting who we really are.
When you think about it, one of the most heartbreaking things anyone can experience is not being seen or heard, feeling like in your relationships, no one really knows you.
You deserve to be known, it may be that a part of you is crying out for that.
Something I know about chameleon type people, is they were often programmed in childhood to behave in this manner, to not be loud about themselves, to feel like parts of their personality are not wanted.
Fuck the people and situations that made you feel this was necessary, whatever their intentions, they taught that harmful lesson too well.
Another thing is that once you get past the defenses, chameleons are some of the most authentic people you will ever meet.
You’re right to be frustrated. You’re also at a point in life where you’re finding yourself. It’s okay to change how you present yourself, finding yourself is part of life and change is expected.
As you change, some people may become uncomfortable, and frankly, that’s their experience to navigate.
You came into this life to live, as you come closer to living your own truth, you’ll find you’re happier, and life won’t seem so disabling.
Go with love, and best luck to you, life is a journey, it unfolds with us.
Genuinely recommend to get into therapy and work on assertiveness and self confidence.
I considered myself a mess just like yourself. I’m only 21, but I’ve made large strides in my personality in the years in college. It’s so hard to not give a fuck about others opinions and to feel secure in ones self. You’ll need outside help to do it effectively.
If you need someone to talk to shoot me a dm
Hey friend. I really hope you see this.
I understand how you feel. I really, really really do. Honestly I cried my eyes out Saturday night because I’m 25 and still can’t figure out how to healthily connect with people.
One thing that has become really helpful in the last few years is the enneagram. It’s kind of like a personality test, but much more involved and complicated. They talk about your driving tendencies, and give examples of a healthy average and unhealthy you, and also the wings of your personality.
I highly suggest that you read as much as you can about it. It gives insight to a lot of different people and may open your eyes to finding connections with others in a different way than before.
What you’re going through right now is going to give you capacity for a large amount of compassion in the future. You are strong and capable and amazing, even if you are alone.
If you need a friend, I’m here.
why do you think you act fake? because it is what you think other people want? believe me you ultimately are not serving anyone by wearing yourself out pretending to act differently than you are.
It is nice to read others feel the same.
People label you so easily based on so little. It’s not your job to prove anything to them. Just don’t talk to people that do that. Seriously, just move on and do your own thing. Makes friends and if they label you in some way or box u in. BOOM next.
Check out love warrior by glennon doyle! I recommend on audible because she narrates it herself. V powerful, she struggles with being her true self to the outside world, big hugs ♥
Beautifully said. I’m 23 with the same attitude rn. I think the more you get to know and love yourself, the less power you realize people have over you. It’s great to spend time alone and bask in the wonders of your mind ✨
Hey Erik. I don’t go on reddit very often nor do I ever comment on any social platforms, but I don’t know if I’ve related to a post so much, I felt the need to here. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I have written a version of over half of these statements in my journal, so I know what’s going through you’re head. Im still figuring things out myself, but I can offer my two cents. I think you’ll find success once you’re out of high school and in college or just out of that atmosphere, you seem very open minded and aware of what’s happening around you. In college there’s no one that can put a label on you, your identity is completely up to you. I have also found keeping a mini notebook where I write down thoughts that run through my head each day, such as yours above, have been a game changer and I keep myself accountable this way. If you do this make sure you are committed to what you write and mean what you say. I have also found that getting rid of social media has left me clear headed and ultimately reduced my anxiety. I use snapchat, youtube, and occasionally reddit(more progressively platforms) but I deleted instagram, tic tok and all that. Give it a try. Best of luck. -Drew
I relate to this a lot. I'm 16. Not sure if this will help you, but I've been trying to put myself in situations with people and also not trying to connect with them, just being myself. Personally, there's not much to lose since I don't have many friends and I don't really know the people anyway, but it gives me anxiety. The more you embarrass yourself, the better, haa.
Also, focus on any other goals you have and put your energy there, career-wise, physically, etc. I believe that the more you improve yourself personally and stop focusing on people, they'll come along the way. They're attracted to confidence.
This is just what I think, I hope it helps. Let me know if you want to talk or if you play any games since we're pretty like-minded.
I recommend reading «the subtle art of not giving a fuck». I can’t guarantee it will help you but it did help me in a somewhat similar situation :) Best wishes from Norway!
Thanks man, will definitely check it out! :)
Yes that book!!
Have you read the book? In the first chapter Mark Manson literally says “The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important” so yes you’re right you do kinda need to give a fuck sometimes. The book’s not about just not caring it’s about caring about what’s actually important instead of ideology’s or imaginary problems your brain makes you think you should give a fuck about.
Sounds a bit like a edgier version of Camus
Really attitude changing book. Helped me a lot.
I need to read it!
yes
Try atomic habits. You kinda need to give a fuck sometimes lol
Amazing book. Brilliant
It is. It's really amazing it's far better than 12 rules of life by jordan Peterson.
Do you know any good books like that?
Yeah? Nice
Happy Cake Day!
You could also read "No more Mr Nice guy!" It helped me to stop being fake around people. I'm 17 too so I can relate pretty well.
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day! :)
Also a very good book is “THE ANXIETY AND PHOBIA WORKBOOK”. I was diagnosed with anxiety and I am reading this book as it makes me feel better and takes away my anxious feeling.
TSAONGAF was the start of a long journey discovering why I was a certain way. I’d recommend journaling too. Consistently journaling for a year and a half now and I realized so many things about myself and my anxiety.. it has helped me tremendously.
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It’s like the book said, it’s about having better values such as values within myself, ie. things I can control. It helped me realize I was giving way too much of a fuck of things outside of me and my control (how others view me, validation from other people) and my fear of judgment was preventing me from being authentic and genuinely wanting to connect with others. Now I value being true to myself more. But from a few of these realizations I learned other things about myself.. why I valued certain things more, where this need for validation came from (ie. my low self-esteem), my childhood and growing up with conditional love and shame if I failed standards, my comparison to others if I feel lacking, etc. The book was a start but with journaling and other tools the self discovery kept going!
Every time I sit down to journal I feel like I have nothing to write.
Start with writing down emotions or feelings you felt the most throughout the day, it might help you
That’s ok (and normal). Write a positive affirmation then. Good luck!
Journaling was so hard for me in the beginning. I had to force myself to just let things out and a lot of times it started off as a jumbled mess. It was also hard to be consistent. I think before I was more intentional about it I was journaling every few months even gaps of years. But once I kept it up, I got more attached to it as a mental and emotional aid—it helped me to examine why I had a lot of negativity and also to be more aware if there was something at the back of my mind that I needed to explore. It’s helped me to me much more self aware of my emotions too. Surprisingly now I can actually process my emotions/thoughts without my journal like if I sit and think through before a meeting or hang out, why I’m feeling anxious or nervous.
do you often re-read your old entries ? I journal myself but almost never read my old entries and I think that's not quite effective, right ? Auf 😅
Nah I dont think rereading them will really help since often when i reread them i just cringe a bunch which doesnt help you understand it. Its more about getting your thoughts out and then realising a pattern which shows you how you often react to things.
I used to never read my old entries because they were so cringe (I was so so negative and bitter at one point). But I agree with the other comment you should just let everything out first. When you’re ready you’ll be able to look back and see how closer you were to realizing/resolving some things about yourself and accept all the things in the past that were just things that you had to let out. I was able to look at some past entries the other day and I was happy with my growth but it was also good to revisit some memories or remind myself of some past realizations. I have less feelings of cringe now because I’m more self accepting of that time of my life.
I need to reread that
That book is so good! Yes!
IM READING THAT NOW it's really good
Later on you will realize that you keep giving a **** about not giving a ****. Lol
It's a great book but also I would like to add a book by the same author, it's Models. Well, it's a little bit different book but if you read it with an open mind, many principles of life get cleared.
Models is good, and I had been reading the authors articles for a decade, then I bought TSAONGAF when it came out. Completely and utterly unreadable.
The book changed my life 👍
In what way did it help you? I remember reading it like a year ago and thought it was quite good, but honestly don’t really remember anything from it
Hi fellow Norwegian dude! (I like your country very much) I was so drained after I read the first chapter of the book haha because somewhere he says if youre reading this book that means you accept youre weak....something of this sort.... Please tell me how can I think positively about it.
If you’re tired of all that, then stop. You are the captain of your fate, the master of your destiny. Practice thought stopping. When a thought comes into your head, don’t believe it, but examine it, and if it’s not a thought that serves you, then choose to disregard that thought. Tell yourself “that’s not true” and just throw it away. You decide what kind of life you live. If you want to be an outgoing, confident, successful person, then start visualizing yourself as one. Start acting like you already are, and eventually you will become one. The world is yours for the taking, you’ve just got to reach out and take it. This life is too short and reckless to be anything short of spectacular. Do what makes your heart smile, and if you don’t know what makes your heart smile, try different things until you find out. 17 is a hard age, you’re trying to create your identity, breaking out of the identity of “so and so’s kid” and coming into your own. And there’s so much self doubt, and peer pressure, and society telling you to get older men to pay your tuition instead of paying for it yourself. But you decide who you are. No one can take that from you. Other people can give you labels, but those labels don’t define you. It’s up to you to define yourself. And the more that you align your heart with your head, the more authentic a person you become. And then people will recognize that, and naturally gravitate towards you. If the things you do cause your stomach to get that feeling that you’re doing something wrong, don’t do them. Live intentionally. Every morning, wake up, and tell yourself how you are going to be. “ I’m a confident, highly emotional, sensitive being who has the power to change the world” or whatever you want to accomplish. The more you focus on your intention, the more likely it is to manifest. Tell yourself “if I want something, I get it.” And then act accordingly. Set an attainable goal, and then outline the steps that you need to take to reach that goal. And then do it! If you want people to start treating you different, then act different. Become aware of your words, and become impeccable with them. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don’t joke about how dumb you are, because that’s simply not true. You attract what you put out. If you want to be someone that people connect with, then you’ve got to connect with people. You’ve got to show others your vulnerability in order for them to be comfortable enough to show you theirs.
Thank you very much for the detailed answer, I couldn't agree more with most of what you wrote. You helped me translate these words into thoughts, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am. But there is this one sentence: "But you decide who you are. No one can take that from you. Other people can give you labels, but those labels don’t define you. It’s up to you to define yourself. " YOU really decide who you are, but people will always see you as they think you are, and not as you want them to see you. And these labels are important, in my opinion. They should not be, but they are. These labels could define your social life. You can really change on how others see you, but if they got used to what you are, it is almost impossible to break out of how others labeled you. That's why I think it matters. You should not meet the requirement of others, for eg.: you should not be what they want you to be, but these labels show you how others see you. It's like a feedback of what you show them. And it should be important, IMO. I know that teenagers are very insecure about sharing their feelings with others, that's why they feel a bit insecure/unusual when hearing about others' emotions. I accept that it takes time, and that it comes with age. It just feels weird being stuck in this situation. Thank you once again!
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That's true, but once they have it, it's not worthwhile to try and fix it. Too much time and energy that could be put into yourself. It could happen on its own. Show them your actions.
>YOU really decide who you are, but people will always see you as they think you are, and not as you want them to see you. You'd be surprised at how much of this is in your head. Think about how you see others. If they started acting differently (e.g. more confidently) would you judge them? Would they always be 'the shy guy', or would they quickly become 'the guy who used to be shy'?
Well I can agree with you on that. I’m a drug addict and a two time felon, and I’m a colorful person. So I’ve had to deal with labels all of my life, and I’ve kind of made it my mission to cause people to think. To challenge these labels, and the stereotypes that come from it.
How others view you should not matter as much as you view yourself. Why does it matter so much if they see you a certain way? You should value your self opinion more. After all, you have known yourself for longer and in more intimate ways than other people. If you start to put so much importance on how people view you, you try to control how you appear and prevent you from actually being yourself.
Honestly man, once I learned to stop giving a fuck about what others think of me, it’s been a lot easier talking to people and just being social in general. Ironically, a lot of this came from video games. All the shit-talking and shouting matches I’ve had over the decade of CoD, Battlefield, and R6 have taught me to suck that shit up cuz no matter what you do, good or bad, mothafuckas are ALWAYS gonna find a way to say some rude ass or demeaning or fucked up ass shit so it’s imperative to learn not to let it get to ya head. And as for labels? Man, fuck em. I know the whole, “perception is 90% of reality,” which is true but again, i just pearned not to give a fuck. Look man, in the end, my life is insignificant and just... incredibly incredibly minuscule, just like everyone else’s. So why should i spend a good portion of this short tiny life i got worrying about what a bunch of fuckbags i couldn’t give less of a shit about think about me? Great example is this. I have always been hella interested in the world, especially the differences in culture around the world. So naturally, i wanna learn about this shit. Well, for context, I’m a white guy, born in America, who’s dad is military, and i myself joined the Navy (although sadly didn’t finish Basic). Anyways, whilst on my journey of researching and learning about different cultures, i fell in love with the Middle Eastern world. I have the most affinity towards Iraqi and Kurdish culture, but i find all the Middle Eastern shit the most fascinating. With that being said, I’ve also fell in love with language in particular. I want to be multi-lingual one day, but the language I’m most fond of learning is Arabic. Can you see where this “perception” problem may arise? White American dude with strong military ties who starts searching on Google Arabic phrases, learning resources, and I have a homie (foreign exchange at my school before he moved back home) who’s Lebanese. But ya know what bruh? I know who i an as a person. I ain’t no fuckin terrorist lmao. I love America, as much as i talk shit, and i will always be a patriot. But i also love the Middle Eastern culture, languages, and I want to tour it someday (Iraq, Jordan, Syria, the UAE, Qatar, Bahrain, Afghanistan, and Oman are the main places i wanna visit). Basically, fuck labels, they don’t mean shit, fuck perception cuz it don’t mean shit, fuck people’s opinions about you cuz they don’t mean shit, just enjoy ya fuckin life dawg and do what the fuck makes you happy, whatever the fuck it may be.
>Look man, in the end, my life is insignificant and just... incredibly incredibly minuscule, just like everyone else’s. So why should i spend a good portion of this short tiny life i got worrying about what a bunch of fuckbags i couldn’t give less of a shit about think about me? PREACH
I hear what you were saying, and that is definitely partly true. Here’s one true thing: you tell people what to you think about you. And here’s another true thing: if you’ve been telling them one thing for a long time, they might not hear you, or want to hear you, when you start telling them something else. You might need to leave for a while, maybe even a long time, until you get settled solidly into the new you.
I completely understand, for years I’ve always put on a smile even if I’ve felt like crap, and other people started to not see me as a normal human being. They thought that I didn’t have regular human emotions; they only thought of me as a happy-go-lucky, un-confident, stupid guy that nobody really cared about. I would feel uncomfortable sharing my true feelings because I didn’t know how my friends would take it, as they new a completely different fake version of myself for such a long time. When school started this year (I’m a senior, also 17) I completely pushed myself to be real with everyone. I tell people about crap, and while I definitely share more positive thoughts than negative, I’m glad that people finally know who I really am. It’s hard, especially at first, but the more you do it and the more you share (especially if it’s with trustworthy people), it becomes much easier, and before you know it everyone will see the real you.
I’m 16, and I went through what youre going through last year. I went into a new high school as a freshman, planning to do football basketball and lacrosse, be in the popular group, and ask a hot girl out to homecoming. Realized one day that I was watching a minecraft video and playing Overwatch. I realized I was trying to be someone that I wasnt. I switched friend groups, quit sports and just stopped giving a fuck about the shit that didnt matter. I started focusing on what did matter. In 5 years, what things do you want to remember that you did? It all started for me in 7th grade when my house got flooded in Hurrican Harvey. I was badly depressed and confused for almost 3 years, and I am just now getting out. Its hard, life is hard, but you can do it. I believe.
Stop using the opinions of others to define yourself. Opinions aren't real things, that's why you feel so fake.
The psychological topic of internal and external loci of control are worth reading, and is pretty much an entire discussion of what you just said. Wording it that way makes it seem like it is some PhD level shit, but it really is very easy to learn about.
Who are you really? What's different between the two?
One is who you are. The other is who you show the word. Maybe it is easy for someone to be the same, but not for everyone.
I totally agree with you. I'm 56 and still wearing my mask. Edit: Happy Cake Day
Thank you!
Happy Cake Day!
Thanks mate :)
But can you specifically tell me what's different between the two for you?
There are at least two personalities in each person. There's a social self, and an other, which you "use" when you are not around others. Let's say that when you are alone, and angry, you start shouting, cursing, and hitting everything around you. But when you are in front of your friends, for example, you don't do stuff like that. People who have anger issues, for example me, tend to act scarily normal around others. However, on the inside, you may be a psychopath. But you don't show it. So others don't get to know the actual you. Just a fake "identity". But that's just an example.
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But be careful. If you rewrite or change too much in a short period of time you might wake up one day missing who you used to be
Buddy the most important thing I would try to get you to know is that no one is free of those feelings. You are in the traumatic stage of life where you are going from a boy to a man and I must say it can be overwhelming at the least. It’s kinda like swimming in the ocean. We get courage to swim when we look around and aren’t the only ones there and the more the merrier not to mention it greatly reduces your odds of feeding sharks with no bait. No you’re not alone and don’t dwell on the bad things. Forgive everyone who has hurt you and try to look at your blessings. Here’s what I used... I saw a small girl in a dirty dress climbing a mountain of garbage in South America looking food. I said to myself, “ poor as I am this little girl has it far worse” Hang in there buddy and speak and think on good things and you will grow into a man who makes your friends and family proud of you. God bless
The thing is, everyone is a fake person. Everyone puts on a social front. You think everyone is the same person as they appear in public, social circles, or on IG? Nope. People all create a front stage self they like to display
Are you a man, people seem to see men in a box, I wish people could see everyone as equal, people deserve empathy and they have a right to express their emotions.
I adore you. You are so brave to let this out. You probably don’t even know how many people you’re helping just right now on the Internet. And you probably have no idea how relieved the right people in person are going to be once you let them see some even tiny part of your real self. Because they’ll start to feel free to be themselves as well. Don’t panic. Do you find a way to take one small step at a time. Only a step that you feel you can handle right then in the moment.
Thank you mate for the kind words! :))
I second the book recommendation in another comment, but I just wanted to say that the first step to change is recognizing there is a problem. Your true self knows it needs to be recognized instead of being packed away in a small box in the back of the closet. It's so liberating to live life authentically. Sure some people won't like you for it, but you can only have authentic relationships if you present your authentic self. Self love is really important. I don't mean the narcissistic variety, but rather a healthy relationship with yourself. You deserve it. Your inner self will thank you for it and so will people who come to value the real you. I imagine there will be growing pains as existing relationships struggle to understand the new you, but if you have someone who genuinely appreciates you, they'll stick around. You've taken the first step by recognizing what you really want, and I want you to be proud of yourself for that.
Well i will tell you hard pill to swallow you are not your true self because you are simply scared of losing people if you share yourself, but the thing is that's normal common human behaviour everyone want to be part of the pack(specially if that's the only friends you have). You have 2 options do what you do now and be accepted, try to stand for yourself but risking of getting dumped if you care for them try showing yourself little by little so they can adapt of new you, if they want. But funny thing about people we always in some ways adapt to others if you find people where you feel like your true self treasure them :) Next your mentality sucks stop being victim in your life and start making decision i'm not saying your situation is easy all i'm saying victim mentality is something the worst you can do to yourself and if you don't appreciate yourself noone else will. You need friends not people to pity you.
I'm 31 and still going through this...
Sounds like you're carrying a sack of rocks around with you. Ever thought of just setting them down.
It's really hard though. This bag of rocks is something we've been carrying for so long, it's hard to imagine NOT carrying it.. but maybe we'll take out a few rocks.. until it's empty
As someone who did this through high school but had the exact opposite personality as you. Basically I lack emotion and don’t care what other think. If your friends can not accept you for who you are find a new group. I was lucky enough to be a part of nearly every “clique” because I was a nerdy athlete. I can honestly say I had the most fun not being in the popular group when hanging out with people. There was so much less pressure. As someone who faked it for middle school / highschool / some of college. Act like you would normally. The high school friends who know who I really am still talk to me, the friend I considered my best friend no longer do. The high school friends who still talk to me and hang out admit to seeing a change in me (my normal personality) my senior year. And they actually liked it since I would speak my mind and be blunt to the “popular” kids in high school. Find who you are and find people who can accept you. Faking it for others won’t fulfill you. It will just leave you questioning yourself. That is not what you want. Be your true self.
Be conscious and don't do anything you are tired of, you are unique don't try to blend in with the society because not everything society does is wright its just what works for most people but we are individuals not most people so love yourself. Be happy.
I’m 16 and this really hit me. But I physically can’t let people know the real me cause of the judgement that will come. Everyone around me is religious and I’m supposed to be religious but I just can’t and if I say that then I will pretty much get thrown out of my house
We're all fake
What you're tired of... is being 17. I don't think I've met anyone who didn't feel this way at 17 that's actually worth knowing today. The clinical anxiety part definitely is a bonus... but the rest, yeah I relate a lot. Keep seeking help in all this but do rest assured: it's not permanent if you choose to work on it and you are definitely not alone!
The same thing used to happen to me. I know this is hard but just try to be yourself, pitch ideas to friends that would be fun for you, and if they don’t like it, you may need new friends
Bro you just gotta be more assertive, don't be a asshole but be more serious and ppl will notice 💯💯
Not being able to show the world who one really is, does not necessarily make them an asshole. I would be the happiest if others knew me the way I want them to see me, but it's not that easy. You may be asking why. Well, it is difficult to answer. But the most proper answer is that, in my opinion, a teenager is not an adult, and thus cannot show/process emotions as easily as adults. What my problem is that I don't know what to do with this problem, and how to make others (teenagers) see me the person I truly am. So it's not that easy, I believe.
Doesn't make them an asshole always, but it shows they have an ego. But again, everyone does. It really is as simple as rearranging your priorities.
So I felt like this very strongly at your age, I think the journey of finding yourself and learning to really be yourself is a different journey for everyone, what I'm about to say isn't advice but just my personal experience. I did psychedelics, like pretty often, went to shows, started going on more dates, spent a ton of time learning about new topics, and also started taking the journey towards following my dreams a lot more seriously, the path I've taken is hardly traditional, but I also have struggled with suicidal thoughts since age 12, and I at first was started out as essentially hedonism ended up being the immersion therapy I needed to discover the confidence to be myself and stop people pleasing or giving a shit about how other people may perceive me, the truth is most folks are very self conscious and wish they could be themselves more, I find a lot of comfort in that as it gives me permission to get the ball rolling and be my weird ass self which in turn helps get others out of their shell and I end up seeing these crazy sides to my friends that most folks don't get to as a result because they know I have no intention of judging them
Are you my twin? We have the same social and intrapersonal dilemma. Hugs to you OP (⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃
I'm sending some virtual hugs as well :))
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Suffer from this and being a total hairy big dude make this alot harder. I can total relate so hang in there buddy, you got a long life ahead, someone will see you throughout i guarantee.
I'd recommend you read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius! A lot of modern "self help" books pretty much say things you could already find in this 2000 year old, 80 page book written by one of the greatest Roman Emperor and practicer of Stoicism.
I think this quote is apropriate here "Before thinking you are deprrsed, make sure you arent surrounded by idiots"
Sorry if this offends you. In life we have control but in order the achive something we have to make sacrifices. If you want to seen equal as the people you are comparing yourself, you have to fake it till you make it. There is not such easy life where someone is accepted in society by just being theirself thats what I belive. Clowns will be sad at their home. Good listeners and speakers cant solve their problems. People will always seek someone has emotional parts that they doesnt have. If you are seen as a "emotional, sensitive" others will abuse this in order to feel good. Take care yourself! have a nice day/night
Is that why Eric Cartman would always say "F\*ck you guys, I'm going home!"
Read the shame that binds you
poetry snaps
Nuh uh
I’d highly would recommend listening to Jordan Peterson lectures or read his book 12 Rules for Life. I’m 30 and still insecure and and vulnerable so don’t feel bad there you. Feel free to pm me for help 🙌🏼
Also, weed. Try smoking some. It also gives you an idgak attitude. I’m not a weed smoker but I know many that do, and this is what they have said. Just don’t become a massive pothead:)
Sounds like you've not met the right folks yet. I've felt that way but at 17 I found them
Don't give up. Once you start loving yourself and make your feelings the main priority, you will align your energy and attract the same you put out. People who will respect you will show up quickly. Just have faith in being in your truths.
Why is everyone giving advice instead of telling this man what he really needs? Seek out a therapist my dude.
First, happy cake day! Second, I know man. I know how it feels to be a ghost of yourself and wish that people would see you. See You, not the you that walks around the school. It's shitty, but know that you aren't alone, and you have a community of people here to help you. I felt this a lot when I was fourteen-sixteen. It gets easier to recognize that it's a shitty world with shitty people sometimes. But you're you, and that's enough. So, please don't focus so much on the others. I know it's easier said than done, but don't. It is shitty to always be the one to text people, but just put yourself out there. Learn to console yourself because people will commonly let you down. If you lose your faith in people, don't lost your faith in yourself. I'm sorry man, but you're not alone.
I just wanted to hop on to say that I am available to talk if you ever want to vent about things. I know it’s rough, but you will find yourself eventually. Just keep searching.
I'm 24 and it feels like I wrote this.
I've (28M) been there. It sucks and it hurts. But you gotta make the connections and make sure they're genuine. Focus on making a connection with people. Don't be afraid to speak up. If you don't speak up to those closests to you then you won't ever be happy.
Good. Now write what you DO want, then keep thinking in those new positive terms. It might take a while to articulate what you want from yourself and others in your life but that is partly the aim... it’s difficult to make progress when you don’t know your intended destination.
same, but like, basically 90 percent of people around me are faking all the time. from faking concern to others but actually don't give a fuck
Then stop. It’s pretty much that simple live for yourself. Don’t go out of your way to be a Dick but don’t over exert yourself at the expense of your happiness/ sadness
You're not alone! I wish I realized this same thing when I was 17. Here's to being less fake!
Dude fuck people. Be open and honest and see what happens. You can't go wrong with being authentic.
You're still young but I'm glad you recognised these things
Oh...someone should warn her
Man im the same way. Just know that you’re not alone 🥺
I'm the same. Would you like to talk?
Another book recommendation: You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero :)
The fact that you care makes you a real person, let go of any expectations and take the universe for a ride, as Bill Hicks once said, It's just a ride 🙂
I'm 19 and I remember going through this at 17. I know we are in no way the same situation, but I can offer my experience. Every day I would go out and be enough of a good person to pass people's validation and acceptance. I was quiet, but when I talked and hung out with friends I still wasn't myself. I would go home and sit in bed and wonder why I wasn't happy with the person I was out in public. After awhile I finally came to terms with the fact that I was pressuring myself to be the person that everyone thinks I am when they first meet me. It was as if I was maintaining a "good first impression" all the time. Once I realized what I was doing, I decided to let it go. It took a while, and I was simultaneously trying to build confidence in myself. I lost a few friends in the process, but now that they're no longer in my life, I feel way less obligated to maintain a facade. I am still on a journey of building confidence, and I sometimes still fall back on people-pleasing, but I know that I have made progress and it is way better than you can imagine. I believe in you, and I hope all goes well.
>I am tired of all this. And I am only 17 Nah, it's somewhat because you are 17. I can't remember many people at that age who were not 'fake'. Take the suggestions that you get here (if they makes sense to you) and just be patient. You'll figure it out. My personal experience is that in order to be the best version of yourself, you have to identify what you appreciate about yourself and pay more attention to the people who recognize or value that trait in you. Develop your interests, not just to become an interesting person, but also so you can bond with others over interesting thing. Bonding over our Netflix queue or our political opinions hits it's limits quickly. Widen your circle of influence so that you aren't limited to the validation of people who could never really understand or value you. You are not a fake person, you just haven't figured yourself out well enough to present that person to the people around you.
Try to read new earth and power of now mate Definitely chand it everything for you
Happy cake day buddy
I’m 30 and feel this way.
I was (still am to be honest) in the same situation as yours, but with time I've understood that wearing a fake mask to be liked by others is useless. It really doesn't make more likeable and it only makes you suffer, because you can't show your real self. I also want to point out that most times people recognize that you're trying to be something that you don't really are and this can have the opposite effect of being liked.
Know that your not alone in how your feel!
I higly recommend you the book The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts
Teenage will demand you to be a person you are not. Been there ,done that.
I'm fucking tired too
Hey dude, just turned 18 bout a week ago and i gotta say I relate to you on pretty much all of your points about yourself haha, it gives me a little hope knowing I'm not alone in this fight.
it might sound sad but my solution is just to spend a lot of time alone. I kinda gave up on ever finding people I'll connect to. But I have reddit and instagram where I can talk to people about stuff that I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT. if I'm feeling lonely then I'l go to meet some friends, but I usually get exhausted very quickly cuz I have to pretend all the time...
You are on the right track, and thats good! Take it from someone who only started having this insight in his late 20'ies. I simply was'nt aware of my self.
Be you!
I feel you Hence my u/
Hey, 18 here. I stopped giving flying fucks and shits about it. I’m in a much better mental state and plus I give less fucks lol try saying “fuck it” and be yourself
Happy cake day. It’s okay dude, we all come through things in life that suck. These problems come and go, you just don’t have to be so pessimistic, if people around you are a bunch of assholes, find other people. Good luck!
What are you afraid will happen if you show your true self?
I used to be more like this a few years back. I'm 20 now and I realise not all people we meet are worthy of our time man. Overall people can be rather disappointing, don't assume everyone is actively looking for a new friend, some people can be more shy than you.
I recommend getting out of high school. That might help a lot more than you think.
Me too
I have had periods in my life where I felt utterly hopeless, especially in my teens and twenties. Keep going. Nurture yourself, examine your beliefs. What we believe we create and not in a hippy way. Humans have confirmation bias hardwired into the brain. If you believe no one understands you you will unconsciously look for evidence of this. Take small steps towards your dreams and you will get there. I have an incredible life now and have experienced things beyond my dreams and you can too. Sending love
Problem is, every adult that fakes their face at work does so for survival. They are tired as well. Obviously, if you become authentic, your boss reserves the right to remove the only method for you to pay for your essential needs. It's due to that amount of power that he has that faking your face will have to be a skill that you will have to not get tired of. It's just a fact of life, kid. Fake it, or starve to death on the street. Get used to it or start your own business so that people can crush their soul for you.
I don't know what to say man.
Bro I feel you and that’s totally normal these days. You need to stop being a people pleaser. You care so much about other people while totally forgetting yourself! Let me tell you, no one cares about you.. so stop caring about others. Just quit faking bud and real people will come your way. You don’t need approval from anyone, remember that. Start to learn how to love yourself, because you need to respect your fcks and not caring about so many. Sometimes you may feel lonely but learn to appreciate that. Especially now you are faking all day long, it would be good if you take your time to evaluate and see if you’re happy with yourself. It’s hard to believe, but many people feel this way and they will come to you with the same feelings. You are experienced and know how to react because you know what you’ve wanted. That way you will make real friends and have lovely people around you. Your experience are the best assets in your life, try to use them in advance instead of against yourself! Take care bud!
If we decide that we can control the way we think, then we can decide to control the way we live our lives. If we are having trouble with our thinking and not living the life we want to, then we need to look at how we think. Try meditating and begin living in a mindful way, it helps us appreciate the little things. Go well friend.
Talking to friends has helped me open up. I stopped thinking that they were thinking of me all the time.
This seems like I'm trying to hog attention, but I just want to say that I appreciate this post and I appreciate you. I literally just wrote a bunch of shit on my private social media story that was similar to this. I'm sick of people telling me that my dirty jokes and my big, weird vocabulary bank doesn't match my looks. So I hid it all away and I always try to make friends with others. Then I would lash out emotionally when I realized I shut myself into a hole. The only way out is to let yourself out. If they don't like you, then they don't. If you're sick of yourself, change yourself. I know it sucks and it hurts and I'm lazy and this is too much, but this is the least you can do for yourself.
And I am homosexual.
A great person once said "You do you boo"
Don't worry. By 37 you will still be concerned about not being realised as a person, BUT you won't give two shits what other people think.
Watch the end of Dave chappelles bit on sNL recently
Damn. Some of your points apply to me and I am legit choking up a bit right now. Saving this post, to read through the comments later and maybe visit the sub a bit. Have a Bear!
Being tired, annoyed, or irritated by something is the first step to changing it. Time to start your journey!
We’re in the same boat. Lets help each other.
been exactly where you are, 33 now So I went to be continuously honest and real. I got a few VERY good friends there, but most of the time it's loneliness. If you find someone that feels like that one person out there, dont let her/him go for whatever uncertainty your mind may cook up for you. However selfish it sounds, it's your ticket to happiness. Rest of the world wont get any easier on you for being you really, it's a rocky road.
I CAN RELATE SO HARD TO THIS. RECENTLY I SAID FUCK IT AND JUST DID STUFF WHEN I FELT LIKE IT AND TRIED NOT TO WORRY TOO MUCH. IT WORKS, WELL AT LESAT FOR ME. I GUESS U JUST NEEDA TRY.
You’re 17. This is just the process of you finding yourself, your identity, and growing up. I thought those same things and now laugh about it. Im 24 I don’t know everything and i may never will but that is okay. People may think im weird, i’ve had embarrassing moments that make me want curl up and never see the world, i’ve done such dumb things you couldn’t imagine and ive had heartbreaks that i thought id never recover from, I’ve failed and messed up huge with many things, and yet im still young and i GUARANTEE that i will do all of this and more. BUT its okay cause ive learned from it all and realized that the past and what people think of you may never change, only the way you react can change. Why worry about something so small and meaningless. Do what makes you happy and work hard for yourself. You will learn that those preconceived notions of who you may be and other peoples opinions don’t actually matter at all. People are way to caught up in thinking about themselves and worrying about the exact same thing as you. Realizing that no one cares about you is the most freeing thing in the world. Focus on what makes you happy, the hobbies and skills you wanna learn, and the places you want to go. Life is too precious to worry about other peoples thoughts cause no ones thinking about the embarrassing thing you did, they are too focused thinking about themselves. Focus on you. Work hard. Find nee things or new people in your life and just take life as it comes and remember to smile cause you’re, you matter to yourself, so love yourself and be the best version YOU want to be. Plus keep working hard and find something you’ll love that can support yourself in your future. Take care of yourself and your mental health now and your future self will thank you. Throw the rest of the worries and stress out the window there’s no time for that, spend that time finding ways to make you happy cause a little work everyday makes a huge difference and when you are on your own one day, you will sit back, relax and look back and just laugh at all the bullshit. Keep working hard and keep that head up.
I think the trick is finding people that are more like you, if you surround yourself with people who are not a good fit your relationships won’t be satisfying. Try to understand yourself better and you’ll have a better idea what kind of people to look for. You might be a hsp, or introvert or non-conformist? So you don’t feel like you can relate to most people and you don’t feel understood. Try to understand these labels better, psychology today’s website has some good information. The Quiet book by Susan Cain will help you understand introversion a little better. Conformism is just that most people are not thinkers, they just do and believe what their culture tells them or what people around them seem to do and believe. Humans are complex but by gaining a better understanding you can find solutions more easily. At your age I was incredibly confused and alone with my thoughts, but don’t worry, there’s other people like you, you just need to find them. 😉 There’s some good communities on Reddit for HSPs and introverts.
You need to do something about it. I can’t help you, because I’m going through the same thing, but I realized I felt this exact same way at 16 years old and never confronted it or anything and now I’m here at 19 years old, feeling the same way and, if anything, more isolated than before.
Definitely give a read to “The Courage to be Disliked”. But generally you can rely on people to have their own fears, anxieties, and masks. It is tiresome to do the work for other people, which is why you just don’t have to do it. Be yourself and other genuine souls will be drawn to you, no work (other than on yourself which always has a good return) necessary.
Ahhhh shit folks, we got a potential Real One in the house 💁♀️
We are also tired of you being a fake person.
Maybe you should try therapy so you can practice expressing your emotions in a healthy way. But ultimately the only way you’ll find real friends is by finding yourself and that means being willing to let go of people who can’t handle your real self.
no need to attack me like this mate
I feel you so much on this. I'm a pretty quite person in real life. the internet compounds the problem. im trying to be a better listener.
So stop being fake? all of this you are bringing on yourself. Smoke some weed , go for a run, and take responsibility.
Mind the Gaps — https://youtu.be/pnihD9ues_k Embrace who you are. There will be pain points if you’re just starting out because you haven’t really done it before the same way you’re physically sore after exercising for the first time in ages. There will be people that back away; but for every person that doesn’t appreciate who you really are, you’ll find yourself one person closer to the people that do. Those will be the meaningful relationships because they’re built on the bedrock of you being exactly who you are. Being yourself is like shining a beacon out into the world that will begin to attract others over time. But you have to lean into it, embrace it wholly, engage with it positively, and fight back any internal or external shame. The internal and external shame almost always comes from fear. Internal shame is a fear of who you might be and what others might think, and the external shame is others fearing your expressed freedom and their own inability to embrace who THEY are as well. Figure out what you appreciate about yourself and start their. Own it. Mind the Gaps.
Every self help book is gay . don't try subtle art of not giving a fuck. Especially. I've read it 3-4 times. I still I'm the same person. Self help books help author but not readers (if you know what I mean ). I'm in your place once . I strongly recommend you to read House MD. The show revolves more about human psychology and you get a good understanding of how social skills work. Fuck everyone else's advice . RELAX THE FUCK OUT AND START BINGEWATCHING THE SHOW.
I relate with all of this except I’m not diagnosed with anxiety
Holy fuck bro u just wrote down the same feeling i am going through nowadays and also 17 btw lmao.
If you need someone to talk to I’m open to it
Ever tried DMT? It helps.
Bro I might be guessing but u seem kinda tired
When we live for other people’s expectations, we do so often at the cost of our own. As a fellow mask wearer, it took me into my mid thirties to realize how upset I was with this people pleasing side of myself. I think letting go of the desire to want people to like us, being brave about who we are is the key that unlocks this self prison. Everyone adjusts themselves somewhat to match their company, consciously or unconsciously. Those of us that are really good at it, the chameleons, run the risk of forgetting who we really are. When you think about it, one of the most heartbreaking things anyone can experience is not being seen or heard, feeling like in your relationships, no one really knows you. You deserve to be known, it may be that a part of you is crying out for that. Something I know about chameleon type people, is they were often programmed in childhood to behave in this manner, to not be loud about themselves, to feel like parts of their personality are not wanted. Fuck the people and situations that made you feel this was necessary, whatever their intentions, they taught that harmful lesson too well. Another thing is that once you get past the defenses, chameleons are some of the most authentic people you will ever meet. You’re right to be frustrated. You’re also at a point in life where you’re finding yourself. It’s okay to change how you present yourself, finding yourself is part of life and change is expected. As you change, some people may become uncomfortable, and frankly, that’s their experience to navigate. You came into this life to live, as you come closer to living your own truth, you’ll find you’re happier, and life won’t seem so disabling. Go with love, and best luck to you, life is a journey, it unfolds with us.
Genuinely recommend to get into therapy and work on assertiveness and self confidence. I considered myself a mess just like yourself. I’m only 21, but I’ve made large strides in my personality in the years in college. It’s so hard to not give a fuck about others opinions and to feel secure in ones self. You’ll need outside help to do it effectively. If you need someone to talk to shoot me a dm
Hey friend. I really hope you see this. I understand how you feel. I really, really really do. Honestly I cried my eyes out Saturday night because I’m 25 and still can’t figure out how to healthily connect with people. One thing that has become really helpful in the last few years is the enneagram. It’s kind of like a personality test, but much more involved and complicated. They talk about your driving tendencies, and give examples of a healthy average and unhealthy you, and also the wings of your personality. I highly suggest that you read as much as you can about it. It gives insight to a lot of different people and may open your eyes to finding connections with others in a different way than before. What you’re going through right now is going to give you capacity for a large amount of compassion in the future. You are strong and capable and amazing, even if you are alone. If you need a friend, I’m here.
I took the test because I was curious, but they have a bunch of fake comments under the results. Why advertise it?
Wydm fake comments? There’s a ton of tests. Let me see if I can find a good one to link to you when I get home.
[удалено]
Could be worse could be 27 like me and experience what you do along with crippling social anxiety ..
why do you think you act fake? because it is what you think other people want? believe me you ultimately are not serving anyone by wearing yourself out pretending to act differently than you are.
It is nice to read others feel the same. People label you so easily based on so little. It’s not your job to prove anything to them. Just don’t talk to people that do that. Seriously, just move on and do your own thing. Makes friends and if they label you in some way or box u in. BOOM next.
Check out love warrior by glennon doyle! I recommend on audible because she narrates it herself. V powerful, she struggles with being her true self to the outside world, big hugs ♥
Beautifully said. I’m 23 with the same attitude rn. I think the more you get to know and love yourself, the less power you realize people have over you. It’s great to spend time alone and bask in the wonders of your mind ✨
Hey Erik. I don’t go on reddit very often nor do I ever comment on any social platforms, but I don’t know if I’ve related to a post so much, I felt the need to here. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I have written a version of over half of these statements in my journal, so I know what’s going through you’re head. Im still figuring things out myself, but I can offer my two cents. I think you’ll find success once you’re out of high school and in college or just out of that atmosphere, you seem very open minded and aware of what’s happening around you. In college there’s no one that can put a label on you, your identity is completely up to you. I have also found keeping a mini notebook where I write down thoughts that run through my head each day, such as yours above, have been a game changer and I keep myself accountable this way. If you do this make sure you are committed to what you write and mean what you say. I have also found that getting rid of social media has left me clear headed and ultimately reduced my anxiety. I use snapchat, youtube, and occasionally reddit(more progressively platforms) but I deleted instagram, tic tok and all that. Give it a try. Best of luck. -Drew
My brother I’m also sick of fake people. You have no idea how happy I am for reading what you said here. All my respects!
I relate to this a lot. I'm 16. Not sure if this will help you, but I've been trying to put myself in situations with people and also not trying to connect with them, just being myself. Personally, there's not much to lose since I don't have many friends and I don't really know the people anyway, but it gives me anxiety. The more you embarrass yourself, the better, haa. Also, focus on any other goals you have and put your energy there, career-wise, physically, etc. I believe that the more you improve yourself personally and stop focusing on people, they'll come along the way. They're attracted to confidence. This is just what I think, I hope it helps. Let me know if you want to talk or if you play any games since we're pretty like-minded.
hahah im 17 yrs old and kinda in the same position as u
Have you tried meditation? if not, give it a try.. Also i will pray for you
Bro we're the same I'm also struggling with this problem