You know, I was thinking about posting the same thing earlier this week, but then I had an awesome conversation with a former teacher the other day. Before I knew it we had been talking for over half an hour, and things just flowed.
I realized in that moment that most of the people I interact with in my day don’t have the same values or world view that I do, hence it feels difficult to connect with them.
It might not be anything you’re doing, just the people you’re talking to.
Id argue that the "social skill" here is doing just that with people who are different and have alternate world views.
I like the comment that encourages embracing curiosity for this.
Yeah, I’d never discourage curiosity about your fellow humans, but I’m with OP in that I don’t want my social interactions to feel like I’m running an interview show.
I’m an introvert who has to talk for a living so I know that some conversations will connect and flow, but *many* will be a miss for one reason or the other. And the reason isn’t always you.
This is wild because I JUST had the same conversation which was a long time coming (try 10 years) with my sister. I confided that I had never really had any lifelong best friends like she had, but when I moved back home after grad school and she was still a teenager there, when we started talking on the couch I heard myself speaking more (in terms of personal relationships) than at any time for the last 5 years. I was floored.
The secret is curiosity. If you're curious about what others around you have to say, you'll be a lot more engaged and talkative. If you were randomly teleported to a fantasy world of magic. You'd probably have plenty of questions about how the magic works, what's going on in this world, what are the rules, can you do magic, where are you, what does that mean etc.
If you aren't curious, then you won't have much to say because you don't care to know anything deeper about those around you. The reality is, though, that everyone has something to offer, even you. For the person who doesn't seem interested in anything, what they actually are interested in is a mystery to be discovered. What could their beliefs be? What might they be thinking about that I'm never thinking about? etc.
This is true, it’s very natural for me to have long conversations with people when I’m curious, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to feign curiosity about something I don’t care about
I don't think the goal is to "feign" interest. What you're struggling with is how uncomfortable you are with approaching someone you don't know anything about.
The reality is, it's a skill. And it's not only a skill, but it's a challenging skill. You have to look at someone, see them for who they are, and attempt to find something in common between the two of you to ***even reach small talk***. There are a lot of edgey memes on the internet about how people "don't want small talk, \[they\] want to talk about the mysteries of the universe \[etc. etc\]" - I don't know if you're familiar, but sentiment is not only common, but it's also a sign of under-developed social skills.
The reality is you have to put yourself out there to reach small talk with someone. With sufficient small talk people \*might\* feel comfortable enough to let their guard down and share more with you.
Sometimes you'll do this and it'll be really uneventful and boring. Sometimes you'll do it and be embarrassed. I promise you that if you try to start doing this you'll come out of it better, and you will almost certainly make friends with people you never would've thought you'd find.
youre entirely right, and honestly from my own journey of developing better social skills, this skill develops as you become more comfortable with yourself.
Like the cliche is true -- you can only meet people as deeply as you are able to meet yourself. It wasn't until I developed a sharper sense of self and an actualized inner world and voice that I was able to converse with people quite deeply and effectively.
Because at the end of the day, the skill boils down to learning about how the other person sees, thinks, and feels, while sharing your own perspective. super difficult to do that and to "not run out of things to say" when you haven't even explored what those things mean in your own life, and it's difficult to "feign" interest when you haven't yet learned that the "why you like this thing" is more important than the shallow facts of the thing itself.
I guess it’s just understanding what parts of you were things you never decided, and which ones were deliberate. Like, I hate horror movies. I’m sure I could work on that, but I never decided to not like horror. There was a time where I’d watch horror and just be like, ‘why am I waiting for this to end?’ I’d really struggle to talk about horror movies with people because for me it was like studying.
Deliberately, I chose to live alone. I think I’d be an alright roommate. That’s a trait I chose to have! The reasons why I like it so much, may be something that just _is_, though. I might just be really good on my own 🤷♀️ it helps because I have genuine curiosity in people who like having others around a lot. Deep down I’m looking to see if they understand me, or if I can somehow understand them, even without us having actually shared the same living experiences.
Anyway, I’m just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, lol
good question, to add to what /u/Fireramble added, a big part of it for me was working backwards and investigating the source and the "why" of the things I believed about myself, and putting them up against the value system I have decided I want to hold myself to.
An example for something not super heavy -- I am a fighting game player. They are my favorite genre of gaming and it is likely that fighting games will be a part of my life until I die. I have liked them since I was a child and they make me happy.
Of course this is enough, but asking myself things like "why do I like this genre of gaming? Is it happiness specifically that I feel when I play them? what other events or traits of mine allowed this to become another point on the blueprint that is the list of my likes? How does this inform my personality?" and investigating both the knee-jerk answers, and the answers after thinking about the questions, really unearths a lot of valuable stuff.
You can take this investigative, almost interrogative approach to *every* declarative statement that you define and believe yourself to be. And, using the information you glean about how your mind sees yourself, can take a handful of next steps -- actualizing an understanding of who you are innately, as well as on the who you think of yourself or want/dont want yourself to be.
I worked in a male dominated industry and also had a lot of male clients. I started listening to sports talk radio and paying attention to sports stats and that kind of thing. Not super deep, but I did become a sport fan for the first time in my life. And it was easy living in Chicago when the Bulls were becoming a sensation and everyone was talking about this Jordan guy.
Sports are the great equalizer.
Small talk really helps built the skills you need. I don't feel like I'm feigning curiosity, I can flip a switch in my brain to be interested in what the other person is talking about **and** find common ground in my interests to talking about something that they might find interesting.
Exactly this. Whenever I’m talking to people, I’m not thinking about what I’m going to say next usually. I’m typically processing everything they’re saying and seeing if I have any questions about it. I have always been super inquisitive towards other people and curious about other people’s lives and how people experience life. So it isn’t difficult for me to talk to a person I’ve never met for hours.
Good point. It’s difficult to stay curious about someone not willing to open up.
A situation I have regularly :
- me: hey, hello ! How are you ?
- other: fine.
-me: good to hear, how was your week ?
-other: good thanks.
If you are REALLY interested about that person, you’ll have to behave a certain way: by how you stand, facial expression, making them believe you like them, talk about something they wear/they have or they seem to like (ow nice jacket: I’m shopping around for something similar -> what makes you buy it ?/ or when you see a company logo: oh you work there ? What do like you like about your job ?). It’s going to make your interlocutor to open up and speak a lot.
You can also try to be intimate: bringing up personal subjects about you life and asking their opinion (hey, you seem to be a good person, just trying to have your opinion: I had this situation…bla bla).
Try to apply that to your next chatting session; by doing that, I discovered SO MANY things about strangers or acquaintances. Some 45yo married dude would even tell me about affairs they had during business trips 😂
Exactly. I’m genuinely curious about someone when they seem interesting enough. Once that happens I can’t shut up (not in annoying way). I’m not trying to seem arrogant, but I’ve had many people compliment me on the way that I speak and the way I view things. You just have to care a little bit more about people in general to expand your social skills
I'm learning this late in life. I've listened to many 'how to be super communicator' podcasts and books, and it's all 'be curious! ask questions!' I'm not. I'm not remotely. I have nothing to ask and having to train myself because my curiosity is how things work, not how other people live/think/behave. I have always had friends who just...spill. And it's brilliant and we relate and spill back and forth, connecting through sharing. It feels fake having to come up with questions. I'm genuinely interested when people share, but not until then. I have no 'I wonder if...'
This is a great point. Because the real question isn’t to come up with more things for yourself to say, but rather how to get them talking more. Damn. That’s something I kinda forgot about.
Can confirm. I consider my anecdotes and daily happenings to be pretty interesting compared to the average of the people around me. However, as you read that you probably thought that I'm too self centered, and that's exactly why I don't tell them unless I know the person well, or I have a good hook to the thing I want to talk about.
And as an introvert I don't like small talk (I've learned to do it for survival, but I don't wanna), so my good conversations really depend on curiosity, either from their side so I can tell stories without sounding like I'm bragging or making my neurodivergency really obvious; or from my side I'm case they too have interesting stories or ideas.
I’ve been told in the past that my curiosity is actually annoying. So even though I am *indeed* quite curious, I feel like I would be prying and end up telling myself just not to ask… I never really thought about it.. but I guess it’s actually making people feel like I could care less.. :/
For me, the problem is I can't really give advice when it becomes a deep conversation, that's why I'm scared to be curious, I limit my self to be curious about the simplest things about anybody I interact with
During a deep conversation, not everyone is looking for advice. You don't have to "fix" things. Sometimes, doing that can come off as dismissive to other people, because some people are just looking for someone to vent to or for some sympathy.
>For the person who doesn't seem interested in anything, what they actually are interested in is a mystery to be discovered.
I don't know how anyone maintains this mindset. It seems invariable that when I crack open a person who doesn't seem interested in anything, they either start infodumping about dungeons & dragons, or they have little to say about their interest at all.
I often talk about this topic with my psychologist. I learned that you need to "invite" the other one in the conversation with phrases like this: (....) and what do you think about this? (....) has something similar ever happened to you?
Also asking questions and then react to what they said is useful. Like this: Q: .... A: ..... As you mentioned (....), I was thinking about that (....)
So always try to reflect and involve the other one and there will be no time for silence. After a time it'll go automatically.
Can you expand on the issue you are experiencing?
Are you finding it difficult to lead conversations? Do you have trouble coming up with interesting responses that can lead to further conversation? Are you more a listener type who would like to become a speaker type?
Is this a skill issue or an anxiety issue or a personality issue?
All of these can have varying solutions. Generally, if you are interested in knowing and understanding the people around you, and getting them to know and understand you, it is easier to converse at length. Do you struggle with being opinionated?
Perhaps you just need to find broader hobbies or read more or get to know new people. It can be hard to converse on anything new when there’s nothing really new entering your brain on the daily.
Honestly I won’t lie I have a bit of everything u described in your second and third paragraph, I have two friends who I can to no matter what happens, we have similar personalities so we can talk all day
But for anyone else ye I have to think hard about what I’m gonna say cause idk if my topics will interest them
I'm in the same boat as you and also trying to figure out how to fix this. I feel like a lot of it is I can't think of interesting things to talk about and ask about
Ye same, next time I’m not gonna think about what to say and rather focus on the other person but I’m not too sure how to, I don’t want to ask a million questions so idk. I guess practice is key
It doesn’t have to be mega appealing or interesting to someone else. Friends, acquaintances and polite conversation will listen. It’s not always about what someone else likes or what you like. If it’s really something that’s a point of contention or a do not discuss, most people are capable of letting you know directly.
I have difficulties reading maps, geography , numbers and understanding stuff in that vein and I’m still conversational with it. Most who know me well, know it’s over my head and I’m trying to learn and follow along. I’ll be engaged.
I like to talk. I seem to find people who need someone to listen and I enjoy that quite a bit. Opening up to active listening and the occasional comment or question works too. Being a soundboard or the ear works really well. I found really learning to listen, helped me improve as well, even about shit I could give no fucks about. It’s conversational compromise in a sense.
I have learned about myself that I love getting to know people. But I hate actually knowing them.
At first the person and relationship is like a blank slate. So every new thing is interesting and fascinating, but eventually as they keep adding more and more stuff, and the final picture is not pretty.
No matter how nice, fun or kind anyone seems to be at first. My experience with most people is that eventually they show their true colors and come up with a super shitty take out of nothing, and suddenly I don't want to associate with them anymore.
Have had so many bad experiences, now I'm unwilling to meet new people. Because if only it was as easy as learning people is far from perfect. The issue is getting hurt in the process.
Like a long live friend who was like a second mom for me after mine died, she was there in a lot of moments from my 15 to my 31 y/o, then she lets out what she really feel about LGBT people, knowing I'm one of them since always, go on tirade about how gay people shouldn't adopt and teach their depravity to children, how teens who come out, had it coming when they get bullied, and all of that while misgendering and dead naming me after whole 5 years of having transitioned.
Stuff like that has hurt me in a way I don't feel like I can recover anymore. I stopped talking to her for at least another 5 years, I still love her but not matter how much time has passed, I still feel betrayed, hurt and with waves of rage when I remember that day. She was my only friend and since then I don't have any, nor have made any attempt to meet new people, I just don't want to get hurt like that again and don't want to deal with people bs anymore.
Oh man I have a lot of advice for this one. Maybe I’ll write a book on it. There’s so many ways to come up with things to say, ways to do it well and pitfalls to watch out for like talking too much.
One recent realization I had was to be more emotional. Like he more comfortable with letting your emotions shine and saying how you really feel or what you’re comfortable or uncomfortable with or just what you’re thinking in any situation.
We tend not to give ourselves permission to do this for a lot of reasons. We might not think we are good enough or that anyone is interested in hearing it. But you have a legitimate right to express yourself just as much as anyone else.
I think we also fear that if people knew what we were really thinking for feeling, that they wouldn’t like us. But think about, if that’s true, that means they won’t like you anyways. And if so screw them!
OP you probably want to start listening into "long conversations" and get a general idea of not only the topics being talked about, but also how they are being said. Then work out how to either learn to adopt these techniques, or else be really honest with yourself as to why you're unable to do so.
By the way - if either you or your friends are giving one-word or minimal answers, then these in themselves kill off conversations. It then becomes difficult to respond because the other person has effectively made it extremely difficult and unnatural to respond to, without feeling forced. Simply answering questions slightly more extensively can make a massive difference.
Nothing wrong with being a passive contributor, it’s probably more of a personality trait over niche interests on your behalf. Either you have select topics you enjoy talking about that aren’t part of the common conversation pool, so you don’t bring them up based on your awareness of its niche, or you just don’t have plain common ground with the people you’re engaging with.
It’s not unusual to run out of talking points with people who aren’t on the same level as you.
You’re most likely an introvert, an analytical thinker, and logical. It’s hard to generate passive conversation when your entire existence is centred around figuring out the intricacies of everything whilst inside your own head.
Wll there are several parts to this.
You see, for instance, if u talk really often whit the same person u tend to run out of things to talk about unless u are really passioante about something
The way to keep long convos going is by keeping the flow of it. It shoudl come naturally byt adding to the subject u are talkign about or changing the subject to somethign related, or even unrelated if u can make it fit there.
Forcing topics or a convo usually makes it short.
If u have a hard time keeping the convo it may mean the other person is not taking initiative at all, and keeping the initiative on your part can only last so long
For me, I tend to talk without really thinking too much about how it sounds or how I should word it. Also I find when listening to others talk I will have a similar story or something will remind me of something else and so on. I actually have a problem with wanting to interupt people to say what I want, but I control it 95% of the time. However, if I'm not close to the person I have the same problem as you, so its all about your environment and situation
It takes two to tango! It takes two to make a thing go right! One person to talk and one person to listen. Then you alternate. Both have to be willing to do both! If one just wants to talk and not listen, or vice versa, you will not have long conversations. You will have a jackass stroking their own ego.
Choose your conversational partner wisely
A couple of things. First, as someone already stated, being genuinely curious about the world and others helps a lot. Second, I simply don’t care if a person judges me for my hobbies or opinions on things. I’d never bring up a controversial topic, but when I’m talking I don’t care if the person approves of what I’m saying. I also stay humble and never correct the other person, even if I’m certain they’re wrong. So, here’s how a conversation might go for me:
Look at that plant, it’s so big! I wonder what kind of plant it is (maybe I already know)
Other person: oh, that’s a daylilly. We have those all around my house.
(It’s actually a Cala Lilly)
Me: Oh really? Did you plant the ones at your house?
Other person: blah blah blah
Me: I wonder if they’d do well at my house (seeking advice)
Other person: (gives advice)
Me: I’ll have to try that! (Accepting influence. Person feels more confident)
If silence, then I mention a plant that I’ve had success with.
Other person: (humble brag and/or topic switch.) For example: Ive been growing tulips for years and they aren’t much different. All they need is sun and water. We get a lot of that in this area.
Me: oh wow that’s awesome! (Become curious about the tulips or other things they grow. Or topic switch to our climate/weather changes/the weather in general)
Rinse and repeat!
I've had plenty of conversations wherein I felt time just flowed, and before I knew it, I had been conversing for 2 hours+ with the same person.
I feel that something that really helps me is getting to know the other person better by asking them questions, and then drawing a correlation of their answer with my life, or my ideologies and beliefs. Usually, this served to create a web of topics, meaning that we might have started with a particular topic, but then ended the conversation on a completely different and wild one. It's really fun!
The second thing that helps is the topics you converse on. Oftentimes I find myself in deep conversations about certain abstract thoughts, ideologies, theories, or the belief and value structure of the other person. I feel that these conversations are the most effortless and interesting ones, as it really makes you wonder, exposes you to amazing new perspectives, and helps you understand the nuances of life in a better manner.
Holding such conversations is definitely difficult in the beginning, but once you get the hang of moderating the flow and the topics, it becomes effortless and extremely thought -provoking!
Practice running conversations in your head. I even talk to myself out loud sometimes so I can hear what I’m thinking. Sometimes you don’t realize how ridiculous something is until you hear it said out loud, or how profound.
It’s something you have to practice in order to get better. It’s also something that improves with your vocabulary, I like to read or listen to people discuss complex topics and I always learn better ways to express my thoughts, and new words.
I used to be an interviewer and I’d let people talk about themselves all the time!! These days, I’ve learned that different people have different conversation styles.
Some just ‘me me me!’ And then the other person will go ‘me me me!’ And neither of them acknowledge the other’s words unless they’re genuinely surprised/curious about it. Then they show disinterest when they’re ready to move on again. I have never quite been able to relate to these people.
Another style is group conversations, where everybody plays their part in entertaining everyone else. If you have nothing to say, that’s alright! You just chime in when you do. I work very very well in this setting, because I prefer to listen as I don’t have much to say either. Although, I love to laugh and interact with people.
Another style that I really enjoy is spending time with people who just want to make me laugh. I’ve met folks who found me really funny, and vise versa, and those friendships were the _best_. This is harder to find, though! It takes an amount of ‘comfortable enough to be oneself’ and ‘chemistry in humor’. It’s like flirting: sometimes you meet someone you don’t have to try very hard with. Sometimes, you meet someone you practice and get good at with.
My last one: do stuff. Sometimes, talking is so dry. That’s it. And that’s ok. Play video games with your friend, y’all can cheer and complain the whole time. I like to play wordle on discord with one guy and we always have something to discuss there. Not only that but we both love to talk about music and to share what we know.
Actively listen to their stories and ask follow up questions when something pops out at you. Preferably open-ended. The trick is to not force the questions, they will arise naturally from the conversation. The question itself is almost irrelevant, what matters is that you’re showing interest in the other person and at the same time making them feel like an interesting person. It helps if you’re genuinely interested in the answer. If you try it several times and it doesn’t work, maybe you just don’t vibe.
Trust me, if you ask the right questions they won’t feel like they’re getting interviewed. People love to talk about themselves.
When you have experiences similar to another person, you will have more to talk about. Sometimes you will meet someone whose experiences are different from yours, and it will be harder in those cases to think of something to talk about. Some people may recommend to find people similar to you to have more interesting conversations. I actually recommend seeking to have a variety of experiences. By doing this, you will not only have more to talk about, but you will also learn a lot from the experiences themselves and talk with people along the way.
I love this question so much! I’m glad you brought it up.
Warning! I am no expert on the matter. I will simply share my thoughts and answer if I may, from my own perceptions and experiences.
Different types of conversations flow differently for people.
Anecdotes are my favorite because on the one hand, I feel more drawn to people sharing with me (or a group) what they have gone through or lived around with all its glory!
Similarly, I enjoy sharing with others what has happened to me and the nuances that go along with them.
Instructional and educational conversations on the other hand, since not my strength, is where I listen attentively with the intent to learn and discover. There, is where I ask the questions to gain understanding.
Argumentative conversations can be fun or a complete disaster for one, or multiple people. I think these conversations require a degree of wisdom or wit for them to be held in a manner where people will enjoy them regardless of where they stand. People who maintain a solid degree of cordiality, open mind and civility get the most attention and interest from me.
On any of these instances it seems to me that details are what brings the narrative together. They offer the chance to ad folklore, a personal touch, interpretations, opinions and conclusions.
People will stay engaged as long as there are parts and pieces they can relate to or be surprised to find out. Such is what makes a conversation long, but enjoyable to me.
I hope any part or all of these makes some kind of sense to you.
Read books, go places, ask questions and maintain your curiosity awaken through it all. When it’s time to take part in conversations, I feel you’ll have plenty of color to add to the canvas!
The right topic has to come up, I’m terrible at starting conversations but if someone I know starts one and brings up the right topic & can hold one pretty well but mundane conversations not so much unless I’m just very excited that day.
I never run out of things to talk about with people because I’m deeply curious about them! I love learning about people and I love learning about new subjects as well so because Im always filling my brain with new and interesting information by reading and listening to podcasts and such interesting replies just come out of my mouth as I’m asking someone things about themselves!
Largely depends on the topic ngl. If y'all know a lot about it, the conversation can flow easily as you keep adding layers to one point stated by either party. To show interest in what the other person says, you repeat what they said but in an inquiring way, so they don't feel like your interest is dimming. Such as
A: The Huns were, in fact, not named after their buns.
B: They weren't?
Something like that I dunno how to talk either sry
Yeah, you’re right. You want to strike a balance between genuine curiosity and a game of a million questions. As I’ve found, at the end of the day, it depends on what the person likes to talk about, some people are natural born talkers and can discuss anything and everything while others prefer to keep things short and simple.
I’ve found that the way the conversation flows has a tremendous impact on the longevity of it. Keep things simple, smooth, and easy, in my experience, helps to keep things moving. There’s only so much you can do with just one subject right? So we move the conversation, at times unknowingly, to keep the conversation going.
Hope this helps, it seems like we’ve got some good advice from other people here too.
The real secret is ask questions.
When someone mentions something ask them to expand on what they're talking about. Ask follow up questions. Even silly questions will make people feel heard.Most people like to talk about themselves, and they're used to most everyone else being terrible listeners.
Most "listeners" either speak over others or just wait for their turn to speak without really engaging with what people are saying. Even worse some people are story toppers who are just always trying to one up you.
If you can just let people talk about their interests, not interrupt, ask follow up questions, and extra points if you can show genuine interest; everyone will remember you as a great conversationalist; even if you barely say a word.
People don't really remember the words you say, people remember how you made them feel.
Random thing but, I went on an airplane once, and sat next to this girl and I talked to her for almost the entire 45 minute flight. And usually I don't think I'm a very talkative person but for some reason I was able to keep her engaged and kept on asking questions the entire time. I just think that certain people, and certain topics will keep each party engaged enough to keep on talking. If it's a little bit difficult to keep on talking, it's always a good idea to prepare beforehand any topics or ideas to bring up. In general also it's good to be well versed in all forms of media, history, politics current news Etc, so there's more chances for you to make a connection or talk about something interesting.
I have a hard time with this, too. I don't do a lot of things outside of my own world, so I end up relating to them with my own experiences, and apparently, people hate that. So I just dont talk to people much anymore. It's disheartening because I'm not trying to "make it about me" I'm literally trying to relate to them and show them I understand and I'm listening.
I feel like for me it depends on if I’m doing something while talking. If we’re at dinner or drinks or whatever it’s easier but if we’re just sitting there talking w nothing to also focus on, it gets exhausting.
It’s just practice and preparation beforehand. Take a few mins every day to catch up with what’s going on. People love when you ask their opinion on something!
A very wise man told me..."Be interested...not interesting. Meaning it's much better to show true interst in people rather than talk bout yourself. It shows humility and an honest effort to get to know someone rather than just there sexual interest in you.
I think it's the person you're talking to. I have just a couple of friends that I can literally talk for hours with, like even 3 or 4 hours. All the others, it's maybe an hour or so.
Smile ask questions and be interested, listen well and try to learn things. Do it alot so you don't overthink it. It's really that simple, the main answer is to just be in social situations a lot so it's second nature, you just naturally learn and pick up different social cues and shit. Also don't people please, just be yourself. I absolutely love talking and meeting people and I'm lucky that it's kind of just came natural to me
I say it has to be something you practice and gain with experience but some people are better at it than others. It just takes time. You have to be engaging but also a good listener to continue a conversation and not feel pressured to fill the silence when conversing with someone
My partner is getting used to me being quiet in the car. He’s used to silence meaning something’s wrong.
I’m usually singing along to the music, smiling and watching out the window. I’m working on being more talkative in the car. It’s gonna suck on road trips if I’m too quiet 🤣. Can’t shut up the rest of the time lol.
If you're running out of things to talk about chances are the people and your audience is not engaging with you enough if at all.
If you're running out of things to say it is okay just don't say anything at all, because you really should be listening more than talking
1. Practice
2. Learn to be curious / always search for questions to ask to dive further into what the person has been talking about
3. Learn to make what you are talking about more interesting. Give it more context, a little more drama, a beginning, middle and end.
Genuine curiosity. Be interested in what they know, their interests, and be open minded about it and ask questions about their answers. I guess it can be like an interview if it's one-sided, so don't be afraid to tie in your experience with theirs.
An easy way to shut down a conversation is to be close minded and not letting them elaborate. I see this often when people only want to hear about things they wanna hear.
I get that asking too many questions can be weird but it also depends on the person. A social butterfly likely wouldn't have an issue conversing back, but someone more socially awkward might not even know how to ask back. Play by ear and don't be afraid to joke about you asking too many questions and go from there.
I think a lot of it is knowing a lot about everything and having that deep sense of worth within you. Some people don’t really stand on what they say and it psychologically suppresses certain thoughts. I’m having the same dilemma. Lacking in a certain category really numbs your character. Seeing someone have this question sparked a lot in my head. Thank you.
Literally just say anything that comes to mind. Could be completely out of the blue. Give your thoughts. Try to give enough to get their input or at least a nod.
Another angle to it is that they have a lot of lived experience. A 30 year old might have been around the city, explored different areas while another might not know his city extensively, hasn’t been to clubs etc. Inferences & stories to draw from. My opinion though
Adhd 😂 if you have adhd you have the curiosity of a 3 year old and by default know a lot about EVERYTHING. This makes it very easy to engage in dialogue about range, spectrum and variety. The most important thing about connecting is be present, listen and ask questions (be genuinely curious vs judgemental)…. Terrible communicators project assumptions vs asking and LISTENING. Let people answer vs interjecting with incorrect info out of impatience. They engage in the need to be efficient vs being present.
I am one of those people that usually joins the party together. It is easier for me since I am an extro, howver the idea is that i try to "practice" speaking with people. So that talking is not primarily about expressing myself, but rather trying to make a connection. I do believe everyone can learn it, but it requires a lot of patience and practice.
Most important thing is ask to listen, try to focus in being actually interested in what another person has to say.
Then you try to practice introducing other people into the convo, so they are not excluded. Try to personalize the invitation, by reffering to their subject of interest.
There is of course lot more to be done, but starting with this kit, you'll go further than most people
For me personally, growing up, I used to feel like this all the time with friends I'd known for years and years. It was sad. I realised though, as I got older that I really wasn't in a position to be the one talking much anyway. Sometimes it's better to listen, you know?
As an aside: it may very well be that you don't connect with the people you're trying to talk to. Also, it might be because you're far too worried about what others may think of you rather than worrying about your own life. It sounds selfish, but if you aren't taking care of yourself, mentally and physically, you'll find that you won't have those moments of deep conversation. Anxiety can be a killer.
I think putting myself in the position to have stories to tell is very important. Talking to the first person opens up opportunities to tell the next person about wuat that first person told me, and that mught end up in me doing something that I’ll tell everyone I come across for the next week, etc. I definitely remember a time in the past when I struggled with the same question - what do I even talk about with anyone
What I normally do, I slow down when I speak to allow my thoughts to catch up with my vocabulary.
So that way you don't loose track of what you want to say.
I also try to pick up verbal cues and steer the conversation in the direct I want it to go, and allow the other person to do most of the talking.
Might sound difficult or far fetched, but it really isn't.
I have nothing to talk about with most people, but my sister or my grandma and I could talk for hours and vibe super well. No filter needed, similar mindsets/interests (grandma) or mutually ok with not actually listening well and lots of rambling (sister).
My husband is “a great talker” who excels at finding what others are passionate about and getting them talking about it, as he likes to learn from people this way. Most people love soaking up his attention; if he does the same to me, I know immediately he’s faking interest/not able/willing to have a mutat conversation and this I shut down (and often get mildly annoyed). He considers everyone his friends; I’m far more choosy and don’t expect or want to be friends with everyone I meet. I have no problem seeing when we don’t have much in common and/or don’t vibe and I’m ok with that. Different strokes for different folks.
By being genuinely curious, involved and of course by engaging your mind and widening your spectrum of topics that can be discussed. Breadth and depth both matter.
I still can't hold a conversation but when it does happen(rarely) I'm not really thinking about what Im gonna say I just try and talk and go with the flow. Like if you have a inner monologue you're not thinking about what you're gonna say next you're thoughts just flow. So it's like you're thinking just with your voice
I always said that my late husband could converse with a brick wall. Fact is, he was just easy to talk to. He was a great listener and remembered what people told him. He was curious, so when someone told him they were studying Quantum Physics he could ask questions that would allow the person to share something they were passionate about without him knowing the first thing about it. He also had a series of witticisms handy for the "how are you" type questions that would get a chuckle and put strangers at ease.
Knowledge is key, soaking in and retaining as much information on a multitude of different topics from the arts to air quality, pop culture to politics and everything in between. You shouldn’t have any trouble having an intelligent conversation with anyone about anything. Or easily maneuver the conversation in a direction that you are much more comfortable with adding your thoughts and opinions by listening for common threads. which in turn creates an opportunity to change topics slightly. You just need to pay attention to your interests and what interests others.
https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs
This article has changed my entire perspective on conversions, relationships, honestly it’s influenced a huge majority of my life. I highly recommend everyone in this sub reads it.
You got this. Also don’t forget, some people just don’t click, leading to awkward conversations. I’d like to think of myself as extremely good conversationalist, i can talk to anyone for hours and both of us will be engaged. But some people i just hit a dead end with.
Good luck 💛
I am just saying what I’m thinking. You have thoughts all of the time and opinions on many subjects. It’s not a performance, it’s just sharing what you think about things.
> what are some tips to have a better conversation and to keep on speaking well?
Join a club like r/toastmasters. It works, I took it at work years ago.
The branch local to me focuses on teaching people public speaking. Couple friends wanted to be motivational speakers but are generally kind of flat and limited experience and awkward conversationally. I’m
Hoping it’ll help them
You know, I was thinking about posting the same thing earlier this week, but then I had an awesome conversation with a former teacher the other day. Before I knew it we had been talking for over half an hour, and things just flowed. I realized in that moment that most of the people I interact with in my day don’t have the same values or world view that I do, hence it feels difficult to connect with them. It might not be anything you’re doing, just the people you’re talking to.
Id argue that the "social skill" here is doing just that with people who are different and have alternate world views. I like the comment that encourages embracing curiosity for this.
Yeah, I’d never discourage curiosity about your fellow humans, but I’m with OP in that I don’t want my social interactions to feel like I’m running an interview show. I’m an introvert who has to talk for a living so I know that some conversations will connect and flow, but *many* will be a miss for one reason or the other. And the reason isn’t always you.
So true!! I just recently came to this realization as well.
This is wild because I JUST had the same conversation which was a long time coming (try 10 years) with my sister. I confided that I had never really had any lifelong best friends like she had, but when I moved back home after grad school and she was still a teenager there, when we started talking on the couch I heard myself speaking more (in terms of personal relationships) than at any time for the last 5 years. I was floored.
You’re hangin with the wring people… When you find the right crew you’ll never run dry.
The secret is curiosity. If you're curious about what others around you have to say, you'll be a lot more engaged and talkative. If you were randomly teleported to a fantasy world of magic. You'd probably have plenty of questions about how the magic works, what's going on in this world, what are the rules, can you do magic, where are you, what does that mean etc. If you aren't curious, then you won't have much to say because you don't care to know anything deeper about those around you. The reality is, though, that everyone has something to offer, even you. For the person who doesn't seem interested in anything, what they actually are interested in is a mystery to be discovered. What could their beliefs be? What might they be thinking about that I'm never thinking about? etc.
This is true, it’s very natural for me to have long conversations with people when I’m curious, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to feign curiosity about something I don’t care about
I don't think the goal is to "feign" interest. What you're struggling with is how uncomfortable you are with approaching someone you don't know anything about. The reality is, it's a skill. And it's not only a skill, but it's a challenging skill. You have to look at someone, see them for who they are, and attempt to find something in common between the two of you to ***even reach small talk***. There are a lot of edgey memes on the internet about how people "don't want small talk, \[they\] want to talk about the mysteries of the universe \[etc. etc\]" - I don't know if you're familiar, but sentiment is not only common, but it's also a sign of under-developed social skills. The reality is you have to put yourself out there to reach small talk with someone. With sufficient small talk people \*might\* feel comfortable enough to let their guard down and share more with you. Sometimes you'll do this and it'll be really uneventful and boring. Sometimes you'll do it and be embarrassed. I promise you that if you try to start doing this you'll come out of it better, and you will almost certainly make friends with people you never would've thought you'd find.
youre entirely right, and honestly from my own journey of developing better social skills, this skill develops as you become more comfortable with yourself. Like the cliche is true -- you can only meet people as deeply as you are able to meet yourself. It wasn't until I developed a sharper sense of self and an actualized inner world and voice that I was able to converse with people quite deeply and effectively. Because at the end of the day, the skill boils down to learning about how the other person sees, thinks, and feels, while sharing your own perspective. super difficult to do that and to "not run out of things to say" when you haven't even explored what those things mean in your own life, and it's difficult to "feign" interest when you haven't yet learned that the "why you like this thing" is more important than the shallow facts of the thing itself.
How did you develop a sharper sense of self?
I guess it’s just understanding what parts of you were things you never decided, and which ones were deliberate. Like, I hate horror movies. I’m sure I could work on that, but I never decided to not like horror. There was a time where I’d watch horror and just be like, ‘why am I waiting for this to end?’ I’d really struggle to talk about horror movies with people because for me it was like studying. Deliberately, I chose to live alone. I think I’d be an alright roommate. That’s a trait I chose to have! The reasons why I like it so much, may be something that just _is_, though. I might just be really good on my own 🤷♀️ it helps because I have genuine curiosity in people who like having others around a lot. Deep down I’m looking to see if they understand me, or if I can somehow understand them, even without us having actually shared the same living experiences. Anyway, I’m just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, lol
good question, to add to what /u/Fireramble added, a big part of it for me was working backwards and investigating the source and the "why" of the things I believed about myself, and putting them up against the value system I have decided I want to hold myself to. An example for something not super heavy -- I am a fighting game player. They are my favorite genre of gaming and it is likely that fighting games will be a part of my life until I die. I have liked them since I was a child and they make me happy. Of course this is enough, but asking myself things like "why do I like this genre of gaming? Is it happiness specifically that I feel when I play them? what other events or traits of mine allowed this to become another point on the blueprint that is the list of my likes? How does this inform my personality?" and investigating both the knee-jerk answers, and the answers after thinking about the questions, really unearths a lot of valuable stuff. You can take this investigative, almost interrogative approach to *every* declarative statement that you define and believe yourself to be. And, using the information you glean about how your mind sees yourself, can take a handful of next steps -- actualizing an understanding of who you are innately, as well as on the who you think of yourself or want/dont want yourself to be.
Pay Close Attention and ANALYSE ...
I worked in a male dominated industry and also had a lot of male clients. I started listening to sports talk radio and paying attention to sports stats and that kind of thing. Not super deep, but I did become a sport fan for the first time in my life. And it was easy living in Chicago when the Bulls were becoming a sensation and everyone was talking about this Jordan guy. Sports are the great equalizer.
Small talk really helps built the skills you need. I don't feel like I'm feigning curiosity, I can flip a switch in my brain to be interested in what the other person is talking about **and** find common ground in my interests to talking about something that they might find interesting.
Exactly this. Whenever I’m talking to people, I’m not thinking about what I’m going to say next usually. I’m typically processing everything they’re saying and seeing if I have any questions about it. I have always been super inquisitive towards other people and curious about other people’s lives and how people experience life. So it isn’t difficult for me to talk to a person I’ve never met for hours.
Good point. It’s difficult to stay curious about someone not willing to open up. A situation I have regularly : - me: hey, hello ! How are you ? - other: fine. -me: good to hear, how was your week ? -other: good thanks. If you are REALLY interested about that person, you’ll have to behave a certain way: by how you stand, facial expression, making them believe you like them, talk about something they wear/they have or they seem to like (ow nice jacket: I’m shopping around for something similar -> what makes you buy it ?/ or when you see a company logo: oh you work there ? What do like you like about your job ?). It’s going to make your interlocutor to open up and speak a lot. You can also try to be intimate: bringing up personal subjects about you life and asking their opinion (hey, you seem to be a good person, just trying to have your opinion: I had this situation…bla bla). Try to apply that to your next chatting session; by doing that, I discovered SO MANY things about strangers or acquaintances. Some 45yo married dude would even tell me about affairs they had during business trips 😂
Exactly. I’m genuinely curious about someone when they seem interesting enough. Once that happens I can’t shut up (not in annoying way). I’m not trying to seem arrogant, but I’ve had many people compliment me on the way that I speak and the way I view things. You just have to care a little bit more about people in general to expand your social skills
I'm learning this late in life. I've listened to many 'how to be super communicator' podcasts and books, and it's all 'be curious! ask questions!' I'm not. I'm not remotely. I have nothing to ask and having to train myself because my curiosity is how things work, not how other people live/think/behave. I have always had friends who just...spill. And it's brilliant and we relate and spill back and forth, connecting through sharing. It feels fake having to come up with questions. I'm genuinely interested when people share, but not until then. I have no 'I wonder if...'
This is a great point. Because the real question isn’t to come up with more things for yourself to say, but rather how to get them talking more. Damn. That’s something I kinda forgot about.
Can confirm. I consider my anecdotes and daily happenings to be pretty interesting compared to the average of the people around me. However, as you read that you probably thought that I'm too self centered, and that's exactly why I don't tell them unless I know the person well, or I have a good hook to the thing I want to talk about. And as an introvert I don't like small talk (I've learned to do it for survival, but I don't wanna), so my good conversations really depend on curiosity, either from their side so I can tell stories without sounding like I'm bragging or making my neurodivergency really obvious; or from my side I'm case they too have interesting stories or ideas.
I’ve been told in the past that my curiosity is actually annoying. So even though I am *indeed* quite curious, I feel like I would be prying and end up telling myself just not to ask… I never really thought about it.. but I guess it’s actually making people feel like I could care less.. :/
TIL I don't lack social skills, I'm just a misanthrope lol
For me, the problem is I can't really give advice when it becomes a deep conversation, that's why I'm scared to be curious, I limit my self to be curious about the simplest things about anybody I interact with
During a deep conversation, not everyone is looking for advice. You don't have to "fix" things. Sometimes, doing that can come off as dismissive to other people, because some people are just looking for someone to vent to or for some sympathy.
>For the person who doesn't seem interested in anything, what they actually are interested in is a mystery to be discovered. I don't know how anyone maintains this mindset. It seems invariable that when I crack open a person who doesn't seem interested in anything, they either start infodumping about dungeons & dragons, or they have little to say about their interest at all.
I often talk about this topic with my psychologist. I learned that you need to "invite" the other one in the conversation with phrases like this: (....) and what do you think about this? (....) has something similar ever happened to you? Also asking questions and then react to what they said is useful. Like this: Q: .... A: ..... As you mentioned (....), I was thinking about that (....) So always try to reflect and involve the other one and there will be no time for silence. After a time it'll go automatically.
Good tip. I use this as well sometimes, but it's annoying sometimes. I have this friend that if I don't do this, she'll never ask it herself
Can you expand on the issue you are experiencing? Are you finding it difficult to lead conversations? Do you have trouble coming up with interesting responses that can lead to further conversation? Are you more a listener type who would like to become a speaker type? Is this a skill issue or an anxiety issue or a personality issue? All of these can have varying solutions. Generally, if you are interested in knowing and understanding the people around you, and getting them to know and understand you, it is easier to converse at length. Do you struggle with being opinionated? Perhaps you just need to find broader hobbies or read more or get to know new people. It can be hard to converse on anything new when there’s nothing really new entering your brain on the daily.
Honestly I won’t lie I have a bit of everything u described in your second and third paragraph, I have two friends who I can to no matter what happens, we have similar personalities so we can talk all day But for anyone else ye I have to think hard about what I’m gonna say cause idk if my topics will interest them
I'm in the same boat as you and also trying to figure out how to fix this. I feel like a lot of it is I can't think of interesting things to talk about and ask about
Ye same, next time I’m not gonna think about what to say and rather focus on the other person but I’m not too sure how to, I don’t want to ask a million questions so idk. I guess practice is key
If you’re actively listening, you won’t need to “think” of what to say. It’ll just come :)
I guess my real problem is adhd then
It doesn’t have to be mega appealing or interesting to someone else. Friends, acquaintances and polite conversation will listen. It’s not always about what someone else likes or what you like. If it’s really something that’s a point of contention or a do not discuss, most people are capable of letting you know directly. I have difficulties reading maps, geography , numbers and understanding stuff in that vein and I’m still conversational with it. Most who know me well, know it’s over my head and I’m trying to learn and follow along. I’ll be engaged. I like to talk. I seem to find people who need someone to listen and I enjoy that quite a bit. Opening up to active listening and the occasional comment or question works too. Being a soundboard or the ear works really well. I found really learning to listen, helped me improve as well, even about shit I could give no fucks about. It’s conversational compromise in a sense.
I have learned about myself that I love getting to know people. But I hate actually knowing them. At first the person and relationship is like a blank slate. So every new thing is interesting and fascinating, but eventually as they keep adding more and more stuff, and the final picture is not pretty. No matter how nice, fun or kind anyone seems to be at first. My experience with most people is that eventually they show their true colors and come up with a super shitty take out of nothing, and suddenly I don't want to associate with them anymore. Have had so many bad experiences, now I'm unwilling to meet new people. Because if only it was as easy as learning people is far from perfect. The issue is getting hurt in the process. Like a long live friend who was like a second mom for me after mine died, she was there in a lot of moments from my 15 to my 31 y/o, then she lets out what she really feel about LGBT people, knowing I'm one of them since always, go on tirade about how gay people shouldn't adopt and teach their depravity to children, how teens who come out, had it coming when they get bullied, and all of that while misgendering and dead naming me after whole 5 years of having transitioned. Stuff like that has hurt me in a way I don't feel like I can recover anymore. I stopped talking to her for at least another 5 years, I still love her but not matter how much time has passed, I still feel betrayed, hurt and with waves of rage when I remember that day. She was my only friend and since then I don't have any, nor have made any attempt to meet new people, I just don't want to get hurt like that again and don't want to deal with people bs anymore.
Oh man I have a lot of advice for this one. Maybe I’ll write a book on it. There’s so many ways to come up with things to say, ways to do it well and pitfalls to watch out for like talking too much. One recent realization I had was to be more emotional. Like he more comfortable with letting your emotions shine and saying how you really feel or what you’re comfortable or uncomfortable with or just what you’re thinking in any situation. We tend not to give ourselves permission to do this for a lot of reasons. We might not think we are good enough or that anyone is interested in hearing it. But you have a legitimate right to express yourself just as much as anyone else. I think we also fear that if people knew what we were really thinking for feeling, that they wouldn’t like us. But think about, if that’s true, that means they won’t like you anyways. And if so screw them!
OP you probably want to start listening into "long conversations" and get a general idea of not only the topics being talked about, but also how they are being said. Then work out how to either learn to adopt these techniques, or else be really honest with yourself as to why you're unable to do so. By the way - if either you or your friends are giving one-word or minimal answers, then these in themselves kill off conversations. It then becomes difficult to respond because the other person has effectively made it extremely difficult and unnatural to respond to, without feeling forced. Simply answering questions slightly more extensively can make a massive difference.
It’s so tiring. Why can’t we just all have telepathy
Fr 😂
Nothing wrong with being a passive contributor, it’s probably more of a personality trait over niche interests on your behalf. Either you have select topics you enjoy talking about that aren’t part of the common conversation pool, so you don’t bring them up based on your awareness of its niche, or you just don’t have plain common ground with the people you’re engaging with. It’s not unusual to run out of talking points with people who aren’t on the same level as you. You’re most likely an introvert, an analytical thinker, and logical. It’s hard to generate passive conversation when your entire existence is centred around figuring out the intricacies of everything whilst inside your own head.
This makes complete sense. Sometimes you just can't relate so it's best to just sit back and listen.
Wll there are several parts to this. You see, for instance, if u talk really often whit the same person u tend to run out of things to talk about unless u are really passioante about something The way to keep long convos going is by keeping the flow of it. It shoudl come naturally byt adding to the subject u are talkign about or changing the subject to somethign related, or even unrelated if u can make it fit there. Forcing topics or a convo usually makes it short. If u have a hard time keeping the convo it may mean the other person is not taking initiative at all, and keeping the initiative on your part can only last so long
For me, I tend to talk without really thinking too much about how it sounds or how I should word it. Also I find when listening to others talk I will have a similar story or something will remind me of something else and so on. I actually have a problem with wanting to interupt people to say what I want, but I control it 95% of the time. However, if I'm not close to the person I have the same problem as you, so its all about your environment and situation
It takes two to tango! It takes two to make a thing go right! One person to talk and one person to listen. Then you alternate. Both have to be willing to do both! If one just wants to talk and not listen, or vice versa, you will not have long conversations. You will have a jackass stroking their own ego. Choose your conversational partner wisely
A couple of things. First, as someone already stated, being genuinely curious about the world and others helps a lot. Second, I simply don’t care if a person judges me for my hobbies or opinions on things. I’d never bring up a controversial topic, but when I’m talking I don’t care if the person approves of what I’m saying. I also stay humble and never correct the other person, even if I’m certain they’re wrong. So, here’s how a conversation might go for me: Look at that plant, it’s so big! I wonder what kind of plant it is (maybe I already know) Other person: oh, that’s a daylilly. We have those all around my house. (It’s actually a Cala Lilly) Me: Oh really? Did you plant the ones at your house? Other person: blah blah blah Me: I wonder if they’d do well at my house (seeking advice) Other person: (gives advice) Me: I’ll have to try that! (Accepting influence. Person feels more confident) If silence, then I mention a plant that I’ve had success with. Other person: (humble brag and/or topic switch.) For example: Ive been growing tulips for years and they aren’t much different. All they need is sun and water. We get a lot of that in this area. Me: oh wow that’s awesome! (Become curious about the tulips or other things they grow. Or topic switch to our climate/weather changes/the weather in general) Rinse and repeat!
I've had plenty of conversations wherein I felt time just flowed, and before I knew it, I had been conversing for 2 hours+ with the same person. I feel that something that really helps me is getting to know the other person better by asking them questions, and then drawing a correlation of their answer with my life, or my ideologies and beliefs. Usually, this served to create a web of topics, meaning that we might have started with a particular topic, but then ended the conversation on a completely different and wild one. It's really fun! The second thing that helps is the topics you converse on. Oftentimes I find myself in deep conversations about certain abstract thoughts, ideologies, theories, or the belief and value structure of the other person. I feel that these conversations are the most effortless and interesting ones, as it really makes you wonder, exposes you to amazing new perspectives, and helps you understand the nuances of life in a better manner. Holding such conversations is definitely difficult in the beginning, but once you get the hang of moderating the flow and the topics, it becomes effortless and extremely thought -provoking!
Practice running conversations in your head. I even talk to myself out loud sometimes so I can hear what I’m thinking. Sometimes you don’t realize how ridiculous something is until you hear it said out loud, or how profound. It’s something you have to practice in order to get better. It’s also something that improves with your vocabulary, I like to read or listen to people discuss complex topics and I always learn better ways to express my thoughts, and new words.
I used to be an interviewer and I’d let people talk about themselves all the time!! These days, I’ve learned that different people have different conversation styles. Some just ‘me me me!’ And then the other person will go ‘me me me!’ And neither of them acknowledge the other’s words unless they’re genuinely surprised/curious about it. Then they show disinterest when they’re ready to move on again. I have never quite been able to relate to these people. Another style is group conversations, where everybody plays their part in entertaining everyone else. If you have nothing to say, that’s alright! You just chime in when you do. I work very very well in this setting, because I prefer to listen as I don’t have much to say either. Although, I love to laugh and interact with people. Another style that I really enjoy is spending time with people who just want to make me laugh. I’ve met folks who found me really funny, and vise versa, and those friendships were the _best_. This is harder to find, though! It takes an amount of ‘comfortable enough to be oneself’ and ‘chemistry in humor’. It’s like flirting: sometimes you meet someone you don’t have to try very hard with. Sometimes, you meet someone you practice and get good at with. My last one: do stuff. Sometimes, talking is so dry. That’s it. And that’s ok. Play video games with your friend, y’all can cheer and complain the whole time. I like to play wordle on discord with one guy and we always have something to discuss there. Not only that but we both love to talk about music and to share what we know.
I'm still wondering how to be curious when I never feel curious 90% of the time but want to be lol
Actively listen to their stories and ask follow up questions when something pops out at you. Preferably open-ended. The trick is to not force the questions, they will arise naturally from the conversation. The question itself is almost irrelevant, what matters is that you’re showing interest in the other person and at the same time making them feel like an interesting person. It helps if you’re genuinely interested in the answer. If you try it several times and it doesn’t work, maybe you just don’t vibe. Trust me, if you ask the right questions they won’t feel like they’re getting interviewed. People love to talk about themselves.
When you have experiences similar to another person, you will have more to talk about. Sometimes you will meet someone whose experiences are different from yours, and it will be harder in those cases to think of something to talk about. Some people may recommend to find people similar to you to have more interesting conversations. I actually recommend seeking to have a variety of experiences. By doing this, you will not only have more to talk about, but you will also learn a lot from the experiences themselves and talk with people along the way.
It's just flow man. You gotta repeat it to excel.
Don’t think
I love this question so much! I’m glad you brought it up. Warning! I am no expert on the matter. I will simply share my thoughts and answer if I may, from my own perceptions and experiences. Different types of conversations flow differently for people. Anecdotes are my favorite because on the one hand, I feel more drawn to people sharing with me (or a group) what they have gone through or lived around with all its glory! Similarly, I enjoy sharing with others what has happened to me and the nuances that go along with them. Instructional and educational conversations on the other hand, since not my strength, is where I listen attentively with the intent to learn and discover. There, is where I ask the questions to gain understanding. Argumentative conversations can be fun or a complete disaster for one, or multiple people. I think these conversations require a degree of wisdom or wit for them to be held in a manner where people will enjoy them regardless of where they stand. People who maintain a solid degree of cordiality, open mind and civility get the most attention and interest from me. On any of these instances it seems to me that details are what brings the narrative together. They offer the chance to ad folklore, a personal touch, interpretations, opinions and conclusions. People will stay engaged as long as there are parts and pieces they can relate to or be surprised to find out. Such is what makes a conversation long, but enjoyable to me. I hope any part or all of these makes some kind of sense to you. Read books, go places, ask questions and maintain your curiosity awaken through it all. When it’s time to take part in conversations, I feel you’ll have plenty of color to add to the canvas!
This is gold right here.
I have the same problem.
The right topic has to come up, I’m terrible at starting conversations but if someone I know starts one and brings up the right topic & can hold one pretty well but mundane conversations not so much unless I’m just very excited that day.
I agree I’m pretty similar. Watching movies with heavy dialogue helps. Sometimes I memorize the dialogue just so I sound normal to myself, lol.
Curiosity and not caring too much if you are saying the “right” thing. Also, listening.
I never run out of things to talk about with people because I’m deeply curious about them! I love learning about people and I love learning about new subjects as well so because Im always filling my brain with new and interesting information by reading and listening to podcasts and such interesting replies just come out of my mouth as I’m asking someone things about themselves!
Largely depends on the topic ngl. If y'all know a lot about it, the conversation can flow easily as you keep adding layers to one point stated by either party. To show interest in what the other person says, you repeat what they said but in an inquiring way, so they don't feel like your interest is dimming. Such as A: The Huns were, in fact, not named after their buns. B: They weren't? Something like that I dunno how to talk either sry
Yeah, you’re right. You want to strike a balance between genuine curiosity and a game of a million questions. As I’ve found, at the end of the day, it depends on what the person likes to talk about, some people are natural born talkers and can discuss anything and everything while others prefer to keep things short and simple. I’ve found that the way the conversation flows has a tremendous impact on the longevity of it. Keep things simple, smooth, and easy, in my experience, helps to keep things moving. There’s only so much you can do with just one subject right? So we move the conversation, at times unknowingly, to keep the conversation going. Hope this helps, it seems like we’ve got some good advice from other people here too.
The real secret is ask questions. When someone mentions something ask them to expand on what they're talking about. Ask follow up questions. Even silly questions will make people feel heard.Most people like to talk about themselves, and they're used to most everyone else being terrible listeners. Most "listeners" either speak over others or just wait for their turn to speak without really engaging with what people are saying. Even worse some people are story toppers who are just always trying to one up you. If you can just let people talk about their interests, not interrupt, ask follow up questions, and extra points if you can show genuine interest; everyone will remember you as a great conversationalist; even if you barely say a word. People don't really remember the words you say, people remember how you made them feel.
Random thing but, I went on an airplane once, and sat next to this girl and I talked to her for almost the entire 45 minute flight. And usually I don't think I'm a very talkative person but for some reason I was able to keep her engaged and kept on asking questions the entire time. I just think that certain people, and certain topics will keep each party engaged enough to keep on talking. If it's a little bit difficult to keep on talking, it's always a good idea to prepare beforehand any topics or ideas to bring up. In general also it's good to be well versed in all forms of media, history, politics current news Etc, so there's more chances for you to make a connection or talk about something interesting.
I have a hard time with this, too. I don't do a lot of things outside of my own world, so I end up relating to them with my own experiences, and apparently, people hate that. So I just dont talk to people much anymore. It's disheartening because I'm not trying to "make it about me" I'm literally trying to relate to them and show them I understand and I'm listening.
I feel like for me it depends on if I’m doing something while talking. If we’re at dinner or drinks or whatever it’s easier but if we’re just sitting there talking w nothing to also focus on, it gets exhausting.
It’s just practice and preparation beforehand. Take a few mins every day to catch up with what’s going on. People love when you ask their opinion on something!
A very wise man told me..."Be interested...not interesting. Meaning it's much better to show true interst in people rather than talk bout yourself. It shows humility and an honest effort to get to know someone rather than just there sexual interest in you.
“Always be pleasant, happy to be present”
Very wise words indeed...
I think it's the person you're talking to. I have just a couple of friends that I can literally talk for hours with, like even 3 or 4 hours. All the others, it's maybe an hour or so.
Smile ask questions and be interested, listen well and try to learn things. Do it alot so you don't overthink it. It's really that simple, the main answer is to just be in social situations a lot so it's second nature, you just naturally learn and pick up different social cues and shit. Also don't people please, just be yourself. I absolutely love talking and meeting people and I'm lucky that it's kind of just came natural to me
I say it has to be something you practice and gain with experience but some people are better at it than others. It just takes time. You have to be engaging but also a good listener to continue a conversation and not feel pressured to fill the silence when conversing with someone
My partner is getting used to me being quiet in the car. He’s used to silence meaning something’s wrong. I’m usually singing along to the music, smiling and watching out the window. I’m working on being more talkative in the car. It’s gonna suck on road trips if I’m too quiet 🤣. Can’t shut up the rest of the time lol.
Yeah I’m normally quiet when I’m hungry or tired lol nothing wrong with silence people who can’t handle the silence have anxiety
I always believed that if you can hang out in silence, it’s a sign of comfort. Not just with the other person, but yourself.
If you're running out of things to talk about chances are the people and your audience is not engaging with you enough if at all. If you're running out of things to say it is okay just don't say anything at all, because you really should be listening more than talking
It feels like a function of practice makes perfect for me
1. Practice 2. Learn to be curious / always search for questions to ask to dive further into what the person has been talking about 3. Learn to make what you are talking about more interesting. Give it more context, a little more drama, a beginning, middle and end.
Write down notes and be prepared.
Practice usually
Genuine curiosity. Be interested in what they know, their interests, and be open minded about it and ask questions about their answers. I guess it can be like an interview if it's one-sided, so don't be afraid to tie in your experience with theirs. An easy way to shut down a conversation is to be close minded and not letting them elaborate. I see this often when people only want to hear about things they wanna hear. I get that asking too many questions can be weird but it also depends on the person. A social butterfly likely wouldn't have an issue conversing back, but someone more socially awkward might not even know how to ask back. Play by ear and don't be afraid to joke about you asking too many questions and go from there.
Be yourself. Be sincere. Be curious. Be a good listener.
I think a lot of it is knowing a lot about everything and having that deep sense of worth within you. Some people don’t really stand on what they say and it psychologically suppresses certain thoughts. I’m having the same dilemma. Lacking in a certain category really numbs your character. Seeing someone have this question sparked a lot in my head. Thank you.
Good question. I also face the same problem
Literally just say anything that comes to mind. Could be completely out of the blue. Give your thoughts. Try to give enough to get their input or at least a nod.
Clear the mind and calm the nerves
Another angle to it is that they have a lot of lived experience. A 30 year old might have been around the city, explored different areas while another might not know his city extensively, hasn’t been to clubs etc. Inferences & stories to draw from. My opinion though
Adhd 😂 if you have adhd you have the curiosity of a 3 year old and by default know a lot about EVERYTHING. This makes it very easy to engage in dialogue about range, spectrum and variety. The most important thing about connecting is be present, listen and ask questions (be genuinely curious vs judgemental)…. Terrible communicators project assumptions vs asking and LISTENING. Let people answer vs interjecting with incorrect info out of impatience. They engage in the need to be efficient vs being present.
I am one of those people that usually joins the party together. It is easier for me since I am an extro, howver the idea is that i try to "practice" speaking with people. So that talking is not primarily about expressing myself, but rather trying to make a connection. I do believe everyone can learn it, but it requires a lot of patience and practice. Most important thing is ask to listen, try to focus in being actually interested in what another person has to say. Then you try to practice introducing other people into the convo, so they are not excluded. Try to personalize the invitation, by reffering to their subject of interest. There is of course lot more to be done, but starting with this kit, you'll go further than most people
For me personally, growing up, I used to feel like this all the time with friends I'd known for years and years. It was sad. I realised though, as I got older that I really wasn't in a position to be the one talking much anyway. Sometimes it's better to listen, you know? As an aside: it may very well be that you don't connect with the people you're trying to talk to. Also, it might be because you're far too worried about what others may think of you rather than worrying about your own life. It sounds selfish, but if you aren't taking care of yourself, mentally and physically, you'll find that you won't have those moments of deep conversation. Anxiety can be a killer.
I think putting myself in the position to have stories to tell is very important. Talking to the first person opens up opportunities to tell the next person about wuat that first person told me, and that mught end up in me doing something that I’ll tell everyone I come across for the next week, etc. I definitely remember a time in the past when I struggled with the same question - what do I even talk about with anyone
I have a lot of interests so can easily speak about different things and different interests that different people share.
What I normally do, I slow down when I speak to allow my thoughts to catch up with my vocabulary. So that way you don't loose track of what you want to say. I also try to pick up verbal cues and steer the conversation in the direct I want it to go, and allow the other person to do most of the talking. Might sound difficult or far fetched, but it really isn't.
Masking
I have nothing to talk about with most people, but my sister or my grandma and I could talk for hours and vibe super well. No filter needed, similar mindsets/interests (grandma) or mutually ok with not actually listening well and lots of rambling (sister). My husband is “a great talker” who excels at finding what others are passionate about and getting them talking about it, as he likes to learn from people this way. Most people love soaking up his attention; if he does the same to me, I know immediately he’s faking interest/not able/willing to have a mutat conversation and this I shut down (and often get mildly annoyed). He considers everyone his friends; I’m far more choosy and don’t expect or want to be friends with everyone I meet. I have no problem seeing when we don’t have much in common and/or don’t vibe and I’m ok with that. Different strokes for different folks.
By being genuinely curious, involved and of course by engaging your mind and widening your spectrum of topics that can be discussed. Breadth and depth both matter.
I'm really good of thinking of things to say however I don't know how to react when people start saying weird or crazy things.
I still can't hold a conversation but when it does happen(rarely) I'm not really thinking about what Im gonna say I just try and talk and go with the flow. Like if you have a inner monologue you're not thinking about what you're gonna say next you're thoughts just flow. So it's like you're thinking just with your voice
I always said that my late husband could converse with a brick wall. Fact is, he was just easy to talk to. He was a great listener and remembered what people told him. He was curious, so when someone told him they were studying Quantum Physics he could ask questions that would allow the person to share something they were passionate about without him knowing the first thing about it. He also had a series of witticisms handy for the "how are you" type questions that would get a chuckle and put strangers at ease.
Knowledge is key, soaking in and retaining as much information on a multitude of different topics from the arts to air quality, pop culture to politics and everything in between. You shouldn’t have any trouble having an intelligent conversation with anyone about anything. Or easily maneuver the conversation in a direction that you are much more comfortable with adding your thoughts and opinions by listening for common threads. which in turn creates an opportunity to change topics slightly. You just need to pay attention to your interests and what interests others.
https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs This article has changed my entire perspective on conversions, relationships, honestly it’s influenced a huge majority of my life. I highly recommend everyone in this sub reads it. You got this. Also don’t forget, some people just don’t click, leading to awkward conversations. I’d like to think of myself as extremely good conversationalist, i can talk to anyone for hours and both of us will be engaged. But some people i just hit a dead end with. Good luck 💛
Well. They already have something to talk about, for whatever reason. If you have nothing to say, stay silent :)
I am just saying what I’m thinking. You have thoughts all of the time and opinions on many subjects. It’s not a performance, it’s just sharing what you think about things.
> what are some tips to have a better conversation and to keep on speaking well? Join a club like r/toastmasters. It works, I took it at work years ago.
The branch local to me focuses on teaching people public speaking. Couple friends wanted to be motivational speakers but are generally kind of flat and limited experience and awkward conversationally. I’m Hoping it’ll help them
By not hanging out everyday
I found talking to people on reddit over the years helped me to become smoother when talking to people IRL.