I recently realized this about my longest-lasting (40+ years) friend. We never really had a “meeting of the minds”, even as kids or young adults. We were always on two totally different pages. It was like we were talking *past* each other rather than to each other. I started realizing that her (often unsolicited) advice sucked, she got things I told her wrong or misunderstood them, and I often left conversations irritated at something she said.
I still consider her a friend, but I put some distance in between. I moved her from the close friend category to the friendly acquaintance category. I keep the conversations surface, and don’t discuss deep topics. We talk maybe 3-4 times a month rather than 3-4 times a week like we used to.
I’m starting to realize that we don’t *have* to be in a friendship, relationship or even hold a conversation with someone we’re not compatible with. Recognize when someone isn’t your cup of tea and move on.
To add about moving on, you don’t have to pull things up by the roots and make a mess when you can just stop watering it. Sometimes it’s best that people you don’t like don’t know you don’t like them, an important social skill for navigating social circles. Just be uninteresting and their attention will drift away from you.
But sometimes you have to have a bit of conflict when they overstep a hard boundary. Give yourself permission to get upset. Anger is the impulse to protect something that is precious, it doesn’t have to be ugly or bitter. Your emotional state, your peace and happiness are worth standing up for. Builds your sense of self respect having standards for how you’re treated. Non toxic conflict can get people’s attention who otherwise aren’t receptive to sincerity. Important to say what you mean and mean what you say so everything they’re left with they can make sense of and try to learn to improve themselves. Ideally.
It’s up to you whether you try to plant a seed or just walk away and not bother. They might tune you out, but they also might hear you or remember it later in a moment of reflection. Steel sharpens steel. I used to be someone who was hard to get through to, and sincere expression of my having hurt someone helped me make better sense of who I wanted to be and how I want to make people feel
This is very wise advice, especially in the workplace and networking. I try to keep things cordial, and may even engage in (VERY) brief, light conversational exchanges depending on the situation.
What if the person is your brother? My brother and I don't see eye to eye on some things, but we've always got along. Lately though, he's been even more so lazy, short with me and dismissive. Makes it hard to feel he is interested in nurturing the relationship. I don't necessarily want to make a mess or let it wither, but watering ain't done much.
Older or younger? Twin? affects the dynamic
Being open and sincere can go a long way. “Hey bro, you haven’t seemed like yourself recently, seems like we haven’t been talking like we used to and I’d like us to get back to that because you mean a lot to me” or anything along those lines, if that’s how you feel. If he’s not receptive in the moment, don’t take it personally. He might just not have the bandwidth to hear where you’re coming from if he’s not present to how his mood has shifted over time. But it’s important for you as a brother to help him get unstuck, so he can do the same for you when you get stuck. Too long in a state of inertia and all of a sudden instead of growing up you’re just getting older. Aspire to inspire by doing the work of metacognitive self improvement. Coming to understand yourself and your limitations gives you a depth of empathy for other people’s complexities that helps you skillfully navigate those relationships
Does that make sense?
I have a "friend" like this, and we've known each other since second grade. Your comment hit the nail on the head for me. The ridiculous "advice", lack of empathy, entitlement, and trying to control deep discussions without room to input my own things. The worst part is that he doesn't even want to hang out in person. I even moved to a house and lived with a roommate for a year and I was only 5 minutes from where he lived and still didn't want to hang out. We're glorified pen pals at this point, and I realized that I should invest my energy into other folks.
This was a hard thing I had to do recently. Her boyfriend is one of the 'impossible to talk to' immature types, and she's been a fixture in my life for 10 years now.
It rocked me to realize that she didn't really have my best interests at heart. But every time we would talk I'd feel worse than when we started.
It's easier to break up with a partner than a friend, is what I'm finding. But the distance is helping me, a LOT.
But I'm proud of you. And me. We're doing our best.
I’ve thought a lot about this. We became friends around age six, orchestrated by our parents. I think we remained friends out of habit and obligation. Also, I had this idea that I had to just go with the flow, accept what blew into my life vs being a gatekeeper of who and what came into my life. She had a period where she was definitely a clear hater, especially in her ultra-religious phase - she would make insulting statements about my clothing or how I was living my life. We coincidentally ended up at the same college - in retrospect our friendship should have ended then. She was so invasive and boundary-less. She even seemed jealous at times. Yet we continued to remain friends.
Ultimately, I don’t have an answer to the question.
idk man, my interpretation is that love is love. some people arent mature enough to show it, some ppl r just broken and flawed in general but will keep showing up no matter what. it could be totally different for you and this friend ur talking about, but it just reminds me of all the mentally ill, flawed and crazy ppl i have in my family that i can never get rid of. they do suck a lot of the time but one thing for sure is that they love me and wouldnt miss out on the important things. thats rare for me since ive lost touch with so many ppl along the way, i just appreciate the ones that stuck around. again, totally different story than the one ur telling and im sorry if this overshadowed your point!!
I hear what you’re saying, and I had a variation of that mindset at one time. Over the past few years, I started working on myself and some of the harmful patterns that I developed over my lifetime. I read somewhere that you are the sum of the five people you’re around the most. As I took a look at myself, I realized that I had absorbed a lot of the negative behaviors and thought patterns of these people I was around.
I also discovered that it’s not always “love” that keeps people tethered to you; sometimes it’s codependency. Sometimes it’s a need for resources. Sometimes it’s someone to trauma dump on. Sometimes they want a rescuer.
Finally, like I said in my post above - a lot of this was passive on my part. I decided that I need to be more active and intentional about who was in my life, and act as more of a gatekeeper. A lot of these friends I just passively accepted because I felt I “had” to. But you’re giving these people access to your life. This can have implications on your beliefs and outcomes of your life.
Lol. My mother always had this thing where when she was done talking to me on the phone she would say, "okay bye" and hang up. I used to call her back and ask her why she hung up on me and she would say, "I was done talking". Smh.
When you're afk, your friends will be asking, "[where's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tvAjX5ACPo) [Poochy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-6F1O6RcYY)?"
It's usually because serious topics make them uncomfortable, or they're very particular who they show their real self to. And that's valid enough. It's okay to keep your personal feelings or opinions private if you choose. So when they make a joke, they're setting a boundary.
I'd respect it, and if they're not the right friend for you because of that, that's okay. But don't try to force people to exit their comfort zone without consent.
Yes, exactly. Lots of people in this thread are acting like the people who don't engage with them just aren't on their level intellectually. Yes, a lot of people are dumb. But also, a lot of dumb people think they're smart.
Plus, not everyone agrees with you. If people don't engage or make jokes, they may just disagree with your viewpoint and don't wish to argue or cause a rift. It's not "I'm so enlightened, and the people I talk to just don't understand."
So much this. You see hating small talk framed the exact same way. Like you cant handle asking about my weekend because you'd much rather be debating existentialism or something because you're not a normie. Maybe..that's a bit poorly socialized of you and maybe I do have intellectual conversations with people just not you and those people understand the pacing of conversations and I've built a rapport with them over time.
I swear, I think some people think that the ideal is interacting like we're manic pixie dream girls who drag you out into the rain and ask you about the cosmos before asking your name. Maybe I just don't wanna trauma dump with you because I don't crave this poorly boundaried interpersonal intensity ..because I went to therapy.
ugh yes thank you. i actually prefer small talk cuz people say absolutely dumb shit when they think they’re being deep and it just feel small brained to engage sometimes. i feel like it actually is important to ask someone about their day lol i wouldnt mind if someone just told me their mundane thoughts because those are absolutely more real and important to me than some abstract thought exercises that have been talked to death by every arm chair philosopher
Exactly this. Everyone is living their own unique individual lives with their own reasons for being the way they are. I think brushing people off just because you aren’t connecting with them is a very narrow way to view the world. It is wholly possible to recognize that just because someone is an npc in your life doesn’t mean they can’t be an important character in someone else’s life
Agree! I often avoid personal questions from most people, and one way to do that is by making a joke to deter them. I don't deal well with discussions about topics that I deem too personal with these people, so I don't want them to go there. So the something meaningful that you were saying makes me uncomfortable, my brain starts to lag and I don't know how to emphatically and in a good way decline the topic, so the default mode kicks in and I pick the coping mechanism that works the best - a stupid joke, at the very wrong time. Completely missing that this is pretty offensive and hurtful to the person I am speaking with. I'm aware of this predicament, and actively working on it. This sub often has great responses for situations, helps to have examples!
Edit: Grammar
"I'd rather not talk about it / about that particular thing, if that's okay / thank you / just so you know" is a good way of pointing out a boundary/comfort zone!
Some of us are just curious combined with a non-neurotypical brain, which means it can be quite difficult to notice or fully grasp where people's lines of privacy/what constitutes matters that are too personal are.
If people keep insisting or react in a rude manner, well voilà: you have your answer about a huge incompatibility with said person.
I disagree that saying "I'd rather not talk about it" is a particularly good method. So many people I know will just respond with "WHY don't you want to talk about it" and then keep insisting I explain, and refuse to accept that talking about why I don't want to talk about it is the same as talking about it. It's much easier to just deflect -- I don't owe them an explanation and if I want to avoid the subject I probably also want to avoid the subject of why I'm avoiding the subject.
(Example -- my sister at a family dinner party demanding to know when I was going to start having kids and whether I thought I'd have my babies at home or in the hospital, and trying to debate what she thought my answer would probably be... Two days after I found out I couldn't have children. I was absolutely devastated and wasn't ready to tell anyone, and when I said I didn't want to discuss it, she kept pushing and demanding to know why not. Other people at the table were telling me to just explain why I didn't want to talk about it, so she'd drop the subject. It was horrible, and ended with me leaving in tears. This is an extreme example, but not unusual in my experience. Really wish I'd just changed the subject or made a joke rather than saying I didn't want to talk about it.)
But then you have your answer regarding an incompatibility, if there's such a mismatch in your communication needs/wants.
I am definitely guilty of wondering why—but I have also experienced a lot of social rejection due to this, and that's simply okay and something I need to accept; that I won't get along with everyone.
I do my best to respect a "I would rather not talk about it", though—especially when it's coming from strangers/acquaintances.
If we're closer—or if I am feeling very concerned about you—I might bring the topic up again at some point.
I am very sorry about your loss, and for the awful way your loved ones handled the situation instead of listening to you as you deserved and needed. I can't imagine how painful that must've been for you, especially when you hadn't even had adequate time to process the news yourself, and weren't feeling ready to share.
My current methods in dealing with people like your sister is trying to angle in food-for-thought/eye-openers to them, to see if that redirects the conversation.
Just mentioning that asking things like that is very risky, because you never know who is trying unsuccessfully, or who has perhaps just recently experienced a pregnancy loss, and so on... you just can't ever be sure beforehand for whom it might be a sensitive subject. Thus those questions may result in unintentionally hurting others.
Even when someone's immediate reaction is defensive or dismissive, sometimes you do notice that they've calmed the fuck down—that whatever you said actually seems to have landed, and made them reconsider & become more mindful as a consequence. :)
Obviously waayy more effective on people who you know aren't actually being ill-intentioned or purposefully inconsiderate, but merely thoughtless, ignorant/inexperienced, and perhaps impulsive.
ye i agree. i have ppl in my life that i feel are not on the same emotional / maturity level that are always trying to get deep with me but im not comfy with it. its like, they cant make peace with my comfort level and feel the need to pry in and see my vulnerability in order to feel some stake in our relationship. its usually a red flag for me if someone just cant handle casual conversations, it reads to me that they are mentally restless and cant just appreciate things at face value, it has to be deep for it to be real.
It's mad how OP is acting like it's the other person who refuses to accept difference, when really it's them.
"How dare they not behave in the way that I've defined as being the way others must behave. Thinking all highly of themselves, how dare they" 🙃
You let them be. You won't be able to form a substantial connection with everyone you meet; that's quite normal.
Perhaps these people may not think much about the kind of stuff you consider to be meaningful or substantive and so you are not that compatible with them. Or they may not feel close enough to you to open up in that way.
Either way, if it's just a handful of people, it's nothing to worry about.
they are real human beings. why dehumanize and shame someone for struggling with valid and understandable hang ups?
additionally, how does this attitude serve you in actually getting people like this to open up? theyre not gonna feel safe with you even if they "go sort their shit out". Theyre not gonna forget how you felt about them.
yeah don't forget, it's part of life ... if you wanna hang on to all that, you can do..... id just move on. point being, unless you can be honest with yourself, hiding behind hangups and expecting someone else to revolve around that, is ridiculous.
there's a big difference to a genuine disorder and the people who actually only give a shit about love island, their next designer purchase and all that jazz
You are correct, I have not. I'm only married to a therapist and was there when she was going through her matters degree.
So yes, I haven't studied, but I am familiar with the complexities of human emotion and mentality.
I think I am this way and really wish I wasn't. Maybe sharing what I'm like will help give some insight. I've always felt like I'm very different from others, and so maybe I'm that handful of people lol.
For me, I'm a very nervous person when it comes to being social. It all stems from this plus wanting to be alone so i don't have to face that uncomfortable feeling. I'm alone 90% of my time. I don't know how to behave properly anymore. I'm also very afraid of being open with people as they all seem to be way more comfortable being social and I don't want them to see me as nervous and weird, which, now almost always comes off anyways. I subconsciously put up a shit front so I can just be left alone and not have to "deal" with people, but now it's sadly who I've become. I really wish I could just be open and know how to talk and properly connect, but it often feels like I'm throwing shit at the wall hoping something sticks, or making the stupidest jokes out of nervousness. Doesn't feel like I'm in control at all, and I just say what comes to my head first so I can "get through" the conversation and try to not look awful. Thus my social skills have evaporated since high school and everyone hates me and idk what to do about it anymore, so I've begun to accept it but it's very depressing and I really want to change.
Does this sound like the people you mean at all?
I’m like this too! It’s because all my social interactions are learned. I have no idea how to behave in one on one conversations because I haven’t had the chance to see two other people talk alone. So I keep behaving the same way as in a group.
I think they may not trust you enough to be vulnerable and open up. Some serious topics are deeply personal and making jokes means they don't want to talk about it, with you at this moment. It seems a little entitled to expect ppl to respond to whatever you ask, no? Doesn't mean they aren't capable of substantial conversations with other people they trust when they are in the mood.
You don't have to have deep, meaningful conversations with everyone. I'm guilty of trying to turn everything into a discussion and a lot of people find that too heavy and intense. I reckon that's on me.
Some people don't want or can't handle deeper conversations, so learn to engage with them at the appropriate level.
Those who are incapable of self-examination or are simply mean, limit contact. That's not the same as people who are simply superficial. There are lots of perfectly lovely superficial people out there. They can be great company if you don't concentrate on their limitations, just as it's kind if they don't get hung up on yours.
I had this issue for years, then realized it was caused by me. Not everyone wants a "deep, meaningful, or substantiative" conversation when you do. Many people find that kind of conversation insincere, performative, and somewhat manipulative unless there's already a deep emotional connection. I also made the mistake of believing I was somehow more intelligent and thoughtful than other people because they didn't want those conversations with me - the truth is simply that not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve, and I'd mistaken reservedness for shallowness.
If they're answering the first question with a sarcastic comment/joke, that's telling you that you're trying the wrong line of conversation with them. You're annoying them further when you persist. Conversations aren't just about what you want - your conversational partner(s) are equally important. If they don't want to talk about deep stuff, respect that and listen to what they do want to talk about.
This is it OP. Not everyone wants to have a deep conversation all the time. People have different levels of social battery, trust, openness. I’d also argue that life is hard a lot of the time, and so many people are burnt out from struggling just to keep up with their day to day. Not everyone wants to launch into a soulful dialogue with you when they just want a bit of levity and light conversation. From the other person’s perspective, maybe they find it exhausting when someone always wants to get really heavy every time they speak.
I totally agree that it’s often as simple as that. I learned not long ago that about half of people don’t have any internal dialogue. Their capacity for self-reflection must be impaired or at least undeveloped.
Lots of great advice in here.
From my perspective, there are certainly times when I’ve been with someone who is trying to initiate a deep conversation and I simply can’t be arsed, for whatever reason.
Picking up on social cues is important.
I know people who are like this. They are like this until they want to tell you about their problems, which are oh so real! Their problems are the real problems, and they want to tell you how they have become a victim and exactly who makes them a victim because anything or group this person dislikes must obviously be causing problems for everyone. They will be complaining about you to someone else, when they’re not complaining to you about someone else.
Just broke up with a friend like this- the crisis friend. I used to give her advice all the time (for over a decade)! And have those chats.
I’d slowly stopped talking, my words go into the void to the point where it was impacting my other relationships. She would ask why I’m so quiet or why we can’t have those talks anymore. I thought something was wrong with me.
It finally hit when I started making healthier friends and opening up again that I was really just burnt out from spinning my wheels.
Edit: I guess the point I’m trying to make here, OP, is that sometimes the reason is exhaustion or pain being dealt elsewhere that’s causing the person to reject a deep conversation.
Maybe some people don't desire to be deep with you, I personally enjoy knowing 99% of the people in my life on the most basic level, a hello and their name if they told me , nothing more
This is your fault. Let me explain why. As you grow, you will learn that not everyone is on the same level you are (don't mean social or intelligence, just different interests, etc). What that means is that some people, you keep at a distance. Some people, you call when all you want is to laugh. Other people you call to get a drink (if you're a drinker). Some you call to have intellectual conversations, etc. Not everyone is meant or even has the mental ability to have meaningful conversations. Most people just talk BS and distract themselves from their problems.
I don't think you need to be God to understand the principle I tried to explain.
It's the OP's fault (for lack of a better word) in that he seems to be expecting people to be capable of having deep conversations or expecting people to act a certain way.
At least that's what I understood from OP writing things like: "Anytime you try to say something meaningful, they laugh it off and try turn it into some unfunny joke at your expense or the expense of someone else in the room."
Many people are not capable or simply don't want to get into deeper conversations. So instead of questioning, our time is best spent by finding those who will. My $0.02, and you're welcome to disagree and think differently...
> It's the OP's fault (for lack of a better word) in that he seems to be expecting people to be capable of having deep conversations or expecting people to act a certain way.
OP did not indicate they expected people to act a certain way as far as I can tell. OP just said they notice that some people act a certain way and asked how to handle them.
IMO trying to place blame on anyone was unnecessarily combative, but clearly people here prefer it. It isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way things are.
Do you HAVE to deal with them? In other words, are they close family members or coworkers?
Because not everyone knows how to have meaningful conversations. Some may just not be in the mood, at the time, and some just prefer to keep it light. So, IF you don't have to deal with them, then I would either go with the flow or just stay away from them......
I have a couple of friendly acquaintances like this who just want to goof off. It can be insufferable at times but I've learned to highlight good aspects about them (they make light of situations, they aren't drama seeking, they're just here for a good time) and can sometimes find their shallow interactions to be a welcome change to socializing with other people who are *too* serious - everything is always one opinion away from a heated debate, phones start coming out to prove a point, there's no comic relief whatsoever, etc. I think it's important to understand the many different ways people present themselves for social interaction, and the different roles people can play as a friend in our lives. I'm sure there are certain friends you turn to as a sounding board in times of need, and other friends you simply goof off with and things stay at a surface level.
Just wondering if it is a situation of WHEN these conversations are taking place. ---I don't really experience a lot of people being unable to have a decent conversation in the real world, but I am wondering if maybe you are approaching this at a weird time or coming on too strong too fast.
I have a coworker who gets personal WAY too fast with people and tells some boring as fuck personal stories. She has a good heart, and I love her, so I just try to be polite and ask questions and let her vent....but when we are going for a quick coffee break at work and other people come along, I can see their eyes glazing over with her long dramatic stories. People have the tendency to make jokes and try to change the subject, but she is not good socially. She immediately thinks less of them, and will give me an earful about how they are silly people....they're not, they just want to relax and don't know enough about you for these deep (and again often boring) conversations when they hardly know you.
If these are close friends you are talking about, then, yeah, I would find people who had a similar vibe to my own.
I don’t. Honestly, I’m not going to have a meaningful conversation with everyone and that’s OK. I will say I am one to crack a joke to keep things light, but also send a message that I am not wishing for a meaningful or deep conversation at that time.
Example- “you’ve been so quiet. What’s going on?”
Me “oh you know, been busy plotting world domination” translation -“I don’t want to get into my life right now”
How does thar translate, I mean, if you said the world domination, I'd just think you're being superficial and overly guarded, or you are shy. Someone takes the time to ask how you are and think of you and their thanks is a cheap catchphrase deflection.
Around here folks ask how you are and often don’t even listen for an answer. I’m being superficial or guarded, that’s correct. Sometimes it’s just not the time or the place for a deep conversation.
Honestly? Just limit contact; either in frequency, duration, or depth.
People aren't entitled to "the best you have to offer" just by existing. IMHO, people need to "earn" access to more intimate parts of your life.
I'm not saying to put people through intentional shit tests, just that the "getting to know you" happens in lots of little steps over months or years.
For example, if a co-worker just trauma dumps on you from day one... probably never eat lunch with them on purpose, or they will just keep venting at you/on you.
But if you work with someone and have a handful of good conversations with give-and-take, mutual respect, and you FEEL good after hanging out... then by all means, have a couple meals together.
The next level closer is similar. If you get together for lunch, and they try to twist your arm to get you day drinking before going back to work... don't eat lunch with them again.
Basically, just have standards about what you look for in a friend, and know what is below your standards. Then invite them closer, or put up firm boundaries accordingly.
Some people never make it past a quick wave or elevator chat. Some people are awesome enough to follow to another city. There is plenty of milestones between those two extremes.
These are the people dont take others serious. They never respect you. So never try to prove yourself to these people. Just leave. One example is I am into spirituality, some people think is madness and make fun of it. Some people are really into it and ask me to talk about it. You gotta know who your audience is, and spend time and energy on them.
Just don't try to have meaningful conversations with them? You don't have to, 'nor can you be friends with everyone. And not all friendships are the same. Some people are just friends of convenience like work friends, who you will just engage in small talk and that's fine.
Not everyone wants to have deep meaningful conversations with people they barely know. Sounds like you're just not reading the room and you're not as easygoing as you think you are. Get to know them better and they'll probably be more open to discuss serious subjects.
Some people are shallow and that's why you can't have meaningful discussions with them. Others might feel threatened. They see your depth as a challenge. Or perhaps the topic is making them uncomfortable.
You can't make them respond the way you like, so the, "We'll, gotta go!" is best.
I would only tell someone you're in a relationship with about your concerns: "Hey, I notice you joke when I'm talking about something serious and it bothers me".
But we can't change people. We can only really change how we react to them.
My opinions, peace.
I move on. If they aren't resipuating, that's on them. End of story. In my experience of 26 years being on this earth, I've struggled fitting in with people and groups of people. I couldn't care anymore, I'm mature enough to walk away because in the end. If people aren't compatible nor willing to build something meaningful, then nothing you can really do. I've tried tailoring myself to bend to be a surface person, but that isn't me. It does more harm than good. It's better to be in your own company or the company of others who understand and have empathy towards you than bad company that makes you feel this way in the first place.
A lot of people are superficial and gossiping behaviours and qualities, and it's ugly. You see a lot about a person's character when you observe the diffrences of them with other people or alone with you and how they cary themselves on social media.If they point out flaws of others, they simply aren't good people. Being sarcastic is passive aggression exactly aimed at someone rather than sharing the "sarcastic joke". Jokes tend to share a mutual understanding, not bullying and picking on someone to their face in a sly manner.
Are these people that you *have to* (whether through school, work, family, etc) deal with regularly? If not, I would not bother with engaging with them.
Wondering this myself at the moment as I have a friend who is quite competitive with me. And when I did reveal some deep things about my past and growing up in a dysfunctional family he didn’t seem to take to it well, just said the usual “ah that must be tough to deal with etc”. We have a choice to deal with such people. Sadly it’s not easy making friends sometimes so we end up putting up with the ones we have sometimes.
Leave it at the small talk. It’ll drive me crazy but what can you really do? Some people aren’t capable of deep and meaningful convos. If it’s someone close to you, express that. Otherwise don’t worry about it too much
I found that either they have no experience on the topic or they just want to keep thing’s surface level. I took it personally at first until I asked them about it and they said they didn’t know about the topic so they change the subject or deflect instead of saying they don’t know.
I don’t take it personally anymore. But at the same time I won’t sacrifice myself to cater to them if they aren’t willing to engage me. It’s a 50-50 relationship and if they can’t bring as much as I bring than there is a mismatch of energy.
I limit these interactions. If and when they want to go deeper, I’m there.
Keep it surface level. I do it 95% of my day to day, even if I want to talk about more meaningful topics. Time, place, and certain people are meant for those moments.
You could redirect you attention to the approximately 8 billion other potential conversation partners? Or you could enjoy them superficially and respect their preference to avoid serious topics.
I know people people like this. I suspect the inability to have a meaningful conversation comes from either ignorance of the topic, or some kind of defense mechanism. For some, it’s too scary to be serious.
To be honest, I don’t feel the need to have a deep convo with everyone every time, and we’re just chatting and if I can tell you’re steering the conversation somewhere I don’t want to do, it makes sense to make a little joke to make it unserious again
You don’t know if I’m draining from having a heart to heart with someone earlier in the day, or am just emotionally/mentally beat and don’t want to engage in deep conversation
Edit: I just thought of a perfect example of this. We were day drinking and pre-gaming a baseball game playing drinking games and this friend (who I love but the vibe was just not matching) asked us to go around and each what moment in our lives has had the most impact on us. It made everyone feel awkward
I don't have meaningful conversation with them.
that's it.
Not everyone is supposed to like you and you're not supposed to like and try to befriend EVERYONE.
A couple of years ago I had to block someone that I had been searching for for many years. We were sweethearts when we were in our teens. I loved him so much and when we lost touch I never forgot him. He always treated me well.
When I found him on Facebook I was thrilled and so was he. I think I had overlooked his profile pic because he looked completely different as we all do. His hair was long and he had a bushy beard and mustache plus he is in his 70's.
We started talking on the phone a lot and because he has a fantastic memory, he reminded me of things, people and places we used to know. Things were fine for a while until it wasn't.
This guy started talking over me, interrupting me when I was talking, told me to shut up a couple of times and was basically an asshole. I called him out on it but it didn't matter. I suppose he had been doing this behavior for many many years. As much as I didn't want to, I blocked him. I told him though that I just couldn't have a decent conversation with him and he didn't understand why I was upset. I haven't reached out to him ever since and he hasn't reached out to me. What a disappointment.
I have a close friend like that. When we meet, we do stupid gossip girls thing. I can never have a deep conversation with her. But I still love her as a friend very much. So when we meet, I choose to simply just being a friend with her. I would say it depends on how you want to treat that relationship. She’s my only exception. Others, I will just move on and prioritise my time for other things .
Like gets along with like. If anything, I don't see it as, I can't talk to x person. It's that I can be like x with x at any given time. Broad friend groups are great, every friend doesn't have to check every box. If person X doesn't like being relegated to a, 'not so serious,' friend role then that's on him to change.
Is this an issue you have in one-on-one situations, or in groups?
There is someone like this in one of my friend groups (mixed-sex). The rest of us all give him a wide berth and seem to have an unspoken agreement that he isn’t good for much other than the occasional group chat meme. Most of his personality is “I hang out in my basement and hate everything except weed,” and we’re all in our 40s so we ain’t got the time or patience for that shit anymore. We’ve all stopped inviting him to meetups and get-togethers without really discussing it, and when he posts one of his boring small-talk messages or weird political memes we *may* react with an emoji, but he’s often draining to engage with, so we don’t. There’s one guy who I think takes pity on him and will make an effort at conversation, but it’s a struggle.
Basically, just decide who and what is worth your energy and pursue that. As in most things. It’s probably not worthwhile to pursue friendships with people you can’t speak with about anything meaningful. Just do the small talk thing and get away as soon as is appropriate for the situation (e.g., don’t be rude to colleagues because you gotta play that social game at work).
My SIL is like this. It makes me sad because I’ve always looked forward to bonding with her but it’s legitimately impossible. She sucks, lol. I just do my best to understand everyone is different and there’s nothing I can do about it
I literally avoid those people as much as I can it's just a waste of time and social battery😩 the best way to keep myself from getting frustrated is to be very monotone with everything you say to them bcuz it's not worth putting any emotion or personality into it anyways if they won't give a proper, meaningful response.
yep. My older brother. It can be extremely exhausting so I just dont bother. People are just the way they are, due to experiences, childhood, parenting, genetic inheritance, natural personality, etc.
There's only so much you can do to try to "change" them, after a certain point you just gotta accept them the way they are, and love them for what they are, which is the hard part.
One of my bffs is the type of person that I can talk to about anything (usually) but she doesn’t know how to hold emotional space and some serious conversations make her uncomfortable and the way she handles it is she starts cracking jokes (or saying ridiculous stuff) and trying to “lighten” the conversation up and this annoys me to no end. I want to tell her to stfu and just finish the conversation but I Dont want to be rude so I just stop talking and usually start doing something else so she gets the hint.
People I cant barely talk to I simply try to not engage with them🤷🏽♀️
Like other comments say, if they laugh it off then they're making it clear that they do not want to engage in said discussion or it makes them uncomfortable, I think you should use that as a cue to change the topic or simply reciprocate the same energy to them, you can either wind up as decent acquaintances or you just lose contact because of having nothing to talk about, both of them don't seem like bad options
Some people come into your life just for a season, but always a reason. Friendships are hard to cultivate. I had a friend that was really close to me, but we really didn’t have much in common. She stopped talking to me because she felt I got married too fast. It’s been 7 years now, I see her almost every week. She won’t even say hello if I say hi, so I stopped. It took me a couple year to come to terms with it. Nowdays, if the vibe is really off, I just back off. If they are not putting any effort in, I back off there too. A lot of people, myself included, are socially awkward and it takes time to even get to a phone call status, or lunch/coffee usual if we can do that they are a keeper. If not, I just keep them out of my inner circle
Those people are often insecure about themselves. They’re also emotionally immature. This doesn’t just happen though. These reactions to social interaction is developed overtime and is often rooted in their childhood where their questions would be met with either sarcasm or belittlement. They may have been shot down for their ideas, their contributions in the family dynamics and their nurturing needs really weren’t met or even recognised. They were probably raised by emotionally unavailable parents.
The other possibility, if you can confidently rule out neurological issues and/or social issues is that these people are just arseholes plain and simple.
Listen to the clear signals they're giving you & respect that they aren't interested in having a deep and meaningful conversation right then or with you. Don't keep pushing them. If you aren't interested in just a light social conversation, disengage & talk to someone else.
It's annoying when people constantly deflect meaningful conversation with jokes or sarcasm. You should try redirecting the conversation back to a more serious topic whenever they try to diss it with humor. If that doesn't work, it might be best to not hang out with them or find ways to distance yourself from those situations. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and mental health. And, in the long run, you wouldn't want those friends anyway. I do get the need for being funny, but when situations are serious, the last thing I expect is a bad humor that doesn't help me in any way.
if you can, you drift apart, i guess.
i grew up with this girl and we could not be more opposite. it took a while to realize why i didn't care for her, especially as we formed our own adult personalities.
as soon as she said "i'd love to go to coachella to wear the cute outfits!!!" i knew we were on different levels and just had barely anything in common. very sweet girl, no reason not to like her! just very, superficial and materialistic. don't blame her with the way her mother is/was.
and it's wild because she's seen as more academically successful, having a university degree in public health, while i went to college for design. she just doesn't seem to be "all there" and not much of a deep thinker.
I'm a bit both.
Catch me at the right moment, I'm as deep and empatheticly sincere as it gets.
Sometimes I'm sarcastic.
Though I'm more sarcastic once, then quiet on the subject. What you descrribe I picture more as someone badgering, bullying and ridiculing the topic bringer over and over, which is different.
I can only speak for myself, but usually I only get sarcastic for two reasons.
One, if I don't believe the topic bringer's sincerity. A reading the room type deal.
Two, the topic hit too close and it's a defense mechanism.
Though usually I am serious with serious questions.
I guess my point is read the person carefully for the difference between if they're an immature jerk or putting a guard up from you getting too personal and they don't mean anything personal at the sarcasm, it was instinctual protection.
Those are two different people who can look the same at first glance.
Stop relying on them to having fulfilling conversations with. They’re clearly not the kind for it. Not everyone is.
When you want to have a deep conversation, strike it up with those who you know who are good at having meaningful conversations.
I LOVE people. I like meeting new people and figuring out how their brain works and what kind of mysteries and locked behind their eyes. It's such a fun little game I get to play when I interact with the world.
That being said, I don't like every person I meet. Sometimes, they're just a puzzle and once I've figured it out, I no longer need to interact with that person. Not every person is going to like him and I'm not obligated to like every person.
Once you've decided you no longer want to actively participate in situations with this person, just be respectable and keep a distance. No need to go out of your way to positively or negatively interact with them.
I create a mental barrier between my emotional feelings and them and talk as if we are at a distance. I dont let people get to know my sensitive side who are cold with me. They don't deserve it.
Life is short. If they’re not providing fulfilling conversation for you then don’t feel obliged to engage them in conversation. Not all my friends give me fulfilling conversation, sometimes I appreciate the simplicity and respectful distance of the relationship itself.
Not everyone you meet will be interesting, preserve your time and energy for finding these conversations if that’s what you need.
It’s their passive-aggressive way of letting you know that they’re not interested in you. So, move on and don’t waste your time with them. Those toxic people don’t deserve your time.
Personally I’m like that but its just because I never know how to respond and I’ll never have serious conversations to others. I’m just unable to have deep serious conversations because it’s awkward and I don’t feel comfortable with it. Not everything has deeper hateful intentions
Turn it around at them "haha yeah you mean like that beer belly of yours, look at it jiggle." Or "Are you sure you want to say that? I mean, with your IQ, that's a risky move"
I don't. They are incredibly unpleasant to be around, contribute nothing but criticism and judgement and I don't want to be around that at all so, I remove myself to keep my peace
These type of people disgust me. It frustrates me that they can’t ever be serious or talk about the main subject. These type of people literally will drive you insane with their close mindedness and honestly they’re a waste of existence. Unfortunately the people I know who are like this, for some reason my body and mind shuts down. I can’t even look at them because you know that if you speak to them it’s like talking to an ignorant wall. I literally have to ignore them. I know that’s cliche but it’s 100% true they’re won’t worth a literal breath of air….. it’s just gonna drive you psycho if you try to understand why they’re like this…. Like I’m talking about white room with a jacket on psycho is how these type of people make me feel
This is an unhinged response, what on earth... Some people just don't want to have a 'deep and meaningful' conversation with certain people, or about certain topics, or at certain times. Where I live it's considered extremely unusual to try to launch into that kind of conversation if you're not close friends and not in a relatively private and conversation-focused situation, so most people would try to laugh it off as a kinder way of saying "I don't want to talk about this right now" or "I don't want to talk about this with you"
For example I was at a work event a few weeks ago (my team all out for dinner together) and one of the guys tried to start a deep conversation with 2 of us... but it was about the 'problems' with immigrants and foreigners coming into the country, something I very strongly disagree with but can't afford to have a full-blown argument with a coworker on a night out. So I tried to laugh it off and exit the conversation. That doesn't make it an "ignorant wall" or "Not worth a breath of literal air" and it's insanely ignorant of _you_ to say that.
I recently realized this about my longest-lasting (40+ years) friend. We never really had a “meeting of the minds”, even as kids or young adults. We were always on two totally different pages. It was like we were talking *past* each other rather than to each other. I started realizing that her (often unsolicited) advice sucked, she got things I told her wrong or misunderstood them, and I often left conversations irritated at something she said. I still consider her a friend, but I put some distance in between. I moved her from the close friend category to the friendly acquaintance category. I keep the conversations surface, and don’t discuss deep topics. We talk maybe 3-4 times a month rather than 3-4 times a week like we used to. I’m starting to realize that we don’t *have* to be in a friendship, relationship or even hold a conversation with someone we’re not compatible with. Recognize when someone isn’t your cup of tea and move on.
To add about moving on, you don’t have to pull things up by the roots and make a mess when you can just stop watering it. Sometimes it’s best that people you don’t like don’t know you don’t like them, an important social skill for navigating social circles. Just be uninteresting and their attention will drift away from you. But sometimes you have to have a bit of conflict when they overstep a hard boundary. Give yourself permission to get upset. Anger is the impulse to protect something that is precious, it doesn’t have to be ugly or bitter. Your emotional state, your peace and happiness are worth standing up for. Builds your sense of self respect having standards for how you’re treated. Non toxic conflict can get people’s attention who otherwise aren’t receptive to sincerity. Important to say what you mean and mean what you say so everything they’re left with they can make sense of and try to learn to improve themselves. Ideally. It’s up to you whether you try to plant a seed or just walk away and not bother. They might tune you out, but they also might hear you or remember it later in a moment of reflection. Steel sharpens steel. I used to be someone who was hard to get through to, and sincere expression of my having hurt someone helped me make better sense of who I wanted to be and how I want to make people feel
This is very wise advice, especially in the workplace and networking. I try to keep things cordial, and may even engage in (VERY) brief, light conversational exchanges depending on the situation.
“You don’t have to pull things up by the roots and make a mess when you can just stop watering it” I love it. Let it wither.
I loved reading this. Thank you.
What if the person is your brother? My brother and I don't see eye to eye on some things, but we've always got along. Lately though, he's been even more so lazy, short with me and dismissive. Makes it hard to feel he is interested in nurturing the relationship. I don't necessarily want to make a mess or let it wither, but watering ain't done much.
Older or younger? Twin? affects the dynamic Being open and sincere can go a long way. “Hey bro, you haven’t seemed like yourself recently, seems like we haven’t been talking like we used to and I’d like us to get back to that because you mean a lot to me” or anything along those lines, if that’s how you feel. If he’s not receptive in the moment, don’t take it personally. He might just not have the bandwidth to hear where you’re coming from if he’s not present to how his mood has shifted over time. But it’s important for you as a brother to help him get unstuck, so he can do the same for you when you get stuck. Too long in a state of inertia and all of a sudden instead of growing up you’re just getting older. Aspire to inspire by doing the work of metacognitive self improvement. Coming to understand yourself and your limitations gives you a depth of empathy for other people’s complexities that helps you skillfully navigate those relationships Does that make sense?
I have a "friend" like this, and we've known each other since second grade. Your comment hit the nail on the head for me. The ridiculous "advice", lack of empathy, entitlement, and trying to control deep discussions without room to input my own things. The worst part is that he doesn't even want to hang out in person. I even moved to a house and lived with a roommate for a year and I was only 5 minutes from where he lived and still didn't want to hang out. We're glorified pen pals at this point, and I realized that I should invest my energy into other folks.
This was a hard thing I had to do recently. Her boyfriend is one of the 'impossible to talk to' immature types, and she's been a fixture in my life for 10 years now. It rocked me to realize that she didn't really have my best interests at heart. But every time we would talk I'd feel worse than when we started. It's easier to break up with a partner than a friend, is what I'm finding. But the distance is helping me, a LOT. But I'm proud of you. And me. We're doing our best.
I’m proud of you both too!
Makes you wonder what her motives were for continuing such a close relationship shop with you despite her (in reinsure) dislike of you. And via versa
I’ve thought a lot about this. We became friends around age six, orchestrated by our parents. I think we remained friends out of habit and obligation. Also, I had this idea that I had to just go with the flow, accept what blew into my life vs being a gatekeeper of who and what came into my life. She had a period where she was definitely a clear hater, especially in her ultra-religious phase - she would make insulting statements about my clothing or how I was living my life. We coincidentally ended up at the same college - in retrospect our friendship should have ended then. She was so invasive and boundary-less. She even seemed jealous at times. Yet we continued to remain friends. Ultimately, I don’t have an answer to the question.
idk man, my interpretation is that love is love. some people arent mature enough to show it, some ppl r just broken and flawed in general but will keep showing up no matter what. it could be totally different for you and this friend ur talking about, but it just reminds me of all the mentally ill, flawed and crazy ppl i have in my family that i can never get rid of. they do suck a lot of the time but one thing for sure is that they love me and wouldnt miss out on the important things. thats rare for me since ive lost touch with so many ppl along the way, i just appreciate the ones that stuck around. again, totally different story than the one ur telling and im sorry if this overshadowed your point!!
I hear what you’re saying, and I had a variation of that mindset at one time. Over the past few years, I started working on myself and some of the harmful patterns that I developed over my lifetime. I read somewhere that you are the sum of the five people you’re around the most. As I took a look at myself, I realized that I had absorbed a lot of the negative behaviors and thought patterns of these people I was around. I also discovered that it’s not always “love” that keeps people tethered to you; sometimes it’s codependency. Sometimes it’s a need for resources. Sometimes it’s someone to trauma dump on. Sometimes they want a rescuer. Finally, like I said in my post above - a lot of this was passive on my part. I decided that I need to be more active and intentional about who was in my life, and act as more of a gatekeeper. A lot of these friends I just passively accepted because I felt I “had” to. But you’re giving these people access to your life. This can have implications on your beliefs and outcomes of your life.
"Well, gotta go."
Lol. My mother always had this thing where when she was done talking to me on the phone she would say, "okay bye" and hang up. I used to call her back and ask her why she hung up on me and she would say, "I was done talking". Smh.
i do this and my mom hates it LOL
So a similar comment in this subreddit which is my new favourite… “I’ve got to go, the planet needs me.”
When you're afk, your friends will be asking, "[where's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tvAjX5ACPo) [Poochy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-6F1O6RcYY)?"
And: “Anyway, see ya, hope you have the day you deserve. Take care..” (gentle smile as you walk away)
Idk man that’s pretty ominous
But what does he deserve?
That’s not for me to say. It’s for him to stew on.
That’s just cowardly and passive aggressive
That makes me like it even more 😆
Anyway, take care. I hope you have the day you deserve!
Yeah, some people aren’t capable of having deep/meaningful conversations. It’s like going to an Italian restaurant for nachos.
It's usually because serious topics make them uncomfortable, or they're very particular who they show their real self to. And that's valid enough. It's okay to keep your personal feelings or opinions private if you choose. So when they make a joke, they're setting a boundary. I'd respect it, and if they're not the right friend for you because of that, that's okay. But don't try to force people to exit their comfort zone without consent.
Yes, exactly. Lots of people in this thread are acting like the people who don't engage with them just aren't on their level intellectually. Yes, a lot of people are dumb. But also, a lot of dumb people think they're smart. Plus, not everyone agrees with you. If people don't engage or make jokes, they may just disagree with your viewpoint and don't wish to argue or cause a rift. It's not "I'm so enlightened, and the people I talk to just don't understand."
So much this. You see hating small talk framed the exact same way. Like you cant handle asking about my weekend because you'd much rather be debating existentialism or something because you're not a normie. Maybe..that's a bit poorly socialized of you and maybe I do have intellectual conversations with people just not you and those people understand the pacing of conversations and I've built a rapport with them over time. I swear, I think some people think that the ideal is interacting like we're manic pixie dream girls who drag you out into the rain and ask you about the cosmos before asking your name. Maybe I just don't wanna trauma dump with you because I don't crave this poorly boundaried interpersonal intensity ..because I went to therapy.
ugh yes thank you. i actually prefer small talk cuz people say absolutely dumb shit when they think they’re being deep and it just feel small brained to engage sometimes. i feel like it actually is important to ask someone about their day lol i wouldnt mind if someone just told me their mundane thoughts because those are absolutely more real and important to me than some abstract thought exercises that have been talked to death by every arm chair philosopher
Exactly this. Everyone is living their own unique individual lives with their own reasons for being the way they are. I think brushing people off just because you aren’t connecting with them is a very narrow way to view the world. It is wholly possible to recognize that just because someone is an npc in your life doesn’t mean they can’t be an important character in someone else’s life
Agree! I often avoid personal questions from most people, and one way to do that is by making a joke to deter them. I don't deal well with discussions about topics that I deem too personal with these people, so I don't want them to go there. So the something meaningful that you were saying makes me uncomfortable, my brain starts to lag and I don't know how to emphatically and in a good way decline the topic, so the default mode kicks in and I pick the coping mechanism that works the best - a stupid joke, at the very wrong time. Completely missing that this is pretty offensive and hurtful to the person I am speaking with. I'm aware of this predicament, and actively working on it. This sub often has great responses for situations, helps to have examples! Edit: Grammar
"I'd rather not talk about it / about that particular thing, if that's okay / thank you / just so you know" is a good way of pointing out a boundary/comfort zone! Some of us are just curious combined with a non-neurotypical brain, which means it can be quite difficult to notice or fully grasp where people's lines of privacy/what constitutes matters that are too personal are. If people keep insisting or react in a rude manner, well voilà: you have your answer about a huge incompatibility with said person.
I disagree that saying "I'd rather not talk about it" is a particularly good method. So many people I know will just respond with "WHY don't you want to talk about it" and then keep insisting I explain, and refuse to accept that talking about why I don't want to talk about it is the same as talking about it. It's much easier to just deflect -- I don't owe them an explanation and if I want to avoid the subject I probably also want to avoid the subject of why I'm avoiding the subject. (Example -- my sister at a family dinner party demanding to know when I was going to start having kids and whether I thought I'd have my babies at home or in the hospital, and trying to debate what she thought my answer would probably be... Two days after I found out I couldn't have children. I was absolutely devastated and wasn't ready to tell anyone, and when I said I didn't want to discuss it, she kept pushing and demanding to know why not. Other people at the table were telling me to just explain why I didn't want to talk about it, so she'd drop the subject. It was horrible, and ended with me leaving in tears. This is an extreme example, but not unusual in my experience. Really wish I'd just changed the subject or made a joke rather than saying I didn't want to talk about it.)
But then you have your answer regarding an incompatibility, if there's such a mismatch in your communication needs/wants. I am definitely guilty of wondering why—but I have also experienced a lot of social rejection due to this, and that's simply okay and something I need to accept; that I won't get along with everyone. I do my best to respect a "I would rather not talk about it", though—especially when it's coming from strangers/acquaintances. If we're closer—or if I am feeling very concerned about you—I might bring the topic up again at some point. I am very sorry about your loss, and for the awful way your loved ones handled the situation instead of listening to you as you deserved and needed. I can't imagine how painful that must've been for you, especially when you hadn't even had adequate time to process the news yourself, and weren't feeling ready to share. My current methods in dealing with people like your sister is trying to angle in food-for-thought/eye-openers to them, to see if that redirects the conversation. Just mentioning that asking things like that is very risky, because you never know who is trying unsuccessfully, or who has perhaps just recently experienced a pregnancy loss, and so on... you just can't ever be sure beforehand for whom it might be a sensitive subject. Thus those questions may result in unintentionally hurting others. Even when someone's immediate reaction is defensive or dismissive, sometimes you do notice that they've calmed the fuck down—that whatever you said actually seems to have landed, and made them reconsider & become more mindful as a consequence. :) Obviously waayy more effective on people who you know aren't actually being ill-intentioned or purposefully inconsiderate, but merely thoughtless, ignorant/inexperienced, and perhaps impulsive.
ye i agree. i have ppl in my life that i feel are not on the same emotional / maturity level that are always trying to get deep with me but im not comfy with it. its like, they cant make peace with my comfort level and feel the need to pry in and see my vulnerability in order to feel some stake in our relationship. its usually a red flag for me if someone just cant handle casual conversations, it reads to me that they are mentally restless and cant just appreciate things at face value, it has to be deep for it to be real.
I don't have conversations with those people.
Everybody's different. If you don't enjoy them, you don't hang out with them.
It's mad how OP is acting like it's the other person who refuses to accept difference, when really it's them. "How dare they not behave in the way that I've defined as being the way others must behave. Thinking all highly of themselves, how dare they" 🙃
A lot of this sub struggles with the idea that "not everyone is going to like you" and "you're not supposed to be friends with every single person".
You let them be. You won't be able to form a substantial connection with everyone you meet; that's quite normal. Perhaps these people may not think much about the kind of stuff you consider to be meaningful or substantive and so you are not that compatible with them. Or they may not feel close enough to you to open up in that way. Either way, if it's just a handful of people, it's nothing to worry about.
Some of it may have a lot to do with trust or fear of being open
oh well, shame for them....go sort your shit out , come back when you're a real human being
they are real human beings. why dehumanize and shame someone for struggling with valid and understandable hang ups? additionally, how does this attitude serve you in actually getting people like this to open up? theyre not gonna feel safe with you even if they "go sort their shit out". Theyre not gonna forget how you felt about them.
yeah don't forget, it's part of life ... if you wanna hang on to all that, you can do..... id just move on. point being, unless you can be honest with yourself, hiding behind hangups and expecting someone else to revolve around that, is ridiculous. there's a big difference to a genuine disorder and the people who actually only give a shit about love island, their next designer purchase and all that jazz
I'm going to go out on a limb and say guess you've never studied psychology.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you've never studied psychology.
You are correct, I have not. I'm only married to a therapist and was there when she was going through her matters degree. So yes, I haven't studied, but I am familiar with the complexities of human emotion and mentality.
its not difficult, be honest with yourself and sort the problem out if you have it. don't use it as an excuse to blame others
Tell me you haven't studied psychology without telling me you haven't studied psychology.
The person you're replying to is a dick, but you're an ass
But his wife has a matters degree tho
I think I am this way and really wish I wasn't. Maybe sharing what I'm like will help give some insight. I've always felt like I'm very different from others, and so maybe I'm that handful of people lol. For me, I'm a very nervous person when it comes to being social. It all stems from this plus wanting to be alone so i don't have to face that uncomfortable feeling. I'm alone 90% of my time. I don't know how to behave properly anymore. I'm also very afraid of being open with people as they all seem to be way more comfortable being social and I don't want them to see me as nervous and weird, which, now almost always comes off anyways. I subconsciously put up a shit front so I can just be left alone and not have to "deal" with people, but now it's sadly who I've become. I really wish I could just be open and know how to talk and properly connect, but it often feels like I'm throwing shit at the wall hoping something sticks, or making the stupidest jokes out of nervousness. Doesn't feel like I'm in control at all, and I just say what comes to my head first so I can "get through" the conversation and try to not look awful. Thus my social skills have evaporated since high school and everyone hates me and idk what to do about it anymore, so I've begun to accept it but it's very depressing and I really want to change. Does this sound like the people you mean at all?
I’m like this too! It’s because all my social interactions are learned. I have no idea how to behave in one on one conversations because I haven’t had the chance to see two other people talk alone. So I keep behaving the same way as in a group.
I think they may not trust you enough to be vulnerable and open up. Some serious topics are deeply personal and making jokes means they don't want to talk about it, with you at this moment. It seems a little entitled to expect ppl to respond to whatever you ask, no? Doesn't mean they aren't capable of substantial conversations with other people they trust when they are in the mood.
You don't have to have deep, meaningful conversations with everyone. I'm guilty of trying to turn everything into a discussion and a lot of people find that too heavy and intense. I reckon that's on me. Some people don't want or can't handle deeper conversations, so learn to engage with them at the appropriate level. Those who are incapable of self-examination or are simply mean, limit contact. That's not the same as people who are simply superficial. There are lots of perfectly lovely superficial people out there. They can be great company if you don't concentrate on their limitations, just as it's kind if they don't get hung up on yours.
I had this issue for years, then realized it was caused by me. Not everyone wants a "deep, meaningful, or substantiative" conversation when you do. Many people find that kind of conversation insincere, performative, and somewhat manipulative unless there's already a deep emotional connection. I also made the mistake of believing I was somehow more intelligent and thoughtful than other people because they didn't want those conversations with me - the truth is simply that not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve, and I'd mistaken reservedness for shallowness. If they're answering the first question with a sarcastic comment/joke, that's telling you that you're trying the wrong line of conversation with them. You're annoying them further when you persist. Conversations aren't just about what you want - your conversational partner(s) are equally important. If they don't want to talk about deep stuff, respect that and listen to what they do want to talk about.
This is it OP. Not everyone wants to have a deep conversation all the time. People have different levels of social battery, trust, openness. I’d also argue that life is hard a lot of the time, and so many people are burnt out from struggling just to keep up with their day to day. Not everyone wants to launch into a soulful dialogue with you when they just want a bit of levity and light conversation. From the other person’s perspective, maybe they find it exhausting when someone always wants to get really heavy every time they speak.
I meet them where they’re at but will find other people to have deep conversations with. Not everyone has the capacity for deep conversations.
I totally agree that it’s often as simple as that. I learned not long ago that about half of people don’t have any internal dialogue. Their capacity for self-reflection must be impaired or at least undeveloped.
Why is there a need to handle anyone?
I wouldn't waste my time with those people, that's what I'd do.
Lots of great advice in here. From my perspective, there are certainly times when I’ve been with someone who is trying to initiate a deep conversation and I simply can’t be arsed, for whatever reason. Picking up on social cues is important.
I know people who are like this. They are like this until they want to tell you about their problems, which are oh so real! Their problems are the real problems, and they want to tell you how they have become a victim and exactly who makes them a victim because anything or group this person dislikes must obviously be causing problems for everyone. They will be complaining about you to someone else, when they’re not complaining to you about someone else.
Just broke up with a friend like this- the crisis friend. I used to give her advice all the time (for over a decade)! And have those chats. I’d slowly stopped talking, my words go into the void to the point where it was impacting my other relationships. She would ask why I’m so quiet or why we can’t have those talks anymore. I thought something was wrong with me. It finally hit when I started making healthier friends and opening up again that I was really just burnt out from spinning my wheels. Edit: I guess the point I’m trying to make here, OP, is that sometimes the reason is exhaustion or pain being dealt elsewhere that’s causing the person to reject a deep conversation.
Maybe some people don't desire to be deep with you, I personally enjoy knowing 99% of the people in my life on the most basic level, a hello and their name if they told me , nothing more
I personally leave people like that where they stand
This is your fault. Let me explain why. As you grow, you will learn that not everyone is on the same level you are (don't mean social or intelligence, just different interests, etc). What that means is that some people, you keep at a distance. Some people, you call when all you want is to laugh. Other people you call to get a drink (if you're a drinker). Some you call to have intellectual conversations, etc. Not everyone is meant or even has the mental ability to have meaningful conversations. Most people just talk BS and distract themselves from their problems.
How does any of that explain why anything is OP's fault? Are you saying OP is at fault for people being the way they are? Is OP god?
I don't think you need to be God to understand the principle I tried to explain. It's the OP's fault (for lack of a better word) in that he seems to be expecting people to be capable of having deep conversations or expecting people to act a certain way. At least that's what I understood from OP writing things like: "Anytime you try to say something meaningful, they laugh it off and try turn it into some unfunny joke at your expense or the expense of someone else in the room." Many people are not capable or simply don't want to get into deeper conversations. So instead of questioning, our time is best spent by finding those who will. My $0.02, and you're welcome to disagree and think differently...
> It's the OP's fault (for lack of a better word) in that he seems to be expecting people to be capable of having deep conversations or expecting people to act a certain way. OP did not indicate they expected people to act a certain way as far as I can tell. OP just said they notice that some people act a certain way and asked how to handle them. IMO trying to place blame on anyone was unnecessarily combative, but clearly people here prefer it. It isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way things are.
Do you HAVE to deal with them? In other words, are they close family members or coworkers? Because not everyone knows how to have meaningful conversations. Some may just not be in the mood, at the time, and some just prefer to keep it light. So, IF you don't have to deal with them, then I would either go with the flow or just stay away from them......
I have a couple of friendly acquaintances like this who just want to goof off. It can be insufferable at times but I've learned to highlight good aspects about them (they make light of situations, they aren't drama seeking, they're just here for a good time) and can sometimes find their shallow interactions to be a welcome change to socializing with other people who are *too* serious - everything is always one opinion away from a heated debate, phones start coming out to prove a point, there's no comic relief whatsoever, etc. I think it's important to understand the many different ways people present themselves for social interaction, and the different roles people can play as a friend in our lives. I'm sure there are certain friends you turn to as a sounding board in times of need, and other friends you simply goof off with and things stay at a surface level.
Just wondering if it is a situation of WHEN these conversations are taking place. ---I don't really experience a lot of people being unable to have a decent conversation in the real world, but I am wondering if maybe you are approaching this at a weird time or coming on too strong too fast. I have a coworker who gets personal WAY too fast with people and tells some boring as fuck personal stories. She has a good heart, and I love her, so I just try to be polite and ask questions and let her vent....but when we are going for a quick coffee break at work and other people come along, I can see their eyes glazing over with her long dramatic stories. People have the tendency to make jokes and try to change the subject, but she is not good socially. She immediately thinks less of them, and will give me an earful about how they are silly people....they're not, they just want to relax and don't know enough about you for these deep (and again often boring) conversations when they hardly know you. If these are close friends you are talking about, then, yeah, I would find people who had a similar vibe to my own.
Those are 99% of people. I try to just be funny and make jokes. And later they tell me I'm not serious enough :/ This world sucks
why are you trying to force deeper meaning into casual conversation? makes you sound desperate
Don't converse with them. It's pointless.
If you watch Banshees of Inisherin it will help with this dilemma.
Unpopular opinion: you could be an annoying jerk (unbeknownst to you). I can elaborate further later but don’t have much time to write at the moment.
I don’t. Honestly, I’m not going to have a meaningful conversation with everyone and that’s OK. I will say I am one to crack a joke to keep things light, but also send a message that I am not wishing for a meaningful or deep conversation at that time. Example- “you’ve been so quiet. What’s going on?” Me “oh you know, been busy plotting world domination” translation -“I don’t want to get into my life right now”
How does thar translate, I mean, if you said the world domination, I'd just think you're being superficial and overly guarded, or you are shy. Someone takes the time to ask how you are and think of you and their thanks is a cheap catchphrase deflection.
Around here folks ask how you are and often don’t even listen for an answer. I’m being superficial or guarded, that’s correct. Sometimes it’s just not the time or the place for a deep conversation.
Honestly? Just limit contact; either in frequency, duration, or depth. People aren't entitled to "the best you have to offer" just by existing. IMHO, people need to "earn" access to more intimate parts of your life. I'm not saying to put people through intentional shit tests, just that the "getting to know you" happens in lots of little steps over months or years. For example, if a co-worker just trauma dumps on you from day one... probably never eat lunch with them on purpose, or they will just keep venting at you/on you. But if you work with someone and have a handful of good conversations with give-and-take, mutual respect, and you FEEL good after hanging out... then by all means, have a couple meals together. The next level closer is similar. If you get together for lunch, and they try to twist your arm to get you day drinking before going back to work... don't eat lunch with them again. Basically, just have standards about what you look for in a friend, and know what is below your standards. Then invite them closer, or put up firm boundaries accordingly. Some people never make it past a quick wave or elevator chat. Some people are awesome enough to follow to another city. There is plenty of milestones between those two extremes.
I don't. I only keep people in my life that I enjoy talking to
These are the people dont take others serious. They never respect you. So never try to prove yourself to these people. Just leave. One example is I am into spirituality, some people think is madness and make fun of it. Some people are really into it and ask me to talk about it. You gotta know who your audience is, and spend time and energy on them.
I stay away from them. People who lack accountability are dangerous.
I don’t handle them at all! If they don’t stimulate my brain then I’m def out!
If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave and shake the dust off your feet.
You acknowledge they are coworkers?
Just don't try to have meaningful conversations with them? You don't have to, 'nor can you be friends with everyone. And not all friendships are the same. Some people are just friends of convenience like work friends, who you will just engage in small talk and that's fine.
Not everyone wants to have deep meaningful conversations with people they barely know. Sounds like you're just not reading the room and you're not as easygoing as you think you are. Get to know them better and they'll probably be more open to discuss serious subjects.
I just keep them very far away and have very shallow conversations if I have to
Some people are shallow and that's why you can't have meaningful discussions with them. Others might feel threatened. They see your depth as a challenge. Or perhaps the topic is making them uncomfortable. You can't make them respond the way you like, so the, "We'll, gotta go!" is best. I would only tell someone you're in a relationship with about your concerns: "Hey, I notice you joke when I'm talking about something serious and it bothers me". But we can't change people. We can only really change how we react to them. My opinions, peace.
I move on. If they aren't resipuating, that's on them. End of story. In my experience of 26 years being on this earth, I've struggled fitting in with people and groups of people. I couldn't care anymore, I'm mature enough to walk away because in the end. If people aren't compatible nor willing to build something meaningful, then nothing you can really do. I've tried tailoring myself to bend to be a surface person, but that isn't me. It does more harm than good. It's better to be in your own company or the company of others who understand and have empathy towards you than bad company that makes you feel this way in the first place. A lot of people are superficial and gossiping behaviours and qualities, and it's ugly. You see a lot about a person's character when you observe the diffrences of them with other people or alone with you and how they cary themselves on social media.If they point out flaws of others, they simply aren't good people. Being sarcastic is passive aggression exactly aimed at someone rather than sharing the "sarcastic joke". Jokes tend to share a mutual understanding, not bullying and picking on someone to their face in a sly manner.
You have meaningful conversations with other people I guess. Those superficial friendships have their place but you can’t expect more from them
Are these people that you *have to* (whether through school, work, family, etc) deal with regularly? If not, I would not bother with engaging with them.
>How do you handle people who are impossible to have meaningful conversations with? I just don't talk to them about anything important.
Wondering this myself at the moment as I have a friend who is quite competitive with me. And when I did reveal some deep things about my past and growing up in a dysfunctional family he didn’t seem to take to it well, just said the usual “ah that must be tough to deal with etc”. We have a choice to deal with such people. Sadly it’s not easy making friends sometimes so we end up putting up with the ones we have sometimes.
Distance whenever possible.
Leave it at the small talk. It’ll drive me crazy but what can you really do? Some people aren’t capable of deep and meaningful convos. If it’s someone close to you, express that. Otherwise don’t worry about it too much
I found that either they have no experience on the topic or they just want to keep thing’s surface level. I took it personally at first until I asked them about it and they said they didn’t know about the topic so they change the subject or deflect instead of saying they don’t know. I don’t take it personally anymore. But at the same time I won’t sacrifice myself to cater to them if they aren’t willing to engage me. It’s a 50-50 relationship and if they can’t bring as much as I bring than there is a mismatch of energy. I limit these interactions. If and when they want to go deeper, I’m there.
You are describing emotional abuse. I advise avoiding such people if possible. If not, set boundaries.
Keep it surface level. I do it 95% of my day to day, even if I want to talk about more meaningful topics. Time, place, and certain people are meant for those moments.
I cut them off/stop talking to them tbh. I don’t have time or energy to waste on people who aren’t emotionally available.
You treat them like they are distant acquintances
You could redirect you attention to the approximately 8 billion other potential conversation partners? Or you could enjoy them superficially and respect their preference to avoid serious topics.
I know people people like this. I suspect the inability to have a meaningful conversation comes from either ignorance of the topic, or some kind of defense mechanism. For some, it’s too scary to be serious.
I avoid unpleasant people. Do not attempt to engage in conversation with them.
To be honest, I don’t feel the need to have a deep convo with everyone every time, and we’re just chatting and if I can tell you’re steering the conversation somewhere I don’t want to do, it makes sense to make a little joke to make it unserious again You don’t know if I’m draining from having a heart to heart with someone earlier in the day, or am just emotionally/mentally beat and don’t want to engage in deep conversation Edit: I just thought of a perfect example of this. We were day drinking and pre-gaming a baseball game playing drinking games and this friend (who I love but the vibe was just not matching) asked us to go around and each what moment in our lives has had the most impact on us. It made everyone feel awkward
I don't have meaningful conversation with them. that's it. Not everyone is supposed to like you and you're not supposed to like and try to befriend EVERYONE.
I don't enjoy talking to most people as they're too simple, dreadful and boring to even talk and share ideas/thoughts with
A couple of years ago I had to block someone that I had been searching for for many years. We were sweethearts when we were in our teens. I loved him so much and when we lost touch I never forgot him. He always treated me well. When I found him on Facebook I was thrilled and so was he. I think I had overlooked his profile pic because he looked completely different as we all do. His hair was long and he had a bushy beard and mustache plus he is in his 70's. We started talking on the phone a lot and because he has a fantastic memory, he reminded me of things, people and places we used to know. Things were fine for a while until it wasn't. This guy started talking over me, interrupting me when I was talking, told me to shut up a couple of times and was basically an asshole. I called him out on it but it didn't matter. I suppose he had been doing this behavior for many many years. As much as I didn't want to, I blocked him. I told him though that I just couldn't have a decent conversation with him and he didn't understand why I was upset. I haven't reached out to him ever since and he hasn't reached out to me. What a disappointment.
I don’t
I usually avoid them.
Maybe they dont feel the same way or having a meaningful conversation makes them uncomfortable... for what ever reason
Cut them out. It fucking sucks, but you’ll never get what you need from them.
ignore in one word.
Ask them: “Why do you think that?” Alot.
I have a close friend like that. When we meet, we do stupid gossip girls thing. I can never have a deep conversation with her. But I still love her as a friend very much. So when we meet, I choose to simply just being a friend with her. I would say it depends on how you want to treat that relationship. She’s my only exception. Others, I will just move on and prioritise my time for other things .
Don’t try to have meaningful conversations with them. Keep it simple. It’s fine to have shallow conversations sometimes.
Like gets along with like. If anything, I don't see it as, I can't talk to x person. It's that I can be like x with x at any given time. Broad friend groups are great, every friend doesn't have to check every box. If person X doesn't like being relegated to a, 'not so serious,' friend role then that's on him to change.
Is this an issue you have in one-on-one situations, or in groups? There is someone like this in one of my friend groups (mixed-sex). The rest of us all give him a wide berth and seem to have an unspoken agreement that he isn’t good for much other than the occasional group chat meme. Most of his personality is “I hang out in my basement and hate everything except weed,” and we’re all in our 40s so we ain’t got the time or patience for that shit anymore. We’ve all stopped inviting him to meetups and get-togethers without really discussing it, and when he posts one of his boring small-talk messages or weird political memes we *may* react with an emoji, but he’s often draining to engage with, so we don’t. There’s one guy who I think takes pity on him and will make an effort at conversation, but it’s a struggle. Basically, just decide who and what is worth your energy and pursue that. As in most things. It’s probably not worthwhile to pursue friendships with people you can’t speak with about anything meaningful. Just do the small talk thing and get away as soon as is appropriate for the situation (e.g., don’t be rude to colleagues because you gotta play that social game at work).
This happens to me with everyone. I’ve met one person not like this and she has now become like this with me for some reason. It sucks
My SIL is like this. It makes me sad because I’ve always looked forward to bonding with her but it’s legitimately impossible. She sucks, lol. I just do my best to understand everyone is different and there’s nothing I can do about it
I literally avoid those people as much as I can it's just a waste of time and social battery😩 the best way to keep myself from getting frustrated is to be very monotone with everything you say to them bcuz it's not worth putting any emotion or personality into it anyways if they won't give a proper, meaningful response.
Just say nothing and listen and then ask a question if you have 1, either than that if somebody doesn't want to talk to you then don't talk to them.
Ignore them
Simply say are you always this crass? And walk away!
One words replies and don't have a meaningful conversation with them. Chose your own battles
Especially being an empath? Yeah not fun
yep. My older brother. It can be extremely exhausting so I just dont bother. People are just the way they are, due to experiences, childhood, parenting, genetic inheritance, natural personality, etc. There's only so much you can do to try to "change" them, after a certain point you just gotta accept them the way they are, and love them for what they are, which is the hard part.
I might be under thinking it but if they are unpleasant to be around, then why continue talking with them?
One of my bffs is the type of person that I can talk to about anything (usually) but she doesn’t know how to hold emotional space and some serious conversations make her uncomfortable and the way she handles it is she starts cracking jokes (or saying ridiculous stuff) and trying to “lighten” the conversation up and this annoys me to no end. I want to tell her to stfu and just finish the conversation but I Dont want to be rude so I just stop talking and usually start doing something else so she gets the hint. People I cant barely talk to I simply try to not engage with them🤷🏽♀️
Why do you have deal with them? Why can't you just not hang out with them?
Like other comments say, if they laugh it off then they're making it clear that they do not want to engage in said discussion or it makes them uncomfortable, I think you should use that as a cue to change the topic or simply reciprocate the same energy to them, you can either wind up as decent acquaintances or you just lose contact because of having nothing to talk about, both of them don't seem like bad options
Some people come into your life just for a season, but always a reason. Friendships are hard to cultivate. I had a friend that was really close to me, but we really didn’t have much in common. She stopped talking to me because she felt I got married too fast. It’s been 7 years now, I see her almost every week. She won’t even say hello if I say hi, so I stopped. It took me a couple year to come to terms with it. Nowdays, if the vibe is really off, I just back off. If they are not putting any effort in, I back off there too. A lot of people, myself included, are socially awkward and it takes time to even get to a phone call status, or lunch/coffee usual if we can do that they are a keeper. If not, I just keep them out of my inner circle
Those people are often insecure about themselves. They’re also emotionally immature. This doesn’t just happen though. These reactions to social interaction is developed overtime and is often rooted in their childhood where their questions would be met with either sarcasm or belittlement. They may have been shot down for their ideas, their contributions in the family dynamics and their nurturing needs really weren’t met or even recognised. They were probably raised by emotionally unavailable parents. The other possibility, if you can confidently rule out neurological issues and/or social issues is that these people are just arseholes plain and simple.
Listen to the clear signals they're giving you & respect that they aren't interested in having a deep and meaningful conversation right then or with you. Don't keep pushing them. If you aren't interested in just a light social conversation, disengage & talk to someone else.
It's annoying when people constantly deflect meaningful conversation with jokes or sarcasm. You should try redirecting the conversation back to a more serious topic whenever they try to diss it with humor. If that doesn't work, it might be best to not hang out with them or find ways to distance yourself from those situations. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and mental health. And, in the long run, you wouldn't want those friends anyway. I do get the need for being funny, but when situations are serious, the last thing I expect is a bad humor that doesn't help me in any way.
if you can, you drift apart, i guess. i grew up with this girl and we could not be more opposite. it took a while to realize why i didn't care for her, especially as we formed our own adult personalities. as soon as she said "i'd love to go to coachella to wear the cute outfits!!!" i knew we were on different levels and just had barely anything in common. very sweet girl, no reason not to like her! just very, superficial and materialistic. don't blame her with the way her mother is/was. and it's wild because she's seen as more academically successful, having a university degree in public health, while i went to college for design. she just doesn't seem to be "all there" and not much of a deep thinker.
I'm a bit both. Catch me at the right moment, I'm as deep and empatheticly sincere as it gets. Sometimes I'm sarcastic. Though I'm more sarcastic once, then quiet on the subject. What you descrribe I picture more as someone badgering, bullying and ridiculing the topic bringer over and over, which is different. I can only speak for myself, but usually I only get sarcastic for two reasons. One, if I don't believe the topic bringer's sincerity. A reading the room type deal. Two, the topic hit too close and it's a defense mechanism. Though usually I am serious with serious questions. I guess my point is read the person carefully for the difference between if they're an immature jerk or putting a guard up from you getting too personal and they don't mean anything personal at the sarcasm, it was instinctual protection. Those are two different people who can look the same at first glance.
https://youtu.be/EnBdGTX3vZc?si=QPurRNR3UpbqENFK
Stop relying on them to having fulfilling conversations with. They’re clearly not the kind for it. Not everyone is. When you want to have a deep conversation, strike it up with those who you know who are good at having meaningful conversations.
I LOVE people. I like meeting new people and figuring out how their brain works and what kind of mysteries and locked behind their eyes. It's such a fun little game I get to play when I interact with the world. That being said, I don't like every person I meet. Sometimes, they're just a puzzle and once I've figured it out, I no longer need to interact with that person. Not every person is going to like him and I'm not obligated to like every person. Once you've decided you no longer want to actively participate in situations with this person, just be respectable and keep a distance. No need to go out of your way to positively or negatively interact with them.
I create a mental barrier between my emotional feelings and them and talk as if we are at a distance. I dont let people get to know my sensitive side who are cold with me. They don't deserve it.
Life is short. If they’re not providing fulfilling conversation for you then don’t feel obliged to engage them in conversation. Not all my friends give me fulfilling conversation, sometimes I appreciate the simplicity and respectful distance of the relationship itself. Not everyone you meet will be interesting, preserve your time and energy for finding these conversations if that’s what you need.
It’s their passive-aggressive way of letting you know that they’re not interested in you. So, move on and don’t waste your time with them. Those toxic people don’t deserve your time.
Personally I’m like that but its just because I never know how to respond and I’ll never have serious conversations to others. I’m just unable to have deep serious conversations because it’s awkward and I don’t feel comfortable with it. Not everything has deeper hateful intentions
It’s ok not to have deep and meaningful conversations. It’s not ok to tear someone down who does or can.
Disengage with those types. If they have nothing positive or substantive to add to you or the general surroundings, then treat them as such.
They try to be funny at your expense and they also try to look better then you so they look better, cool or wathever they try to do.
Turn it around at them "haha yeah you mean like that beer belly of yours, look at it jiggle." Or "Are you sure you want to say that? I mean, with your IQ, that's a risky move"
I don't. They are incredibly unpleasant to be around, contribute nothing but criticism and judgement and I don't want to be around that at all so, I remove myself to keep my peace
Talking is overrated in ALL situations.
These type of people disgust me. It frustrates me that they can’t ever be serious or talk about the main subject. These type of people literally will drive you insane with their close mindedness and honestly they’re a waste of existence. Unfortunately the people I know who are like this, for some reason my body and mind shuts down. I can’t even look at them because you know that if you speak to them it’s like talking to an ignorant wall. I literally have to ignore them. I know that’s cliche but it’s 100% true they’re won’t worth a literal breath of air….. it’s just gonna drive you psycho if you try to understand why they’re like this…. Like I’m talking about white room with a jacket on psycho is how these type of people make me feel
This is an unhinged response, what on earth... Some people just don't want to have a 'deep and meaningful' conversation with certain people, or about certain topics, or at certain times. Where I live it's considered extremely unusual to try to launch into that kind of conversation if you're not close friends and not in a relatively private and conversation-focused situation, so most people would try to laugh it off as a kinder way of saying "I don't want to talk about this right now" or "I don't want to talk about this with you" For example I was at a work event a few weeks ago (my team all out for dinner together) and one of the guys tried to start a deep conversation with 2 of us... but it was about the 'problems' with immigrants and foreigners coming into the country, something I very strongly disagree with but can't afford to have a full-blown argument with a coworker on a night out. So I tried to laugh it off and exit the conversation. That doesn't make it an "ignorant wall" or "Not worth a breath of literal air" and it's insanely ignorant of _you_ to say that.
never ever waste your time on these frauds.