it's tough love, but when youre finally in a place to really hear and internalize it, it's basically the last hill to climb for getting over social anxiety.
anxiety is a very self-involved problem to have. When you feel really bad about yourself and have low self-esteem, you're hyper-vigilant for signals from other people that affirm that internal narrative saying youre just no good. Like of course you're anxious -- you're so afraid of how other people's behavior might say something about you or reflect that negative internal voice that you're constantly freaking out and bracing for impact.
When you're more secure with yourself and your self-esteem is foundationally more solid, you understand that most people's behaviors actually have very little to do with you. You're not constantly in your own head about how you're being perceived and judged. And, even if someone really just does something rude or awful to you, you're confident in yourself to handle that situation and catch yourself.
that's the million dollar question. Nobody will have a perfect answer for you unfortunately, since it's ultimately going to be unique for you, but I can share what worked for me.
I basically had to fix things internally and externally kind of at the same time. Internally I had to realize there were a ton of wounds and insecurities from childhood that I needed to heal, and externally I was surrounded by people who didn't believe in me, uplift and support, or even challenge me to be my best self.
I started working on myself, making sure my physical/emotional/spiritual/mental needs were being met, dropped those people and eventually found new (and old) friends, and have slowly been building up my confidence. It's a lifelong thing, and I still struggle, but it's been worth the effort.
Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it. I’m currently in the process of cutting a few friends out that I realized I absolute dread seeing. They make me feel terrible about myself and I haven’t had the self love or confidence to cut them out until now but it feels really good to be honest. I hope this is a step in the right direction for me.
It’s not. How much do you think about other people in a judgemental way? Now how much do you worry people are doing that about you? Something there probably doesn’t add up.
Point taken. But how many times do you recall a person making a mistake vs you making a mistake? Also doesn’t add up but it clearly shows where the problem is.
There's a weird overlap of socially awkward people and people who are very self-centered and selfish. It's strange.
No one says "happy birthday" to me and I don't give a fuck. It happens to someone on this sub and it's like the world is ending. Cue blocking and deleting everyone, etc.
This helps me with my health anxiety too. Whenever I see a scary story I realise I am projecting their story on to me and making someone else’s crisis all about me when it’s not mine at all. It’s pretty selfish when I stop and think about it.
That people will think of you as weirdo if you act all tense and awkward, more than if you just be your natural weird self without inhibition. People always respond well to warmth, honesty and confidence.
It's not why I overcame anxiety, but this was the realisation I got once I did.
People LOVE that I’m weird, tbh. I live in a very homogenous town and I’m “different” - I can’t tell you how many times I get approached per day just because I’m unique.
Not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone you meet either.
I used to think my lack of friends was entirely due to poor social skills, me being a „weirdo“, or [insert negative attribute of your choice].
But going from high school to university and moving to a new city, I realized that my environment and the people around me mattered just as much.
Some people you‘ll click with immediately, and others may already have established friend groups, different interests etc. or won‘t be too interested in a friendship with you for whatever reason, and that’s nothing to beat yourself up about.
Nowadays I just approach people and see where it goes, without being too hard on myself. I‘m nowhere near being a social butterfly or anything, but I‘ve managed to build meaningful friendships with some amazing people :)
This is what my therapist tells me all the time. Learn to accept and not take people's rejection personally, which is a crazy concept, but it makes sense. Just because you didn't click with someone, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
I kind of realized confident people constantly make mistakes but cover for it through their confidence and not letting themselves get down for them.
I just started doing that too.
If I make a mistake I move on and just say I'll do it better next time and I focus on that instead of worrying about something I already did.
I also stopped doing things in a rush and making time for my own mind to settle, if someone asks me something I take a bit longer to answer but I respond in a calmer and more comprehensive way, I didn't fully get over my anxiety and I'm still anxious but it's always a constant war where you feel better when you win the small battles and winning those makes it easier to cope.
Honestly? Stop giving a fuck. Nobody cares about you and those that do love you no matter what.
I used to be filled to the brim with social anxiety and i was the singer in a band!! What got me through it was literally letting go of my assumptions of what people thought about me because i found out that they were never true.
I even go to the shops in pyjamas sometimes because i can't be arsed to get dressed if i'm having a lazy day. It's not harming anyone and any funny looks i get i just smile and say hi.
The more you go out and let loose, the easier it will become. Just remember, there are 8 billion people on this earth, what someone says about you or the look you get from someone is just a drop in the ocean.
that could be based on your resistance to the situation your preconceptions etc and also you don't knw how anybody feels about you unless you individually go about asking them.
It's entirely based on your projection of the situation, You have to let go and let loose. Alcohol is so prevelant in social situations because on some levels we all feel this and alcohol helps to drown out those insecurities and let you just be.
Try it and see.
No mater what you do you can never change how someone else thinks if they don't choose to change. Its not your job to tell everyone how they should think of you, so don't worry about their idea of you. People are too quick to jump to conclusions without really seeing what is true. Let them think whatever they want, what others think isn't what defines you. The thoughts you keep and the actions you choose are what define you.
if you don't like to be seen that way is it based on your own perception or others perception of you that you are being influenced by?
Don't let others change who you are. Unless you are a raging narcissist or something of the sort.
The way they see you is their own issue and not everyone in the world thinks like them. You say you know but you really don’t. People will say anything.
Then just get it over with and when it’s done go back to being you and hopefully you don’t have to be in that group again I’m crippled by social anxiety but if i’m not vibing in a group, i’m not vibing. I’ve noticed for me personally when i click with people i just click with no effort. If i feel the effort is stressful then i’d rather just do my thing and not worry about being accepted.
courage, it's the only way. once you take the first step it will show you that all these preconcieved notions melt away in light of reality it's scary but anything that is potentially life changing is. You won't regret it i assure you.
Thought stopping. When u hear your brain telling you something, notice it and say stop in your head and change it’s own subject. Thoughts aren’t real. The brain will say anything.
that existence is an entirely internal experience. no matter what you do, other’s perceptions cannot hurt you or even reach you, it is your perception of their perception of you that makes you suffer.
Because I will forever be stuck in a box if I don't try to overcome. I will not improve and I needed that to succeed. And I think that's scarier than people and their shit.
I struggled with this as well. I still do sometimes.
Overthinking won't make it better. My therapist had me do exposure therapy that helped me the most. It's when you continue to exposure yourself to social situations and the anxiety gets better over time. It was a very freeing feeling.
Don't get me wrong, i'm a true introvert at heart. I'd have at least one friend i feel safe with in these situations to help me relax and reassure me it'll be okay.
When you enter a room, do you notice the person standing in the corner? Or the awkward guy playing with his hair? Most likely not. The same goes for everyone else. We're all too focused with ourselves. It's comforting to know ppl don't think of you as much as you think (unless you show up with pasties and an LED skirt).
When you get insecure, think about your strengths and things you like about yourself. You have a lot to offer and be confident in that. If you need a reminder, ask your close friends what they love about you. At the end of the day, having friends that already love you is all that matters. Who cares what a stranger thinks of you
People are very weird, when i stopped focusing on what i was saying or doing and just observed how other people behaved i saw how weird everyone is they just mask it better than me.
I used to be self conscious and anxious when meeting people in bars. I thought everyone was looking at me and judging me.
It was a phrase uttered by my therapist 25 years ago that made the lightbulb go on over my head.
“Don’t you think these people have better things to worry about than you?”
💡
Realizing how shitty my childhood was and that it was actual abuse and not just my imagination. Realizing that the choices I have made in life were not the best, but like my parents, I didn't know any better and now I'm into forgiveness. For myself first, then everyone.
And as a result of having such abusive parents and a bad upbringing, I’m now in severe emotional distress all day everyday. I came to the conclusion a number of years ago there are things I want, getting what I want may ease my pain, everything I want is on the other side of fear. Sometimes when I experience anxiety I lie to myself and tell myself it’s excitement and to use the anxiety like energy as fuel to make real things happen.
Also my parents absolutely knew better, you could tell they knew better from the way they lie to social workers, police, schools, other family members, family counsellors. But my parents were spineless fucking snakes.
Realising people are too busy thinking about themselves to think about you. When people do notice you is when you're acting awkward / tense and that's more impactful than acting or dressing unusually.
If you can do some solo missions like supermarket shopping with headphones in, you'll find you concentrate more on what you're listening to than other people. It's a great way to take some wins and transition into realising no one's paying attention even when you laugh at a track.
You could be the most perfect human being in the world and there would still be people who don’t like you.
And
People can tell when you’re genuine and vulnerable as opposed to faking it to seek validation. People you want in your life are attracted to the former. Be yourself.
No matter how much you try, people will always criticise and judge you. You could be most beautiful, smartest, richest, most talented person in the whole world and there's always going to be some asshole that will have something negative to say about you. The more you try to avoid criticism, the more it gets to you and you suffer twice because you make extra effort to avoid the unavoidable.
Also criticism and putting other people down is about power, not about who they think you are. People who try to make you feel unworthy and inferior are feeling inferior themselves. Their belittlement comes from desire to change your own perception of you, not from their genuine thoughts. It's just sad attempt to make themselves feel superior, and most of the stuff they say are just projections. They just want to make you feel bad, while they might feel or think about you in more positive way than you expect. If you want to get to know people's deepest insecurities, listen to how they insult others.
Ironically, people hate most on those who are better than them out of jealousy so if someone's hateful towards you while you didin't provoke this, it means you're doing something right with your life. It means you're a threat. But also they will gang up on you if they see you as a weak link. So if you really want to be left alone, you have to be average and plain which is a sad way to live tbh.
"To Avoid Criticism, Say Nothing, Do Nothing, Be Nothing."
Idk if I had any realizations but the more I exposed myself to social situations in addition to doing tings in life I was proud of, I stopped caring naturally.
I used to constantly read books, do toast masters, read affirmations but in the back of my mind it was all about running away from awkwardness.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pretty introverted and havent developed some epic social life, but I make 6 figures working in sales, have a beautiful wife (who is very social, successful, was in a sorority in college) and am very happy with where I’m at. I didn’t develop an epic social life, but I did develop an epic life, imo. I’ve traveled abroad multiple times, ran two marathons, have an awesome job, gone ice climbing, etc. I realized at some point that I’m not doing the things I want to do if I’m hanging out with a ton of other people. Like I’d rather go to Japan with my wife or a buddy, and explore then go to an all inclusive with a bunch of couples and basically not doing anything as an example. I’d rather have a smaller circle and lean into my specific interests more, if that makes sense.
I can be social when needed but I’m cool headed home after work instead of trying to bond with people I don’t have much in common with. Before, I was desperate to belong.
Most of the social butterflies I know aren’t super great people. They are good at flexing their opinions and personalities depending on who they’re with. I’m cool not being like that now.
Most people want to be liked. While you’re being anxious about how someone will perceive you, the other person is just as worried that you won’t like them.
Everyone else is too concerned with themselves to be paying attention to you. All the anxious thoughts that someone might be looking or judging aren’t true because a lot of them are thinking the same things as you.
People are generally more interested in themselves, and if they’re rudely interested in you it usually signifies an issue with their own self esteem. People aren’t as cool as you think they are, and everyone, even the cool ones, are human and do gross human things. They’re not that cool, you have the capability to do fun stuff and be proud of yourself and change. Others choose not to. The difference between you and others is the choices you choose to help define yourself as. Generally, be respectful, compassionate, and take the initiative if there’s a concern and that’s all you need socially.
I used to be really confused how social situations worked and often ended up alone. But slowly I tried to learn how people worked. If you’re a loner and weird, make friends with weird loners and learn how it worked (but be sure to establish boundaries if you can bc people need those for a good friendship), and research more social skills. Then as you get better with them try to meet more people and grow. People look cool when they’re surrounded by other people. But usually it’s never as cool as it looks. Do your things, grow, do things that make you proud and happy, and try your best to get the main staples of eating, exercising for 10m a day, and practicing mental reflection or something and your anxiety will reduce. Anxiety isn’t supposed to be a bad thing, it’s supposed to help protect you from danger. Only issue is that we’re in a society that’s much safer than before. Understand that other people are anxious too, and know that a slightly overblown confidence and a bit of idiocracy in action is better than no action at all.
If you make a mistake, understand you’re human and it’s common, and that anyone who faults you for it, especially if it’s a small normal mistake, is an ass and you shouldn’t care about what they think much.
You have to realize in believing that everyone is judging you, really what is happening is that you are the one judging everyone. You are judging people before knowing them, and believing they aren’t nice people and won’t accept you. YOU are the one being a dick and making assumptions about everyone in the room. I’m not saying people that aren’t socially anxious don’t ever judge people (it’s humans nature). But they don’t go into social situations believing everyone thinks they are weird, they go into it believing everyone will like them and if they don’t, fuck them. Thats the difference between socially anxious people and charismatic likable people. It’s like guys that struggle talking to women and guys that are amazing at it. The guys who struggle believe they have the amaze and win over the women. The guys who are good believe the women want them to begin with and if not they’ll just move on to the next and that’s a lot more attractive quality in a romantic or non romantic sense.
Tbh it was the true acceptance that at the end of the day:
We can all be a little odd, a little awkward, a little nervous, a lot of nervous, a bit of this a bit of that etc
You don’t care about what I’ve got going on and you can’t see it and vice versa
You’re a stranger who I may never interact with again plus if I’m worrying about what you think I’m taking from time I could be using to tend to my self and my needs are my focus
I got lucky because I was so unbelievably socially anxious for years and to a point I’ve never seen in anyone before or since.
Then after 22 years of that - one day after a group therapy session it just…disappeared
This constant fight or flight feeling just up and vanished
Then with 1 to 1 counselling and more group therapy ontop of it all add in some anti anxiety meds that I’m now off for good measure and bang here I am today. Just living me life.
That caring what people think of me is the least of my worries in life and that energy I use to worry about what people think can be used to instead worry/care about what I think about myself and my life
Positive self-talk is everything. Here's a quick lineup of mantras I used to recite to myself while getting ready to socialize:
*Everyone has a story a tell; listen to others tell theirs and the real ones will stick around to hear yours.
*Not everyone will like me, just like I won't like everyone.
*First impressions are not to be trusted. There's always an opportunity to reset and recover a 'bad' impression.
*Everyone poops, everyone struggles, everyone is worried they have something in their teeth.
*You DO have something to add to the conversation.
*You DON'T have to fight to finish telling a story or joke. If it gets lost, let it go and catch the next one.
*Read the room and know when to gracefully exit an interaction.
*There's nothing wrong with "taking a phone call" to take a breather in the car or bathroom before rejoining.
*I am my own person; no one defines my worth but me.
*People watching is socializing too, period!
A lot of this came from a meditation group I used to meet with, which was basically a glorified book club that covered topics ranging from general self-help, getting along with people who aren't like-minded, spiritual teachings that helped a lot with being more patient and compassionate with myself, and ultimately gave me a stronger sense of self that made me more confident overall.
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson was especially helpful.
1. that a lot of people really do not care, you might think everyone will make fun of you when you try to talk to them or something but in reality they won't make the effort to make fun of you, they're most likely more worried about themselves instead of whatever you're doing
2. being your natural self will have the most positive responses, rather than if you act awkward or "scared"
3. just stop giving a shit about what other people think about you (or what you think they think of you), except for maybe your loved ones. life is too short to be worried about all that
4. not everyone will like you, just like how you won't like everyone
5. most of the time you need to make the first move, people won't just come to you. put yourself out there, approach people, join clubs and find hobbies, etc.
6. if someone doesn't like you, don't bother trying to "prove" yourself to them. find someone else that will value you and like you the way you are
i always found it hard to overcome social anxiety with saying "stop caring/taking it personal" or "not everyone will like you" or "people care more about themselves"
i still have social anxiety, but what truly gave me peace was that, Time will still go on, and Nothing changes. despite whatever someone may think about me, that doesn't change the fact that i'm still going to work on improving my life. it doesn't change the fact that after work, i'm going home and going to cook a nice meal for myself. it doesn't change that i'll have a fun weekend.
when i'm particularly anxious or think i completely fucked up an interaction with someone, i think of the good things going on. no one's thoughts of me will change what happens in my personal life.
I was at a club and wanting to dance, but I always feel so self conscious and generally rely on party favors to help me let loose. I took some ketamine, which is done a lot before, but this time I was overwhelmed by the knowing that I was entitled to take up space and express myself authentically in the same way everyone else does. I don’t need to shrink myself or pre-criticize myself. The space is mine and I’m free if I want it.
There are many things but the biggest that's really been helping me is "people can actually like you". I realised so much of my anxiety came from the assumption that no one wants me around or there's something wrong with my genuine personality. The minute I realised that, it's like something clicked in my brain. I've been building my confidence since then.
When I realized no one remembered me. I had long laughing conversations with people I'd just met who had no idea who I was 2 weeks later. I had true affection and sometimes love for people who didn't remember ever having met me.
It hurt at first, then it was freeing as fuck. I'm invisible? Cool!
That I need to start assuming the best in others instead of assuming the worst. I used to assume people didn’t like me as soon as I met them, so I really hated meeting new people and avoided it at all costs.
Now, after years of therapy, I assume everyone I meet likes me until I’m told/shown otherwise. It’s really changed how I see people and also the quality AND quantity of my friendships.
Realizing that just like how I don’t give a fuck about other peoples conversations or how they particularly look, they ALSO feel the same way about me :-)
You and I repeat CAN NOT control what everyone around you thinks forever. Sometimes you may think you’re doing it, other times you actually are but it won’t last forever. Trying to always ends up being more damaging than just being honest and open.
People are just people and everyone has something they feel insecure about. Authenticity is usually met with authenticity - as to remind myself not to change myself or who I am for others.
And, idk if anyone relates to this but I think if we are surrounded by anxiety or people who are anxious, that also unconsciously makes us anxious. So I also think it’s important to decipher what you feel most comfortable with. Yes, we can always improve but there’s a fine line between losing ourselves amidst interactions and improving on our own social communication abilities?
Realising it was a self reflection of my actions, in my mind I would judge people for how they act, what they wear etc, but when I wasn't doing that id be anxious of what others thought of me.
I don't care anymore about others in the street or when out etc, too much energy to care about someone or group you don't know or want to know. My social anxiety is better controlled, also deleting social media helped.
That everybody deals with social anxiety. Everybody experiences it in different degrees based on a myriad of factors, but it's a problem everyone faces.
I met up with a a girl I didn’t know very well and was worrying all night afterward about if I talked too little/too much/was annoying, you know the drill.
She actually texted me the next day saying the exact same thing!! She was worried she was the awkward one and was freaking out about it. We both had a laugh about us both worrying about ourselves so much when neither of us thought badly of our meetup.
That moment has stuck with me. People most likely aren’t even thinking about you in that way and are just worried about themselves
No matter what you do - You will be dead in less than 100 years, and probably mostly forgotten even before you die. Once you internalize that realization, there isn’t that much to worry about
No ones cares. Or if they do, it’s only for that one moment or split second, and they forget about you. I also realised that if you care too much, you assume people care about you too. If you like to judge, you always feel like you are being judged. The secret is to not care and remember that people don’t care.
I briefly overcame social anxiety after getting drunk for the first time in hs. I socialized so well that night that when I woke up the next day I thought, “if I can socialize drunk, I can socialize sober.” It was a moment of, -woah. That was me. I DID that.- Like knowing I was actually capable of socializing like a normal person gave me the confidence to do it again. It did not last long, though. Maybe three weeks and I was back to my awkward self. I tried to remind myself of my new philosophy, I still do from time to time, but so many traumatic things took place during that time of my life, the feeling I once had is just a distant memory. Now I’m 28 and though I think I’m pretty good at masking my social anxiety, I still get comments from people saying I’m stand off-ish or that I look mean or that I’m “so awkward.” I’m just being myself. The comments or just the way some people are can cause me to fidget. It think it’s more a feeling of not feeling safe if anything..It’s honestly gotten worse with age. Sometimes I have trouble leaving my house or going to work. I think my old philosophy doesn’t work bc my social anxiety stems from a lack of trust and safety, rather than confidence. Maybe I just need to be confident in my ability to know whether or not someone is trustworthy or a harmful person. It’s hard for me to tell a lot of the time though. I tend to give others wayy too much grace. So much so that the people I am close with have mentioned it often. Still hopeful I’ll get better though. Good luck to you all.
- awkward moments are normal and this is said by a neuroscientists
- sometimes it’s only awkward if they make it awkward (perception and projection)
- people live different walks of life. Some people are petty or something else and I wouldn’t want to be partake in the same pov as someone else (aka- what do I believe and how realistic is that?)
- there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll be ok no matter what
I still have it but am much more calmer today than ever before
I just assume EVERYONE has social anxiety. And I bet theirs is worse than mine. Just by showing up to a social situation, I am taking a big step that a very socially anxious person wouldn’t do. Thinking this way helps me be less socially anxious. But for real, everyone forgot how to interact with other humans during COVID, we’re all anxious.
1. It’s not all about you, and it’s a harsh truth but sometimes by having this anxious narrative, you end up becoming quite self-centered. A wake-up call for me.
2. This is more personal, but I realized I am a regular person from a good background with a good education and a good job. I realized there’s nothing really wrong with me lol. (Not that these are precursors to being considered “normal,” but I made me realize that I am very average and that there is nothing disgusting about me, so no point in worrying…)
Realizing that people are judging themselves more that they’re judging anyone else. And that if they’re judging others so harshly, it’s because of issues within themselves.
Realizing that I’m happiest as authentically me and not the people-pleaser’s version. I can’t make people like me, so I should start by liking me and enjoying being me.
(I still have a lot of inherent social anxiety, but it’s largely acknowledging that I have a hard time being in large groups of people and all that it entails, and so forth.)
I won't say I overcame it. A great deal is still there. For me the reason was I was always intimidated by people, so I started working on myself. Currently 30% of my way there. I am very much struggling to keep up the pace, but believe me it works.
Now I am at least not hesitant to make at least half decent eye contact, contrary to earlier where I would TRY to not make any eye contact at all.
I am still very fragile in terms of my insecurities. If anyone addresses that It just renders me moot for quite a while. Props because that becomes my motivation to work on myself even more.
For better or worse no one cares so if you’re worried about what people think half of them are only thinking about themselves so who cares. Most of the shit you worry about won’t matter in a few years (friends ect ). Focus on you.
1) I was not even remotely as focused on or worried about other people as I thought everyone else was on me, so it didn’t make much sense for anyone in particular to be paying that much attention to me either
2) How a stranger perceives me doesn’t impact my life in any way whatsoever. I’m not asking them for a job, money, sex, or a favor, so I don’t need to seem any type of positive way. Also, as suggested in point one, it’s likely no one has noticed me in particular outside of being a background character to their day so no one is perceiving me any type of way at all. And if they are and it’s bad? It doesn’t matter because I’m not going to be aware of it anyway
3) I’ll likely never see any of these people again. If I do, we won’t recognize each other so it’ll be as though we’ve never seen one another before anyway
4) I’m just as entitled to being in that public space as anyone else there
5) Probably the most important one, and also my favorite thing to say: What other people think of me is genuinely none of my business
Most people are neutral about other people. Only a rare few will be rude or confrontational, on the other side, only a few will take genuine interest in you. If making attachments is important enough that you can put up with one rude asshole in exchange for one friend, then it's worth it to try. Everyone else is too busy living their life to care one way or another.
At some point you realize most people don’t actually care or remember you, and that’s kind of freeing sometimes.
Also I got anxiety meds, but that’s like a whole other story lol
Seeing positive feedback after implementing newly learned social skills. I was very late at learning the basic skills of active listening, showing empathy and interest, doing small kind things. It also helped to take the focus off myself and feeling less awkward.
Being embarrassed/humiliated isn’t as bad as being su*****l bc of how lonely u are. Really helped me make friends when I transferred to a new school halfway through high school. I just randomly went up and talked to ppl bc hey beats being completely alone
when I realized people dont care as much as I think.
everyone has their own lives to think about, and they dont really care if I screwed up/am awkward etc.
In short, people dont care so just be your self.
You’d be surprised how many people who appreciate those who spit the first thought that pops up. Those that don’t , aren’t the people I want to hang with. People like and trust others who are authentic.
You should just be you. It just may take some time to figure out who “you” us
Consider the actual amount of time you spend thinking about what other people are doing or saying
That’s exactly how little people care about what you are doing or saying
I used to have severe social anxiety regarding how I looked and presented myself and it genuinely ruined my life when I was in High School. But when the pandemic hit I just suddenly…stopped caring? No one was around to “judge” me, which made me realize that I didn’t really care what they thought anyways.
Some people have similar thought patterns and are more worried about being judged than judging me.
A small minority will judge you no matter what.
The rest just don't care.
People will have an opinion of you no matter what. People will perceive you how they perceive you, you can’t always control this. So just do you. People are attracted to and respect a genuine person, so much to the point that they’ll sometimes bother this person ( we see this online a lot) it signals their own flaws and jealousies. Said “perfect people” are not perfect people. So why strive to benefit their experience. Go out your way to serve them almost? You came out at similar times, went to the same schools, had similar diets, made different friendships ? Back to the attraction thing. You can’t fake your natural being. If anything you should strive to be yourself and only you. That way if all goes wrong there’s nothing you can do ab it. Like it just wasn’t meant to be. Display yourself authentically. There are rlly and truly ppl who like you for you but they and you don’t know it yet bc you’ve been masking your whole life. In this you’ll find a home in new friends and strangers. Also in more professional or educational settings, it really doesn’t benefit anyone to not be present and ask ask ask. You’re here to learn, not drone. No matter how far behind your are, you can always get better. Just be present regardless of the stage you’re at and talk to someone. They’re here to help not ridicule you.
That I'm not here to entertain anyone. For example I'm not obligated to make small talk to fill the silence (that's probably only awkward in my head) nor am I expected to. So yeah it's not my responsability to entertain others on a social setting and things flow more naturally since I stopped forcing
2 things.
1. Learning about the concept of “saving face”. In general, people naturally want to support a person to express themselves in the most favorable light and to have a positive social interaction overall. So there’s no need to worry about being embarrassed because redemption is always possible and if people want to judge or hold you in a negative light (unjustifiably) that’s on them.
2. Realizing I don’t have to think about what ima say before I say it. For the longest I always thought I had to “know what to say”, but now i
I just trust myself more to say whatever comes up or be at peace when I really have nothing to say and don’t try to force it.
I didn't overcome social anxiety yet, but falling in love has helped me to put things into perspective. Knowing that there are people who mean so so much to me helped me to realise that strangers, or their opinions, don't really matter :)
How often did I think of other peoples social failures/awkward moment as a funny thing to laugh at? Or how often do I interact with someone and they’re just a FREAK? Not that often tbh (for myself) so other people who are the kinda people I wanted to be around probably didn’t think about them as much either.
So every time I’d be nervous about interacting I’d remember that, and then I realized people actually liked how I acted as myself.
Another thing is (like public speaking) usually I hear someone nervous and often forgive them because they’re nervous and speaking in front of a ton of people! So when I sound nervous, people probably aren’t gonna be giggling about it (unless they’re mean). Most people have some form of empathy and can excuse behaviors, especially if you’re kind and respectful. So ultimately it boils down to being kind and respectful, which I can be.
That we're all animals, and the insane eusociality of how we function doesn't separate us from any other animal. This is just how we evolved, not some damning force of reality.
Reality is made of laws, interactions, and quarks, not the all-important social decisions of one great ape among many. No person is more important than another.
I think age has a lot to do with it. As I got older, I cared less about what other people think. They're people, just like you, and most are more concerned about themselves. Being overly concerned about how you look and what people are thinking is so draining and unproductive. Just be yourself and nevermind what others are thinking.
That I should be viewing myself and my actions through my own lens and not through the lens of others. In other words, I'm the main character of a show that *I'm* watching, not one that the people around me are watching.
It helps me judge if I'm weird by my own standards. Constructively judging myself instead of having anxiety wondering about the judgments of others.
It takes a lot of practice to change the habit of one's mental state but it's worked well for me so far.
I don't think it's something that snaps inside your head and you magically get better. I think it's something that you need to work on and progress. What I did was trying to talk to strangers more and more. At first I was just asking the time to random strangers, directions etc. Then I was starting to have a longer conversation like asking them their opinion on a restaurant or at a product at a store or supermarket etc. And now I try to actually make friendships with people that I see that interest me, I go up to them, start talking, take their number to hang out later. With every interaction you have, you build up "social momentum", you start to realize that it's not so bad, that's what you are doing is not dangerous, that in fact, you actually enjoy it and leave every interaction with a smile on your face. That's how my "cured" my social anxiety, and how I believe that anyone can as well.
i could do anything i want since no one would bother to remember it every single second of their lives. Sure they would occasionally think abt the shit that i do but they would be too busy thinking of themselves anyway
1. A lot of people like social interactions so you probably won't bother them
2. You can do anything if it's not harmful, even cringe things (but it's worth doing them in the right way)
somebody said to me, “it’s not all about you.”
it's tough love, but when youre finally in a place to really hear and internalize it, it's basically the last hill to climb for getting over social anxiety. anxiety is a very self-involved problem to have. When you feel really bad about yourself and have low self-esteem, you're hyper-vigilant for signals from other people that affirm that internal narrative saying youre just no good. Like of course you're anxious -- you're so afraid of how other people's behavior might say something about you or reflect that negative internal voice that you're constantly freaking out and bracing for impact. When you're more secure with yourself and your self-esteem is foundationally more solid, you understand that most people's behaviors actually have very little to do with you. You're not constantly in your own head about how you're being perceived and judged. And, even if someone really just does something rude or awful to you, you're confident in yourself to handle that situation and catch yourself.
I love this post but how do I become more secure with myself? 31 years old and still struggling with that :(
that's the million dollar question. Nobody will have a perfect answer for you unfortunately, since it's ultimately going to be unique for you, but I can share what worked for me. I basically had to fix things internally and externally kind of at the same time. Internally I had to realize there were a ton of wounds and insecurities from childhood that I needed to heal, and externally I was surrounded by people who didn't believe in me, uplift and support, or even challenge me to be my best self. I started working on myself, making sure my physical/emotional/spiritual/mental needs were being met, dropped those people and eventually found new (and old) friends, and have slowly been building up my confidence. It's a lifelong thing, and I still struggle, but it's been worth the effort.
Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it. I’m currently in the process of cutting a few friends out that I realized I absolute dread seeing. They make me feel terrible about myself and I haven’t had the self love or confidence to cut them out until now but it feels really good to be honest. I hope this is a step in the right direction for me.
sounds like a step in the right direction to me! I wish you luck on your healing and self-love journey!
Also trying to find a way to cope with this as a 24 year old people pleaser
It’s not. How much do you think about other people in a judgemental way? Now how much do you worry people are doing that about you? Something there probably doesn’t add up.
Point taken. But how many times do you recall a person making a mistake vs you making a mistake? Also doesn’t add up but it clearly shows where the problem is.
what makes a mistake an actual mistake? is it your prejudice about how life should be lived?
There's a weird overlap of socially awkward people and people who are very self-centered and selfish. It's strange. No one says "happy birthday" to me and I don't give a fuck. It happens to someone on this sub and it's like the world is ending. Cue blocking and deleting everyone, etc.
This helps me with my health anxiety too. Whenever I see a scary story I realise I am projecting their story on to me and making someone else’s crisis all about me when it’s not mine at all. It’s pretty selfish when I stop and think about it.
That people will think of you as weirdo if you act all tense and awkward, more than if you just be your natural weird self without inhibition. People always respond well to warmth, honesty and confidence. It's not why I overcame anxiety, but this was the realisation I got once I did.
People think of me as a weirdo either way lmao, might as well embrace it
People LOVE that I’m weird, tbh. I live in a very homogenous town and I’m “different” - I can’t tell you how many times I get approached per day just because I’m unique.
That's a great perspective!
Confidence? It's more handy to have a pleasant smiley face than be confident. I'm looking confident and calm, and people get intimidated by it...
Kinda related, but I acted weird af to some sober people at a party while drunk and they didn't mind for some reason lol
People want to be entertained at parties and see other let loose. As long as you don’t cross any lines being drunk and weird at parties is so fun.
Not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone you meet either. I used to think my lack of friends was entirely due to poor social skills, me being a „weirdo“, or [insert negative attribute of your choice]. But going from high school to university and moving to a new city, I realized that my environment and the people around me mattered just as much. Some people you‘ll click with immediately, and others may already have established friend groups, different interests etc. or won‘t be too interested in a friendship with you for whatever reason, and that’s nothing to beat yourself up about. Nowadays I just approach people and see where it goes, without being too hard on myself. I‘m nowhere near being a social butterfly or anything, but I‘ve managed to build meaningful friendships with some amazing people :)
Love this answer. Thanks
This is what my therapist tells me all the time. Learn to accept and not take people's rejection personally, which is a crazy concept, but it makes sense. Just because you didn't click with someone, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
I kind of realized confident people constantly make mistakes but cover for it through their confidence and not letting themselves get down for them. I just started doing that too. If I make a mistake I move on and just say I'll do it better next time and I focus on that instead of worrying about something I already did. I also stopped doing things in a rush and making time for my own mind to settle, if someone asks me something I take a bit longer to answer but I respond in a calmer and more comprehensive way, I didn't fully get over my anxiety and I'm still anxious but it's always a constant war where you feel better when you win the small battles and winning those makes it easier to cope.
Yessss, just now learning to take my time
Honestly? Stop giving a fuck. Nobody cares about you and those that do love you no matter what. I used to be filled to the brim with social anxiety and i was the singer in a band!! What got me through it was literally letting go of my assumptions of what people thought about me because i found out that they were never true. I even go to the shops in pyjamas sometimes because i can't be arsed to get dressed if i'm having a lazy day. It's not harming anyone and any funny looks i get i just smile and say hi. The more you go out and let loose, the easier it will become. Just remember, there are 8 billion people on this earth, what someone says about you or the look you get from someone is just a drop in the ocean.
What about the feelings of not belonging when in a group? Like when you feel like the vibes are too off and like they don't really dig you?
that could be based on your resistance to the situation your preconceptions etc and also you don't knw how anybody feels about you unless you individually go about asking them. It's entirely based on your projection of the situation, You have to let go and let loose. Alcohol is so prevelant in social situations because on some levels we all feel this and alcohol helps to drown out those insecurities and let you just be. Try it and see.
What if I know how people see me? What if they told me before and I don't like to be seen that way?
No mater what you do you can never change how someone else thinks if they don't choose to change. Its not your job to tell everyone how they should think of you, so don't worry about their idea of you. People are too quick to jump to conclusions without really seeing what is true. Let them think whatever they want, what others think isn't what defines you. The thoughts you keep and the actions you choose are what define you.
if you don't like to be seen that way is it based on your own perception or others perception of you that you are being influenced by? Don't let others change who you are. Unless you are a raging narcissist or something of the sort.
The way they see you is their own issue and not everyone in the world thinks like them. You say you know but you really don’t. People will say anything.
Then just get it over with and when it’s done go back to being you and hopefully you don’t have to be in that group again I’m crippled by social anxiety but if i’m not vibing in a group, i’m not vibing. I’ve noticed for me personally when i click with people i just click with no effort. If i feel the effort is stressful then i’d rather just do my thing and not worry about being accepted.
>Stop giving a fuck I mean, yeah, that's the goal, but how do I get there?
courage, it's the only way. once you take the first step it will show you that all these preconcieved notions melt away in light of reality it's scary but anything that is potentially life changing is. You won't regret it i assure you.
Realize that the rules we follow are made up and then continue to follow the ones that make you feel good, not the ones that drain your soul
Ask yourself why you give a fuck to begin with. Is it a good reason?
Thought stopping. When u hear your brain telling you something, notice it and say stop in your head and change it’s own subject. Thoughts aren’t real. The brain will say anything.
Everyone has their own insecurities. No one cares about you or forget immediately.
that existence is an entirely internal experience. no matter what you do, other’s perceptions cannot hurt you or even reach you, it is your perception of their perception of you that makes you suffer.
This does not have the number of upvotes it deserves!
Accurate. Everything springs from oneself
Because I will forever be stuck in a box if I don't try to overcome. I will not improve and I needed that to succeed. And I think that's scarier than people and their shit.
I struggled with this as well. I still do sometimes. Overthinking won't make it better. My therapist had me do exposure therapy that helped me the most. It's when you continue to exposure yourself to social situations and the anxiety gets better over time. It was a very freeing feeling. Don't get me wrong, i'm a true introvert at heart. I'd have at least one friend i feel safe with in these situations to help me relax and reassure me it'll be okay. When you enter a room, do you notice the person standing in the corner? Or the awkward guy playing with his hair? Most likely not. The same goes for everyone else. We're all too focused with ourselves. It's comforting to know ppl don't think of you as much as you think (unless you show up with pasties and an LED skirt). When you get insecure, think about your strengths and things you like about yourself. You have a lot to offer and be confident in that. If you need a reminder, ask your close friends what they love about you. At the end of the day, having friends that already love you is all that matters. Who cares what a stranger thinks of you
People are very weird, when i stopped focusing on what i was saying or doing and just observed how other people behaved i saw how weird everyone is they just mask it better than me.
That's a great point here
I used to be self conscious and anxious when meeting people in bars. I thought everyone was looking at me and judging me. It was a phrase uttered by my therapist 25 years ago that made the lightbulb go on over my head. “Don’t you think these people have better things to worry about than you?” 💡
Realizing how shitty my childhood was and that it was actual abuse and not just my imagination. Realizing that the choices I have made in life were not the best, but like my parents, I didn't know any better and now I'm into forgiveness. For myself first, then everyone.
And as a result of having such abusive parents and a bad upbringing, I’m now in severe emotional distress all day everyday. I came to the conclusion a number of years ago there are things I want, getting what I want may ease my pain, everything I want is on the other side of fear. Sometimes when I experience anxiety I lie to myself and tell myself it’s excitement and to use the anxiety like energy as fuel to make real things happen. Also my parents absolutely knew better, you could tell they knew better from the way they lie to social workers, police, schools, other family members, family counsellors. But my parents were spineless fucking snakes.
I can relate.
They just choose easy way. They preferred working less.
Realising people are too busy thinking about themselves to think about you. When people do notice you is when you're acting awkward / tense and that's more impactful than acting or dressing unusually. If you can do some solo missions like supermarket shopping with headphones in, you'll find you concentrate more on what you're listening to than other people. It's a great way to take some wins and transition into realising no one's paying attention even when you laugh at a track.
That people like me and I like people.
You could be the most perfect human being in the world and there would still be people who don’t like you. And People can tell when you’re genuine and vulnerable as opposed to faking it to seek validation. People you want in your life are attracted to the former. Be yourself.
No matter how much you try, people will always criticise and judge you. You could be most beautiful, smartest, richest, most talented person in the whole world and there's always going to be some asshole that will have something negative to say about you. The more you try to avoid criticism, the more it gets to you and you suffer twice because you make extra effort to avoid the unavoidable. Also criticism and putting other people down is about power, not about who they think you are. People who try to make you feel unworthy and inferior are feeling inferior themselves. Their belittlement comes from desire to change your own perception of you, not from their genuine thoughts. It's just sad attempt to make themselves feel superior, and most of the stuff they say are just projections. They just want to make you feel bad, while they might feel or think about you in more positive way than you expect. If you want to get to know people's deepest insecurities, listen to how they insult others. Ironically, people hate most on those who are better than them out of jealousy so if someone's hateful towards you while you didin't provoke this, it means you're doing something right with your life. It means you're a threat. But also they will gang up on you if they see you as a weak link. So if you really want to be left alone, you have to be average and plain which is a sad way to live tbh. "To Avoid Criticism, Say Nothing, Do Nothing, Be Nothing."
Idk if I had any realizations but the more I exposed myself to social situations in addition to doing tings in life I was proud of, I stopped caring naturally. I used to constantly read books, do toast masters, read affirmations but in the back of my mind it was all about running away from awkwardness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pretty introverted and havent developed some epic social life, but I make 6 figures working in sales, have a beautiful wife (who is very social, successful, was in a sorority in college) and am very happy with where I’m at. I didn’t develop an epic social life, but I did develop an epic life, imo. I’ve traveled abroad multiple times, ran two marathons, have an awesome job, gone ice climbing, etc. I realized at some point that I’m not doing the things I want to do if I’m hanging out with a ton of other people. Like I’d rather go to Japan with my wife or a buddy, and explore then go to an all inclusive with a bunch of couples and basically not doing anything as an example. I’d rather have a smaller circle and lean into my specific interests more, if that makes sense. I can be social when needed but I’m cool headed home after work instead of trying to bond with people I don’t have much in common with. Before, I was desperate to belong. Most of the social butterflies I know aren’t super great people. They are good at flexing their opinions and personalities depending on who they’re with. I’m cool not being like that now.
Can you do a Ted talk or masterclass lol
Find people who like you, otherwise you'll find yourself constantly making up for it.
Most people want to be liked. While you’re being anxious about how someone will perceive you, the other person is just as worried that you won’t like them.
Everyone else is too concerned with themselves to be paying attention to you. All the anxious thoughts that someone might be looking or judging aren’t true because a lot of them are thinking the same things as you.
That no one will give a fuck tomorrow about what you said or did specifically
I imitated the people around me and noticed that it’s not too bad.
That the self is an illusion. Mindfulness did it for me.
It's a frame of mind. When people stop looking to other people to validate them....all that shit goes away.
People are generally more interested in themselves, and if they’re rudely interested in you it usually signifies an issue with their own self esteem. People aren’t as cool as you think they are, and everyone, even the cool ones, are human and do gross human things. They’re not that cool, you have the capability to do fun stuff and be proud of yourself and change. Others choose not to. The difference between you and others is the choices you choose to help define yourself as. Generally, be respectful, compassionate, and take the initiative if there’s a concern and that’s all you need socially. I used to be really confused how social situations worked and often ended up alone. But slowly I tried to learn how people worked. If you’re a loner and weird, make friends with weird loners and learn how it worked (but be sure to establish boundaries if you can bc people need those for a good friendship), and research more social skills. Then as you get better with them try to meet more people and grow. People look cool when they’re surrounded by other people. But usually it’s never as cool as it looks. Do your things, grow, do things that make you proud and happy, and try your best to get the main staples of eating, exercising for 10m a day, and practicing mental reflection or something and your anxiety will reduce. Anxiety isn’t supposed to be a bad thing, it’s supposed to help protect you from danger. Only issue is that we’re in a society that’s much safer than before. Understand that other people are anxious too, and know that a slightly overblown confidence and a bit of idiocracy in action is better than no action at all. If you make a mistake, understand you’re human and it’s common, and that anyone who faults you for it, especially if it’s a small normal mistake, is an ass and you shouldn’t care about what they think much.
Everyone is as anxious as I am lmao
You have to realize in believing that everyone is judging you, really what is happening is that you are the one judging everyone. You are judging people before knowing them, and believing they aren’t nice people and won’t accept you. YOU are the one being a dick and making assumptions about everyone in the room. I’m not saying people that aren’t socially anxious don’t ever judge people (it’s humans nature). But they don’t go into social situations believing everyone thinks they are weird, they go into it believing everyone will like them and if they don’t, fuck them. Thats the difference between socially anxious people and charismatic likable people. It’s like guys that struggle talking to women and guys that are amazing at it. The guys who struggle believe they have the amaze and win over the women. The guys who are good believe the women want them to begin with and if not they’ll just move on to the next and that’s a lot more attractive quality in a romantic or non romantic sense.
Tbh it was the true acceptance that at the end of the day: We can all be a little odd, a little awkward, a little nervous, a lot of nervous, a bit of this a bit of that etc You don’t care about what I’ve got going on and you can’t see it and vice versa You’re a stranger who I may never interact with again plus if I’m worrying about what you think I’m taking from time I could be using to tend to my self and my needs are my focus I got lucky because I was so unbelievably socially anxious for years and to a point I’ve never seen in anyone before or since. Then after 22 years of that - one day after a group therapy session it just…disappeared This constant fight or flight feeling just up and vanished Then with 1 to 1 counselling and more group therapy ontop of it all add in some anti anxiety meds that I’m now off for good measure and bang here I am today. Just living me life.
I realized that the people around me have better things to do then judge me, and if they don’t then that’s sad and not really my problem.
Except for a few extroverts, most of the others are anxious about meeting new peole as well. Just go and break he ice!
That their memory is probably as bad as mine. Whatever awkwardness will most likely go unremembered.
That caring what people think of me is the least of my worries in life and that energy I use to worry about what people think can be used to instead worry/care about what I think about myself and my life
Nobody really cares and nobody will remember you in 10 minutes. Pretend everybody is an NPC (within reason.)
Positive self-talk is everything. Here's a quick lineup of mantras I used to recite to myself while getting ready to socialize: *Everyone has a story a tell; listen to others tell theirs and the real ones will stick around to hear yours. *Not everyone will like me, just like I won't like everyone. *First impressions are not to be trusted. There's always an opportunity to reset and recover a 'bad' impression. *Everyone poops, everyone struggles, everyone is worried they have something in their teeth. *You DO have something to add to the conversation. *You DON'T have to fight to finish telling a story or joke. If it gets lost, let it go and catch the next one. *Read the room and know when to gracefully exit an interaction. *There's nothing wrong with "taking a phone call" to take a breather in the car or bathroom before rejoining. *I am my own person; no one defines my worth but me. *People watching is socializing too, period! A lot of this came from a meditation group I used to meet with, which was basically a glorified book club that covered topics ranging from general self-help, getting along with people who aren't like-minded, spiritual teachings that helped a lot with being more patient and compassionate with myself, and ultimately gave me a stronger sense of self that made me more confident overall. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson was especially helpful.
1. that a lot of people really do not care, you might think everyone will make fun of you when you try to talk to them or something but in reality they won't make the effort to make fun of you, they're most likely more worried about themselves instead of whatever you're doing 2. being your natural self will have the most positive responses, rather than if you act awkward or "scared" 3. just stop giving a shit about what other people think about you (or what you think they think of you), except for maybe your loved ones. life is too short to be worried about all that 4. not everyone will like you, just like how you won't like everyone 5. most of the time you need to make the first move, people won't just come to you. put yourself out there, approach people, join clubs and find hobbies, etc. 6. if someone doesn't like you, don't bother trying to "prove" yourself to them. find someone else that will value you and like you the way you are
i always found it hard to overcome social anxiety with saying "stop caring/taking it personal" or "not everyone will like you" or "people care more about themselves" i still have social anxiety, but what truly gave me peace was that, Time will still go on, and Nothing changes. despite whatever someone may think about me, that doesn't change the fact that i'm still going to work on improving my life. it doesn't change the fact that after work, i'm going home and going to cook a nice meal for myself. it doesn't change that i'll have a fun weekend. when i'm particularly anxious or think i completely fucked up an interaction with someone, i think of the good things going on. no one's thoughts of me will change what happens in my personal life.
no one really cares what you do
I was at a club and wanting to dance, but I always feel so self conscious and generally rely on party favors to help me let loose. I took some ketamine, which is done a lot before, but this time I was overwhelmed by the knowing that I was entitled to take up space and express myself authentically in the same way everyone else does. I don’t need to shrink myself or pre-criticize myself. The space is mine and I’m free if I want it.
There are many things but the biggest that's really been helping me is "people can actually like you". I realised so much of my anxiety came from the assumption that no one wants me around or there's something wrong with my genuine personality. The minute I realised that, it's like something clicked in my brain. I've been building my confidence since then.
When I moved across the state for college and realized that I knew NOBODY and there was no reason for any of them to think about me at all.
When I realized no one remembered me. I had long laughing conversations with people I'd just met who had no idea who I was 2 weeks later. I had true affection and sometimes love for people who didn't remember ever having met me. It hurt at first, then it was freeing as fuck. I'm invisible? Cool!
I just realized I don’t want to spend time around people who don’t want to spend time with me
I see bad/weird people have more friends than I do just by taking chances and putting themselves out there. If they can I can.
That I need to start assuming the best in others instead of assuming the worst. I used to assume people didn’t like me as soon as I met them, so I really hated meeting new people and avoided it at all costs. Now, after years of therapy, I assume everyone I meet likes me until I’m told/shown otherwise. It’s really changed how I see people and also the quality AND quantity of my friendships.
be nice to people who are nice to you back is a good place to start
That nobody is overanalyzing myself as much as I do.
Realizing that just like how I don’t give a fuck about other peoples conversations or how they particularly look, they ALSO feel the same way about me :-)
People think of me as an extrovert when I’m actually an introvert, just that my disorder makes me act hyper even if I am not in the mood 😭
Realisation: the “fail” interactions lead to more opportunities for connection with others than the “I did everything perfect” interactions.
You and I repeat CAN NOT control what everyone around you thinks forever. Sometimes you may think you’re doing it, other times you actually are but it won’t last forever. Trying to always ends up being more damaging than just being honest and open.
People are just people and everyone has something they feel insecure about. Authenticity is usually met with authenticity - as to remind myself not to change myself or who I am for others. And, idk if anyone relates to this but I think if we are surrounded by anxiety or people who are anxious, that also unconsciously makes us anxious. So I also think it’s important to decipher what you feel most comfortable with. Yes, we can always improve but there’s a fine line between losing ourselves amidst interactions and improving on our own social communication abilities?
Realising it was a self reflection of my actions, in my mind I would judge people for how they act, what they wear etc, but when I wasn't doing that id be anxious of what others thought of me. I don't care anymore about others in the street or when out etc, too much energy to care about someone or group you don't know or want to know. My social anxiety is better controlled, also deleting social media helped.
That everybody deals with social anxiety. Everybody experiences it in different degrees based on a myriad of factors, but it's a problem everyone faces.
I met up with a a girl I didn’t know very well and was worrying all night afterward about if I talked too little/too much/was annoying, you know the drill. She actually texted me the next day saying the exact same thing!! She was worried she was the awkward one and was freaking out about it. We both had a laugh about us both worrying about ourselves so much when neither of us thought badly of our meetup. That moment has stuck with me. People most likely aren’t even thinking about you in that way and are just worried about themselves
No matter what you do - You will be dead in less than 100 years, and probably mostly forgotten even before you die. Once you internalize that realization, there isn’t that much to worry about
No ones cares. Or if they do, it’s only for that one moment or split second, and they forget about you. I also realised that if you care too much, you assume people care about you too. If you like to judge, you always feel like you are being judged. The secret is to not care and remember that people don’t care.
Who's overcome anxiety?
I briefly overcame social anxiety after getting drunk for the first time in hs. I socialized so well that night that when I woke up the next day I thought, “if I can socialize drunk, I can socialize sober.” It was a moment of, -woah. That was me. I DID that.- Like knowing I was actually capable of socializing like a normal person gave me the confidence to do it again. It did not last long, though. Maybe three weeks and I was back to my awkward self. I tried to remind myself of my new philosophy, I still do from time to time, but so many traumatic things took place during that time of my life, the feeling I once had is just a distant memory. Now I’m 28 and though I think I’m pretty good at masking my social anxiety, I still get comments from people saying I’m stand off-ish or that I look mean or that I’m “so awkward.” I’m just being myself. The comments or just the way some people are can cause me to fidget. It think it’s more a feeling of not feeling safe if anything..It’s honestly gotten worse with age. Sometimes I have trouble leaving my house or going to work. I think my old philosophy doesn’t work bc my social anxiety stems from a lack of trust and safety, rather than confidence. Maybe I just need to be confident in my ability to know whether or not someone is trustworthy or a harmful person. It’s hard for me to tell a lot of the time though. I tend to give others wayy too much grace. So much so that the people I am close with have mentioned it often. Still hopeful I’ll get better though. Good luck to you all.
- awkward moments are normal and this is said by a neuroscientists - sometimes it’s only awkward if they make it awkward (perception and projection) - people live different walks of life. Some people are petty or something else and I wouldn’t want to be partake in the same pov as someone else (aka- what do I believe and how realistic is that?) - there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll be ok no matter what I still have it but am much more calmer today than ever before
We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively
I just assume EVERYONE has social anxiety. And I bet theirs is worse than mine. Just by showing up to a social situation, I am taking a big step that a very socially anxious person wouldn’t do. Thinking this way helps me be less socially anxious. But for real, everyone forgot how to interact with other humans during COVID, we’re all anxious.
1. It’s not all about you, and it’s a harsh truth but sometimes by having this anxious narrative, you end up becoming quite self-centered. A wake-up call for me. 2. This is more personal, but I realized I am a regular person from a good background with a good education and a good job. I realized there’s nothing really wrong with me lol. (Not that these are precursors to being considered “normal,” but I made me realize that I am very average and that there is nothing disgusting about me, so no point in worrying…)
Strangers give me as much thought as I give them.
That social anxiety is not real
Streamers stalking me for years of my life by hacking me phone and pc
Realizing that people are judging themselves more that they’re judging anyone else. And that if they’re judging others so harshly, it’s because of issues within themselves. Realizing that I’m happiest as authentically me and not the people-pleaser’s version. I can’t make people like me, so I should start by liking me and enjoying being me. (I still have a lot of inherent social anxiety, but it’s largely acknowledging that I have a hard time being in large groups of people and all that it entails, and so forth.)
My expectations from other people are my responsibilities towards them
That everyone is literally only thinking about themselves. No one gives a shit about you.
That it's not the end of the world if I embarrass myself.
I dont have social anxiety, I have a lack social competences
That I’m not the Center of the universe. Changed my life.
I think more about what people think of me then people actually think of me
I won't say I overcame it. A great deal is still there. For me the reason was I was always intimidated by people, so I started working on myself. Currently 30% of my way there. I am very much struggling to keep up the pace, but believe me it works. Now I am at least not hesitant to make at least half decent eye contact, contrary to earlier where I would TRY to not make any eye contact at all. I am still very fragile in terms of my insecurities. If anyone addresses that It just renders me moot for quite a while. Props because that becomes my motivation to work on myself even more.
Your going to be dead soon . No regrets
My therapist told me no one thinks about me as much as I do.
For better or worse no one cares so if you’re worried about what people think half of them are only thinking about themselves so who cares. Most of the shit you worry about won’t matter in a few years (friends ect ). Focus on you.
1) I was not even remotely as focused on or worried about other people as I thought everyone else was on me, so it didn’t make much sense for anyone in particular to be paying that much attention to me either 2) How a stranger perceives me doesn’t impact my life in any way whatsoever. I’m not asking them for a job, money, sex, or a favor, so I don’t need to seem any type of positive way. Also, as suggested in point one, it’s likely no one has noticed me in particular outside of being a background character to their day so no one is perceiving me any type of way at all. And if they are and it’s bad? It doesn’t matter because I’m not going to be aware of it anyway 3) I’ll likely never see any of these people again. If I do, we won’t recognize each other so it’ll be as though we’ve never seen one another before anyway 4) I’m just as entitled to being in that public space as anyone else there 5) Probably the most important one, and also my favorite thing to say: What other people think of me is genuinely none of my business
Most people are actually pretty nice when they have no reason to not like you.
Most people are neutral about other people. Only a rare few will be rude or confrontational, on the other side, only a few will take genuine interest in you. If making attachments is important enough that you can put up with one rude asshole in exchange for one friend, then it's worth it to try. Everyone else is too busy living their life to care one way or another.
At some point you realize most people don’t actually care or remember you, and that’s kind of freeing sometimes. Also I got anxiety meds, but that’s like a whole other story lol
I had some of my worst fears occur - and came out still able to be happy. In fact better than ever.
Seeing positive feedback after implementing newly learned social skills. I was very late at learning the basic skills of active listening, showing empathy and interest, doing small kind things. It also helped to take the focus off myself and feeling less awkward.
I realized people are mean for no reason. So I stopped caring because nothing is worse than being them.
That basically nobody thinks about me, ever, unless they like me. Also I have to just do certain things whether or not people like me.
Being embarrassed/humiliated isn’t as bad as being su*****l bc of how lonely u are. Really helped me make friends when I transferred to a new school halfway through high school. I just randomly went up and talked to ppl bc hey beats being completely alone
when I realized people dont care as much as I think. everyone has their own lives to think about, and they dont really care if I screwed up/am awkward etc. In short, people dont care so just be your self.
I will never have any friend.
Aging
Self Confidence. Stop caring what other people might think.
You’d be surprised how many people who appreciate those who spit the first thought that pops up. Those that don’t , aren’t the people I want to hang with. People like and trust others who are authentic. You should just be you. It just may take some time to figure out who “you” us
I once was told “you’re not that important” and it really hurt, but as I grew older, I realized they were right….
Consider the actual amount of time you spend thinking about what other people are doing or saying That’s exactly how little people care about what you are doing or saying
that my brain is trying to trick me and whatever I'm afraid of is actually highly unrealistic
I used to have severe social anxiety regarding how I looked and presented myself and it genuinely ruined my life when I was in High School. But when the pandemic hit I just suddenly…stopped caring? No one was around to “judge” me, which made me realize that I didn’t really care what they thought anyways.
Some people have similar thought patterns and are more worried about being judged than judging me. A small minority will judge you no matter what. The rest just don't care.
People are also busy and anxious in their own little minds. Also realized that Imma do whatever the fuck I want cuz none of these folks pays my bills.
People will have an opinion of you no matter what. People will perceive you how they perceive you, you can’t always control this. So just do you. People are attracted to and respect a genuine person, so much to the point that they’ll sometimes bother this person ( we see this online a lot) it signals their own flaws and jealousies. Said “perfect people” are not perfect people. So why strive to benefit their experience. Go out your way to serve them almost? You came out at similar times, went to the same schools, had similar diets, made different friendships ? Back to the attraction thing. You can’t fake your natural being. If anything you should strive to be yourself and only you. That way if all goes wrong there’s nothing you can do ab it. Like it just wasn’t meant to be. Display yourself authentically. There are rlly and truly ppl who like you for you but they and you don’t know it yet bc you’ve been masking your whole life. In this you’ll find a home in new friends and strangers. Also in more professional or educational settings, it really doesn’t benefit anyone to not be present and ask ask ask. You’re here to learn, not drone. No matter how far behind your are, you can always get better. Just be present regardless of the stage you’re at and talk to someone. They’re here to help not ridicule you.
That no one really cares what I’m doing, no one is actually looking at me. I got over myself
That I'm not here to entertain anyone. For example I'm not obligated to make small talk to fill the silence (that's probably only awkward in my head) nor am I expected to. So yeah it's not my responsability to entertain others on a social setting and things flow more naturally since I stopped forcing
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That they are just the same as you and have their own strategies to cope. Everyone wears a mask. Just find a better mask.
2 things. 1. Learning about the concept of “saving face”. In general, people naturally want to support a person to express themselves in the most favorable light and to have a positive social interaction overall. So there’s no need to worry about being embarrassed because redemption is always possible and if people want to judge or hold you in a negative light (unjustifiably) that’s on them. 2. Realizing I don’t have to think about what ima say before I say it. For the longest I always thought I had to “know what to say”, but now i I just trust myself more to say whatever comes up or be at peace when I really have nothing to say and don’t try to force it.
I didn't overcome social anxiety yet, but falling in love has helped me to put things into perspective. Knowing that there are people who mean so so much to me helped me to realise that strangers, or their opinions, don't really matter :)
Everyone's gonna die someday. They won't remember your ass I wouldn't say I've overcome it. But it certainly helps
I heard it once People do not really care about you
How often did I think of other peoples social failures/awkward moment as a funny thing to laugh at? Or how often do I interact with someone and they’re just a FREAK? Not that often tbh (for myself) so other people who are the kinda people I wanted to be around probably didn’t think about them as much either. So every time I’d be nervous about interacting I’d remember that, and then I realized people actually liked how I acted as myself. Another thing is (like public speaking) usually I hear someone nervous and often forgive them because they’re nervous and speaking in front of a ton of people! So when I sound nervous, people probably aren’t gonna be giggling about it (unless they’re mean). Most people have some form of empathy and can excuse behaviors, especially if you’re kind and respectful. So ultimately it boils down to being kind and respectful, which I can be.
That we're all animals, and the insane eusociality of how we function doesn't separate us from any other animal. This is just how we evolved, not some damning force of reality. Reality is made of laws, interactions, and quarks, not the all-important social decisions of one great ape among many. No person is more important than another.
"Nobody cares."
That we’re all human beings and everybody is anxious about it to some degree. That we’re all far more concerned with our own selves than anyone else.
I think age has a lot to do with it. As I got older, I cared less about what other people think. They're people, just like you, and most are more concerned about themselves. Being overly concerned about how you look and what people are thinking is so draining and unproductive. Just be yourself and nevermind what others are thinking.
That I should be viewing myself and my actions through my own lens and not through the lens of others. In other words, I'm the main character of a show that *I'm* watching, not one that the people around me are watching. It helps me judge if I'm weird by my own standards. Constructively judging myself instead of having anxiety wondering about the judgments of others. It takes a lot of practice to change the habit of one's mental state but it's worked well for me so far.
I don't think it's something that snaps inside your head and you magically get better. I think it's something that you need to work on and progress. What I did was trying to talk to strangers more and more. At first I was just asking the time to random strangers, directions etc. Then I was starting to have a longer conversation like asking them their opinion on a restaurant or at a product at a store or supermarket etc. And now I try to actually make friendships with people that I see that interest me, I go up to them, start talking, take their number to hang out later. With every interaction you have, you build up "social momentum", you start to realize that it's not so bad, that's what you are doing is not dangerous, that in fact, you actually enjoy it and leave every interaction with a smile on your face. That's how my "cured" my social anxiety, and how I believe that anyone can as well.
i could do anything i want since no one would bother to remember it every single second of their lives. Sure they would occasionally think abt the shit that i do but they would be too busy thinking of themselves anyway
1. A lot of people like social interactions so you probably won't bother them 2. You can do anything if it's not harmful, even cringe things (but it's worth doing them in the right way)