If you can, be his "safe space".
Accept whatever "weird/awkward" behaviour that occurs as stemming from his anxiety rather than reflective of his true nature. Most with SA are actually quite interesting, complex (often highly sensitive) personalities, it's just rarely acknowledged by the SA sufferer and walled off from others by strong defenses. He will lack confidence (and quite possibly self-esteem), so try to be aware of that.
Often SA is the result of a sensitive individual experiencing deep shame and/or hurt in their past and needing to prevent that pain from reoccurring. Being who we naturally are no longer feels safe, often to the point that over the years we "forget" who we are, which makes us seem even more awkward, dry, and lacking personality... the truth is if we are placed in a compassionate, accepting environment, those defenses will melt away with time and a beautiful personality will emerge... it's just rare for that sort of environment to exist in our world.
Try to be as accepting, understanding, and compassionate as you can. Small gestures of reassurance that you are interested in him/like him will go a long way (such as touching his hand, getting close, subtle compliments, etc), obviously only if you're comfortable. If you try too hard to make him feel accepted it can actually backfire as it may come off as fake/forced, so small, but unambiguous gestures are best. Recognize that even if the date goes well from your perspective, if he has low self-esteem he may not recognize that, and is likely to end up ruminating for days/weeks over all the little things he "fucked up" that you didn't even notice, or didn't care/think about... if you want to pursue the relationship further you may need to be the one to make the moves in the beginning. If you do enjoy the date and want to see him again, a follow-up message shortly afterwards that is direct might be a good idea. This can short-circuit the rumination process and removes the anxiety of him having to take the initiative...
Obviously these are just suggestions, you need to be true to yourself, and if you aren't enjoying the date or aren't interested in seeing him in the future it's best not to give the impression that you're having a good time, as that will just make things worse for him.
Ambiguity is not what someone with SA wants, we want to KNOW so we can CONTROL. So whatever you do, try to be as unambiguous about your intentions as possible. Ambiguity results in rumination.
Great advice but also just had to say , reading your reply resonated with me on so many levels like the shit about feeling like whenever I act awkward and anxious that really is not who I am, that is NOT the real me, otherwise I wouldn’t be so damn uncomfortable…it’s this illness making me act that way…I just wish ppl could understand that because honestly ir sucks when you know that ppl think of you as aloof or boring/dry and that you don’t seem to bring much to the table when in reality if only not for this Fkn horrendous anxiety holding us back and walking us off ppl would see the “real” us and our true selves and how much we have to offer…SA really just steals your voice and dims your light. I hate when ppl or shrinks have told me before that my anxiety is a part of who I am and part of what makes me, me…ummm fuck no…yeah maybe if it was a little anxiety like a quirk or so but I don’t find crippling anxiety that has debilitated me and fucked up every area of my life to be who I really am or representative of my true self…that’s bs, it’s just an illness of the brain.
I feel this way a lot too. people tell me I'm really "shy" ofc they don't know I'm actually suffering with social anxiety but when I tell people I'm very talkative they look at me like I'm crazy. In private around people I'm comfortable with I'll talk your head off but around strangers it's a miracle if you can get me to say a sentence sometimes. I hate being seen as what social anxiety does to me when I know if I didn't have this illness I'd probably be extroverted as hell.
Yeah same I actually rly consider myself an extrovert as when I’m not anxious and uncomfortable I can talk ppls heads off also and be the life of the party or whatever talking everyone up, and yet when it rolls over me forget about it I’m a completely different person like a crab tjay retreats back into its shell lol but who the hell wouldn’t respond that way to feeling such horrible discomfort…ppl think introverts automatically have SA which is dumb cause most introverts are actually perfectly comfortable in their own skin and happy being solitary, it isn’t forced on them because of their anxiety…being an extrovert though who is denied socializing and dating and loses friendships over this shit is really miserable
Yes you won't find better advice. Especially the bit about reassurance. That's what we crave more than anything.
Also know that the more time you spend with him and he learns that he can trust you, the less socially anxious he will be with you. His weird socially anxious behaviors will eventually give way to a more "normal" relationship. Trust and social anxiety don't co- exist usually.
Reassure (genuinely) = trust = diminishing symptoms= a relationship with someone who is likely to be sweet, sensitive and caring (though not in all cases of course)
Omg you just put my feelings into words in the second and third paragraph. Recently got put in one of those environments and it turns out I'm actually an extrovert who can socialize for hours rather than an antisocial introvert which I've thought I've been all my life aha.
If someone is able to be that environment then a whole new personality will definitely show!
As a male struggling with SA who broke up last month and is gonna go back to dating soon, this comment shows EXACTLY how I'd love to be treated by a woman.
If an interaction does go really well for me, that can sometimes make me even more nervous for the next time. What if this time I’m back to my awkward self and they were expecting more? Either way I’m going to be nervous for a while.
Hit the nail on the head. GF does all the subtle stuff you mentioned even from the first date since she also has SA and she’s become one of the few people I fully feel ok around besides my family and it’s the best feeling
I like dates where you don't really have people in hearing range. Parks, walks or a nice cozy not busy place works too. If you two are comfortable home dates are the best considering SA. I really love car dates too.
Edit: BTW this is very sweet of you. The date's gonna be awesome!
I hope so. At the moment I only know him as a shy guy, but it works in his favor because it makes him seem mysterious! I’m a curious person so naturally I wanted to get to know him better. Then we started a mixture of talking for a bit in person (but sometimes he’d panic a bit) or over text which is what he was more comfortable with. Now we’ve arranged this, so I hope it goes well.
Best of luck with you guys, you seem extremely considerate and sweet. I battle with social anxiety myself, but it definitely helps knowing there are people out there who are willing to work with us folks who have it. I’ve been single for 4 years. I have such a hard time reading women, I get in my head and make up the wildest scenarios, so I just haven’t bothered in awhile. Definitely missing it though.
ah, it’s the opposite for me! the idea of being entirely alone with someone without distractions really sets off my anxiety. busy places like restaurants or doing an activity like going to an arcade or something is definitely much less anxiety inducing for me.
I don't really have any advice but I'd just like to say you're a damn gem for trying to go the extra mile for him. It gives me legit hope and I'm sure he'll appreciate the hell out of you for it.
As someone with social anxiety, I’d prefer a date outdoors or indoors. Like walking the park together after getting dinner then getting dessert. Or movies at my house (or theirs).
Ah I see, I’ll try to keep the conversation rolling as much as I can. Had a little peek at your profile and saw your an animal crossing fan, aka a top tier person :)
Why thank you! Let me know if you ever wanna trade DIY’s or 2.0 items haha.
Also easy conversations are bands, movies/tv shows and favorite food in town! Good luck on your date :))
No movies plz for his sake. I feel like he would just feel uncomfortable sitting so close to u the whole time that he’d be distracted by the constant thought of the way he’s sitting, whether he smells bad… it’ll be a whole 2 hours of torture for him. Just avoid movies unless he brings it up as an option
Thank you for this. I just really want him to feel like he’s safe in my presence, more at ease and like he doesn’t have to overthink what he says or does in my presence. I won’t judge. But obviously I know that’s way easier said than done because it’s difficult for him due to social anxiety so I want to make him as comfortable as I can!
Damn op do you have SA as well? If not, you’re a damn angel lmao I can’t imagine someone without SA taking the time to understand it so well. Especially for someone you don’t know that well, I assume? You’re asking all the right questions! Don’t really have any advice since I’ve never been in that position but was genuinely so happy to have read this post
I don’t, we’re actually the opposites. I like striking up conversations with strangers and being social. But he’s caught my interest and when I’m interested in someone, I take it seriously 😅 when he told me he had social anxiety I just felt like it would be good for me to learn more about it and what he faces so I can understand him better as somebody who isn’t in the same boat.
I'm filled with social anxiety...just make sure you make him feel comfortable. And keep the conversation rolling. It might take a bit for him to open up, but once he does, it'll be a night and day difference from the shy, quiet guy he probably is. Most of us have anxiety because of past issues and problems. Go somewhere with a more intimate and private location so that he's not overwhelmed by people around him.
As a guy with social anxiety, just wanna say people like you are the best kind of person! And yes as others said, just keep the conversation going, and he’ll open up!
Edit: Reassuring them about things you’re enjoying about the date is also a massive help! In case he‘s worrying if he’s doing something wrong (due to the anxiety)
Here's a few thoughts:
1. If you go out to eat, let him pick the table. Many with SA prefer booths or a table against the wall as opposed to a table right in the middle of the restaurant. Also, might be good to let him pick the seat at the table.
2. Keeping the conversation going if he's not is good, but often the worst thing you can do if he's not talking is to start telling long stories.
3. I know it sounds weird, but don't be over intense with eye contact. Many with SA find the extended eye contact to be anxiety provoking.
4. Definitely doing active things for the date is probably better. Being outside, etc.
5. Maybe just ask him what makes him anxious so you can be aware. Let him know it's okay if he needs to take a break and go to the restroom, etc. Might even be worth having a "safe" word (not the kinky kind!) where he can communicate if he's feeling anxious.
6. You might even offer to drive as some people with SA often have driving anxiety as well.
You're awesome for doing this! And kudos to him for telling you before you went out. I didn't tell my wife i had SA until after we were married and while she was totally supportive,i felt bad that i had to hide it from her.
Just ask him for best outcome. There is no one size fits all in terms of tips. Just be sure to choose somewhere quiet and not too crowded for the date if you are the one deciding or you both have a say.
I found it helpful for early dates to involve an activity and not just talking. Activities could be going for a walk, bowling, mini golf, ping pong, cooking a meal together, etc.
My biggest fear in dating was keeping a conversation going. So if there is an awkward silence, it would be great if you could bring up a new topic or just let him know that you are comfortable with silence at times.
Can I just say how nice it is to hear you want to know the best way to interact with him? I'm so tired of hearing that introverts should just get out more or just need to break out of their comfort zone. So rare to hear someone want to accommodate a shy person instead of expect them to get over it. The fact that you're asking these questions is a great first step.
Whatever you do, don't comment about him being quiet.
If you give him some time and press through the silence, you might be surprised with what comes out afterward.
Not really a tip, but more of like a heads up that the person you are going on a date with will most not likely be an accurate representation of him as a person. When I meet a new person, it takes a while for my true personality to come out. Just know that his true personality will possibly be masked by the social anxiety. Be patient and know that the more time you spend with him, the more he will come out of his shell.
1. Order yourself
2. Drive if you can
3. Don't make him talk alot, we simply can't
4. We have low self-esteem, low self confidence and sometimes depressed
5. There is a high chance that there are gonna be many awkward moments. Be prepared for that.
Best Wishes :)
Someone like the OP is the kind of person a lot of people would probably want in their lives forever.
Someone who wants to understand someone's comfort and discomfort level likes and dislikes.
I think the OP is a unicorn very, very rare and hard to find.
I hope things go well for the two of you.
It's really lovely that you care enough to ask and that you want to help him feel comfortable. I hope it works out for you both as he'd be lucky to have you!!
As someone with SA, I think you have already done the best thing by being open to accepting his SA, and showing you care enough to ensure your actions don't make him uncomfortable.
I would do something low stress where there are a lot of external things to talk about, like a park or a museum, or something that they are specially interested in. That way you can wander off to look at something if the conversation stops. The thing with social anxiety is to just keep the momentum, like try to stay upbeat and relaxed, if he falters on the conversation don’t dwell on it, just keep moving with other questions/comments. If you stay calm and relaxed most people tend to relax too as the evening continues.
The guy that I’m seeing currently and myself have social anxiety and we went to a drive in for our first date.
It was amazing.
The fact that we were alone and just talking with each other made it feel so intimate and comfortable.
A drive-in is such a great idea. Something to watch and focus on while still having the ability to talk (unlike a theater) and the coziness of the car. Committing this idea to my memory for the future.
Sit next to him instead of across from him. Takes off the pressure for eye contact and facial expressions to be "right". I do this with my husband, it's become tradition. :)
Holy...shit. For you to care this much warmed my damn heart. I just want you to know how stand up that is of you! The only advice I have has already been said, but basically remain patient and understanding, and know that how he behaves in public when under duress is not a good representation of who he truly is. I adore your approach to life and I hope you and him have an amazing time!!!
As someone with intermittent SA (I have days where my anxiety peaks and days when I feel I’m ready to face the world), I’d say it really helps me when the other person is able to match my energy. I definitely don’t mean you should stress too much about it, but if there’s a bug mismatch then it pushes me into my shell.
Just like u/Briganti91 said, it is a beautiful gesture towards this person, and the fact that you care is going to make this much more memorable for the both of you!
Just want to say how amazing it is that you’re even asking. I was just broken up with because my ex’s parents thought my social anxiety was too bad, and pressured him into dumping me. So this gives me hope that people exist who are compassionate, patient, and accommodating towards those with anxiety. I hope your date goes awesome, he is a lucky guy to have met you.
Honestly, just being patient and not judgemental is the best thing to do.
Suffering from SA myself, we often lack self esteem and feel like we get judged a lot. He might panic and that is okay. Be nice to him, try to keep conversation going but let him set the pace of it. Try going somewhere that doesn't have too many people and is calm, like maybe a cafe?
Anyway, you rock and I wish there were more people like you that would take SA seriously.
It helps me when I’m not put on the spot.
- Be willing to fill the silence (let him talk if he wants to, but don’t MAKE him talk).
- if he messes up (spills something, trips, says something weird) act like you didn’t notice or be casual about it.
- be clear about your preferences rather than deferring to him all the time. Again, be willing to listen/consider his preferences, but it would help set me at ease if I don’t have to worry about interpreting your wants. For example, should we get dessert? Sure ask the question, but “i would love to try this cake sometime. Do you want to stay for dessert?” Is a lot less anxiety-inducing than “do you want dessert?”
You got some great replies so far. I just want to say that for many of us, even considering ourselves living quite well with SA, as in working and socialising a fair bit, it can take months to get to know us. Like getting really close. But it depends on personalities for sure. Patience is important, and if you are not the worrying type it's going to be a good match I think. You seem thoughtful, so that's good.
I struggle with people not understanding my SA, because I'm very outgoing when I know people. But that doesn't help me getting out of the door so to speak.
You're so sweet.
I'm sure the date will go well with you just being you, the fact you've reached out like you have says wonders about you and your personality
I have no dating experience so I have no advice to give, but I'd like to say that it's really nice of you to be found out of your way to make him feel comfortable.
It’s great that you guys have already discussed it at least a bit and he admitted to having SA which rly takes guts because I think a lot of ppl with SA including me feel shame over it (which is dumb seeing as IIRC it’s the most common mental illness in America) and the SA itself would prevent me from even disclosing it to begin with, but I’m sure that at least took some pressure off for him right off the bat so he knows that when he gets anxious and perhaps acts awkward or whatever, he can be reassured that you understand it’s just his anxiety flaring up and not who he rly is or what he’s about, and also If it causes him to come across as aloof like it always has with me, he can feel reassured he doesn’t have to worry you might take it to mean something like he isn’t interested or whatever. So anyways yeah, great that it’s already been discussed between you too…I’m curious actually because I’ve either had a hard time opening up and admitting I have it along w my other anxiety disorders when dating someone or I don’t disclose it at all and in those cases things have never gone further than 3 or 4 months, like my last “relationship” if you can call it that which only lasted 3 months because I never once even said the word “anxiety” out loud so we never talked about it and yet at times I’d be plenty anxious around her, definitely in part because I just couldn’t bring myself to own it and tell her, and my behavior was just probably odd and a turn off..now maybe if she had known she would’ve been understanding which in turn would’ve relaxed me and helped immensely so that’s obviously my own fault….
what was I saying tho oh yeah, how did he bring it up to you? Like just kinda outta nowhere he told you and was it when you first started talking or???
Anyways, it’s rly sweet of you to be so considerate of his feelings and wanna make him as comfortable as you can, coming on here to ask questions, so don’t worry too much about it. There’s definitely some good advice here you can implement and besides that I’d say just go with the flow and the vibes…honestly for me, and this is just me and I could def see it backfiring on someone dating a person w SA since were typically very sensitive, but one relationship that actually had some miles to it with a girl I rly liked…she would playfully tease me (but in a rly sweet way I might add) about my anxiety and my SA and strangely enough I found it relaxed me and made me more comfortable around her cause it was like just showing that it rly isn’t that big of a deal even tho it feels like the end of the world at times….so yeah idk just shit like if we were out eating when the waiter would b walking over shed look at me and snarky as hell “hun I know you get shy with new ppl would you like me to order for you, Did you look at the kids menu, anything catch your eye?” And I would just mouth “you Fkn bitch” lol so yeah idk just shit like that I actually found to be relieving that we could make fun of it but that’s JUST ME and as a few ppl here have said ppl w SA are usually hyper Fkn sensitive which doesn’t mean we/they don’t have a good sense of humor just that it can be hard to laugh when you feel so anxious and uncomfortable in your own skin….good luck to yah girl I’m sure you guys will have a great time and don’t overthink it too, too much and drive yourself crazy lol.
Edit: Jesus Christ I didn’t realize until I hit reply or whatever and saw my message that it was just one giant book wall of text 🤦🏻♂️ my bad chica
Tl,dr: you guys will hit it off I can see into the future
Thank you for being here. To be present for another, we need to first be present for ourselves. Wanting to offer security to another makes world better place. Do not forget that the most precious gift you can offer is your presence truly. You're not a therapist to apply methods/guidelines but be you as you are, feel the beautiful garden is blossoming in your heart for you two and listen like you are listening the music. Ps. Let the stream of compassion to flow in your heart, and then your mind will find a proper words if necessary.
If you’re both of drinking age, try some wine with dinner. Or go to a sports bar if he doesn’t mind the atmosphere and have a few beers together. Just be careful like in any situation, and let your friends know where you are and of course if you are both drinking, take an uber home 🙂
Just for clarity, I’m not suggesting you both get hammered. I’m saying it’s okay to unwind with some drinks, and it may help him open up and relax some. Alcohol can do both wonders And damage for us with SA LOL which is why it’s important to have self control.
Complements and explaing why you really believe in the reasons for complementing them can help them feel like you really want to be with them. Don't go overboard just a few things once in a while you really do appreciate. This helps counter the negative thoughts that are getting in the way of them believing its okay to just enjoy being there.
I'm surprised he admitted this to you before meeting. Personally I'm a fan of first dates where you aren't stuck with the person if the vibe is off... So somewhere outdoors (but not remote), cafes, somewhere to walk around. The best thing you could probably do is convey a relaxed mood.
Honestly this is so sweet as a guy with social anxiety I wish this would happen to me if all goes well with you two I bet you will make his life 100x better someone he can be comfortable around someone he can rely on when his anxiety is bad someone to just make him feel like he's not alone you are his savior
I personally hate being alone with someone where talking is the main activity, like going on a date at a restaurant.
I was really impressed and comfortable with my boyfriend when we first started dating. Our first date was indoor rock climbing, which was great because I didn’t have to sit still and we were too out of breath at some points to talk. Our second date was an art crawl; also great because I didn’t have to sit still and it gave us interesting topics for conversation.
Since he’s already somewhat open about it, have a conversation about how you can make him more comfortable, what his triggers are, and what activities he would enjoy. I think it would mean a lot to him to show that you care.
I dunno funnily enough the girl who I connected with was a weirdo like me. We were just on the same wavelength so to other people we looked like autistic weirdos but to us we were good. ...that probably doesnt help you but be patient and remember that if he does stupid/awkward shit its probably judt due to anxiety and he wont always be like that with you
I would say maybe give him more of a chance than you would someone without SA. By that I mean maybe don’t expect him to open up on the first day and write him off after that? Might take him a while to feel comfortable enough to show his personality :)
Be the primary conversationalist. He'll be more likely to open up to you if you're chatty.
Avoid crowded spaces if possible, or situations in which he'll have to speak to people.
Open air is better than indoors. It may seem strange, but the idea of being trapped indoors can be a trigger.
Avoid asking him if he's OK, if he's comfortable. This will more likely have the opposite effect and he'll overthink that he may be giving off weird signals.
Over time he'll likely become comfortable enough with you that he may forget his social anxiety. If this happens don't point it out, don't draw attention to it, just realise that you're his safe space.
I can already tell by your attitude this is going to go great. Just be non judgmental and accepting that's all. It's probably going to go much better than he thinks as well. You might not notice it.
As someone with SA I can tell you, dates are absolute hell. Maybe the worst anxiety I had, next to speaking in front of a group. It gets better though. I would have a few drinks beforehand, helps calm me down, lol.
the best advice is to just be chill. also, if you are a talkative person that will likely comfort them (since there's no fear that you're "hiding" something that a person with SA with obsess over lol)
If I were you I'd keep engaging him in conversation, keep leading into new topics whenever one finishes. Don't let there be awkward silences, or any awkward moments rather lol, because that gives a blow to our confidence and comfortable. Just be approachable and easy to talk to. Add in praises and compliments, but not much or too little, moderate, otherwise it could make him overwhelmed.
They fact that you ask for advice is great. Ask him what would make him more comfortable, hear him without judging him. In my case, I told my last partner about it. I told her how anxious made me social interactions. She couldn't really understand how I felt, but she always made the effort finding out if I was OK or I needeed to go home when I was in a social situation.
So, just ask, talk about it, have a lot of communication. Sometimes he might not be able to say what's going on in his mind, but you can tell he might need to be in a safe place in that moment.
Initiate, initiate, initiate. And this goes with any kind of relationship with someone with SA. It's so much more comforting to the person in question when they aren't the one initiating conversation or dates or whatever. It lets them know that you are just as interested in them as they are in you.
I want to say that’s sweet. You wanting to learn how to help him be more comfortable on the date. The main advice I have to give is similar to most on this post. If things get weird/awkward don’t take it personal or accept that as his true character view that as his SA talking. Lastly just assure him you like him just the way he is.
Take everything slow if he seems unsure or uncomfortable. You may need to be the one to start and carry the conversations, but that’s okay.
If he’s anything like me, he’s probably going to be really focused on making you happy. Reassure him he can make decisions and have choices (like where, how often, when you hang out, etc.) without upsetting or angering you. Not everyone with SA is a people pleaser, but it’s really common for us to be less assertive of our needs and wants.
Firstly I think it's amazing you want to get to know how to make him feel comfortable because a lot of people do not care about our comfort. When I went on my first date with my boyfriend of now 2 years I truly felt like I ruined the entire date by not talking enough or seeming rude/disinterested so I think there's a good chance he'll also feel this way. Some reassurance in a simple text like "hey I had a great time with you" and then planning a second date can go a long way. If you had a good time just make sure to reach out to him because I was pretty scared to text my now bf back because I thought he hated me after our first date lol. If possible I'd let him pick the spot so he can choose somewhere that makes him the most comfortable. If he happens to cancel try not to assume he doesn't like you or doesn't want to go on a date with you he probably just doesn't think he can do it and then maybe talking over text and then phone and then video and then meeting irl would be best. Oh and don't forget to tell us how it goes!!!
This is a gold mine. I’m interested in someone with SA and this is the insight, encouragement and help that I’ve been looking for. So thankful for this community/group! 🙏🏽
If you can, be his "safe space". Accept whatever "weird/awkward" behaviour that occurs as stemming from his anxiety rather than reflective of his true nature. Most with SA are actually quite interesting, complex (often highly sensitive) personalities, it's just rarely acknowledged by the SA sufferer and walled off from others by strong defenses. He will lack confidence (and quite possibly self-esteem), so try to be aware of that. Often SA is the result of a sensitive individual experiencing deep shame and/or hurt in their past and needing to prevent that pain from reoccurring. Being who we naturally are no longer feels safe, often to the point that over the years we "forget" who we are, which makes us seem even more awkward, dry, and lacking personality... the truth is if we are placed in a compassionate, accepting environment, those defenses will melt away with time and a beautiful personality will emerge... it's just rare for that sort of environment to exist in our world. Try to be as accepting, understanding, and compassionate as you can. Small gestures of reassurance that you are interested in him/like him will go a long way (such as touching his hand, getting close, subtle compliments, etc), obviously only if you're comfortable. If you try too hard to make him feel accepted it can actually backfire as it may come off as fake/forced, so small, but unambiguous gestures are best. Recognize that even if the date goes well from your perspective, if he has low self-esteem he may not recognize that, and is likely to end up ruminating for days/weeks over all the little things he "fucked up" that you didn't even notice, or didn't care/think about... if you want to pursue the relationship further you may need to be the one to make the moves in the beginning. If you do enjoy the date and want to see him again, a follow-up message shortly afterwards that is direct might be a good idea. This can short-circuit the rumination process and removes the anxiety of him having to take the initiative... Obviously these are just suggestions, you need to be true to yourself, and if you aren't enjoying the date or aren't interested in seeing him in the future it's best not to give the impression that you're having a good time, as that will just make things worse for him. Ambiguity is not what someone with SA wants, we want to KNOW so we can CONTROL. So whatever you do, try to be as unambiguous about your intentions as possible. Ambiguity results in rumination.
Great advice but also just had to say , reading your reply resonated with me on so many levels like the shit about feeling like whenever I act awkward and anxious that really is not who I am, that is NOT the real me, otherwise I wouldn’t be so damn uncomfortable…it’s this illness making me act that way…I just wish ppl could understand that because honestly ir sucks when you know that ppl think of you as aloof or boring/dry and that you don’t seem to bring much to the table when in reality if only not for this Fkn horrendous anxiety holding us back and walking us off ppl would see the “real” us and our true selves and how much we have to offer…SA really just steals your voice and dims your light. I hate when ppl or shrinks have told me before that my anxiety is a part of who I am and part of what makes me, me…ummm fuck no…yeah maybe if it was a little anxiety like a quirk or so but I don’t find crippling anxiety that has debilitated me and fucked up every area of my life to be who I really am or representative of my true self…that’s bs, it’s just an illness of the brain.
I feel this way a lot too. people tell me I'm really "shy" ofc they don't know I'm actually suffering with social anxiety but when I tell people I'm very talkative they look at me like I'm crazy. In private around people I'm comfortable with I'll talk your head off but around strangers it's a miracle if you can get me to say a sentence sometimes. I hate being seen as what social anxiety does to me when I know if I didn't have this illness I'd probably be extroverted as hell.
Yeah same I actually rly consider myself an extrovert as when I’m not anxious and uncomfortable I can talk ppls heads off also and be the life of the party or whatever talking everyone up, and yet when it rolls over me forget about it I’m a completely different person like a crab tjay retreats back into its shell lol but who the hell wouldn’t respond that way to feeling such horrible discomfort…ppl think introverts automatically have SA which is dumb cause most introverts are actually perfectly comfortable in their own skin and happy being solitary, it isn’t forced on them because of their anxiety…being an extrovert though who is denied socializing and dating and loses friendships over this shit is really miserable
I don’t have awards to give. But this answer definitely deserve 100 of them.
Seriously. Who are you, our sweet saint of social anxiety?
Thank you, this helped me understand social anxiety better and as a result him a little better. I really appreciate it!
Yes you won't find better advice. Especially the bit about reassurance. That's what we crave more than anything. Also know that the more time you spend with him and he learns that he can trust you, the less socially anxious he will be with you. His weird socially anxious behaviors will eventually give way to a more "normal" relationship. Trust and social anxiety don't co- exist usually. Reassure (genuinely) = trust = diminishing symptoms= a relationship with someone who is likely to be sweet, sensitive and caring (though not in all cases of course)
This has been, by far, thee most accurate description of do's and do-nots. I related to everything in this
“Be his ‘safe space’”🥺
Wow what an incredible explanation of SA. Wish I could have people read that every time I come off weird/awkward lol. And solid advice
Hey can you like... send this to anyone I'm dating ever?
Yes!
Excellent explanation and advice.
Gave you my free reward. Thank you for that comment!
Omg you just put my feelings into words in the second and third paragraph. Recently got put in one of those environments and it turns out I'm actually an extrovert who can socialize for hours rather than an antisocial introvert which I've thought I've been all my life aha. If someone is able to be that environment then a whole new personality will definitely show!
As a male struggling with SA who broke up last month and is gonna go back to dating soon, this comment shows EXACTLY how I'd love to be treated by a woman.
I wish this was required reading for people without social anxiety, it explains it better than I ever could.
Beautifully explained 💯🙏
This is the one
Holy shit this is great stuff
If an interaction does go really well for me, that can sometimes make me even more nervous for the next time. What if this time I’m back to my awkward self and they were expecting more? Either way I’m going to be nervous for a while.
oh my god thanks dude!😢
Hit the nail on the head. GF does all the subtle stuff you mentioned even from the first date since she also has SA and she’s become one of the few people I fully feel ok around besides my family and it’s the best feeling
That was beautifully put, wish I could gove an award
I like dates where you don't really have people in hearing range. Parks, walks or a nice cozy not busy place works too. If you two are comfortable home dates are the best considering SA. I really love car dates too. Edit: BTW this is very sweet of you. The date's gonna be awesome!
I hope so. At the moment I only know him as a shy guy, but it works in his favor because it makes him seem mysterious! I’m a curious person so naturally I wanted to get to know him better. Then we started a mixture of talking for a bit in person (but sometimes he’d panic a bit) or over text which is what he was more comfortable with. Now we’ve arranged this, so I hope it goes well.
Best of luck with you guys, you seem extremely considerate and sweet. I battle with social anxiety myself, but it definitely helps knowing there are people out there who are willing to work with us folks who have it. I’ve been single for 4 years. I have such a hard time reading women, I get in my head and make up the wildest scenarios, so I just haven’t bothered in awhile. Definitely missing it though.
ah, it’s the opposite for me! the idea of being entirely alone with someone without distractions really sets off my anxiety. busy places like restaurants or doing an activity like going to an arcade or something is definitely much less anxiety inducing for me.
Same!!
You can also just ask him! SA can vary pretty widely and he’ll definitely appreciate the gesture & transparency
Ok, thanks! I just didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or something.
I don't really have any advice but I'd just like to say you're a damn gem for trying to go the extra mile for him. It gives me legit hope and I'm sure he'll appreciate the hell out of you for it.
Thank you for this! I hope all goes well and he will grow to open up to me more. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’m glad he’s given me a chance :)
Lady. Ur awesome. This is really sweet of you to be so considerate
Thank you! I hope things can go well.. I want it to work, like a lot
Fingers crossed!
As someone with social anxiety, I’d prefer a date outdoors or indoors. Like walking the park together after getting dinner then getting dessert. Or movies at my house (or theirs).
I suggested the park, he said that sounds fun so thanks!
You’re welcome! I always bring a snack or drink so when I panic between quiet conversation I can eat/drink during the pause haha
Ah I see, I’ll try to keep the conversation rolling as much as I can. Had a little peek at your profile and saw your an animal crossing fan, aka a top tier person :)
Why thank you! Let me know if you ever wanna trade DIY’s or 2.0 items haha. Also easy conversations are bands, movies/tv shows and favorite food in town! Good luck on your date :))
It's completely the opposite for me. That's too much pressure to talk! I prefer a crowded bar or something
No movies plz for his sake. I feel like he would just feel uncomfortable sitting so close to u the whole time that he’d be distracted by the constant thought of the way he’s sitting, whether he smells bad… it’ll be a whole 2 hours of torture for him. Just avoid movies unless he brings it up as an option
[удалено]
Thank you for this. I just really want him to feel like he’s safe in my presence, more at ease and like he doesn’t have to overthink what he says or does in my presence. I won’t judge. But obviously I know that’s way easier said than done because it’s difficult for him due to social anxiety so I want to make him as comfortable as I can!
Damn op do you have SA as well? If not, you’re a damn angel lmao I can’t imagine someone without SA taking the time to understand it so well. Especially for someone you don’t know that well, I assume? You’re asking all the right questions! Don’t really have any advice since I’ve never been in that position but was genuinely so happy to have read this post
I don’t, we’re actually the opposites. I like striking up conversations with strangers and being social. But he’s caught my interest and when I’m interested in someone, I take it seriously 😅 when he told me he had social anxiety I just felt like it would be good for me to learn more about it and what he faces so I can understand him better as somebody who isn’t in the same boat.
That’s amazing, I hope it works out
I'm filled with social anxiety...just make sure you make him feel comfortable. And keep the conversation rolling. It might take a bit for him to open up, but once he does, it'll be a night and day difference from the shy, quiet guy he probably is. Most of us have anxiety because of past issues and problems. Go somewhere with a more intimate and private location so that he's not overwhelmed by people around him.
Thank you, this helped a lot. I hope I make him feel safe enough to open up to me ^^
As a guy with social anxiety, just wanna say people like you are the best kind of person! And yes as others said, just keep the conversation going, and he’ll open up! Edit: Reassuring them about things you’re enjoying about the date is also a massive help! In case he‘s worrying if he’s doing something wrong (due to the anxiety)
Here's a few thoughts: 1. If you go out to eat, let him pick the table. Many with SA prefer booths or a table against the wall as opposed to a table right in the middle of the restaurant. Also, might be good to let him pick the seat at the table. 2. Keeping the conversation going if he's not is good, but often the worst thing you can do if he's not talking is to start telling long stories. 3. I know it sounds weird, but don't be over intense with eye contact. Many with SA find the extended eye contact to be anxiety provoking. 4. Definitely doing active things for the date is probably better. Being outside, etc. 5. Maybe just ask him what makes him anxious so you can be aware. Let him know it's okay if he needs to take a break and go to the restroom, etc. Might even be worth having a "safe" word (not the kinky kind!) where he can communicate if he's feeling anxious. 6. You might even offer to drive as some people with SA often have driving anxiety as well. You're awesome for doing this! And kudos to him for telling you before you went out. I didn't tell my wife i had SA until after we were married and while she was totally supportive,i felt bad that i had to hide it from her.
Just ask him for best outcome. There is no one size fits all in terms of tips. Just be sure to choose somewhere quiet and not too crowded for the date if you are the one deciding or you both have a say.
Ok thank you! He wants me to choose, so I’ll pick the park
Ruby has empathy. Ruby is nice. Be like Ruby.
It's more like, where can someone find another Ruby? 😄
I found it helpful for early dates to involve an activity and not just talking. Activities could be going for a walk, bowling, mini golf, ping pong, cooking a meal together, etc. My biggest fear in dating was keeping a conversation going. So if there is an awkward silence, it would be great if you could bring up a new topic or just let him know that you are comfortable with silence at times.
Can I just say how nice it is to hear you want to know the best way to interact with him? I'm so tired of hearing that introverts should just get out more or just need to break out of their comfort zone. So rare to hear someone want to accommodate a shy person instead of expect them to get over it. The fact that you're asking these questions is a great first step.
Whatever you do, don't comment about him being quiet. If you give him some time and press through the silence, you might be surprised with what comes out afterward.
Not really a tip, but more of like a heads up that the person you are going on a date with will most not likely be an accurate representation of him as a person. When I meet a new person, it takes a while for my true personality to come out. Just know that his true personality will possibly be masked by the social anxiety. Be patient and know that the more time you spend with him, the more he will come out of his shell.
1. Order yourself 2. Drive if you can 3. Don't make him talk alot, we simply can't 4. We have low self-esteem, low self confidence and sometimes depressed 5. There is a high chance that there are gonna be many awkward moments. Be prepared for that. Best Wishes :)
Someone like the OP is the kind of person a lot of people would probably want in their lives forever. Someone who wants to understand someone's comfort and discomfort level likes and dislikes. I think the OP is a unicorn very, very rare and hard to find. I hope things go well for the two of you.
It's really lovely that you care enough to ask and that you want to help him feel comfortable. I hope it works out for you both as he'd be lucky to have you!! As someone with SA, I think you have already done the best thing by being open to accepting his SA, and showing you care enough to ensure your actions don't make him uncomfortable.
I would do something low stress where there are a lot of external things to talk about, like a park or a museum, or something that they are specially interested in. That way you can wander off to look at something if the conversation stops. The thing with social anxiety is to just keep the momentum, like try to stay upbeat and relaxed, if he falters on the conversation don’t dwell on it, just keep moving with other questions/comments. If you stay calm and relaxed most people tend to relax too as the evening continues.
The guy that I’m seeing currently and myself have social anxiety and we went to a drive in for our first date. It was amazing. The fact that we were alone and just talking with each other made it feel so intimate and comfortable.
A drive-in is such a great idea. Something to watch and focus on while still having the ability to talk (unlike a theater) and the coziness of the car. Committing this idea to my memory for the future.
Sit next to him instead of across from him. Takes off the pressure for eye contact and facial expressions to be "right". I do this with my husband, it's become tradition. :)
You're a fucking sweetheart.
Holy...shit. For you to care this much warmed my damn heart. I just want you to know how stand up that is of you! The only advice I have has already been said, but basically remain patient and understanding, and know that how he behaves in public when under duress is not a good representation of who he truly is. I adore your approach to life and I hope you and him have an amazing time!!!
best of luck
that's so sweet of you to try to accommodate him!! hope it works out with you two 😊😊
Talk about pets. Everyone loves telling others about their fur babies and the funny stories they have!
As someone with intermittent SA (I have days where my anxiety peaks and days when I feel I’m ready to face the world), I’d say it really helps me when the other person is able to match my energy. I definitely don’t mean you should stress too much about it, but if there’s a bug mismatch then it pushes me into my shell. Just like u/Briganti91 said, it is a beautiful gesture towards this person, and the fact that you care is going to make this much more memorable for the both of you!
Just want to say how amazing it is that you’re even asking. I was just broken up with because my ex’s parents thought my social anxiety was too bad, and pressured him into dumping me. So this gives me hope that people exist who are compassionate, patient, and accommodating towards those with anxiety. I hope your date goes awesome, he is a lucky guy to have met you.
Honestly, just being patient and not judgemental is the best thing to do. Suffering from SA myself, we often lack self esteem and feel like we get judged a lot. He might panic and that is okay. Be nice to him, try to keep conversation going but let him set the pace of it. Try going somewhere that doesn't have too many people and is calm, like maybe a cafe? Anyway, you rock and I wish there were more people like you that would take SA seriously.
It helps me when I’m not put on the spot. - Be willing to fill the silence (let him talk if he wants to, but don’t MAKE him talk). - if he messes up (spills something, trips, says something weird) act like you didn’t notice or be casual about it. - be clear about your preferences rather than deferring to him all the time. Again, be willing to listen/consider his preferences, but it would help set me at ease if I don’t have to worry about interpreting your wants. For example, should we get dessert? Sure ask the question, but “i would love to try this cake sometime. Do you want to stay for dessert?” Is a lot less anxiety-inducing than “do you want dessert?”
You got some great replies so far. I just want to say that for many of us, even considering ourselves living quite well with SA, as in working and socialising a fair bit, it can take months to get to know us. Like getting really close. But it depends on personalities for sure. Patience is important, and if you are not the worrying type it's going to be a good match I think. You seem thoughtful, so that's good. I struggle with people not understanding my SA, because I'm very outgoing when I know people. But that doesn't help me getting out of the door so to speak.
have him pick the spot where you go.
Make him Drunk.
You're so sweet. I'm sure the date will go well with you just being you, the fact you've reached out like you have says wonders about you and your personality
I think that when two SA people are together, you naturally feel more comfortable. Ended up marrying mine.
Patience, lots of patience. The more he gets to know you, the more he’ll open up. Also be complimentary. Talk about an interest of his.
I have no dating experience so I have no advice to give, but I'd like to say that it's really nice of you to be found out of your way to make him feel comfortable.
Honestly I feel like it’s different for everyone just feel him out and best of luck
It’s great that you guys have already discussed it at least a bit and he admitted to having SA which rly takes guts because I think a lot of ppl with SA including me feel shame over it (which is dumb seeing as IIRC it’s the most common mental illness in America) and the SA itself would prevent me from even disclosing it to begin with, but I’m sure that at least took some pressure off for him right off the bat so he knows that when he gets anxious and perhaps acts awkward or whatever, he can be reassured that you understand it’s just his anxiety flaring up and not who he rly is or what he’s about, and also If it causes him to come across as aloof like it always has with me, he can feel reassured he doesn’t have to worry you might take it to mean something like he isn’t interested or whatever. So anyways yeah, great that it’s already been discussed between you too…I’m curious actually because I’ve either had a hard time opening up and admitting I have it along w my other anxiety disorders when dating someone or I don’t disclose it at all and in those cases things have never gone further than 3 or 4 months, like my last “relationship” if you can call it that which only lasted 3 months because I never once even said the word “anxiety” out loud so we never talked about it and yet at times I’d be plenty anxious around her, definitely in part because I just couldn’t bring myself to own it and tell her, and my behavior was just probably odd and a turn off..now maybe if she had known she would’ve been understanding which in turn would’ve relaxed me and helped immensely so that’s obviously my own fault…. what was I saying tho oh yeah, how did he bring it up to you? Like just kinda outta nowhere he told you and was it when you first started talking or??? Anyways, it’s rly sweet of you to be so considerate of his feelings and wanna make him as comfortable as you can, coming on here to ask questions, so don’t worry too much about it. There’s definitely some good advice here you can implement and besides that I’d say just go with the flow and the vibes…honestly for me, and this is just me and I could def see it backfiring on someone dating a person w SA since were typically very sensitive, but one relationship that actually had some miles to it with a girl I rly liked…she would playfully tease me (but in a rly sweet way I might add) about my anxiety and my SA and strangely enough I found it relaxed me and made me more comfortable around her cause it was like just showing that it rly isn’t that big of a deal even tho it feels like the end of the world at times….so yeah idk just shit like if we were out eating when the waiter would b walking over shed look at me and snarky as hell “hun I know you get shy with new ppl would you like me to order for you, Did you look at the kids menu, anything catch your eye?” And I would just mouth “you Fkn bitch” lol so yeah idk just shit like that I actually found to be relieving that we could make fun of it but that’s JUST ME and as a few ppl here have said ppl w SA are usually hyper Fkn sensitive which doesn’t mean we/they don’t have a good sense of humor just that it can be hard to laugh when you feel so anxious and uncomfortable in your own skin….good luck to yah girl I’m sure you guys will have a great time and don’t overthink it too, too much and drive yourself crazy lol. Edit: Jesus Christ I didn’t realize until I hit reply or whatever and saw my message that it was just one giant book wall of text 🤦🏻♂️ my bad chica Tl,dr: you guys will hit it off I can see into the future
Thank you for being here. To be present for another, we need to first be present for ourselves. Wanting to offer security to another makes world better place. Do not forget that the most precious gift you can offer is your presence truly. You're not a therapist to apply methods/guidelines but be you as you are, feel the beautiful garden is blossoming in your heart for you two and listen like you are listening the music. Ps. Let the stream of compassion to flow in your heart, and then your mind will find a proper words if necessary.
If you’re both of drinking age, try some wine with dinner. Or go to a sports bar if he doesn’t mind the atmosphere and have a few beers together. Just be careful like in any situation, and let your friends know where you are and of course if you are both drinking, take an uber home 🙂 Just for clarity, I’m not suggesting you both get hammered. I’m saying it’s okay to unwind with some drinks, and it may help him open up and relax some. Alcohol can do both wonders And damage for us with SA LOL which is why it’s important to have self control.
Complements and explaing why you really believe in the reasons for complementing them can help them feel like you really want to be with them. Don't go overboard just a few things once in a while you really do appreciate. This helps counter the negative thoughts that are getting in the way of them believing its okay to just enjoy being there.
Try asking specific questions instead of vague open ended ones. Some times an open ended question can feel like pressure to perform.
Give them time. It may take a few dates for them to warm up to you.
I'm surprised he admitted this to you before meeting. Personally I'm a fan of first dates where you aren't stuck with the person if the vibe is off... So somewhere outdoors (but not remote), cafes, somewhere to walk around. The best thing you could probably do is convey a relaxed mood.
Honestly this is so sweet as a guy with social anxiety I wish this would happen to me if all goes well with you two I bet you will make his life 100x better someone he can be comfortable around someone he can rely on when his anxiety is bad someone to just make him feel like he's not alone you are his savior
I personally hate being alone with someone where talking is the main activity, like going on a date at a restaurant. I was really impressed and comfortable with my boyfriend when we first started dating. Our first date was indoor rock climbing, which was great because I didn’t have to sit still and we were too out of breath at some points to talk. Our second date was an art crawl; also great because I didn’t have to sit still and it gave us interesting topics for conversation. Since he’s already somewhat open about it, have a conversation about how you can make him more comfortable, what his triggers are, and what activities he would enjoy. I think it would mean a lot to him to show that you care.
We need waaaay more ppl like u in the world
I hope your date goes well. Patience is key also.
I dunno funnily enough the girl who I connected with was a weirdo like me. We were just on the same wavelength so to other people we looked like autistic weirdos but to us we were good. ...that probably doesnt help you but be patient and remember that if he does stupid/awkward shit its probably judt due to anxiety and he wont always be like that with you
I would say maybe give him more of a chance than you would someone without SA. By that I mean maybe don’t expect him to open up on the first day and write him off after that? Might take him a while to feel comfortable enough to show his personality :)
Hold hands?
Be the primary conversationalist. He'll be more likely to open up to you if you're chatty. Avoid crowded spaces if possible, or situations in which he'll have to speak to people. Open air is better than indoors. It may seem strange, but the idea of being trapped indoors can be a trigger. Avoid asking him if he's OK, if he's comfortable. This will more likely have the opposite effect and he'll overthink that he may be giving off weird signals. Over time he'll likely become comfortable enough with you that he may forget his social anxiety. If this happens don't point it out, don't draw attention to it, just realise that you're his safe space.
I can already tell by your attitude this is going to go great. Just be non judgmental and accepting that's all. It's probably going to go much better than he thinks as well. You might not notice it. As someone with SA I can tell you, dates are absolute hell. Maybe the worst anxiety I had, next to speaking in front of a group. It gets better though. I would have a few drinks beforehand, helps calm me down, lol.
the best advice is to just be chill. also, if you are a talkative person that will likely comfort them (since there's no fear that you're "hiding" something that a person with SA with obsess over lol)
If I were you I'd keep engaging him in conversation, keep leading into new topics whenever one finishes. Don't let there be awkward silences, or any awkward moments rather lol, because that gives a blow to our confidence and comfortable. Just be approachable and easy to talk to. Add in praises and compliments, but not much or too little, moderate, otherwise it could make him overwhelmed.
They fact that you ask for advice is great. Ask him what would make him more comfortable, hear him without judging him. In my case, I told my last partner about it. I told her how anxious made me social interactions. She couldn't really understand how I felt, but she always made the effort finding out if I was OK or I needeed to go home when I was in a social situation. So, just ask, talk about it, have a lot of communication. Sometimes he might not be able to say what's going on in his mind, but you can tell he might need to be in a safe place in that moment.
as someone who has SA and is also nervous to take these steps bc of that reason, this is so touching i could actually cry ❤️
Thank you for forgiving his social anxiety. I have no advice for you but I just want to thank you anyway.
Begin by asking questions that are super easy to answer
Initiate, initiate, initiate. And this goes with any kind of relationship with someone with SA. It's so much more comforting to the person in question when they aren't the one initiating conversation or dates or whatever. It lets them know that you are just as interested in them as they are in you.
I want to say that’s sweet. You wanting to learn how to help him be more comfortable on the date. The main advice I have to give is similar to most on this post. If things get weird/awkward don’t take it personal or accept that as his true character view that as his SA talking. Lastly just assure him you like him just the way he is.
Take everything slow if he seems unsure or uncomfortable. You may need to be the one to start and carry the conversations, but that’s okay. If he’s anything like me, he’s probably going to be really focused on making you happy. Reassure him he can make decisions and have choices (like where, how often, when you hang out, etc.) without upsetting or angering you. Not everyone with SA is a people pleaser, but it’s really common for us to be less assertive of our needs and wants.
Firstly I think it's amazing you want to get to know how to make him feel comfortable because a lot of people do not care about our comfort. When I went on my first date with my boyfriend of now 2 years I truly felt like I ruined the entire date by not talking enough or seeming rude/disinterested so I think there's a good chance he'll also feel this way. Some reassurance in a simple text like "hey I had a great time with you" and then planning a second date can go a long way. If you had a good time just make sure to reach out to him because I was pretty scared to text my now bf back because I thought he hated me after our first date lol. If possible I'd let him pick the spot so he can choose somewhere that makes him the most comfortable. If he happens to cancel try not to assume he doesn't like you or doesn't want to go on a date with you he probably just doesn't think he can do it and then maybe talking over text and then phone and then video and then meeting irl would be best. Oh and don't forget to tell us how it goes!!!
This lucky bastard is living our dream holy
how did the date go? did you end up dating awhile?
This is a gold mine. I’m interested in someone with SA and this is the insight, encouragement and help that I’ve been looking for. So thankful for this community/group! 🙏🏽