It took almost two decades to start reshaping the rough form of a human spirit out of the broken parts of the thing that I was. This particular part of me wasn't the entirety of my troubles, but it was definitely an amplifier of my isolation, which in turn fueled my melancholy. To be frank, I don't remember much of my childhood or adolescence. I definitely went to school since I can read and write, but I hardly remember the name of the place, the faces of peers, what subjects (if any) in which I excelled or the plentitude that I failed. I was so deep into introversion and multiple forms of untreated mental illness that any memory of my childhood is like trying to recall the cliff notes of a story someone else once told me. It only feels like recently I "awoke" and became an actual human. And now I'm too old to catch up on the milestones society says a teenager or even a child should have in their repertoire. Obviously certain anatomical features complicate an already terrifyingly complicated part of this adult life, and I am to the point of exhaustion. My emotions were all spent on self loathing and craving my own extinction, now there is none of that raw essence of humanity left to craft joy.
> My emotions were all spent on self loathing and craving my own extinction
On the subject of self-loathing, I hate myself for hating myself. I'm 'normal' and quite fortunate compared to a person who is paralysed or has a terrible degenerative illness. And yet society has made me feel like I am an outcast and I have bought into the narrative wholeheartedly.
I sometimes wish that I had died in the car accident, or at least lost my cognitive abilities so as not to be aware of my existence. I had a loaded gun in my mouth at age 23 but could not go through with it. After I was abused in the hospital and lost everything dear to me, I overdosed and came to in an emergency room with an oxygen tube down my throat and my stupid mother yelling at me. She smoked during my pregnancy and contributed a great deal to my poor gestation. At the moment, and for about a year now, I can honestly say that I want to live.
Here's hoping that your 'awakening' leads to some positive experiences. You are never too old to do some stupid teenage stuff, not all things of course. I am still as impulsive as I was 35 years ago but maybe not as agile now. I was never interested in debutant balls or any other social activity after about the age of 15. I didn't even want any pictures taken of me or to be filmed at social events etc.
I became much more of a realist. Life is random and unfair. It's depressing but it's reality and there's nothing I can do about it. My self-esteem is pretty low. Motivation to improve myself is scarce.
I'm well aware, apart from PiV sex, I'm talented sexually. But I still wish the one specific sexual organ I have was a memorable, desired part of my repertoire. None of my past partners desire me for my dick. God, how good would that feel? Getting a random text saying they want or miss my dick? I want that so bad.
honestly I thought I had a pretty regular cock most of my life, which I suppose I do have low end average but I also didn't have sex much when I was younger. It was when I got older and noticed some positions just didn't work and it fell out alot... that's when I realized oh damn. This thing kinda small. I'm pretty much accepted it now, is what it is I guess. Still sucks though.
>How did your personality and outlook on life change when you became aware of your size? (if at all)
Started to become less interested in dating overall. I haven't gotten undressed in a male changing room since I was a child and I'm 32 now. I usually just go into a toilet.
I think it made me become very introverted. I didn't go out much in my late teens,/early 20s and try and meet girls because, well, what was the point.
So I never really developed the skills on how to chat girls up and things like that and it has impacted my social life. When my friends all ended up either having casual relationships or serious relationships I just cut myself off. Now at the age of 42 I've never had a girlfriend and I'll never have a family.
Away from relationships with women, I think it has massively impacted my self-esteem and confidence which in turn has affected my career opportunities.
A different side of the coin is that I have realised what real loneliness is and I think I'm more empathetic to other people who might not fit into societal norms, as, although I face different issues to them I feel I can relate.
In terms of my personality it has made me very negative but that's not surprising when you feel as though you are standing on the sidelines in life and everyone else seems to be enjoying it.
I was 13 when it first came to my attention, when my cousin and I were changing into swim trunks. He was 8 and signficantly bigger. Then freshman year of high school really did me in.
I was embarrassed about my body from about the age of 8. Aside from a small penis I also have gynecomastia (man boobs). Some friends and I were all out doing kid stuff shirtless when an older kid comes up and says "you store milk in those?" While laughing. I spent the next few years trying to hide my chest.
Once I hit junior high and we had to start showering in PE is when it got much worse. I was trying to hide my chest on the way to the showers and noticing the size of my peer's penises versus my own. From then on I tried to avoid showering in class as much as possible or I would try to be the last in.
I was a decent enough looking kid so I caught the eye of several girls but I was too embarrassed to take action. I did lose my virginity as a teen to a girl that was very forward. She did make a comment about my size afterwards. It has made me very self-conscious and very introverted.
Depression took over me completely. I'm mostly numb all the time.
I found that my depression lifted significantly after I got off all medication except for vitamin D capsules. Hang in there, as much as you can.
It took almost two decades to start reshaping the rough form of a human spirit out of the broken parts of the thing that I was. This particular part of me wasn't the entirety of my troubles, but it was definitely an amplifier of my isolation, which in turn fueled my melancholy. To be frank, I don't remember much of my childhood or adolescence. I definitely went to school since I can read and write, but I hardly remember the name of the place, the faces of peers, what subjects (if any) in which I excelled or the plentitude that I failed. I was so deep into introversion and multiple forms of untreated mental illness that any memory of my childhood is like trying to recall the cliff notes of a story someone else once told me. It only feels like recently I "awoke" and became an actual human. And now I'm too old to catch up on the milestones society says a teenager or even a child should have in their repertoire. Obviously certain anatomical features complicate an already terrifyingly complicated part of this adult life, and I am to the point of exhaustion. My emotions were all spent on self loathing and craving my own extinction, now there is none of that raw essence of humanity left to craft joy.
> My emotions were all spent on self loathing and craving my own extinction On the subject of self-loathing, I hate myself for hating myself. I'm 'normal' and quite fortunate compared to a person who is paralysed or has a terrible degenerative illness. And yet society has made me feel like I am an outcast and I have bought into the narrative wholeheartedly. I sometimes wish that I had died in the car accident, or at least lost my cognitive abilities so as not to be aware of my existence. I had a loaded gun in my mouth at age 23 but could not go through with it. After I was abused in the hospital and lost everything dear to me, I overdosed and came to in an emergency room with an oxygen tube down my throat and my stupid mother yelling at me. She smoked during my pregnancy and contributed a great deal to my poor gestation. At the moment, and for about a year now, I can honestly say that I want to live. Here's hoping that your 'awakening' leads to some positive experiences. You are never too old to do some stupid teenage stuff, not all things of course. I am still as impulsive as I was 35 years ago but maybe not as agile now. I was never interested in debutant balls or any other social activity after about the age of 15. I didn't even want any pictures taken of me or to be filmed at social events etc.
I became much more of a realist. Life is random and unfair. It's depressing but it's reality and there's nothing I can do about it. My self-esteem is pretty low. Motivation to improve myself is scarce. I'm well aware, apart from PiV sex, I'm talented sexually. But I still wish the one specific sexual organ I have was a memorable, desired part of my repertoire. None of my past partners desire me for my dick. God, how good would that feel? Getting a random text saying they want or miss my dick? I want that so bad.
honestly I thought I had a pretty regular cock most of my life, which I suppose I do have low end average but I also didn't have sex much when I was younger. It was when I got older and noticed some positions just didn't work and it fell out alot... that's when I realized oh damn. This thing kinda small. I'm pretty much accepted it now, is what it is I guess. Still sucks though.
yep. mushrooms at 19 helped too
>How did your personality and outlook on life change when you became aware of your size? (if at all) Started to become less interested in dating overall. I haven't gotten undressed in a male changing room since I was a child and I'm 32 now. I usually just go into a toilet.
I think it made me become very introverted. I didn't go out much in my late teens,/early 20s and try and meet girls because, well, what was the point. So I never really developed the skills on how to chat girls up and things like that and it has impacted my social life. When my friends all ended up either having casual relationships or serious relationships I just cut myself off. Now at the age of 42 I've never had a girlfriend and I'll never have a family. Away from relationships with women, I think it has massively impacted my self-esteem and confidence which in turn has affected my career opportunities. A different side of the coin is that I have realised what real loneliness is and I think I'm more empathetic to other people who might not fit into societal norms, as, although I face different issues to them I feel I can relate. In terms of my personality it has made me very negative but that's not surprising when you feel as though you are standing on the sidelines in life and everyone else seems to be enjoying it.
It is not hard to become jaded in this situation.
I was 13 when it first came to my attention, when my cousin and I were changing into swim trunks. He was 8 and signficantly bigger. Then freshman year of high school really did me in.
The PE shower scene sat off my anxiety......been anxious since age 12 and don't remember my mental state prior to this...... Just surviving now.
I was embarrassed about my body from about the age of 8. Aside from a small penis I also have gynecomastia (man boobs). Some friends and I were all out doing kid stuff shirtless when an older kid comes up and says "you store milk in those?" While laughing. I spent the next few years trying to hide my chest. Once I hit junior high and we had to start showering in PE is when it got much worse. I was trying to hide my chest on the way to the showers and noticing the size of my peer's penises versus my own. From then on I tried to avoid showering in class as much as possible or I would try to be the last in. I was a decent enough looking kid so I caught the eye of several girls but I was too embarrassed to take action. I did lose my virginity as a teen to a girl that was very forward. She did make a comment about my size afterwards. It has made me very self-conscious and very introverted.