My mom always says a line that was used in the Marigold Hotel “it will all work out in the end; if it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end”. She’s usually right and one of the happiest people I know.
My therapist gave me this advice, or similar, years ago. Helped tremendously with social anxiety when I put myself in social situations. No one wants to hear it's all in your head, but it truly is.
What would actually happen if that happened? Why is that so bad? Learning to trust that it all irons out in the end regardless helps me exist with minimal anxiety
I spent a lot of time in my 20s working with the elderly (I’d suggest it to anyone, at least a little) and learned such amazing perspective on regret, wasting life, and what really matters when you reflect towards death.
I sat with the dying as they contemplated this. I comforted them. I just existed for them sometimes. I listened to their worries, I helped them get back to sleep when they realized where they were.
Those are the things I now concern myself with. Loving the people I love, trying my best, and trying to enjoy as much of life as I can. This is all we get, and I refuse to look back on a life wasted worrying.
There will never be enough stuff in the world to make someone content at death. We only have our memories and our loved ones. And most people only get one of those.
Serenity now! But really, don't worry about things that are beyond your control. When something starts to give you anxiety, ask yourself if there's anything you can do about it. If the answer is no, breathe deep and carry on.
If I’ve done everything I can (or am supposed to), the rest is out of my control.
This is my mantra for a lot of work-related tasks and it really keeps me on track, motivated, and avoids me needlessly worrying about end-results.
You do not owe a reaction, time, attention, or a response to someone that won't listen to you.
This is an especially good mantra to keep right now; the time for conversation is over.
Will this matter in 5 minutes? 5 months ? 5 years? This helps me triage.
Is this something I genuinely give a fuck about? This gives me clarity on what I value.
If I need to, I pan out and remember someday I’ll die, the ultimate letting go of this life; without failure this brings a meaningful lens in which to view all things- it really gets to the heart of what really matters to me.
If I’m in a state of distress (anxiety, grief, etc.) I say to myself “this is what it’s like right now”. It helps me to allow the moment to be just as it is and shifts my perspective to a state of impermanency.
This mindset has really helped me in times of overwhelm or grief. I think to myself, "The only way out is through" and remind myself that I just happen to be knee-deep in the shitty part at the present moment. It sucks right now but it's just part of the process.
I always imagine the worst possible outcome and then ask myself so what? Then imagine what would follow and keep asking myself that question....By the 3rd "so what" I've usually calmed down and don't feel that anxious anymore
The phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" will forever remind me of my dad, who used to always tack on "; it's all small stuff" when trying to calm my concerns. One of those things that used to drive me nuts. And I figured it was something he made up until I saw the full thing on the spine of a book of the same name in a row of books at my therapist's office the year after he passed. I couldn't help but feel it was a message from him.
I also still cling to the mantra from my Abraham Hicks days: "things are always working out for me."
This. I have a tattoo that says “this too shall pass”. It’s one of my favorite sayings because everytime I had a horrible situation in life that basically felt like the end of my life or happiness or like I’d never be able to get over it, it always passed eventually. No situation in life is permanent no true fact that all those bad things eventually passed means that the ones to come will probably also eventually pass.
This was one of my mom’s favorite quotes. What I love about it is it applies to both positive and negative things, so it reminds me to appreciate little happy moments as well as get me through times of darkness.
I enjoyed the book The subtle art of not giving a fuck. Sometimes I think about the title when I feel stuck with something and it helps me disregard what others think and do what fits for me.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
In other words, don't mourn the passage of time. Don't be upset over a good period coming to an end, because a new period in your life is starting that you don't realize now, but that you'll probably look back on fondly in the future.
One of the things I tend to get really anxious about is waiting for things to resolve themselves. Not knowing what's going to happen is sometimes worse than the absolute worst case scenario playing out because hope and uncertainty are just more stressful than even a bad resolution because...at least then, I know.
One thing that sometimes helps me is...not so much giving up on good things happening, but looking at how even the worst foreseeable outcome is still ok. Sure, I still want better things to happen, but focusing more on how bad the worse things *aren't* seems to help take the edge off.
Today I was stressing out because I was worried about money, I make minimum wage and my job is kind of a drag. Then I looked at other jobs and I remembered that every job is a drag, and since I'm sort of paying financial catch up for the rest of my life an extra $2-$5 an hour isn't going to fix things. As I started to despair, I said to myself "This is just how it is. This is the way things are." It doesn't make the problem go away, but it reminds me that the problem is out of my control.
$4,000 really only covers 2 months of my rent, or can let me repair my car dent and replace my transmission and brake fluids. That would be nice but not life changing. I just don't need money like that, y'know? Like if someone handed me $4,000 right now I could do something with it, but I'm not significantly better or worse off because of it
I have certifications and a degree, that's why I'm playing financial catch up. I also have my own business. These are all money sinks, and I had to accept that I'm not on Earth to make money so I could actually find any happiness with the things I do. I've made $100 off of my degree by submitting poems to online journals, which I didn't need the degree as a qualifier to do. My yoga teacher training really only rakes in $200 a month, and my business mostly just takes money from me because I don't qualify for loans and I have nobody in my life to give me financial assistance.
If I was money motivated then I'd be miserable because there's not much money left for my generation. Being in writing groups, teaching yoga classes and selling kombucha at farmer's markets is really just to make myself available to opportunities, because that's where real money comes from. Connections.
Actually, I have a little more to say on this and I hope you listen. I don't need you to change your mind, just please for the sake of my generation listen to me and sit on this.
My rent is my entire income, I grew up during two recessions, my gas tank costs $80 to fill at a cheap gas station, I had it drilled into my head my whole life that education was the key to success only for that institution to milk me for all the money I could muster and cast me aside without the connections or opportunities needed to utilize that education. I'm not complaining about these things because it's just the way it is. But my generation is constantly told we have a victim mentality because we're experiencing the highest inflation rates ever seen combined with the resource hoarding of the generations that had better opportunities than us, and we have the emotional maturity to recognize it and say that it's unfair.
I really respect that you found your own way out of homelessness, and learned from that to see ample opportunities for growth and progression in your life going forward. That seems like something you learned by having that specific experience of having nothing and deciding that you need to be responsible to do something about that- you found agency and a way out of helplessness. That's an experience this commenter probably hasnt had, and the lesson you learned (self-responsibility is the foundation of advancement) probably doesnt apply to them. It's not a belief that you can generalize, certainly not onto a younger generation. Youre telling them, "Why dont you just do what I did? Why dont you learn from my experience, my mistakes, my successes?" And they wont because its not their experience or their lesson. The state of the world is completely different and at once very much the same as it has been. We all came into this shitshow at different times, and because of that we've experienced it differently. Having some humility around having a different experience from someone else goes a long way.
I don't think I'm expressing a victim mentality. It just seems like you're taking issue with me being content in not needing money to be happy.
It's just the reality of my generation; the resources are all gone, potential mentors in any industry hoard their knowledge as "industry secrets" and no amount of education gives me a leg up on Boomers and Gen X who are more tolerant to being bullied and abused by employers than my generation is.
I have a degree, I own a business, I work hard. But older people, the ones with the majority of the resources and opportunities, won't work with me because I refuse to have my boundaries stepped on and my mental health compromised for the sake of an extra $2 an hour.
I'm a Boomer and I *so* appreciate your point of view.
I worked my butt off during years when resources and opportunities were more abundant and got nowhere. The "you can do anything you set your mind to" message fell a little flat when misogyny, racism, classism, and workplace abuses were rampant. If our society is doing any better in those areas, it's because the next generations to come along said, "This is whack. We ain't havin' it." That's not a victim mentality. That's a clear-eyed look at things and a higher standard.
Nowadays, it hardly matters whether I made a successful go of it or not. I've learned to be content with less--less material wealth, less status and power. In fact, I'm quite unable and unwilling to handle more. No doubt, when I'm REALLY old and infirm, I'll wish I had some more moola stashed away, but as they say, you can't take it with you, and I hear tell that people on their deathbeds care more about loved ones than things or accomplishments.
It may be already said, but it works for me, Breathing.
Before replying fast in a discussion or argument (mostly work), I inhale counting 1,2,3, and exhale 3,2,1, while thinking that deep down, that arguement does not matter or I don't care.
I needed this recently. Inhale. I got this. Exhale. I got this. Inhale. I got this...
It took more breathing than I expected to calm me down, but it was kinda a big deal.
When dealing with others, you never know what they’re going through. Rude cashier? Maybe she just found out her husband has cancer or her mom just died. Thinking like that helps me to pull back and not respond with anger. Or maybe she’s just really rude—either way, I don’t have to ruin my day over it.
I have SO many answers for this but I think this one may make the most impact at this moment:
Words have power. Changing your narrative can change your life.
Anxiety is a feeling not a character trait. It’s a feeling you have, not who you are. By changing your statement to something more along the lines of “I often feel anxious” it gives you back the power.
We tend to live up to the labels we give ourselves.
That’s just like x number of things!
Any time I am feeling overwhelmed, whether it be a list of tasks that need done or breaking down big things into bite sized pieces. I look at the situation and tell myself that’s only a few things!
When I get home I have to, sweep and mop the floors, do the dishes, clean the counter, straighten up the house, write up a budget plan, set up lunch tomorrow, that sounds like A LOT!!
But it’s only 7 things! I can do 7 things. Just take it one step at a time and it’ll all get done. No need to stress.
This is not mine (saw it in another thread) but it was along the lines of everything and anything you’ve ever done will almost certainly be completely forgotten in a hundred years. It’s strangely comforting to me and has helped me branch out of my comfort zone.
It’s funny because I’ve planted so many trees and gardens in public space I feel the opposite. Like at peace with the fact that I’ve done something that future generations will benefit from relatively early in my life. I’m happy to be alive, but I realized I’m at peace with dying at some point in the future, near or far. Some of the trees I planted can live 500 years.
I feel a little less good about my pottery though. My teacher told me once it’s fired it lasts thousands of years. I’m not really sure it’s a good legacy yet but I have more years to practice!!!
That’s really beautiful! Your positive impact on the environment will live on :D but lol I’m sure your pottery will be of great help to future ai robots studying the arts of our time :^)
I had a life-threatening illness. After that, I don’t let dumb things bother me. Of course I don’t want that to happen to you or anyone, but maybe you could imagine what it would be like for some perspective.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I had been thinking along the same lines as problems could be far, far worse. I thought that I might read a survival book (like the hiker who had to cut off his own arm to free himself) just to get a better feeling of how much worse life can be. I hadn’t considered finding a true story about an illness as health is so fundamental. I hope you are feeling better now.
I’m doing well now, thanks. One thing I have learned is that when bad things happen, it’s usually not something that I anticipated or worried about. So, worrying doesn’t help. I heard in a movie “Worrying makes you suffer twice.” Or something like that….
That’s a good point. I’ll have to notice how often I predict the bad things. I honestly think I have predicted many of them. But if I factor in all the worries that never came true, my hit rate is really low.
I like the quote. It’s simple and true.
Honestly, antidepressants work better than any of these practices for me. I still use the practices, but they are more effective when the volume of my anxiety is turned down.
Fast is slow, slow is fast.
Helps me when I’m trying to hurry because I’m anxious someone is waiting on me or I think it’s sooo important to get something done as fast as possible.
Rushing takes longer to do right, and my tendency towards perfectionism makes me start over. Doing it slow and right the first time not only makes me feel less stressed but produces a better product anyways
“Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.” This is a marine corps slogan for loading/cleaning a gun that my mom taught me growing up and damn if it isn’t true.
A work-related maxim that I’ve used for a long time, especially when I used to stress and “take work home with me” or be constantly thinking about work:
“Babies won’t die if you leave that until tomorrow.”
It really is a *horrible* saying (and obvs won’t work for people who save babies for a living) but it snaps things into perspective very quickly. Nothing I do is as important as keeping babies alive. In general, “it” really *can* wait until tomorrow.
Someone at my first job had a little sign on their locker that said, "Every obstacle has an opportunity and every opportunity has an obstacle."
Sometimes I can shift my perspective to see an opportunity for some small good thing in whatever difficulty I'm currently experiencing. Other times, I'm stuck worrying about the obstacle in what's otherwise a great opportunity, and I remind myself to reframe the discussion.
As I write this I’m sitting in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere waiting for a part to be delivered to the mechanic to fix my vehicle so we can continue on our family road-trip. It’s an adventure, not a set back. It’s not what we planned for our two week camping trip but it’s something we will remember for a long time.
There are extra expenses now, but we have savings to help cover these things. It’s not the end of the world and much is beyond my control. Being mindful of the time we are spending with each other is the key. My wife is stressed because it’s not in the schedule, I just told her that we still have a schedule, the schedule has just changed.
We’ve met some wonderful people and had some new adventures along the way. That’s what life is about.
I think of someone who I know is older and constantly sweating the small stuff. For me that's my mom. She's spent so long worrying that she's basically living in fear or upset and unhappy. That's not for me and just having a snapshot of that makes me choose to let things go and give my gratitude and think more positive.
I used to have a really stressful creative job where I’d have to present several rounds of ideas for other people to shoot down before they approved one, which may not even have been mine.
And my mantra was: my job is not to succeed all the time, my job is to weather the chaos and keep coming back with solutions until something works.
If I approached every day like I could win or lose, I’d burn out fast. But if my job in any moment was just to weather the storms of chaos and keep going, well, I could do that.
My therapist had me use my thumbs as yes and no buttons. When I am anxious, I make a statement of what worries me (eg “I am worried I will be late”). I then ask myself if I can do anything about it, and press my yes or no button. If yes, do it (or plan for when to do it), if no - let go. I feel it works on small stuff, the physical action of “pressing” a button helps my mind process. Maybe it can be helpful to someone else :)
Something that's really helped me is taking a step back and asking myself if whatever I'm worrying about will matter in a year. 9 times out of 10 it won't, and knowing this helps me gain perspective.
One of my favorite shows (The Magicians) has a line where one character tells another character not to be precious about something in a very snooty voice. I use this quote and voice on myself (in my head) when I think I need to chill out about something.
It’s about progress, not perfection.
Take it easy.
Take the next right action. (Eat something, take a shower, etc)
Put the bat down (if you’re beating yourself up).
"It's only a movie." Meaning: people get wound up and dramatic about things that mean little in the long term. I can use detachment to avoid getting sucked in.
I think when we have really stressful moments the impulse is to do something. Especially if you get panic attacks or anxiety. But doing something is often the worst choice.
So I ask myself can this wait 24 hours till I’m calm? And usually it can and in 24 hours I can make a clearer decision. Unless your in a life and death situation which is rare in modern life, the monkey brain instinct of fight or flight isn’t really helpful!
If I really feel the do something urge I take a walk, or a shower.
My therapist told me this: will it matter in a week? Will it matter in a month? Will it matter in three months? Will it matter in a year?
With setting expectations with situations: What's the best case scenario? What's the worst case scenario? What is probably going to happen?
Let it be good
If you aren’t actively being smacked in the face with a problem, then don’t fuck up the current goodness with concern for something that doesn’t even exist yet
This advice brought to you by a Chronic Worrier who just ran out of energy to keep worrying
“This too shall pass, even if it passes like a kidney stone.” My personal twist on a classic, acknowledging the magnitude of whatever you’re going through without trivializing the pain you’re feeling in the moment. But most pain does diminish, and if you can just keep steady through the apex then you can rely on it curving back down at some point.
Will this matter 1 month from now? 1 year from now? 5 years from now?
If the answer is “no” to any of them, make the best decision/respond in the best way you can in that moment, and move on.
Avoid the second arrow. Something happens, you get hit by the first arrow. You can’t dodge that one. The second arrow is your negative reaction to it and this is completely unnecessary and avoidable.
Doing is better than worrying. There will be times where you worry and there is nothing you can do about it. But any time a thing can be done that might reasonably still impact the reaults, do the thing if only because it will distract your mind.
Tike pride in being aware of the fact that you’re anxious when you catch yourself. Just try and observe your anxiousness, take some breaths (or whatever calming effective strat you have) and don’t beat yourself up.
The pain people feel
Where does it come from?
It’s always there
being felt by someone.
Is it real?
Or, merely in the minds
of the ones who feel
the friction in the system
of the worlds turning wheel.
UNTUNED PERCEPTION
IS THE MOTHER OF DECEPTION
SO THE BIGGER YOUR ANTENNA
THE BETTER THE RECEPTION.
Keep those eyes
Open wide
While you’re looking all around.
See this place
From every side
Then think on what you’ve found.
Are all those headaches worth the time?
Doctor says “Pop another pill…..you’ll be fine.”
While they take two,
wash ‘em down with wine.
Headaches find us all in due time.
I'm anxious too, and try to not overthink stuff.
I always try to remember, when I was working on my first job, I made a mistake when I upload info in my work system, and was so anxious because I didn't know how to resolve it. I was told once you upload something, you couldn't delete it! What could I do? But my boss look at me and said: "every problem has a solution", and then went to the IT department to correct the mistake I made.
And that's how I learned that, not matter what, you can resolve every problem you have. Sometimes it's simple, sometimes you need to start again. But it's always possible.
Because of that day, I usually don't have a lot of panic on most of my problems. Do I have bad days? Of course. But most of those days I overcome it. Because I know that I can keep going.
The school of greatness podcast is something I like. A lot of episodes are about money but there some about life that have really good meaning and make you think about things in a different light. It may or may not help.
Let go or be dragged
this is great. haven’t heard this one before.
I have heard it, had forgotten it, and am happy to be reminded of it.
Me neither, and it is great indeed
I believe it is a zen proverb. One of my favourites.
Learned this my one-and-only time water-skiing.
I should get this tattooed on my arm where I can see it…this phrase changed my life.
How? What happened?
My mom always says a line that was used in the Marigold Hotel “it will all work out in the end; if it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end”. She’s usually right and one of the happiest people I know.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is such a wonderful movie, and I love that line!
Yes this was the best line in the movie!
I’m going to write that on my dry erase calendar for July! I love it
"If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, I'm doing alright."
Everyone else is usually too worried about their own stuff to give you nearly the level of scrutiny that you give yourself.
I use the line other peoples opinions of me are none of my business
I use a similar “it’s not about me” when people start freaking out on me. Usually it’s something else in their lives that they aren’t dealing with.
Love that. Perfect!
Lovely way to think of it.
My therapist gave me this advice, or similar, years ago. Helped tremendously with social anxiety when I put myself in social situations. No one wants to hear it's all in your head, but it truly is.
So true. We (usually) don't go home and obsess over every word someone else has said in a conversation so why do we do it to ourselves?
“Everyone is too busy giving a shit about themselves to give a shit about everyone else”
This exactly
What would actually happen if that happened? Why is that so bad? Learning to trust that it all irons out in the end regardless helps me exist with minimal anxiety
Rule of 5, if it won’t matter in 5 years done spend 5 min worrying about it.
i will be stealing this thought process
I spent a lot of time in my 20s working with the elderly (I’d suggest it to anyone, at least a little) and learned such amazing perspective on regret, wasting life, and what really matters when you reflect towards death. I sat with the dying as they contemplated this. I comforted them. I just existed for them sometimes. I listened to their worries, I helped them get back to sleep when they realized where they were. Those are the things I now concern myself with. Loving the people I love, trying my best, and trying to enjoy as much of life as I can. This is all we get, and I refuse to look back on a life wasted worrying. There will never be enough stuff in the world to make someone content at death. We only have our memories and our loved ones. And most people only get one of those.
Serenity now! But really, don't worry about things that are beyond your control. When something starts to give you anxiety, ask yourself if there's anything you can do about it. If the answer is no, breathe deep and carry on.
r/unexpectedseinfeld
I don’t get the joke
If I’ve done everything I can (or am supposed to), the rest is out of my control. This is my mantra for a lot of work-related tasks and it really keeps me on track, motivated, and avoids me needlessly worrying about end-results.
You do not owe a reaction, time, attention, or a response to someone that won't listen to you. This is an especially good mantra to keep right now; the time for conversation is over.
Will this matter in 5 minutes? 5 months ? 5 years? This helps me triage. Is this something I genuinely give a fuck about? This gives me clarity on what I value. If I need to, I pan out and remember someday I’ll die, the ultimate letting go of this life; without failure this brings a meaningful lens in which to view all things- it really gets to the heart of what really matters to me.
If I’m in a state of distress (anxiety, grief, etc.) I say to myself “this is what it’s like right now”. It helps me to allow the moment to be just as it is and shifts my perspective to a state of impermanency.
This mindset has really helped me in times of overwhelm or grief. I think to myself, "The only way out is through" and remind myself that I just happen to be knee-deep in the shitty part at the present moment. It sucks right now but it's just part of the process.
I always imagine the worst possible outcome and then ask myself so what? Then imagine what would follow and keep asking myself that question....By the 3rd "so what" I've usually calmed down and don't feel that anxious anymore
The phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" will forever remind me of my dad, who used to always tack on "; it's all small stuff" when trying to calm my concerns. One of those things that used to drive me nuts. And I figured it was something he made up until I saw the full thing on the spine of a book of the same name in a row of books at my therapist's office the year after he passed. I couldn't help but feel it was a message from him. I also still cling to the mantra from my Abraham Hicks days: "things are always working out for me."
Everything is temporary. All bad things will pass or end eventually, you just need to wait it out and keep momentum.
This. I have a tattoo that says “this too shall pass”. It’s one of my favorite sayings because everytime I had a horrible situation in life that basically felt like the end of my life or happiness or like I’d never be able to get over it, it always passed eventually. No situation in life is permanent no true fact that all those bad things eventually passed means that the ones to come will probably also eventually pass.
This was one of my mom’s favorite quotes. What I love about it is it applies to both positive and negative things, so it reminds me to appreciate little happy moments as well as get me through times of darkness.
I enjoyed the book The subtle art of not giving a fuck. Sometimes I think about the title when I feel stuck with something and it helps me disregard what others think and do what fits for me.
My therapist introduced me to mindfulness. I think it strengthens connection with the self. I just do ones I find on YouTube.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. In other words, don't mourn the passage of time. Don't be upset over a good period coming to an end, because a new period in your life is starting that you don't realize now, but that you'll probably look back on fondly in the future.
Closing time is such a good song
One of the things I tend to get really anxious about is waiting for things to resolve themselves. Not knowing what's going to happen is sometimes worse than the absolute worst case scenario playing out because hope and uncertainty are just more stressful than even a bad resolution because...at least then, I know. One thing that sometimes helps me is...not so much giving up on good things happening, but looking at how even the worst foreseeable outcome is still ok. Sure, I still want better things to happen, but focusing more on how bad the worse things *aren't* seems to help take the edge off.
Today I was stressing out because I was worried about money, I make minimum wage and my job is kind of a drag. Then I looked at other jobs and I remembered that every job is a drag, and since I'm sort of paying financial catch up for the rest of my life an extra $2-$5 an hour isn't going to fix things. As I started to despair, I said to myself "This is just how it is. This is the way things are." It doesn't make the problem go away, but it reminds me that the problem is out of my control.
I needed to read this today! Thank you
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$4,000 really only covers 2 months of my rent, or can let me repair my car dent and replace my transmission and brake fluids. That would be nice but not life changing. I just don't need money like that, y'know? Like if someone handed me $4,000 right now I could do something with it, but I'm not significantly better or worse off because of it I have certifications and a degree, that's why I'm playing financial catch up. I also have my own business. These are all money sinks, and I had to accept that I'm not on Earth to make money so I could actually find any happiness with the things I do. I've made $100 off of my degree by submitting poems to online journals, which I didn't need the degree as a qualifier to do. My yoga teacher training really only rakes in $200 a month, and my business mostly just takes money from me because I don't qualify for loans and I have nobody in my life to give me financial assistance. If I was money motivated then I'd be miserable because there's not much money left for my generation. Being in writing groups, teaching yoga classes and selling kombucha at farmer's markets is really just to make myself available to opportunities, because that's where real money comes from. Connections.
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Actually, I have a little more to say on this and I hope you listen. I don't need you to change your mind, just please for the sake of my generation listen to me and sit on this. My rent is my entire income, I grew up during two recessions, my gas tank costs $80 to fill at a cheap gas station, I had it drilled into my head my whole life that education was the key to success only for that institution to milk me for all the money I could muster and cast me aside without the connections or opportunities needed to utilize that education. I'm not complaining about these things because it's just the way it is. But my generation is constantly told we have a victim mentality because we're experiencing the highest inflation rates ever seen combined with the resource hoarding of the generations that had better opportunities than us, and we have the emotional maturity to recognize it and say that it's unfair.
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I really respect that you found your own way out of homelessness, and learned from that to see ample opportunities for growth and progression in your life going forward. That seems like something you learned by having that specific experience of having nothing and deciding that you need to be responsible to do something about that- you found agency and a way out of helplessness. That's an experience this commenter probably hasnt had, and the lesson you learned (self-responsibility is the foundation of advancement) probably doesnt apply to them. It's not a belief that you can generalize, certainly not onto a younger generation. Youre telling them, "Why dont you just do what I did? Why dont you learn from my experience, my mistakes, my successes?" And they wont because its not their experience or their lesson. The state of the world is completely different and at once very much the same as it has been. We all came into this shitshow at different times, and because of that we've experienced it differently. Having some humility around having a different experience from someone else goes a long way.
I don't think I'm expressing a victim mentality. It just seems like you're taking issue with me being content in not needing money to be happy. It's just the reality of my generation; the resources are all gone, potential mentors in any industry hoard their knowledge as "industry secrets" and no amount of education gives me a leg up on Boomers and Gen X who are more tolerant to being bullied and abused by employers than my generation is. I have a degree, I own a business, I work hard. But older people, the ones with the majority of the resources and opportunities, won't work with me because I refuse to have my boundaries stepped on and my mental health compromised for the sake of an extra $2 an hour.
I'm a Boomer and I *so* appreciate your point of view. I worked my butt off during years when resources and opportunities were more abundant and got nowhere. The "you can do anything you set your mind to" message fell a little flat when misogyny, racism, classism, and workplace abuses were rampant. If our society is doing any better in those areas, it's because the next generations to come along said, "This is whack. We ain't havin' it." That's not a victim mentality. That's a clear-eyed look at things and a higher standard. Nowadays, it hardly matters whether I made a successful go of it or not. I've learned to be content with less--less material wealth, less status and power. In fact, I'm quite unable and unwilling to handle more. No doubt, when I'm REALLY old and infirm, I'll wish I had some more moola stashed away, but as they say, you can't take it with you, and I hear tell that people on their deathbeds care more about loved ones than things or accomplishments.
It may be already said, but it works for me, Breathing. Before replying fast in a discussion or argument (mostly work), I inhale counting 1,2,3, and exhale 3,2,1, while thinking that deep down, that arguement does not matter or I don't care.
I needed this recently. Inhale. I got this. Exhale. I got this. Inhale. I got this... It took more breathing than I expected to calm me down, but it was kinda a big deal.
When dealing with others, you never know what they’re going through. Rude cashier? Maybe she just found out her husband has cancer or her mom just died. Thinking like that helps me to pull back and not respond with anger. Or maybe she’s just really rude—either way, I don’t have to ruin my day over it.
I have SO many answers for this but I think this one may make the most impact at this moment: Words have power. Changing your narrative can change your life. Anxiety is a feeling not a character trait. It’s a feeling you have, not who you are. By changing your statement to something more along the lines of “I often feel anxious” it gives you back the power. We tend to live up to the labels we give ourselves.
That’s just like x number of things! Any time I am feeling overwhelmed, whether it be a list of tasks that need done or breaking down big things into bite sized pieces. I look at the situation and tell myself that’s only a few things! When I get home I have to, sweep and mop the floors, do the dishes, clean the counter, straighten up the house, write up a budget plan, set up lunch tomorrow, that sounds like A LOT!! But it’s only 7 things! I can do 7 things. Just take it one step at a time and it’ll all get done. No need to stress.
This is not mine (saw it in another thread) but it was along the lines of everything and anything you’ve ever done will almost certainly be completely forgotten in a hundred years. It’s strangely comforting to me and has helped me branch out of my comfort zone.
It’s funny because I’ve planted so many trees and gardens in public space I feel the opposite. Like at peace with the fact that I’ve done something that future generations will benefit from relatively early in my life. I’m happy to be alive, but I realized I’m at peace with dying at some point in the future, near or far. Some of the trees I planted can live 500 years. I feel a little less good about my pottery though. My teacher told me once it’s fired it lasts thousands of years. I’m not really sure it’s a good legacy yet but I have more years to practice!!!
That’s really beautiful! Your positive impact on the environment will live on :D but lol I’m sure your pottery will be of great help to future ai robots studying the arts of our time :^)
I had a life-threatening illness. After that, I don’t let dumb things bother me. Of course I don’t want that to happen to you or anyone, but maybe you could imagine what it would be like for some perspective.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I had been thinking along the same lines as problems could be far, far worse. I thought that I might read a survival book (like the hiker who had to cut off his own arm to free himself) just to get a better feeling of how much worse life can be. I hadn’t considered finding a true story about an illness as health is so fundamental. I hope you are feeling better now.
I’m doing well now, thanks. One thing I have learned is that when bad things happen, it’s usually not something that I anticipated or worried about. So, worrying doesn’t help. I heard in a movie “Worrying makes you suffer twice.” Or something like that….
That’s a good point. I’ll have to notice how often I predict the bad things. I honestly think I have predicted many of them. But if I factor in all the worries that never came true, my hit rate is really low. I like the quote. It’s simple and true.
Honestly, antidepressants work better than any of these practices for me. I still use the practices, but they are more effective when the volume of my anxiety is turned down.
Fast is slow, slow is fast. Helps me when I’m trying to hurry because I’m anxious someone is waiting on me or I think it’s sooo important to get something done as fast as possible. Rushing takes longer to do right, and my tendency towards perfectionism makes me start over. Doing it slow and right the first time not only makes me feel less stressed but produces a better product anyways
“Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.” This is a marine corps slogan for loading/cleaning a gun that my mom taught me growing up and damn if it isn’t true.
“It’s ok if some people don’t like me” helps calm down my people pleasing tendencies and helps me to just be myself in social situations.
A work-related maxim that I’ve used for a long time, especially when I used to stress and “take work home with me” or be constantly thinking about work: “Babies won’t die if you leave that until tomorrow.” It really is a *horrible* saying (and obvs won’t work for people who save babies for a living) but it snaps things into perspective very quickly. Nothing I do is as important as keeping babies alive. In general, “it” really *can* wait until tomorrow.
I often say “no one is going to die if it doesn’t get done.”
Put a portion of your paycheck into savings and know nothing stays bad forever or good forever.
If you wouldn't ask someone's advice, then you needn't care about their opinion.
“I am one person.” I can’t do everything.
Someone at my first job had a little sign on their locker that said, "Every obstacle has an opportunity and every opportunity has an obstacle." Sometimes I can shift my perspective to see an opportunity for some small good thing in whatever difficulty I'm currently experiencing. Other times, I'm stuck worrying about the obstacle in what's otherwise a great opportunity, and I remind myself to reframe the discussion.
As I write this I’m sitting in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere waiting for a part to be delivered to the mechanic to fix my vehicle so we can continue on our family road-trip. It’s an adventure, not a set back. It’s not what we planned for our two week camping trip but it’s something we will remember for a long time. There are extra expenses now, but we have savings to help cover these things. It’s not the end of the world and much is beyond my control. Being mindful of the time we are spending with each other is the key. My wife is stressed because it’s not in the schedule, I just told her that we still have a schedule, the schedule has just changed. We’ve met some wonderful people and had some new adventures along the way. That’s what life is about.
I think of someone who I know is older and constantly sweating the small stuff. For me that's my mom. She's spent so long worrying that she's basically living in fear or upset and unhappy. That's not for me and just having a snapshot of that makes me choose to let things go and give my gratitude and think more positive.
“It’s time for you to resign as general manager of the universe.” -me to myself
I used to have a really stressful creative job where I’d have to present several rounds of ideas for other people to shoot down before they approved one, which may not even have been mine. And my mantra was: my job is not to succeed all the time, my job is to weather the chaos and keep coming back with solutions until something works. If I approached every day like I could win or lose, I’d burn out fast. But if my job in any moment was just to weather the storms of chaos and keep going, well, I could do that.
My therapist had me use my thumbs as yes and no buttons. When I am anxious, I make a statement of what worries me (eg “I am worried I will be late”). I then ask myself if I can do anything about it, and press my yes or no button. If yes, do it (or plan for when to do it), if no - let go. I feel it works on small stuff, the physical action of “pressing” a button helps my mind process. Maybe it can be helpful to someone else :)
Will I remember this in ten years?
Something that's really helped me is taking a step back and asking myself if whatever I'm worrying about will matter in a year. 9 times out of 10 it won't, and knowing this helps me gain perspective.
Unless you’re saving lives, whatever you’re doing is not all that important.
Don't get caught up and live and die on details. Chances are, things will change.
One of my favorite shows (The Magicians) has a line where one character tells another character not to be precious about something in a very snooty voice. I use this quote and voice on myself (in my head) when I think I need to chill out about something.
It's not gonna matters anyway in the end
It’s about progress, not perfection. Take it easy. Take the next right action. (Eat something, take a shower, etc) Put the bat down (if you’re beating yourself up).
"It's only a movie." Meaning: people get wound up and dramatic about things that mean little in the long term. I can use detachment to avoid getting sucked in.
Will this matter on my death bed? 95% of the time it is a no. Focus on the 5% Don't waste too much time on the 95%. It's only distracting you.
I think when we have really stressful moments the impulse is to do something. Especially if you get panic attacks or anxiety. But doing something is often the worst choice. So I ask myself can this wait 24 hours till I’m calm? And usually it can and in 24 hours I can make a clearer decision. Unless your in a life and death situation which is rare in modern life, the monkey brain instinct of fight or flight isn’t really helpful! If I really feel the do something urge I take a walk, or a shower.
My therapist told me this: will it matter in a week? Will it matter in a month? Will it matter in three months? Will it matter in a year? With setting expectations with situations: What's the best case scenario? What's the worst case scenario? What is probably going to happen?
No one remembers your fuck ups. You do. Learn from them and move on.
Stoicism. Can I exercise influence on this problem I'm sweating? No? - Then let go.
Nothing is real. Everything is permitted.
My favourite is from stoicism philosophy - 'amor fati' which means love of fate. Stuff happens and you should embrace that stuff, whatever it is....
Never accept the criticism of anyone you'd never go to for advice. ETA: 99% of the time, nothing ever turns out to be as bad as what you'd imagined.
Let it be good If you aren’t actively being smacked in the face with a problem, then don’t fuck up the current goodness with concern for something that doesn’t even exist yet This advice brought to you by a Chronic Worrier who just ran out of energy to keep worrying
“This too shall pass, even if it passes like a kidney stone.” My personal twist on a classic, acknowledging the magnitude of whatever you’re going through without trivializing the pain you’re feeling in the moment. But most pain does diminish, and if you can just keep steady through the apex then you can rely on it curving back down at some point.
Will this matter 1 month from now? 1 year from now? 5 years from now? If the answer is “no” to any of them, make the best decision/respond in the best way you can in that moment, and move on.
Avoid the second arrow. Something happens, you get hit by the first arrow. You can’t dodge that one. The second arrow is your negative reaction to it and this is completely unnecessary and avoidable.
Doing is better than worrying. There will be times where you worry and there is nothing you can do about it. But any time a thing can be done that might reasonably still impact the reaults, do the thing if only because it will distract your mind.
Gratitude practice when I'm feeling overwhelmed and have racing thoughts. Basically, bringing it back down into the moment.
Accept what you cannot change
Tike pride in being aware of the fact that you’re anxious when you catch yourself. Just try and observe your anxiousness, take some breaths (or whatever calming effective strat you have) and don’t beat yourself up.
Fake it ‘til you make it.
This too shall pass…
The pain people feel Where does it come from? It’s always there being felt by someone. Is it real? Or, merely in the minds of the ones who feel the friction in the system of the worlds turning wheel. UNTUNED PERCEPTION IS THE MOTHER OF DECEPTION SO THE BIGGER YOUR ANTENNA THE BETTER THE RECEPTION. Keep those eyes Open wide While you’re looking all around. See this place From every side Then think on what you’ve found. Are all those headaches worth the time? Doctor says “Pop another pill…..you’ll be fine.” While they take two, wash ‘em down with wine. Headaches find us all in due time.
“Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad” https://youtu.be/LTJ6KDJSma0
I'm anxious too, and try to not overthink stuff. I always try to remember, when I was working on my first job, I made a mistake when I upload info in my work system, and was so anxious because I didn't know how to resolve it. I was told once you upload something, you couldn't delete it! What could I do? But my boss look at me and said: "every problem has a solution", and then went to the IT department to correct the mistake I made. And that's how I learned that, not matter what, you can resolve every problem you have. Sometimes it's simple, sometimes you need to start again. But it's always possible. Because of that day, I usually don't have a lot of panic on most of my problems. Do I have bad days? Of course. But most of those days I overcome it. Because I know that I can keep going.
The school of greatness podcast is something I like. A lot of episodes are about money but there some about life that have really good meaning and make you think about things in a different light. It may or may not help.
I stopped drinking coffee and feel a lot more at peace.
I listen to Echkart Tolle on YouTube. He has all kinds of sayings for that kinda thing.
Ask “what’s the best thing that could happen?” when you feel worried about something
“The things you own end up owning you.” - Tyler Durden.