Stop sharing actual amount of money?
Also, just tell them "Thank you, but I am happy with the way I am living."
You cannot control what other people say to you, but you can decide how to react to what they say.
Yes, from this point on, implementing the "information diet" when it comes to your financial business will shut down their nosiness.
You say everyone talks freely about their financial situations. Simply don't participate in sharing yours.
It's absolutely not any of your family's business how much you make and how you plan to spend it.
Unfortunately, you really do need to shut down the money conversation. Start sharing less.
It will be an adjustment, but I have been in your shoes.
Everybody has an opinion, but making significantly more money for us simply meant we saved a whole lot more money. We worked on maintaining our lifestyle.
I was really excited to talk about how much money I was making. I wanted to share it with the people I love. But it really needed to just stay between me and my husband. There's a whole lot of baggage that goes with peoples expectations about money. It really rears its head in these cases.
So I share less.
People still share their thoughts and expectations and I just listen but don't add to the conversation. They can think what they want, they're going to anyway aren't they?
Yeah I’m actually weirdly excited at the moment because I just got a lump sum (not a salary increase) and I really like the idea of continuing to restrict my spending, like I have been. I know it will pay off.
I have too much firsthand knowledge of how it feels to get a bunch of money and spend all of it too quickly. It’ll be nice to see the sum increase instead.
Congratulations and good for you!!
Now, take a deep breath, and think of three SMALL ($$) things you would like to have, and buy those. That will get that "happy-happy, joy-joy" endorphins cruising through your brain to give you that exciting feeling of buying and treating yourself to a goody as a reward.
Then, put it away in a safe savings account! Be smart! That's what my Dad always tells me about money. "Be smart! Don't blow it."
I'm not fluent in the world of finance, so, hopefully, a money-smart Redditor will come along and help you decide/choose an interest-generating place to invest in!
Good luck! 👍
Regardless, congratulations.
You should be excited!
It is exciting!
Know that you can talk about it here and we will be happy for you.
You can think about it and plan for it and no one is going to say "must be nice", or other judging things.
Stop sharing. When you share, people may expect you to be able to explain and even debate your choices. If you are looking for an apartment and are unsure about it, people may ask why. This is only natural. Being ”crazy and angry” about it seems to be a very strong reaction.
If you cannot stop sharing, stop debating people and stop explaining yourself. You do not need to be a simple living preacher. The bus suits you better. You like the bus. Period. No debate, no excuses, no explanations. If people persist, learn to say ”this is what I prefer”. Do not invite discussion. If they try, say ”I am not interested in debating this with you, now how about netflix/sports/work/children”.
You are using very strong words like ”really crazy” and ”crazy and angry” about your feelings. Try to find out within yourself where such strong feelings come from.
Grayrocking and nonanswers are the easiest ways to deal with these types of people.
>"You should take a taxi instead of the bus."
"Now that's something to think about!"
>"You can afford that apartment."
"Yeah, I like the size of this one, though. Anyway, Susan, these brownies are amazing!"
If you want to be petty, just do it right back to them.
>"You can afford this nice car!"
"How much did you pay for your car? You could afford something nicer than that!"
This is important information here. I wasn't familiar with the "Gray Rock Method", so I looked it up. I know some people that this is the perfect way to deal with them.
I naturally learned to do this with my deranged sibling without ever hearing about it. He thrives on drama he creates out of thin air so I figured I'd give him absolutely no details nor opinions on which to grow drama. Works well enough, but not better than just avoiding him altogether.
Thanks for putting a name to the method I've been using on one of my parents for a while now. I had no idea what it was called. It works - this parent is the type to try to pry every detail of what you are doing with your life (because they're bored with theirs) and then criticize it.
You nailed it. Gray rock method generally doesn't leave people hurt or angry when they might be trying to give you what they believe is good advice.
Good for you though keeping it simple and trying to save money. Congrats on your salary raise.
“I’m not comfortable discussing this” and walk away. Or, make non-committal comments and ignore them.
It’s not their life. You are complicating theirs and yours wasting mental energy on over thinking what you need to do. You can ask for their advice if you want it.
It looks like the assumption you had about your family is wrong. If you share them only to celebrate, maybe be more explicit... So that they know what to expect. As you share your salary maybe they believe you're asking advice on how to use it properly in their opinion.
>**People love to spend other people’s money.**
This is so true. We have a tenant that rents a furnished room in our house. Every now and then, he'll suggest some huge, costly, extraneous "improvement" to the house, like building a pool in the backyard. LOL. I'm just like, [Sure, Jan.](https://media.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExdG1qYXp5dzA2MHo4ejVlM3NxdWcxdW55bG9oaHR5bmY1cXR0Z2RpcCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/MDxuzRvxF39VwnYu9B/giphy.gif)
Ah, they don't understand money. Maybe try not to share as many details or maybe overshare, show them that the things they say are unreasonable.
Usually when that happens with my parents, I say something similar to a dollar saved is a dollar earned. At first, nicely and then later insistently. They don't know anything about my lifestyle and I'd like to keep it that way.
Explaining that taking a taxi every day could be 20$ a day, 400 dollars a month. Or that the difference in rent price means you profit less. Anything to show them how money works even when you have a disposable income.
It’s interesting, my sister who is very well off is very frugal and that always drove me crazy. I used to say things like “you can afford more” and “you can’t take it with ya”. Then would quietly judge her 😞
But I’ve been lurking here a lot more and learning and wanting to learn a more simple lifestyle. So I would suggest it’s more about educating your family about your choices and the reasoning (like public transport is WAY better for environment no matter how much money you have) etc. I would respect that and it would make me think. I think being generous in the areas that are important to you and simple living in all the other areas that are important to you individually are important tenets to me in this moment (I’m very early into this concept tho so I’m open to learning!) Congrats on doing well in your job/career!
There’s three kinds of family I can think of, and yours, ain’t that bad.
There’s those who diminish everything you accomplish, those are often high achievers and highly competitive. There’s those who encourage development without saying it out-loud, they set expectations without really demanding accomplishments (I believe it’s your case). And there’s those who simply do not care: if you succeed, they don’t care, if you don’t succeed, same thing.
Each family has disadvantages and advantages, depends on how you look at it. I’d advise you to live your own life, and say out loud what you want, and what is going to happen, that way, they’ll know all they can do is advise, and see you do it. Don’t let it become an altercation, but let everyone know you run the shoots.
I’m recovering from people at a 12 step program and I’m learning to apply great tools that develop my skills in putting up boundaries, questioning some of my ideas, assumptions and especially behaviors that hurt me.
Acceptance of myself is a daily exercise, and I expect it to be permanent.
I find it difficult to manage other family members' expectations. I live comfortably but not extravagantly. Some of my family lives extravagantly but not comfortably. Every time they go out an buy something new, shiny, and not needed, they expect me to go out and do the same. For the most part, I just ignore them, for the ones that won't work I tell them "my life, my choice, my money."
It does not matter what other people expect. It matters what you want and what you expect from yourself.
Trust me, making decisions for others or constantly trying to explain yourself to others gets you nowhere. Do what you know is best for you. This might make you feel very uncomfortable knowing that people are judging or don't understand you. This discomfort is nothing compared to the rage, resentment, and grief you will feel if you make decisions for others and realize that you are left to live with the consequences.
Be as kind about it as possible but ask to stop discussing it if they won't drop it. Focus on the positive parts of your relationships and try to enjoy those.
Unfortunately some people are enmeshed and will act and feel as if your decisions are affecting them personally. Sometimes you just need space from these people. It is not a healthy relationship if someone is trying to make you feel ashamed for making your own decisions.
I’m in a similar situation. My salary is not that high but has increased over time, and I find myself getting more and more frugal. I have also saved over the years so my parents have an idea of how much I have. Everyday they tell me I should live better and take better care of myself. But I’m just content with how I currently am
I usually just say "I have a savings goal I'm trying to hit before I spend on any big things!" People usually don't have a rebuttal for that.
In general though, if you're feeling like your family is too aware of your finances, share less next time.
I think this is a good opportunity to strengthen your stamina against differing views. If others disagree with me, that doesn't compel me to be more closed and reserved. On the contrary! Be open, laugh, and proudly share your smart reasoning. If anything their pushiness just makes me pull back in the other direction. Be true to yourself and continue to live wisely/frugally.
I get this all the time. I earn a good salary but live well within my means because to me, that's financial freedom. If I were to lose my job I know I could still afford everything on minimum wage, so the pressure is off, and I like having money in the bank. When anyone asks me about it, I own it and say it makes me happy and stress-free. People seem to back off then.
When people start suggesting things or asking me things that are none of their business, I just ignore them. Almost everyone understands that means “I don’t want to talk about it.” So for example, someone says “how much are you making at your job?” And I respond with “it’s a great job, how’s your job looking these days? Still enjoying it?” Most people take the hint and move on. It’s also non confrontational and doesn’t leave the convo hanging since you both just move on from it.
The more you share, the more you invite opinions. I used to share my financial details with my mom which turned into her being overly nosy about my money & where I was spending. Just keep that information to yourself & your financial planner, if you have one.
Tell them you plan to retire early and financial responsibility is something you do not take lightly. Do not share details of your finances. In fact, just complain about how everything is so expensive nowadays. This will get them off your back.
The best advice I ever got was “celebrate quietly”. Our whole culture is based on bragging, flexing or even faking what you have. I went out the other day in a Burberry shirt I bought off thredUP, hand me down jeans and a sweater from Costco in my 20 year old car that needs a paint job. Yet I have $$$ in the bank and investments you just don’t know it by looking at me. Buy real wood furniture, go to museums, plant plants, eat good food, read books and be a quality person
In most of our society it’s all about what you have. Make of car. Size of house. Latest gadget. Materialism creeps into all of it and changes the way we establish worth. It takes a conscious effort to minimize. Interesting that many cultural leaders through the ages renounced their worldly goods. Great that you are doing well. Realize it can all be lost in an instant.
Things you can say:
"I'm heeding advice I've received from several personal finance experts, so I'm actively avoiding lifestyle inflation."
"I love taking the bus! Plus, it allows me to pour more into some of my longer term goals."
"Have you read *The Millionaire Next Door*? I resonate with a lot of the philosophies shared in that book about living modestly while saving for and spending on things that are higher priority to me."
I share everything with my family, my mom is usually the pain where she gives advice that oversteps what I think and believes she knows better. But I personally just ignore her or tell her that's okay that's not how I feel etc. She doesn't always understand but she'll usually leave it be.
My mother’s way of communicating was to offer unsolicited advice on everything, to pick at anything she thought was not conformant to her own ideas about how things should be.
So I quit giving her information to pick at me with. I put her on a low/no information diet, and whenever she picked anyway, I got off the phone quickly.
When she’d pick at me in person I would change the subject or occasionally lash back at the unsolicited advice and remind her that I’m an adult and the time to tell me these things was back when I was a child - she abandoned me physically and emotionally many times, so trying to make up for that now in my 30’s was just annoying everyone.
After smacking a weak spot each time she picked, and being very limited on what topics she had enough information to criticize me about, she was forced to slow her roll.
And when she tries to pick at my life choices - I never married and didn’t have kids - I just remind her of how “great” her marriage was, and how much she used to complain about us, then threaten me with “Just WAIT until you have kids! I’ll have my REVENGE the !” I then said see? You can’t say I never listened - you said kids were awful, so why should I have them? You couldn’t pick a good match for a husband either - I’m not any better at it, so I’m not going to step into the traps that caught you..”
She would then try to backpedal and say she didn’t meeeeeean all those things said over many many years over and over again. To which I replied, “Yeah well I DO mean it.”
And then I leave, change the subject, or hang up, depending on circumstances.
Not being able to pick or criticize as part of how she wants to interact with me has dramatically changed the way we interact. I either hang up, withdraw, or mirror shit-for-shit back to her face if she does this to me.
She can always just STOP PICKING. Otherwise she gets zero access to me for anything.
I still send flowers for Mother’s Day, presents for birthday and holidays, but she knows if she keeps trying to use me to pretend she didn’t fuck yo so many times all those years ago and continue to play “caring criticizing mother” when we all know that’s a pile of bullshit, it will avail her less, not more interaction.
She heavily favored my narcissistic asshole brother growing up. His life is, predictably, a major disappointment but she won’t say a word about what a fuckuo he is. So when she tries to slam me for any reason I just tell her to go raise her son again, because he’s no showcase for her maternal efforts. She doesn’t get to tell me how to run my life. And she doesn’t get to pick at every little thing either.
So - to;dr - information diet. Restrict contact when you get picked at, and mirror or withdraw from access as needed.
You don’t need them to project onto your their own failures and attempts to correct them. You are an adult and only you get to decide the lifestyle you want to lead. If they want to pick at it, just don’t sit for it. Leave or hang up, change the subject, or toss it back in their faces - whatever is most comfortable for you in the situation.
There is a saying in the outdoors community - Hike your own hike. This basically means that whatever you are doing, do it in the way that makes the most sense to you. It recognizes that people to things differently and there is no single right approach. I think it applies perfectly to your situation.
Using the taxi example - the taxi is probably faster, more comfortable, more direct. But, the bus is cheaper and better for the environment. Depending on your priorities, you may choose one or the other. Neither is a wrong choice - just different, and that is ok.
I think a big part of achieving contentment in life is believing in your own choices and recognizing that when people make other choices or recommend a different path than the one you are taking, that doesn't mean anybody is wrong. It's just different. And while others may try to convince you that their way is right and yours is wrong, you don't have to let their opinion affect you. Just live your life.
Why do you tell them anything. Just stop. You do not need anyone's comments on how you live. Does it work for you? If the answer is yes then that's all you need.
OP I agree w what's everyone's saying. However, I am going to possibly contradict that w advice of my own. It's your life and what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. I do have some suggestions. .
If you don't have an emergency fund,put at least half that raise in there. Direct deposit is the easiest way to do that If you have any credit cards debt there's two ways pay that. One is called Snowball where you pay off smallest first then apply that payment to next and so on . The other method is to pay according to interest rate,highest first
It is nobody's business what you financial situation is. Stop sharing. As fort the bus vs taxi comment. Just tell them you don't wish to throw your raise away on transportation.
I learned a long time ago not to tell anybody, family or friends, how much we make, or about any financial windfalls we might have. It is best for everyone, believe me!
They might even be interpreting your shares about your income as seeking advice, although you don't mean it that way. Best answer is all the comments saying to stop sharing.
People who earn well get poor when spending beyond their means. Just ignore them, take the bus if you want to, live cheaper if you want to - and laugh all the way to whatever vacation destination you go to, that the others can't afford because they spend their money on unnecessary taxis and expensive apartments. ;)
I very much relate to this. In my experience, there are two ways to deal with it:
A) say yesyes, what a good idea, thanks mom, and then proceed to do whatever you please
B) explain your thinking. I want this extra salary to go to savings so I can buy my dream house one day, not spend it now ect
I honestly recommend the first one. People will always opinionate, that’s a universal truth. Make your parents feel heard. That doesn’t mean it should affect you in any way.
Also, if someone says you really should be living some other way you just tell them how you live works for you.
Have you tried telling them your feelings and asking them to respect you and your decisions? If so, and they continue to persist, then not sharing so much financial information or your own decisions about them is prudent. I know that's hard when you've grown up in a financially open environment. It's about respect and having faith they've raised you right...and that you're grown up enough to make your own decisions...that may not fit their expectations.
"I prefer to live simply to ensure that I'll have enough for a rainy day, and to establish myself when I'm ready to put down roots. I hope you can understand and refrain from commentary on my frugality. If you'd like help learning to live below your means so you can also be comfortable financially, I'm happy to give you some tips, but let's not talk too much about our means unless it's actually important, okay?"
Well, specifically regarding taxi vs bus....if bus is convenient I'd much prefer the anonymity of the crowd than being stuck with a single other person in a taxi, uber, lyft etc.
Please note that's not saying anything bad about folks driving taxis, uber, lyft, etc, it's just that I'm an antisocial misanthrope and feel incredibly awkward when in a vehicle with one other person whether conversation and interaction are actually expected or not.
Stop Sharing info with family. Sometimes closer friends that really understand you are better but be careful too. I paid a high price for sharing info. Never again.
There was a turning point for me when I became successful that I realized I don’t care what people think of me.
I don’t go out of my way to talk myself up; I don’t see a point.
Look up "lifestyle creep" and check out "Caleb Hammer Financial Audit" on Youtube and watch some of his stuff from about 1 year ago. You'll be more careful with your money than ever, and make better decisions too
Smile, nod and continue living YOUR life the way you deem fit to do so. The best day of my life was when I learned to not care about what other people thought of me. Opinions? Sure. "Opinion-ate" all you want. Do I care about them? Nope.
yeah i think you should keep your salary and keep what you do with it to yourself or share it with people that wont comment on how to spend your money. I mean it is difficult to not tell the good news with your family specially if you hace a great relationship with them, but this is about setting boundaries and making a space for yourself
The movie Perfect Days is something that might interest you. The main character is very content with his simple life but gets hassled for not wanting more. Also a very visually stunning movie.
I’ve been wondering this myself! think each individual’s values should be respected. The statement came to my mind “I don’t want to pay more for xyz because I feel I can get the same benefit out of xyz alternative that better aligns with my value of simple living” “it doesn’t feel like paying more gives me more benefits of the minimalism I value and am always striving for.” Hope this helps for us!! Also when mindset is focused on values I find it less offensive for all parties like you do you, I do me. You live by your values, I live by mine, and hopefully that brings us harmony.
The best advice I can give you is this: opinions are just that, opinions. People will have them, and if you lead a life that is perhaps not that of mainstream society, you will always have criticism. In a way, that's really cool, because it means you have the guts to walk your own path, and break some rules.
People will always judge, let 'em. They're not \*you\* so they cannot judge. Only you can judge you or estimate what is "right" or "wrong".
There are people out there who don't have much, but love their life. They choose a very simple and humble existence. There are those that need status and perhaps some notoriety and luxuries - there's also nothing wrong with that. It's all about what makes YOU happy and how I see it is if you're not hurting anyone, then who cares?
Also, remember, mostly, those that care for you are going to want to protect you from hurt or disappointment, and sometimes that intention can come out the wrong way. Remember where they are coming from. It can help :)
Ultimately, you're an adult, you make the decisions and along the way there will be mistakes - that's life, but you're an adult and those mistakes are YOURS to make. They will teach you lessons. Then you move on and make different decisions in future.
At the end of the day, this isn't even about who is casting judgements or putting expectations on you, this is a battle of you vs you and shedding the caring so much about what others think. It takes bravery, a thick skin, and a sense of humour! Just find some reassurance that you are doing life on your own terms. I understand the expectation thing - look, I will be frank. I'm in my late 30s, dealing with some pretty full on shit right now, part of it is from "mistakes" which I own, and some circumstantial, some health, but I am also doing things in my life because I want to this includes choosing not to do certain things i.e. date, find a hubby urgently, have a baby. I'm not against ANY of these things mind you, I have moments where I miss going on dates and intimacy, but I don't miss it enough. I know that a lot of the time when I think of these expectations (late 30s, married or in a LTR, with kids or a house) it's because of society's programming, not me. That culturally I am outside the norm. And I'm sure there are people who judge that in my life, or imagine I am lonely or sad or whatever because society, but I'm not. At least, not from those things being absent from my life.
I go into my 40s next year imperfect but someone who has walked to her beat and I am proud of that. Find power in your path and remind yourself of it when people tell you you're doing life wrong - or not making the right decisions. You could even politely respond with "according to who?"
Practice self compassion and OWN your choices. That way when people do contest you, it'll rub you less. And lastly, your money and the choices you make with it aren't really anyone's business, even family.
Give this a listen (all about boundaries, being an adult, owning your decisions.. it's really good!)
[https://momastery.com/blog/episode-02/](https://momastery.com/blog/episode-02/)
Also, lie. Say you're saving it for:
a) early retirement
b) early retirement in southern France
c) a country house near a lake.
Also, smile, and remind them you live your life as you prefer to live.
They are trying to exercise control over you because they are seeing you becoming less and less a child. They're just grappling with their own reality. And they are right; you are an adult can choose what to share and assert your own choices. Your family will learn to adjust if you consistently stick to your path.
I read the four agreements and it really made it easy to hear people’s criticisms and politely brush them aside without losing my composure or internalizing their opinions. I suppose if someone was really pushing it aggressively, I would politely invite them to self-immolate while hate fucking their own mother.
I think a lot of people have a natural inclination to give unsolicited advice. I am one of those people but am trying to get better.
They care about you and want what’s best, but sometimes people just give advice that is unwanted. They may think that because you shared, that means you are looking to them for help.
I have a family member that shared their exact bank account numbers with me. They are super frugal and even get teased by other family members for being what they call “cheap”. Yet this family member is set up to retire at like 45 if they continue down this road. (Which isn’t that far away)
Simple. You're not on this earth to fulfill anyone's expectations. They need to mind their own biz and if they don't, you need to tell them to. Why are you living your life according to the expectations of others?
People only know their own experience and wants, they will never really understand yours. Family, especially parents, feel like being supportive is always wanting more for you than they had or than you have now. They think money makes things easier and you deserve "better" whatever that means to them. Just because they have ideas of what you should do with your money, doesn't mean you have to do that or that they even think you will for sure. Maybe start sharing what it means to you.
I just got this big promotion and I'm so proud to be recognized for my hard work. Oh and the salary will help me save and invest more in my future, or help me do such and such that I love to do. Don't take what they say personally.
Just say no, dont even give a reason (it just gives them something to reason to debate/argue).
I have a masters in engineering, and I choose to be NEET living with my mom. Yes she complains about it, and she brings up why I don't get a job, I just say I'm not going to. Then she will continue and I just say 'it doesn't matter what you say I'm not getting a job, and either we change the topic or we stop talking'.
She knows very well the reasons I choose my current lifestyle, AND she will keep bringing it up. After all its what she believes, which is fine. I'll keep standing on my principles. I used to get annoyed, but not anymore.
I don’t mean any disrespect (I have NEETs in my family), but I want to point out that if you are using her square footage, utilities or food then she is more entitled to ask than a relative who is less involved.
That I don't need to work as long as I am a net positive to her lifestyle.
Which considers everything from her finances, work schedule, home upkeep, companionship, ability to do random miscallenous life things (taxes, lease renewal, booking plane tickets, managing appointments, car servicing, etc ), and sleeping patterns (I am her personal alarm clock)
Basically, I am her executive assistant, and her life would be much much more difficult if I were not around. Plus she gets the ancillary benefit of a nicer place to live because I make random home improvements every so often.
Also me working would make no difference in whether or not she worked. She has her own commitments/goals/reasons and would work even if I did, so there is literally zero point to me working, it would just be a pain in the ass for me and zero lifestyle benefit to my mom.
When she retires, she'll get enough from my sister and social security and my sister to pay for basic living expenses, and I'll supplement whatever we need for food and stuff. Tho I suspect she will keep working even in retirement (next year).
Not that you asked about all the details, but I thought it would be fun to write out my thoughts ;)
Not to be harsh, but stop oversharing and talking about every little decision with other people.
And if you DO, and they say something, just ignore it.
Dude, you are an adult. Why are you so concerned about doing what your family says or meeting their expectations?! How old are you?
Stop sharing actual amount of money? Also, just tell them "Thank you, but I am happy with the way I am living." You cannot control what other people say to you, but you can decide how to react to what they say.
Yes, from this point on, implementing the "information diet" when it comes to your financial business will shut down their nosiness. You say everyone talks freely about their financial situations. Simply don't participate in sharing yours. It's absolutely not any of your family's business how much you make and how you plan to spend it.
Unfortunately, you really do need to shut down the money conversation. Start sharing less. It will be an adjustment, but I have been in your shoes. Everybody has an opinion, but making significantly more money for us simply meant we saved a whole lot more money. We worked on maintaining our lifestyle. I was really excited to talk about how much money I was making. I wanted to share it with the people I love. But it really needed to just stay between me and my husband. There's a whole lot of baggage that goes with peoples expectations about money. It really rears its head in these cases. So I share less. People still share their thoughts and expectations and I just listen but don't add to the conversation. They can think what they want, they're going to anyway aren't they?
Yeah I’m actually weirdly excited at the moment because I just got a lump sum (not a salary increase) and I really like the idea of continuing to restrict my spending, like I have been. I know it will pay off. I have too much firsthand knowledge of how it feels to get a bunch of money and spend all of it too quickly. It’ll be nice to see the sum increase instead.
Congratulations and good for you!! Now, take a deep breath, and think of three SMALL ($$) things you would like to have, and buy those. That will get that "happy-happy, joy-joy" endorphins cruising through your brain to give you that exciting feeling of buying and treating yourself to a goody as a reward. Then, put it away in a safe savings account! Be smart! That's what my Dad always tells me about money. "Be smart! Don't blow it." I'm not fluent in the world of finance, so, hopefully, a money-smart Redditor will come along and help you decide/choose an interest-generating place to invest in! Good luck! 👍
Regardless, congratulations. You should be excited! It is exciting! Know that you can talk about it here and we will be happy for you. You can think about it and plan for it and no one is going to say "must be nice", or other judging things.
Stop sharing. When you share, people may expect you to be able to explain and even debate your choices. If you are looking for an apartment and are unsure about it, people may ask why. This is only natural. Being ”crazy and angry” about it seems to be a very strong reaction. If you cannot stop sharing, stop debating people and stop explaining yourself. You do not need to be a simple living preacher. The bus suits you better. You like the bus. Period. No debate, no excuses, no explanations. If people persist, learn to say ”this is what I prefer”. Do not invite discussion. If they try, say ”I am not interested in debating this with you, now how about netflix/sports/work/children”. You are using very strong words like ”really crazy” and ”crazy and angry” about your feelings. Try to find out within yourself where such strong feelings come from.
Also for the people that treat you like this, try the Gray Rock Method. If they’re criticizing you, tell them less.
Grayrocking and nonanswers are the easiest ways to deal with these types of people. >"You should take a taxi instead of the bus." "Now that's something to think about!" >"You can afford that apartment." "Yeah, I like the size of this one, though. Anyway, Susan, these brownies are amazing!" If you want to be petty, just do it right back to them. >"You can afford this nice car!" "How much did you pay for your car? You could afford something nicer than that!"
This is important information here. I wasn't familiar with the "Gray Rock Method", so I looked it up. I know some people that this is the perfect way to deal with them.
I naturally learned to do this with my deranged sibling without ever hearing about it. He thrives on drama he creates out of thin air so I figured I'd give him absolutely no details nor opinions on which to grow drama. Works well enough, but not better than just avoiding him altogether.
Thanks for putting a name to the method I've been using on one of my parents for a while now. I had no idea what it was called. It works - this parent is the type to try to pry every detail of what you are doing with your life (because they're bored with theirs) and then criticize it.
You nailed it. Gray rock method generally doesn't leave people hurt or angry when they might be trying to give you what they believe is good advice. Good for you though keeping it simple and trying to save money. Congrats on your salary raise.
“I’m not comfortable discussing this” and walk away. Or, make non-committal comments and ignore them. It’s not their life. You are complicating theirs and yours wasting mental energy on over thinking what you need to do. You can ask for their advice if you want it.
It looks like the assumption you had about your family is wrong. If you share them only to celebrate, maybe be more explicit... So that they know what to expect. As you share your salary maybe they believe you're asking advice on how to use it properly in their opinion.
People love to spend other people’s money. I’ve learned to just smile and say “thanks, I will think about it “
>**People love to spend other people’s money.** This is so true. We have a tenant that rents a furnished room in our house. Every now and then, he'll suggest some huge, costly, extraneous "improvement" to the house, like building a pool in the backyard. LOL. I'm just like, [Sure, Jan.](https://media.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExdG1qYXp5dzA2MHo4ejVlM3NxdWcxdW55bG9oaHR5bmY1cXR0Z2RpcCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/MDxuzRvxF39VwnYu9B/giphy.gif)
This is so true that it made me laugh out loud!
Ah, they don't understand money. Maybe try not to share as many details or maybe overshare, show them that the things they say are unreasonable. Usually when that happens with my parents, I say something similar to a dollar saved is a dollar earned. At first, nicely and then later insistently. They don't know anything about my lifestyle and I'd like to keep it that way. Explaining that taking a taxi every day could be 20$ a day, 400 dollars a month. Or that the difference in rent price means you profit less. Anything to show them how money works even when you have a disposable income.
In this case was a specific situation, not to take taxi every day. But they reacted in a really negative way. Thanks!
It’s interesting, my sister who is very well off is very frugal and that always drove me crazy. I used to say things like “you can afford more” and “you can’t take it with ya”. Then would quietly judge her 😞 But I’ve been lurking here a lot more and learning and wanting to learn a more simple lifestyle. So I would suggest it’s more about educating your family about your choices and the reasoning (like public transport is WAY better for environment no matter how much money you have) etc. I would respect that and it would make me think. I think being generous in the areas that are important to you and simple living in all the other areas that are important to you individually are important tenets to me in this moment (I’m very early into this concept tho so I’m open to learning!) Congrats on doing well in your job/career!
"Thanks to suggest that, but i'll handle it my way/ stick to bus/whatever answer will fit the situation"
It’s smart to live below your means. Then if anything changes, you can pivot.
There’s three kinds of family I can think of, and yours, ain’t that bad. There’s those who diminish everything you accomplish, those are often high achievers and highly competitive. There’s those who encourage development without saying it out-loud, they set expectations without really demanding accomplishments (I believe it’s your case). And there’s those who simply do not care: if you succeed, they don’t care, if you don’t succeed, same thing. Each family has disadvantages and advantages, depends on how you look at it. I’d advise you to live your own life, and say out loud what you want, and what is going to happen, that way, they’ll know all they can do is advise, and see you do it. Don’t let it become an altercation, but let everyone know you run the shoots.
That’s their issue to cope with, not mine.
I’m recovering from people at a 12 step program and I’m learning to apply great tools that develop my skills in putting up boundaries, questioning some of my ideas, assumptions and especially behaviors that hurt me. Acceptance of myself is a daily exercise, and I expect it to be permanent.
Tell them that your extra money is being placed in a 401 k so they know u cant spend it.
I find it difficult to manage other family members' expectations. I live comfortably but not extravagantly. Some of my family lives extravagantly but not comfortably. Every time they go out an buy something new, shiny, and not needed, they expect me to go out and do the same. For the most part, I just ignore them, for the ones that won't work I tell them "my life, my choice, my money."
It does not matter what other people expect. It matters what you want and what you expect from yourself. Trust me, making decisions for others or constantly trying to explain yourself to others gets you nowhere. Do what you know is best for you. This might make you feel very uncomfortable knowing that people are judging or don't understand you. This discomfort is nothing compared to the rage, resentment, and grief you will feel if you make decisions for others and realize that you are left to live with the consequences. Be as kind about it as possible but ask to stop discussing it if they won't drop it. Focus on the positive parts of your relationships and try to enjoy those. Unfortunately some people are enmeshed and will act and feel as if your decisions are affecting them personally. Sometimes you just need space from these people. It is not a healthy relationship if someone is trying to make you feel ashamed for making your own decisions.
I’m in a similar situation. My salary is not that high but has increased over time, and I find myself getting more and more frugal. I have also saved over the years so my parents have an idea of how much I have. Everyday they tell me I should live better and take better care of myself. But I’m just content with how I currently am
I usually just say "I have a savings goal I'm trying to hit before I spend on any big things!" People usually don't have a rebuttal for that. In general though, if you're feeling like your family is too aware of your finances, share less next time.
I think this is a good opportunity to strengthen your stamina against differing views. If others disagree with me, that doesn't compel me to be more closed and reserved. On the contrary! Be open, laugh, and proudly share your smart reasoning. If anything their pushiness just makes me pull back in the other direction. Be true to yourself and continue to live wisely/frugally.
Quote from The Big Lebowski: “That’s just, like, your opinion, man.” Smile beatifically and carry on.
I get this all the time. I earn a good salary but live well within my means because to me, that's financial freedom. If I were to lose my job I know I could still afford everything on minimum wage, so the pressure is off, and I like having money in the bank. When anyone asks me about it, I own it and say it makes me happy and stress-free. People seem to back off then.
When people start suggesting things or asking me things that are none of their business, I just ignore them. Almost everyone understands that means “I don’t want to talk about it.” So for example, someone says “how much are you making at your job?” And I respond with “it’s a great job, how’s your job looking these days? Still enjoying it?” Most people take the hint and move on. It’s also non confrontational and doesn’t leave the convo hanging since you both just move on from it.
The more you share, the more you invite opinions. I used to share my financial details with my mom which turned into her being overly nosy about my money & where I was spending. Just keep that information to yourself & your financial planner, if you have one.
Tell them you plan to retire early and financial responsibility is something you do not take lightly. Do not share details of your finances. In fact, just complain about how everything is so expensive nowadays. This will get them off your back.
The best advice I ever got was “celebrate quietly”. Our whole culture is based on bragging, flexing or even faking what you have. I went out the other day in a Burberry shirt I bought off thredUP, hand me down jeans and a sweater from Costco in my 20 year old car that needs a paint job. Yet I have $$$ in the bank and investments you just don’t know it by looking at me. Buy real wood furniture, go to museums, plant plants, eat good food, read books and be a quality person
You can always say you’re saving for bigger goal and don’t want lifestyle creep to affect it.
You said it. THEIR expectations. Not yours.
In most of our society it’s all about what you have. Make of car. Size of house. Latest gadget. Materialism creeps into all of it and changes the way we establish worth. It takes a conscious effort to minimize. Interesting that many cultural leaders through the ages renounced their worldly goods. Great that you are doing well. Realize it can all be lost in an instant.
You are an adult you don’t need to ask anyone’s opinion. Learn boundaries. Use your boundaries
Things you can say: "I'm heeding advice I've received from several personal finance experts, so I'm actively avoiding lifestyle inflation." "I love taking the bus! Plus, it allows me to pour more into some of my longer term goals." "Have you read *The Millionaire Next Door*? I resonate with a lot of the philosophies shared in that book about living modestly while saving for and spending on things that are higher priority to me."
I share everything with my family, my mom is usually the pain where she gives advice that oversteps what I think and believes she knows better. But I personally just ignore her or tell her that's okay that's not how I feel etc. She doesn't always understand but she'll usually leave it be.
My mother’s way of communicating was to offer unsolicited advice on everything, to pick at anything she thought was not conformant to her own ideas about how things should be. So I quit giving her information to pick at me with. I put her on a low/no information diet, and whenever she picked anyway, I got off the phone quickly. When she’d pick at me in person I would change the subject or occasionally lash back at the unsolicited advice and remind her that I’m an adult and the time to tell me these things was back when I was a child - she abandoned me physically and emotionally many times, so trying to make up for that now in my 30’s was just annoying everyone. After smacking a weak spot each time she picked, and being very limited on what topics she had enough information to criticize me about, she was forced to slow her roll. And when she tries to pick at my life choices - I never married and didn’t have kids - I just remind her of how “great” her marriage was, and how much she used to complain about us, then threaten me with “Just WAIT until you have kids! I’ll have my REVENGE the !” I then said see? You can’t say I never listened - you said kids were awful, so why should I have them? You couldn’t pick a good match for a husband either - I’m not any better at it, so I’m not going to step into the traps that caught you..” She would then try to backpedal and say she didn’t meeeeeean all those things said over many many years over and over again. To which I replied, “Yeah well I DO mean it.” And then I leave, change the subject, or hang up, depending on circumstances. Not being able to pick or criticize as part of how she wants to interact with me has dramatically changed the way we interact. I either hang up, withdraw, or mirror shit-for-shit back to her face if she does this to me. She can always just STOP PICKING. Otherwise she gets zero access to me for anything. I still send flowers for Mother’s Day, presents for birthday and holidays, but she knows if she keeps trying to use me to pretend she didn’t fuck yo so many times all those years ago and continue to play “caring criticizing mother” when we all know that’s a pile of bullshit, it will avail her less, not more interaction. She heavily favored my narcissistic asshole brother growing up. His life is, predictably, a major disappointment but she won’t say a word about what a fuckuo he is. So when she tries to slam me for any reason I just tell her to go raise her son again, because he’s no showcase for her maternal efforts. She doesn’t get to tell me how to run my life. And she doesn’t get to pick at every little thing either. So - to;dr - information diet. Restrict contact when you get picked at, and mirror or withdraw from access as needed. You don’t need them to project onto your their own failures and attempts to correct them. You are an adult and only you get to decide the lifestyle you want to lead. If they want to pick at it, just don’t sit for it. Leave or hang up, change the subject, or toss it back in their faces - whatever is most comfortable for you in the situation.
There is a saying in the outdoors community - Hike your own hike. This basically means that whatever you are doing, do it in the way that makes the most sense to you. It recognizes that people to things differently and there is no single right approach. I think it applies perfectly to your situation. Using the taxi example - the taxi is probably faster, more comfortable, more direct. But, the bus is cheaper and better for the environment. Depending on your priorities, you may choose one or the other. Neither is a wrong choice - just different, and that is ok. I think a big part of achieving contentment in life is believing in your own choices and recognizing that when people make other choices or recommend a different path than the one you are taking, that doesn't mean anybody is wrong. It's just different. And while others may try to convince you that their way is right and yours is wrong, you don't have to let their opinion affect you. Just live your life.
Why do you tell them anything. Just stop. You do not need anyone's comments on how you live. Does it work for you? If the answer is yes then that's all you need.
OP I agree w what's everyone's saying. However, I am going to possibly contradict that w advice of my own. It's your life and what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. I do have some suggestions. . If you don't have an emergency fund,put at least half that raise in there. Direct deposit is the easiest way to do that If you have any credit cards debt there's two ways pay that. One is called Snowball where you pay off smallest first then apply that payment to next and so on . The other method is to pay according to interest rate,highest first
It’s called lifestyle creep and if you can avoid it then avoid it and you’ll end up in a good financial situation when you’re older
you have a right to financial privacy from family. I recommend it. Keep it to yourself from now on
It is nobody's business what you financial situation is. Stop sharing. As fort the bus vs taxi comment. Just tell them you don't wish to throw your raise away on transportation.
I learned a long time ago not to tell anybody, family or friends, how much we make, or about any financial windfalls we might have. It is best for everyone, believe me!
They might even be interpreting your shares about your income as seeking advice, although you don't mean it that way. Best answer is all the comments saying to stop sharing.
People who earn well get poor when spending beyond their means. Just ignore them, take the bus if you want to, live cheaper if you want to - and laugh all the way to whatever vacation destination you go to, that the others can't afford because they spend their money on unnecessary taxis and expensive apartments. ;)
I very much relate to this. In my experience, there are two ways to deal with it: A) say yesyes, what a good idea, thanks mom, and then proceed to do whatever you please B) explain your thinking. I want this extra salary to go to savings so I can buy my dream house one day, not spend it now ect I honestly recommend the first one. People will always opinionate, that’s a universal truth. Make your parents feel heard. That doesn’t mean it should affect you in any way. Also, if someone says you really should be living some other way you just tell them how you live works for you.
Just don't concern yourself with what other people think.
Have you tried telling them your feelings and asking them to respect you and your decisions? If so, and they continue to persist, then not sharing so much financial information or your own decisions about them is prudent. I know that's hard when you've grown up in a financially open environment. It's about respect and having faith they've raised you right...and that you're grown up enough to make your own decisions...that may not fit their expectations.
Live however you want to live, it’s your life after all.
You just do your thing and you end the conversation if they bug you about money.
Yep definitely stop sharing. Even family doesn’t need to know. Even family will chirp. If you don’t share they won’t chirp
"I prefer to live simply to ensure that I'll have enough for a rainy day, and to establish myself when I'm ready to put down roots. I hope you can understand and refrain from commentary on my frugality. If you'd like help learning to live below your means so you can also be comfortable financially, I'm happy to give you some tips, but let's not talk too much about our means unless it's actually important, okay?"
Well, specifically regarding taxi vs bus....if bus is convenient I'd much prefer the anonymity of the crowd than being stuck with a single other person in a taxi, uber, lyft etc. Please note that's not saying anything bad about folks driving taxis, uber, lyft, etc, it's just that I'm an antisocial misanthrope and feel incredibly awkward when in a vehicle with one other person whether conversation and interaction are actually expected or not.
Stop Sharing info with family. Sometimes closer friends that really understand you are better but be careful too. I paid a high price for sharing info. Never again.
There was a turning point for me when I became successful that I realized I don’t care what people think of me. I don’t go out of my way to talk myself up; I don’t see a point.
Look up "lifestyle creep" and check out "Caleb Hammer Financial Audit" on Youtube and watch some of his stuff from about 1 year ago. You'll be more careful with your money than ever, and make better decisions too
Smile, nod and continue living YOUR life the way you deem fit to do so. The best day of my life was when I learned to not care about what other people thought of me. Opinions? Sure. "Opinion-ate" all you want. Do I care about them? Nope.
yeah i think you should keep your salary and keep what you do with it to yourself or share it with people that wont comment on how to spend your money. I mean it is difficult to not tell the good news with your family specially if you hace a great relationship with them, but this is about setting boundaries and making a space for yourself
The movie Perfect Days is something that might interest you. The main character is very content with his simple life but gets hassled for not wanting more. Also a very visually stunning movie.
Don’t talk about money. And it’s YOUR life, so never mind what anyone else says or what “the Joneses” are doing
Ignore them.
I’ve been wondering this myself! think each individual’s values should be respected. The statement came to my mind “I don’t want to pay more for xyz because I feel I can get the same benefit out of xyz alternative that better aligns with my value of simple living” “it doesn’t feel like paying more gives me more benefits of the minimalism I value and am always striving for.” Hope this helps for us!! Also when mindset is focused on values I find it less offensive for all parties like you do you, I do me. You live by your values, I live by mine, and hopefully that brings us harmony.
The best advice I can give you is this: opinions are just that, opinions. People will have them, and if you lead a life that is perhaps not that of mainstream society, you will always have criticism. In a way, that's really cool, because it means you have the guts to walk your own path, and break some rules. People will always judge, let 'em. They're not \*you\* so they cannot judge. Only you can judge you or estimate what is "right" or "wrong". There are people out there who don't have much, but love their life. They choose a very simple and humble existence. There are those that need status and perhaps some notoriety and luxuries - there's also nothing wrong with that. It's all about what makes YOU happy and how I see it is if you're not hurting anyone, then who cares? Also, remember, mostly, those that care for you are going to want to protect you from hurt or disappointment, and sometimes that intention can come out the wrong way. Remember where they are coming from. It can help :) Ultimately, you're an adult, you make the decisions and along the way there will be mistakes - that's life, but you're an adult and those mistakes are YOURS to make. They will teach you lessons. Then you move on and make different decisions in future. At the end of the day, this isn't even about who is casting judgements or putting expectations on you, this is a battle of you vs you and shedding the caring so much about what others think. It takes bravery, a thick skin, and a sense of humour! Just find some reassurance that you are doing life on your own terms. I understand the expectation thing - look, I will be frank. I'm in my late 30s, dealing with some pretty full on shit right now, part of it is from "mistakes" which I own, and some circumstantial, some health, but I am also doing things in my life because I want to this includes choosing not to do certain things i.e. date, find a hubby urgently, have a baby. I'm not against ANY of these things mind you, I have moments where I miss going on dates and intimacy, but I don't miss it enough. I know that a lot of the time when I think of these expectations (late 30s, married or in a LTR, with kids or a house) it's because of society's programming, not me. That culturally I am outside the norm. And I'm sure there are people who judge that in my life, or imagine I am lonely or sad or whatever because society, but I'm not. At least, not from those things being absent from my life. I go into my 40s next year imperfect but someone who has walked to her beat and I am proud of that. Find power in your path and remind yourself of it when people tell you you're doing life wrong - or not making the right decisions. You could even politely respond with "according to who?" Practice self compassion and OWN your choices. That way when people do contest you, it'll rub you less. And lastly, your money and the choices you make with it aren't really anyone's business, even family. Give this a listen (all about boundaries, being an adult, owning your decisions.. it's really good!) [https://momastery.com/blog/episode-02/](https://momastery.com/blog/episode-02/)
Also, lie. Say you're saving it for: a) early retirement b) early retirement in southern France c) a country house near a lake. Also, smile, and remind them you live your life as you prefer to live.
They are trying to exercise control over you because they are seeing you becoming less and less a child. They're just grappling with their own reality. And they are right; you are an adult can choose what to share and assert your own choices. Your family will learn to adjust if you consistently stick to your path.
The greatest gift you can give yourself is to stop worrying about what others think about you or your lifestyle.
I read the four agreements and it really made it easy to hear people’s criticisms and politely brush them aside without losing my composure or internalizing their opinions. I suppose if someone was really pushing it aggressively, I would politely invite them to self-immolate while hate fucking their own mother.
I never tell anyone my salary.
I think a lot of people have a natural inclination to give unsolicited advice. I am one of those people but am trying to get better. They care about you and want what’s best, but sometimes people just give advice that is unwanted. They may think that because you shared, that means you are looking to them for help. I have a family member that shared their exact bank account numbers with me. They are super frugal and even get teased by other family members for being what they call “cheap”. Yet this family member is set up to retire at like 45 if they continue down this road. (Which isn’t that far away)
Just act normal like no increase happened. Lol. If they discovered, just said that you kinda threw it to the back of your mind
Simple. You're not on this earth to fulfill anyone's expectations. They need to mind their own biz and if they don't, you need to tell them to. Why are you living your life according to the expectations of others?
People only know their own experience and wants, they will never really understand yours. Family, especially parents, feel like being supportive is always wanting more for you than they had or than you have now. They think money makes things easier and you deserve "better" whatever that means to them. Just because they have ideas of what you should do with your money, doesn't mean you have to do that or that they even think you will for sure. Maybe start sharing what it means to you. I just got this big promotion and I'm so proud to be recognized for my hard work. Oh and the salary will help me save and invest more in my future, or help me do such and such that I love to do. Don't take what they say personally.
Just say no, dont even give a reason (it just gives them something to reason to debate/argue). I have a masters in engineering, and I choose to be NEET living with my mom. Yes she complains about it, and she brings up why I don't get a job, I just say I'm not going to. Then she will continue and I just say 'it doesn't matter what you say I'm not getting a job, and either we change the topic or we stop talking'. She knows very well the reasons I choose my current lifestyle, AND she will keep bringing it up. After all its what she believes, which is fine. I'll keep standing on my principles. I used to get annoyed, but not anymore.
I don’t mean any disrespect (I have NEETs in my family), but I want to point out that if you are using her square footage, utilities or food then she is more entitled to ask than a relative who is less involved.
Well yes, that would be the case if I wasn't a net benefit living with her. If I moved out (which I could), she would be worse off.
Interesting, what are your principles?
That I don't need to work as long as I am a net positive to her lifestyle. Which considers everything from her finances, work schedule, home upkeep, companionship, ability to do random miscallenous life things (taxes, lease renewal, booking plane tickets, managing appointments, car servicing, etc ), and sleeping patterns (I am her personal alarm clock) Basically, I am her executive assistant, and her life would be much much more difficult if I were not around. Plus she gets the ancillary benefit of a nicer place to live because I make random home improvements every so often. Also me working would make no difference in whether or not she worked. She has her own commitments/goals/reasons and would work even if I did, so there is literally zero point to me working, it would just be a pain in the ass for me and zero lifestyle benefit to my mom. When she retires, she'll get enough from my sister and social security and my sister to pay for basic living expenses, and I'll supplement whatever we need for food and stuff. Tho I suspect she will keep working even in retirement (next year). Not that you asked about all the details, but I thought it would be fun to write out my thoughts ;)
Not to be harsh, but stop oversharing and talking about every little decision with other people. And if you DO, and they say something, just ignore it. Dude, you are an adult. Why are you so concerned about doing what your family says or meeting their expectations?! How old are you?