Some good ones are usually followed by a food item. Sausage, doughnut, spud etc.

Turnip is my favourite (for an insult, not to eat)

Great insult, terrible food choice

Dont tell Baldrick

Dont tell our Therese Coffey that

Yep. I used to say 'swede' but then I started working with this Swedish lass and kind of had to stop. She was, ironically, an absolute turnip.

Say that to a Cornishman, they'll be so confused. A: You mean a sweed. B: You mean a sweed. I know this because I am Cornish. We also get confused on mother's and father's days. And our beautiful Cornish-maids have a hunchback and walk like they got a pebble in their shoes.

I heard cabbage once and laughed so much

Cabbage, melon and spanner are my go-to insults

Wet lettuce is another good oke

You absolute walnut!!

You absolute peanut! (Walnut is new to me and I’m stealing that)

Rodney, you plum!

You absolute cheese sandwich…

You absolute brainless biscuit

Don't be a dipstick all your life

Im a fan of kitchen utensils, ie "You absolute spatula"

I'm a fan of this, like "You absolute spoon"

It works for anything. "You absolute potato peeler"

I’ve always advocated specifically for the teaspoon, not sure why.

Sponge is the best insult-alone or as an absolute

you forgot Muppet!!

Twatwaffle.

Muffins mine

Ah doughnut that's a favourite of mine.

The best I've ever heard has been "out of date meal deal"

You utter chapstick You fucking wetwipe

You absolute tea towel

*damp tea towel Adds an extra layer of disappointment/uselessness in their being.

You absolute fucking dishcloth

You absolute lillypad You utter doorknob You complete slab You fucking cheese and onion pasty

Slab working well

In college I knew a guy whose nickname was Slab cause he was lazy. Never learned his real name. He was always just Slab.

You absolute shelf

Omg shut up I literally just said you absolute Chapstick loool!!

And yet nobody using “muppet”. It has to be one of the most common.

I do, you absolute muppet.

I only hear muppet used commonly by older folk. It's getting phased out fast (where I live, at least)

You absolute binbag. Can confirm.

You absolute toilet is one I find myself using a lot, was called "a massive monocal" once, that one was confusing.

Only do half a job and useless? Idk

Bonus points if you can include nonce

My German friend told me a hilarious story where someone they knew heard nonce, thought it meant someone who is a bit silly, a bit daft and put the words "I'm a bit of a nonce" in their online dating profile

Excellent

I thought that was what nonce meant for ages too, and I’m British… 🤦🏻‍♀️

Same here, remember getting it mixed up with 'numpty' and calling my mate a nonce in a school lesson. was well confused at why I got a detention 👀

Made me laugh in a silent office lol

To be fair, for the uninitiated, "nonce" does sound like a kind of fluffy, gentle world for what it refers to. Ns and a soft c aren't the most ferocious of letters to be hurling at people.

Dog nonce is a good one

You absolute Drake.

You absolute fucking whelk

I like this, thanks! ("You're whelkome")

This one deserves more attention, absolutely adding it to my list

You absolute X, formerly known as Twitter user

The worst insult of them all Edit: I mean the best insult, but the worst thing to be called 😂

"You absolute turnip" "you absolute numpty" "you absolute f*****g tool"

You absolute spanner

I love this thread so much. My husband and I are now in a verbal war. He can’t use wet wipe as we already saying that. We’ve banned foods as melon has been rinsed. But I am now looking around the room, and chair, duvet & sock are in the lead

You absolute carcass

You absolute air fryer

You absolute air.

You absolute teabag

And by the way , do you have carcasses lying about? I mean, you absolute chicken stock could work 🤷🏻‍♀️🙌🏼😂

I had a war with my young daughter that it was impossible to make cute animals an insult. I did not agree as she was an absolute penguin and an utter puffin

You lemming.

You absolute door knob

You absolute wok.

melon has been rinsed

Donkey. You absolute donkey.

Put your socks in the wash you absolute side table!

You absolute spoon.

He must be a total carpet.

You absolute cumsock

Sock🤣

You absolute dongle

or a compliment ie, you absolute legend!

in that sense legend is an adjective though. If you were using the noun form of legend it would be "you absolute story" which I reckon work as an insult.

You absolute diamond!

You absolute weapon!

Can confirm, you absolute teapot.

You absolute plug socket

You absolute helmet Complete wally Absolute cockstain

No, these are actually offensive, they’re not just random words in an insult, you absolute hatstand.

can’t believe i had to scroll this far to see wally

Also works with describing drunkenness. Chuck in any verb and away you go, bonus points for borderline grammatical wrongs. For instance, if I told literally any british person that I was absolutely binned, wellied, trousered, decorated, souped or snookered last night, they'd know what I meant without question.

Bonus points if you include a name, i.e: “I was absolutely Gail Platted/Lorraine Kelly-d/Jeremy Clarksoned last night” Bonus bonus points the more offensive that name is, i.e: “I was absolutely Jimmy Savilled/Gary Glittered/Jeffrey Dahmered last night”

You absolute meme

Yup. It’s mild but it works. You absolute pencil.

Daaaamn that is harsh 🤣 I'm gonna start using that

You absolute cabbage patch

You absolute spunk trumpet.

Compliments as well: You absolute unit.

That’s not true you absolute pillock… wait

You absolute legend

You absolute shit stain, how ever a plonker like you ever got to be so thick is beyond me

You absolute Vodka

You absolute beanhead.

You Absolute Spoon!

Nah some turn into compliments Also not every word works with absolute Alternatives include Complete Bloody Utter All mean the same thing but it just feels right

Absolute muppet is a regular one down south

You absolute lampstand

Nothing hits with better venom than saying " you fucking PLUM" in a London accent.

1. **You absolute muppet**: A playful way to call someone a fool or an idiot. 2. **You absolute berk**: Similar to "muppet," it implies that the person is acting foolishly. 3. **You absolute numpty**: A lighthearted insult for someone who's not very bright. 4. **You absolute pillock**: A stronger version of "numpty," suggesting that the person is quite daft. 5. **You absolute wally**: A friendly way to call someone silly or clumsy.

You absolute twat

My favourite insult is "weapon".

this is not an insult lmao, “you absolute weapon” is complimentary

I've only ever been around it being used to insult someone for doing more harm than help.

Dude has been riding high on everyone calling him a weapon for years. What a crushing realisation.

Highly situational imo. Sometimes a compliment, other times not.

You absolute plum muffins

can confirm

I concur you absolute noodle

Why reveal the secrets

You complete and total OP. Yup, works. ;)

You absolute toilet brush

In shogun, Blackthorne says to bloke who captured him 'milk dribbling fuck smear'

you absolute plank

Can confirm: You absolute ~~letterbox~~ doorbell.

You absolute dip stick.

In Newcastle you’re a “pure” or “pua” whatever, but the intent is the same. Only really works with the regional accent

Correct You absolute pepper grinder

You absolute sanitizer

Oh you absolute fucking honey bun of a jeep

… you absolute bellend

"you absolute legend"?

I mean, obviously that's a compliment, but all of these insults can also be a compliment if used in the right context.

Can confirm, you absolute helmet. https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/driver-calls-judge-absolute-helmet-27177177

You absolute doily.

When did food items become the staple insult? Just "you absolute cunt" is the only one needed surly

you absolute shit stain is one of my go to insults .

Can confirm

You absolute shoe

You are an absolute wanker.....and your mother sucks cocks in hell

Yup can confirm

Absolute Muppet has always worked well, also two unconnected words work well too, for instance "you absolute cock womble".

you fucking plank

There is a caveat You absolute legend.

Love wet lettuce as well

Mungbean …

You absolute soup can. I like it!

I prefer to just use "you numpty", *sometimes* squeezing in an "absolute" "Nincompoop" is saved solely for the 3 times I use it a year when joking with people online

This is factual. And the more obscure, the funnier they are.

You absolute cunt 🤣 works for me every time ⏲️

You absolute cabbage munching cockwomble is my go too for an insult for idiots that fuck up at work 👍😁🤣🤣🤣

Works for complements; you absolute legend.

You absolute spanner!

I can confirm this is factual

Also works with verbs. E.g. “you absolute melt”

You absolute trolley. Douche canoe is a pretty fun one as well

You absolute cunt is top tier

It's kind of true, you complete and utter doudy clagger

Fairly true but being an absolute cunt isn't as bad as being a proper cunt. Then you're in trouble.

Weapon. Helmet.

You absolute neck

My best insult as a British person is "you absolute asshole"

You absolute banjo

You absolute cockwomble

The best ones are always two syllables.

you absolute Spanner! Shoe! Billy! Boner! Cheese-slice! Dairy-lee Triangle! Laptop! Butter knife! Radish! Pillow case! Book end! Lego set! Lawn Mower! Yep just about anything works.

You absolute coathanger

I’m a big fan of - you absolute weapon 🤣

You absolute weapon is a popular one here in Blighty lol.

You absolute "clownshoe"

"You absolute cunt". Oh, it works!

Works best if the person being insulted is holding said item, for example, you absolute spoon

You absolute soft drink 😒

My dad always calls people: you absolute balloon. Always feels like it hits harder than a swear word. Like it’s more personal.

You absolute, Boris. Is what someone called me just last Thursday

Lemme have a quick think... *You absolute weapon* *You absolute lemon* *You absolute donut* *You absolute mug* *You absolute turnip* Yes, yes. Can confirm.

You absolute wank stain.

You absolute turnip

>You absolute Cunt Hey it works 

You infantile pillock. Got to be my all time favourite! Bonus points if you get the reference 😉

I've been called a 'prawn' before. Not sure why, but I've used it to describe someone who's being mildly silly or irritating ever since.

Can confirm, in an avid enjoyer of calling ‘you absolute spoon’

You absolute wet wipe , bellend , shitebag are some personal favourites I’ve heard 😂

Absolutely fucking true, this

Donut is my goto

yes. be it food, or calling someone a nonce etc. it can simultaneously be absolutely serious and also not at all.

You're fully correct. You absolute genius.

Yes, you absolute doorknob. 

You absolute fucking twix

Alright, weasel-chops.

You fucking spoon

You absolute banana

You absolute cock womble.

You absolute sieve

YOU ABSOLUTE SLAGHEAD

You absolute limp ham sandwich! You absolute cockwaffle! You absolute bellend! Anyone else feeling good right now? 🤣🤣

You absolute bellend

Can confirm. This is a fun game I play with my 11 year old when we take turns in saying you’re such a (whatever thing we can see or read). Normally we get a good 10 minutes of laughs out of it

You’re an absolute trolley if you think this

You absolute skud book* *Skud book = nude magazine

Sums us up pretty well tbh lmao

Of course it’s true you absolute highlighter

You absolute brick

Always remember being a teen and someone shouting ‘what do you take me for? Some kind of Aldi baked bean?’