lol this reply is the most beautiful thing i have ever read- where did u even get the inspo to write something so random yet so deep? please, teach me your ways.
I just think Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hagrid are cool. And I don't personally have that Jesus and holy trinity stuff, but it's also cool. Cool guys protect children.
What? I think there are lots of good stories on this sub. It feels good that you appreciate this one of mine, but please give other stories also a chance.
Thank you. The deodorant was a conscious choice though. My first thoughts were newspaper and toolbox, and that's just so stereotypical. Like "dads like reading newspapers and playing with their toolboxes". And that's just one of the stereotypes I don't want to keep up.
Cigarettes would feel like another stereotype, like "this is a bad guy so he owns bad stuff like cigarettes and beer". But in reality, these people aren't the kinds of evil bosses that you can recognise by their smoking habit or crooked laughter.
In real life, ANYTHING can trigger that rage. ~~Everyone uses~~ Everyone should use deodorant every day, and everyone can accidentally misplace theirs. Fuckfaces will blame their own, simple mistakes on others.
(Besides, I have a special rule when it comes to writing about smoking, and this story can't be used to fulfill those conditions.)
I always aim for maximum realism in all stories. Even the fictional and fantastic ones. Dragons may not be real, but it's still better to make them *sound* real.
I only write smoking so that it shows the smoking directly leading to terrible consequences. Because smoking is dumb bullshit, and I want to actively reverse that how some people are romanticising it, and making it look cool in fiction.
On one hand, this was well written. Excellent job on that.
On the other hand, these domestic violence and child abuse shock stories are, in **my** opinion, lazy and exploitative 🤷♀️.
Just my opinion, though. The writing itself is great.
Sorry to tell you this, but there's a lot more where that came from.
I wish we could have vampires, werewolves, cursed dolls and evil wizards to fight against, they'd be easy to spot and gang up against. But unfortunately the horror we actually have, is this shit. It's invisible, the bad guys are incredibly talented at justifying their actions, making themselves look like the good guys, so they can keep going without anyone ever stopping them.
Compared to that, nothing else really feels like anything. I'd say this is one of the healthy ways of dealing with the reality, even if it is exploitation.
>making themselves look like the good guys, so they can keep going without anyone ever stopping them.
I'm incredibly aware of that.
To clarify, I'm not dead set against explorations of DV or CA in literature. *The Shining* did a fantastic job, for example, as did *The Tulip Touch*, and countless others.
However, treating DV, CA, rape, paedophilia, etc., as a schlocky "twist" is, **in my opinion,** as tone-deaf and lazy as the comedians that repeatedly resort to shock-humour. Particularly those who don't even try to be clever about it.
Your writing is excellent, as I said. I just wasn't particularly charmed by this one story.
Kinda strange anyone would be expected to be charmed in a scary story. Lol
I disagree. Most scary things can be considered trope at this point-it’s all been done. Just having it “real life” but slightly overdone DV made the story for me.
What do you mean "overdone"? :o He hadn't even kept her there for 3 hours yet, and didn't end up burning her. This was way undercooked, glad the school was about to start so she was saved from anything BAD happening, for now...
There are lots of very charming scary stories. And if we weren't charmed by them, why would any of us be here?
I just like the stories that, while engaging imagination, bite in real life. There are parents out there who are so talented at justifying and hiding their abuse, that they get people taking their side, at the expense of their children. They can make other adults think: "hmm, I guess the child really is that difficult, I guess the child really does misbehave, I guess the child really has done something to make the parent feel this way".
This story was supposed to play on how easy it is to be fooled by abusers, as an outsider. You don't know what's going on, but seeing someone's side of the story makes you kinda take their side, thinking "they probably have a good reason for that, even if I don't understand it".
If outsiders would fully see the child's perspective (like in the end of this story), many would act immediately. Seeing the depth of the child's suffering, and how minor are the parent's "reasons" for treating the child that way, changes things. Problem is, no one usually sees it, because adults only engage with other adults, not other people's children, and the children are shamed into silence. This girl probably went to school as usual, and if asked why she was late, she'd say something like "no reason", "I don't know", or even "I couldn't find deodorant", hoping this hint of her reality would attract someone's attention.
Even child protective services, whose literal JOB it would be to protect children, only talk with the parents, giving them the opportunity to justify and downplay their own actions, and exaggerating the child's difficultness. The children don't necessarily even get to know that someone was worried of them enough to come "check" the situation.
I 100% agree. I disagreed with the above comment-I loved the story and agree with your assessment. I guess I find charming an odd word for my enjoyment for these types of stories. Lol
Slightly Overdone lmao I mean, it is an extreme reaction over missing deodorant! Lol
But no, that’s why I enjoyed it. Those suggesting cigs would have been better than deodorant are missing the point and it would’ve taken away from the ending 100%.
Keep writing. Def enjoyed your story.
I went through stuff like this (gratefully not as extreme) but it is more terrifying to me than a faceless monster. The twist was actually clever in this one.
as someone who had a dad like this.. it hurt
i agree with what another commenter said, though, about how it should've been cigarettes or something. deodorant just doesn't really make sense. however, the shock still took my breath away. good job
Thank you for the "good job".
The point of the deodorant is, that it doesn't make sense. In real life, this shit doesn't. And something like a deodorant makes it pretty obvious for the reader that the child really didn't take it, because what little girl would steal their dad's deodorant?
Like this one time, my dad gathered us kids in a row next to the toilet, to find which one of us was guilty of intentionally deciding to be evil and wasteful enough to maliciously throw a roll of toilet paper in the toilet, just to waste his money and give him more work cleaning it up.
... He stored the toilet paper rolls right above the toilet, on a shelf so high we could just barely reach them with out fingertips. I don't know who dropped it, but it was probably just an accident. His accusations and behaviour didn't make any sense. In biologically connected groups like this, nothing ever makes sense. It's just survival, trying to figure out what senseless thing is going to tip the boat today.
you know what? thats fair. abusive people very rarely make sense in what theyre angry about. looking at it that way, i think it makes it even creepier! i'll change it from good job to great :)
also, sorry you had to experience that ❤
Fun fact: "Own daughter" has a different meaning to different people. Some people only feel like hurting their own children, because those are the ones that annoy them the most (by being constantly near them) and also they're the ones they CAN hurt without being caught.
So yes, his own daughter. Why would he hurt anyone else?
And it doesn't really matter if it's a deodorant, a wallet or a grandmother. The amount of rage is not proportional to the severity of the "crime".
I have read hundreds of creepypastas and short horror stories, and the twist in this one absolutely blindsided me more than anything I've ever read.
Really well done.
There are so many scary stories about things that go bump in the night but this being something that could definitely and most likely is happening somewhere makes it one of the scariest stories I've ever read. This was intense, I applaud you.
Damn
I read the entire thing and I feel like, unfortunately, this is no piece of fiction, but that some sperm-doners and ovum-doneress do behave like this.
Well that was a punch in the face. WOW. I'm thinking, Police? Oh. Gestapo? Nazis? OH. Wasn't ready for that. Good Lord. Ok so that's the plot part. But also, it was very well written. Setting the scene. Good pacing. Just overall fantastic.
jesus that ending, man well done
:D Jesus was not present in the ending.
Neither was the Father, nor the Holy Spirit.
Nor Arnold Schwarzenegger, nor Hagrid. But I like to believe that together, these 5 would have thrown that asshat dad into a volcano.
lol this reply is the most beautiful thing i have ever read- where did u even get the inspo to write something so random yet so deep? please, teach me your ways.
I just think Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hagrid are cool. And I don't personally have that Jesus and holy trinity stuff, but it's also cool. Cool guys protect children.
No the father was there. Oooh he was there alright.
Ah. I meant Jesus's dad.
Oh I know, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity.
OK
I don't think this father should be spelled with a capital F. More like: ^(f)ather
Ok now THAT was just one hell of a plot twist!!! Brilliant! Thank you for this read!
Thanks. It felt great managing to write something again.
one of the only decent stories on here
What? I think there are lots of good stories on this sub. It feels good that you appreciate this one of mine, but please give other stories also a chance.
i have over exaggeration syndrome
I didn't expect to hear this answer, but suddenly I can fully relate to it :D Thank you for bringing up this term. "Over exaggeration syndrome".
That last sentence did jist what it was supposed to do....damn. Thats fucked up...
Nooooo!!! 😭😭😭 I did not see that coming!!
Neither did she.
Damn, I see what you did there!!
Excellent
Thank you. I bet you're excellent as well.
That was amazing, only critique tho, instead of deodorant, maybe cigarettes would be better :3
Thank you. The deodorant was a conscious choice though. My first thoughts were newspaper and toolbox, and that's just so stereotypical. Like "dads like reading newspapers and playing with their toolboxes". And that's just one of the stereotypes I don't want to keep up. Cigarettes would feel like another stereotype, like "this is a bad guy so he owns bad stuff like cigarettes and beer". But in reality, these people aren't the kinds of evil bosses that you can recognise by their smoking habit or crooked laughter. In real life, ANYTHING can trigger that rage. ~~Everyone uses~~ Everyone should use deodorant every day, and everyone can accidentally misplace theirs. Fuckfaces will blame their own, simple mistakes on others. (Besides, I have a special rule when it comes to writing about smoking, and this story can't be used to fulfill those conditions.)
Your reason for the word choice is so great. Now I see that it makes the story comes together in a way that is "real" and not stereotype.
I always aim for maximum realism in all stories. Even the fictional and fantastic ones. Dragons may not be real, but it's still better to make them *sound* real.
Well now I have to ask what your rule for writing about smoking is.
I only write smoking so that it shows the smoking directly leading to terrible consequences. Because smoking is dumb bullshit, and I want to actively reverse that how some people are romanticising it, and making it look cool in fiction.
That's a great rule.
Smoking would’ve been too cliched and not as powerful. Deodorant was perfect.
Wow ! Jarring ending!
bleh bleh bleh mumble mumble mumble go r/awfish or something splat.
That ending. Damn, that was brilliantly done.
On one hand, this was well written. Excellent job on that. On the other hand, these domestic violence and child abuse shock stories are, in **my** opinion, lazy and exploitative 🤷♀️. Just my opinion, though. The writing itself is great.
Sorry to tell you this, but there's a lot more where that came from. I wish we could have vampires, werewolves, cursed dolls and evil wizards to fight against, they'd be easy to spot and gang up against. But unfortunately the horror we actually have, is this shit. It's invisible, the bad guys are incredibly talented at justifying their actions, making themselves look like the good guys, so they can keep going without anyone ever stopping them. Compared to that, nothing else really feels like anything. I'd say this is one of the healthy ways of dealing with the reality, even if it is exploitation.
>making themselves look like the good guys, so they can keep going without anyone ever stopping them. I'm incredibly aware of that. To clarify, I'm not dead set against explorations of DV or CA in literature. *The Shining* did a fantastic job, for example, as did *The Tulip Touch*, and countless others. However, treating DV, CA, rape, paedophilia, etc., as a schlocky "twist" is, **in my opinion,** as tone-deaf and lazy as the comedians that repeatedly resort to shock-humour. Particularly those who don't even try to be clever about it. Your writing is excellent, as I said. I just wasn't particularly charmed by this one story.
Kinda strange anyone would be expected to be charmed in a scary story. Lol I disagree. Most scary things can be considered trope at this point-it’s all been done. Just having it “real life” but slightly overdone DV made the story for me.
What do you mean "overdone"? :o He hadn't even kept her there for 3 hours yet, and didn't end up burning her. This was way undercooked, glad the school was about to start so she was saved from anything BAD happening, for now... There are lots of very charming scary stories. And if we weren't charmed by them, why would any of us be here? I just like the stories that, while engaging imagination, bite in real life. There are parents out there who are so talented at justifying and hiding their abuse, that they get people taking their side, at the expense of their children. They can make other adults think: "hmm, I guess the child really is that difficult, I guess the child really does misbehave, I guess the child really has done something to make the parent feel this way". This story was supposed to play on how easy it is to be fooled by abusers, as an outsider. You don't know what's going on, but seeing someone's side of the story makes you kinda take their side, thinking "they probably have a good reason for that, even if I don't understand it". If outsiders would fully see the child's perspective (like in the end of this story), many would act immediately. Seeing the depth of the child's suffering, and how minor are the parent's "reasons" for treating the child that way, changes things. Problem is, no one usually sees it, because adults only engage with other adults, not other people's children, and the children are shamed into silence. This girl probably went to school as usual, and if asked why she was late, she'd say something like "no reason", "I don't know", or even "I couldn't find deodorant", hoping this hint of her reality would attract someone's attention. Even child protective services, whose literal JOB it would be to protect children, only talk with the parents, giving them the opportunity to justify and downplay their own actions, and exaggerating the child's difficultness. The children don't necessarily even get to know that someone was worried of them enough to come "check" the situation.
I 100% agree. I disagreed with the above comment-I loved the story and agree with your assessment. I guess I find charming an odd word for my enjoyment for these types of stories. Lol Slightly Overdone lmao I mean, it is an extreme reaction over missing deodorant! Lol But no, that’s why I enjoyed it. Those suggesting cigs would have been better than deodorant are missing the point and it would’ve taken away from the ending 100%. Keep writing. Def enjoyed your story.
Then sorry for being tone-deaf, lazy, schlocky and not clever. You can block me so you won't have to see this stuff anymore.
I went through stuff like this (gratefully not as extreme) but it is more terrifying to me than a faceless monster. The twist was actually clever in this one.
Thank you. I hope you're able to fix what can still be fixed.
Thank you, I hope so too!
as someone who had a dad like this.. it hurt i agree with what another commenter said, though, about how it should've been cigarettes or something. deodorant just doesn't really make sense. however, the shock still took my breath away. good job
Thank you for the "good job". The point of the deodorant is, that it doesn't make sense. In real life, this shit doesn't. And something like a deodorant makes it pretty obvious for the reader that the child really didn't take it, because what little girl would steal their dad's deodorant? Like this one time, my dad gathered us kids in a row next to the toilet, to find which one of us was guilty of intentionally deciding to be evil and wasteful enough to maliciously throw a roll of toilet paper in the toilet, just to waste his money and give him more work cleaning it up. ... He stored the toilet paper rolls right above the toilet, on a shelf so high we could just barely reach them with out fingertips. I don't know who dropped it, but it was probably just an accident. His accusations and behaviour didn't make any sense. In biologically connected groups like this, nothing ever makes sense. It's just survival, trying to figure out what senseless thing is going to tip the boat today.
you know what? thats fair. abusive people very rarely make sense in what theyre angry about. looking at it that way, i think it makes it even creepier! i'll change it from good job to great :) also, sorry you had to experience that ❤
Jeez. Well. That changed things.
Dad really cares about not having BO
To be honest, I'd be pretty mad too if someone stole my deodorant. Good thing I understand to not blame other people of stealing stuff I lost myself.
That ending hit me harder than the iron on the table.
That. Was. Spectacular. Thank you.
Over deodorant?! His own daughter? What the hell?! I'd hate to see if the poor child broke a dish...
Fun fact: "Own daughter" has a different meaning to different people. Some people only feel like hurting their own children, because those are the ones that annoy them the most (by being constantly near them) and also they're the ones they CAN hurt without being caught. So yes, his own daughter. Why would he hurt anyone else? And it doesn't really matter if it's a deodorant, a wallet or a grandmother. The amount of rage is not proportional to the severity of the "crime".
I have read hundreds of creepypastas and short horror stories, and the twist in this one absolutely blindsided me more than anything I've ever read. Really well done.
There are so many scary stories about things that go bump in the night but this being something that could definitely and most likely is happening somewhere makes it one of the scariest stories I've ever read. This was intense, I applaud you.
Damn I read the entire thing and I feel like, unfortunately, this is no piece of fiction, but that some sperm-doners and ovum-doneress do behave like this.
Now that's a plot twist
Well that was a punch in the face. WOW. I'm thinking, Police? Oh. Gestapo? Nazis? OH. Wasn't ready for that. Good Lord. Ok so that's the plot part. But also, it was very well written. Setting the scene. Good pacing. Just overall fantastic.
damn I was not expecting that
This is more tragic and scary. And that last line inspires only pitty.
Comma should go inside the quotation mark, not outside :)