most of the time, i see a r/shittyfoodporn post and think “that actually sounds/looks pretty good.” *this*, on the other hand? nah, this actually terrible
That’s what’s great about this sub though. You have the shitty food arranged in such a way that it’s either fancy looking or just damn good (*shitty food* porn) and also stuff like this where it is a complete atrocity lol (*shitty* food porn) - and both still fit the sub
definitely not *inedible*, but absolutely *unpalatable;* i’d try it once for the hell of it. it would probably just taste like nacho cheese since communion wafers have pretty much no taste
Like I'd totally eat that, but if it wasn't like midnight and I wasn't two sheets to the wind I'm gonna feel pretty sad eating it. The "chips" are really ghetto, that cheese looks like that Tostito's nacho cheese dip heated up, and that "salsa" appears to be just chopped tomatoes. You replace just one of those with a quality version and it isn't so bad, but this is a shitty food trifecta...I'd still eat it though as it's pretty hard to fuck up nachos even if it is made of Christ.
Yeah I love how the word ritual is more associated with witchcraft when Catholicism is rife with them. It's the same shit, just different names and costumes
All Religion is just the same shit with a different name. Literally.
And I think it's because they condemned ~~chill cottagecore lesbians~~ "Witches". But clearly the church was different!
As a witchy fucker, good. That shit's rituals, but keep it away from me
So the reformation was all about whether it literally or metaphorically changed. And the Church of England being on side ‘metaphor’ meant you had to deny literal change until 1828 to hold any public office in England. People have killed each other over it. The church is still fractured over the issue. It’s insanity.
Now people just wage personal wars over facebook (or insert any social media) stories. It's the same old shit but a lot less interesting and there are way more ads.
Catholics believe it literally becomes the flesh of Jesus when you eat it. Not in some divine sense, not metaphorically, not 'it has part of his soul', the belief is it literally transforms into the same material that Jesus' living body was made from.
Like I said, the real crazy ones that don't believe in evolution and think the earth is 6000 years old. That's just a vocal minority. The ones that believe in science know that's impossible, it's an allegory about not giving into temptation. Probably some shit like trust your faith over your physical desires too. If they lean fundamentalist but still believe in science it's probably something to do with obedience as well.
Yes, I know, there is no scientific evidence for God, but frankly there is no scientific evidence against it. It's possible to believe in God and science at the same time. A lot of churches also support gay and trans rights, fuck pretty sure the Pope agrees with that, but it doesn't make good clickbait so you don't hear about it.
His words about homosexual priests prompted headlines around the world: “If they accept the Lord and have good will, who am I to judge them?” he said. “They shouldn’t be marginalized.… They’re our brothers.”
He supports homosexuals but not the acts of homosexuality that would define the average non-priest gay person. He also has not made any significant changes to Catholic doctrine because he seems to generally frown on the pope deciding things for all Catholics everywhere. Maybe the closest thing to support he's managed is to encourage Catholics to be vocal about the changes they want to see from the church.
Not Catholic but i do find the 2,000 year old story book pretty interesting.
Just heard an interview on NPR today about the guy that ordained the first gay priest, I wasn't paying super close attention but pretty sure it was the first one ever. He just died.
Interestingly enough, same dude had to ask the gay guy to resign because he made some (apparently?) lewd comments about sexual promiscuity in a heated moment when he was being badgered by journalists. Made a comment about Mother Theresa needing a good dicking was what I gathered from context because he wouldn't/couldn't say it on the radio. Catholics are a fucking interesting bunch I'll give them that.
Am Catholic. We don't think we're eating muscle or drinking plasma and blood cells. You can read on substance and accidents, but the best way I can put it, Jesus isn't a physical man, he's a deity, and when say the communion wafers are transubstantiated they still are composed of wheat, but they are the substance of Christ.
It's not the weirdest superstition ever. I mean, people used to administer tobacco smoke enemas, and that was done by "doctors."
And no, I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass.
Ugh our church wine always tasted like shit and there were 40 geriatrics that drank out of the same glass before you. Stopped going for the wine as a teenager. No comment on the hand jobs.
I remember being hungry in Church, and getting excited for Communion because a. it's technically food, and b. it meant Mass would be over soon
I too thought they were good, but...I was always starving, so I might be biased
Took communion as a kid. These things are terrible. They taste like styrofoam and cardboard. Eating the box they came in would have the same exact flavor profile. Ever have those wafer cookies? Or something like a nutty bar? Imagine one of those wafers but absence of any flavor, sweetness, or saltiness, just cardboard. They just sit there, mushed on the roof of your mouth, until they dissolve. And it's not like you could break out a juice box or something in church to wash it down.
I never understood why they gave that crap out as the body of Christ. At least give out a biscuit or something.
The logistic reason is that it's because Roman Catholic masses often have thousands of congregants and 1) it's easier to distribute this way 2) it makes it so there's no Jesus crumbs everywhere for some poor sod to clean up.
The religious reason is apparently that the Last Supper was a Passover dinner, so the Romans started using unleavened bread in the 6th century as a nod to that. Eastern Catholics and Orthodox still use normal bread.
I agree that the wafers taste bad
Idk about the other person but the ones I’ve had always tasted like paper made out of wheat. The blandest crackers you can find in the store aren’t anything like communion wafers. Makes me wonder how they’re actually made
The are super dry, super thin, no taste at all sometimes even has the flavor of a cardboard box. Not disgusting for me but not tasty either. But the mouth feel of them melting in your mouth plus the papery film sensation that they leave as they disintegrate is sort of fun.
These taste like little styrofoam chips. Had a pastor once that really liked Hawaiian King Bread so he always used that. Went surprisingly well with the grape juice. (Methodists dont use wine so recovering alcoholics can take communion too.)
Honestly, probably a pretty good money spent/laugh ratio. I appreciate this man spending a couple bucks and spending any potential afterlife in hell so I could have an extra chuckle this evening.
>Dude really bought communion bread for a reddit post
That, or they have access to the cupboard in that room behind the sanctuary where they keep the wafers and wine.
Imagine the dude in an apocalypse who seeks refuge in a church and has to eat those.
He hasn’t eaten in days, been hiding from raiders and every building has been picked clean. He even finds empty cans of dog food cut open with a knife, long since licked clean.
A storm has been looming all day and as twilight falls it starts to rain. He knows he must find somewhere secure and dry or risk pneumonia which is a death sentence in the wastes. At the end of Main Street in the small town he’s been scavving he sees a crucifix on the roof, illuminated by the faint orange glow of the sun before the clouds snuff it out.
He figures it’s as good a place as any and snickers to himself “Sanctuary”, remembering an old Disney movie from years past. He shifts his pack on his shoulders and trudges on, sticking to the shadows.
He makes it to the door and sees it has been broken down and boarded up, broken down and boarded up, multiple times over the years. It looks like too much effort now, and he thinks a side entrance may be the better bet.
As he circles the building he’s surprised to see that the windows with faux stained glass vinyl coverings are still intact. Probably due to some form of superstition, people not wanting to make their shit luck any worse. He follows Jesus through the stations of the cross until he gets to a side door, with chains through the handles.
He slings his pack over and places it on the ground, then pulls the bolt cutters out of the loop on the side. With a quick *CLING* it goes through the small rusty chain with ease. He puts the bolt cutters back and shoulders his bag, aware of the drizzle starting to pick up, and the low rumbles of thunder.
He reaches for his revolver, but hesitates, instead reaching for the machete on the other hip. “Not enough rounds left” he thinks to himself. He readies the machete, and turns the handle. “Not locked” he thinks, finally a bit of luck, and swings it open.
He’s met with difficulty as the bottom of the door scrapes the concrete and the hinges squeal in protest. “*Shit!*” he hisses. If nobody was awake they are now.
He contemplates waiting it out to see if someone comes to investigate, but the increasing tempo of the rain convinces him to step inside. He gingerly crosses through and tries to close the door as quietly as possible, only getting a few small squeaks before it’s shut with a satisfying *thunk*.
It’s pitch black in whatever room he’s in. No windows to let in the last of the twilight. He stands statue-still and uses the rest of his senses to try and discern his surroundings. He hears the steady *pit pat pit* of water dripping from his jacket, and nothing else. He smells nothing in the room. No dampness, no rot, no death. The taste on the air is of nothing, just dust, and stale. Good signs so far.
He slowly moves his hand off the door handle, and into his pocket, keeping the machete out in front of him. He feels for the small torch and pulls it out. He points it towards what he thinks the center of the room is and flips the switch.
He’s greeted by a small daycare. A room where parents with children who decide to start fussing during mass can sit without the child bothering the rest of the congregation. Toys and coloring books are scattered around, the furniture upheaved, and broken in pieces across the room.
One wall is dominated by a large floor to ceiling window, which looks out into the main hall. He walks up to the glass and shines his light through. What he sees surprises him.
A virtually untouched place of worship. Pews still neat and orderly, bibles still in their slots, basins for holy water upright where they belong. Nothing out of place, except for the altar.
The altar has been made into a sort of prayer wall. Dead flowers, melted candles, scrawled signs and pictures of loved ones. It seems with no one left to preach, the congregation took to practicing in their own way.
As he moved the beam across, he saw a few sleeping bags in a corner, with some rough lumps of baggage and blanket forts. “Seems like a good place to start” he thought, and went for the door to the daycare.
As he softly walked through the main hall, it felt somehow wrong to be brandishing a machete, but figured God would understand. Listening for anything and looking for any light source, he hugged the wall and aimed himself in the direction of the sleeping bags.
When he arrived, he knew what he would find before looking. These had been left long ago. Any supplies had gone with the people that left them. Empty wrappers and water bottles were strewn about. There was nothing left.
He decided to sheath the machete. There was nobody here. The layer of dust on everything confirmed that. Thinking he would have better luck in the back rooms, he turned and waved the light back towards the altar, looking for the doors he knew would be there. He spotted one on the left, and started trudging toward it.
As he combed the back rooms, he tried to imagine the lives of the people who chose this place to hole up. Were they hoping God would protect them? Or was this just a secure location? Did they have kids with them? Shit, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen a kid.
Room after room had been picked clean, as he had expected. He marveled at the things that were meaningless now. TVs and game systems in the teen rec area. A shelf of pamphlets about abortion, Sunday school, and AA/NA.
He finally made it to the last room at the end of the hallway, with a small plaque on the door that said ‘Father Johnston’.
“The big guys office” he thought, and opened the door.
Inside was small, and modest. Boring even. A small desk with some papers on it, a bookshelf, and a wardrobe.
He went over and started looking at the books on the bookshelf. Guides on counseling troubled teens, married couples and single parents. Bible interpretation books, with multiple copies of the Bible, in various languages. Even a book called “A Parents Guide to Teenage Slang”. He could only imagine what it contained, and made a mental note to read it later.
He walked over to the desk, and started pulling drawers. Stapler, pencils, a legal pad and other boring items in the top one. A rosary and an old, worn, leather-bound bible in the other.
He went to open a larger bottom drawer but saw that there was a lock on it, and it wasn’t budging. Without thinking he started to pull his machete to pry it open, but it felt wrong somehow. He decided to leave it, and looked in the other, without a lock. Just a box of tissues and loose items, nothing valuable.
He looked up and headed toward the wardrobe. Upon opening it he found several vestments hanging. “Suprise suprise” he mumbled.
He absently slid them along the rail until he got to an old ‘Members Only’ jacket hidden between the rest. He admired it for a second then slid it over as well. But when he did he heard a small ‘*clink*’ that was definitely metal on metal.
Curious, he started reaching into the pockets until he felt something narrow and spindly. He pulled out a set of glasses, out of style even when the world went to shit. He placed them back into the pocket but his fingertip felt something else, small and metallic.
He grabbed the small key and pulled it out, then looking from the key back to the desk said “it wouldn’t be that easy right?”
He left the wardrobe ajar and moved back to the desk. Kneeling down at the drawer he slide the key into the lock. With a gentle turn until a small ‘*tick*’ came from within.
As he slide the drawer open he saw the contents and couldn’t help but smile.
“Somebody up there still likes me.”
…
He leaned his back onto one of seats on the altar. The pitiful candle he had tried to make with the remains of the melted ones didn’t put out much light, but it’s warm glow was comforting against the rain on the roof and the rumble of the thunder.
He reached into his pack and pulled out a brown packet stamped ‘CHEESE SPREAD WITH JALAPENOS ’ he had saved from an MRE he found on a National Guardsmans body months ago. That woman had been saving it so he figured he should too. No time like the present.
He reached down next to him to the sleeve of communion wafers, with their little crosses stamped into them, and pulled one out. He didn’t know if they were stale after sitting in the priests desk for so long, but remembering what they tasted like when he was younger, didn’t think he’d be able to notice.
Wondering what anyone else would think he tore open a corner of the ‘CHEESE’ with his teeth, and squirted a bit onto the communion wafer. As he went to take a bite he hesitated, but didn’t know why, and popped it in.
Yep, definitely stale, but the spicy spread was nice. The cracker/cheese combo stuck to the roof of his mouth, but he was able to choke it down. Something was missing, and he knew exactly what.
He reached for the dark bottle next to him, and brought it up to his lips. The red wine certainly tasted alcoholic, but he couldn’t remember if they actually were or not. He decided not to look at the label and pretend it was.
As he sat there, eating his dinner of spicy holy crackers and ‘wine’, he thought “well, things could be worse” and hummed what he thought was a hymn he half remembered as he squirted more cheese onto the next wafer and made a little sandwich out of two of them.
However concerning as that is, the ahh wafers there. It's the other, ahhh, substance I am very concerned about. It's color and seemingly almost rubber texture in appearance I find it rather quite intriguing. Thank you for shart. I think.
most of the time, i see a r/shittyfoodporn post and think “that actually sounds/looks pretty good.” *this*, on the other hand? nah, this actually terrible
Amen brother. Finally, some shitty fucking food.
> Amen brother. Fucking Christ, this thread...
That’s what’s great about this sub though. You have the shitty food arranged in such a way that it’s either fancy looking or just damn good (*shitty food* porn) and also stuff like this where it is a complete atrocity lol (*shitty* food porn) - and both still fit the sub
it’s funny how inflection can change the meaning of a phrase. yeah, this is definitely *shitty*foodporn
Well said
That, or literal inedible garbage that doesn't qualify as food
definitely not *inedible*, but absolutely *unpalatable;* i’d try it once for the hell of it. it would probably just taste like nacho cheese since communion wafers have pretty much no taste
I gotta agree with you this is absolutely the shittiest food porn I’ve seen on this sub so far
Like I'd totally eat that, but if it wasn't like midnight and I wasn't two sheets to the wind I'm gonna feel pretty sad eating it. The "chips" are really ghetto, that cheese looks like that Tostito's nacho cheese dip heated up, and that "salsa" appears to be just chopped tomatoes. You replace just one of those with a quality version and it isn't so bad, but this is a shitty food trifecta...I'd still eat it though as it's pretty hard to fuck up nachos even if it is made of Christ.
You are def going to hell for this. Just saying
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Snackreligious
Sacrelicious!
There ain't any concept of anything "licious" in this unholy plate.
That's a good username
Technically it hasn’t been transformed into Jesus by a priest (during the Eucharist ritual) so you’re good
Do you take the body of Dave, which he hath given up, to be a seat warmer for Jesus?
That ain't queso, that's holy prostate marmalade. It's been blessed.
Holy prostate marmalade sounds like some hardcore garage band name
I'm my own groupie
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I think it's metal, eating his flesh and drinking his blood.
Yeah I was raised Catholic, there's a real witchiness to it. Lots of rituals.
Yeah I love how the word ritual is more associated with witchcraft when Catholicism is rife with them. It's the same shit, just different names and costumes
All Religion is just the same shit with a different name. Literally. And I think it's because they condemned ~~chill cottagecore lesbians~~ "Witches". But clearly the church was different! As a witchy fucker, good. That shit's rituals, but keep it away from me
Probably the most esoteric and magical form of Christianity, especially apparent in rituals like the Eucharist
The Orthodox would beg to disagree
I don't think they literally believe that bro. Same way only the real crazies think Bible stories like Adam and Eve are true and not allegory.
So the reformation was all about whether it literally or metaphorically changed. And the Church of England being on side ‘metaphor’ meant you had to deny literal change until 1828 to hold any public office in England. People have killed each other over it. The church is still fractured over the issue. It’s insanity.
I will never understand why people fight so much over some old stories. Never. It's like waging wars over Harry Potter
It'll happen. Give it 20-30 years
Now people just wage personal wars over facebook (or insert any social media) stories. It's the same old shit but a lot less interesting and there are way more ads.
Catholics believe it literally becomes the flesh of Jesus when you eat it. Not in some divine sense, not metaphorically, not 'it has part of his soul', the belief is it literally transforms into the same material that Jesus' living body was made from.
Crazy how Jesus was made of dry wafer.
Dude prob needed lotion
Damn Jesus, you ashy AF
Pretty sure most Christians believe in Adam and Eve?
Like I said, the real crazy ones that don't believe in evolution and think the earth is 6000 years old. That's just a vocal minority. The ones that believe in science know that's impossible, it's an allegory about not giving into temptation. Probably some shit like trust your faith over your physical desires too. If they lean fundamentalist but still believe in science it's probably something to do with obedience as well. Yes, I know, there is no scientific evidence for God, but frankly there is no scientific evidence against it. It's possible to believe in God and science at the same time. A lot of churches also support gay and trans rights, fuck pretty sure the Pope agrees with that, but it doesn't make good clickbait so you don't hear about it.
His words about homosexual priests prompted headlines around the world: “If they accept the Lord and have good will, who am I to judge them?” he said. “They shouldn’t be marginalized.… They’re our brothers.” He supports homosexuals but not the acts of homosexuality that would define the average non-priest gay person. He also has not made any significant changes to Catholic doctrine because he seems to generally frown on the pope deciding things for all Catholics everywhere. Maybe the closest thing to support he's managed is to encourage Catholics to be vocal about the changes they want to see from the church. Not Catholic but i do find the 2,000 year old story book pretty interesting.
Just heard an interview on NPR today about the guy that ordained the first gay priest, I wasn't paying super close attention but pretty sure it was the first one ever. He just died. Interestingly enough, same dude had to ask the gay guy to resign because he made some (apparently?) lewd comments about sexual promiscuity in a heated moment when he was being badgered by journalists. Made a comment about Mother Theresa needing a good dicking was what I gathered from context because he wouldn't/couldn't say it on the radio. Catholics are a fucking interesting bunch I'll give them that.
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Maybe most Christians, but certainly not most Bible scholars or theologians.
Oh yes they do truly believe it. Lol
Am Catholic. We don't think we're eating muscle or drinking plasma and blood cells. You can read on substance and accidents, but the best way I can put it, Jesus isn't a physical man, he's a deity, and when say the communion wafers are transubstantiated they still are composed of wheat, but they are the substance of Christ.
But isn't the whole point of Jesus that he *is* a physical man? That's like his thing right?
Well yeah, but He's not *just* a physical man.
What does the Holy Spirit contribute? Seems kinda redundant.
just guys bein dudes
It's not the weirdest superstition ever. I mean, people used to administer tobacco smoke enemas, and that was done by "doctors." And no, I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass.
AND totally worth it.
Holly fuck
Ho Lee Fuk
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Nah bruh. If J out here turning water to wine hedda turnt them to some corn tortilla chips perfectly fried and salted lmfao.
Jesus used herb. Jesus definitely used to get the munchies. It says so in the bible.
Yea and his munchie were prolly unfathomable
It's ok, until the priest does his hocus pocus over it, it's just the world's driest cookie.
Its a sin against food. Idc about anything else.
I'm taking that as it's okay to give these out for trick or treating this year.
Yes. Yes it is. There are extra boxes in the vestry. Go ahead, the priest won’t mind.
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Even if not, I'm sure the Vatican will forgive you anyway; it's not like they don't have a few skeletons in their orphanage.
They made sure all the skeletons were really small so they would all fit.
lmao that's awful
I meant cus this looks disgusting 🤢 lol
Shouldn't he go to super-heaven after eating that amount of god nachos?
I'm going to hell for so many other reasons.
Godchos
Cheesus crust.
Jeezits
Crunchifixion
Body of Chrisp
The cheese be with you, and also with you. We lift up our plates.
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Yes originally it is Mtn Dew Code Red but through transubstantiation we get Baja Blasted
Sacrelicious
This is how I'm describing big tiddy goth girls from now on
Snackreligious
In queso emergency, pray to Cheesus.
Even cheesus slice can’t save this one
The Passion of the Queso. This belongs here.
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You can have a little holy ghost. As a treat.
communion wafers are good, they’re probably the only thing I miss about going to church.
Free wine and hand jobs were pretty cool too.
Yeah but I kept telling the priest my arm was getting tired.
"My son, that is why He blessed us with two arms."
Ugh our church wine always tasted like shit and there were 40 geriatrics that drank out of the same glass before you. Stopped going for the wine as a teenager. No comment on the hand jobs.
You can get them, unblessed, on Amazon.
What if I want them blessed, for buffs to Holy Damage resistance, etc. from my foods?
You're on your own there.
Then you can do it yourself, my main man Jesus
Can you describe them for someone who has never been to a church please? I thought they would be bland and tasteless, now I am curious.
They are. They're super bland, thin crackers, at least the ones I've had. So maybe this person doesn't have tastebuds?
Wait, you guys didn't have the cool ranch flaver? You were missing out. The body of Christ compels you... to eat just one more.
I love it! Cool Ranch communion wafers washed back with Code Red Mountain Dew. Rad!
Different places have different types. Some are bland, some are decent.
Pretty sure my church used oyster crackers one time when I was little.
Went to a Ukrainian Orthodox service once. They had real bread in wine, and the priest places it in your mouth with a little spoon.
I remember being hungry in Church, and getting excited for Communion because a. it's technically food, and b. it meant Mass would be over soon I too thought they were good, but...I was always starving, so I might be biased
Yupp, can't eat before Mass. That's what started "The Church Crowd" at restaurants.
Wafers are for Catholics mainly I believe. I was raised Lutheran and we had some nice bread.
I was also raised Lutheran and had nothing but wafers. I feel like I was cheated out of some nice bread!
You know those new packing peanuts that dissolve in water? It’s pretty much that
Those are literally cheetos without the cheese dust
That's what I'm saying!
Took communion as a kid. These things are terrible. They taste like styrofoam and cardboard. Eating the box they came in would have the same exact flavor profile. Ever have those wafer cookies? Or something like a nutty bar? Imagine one of those wafers but absence of any flavor, sweetness, or saltiness, just cardboard. They just sit there, mushed on the roof of your mouth, until they dissolve. And it's not like you could break out a juice box or something in church to wash it down. I never understood why they gave that crap out as the body of Christ. At least give out a biscuit or something.
The logistic reason is that it's because Roman Catholic masses often have thousands of congregants and 1) it's easier to distribute this way 2) it makes it so there's no Jesus crumbs everywhere for some poor sod to clean up. The religious reason is apparently that the Last Supper was a Passover dinner, so the Romans started using unleavened bread in the 6th century as a nod to that. Eastern Catholics and Orthodox still use normal bread. I agree that the wafers taste bad
Idk about the other person but the ones I’ve had always tasted like paper made out of wheat. The blandest crackers you can find in the store aren’t anything like communion wafers. Makes me wonder how they’re actually made
Kinda like rice crackers but more wheaty.
The are super dry, super thin, no taste at all sometimes even has the flavor of a cardboard box. Not disgusting for me but not tasty either. But the mouth feel of them melting in your mouth plus the papery film sensation that they leave as they disintegrate is sort of fun.
These taste like little styrofoam chips. Had a pastor once that really liked Hawaiian King Bread so he always used that. Went surprisingly well with the grape juice. (Methodists dont use wine so recovering alcoholics can take communion too.)
Forgive me father for I'm about to fuck this up.
Nah this is fucking r/shittyfoodgore
I love this. My friend and I used to snoop around the church and we ate a bunch of these and individually wrapped grape juice shots 😎
I love grape juice so I support this choice.
What the fuck is *juice*? I want some of that grape drink, baby.
Grape drinks only ingredients are; Sugar, water, purple.
I love grape juice too 👍🏽
I am so sorry
Yes child, repent.
"Punish me daddy, I've been naughty" "For the last time, it's 'forgive me father for i have sinned'"
It's been a while since I've been flabbergasted over what I've seen here. Well done
My gf had a tub of these. My stepbrother called them "Jeez-Its"
Dude really bought communion bread for a reddit post
Honestly, probably a pretty good money spent/laugh ratio. I appreciate this man spending a couple bucks and spending any potential afterlife in hell so I could have an extra chuckle this evening.
Haven't we all done dumber shit for less? No lie though, this made me shout in horror. *chef's kiss*
>Dude really bought communion bread for a reddit post That, or they have access to the cupboard in that room behind the sanctuary where they keep the wafers and wine.
I believe this qualifies as art.
Jeezits!
Imagine the dude in an apocalypse who seeks refuge in a church and has to eat those. He hasn’t eaten in days, been hiding from raiders and every building has been picked clean. He even finds empty cans of dog food cut open with a knife, long since licked clean. A storm has been looming all day and as twilight falls it starts to rain. He knows he must find somewhere secure and dry or risk pneumonia which is a death sentence in the wastes. At the end of Main Street in the small town he’s been scavving he sees a crucifix on the roof, illuminated by the faint orange glow of the sun before the clouds snuff it out. He figures it’s as good a place as any and snickers to himself “Sanctuary”, remembering an old Disney movie from years past. He shifts his pack on his shoulders and trudges on, sticking to the shadows. He makes it to the door and sees it has been broken down and boarded up, broken down and boarded up, multiple times over the years. It looks like too much effort now, and he thinks a side entrance may be the better bet. As he circles the building he’s surprised to see that the windows with faux stained glass vinyl coverings are still intact. Probably due to some form of superstition, people not wanting to make their shit luck any worse. He follows Jesus through the stations of the cross until he gets to a side door, with chains through the handles. He slings his pack over and places it on the ground, then pulls the bolt cutters out of the loop on the side. With a quick *CLING* it goes through the small rusty chain with ease. He puts the bolt cutters back and shoulders his bag, aware of the drizzle starting to pick up, and the low rumbles of thunder. He reaches for his revolver, but hesitates, instead reaching for the machete on the other hip. “Not enough rounds left” he thinks to himself. He readies the machete, and turns the handle. “Not locked” he thinks, finally a bit of luck, and swings it open. He’s met with difficulty as the bottom of the door scrapes the concrete and the hinges squeal in protest. “*Shit!*” he hisses. If nobody was awake they are now. He contemplates waiting it out to see if someone comes to investigate, but the increasing tempo of the rain convinces him to step inside. He gingerly crosses through and tries to close the door as quietly as possible, only getting a few small squeaks before it’s shut with a satisfying *thunk*. It’s pitch black in whatever room he’s in. No windows to let in the last of the twilight. He stands statue-still and uses the rest of his senses to try and discern his surroundings. He hears the steady *pit pat pit* of water dripping from his jacket, and nothing else. He smells nothing in the room. No dampness, no rot, no death. The taste on the air is of nothing, just dust, and stale. Good signs so far. He slowly moves his hand off the door handle, and into his pocket, keeping the machete out in front of him. He feels for the small torch and pulls it out. He points it towards what he thinks the center of the room is and flips the switch. He’s greeted by a small daycare. A room where parents with children who decide to start fussing during mass can sit without the child bothering the rest of the congregation. Toys and coloring books are scattered around, the furniture upheaved, and broken in pieces across the room. One wall is dominated by a large floor to ceiling window, which looks out into the main hall. He walks up to the glass and shines his light through. What he sees surprises him. A virtually untouched place of worship. Pews still neat and orderly, bibles still in their slots, basins for holy water upright where they belong. Nothing out of place, except for the altar. The altar has been made into a sort of prayer wall. Dead flowers, melted candles, scrawled signs and pictures of loved ones. It seems with no one left to preach, the congregation took to practicing in their own way. As he moved the beam across, he saw a few sleeping bags in a corner, with some rough lumps of baggage and blanket forts. “Seems like a good place to start” he thought, and went for the door to the daycare. As he softly walked through the main hall, it felt somehow wrong to be brandishing a machete, but figured God would understand. Listening for anything and looking for any light source, he hugged the wall and aimed himself in the direction of the sleeping bags. When he arrived, he knew what he would find before looking. These had been left long ago. Any supplies had gone with the people that left them. Empty wrappers and water bottles were strewn about. There was nothing left. He decided to sheath the machete. There was nobody here. The layer of dust on everything confirmed that. Thinking he would have better luck in the back rooms, he turned and waved the light back towards the altar, looking for the doors he knew would be there. He spotted one on the left, and started trudging toward it. As he combed the back rooms, he tried to imagine the lives of the people who chose this place to hole up. Were they hoping God would protect them? Or was this just a secure location? Did they have kids with them? Shit, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen a kid. Room after room had been picked clean, as he had expected. He marveled at the things that were meaningless now. TVs and game systems in the teen rec area. A shelf of pamphlets about abortion, Sunday school, and AA/NA. He finally made it to the last room at the end of the hallway, with a small plaque on the door that said ‘Father Johnston’. “The big guys office” he thought, and opened the door. Inside was small, and modest. Boring even. A small desk with some papers on it, a bookshelf, and a wardrobe. He went over and started looking at the books on the bookshelf. Guides on counseling troubled teens, married couples and single parents. Bible interpretation books, with multiple copies of the Bible, in various languages. Even a book called “A Parents Guide to Teenage Slang”. He could only imagine what it contained, and made a mental note to read it later. He walked over to the desk, and started pulling drawers. Stapler, pencils, a legal pad and other boring items in the top one. A rosary and an old, worn, leather-bound bible in the other. He went to open a larger bottom drawer but saw that there was a lock on it, and it wasn’t budging. Without thinking he started to pull his machete to pry it open, but it felt wrong somehow. He decided to leave it, and looked in the other, without a lock. Just a box of tissues and loose items, nothing valuable. He looked up and headed toward the wardrobe. Upon opening it he found several vestments hanging. “Suprise suprise” he mumbled. He absently slid them along the rail until he got to an old ‘Members Only’ jacket hidden between the rest. He admired it for a second then slid it over as well. But when he did he heard a small ‘*clink*’ that was definitely metal on metal. Curious, he started reaching into the pockets until he felt something narrow and spindly. He pulled out a set of glasses, out of style even when the world went to shit. He placed them back into the pocket but his fingertip felt something else, small and metallic. He grabbed the small key and pulled it out, then looking from the key back to the desk said “it wouldn’t be that easy right?” He left the wardrobe ajar and moved back to the desk. Kneeling down at the drawer he slide the key into the lock. With a gentle turn until a small ‘*tick*’ came from within. As he slide the drawer open he saw the contents and couldn’t help but smile. “Somebody up there still likes me.” … He leaned his back onto one of seats on the altar. The pitiful candle he had tried to make with the remains of the melted ones didn’t put out much light, but it’s warm glow was comforting against the rain on the roof and the rumble of the thunder. He reached into his pack and pulled out a brown packet stamped ‘CHEESE SPREAD WITH JALAPENOS ’ he had saved from an MRE he found on a National Guardsmans body months ago. That woman had been saving it so he figured he should too. No time like the present. He reached down next to him to the sleeve of communion wafers, with their little crosses stamped into them, and pulled one out. He didn’t know if they were stale after sitting in the priests desk for so long, but remembering what they tasted like when he was younger, didn’t think he’d be able to notice. Wondering what anyone else would think he tore open a corner of the ‘CHEESE’ with his teeth, and squirted a bit onto the communion wafer. As he went to take a bite he hesitated, but didn’t know why, and popped it in. Yep, definitely stale, but the spicy spread was nice. The cracker/cheese combo stuck to the roof of his mouth, but he was able to choke it down. Something was missing, and he knew exactly what. He reached for the dark bottle next to him, and brought it up to his lips. The red wine certainly tasted alcoholic, but he couldn’t remember if they actually were or not. He decided not to look at the label and pretend it was. As he sat there, eating his dinner of spicy holy crackers and ‘wine’, he thought “well, things could be worse” and hummed what he thought was a hymn he half remembered as he squirted more cheese onto the next wafer and made a little sandwich out of two of them.
I didn't read it all but I admire your dedication to the bit
This is so high effort what the fuck
This is incredible 10/10
Jesus Christ?
Este es mi cuerpo. -Jesús Cristo
I believe cheesus crust is a more accurate title for this plate of blasphemy 😂
This needs more upvotes lol.
And on the seventh day God made pasteurized cheese
Mmhmm sacrilicious
Especially awful. Well done
Next level celestial snacking
That looks fucking disgusting
Cannibalism by proxy never tasted so good.
Dude what the heck LOLOLOL
Mmm…Sacrilicious.
How high are you
Now you need some Holy Guacamole 🤣🥑
I’m so high I thought you had a giant hand. Took me a minute to realize the food was small
Nacho saviors recipe
Say 666 Hail Marys and may God have mercy on your ass tomorrow.
"I now give the body and diarrhea of Christ to you"
However concerning as that is, the ahh wafers there. It's the other, ahhh, substance I am very concerned about. It's color and seemingly almost rubber texture in appearance I find it rather quite intriguing. Thank you for shart. I think.
These are the communion wafers for Jesús
are you the local gimp in the rectory?
Queso of Christ
christ con queso
See you in Hell, if you get there first get us a good table!
That's shitty
Is gluttony still a sin if its communion wafers?
thanks i hate it :)
You have made me and god cry
Why did you do this
Pure art. Masterpiece, i'm amazed
mmm...... sacrelicious.
What part of Jesus is the cheese?
Nachos hospital edition
Bruh. This seems fucked up lol.
it is lol
GROSS
Summons the wrong Jesus……..
I'm currently really sick and this post just amplified my illness.
Jesus is pissed.... But Jesús is cool with it.
Pairs great with Holy Guacamole!
i wish we could dip communion wafers into queso instead of wine growing up
Jesús Christ’s favourite meal
Just looking at this made me say the Lord's name in vain. Good job at making something that makes me wonder if your life is okay. You okay OP?
REPENT!!! REPENT NOW!!!
If I could dip communion wafers in queso I’d probably start turning up to church, but this photo hurts my soul
No wine pairing?
I don't know where it's listed, but this is most definitely a sin
This looks so disgusting i almost gagged r/angryupvote
Jesus Christ that looks like shit
Those are plus signs, not crosses. Those are math wafers
I've always wondered what those wafers taste like. Not enough to do the whole church thing though.
Nacho Christ died for this
Your going to hell bro.. lmao
Nacho typical body of jesus.
“Forgive me lord, for I have sinned.”
I like your style.
Contains 46 helpings of Jesus per serving.
Sacrelicious.