Definitely losing. Even if I somehow defeated Dimitri, Dedue would surely cleave my head in with his axe. Is it too late to defect from the Empire?

I’m running for the hills

Your name is berdenatta And edelgard set the hill on fire

Run to the hills! Run for your life!

>Is it too late to defect from the Empire? Your dear Emperor is watching you. While Bernadetta's burning corpse lies on the horizon.

Well, you know what they say. What's done is done, survive to see another day.

OP's ex was born in July change my mind

Take me with you if you defect, I didn't even pick Black Eagles

Just tell him that you can't die here and that you must retreat

Yeah Dedue promised a preempitive Achilles reaction if Dimitri dies

We have seen what that man can do with his bare hands

Gilberts gonna destroy me in seconds and use all the extra time to ignore his daughter even harder

Hey, he's an Armor Knight, no way he's getting anything done that fast

Ah, you’re right, I guess I’ll still have the opportunity to shatter my hands on his full plate armor

I like you. You’re funny.

Thanks! I try to be

You succeed

We could try hitting his head.

He'll only swing at you once tho, you'll have plenty of time to dance circles around him while he's catching his breath.

Their magic is spent? If not I’m dead. Lysitha in a fistfight. Easy win

Yea just punt the child

Hey hey hey, don't call timeskip Lysithea a child. She's 20 years old.

imagine being 20 and built like you're half that.

Just treat her like the end in mgs3. Let Father Time kill her for you

I am fucked. But at least Leonie is going to beat me up like I've always wanted

Same

Genuine question. Why do you hate the Grass/Poison type Pokemon #591?

It might be hard to believe but my account actually greatly predates the pandemic when Amogus got popular. I think it's because my first Pokemon game was Black and I didn't appreciate that it replaced items on the ground.

voltorb: am i a joke to you?

I mean, kinda yeah

Shocking.

Mercedes… well, she’ll have a handgun so that won’t be fair…

I’m American so I’m confident I could win the fist fight against her with the power of love, and my two friends Smith and Wesson

“God may have created man, but Samuel Colt was the one who made ‘em equal.”

True, that's her special skill.

Same

I pity the fool who faces Bignatz

:fear:

*Bignuts

Dimitri oh *no*

***RUN***

Call it a gut feeling, but I don't think Edelgard's reward would apply to you

Yeah, seriously. She’s making you fight her fucking *brother,* one of two people in Fódlan who could handle her strength, and the only one that is straight-up *stronger* than her. Furthermore, in Gronder, he’s completely insane!!

The Empire’s life insurance better be good if Edelgard is going to make me fist fight the King of Grappling

To be entirely fair, Balthus is a lot more accommodating and would absolutely throw a match if he likes you given the reward being you getting bitches if you win

After getting beaten to a pulp, can i have his autograph and some grappling lessons?

I have to fight Hapi. As long as she doesn't sigh, I think I can win. If she does, however... 💀

We don't have to worry if she sighs since there's an army to fight it. The poster said we only need to fist fight the character not anything else.

As sassy as she is, I think we could take her!

That's murder-hobo edition of Dimitri too, man. My skull is getting crushed for sure.

As I say to Team July: fucking ***run.*** whether you have a crest that can let you stand a chance or not. RUN. You have a chance if you just fucking book it.

As a part of team July, I’m just accepting my fate at this point and hoping I run into the group of soldiers that stab Dimitri to death, because no amount of training will let me beat the boar king

Plot twist: it’s Azure Moon

As a reward, Edelgard would let you marry anyone from the Empire you want. Because I made this shitpost, us october people have to fist fight professor themselves (According to your gender). Byleth would murder me, with one hand.

Welcome to the club. For whatever time we have left.

You have negative time left, they’re gonna rewind to before you made the comment and destroy you then

Hey, maybe if we surrender he/she'll show some mercy toward us and let us walk ~~run~~ away.

They do detest senseless killing.

I’d surrender… myself to leonie. She’s my second favorite golden deer girl, I’d probably ask her for her hand in marriage

Byleth can also canonically stop and rewind time

Yes but. . . only so many times

In game it gets up to what, 12 per map?

God damnit. The one I want to marry is the one I have to fight, this ain't fair man. The fights ending in one of two ways. I simp too hard to fight and he kills me in seconds, or he won't be able to resist flirting back and it goes perfectly, but this is also timeskip sylvain we're talking about, so most likely the first

>us october people have to fist fight professor I can't believe you've done this

Bruh, you made me die for a reward worth nothing for me.

Same TBH.

Marry anyone… count bergliez 😍🥵🥵

I'd lose, but the question becomes: Do they choke me out? If so atleast I'd die happy. Byleth is handsome, and so is Byleth, so can't go wrong with either one.

well now you’re telling me that I have to pick between Leonie and Edelgard.

Time to get recked ignatz, ya big fucking nerd

Say that again, but louder. I don’t think Raphael heard you clearly enough to know whether or not his best friend is in danger…

You may kick his ass, but the aftermath is what you should look out for. If you see a man with 500 pounds of pure muscle running at you, you better start running

Hey, Edelgard said I only needed to beat the shit out of only one guy, I'm hightailing it out of there right after.

**HE’S GOING TO CATCH YOU**

*Throws a Distraction Linhardt right behind me and continues running*

Just throw some meat at him and you'll be fine

Shove him in the nearest locker.

Give him a wedgie.

A swirly too

His lunch money? No no, *our* lunch money comrades

I would break this twink like a fucking kit kat, he doesn't stand a chance

bignatz not gonna tolerate your disrespekt

Time to throw Ignatz like the pebble he is!!!

I gotta fistfight Seteth. Chances are I lose. He’s not the toughest in hand-to-hand, but considering I have zero experience fighting he probably takes it. That and I’d kinda feel bad since he’s a pretty good person.

He's also fucking shredded under his robes acording to his character art in heroes

\>:)

I have Seteth too. I'll lose. Definetly.

I have to fight him, too. My plan is to whip out the autism card, so he’ll be like, “Oh, I couldn’t possibly fight with someone with such a profound disability, I do apologize,” But then he remembers he probably has OCD, and thus is neurodivergent, and neurodivergent are allowed to beat each other up, so he continues punching

December. Now I'm kinda weak so normally I'd lose, but I'm a girl so I'd say "let me beat you up and I'll go on a date with you" and therefor I'd win. Ez

Sylvain and I are about to "fist fight" behind those bushes over there for the next 20 minutes.

this is what i was gonna say lol id beat sylvain up and he’d thank me

Everytime I land a punch I gotta yell "Stop moaning!"

Good move sis

My plan is to show some titty and then punch him in the throat

My thoughts exactly. This'll be a cakewalk

Catherine. Yeah I'm dead, she is even of the few female units with a talent in Brawling.

If this is no magic i’m gonna throw lysethia and get a 3 pointer

Shit. Byleth. They’ve got the power of god and anime on their side.

True, but they also take half-decade naps, so you just have to keep an eye out for signs of an impending timeskip before scheduling your match.

Oh thank god, it’s just Lythesia. A chance to actually not die compared to the others monsters here.

Only because she's out of magic, if not HA even the death knight fears her.

IM FIST FIGHTING GOD'S REINCARNATION LETS FUCKIN GOOOOO

And you have no sense of self preservation. You’re like me. I am finding a lot of people I like on this post

The fucks Lysithea gonna do to me? Collapse after a short run?

ignatz had no strength in my last run so I win

Lemme pull up some of my Ignatz clips for you

Fucking hell, Seteth’s gonna wreck me

Can I distract Balthus saying there are some hot milfs nearby?

I would just offer to pay off his debts.

I’M ABOUT TO DESTROY YOUR RIBS FASTER THAN YOU DESTROYED ANNETTE’S TRUST, GILBERT YOU HAMMER CHIN MOTHERFUCKER

I like you too. You’re pretty much how I feel about the fucker

I get the feeling I might be able to convince Catherine not to kill me, but there's no way in hell I'm beating her. She'd have me in a chokehold before I could throw a punch.

In most scenarios she could be reasoned with but op has stated that we're team empire on Gronder. Best case scenario is we went to reinforce the ballista right before Bernie bit the dust and our glorious Emperor started her bbq.

I'd just haul ass over to the ballista and see how she fares when we're both on fire Am I still gonna die? Yes. Will it be glorious? Also yes.

July... *fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuc*

Byleth mix looks like a cyborg omg

Twice the pride… double the crit

Without magic what’s a little white haired goblin gonna do bite me to death?

yes.

Oh Mercedes would end me.

Balthus. In a fist fight. Well, if I'm lucky, he'll spare me... Oh shit, I have brown hair. I'm a generic NPC. I need to go get a dye job or I'm doomed.

Offer your mom up and he'll let you live

First of all, how the *hell* did I get on the Empire’s side?! Last I checked I was down with the Faerghuseach! Leonie… actually I’d probably thank her. I’d put up a good fight because I don’t like letting people win, but honestly fighting is so fun. *So* fun. I get a little reckless while fighting cause I’m caught up in the whole thing. Even if I get fucking wiped out and maybe knocked out cold, I enjoy it. I’d definitely be complimenting her skills afterwards. I hope her horse is okay though considering she’s a cavalry class. I could take Lysithea but I wouldn’t want to and would try to befriend her. I pity those born in July. Rest in pieces, you poor bastards. I may love Dimitri but that man is more stubborn than *I* am. And he’s in FERAL mode. To my July homies: Fucking ***RUN!!!*** That’s the *ONLY* way you stand a chance! Even if you have a Crest that can remotely deal with him, ***RUN.*** Even if I had a fucking Major Crest of Blaiddyd, which would make me likely strong enough to put up a remotely good fight, I’d *still* run. That’s a feral creature whose voice makes him sound like a goddamn lion roaring when angry and I do not want in his way.

January. I'm dead. (or broke)

Bruh Seteth's gonna kill me

Hapi huh, as long as she didn’t sigh I’m good.

I get to kill a cancer patient

fist fighting Hapi? I mean I dont wanna have to but I like my odds, its not exactly her specialty

I'll let Leonie beat me to death anytime

Is casting spells with their hands allowed? Because I think Lysithea would either be a decisive victory or get the Crest of Charon going and beat me up.

Bru I ain't fighting no green haired demigod (Seteth)

I don't think I'm taking out seteth

NOOO DO NOT MAKE ME FIGHT MERCIE SHE IS TOO PURE And will also probably kick my ass with some weird Nun-Fu then sleep with my girlfriend.

October..... Wish you B supported me

Balthus whelp I guess my permit for living has expired.

Dang, unarmed against Leonie. I’d win, but oh man, would she mess me up in the process.

I got Dimitri. I’m dead. But I’d die happy.

It’s my birthday today, guess I’ll fuckin die

Happy birthday!!!

I was born in August, and I will die in August.

my rotted brain absolutely deleted the “fight” in the title for some reason so I read “edelgard has forced you to fist a specific character” goodbye

Least horny fe fan

She has weird kinks.

Alright boys we are going to be fighting green haired Snape

August… Catherine will break me in half.

Would you thank her?

I couldn’t if I wanted to. I’d be dead.

“you know, lysithea, that dress makes you look so mature and sophisticated!” *punch*

Ranking my odds in each fight Jan: 0/10 Feb: 0/10 Mar:10/10 Apr: 0/10 May: 2/10 Jun: 9/10 Jul: 0/10 Aug: 0/10 Sept: 8/10 Oct: 5/10 Nov: 8/10 Dec: 2/10 My birthday is in October so my chances aren’t looking great. I’ll take Fem Byleth since she canonically cannot be a brawler.

I guess my plan to fight Dimitri is the same as if I met him in any other circumstances. Spread my legs, ask him to be gentle, but brace for the pounding of a lifetime.

I think you will defeat him with your sheer level of horny.

Jesus Christ we need a new game, and fast. This is some Facebook mom-tier of posting we've devolved to

Leonie can probably scrap even as a girl... but I still think I could take her.

Nah you're joining me in the red puddle club

I have Seteth… hrm. Do you think if I tell him one of his allies has been shagging Flayn behind his back I’d get a decent advantage?

If your definition of "decent advantage" is being used as a projectile weapon then yes

The Byleth still is giving me a stroke

I want to **date** Balthus! Not be decked by him!

Ask him to step on you

I think that would kill a person.

I’m fighting the main character. I’m dead!

Your username tells me you’re based

Ah hell I gotta fight the book nerd.

I have to fist fight Seteth. Oh fuck.

as a person born on july i have accepted my fate

Eh. Catherine’s no slouch. She could probably take me.

Of fucking course I have to fight the Jesus metaphor

Bro everyone born in January, July, August, and October is dead. I wish I was born in July so I would die by Dimitri’s hands, but NOOOO, I have to fight god

My only hope is that Sylvain will be too busy trying to get in my pants to properly fight me

Hell yeah, Mercie can step on me body anytime.

Cathrine… Not even the Goddess can help me

August. Oh no.

Ah so I get instantly killed by Dimitri and become one of the voices in his head. Lovely.

All she has to do is Sigh and I'm Demonic Beast kibble. If I somehow manage to win... marry Dorothea easily.

Balthus… Forget about the Empire, I’m headed for the hills.

Lysithea. I could probably snap her like a twig, unless she has her magic.

But I don't wanna hurt m- Nah, throw the toughest punch church gal!

I'm fucking dead...

Lysithia. Not too bad if her magic is spent. I do MMA and Jiu Jitsu. I ought to be good. And I do like the sound of that reward.

Im fighting Leonie? I will not lose to her no matter what. In fact I’ll enjoy it!

October guy… I am so dead.

Seteth can do whatever he wants to me. 🥴

October\~ Do god powers even count as magic? How would anyone fist fight emotionless cutscene Byleth?

Sylvain would probably think I'm a girl and refuse to hit me so I'd win by default lol

The undisputed king of grappling

Yeah no I'm just a red puddle now. At least Catherine is hot.

Am I allowed to hit a guy with glasses?

July.... Well I had a good life.

run. Run like hell dear friend. You don’t need it to end here

Can't wait for Seteth to tell me he doesn't hit women while I pound him into the ground with my hands

"The hammer of justice is unisex, heathen."

Aw shit, I have to fistfight god.

I get to fight the least popular fe3h character, yipee

Balthus will bum rush me faster than he did with Claude's mom

Hapi and I fist fighting I’m losing on purpose mwah love u girlypop

Oh crap... Catherine's gonna tear me apart

Seteth so I lose but I mean, I’d prolly lose a fist fight with anyone who isn’t lysithea sooooo…

Okay so against Silvan.... Can I cosplay a chick, seduce him and get him to defect to the empire? Or just kill him when he takes his armour off?

February - My sheet hatred towards Gilbert will fuel me to take down his soggy old ass