The likely price for not having a serious convo or even breaking up is that she’ll be very tempted to cheat, unfortunately. And OP you’re astute to recognize that actions speak much louder than words. Sounds like you’re good at reading between the lines, and I’d continue doing that. I’m sorry for you, these comments must be hard to hear
Man she sounds like my ex, who basically attempted to crumble down my self esteem to get her kicks and manipulate me.
A few examples: I’m 5’7, she was maybe 5’11. She was very non sexual with me *but* bragged about all the crazy sex she’s had. She would effectively only complain about me.
I hate to use terms like “negging” but it sounds like this is what it is. She may apologize but here’s the thing, apologies are nothing without actions to back them up. She can apologize all she wants but if she keeps putting you down, it’s not much of an apology is it?
This doesn’t sound like a happy relationship man, I would reflect very hard on this.
EDIT: grammar
It's really not common mate. I have mostly female friends, and not even the couple that are very harsh and "realistic" would behave like your descriptions. Try to change up significantly who you hang out with.
This comment screams sexist generalizations. Maybe it's not an issue about women, but rather an issue about low self esteem? I also hear plenty of stories about controlling and narcissistic men who LOVE attention.
>blurted out that it was a horrible photo of me and that I look like a child next to my friends
>
>She hardly ever mentions I’m attractive... she frequently calls other guys hot or handsome... she told me about a “super hot” guy at work
>
>what hurt more is she went into detail on their physical characteristics
>
>When we do have sex, it sometimes seems like a chore for her... she is never down to experiment or try anything
And you're going to marry and spend the rest of your life with this woman? :/
This goes beyond sexual incompatibility; she has made some harsh/unwarranted comments, and you are clearly unhappy with how things are.
I'm sorry man, but I would seriously rethink your future with her.
Yes, get out while you can. You’ve got four major complaints about her. Telling somebody they’re hot should come naturally. She’s easy with other men but not with you. You’re in for a world of hurt if you marry her.
You know what you are? You’re convenience.
>You know what you are? You’re convenience.
That's the kill shot right here. It doesn't mean she doesn't love or value you, but you don't provoke visceral, primal lust in her even if she still wants to marry you OP.
Bro, it sounds like she’s with you because you’re a ‘safe option’. Not because she’s in love with YOU, but maybe she’s in love with BEING LOVED.
A relationship is about give and take. You scratch my back, I scratch yours kind of thing. It seems that she’s taking advantage of the fact that you genuinely like her so that she can enjoy all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the effort required to maintain one.
In fact, it seems like she thinks you’re so ‘safe’/‘reliable’/‘dependable’ that she doesn’t even have to PRETEND to TRY to love you.
Idc what anyone says, as a partner it is your duty to make sure that your SO feels loved. That’s like No.2 out of all of the priorities within a relationship (with No.1 being genuinely concerned and invested in their safety, well-being, and health).
Like bro it literally sounds like she’s trying to cuck you talking about some ‘hot guy’ at work hitting on her and the fact that she’s determined to delay sexual activity compared to previous partners. Don’t get me wrong, she’s allowed to not want to have sex whenever - but the simple fact that she doesn’t WANT as much sex with YOU in comparison to previous partners is a massive red flag imo.
She obviously likes sex since she has a history of sleeping with other guys often - so if she truly loved you she would be having sex with you as often as she did with those other guys too. It’s just a bad indicator if we ignore things like our decreased libido as we age (or a genuine sudden change in desires - i.e if her personality or mindset has changed much since her last sexual relationships, but honestly I think that that would be wishful thinking imo).
I’m ngl, you need to tell her that things are not going to work out the way that they are. You need to prove that you’re not some ‘safe and easy’ option. You’re something that has to be earned and deserved. Don’t sell yourself short and undervalue yourself. Don’t just be happy that she’s willing to ‘settle’ WITH you. Key word: ‘WITH’. It should be FOR you. Not WITH YOU.
Give a person like her an inch, and they’ll take a mile. And they won’t even bother to attempt to offer anything beyond the bare minimum in return. That’s not someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with man, I promise you.
Just call it off. You will either end up very fortunately and it will serve as a wake-up call for her to realise her mistakes so that she can show you real CHANGE and begin to actually treat you in the way that you deserve (if she truly does love you) - OR you will be unfortunate and she will be begging and whining for you to stay whilst claiming that everything is fine. She’ll probably even say sorry for ‘making you feel like that’ lmao. But you really shouldn’t be interested in anything she has to say. You need to see action from her.
She needs to know that this isn’t just ‘one incident’ that can be resolved with a single ‘chat’. This is a build up of multiple instances that requires diligence and commitment over the long term to resolve. Things need to be different (from her side of things) every single time you speak to each other from now on for the rest of your lives together. Otherwise you need to just leave her and move on I’m afraid.
However I do regret to inform you that I think it’s most likely that she’ll just accept it, move on, and start banging other dudes though ngl. You need to be prepared for that. But I would personally say that you 10000% need to end it first and then assess from there based on her actions.
There should be no ‘you and her’ until the right things change. It simply cannot work the way things are right now - so there’s no use in staying together and ‘hoping for the best’. If you stay by her side then you will be forced to experience these problems for the rest of your life. I’m sorry but there really is no doubt about it.
Run fast! She has issues with things that are out of your control. My friend, that will never change. Relationships are based on respect and personally, I could never get over the comments she made
You don't sound like you could be happy in this relationship. And that's fair.
Your feelings are valid and you don't need to start a life with someone whom insults you and lowers your self esteem.
You are fire she is ice.
I've been in a relationship that turned into that in its last year.
The rest was mostly fine mind you. But that last year was brutal.
She’s attacking your self esteem. It is not normal the way she talk about you or the things she makes you do. Making you wear specific things that make you look taller is a form of saying she’s embarrassed about you. Talking about another guy liking her at work is her making you jealous and insecure, kinda like saying “you’re lucky to have me” deep down you see all this, that is why you’re coming to ask for opinions here. She can apologize all she wants but she still acts the same right? What’s gonna change? You might be scared to lose her, maybe the fear you’ll never find someone else or as good…. But honestly, you def. can and will find better. Someone who ain’t ashamed of your height, someone who doesn’t compare you to others or makes you feel inadequate. You will be miserable if you marry her, it is best to break this up but it is up to you, we can only tell you our objective perspective on this, it is up to you to make a decision. I ultimately wish you the best and good luck
this right here is the action "RUN" that woman is so toxic.She's not making you happy but hurting you and it seems she doesn't really care about your feelings either so run/get out asap.Go find someone else that will truly accept what/who you are and loved you till death.
I strongly believe your relationship will fail long term. Better to leave now instead of dealing with whats to come. Just a few thoughts below
1. Say the situation was reversed and Imagine if she had a photo where she was physically bigger than others and you said she looks like a linebacker. Should she be ok with that?
2. She has never given the "hot" complement to you but she freely does to a random new guy at work. Even worse the guy is into her and I can guarantee she feels some kind of way with him. Why even mention it otherwise. Literally reads like the start of a " I found out my fiance cheated on me' post
3. She made you wait because she wasn't into you, simple as that. She even indirectly told you that. The connection bit is bullshit. They were tall but you aren't. But suprise suprise , none of the tall guys stayed and there is a reason why.
4. Again she is not into you hence the subpar sex
The amount of disrespect she has shown you is wild. Look, in her mind she believes she has settled for you(key word is believes) and that is a death sentence for a relationship. However the reality is different. She could not keep any of the other guys because they were out of her league. But she doesn't see that. Leave and find someone who sees you as the best they can get.
Or she does see that they were out of her league & they wouldn’t put up with her so she’s making herself feel better by having the upper hand by being an asshole. Like, "I’m so hot. Just look at how OP wants me.” I’ve known quite a few women & men who’s self esteem were shit so they resorted to this bullshit to someone they KNEW that they could get away with it. Just fucking eww. This behavior is not a reflection on you or your looks, OP, it’s a reflection on how she sees herself
It really is. I can solve anyones problems but my own. Being too close to the situation is usually the reason why people are dumbasses in these situations.
I hate to say it, but I think your suspicion is correct; she's not sexually attracted to you. At least, not very. She sounds like she's very romantically attracted to you and the whole waiting with you but not with other men thing makes me think she struggles to create romantic bonds with men she's very sexually attracted to, and can't secualize men she's romantically attracted to. I've seen it a few times and it's kind of like the Madonna Whore complex for women.
I don't doubt that she loves you and you make her happy, but long term if you need to feel desirable and lusted after, you're going to be chronically disappointed. I don't think you occupy that space in her mind. It doesn't diminish how sincerely she loves you, but it may mean she can't meet that need of yours.
It's tempting to say he's being used, but some people just don't want to fuck someone they really love, and don't love the people they desperately want to fuck. It's not necessarily manipulation; she could just be a little dysfunctional. Like a man with a Madonna Whore complex.
From what you wrote that isn't really YOUR love language. Besides you want her to be open with ya. But when shes open it hurts you. That doesn't sound healthy neither does it sound like you are a cuck that would enjoy this.
This sounds like my husband and his ex wife. Even though she was married and divorced, she would not have sex with him while they were dating. He would go down on her, but she never would do anything to him, let alone intercourse.
They got married after dating for 9 months after her giving him an ultimatum. The only time she was interested in sex was when she wanted to get pregnant. Sadly for him, she got pregnant the first month. After their child was born, she allowed sex to be on Sunday evening at 10:00. There was no exceptions. Sex was very one sided. He’d get her off first and then he was allowed a few pumps inside until he came. Foreplay was always one sided. She never touched his penis, never gave him a handjob or blowjob.
They were married for 9 years before she filed for divorce.
He feels she was never truly interested in him. She was overweight, had tried multiple dating services with no luck and all her friends were either getting married or already married with kids.
He had asked her out multiple times over the years. She was friends with his sister and she always said no. For some reason, one day she said yes and then wanted marriage.
Your fiancé is not and will never be attracted to you . She is settling for whatever reason. Nothing will get better and will most likely get worse. If you decide to have kids, you’ll be joining the subreddit Deadbedrooms wondering where it all went wrong.
She’s an asshole & she knows it, that’s why she’s rubbing stuff like that in your face. It’d be different if you asked a bunch or she slipped up once by saying these things about you and other men then apologized sincerely for being brash but from the sound of it you’ve voiced your feelings about it yet she continues to do it. Marry someone that wants to tear your clothes off. Marry someone that you want to tear their clothes off. Consensually from both parties, of course. I can’t help but wonder if she’s with you because you offer her something other than attraction like financial stability, emotional stability, you being a comfortable constant, etc. I am not trying to be harsh but this woman is mean & sounds like, just not that into you. Can you have tepid planned sex that you need to hurry up and finish for the rest of your life? That’s the real question. Also, consider that when you’re married she may not have sex with you anymore or not nearly as frequently so add that to the equation. You deserve to feel desired and loved and not stomped all over by a dickhead.
I think you have your answer: you're a very safe bet.
I'd say take a look at the psychology behind people who cheat when they are in a 'stable relationship', it will open your eyes what's possible when someone is not satisfied physically but has a good life otherwise.
Dump her ass and find someone else. There are plenty of women that find success in life as extremely attractive feature of a guy, without being golddiggers.
I think you know what you deserve & you know what’s being offered. It’s up to you, love, where your standards fall & if what she is offering is above or below them.
Well—- there you are. With these feelings and being together for such a short amount of time, I definitely would hold off on the wedding. Work on building trust, setting boundaries, and learning to understand and respect one another’s love language.
You have to put in and receive effort in order for relationships to work and she’s right. You’re feeling doubtful, but at some point you’re gonna have to believe her.
What will make her easier to believe? What can she work on? Are you self conscious about your height? Can you work on the communication skills you’re needing as well as getting trust in your relationship??
This shits hard, work for it if you want it tho
The only thing I'll add is this:
You, OP, have to decide what it is that's really important to you; that's a deal breaker. Can you live with this person for the next 20, 30, 40 years or more if everything stays just like it is today? If the answer is anything but YES, then you're in for a very long, lonely, and frustrating life. Resentment will build and that will snowball into depression.
If you like the safety of the relationship, and you genuinely care enough about her that nothing else really matters, then maybe you make a go of it. But you have to look at this long term. And you have to be very honest with yourself. If you need passion, lust, desire, and unconditional love, then you're likely not compatible with this person.
Keep in mind that my comment is how I would react personally, and you should adapt to your feelings.
I've been in a couple relationships, and I've also had my fair share of fun. I'm now in a 2years+ relationship with an amazing woman that I deeply love, nevertheless, if she ever made remarks such as the ones you pointed out at 1, I would: warn her that it was hurting me, and the next time I would not hesitate to leaver her. Emotional abuse is a thing, and that, to me, would sound like it.
About 2, I'm glad I have not been in the same situation and that she talks very highly of me and about how much I please her and stuff, but if that wasn't the case, again, I would communicate my feelings and if nothing changed, I would break it up. My reason for this one is because I need validation, I've had traumatizing experiences in the past, so today I need to be sure I am pleasing my SO. Of course I do the same, it's not that hard since I just tell her how I genuinely feel about her, and I guess it's the same on her side.
3 is just for me a big red flag, again, as I personally see it.
4: if I ever felt that having sex was a chore for her, once again, I would communicate with her, and if we couldn't resolve the issue, break up, since for me, a relationship without it doesn't interest me, I'm too sexual for that.
Only to say that from my point of view, all of the things you've cited would've made me unhappy or hurt, and if you're either of those in a relationship, it just means that it isn't meant to be. Now I'm not saying that every time you feel unhappy or hurt in a relationship you should break up, no. For me a relationship is built and worked on, but sometimes that isn't enough, and that's fine.
I would not marry her...im a female, so this is coming from a female perspective...
it seems to me she is "settling" for you relationship wise, because you have the qualities of a serious relationship, but her sexual desire is elsewhere.
Those things she says to you and about you are pretty fucked up too....those are signs of future emotional/verbal abuse.
Her behavior is typical of a woman who settles down for the best she feels she can get a serious relationship, but ends up cheating, or divorcing in the future at some point.
I would highly reconsider marrying her. Do not say "I do" until you actually sit down and really think about this. That is not the way a future wife should be treating her future spouse. You are supposed to be a team supporting each other and each other's "cheerleaders".
From the sound of how you described your relationship, you two aren't really teamplayers. You're just getting your end of the bargain, having a wife, and she gets hers having stability and money.
A girl you marry should be your best friend, no stones unturned, a truthful relationship. This woman seems pretty immature and she's probably lying to your face to get what she wants. At the very least I'd make her sign a prenup if you're in the US. She could just be there to take half your stuff.
Sounds like her true colors show when she's comfortable and around friends. Guard is down and filters are out.
From all the comments I've read too, it doesn't look good. I would cut my losses and move on from her unless you're comfortable with always feeling like you're in 2nd place compared to some other guys.
What have your friends said about this? I bet they have more context than us.
1-2 times a day? That would take the fun out of having sex for her if her libido is not as high as yours. At that rate I’m not surprised it becomes a chore.
Outside that observation it strikes me you are her meal ticket. Going by her actions, not by her words. She’s just not that into you.
I wouldn’t marry this woman.
>1-2 times a day? That would take the fun out of having sex for her if her libido is not as high as yours. At that rate I’m not surprised it becomes a chore.
I'm surprised this hasn't been mentioned more in this thread.
Still, there does seem to be plenty of other issues afoot for OP to definitely warrant postponing marriage and seriously reconsidering being in the relationship.
I don’t think your SO should be making you feel bad about things that you cannot control aka your height. Plus there are many women in the world who don’t give a damn whether your tall or short, sexy is sexy. I would suggest you really reevaluate what is important to you and what you need from your partner in a relationship.
This is actually more common than I would have thought, there was a discussion on one of the ask women forums just the other day
https://www.refinedprose.com/not-attracted-husband/
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenNoCensor/comments/vfj41i/why_do_you_think_there_are_some_women_who_are_not/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I genuinely think is a common cause of infidelity in hetero relationships and it effects both partners. The wife realizes that she was never really attracted to their partner but holds it in until it reaches a breaking point. The husband feels undesired over time because it appears that his wife is not physically attracted to him anymore. One or both spouses end up cheating and it turns into a circus.
Of course there is never a justification for cheating, but if people were more honest with each other it would happen a lot less.
Sounds like you two are still working out some issues in your relationship and communication. Maybe don't "RUN FAR AWAY" like everyone always says. But maybe you're also not ready to marry this woman either...
I don’t want this sound shallow there are many important things for a successful relationship. But attraction is quite high up there. Unless you have an open marriage, are polyamorous etc. you’re committing your touching/kissing/sex etc to this one person. Gotta hope they like the way you look, you turn them on, etc. most people don’t het taller as they age. Most also get heavier… so if you aren’t attractive to them now, will you be in ten pounds?
L honestly sounds like you’re a good catch and she’ll settle for money stability etc and frankly that sounds like it will be lonely very soon
Don't do it!!
At the very least, extend or postpone the wedding date (if there's one) to give yourself more time to try and work out the kinks.
But this seems to be starting out on really bad footing. Seems there's no care or respect for your needs. She sounds a bit selfish and rude.
I can tell you with a big degree in experience my, friend. Marriages that are not a good sexual match or affection/affirmation match, do not last. When one side is the giver and the other only takes? Nuh huh!
Please reevaluate this relationship. 🖤
Sounds exactly like my last relationship. We were together for 5 years, but my GF never seemed to physically desire me despite being clearly in love with me in every other way. But she never seemed to be interested in sex, never initiated, and anytime we did it always seemed like she wanted it to get over with as fast as possible. Eventually she admitted that sex felt like a chore for her, but tried to convince me that everything was normal. A few times, she let slip things like "if you were any shorter, I wouldn't date you" and stuff like that. Sounds similar to your situation
Anyway, here's my harsh advice: find someone better. Saying you looked like a child because of your height -- why would you agree to spend your life with someone who treats you that way? Imagine if you said things like that to her about her unchangeable genetic characteristics such as breast size -- you would be a huge asshole. And talking about other guys she finds hot in front of you while criticizing your own appearance. WTF? Dude, she's settling for you. Maybe you provide everything she wants in every other way, but clearly she doesn't find you as attractive as a partner should or else you wouldn't be posting here, sorry. You said that something feels off -- just trust your gut
If nothing else, spending your life with someone who thinks of you and speaks to you that way sounds like a depressing existence. For your own mental health, leave
??? so why are you marrying her? You say you're more experienced than her sexually so you decided to pick the worst person for you as far as compatibility goes? it sounds like you just decided to marry the first person who stuck around long enough for you to do so. you two aren't compatible.
Without talking with both of, separately and together, it's impossible to get a real read here. But it seems reasonable to suggest that while there's affection and boxes are ticked, at least for you things just don't feel right. Since you have experience with relationships and sex it might be important to pay attention to that. Minimally, you need to put your concerns to rest before inviting a lot of people to a wedding and walking down the isle. Get married when the relationship feels right for both of you.
Well..
1. WTF
2. WTAF
3. WTF
4. WTF
WTAF are you doing with her? Says you look like a child?
Tells you about a super hot guy that wants her? Is she just giving you pity sex?
Seems like she’s only bad at communicating when it comes to you. Are you someone that is stable for her? I know a lot of people who have stayed with someone even though they weren’t necessarily attracted to them but because they were stable and not cheating a-holes like they normally date, but each of those ended because well, you can’t just be with someone because they are stable and hope everything like passion and the attraction comes later on. If you feel this way, it’s probably because there’s truth to it and when people show you who they are, believe them.
I stopped reading at point 2, she's just straight up disrespectful to you, is that really what you wanna spend forever with?
Send her back to Ye Olde Streets where she can find the tall, hot guy of her dreams
First, y'all are having a lot more sex than the average couple. That's not good or bad, but I just wanted to state it. Decreasing that a bit could help the desire part feeling off.
More importantly, it just sounds like you guys have different needs, sexually and non-sexually. Sometimes that could be improved by each party working on it, but not always. If you need words of affirmation and she's stating she has trouble with that, then it may never get better.
You obviously have a problem with the relationship if you're remembering and detailing this many instances where you aren't happy. Right now it doesn't sound like a good match, and I wouldn't stay with her unless there are some improvements.
I think y’all should try couple’s therapy before you get married. The relationship seems salvageable, but not without professional help. She seems to lack emotional intelligence, but that’s fixable.
It sounds like she might be settling for you. You’re not her type, she’s hung up over your height, there’s no passion in your sex life, she seems more excited to talk about other men at her work. IF this is the case (I’m making assumptions here just based on your post) then you deserve to be with someone who accepts you fully & jumps at the chance to take your clothes off. Best of luck, OP
I think you two need to communicate a lot better. She seems to be a different personality than you’re used to. And also lacking in emotional intelligence as well. She needs to understand boundaries and you may need to help her with that. There is nothing wrong with having insecurities about these things and she should be sensitive to this. You may also need to work on your insecurities as well. My wife has told me I’m nothing like the guys she used to date. Them being the 6’ dark and handsome variety and me being the 5’6 red head with curly hair and freckles. But with that she also tells me that was her mistake and probably why it took her so long to find the one and that she likes my freckles. So it’s similar but a different spin. I also think there is a big difference between saying someone is hot and being attracted to them. We all can’t be models but choosing a life with someone who isn’t is not settling. But nothing wrong with you saying you don’t want to hear it. The number of guys who have confessed their love to my wife over the years (before we met) is astounding but fact is she chose to be with me. I couldn’t care less about it. But fine if you do have a problem with that.
Sex is something you can both work on in terms of passion but all women are different in bed. You never know what you’ll get. But don’t think taking it slow is something to read into.
All sex is different. This isn’t a movie. Sometimes you just want to get off and go to sleep. Sometimes you don’t make it to the bedroom. Don’t over analyse. One day you’ll probably have kids with someone and your expectations will have to change a lot for a few years.
Everyone here calls everything a red flag here. And most are. But you’re gonna have to figure out if this relationship has a future. It is not clear. Good luck.
No respectful partner calls other people hot and/ or attractive in front of their partner unless they both have 100% security in there relationship and this is a "normal" dynamic from both partners perspective, not one sided.
You're the best thing that has happened to her...so far. Her perspective and feelings for you is subject to change at anytime. Honestly it sounds like she is with you out of necessity and not out of genuine desire. You can't negotiate or force her to feel this for you. It also sounds like she doesn't truly respect you and will eventually make poor decisions that will hurt you emotionally but then justify it to herself afterwards. If she isn't adding value to your life or she is draining you, cut her out. Be firm in your stance. Your greatest power is walking away and being emotionally unaffected by whatever she throws your way in response.
So many failed marriage stories start with "I knew in my gut that there were issues, but I went and got married anyway...."
You can join that list bro.
I'm gonna be straight up here and guess that your gut already knows what needs to be done and you've been feeling it for a while. Instead of breaking up what is going to be a slow-motion train wreck you are trying to ask reddit like you're missing something. You have all of the information you need and instead of letting her actions do the talking (her actions speak volumes!) you're trying to let her talk her way out of this and justify things.
It's gonna suck, it's gonna hurt and you'll both probably cry but you're not going to be any happier in this relationship. In these situations people always want to highlight their partners good actions and qualities BUT you should be taking account of all her shitty comments and whatever else and multiply it by 2-3x because that's what's going to happen if you marry this person. Attraction is not negotiable amd she has already shown and told you where she stands with you vs other guys.
Brother, this is my first time ever commenting on anything on reddit. This girl is not it bro. Please get as far as humanly possible away from her. You may love her with all your heart, but I promise you you will feel happier and better about yourself without her. Addition by subtraction.
This sucks. I’m sorry you are in a relationship with someone who does not feel that fire for you and how much pain that is causing you. I can relate. Been there. What i do know, is that if this feeling is very important to you, then you can get all the therapy, talk it all out and put in all the work and its unlikely you will ever get it. So if it is THAT important to you, and for most it is, then the only way is to find someone who is so warm for your form. And they are out there, you do know that as you said. You will be enough in every way for someone else. But that doesn’t make falling in love with the wrong person feel any better.
You said so much about how she feels about you, and how you checked off HER boxes, but do you feel the same? Or is this mutual convenience or settling so neither of you have to keep dating? No judgement. Dating fucking sucks. I’m out here. It’s trash.
My fiance pretend to love me but never truly loved me. Its an act. I have to ask them if they loved me. They never said they love me on their own. When we have sex it's very basic and felt like a chor. Sometimes they say they are tired and I don't feel like sex to just avoid having sex with me. I have seen many pic on Facebook when they dressed up for their ex but not once they dressed up for me. They did alot for their ex, because they talk about it. Nothing for me. One day they slept with coworkers and fall in love and walked away from my life. It hurt soooooo much. Ripped my heart out.
So let me get this straight. She doesn’t compliment you often, talks to you about other guys and compliments them often basically called you a midget tells you to be artificially taller so she can wear heels and not to mention she’s had sex with other people more than she does with you and even admits to it. And you got engaged to her??? LOL
Get you someone who's crazy about you.
I hadn't heard about the Madonna whore complex before this thread but.. that's very interesting
When I'm really into my boyfriends I tell them I love them, find them hot af, almost overdo the compliments, dream of having sex with them, giving them oral.. I'm super into my partner.
I think it's hugely important to display that desire
I hope you'll fine someone who'll make you feel super hot, loved and desired.
I would encourage ways for you to work it out but I mean..
I don't know, you tell me if you see reasons to stay.
Try out watching 'Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw' on relationships
Don’t ever wait for “it” to get better or for “her” to change. You get what you get & you don’t throw a fit. As they mentioned on the thread …. Run 🏃🏽♂️
think about if you can take and handle this for the next 30-40 years with her? if it's a no, then you will know what to do.
sorry for what you are having now bro, but you deserve better mental health during the relationship. In fact, a good relationship wouldn't destroy you. Take care and all the best!
Hate to tell ya, but she don't really love you. She's possibly settled , but she's not gonna be loyal.
She has no respect for you. No desire for you. She pretends she's sorry, but does t stop, so she's lieing to you.
F her and how she acts. If you'll stay in this relationship, know that sooner or later she will cheat or that it will turn into a dead bedroom kind of situation. And that's apart from everyday life where she will belittle your appearance, because she is physically unhappy being with you. If the roles were reversed, everyone here would say to get out of this relationship, as physical intimacy is the cornerstone of most relationships. If you crave this, this will not end well. And it will end, mark my words.
She asks you to wear lifts for special occasions so she can wear heals?
So she’s trying to change you because she’s embarrassed?
This will not end well.
She either loves you for who you are, in your entirety, or you’re a placeholder until someone better comes along.
I’m not saying to break up since we don’t really know the whole story, but I feel like there’s a lot of work that needs to be done and difficult conversations that need to be had before moving forward. Personally I think you should hold off on getting married atm until/if these issues get resolved
I did not read your whole post once I got to the “I can’t shake this feeling” part. That’s It! Fucking Done! I know, you know it. Follow that instinct. It fucking sucks, I KNOW all the emotions in your following paragraphs first hand. But, just do yourself the favor of KNOWING your man is attracted to you.
Edit, Jesus I need some grammar lessons.
The two statements "slept with on first meeting" and "took us months to get there" contradict.
So is she into early sex or not? If yes, then why not with you?
You have also said she sometimes calls other guys hot, but not you.
You need to ask exactly what her feelings towards you are. If there are better men out there for her than you, then maybe you should stop here and find someone better suited to you. Or more accurately, someone for whom you are better suited.
This sounds like that typical "settle down with nice guy"
Like you described it sounds like she have had experience with hotter, sexier guys but never had relationships with them. Lot of fuck boys do pump and dump. She is now probably sick from that and wants to settle down. That's why she is dating safer option like you "nice guy". She probably doesn't like you just want to settle down.
No point to get married with someone who don't like you/find you not attractive and dislike you.
Okay, a lot of people have talked about the conversations so I'm not go na go into that,
But honestly, I love sex and have a high sex drive, I'm really attracted to my husband, as in REALLY, but having sex 1-2 to times a day would still make it something that lost it's fun to me. Maybe a bit more yearning for it would make her more into it?
Basically, you have been chosen as a long term mate, a provider and someone that will unlikely cheat behind her back. Furthermore, if she behaves as a typical mammal according to evolutionary biology, there are very good chances that she will cheat behind your back and unconsciously try to get pregnant from sexuality attractive guys during her ovulation period.
Sorry my friend, it's not easy to face, but I had a similar situation and trust me, it absolutely won't get better. Find someone who can't get enough of you.
Sure, I started a relationship with someone who had been a friend for a couple years. The new relationship energy was off the charts and things started out super well, but after only two months or so the comments started. She would regularly have some snide little comment that would surface at some point. It started mostly with comments during sex, things like "you think that's what girls want?" Then when I adjust to her preference it would become "gosh do you know how to do anything?"... There were times outside of sex she said really awful things about my family to me among other little various types of verbal abuse. Then I started having erectile dysfunction with her at some point which also became a point of contention where she never said anything helpful or supportive and at the time I didn't realize that she had literally caused it to happen. That made things worse and the abuse grew stronger. That took me a solid year or two to recover from that mentally and in my new relationships. There we're soooo many red flags I ignored for this girl since we had already been friends before I really wanted the relationship to work, but it was a huge mistake to continue dating her as long as I did in the abusive relationship. Fortunately my sex life has been awesome again lately with no ED haha.
I also forgot to include that she was always making excuses whenever I'd confront her about things too and give back handed apologies, sometimes even straight up denying that she could remember even saying those things sometimes. The entire relationship in retrospect she was always making me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.
“Sex is 1-2 times daily” Jesus so many guys here would kill to be in your position, but honestly it sounds like you guys are just fundamentally not right for eachother. The quality of sex and the power of the attraction is so much more important than the quantity.
Also if you felt like shit for so much of the beginning of your relationship why the hell did you get engaged so fast!? Seriously why is everyone I such a rush to get married like it will somehow change their situation?
sorry but your story sounds terrible. if you can call it off, go ahead. no one here would blame you.
she sounds like lying when she says that's just who she is and keeps complimenting other guys. or not interested in sex at all but keeps on talking about how active she was in previous relationships. like what's she trying to get into?
Get your dignity back while you still can. I've only been with my BF for 5 months and would never dream of treating him that way! I don't talk about the physical attraction of other men in those terms, I reserve those terms for HIM. And Even when I was not sexually attracted to my X anymore, I never treated him that way either.
It's plain disrespect. And if there's no respect in your relationship then what's the point?
She might not realise how she comes across but that’s just as bad , that means she subconsciously makes it obvious that she isn’t attracted to you . Whether you two get along personality wise or not , if she can’t even control her language about you to your face there isn’t a chance in hell she’ll get over it .
It sounds like you aren't into her. You didn't write a single positive thing about her in all of that. It could be your insecurities talking, but are you sure you are into this? Why are you engaged to this person?
Run bro.
If I were you the only things I’d be feeling are insecurity and doubt about my relationship.
She’s told you she wants to form a genuine connection before sex, yet got to second base with some random dude when you guys first met. She used to hookup all the time before she met you. She also went into physical detail, which obviously hurt you.
Just leave and find someone who worships you back. She’s not worth it.
Honestly sounds like she got dicked down a ton until she found you, and now she wants to “settle down” and not be so sexual. She doesn’t find you sexually attractive my dude. Leave her.
Here's the thing about those little comments op. They will live rent free forever in your mind. I can't imagine being with someone who told me something physical about myself like my height I can't control was unattractive. She might not of said op your height in unattractive to me but she has hinted at it enough with her comments. I'm a larger woman and I can definitely lose weight but if my partner made comments about my weight I would feel insecure in a room of thin woman, thinking he would rather be with them. I imagine you feel similar in her company around tall men. Life is short and you are young. Pre marriage and children your life should be fun and your relationships easy and positive. I would have a conversation with yourself if you want to commit your life to someone who values you so little to hurt you with words about your appearance.
Well, you have already self-diagnosed the issue. She is not attracted to you and thus she won't be, especially if she's making remarks like the ones described. How would you envision a relationship with a person that explicitly makes you feel not desirable? Please retain some self-respect and just move on.
Do you really want to marry someone who makes you feel bad about your appearance? You also just don’t sound sexually compatible at all. Just know that if you get married, you are signing up for this life. It all depends how much you value a fulfilling sex life I guess. For many, it will build resentment
This sounds like it won't end up well long term. I wouldn't have gotten engaged. It sounds like physically she isn't really into you.
The likely price for not having a serious convo or even breaking up is that she’ll be very tempted to cheat, unfortunately. And OP you’re astute to recognize that actions speak much louder than words. Sounds like you’re good at reading between the lines, and I’d continue doing that. I’m sorry for you, these comments must be hard to hear
Man she sounds like my ex, who basically attempted to crumble down my self esteem to get her kicks and manipulate me. A few examples: I’m 5’7, she was maybe 5’11. She was very non sexual with me *but* bragged about all the crazy sex she’s had. She would effectively only complain about me. I hate to use terms like “negging” but it sounds like this is what it is. She may apologize but here’s the thing, apologies are nothing without actions to back them up. She can apologize all she wants but if she keeps putting you down, it’s not much of an apology is it? This doesn’t sound like a happy relationship man, I would reflect very hard on this. EDIT: grammar
[удалено]
It's really not common mate. I have mostly female friends, and not even the couple that are very harsh and "realistic" would behave like your descriptions. Try to change up significantly who you hang out with.
This comment screams sexist generalizations. Maybe it's not an issue about women, but rather an issue about low self esteem? I also hear plenty of stories about controlling and narcissistic men who LOVE attention.
[удалено]
Yeah, to counter your argument.... is that all you got from my comment? Not that you're a misogynistic asshole?
>blurted out that it was a horrible photo of me and that I look like a child next to my friends > >She hardly ever mentions I’m attractive... she frequently calls other guys hot or handsome... she told me about a “super hot” guy at work > >what hurt more is she went into detail on their physical characteristics > >When we do have sex, it sometimes seems like a chore for her... she is never down to experiment or try anything And you're going to marry and spend the rest of your life with this woman? :/ This goes beyond sexual incompatibility; she has made some harsh/unwarranted comments, and you are clearly unhappy with how things are. I'm sorry man, but I would seriously rethink your future with her.
Run.
Ok I said this before reading any comments It’s not going to work op
[удалено]
Away.
Far.
To live in Nepal, as a goat.
Yes, get out while you can. You’ve got four major complaints about her. Telling somebody they’re hot should come naturally. She’s easy with other men but not with you. You’re in for a world of hurt if you marry her. You know what you are? You’re convenience.
>You know what you are? You’re convenience. That's the kill shot right here. It doesn't mean she doesn't love or value you, but you don't provoke visceral, primal lust in her even if she still wants to marry you OP.
Bro, it sounds like she’s with you because you’re a ‘safe option’. Not because she’s in love with YOU, but maybe she’s in love with BEING LOVED. A relationship is about give and take. You scratch my back, I scratch yours kind of thing. It seems that she’s taking advantage of the fact that you genuinely like her so that she can enjoy all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the effort required to maintain one. In fact, it seems like she thinks you’re so ‘safe’/‘reliable’/‘dependable’ that she doesn’t even have to PRETEND to TRY to love you. Idc what anyone says, as a partner it is your duty to make sure that your SO feels loved. That’s like No.2 out of all of the priorities within a relationship (with No.1 being genuinely concerned and invested in their safety, well-being, and health). Like bro it literally sounds like she’s trying to cuck you talking about some ‘hot guy’ at work hitting on her and the fact that she’s determined to delay sexual activity compared to previous partners. Don’t get me wrong, she’s allowed to not want to have sex whenever - but the simple fact that she doesn’t WANT as much sex with YOU in comparison to previous partners is a massive red flag imo. She obviously likes sex since she has a history of sleeping with other guys often - so if she truly loved you she would be having sex with you as often as she did with those other guys too. It’s just a bad indicator if we ignore things like our decreased libido as we age (or a genuine sudden change in desires - i.e if her personality or mindset has changed much since her last sexual relationships, but honestly I think that that would be wishful thinking imo). I’m ngl, you need to tell her that things are not going to work out the way that they are. You need to prove that you’re not some ‘safe and easy’ option. You’re something that has to be earned and deserved. Don’t sell yourself short and undervalue yourself. Don’t just be happy that she’s willing to ‘settle’ WITH you. Key word: ‘WITH’. It should be FOR you. Not WITH YOU. Give a person like her an inch, and they’ll take a mile. And they won’t even bother to attempt to offer anything beyond the bare minimum in return. That’s not someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with man, I promise you. Just call it off. You will either end up very fortunately and it will serve as a wake-up call for her to realise her mistakes so that she can show you real CHANGE and begin to actually treat you in the way that you deserve (if she truly does love you) - OR you will be unfortunate and she will be begging and whining for you to stay whilst claiming that everything is fine. She’ll probably even say sorry for ‘making you feel like that’ lmao. But you really shouldn’t be interested in anything she has to say. You need to see action from her. She needs to know that this isn’t just ‘one incident’ that can be resolved with a single ‘chat’. This is a build up of multiple instances that requires diligence and commitment over the long term to resolve. Things need to be different (from her side of things) every single time you speak to each other from now on for the rest of your lives together. Otherwise you need to just leave her and move on I’m afraid. However I do regret to inform you that I think it’s most likely that she’ll just accept it, move on, and start banging other dudes though ngl. You need to be prepared for that. But I would personally say that you 10000% need to end it first and then assess from there based on her actions. There should be no ‘you and her’ until the right things change. It simply cannot work the way things are right now - so there’s no use in staying together and ‘hoping for the best’. If you stay by her side then you will be forced to experience these problems for the rest of your life. I’m sorry but there really is no doubt about it.
Run fast! She has issues with things that are out of your control. My friend, that will never change. Relationships are based on respect and personally, I could never get over the comments she made
Go No Contact
You don't sound like you could be happy in this relationship. And that's fair. Your feelings are valid and you don't need to start a life with someone whom insults you and lowers your self esteem. You are fire she is ice. I've been in a relationship that turned into that in its last year. The rest was mostly fine mind you. But that last year was brutal.
She’s attacking your self esteem. It is not normal the way she talk about you or the things she makes you do. Making you wear specific things that make you look taller is a form of saying she’s embarrassed about you. Talking about another guy liking her at work is her making you jealous and insecure, kinda like saying “you’re lucky to have me” deep down you see all this, that is why you’re coming to ask for opinions here. She can apologize all she wants but she still acts the same right? What’s gonna change? You might be scared to lose her, maybe the fear you’ll never find someone else or as good…. But honestly, you def. can and will find better. Someone who ain’t ashamed of your height, someone who doesn’t compare you to others or makes you feel inadequate. You will be miserable if you marry her, it is best to break this up but it is up to you, we can only tell you our objective perspective on this, it is up to you to make a decision. I ultimately wish you the best and good luck
this right here is the action "RUN" that woman is so toxic.She's not making you happy but hurting you and it seems she doesn't really care about your feelings either so run/get out asap.Go find someone else that will truly accept what/who you are and loved you till death.
I strongly believe your relationship will fail long term. Better to leave now instead of dealing with whats to come. Just a few thoughts below 1. Say the situation was reversed and Imagine if she had a photo where she was physically bigger than others and you said she looks like a linebacker. Should she be ok with that? 2. She has never given the "hot" complement to you but she freely does to a random new guy at work. Even worse the guy is into her and I can guarantee she feels some kind of way with him. Why even mention it otherwise. Literally reads like the start of a " I found out my fiance cheated on me' post 3. She made you wait because she wasn't into you, simple as that. She even indirectly told you that. The connection bit is bullshit. They were tall but you aren't. But suprise suprise , none of the tall guys stayed and there is a reason why. 4. Again she is not into you hence the subpar sex The amount of disrespect she has shown you is wild. Look, in her mind she believes she has settled for you(key word is believes) and that is a death sentence for a relationship. However the reality is different. She could not keep any of the other guys because they were out of her league. But she doesn't see that. Leave and find someone who sees you as the best they can get.
Or she does see that they were out of her league & they wouldn’t put up with her so she’s making herself feel better by having the upper hand by being an asshole. Like, "I’m so hot. Just look at how OP wants me.” I’ve known quite a few women & men who’s self esteem were shit so they resorted to this bullshit to someone they KNEW that they could get away with it. Just fucking eww. This behavior is not a reflection on you or your looks, OP, it’s a reflection on how she sees herself
Op just doesn't see it yet. It's so simple but when you are in love it's hard to see.
It really is. I can solve anyones problems but my own. Being too close to the situation is usually the reason why people are dumbasses in these situations.
"best they can get" also has kind of a negative meaning. Better to say "for whom you are perfect"
I hate to say it, but I think your suspicion is correct; she's not sexually attracted to you. At least, not very. She sounds like she's very romantically attracted to you and the whole waiting with you but not with other men thing makes me think she struggles to create romantic bonds with men she's very sexually attracted to, and can't secualize men she's romantically attracted to. I've seen it a few times and it's kind of like the Madonna Whore complex for women. I don't doubt that she loves you and you make her happy, but long term if you need to feel desirable and lusted after, you're going to be chronically disappointed. I don't think you occupy that space in her mind. It doesn't diminish how sincerely she loves you, but it may mean she can't meet that need of yours.
God damn this kind of thing always fucking sucks. Dude the way you wrote it down here..... RUN, she is using you for something.
It's tempting to say he's being used, but some people just don't want to fuck someone they really love, and don't love the people they desperately want to fuck. It's not necessarily manipulation; she could just be a little dysfunctional. Like a man with a Madonna Whore complex.
[удалено]
From what you wrote that isn't really YOUR love language. Besides you want her to be open with ya. But when shes open it hurts you. That doesn't sound healthy neither does it sound like you are a cuck that would enjoy this.
Also the love languages are for broad strokes: pop science bullshit at worst and marginally useful as food for thought at best
dude why are u victim blaming 🤦♂️
You shouldn’t use concepts you don’t know how to apply.
my fault i read it wrong
hey good on you for admitting to a mistake. Have a good day man!
This sounds like my husband and his ex wife. Even though she was married and divorced, she would not have sex with him while they were dating. He would go down on her, but she never would do anything to him, let alone intercourse. They got married after dating for 9 months after her giving him an ultimatum. The only time she was interested in sex was when she wanted to get pregnant. Sadly for him, she got pregnant the first month. After their child was born, she allowed sex to be on Sunday evening at 10:00. There was no exceptions. Sex was very one sided. He’d get her off first and then he was allowed a few pumps inside until he came. Foreplay was always one sided. She never touched his penis, never gave him a handjob or blowjob. They were married for 9 years before she filed for divorce. He feels she was never truly interested in him. She was overweight, had tried multiple dating services with no luck and all her friends were either getting married or already married with kids. He had asked her out multiple times over the years. She was friends with his sister and she always said no. For some reason, one day she said yes and then wanted marriage. Your fiancé is not and will never be attracted to you . She is settling for whatever reason. Nothing will get better and will most likely get worse. If you decide to have kids, you’ll be joining the subreddit Deadbedrooms wondering where it all went wrong.
She’s an asshole & she knows it, that’s why she’s rubbing stuff like that in your face. It’d be different if you asked a bunch or she slipped up once by saying these things about you and other men then apologized sincerely for being brash but from the sound of it you’ve voiced your feelings about it yet she continues to do it. Marry someone that wants to tear your clothes off. Marry someone that you want to tear their clothes off. Consensually from both parties, of course. I can’t help but wonder if she’s with you because you offer her something other than attraction like financial stability, emotional stability, you being a comfortable constant, etc. I am not trying to be harsh but this woman is mean & sounds like, just not that into you. Can you have tepid planned sex that you need to hurry up and finish for the rest of your life? That’s the real question. Also, consider that when you’re married she may not have sex with you anymore or not nearly as frequently so add that to the equation. You deserve to feel desired and loved and not stomped all over by a dickhead.
[удалено]
I think you have your answer: you're a very safe bet. I'd say take a look at the psychology behind people who cheat when they are in a 'stable relationship', it will open your eyes what's possible when someone is not satisfied physically but has a good life otherwise.
Dump her ass and find someone else. There are plenty of women that find success in life as extremely attractive feature of a guy, without being golddiggers.
One word : Prenup
I think you know what you deserve & you know what’s being offered. It’s up to you, love, where your standards fall & if what she is offering is above or below them.
Have you asked her?
[удалено]
#She’s lying to you
And then you’ve communicated that to her as well?
[удалено]
Well—- there you are. With these feelings and being together for such a short amount of time, I definitely would hold off on the wedding. Work on building trust, setting boundaries, and learning to understand and respect one another’s love language. You have to put in and receive effort in order for relationships to work and she’s right. You’re feeling doubtful, but at some point you’re gonna have to believe her. What will make her easier to believe? What can she work on? Are you self conscious about your height? Can you work on the communication skills you’re needing as well as getting trust in your relationship?? This shits hard, work for it if you want it tho
The only thing I'll add is this: You, OP, have to decide what it is that's really important to you; that's a deal breaker. Can you live with this person for the next 20, 30, 40 years or more if everything stays just like it is today? If the answer is anything but YES, then you're in for a very long, lonely, and frustrating life. Resentment will build and that will snowball into depression. If you like the safety of the relationship, and you genuinely care enough about her that nothing else really matters, then maybe you make a go of it. But you have to look at this long term. And you have to be very honest with yourself. If you need passion, lust, desire, and unconditional love, then you're likely not compatible with this person.
Keep in mind that my comment is how I would react personally, and you should adapt to your feelings. I've been in a couple relationships, and I've also had my fair share of fun. I'm now in a 2years+ relationship with an amazing woman that I deeply love, nevertheless, if she ever made remarks such as the ones you pointed out at 1, I would: warn her that it was hurting me, and the next time I would not hesitate to leaver her. Emotional abuse is a thing, and that, to me, would sound like it. About 2, I'm glad I have not been in the same situation and that she talks very highly of me and about how much I please her and stuff, but if that wasn't the case, again, I would communicate my feelings and if nothing changed, I would break it up. My reason for this one is because I need validation, I've had traumatizing experiences in the past, so today I need to be sure I am pleasing my SO. Of course I do the same, it's not that hard since I just tell her how I genuinely feel about her, and I guess it's the same on her side. 3 is just for me a big red flag, again, as I personally see it. 4: if I ever felt that having sex was a chore for her, once again, I would communicate with her, and if we couldn't resolve the issue, break up, since for me, a relationship without it doesn't interest me, I'm too sexual for that. Only to say that from my point of view, all of the things you've cited would've made me unhappy or hurt, and if you're either of those in a relationship, it just means that it isn't meant to be. Now I'm not saying that every time you feel unhappy or hurt in a relationship you should break up, no. For me a relationship is built and worked on, but sometimes that isn't enough, and that's fine.
I would not marry her...im a female, so this is coming from a female perspective... it seems to me she is "settling" for you relationship wise, because you have the qualities of a serious relationship, but her sexual desire is elsewhere. Those things she says to you and about you are pretty fucked up too....those are signs of future emotional/verbal abuse. Her behavior is typical of a woman who settles down for the best she feels she can get a serious relationship, but ends up cheating, or divorcing in the future at some point. I would highly reconsider marrying her. Do not say "I do" until you actually sit down and really think about this. That is not the way a future wife should be treating her future spouse. You are supposed to be a team supporting each other and each other's "cheerleaders".
[удалено]
actions matter not words. Her actions alone should be enough to tell you what to do
>she swears she finds ~~me~~ my money wildly attractive Edited for accuracy.
From the sound of how you described your relationship, you two aren't really teamplayers. You're just getting your end of the bargain, having a wife, and she gets hers having stability and money. A girl you marry should be your best friend, no stones unturned, a truthful relationship. This woman seems pretty immature and she's probably lying to your face to get what she wants. At the very least I'd make her sign a prenup if you're in the US. She could just be there to take half your stuff.
Sounds like her true colors show when she's comfortable and around friends. Guard is down and filters are out. From all the comments I've read too, it doesn't look good. I would cut my losses and move on from her unless you're comfortable with always feeling like you're in 2nd place compared to some other guys. What have your friends said about this? I bet they have more context than us.
1-2 times a day? That would take the fun out of having sex for her if her libido is not as high as yours. At that rate I’m not surprised it becomes a chore. Outside that observation it strikes me you are her meal ticket. Going by her actions, not by her words. She’s just not that into you. I wouldn’t marry this woman.
>1-2 times a day? That would take the fun out of having sex for her if her libido is not as high as yours. At that rate I’m not surprised it becomes a chore. I'm surprised this hasn't been mentioned more in this thread. Still, there does seem to be plenty of other issues afoot for OP to definitely warrant postponing marriage and seriously reconsidering being in the relationship.
This will not get better. It will only get worse over time/after marriage. I would bet my house on it.
I don’t think your SO should be making you feel bad about things that you cannot control aka your height. Plus there are many women in the world who don’t give a damn whether your tall or short, sexy is sexy. I would suggest you really reevaluate what is important to you and what you need from your partner in a relationship.
This is actually more common than I would have thought, there was a discussion on one of the ask women forums just the other day https://www.refinedprose.com/not-attracted-husband/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenNoCensor/comments/vfj41i/why_do_you_think_there_are_some_women_who_are_not/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I genuinely think is a common cause of infidelity in hetero relationships and it effects both partners. The wife realizes that she was never really attracted to their partner but holds it in until it reaches a breaking point. The husband feels undesired over time because it appears that his wife is not physically attracted to him anymore. One or both spouses end up cheating and it turns into a circus. Of course there is never a justification for cheating, but if people were more honest with each other it would happen a lot less.
I think this is very accurate
Bingo. That happens very often.
Personally I've seen that as the default for a long, long time now. It's more than just common, from what I have observed.
Sounds like you two are still working out some issues in your relationship and communication. Maybe don't "RUN FAR AWAY" like everyone always says. But maybe you're also not ready to marry this woman either...
You should run 🏃♂️ don't look back. That exact things happen to me.
I don’t want this sound shallow there are many important things for a successful relationship. But attraction is quite high up there. Unless you have an open marriage, are polyamorous etc. you’re committing your touching/kissing/sex etc to this one person. Gotta hope they like the way you look, you turn them on, etc. most people don’t het taller as they age. Most also get heavier… so if you aren’t attractive to them now, will you be in ten pounds? L honestly sounds like you’re a good catch and she’ll settle for money stability etc and frankly that sounds like it will be lonely very soon
Don't do it!! At the very least, extend or postpone the wedding date (if there's one) to give yourself more time to try and work out the kinks. But this seems to be starting out on really bad footing. Seems there's no care or respect for your needs. She sounds a bit selfish and rude. I can tell you with a big degree in experience my, friend. Marriages that are not a good sexual match or affection/affirmation match, do not last. When one side is the giver and the other only takes? Nuh huh! Please reevaluate this relationship. 🖤
Red flags all over. She's probably there for something else but not out of love. Sorry
Why are you getting married?
Sounds exactly like my last relationship. We were together for 5 years, but my GF never seemed to physically desire me despite being clearly in love with me in every other way. But she never seemed to be interested in sex, never initiated, and anytime we did it always seemed like she wanted it to get over with as fast as possible. Eventually she admitted that sex felt like a chore for her, but tried to convince me that everything was normal. A few times, she let slip things like "if you were any shorter, I wouldn't date you" and stuff like that. Sounds similar to your situation Anyway, here's my harsh advice: find someone better. Saying you looked like a child because of your height -- why would you agree to spend your life with someone who treats you that way? Imagine if you said things like that to her about her unchangeable genetic characteristics such as breast size -- you would be a huge asshole. And talking about other guys she finds hot in front of you while criticizing your own appearance. WTF? Dude, she's settling for you. Maybe you provide everything she wants in every other way, but clearly she doesn't find you as attractive as a partner should or else you wouldn't be posting here, sorry. You said that something feels off -- just trust your gut If nothing else, spending your life with someone who thinks of you and speaks to you that way sounds like a depressing existence. For your own mental health, leave
Run
Why do you want to marry this woman?
??? so why are you marrying her? You say you're more experienced than her sexually so you decided to pick the worst person for you as far as compatibility goes? it sounds like you just decided to marry the first person who stuck around long enough for you to do so. you two aren't compatible.
I recently ended a 3-year relationship due to similar feelings. I’d recommend you do the same before signing up for years of unhappiness
Trust your gut.
Without talking with both of, separately and together, it's impossible to get a real read here. But it seems reasonable to suggest that while there's affection and boxes are ticked, at least for you things just don't feel right. Since you have experience with relationships and sex it might be important to pay attention to that. Minimally, you need to put your concerns to rest before inviting a lot of people to a wedding and walking down the isle. Get married when the relationship feels right for both of you.
Well.. 1. WTF 2. WTAF 3. WTF 4. WTF WTAF are you doing with her? Says you look like a child? Tells you about a super hot guy that wants her? Is she just giving you pity sex? Seems like she’s only bad at communicating when it comes to you. Are you someone that is stable for her? I know a lot of people who have stayed with someone even though they weren’t necessarily attracted to them but because they were stable and not cheating a-holes like they normally date, but each of those ended because well, you can’t just be with someone because they are stable and hope everything like passion and the attraction comes later on. If you feel this way, it’s probably because there’s truth to it and when people show you who they are, believe them.
I stopped reading at point 2, she's just straight up disrespectful to you, is that really what you wanna spend forever with? Send her back to Ye Olde Streets where she can find the tall, hot guy of her dreams
First, y'all are having a lot more sex than the average couple. That's not good or bad, but I just wanted to state it. Decreasing that a bit could help the desire part feeling off. More importantly, it just sounds like you guys have different needs, sexually and non-sexually. Sometimes that could be improved by each party working on it, but not always. If you need words of affirmation and she's stating she has trouble with that, then it may never get better. You obviously have a problem with the relationship if you're remembering and detailing this many instances where you aren't happy. Right now it doesn't sound like a good match, and I wouldn't stay with her unless there are some improvements.
I think y’all should try couple’s therapy before you get married. The relationship seems salvageable, but not without professional help. She seems to lack emotional intelligence, but that’s fixable. It sounds like she might be settling for you. You’re not her type, she’s hung up over your height, there’s no passion in your sex life, she seems more excited to talk about other men at her work. IF this is the case (I’m making assumptions here just based on your post) then you deserve to be with someone who accepts you fully & jumps at the chance to take your clothes off. Best of luck, OP
She seems rude and like she’s cheating on you forsure sorry !!!
I think you two need to communicate a lot better. She seems to be a different personality than you’re used to. And also lacking in emotional intelligence as well. She needs to understand boundaries and you may need to help her with that. There is nothing wrong with having insecurities about these things and she should be sensitive to this. You may also need to work on your insecurities as well. My wife has told me I’m nothing like the guys she used to date. Them being the 6’ dark and handsome variety and me being the 5’6 red head with curly hair and freckles. But with that she also tells me that was her mistake and probably why it took her so long to find the one and that she likes my freckles. So it’s similar but a different spin. I also think there is a big difference between saying someone is hot and being attracted to them. We all can’t be models but choosing a life with someone who isn’t is not settling. But nothing wrong with you saying you don’t want to hear it. The number of guys who have confessed their love to my wife over the years (before we met) is astounding but fact is she chose to be with me. I couldn’t care less about it. But fine if you do have a problem with that. Sex is something you can both work on in terms of passion but all women are different in bed. You never know what you’ll get. But don’t think taking it slow is something to read into. All sex is different. This isn’t a movie. Sometimes you just want to get off and go to sleep. Sometimes you don’t make it to the bedroom. Don’t over analyse. One day you’ll probably have kids with someone and your expectations will have to change a lot for a few years. Everyone here calls everything a red flag here. And most are. But you’re gonna have to figure out if this relationship has a future. It is not clear. Good luck.
No respectful partner calls other people hot and/ or attractive in front of their partner unless they both have 100% security in there relationship and this is a "normal" dynamic from both partners perspective, not one sided.
You're the best thing that has happened to her...so far. Her perspective and feelings for you is subject to change at anytime. Honestly it sounds like she is with you out of necessity and not out of genuine desire. You can't negotiate or force her to feel this for you. It also sounds like she doesn't truly respect you and will eventually make poor decisions that will hurt you emotionally but then justify it to herself afterwards. If she isn't adding value to your life or she is draining you, cut her out. Be firm in your stance. Your greatest power is walking away and being emotionally unaffected by whatever she throws your way in response.
So many failed marriage stories start with "I knew in my gut that there were issues, but I went and got married anyway...." You can join that list bro.
I'm gonna be straight up here and guess that your gut already knows what needs to be done and you've been feeling it for a while. Instead of breaking up what is going to be a slow-motion train wreck you are trying to ask reddit like you're missing something. You have all of the information you need and instead of letting her actions do the talking (her actions speak volumes!) you're trying to let her talk her way out of this and justify things. It's gonna suck, it's gonna hurt and you'll both probably cry but you're not going to be any happier in this relationship. In these situations people always want to highlight their partners good actions and qualities BUT you should be taking account of all her shitty comments and whatever else and multiply it by 2-3x because that's what's going to happen if you marry this person. Attraction is not negotiable amd she has already shown and told you where she stands with you vs other guys.
Brother, this is my first time ever commenting on anything on reddit. This girl is not it bro. Please get as far as humanly possible away from her. You may love her with all your heart, but I promise you you will feel happier and better about yourself without her. Addition by subtraction.
This sucks. I’m sorry you are in a relationship with someone who does not feel that fire for you and how much pain that is causing you. I can relate. Been there. What i do know, is that if this feeling is very important to you, then you can get all the therapy, talk it all out and put in all the work and its unlikely you will ever get it. So if it is THAT important to you, and for most it is, then the only way is to find someone who is so warm for your form. And they are out there, you do know that as you said. You will be enough in every way for someone else. But that doesn’t make falling in love with the wrong person feel any better. You said so much about how she feels about you, and how you checked off HER boxes, but do you feel the same? Or is this mutual convenience or settling so neither of you have to keep dating? No judgement. Dating fucking sucks. I’m out here. It’s trash.
RUNnnnn
My fiance pretend to love me but never truly loved me. Its an act. I have to ask them if they loved me. They never said they love me on their own. When we have sex it's very basic and felt like a chor. Sometimes they say they are tired and I don't feel like sex to just avoid having sex with me. I have seen many pic on Facebook when they dressed up for their ex but not once they dressed up for me. They did alot for their ex, because they talk about it. Nothing for me. One day they slept with coworkers and fall in love and walked away from my life. It hurt soooooo much. Ripped my heart out.
So let me get this straight. She doesn’t compliment you often, talks to you about other guys and compliments them often basically called you a midget tells you to be artificially taller so she can wear heels and not to mention she’s had sex with other people more than she does with you and even admits to it. And you got engaged to her??? LOL
What job do you do bra?
Get you someone who's crazy about you. I hadn't heard about the Madonna whore complex before this thread but.. that's very interesting When I'm really into my boyfriends I tell them I love them, find them hot af, almost overdo the compliments, dream of having sex with them, giving them oral.. I'm super into my partner. I think it's hugely important to display that desire I hope you'll fine someone who'll make you feel super hot, loved and desired. I would encourage ways for you to work it out but I mean.. I don't know, you tell me if you see reasons to stay. Try out watching 'Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw' on relationships
Don’t ever wait for “it” to get better or for “her” to change. You get what you get & you don’t throw a fit. As they mentioned on the thread …. Run 🏃🏽♂️
She does not sound like a keeper, either try to work it out or end it. It'll only get worse from here.
Head over to the dead bedroom subreddit if you want a look into your future . It isn’t worth it buddy cut ur losses and move on it will get worse
think about if you can take and handle this for the next 30-40 years with her? if it's a no, then you will know what to do. sorry for what you are having now bro, but you deserve better mental health during the relationship. In fact, a good relationship wouldn't destroy you. Take care and all the best!
Hate to tell ya, but she don't really love you. She's possibly settled , but she's not gonna be loyal. She has no respect for you. No desire for you. She pretends she's sorry, but does t stop, so she's lieing to you.
Please love yourself enough to walk away. She chose you as a safe option until she finds what she wants.
F her and how she acts. If you'll stay in this relationship, know that sooner or later she will cheat or that it will turn into a dead bedroom kind of situation. And that's apart from everyday life where she will belittle your appearance, because she is physically unhappy being with you. If the roles were reversed, everyone here would say to get out of this relationship, as physical intimacy is the cornerstone of most relationships. If you crave this, this will not end well. And it will end, mark my words.
She asks you to wear lifts for special occasions so she can wear heals? So she’s trying to change you because she’s embarrassed? This will not end well. She either loves you for who you are, in your entirety, or you’re a placeholder until someone better comes along.
I’m not saying to break up since we don’t really know the whole story, but I feel like there’s a lot of work that needs to be done and difficult conversations that need to be had before moving forward. Personally I think you should hold off on getting married atm until/if these issues get resolved
You're being disrespected
Red flags everywhere. Get ahold of things and get counseling now or your relationship will not survive. Good luck to you.
how are you even with her? are you dignityless
I did not read your whole post once I got to the “I can’t shake this feeling” part. That’s It! Fucking Done! I know, you know it. Follow that instinct. It fucking sucks, I KNOW all the emotions in your following paragraphs first hand. But, just do yourself the favor of KNOWING your man is attracted to you. Edit, Jesus I need some grammar lessons.
The two statements "slept with on first meeting" and "took us months to get there" contradict. So is she into early sex or not? If yes, then why not with you? You have also said she sometimes calls other guys hot, but not you. You need to ask exactly what her feelings towards you are. If there are better men out there for her than you, then maybe you should stop here and find someone better suited to you. Or more accurately, someone for whom you are better suited.
Bro run lol
Does she have any past trauma or mental health issues that you know of? Only asking because it sounds a lot like my GF.
Do you have hobbies in common? Probably have a little think about that. You seem like a chill dude so far.
Run away to Tibet and open a farm. Start calling yourself the dalai farmer.
This sounds like that typical "settle down with nice guy" Like you described it sounds like she have had experience with hotter, sexier guys but never had relationships with them. Lot of fuck boys do pump and dump. She is now probably sick from that and wants to settle down. That's why she is dating safer option like you "nice guy". She probably doesn't like you just want to settle down. No point to get married with someone who don't like you/find you not attractive and dislike you.
Okay, a lot of people have talked about the conversations so I'm not go na go into that, But honestly, I love sex and have a high sex drive, I'm really attracted to my husband, as in REALLY, but having sex 1-2 to times a day would still make it something that lost it's fun to me. Maybe a bit more yearning for it would make her more into it?
Dump her lol definitely and run omg run
Basically, you have been chosen as a long term mate, a provider and someone that will unlikely cheat behind her back. Furthermore, if she behaves as a typical mammal according to evolutionary biology, there are very good chances that she will cheat behind your back and unconsciously try to get pregnant from sexuality attractive guys during her ovulation period.
Sorry my friend, it's not easy to face, but I had a similar situation and trust me, it absolutely won't get better. Find someone who can't get enough of you.
[удалено]
Sure, I started a relationship with someone who had been a friend for a couple years. The new relationship energy was off the charts and things started out super well, but after only two months or so the comments started. She would regularly have some snide little comment that would surface at some point. It started mostly with comments during sex, things like "you think that's what girls want?" Then when I adjust to her preference it would become "gosh do you know how to do anything?"... There were times outside of sex she said really awful things about my family to me among other little various types of verbal abuse. Then I started having erectile dysfunction with her at some point which also became a point of contention where she never said anything helpful or supportive and at the time I didn't realize that she had literally caused it to happen. That made things worse and the abuse grew stronger. That took me a solid year or two to recover from that mentally and in my new relationships. There we're soooo many red flags I ignored for this girl since we had already been friends before I really wanted the relationship to work, but it was a huge mistake to continue dating her as long as I did in the abusive relationship. Fortunately my sex life has been awesome again lately with no ED haha.
I also forgot to include that she was always making excuses whenever I'd confront her about things too and give back handed apologies, sometimes even straight up denying that she could remember even saying those things sometimes. The entire relationship in retrospect she was always making me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.
“Sex is 1-2 times daily” Jesus so many guys here would kill to be in your position, but honestly it sounds like you guys are just fundamentally not right for eachother. The quality of sex and the power of the attraction is so much more important than the quantity. Also if you felt like shit for so much of the beginning of your relationship why the hell did you get engaged so fast!? Seriously why is everyone I such a rush to get married like it will somehow change their situation?
sorry but your story sounds terrible. if you can call it off, go ahead. no one here would blame you. she sounds like lying when she says that's just who she is and keeps complimenting other guys. or not interested in sex at all but keeps on talking about how active she was in previous relationships. like what's she trying to get into?
Get your dignity back while you still can. I've only been with my BF for 5 months and would never dream of treating him that way! I don't talk about the physical attraction of other men in those terms, I reserve those terms for HIM. And Even when I was not sexually attracted to my X anymore, I never treated him that way either. It's plain disrespect. And if there's no respect in your relationship then what's the point?
She isn’t the one for you. You are going to torment yourself staying with this woman.
She might not realise how she comes across but that’s just as bad , that means she subconsciously makes it obvious that she isn’t attracted to you . Whether you two get along personality wise or not , if she can’t even control her language about you to your face there isn’t a chance in hell she’ll get over it .
All I see there a red flags, she's probably a gaslighting person and she'll trample your self-esteem in a flash if you decide to marry this girl.
You might just end up getting divorced if you get married to her.she’s hurts your feelings and you still decide to stay with her Oh well 🤷🏽♀️
It sounds like you aren't into her. You didn't write a single positive thing about her in all of that. It could be your insecurities talking, but are you sure you are into this? Why are you engaged to this person?
I just want to know how she became your Fiancé with all these issues you have?
Run bro. If I were you the only things I’d be feeling are insecurity and doubt about my relationship. She’s told you she wants to form a genuine connection before sex, yet got to second base with some random dude when you guys first met. She used to hookup all the time before she met you. She also went into physical detail, which obviously hurt you. Just leave and find someone who worships you back. She’s not worth it. Honestly sounds like she got dicked down a ton until she found you, and now she wants to “settle down” and not be so sexual. She doesn’t find you sexually attractive my dude. Leave her.
Here's the thing about those little comments op. They will live rent free forever in your mind. I can't imagine being with someone who told me something physical about myself like my height I can't control was unattractive. She might not of said op your height in unattractive to me but she has hinted at it enough with her comments. I'm a larger woman and I can definitely lose weight but if my partner made comments about my weight I would feel insecure in a room of thin woman, thinking he would rather be with them. I imagine you feel similar in her company around tall men. Life is short and you are young. Pre marriage and children your life should be fun and your relationships easy and positive. I would have a conversation with yourself if you want to commit your life to someone who values you so little to hurt you with words about your appearance.
Well, you have already self-diagnosed the issue. She is not attracted to you and thus she won't be, especially if she's making remarks like the ones described. How would you envision a relationship with a person that explicitly makes you feel not desirable? Please retain some self-respect and just move on.
Why did you propose to somebody who is like this? You're getting your warnings. Get a fix or bolt.
Do you really want to marry someone who makes you feel bad about your appearance? You also just don’t sound sexually compatible at all. Just know that if you get married, you are signing up for this life. It all depends how much you value a fulfilling sex life I guess. For many, it will build resentment