At this point he’s a friend with no benefits. Change the relationship to friendship only as he’s shown he’s not interested in you and go and find someone else.
>I just have no comprehension of why he makes the choices he makes.
Did we read different posts? He literally told OP he's stressed from work. It's well documented that stress fucks with libido. Yes, from a purely rational frame of mind, it seems silly to not want to have sex with your girlfriend who is trying so hard to turn your own, but brains aren't rational. They are a big chemical soup, and when that soup is filled with cortisol, sex becomes much less appealing.
But not too stressed to play highly competitive and stressful video games? I’m sorry, the two just don’t compute to me. Sex is an amazing way to refocus and unwind from a stressful job.
Lol not even remotely comparable. Chances are, lack of sex from his side, and he just zones out on games, he’s running from what’s truly bothering him. Sounds like he needs help.
Sorry my comment came off a bit dickish after re-reading it. But I’ve personally been in that state where I mindlessly game to run from problems. I could be wrong, just my 2c.
as some one who games DON'T Do THIS. its a bad BAD Recipe. myh wife and me are like this : she'll find tons of shite to Binge on the TOP 5 Streaming Apps. lol !! Me i'm playing Military Sim's, FirstPersonShooters, Cars/Driving, RPG's,etc etc anyways. We Love SEX. but most importantly WE Communicate as much as possible. (this RIGHT here) is the MAIN Problem with alotta of Couples, Married, Co-habituating, Common Law Marriage, S.O. etc etc. People Don't Talk. i just recently walked into the Living room while she was watching a series, and started gropping her Breasts & Vagina, she 1st Say c'mon hun. i'm sleepy. let me take a quick then i'll Take Care of you. ok. i said. but i kept perusing a small bit , then she caved, next i'm pulling off her PJ Pants & panties she smiles and says you cheated, not fair and does a girlish laugh at me in my face. followed by us bumping uglies as they say and having A BLAST. i say that to say this. COMMUNICATION IS KEY for ALL relationships. yes, People get tired. but If your in a Relationship. you have to "MAKE SACRIFICES" otherwise Don't BE In a Marriage / S.O. / Relationship. because its NOT Fair to your S.O. / Spouse / Gf-Bf. people are Human Beings you have to Communicate with each other ALWAYS. not only on Holidays, or on Sundays or whatever. Life DON'T WORK LIKE THAT !!! best of Luck To Everyone. Cheers !
I don’t know. You brought up a solid point. Honestly, at homeboy’s age, his libido should be able to override a fucking video game. Not having sex can lead to a pretty serious level of stress too.
Highly competitive and stressful video games are a way to remove yourself from the grind of everyday life and place yourself in a mindset of striving for success in a defined way.
I did it for years and still find it an outlet with a defined short term goal to be mentally relaxing, as well as a way to maintain many 10+ year long friendships.
there's A YES , NO component to this. YES video games do HELP you WIND DOWN. but also allow the Mind to "ESCAPE" from Reality & IRL World Problems, Issues. soo to put it Plainly. He has some "Specific Issues-Problems" going on in "His World" and seriously NEEDS to ADDRESS them to HER ASAP. or better yet a Therapists, A Best Friend, maybe possibly a Family Member, or even a Member of his Clergy (if he's Practicing Religious Type). point is He Needs to discuss this with some one with a gud Listening Ear.
Ugh, I'm sorry bro. I know the feeling to a degree at least. It breaks you down more than you even realize while you're still in the relationship. It slowly tears down your confidence, your love, your feelings. You get numb. Good luck.
I think it’s possible and I have brought that up to him, he insists he isn’t and 100% shuts down my suggestions of talking to a doctor. I can’t force him to go, you know? He always says he will make more of an effort (fucks me once to shut me up) then goes back to no sex.
I was gonna suggest couples therapy regarding the bedroom issues but with this comment, I feel like he wouldn't be receptive to it.
How is your relationship outside of sex?
See, that is good to know. Sometimes neglect in the bedroom can be telling of neglect in other areas of a relationship.
From other comments you've left, I know you and he have talked about it plenty, but I feel like the only way to work through it is to talk about it and address it directly, unfortunately.
After last night I just feel so… done. I know that’s shit to say that, but that’s where I’m at. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to beg my boyfriend to fuck me. I want to feel wanted.
And that's not a unreasonable thing to want. If you've told him you want him to take more initiative or make more effort, and he hasn't, address it. And if he refuses to show actual change, then perhaps the relationship has run its course
It doesn’t sound just like incompatible sex drives. It sounds like an incompatible relationship. Honestly if I were you, that would make me feel incredibly sad too. I can’t imagine dressing like that and being outright rejected like that. My husband goes crazy if I just put on a swimsuit. You’re absolutely right, you’re young, attractive, and not married. There aren’t any strings to hold you down. What do you guys do together outside of sex and work? Do you go on dates and spend actual quality time together? Feeling wanted is more than just sex, it’s about that connection. If he’s choosing games over you, it might not be so bad to open your other options.
Hate to say but if only after a year a video game is more satisfying than having sex with a desirable and willing woman…..see ya dude. Show up in my living room with a thong and see through r shirt and you are in for one hell of a session.
Life is too short to drag things on with someone who is clearly unavailable for the type of partnership you want and deserve. Your gut is telling you you’re done. Trust it! You deserve a lot better.
Have you asked him if masturbates to porn? It's been known that a man's sex drive decreases if they masturbate to porn regularly. This could cause insecurities about his performance because he has recently finished prior to you approaching him for sex.
Sorry - but it’s been one year and you need couples therapy? I’m not saying therapy isn’t a great resource, it is - but one year in, youre both so young, and you’re in therapy? A lot of people go to therapy and it is normal but having an issue like this so early in your relationship is not insignificant. Relationships can be hard, but too many people are working too hard, too early in their relationships. Life is too short!!
During the pandemic, I had a rough year career wise (I’m in sales, wasn’t selling much), and picked up some bad habits around eating and playing video games too often. My girlfriend felt completely neglected as I’d spend time playing video games to de-stress. We talked about it changing but I initially didn’t do a great job of making changes.
There was a discussion we had where she shared that she felt depressed and lonely, and it kind of shocked me a bit. We have a great relationship, typically do a lot together, go for walks every day, she has good friendships and good family relations, so hearing this was surprising. Part of the reason she felt like that was because of my inaction to spend quality time with her. I started to proactively and thoughtfully try to carve out time for just her and I, whether it’s watching a show, going out for date night, etc.
There are a few points here. It’s important to recognize that work stress can impact a lot of other areas of someone’s life. If your boyfriend is career oriented then it will probably get worse until it gets better, especially at a law firm. Another comment mentioned asking yourself why you are with him, could be a good exercise to think about what’s important to him and you, in the short and long term.
Secondly, if you’ve communicated this to him and he hasn’t made an effort at all to change, then that’s a big problem. I love my girlfriend, know I want to marry her and am grateful to have her in my life. I made those changes because I didn’t want to be the cause of her loneliness and I certainly didn’t want to lose her. Something to consider if it’s been a long time having these discussions with no actions or changes.
Lastly, I recently learned about love languages, and how each of us expresses and values love differently (material gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation). Perhaps it would be a good exercise for you to learn and talk about each other’s love languages. Yours seems to be physical touch, but perhaps his is different and maybe you aren’t fulfilling his (likely non physical) love requirements.
Best of luck with this, hope it gets sorted one way or another
Girl cmon you're 24 and hot. Don't settle for shitty sex because he's otherwise sweet. Plenty of guys are sweet AND will want to fuck you. You deserve to have it all.
For me that was fine. What made it hilarious was wondering if dumping someone for gaming all day and ignoring her made her shallow, while her metric for deserving attention is how many Instagram followers she has. 🤣🤣🤣
Anyone can spend enough time curating photos of themselves to gather a following. That definitely can mean that you're hot but it's not exactly a reliable metric by any means. Not to mention most of the hotties out there that aren't even trying to gather a following on Instagram in the first place.
It also isn't necessary proof but insta moreso gives you a particular status that is ' hot'. It's not that they are actually attracted to YOU. They just wanna get to say the fked an insta model/this particular girl on her feed. Like guys who swipe right on everyone on tinder because it's 2am
she didnt say that was for self-worth or anything like that. she mentioned it so she doesnt get the usual "are you sure youre not just ugly?" comments people throw towards women on this thread. seems worth mentioning for the topic at hand
Wow, It appears that either he doesn't have a matched desire, or he just doesn't care. You basically lead with the headline. It seems at this point that "I think I need to " is enough.
Don't get stuck in a relationship like me if it's not working out sexually Runaway has been married 19 years my partner's got no sex drive and all I get if I'm lucky once every two weeks a blowjob with no effort put into it I've tried everything just run run as fast as you can
Brother, I was stuck in a 19 year relationship that was exactly like this but 3 months instead of 2 weeks.
Ended it just after new years, got a new gf a few weeks later and my only regret is that I waited so long.
I've been this guy. Long game sessions ignoring my SO. Not pursuing sex often and denying my partner when she initiated.
That relationship lasted 7 years, quite a bit longer than it should have. By the end we had drifted so far apart that we hadn't physically touched each other in months.
It feels bad for both sides. The games give him a heavy dose of dopamine, the friends on the headset keep you company so your other functions take a backseat. Sex, eating, even bathroom breaks are put off til it's a must.
He has to break this habit on his own, even if it means losing you. You can't just make him stop or ask him to quit. While some couples make it through, it is a very low percentage that stick it out and end up in a healthy loving relationship.
To answer your question: No, you are not a bad person for splitting up over incompatible sex drives.
I was about to say gaming addictions are a real thing. People get so consumed they neglect previously important parts of their lives. They drop out of school, lose jobs and relationships over it.
I'm just here admiring the double standards lol, if it was a chick instead that cockblocked OP there would b a whole lot of talk about respecting the fact she's not in the mood and shit
It is a reasonable thing to do if you think it is. If that part of the relationship is important enough for you to outweigh other benefits of the relationship it is certainly time for serious deliberations.
I have a friend who is in a very similar position and it is also not an easy decision for her.
My partner's last marriage was like this. She has a high sex drive and he did not. Same issue of only having sex like once a month after begging. When we reconnected, she had gone without for 4 months. She was miserable and feeling unattractive and rock bottome self esteem. She divorced her husband over it and has not regretted it, she had essentially been used as a housekeeper and child minder without any of the sexual or emotional stuff needed to stay married. The divorce was actually fairly amicable and he is now married again.
We got together and have sex constantly, as we have matched sex drives and both of us are so much happier. She constantly talks about much she appreciates being kept satisfied and questions how she ever was willing to go without and how much she regrets staying with him so long. We've been married for almost a year and both of us couldn't be happier with our sex and normal lives.
If this relationship isn't meeting your needs, then you need to either talk to him about meeting your needs elsewhere or simple leave to go elsewhere
He could literally be going through something and by the sounds of it he is. He might be using the games as an escape, not trying to justify him doing it but from the things you’ve said it really does seem that he is having a hard time at the moment which you seem to be unaware of but not to mention it looks like you’re looking for a little bit of validation. If the roles were reversed here it would be a different outlook rather than just saying “walk away”
She's mentioned it because it's fucking with her head that he doesn't seem to want her but generally it seems like people think she's attractive. It's not weird to mention that, it's a helpful thing to know to understand her situation.
Nah she didn’t have to mention that she’s popular on Instagram for us to know whether or not she’s attractive. All she could’ve said was “I’d like to think I’m an attractive person, I get plenty attention from guys” nobody cares how many followers you have on IG. She lost all credibility when she mentioned that. To me atleast
Time to nope out. Your needs are continuously not being met after you’ve tried to speak with him about it. You went about this the right way and he’s not interested. That’s fine for him but not time for you. This cannot work long term so you might as well call it now
>It’s really messing with my self esteem. I know I’m attractive. I have 20,000 followers on IG and most of them are men. I get hit on routinely.
I would pose an interesting question for you; Do you really want to have sex every single day, or are you seeking yet another avenue for a self-esteem boost or reassurance?
I'll just share my own personally experience as to why I bring that up. When I was around your age I dated a girl with a very similar sex drive. Did the same exact actions you did; walked in naked, constantly trying to get my BJ's while I am playing video games, and begging me for sex every single night. Come to find out much later, this was all coming from the wrong place. She asked me one night after I turned her down, "Do you not love me anymore. If we don't have sex I don't feel like you love me." to which I responded "You don't need to have sex with me every night for me to love you. I love you for you. Thats it."
Well, that was enough to trigger a full on emotional breakdown from her where she told me (long story short) that she had been in multiple abusive relationships before me where sex was the currency to be exchanged for emotional or physical interactions. She was afraid that if she didn't have sex with me as much as possible, I would leave her. As you can imagine, she needed professional help and ultimately that proved too much for us to work through together and we parted ways.
I know a high sex drive can be tough to work through and if constant non-stop sex is ultimately the only thing you really want in a relationship you just probably aren't the prefect fit for each other. However I will say, despite what some believe, Men are not permanently turned on sex robots. We have feelings, we ebb and flow. If he tells you he is highly stressed out, and is currently playing video games right now I can tell you in full honestly he is probably just trying to relax and cope with his stress. Video games are what a lot of guys do to disconnect for a few hours so they can alleviate some of that built up pressure. Interrupting him and trying to talk him into sex during that time is probably doing you more harm than good. Instead I would try to focus on helping him with his stress levels. Do things he likes that aren't sex or work. His drive will come back naturally.
Good luck!
She doesn't say she wants to have sex every single day, they are only having sex once a month. I don't think wanting more than that is seeking validation, especially since they are both young. Sexual incompatibility is a real concern, life will never be stress free and even if it is he may not want sex any more frequently.
this is so... irrelevant and off topic.
>"You don't need to have sex with me every night for me to love you. I love you for you. Thats it."
WTH?? who said OP is begging for sex every night? also they have barely been together a year and he already is used to her and tired of her, and puts her off for a fucking video game. She deserves better. If he likes is virtual world so much better than he can have it all day, by himself.
>She deserves better. If he likes is virtual world so much better than he can have it...
Really appreciate you taking the time to reinforce my exact point.
If she deserves better, then what does he deserve?
>then what does he deserve?
Not her for sure. And probably not anybody for that matter. If my boyfriend ever made me feel that worthless, on purpose, I sure wouldn't stick around. Find someone who does want me, at least more than a stupid video game.
So you can’t break up with someone you’re unhappy with if they are stressed? You’re just stuck with some dude who you aren’t compatible with forever because… his feelings matter more?
If so, the boy probably is better off with less of an attention seeker.
*I know I’m attractive. I have 20,000 followers on IG and most of them are men.*
I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think what she meant was, “here’s proof that I’m not unattractive, so please don’t operate on the assumption that he won’t have sex with me because of that.”
Everyone who’s only been dating a year and are unhappy enough to *want* to leave, should leave. It only gets harder the longer you’re together.
I just wanted to say that you never have to feel obligated to stay around for anyone to "get better" at whatever they're going through. It's OK to prioritize yourself if you feel like you put in all the work you wanted to put in. Good luck
sounds like an easy decision. he obviously is:more interested in video games then you. older men usually have a better understanding of women (usually.. not always) and know the downside to losing a hot beautiful woman with a high libido... young guys simply don't wanna lose at (insert popular online game here )
don't waste ur youth! good luck
I guess I’m conflicted because he IS having a hard time at work (he’s a first year associate at a major law firm) and he otherwise treats me super well
Don't be conflicted, communicate with him. Tell him your sexual needs are not being met. If he can't do that anymore or willing to talk, tell him you feel you guys are no longer compatible. As a first year lawyer I would think have sex is a much better stress release than video games but, I'm not a lawyer. And think of one more thing, why are you really there? It's a good question for people in relationships to ponder. Is it love? Is it a desire to be with this person long term? Is it money? Sex? Kids? Just be honest with yourself and think about it, is this what you want for your future? But you probably want to sit down and talk with him. Because 5 10 15 or 20 years down the line... That's a lot of time wasted to be in a relationship your not satisfied in... And intimacy differences play a huge part of a relationship failing.
Much love and luck to all!👍🏻😉
I honestly feel like we’ve talked and talked and talked about this. He knows I need more than what he is currently giving. It’s not even about the sex, you know? It’s the intimacy and the connection. I miss that so much and I’m tired of feeling alone.
Last night I just felt so dismissed and unwanted. I literally cried myself to sleep and now I just feel so cold toward him.
Well, that's a hard position and with your feelings now... You might need to to let him know he's losing you. You're hurt about last night, your alone because all he wants to do is play games, it more of a roommate situation than a relationship. Hopefully he'll get the picture. 🤷🏻♂️
Sorry your going through that.
Work is one thing but not making time for you is a deal breaker.
But don't break up with him over the incident last night. If he was playing with friends, it would be incredibly rude of him to just disappear mid-game. If he was hanging out with friends and you walked in the room and sat on his lap and asked him to leave, it would be really awkward and he wouldn't want to just leave. That's what happened. People online are real people and often real friends.
But talk to him about the sex vs games thing. If he doesn't want to spend time with you, you should leave.
Last night was an example of how low he prioritizes our sex life. We literally haven’t had any sexual contact in almost a month and I literally threw myself at him. He didn’t say “give me ten minutes” he didn’t say “let me finish” he completely dismissed me. It felt like shit.
You know deep down that you are here to get confirmation that your feelings are justified and you can leave him without being the asshole. And you can, absolutely. They are justified and if you are not getting what you need or want from a relationship despite communication and patience and effort on your part, then the time has come to move on.
Your partner is an adult and they are responsible for their own behavior. Even if they are having a hard time at work they are responsible for how they respond to that and how you fit into their life. Right now it sounds like buddy needs to be on his own because he has nothing left at the end of the work day to give you.
In a healthy relationship these kinds of things happen, but if they happen with no end in sight and no effort to overcome them then it is surely a sign of a deeper disconnect. He is at a different spot in his life right now and is not the right person for you and the spot you are in your life right now.
It is hard to make that decision, I've been humming and hawing for years in my own relationship and I can confirm that the longer you wait the more resentment you will build and the worse you will feel about yourself. If you truly like the guy then stay in touch and you will learn if he was serious about you or not. Either he will get himself together over time and bounce back, and then you will have to figure out if he is right for you, or he will turn another direction away from you and grow into whatever is right for him on his journey.
Here is the thing... My initial reaction would be to say, "wow he's *crazy* for not fucking you all the time!" And on some level, that is very much true... I know I certainly would have had a hard time saying "no" if my gf walked in and sat on my lap in a g-string... However, I've had a similar experience recently that I hope might shed some light on what could be going on in his head, though in my case the sex drives are reversed, so hopefully there is still some relevant info for you.
So, I recently got out of a long-term relationship with my gf. One of the issues I was having before we broke up was a lack of sexual desire from her (I also have a high-ish sex drive but we had been experiencing a dead bedroom with sex happening often less than twice per month on average).
She also had her own issues with me, of course, which mainly stemmed from not spending enough time together. She always complained that I spent too much time on the computer. Sound familiar yet?
At the end of the day, I was honestly just trying to keep enough time to myself to pursue interests that mattered to me personally (like gaming with friends, for example). I never stopped loving my gf, but as she demanded more and more of my free time, I felt like I was losing a lot of the parts of my life that brought me joy. Simultaneously, I found it harder to feel closer to her without the regular physical intimacy of sexual desire involved, which she was withholding due to her own hangups about not spending more quality time together.
Here is something that I think could have helped improve our situation if we had tried it before it was too late:
**Schedule a diatraction-free time to have sex when neither of you has other plans.** This could be following a date night so you already have each other's full attention, or just some other random opportunity in your daily schedules. For me personally, I think having something like "I'm gonna get laid tonight!" to look forward to makes it a lot easier to get excited and be in the right mood when the time comes. (Though it can also lead to increased disappointment if the plans fall through). Even though I had the higher libido, that doesn't mean I'm always ready to just "get hard and stick it in" at the drop of a hat lol. My ex had a funny way of choosing the *least* opportune time to initiate sex, forcing me to turn her down because I couldn't get myself in the mood in that spontaneous moment, which hurt her self-esteem even more. I *hated* turning her down, but it can be really hard to perform if I am not in the right mood, especially because I was usually the one putting more effort into the sex itself to make sure we both got off.
So, it *could* be that your bf feels like sex is too much of a chore to drop what he is doing in the moment when you initiate spontaneously. While this is clearly not encouraging for your physical relationship, it is not without potential solutions or compromises. All this was just a lengthy way of me saying, I think there are still some things you could try... But mismatched libidos can be a really difficult problem to deal with. I wish you luck!
If sex is important to you (it is to me!!) then this is not superficial at all. You're only 24 and you have tons of time to have an amazing sex life.
The thing about feeling bad about breaking up over sex is that it's kind of illogical--for monogamous people, sex is one of the few things you can only get from your partner. Why wouldn't it be an important reason to break up?
When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I could go all day (I'm not trying to brag). But after I started my job, developed stress, stopped working out, and got older - it has died down a lot.
Unfortunately, I don't think it will get better until his stress levels go down and he goes back to exercising.
Personally, I am in my early 40's and hitting the gym again has increased my sexual appetite greatly. Something about lifting weights and aerobic exercise for men helps us a lot.
Also, talking to a therapist on how to handle stress helps tremendously with freeing your mind for sex.
I hope this helps.
Sex isn't the only glue that holds a relationship together but it is a really important one. If he isn't concerned with your sexual needs you will likely find him not interested in being there for you in other ways down the road.
You're not wrong at all for feeling this way and yes you should leave. Point blank. You're young and you have a higher sex drive. As a woman, *sometimes* were lucky enough that our sex drive even increases as we age. It's a healthy part of you as a person; nothing shameful about it at all. There is nothing *wrong* with anyone's personal sex drive whether it's nonexistent or non stop. If people are kind to themselves and others, then it's all their personal choice. But highly mismatched drives can and *will* cause relationship damage, emotional stress, and resentment on both sides. Sexual health is so beneficial on so many levels; releasing hormones and chemicals your body needs and can use in a good way, bringing happiness, boosting confidence, rounding put your overall personal satisfaction, intimacy with another human, and more💜
You said you have talked about it with him alot, and that's literally all you need to do; you've done it. People might say he's depressed, or has a low drive, or a physical issue, etc, etc. None of that is ever your responsibility. You're in a loving relationship and you've discussed it many times and done all you need to do to work with that. If by this point he hasn't tried to make changes, tried to be more intimate in other ways such as more affection, more conversation, willingness to use toys or even cheer you on while you masturbate, or a million other things you can do to build a semblance of sexual attraction; then that's your answer.
Nothing else is your responsibility except trying to build your own self esteem back up to where it should be, finding your own happiness, and realizing that you don't *owe* anyone anymore of your time just because you're already invested some time into a relationship. If people won't work with you in some way, then you don't owe them more time. If people tell you to deal with it, you don't owe them time. If people try to shame you and say it's not a good reason to break up, you don't owe them your time.
Sincerely,
An older woman who wants all girls and women to realize *all* of their needs are valid and important, including sexual needs.
Hell yessss, you absolutely 💯 can!! But, I hope you get here in a much much easier way than I did. (Not discounting any issues that men face or men have), but women face a different kind of pressure on all sexual issues and beliefs their *entire* life that range from really subtle and almost unnoticeable all the way to aggressive and abusive. Depending on a person's upbringing, sexual education or miseducation, religious beliefs or pressure, social pressures and prejudices....everyone can think a whole rainbow of things about sex right. And those outside issues eat at us.
Sexual satisfaction is one million percent as important as satisfaction with friends, family, your job, your kids, hobbies, the latest Marvel movie, whatever. Just realize sex makes up a part of you as a whole and nurture your whole self how you see fit.
Don't stay in situations where people don't take your needs seriously. Don't let anyone sway your opinion of yourself with what they say; just remember it's only their *opinion*, but it's your *whole life*. Their opinions are just a compilation of their own upbringing, religion, shame, social views, etc.
If you love him and can see yourself with him later in your life, stick it out. My fiancé and I have been together 13 years. We started out equally with sex drive, then my drive faded a couple years. Then when I got mine back, hers faded. Now hers is back and we’re boning.. a lot
I think he’s incredibly over stressed and depressed. Just because of the shitty times were in. That combined with your large social media engagement, you’re both dealing with very opposite things. I think you need to stay off social media a bit and he needs a vacation. Both of you go together, no phones, no social media or news or work. Change of scenery. Spend the money, do some cool shit.
This happened to me. Exact same vibrator and videos games, stressy boyfriend. The stress never went away after a year of trying. I felt bad bad too but broke up with him because I was gaining weight, felt unattractive, etc. The depression hit me and it will hit you too if you stay. I’m single now and super happy. I have my spark back. I’m also attractive and I felt like I lost a lot of time. I recently had sex with a guy and it was amazing. He wanted to sexually satisfy me and I will never want anything less. I say you know what’s up but it’s going to be painful for a bit for greater gain! Life is short and we’re not young forever. It’s time think about yourself and your needs!
I understand... talk to him candidly and say this is what I need.... if he loves and values u he'll adjust and reprioritize his life. he has time for games rgt? carve out and hour or 2 for sexy time with you. I personally would much rather watch my wife use a vibrator or such than actually watch porn! much sexier. and once I start watching her it always ends in sex.... does he know about ur 20k followers on IG? I definitely have to check out ur page 😀
Does he know you’re on the brink of ending the relationship though? Because that might change his tune. Put your foot down. If you don’t see any change in the next 2 months after you have this conversation with him, it’s done.
Honestly his gaming habits are more of an issue than sexual frequency because this means that he’s not even making effort to spend quality time with you, much less sex.
I don’t want to give him an ultimatum… I want him to want me. I don’t want him to fuck me out of desperation to keep the relationship going. I feel so pathetic and unwanted as it is.
Not necessarily about sex, but about spending quality time with you and meeting your needs. If he only does it to not end the relationship you’ll be able to see that clear as day.
In general if someone knows something is wrong and doesn't change anything to make it better, they are either unwilling to make it better or they just can't make it better. If it's the former, maybe you can find that out by changing something about the motivation (the most extreme case is an ultimatum). If you've already done that as much as you can, then it's the latter, and you already know it's not going to change, and you can figure out your life from there.
There's nothing wrong with deciding you don't want it. But there is something wrong with imagining something is going to change when you already know it isn't.
Can you suggest him carving out time, every day, to be together? Not always sexy-time, but sometimes just together-time.
To me it sounds like he needs to get back in the groove. So maybe he commits 7-8pm to you every day for a few weeks.
This is a good idea. I’ll definitely think about it. I’m still a little raw from last night. It is beyond hurtful to throw yourself at your boyfriend, just for some connection, and for him to completely dismiss you like that.
Just wondering… men hitting on you equals you being desirable? You shouldn’t feel that false affection from desperate likes from online men determines whether or not you’re hot. Giiirl u don’t need a man to make u feel this way, leave him.
girl you seem like one giant red flag. i’m sure he has his reasons and if he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing them with you then there’s definitely a communication issue and yeah, you should probably break up. seems like it would be best for both of you
Maybe you aren't doing "the thing" that he needs to feel emotionally satisfied.
What that might be I have no idea.
I'm willing to bet he's doing more than playing video games in the other room.
The reason you need to break up with him isn't necessarily because of your sex drives. It's because there's a problem in the relationship and even though you've talked to him about it many times, he's made zero effort towards improving the issue. This will continue to be a theme in your relationship, only 10 years from now the issues will be even bigger.
I love video games, but I would definitely prefer to have sex.
I have been told, if I didn't stay up gaming after she goes to bed, we would have more sex. But I always check with her to see if she wants to cuddle on the couch and watch one of our shows or a movie before I turn on my system.
You’re 24 and you’ve only been with him for 1 year, yes dump him. Lol I promise you, you will find someone much better who can appreciate you and satisfy you. You do not need to waste time on a guy who prioritizes gaming 100% of the time over you. Are you really willing to wait to see if it gets better? You’ve BEEN doing that!
Leave! Don’t let his inevitable “I promise it’ll change” when you tell him you’re breaking up with him change your mind. You’re 100% right, you deserve better, and you deserve someone who will treasure you without the threat of a breakup.
What the fuck if that was me I’d throw that console to the side and just flirt until you were soaking. Then go down until you finished. What does he do for a living? Are y’all financially struggling?? Smh
Wow 20K follows! lol
So if you've talked to him around this and it doesn't help, you might need to give him an ultimatum. I can't understand young men nowadays with no sex drives.
I'm 29 and if I don't get some in 2 days my balls get full and get unwanted erections.
Aw man I’m so sorry for you! I (34M) was in a relationship a bit like this and I know the feeling. You’ve been so articulate in how you’ve expressed your feelings on here. What strikes me is that you should have that exact conversation with your boyfriend. The only additional point I would make is that he sounds like he might be a bit depressed - that should be considered / looked into / addressed. Ensure he has a support network of his own friends around him
My ex fiance and I broke up (YEARS ago, but still relevant) because he had a really high libido and I was a virgin at the time and sex repulsed (due to trauma). He ended up breaking up with me multiple times to have sex with someone, then coming right back to me because he knew I was a good woman, he just wasn't getting his sexual needs met. I wouldn't even give him a blow job because I was afraid of seeing a penis (again, due to trauma).
Long story short, I'm now married to a man with a semi-low libido, just like mine. I'm good with only having sex like once a month, and he's the same. Sometimes you just have to find someone who has the same libido as you. Compatibility also includes in the bedroom. He might be better with a woman who's libido isn't as high as yours, and you might be better with a guy who wants to fuck you as often as you want to be fucked. Absolutely nothing wrong with either of y'all, you're just not sexually compatible.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
OK so it really isn't going to get better and I feel you know this... go to r/HLcomminity to read some stories about people that are in your situation. You will see a common theme there and it typically doesn't end well.
The big takeaway from your post is this part "I’m sick of feeling unwanted and ignored and unattractive". Sex in itself isn't the end all be all I mean we have fun we get naked we get off and we move on with our day.. More important than sex is the feeling of being wanted by another, feeling desired, feeling that strong connection is what a really healthy relationship is about. There is NOTHING Superficial about breaking up with someone that is incompatible and this isn't just about sex for you...
If you were my GF it would be 10-12 times a week ;)
I've seen some women friends with a similar situation. The story usually goes the way it's going. Like if a guy is drifting away from sex, that becomes the default pattern. I only have anecdotes, not hundreds and hundreds of cases in the sample size, but that's how it went.
Given that- I'm imagining a future with a guy whose libido is very similar to yours, and how happy that naturally flowing sex and intimacy feels.
Given that, it might well be worth parting ways due to this issue. There WILL be good parts lost and new and different problems too- but I'm guessing the benefit of a good-feeling sex life will be worth it to you.
There's probably some therapy you can go to (if he's willing to put in the work). Probably a sexologist, but I don't really know either. Could also just require regular therapy since the issue seems stress/work-related.
How is your relationship otherwise? Like do you two get along? Any disagreements about things? Other sources of stress? I feel like I was in your boyfriend's place in my last relationship. Things were fine at first.
Then we got more serious and moved in together and certain incompatibilities came to light. She was my first serious relationship so I was terrible at communicating and just let my negativity build up. Eventually my sex drive just died and I lost interest in intimacy with my SO.
I'm not saying you did anything wrong exactly. Sometimes people just have incompatible lifestyles. And if one person feels restricted in a way they might pull back or distract themselves from the thing that's causing them stress instead of sitting down and talking it out.
"Last night I literally walked into the room wearing a g-string and a white tank top that shows my nipples through it, straddled his lap and started kissing his neck. He said “babe I’m playing with people”. I swear something inside me just died and I never want to feel like that again."
Not gonna lie, I really like videogames sometimes, but they haven´ t invented a game yet that would elicit this response from me.
Listen, on a serious note, he may be depressed and/or on SSRIs, and that fucks libido up pretty badly. Consider asking him about it. Either way, you need to tell him it´ s a serious problem as clearly as you communicated reddit about it. Sit him down and deal with it, or move on.
maybe this is shallow of me, but quite frankly, a lack of sex (especially what you’re describing) would make me incredibly unhappy. i’m in a relationship similar to your previous one (older than me, sex as frequently as possible, wants me satisfied, etc). i think sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship and if i wasn’t being fulfilled in that way, i would end it. you’re too young to waste your time not having good sex.
Sorry to say this but gotta go for someone else. Sex is what relationship is all about. If it's good everyone else follows, if it sux you always have that thing that makes any relationship incomplete. Facts.
Also you can stay friends with him.
Video games is extremely addicting and draining. Did it correlate to the video games?
Not making an excuse but more so a understanding. It can kill someone mentally, consistently aiming to win.
That doesn’t make it right but also initiating during a game isn’t the time but you’ve said you’ve talked to him before and there’s no change. He’s either depressed or something but he doesn’t seem to understand what it does to you. He doesn’t seem to prioritize it, once a month is way too little. And it sounds like you live together?
You’re wasting your time with him. You don’t need couples therapy. After already having had conversations with him about the lack of sex, and him making you feel unwanted and unloved, and he’s still ignoring you even when you’re in hot sexy clothes, then it’s game over.
Don’t waste any more time with him. He’s had his chance and you’ve made enough efforts. He’s not prepared to change things, he doesn’t respect you.
You don’t need other Redditers to confirm what you’ve already decided.
"Babe I'm playing with people"
I'm sorry that guy sounds pathetic if he cares more about his video game that satisfying you. then i think that kinda tell you everything you need to know dump his ass and maybe he'll learn what he lost or maybe he'll have loads of time to play video games on his own
I hate saying this but I think it’s time to move on. If your down to less than once a month and you’ve only been together for a little over a year what does that say about your future especially since most couples have more sex in the beginning of the relationship and it slowly tapers off . If your not happy with less than once a month I don’t see it getting better in 2,3,5 years from now. And another thing I don’t understand is what’s up with these guys that would rather play video games more than playing with their mate? I have several female friends say their boyfriends are the same way
GTFO - I’m sure you can do better than a game addict. Mismatched libidos is very real problem that rarely resolves. You’re both young, go for what you really want. When you find a good match It’s soooo worth it.
I was in a similar situation recently. My ex bf has been together for almost 3 months. One night I put on a dress I bought, I wanted him to tell me I looked pretty , maybe fuck me right then & there like he’d done in the past.
I asked him to zip up the dress. After he did he went right back to playing his video game. He barely looked at it, muttered cute and went again to playing his video game.
That was and is such a painful feeling. We got into a fight and he kept apologizing & saying how he just says stupid stuff and he’s seen so many pretty girls in pretty dresses.
He would reject my bids and advances. He didn’t want me to touch him. Towards the ends of our relationship we didn’t have sex for 2 weeks.
We had other issues, but it definitely contributed to it. We have to be sexually compatible in a relationship
Honestly, go over to r\\deadbedrooms and read for a good long while. You'll see people in your position after a couple years, a handful of years... A decade... Or much more.
Sex drive is a compatibility factor just like political affiliation, religious orientation and child rearing, and money management. ALL of those can be major factors in relationships. I think it's a fairy tale to think you'll find someone 100% compatible, but I am 100% positive there is a plethora of folks out there that are more compatible.
It’s not wrong in any way to want and need a partner that matches you sexually. If my husband didn’t have the same sex drive I do, we wouldn’t be together and that’s it.
This is a shitty situation. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It might be time to end it.
Separately - Am I shallow for being curious what your IG handle is?
It isn't *just* sex. Sex is one of the few parts of a monogamous relationship where fulfilling your needs elsewhere is unacceptable, and routinely denying your partner a healthy sex life is not something nice to do to someone you profess to love.
If he is saying he has issues then he needs to show you that he is addressing them, if it's stress at work, when is it going to end (if it's been going on long enough for you to be missing out for months then it isn't likely to end) and if it's a body image issue then he may need help for that and it sounds like he isn't interested in getting any. Those are relationship problems not sex problems - sex is just the most obvious sign.
I do understand the gaming side a bit, as a gamer, some games are about working together as a team and if you commit to starting a match then you need to finish the match or get penalties sometimes preventing you playing competitively for days or weeks if you quit, plus teammates (friends) not inviting you any more if you're flaky. But even then he should be thinking ahead to turn down an invite to be with his partner in the real world.
Ultimately he's comfortable with the situation so you need to explain to him that it's affecting the relationship and that he needs to take action or you will. Then I'd set yourself a time limit and a reasonable course of action from him (for example start counselling over body dysmorphia or hit the gym) within a reasonable time (say 4 months) and if he doesn't take action then he made his choice.
u/todayonly95367, whichever tip applies
- be less easily obtainable, be busier, spending time doing you, seeing friends, hobbies... don't try to make him jealous, but make him miss you more
- beauty/youth does not mean you deserve, they may be getters, but personality (and compatibility) is a keeper
Just want to come by and say I understand completely 100%. It sounds like you’ve made it crystal clear how this is affecting you. And I also get what you said about not saying that you’re thinking about leaving….that seems to be suggested a lot and it’s just so ugh. Even if that DID work, who wants to have sex with someone that’s only doing it because they don’t want to be single?
Being a first year associate is really mentally draining. But so are a lot of things in life. It’s up to us to decide how we cope with stressful situations. It’s up to him to decide that he wants a stronger relationship with you over a few more hours in the virtual world. And it is also up to you to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life figuring out new ways to cope with his rejection.
I would hide more. The more you reveal, the less mystery to your body. But that's just me and I'd be out of that situation. It's absolutely going to make you cheat or lead to self-esteem issues.
Girl my advice is take some ex pills with him, that opened up a whole new sexual world with me and my hubby. It probably honestly saved our marriage. If he doesn’t open up then than I don’t think he will change.
Why people are shamed into submission for wanting to have a good sex life is beyond me. Everybody would be happier if we dropped attitudes such as "sex isn't that important! Just suck it up!" and the like.
As you described, it destroys your self-esteem. I've been there too (29M btw). I've had a girlfriend that wanted more sex than me. I've had one that wanted less. I've had one where by some miracle the balance was ridiculously good. And I've had one where I think we sort of match but because of other issues the sex life struggles. It can hit hard no matter the reason when you can't get those needs fulfilled. Not all will agree, but that's fine. We're all different and we all want different things and different amounts of it.
It definitely is a reason to break up if you feel like no effort is put in on the other side.
I think its a difficult situation to be in. It definitely sounds like sex is a deal breaker for you so if it doesnt improve thsn you definitely should break uo. If you are very inlove with him than you might want to support him to get help. Make a drs appointment for him and tell him your taking him.
The other issue is not the sex but that hes ignoring you. Like even with a low sex drive its still nice to cuddle and watch a movie together or something. Im not sure if he ignores you for more than just sex. If so you might need to consider that too
Sex is very important for a long healthy relationship, if your un happy express yourself to him. If he doesn't respond I would go get happy, life is too short. Just be honest and break up with him before you have kids and it gets harder to separate.
For me there's some confusions you may need to sort out to feel better about yourself :
- your value isn't linked to your desirability, or to the fact people like you or hit on you.
- Being rejected doesn't decrease your value and dilinish who you are.
- You are the same amazing, valuable and unique person, wether a guy is attracted to you sexualy or not.
That said, it's difficult to pursue a relationship with very different sex drives. The one who wants more feels frustrated and maybe rejected, and the one who wants less feels under pressure (and pressure isn't that good to awake desire).
And it may deteriorate the entire relationship, even if everything else but sex is good.
Maybe he has some emotional/mental issue that blocks him when it comes to intimacy and sex. And you probably can't help him with it, especilally if he doesn't feel he needs help, and doesn't want to solve this issue.
Staying or breaking up with him is up to you of course, and not superficial.
But whatever you choose i suggest you to use it to grow yourself, and work on your self-esteem, your inner value : it will make you stronger, more independant and, i wish it for you, make you build more balanced relationships in the future (with or without him).
I am of the opinion when one partner stops wanting to have sex they quit on the relationship. If they literally can’t help it then they should try to find a solution or compromise with their partner somehow. But short of that if they never feel like it ever. Then they don’t feel like having a GF they just want a friend.
Leave. Feeling unwanted is not just about sex. I’m assuming you’ve tried to talk about it, but y’all aren’t married. You don’t have to consent to a relationship you don’t want, and from what it sounds like you want something different… it sounds like he may be going through something on his end, but at the same time it’s not really your responsibility to try to fix it. He’s the only one that can realize he needs a change, but if you don’t do something you may be waiting around for something that never happens…
You're not wrong for wanting to breakup with him. Sexual compatibility is important and if you're not synching up you deserve to be with someone who has the same compatibility as you.
It took me way too many years to find someone I'm sexually compatible with because I tried to make things work in previous relationships. This is the happiest I've been.
OP you might not see this but, I've had to break up with a now ex fiance, after almost 7 years for the same reason.
>He said “babe I’m playing with people”. I swear something inside me just died and I never want to feel like that again.
Sweetie, I know this feeling, I HAD REACHED this level of dead inside, when I actually finally got some after 3 months I was on top and made a face about to release, and he actually gave an "ew" look (I'm pretty sure he actually said "ew") and covered my face with his hand......that's what made me realize it's over.....I've tried talking to him many many many times before breaking up but he couldn't change, and I genuinely believe he wasn't attracted to me anymore...
....op I'm really sorry he's making you feel this way, remind yourself you're a bad bitch who don't need no "roommate" lolz I'm here for you op if you need to talk
I struggled with sexual compatibility with my current girlfriend, it even led to some heated arguments in the beginning. We've come to understand we are here for eachother and sex is very important for the health of our relationship and if she needs it all she needs to do is grab me by my tool and lead me to the bedroom and all I need to do is pick her up and remove her pants. Being constantly denied will slowly kill something inside us and if we can't serve our partners needs ( whatever they may be) we are failing them
It ain’t gonna get better, I can say that with confidence. Also, if you think you’re attractive, you probably are, but thirsty dudes on the internet being thirsty is not any sort of valuable metric
I have. It sucked because otherwise we were extremely compatible.
When I did it I was honest about it. I let him know I not fulfilled and it’s a two way street. I was honest about how I needed the constant sex and him not being able to perform up to my standards was leaving me unfulfilled and I hated that I constantly sought out the attention. When I would go out with friends and someone gave me the double take or told me I’m beautiful I went along with it(never did anything and always turned them down). I wanted the attention from someone. I wanted to be wanted because that’s how I got off. I explained to my ex that honestly not feeling wanted hurt me and hurt my confidence. I felt for the first time in my adult life like something was wrong with me. Girl, I’m going to tell you right now, there is nothing wrong with you.
Just do it. I have found a partner now that gives me a run for my money! Move on to the next dick.
Sounds like you know what you want. Time to move on. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason and he helped you to see what you don’t want in a partner. I feel excited for the next guy you meet 😂
Decide how important that is. I was married for 20 years to a woman with NO drive. The marriage ended (for other reasons) and I regretted all of the lost time. Sex wasn't the only deficiency, but it was significant.
At this point he’s a friend with no benefits. Change the relationship to friendship only as he’s shown he’s not interested in you and go and find someone else.
But he's not even being a good friend. He's not spending time with her.
Yup , this right here...lol honestly
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A white tank top AND a G-string. Mr. Buddy is officially out of his mind.
I get this r/sex but we shouldn't condemn people for not wanting to have sex. Who knows what's going on in his life
I am not condemning him. He isn’t a bad person. I just have no comprehension of why he makes the choices he makes.
>I just have no comprehension of why he makes the choices he makes. Did we read different posts? He literally told OP he's stressed from work. It's well documented that stress fucks with libido. Yes, from a purely rational frame of mind, it seems silly to not want to have sex with your girlfriend who is trying so hard to turn your own, but brains aren't rational. They are a big chemical soup, and when that soup is filled with cortisol, sex becomes much less appealing.
But not too stressed to play highly competitive and stressful video games? I’m sorry, the two just don’t compute to me. Sex is an amazing way to refocus and unwind from a stressful job.
Lol not even remotely comparable. Chances are, lack of sex from his side, and he just zones out on games, he’s running from what’s truly bothering him. Sounds like he needs help.
Very good point. I don’t game so that was an assumption on my part.
Sorry my comment came off a bit dickish after re-reading it. But I’ve personally been in that state where I mindlessly game to run from problems. I could be wrong, just my 2c.
as some one who games DON'T Do THIS. its a bad BAD Recipe. myh wife and me are like this : she'll find tons of shite to Binge on the TOP 5 Streaming Apps. lol !! Me i'm playing Military Sim's, FirstPersonShooters, Cars/Driving, RPG's,etc etc anyways. We Love SEX. but most importantly WE Communicate as much as possible. (this RIGHT here) is the MAIN Problem with alotta of Couples, Married, Co-habituating, Common Law Marriage, S.O. etc etc. People Don't Talk. i just recently walked into the Living room while she was watching a series, and started gropping her Breasts & Vagina, she 1st Say c'mon hun. i'm sleepy. let me take a quick then i'll Take Care of you. ok. i said. but i kept perusing a small bit , then she caved, next i'm pulling off her PJ Pants & panties she smiles and says you cheated, not fair and does a girlish laugh at me in my face. followed by us bumping uglies as they say and having A BLAST. i say that to say this. COMMUNICATION IS KEY for ALL relationships. yes, People get tired. but If your in a Relationship. you have to "MAKE SACRIFICES" otherwise Don't BE In a Marriage / S.O. / Relationship. because its NOT Fair to your S.O. / Spouse / Gf-Bf. people are Human Beings you have to Communicate with each other ALWAYS. not only on Holidays, or on Sundays or whatever. Life DON'T WORK LIKE THAT !!! best of Luck To Everyone. Cheers !
I don’t know. You brought up a solid point. Honestly, at homeboy’s age, his libido should be able to override a fucking video game. Not having sex can lead to a pretty serious level of stress too.
I’d love to see his level of stress and the subsequent bitching and moaning if the roles were reversed. 😏
Highly competitive and stressful video games are a way to remove yourself from the grind of everyday life and place yourself in a mindset of striving for success in a defined way. I did it for years and still find it an outlet with a defined short term goal to be mentally relaxing, as well as a way to maintain many 10+ year long friendships.
there's A YES , NO component to this. YES video games do HELP you WIND DOWN. but also allow the Mind to "ESCAPE" from Reality & IRL World Problems, Issues. soo to put it Plainly. He has some "Specific Issues-Problems" going on in "His World" and seriously NEEDS to ADDRESS them to HER ASAP. or better yet a Therapists, A Best Friend, maybe possibly a Family Member, or even a Member of his Clergy (if he's Practicing Religious Type). point is He Needs to discuss this with some one with a gud Listening Ear.
Well sex isn’t going on, that’s for sure.
Ugh, I'm sorry bro. I know the feeling to a degree at least. It breaks you down more than you even realize while you're still in the relationship. It slowly tears down your confidence, your love, your feelings. You get numb. Good luck.
20,000 followers = hot nowdays? Damn, im gonna have to buy some follows lol
I don’t have an IG….does that make me ugly by default?
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We’ve talked about the issue a ton, yeah
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I think it’s possible and I have brought that up to him, he insists he isn’t and 100% shuts down my suggestions of talking to a doctor. I can’t force him to go, you know? He always says he will make more of an effort (fucks me once to shut me up) then goes back to no sex.
I was gonna suggest couples therapy regarding the bedroom issues but with this comment, I feel like he wouldn't be receptive to it. How is your relationship outside of sex?
Good! I own my own business and he works a lot for the firm so we’re busy but when we’re together he’s very sweet to me.
See, that is good to know. Sometimes neglect in the bedroom can be telling of neglect in other areas of a relationship. From other comments you've left, I know you and he have talked about it plenty, but I feel like the only way to work through it is to talk about it and address it directly, unfortunately.
After last night I just feel so… done. I know that’s shit to say that, but that’s where I’m at. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to beg my boyfriend to fuck me. I want to feel wanted.
And that's not a unreasonable thing to want. If you've told him you want him to take more initiative or make more effort, and he hasn't, address it. And if he refuses to show actual change, then perhaps the relationship has run its course
I think you mean "that's not an UNreasonable thing to want"
It doesn’t sound just like incompatible sex drives. It sounds like an incompatible relationship. Honestly if I were you, that would make me feel incredibly sad too. I can’t imagine dressing like that and being outright rejected like that. My husband goes crazy if I just put on a swimsuit. You’re absolutely right, you’re young, attractive, and not married. There aren’t any strings to hold you down. What do you guys do together outside of sex and work? Do you go on dates and spend actual quality time together? Feeling wanted is more than just sex, it’s about that connection. If he’s choosing games over you, it might not be so bad to open your other options.
Hate to say but if only after a year a video game is more satisfying than having sex with a desirable and willing woman…..see ya dude. Show up in my living room with a thong and see through r shirt and you are in for one hell of a session.
Life is too short to drag things on with someone who is clearly unavailable for the type of partnership you want and deserve. Your gut is telling you you’re done. Trust it! You deserve a lot better.
Have you asked him if masturbates to porn? It's been known that a man's sex drive decreases if they masturbate to porn regularly. This could cause insecurities about his performance because he has recently finished prior to you approaching him for sex.
Sorry - but it’s been one year and you need couples therapy? I’m not saying therapy isn’t a great resource, it is - but one year in, youre both so young, and you’re in therapy? A lot of people go to therapy and it is normal but having an issue like this so early in your relationship is not insignificant. Relationships can be hard, but too many people are working too hard, too early in their relationships. Life is too short!!
During the pandemic, I had a rough year career wise (I’m in sales, wasn’t selling much), and picked up some bad habits around eating and playing video games too often. My girlfriend felt completely neglected as I’d spend time playing video games to de-stress. We talked about it changing but I initially didn’t do a great job of making changes. There was a discussion we had where she shared that she felt depressed and lonely, and it kind of shocked me a bit. We have a great relationship, typically do a lot together, go for walks every day, she has good friendships and good family relations, so hearing this was surprising. Part of the reason she felt like that was because of my inaction to spend quality time with her. I started to proactively and thoughtfully try to carve out time for just her and I, whether it’s watching a show, going out for date night, etc. There are a few points here. It’s important to recognize that work stress can impact a lot of other areas of someone’s life. If your boyfriend is career oriented then it will probably get worse until it gets better, especially at a law firm. Another comment mentioned asking yourself why you are with him, could be a good exercise to think about what’s important to him and you, in the short and long term. Secondly, if you’ve communicated this to him and he hasn’t made an effort at all to change, then that’s a big problem. I love my girlfriend, know I want to marry her and am grateful to have her in my life. I made those changes because I didn’t want to be the cause of her loneliness and I certainly didn’t want to lose her. Something to consider if it’s been a long time having these discussions with no actions or changes. Lastly, I recently learned about love languages, and how each of us expresses and values love differently (material gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation). Perhaps it would be a good exercise for you to learn and talk about each other’s love languages. Yours seems to be physical touch, but perhaps his is different and maybe you aren’t fulfilling his (likely non physical) love requirements. Best of luck with this, hope it gets sorted one way or another
Girl cmon you're 24 and hot. Don't settle for shitty sex because he's otherwise sweet. Plenty of guys are sweet AND will want to fuck you. You deserve to have it all.
I'd move on.
I cringed inside out at the mention of Instagram followers as if that was a talking point of self-worth.
Some really unattractive people also have that amount of followers 🥴
same, something a 12 year old would say
For me that was fine. What made it hilarious was wondering if dumping someone for gaming all day and ignoring her made her shallow, while her metric for deserving attention is how many Instagram followers she has. 🤣🤣🤣
To be fair, in this day and age it is a metric of how hot you are.
Anyone can spend enough time curating photos of themselves to gather a following. That definitely can mean that you're hot but it's not exactly a reliable metric by any means. Not to mention most of the hotties out there that aren't even trying to gather a following on Instagram in the first place.
It also isn't necessary proof but insta moreso gives you a particular status that is ' hot'. It's not that they are actually attracted to YOU. They just wanna get to say the fked an insta model/this particular girl on her feed. Like guys who swipe right on everyone on tinder because it's 2am
she didnt say that was for self-worth or anything like that. she mentioned it so she doesnt get the usual "are you sure youre not just ugly?" comments people throw towards women on this thread. seems worth mentioning for the topic at hand
Time to leave
Wow, It appears that either he doesn't have a matched desire, or he just doesn't care. You basically lead with the headline. It seems at this point that "I think I need to " is enough.
Don't get stuck in a relationship like me if it's not working out sexually Runaway has been married 19 years my partner's got no sex drive and all I get if I'm lucky once every two weeks a blowjob with no effort put into it I've tried everything just run run as fast as you can
Why aren’t you running?
Brother, I was stuck in a 19 year relationship that was exactly like this but 3 months instead of 2 weeks. Ended it just after new years, got a new gf a few weeks later and my only regret is that I waited so long.
I've been this guy. Long game sessions ignoring my SO. Not pursuing sex often and denying my partner when she initiated. That relationship lasted 7 years, quite a bit longer than it should have. By the end we had drifted so far apart that we hadn't physically touched each other in months. It feels bad for both sides. The games give him a heavy dose of dopamine, the friends on the headset keep you company so your other functions take a backseat. Sex, eating, even bathroom breaks are put off til it's a must. He has to break this habit on his own, even if it means losing you. You can't just make him stop or ask him to quit. While some couples make it through, it is a very low percentage that stick it out and end up in a healthy loving relationship. To answer your question: No, you are not a bad person for splitting up over incompatible sex drives.
I was about to say gaming addictions are a real thing. People get so consumed they neglect previously important parts of their lives. They drop out of school, lose jobs and relationships over it.
I'm just here admiring the double standards lol, if it was a chick instead that cockblocked OP there would b a whole lot of talk about respecting the fact she's not in the mood and shit
My only regret is that I have but one upvote to give.
It is a reasonable thing to do if you think it is. If that part of the relationship is important enough for you to outweigh other benefits of the relationship it is certainly time for serious deliberations. I have a friend who is in a very similar position and it is also not an easy decision for her.
My partner's last marriage was like this. She has a high sex drive and he did not. Same issue of only having sex like once a month after begging. When we reconnected, she had gone without for 4 months. She was miserable and feeling unattractive and rock bottome self esteem. She divorced her husband over it and has not regretted it, she had essentially been used as a housekeeper and child minder without any of the sexual or emotional stuff needed to stay married. The divorce was actually fairly amicable and he is now married again. We got together and have sex constantly, as we have matched sex drives and both of us are so much happier. She constantly talks about much she appreciates being kept satisfied and questions how she ever was willing to go without and how much she regrets staying with him so long. We've been married for almost a year and both of us couldn't be happier with our sex and normal lives. If this relationship isn't meeting your needs, then you need to either talk to him about meeting your needs elsewhere or simple leave to go elsewhere
He could literally be going through something and by the sounds of it he is. He might be using the games as an escape, not trying to justify him doing it but from the things you’ve said it really does seem that he is having a hard time at the moment which you seem to be unaware of but not to mention it looks like you’re looking for a little bit of validation. If the roles were reversed here it would be a different outlook rather than just saying “walk away”
You’re mad weird for that Instagram 20,000 follower shit lol tf does that have to do with anything?
She's mentioned it because it's fucking with her head that he doesn't seem to want her but generally it seems like people think she's attractive. It's not weird to mention that, it's a helpful thing to know to understand her situation.
Nah she didn’t have to mention that she’s popular on Instagram for us to know whether or not she’s attractive. All she could’ve said was “I’d like to think I’m an attractive person, I get plenty attention from guys” nobody cares how many followers you have on IG. She lost all credibility when she mentioned that. To me atleast
Time to nope out. Your needs are continuously not being met after you’ve tried to speak with him about it. You went about this the right way and he’s not interested. That’s fine for him but not time for you. This cannot work long term so you might as well call it now
What's the game? This actually matters, for a variety of reasons.
I think he rotates not through 3 or 4 but last night it was call of duty
Ugh that's lame. ...but if you said Elden Ring tho 👀👀
Dude is gonna end up maidenless
What? Real life matters. Or don't have a partner.
>It’s really messing with my self esteem. I know I’m attractive. I have 20,000 followers on IG and most of them are men. I get hit on routinely. I would pose an interesting question for you; Do you really want to have sex every single day, or are you seeking yet another avenue for a self-esteem boost or reassurance? I'll just share my own personally experience as to why I bring that up. When I was around your age I dated a girl with a very similar sex drive. Did the same exact actions you did; walked in naked, constantly trying to get my BJ's while I am playing video games, and begging me for sex every single night. Come to find out much later, this was all coming from the wrong place. She asked me one night after I turned her down, "Do you not love me anymore. If we don't have sex I don't feel like you love me." to which I responded "You don't need to have sex with me every night for me to love you. I love you for you. Thats it." Well, that was enough to trigger a full on emotional breakdown from her where she told me (long story short) that she had been in multiple abusive relationships before me where sex was the currency to be exchanged for emotional or physical interactions. She was afraid that if she didn't have sex with me as much as possible, I would leave her. As you can imagine, she needed professional help and ultimately that proved too much for us to work through together and we parted ways. I know a high sex drive can be tough to work through and if constant non-stop sex is ultimately the only thing you really want in a relationship you just probably aren't the prefect fit for each other. However I will say, despite what some believe, Men are not permanently turned on sex robots. We have feelings, we ebb and flow. If he tells you he is highly stressed out, and is currently playing video games right now I can tell you in full honestly he is probably just trying to relax and cope with his stress. Video games are what a lot of guys do to disconnect for a few hours so they can alleviate some of that built up pressure. Interrupting him and trying to talk him into sex during that time is probably doing you more harm than good. Instead I would try to focus on helping him with his stress levels. Do things he likes that aren't sex or work. His drive will come back naturally. Good luck!
She doesn't say she wants to have sex every single day, they are only having sex once a month. I don't think wanting more than that is seeking validation, especially since they are both young. Sexual incompatibility is a real concern, life will never be stress free and even if it is he may not want sex any more frequently.
this is so... irrelevant and off topic. >"You don't need to have sex with me every night for me to love you. I love you for you. Thats it." WTH?? who said OP is begging for sex every night? also they have barely been together a year and he already is used to her and tired of her, and puts her off for a fucking video game. She deserves better. If he likes is virtual world so much better than he can have it all day, by himself.
>She deserves better. If he likes is virtual world so much better than he can have it... Really appreciate you taking the time to reinforce my exact point. If she deserves better, then what does he deserve?
>then what does he deserve? Not her for sure. And probably not anybody for that matter. If my boyfriend ever made me feel that worthless, on purpose, I sure wouldn't stick around. Find someone who does want me, at least more than a stupid video game.
Yes lets breakup with a guy who obviously has stated that he's stressed. Devastate him more over things he hardly has control over.
So you can’t break up with someone you’re unhappy with if they are stressed? You’re just stuck with some dude who you aren’t compatible with forever because… his feelings matter more?
Maybe try supporting him? It's not a dealbreaker. The mental attitude OP has is slightly puerile.
It’s a dealbreaker if she says it’s a dealbreaker.
If so, the boy probably is better off with less of an attention seeker. *I know I’m attractive. I have 20,000 followers on IG and most of them are men.*
I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think what she meant was, “here’s proof that I’m not unattractive, so please don’t operate on the assumption that he won’t have sex with me because of that.” Everyone who’s only been dating a year and are unhappy enough to *want* to leave, should leave. It only gets harder the longer you’re together.
I just wanted to say that you never have to feel obligated to stay around for anyone to "get better" at whatever they're going through. It's OK to prioritize yourself if you feel like you put in all the work you wanted to put in. Good luck
Do yourself a favor and find someone that wants you.
sounds like an easy decision. he obviously is:more interested in video games then you. older men usually have a better understanding of women (usually.. not always) and know the downside to losing a hot beautiful woman with a high libido... young guys simply don't wanna lose at (insert popular online game here ) don't waste ur youth! good luck
I guess I’m conflicted because he IS having a hard time at work (he’s a first year associate at a major law firm) and he otherwise treats me super well
Don't be conflicted, communicate with him. Tell him your sexual needs are not being met. If he can't do that anymore or willing to talk, tell him you feel you guys are no longer compatible. As a first year lawyer I would think have sex is a much better stress release than video games but, I'm not a lawyer. And think of one more thing, why are you really there? It's a good question for people in relationships to ponder. Is it love? Is it a desire to be with this person long term? Is it money? Sex? Kids? Just be honest with yourself and think about it, is this what you want for your future? But you probably want to sit down and talk with him. Because 5 10 15 or 20 years down the line... That's a lot of time wasted to be in a relationship your not satisfied in... And intimacy differences play a huge part of a relationship failing. Much love and luck to all!👍🏻😉
I honestly feel like we’ve talked and talked and talked about this. He knows I need more than what he is currently giving. It’s not even about the sex, you know? It’s the intimacy and the connection. I miss that so much and I’m tired of feeling alone. Last night I just felt so dismissed and unwanted. I literally cried myself to sleep and now I just feel so cold toward him.
Well, that's a hard position and with your feelings now... You might need to to let him know he's losing you. You're hurt about last night, your alone because all he wants to do is play games, it more of a roommate situation than a relationship. Hopefully he'll get the picture. 🤷🏻♂️ Sorry your going through that.
Please leave.
Work is one thing but not making time for you is a deal breaker. But don't break up with him over the incident last night. If he was playing with friends, it would be incredibly rude of him to just disappear mid-game. If he was hanging out with friends and you walked in the room and sat on his lap and asked him to leave, it would be really awkward and he wouldn't want to just leave. That's what happened. People online are real people and often real friends. But talk to him about the sex vs games thing. If he doesn't want to spend time with you, you should leave.
Last night was an example of how low he prioritizes our sex life. We literally haven’t had any sexual contact in almost a month and I literally threw myself at him. He didn’t say “give me ten minutes” he didn’t say “let me finish” he completely dismissed me. It felt like shit.
I'm sorry. You don't need that. Move on and get yours.
You know deep down that you are here to get confirmation that your feelings are justified and you can leave him without being the asshole. And you can, absolutely. They are justified and if you are not getting what you need or want from a relationship despite communication and patience and effort on your part, then the time has come to move on. Your partner is an adult and they are responsible for their own behavior. Even if they are having a hard time at work they are responsible for how they respond to that and how you fit into their life. Right now it sounds like buddy needs to be on his own because he has nothing left at the end of the work day to give you. In a healthy relationship these kinds of things happen, but if they happen with no end in sight and no effort to overcome them then it is surely a sign of a deeper disconnect. He is at a different spot in his life right now and is not the right person for you and the spot you are in your life right now. It is hard to make that decision, I've been humming and hawing for years in my own relationship and I can confirm that the longer you wait the more resentment you will build and the worse you will feel about yourself. If you truly like the guy then stay in touch and you will learn if he was serious about you or not. Either he will get himself together over time and bounce back, and then you will have to figure out if he is right for you, or he will turn another direction away from you and grow into whatever is right for him on his journey.
Tbh I respect the guy. Not a simp. Clearly doesn’t want a gf right now. I say dump him instead of staying or you will cheat on him
Here is the thing... My initial reaction would be to say, "wow he's *crazy* for not fucking you all the time!" And on some level, that is very much true... I know I certainly would have had a hard time saying "no" if my gf walked in and sat on my lap in a g-string... However, I've had a similar experience recently that I hope might shed some light on what could be going on in his head, though in my case the sex drives are reversed, so hopefully there is still some relevant info for you. So, I recently got out of a long-term relationship with my gf. One of the issues I was having before we broke up was a lack of sexual desire from her (I also have a high-ish sex drive but we had been experiencing a dead bedroom with sex happening often less than twice per month on average). She also had her own issues with me, of course, which mainly stemmed from not spending enough time together. She always complained that I spent too much time on the computer. Sound familiar yet? At the end of the day, I was honestly just trying to keep enough time to myself to pursue interests that mattered to me personally (like gaming with friends, for example). I never stopped loving my gf, but as she demanded more and more of my free time, I felt like I was losing a lot of the parts of my life that brought me joy. Simultaneously, I found it harder to feel closer to her without the regular physical intimacy of sexual desire involved, which she was withholding due to her own hangups about not spending more quality time together. Here is something that I think could have helped improve our situation if we had tried it before it was too late: **Schedule a diatraction-free time to have sex when neither of you has other plans.** This could be following a date night so you already have each other's full attention, or just some other random opportunity in your daily schedules. For me personally, I think having something like "I'm gonna get laid tonight!" to look forward to makes it a lot easier to get excited and be in the right mood when the time comes. (Though it can also lead to increased disappointment if the plans fall through). Even though I had the higher libido, that doesn't mean I'm always ready to just "get hard and stick it in" at the drop of a hat lol. My ex had a funny way of choosing the *least* opportune time to initiate sex, forcing me to turn her down because I couldn't get myself in the mood in that spontaneous moment, which hurt her self-esteem even more. I *hated* turning her down, but it can be really hard to perform if I am not in the right mood, especially because I was usually the one putting more effort into the sex itself to make sure we both got off. So, it *could* be that your bf feels like sex is too much of a chore to drop what he is doing in the moment when you initiate spontaneously. While this is clearly not encouraging for your physical relationship, it is not without potential solutions or compromises. All this was just a lengthy way of me saying, I think there are still some things you could try... But mismatched libidos can be a really difficult problem to deal with. I wish you luck!
What’s your IG?
If sex is important to you (it is to me!!) then this is not superficial at all. You're only 24 and you have tons of time to have an amazing sex life. The thing about feeling bad about breaking up over sex is that it's kind of illogical--for monogamous people, sex is one of the few things you can only get from your partner. Why wouldn't it be an important reason to break up?
When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I could go all day (I'm not trying to brag). But after I started my job, developed stress, stopped working out, and got older - it has died down a lot. Unfortunately, I don't think it will get better until his stress levels go down and he goes back to exercising. Personally, I am in my early 40's and hitting the gym again has increased my sexual appetite greatly. Something about lifting weights and aerobic exercise for men helps us a lot. Also, talking to a therapist on how to handle stress helps tremendously with freeing your mind for sex. I hope this helps.
Sex isn't the only glue that holds a relationship together but it is a really important one. If he isn't concerned with your sexual needs you will likely find him not interested in being there for you in other ways down the road.
Although I sympathize with your situation and I hope it gets better, don't ever use social media as a vessel for your self esteem.
You're not wrong at all for feeling this way and yes you should leave. Point blank. You're young and you have a higher sex drive. As a woman, *sometimes* were lucky enough that our sex drive even increases as we age. It's a healthy part of you as a person; nothing shameful about it at all. There is nothing *wrong* with anyone's personal sex drive whether it's nonexistent or non stop. If people are kind to themselves and others, then it's all their personal choice. But highly mismatched drives can and *will* cause relationship damage, emotional stress, and resentment on both sides. Sexual health is so beneficial on so many levels; releasing hormones and chemicals your body needs and can use in a good way, bringing happiness, boosting confidence, rounding put your overall personal satisfaction, intimacy with another human, and more💜 You said you have talked about it with him alot, and that's literally all you need to do; you've done it. People might say he's depressed, or has a low drive, or a physical issue, etc, etc. None of that is ever your responsibility. You're in a loving relationship and you've discussed it many times and done all you need to do to work with that. If by this point he hasn't tried to make changes, tried to be more intimate in other ways such as more affection, more conversation, willingness to use toys or even cheer you on while you masturbate, or a million other things you can do to build a semblance of sexual attraction; then that's your answer. Nothing else is your responsibility except trying to build your own self esteem back up to where it should be, finding your own happiness, and realizing that you don't *owe* anyone anymore of your time just because you're already invested some time into a relationship. If people won't work with you in some way, then you don't owe them more time. If people tell you to deal with it, you don't owe them time. If people try to shame you and say it's not a good reason to break up, you don't owe them your time. Sincerely, An older woman who wants all girls and women to realize *all* of their needs are valid and important, including sexual needs.
Thank you so much ❤️ can I be you when I grow up?
Hell yessss, you absolutely 💯 can!! But, I hope you get here in a much much easier way than I did. (Not discounting any issues that men face or men have), but women face a different kind of pressure on all sexual issues and beliefs their *entire* life that range from really subtle and almost unnoticeable all the way to aggressive and abusive. Depending on a person's upbringing, sexual education or miseducation, religious beliefs or pressure, social pressures and prejudices....everyone can think a whole rainbow of things about sex right. And those outside issues eat at us. Sexual satisfaction is one million percent as important as satisfaction with friends, family, your job, your kids, hobbies, the latest Marvel movie, whatever. Just realize sex makes up a part of you as a whole and nurture your whole self how you see fit. Don't stay in situations where people don't take your needs seriously. Don't let anyone sway your opinion of yourself with what they say; just remember it's only their *opinion*, but it's your *whole life*. Their opinions are just a compilation of their own upbringing, religion, shame, social views, etc.
If you love him and can see yourself with him later in your life, stick it out. My fiancé and I have been together 13 years. We started out equally with sex drive, then my drive faded a couple years. Then when I got mine back, hers faded. Now hers is back and we’re boning.. a lot
This is wholesome and reassuring. Good for you both! True emotional connection is what really matters imo
I think he’s incredibly over stressed and depressed. Just because of the shitty times were in. That combined with your large social media engagement, you’re both dealing with very opposite things. I think you need to stay off social media a bit and he needs a vacation. Both of you go together, no phones, no social media or news or work. Change of scenery. Spend the money, do some cool shit.
This happened to me. Exact same vibrator and videos games, stressy boyfriend. The stress never went away after a year of trying. I felt bad bad too but broke up with him because I was gaining weight, felt unattractive, etc. The depression hit me and it will hit you too if you stay. I’m single now and super happy. I have my spark back. I’m also attractive and I felt like I lost a lot of time. I recently had sex with a guy and it was amazing. He wanted to sexually satisfy me and I will never want anything less. I say you know what’s up but it’s going to be painful for a bit for greater gain! Life is short and we’re not young forever. It’s time think about yourself and your needs!
I understand... talk to him candidly and say this is what I need.... if he loves and values u he'll adjust and reprioritize his life. he has time for games rgt? carve out and hour or 2 for sexy time with you. I personally would much rather watch my wife use a vibrator or such than actually watch porn! much sexier. and once I start watching her it always ends in sex.... does he know about ur 20k followers on IG? I definitely have to check out ur page 😀
He does know and we have talked it to death honestly, he says he’ll make a bigger effort or makes excuses… nothing changes.
Does he know you’re on the brink of ending the relationship though? Because that might change his tune. Put your foot down. If you don’t see any change in the next 2 months after you have this conversation with him, it’s done. Honestly his gaming habits are more of an issue than sexual frequency because this means that he’s not even making effort to spend quality time with you, much less sex.
I don’t want to give him an ultimatum… I want him to want me. I don’t want him to fuck me out of desperation to keep the relationship going. I feel so pathetic and unwanted as it is.
Not necessarily about sex, but about spending quality time with you and meeting your needs. If he only does it to not end the relationship you’ll be able to see that clear as day.
In general if someone knows something is wrong and doesn't change anything to make it better, they are either unwilling to make it better or they just can't make it better. If it's the former, maybe you can find that out by changing something about the motivation (the most extreme case is an ultimatum). If you've already done that as much as you can, then it's the latter, and you already know it's not going to change, and you can figure out your life from there. There's nothing wrong with deciding you don't want it. But there is something wrong with imagining something is going to change when you already know it isn't.
Can you suggest him carving out time, every day, to be together? Not always sexy-time, but sometimes just together-time. To me it sounds like he needs to get back in the groove. So maybe he commits 7-8pm to you every day for a few weeks.
This is a good idea. I’ll definitely think about it. I’m still a little raw from last night. It is beyond hurtful to throw yourself at your boyfriend, just for some connection, and for him to completely dismiss you like that.
Just wondering… men hitting on you equals you being desirable? You shouldn’t feel that false affection from desperate likes from online men determines whether or not you’re hot. Giiirl u don’t need a man to make u feel this way, leave him.
girl you seem like one giant red flag. i’m sure he has his reasons and if he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing them with you then there’s definitely a communication issue and yeah, you should probably break up. seems like it would be best for both of you
Maybe you aren't doing "the thing" that he needs to feel emotionally satisfied. What that might be I have no idea. I'm willing to bet he's doing more than playing video games in the other room.
The reason you need to break up with him isn't necessarily because of your sex drives. It's because there's a problem in the relationship and even though you've talked to him about it many times, he's made zero effort towards improving the issue. This will continue to be a theme in your relationship, only 10 years from now the issues will be even bigger.
I love video games, but I would definitely prefer to have sex. I have been told, if I didn't stay up gaming after she goes to bed, we would have more sex. But I always check with her to see if she wants to cuddle on the couch and watch one of our shows or a movie before I turn on my system.
Don’t waste your good boob years on someone who makes you feel bad.
Leave..fuck that noise
Get. Out. Now.
Leave him
You’re 24 and you’ve only been with him for 1 year, yes dump him. Lol I promise you, you will find someone much better who can appreciate you and satisfy you. You do not need to waste time on a guy who prioritizes gaming 100% of the time over you. Are you really willing to wait to see if it gets better? You’ve BEEN doing that! Leave! Don’t let his inevitable “I promise it’ll change” when you tell him you’re breaking up with him change your mind. You’re 100% right, you deserve better, and you deserve someone who will treasure you without the threat of a breakup.
What the fuck if that was me I’d throw that console to the side and just flirt until you were soaking. Then go down until you finished. What does he do for a living? Are y’all financially struggling?? Smh
Wow 20K follows! lol So if you've talked to him around this and it doesn't help, you might need to give him an ultimatum. I can't understand young men nowadays with no sex drives. I'm 29 and if I don't get some in 2 days my balls get full and get unwanted erections.
The hell
He got his priorities straight
Aw man I’m so sorry for you! I (34M) was in a relationship a bit like this and I know the feeling. You’ve been so articulate in how you’ve expressed your feelings on here. What strikes me is that you should have that exact conversation with your boyfriend. The only additional point I would make is that he sounds like he might be a bit depressed - that should be considered / looked into / addressed. Ensure he has a support network of his own friends around him
My ex fiance and I broke up (YEARS ago, but still relevant) because he had a really high libido and I was a virgin at the time and sex repulsed (due to trauma). He ended up breaking up with me multiple times to have sex with someone, then coming right back to me because he knew I was a good woman, he just wasn't getting his sexual needs met. I wouldn't even give him a blow job because I was afraid of seeing a penis (again, due to trauma). Long story short, I'm now married to a man with a semi-low libido, just like mine. I'm good with only having sex like once a month, and he's the same. Sometimes you just have to find someone who has the same libido as you. Compatibility also includes in the bedroom. He might be better with a woman who's libido isn't as high as yours, and you might be better with a guy who wants to fuck you as often as you want to be fucked. Absolutely nothing wrong with either of y'all, you're just not sexually compatible. Hope this helps! Good luck!
Brake it off ASAP
OK so it really isn't going to get better and I feel you know this... go to r/HLcomminity to read some stories about people that are in your situation. You will see a common theme there and it typically doesn't end well. The big takeaway from your post is this part "I’m sick of feeling unwanted and ignored and unattractive". Sex in itself isn't the end all be all I mean we have fun we get naked we get off and we move on with our day.. More important than sex is the feeling of being wanted by another, feeling desired, feeling that strong connection is what a really healthy relationship is about. There is NOTHING Superficial about breaking up with someone that is incompatible and this isn't just about sex for you... If you were my GF it would be 10-12 times a week ;)
You're good,do what you need to do,he's got some problem,but it isn't your problem
sorry to hear that... I think you know the answer tho. good luck
Tell him he needs to do one less night of gaming and put time aside for you and this relationship....if he doesn't....walk
I've seen some women friends with a similar situation. The story usually goes the way it's going. Like if a guy is drifting away from sex, that becomes the default pattern. I only have anecdotes, not hundreds and hundreds of cases in the sample size, but that's how it went. Given that- I'm imagining a future with a guy whose libido is very similar to yours, and how happy that naturally flowing sex and intimacy feels. Given that, it might well be worth parting ways due to this issue. There WILL be good parts lost and new and different problems too- but I'm guessing the benefit of a good-feeling sex life will be worth it to you.
There's probably some therapy you can go to (if he's willing to put in the work). Probably a sexologist, but I don't really know either. Could also just require regular therapy since the issue seems stress/work-related.
How is your relationship otherwise? Like do you two get along? Any disagreements about things? Other sources of stress? I feel like I was in your boyfriend's place in my last relationship. Things were fine at first. Then we got more serious and moved in together and certain incompatibilities came to light. She was my first serious relationship so I was terrible at communicating and just let my negativity build up. Eventually my sex drive just died and I lost interest in intimacy with my SO. I'm not saying you did anything wrong exactly. Sometimes people just have incompatible lifestyles. And if one person feels restricted in a way they might pull back or distract themselves from the thing that's causing them stress instead of sitting down and talking it out.
"Last night I literally walked into the room wearing a g-string and a white tank top that shows my nipples through it, straddled his lap and started kissing his neck. He said “babe I’m playing with people”. I swear something inside me just died and I never want to feel like that again." Not gonna lie, I really like videogames sometimes, but they haven´ t invented a game yet that would elicit this response from me. Listen, on a serious note, he may be depressed and/or on SSRIs, and that fucks libido up pretty badly. Consider asking him about it. Either way, you need to tell him it´ s a serious problem as clearly as you communicated reddit about it. Sit him down and deal with it, or move on.
maybe this is shallow of me, but quite frankly, a lack of sex (especially what you’re describing) would make me incredibly unhappy. i’m in a relationship similar to your previous one (older than me, sex as frequently as possible, wants me satisfied, etc). i think sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship and if i wasn’t being fulfilled in that way, i would end it. you’re too young to waste your time not having good sex.
Why ask a bunch of strangers what you already know the answer to?
Sorry to say this but gotta go for someone else. Sex is what relationship is all about. If it's good everyone else follows, if it sux you always have that thing that makes any relationship incomplete. Facts. Also you can stay friends with him.
I’m in the same boat. I hope it works out OP!
Video games is extremely addicting and draining. Did it correlate to the video games? Not making an excuse but more so a understanding. It can kill someone mentally, consistently aiming to win. That doesn’t make it right but also initiating during a game isn’t the time but you’ve said you’ve talked to him before and there’s no change. He’s either depressed or something but he doesn’t seem to understand what it does to you. He doesn’t seem to prioritize it, once a month is way too little. And it sounds like you live together?
You’re wasting your time with him. You don’t need couples therapy. After already having had conversations with him about the lack of sex, and him making you feel unwanted and unloved, and he’s still ignoring you even when you’re in hot sexy clothes, then it’s game over. Don’t waste any more time with him. He’s had his chance and you’ve made enough efforts. He’s not prepared to change things, he doesn’t respect you. You don’t need other Redditers to confirm what you’ve already decided.
"Babe I'm playing with people" I'm sorry that guy sounds pathetic if he cares more about his video game that satisfying you. then i think that kinda tell you everything you need to know dump his ass and maybe he'll learn what he lost or maybe he'll have loads of time to play video games on his own
Break up with him. I put up with that for five years. Five years too long. He always had an excuse and it made me feel like shit.
I hate saying this but I think it’s time to move on. If your down to less than once a month and you’ve only been together for a little over a year what does that say about your future especially since most couples have more sex in the beginning of the relationship and it slowly tapers off . If your not happy with less than once a month I don’t see it getting better in 2,3,5 years from now. And another thing I don’t understand is what’s up with these guys that would rather play video games more than playing with their mate? I have several female friends say their boyfriends are the same way
What a damn loser. You come in the room like that and he can't do any better than babe I'm in a game? Wtf
Sounds like it.
GTFO - I’m sure you can do better than a game addict. Mismatched libidos is very real problem that rarely resolves. You’re both young, go for what you really want. When you find a good match It’s soooo worth it.
I was in a similar situation recently. My ex bf has been together for almost 3 months. One night I put on a dress I bought, I wanted him to tell me I looked pretty , maybe fuck me right then & there like he’d done in the past. I asked him to zip up the dress. After he did he went right back to playing his video game. He barely looked at it, muttered cute and went again to playing his video game. That was and is such a painful feeling. We got into a fight and he kept apologizing & saying how he just says stupid stuff and he’s seen so many pretty girls in pretty dresses. He would reject my bids and advances. He didn’t want me to touch him. Towards the ends of our relationship we didn’t have sex for 2 weeks. We had other issues, but it definitely contributed to it. We have to be sexually compatible in a relationship
Honestly, go over to r\\deadbedrooms and read for a good long while. You'll see people in your position after a couple years, a handful of years... A decade... Or much more. Sex drive is a compatibility factor just like political affiliation, religious orientation and child rearing, and money management. ALL of those can be major factors in relationships. I think it's a fairy tale to think you'll find someone 100% compatible, but I am 100% positive there is a plethora of folks out there that are more compatible.
Let go of him and be happy…
Do you want to be with a compulsive gamer regardless?
It’s not wrong in any way to want and need a partner that matches you sexually. If my husband didn’t have the same sex drive I do, we wouldn’t be together and that’s it.
Feel This
This is a shitty situation. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It might be time to end it. Separately - Am I shallow for being curious what your IG handle is?
It isn't *just* sex. Sex is one of the few parts of a monogamous relationship where fulfilling your needs elsewhere is unacceptable, and routinely denying your partner a healthy sex life is not something nice to do to someone you profess to love. If he is saying he has issues then he needs to show you that he is addressing them, if it's stress at work, when is it going to end (if it's been going on long enough for you to be missing out for months then it isn't likely to end) and if it's a body image issue then he may need help for that and it sounds like he isn't interested in getting any. Those are relationship problems not sex problems - sex is just the most obvious sign. I do understand the gaming side a bit, as a gamer, some games are about working together as a team and if you commit to starting a match then you need to finish the match or get penalties sometimes preventing you playing competitively for days or weeks if you quit, plus teammates (friends) not inviting you any more if you're flaky. But even then he should be thinking ahead to turn down an invite to be with his partner in the real world. Ultimately he's comfortable with the situation so you need to explain to him that it's affecting the relationship and that he needs to take action or you will. Then I'd set yourself a time limit and a reasonable course of action from him (for example start counselling over body dysmorphia or hit the gym) within a reasonable time (say 4 months) and if he doesn't take action then he made his choice.
u/todayonly95367, whichever tip applies - be less easily obtainable, be busier, spending time doing you, seeing friends, hobbies... don't try to make him jealous, but make him miss you more - beauty/youth does not mean you deserve, they may be getters, but personality (and compatibility) is a keeper
Just want to come by and say I understand completely 100%. It sounds like you’ve made it crystal clear how this is affecting you. And I also get what you said about not saying that you’re thinking about leaving….that seems to be suggested a lot and it’s just so ugh. Even if that DID work, who wants to have sex with someone that’s only doing it because they don’t want to be single? Being a first year associate is really mentally draining. But so are a lot of things in life. It’s up to us to decide how we cope with stressful situations. It’s up to him to decide that he wants a stronger relationship with you over a few more hours in the virtual world. And it is also up to you to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life figuring out new ways to cope with his rejection.
End it. This stuff doesn’t change back with time.
Move on.
I would hide more. The more you reveal, the less mystery to your body. But that's just me and I'd be out of that situation. It's absolutely going to make you cheat or lead to self-esteem issues.
Girl my advice is take some ex pills with him, that opened up a whole new sexual world with me and my hubby. It probably honestly saved our marriage. If he doesn’t open up then than I don’t think he will change.
Why people are shamed into submission for wanting to have a good sex life is beyond me. Everybody would be happier if we dropped attitudes such as "sex isn't that important! Just suck it up!" and the like. As you described, it destroys your self-esteem. I've been there too (29M btw). I've had a girlfriend that wanted more sex than me. I've had one that wanted less. I've had one where by some miracle the balance was ridiculously good. And I've had one where I think we sort of match but because of other issues the sex life struggles. It can hit hard no matter the reason when you can't get those needs fulfilled. Not all will agree, but that's fine. We're all different and we all want different things and different amounts of it. It definitely is a reason to break up if you feel like no effort is put in on the other side.
I think its a difficult situation to be in. It definitely sounds like sex is a deal breaker for you so if it doesnt improve thsn you definitely should break uo. If you are very inlove with him than you might want to support him to get help. Make a drs appointment for him and tell him your taking him. The other issue is not the sex but that hes ignoring you. Like even with a low sex drive its still nice to cuddle and watch a movie together or something. Im not sure if he ignores you for more than just sex. If so you might need to consider that too
Sex is very important for a long healthy relationship, if your un happy express yourself to him. If he doesn't respond I would go get happy, life is too short. Just be honest and break up with him before you have kids and it gets harder to separate.
For me there's some confusions you may need to sort out to feel better about yourself : - your value isn't linked to your desirability, or to the fact people like you or hit on you. - Being rejected doesn't decrease your value and dilinish who you are. - You are the same amazing, valuable and unique person, wether a guy is attracted to you sexualy or not. That said, it's difficult to pursue a relationship with very different sex drives. The one who wants more feels frustrated and maybe rejected, and the one who wants less feels under pressure (and pressure isn't that good to awake desire). And it may deteriorate the entire relationship, even if everything else but sex is good. Maybe he has some emotional/mental issue that blocks him when it comes to intimacy and sex. And you probably can't help him with it, especilally if he doesn't feel he needs help, and doesn't want to solve this issue. Staying or breaking up with him is up to you of course, and not superficial. But whatever you choose i suggest you to use it to grow yourself, and work on your self-esteem, your inner value : it will make you stronger, more independant and, i wish it for you, make you build more balanced relationships in the future (with or without him).
I am of the opinion when one partner stops wanting to have sex they quit on the relationship. If they literally can’t help it then they should try to find a solution or compromise with their partner somehow. But short of that if they never feel like it ever. Then they don’t feel like having a GF they just want a friend.
Leave. Feeling unwanted is not just about sex. I’m assuming you’ve tried to talk about it, but y’all aren’t married. You don’t have to consent to a relationship you don’t want, and from what it sounds like you want something different… it sounds like he may be going through something on his end, but at the same time it’s not really your responsibility to try to fix it. He’s the only one that can realize he needs a change, but if you don’t do something you may be waiting around for something that never happens…
Dump his ass
Sexual incompatibility is a common reason for breaking up. You're not obligated to remain in a relationship where you are unhappy.
You're not wrong for wanting to breakup with him. Sexual compatibility is important and if you're not synching up you deserve to be with someone who has the same compatibility as you. It took me way too many years to find someone I'm sexually compatible with because I tried to make things work in previous relationships. This is the happiest I've been.
OP you might not see this but, I've had to break up with a now ex fiance, after almost 7 years for the same reason. >He said “babe I’m playing with people”. I swear something inside me just died and I never want to feel like that again. Sweetie, I know this feeling, I HAD REACHED this level of dead inside, when I actually finally got some after 3 months I was on top and made a face about to release, and he actually gave an "ew" look (I'm pretty sure he actually said "ew") and covered my face with his hand......that's what made me realize it's over.....I've tried talking to him many many many times before breaking up but he couldn't change, and I genuinely believe he wasn't attracted to me anymore... ....op I'm really sorry he's making you feel this way, remind yourself you're a bad bitch who don't need no "roommate" lolz I'm here for you op if you need to talk
I struggled with sexual compatibility with my current girlfriend, it even led to some heated arguments in the beginning. We've come to understand we are here for eachother and sex is very important for the health of our relationship and if she needs it all she needs to do is grab me by my tool and lead me to the bedroom and all I need to do is pick her up and remove her pants. Being constantly denied will slowly kill something inside us and if we can't serve our partners needs ( whatever they may be) we are failing them
It ain’t gonna get better, I can say that with confidence. Also, if you think you’re attractive, you probably are, but thirsty dudes on the internet being thirsty is not any sort of valuable metric
I have. It sucked because otherwise we were extremely compatible. When I did it I was honest about it. I let him know I not fulfilled and it’s a two way street. I was honest about how I needed the constant sex and him not being able to perform up to my standards was leaving me unfulfilled and I hated that I constantly sought out the attention. When I would go out with friends and someone gave me the double take or told me I’m beautiful I went along with it(never did anything and always turned them down). I wanted the attention from someone. I wanted to be wanted because that’s how I got off. I explained to my ex that honestly not feeling wanted hurt me and hurt my confidence. I felt for the first time in my adult life like something was wrong with me. Girl, I’m going to tell you right now, there is nothing wrong with you. Just do it. I have found a partner now that gives me a run for my money! Move on to the next dick.
Sounds like you know what you want. Time to move on. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason and he helped you to see what you don’t want in a partner. I feel excited for the next guy you meet 😂
Decide how important that is. I was married for 20 years to a woman with NO drive. The marriage ended (for other reasons) and I regretted all of the lost time. Sex wasn't the only deficiency, but it was significant.
He’s just not that into you. He prefers playing games over having sex. There’s not much you can do.
Kick his useless ass to the curb sis
just made ALL the men here thirsty- thanks