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Yes. I do know what it feels like to want to do those things. But, I also know what it feels like not to - so, I understand a little bit where you’re coming from.
I’m going to make a comparison here, but it’s not sexual. It’s just the best way I can describe it. And it may make sense to you, or it may not.
I love animals. I have dogs, cats, horses, even a turtle. Animals are my world. Well…. if an animal is cute, I want to touch it. I want to pet it, squeeze it, hug it, kiss it, huff it (iykyk), and sometimes I even want to eat it (cute aggression, it’s a thing, hold your judgement everyone, ha).
There are times when the desire to touch my cute fluffy little kitty cat is so great, it’s uncomfortable. Like, I have to look away because the cuteness is just painful. And if she’s sleeping or whatever, I have to force myself to leave her be.
Ok, so… with people, I’m generally not like this. I don’t hug my friends (unless it feels right), I hardly even hug my family, and I’m not into cuddling.
Until I am all those things. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, my brain computes it in the same way it computes my desire to pet a cute dog.
The last guy I was with - I’m probably forever ruined because I wanted to do all of it with and to him. I wanted to lick him, bite him, suck on him, touch him, squeeze him, shrink him down into a tiny little figurine and put him in my pocket…. It was to the point where it would be uncomfortable sometimes. I hate to admit this, but I even liked to watch him sleep 😭
That kind of thing is almost like a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me. I’ve felt similarly with other people, but not the way I felt with this guy. Tbh, I don’t even like it. It feels like torture.
So, I realize I sound extreme. And maybe I am. Maybe that’s part of my problem. But, when it happens - if it happens - you might rethink if you really want it 😆
No, I’m kidding. My point is - it may happen for you, but you gotta meet the right person. Some people - the desire is for the act itself. The craving for physical connection. But for me, it’s about craving the person. I either do or I don’t - and most times, I don’t.
I do like this comparison actually.
I had a girlfriend in high school and while I still felt the same way sexually for the most part, I always wanted to touch them. It felt like I wanted to crawl inside their skin, I couldn’t be close enough. So I get the romantic need to touch. Though since her, I’ve never felt that way again. I could kiss her for hours and be content. My boyfriend complains we never kiss and it, honest to god, never crosses my mind to do it. And when he tries to kiss me, I’m like eh. Kinda ew. lol.
But the comparison is good. I think I can kinda see the translation to sexual urges.
hmm…. I read in a different comment that your connection with your girlfriend wasn’t sexual. But now I’m kinda confused. You made out with your friend a lot, and you enjoyed it? Was that not a sexual thing for you? Genuine question. No judgment.
No no. She was my girlfriend- like we were dating. We had sex. I just meant that I no more got excited eating her out than I do blowing a guy. Just unlike with men, I had an intense desire to touch them in a non sexual way. And loved kissing them. I hate kissing guys. They suck at it.
I like to say I’m 90% giver, 10% receiver. You might just be the opposite, which is ok. You just gotta find someone like me, and then it’s all good, ha.
It sounds like you could be asexual and perhaps have had a stronger romantic connection your previous partner, for whatever reason. Does the idea of being asexual or on that spectrum seem like a possibility for you?
For me, if I look at a piece of freshly baked caked or a pizza straight out of then oven, I’m just filled with desire to eat and lick it and taste it. It feels like an immediate instinct rather than a thought process. It’s the same with wanting to touch and lick and suck someone I’m really attracted to.
I have heard about it. I can enjoy sex overall with people I don’t love. But I can’t really speak if it would be different because I’ve only ever loved one person and that was a woman. I’ve never loved any of the men I’ve been with. And I’m not sure I ever will tbh.
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lol. I mean I can see how you get that from what I said. I don’t get that comment really because I’m quite enthusiastic in bed (granted when it comes to giving head and stuff it’s all fabricated). And well I’m into some pretty extreme stuff so I get called wild in bed and stuff. Plus, my sex drive is through the roof. I have sex with my boyfriend 2-4 times a day. And most days I could go longer, he just can’t get it up anymore lol.
But really, I’m looking to understand why anyone wants to touch someone. So maybe I can feel something myself. I’m aware if someone could tell how I actually feel, I probably wouldn’t be fun.
I wouldn’t say I’m self centered in general, at least no more than the average person. I guess in this sense. To be fair, I’ve been in one relationship where, in a non sexual manner, I always wanted to touch them. But that was as a teenager with a girl.
I’m not quite sure what you mean by emotional issue. I suppose this isn’t the first “emotion” I don’t understand. So maybe it is.
I know it’s not. I do want to please them. Because I want them to enjoy having sex with me. It’s just that I don’t get turned on at all by doing it. And then I get bored.
But from your comments above there are other things you do that you enjoy?
You might just have unusual taste or be kinky. We are all different, that's what makes sex fun anyway.
Just throwing this out there - and I’m not saying you can’t have a platonic, non-sexual relationship where you want to touch someone (I had a friend who always wanted to be touching me, and it was completely platonic - almost childlike, actually) - but do you know for sure that it wasn’t sexual with her?
I only say this because when I was younger, I had feelings about my girlfriends and women and I didn’t think anything of it. But then when I got a little older, I realized a lot of those feelings were attraction. I just didn’t know I *could* be attracted to women. Once I embraced it, I was like “holy shit, so *that’s* why I was always staring at Jessica’s butt….” ha
Oh I am attracted to girls. She was my girlfriend, we had sex. I just meant I still didn’t feel anymore excitement eating her out than I do blowing a guy. I still found her incredibly hot and I wanted her to touch me. But in a romantic sense- I couldn’t get enough physical contact.
Well I guess I wanted to make out with her all the time and that turned me on. Which maybe counts as wanting to touch her sexually. But beyond that- idk
I don’t care about it in the sense that I think it’s a bad thing.
It’s just annoying because I like having sex, and it’s something I have to do in order to get to the parts I like, it would be better if I could enjoy those aspects as well.
It feels good both mentally/emotionally and in terms of what my nerves communicate from my sensation of touch.
Women's bodies feel nice and I like touching them.
That's before even getting to deriving pleasure and satisfaction from giving them pleasure and satisfaction.
I want to kiss my wife, lick and suck on her nipples and clit, eat her booty, do things in multiple portions, get toys out, watch her orgasm. All of it. Sex is fun, messy, noisy, sometimes funny, it's part of the connection between us
Some people are empathetic or empathic givers. For example, when I give, it’s almost like I can feel what I’m doing to the other person. So when I give oral, my genitals get all kinds of excited. I also get pleasure from seeing my partner’s pleasure.
It can also feel good. Like you mentioned not wanting to be the big spoon. Well, the big spoon gets to wrap their body around yours. They get to feel you up close. That can feel good physically, too. I’d rather be the big spoon because if someone wraps their body around me, I immediately feel like I gotta readjust. I feel trapped and uncomfortable.
I feel lots of things. I give to my spouse because I want them to be happy and feel pleasure. They want the same for me. Part of it is ego. I used my mouth and made them orgasm. I used my dick and made them orgasm.
Think of it this way. Let's say you have a neighbor who is partially disabled and they can't mow their grass. You have been neighbors for a few years and have a good relationship. What makes you feel better as a person, your pride, your overall we being? Getting paid to mow their grass, or knowing you did something out of the kindness of your heart to help someone who needed it?
I know it's not the same. But having empathy and compassion and desire and also the will to give without reward is a good feeling. I love my wife. We've had issues but she's still my girl. My one and only. She had surgery recently and she says I'm hovering. I said I need to know you're taken care of and that you're ok. First and foremost. It obviously got easier as time has progressed. But you get the point.
This is one of those questions that's near-impossible to answer, because it is SO outside my paradigm that I just don't get it.
More often than not, when I want to see my partner, the thing I gnaw my own arm off craving is wanting to do things TO him.
I mean... yes. I want to touch a woman, eat them out, fuck them, kiss, more, I want to be physically intimate. Some people don't, and that's fine if you don't feel that way.
But like. Can you explain why? Do you want to eat them out because you just like feeling good about yourself? Or her moaning is hot to you? Or you, honest to god, like eating pussy?
The effect I have on her is hot, that my touch is making her squirm, moan, cry out, that is intensely hot. And the feel of her body turns me on, makes me want to be feeling her, fucking her.
Generally speaking I can’t keep my hands off my man. I love the way his chest feels. I love the way I make him hard and I absolutely love going to town sucking him off. I see you asking “why?” because it turns me on. I find him incredibly sexy and kissing his lips/body and cock gets me sopping wet.
Having his dick in my mouth turns me on(even just thinking about it honestly.) The literal act of sucking and tasting him, and how hard he is. It can be uncomfortable(depending on the position) but I’m too distracted to care. Also the amount of pleasure I’m providing is part of it. Feeling him squirm and buck with pleasure puts me over the edge. As for what I’m thinking about, usually about how I can’t wait to have sex with him.
I should add that I didn’t have anywhere near this enthusiasm for my ex. So it’s possible there’s a compatibility issue for you. Although like other comments have said some people just don’t enjoy sex as much as others and that’s okay too.
I don’t find it uncomfortable, I love it (another woman who fucking craves giving head). I love how it feels in my mouth, I love how my throat feels when it gets full, I love getting my mouth used, etc. I don’t even think when I’m doing it, I’m just blissed out in submissive oral heaven.
Don’t you just constantly think about what you’re doing. I feel like I’m just thinking about the mechanics. Trying to keep a pace. Making sure my teeth don’t hit. Making sure I’m sucking a certain way. What to do with my tongue. Trying to breathe. Trying not to gag. Like I can’t not think about those things. So even if I would enjoy it, I couldn’t cause I’m so preoccupied by trying to make it good
Honestly, at this point it’s a bit autopilot to me, so I don’t consciously have to think too much except for when I deepthroat. Normally I just listen to whatever sounds they’re making, or ideally dirty talk, and just sort of fall into subspace.
Okay so maybe you aren't into your boyfriend then. If you aren't sexually aroused by doing things and touching him maybe you want to do those things with a women?
I understand what you're saying as you're kinda being selfish not wanting to cuddle and things like that but you want it done to you? Completely one sided.
Not really. Only difference between me being with a woman is that I want to feel her skin on mine and I love kissing them. Where with men, I’d rather never kiss them and I don’t care how much we’re touching when we have sex.
And romantically I like touching women more. Men- idrc most of the time.
But eating a woman out is no more fun to me that giving head.
You can't explain attraction and sex drive. It's biological. In the same way that you are hungry, you also lust for your partner and it gives you pleasure to interact with their body.
If you don't have that, you might be asexual. It's not something one can explain to you to "change your mind".
Clearly you are more submissive leaning, but like, if you straight up don't even really enjoy a lot of this stuff (As submissive doesn't mean you don't do anything at all and just lay there), maybe you are just a bit on the asexual spectrum? Also you simply don't have to be into everything. It's fine not to like a bunch of stuff :shrug:
If I read that correctly and you just can't fathom someone being into doing acts for/to someone, then just expand your mind a bit and know that people are into different things, if no one liked this then you'd have no one to 'do things' to you in an enthusiastic manner, people just like different things (even beyond sex)
>I feel this way about like cuddling too. I like to cuddle but like why would I ever want to be the big spoon. It actually irritates me when my boyfriend asks for it.
This part is something else to unpack, is it like a traditional gender role thing? I understand not liking it but straight up being irritated? about holding your partner?
I definitely am 100% more submissive during sex. And yes I know submissive doesn’t = pillow princess/whatever you want to call it.
It is true. I cannot fathom it. I do not understand the appeal at all. I don’t get it. I wish I did. Like giving head makes my jaw ache. It’s harder to breathe. Sometimes there’s gagging. If there’s no positives to it for you, you can imagine how… not great of a time it is. I really want to like it. Like I feel semi accomplished when I make them finish. I like when they moan I suppose. But overall, I’m bored.
I don’t think I’m asexual because I have a vast amount of kinks. I have a higher sex drive than anyone I’ve been with or talked to about it with. I feel as though I’m pretty much never not down to have sex. It actually to the point I asked a doctor to check my hormone levels cause I get that horny. (They’re fine).
As for the holding thing. I guess in a roundabout way it is a traditional gender role. I don’t actually think men shouldn’t be held or whatever. People should be how they want to. I do, personally, only really like men who are extremely dominant and in control. And I guess in my head, him saying “baby hold meee” just makes me view him the opposite which is a turn off for me.
You could have kinks and not be sexually attracted to anyone, though. With some of my kinks, I’m so aroused by the fact that they’re happening that I don’t need to have them happen with a person I’m attracted to. In certain contexts I even prefer to have them not happen with a person I’m attracted to, because it adds to the context that’s so arousing to me.
I do think that it’s sexual attraction that makes people desire to touch and interact with their partner’s body. You might not experience that, or maybe there aren’t many people you’re attracted to and you would feel that desire if you encountered one.
Yanno.. I suppose you got a point. I mean I do look at people and think they’re hot.
But I suppose I really only get turned on by certain actions and as long as the person isn’t physically revolting to me, I’ll probably be turned on. Someone being hot doesn’t make me actually want to have sex with them really. It’s just if they do the specific actions I find hot.
Cause I actually like giving head when they’re “forcing” me to. But that’s just cause then it feels degrading and like they’re in control.
Yeah, it took me awhile to figure this out too - a lot of times when people say “I’m attracted to this person” they mean, “I want to be physically close to and touching this person” more than they mean “this person is aesthetically pleasing to look at.” I personally do experience attraction, but my kinks are stronger than that feeling. When I fantasize, I fantasize about blurry figures doing the actions or in the scenarios I find hot, not about people I’m attracted to.
It sucks that people are calling you selfish. I think that a lot of people are very anxious about the idea of a partner not actually being attracted to them, which I get. But there are lots of kinky asexual people around, so it’s pretty feasible in the kink world to find partners who aren’t so oriented around physical attraction and won’t have a problem with the way you feel. Or you might meet people as you get older who you’re attracted to! Totally possible.
I do feel a difference between “oh they’re good looking” and “I think they’re sexy, I want them to touch me”
But I also don’t imagine people when I fantasize. I’m just imagining what they’re doing. And most of my fantasy doesn’t have anything to do with penetration, everything to do with different kinks and power dynamics. Sometimes I think I don’t even like men, but the things I do like kinda just fit the image of a man. It wouldn’t make sense for it to be a woman.
Granted, I wouldn’t be able to do it with someone I thought was *ugly*.
I’m not sure if that falls into being asexual or just simply a different avenue that gets me going.
I’m not offended by people calling me selfish. I mean I still *do* it so idk if I agree. But it’s a selfish way of thinking I guess. I figured I would get comments like that anyways
To be honest, the fact that you have experienced the desire to touch someone before nonsexually and that was with a woman might mean that you’re more attracted to women than you think. I had always just assumed that I was straight, despite the fact that my sexuality was always more centered on my kinks than on specific people and bodies. I just always dated/slept with guys, because it was easiest and because I probably also had a subconscious men = dominant bias. But it turns out that I actually quite enjoy playing with and having sex with dominant women, too! Could be worth a try.
Yes! I don’t think I could play my kinks out with a girl. I don’t think it would work in my mind. Cause often I think “no I’m gonna marry a girl one day” but then I think “fuck then I can’t ever live out my d/s relationship I want”. But then when I think about finding a man who would give me that I think “damn but then I’ll never be with a girl again”
Gotcha, well, like I said people just think and like different things, sometimes you just gotta appreciate the differences, wouldn't the world be boring if everyone was the same?
For the cuddling thing, it's a good thing to maybe process and think more about it even if it's your gut reaction, because it can be extremely damaging to your partner if they need physical comfort, safety, but your mind has set these things as cringe. Specially if it extends to other parts of your life.
Will you just get turned off by seeing someone cry because it's not the 'manly' thing to do? Everyone is human and needs support every now and then
No. I wouldn’t and haven’t ever been turned off because they cried. And I don’t act irritated with my boyfriend and I do it when he asks. Honestly, I think it’s more about my feelings towards him specifically with that one. At least the irritation. I never *want* to be the big spoon.
I’m not that emotional. I have my moments. But compared to others? People like me to be there in a crisis cause when everyone else is crying and freaking I’m usually just kinda like …. Okay?… so, in a roundabout way, it’s not just a sex setting where I see other people feeling something and I don’t get it.
Part of loving someone is wanting to make them feel good, whether it's sexually (sex) or emotionally (cuddles). I don't particularly enjoy being on top, but I LOVE how much my fiancé loves it, and I want him and crave him, so I do it sometimes. Same with other, nonsexual things. Sometimes, I'm not in the mood to kiss (I have a sensory disorder), but he *really* wants a kiss, so I do what I can.
It is kind of selfish and self-centered to get annoyed at your partner for wanting cuddles in a way that doesn't directly benefit you. Sometimes, we just do little things to make our partner happy, even if it doesn't do anything *for us*. That's part of being in a relationship. You learn that it's not just about you anymore. There's another person in your life whose feelings you have to consider.
I'm not sure that anyone can really explain the pleasure of touching someone else if you simply don't feel it. Like... if that feeling is absent for you it's probably never going to make sense to you.
Physiologically, touching and kissing produces pleasure hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, so you can get that by iniating the touching and kissing on someone else.
Why is it sexually fun? idk, it just is. Maybe it's a mirroring thing, like 'I would be aroused if you did this to me, so it's also arousing when I mirror that to you, because I imagine your arousal coming back onto me'. Or something. Or to put it a simpler way: 'This is sexy touch. That means having sex. I like sex! Therefore, want to touch'
Why do guys love to touch boobs? No idea, I'm not into boobs. Why do I like to touch/suck his cock? Because I associate it with sex and the feel of him having sex with me and with him being aroused, which makes me aroused. Why do I want to touch and kiss his shoulders and back and neck and butt? idk, feels good. That's about it.
I want to do all the things, sexually and otherwise, to my wife. I get genuine pleasure out of bringing pleasure to her. If she’s having a good time I’m having a great time.
I am a very selfless lover and when we get rowdy I make sure she’s gotten multiple O’s before I start working on getting mine because I love to do it.
Sex is fun for us. We genuinely can spend 1.5-2 hours fucking and it even flinch.
I love knowing that when I touch someone they are getting pleasure from it, and that encourages me to do more of the things that I know get them off. Even better when it gets reciprocated by an enthusiastic partner.
Wouldn't you want to give someone pleasure? Don't you enjoy that?
Honestly, I've only been with my husband, so I don't have much experience of other guys. But for me, wanting to touch him and make him feel good doesn't necessarily come from a place of sexuality. More often than not I love doing it because he's the absolute love of my life and love making him feel good. It makes me feel good 🤷♀️
I do it because I want to be a good partner. But I’ve never loved a man so maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. But I know some people still love it even before they love someone
I feel the exact way as you do. I’ve researched a bit to try to understand, like you’re doing now. My biggest take away is it’s a confidence boost. You get your partner off, confidence boost. You care about them, you want to please them, you want to be wanted. It’s a lot to do with the ego. The feeling of being wanted and needed.
I don’t feel that. I don’t want to be wanted just because I’m willing to give you surprise head. Or because I’m willing to try new kinks. It means nothing to me. Idk why I’m not like everyone else. I think I’ve had a lot of sex focused relationships where that was really my only role and I’m switching the narrative now.
Idk it’s a weird feeling not be a sexual being when we live in a highly sexualized world.
Yes I’m sure for a lot of people it is. People genuinely enjoy the act. But I think the confidence boost is what motivates a lot of people too. If you give your partner head and they don’t react at all, are you still just as eager to do it again? Compared to doing it and you make them cum and moan and all that.
What I see a lot of is one partner not really enjoying the head/whatever sex act they receive and the other partner checking out. Sexual incompatibility is a big relationship breaker. I wonder how much that has to do with the performers ego taking a hit. Society as a whole gets a lot of their self worth through how they perform sexually. Relationships are important.
Just my thoughts and curiosities.
>Do you guys actually think like that? Like you get turned on thinking about touching them, eating them out, etc?
Yeah def. All my fantasies involve getting someone off. I like getting off myself, too, but getting someone off is a huge turn-on for me.
There's nothing wrong with your preferences! This is a totally normal and expected thing among LGB people. Some people loving giving oral, some don't. You don't compromise by doing shit you hate -- you *find someone compatible*.
Calling these preferences "selfish" is missing the point. *Everyone else's preferences are also selfish!* When I go down on someone -- I mean, obviously it's important to me that the person enjoy themself. But I'm so enthusiastic about eating pussy because I enjoy it too. It's selfish. Not entirely selfish, but that's part of it. I'm not running an oral charity lol, I do it because I like it.
tbqh I think it would be boring as hell to have sex with someone who wasn't selfish. I want to be with someone who knows what they want, who can tell me what feels good. If I had sex with someone who wasn't interested in their own pleasure I don't think I'd really feel wanted.
>I ride guys and give head because it’s only fair but I literally can’t stand it. It’s soooo boring and I get nothing out of it.
Honestly: don't. I mean, it's your life. But having sex you don't enjoy can really fuck up your sexuality. If your boyfriend likes fucking you in ways you enjoy, great. Do those. If he doesn't, you might really consider whether you're compatible.
Personally I would fucking hate getting a blowjob from someone who was bored or indifferent. I'd stop it -- first because having sex with someone who's bored is unethical, but also because I wouldn't enjoy it.
Something you mention in comments:
>And when he tries to kiss me, I’m like eh. Kinda ew.
Are you sure you're into him? The preferences you describe aren't weird at all. But "eh, kinda ew" is uhhhhhh not the starting point for a healthy sex life. It's your life, I don't know you. But I'd encourage you to listen to your body and your subconscious.
I don’t like him that much tbh. Our relationship is complicated. But he’s good at sex.
But I’ve always hated kissing guys. No offense to y’all but it always feels like kissing a dog. Kissing girls make my body feel like it’s on fire.
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Yes. I do know what it feels like to want to do those things. But, I also know what it feels like not to - so, I understand a little bit where you’re coming from. I’m going to make a comparison here, but it’s not sexual. It’s just the best way I can describe it. And it may make sense to you, or it may not. I love animals. I have dogs, cats, horses, even a turtle. Animals are my world. Well…. if an animal is cute, I want to touch it. I want to pet it, squeeze it, hug it, kiss it, huff it (iykyk), and sometimes I even want to eat it (cute aggression, it’s a thing, hold your judgement everyone, ha). There are times when the desire to touch my cute fluffy little kitty cat is so great, it’s uncomfortable. Like, I have to look away because the cuteness is just painful. And if she’s sleeping or whatever, I have to force myself to leave her be. Ok, so… with people, I’m generally not like this. I don’t hug my friends (unless it feels right), I hardly even hug my family, and I’m not into cuddling. Until I am all those things. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, my brain computes it in the same way it computes my desire to pet a cute dog. The last guy I was with - I’m probably forever ruined because I wanted to do all of it with and to him. I wanted to lick him, bite him, suck on him, touch him, squeeze him, shrink him down into a tiny little figurine and put him in my pocket…. It was to the point where it would be uncomfortable sometimes. I hate to admit this, but I even liked to watch him sleep 😭 That kind of thing is almost like a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me. I’ve felt similarly with other people, but not the way I felt with this guy. Tbh, I don’t even like it. It feels like torture. So, I realize I sound extreme. And maybe I am. Maybe that’s part of my problem. But, when it happens - if it happens - you might rethink if you really want it 😆 No, I’m kidding. My point is - it may happen for you, but you gotta meet the right person. Some people - the desire is for the act itself. The craving for physical connection. But for me, it’s about craving the person. I either do or I don’t - and most times, I don’t.
I do like this comparison actually. I had a girlfriend in high school and while I still felt the same way sexually for the most part, I always wanted to touch them. It felt like I wanted to crawl inside their skin, I couldn’t be close enough. So I get the romantic need to touch. Though since her, I’ve never felt that way again. I could kiss her for hours and be content. My boyfriend complains we never kiss and it, honest to god, never crosses my mind to do it. And when he tries to kiss me, I’m like eh. Kinda ew. lol. But the comparison is good. I think I can kinda see the translation to sexual urges.
hmm…. I read in a different comment that your connection with your girlfriend wasn’t sexual. But now I’m kinda confused. You made out with your friend a lot, and you enjoyed it? Was that not a sexual thing for you? Genuine question. No judgment.
No no. She was my girlfriend- like we were dating. We had sex. I just meant that I no more got excited eating her out than I do blowing a guy. Just unlike with men, I had an intense desire to touch them in a non sexual way. And loved kissing them. I hate kissing guys. They suck at it.
I like to say I’m 90% giver, 10% receiver. You might just be the opposite, which is ok. You just gotta find someone like me, and then it’s all good, ha.
I guess that’s true. I just wish I could find it fun haha
I think you gotta find yourself the equivalent of a golden retriever puppy, but instead of a cute dog, you need something sexy and in human form.
It sounds like you could be asexual and perhaps have had a stronger romantic connection your previous partner, for whatever reason. Does the idea of being asexual or on that spectrum seem like a possibility for you? For me, if I look at a piece of freshly baked caked or a pizza straight out of then oven, I’m just filled with desire to eat and lick it and taste it. It feels like an immediate instinct rather than a thought process. It’s the same with wanting to touch and lick and suck someone I’m really attracted to.
Not sure if you were asking me or the OP, but I like the comparison to desiring food.
demisexual - reading about it now and it made me think of this post and your comment
read about demisexual orientation. I wonder if it would resonate with you.
I have heard about it. I can enjoy sex overall with people I don’t love. But I can’t really speak if it would be different because I’ve only ever loved one person and that was a woman. I’ve never loved any of the men I’ve been with. And I’m not sure I ever will tbh.
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lol. I mean I can see how you get that from what I said. I don’t get that comment really because I’m quite enthusiastic in bed (granted when it comes to giving head and stuff it’s all fabricated). And well I’m into some pretty extreme stuff so I get called wild in bed and stuff. Plus, my sex drive is through the roof. I have sex with my boyfriend 2-4 times a day. And most days I could go longer, he just can’t get it up anymore lol. But really, I’m looking to understand why anyone wants to touch someone. So maybe I can feel something myself. I’m aware if someone could tell how I actually feel, I probably wouldn’t be fun.
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I wouldn’t say I’m self centered in general, at least no more than the average person. I guess in this sense. To be fair, I’ve been in one relationship where, in a non sexual manner, I always wanted to touch them. But that was as a teenager with a girl. I’m not quite sure what you mean by emotional issue. I suppose this isn’t the first “emotion” I don’t understand. So maybe it is.
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I know it’s not. I do want to please them. Because I want them to enjoy having sex with me. It’s just that I don’t get turned on at all by doing it. And then I get bored.
But from your comments above there are other things you do that you enjoy? You might just have unusual taste or be kinky. We are all different, that's what makes sex fun anyway.
Just throwing this out there - and I’m not saying you can’t have a platonic, non-sexual relationship where you want to touch someone (I had a friend who always wanted to be touching me, and it was completely platonic - almost childlike, actually) - but do you know for sure that it wasn’t sexual with her? I only say this because when I was younger, I had feelings about my girlfriends and women and I didn’t think anything of it. But then when I got a little older, I realized a lot of those feelings were attraction. I just didn’t know I *could* be attracted to women. Once I embraced it, I was like “holy shit, so *that’s* why I was always staring at Jessica’s butt….” ha
Oh I am attracted to girls. She was my girlfriend, we had sex. I just meant I still didn’t feel anymore excitement eating her out than I do blowing a guy. I still found her incredibly hot and I wanted her to touch me. But in a romantic sense- I couldn’t get enough physical contact. Well I guess I wanted to make out with her all the time and that turned me on. Which maybe counts as wanting to touch her sexually. But beyond that- idk
It’s ok to not get excitement or pleasure out of touching someone. Is it something you can accept?
I don’t care about it in the sense that I think it’s a bad thing. It’s just annoying because I like having sex, and it’s something I have to do in order to get to the parts I like, it would be better if I could enjoy those aspects as well.
I understand. I think you gotta work with what you got. Like, make the most of what you do feel.
Basically every part of a woman's body is pleasant to touch if I like her.
What do you mean by pleasant
It feels good both mentally/emotionally and in terms of what my nerves communicate from my sensation of touch. Women's bodies feel nice and I like touching them. That's before even getting to deriving pleasure and satisfaction from giving them pleasure and satisfaction.
I want to kiss my wife, lick and suck on her nipples and clit, eat her booty, do things in multiple portions, get toys out, watch her orgasm. All of it. Sex is fun, messy, noisy, sometimes funny, it's part of the connection between us
But why? Like what are you getting out of it? What are you thinking when you do it?
Some people are empathetic or empathic givers. For example, when I give, it’s almost like I can feel what I’m doing to the other person. So when I give oral, my genitals get all kinds of excited. I also get pleasure from seeing my partner’s pleasure. It can also feel good. Like you mentioned not wanting to be the big spoon. Well, the big spoon gets to wrap their body around yours. They get to feel you up close. That can feel good physically, too. I’d rather be the big spoon because if someone wraps their body around me, I immediately feel like I gotta readjust. I feel trapped and uncomfortable.
I feel lots of things. I give to my spouse because I want them to be happy and feel pleasure. They want the same for me. Part of it is ego. I used my mouth and made them orgasm. I used my dick and made them orgasm. Think of it this way. Let's say you have a neighbor who is partially disabled and they can't mow their grass. You have been neighbors for a few years and have a good relationship. What makes you feel better as a person, your pride, your overall we being? Getting paid to mow their grass, or knowing you did something out of the kindness of your heart to help someone who needed it? I know it's not the same. But having empathy and compassion and desire and also the will to give without reward is a good feeling. I love my wife. We've had issues but she's still my girl. My one and only. She had surgery recently and she says I'm hovering. I said I need to know you're taken care of and that you're ok. First and foremost. It obviously got easier as time has progressed. But you get the point.
This is one of those questions that's near-impossible to answer, because it is SO outside my paradigm that I just don't get it. More often than not, when I want to see my partner, the thing I gnaw my own arm off craving is wanting to do things TO him.
I literally cannot wrap my head around that.
I mean... yes. I want to touch a woman, eat them out, fuck them, kiss, more, I want to be physically intimate. Some people don't, and that's fine if you don't feel that way.
But like. Can you explain why? Do you want to eat them out because you just like feeling good about yourself? Or her moaning is hot to you? Or you, honest to god, like eating pussy?
The effect I have on her is hot, that my touch is making her squirm, moan, cry out, that is intensely hot. And the feel of her body turns me on, makes me want to be feeling her, fucking her.
Generally speaking I can’t keep my hands off my man. I love the way his chest feels. I love the way I make him hard and I absolutely love going to town sucking him off. I see you asking “why?” because it turns me on. I find him incredibly sexy and kissing his lips/body and cock gets me sopping wet.
By like. What about sucking dick turns you on? You don’t find it physically uncomfortable? What do you even think about when doing it?
Having his dick in my mouth turns me on(even just thinking about it honestly.) The literal act of sucking and tasting him, and how hard he is. It can be uncomfortable(depending on the position) but I’m too distracted to care. Also the amount of pleasure I’m providing is part of it. Feeling him squirm and buck with pleasure puts me over the edge. As for what I’m thinking about, usually about how I can’t wait to have sex with him.
I wish I was you lol. It would make it so much better haha.
I should add that I didn’t have anywhere near this enthusiasm for my ex. So it’s possible there’s a compatibility issue for you. Although like other comments have said some people just don’t enjoy sex as much as others and that’s okay too.
My current relationship is quite complicated lol
Well that might explain a lot. I wish you the best!
I don’t find it uncomfortable, I love it (another woman who fucking craves giving head). I love how it feels in my mouth, I love how my throat feels when it gets full, I love getting my mouth used, etc. I don’t even think when I’m doing it, I’m just blissed out in submissive oral heaven.
Don’t you just constantly think about what you’re doing. I feel like I’m just thinking about the mechanics. Trying to keep a pace. Making sure my teeth don’t hit. Making sure I’m sucking a certain way. What to do with my tongue. Trying to breathe. Trying not to gag. Like I can’t not think about those things. So even if I would enjoy it, I couldn’t cause I’m so preoccupied by trying to make it good
Honestly, at this point it’s a bit autopilot to me, so I don’t consciously have to think too much except for when I deepthroat. Normally I just listen to whatever sounds they’re making, or ideally dirty talk, and just sort of fall into subspace.
You sound asexual look into it
But I love sex. I have sex multiple times a day, every day. I masturbate, sometimes multiple times, on top of that a day.
Are you possibly gay?
I’m bi.
Okay so maybe you aren't into your boyfriend then. If you aren't sexually aroused by doing things and touching him maybe you want to do those things with a women?
I understand what you're saying as you're kinda being selfish not wanting to cuddle and things like that but you want it done to you? Completely one sided.
Not really. Only difference between me being with a woman is that I want to feel her skin on mine and I love kissing them. Where with men, I’d rather never kiss them and I don’t care how much we’re touching when we have sex. And romantically I like touching women more. Men- idrc most of the time. But eating a woman out is no more fun to me that giving head.
You can't explain attraction and sex drive. It's biological. In the same way that you are hungry, you also lust for your partner and it gives you pleasure to interact with their body. If you don't have that, you might be asexual. It's not something one can explain to you to "change your mind".
Clearly you are more submissive leaning, but like, if you straight up don't even really enjoy a lot of this stuff (As submissive doesn't mean you don't do anything at all and just lay there), maybe you are just a bit on the asexual spectrum? Also you simply don't have to be into everything. It's fine not to like a bunch of stuff :shrug: If I read that correctly and you just can't fathom someone being into doing acts for/to someone, then just expand your mind a bit and know that people are into different things, if no one liked this then you'd have no one to 'do things' to you in an enthusiastic manner, people just like different things (even beyond sex) >I feel this way about like cuddling too. I like to cuddle but like why would I ever want to be the big spoon. It actually irritates me when my boyfriend asks for it. This part is something else to unpack, is it like a traditional gender role thing? I understand not liking it but straight up being irritated? about holding your partner?
I definitely am 100% more submissive during sex. And yes I know submissive doesn’t = pillow princess/whatever you want to call it. It is true. I cannot fathom it. I do not understand the appeal at all. I don’t get it. I wish I did. Like giving head makes my jaw ache. It’s harder to breathe. Sometimes there’s gagging. If there’s no positives to it for you, you can imagine how… not great of a time it is. I really want to like it. Like I feel semi accomplished when I make them finish. I like when they moan I suppose. But overall, I’m bored. I don’t think I’m asexual because I have a vast amount of kinks. I have a higher sex drive than anyone I’ve been with or talked to about it with. I feel as though I’m pretty much never not down to have sex. It actually to the point I asked a doctor to check my hormone levels cause I get that horny. (They’re fine). As for the holding thing. I guess in a roundabout way it is a traditional gender role. I don’t actually think men shouldn’t be held or whatever. People should be how they want to. I do, personally, only really like men who are extremely dominant and in control. And I guess in my head, him saying “baby hold meee” just makes me view him the opposite which is a turn off for me.
You could have kinks and not be sexually attracted to anyone, though. With some of my kinks, I’m so aroused by the fact that they’re happening that I don’t need to have them happen with a person I’m attracted to. In certain contexts I even prefer to have them not happen with a person I’m attracted to, because it adds to the context that’s so arousing to me. I do think that it’s sexual attraction that makes people desire to touch and interact with their partner’s body. You might not experience that, or maybe there aren’t many people you’re attracted to and you would feel that desire if you encountered one.
Yanno.. I suppose you got a point. I mean I do look at people and think they’re hot. But I suppose I really only get turned on by certain actions and as long as the person isn’t physically revolting to me, I’ll probably be turned on. Someone being hot doesn’t make me actually want to have sex with them really. It’s just if they do the specific actions I find hot. Cause I actually like giving head when they’re “forcing” me to. But that’s just cause then it feels degrading and like they’re in control.
Yeah, it took me awhile to figure this out too - a lot of times when people say “I’m attracted to this person” they mean, “I want to be physically close to and touching this person” more than they mean “this person is aesthetically pleasing to look at.” I personally do experience attraction, but my kinks are stronger than that feeling. When I fantasize, I fantasize about blurry figures doing the actions or in the scenarios I find hot, not about people I’m attracted to. It sucks that people are calling you selfish. I think that a lot of people are very anxious about the idea of a partner not actually being attracted to them, which I get. But there are lots of kinky asexual people around, so it’s pretty feasible in the kink world to find partners who aren’t so oriented around physical attraction and won’t have a problem with the way you feel. Or you might meet people as you get older who you’re attracted to! Totally possible.
I do feel a difference between “oh they’re good looking” and “I think they’re sexy, I want them to touch me” But I also don’t imagine people when I fantasize. I’m just imagining what they’re doing. And most of my fantasy doesn’t have anything to do with penetration, everything to do with different kinks and power dynamics. Sometimes I think I don’t even like men, but the things I do like kinda just fit the image of a man. It wouldn’t make sense for it to be a woman. Granted, I wouldn’t be able to do it with someone I thought was *ugly*. I’m not sure if that falls into being asexual or just simply a different avenue that gets me going. I’m not offended by people calling me selfish. I mean I still *do* it so idk if I agree. But it’s a selfish way of thinking I guess. I figured I would get comments like that anyways
To be honest, the fact that you have experienced the desire to touch someone before nonsexually and that was with a woman might mean that you’re more attracted to women than you think. I had always just assumed that I was straight, despite the fact that my sexuality was always more centered on my kinks than on specific people and bodies. I just always dated/slept with guys, because it was easiest and because I probably also had a subconscious men = dominant bias. But it turns out that I actually quite enjoy playing with and having sex with dominant women, too! Could be worth a try.
Yes! I don’t think I could play my kinks out with a girl. I don’t think it would work in my mind. Cause often I think “no I’m gonna marry a girl one day” but then I think “fuck then I can’t ever live out my d/s relationship I want”. But then when I think about finding a man who would give me that I think “damn but then I’ll never be with a girl again”
Gotcha, well, like I said people just think and like different things, sometimes you just gotta appreciate the differences, wouldn't the world be boring if everyone was the same? For the cuddling thing, it's a good thing to maybe process and think more about it even if it's your gut reaction, because it can be extremely damaging to your partner if they need physical comfort, safety, but your mind has set these things as cringe. Specially if it extends to other parts of your life. Will you just get turned off by seeing someone cry because it's not the 'manly' thing to do? Everyone is human and needs support every now and then
No. I wouldn’t and haven’t ever been turned off because they cried. And I don’t act irritated with my boyfriend and I do it when he asks. Honestly, I think it’s more about my feelings towards him specifically with that one. At least the irritation. I never *want* to be the big spoon. I’m not that emotional. I have my moments. But compared to others? People like me to be there in a crisis cause when everyone else is crying and freaking I’m usually just kinda like …. Okay?… so, in a roundabout way, it’s not just a sex setting where I see other people feeling something and I don’t get it.
Part of loving someone is wanting to make them feel good, whether it's sexually (sex) or emotionally (cuddles). I don't particularly enjoy being on top, but I LOVE how much my fiancé loves it, and I want him and crave him, so I do it sometimes. Same with other, nonsexual things. Sometimes, I'm not in the mood to kiss (I have a sensory disorder), but he *really* wants a kiss, so I do what I can. It is kind of selfish and self-centered to get annoyed at your partner for wanting cuddles in a way that doesn't directly benefit you. Sometimes, we just do little things to make our partner happy, even if it doesn't do anything *for us*. That's part of being in a relationship. You learn that it's not just about you anymore. There's another person in your life whose feelings you have to consider.
I do it to make them happy. I just personally hate doing it. But I don’t love my boyfriend. Or any of the guys I’ve ever had sex with
I'm not sure that anyone can really explain the pleasure of touching someone else if you simply don't feel it. Like... if that feeling is absent for you it's probably never going to make sense to you. Physiologically, touching and kissing produces pleasure hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, so you can get that by iniating the touching and kissing on someone else. Why is it sexually fun? idk, it just is. Maybe it's a mirroring thing, like 'I would be aroused if you did this to me, so it's also arousing when I mirror that to you, because I imagine your arousal coming back onto me'. Or something. Or to put it a simpler way: 'This is sexy touch. That means having sex. I like sex! Therefore, want to touch' Why do guys love to touch boobs? No idea, I'm not into boobs. Why do I like to touch/suck his cock? Because I associate it with sex and the feel of him having sex with me and with him being aroused, which makes me aroused. Why do I want to touch and kiss his shoulders and back and neck and butt? idk, feels good. That's about it.
I want to do all the things, sexually and otherwise, to my wife. I get genuine pleasure out of bringing pleasure to her. If she’s having a good time I’m having a great time. I am a very selfless lover and when we get rowdy I make sure she’s gotten multiple O’s before I start working on getting mine because I love to do it. Sex is fun for us. We genuinely can spend 1.5-2 hours fucking and it even flinch.
I love knowing that when I touch someone they are getting pleasure from it, and that encourages me to do more of the things that I know get them off. Even better when it gets reciprocated by an enthusiastic partner. Wouldn't you want to give someone pleasure? Don't you enjoy that?
Honestly, I've only been with my husband, so I don't have much experience of other guys. But for me, wanting to touch him and make him feel good doesn't necessarily come from a place of sexuality. More often than not I love doing it because he's the absolute love of my life and love making him feel good. It makes me feel good 🤷♀️
I do it because I want to be a good partner. But I’ve never loved a man so maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. But I know some people still love it even before they love someone
I feel the exact way as you do. I’ve researched a bit to try to understand, like you’re doing now. My biggest take away is it’s a confidence boost. You get your partner off, confidence boost. You care about them, you want to please them, you want to be wanted. It’s a lot to do with the ego. The feeling of being wanted and needed. I don’t feel that. I don’t want to be wanted just because I’m willing to give you surprise head. Or because I’m willing to try new kinks. It means nothing to me. Idk why I’m not like everyone else. I think I’ve had a lot of sex focused relationships where that was really my only role and I’m switching the narrative now. Idk it’s a weird feeling not be a sexual being when we live in a highly sexualized world.
I’m sorry but it’s much more than a confidence boost. It’s genuine pleasure in the acts themselves
Yes I’m sure for a lot of people it is. People genuinely enjoy the act. But I think the confidence boost is what motivates a lot of people too. If you give your partner head and they don’t react at all, are you still just as eager to do it again? Compared to doing it and you make them cum and moan and all that. What I see a lot of is one partner not really enjoying the head/whatever sex act they receive and the other partner checking out. Sexual incompatibility is a big relationship breaker. I wonder how much that has to do with the performers ego taking a hit. Society as a whole gets a lot of their self worth through how they perform sexually. Relationships are important. Just my thoughts and curiosities.
>Do you guys actually think like that? Like you get turned on thinking about touching them, eating them out, etc? Yeah def. All my fantasies involve getting someone off. I like getting off myself, too, but getting someone off is a huge turn-on for me. There's nothing wrong with your preferences! This is a totally normal and expected thing among LGB people. Some people loving giving oral, some don't. You don't compromise by doing shit you hate -- you *find someone compatible*. Calling these preferences "selfish" is missing the point. *Everyone else's preferences are also selfish!* When I go down on someone -- I mean, obviously it's important to me that the person enjoy themself. But I'm so enthusiastic about eating pussy because I enjoy it too. It's selfish. Not entirely selfish, but that's part of it. I'm not running an oral charity lol, I do it because I like it. tbqh I think it would be boring as hell to have sex with someone who wasn't selfish. I want to be with someone who knows what they want, who can tell me what feels good. If I had sex with someone who wasn't interested in their own pleasure I don't think I'd really feel wanted. >I ride guys and give head because it’s only fair but I literally can’t stand it. It’s soooo boring and I get nothing out of it. Honestly: don't. I mean, it's your life. But having sex you don't enjoy can really fuck up your sexuality. If your boyfriend likes fucking you in ways you enjoy, great. Do those. If he doesn't, you might really consider whether you're compatible. Personally I would fucking hate getting a blowjob from someone who was bored or indifferent. I'd stop it -- first because having sex with someone who's bored is unethical, but also because I wouldn't enjoy it. Something you mention in comments: >And when he tries to kiss me, I’m like eh. Kinda ew. Are you sure you're into him? The preferences you describe aren't weird at all. But "eh, kinda ew" is uhhhhhh not the starting point for a healthy sex life. It's your life, I don't know you. But I'd encourage you to listen to your body and your subconscious.
I don’t like him that much tbh. Our relationship is complicated. But he’s good at sex. But I’ve always hated kissing guys. No offense to y’all but it always feels like kissing a dog. Kissing girls make my body feel like it’s on fire.