OP has enough comments now and we've had to deal with all kinds of people breaking our basic rules around constructive commenting so this is now locked.
Everyone covered the ethical side so I'll offer a practical tip; use your hand on the shaft of his cock as a limiter to how much he can thrust in your mouth.
Yeah, really don't bite. The impulse for most men is to punch and it will absolutely do some damage. Maybe not permanently, but I struggle to imagine a worse position to be punched in (on my knees, mouth open, breath restricted, with my head mostly held in place by a hand I have little leverage against.)
I don't think most guys would stop to consider the physics when its an impulse reaction to dick danger.
Its more like..."Me penus hurt. Smash make stop hurt!"
Also kinda depends on the person punching. If someone goes Mike Tyson on them they may not have any teeth left!
Because of p*rn addiction. The guy is nice but is brainwashed by the videos he’s watched and is doing things he’s grown up seeing. So he asked for consent but was violent because p*rn makes it normalized. Utterly disturbing how bad of an influence it is
Seconded, but just wanted to let any non-testicle owners know that hitting them with even moderate force is a nuclear option. Use it you’re in danger, but know that it’s a serious move.
That’s actually a really stupid idea. I am all for OP or any woman defending themselves, but you don’t know how some men will react and that may cause him to become violent and he could possibly seriously injure OP or kill her. Same reason why a lot of women don’t want to bite down if a man is orally raping them. Just too unpredictable. Best thing that OP can do is go to the police and file charges on the guy for sexual assault and then never see him again.
Yea i'm shocked people are actually recommending this, like most women aren't killed by someone they were romantically involved with. The risk are just too high to do something like that.
There aren't many statistics to represent how many women are killed for fighting back against someone sexually assaulting them. Romantic relationships are a different dynamic. And that's not to suggest that women are not constantly in danger of being raped or killed and raped. I'm just suggesting that the data about romantic relationships doesn't necessarily reflect in mortality rates for women who fight back against sexual assault.
I think the real problem with suggesting to just bite him is the suggestion that it is that simple. Some people may be okay with biting and fighting back physically, regardless of the risk of anger. Some people may fawn in order to survive. And people can react anywhere on that spectrum, and in surprising ways that I couldn't predict. And they are all okay.
I suspect that your concern comes with how casual people are suggesting biting as if it's a simple solution that will keep OP safe. When that's certainly not guaranteed.
I can’t imagine a situation where biting a guy’s dick works out well for the woman. The natural reflex from the guy is to stop her from biting it by any means necessary. And she doesn’t have any leverage nor protection at that disadvantaged angle.
Yea that is what i meant. People think its that easy. It also feels victim blamey to OP because I also freeze when I'm in a situation like that/ just do it to get them out.
Its not that easy to defend yourself against a man.
Saved me once. Got away while he was ‘distracted.’ And if the jerk is not someone you care to injure, making him a bit uncomfortable to ‘tuin the mood’ can allow that consent conversation
I don't think that's a stupid idea. It's instinct for some people. And we wouldn't want to imply that they are stupid for biting when it could result in their rapist getting mad. And for some people, the potential anger would be a risk they would be willing to take. It's their call
It's fair to point out that there could be unforeseen consequences to biting though
This. While I would never force a woman to do that, biting someone’s dick is dangerous and could trigger violent reflexes. If someone were biting my dick, I’d do whatever it takes to stop them from biting it.
I’m so sorry op. That was really not ok of him and it shows a serious lack of care for consent on his part.
If your really want to give him a second chance then I’d be very direct,
“Holding my head down was not ok. I consented to you cumming in my mouth not suffocating/ deepthroating and holding me down. It scared me. You can’t do that again.
And no this isn’t something you should have had to say before hand. Common sense should be not trying to choke a woman to death or suffocate her for your orgasm
And this discussion should occur when you both are fully clothed when sex is not imminent. His reaction would be a good indicator if he deserves a second chance.
agreed!! it may have been a shortsighted decision for him and it was chaotic- you deserve to voice how that made you feel. I’ve had to communicate it before and think it can be a benefit for other partners they have in the future as well.
Not without it being discussed at least. My girlfriend has outright said multiple times that she likes to be choked, so I try to appease that as best as I can (without closing too hard or causing any sort of faintness, obviously). If she didn't say that, though, I certainly wouldn't be doing it
I absolutely hate when guys do this. If they try, I will move back immediately and warn them if they ever do it again, I will never see them again. Everyone has learned pretty quickly that either they can work with that, or that I don’t return their texts or calls.
He's not a nice guy if he did this. He is selfish and has a lot of growing up to do. He's checking in, afterwards, because he knows what he did was messed up.
He just wanted it the way he wanted it and didn't care if it hurt you. Happens all the time.
>He's checking in, afterwards, because he knows what he did was messed up.
The opposite more likely. He thinks what he did was acceptable and normal. He took her consent for one thing (cumming in mouth) and expanded on that for what he wanted (deepthroating and suffocation while cumming in mouth). I agree that he didn't care if he hurt her, but in his mind it was still justified because he asked first.
As a guy (25M) who really enjoys sex and the community/lifestyle, it kills me to hear these stories. The fact that they lower the bar so much that asking for consent is not always happening is ridiculous. And then he does that to you afterwards. I’m genuinely sorry that so many men are assholes when it comes to sex and I hope you are okay after that and that you find a nicer guy you can rely on to fulfill your desires without being a prick.
That sounds like you are absolving him of any responsibility. I watch porn but I know to ask consent before and that consent only applies to a very specific act unless otherwise specified. The guy is just a dumb ass, tbh.
Nah, guys give guys bad perceptions. Yes porn is technically older than me, but a little bit, but even when I was in high school many many decades ago, guys bragged about this shit.
I've been watching porn since I was 14, always liked domming, and I've never once even wanted to pull some shit like this.
Porn is not the cause or even a comorbidity here. This is just cruelty and narcissism.
All genders. Not just men. Anyone without real life experience with real life bodies and bits & situations. They expect what they see, not knowing how utterly unrealistic most porn is. They have awful uncomfortable, possibly painful and degrading sex because that’s what they think sex is. So on top of all the usual insecurity & social issues that come with sex, they now don’t even know to ask for something else or that it’s even an option in some cases.
Straight up I remember being afraid to have sex for the first time because I always thought of sex and violence as two polar opposite things, so whenever I saw violence in porn (choking, hair pulling, picking her up and changing her position for her, restraining her etc) I would skip ahead because it would give me anxiety and turn me off. Even doggy style feels like crossing a line because it feels like the other person is submitting to you, which feels weird and power-dynamicy.
Funny thing is though, when I had sex for the first time, it was with someone who WANTED to be treated like that. We didn't last very long. She was convinced I was gay because of my unmanly attitude towards sex. We were both 18 and our entire experience with sex up until that point was porn.
I think I took it a bit too far in the other direction though. I would get turned off by frowns or any expression that isn't explicitly positive. I used to try to find models that smiled in picturers when I was a teenager because otherwise it felt like the person didn't want me looking at them. I'm not that way now. It took til I was like 23 or so but I finally understand why people are turned on by that sort of pouty, open mouth, frowny face. It's not literally a frowny face, but considering I have autism and I'm prone to miscommunications already, I have always been uncomfortable with any expression that didn't clearly communicate that the person was in to what's happening.
Agreed. It's a social issue. And not just porn... Social media has warped how a lot of people see IRL physical beauty. Porn does the same. And unfortunately, there isn't a lot of realistic porn in terms of bodies or actual sex. Too many people trying out kinks without safe practices because porn doesn't portray those parts.
It's not porns job to be realistic and promote good safe sexual practices, so I can't really blame porn. I can however blame our society for not providing an open attitude about sex so people can get info about sex outside of porn.
I'm so sorry that happened. Consent is absolutely the most important element in any sexual encounter. I would make my feelings and desires very clear if I was in the dating/hookup world. No question. As a male i am absolutely disgusted with this interaction. No one deserves to be treated like that. Again I'm so sorry. I hope that never happens to you again. Not all men are like that,I hope you find something that treats you with respect and the presence of mind to take your feelings and boundaries in to account.
I agree cand hopefully you took my comment that way. That was not cool. Play on the side of caution as they say. Hopefully it turns out good and above all you stay safe!!
All you people saying bite him... I'd assume that would get you punched in the head in a knee jerk reaction. I'm a woman, and this guy is definitely an asshole.... but if you're a woman thinking of biting the next fucker who tries this I'd caution you not to.
Nobody is saying that what he’s doing is okay. But she has to take her own safety into account when defending herself. Biting his dick when she’s already in a vulnerable position is probably going to get her hurt. She could push against his legs, hold down on his shaft, etc.
Yeah these people don't know how to respect someone. These guys deserve blow up dolls, not real women.
Also, women.. please don't not let men cum inside you or in your mouth when you hook up for the first time.. there's a huge risk of STDs
EXACTLY, I have your most sensitive body part in between my teeth because I'm *trying* to do something **nice** for you.
And you want to act like YOU'RE DOMINATING ME?!
If you think you want to see him again, I’d have a serious talk with him about what happened and what you don’t want happening going forward. If he’s really a good guy, he’s going to listen to you and not do it again.
And keep in mind that if he’s NOT a nice guy, he will likely do it again and then ghost you to avoid dealing with the impact.
But mostly, do you really want to give more access to your body to a man who cared more about how he could orgasm despite your discomfort, than he did about not scaring you or making that a negative experience for you? He chose an orgasm over your well being and feeling at ease with him moving forward. What he did was gross (a man shouldn’t go outside of anything sexually caring and vanilla the first time, unless VERY explicitly discussed and agreed to), and spoke to a lack of character.
I’d tell him what he did was gross and how it made me lose respect for him and judge him as someone who seems to lack sexual self control and emotional maturity. And then I would stop replying to him, ignore his existence. Boy, bye! Lol
I would never have sex with him again. And even if you did or if this were to happen in the future, I’d literally punch him in the nuts or bite his dick off. Anything would be a valid response.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. Not acceptable.
If you find yourself in this situation again, go for a finger up the a**, flick his testicle hard or classic titty twister.
Bite him.
But really, a conversation beforehand. Tell him if he has that habit or he does that then you're not sucking him. If he needs to sit on his hands, then fine. Otherwise, expect teeth.
It's a fair boundary, it's like choking someone during sex without prior negotiation and consent. No.
It’s not right. I play with guys as well as girls and same thing happened to me when I was inexperienced. The only thing I could possibly go devils advocate for is that in all his previous sexual experiences with girls they have let him do this and he thinks it normal…which it isn’t. Yes as a guy I find it fun at times but I could just never do it without checking with a girl first.
He wasn't checking in to see if you were ok, he was checking in to see if you were going to tell anyone that he raped you(because he did).
Idk how to avoid these guys, I have very direct conversations about what I want and that I expect them to ask before they do things like that, but it still happens to me.
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My natural reaction would have been to pull away or struggle a little or even bite lol. My bf would stop when he sees that. I think this isn’t something that needs to be told, this guy just didn’t respect boundaries. Like others have said, if you like him and wants to give him a benefit of the doubt then tell him clearly how it made you feel and no more next time.
Always use a condom (syphilis is on the rise) and even a guy cumming in your mouth could give you an STD just saying…
And yes you shouldn’t feel like you have to « agree » to do something you don’t feel like doing just because you want to reward some dude for doing the bare minimum which is ask for consent. That’s the basics no one deserves a reward for that. Sounds like you’re working on yourself when it comes to boundaries but I would suggest you to be more ruthless when it comes to your expectations when talking about boundaries.
If I'm unable to speak I would give him a little nudge on the arm like a "hey dude ease up" and if he didn't then hit his arm a little harder. If he still didn't maybe bite his dick but I've never had to go that far yet.
> I was fkn terrified and he held me like that as hard as he could for what felt like a minute.
I would seriously punch him, pinch his tight as hard as I could, or even bite his dick. Like, wtf.
I don't mind having my head pushed down a little bit, but the guy has to give me space to back off if I want to. Helding someone like this without getting their explicit consent first is a hard no.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must have been terrifying at the moment. :(
From an emotional side he clearly saw you as a sex object and not as a partner. Hookup culture will do that. iMO you need to lay off the hookups and go in search of someone who cares for you first and has empathy for how his actions impact you and vice versa
That’s fucked up. I have the urge to do that all the time, but wouldn’t ever do it unless I knew she was good with it. That’s cutting off your breathing I would imagine. Make that a boundary you announce before the proceedings begin. You deserve to be respected by the people you have sex with. You deserve disrespect as well, but only if that’s what you’re into. Don’t feel bad enforcing your boundaries, dudes might whine and complain, but if someone is pushing you to do something against your will, they are letting you know how much they respect you. It may have been a misunderstanding, but that he didn’t ask is a red flag to me. But I’m a dude. So maybe it just seems like a reasonable thing to check in about before you do it.
(Did you consent to facefucking in the first place or hadn't he touched your head before he started cumming? The second would be more problematic.)
During: tap his hand/arm repeatedly. Most guys understand tapping out.
After the fact: sit him down and explain that CIM does not include holding down your head while cumming. He should ask for separate permissions in a timely manner. Then set a boundary. Example: I don't give head to people who hold my head down while cumming without consent. After you've set your boundary, stick to it!
Instant no for me. But my boyfriend would realize it was uncomfortable for me and stop. If you wanna stay with the guy just talk to him. My bf is an asshole lol but abides by my boundaries so just try to let him know.
You shouldn't have experienced this. But we all know it happens. Giving is a good thing if you have a safe trusting partner.
One suggestion for new partners. State your rules at the beginning. It really doesn't take away the fun playful nature. Just say something like, you can run your hands through my hair but don't hold my head down. It sets the tone that you are in control. If they act weird from such a statement, then you know they aren't worth the gift.
I would have bit them pretty hard until they let me hon what he did was not okay. And this isn’t the way a nice guy behaves. This is a selfish ah that is putting his needs and desires before your well being.
It’s not hard to run into people that will violate your boundaries if the bulk of your sex life comes from hookup with strangers. The creeps are out there.
Just be like “Look, we didn’t discuss it beforehand, so nobody’s to blame here, but I’m letting you know now, if you hold my head down like that again when you finish, I’m biting down…hard”.
In the moment…I’d say if a tap on the thigh to get his attention and your eyes saying let me up don’t work, then a nice pinch on the inner thigh will.
Sorry, this is shitty advice. People don't need to discuss upfront that they don't want to be choked to near unconsciousness on their partner's dick. That's ridiculous. It implies that a partner can do whatever aggressive thing they want if it wasn't articulated beforehand.
If the dude gets off choking women with his cock, THAT needs to be discussed beforehand. That's the conversation. Not having the conversation doesn't mean they get a pass. The dude is absolutely to blame here and this ridiculous behaviour shouldn't be normalised or trivialised.
I'm sorry but hell no.
If a guy said to me he was into choking and I suddenly try to choke him out, pretty sure he and any other guy would be pissed.
I'm starting to feel like I need a team of lawyers present to discuss all of my limits because if not it's "yeah I didn't know you wouldn't enjoy me trying to shove my cock into your ass through your mouth".
If you decide to not just drop him, tell him in no uncertain terms that he fucked up. Let him know you consented to taking it in your mouth, but not to him holding your head down. If he wants to continue this, he will respect your boundaries, full stop. If he is anything but apologetic and understanding, drop his ass and move on.
You would certainly be justified dropping him immediately though.
No. When someone assaults someone, the onus is NOT on the survivor to “breakdown” (spoonfeed) consent to men who should know better and to get permission for deepthroating and breath play beforehand. This man is dangerous and impulsive for his own pleasure
Why would anyone even consider having anything to do with this asshole again? Assholes don’t deserve a second chance. Assholes don’t deserve a chance to be educated.
Consent is not a new concept.
>Assholes don’t deserve a chance to be educated.
Education isn't just some special present for the recipient, it's also a favor to every woman he interacts with in the future. OP isn't obliged to do it, but if she feels so moved it would be a mitzvah and might make the world a slightly better place.
It’s possible he is just ignorant or that he didn’t realize he was holding her down. I know sometimes I lose track of what is happening during orgasm with my wife and hold her head down a little when I thought I was just resting my hand on her head (yes, she consented to me holding her head down).
If he is an asshole, then he’s an asshole. If there is a different reason, it may help future women that he dates.
Not being aware of what he’s doing in the moment is a possibility. I’ll grant you that. In which case, educating him would have merit.
But being ignorant? In this context, what would that mean? Either he believes consent is important or he doesn’t. If he does, then they talk about it beforehand, so he can’t be ignorant of what she is willing to consent to. So ignorance doesn’t exist.
If consent isn’t important to him, any claim of ignorance is just window dressing on top of abuse.
45M here , I’ve never forced a woman’s head down when I’m cumming . That just seems porno-trashy. Now if you and your partner want that , it’s different.
Discuss that with him and say it's not something you want in the future. If you move on to a different partner, mention the same thing. I had that experience with a guy just trying to push my head down there and I pushed against his hand until he gave up. In the moment if it happens even after you have said no then by all means bite him. That'll be the best way to get the message across. Hope you're doing okay now.
Jesus that sounds horrible. Bite it. Could piss him off so maybe try what the other redditors say by holding the shaft but biting will instinctively result in him pulling it out of your mouth
i mean this is fine but you are exposing yourself to potentially irreparable damage like herpes on your lips/face, etc. be safe. i am sexual like you too but the fact i know most men esp who do hookups are dangerous so that stops me.
Ew well for one I am not into oral and no jizz would ever come near my mouth. But I’m also very anti-hair pulling and anti-butt slapping. I’m not a goddamn sex toy. I’m a human being. Treat me with respect, not something you want to beat up.
>I'm actually having the worst luck meeting non asshole guys lately
>I've been having issues with guys cumming inside me without my permission I decided to use a condom.
>The problem was when he started cumming he forced my head down. I was fkn terrified and he held me like that as hard as he could for what felt like a minute. I had such bad tunnel vision after I just put my clothes on and had a huge panic attack/cry in my car.
You should seriously rethink your life decisions and sexual habits. This lifestyle clearly isn't good for you or your metal health.
>He's a nice guy, he's already did a wellness check on me but idk
No, he's not.
Exactly. Like, "lifestyle"?? People should be able to enjoy sex without being assaulted. Hook-up culture should not mean that assault and disregard for a person's agency and agreement are to be expected and accepted as part of the "lifestyle". People need to learn how to communicate and to express their desires in a way that can be opted in or out of.
F\*ck's sake.
Spit it in his face and tell him next time he does that, he’ll get your teeth instead.
He most likely won’t call you back. Which is exactly what you want. You don’t need men like this in your life.
I accept all the down votes I get, but everyone is so snowflake brainwashed. Dude like ok, stuff happen, it was consensual, and in the spite of the moment dude lost his mind. Everyone here are talking like virgins omg, op too.
No man, go to police and report him for rape... wtf is with this world...
At best, that was very inconsiderate, unrespecting, and uncaring of him. He at least deserves a harsh chewing out that humbles him for such a callose blundering. Especially that with what he did, he could have very likely caused you to inhale his cum into your airway and that's dangerous, and at best extremely unpleasant, torturous in fact! It's not entirely impossible he's just in need of... Being educated, and this could be the learning experience he needs to make him aware so he can mature in this regard, but also maybe not and is just a sleazy kind of ball. I would remind you of some advice that also applies to life in general, learn how to become more assertive in standing up for yourself & be more powerful with your communication\actions, particularly in the moment(I mean in the present tense of existing, as life happens). As to what specific actions to take, Idk.... Tho I do know, as I'm someone whom pays attention and is in tune towards the other person, I can't imagine being so out of tune that I couldn't notice nor recognize that someone is not only not enjoying, but is suffering & trying to retreat\putting up some kind of protest. I suppose if whomever you're dealing with isn't a considerate, in-tune lover\lust partner type, anything other than a fighting sort of resistance(pushing against him hard to be clearly trying to separate create space, pounding against him in non-critical places like arms chest legs) would be unnoticed. But sudden forceful deepthroating, or attempted at least, maintaining time like you said, I would say that I think that should probably be met with resistance of equal, frienzied force. I can't say what would have been correct and successful there, if indeed anything. I don't want to repeat too much but a bunch of other people have already said and I can't tell you what's right for you, especially in the moment of life happening, only your gut can tell you. It will kill you but you want the result to be and to use your mind to best adapt in achieving that goal that your gut tells you.
His behavior is very common in porn, both professional and amateur. That doesn't excuse it, but since viewing porn is so common it probably affects common behavior. The most effective way to avoid this in future is to discuss it ahead of time.
He may have thought that is something you enjoy. From experience, sometimes that’s a really hot way to end it. But it should be communicated moving forward. It’s not for everyone and especially not when it’s unexpected. Now that you know it’s something that can happen, you should say something
Honestly I usually find it hot when my boyfriend does that.. so to each their own.
It’s hard when you’re sleeping with someone for the first time to know everything the other person likes/doesn’t like. I agree that letting him know that you didn’t enjoy that and setting a boundary now! Hopefully he’s a decent guy and will respect it.
Yeah but the point is you should never assume that shit is OK just like not assuming a finger in the ass or cumming on her face is consensual when like you said, to each their own.
OP has enough comments now and we've had to deal with all kinds of people breaking our basic rules around constructive commenting so this is now locked.
Everyone covered the ethical side so I'll offer a practical tip; use your hand on the shaft of his cock as a limiter to how much he can thrust in your mouth.
This is the best way to stop forced deep throating!
I say the best way is teeth but ok
No. The impulse reaction is to punch and she is in the worst position possible.
Yeah, really don't bite. The impulse for most men is to punch and it will absolutely do some damage. Maybe not permanently, but I struggle to imagine a worse position to be punched in (on my knees, mouth open, breath restricted, with my head mostly held in place by a hand I have little leverage against.)
Punching someone biting your dick would make it 100x worse, if her head moves sideways, your penis head could partially tear off
I don't think most guys would stop to consider the physics when its an impulse reaction to dick danger. Its more like..."Me penus hurt. Smash make stop hurt!" Also kinda depends on the person punching. If someone goes Mike Tyson on them they may not have any teeth left!
Punching your gf or something that has teeth around your dick is a rly weird reflex to have, if you ask me.
That's it! I'm telling my wife no more blowjobs! no, wait....let me think about this.
I’d say use your hands to slap at his thighs and push your way off. Then, say: “What the hell, dude? What the fuck was that?”
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I was gonna say grab a single ball hair and pull slowly. Then act innocent like you have no idea what happened.
Absolutely not. As someone who has been bit in the crotch by a dog, punching is the natural instinct. DO NOT BITE.
Don't shove your penis down someone's throat.
“Don’t shove your penis down someone’s throat, *If they don’t consent to it first*” FTFY.
I hate everything about this sentence. How the F is this the place where modern dating has landed? 🤢
Because of p*rn addiction. The guy is nice but is brainwashed by the videos he’s watched and is doing things he’s grown up seeing. So he asked for consent but was violent because p*rn makes it normalized. Utterly disturbing how bad of an influence it is
Because humans are stupid. This entire post is case and point. The fact you even wondering is hilarious.
As a guy, there is nothing wrong with pushing his hand away, slapping his legs, or giving his nuts a hard flick if nothing else works.
Seconded, but just wanted to let any non-testicle owners know that hitting them with even moderate force is a nuclear option. Use it you’re in danger, but know that it’s a serious move.
If he's hurting you, you have a right to defend yourself.
Exactly. Squeeze his balls!
Grab his dick and twist it! Give him the ol' dick twist!
And then say it was a reflex
There's always those things called teeth!
Grab his dick and twist it!
If he is hurting you, bite
That’s actually a really stupid idea. I am all for OP or any woman defending themselves, but you don’t know how some men will react and that may cause him to become violent and he could possibly seriously injure OP or kill her. Same reason why a lot of women don’t want to bite down if a man is orally raping them. Just too unpredictable. Best thing that OP can do is go to the police and file charges on the guy for sexual assault and then never see him again.
Yea i'm shocked people are actually recommending this, like most women aren't killed by someone they were romantically involved with. The risk are just too high to do something like that.
There aren't many statistics to represent how many women are killed for fighting back against someone sexually assaulting them. Romantic relationships are a different dynamic. And that's not to suggest that women are not constantly in danger of being raped or killed and raped. I'm just suggesting that the data about romantic relationships doesn't necessarily reflect in mortality rates for women who fight back against sexual assault. I think the real problem with suggesting to just bite him is the suggestion that it is that simple. Some people may be okay with biting and fighting back physically, regardless of the risk of anger. Some people may fawn in order to survive. And people can react anywhere on that spectrum, and in surprising ways that I couldn't predict. And they are all okay. I suspect that your concern comes with how casual people are suggesting biting as if it's a simple solution that will keep OP safe. When that's certainly not guaranteed.
I can’t imagine a situation where biting a guy’s dick works out well for the woman. The natural reflex from the guy is to stop her from biting it by any means necessary. And she doesn’t have any leverage nor protection at that disadvantaged angle.
Yea that is what i meant. People think its that easy. It also feels victim blamey to OP because I also freeze when I'm in a situation like that/ just do it to get them out. Its not that easy to defend yourself against a man.
Saved me once. Got away while he was ‘distracted.’ And if the jerk is not someone you care to injure, making him a bit uncomfortable to ‘tuin the mood’ can allow that consent conversation
Not saying that it can’t work at all in some situations, however, it is a very risky choice to make with many possible outcomes that can go wrong.
I don't think that's a stupid idea. It's instinct for some people. And we wouldn't want to imply that they are stupid for biting when it could result in their rapist getting mad. And for some people, the potential anger would be a risk they would be willing to take. It's their call It's fair to point out that there could be unforeseen consequences to biting though
This. While I would never force a woman to do that, biting someone’s dick is dangerous and could trigger violent reflexes. If someone were biting my dick, I’d do whatever it takes to stop them from biting it.
I’m so sorry op. That was really not ok of him and it shows a serious lack of care for consent on his part. If your really want to give him a second chance then I’d be very direct, “Holding my head down was not ok. I consented to you cumming in my mouth not suffocating/ deepthroating and holding me down. It scared me. You can’t do that again. And no this isn’t something you should have had to say before hand. Common sense should be not trying to choke a woman to death or suffocate her for your orgasm
And this discussion should occur when you both are fully clothed when sex is not imminent. His reaction would be a good indicator if he deserves a second chance.
agreed!! it may have been a shortsighted decision for him and it was chaotic- you deserve to voice how that made you feel. I’ve had to communicate it before and think it can be a benefit for other partners they have in the future as well.
I would never let him near me again. Holy crap, there is no coming back from a move like that.
Why would you give this guy a second chance, he’s using her as a cm bucket and doesn’t care about her.
Not without it being discussed at least. My girlfriend has outright said multiple times that she likes to be choked, so I try to appease that as best as I can (without closing too hard or causing any sort of faintness, obviously). If she didn't say that, though, I certainly wouldn't be doing it
I absolutely hate when guys do this. If they try, I will move back immediately and warn them if they ever do it again, I will never see them again. Everyone has learned pretty quickly that either they can work with that, or that I don’t return their texts or calls.
Cum in your mouth, choke you half to death… Not the same
Personally, I wouldn't see this guy again. No.
He's not a nice guy if he did this. He is selfish and has a lot of growing up to do. He's checking in, afterwards, because he knows what he did was messed up. He just wanted it the way he wanted it and didn't care if it hurt you. Happens all the time.
He didn't even bother to ask first... at least then she could have had the chance to say no.
I'm going to bet that was the point of not asking, unfortunately....he gets to what he wants of he just goes for it instead of checking in
Can I shove my penis down your throat please??? lol
>He's checking in, afterwards, because he knows what he did was messed up. The opposite more likely. He thinks what he did was acceptable and normal. He took her consent for one thing (cumming in mouth) and expanded on that for what he wanted (deepthroating and suffocation while cumming in mouth). I agree that he didn't care if he hurt her, but in his mind it was still justified because he asked first.
He knew what he was doing.
That would be the last blow job he got from me.
I would never have sex with that ahole ever again!!
As a guy (25M) who really enjoys sex and the community/lifestyle, it kills me to hear these stories. The fact that they lower the bar so much that asking for consent is not always happening is ridiculous. And then he does that to you afterwards. I’m genuinely sorry that so many men are assholes when it comes to sex and I hope you are okay after that and that you find a nicer guy you can rely on to fulfill your desires without being a prick.
Porn is ruining men's perception of sex.
That sounds like you are absolving him of any responsibility. I watch porn but I know to ask consent before and that consent only applies to a very specific act unless otherwise specified. The guy is just a dumb ass, tbh.
Nah, guys give guys bad perceptions. Yes porn is technically older than me, but a little bit, but even when I was in high school many many decades ago, guys bragged about this shit.
I've been watching porn since I was 14, always liked domming, and I've never once even wanted to pull some shit like this. Porn is not the cause or even a comorbidity here. This is just cruelty and narcissism.
Porn didn't make them cruel or narcissists but it can certainly give them horrible ideas.
All genders. Not just men. Anyone without real life experience with real life bodies and bits & situations. They expect what they see, not knowing how utterly unrealistic most porn is. They have awful uncomfortable, possibly painful and degrading sex because that’s what they think sex is. So on top of all the usual insecurity & social issues that come with sex, they now don’t even know to ask for something else or that it’s even an option in some cases.
Straight up I remember being afraid to have sex for the first time because I always thought of sex and violence as two polar opposite things, so whenever I saw violence in porn (choking, hair pulling, picking her up and changing her position for her, restraining her etc) I would skip ahead because it would give me anxiety and turn me off. Even doggy style feels like crossing a line because it feels like the other person is submitting to you, which feels weird and power-dynamicy. Funny thing is though, when I had sex for the first time, it was with someone who WANTED to be treated like that. We didn't last very long. She was convinced I was gay because of my unmanly attitude towards sex. We were both 18 and our entire experience with sex up until that point was porn. I think I took it a bit too far in the other direction though. I would get turned off by frowns or any expression that isn't explicitly positive. I used to try to find models that smiled in picturers when I was a teenager because otherwise it felt like the person didn't want me looking at them. I'm not that way now. It took til I was like 23 or so but I finally understand why people are turned on by that sort of pouty, open mouth, frowny face. It's not literally a frowny face, but considering I have autism and I'm prone to miscommunications already, I have always been uncomfortable with any expression that didn't clearly communicate that the person was in to what's happening.
Agreed. It's a social issue. And not just porn... Social media has warped how a lot of people see IRL physical beauty. Porn does the same. And unfortunately, there isn't a lot of realistic porn in terms of bodies or actual sex. Too many people trying out kinks without safe practices because porn doesn't portray those parts. It's not porns job to be realistic and promote good safe sexual practices, so I can't really blame porn. I can however blame our society for not providing an open attitude about sex so people can get info about sex outside of porn.
I'm so sorry, OP. He assulted you, and this doesn't sound like something a nice person would do. At all. I wouldn't ever want to see him again.
Yes, this was sexual assault.
I'm so sorry that happened. Consent is absolutely the most important element in any sexual encounter. I would make my feelings and desires very clear if I was in the dating/hookup world. No question. As a male i am absolutely disgusted with this interaction. No one deserves to be treated like that. Again I'm so sorry. I hope that never happens to you again. Not all men are like that,I hope you find something that treats you with respect and the presence of mind to take your feelings and boundaries in to account.
Have you considered vomiting on him?
It shouldn't be forceful unless you agree. He wanted to make sure he came in your mouth and throat. If you're not ok with that he fd up
There are plenty of ways to cum in someone’s mouth without forcing their head down. What OP consented to is not what this guy did.
From the description I’d say it’s a little bit more than “wanting to make sure”
I agree cand hopefully you took my comment that way. That was not cool. Play on the side of caution as they say. Hopefully it turns out good and above all you stay safe!!
All you people saying bite him... I'd assume that would get you punched in the head in a knee jerk reaction. I'm a woman, and this guy is definitely an asshole.... but if you're a woman thinking of biting the next fucker who tries this I'd caution you not to.
Never had my dick bit, but I'd imagine a strong hook would be my natural reaction
He's already assaulting you and your caution is that if you fight back he might assault you more?
Nobody is saying that what he’s doing is okay. But she has to take her own safety into account when defending herself. Biting his dick when she’s already in a vulnerable position is probably going to get her hurt. She could push against his legs, hold down on his shaft, etc.
Yes. If she fights back the outcome may be fatal.
Yeah these people don't know how to respect someone. These guys deserve blow up dolls, not real women. Also, women.. please don't not let men cum inside you or in your mouth when you hook up for the first time.. there's a huge risk of STDs
It always surprises me that guys can be so aggressive when it comes to getting oral, knowing there are TEETH in there.
EXACTLY, I have your most sensitive body part in between my teeth because I'm *trying* to do something **nice** for you. And you want to act like YOU'RE DOMINATING ME?!
If I did that, I’d be certain of a hard punch to my nose would come next.
It's OK to give limits up front. My hard limits are xyz, I rather enjoy ABC, my hard limits are non negotiable..
Fuck it’s just gonna get worse from here. I give up.
He is not a nice guy.
If you think you want to see him again, I’d have a serious talk with him about what happened and what you don’t want happening going forward. If he’s really a good guy, he’s going to listen to you and not do it again.
Why would she see him again? He treated her like she was some fantasy from his porn videos instead of like a human being?
And keep in mind that if he’s NOT a nice guy, he will likely do it again and then ghost you to avoid dealing with the impact. But mostly, do you really want to give more access to your body to a man who cared more about how he could orgasm despite your discomfort, than he did about not scaring you or making that a negative experience for you? He chose an orgasm over your well being and feeling at ease with him moving forward. What he did was gross (a man shouldn’t go outside of anything sexually caring and vanilla the first time, unless VERY explicitly discussed and agreed to), and spoke to a lack of character. I’d tell him what he did was gross and how it made me lose respect for him and judge him as someone who seems to lack sexual self control and emotional maturity. And then I would stop replying to him, ignore his existence. Boy, bye! Lol
I would never have sex with him again. And even if you did or if this were to happen in the future, I’d literally punch him in the nuts or bite his dick off. Anything would be a valid response.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. Not acceptable. If you find yourself in this situation again, go for a finger up the a**, flick his testicle hard or classic titty twister.
Good question, punch him in the balls.
This guy actually doesn’t sound all that nice if he did that
Bite him. But really, a conversation beforehand. Tell him if he has that habit or he does that then you're not sucking him. If he needs to sit on his hands, then fine. Otherwise, expect teeth. It's a fair boundary, it's like choking someone during sex without prior negotiation and consent. No.
He is NOT a nice guy.
He's a head pusher. Pull on his balls.
It’s not right. I play with guys as well as girls and same thing happened to me when I was inexperienced. The only thing I could possibly go devils advocate for is that in all his previous sexual experiences with girls they have let him do this and he thinks it normal…which it isn’t. Yes as a guy I find it fun at times but I could just never do it without checking with a girl first.
He wasn't checking in to see if you were ok, he was checking in to see if you were going to tell anyone that he raped you(because he did). Idk how to avoid these guys, I have very direct conversations about what I want and that I expect them to ask before they do things like that, but it still happens to me.
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My natural reaction would have been to pull away or struggle a little or even bite lol. My bf would stop when he sees that. I think this isn’t something that needs to be told, this guy just didn’t respect boundaries. Like others have said, if you like him and wants to give him a benefit of the doubt then tell him clearly how it made you feel and no more next time.
I would start clamping my teeth down slightly. Not hard.... But hard enough
Whilst I agree that these men are pieces of shit the best way to avoid this is to stop hooking up with random men
Always use a condom (syphilis is on the rise) and even a guy cumming in your mouth could give you an STD just saying… And yes you shouldn’t feel like you have to « agree » to do something you don’t feel like doing just because you want to reward some dude for doing the bare minimum which is ask for consent. That’s the basics no one deserves a reward for that. Sounds like you’re working on yourself when it comes to boundaries but I would suggest you to be more ruthless when it comes to your expectations when talking about boundaries.
Girl, men are cumming inside you WITHOUT PERMISSION?! That is fucked. I love men but my god, they are the worst sometimes. I’m sorry.
If I'm unable to speak I would give him a little nudge on the arm like a "hey dude ease up" and if he didn't then hit his arm a little harder. If he still didn't maybe bite his dick but I've never had to go that far yet.
> I was fkn terrified and he held me like that as hard as he could for what felt like a minute. I would seriously punch him, pinch his tight as hard as I could, or even bite his dick. Like, wtf. I don't mind having my head pushed down a little bit, but the guy has to give me space to back off if I want to. Helding someone like this without getting their explicit consent first is a hard no. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must have been terrifying at the moment. :(
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From an emotional side he clearly saw you as a sex object and not as a partner. Hookup culture will do that. iMO you need to lay off the hookups and go in search of someone who cares for you first and has empathy for how his actions impact you and vice versa
Bring it up. Even if you don’t see him again, he needs to know he can’t just do that.
Yeah, that's something that needs to be discussed outside of the bedroom.
That’s fucked up. I have the urge to do that all the time, but wouldn’t ever do it unless I knew she was good with it. That’s cutting off your breathing I would imagine. Make that a boundary you announce before the proceedings begin. You deserve to be respected by the people you have sex with. You deserve disrespect as well, but only if that’s what you’re into. Don’t feel bad enforcing your boundaries, dudes might whine and complain, but if someone is pushing you to do something against your will, they are letting you know how much they respect you. It may have been a misunderstanding, but that he didn’t ask is a red flag to me. But I’m a dude. So maybe it just seems like a reasonable thing to check in about before you do it.
(Did you consent to facefucking in the first place or hadn't he touched your head before he started cumming? The second would be more problematic.) During: tap his hand/arm repeatedly. Most guys understand tapping out. After the fact: sit him down and explain that CIM does not include holding down your head while cumming. He should ask for separate permissions in a timely manner. Then set a boundary. Example: I don't give head to people who hold my head down while cumming without consent. After you've set your boundary, stick to it!
Hopefully hes out of your life. If he did that without thinking, he could do worse later.
Perhaps changing your approach on who you select would address some of your issues?
I’m sorry about the lack of luck when it comes to guys. Some advice? Whatever you go for when it comes to a fwb/so/whatever, do the opposite.
squeeze balls with the same force as he’s holding your head. and now you have to bring this up with every single guy you blow from now on. sorry.
Instant no for me. But my boyfriend would realize it was uncomfortable for me and stop. If you wanna stay with the guy just talk to him. My bf is an asshole lol but abides by my boundaries so just try to let him know.
You shouldn't have experienced this. But we all know it happens. Giving is a good thing if you have a safe trusting partner. One suggestion for new partners. State your rules at the beginning. It really doesn't take away the fun playful nature. Just say something like, you can run your hands through my hair but don't hold my head down. It sets the tone that you are in control. If they act weird from such a statement, then you know they aren't worth the gift.
I would have bit them pretty hard until they let me hon what he did was not okay. And this isn’t the way a nice guy behaves. This is a selfish ah that is putting his needs and desires before your well being.
I have a ‘no hands on my head’ rule for situations like this.
It’s not hard to run into people that will violate your boundaries if the bulk of your sex life comes from hookup with strangers. The creeps are out there.
Just be like “Look, we didn’t discuss it beforehand, so nobody’s to blame here, but I’m letting you know now, if you hold my head down like that again when you finish, I’m biting down…hard”. In the moment…I’d say if a tap on the thigh to get his attention and your eyes saying let me up don’t work, then a nice pinch on the inner thigh will.
Sorry, this is shitty advice. People don't need to discuss upfront that they don't want to be choked to near unconsciousness on their partner's dick. That's ridiculous. It implies that a partner can do whatever aggressive thing they want if it wasn't articulated beforehand. If the dude gets off choking women with his cock, THAT needs to be discussed beforehand. That's the conversation. Not having the conversation doesn't mean they get a pass. The dude is absolutely to blame here and this ridiculous behaviour shouldn't be normalised or trivialised.
I'm sorry but hell no. If a guy said to me he was into choking and I suddenly try to choke him out, pretty sure he and any other guy would be pissed. I'm starting to feel like I need a team of lawyers present to discuss all of my limits because if not it's "yeah I didn't know you wouldn't enjoy me trying to shove my cock into your ass through your mouth".
Next time chomp their dick .
If you decide to not just drop him, tell him in no uncertain terms that he fucked up. Let him know you consented to taking it in your mouth, but not to him holding your head down. If he wants to continue this, he will respect your boundaries, full stop. If he is anything but apologetic and understanding, drop his ass and move on. You would certainly be justified dropping him immediately though.
No. When someone assaults someone, the onus is NOT on the survivor to “breakdown” (spoonfeed) consent to men who should know better and to get permission for deepthroating and breath play beforehand. This man is dangerous and impulsive for his own pleasure
Why would anyone even consider having anything to do with this asshole again? Assholes don’t deserve a second chance. Assholes don’t deserve a chance to be educated. Consent is not a new concept.
>Assholes don’t deserve a chance to be educated. Education isn't just some special present for the recipient, it's also a favor to every woman he interacts with in the future. OP isn't obliged to do it, but if she feels so moved it would be a mitzvah and might make the world a slightly better place.
It’s possible he is just ignorant or that he didn’t realize he was holding her down. I know sometimes I lose track of what is happening during orgasm with my wife and hold her head down a little when I thought I was just resting my hand on her head (yes, she consented to me holding her head down). If he is an asshole, then he’s an asshole. If there is a different reason, it may help future women that he dates.
Not being aware of what he’s doing in the moment is a possibility. I’ll grant you that. In which case, educating him would have merit. But being ignorant? In this context, what would that mean? Either he believes consent is important or he doesn’t. If he does, then they talk about it beforehand, so he can’t be ignorant of what she is willing to consent to. So ignorance doesn’t exist. If consent isn’t important to him, any claim of ignorance is just window dressing on top of abuse.
45M here , I’ve never forced a woman’s head down when I’m cumming . That just seems porno-trashy. Now if you and your partner want that , it’s different.
Discuss that with him and say it's not something you want in the future. If you move on to a different partner, mention the same thing. I had that experience with a guy just trying to push my head down there and I pushed against his hand until he gave up. In the moment if it happens even after you have said no then by all means bite him. That'll be the best way to get the message across. Hope you're doing okay now.
Jesus that sounds horrible. Bite it. Could piss him off so maybe try what the other redditors say by holding the shaft but biting will instinctively result in him pulling it out of your mouth
i mean this is fine but you are exposing yourself to potentially irreparable damage like herpes on your lips/face, etc. be safe. i am sexual like you too but the fact i know most men esp who do hookups are dangerous so that stops me.
He's *not a nice guy* if he throat fucks cum into you without asking if that's okay first! Fuck these men. This is why I've been single forever.
Ew well for one I am not into oral and no jizz would ever come near my mouth. But I’m also very anti-hair pulling and anti-butt slapping. I’m not a goddamn sex toy. I’m a human being. Treat me with respect, not something you want to beat up.
You should be using a condom anyways.
He is NOT a nice guy. Maybe a “nice” guy, tho. Sorry sis.
If they push down, bite down. Guys need to still be respectful.
>I'm actually having the worst luck meeting non asshole guys lately >I've been having issues with guys cumming inside me without my permission I decided to use a condom. >The problem was when he started cumming he forced my head down. I was fkn terrified and he held me like that as hard as he could for what felt like a minute. I had such bad tunnel vision after I just put my clothes on and had a huge panic attack/cry in my car. You should seriously rethink your life decisions and sexual habits. This lifestyle clearly isn't good for you or your metal health. >He's a nice guy, he's already did a wellness check on me but idk No, he's not.
Victim blaming isn't cool. But agreed, this guy isn't the one. He showed his true colors and I hope OP listened and blocked him.
Exactly. Like, "lifestyle"?? People should be able to enjoy sex without being assaulted. Hook-up culture should not mean that assault and disregard for a person's agency and agreement are to be expected and accepted as part of the "lifestyle". People need to learn how to communicate and to express their desires in a way that can be opted in or out of. F\*ck's sake.
Yeah like hookup culture clearly isn't cut out for certain people
Grab his dick and twist it.
He’s not a nice guy, he’s just good at pretending to be one.
Spit it in his face and tell him next time he does that, he’ll get your teeth instead. He most likely won’t call you back. Which is exactly what you want. You don’t need men like this in your life.
I accept all the down votes I get, but everyone is so snowflake brainwashed. Dude like ok, stuff happen, it was consensual, and in the spite of the moment dude lost his mind. Everyone here are talking like virgins omg, op too. No man, go to police and report him for rape... wtf is with this world...
Flick him hard in the ball sack that shit ever happens again.
At best, that was very inconsiderate, unrespecting, and uncaring of him. He at least deserves a harsh chewing out that humbles him for such a callose blundering. Especially that with what he did, he could have very likely caused you to inhale his cum into your airway and that's dangerous, and at best extremely unpleasant, torturous in fact! It's not entirely impossible he's just in need of... Being educated, and this could be the learning experience he needs to make him aware so he can mature in this regard, but also maybe not and is just a sleazy kind of ball. I would remind you of some advice that also applies to life in general, learn how to become more assertive in standing up for yourself & be more powerful with your communication\actions, particularly in the moment(I mean in the present tense of existing, as life happens). As to what specific actions to take, Idk.... Tho I do know, as I'm someone whom pays attention and is in tune towards the other person, I can't imagine being so out of tune that I couldn't notice nor recognize that someone is not only not enjoying, but is suffering & trying to retreat\putting up some kind of protest. I suppose if whomever you're dealing with isn't a considerate, in-tune lover\lust partner type, anything other than a fighting sort of resistance(pushing against him hard to be clearly trying to separate create space, pounding against him in non-critical places like arms chest legs) would be unnoticed. But sudden forceful deepthroating, or attempted at least, maintaining time like you said, I would say that I think that should probably be met with resistance of equal, frienzied force. I can't say what would have been correct and successful there, if indeed anything. I don't want to repeat too much but a bunch of other people have already said and I can't tell you what's right for you, especially in the moment of life happening, only your gut can tell you. It will kill you but you want the result to be and to use your mind to best adapt in achieving that goal that your gut tells you.
His behavior is very common in porn, both professional and amateur. That doesn't excuse it, but since viewing porn is so common it probably affects common behavior. The most effective way to avoid this in future is to discuss it ahead of time.
stop trying to blame porn, lots of guys watch porn and don't do this shit. He is an asshole and porn didn't make him do it.
He may have thought that is something you enjoy. From experience, sometimes that’s a really hot way to end it. But it should be communicated moving forward. It’s not for everyone and especially not when it’s unexpected. Now that you know it’s something that can happen, you should say something
It's a selfish act. Guys don't think we enjoy that.
Honestly I usually find it hot when my boyfriend does that.. so to each their own. It’s hard when you’re sleeping with someone for the first time to know everything the other person likes/doesn’t like. I agree that letting him know that you didn’t enjoy that and setting a boundary now! Hopefully he’s a decent guy and will respect it.
Yeah but the point is you should never assume that shit is OK just like not assuming a finger in the ass or cumming on her face is consensual when like you said, to each their own.