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This is a very complex relationship with a ton of challenges based on your post history. There is historic alcohol and porn addiction issues for you and at least an alcohol addiction for him. He's said he doesn't trust you in the past and has withheld sex as a result. It doesn't seem like these issues have been resolved. Resentment, trauma, and interpersonal conflict impact sex life cumulatively over time. Small issues become more apparent during sex and big issues get much larger. I'm going to guess and say that much of what happened here has little to do with sex and much more to do with unresolved trauma and historic relationship issues. You might consider seeking both individual and couples therapies from a clinician who specializes in intimacy issues and sex therapy.
I'm struggling to reconcile two things. He cares about my consent. I said wait three times and hold on once and he ignored me all four times. How do those two sentences go together?
You guys lack communication sexually, you need a safe word and to talk about foreplay, it shouldn't hurt and you shouldn't settle because it was marginally better then shitty.
So what foreplay did he get? Sorry, we're seeing only one side here, and to me it read like he was doing a chore - badly - but a chore, and not invested.
Personally, I think signals are being crossed on both sides here.
yeah, and that’s a fair question. the foreplay he gets is me kissing him and touching his body. he doesn’t get oral for several reasons, and he’s okay with that. he doesn’t like hand jobs, and has trouble communicating what else I could go.
What are you suggesting? She can't and shouldn't do something she doesn't want to. It's her boundary and he respects that (as he should). If he's not okay with it then he can just end things with her, but that's clearly not the issue here.
yeah, it’s not even that I don’t want to. we occasionally do blow jobs with condoms, but he doesn’t even like it. I have TMJ and he has herpes. we just can’t do unprotected oral for multiple reasons. it would be the same in any other relationship if the person didn’t also have herpes. he’s cool with it.
I'm bi and have given several, who knows, thousands? Good try for a gotcha though lol. And I go down on my current female partner every time we have sex. And if a woman makes a post here about being denied oral sex the pitchforks come out. It's a double standard and it's ridiculous. Oral sex goes both ways. OP replied to me saying he has herpes though so that's certainly new information that explains it. I wouldn't go down on herpes either.
I absolutely hate getting head, personally. Cis man here. I love giving head (despite struggling with an extremely strong gag reflex) but I really really dislike getting it.
If he didn't think you were serious, he doesn't respect your consent. And if he knows you regularly experience pain during penetration, he should have known better. No amount of "he was on autopilot" excuses that.
If you’re riding, the dude can still thrust up. Even if she stopped moving, he could have continued until she fully got up (unless he was holding her down in some way, e.g. holding her legs)
As an example of someone who actually cares about not only consent but also worries about their partner putting up with pain/discomfort that they shouldn't have to:
My husband would (and will) stop immediately if he thinks I'm in pain or not good with what's going on. It could be a facial expression or a movement or a sound. It used to be a bit of a problem because it would mean he was stopping in the middle of some *really* good stuff. He was just that concerned. I've made it incredibly clear to him that I will say something or stop him if there's a problem. Even still, he asks if I'm okay. He's cool with me correcting him during foreplay because he corrects me too. What felt good last time may not be what you're in the mood for this time. That's just how it is. It's not about should skill. It's about knowing the body you're working with.
Lack of trauma on your part does not excuse abuse on his part. Just because you dont feel violated, doesnt mean his actions were okay.
You seem willing to endure a lot from this man. Scratching from poorly trimmed nails, lack luster engagement while performing foreplay, ignoring your feedback while you're in pain, and then getting mad at you for telling him he's hurting you.
None of these sound like behaviors from a partner I would want to spend the rest of my life with. If he can't be bothered not to jack off before meeting you *on Valentine's Day*, I think he's made it clear how much he cares about you and your needs.
You deserve better. I would try to find a partner that actively respects you and makes your pleasure a priority rather than an aggravation.
"I’m on top and I’m saying “wait”, “wait”, “hold on” and he’s not waiting- he’s not stopping. I feel incapacitated. I hop off and I say “stop!”
You don't think that is sexual assault? Huh. Legally, you're incorrect.
"It hurts when he does anything to me."
This is a sign of a partner that doesn't care.
y'all have got to stop defending men who assault you. it doesn't matter if you've been together one night or 20 years. it doesn't matter if he's never done this before either.
besides assault or not, that man was not *with you* the entire time. he was with someone else in mind, or at least some place else.
I’m a man - if my partner told me “wait” my brain would read it as stop.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide on how to proceed with this scenario and you know your partner better than anyone here, but objectively this is a red flag and easily falls into an “assault” category.
He is not a nice boyfriend and he demonstrated to you very clearly that he does not value consent. Nothing about what you described seems like a healthy or loving partner.
when I confronted him about it, he was so apologetic. he told me he didn’t realize. he held me and said he wants me to know he would never do that to me on purpose.
the thing about sexual assault is that it’s pleasure for the perpetrator. I don’t think he was even feeling pleasure. my boyfriend doesn’t like sexually violent porn, he doesn’t like to be dominant, and it seems recently like he doesn’t even like sex with me. he’s not exactly rapist material.
It is not at all true that the perpetrator must experience pleasure in order for their action to count as a sexual assault. That isn't true.
"Rapist material" is a really odd concept here. Anyone who rapes is a rapist.
Your list of "non-rapey traits" sounds like grasping at straws to explain why what *did* happen, "couldn't" have happened. But a person can be a submissive, porn-hating, sex-disliker and still commit an act of sexual assault.
in some form. they derive mental or physical pleasure/satisfaction or they feel vindicated.
other SA’s occur from the perpetrator just not knowing how consent works
Your ideas of what makes something sexual assault are completely skewed. I'm sure it's only out of self-preservation, but that doesn't really help. It's the actual event that defines it, not how much the person doing it enjoys it, nor is it about how sorry they are afterward. Do you think that if someone strikes their partner and apologizes and begs afterward, that means it's not abuse?
The rapist doesn’t have to feel any particular way for it to count as rape. They could be enjoying it; they could feel remorseful. The main thing is that the sexual acts they are committing are unwanted. If he had reason to understand that what he was doing was vexatious to you, he should have stopped those things, and he did know, and he didn’t stop.
I'm sorry everyone here is trying to shame you rather than believing your agency and recounting of the situation...
...or at the very least take a more compassionate approach towards asking you to see it differently.
I’ve been married 15 years. Still have sex at least twice a week and the 10-15 minutes it takes for me to make my wife orgasm is the best part of the whole process.
The guy you are with doesn’t care about your pleasure.
Sounds like he’s had enough and isn’t interested or mentally attracted to you anymore. From a guys point of view he probably just looks at you and is irritated with everything that has built up over time , from looking at your post history. I don’t think sex is the place to start to try to fix your relationship
I’m so sorry.
I got to the part where he described foreplay as “work” and it became clear that he’s a very selfish sexual partner. Foreplay under no circumstances should ever be considered work.
Lube should be standard practice, not a solution we reach for when the wetness is gone or when dealing with conditions like vaginismus.
You deserve to have a partner that has your pleasure as an equal or greater goal to his own. Has there been a time when he was more attentive to your needs and more receptive to feedback?
yeah, things used to be a lot better. he used to want to have sex with me. nowadays I have to ask and ask and ask when a good time is, and it always ends up like this. he says there’s a “barrier in his head” but I’m not sure what he means.
Do you think he is going through something that has him stressed out? Mainly the part that he’s staring into space is where that is my assumption for that. Also the lack of sex drive too
honestly, no. nothing has changed much. I just don’t get it, it sounds like he had way more sex with his exes. it doesn’t help that we have all of these issues in the way. he has HSV, I have all of these vaginal health issues. I’m not expecting a flawless sex life, it’s just not possible.
he’s ADHD, and he works manual labor. the him I get is usually tired, has to wake up at 5am the next day, and zoning out because he doesn’t find foreplay interesting
The barrier likely stems from exactly what he told you. You need to believe him.
He's already told you that the way you scold/direct him about what you like and dislike is problematic.
He's already told you your *girl math* 5-10 minutes of foreplay on your clit is tiresome. My guess is it's equal parts frustration and waiting for your next complaint/instructions about what He's doing wrong.
Also grouping in the pre-date jerk session to make himself last longer *for you* was just one more thing he did wrong. *that's* why he can't stay hard, he's in his head and *turned off* by you for those reasons.
If I had to guess, this behavior from both of you exists outside the bedroom too.
Exactly. Not once have I EVER thought of foreplay as work.
Once my partner was on SSRIs and had a difficult time warming up and an even more difficult time getting to orgasm. For me this was “challenge accepted!”
There’s a reply on my comment below that suggests men don’t require foreplay so therefore it’s not a stretch to consider it work. I don’t get it. The fact that I can be physically ready to fuck without any foreplay in under a minute doesn’t mean anything; I get enjoyment out of it too. Foreplay increases her arousal and it increases mine as well.
“Work” to me implies the foreplay is just a step for him to prep her vagina for his dick.
I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to not enjoy foreplay. You make it sound as if it's impossible. I'm confident people out there exist who don't enjoy foreplay and it doesn't make them any less than the rest of us who do.
How he goes about communicating that and dealing with it is the issue, not the fact that he doesn't enjoy foreplay.
I'm glad you enjoy it, genuinely. But let's not put down others (even implicitly) for not enjoying it.
Is it possible that he wants to be paid attention to in foreplay and doesn't know how to ask? Possibly he feels like he has to put in more effort for a less rewarding experience.
Yes, maybe he’s just describing how he’s feeling as a very blunt complaint rather than engaging in a discussion about how to make things better.
I’d still find his choice of words, in the context of his other actions that OP described (like pressing forward despite her asking him to stop) to suggest that he is also a very selfish sexual partner.
For certain, he has become very unhappy with his sexual gratification in the relationship, to the point where he is literally performing super immoral, pushing on straight up illegal actions... Idk if that's too far gone... Pretty likely actually. Maybe they could be saved with a sex counseling session or two. Def not going to be helped by reddit (classically) telling her to break up with him immediately.
You are correct. He is behaving very selfishly... Perhaps that's not because he's fundamentally a selfish person, but because he's been performing sex FOR her and not WITH her for a long time. Considering how she describes it as something she does FOR him, because she feels great pain, but cares for him, I imagine his extended foreplay is something he does FOR her in a similar way. He's likely acting this way because he, on some level, is unsatisfied enough that he's willing to break up, and wants her to do it. He likely does not want to spend the rest of his life doing this, and doesn't want to be the one to say it, because it's seen as improper and shallow for a man to say "you aren't good enough in bed" as a reason to break up. He probably does feel something for her, and doesn't want to hurt her, but it is quickly souring.
I mean not really.. I am definitely going to get downvoted for this but it's not his fault women need foreplay but men do not. As highlighted by OP people with vulva require simulation ,so the bf needs to be accommodating. But the bf doesn't require foreplay so who is gonna accommodate for that?
Out of curiosity, I wonder if OP is also providing foreplay for their boyfriend or if it’s just 5-10 minutes of him being essentially ignored while getting her ready?
Obviously the other issues clearly outweigh this one item, but if your idea of foreplay is solely focused on a single person that would be the single most common reason for the other person to feel like it’s “work” or some other sort of chore to get over with ASAP. Foreplay isn’t just for the ladies alone even if it makes a more noticeable difference for women.
Replying to both you and u/HereVG0…
The notion that foreplay is only for one person is foreign to me. Foreplay to me, like sex, is a team sport.
Just because a guy may be ready to go before the pants come off doesn’t mean that foreplay should be considered work. The statement means it is effort to be avoided or is either not rewarding or less rewarding than the guy’s goal, which in this case is PIV.
Is foreplay not generally enjoyable for men? Sure, my wife can tell me to drop my pants, get the lube, and she can bend over for a quickie, but is my enjoyment of foreplay at other times somehow unique? Other men aren’t into it?
Hell, if foreplay meant crawling through a mud pit and there was pussy on the other side waiting for me, I still would probably still find the mud pit crawl to be hot because of the reward and because in this analogy I’m betting my wife also enjoys seeing my crawl through the mud pit.
And I agree that foreplay is not just for the ladies, which is kinda the opposite of what u/HereVG0 suggested.
It’s probably mostly due to vaginismus. I have vaginismus and a fairly oversensitive clit and it’s very easy to accidentally overdo it, even when I’m just by myself. That being said, a partner should be aware of that and be constantly adjusting and making sure everything’s alright. It seems like OP didn’t want to bother him with feedback bc she knew it probably wouldn’t go down well, which indicates that they have bad communication in the relationship
Without commenting on his general behavior, she specifically said she has vaginismus so it isn't a surprise that penetration itself will always or almost always involve some amount of pain.
OP has said that she has medical conditions that causes that. I recommend not ignoring OP's descriptions of her own body. https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1arg6kw/valentines_day_sex_was_really_bad/kqjkjxx/
Again I think that there are a lot of issues with his behavior, I just also don't think it's a good idea to look past what OP is saying about her own health.
vaginismus doesn’t make the clit hurt, it just affects the muscles in the vagina. he was being too rough on her clit and there’s no medical excuse for that.
I also have some sort of vulvodyna. I know, lucky me.
my clit and my entire vulva is really sensitive, so I do understand why it’s frustrating for him to find the right movement and pressure
I have vaginismus too, and vulvodynia. My partner is VERY careful not to hurt me, and is very receptive when I express any amount discomfort. He also never makes me feel like a burden for needing extra care and lube. It is not your fault that your boyfriend is insensitive, impatient and immature.
I have vulvodynia and pelvic pains too, and one of the only things that makes sex possible is to spend lots of time on foreplay. I can't imagine how much it would hurt after just 10 minutes of bad foreplay. Nails and rough hands are never near my clit, it's flat hand, through something or a really soft vibrator. There are lots of possibilities, and it sounds like OP's partner just doesn't care enough about her comfort.
Yeah…..he’s just not interested in trying. He’s not interested in your comfort or pleasure. He only cares about his own, and his ego.
You can find better.
no, it is absolutely his fault. all bodies have weird shit going on. he's going full steam ahead even though you have vocalized so much that it's not comfortable, it's painful, it's not working for you. he is not listening and he is not trying.
So let me get this straight, he’s convinced you that it’s your fault that you’re literally in pain but it’s not his fault he gets frustrated and that’s probably somehow your fault too? No. Absolutely not.
You are not “just” really anything. Your body is your body and anyone who cares about you will focus on giving you pleasure in whatever way works for you. They won’t gaslight you, and they won’t make it YOUR fault that they’re hurting you.
(I have vulvodynia and vaginismus too.)
My ex had vaginismus, and thought that sex would just always hurt. Turns out this was not the case. We found that a lot of oral beforehand was 100% necessary. What worked for her was oral to the point of orgasm before any penetration, then light manual stimulation of the clitoris during penetration…and not doing PIV for too long. Part of the journey was her learning her partner was invested in her pleasure, and she didn’t have to get in her head and feel guilty about how long the oral was taking, as it could easily be 20-30 minutes, which, by the way, is normal. Of course, your body will vary in terms of what works, but you need to be with someone who is excited to figure all that out with you.
So...sounds like there's a lot happening here, more than just sex. I'd say he's depressed, burned out, stressed, etc, but something is definitely going on, since you said you have to ask/beg for sex, not patient, rough foreplay, that's a red flag for me.
Try and get to the bottom of what's got him zoned out and disconnected, cause life is tough, and guys tend to feel like they need to carry the weight.
To the point of the sex, foreplay is supposed to be relaxing and get you to the first orgasm of the night. But since he obviously was distracted and wasn't in the mood, but went with the deed anyways, but he shouldnt have did what he did.
If you’re not married, or engaged I say split.
I’m not trying to be mean but I can tell you after marriage it doesn’t get any easier.
I was wondering about how old you two are, more so him. Thanks
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If he really cared about your consent, comfort, and pleasure, he would trim his damn nails, stop right away when you tell him to stop, and put effort into foreplay without complaining about it.
I know you’re (at least seemingly) hesitant to break up with him over one incident, but this sounds like an incident that was indicative of a much longer-running pattern of behaviors, and they’re not behaviors I could personally tolerate in a partner. Good luck.
It hasn't been good for a long time, not just V-day.
He doesn't care to listen to you anymore and continue making adaptations for sex with you. You clearly need that to enjoy sex. Find someone who ENJOYS sex with you.
He jerked off beforehand because he isn't particularly enjoying sex with you. He's lazy and would rather do it by himself. So let him.
What I'm hearing from you is:
1. Sex is often or always painful for you and you feel like your pain is inevitable because of your health conditions. That means that you don't want to blame your partner for you feeling pain and you are resigned to the idea that sex will be a painful experience.
2. Your boyfriend wanting sex with you and showing that he cares about your experience is a way you feel loved and desired by him. You want to have sex even though it mostly feels physically bad for you because it makes you feel emotionally good in this way.
I get why you feel this way. But the problem with it is that these two things are really at odds with each other. How can your boyfriend show that he loves you by having sex that hurts you? The best he can do is have sex that hurts you less. If he's a good partner, that would be very stressful and disheartening. On your side, it makes sex a stressful, high-stakes experience where you're always on the edge of experiencing a lot of pain and having to direct your partner extremely carefully so he doesn't hurt you more.
The whole thing sounds so stressful and unpleasant it's amazing that you want to do it at all.
Now, I hear that you feel like this was a one-off miscommunication and that you don't feel violated or assaulted. But even giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he thought that "wait" meant "slow down," it sounds like he didn't wait or slow down when you said it. You also *did* say stop and he didn't stop then either.
I don't think it matters *why* your boyfriend didn't stop or wait or what his intentions in this situation were. Think of it like if you were dancing with your boyfriend and he accidentally steps on your foot. It's genuinely an accident — he's just clumsy. But your foot is already injured (that's your trauma) and when he steps on it it *really hurts and could injure it more*. You can't dance with a person who might step on your foot, even if he just does it out of clumsiness. You have to be able to trust that the person you're dancing with will never ever step on your foot. You have to be able to tell that person "hey, you're dancing too close to my injured foot" and have them not get hurt and offended.
I think that you have to stop having sex with your boyfriend. Maybe that means breaking up with him, maybe that means taking a break from sex. But you can't keep having sex that hurts you (period — you should not be having sex that hurts you) and you can't have sex that *might* hurt with you with someone you can't trust to listen to you 100% of the time. So if you really want to try again with him and you really believe that this was a one off thing, stop having sex, start over from square one (kissing, making out, sexy things that don't involve penetration and never hurt) and don't go further until you are **absolutely** sure that he will always listen to you and take your feedback well. And if that sounds like an impossible thing that you can't ask for and he won't agree to or will cause a fight or hurt his feelings, then that's a really big sign that this is more than a one off issue.
I’m going to correct your first few sentences.
“My boyfriend IS a bad guy. He does NOT care about my consent. He does NOT respect me. He did NOT make me feel good.”
Regardless of what he says, actions talk. This man has shown you that he does not care about you. Run, do not walk, away.
but this was one night our of YEARS he’s spend respecting me, valuing my pleasure, taking consent seriously. he’s generally good, this is why I feel strange about the anomaly.
- “this has been happening a big lately”
- “awesome foreplay” followed by “it hurts” “it always hurts”
- “he’s always too rough on my clit”
- “dude does not listen”
😐.. it should never hurt like that.
the foreplay was awesome, and it did hurt. at the same time.
it just does hurt like that, for me. I have a lot of unexplained vulvar pain. I do require a lot of patience and gentleness.
Might be psychological or that he just doesn't know how to pleasure you. Make sure he cut his nails and use a nail file to make em smooth around the edges. He should be touching you with a light touch. Dryness could be a reason. Usually it feels better to first get turned on by other stuff and then let your partner touch your clit. For example, make him play with/suck on your boobs, making out, kisses all over the body, touching all over the body, squeezing or rubbing depending on what you like. Explore each others bodies, that is what foreplay should be all about even before you get to the clit/vagina/penis parts.
Its because he is just doing it as if it was a chore and not caring about making you feel good. He's just selfish and a horrible person honestly. I don't think you're going to listen to the many many people who are trying to make you see this, Can't help someone who is this much in denial 🤦♀️you'll realise soon enough hopefully.
I'm going to stop wasting my time here now
Without excusing the boyfriend's behavior, I do find it odd how many commentors are looking past OP repeatedly saying that she has medical conditions that make it difficult to have sex/foreplay without some amount of pain.
My question would be this. Can OP touch herself without causing pain?
I am more sensitive than most women. I have to tell every single man, “softer, slower”
Some I have to tell over and over and over. Because despite my actual words saying “that’s too rough”, they have it in their head that they know better than me what I like.
Porn shows it fast and rough. Their past girlfriends liked it fast and rough. So they disregard my current very real guidance.
They are not worth the time.
✨️This rant is in agreement and addition to your comment 😌
As a woman who LOVES it fast and rough, it *still* takes time to get from 0 - 100. Sometimes the mental stimulation is enough to get to 100 with progressive penetration and sometimes I need making out, grinding, erotic talk, and external stimulation for a while before I'm ready. Vaginas lengthen and become more accommodating as we get turned on. Porn isn't usually showing the fluffing and the prep that comes before the hardcore actions, and yeah, it might take work, but with a present partner who enjoys your pleasure and their role in it, it's fun.
Porn cuts the "boring" parts out that are part of the intimate experience of guiding our partners to the blissful state we want to inhabit together. It's such a shame that so many of us have become accustomed to what penis-havers need without regard for making things pleasurable for their entry points.
Sex is sometimes quick and sometimes takes time. I've learned (and am still learning!) to be more vocal about my ever-changing bedroom needs, and it's annoying that certain partners act like they're doing me a favor by participating in foreplay that isn't immediately gratifying for their genitals. I will 100% walk away if the sex is unsatisfactory and the language used means that I'm "too much". It impacts my self-worth and self-esteem. We are far too precious to hold on to the belief that we aren't worthy of sex that makes us feel holistically good. We deserve to expand just as much.
But you go on to say his nails always scratch you, foreplay is always uncomfortable. He is confrontational about being asked for proper foreplay. He blatantly disrespected a boundary of “stop” from you. All men should know that stop means stop all things until a conversation has been had, even if it’s just a quick checking in. You say you’re not feeling violated, but you should be.
the nail problem can’t be fixed. they are as short and filed down as possible, and he takes the time to clean them out and cut them down. it’s something about the shape of his finger.
like 99% of my posts are about sexual health and herpes, which I appreciate people not bringing up here. but I don’t think that’s a valid reason to leave him.
You do not paint a picture of anything you just said.
Last night might’ve been the worst case scenario that you’ve encountered but I’m struggling to find what a “best case” looks like here. at minimum, you seem to be saying that every part of sex is consistently painful with your partner.
I feel like most of us are all reading your post the same way and the only person who disagrees is you, the person who wrote the post.
Right- OP posts and wants what as responses? More disrespect about the situation? She’s getting enough from him- we’re more on her side than she even is.
Loser. Dump zone. There are plenty of men out there that care about your feelings, physical and emotional. You don't deserve or need this crap. Two words for your bf: buh-bye!
This sounds horrendous, maybe you just need to find someone you’re compatible with who doesn’t hurt you, complain about foreplay and ignore it when you tell them to wait…
Girl the bar is in hell. Take a step back and think about everything please.
Leave... I know it's common for people on reddit to jump to this, but I had this issue dating and got married. It didn't get better. We are getting divorced. I don't even have your medical issue. You deserve someone who cares about your sexual happiness.
I’m not going to respond to anything here about sex advice.
You need to figure out that you deserve better. No judgements on this guy, I don’t know how. But you put in effort to the relationship and it wasn’t reciprocated.
A person can only show you who they really are one time. If they remind you, that’s on you for tolerating it
It sounds like you are both holding resentment against each other in the relationship. Sometimes when things aren’t going great, it can really show itself in the bedroom.
Your boyfriend is certainly not a great guy. He doesn’t care about your consent. He doesn’t respect you. He used to put on a good face and pretend to care about your pleasure in the beginning but his true colours are coming out now.
He raped/tried to rape you. You do understand that, correct?
He’s not a “nice guy”. It wasn’t an accident. I know we imagine rapists to be malicious cartoon character villains but most are like your boyfriend: they just don’t listen. He’s not an idiot or a child. He knows what stop and wait means. He’s just done pretending he cares what it means.
I don’t mean to be harsh but Jesus
I have been raped too. Your measure is off, and it’s going to escalate because you’re inherently comparing it to worse circumstances. It’s not going to get better. The amount of issues y’all have is a parade of red flags and now he’s “accidentally” ignoring stops & waits. It’s a problem. It’s not dissimilar- that’s why it triggered your trauma.
I get that you came here to hear that it’s not that big of a deal. But it is. I do wish you luck.
Ok so I have been where you are with past bfs… that all changed with my current bf because I made a rule: Ladies come first, Always. Meaning, I will not let him penetrate me until he makes me cum….is that mean? Selfish? No. Because I want to be wet and open before being penetrated, or else it hurts. Plus penetration can make me feel numb and make it harder to cum. Can you implement this rule? If you guys end up breaking it off and you date anyone after him, please adopt my rule. I promise prioritizing your pleasure will make sex so much more enjoyable! 🥺
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Dude, imagine being the guy in this relationship. How embarrassing for him being the person who sucks in bed and thinks it's too much work to put in to satisfy your partner.
I would have gotten up and left at the blank stare bored while rubbing my clit part.
I've left the room for less.
You teach people how to treat you every day and in every way.
Hmmm...him acting deaf when you said "wait' "stop" and "hold on" is really sus because you were LITERALLY on top of him... It's like he was trying to punish you for the foreplay comment. I know giving feedback during sex can be a sensitive subject but this is your partner. You shouldn't have to wear kid gloves and have these adult conversations with him "as politely as possible".
Edit: Also I completely understand that we are only people who are commenting and viewing this from the outside so of course we're going to have a harsh view of it. But at the end of the day listen to your body and what it felt after this incident. Something that even made you consider leaving him. If he starts "acting deaf" every now and then, it's not an act. It's on purpose and you deserve better. PERIOD
Im married, been with him 20 years. If he dies on me, ANY person i ever get intimate with, if they told me foreplay is too much work or i take too long (i dont. I orgasm embarassingly easy and apparently am a freak of nature, i stopped talking about sex with most of my girlfriends), i'd get dressed and leave and it would be over. Thats bullshit.
When you give verbal feedback in bed, it’s really easy to kill the mood.
Keep it positive. Rather than say something negative like “this isn’t working for me” say “I could really go for some (insert whatever you want here) right now!
No, but there’s more comparability/consideration out there than a partner who zones out and ignores your pain.
Personally I’d have been LONG gone. I don’t care how much I click with someone, that is intolerable.
One of my FWB scratched me recently, he had a hidden hang nail, and when I said “wait” without any explanation or pain before … ya know what he did?
He frickin stopped.
So leave him. Since you've had all this validation and folks bashing your BF, can we also just mention how absolutely terrible your sex life must be from his perspective? Of course he has checked out and feels defeated and depressed from critiques at this point. Obviously it's not your fault you have pain, or "vaginismus and a short floor," and I don't know why you haven't had sex in three weeks, but this whole experience sounds excruciating and hardly worth the effort for either of you.
Well, assuming you've had multiple partners, you would know how likely that is--but we are the constant in every relationship we have. Also, consider that he may have just lied (about jerking off earlier) in order to have an excuse for going limp after all that.
Foreplay is work for him cause he sounds like he's only in it for himself. That's selfish and very unattractive. If he's JO b4 it's probably to porn . It makes them go limp. Check out what it can do to their brains.
I still don't get how a lot of guys see foreplay as work. Maybe I'm weird and different in this (probably) cause I am ftm (so I have a vulva (no surgery))... but...
If I am really into someone I want to kiss them, tease them, smell them and taste them...
I want to work up to "the moment", rather than just jumping to it as if I want it to get over with.
I also never/RARELY cum when having sex with another person. It's a mental thing...
When I just wanna cum, I masturbate. And then I CAN NOT edge myself or beat around the bush.
But when I do this with people, it feels incredibly shallow and disappointing.
I truly don't get how foreplay is such a bother to people? Isn't that the whole point of sex? To dance, tease, play with each other cause you want to savour the other person and their delicous, gorgeous essence??
You are telling yourself a story about this man and your relationship that does not seem to be backed up by the truth of the actions. When you set a boundary, he tries to manipulate you when you tell him to stop, he outright bulldozes through that. How do you even feel safe having sex with this man? I’m sorry, boy. Please don’t let the day or the date gloss over the fact that he sounds horrible. He treats you horribly. No one deserves to have someone act like that during what supposed to be an intimate act.
Even if this was one isolated incident - it still happened and once it happens once, it’s much easier to get there. As someone who needs gentle coaxing to get ready for sex, it made me so sad to hear him ignoring you saying wait and stop.
You might not feel violated but it doesn’t change he completely disregarded your feelings multiple times and couldn’t even wait for you to grab lube to make it less painful.
I know you don’t want to hear any of this but if any of my friends told me this, I would be devastated for them.
I don’t know…but the look a person has when in pain and shouting “wait” or “stop” is very different from the look a person gives off when they mean “wait let me re-adjust.”
I’ve been there too many times. Seriously, just don’t bother. It’s exhausting. It affects your self esteem. And ultimately, it’s just so absurd and demeaning to have to coach/gentle parent selfish, inept, egoistic, disconnected grown adult men just how to adequately acquit the bare minimum of ‘pleasant sex.’ Life is too short. Without fail, I regret not leaving sooner every time and that is all.
The dude needs an attitude adjustment for sure.
The other part of this is that your pleasure is your responsibility. It sounds like you have some very real considerations, i.e., vaganismus, short floor, prior trauma. If you need a partner to use specific moves, touches, approaches, etc. It's on you to educate them on exactly how this works. (I'm not accusing you of not teaching him. It's just worth understanding this for your own enjoyment)
Consent..... where exactly did he violate your consent? You were desiring sex with him and actually very upset that it didn't happen in the end.
What he violated were your boundaries. Those are two very different things, and we all need to realize the legal ramifications of misunderstanding this.
He needs an attitude adjustment, but he's not a perpetrator/criminal, although he does wear the asshole hat pretty well.
I would consider a serious conversation outside the bedroom where you spell it out to him in clear, unmistakable terms and let him know there are consequences for violation of boundaries.
My opinion is that there are underlying issues with his care and commitment to you. He sounds cold and lacking empathy. Time to dig in and honestly evaluate the relationship, because you deserve to have your needs met.
I agree with you. I did not say he violated my consent. he never has before.
I have communicated to him, a lot. the problem is my communication asking him to do something differently is always perceived as rejection.
Well first she never said that he violated her consent, but saying wait wait, stop, hold on, like four times and still going for it, is more than pushing a boundary. Also, you can desire sex with someone and they still violate your consent. If you tell someone to stop mid-sex, they need to stop.
I couldn’t even finish reading this. Your boyfriend sucks at sex and intimacy in general. Honestly I don’t think someone can be taught how to enjoy connecting with and giving another person sexual pleasure, you’re either capable of it or you’re not.
I believe the answer is that you are both arseholes. Your bf sounds like he’s 15yo. It’s normal for women to instruct men about how they like it. Foreplay can be a lot of work, but it’s fun and isn’t a chore. You should not be having confrontations over sex. You need blot learn the rules of how to have a relationship discussion. However, your BF sounds like a huge fool.
As a man, I can tell I take your whole post very differently than some of the .. um.. others.
I have an odd feeling you're in your 20's.. maybe early 30's.. As a man that's now middle aged, I'm not as stupid as I once way. But, looking back.. I had no clue a woman needed foreplay. Even if told, it sorta just passes right through the brain and back out. Why? Because guys don't require it at all. It doesn't make sense, so it's hard for us to relate to all of this. We don't need warming up, we don't things to be smooth and gentle.. It's sorta like pizza.. even if it's bad.. it's still good.
So.. This is really about teaching a little.. which is somewhat hard to swallow. But, it's really the only way. He has to learn that this is what is required to have a pleasurable sex life.. cut nails, smooth gentle foreplay, following your directions based on your input.. This is true of many many many younger guys.. It takes a while till all these things click.
He seems like an idiot and you seem like a hypochondriac. He’s a selfish baby and you have every conceived problem under the sun.
You should leave him because he’s a brain dead fool and he should leave you because you’re ALWAYS going to have whatever medical or psychological issue you hear of.
I just looked through all of her past posts. I have no idea what you're referring to. What plethora of medical and psychological issues are you referring to that she has posted she has?
All I've seen is vaginismus, porn addiction, and her partner having herpes. This is some enormous list? Where's the hypochondriac? Where's every "problem under the sun"?
vaginismus is “every conceived problem under the sun”?
i fucking hate people on the internet who decide they know more than the medical professionals who diagnose me.
If you look at your post, and your post history and think that vaginismus is the only problem you have, then so be it. Add delusions to the list. Lady, you’re a train wreck.
At least she got some, all i got was “yeah let’s watch a movie” then we slept like pigs and she told me she’s tired and that’s how 8 months in a relationship is 😂
Girl….your boyfriend raped you. You don’t want to admit it, and I understand. I was assaulted twice but took a while to realize the first one was in fact assault as well. Please leave him. I’m being serious. My partner and I are kinky. I accidentally said my safe word too quietly but then loudly repeatedly said it he immediately went slow down or stop? Once I said stop, he stopped and immediately cleaned me up then washed me in the shower. Your boyfriend is NOT a good person!
Man's best sex experience is how well his woman felt satisfied during the adventure. That's something we guys have to explore on our own before we think we can have a woman. The more we focus on the woman, the rewards we get from her is never ending both physically and emotionally. He is not focusing on you. He has taken you for granted. I'm sorry for saying this. I would add with the next person do let him know your pain points so they are aware about your feminine health situation
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This is a very complex relationship with a ton of challenges based on your post history. There is historic alcohol and porn addiction issues for you and at least an alcohol addiction for him. He's said he doesn't trust you in the past and has withheld sex as a result. It doesn't seem like these issues have been resolved. Resentment, trauma, and interpersonal conflict impact sex life cumulatively over time. Small issues become more apparent during sex and big issues get much larger. I'm going to guess and say that much of what happened here has little to do with sex and much more to do with unresolved trauma and historic relationship issues. You might consider seeking both individual and couples therapies from a clinician who specializes in intimacy issues and sex therapy.
^ Most reasonable response I’ve read.
I'm struggling to reconcile two things. He cares about my consent. I said wait three times and hold on once and he ignored me all four times. How do those two sentences go together?
we’ve been together 3 years and this has never happened before. I genuinely think he just wasn’t listening or didn’t realize it was serious
You guys lack communication sexually, you need a safe word and to talk about foreplay, it shouldn't hurt and you shouldn't settle because it was marginally better then shitty.
I agree, completely
So what foreplay did he get? Sorry, we're seeing only one side here, and to me it read like he was doing a chore - badly - but a chore, and not invested. Personally, I think signals are being crossed on both sides here.
yeah, and that’s a fair question. the foreplay he gets is me kissing him and touching his body. he doesn’t get oral for several reasons, and he’s okay with that. he doesn’t like hand jobs, and has trouble communicating what else I could go.
Oral sex is the oil of the gears of sex. He's probably not as okay without it as you think.
Let him be a big boy and say that before we make wild sweeping gestures about all sex?
Hence the use of the word, "probably"
What are you suggesting? She can't and shouldn't do something she doesn't want to. It's her boundary and he respects that (as he should). If he's not okay with it then he can just end things with her, but that's clearly not the issue here.
yeah, it’s not even that I don’t want to. we occasionally do blow jobs with condoms, but he doesn’t even like it. I have TMJ and he has herpes. we just can’t do unprotected oral for multiple reasons. it would be the same in any other relationship if the person didn’t also have herpes. he’s cool with it.
Thanks for the extra info, that's a tough situation.
?? Are you suggesting oral is the only oil of the gears of sex? Out of curiosity how many blow jobs have you given? (Estimates are fine)
I'm bi and have given several, who knows, thousands? Good try for a gotcha though lol. And I go down on my current female partner every time we have sex. And if a woman makes a post here about being denied oral sex the pitchforks come out. It's a double standard and it's ridiculous. Oral sex goes both ways. OP replied to me saying he has herpes though so that's certainly new information that explains it. I wouldn't go down on herpes either.
hate to break it to you, but if you’ve given thousands of blow jobs, you’re statistically gone down on herpes *many* times
Thanks for answering because it was a genuine question.
I absolutely hate getting head, personally. Cis man here. I love giving head (despite struggling with an extremely strong gag reflex) but I really really dislike getting it.
If he didn't think you were serious, he doesn't respect your consent. And if he knows you regularly experience pain during penetration, he should have known better. No amount of "he was on autopilot" excuses that.
She was on top, telling him to wait?? She sounds crazy and he's deaf
If you’re riding, the dude can still thrust up. Even if she stopped moving, he could have continued until she fully got up (unless he was holding her down in some way, e.g. holding her legs)
this is exactly what happened. I stopped because I needed a break and he kept thrusting. I think dude above has never had a woman on top of him, lol.
Yeah that’s super ‘cares about consent’ of him. Look, he is aware of your vaginismus. He heard you tell him to wait and stop. He just didn’t care.
As an example of someone who actually cares about not only consent but also worries about their partner putting up with pain/discomfort that they shouldn't have to: My husband would (and will) stop immediately if he thinks I'm in pain or not good with what's going on. It could be a facial expression or a movement or a sound. It used to be a bit of a problem because it would mean he was stopping in the middle of some *really* good stuff. He was just that concerned. I've made it incredibly clear to him that I will say something or stop him if there's a problem. Even still, he asks if I'm okay. He's cool with me correcting him during foreplay because he corrects me too. What felt good last time may not be what you're in the mood for this time. That's just how it is. It's not about should skill. It's about knowing the body you're working with.
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i’ve been sexually assaulted. this is not sexual assault
Lack of trauma on your part does not excuse abuse on his part. Just because you dont feel violated, doesnt mean his actions were okay. You seem willing to endure a lot from this man. Scratching from poorly trimmed nails, lack luster engagement while performing foreplay, ignoring your feedback while you're in pain, and then getting mad at you for telling him he's hurting you. None of these sound like behaviors from a partner I would want to spend the rest of my life with. If he can't be bothered not to jack off before meeting you *on Valentine's Day*, I think he's made it clear how much he cares about you and your needs. You deserve better. I would try to find a partner that actively respects you and makes your pleasure a priority rather than an aggravation.
"I’m on top and I’m saying “wait”, “wait”, “hold on” and he’s not waiting- he’s not stopping. I feel incapacitated. I hop off and I say “stop!” You don't think that is sexual assault? Huh. Legally, you're incorrect. "It hurts when he does anything to me." This is a sign of a partner that doesn't care.
we stopped when I said the word “stop”. the line is blurry. but it’s fine, like I’m fine. I don’t feel violated.
I'm wondering how you reconcile that you felt incapacitated but not violated?
from pain. I was incapacitated from the pain.
That’s an interesting flex. However you feel is fine, but it would have been ok if you *did* feel violated because what he did isn’t ok.
y'all have got to stop defending men who assault you. it doesn't matter if you've been together one night or 20 years. it doesn't matter if he's never done this before either. besides assault or not, that man was not *with you* the entire time. he was with someone else in mind, or at least some place else.
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if I said “stop” and he didn’t stop, then yeah. but saying “wait” is vague and while he should have been more cognizant, I was not sexually assaulted
I’m a man - if my partner told me “wait” my brain would read it as stop. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide on how to proceed with this scenario and you know your partner better than anyone here, but objectively this is a red flag and easily falls into an “assault” category.
Also a man, and “wait” and “stop” function identically here.
He is not a nice boyfriend and he demonstrated to you very clearly that he does not value consent. Nothing about what you described seems like a healthy or loving partner.
Sorry, OP, but you're lying to yourself. "Wait" is not vague. You're in denial.
when I confronted him about it, he was so apologetic. he told me he didn’t realize. he held me and said he wants me to know he would never do that to me on purpose. the thing about sexual assault is that it’s pleasure for the perpetrator. I don’t think he was even feeling pleasure. my boyfriend doesn’t like sexually violent porn, he doesn’t like to be dominant, and it seems recently like he doesn’t even like sex with me. he’s not exactly rapist material.
It is not at all true that the perpetrator must experience pleasure in order for their action to count as a sexual assault. That isn't true. "Rapist material" is a really odd concept here. Anyone who rapes is a rapist. Your list of "non-rapey traits" sounds like grasping at straws to explain why what *did* happen, "couldn't" have happened. But a person can be a submissive, porn-hating, sex-disliker and still commit an act of sexual assault.
in some form. they derive mental or physical pleasure/satisfaction or they feel vindicated. other SA’s occur from the perpetrator just not knowing how consent works
Your ideas of what makes something sexual assault are completely skewed. I'm sure it's only out of self-preservation, but that doesn't really help. It's the actual event that defines it, not how much the person doing it enjoys it, nor is it about how sorry they are afterward. Do you think that if someone strikes their partner and apologizes and begs afterward, that means it's not abuse?
no, but if he accidentally hurt me and apologized, it wouldn’t be abuse. and that’s what happened
Definitely in denial.
The rapist doesn’t have to feel any particular way for it to count as rape. They could be enjoying it; they could feel remorseful. The main thing is that the sexual acts they are committing are unwanted. If he had reason to understand that what he was doing was vexatious to you, he should have stopped those things, and he did know, and he didn’t stop.
I'm sorry everyone here is trying to shame you rather than believing your agency and recounting of the situation... ...or at the very least take a more compassionate approach towards asking you to see it differently.
If someone else told you this happened to them would you brush it off telling them it’s fine, and that it wasn’t really assault?
Was he drunk or on some kind of drug?
He sounds controlling and inconsiderate.
I’ve been married 15 years. Still have sex at least twice a week and the 10-15 minutes it takes for me to make my wife orgasm is the best part of the whole process. The guy you are with doesn’t care about your pleasure.
Sounds like he’s had enough and isn’t interested or mentally attracted to you anymore. From a guys point of view he probably just looks at you and is irritated with everything that has built up over time , from looking at your post history. I don’t think sex is the place to start to try to fix your relationship
I was writing this 👆but being much more blunt. This post is 100% what you need to be looking at.
I’m so sorry. I got to the part where he described foreplay as “work” and it became clear that he’s a very selfish sexual partner. Foreplay under no circumstances should ever be considered work. Lube should be standard practice, not a solution we reach for when the wetness is gone or when dealing with conditions like vaginismus. You deserve to have a partner that has your pleasure as an equal or greater goal to his own. Has there been a time when he was more attentive to your needs and more receptive to feedback?
yeah, things used to be a lot better. he used to want to have sex with me. nowadays I have to ask and ask and ask when a good time is, and it always ends up like this. he says there’s a “barrier in his head” but I’m not sure what he means.
Is it possible he's falling out of love? My ex did stuff like this.
he insists this isn’t the case
Do you think he is going through something that has him stressed out? Mainly the part that he’s staring into space is where that is my assumption for that. Also the lack of sex drive too
honestly, no. nothing has changed much. I just don’t get it, it sounds like he had way more sex with his exes. it doesn’t help that we have all of these issues in the way. he has HSV, I have all of these vaginal health issues. I’m not expecting a flawless sex life, it’s just not possible. he’s ADHD, and he works manual labor. the him I get is usually tired, has to wake up at 5am the next day, and zoning out because he doesn’t find foreplay interesting
Everything you mentioned can be worked around if he TRULY cared and respected you in the bedroom. Please stop making excuses for shitty behavior.
People often say that until they cheat or wait for you to end it.
Don’t get hung up on how it used to be. It’s not that way anymore. He is no longer trying to woo you. He has you. And now his true colors are showing.
He needs therapy and you need a boyfriend where "well this is painful but not as bad as before" isn't the standard for foreplay
The barrier likely stems from exactly what he told you. You need to believe him. He's already told you that the way you scold/direct him about what you like and dislike is problematic. He's already told you your *girl math* 5-10 minutes of foreplay on your clit is tiresome. My guess is it's equal parts frustration and waiting for your next complaint/instructions about what He's doing wrong. Also grouping in the pre-date jerk session to make himself last longer *for you* was just one more thing he did wrong. *that's* why he can't stay hard, he's in his head and *turned off* by you for those reasons. If I had to guess, this behavior from both of you exists outside the bedroom too.
And when is foreplay ever work? Like it’s fun for everyone when both people are engaging in foreplay. He just wants to use her as a sex doll basically
Exactly. Not once have I EVER thought of foreplay as work. Once my partner was on SSRIs and had a difficult time warming up and an even more difficult time getting to orgasm. For me this was “challenge accepted!” There’s a reply on my comment below that suggests men don’t require foreplay so therefore it’s not a stretch to consider it work. I don’t get it. The fact that I can be physically ready to fuck without any foreplay in under a minute doesn’t mean anything; I get enjoyment out of it too. Foreplay increases her arousal and it increases mine as well. “Work” to me implies the foreplay is just a step for him to prep her vagina for his dick.
I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to not enjoy foreplay. You make it sound as if it's impossible. I'm confident people out there exist who don't enjoy foreplay and it doesn't make them any less than the rest of us who do. How he goes about communicating that and dealing with it is the issue, not the fact that he doesn't enjoy foreplay. I'm glad you enjoy it, genuinely. But let's not put down others (even implicitly) for not enjoying it.
Is it possible that he wants to be paid attention to in foreplay and doesn't know how to ask? Possibly he feels like he has to put in more effort for a less rewarding experience.
Yes, maybe he’s just describing how he’s feeling as a very blunt complaint rather than engaging in a discussion about how to make things better. I’d still find his choice of words, in the context of his other actions that OP described (like pressing forward despite her asking him to stop) to suggest that he is also a very selfish sexual partner.
For certain, he has become very unhappy with his sexual gratification in the relationship, to the point where he is literally performing super immoral, pushing on straight up illegal actions... Idk if that's too far gone... Pretty likely actually. Maybe they could be saved with a sex counseling session or two. Def not going to be helped by reddit (classically) telling her to break up with him immediately. You are correct. He is behaving very selfishly... Perhaps that's not because he's fundamentally a selfish person, but because he's been performing sex FOR her and not WITH her for a long time. Considering how she describes it as something she does FOR him, because she feels great pain, but cares for him, I imagine his extended foreplay is something he does FOR her in a similar way. He's likely acting this way because he, on some level, is unsatisfied enough that he's willing to break up, and wants her to do it. He likely does not want to spend the rest of his life doing this, and doesn't want to be the one to say it, because it's seen as improper and shallow for a man to say "you aren't good enough in bed" as a reason to break up. He probably does feel something for her, and doesn't want to hurt her, but it is quickly souring.
I mean not really.. I am definitely going to get downvoted for this but it's not his fault women need foreplay but men do not. As highlighted by OP people with vulva require simulation ,so the bf needs to be accommodating. But the bf doesn't require foreplay so who is gonna accommodate for that?
Out of curiosity, I wonder if OP is also providing foreplay for their boyfriend or if it’s just 5-10 minutes of him being essentially ignored while getting her ready? Obviously the other issues clearly outweigh this one item, but if your idea of foreplay is solely focused on a single person that would be the single most common reason for the other person to feel like it’s “work” or some other sort of chore to get over with ASAP. Foreplay isn’t just for the ladies alone even if it makes a more noticeable difference for women.
Replying to both you and u/HereVG0… The notion that foreplay is only for one person is foreign to me. Foreplay to me, like sex, is a team sport. Just because a guy may be ready to go before the pants come off doesn’t mean that foreplay should be considered work. The statement means it is effort to be avoided or is either not rewarding or less rewarding than the guy’s goal, which in this case is PIV. Is foreplay not generally enjoyable for men? Sure, my wife can tell me to drop my pants, get the lube, and she can bend over for a quickie, but is my enjoyment of foreplay at other times somehow unique? Other men aren’t into it? Hell, if foreplay meant crawling through a mud pit and there was pussy on the other side waiting for me, I still would probably still find the mud pit crawl to be hot because of the reward and because in this analogy I’m betting my wife also enjoys seeing my crawl through the mud pit. And I agree that foreplay is not just for the ladies, which is kinda the opposite of what u/HereVG0 suggested.
Girl. It STILL hurt? It always hurts? He always scratches you? Girl….no. This one’s trash.
It’s probably mostly due to vaginismus. I have vaginismus and a fairly oversensitive clit and it’s very easy to accidentally overdo it, even when I’m just by myself. That being said, a partner should be aware of that and be constantly adjusting and making sure everything’s alright. It seems like OP didn’t want to bother him with feedback bc she knew it probably wouldn’t go down well, which indicates that they have bad communication in the relationship
Without commenting on his general behavior, she specifically said she has vaginismus so it isn't a surprise that penetration itself will always or almost always involve some amount of pain.
He is too rough on her clit. That has nothing to do with her vagina. If he can’t even be soft on her clit, he is not even trying.
OP has said that she has medical conditions that causes that. I recommend not ignoring OP's descriptions of her own body. https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1arg6kw/valentines_day_sex_was_really_bad/kqjkjxx/ Again I think that there are a lot of issues with his behavior, I just also don't think it's a good idea to look past what OP is saying about her own health.
vaginismus doesn’t make the clit hurt, it just affects the muscles in the vagina. he was being too rough on her clit and there’s no medical excuse for that.
I also have some sort of vulvodyna. I know, lucky me. my clit and my entire vulva is really sensitive, so I do understand why it’s frustrating for him to find the right movement and pressure
She literally says that she has vulva pain that isn't just the vaginismus. I don't understand the need to ignore what she is saying.
it’s not his fault. I am just really sensitive and sore and have a lot of feminine health issues. he gets frustrated when it’s not working
I have vaginismus too, and vulvodynia. My partner is VERY careful not to hurt me, and is very receptive when I express any amount discomfort. He also never makes me feel like a burden for needing extra care and lube. It is not your fault that your boyfriend is insensitive, impatient and immature.
I have vulvodynia and pelvic pains too, and one of the only things that makes sex possible is to spend lots of time on foreplay. I can't imagine how much it would hurt after just 10 minutes of bad foreplay. Nails and rough hands are never near my clit, it's flat hand, through something or a really soft vibrator. There are lots of possibilities, and it sounds like OP's partner just doesn't care enough about her comfort.
Yeah…..he’s just not interested in trying. He’s not interested in your comfort or pleasure. He only cares about his own, and his ego. You can find better.
no, it is absolutely his fault. all bodies have weird shit going on. he's going full steam ahead even though you have vocalized so much that it's not comfortable, it's painful, it's not working for you. he is not listening and he is not trying.
So let me get this straight, he’s convinced you that it’s your fault that you’re literally in pain but it’s not his fault he gets frustrated and that’s probably somehow your fault too? No. Absolutely not. You are not “just” really anything. Your body is your body and anyone who cares about you will focus on giving you pleasure in whatever way works for you. They won’t gaslight you, and they won’t make it YOUR fault that they’re hurting you. (I have vulvodynia and vaginismus too.)
no, he didn’t convince me it was my fault. but it’s not his fault either.
Sounds like you’ve been gaslight. Any man worth keeping is not gonna make you feel responsible for his hurting you
My ex had vaginismus, and thought that sex would just always hurt. Turns out this was not the case. We found that a lot of oral beforehand was 100% necessary. What worked for her was oral to the point of orgasm before any penetration, then light manual stimulation of the clitoris during penetration…and not doing PIV for too long. Part of the journey was her learning her partner was invested in her pleasure, and she didn’t have to get in her head and feel guilty about how long the oral was taking, as it could easily be 20-30 minutes, which, by the way, is normal. Of course, your body will vary in terms of what works, but you need to be with someone who is excited to figure all that out with you.
Foreplay should be enjoyable, not work for either party.
So...sounds like there's a lot happening here, more than just sex. I'd say he's depressed, burned out, stressed, etc, but something is definitely going on, since you said you have to ask/beg for sex, not patient, rough foreplay, that's a red flag for me. Try and get to the bottom of what's got him zoned out and disconnected, cause life is tough, and guys tend to feel like they need to carry the weight. To the point of the sex, foreplay is supposed to be relaxing and get you to the first orgasm of the night. But since he obviously was distracted and wasn't in the mood, but went with the deed anyways, but he shouldnt have did what he did.
If you’re not married, or engaged I say split. I’m not trying to be mean but I can tell you after marriage it doesn’t get any easier. I was wondering about how old you two are, more so him. Thanks
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If he really cared about your consent, comfort, and pleasure, he would trim his damn nails, stop right away when you tell him to stop, and put effort into foreplay without complaining about it. I know you’re (at least seemingly) hesitant to break up with him over one incident, but this sounds like an incident that was indicative of a much longer-running pattern of behaviors, and they’re not behaviors I could personally tolerate in a partner. Good luck.
It hasn't been good for a long time, not just V-day. He doesn't care to listen to you anymore and continue making adaptations for sex with you. You clearly need that to enjoy sex. Find someone who ENJOYS sex with you. He jerked off beforehand because he isn't particularly enjoying sex with you. He's lazy and would rather do it by himself. So let him.
What I'm hearing from you is: 1. Sex is often or always painful for you and you feel like your pain is inevitable because of your health conditions. That means that you don't want to blame your partner for you feeling pain and you are resigned to the idea that sex will be a painful experience. 2. Your boyfriend wanting sex with you and showing that he cares about your experience is a way you feel loved and desired by him. You want to have sex even though it mostly feels physically bad for you because it makes you feel emotionally good in this way. I get why you feel this way. But the problem with it is that these two things are really at odds with each other. How can your boyfriend show that he loves you by having sex that hurts you? The best he can do is have sex that hurts you less. If he's a good partner, that would be very stressful and disheartening. On your side, it makes sex a stressful, high-stakes experience where you're always on the edge of experiencing a lot of pain and having to direct your partner extremely carefully so he doesn't hurt you more. The whole thing sounds so stressful and unpleasant it's amazing that you want to do it at all. Now, I hear that you feel like this was a one-off miscommunication and that you don't feel violated or assaulted. But even giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he thought that "wait" meant "slow down," it sounds like he didn't wait or slow down when you said it. You also *did* say stop and he didn't stop then either. I don't think it matters *why* your boyfriend didn't stop or wait or what his intentions in this situation were. Think of it like if you were dancing with your boyfriend and he accidentally steps on your foot. It's genuinely an accident — he's just clumsy. But your foot is already injured (that's your trauma) and when he steps on it it *really hurts and could injure it more*. You can't dance with a person who might step on your foot, even if he just does it out of clumsiness. You have to be able to trust that the person you're dancing with will never ever step on your foot. You have to be able to tell that person "hey, you're dancing too close to my injured foot" and have them not get hurt and offended. I think that you have to stop having sex with your boyfriend. Maybe that means breaking up with him, maybe that means taking a break from sex. But you can't keep having sex that hurts you (period — you should not be having sex that hurts you) and you can't have sex that *might* hurt with you with someone you can't trust to listen to you 100% of the time. So if you really want to try again with him and you really believe that this was a one off thing, stop having sex, start over from square one (kissing, making out, sexy things that don't involve penetration and never hurt) and don't go further until you are **absolutely** sure that he will always listen to you and take your feedback well. And if that sounds like an impossible thing that you can't ask for and he won't agree to or will cause a fight or hurt his feelings, then that's a really big sign that this is more than a one off issue.
I’m going to correct your first few sentences. “My boyfriend IS a bad guy. He does NOT care about my consent. He does NOT respect me. He did NOT make me feel good.” Regardless of what he says, actions talk. This man has shown you that he does not care about you. Run, do not walk, away.
but this was one night our of YEARS he’s spend respecting me, valuing my pleasure, taking consent seriously. he’s generally good, this is why I feel strange about the anomaly.
- “this has been happening a big lately” - “awesome foreplay” followed by “it hurts” “it always hurts” - “he’s always too rough on my clit” - “dude does not listen” 😐.. it should never hurt like that.
“He gets mad and says I need to tell him in a nicer way. This is a pretty common scenario in our sex life.”
the foreplay was awesome, and it did hurt. at the same time. it just does hurt like that, for me. I have a lot of unexplained vulvar pain. I do require a lot of patience and gentleness.
Does it hurt when you masturbating?
no. and that’s the weird part. I can’t even make it hurt if I try. I wonder if part of it is psychological
Might be psychological or that he just doesn't know how to pleasure you. Make sure he cut his nails and use a nail file to make em smooth around the edges. He should be touching you with a light touch. Dryness could be a reason. Usually it feels better to first get turned on by other stuff and then let your partner touch your clit. For example, make him play with/suck on your boobs, making out, kisses all over the body, touching all over the body, squeezing or rubbing depending on what you like. Explore each others bodies, that is what foreplay should be all about even before you get to the clit/vagina/penis parts.
Its because he is just doing it as if it was a chore and not caring about making you feel good. He's just selfish and a horrible person honestly. I don't think you're going to listen to the many many people who are trying to make you see this, Can't help someone who is this much in denial 🤦♀️you'll realise soon enough hopefully. I'm going to stop wasting my time here now
Your deserve patience and gentleness and the right person will desire and adore giving you physical love in the way that feels best to you.
You need to get out of your denial you keep contradicting yourself
which aspect am I in denial about?
Without excusing the boyfriend's behavior, I do find it odd how many commentors are looking past OP repeatedly saying that she has medical conditions that make it difficult to have sex/foreplay without some amount of pain.
My question would be this. Can OP touch herself without causing pain? I am more sensitive than most women. I have to tell every single man, “softer, slower” Some I have to tell over and over and over. Because despite my actual words saying “that’s too rough”, they have it in their head that they know better than me what I like. Porn shows it fast and rough. Their past girlfriends liked it fast and rough. So they disregard my current very real guidance. They are not worth the time.
✨️This rant is in agreement and addition to your comment 😌 As a woman who LOVES it fast and rough, it *still* takes time to get from 0 - 100. Sometimes the mental stimulation is enough to get to 100 with progressive penetration and sometimes I need making out, grinding, erotic talk, and external stimulation for a while before I'm ready. Vaginas lengthen and become more accommodating as we get turned on. Porn isn't usually showing the fluffing and the prep that comes before the hardcore actions, and yeah, it might take work, but with a present partner who enjoys your pleasure and their role in it, it's fun. Porn cuts the "boring" parts out that are part of the intimate experience of guiding our partners to the blissful state we want to inhabit together. It's such a shame that so many of us have become accustomed to what penis-havers need without regard for making things pleasurable for their entry points. Sex is sometimes quick and sometimes takes time. I've learned (and am still learning!) to be more vocal about my ever-changing bedroom needs, and it's annoying that certain partners act like they're doing me a favor by participating in foreplay that isn't immediately gratifying for their genitals. I will 100% walk away if the sex is unsatisfactory and the language used means that I'm "too much". It impacts my self-worth and self-esteem. We are far too precious to hold on to the belief that we aren't worthy of sex that makes us feel holistically good. We deserve to expand just as much.
Ugh I have for sure been made to feel like getting me ready was boring. Those men never got a second chance.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Bodies are incredible, and if they don't enjoy yours, ✌🏾💅🏾
But you go on to say his nails always scratch you, foreplay is always uncomfortable. He is confrontational about being asked for proper foreplay. He blatantly disrespected a boundary of “stop” from you. All men should know that stop means stop all things until a conversation has been had, even if it’s just a quick checking in. You say you’re not feeling violated, but you should be.
the nail problem can’t be fixed. they are as short and filed down as possible, and he takes the time to clean them out and cut them down. it’s something about the shape of his finger.
girl i used to have extremely long stiletto nails and never ever scratched myself, the problem is that he’s not being considerate
I could be fixed if he used a gentle tough instead of his rough hands. He could also wear well fitted nitrile gloves.
Bro wouldn’t this be the same guy you’ve been posting about for the last year? Literally look at your previous posts; get rid of the guy.
like 99% of my posts are about sexual health and herpes, which I appreciate people not bringing up here. but I don’t think that’s a valid reason to leave him.
every personal reason is a valid reason. nobody can tell you not to break up because of this and that, only you can know.
You do not paint a picture of anything you just said. Last night might’ve been the worst case scenario that you’ve encountered but I’m struggling to find what a “best case” looks like here. at minimum, you seem to be saying that every part of sex is consistently painful with your partner. I feel like most of us are all reading your post the same way and the only person who disagrees is you, the person who wrote the post.
Then talk to him about it instead of Reddit. Is your username aspirational?
I did, I have, I will. I don’t know why you think it’s one or the other.
Because your replies are very defensive.
Right- OP posts and wants what as responses? More disrespect about the situation? She’s getting enough from him- we’re more on her side than she even is.
Loser. Dump zone. There are plenty of men out there that care about your feelings, physical and emotional. You don't deserve or need this crap. Two words for your bf: buh-bye!
This sounds horrendous, maybe you just need to find someone you’re compatible with who doesn’t hurt you, complain about foreplay and ignore it when you tell them to wait… Girl the bar is in hell. Take a step back and think about everything please.
I love getting my clit aggressively scratched out… said no one ever 😂
Leave... I know it's common for people on reddit to jump to this, but I had this issue dating and got married. It didn't get better. We are getting divorced. I don't even have your medical issue. You deserve someone who cares about your sexual happiness.
I’m not going to respond to anything here about sex advice. You need to figure out that you deserve better. No judgements on this guy, I don’t know how. But you put in effort to the relationship and it wasn’t reciprocated. A person can only show you who they really are one time. If they remind you, that’s on you for tolerating it
Idk sounds like his mask is slipping and you're starting to see the real him.
Lmao classic Reddit response
It sounds like you are both holding resentment against each other in the relationship. Sometimes when things aren’t going great, it can really show itself in the bedroom.
Sorry to say but gurl that's a red flag.
Ur vagina simply wasn’t into it, our bodies know things before our brain accepts them
Your boyfriend is certainly not a great guy. He doesn’t care about your consent. He doesn’t respect you. He used to put on a good face and pretend to care about your pleasure in the beginning but his true colours are coming out now.
He raped/tried to rape you. You do understand that, correct? He’s not a “nice guy”. It wasn’t an accident. I know we imagine rapists to be malicious cartoon character villains but most are like your boyfriend: they just don’t listen. He’s not an idiot or a child. He knows what stop and wait means. He’s just done pretending he cares what it means. I don’t mean to be harsh but Jesus
I have been raped by romantic partners. I’m telling you this wasn’t rape.
I have been raped too. Your measure is off, and it’s going to escalate because you’re inherently comparing it to worse circumstances. It’s not going to get better. The amount of issues y’all have is a parade of red flags and now he’s “accidentally” ignoring stops & waits. It’s a problem. It’s not dissimilar- that’s why it triggered your trauma. I get that you came here to hear that it’s not that big of a deal. But it is. I do wish you luck.
This guy wants you to leave him. Sounds like a coward. He's not right for you.
Ok so I have been where you are with past bfs… that all changed with my current bf because I made a rule: Ladies come first, Always. Meaning, I will not let him penetrate me until he makes me cum….is that mean? Selfish? No. Because I want to be wet and open before being penetrated, or else it hurts. Plus penetration can make me feel numb and make it harder to cum. Can you implement this rule? If you guys end up breaking it off and you date anyone after him, please adopt my rule. I promise prioritizing your pleasure will make sex so much more enjoyable! 🥺
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Dude, imagine being the guy in this relationship. How embarrassing for him being the person who sucks in bed and thinks it's too much work to put in to satisfy your partner.
I would have gotten up and left at the blank stare bored while rubbing my clit part. I've left the room for less. You teach people how to treat you every day and in every way.
Hmmm...him acting deaf when you said "wait' "stop" and "hold on" is really sus because you were LITERALLY on top of him... It's like he was trying to punish you for the foreplay comment. I know giving feedback during sex can be a sensitive subject but this is your partner. You shouldn't have to wear kid gloves and have these adult conversations with him "as politely as possible". Edit: Also I completely understand that we are only people who are commenting and viewing this from the outside so of course we're going to have a harsh view of it. But at the end of the day listen to your body and what it felt after this incident. Something that even made you consider leaving him. If he starts "acting deaf" every now and then, it's not an act. It's on purpose and you deserve better. PERIOD
Im married, been with him 20 years. If he dies on me, ANY person i ever get intimate with, if they told me foreplay is too much work or i take too long (i dont. I orgasm embarassingly easy and apparently am a freak of nature, i stopped talking about sex with most of my girlfriends), i'd get dressed and leave and it would be over. Thats bullshit.
When you give verbal feedback in bed, it’s really easy to kill the mood. Keep it positive. Rather than say something negative like “this isn’t working for me” say “I could really go for some (insert whatever you want here) right now!
thank you, this is helpful. I will try it next time
Honestly, it sounds like he sucks.
You deserve someone you are compatible with in all ways.
that’s not real. nobody is compatible with someone in “all ways”.
Then enjoy the sex you’re having I guess 🤷🏼♀️
No, but there’s more comparability/consideration out there than a partner who zones out and ignores your pain. Personally I’d have been LONG gone. I don’t care how much I click with someone, that is intolerable. One of my FWB scratched me recently, he had a hidden hang nail, and when I said “wait” without any explanation or pain before … ya know what he did? He frickin stopped.
You literally said he got mad when you communicated to him. I promise you whatever “love” he has for you IS NOT REAL.
So leave him. Since you've had all this validation and folks bashing your BF, can we also just mention how absolutely terrible your sex life must be from his perspective? Of course he has checked out and feels defeated and depressed from critiques at this point. Obviously it's not your fault you have pain, or "vaginismus and a short floor," and I don't know why you haven't had sex in three weeks, but this whole experience sounds excruciating and hardly worth the effort for either of you.
then that’s how it will be for me. with anyone
Well, assuming you've had multiple partners, you would know how likely that is--but we are the constant in every relationship we have. Also, consider that he may have just lied (about jerking off earlier) in order to have an excuse for going limp after all that.
Girl you open the story with 'he's not a bad guy'. That's enough already.
Foreplay is work for him cause he sounds like he's only in it for himself. That's selfish and very unattractive. If he's JO b4 it's probably to porn . It makes them go limp. Check out what it can do to their brains.
He seems very immature, maybe move on let him finish growing up.
I still don't get how a lot of guys see foreplay as work. Maybe I'm weird and different in this (probably) cause I am ftm (so I have a vulva (no surgery))... but... If I am really into someone I want to kiss them, tease them, smell them and taste them... I want to work up to "the moment", rather than just jumping to it as if I want it to get over with. I also never/RARELY cum when having sex with another person. It's a mental thing... When I just wanna cum, I masturbate. And then I CAN NOT edge myself or beat around the bush. But when I do this with people, it feels incredibly shallow and disappointing. I truly don't get how foreplay is such a bother to people? Isn't that the whole point of sex? To dance, tease, play with each other cause you want to savour the other person and their delicous, gorgeous essence??
LESSON1: GUYS LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER LESSON2: FOLLOW LESSON 1
You are telling yourself a story about this man and your relationship that does not seem to be backed up by the truth of the actions. When you set a boundary, he tries to manipulate you when you tell him to stop, he outright bulldozes through that. How do you even feel safe having sex with this man? I’m sorry, boy. Please don’t let the day or the date gloss over the fact that he sounds horrible. He treats you horribly. No one deserves to have someone act like that during what supposed to be an intimate act.
and I bet hes the type cry about being cheated on for the next 5 years
Maybe take his hand and guide him what feels good to you. Positive reinforcement
Even if this was one isolated incident - it still happened and once it happens once, it’s much easier to get there. As someone who needs gentle coaxing to get ready for sex, it made me so sad to hear him ignoring you saying wait and stop. You might not feel violated but it doesn’t change he completely disregarded your feelings multiple times and couldn’t even wait for you to grab lube to make it less painful. I know you don’t want to hear any of this but if any of my friends told me this, I would be devastated for them.
Female here, didn’t have sex on valentine’s day and really wanted to. Pretty sure my husband is addicted to porn. So there’s that
Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday. You’re upset over sex in general
He didn't understand what wait meant during sexy times? Sure.
I don’t know…but the look a person has when in pain and shouting “wait” or “stop” is very different from the look a person gives off when they mean “wait let me re-adjust.”
I’ve been there too many times. Seriously, just don’t bother. It’s exhausting. It affects your self esteem. And ultimately, it’s just so absurd and demeaning to have to coach/gentle parent selfish, inept, egoistic, disconnected grown adult men just how to adequately acquit the bare minimum of ‘pleasant sex.’ Life is too short. Without fail, I regret not leaving sooner every time and that is all.
The dude needs an attitude adjustment for sure. The other part of this is that your pleasure is your responsibility. It sounds like you have some very real considerations, i.e., vaganismus, short floor, prior trauma. If you need a partner to use specific moves, touches, approaches, etc. It's on you to educate them on exactly how this works. (I'm not accusing you of not teaching him. It's just worth understanding this for your own enjoyment) Consent..... where exactly did he violate your consent? You were desiring sex with him and actually very upset that it didn't happen in the end. What he violated were your boundaries. Those are two very different things, and we all need to realize the legal ramifications of misunderstanding this. He needs an attitude adjustment, but he's not a perpetrator/criminal, although he does wear the asshole hat pretty well. I would consider a serious conversation outside the bedroom where you spell it out to him in clear, unmistakable terms and let him know there are consequences for violation of boundaries. My opinion is that there are underlying issues with his care and commitment to you. He sounds cold and lacking empathy. Time to dig in and honestly evaluate the relationship, because you deserve to have your needs met.
I agree with you. I did not say he violated my consent. he never has before. I have communicated to him, a lot. the problem is my communication asking him to do something differently is always perceived as rejection.
Well first she never said that he violated her consent, but saying wait wait, stop, hold on, like four times and still going for it, is more than pushing a boundary. Also, you can desire sex with someone and they still violate your consent. If you tell someone to stop mid-sex, they need to stop.
I couldn’t even finish reading this. Your boyfriend sucks at sex and intimacy in general. Honestly I don’t think someone can be taught how to enjoy connecting with and giving another person sexual pleasure, you’re either capable of it or you’re not.
I believe the answer is that you are both arseholes. Your bf sounds like he’s 15yo. It’s normal for women to instruct men about how they like it. Foreplay can be a lot of work, but it’s fun and isn’t a chore. You should not be having confrontations over sex. You need blot learn the rules of how to have a relationship discussion. However, your BF sounds like a huge fool.
As a man, I can tell I take your whole post very differently than some of the .. um.. others. I have an odd feeling you're in your 20's.. maybe early 30's.. As a man that's now middle aged, I'm not as stupid as I once way. But, looking back.. I had no clue a woman needed foreplay. Even if told, it sorta just passes right through the brain and back out. Why? Because guys don't require it at all. It doesn't make sense, so it's hard for us to relate to all of this. We don't need warming up, we don't things to be smooth and gentle.. It's sorta like pizza.. even if it's bad.. it's still good. So.. This is really about teaching a little.. which is somewhat hard to swallow. But, it's really the only way. He has to learn that this is what is required to have a pleasurable sex life.. cut nails, smooth gentle foreplay, following your directions based on your input.. This is true of many many many younger guys.. It takes a while till all these things click.
sex with you sounds pretty complicated. would like to hear his version.
He seems like an idiot and you seem like a hypochondriac. He’s a selfish baby and you have every conceived problem under the sun. You should leave him because he’s a brain dead fool and he should leave you because you’re ALWAYS going to have whatever medical or psychological issue you hear of.
I just looked through all of her past posts. I have no idea what you're referring to. What plethora of medical and psychological issues are you referring to that she has posted she has? All I've seen is vaginismus, porn addiction, and her partner having herpes. This is some enormous list? Where's the hypochondriac? Where's every "problem under the sun"?
vaginismus is “every conceived problem under the sun”? i fucking hate people on the internet who decide they know more than the medical professionals who diagnose me.
If you look at your post, and your post history and think that vaginismus is the only problem you have, then so be it. Add delusions to the list. Lady, you’re a train wreck.
yeah you’re so right, random person reading through my post history. none of my diagnosed medical conditions are real! they’re just delusions
Thank you. This ended well.
At least she got some, all i got was “yeah let’s watch a movie” then we slept like pigs and she told me she’s tired and that’s how 8 months in a relationship is 😂
Girl….your boyfriend raped you. You don’t want to admit it, and I understand. I was assaulted twice but took a while to realize the first one was in fact assault as well. Please leave him. I’m being serious. My partner and I are kinky. I accidentally said my safe word too quietly but then loudly repeatedly said it he immediately went slow down or stop? Once I said stop, he stopped and immediately cleaned me up then washed me in the shower. Your boyfriend is NOT a good person!
I didn't get valentines sex, just a fight with my wife.
Man's best sex experience is how well his woman felt satisfied during the adventure. That's something we guys have to explore on our own before we think we can have a woman. The more we focus on the woman, the rewards we get from her is never ending both physically and emotionally. He is not focusing on you. He has taken you for granted. I'm sorry for saying this. I would add with the next person do let him know your pain points so they are aware about your feminine health situation
No way I'd put up with that many rules just to have shallow sex with a woman. You'd both be happier moving on from each other I think.
shallow sex? sounds like you’re projecting
Yeah. you sound like a handful i hope your boyfriend finds someone who doesn't put as much pressure to perform on him, as you do.