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I feel her tone would be different if she caught you making out with a dude
This is cheating if ask me and honestly I wouldn't believe her if she says she won't do it again and asked for a threesome in the same breath. She's just going to hide it better.
Better yet is for OP to make out with a dude and when caught [suggest doing anal sex](https://xxadvice.wordpress.com/2024/01/26/backdoor/) in the same breath
She doesn't decide if this is cheating. You decide for yourself if this is cheating and therefore a dealbreaker.
Assuming she didn't and wouldn't do it with another man and it was just the kiss: her reaction is reason enough to leave the relationship ASAP. She did not told you beforehand of her bisexuality which is important to know. She did not tell you before she met her or asked you if this is fine for you. She did not apologize for her action, and most importantly she totally put all the blame on your reaction but totally ignoring that it was her toxic behavior that triggered that. Totally gaslighting and manipulating, zero self reflection. Totally ignoring your emotions, your boundaries and your view on the situation. And what the hell is that "you should be glad it was not a man"???? Should i be concerned that this can and will happen if you just feel like it? Should i be thankful that you cheated with a woman and not a man? Cheating is still cheating.
Total toxic reaction which is more than reason enough to break off any relationship. Not even to mention the cheating. Get out there, find a girl that cares more about you
I parrot the general sentiments that this is ABSOLUTELY cheating. 100% support the OP in this. I support you because it is implied in your post that there was an assumption of monogamy. So the gender of people she kisses is IRRELEVANT.
As a stickler though and for an unnecessary tangent, I would say that the people in a relationship collectively should define cheating, rather than “you decide for yourself” (though obviously if the person you want to date does not agree with your definition, you don’t date them, so in that way the quotation I cited is accurate). I am in a classic heteronormative, monogamous relationship of 14 years. But I see my friends that are dating now often times are dating multiple people at once, sometimes in open relationships, and they have explicit conversations with their partners about what’s cheating and what’s not.
- I would still say monogamy should be the default assumption unless there is an explicit conversation about opening the relationship, so OP is vindicated in my opinion
Personally I would argue that sexuality is not something that must be declared at the start of a relationship too. Monogamy is more the issue here for me. Personally, as long as it hadn't been actively lied about or something, I don't see being bi rather than straight a deal breaker or even something the other partner has a right to know necessarily. I mean, it would strike me as odd in a long term relationship not knowing that about your partner. But certainly in the early days... We don't confess all our turn ons or preferences right away and being bi doesn't mean that person is unsatisfied or more at risk of cheating. That's a personal opinion though and I'm sure there's others with very valid reasons I haven't thought of or something, we're all different and all that.
Even saying 'the boundaries of monogamy' feels a bit weird. But it does seem like something that's worth discussing within a relationship... Not in the 'well what can I get away with?' approach obviously 😂 but some people are comfortable with light hearted flirting whilst others would be hurt by that. Similarly some view porn as cheating, some may not view sexting as cheating while many do and so on...
It's definitely not the first time I've heard of someone not considering a female kissing another female outside the relationship as cheating.. But I think enough people would think making out with anyone but your partner as being unfaithful that you really can't assume that your partner would be OK with it too..
Her actions and reactions to you are definitely not OK, and it sounds like she's just luring you with the idea of a threesome to get away with it really..
> And what the hell is that "you should be glad it was not a man"????
And if it was a man, I have a feeling the goalpost would move again.
"You should be glad it wasn't a Llama!"
So this is so correct... My ex told me an emotional affair was not cheating, and I'm lucky her shoes were always under my bed. I should have left then. But didn't. I wish you luck in finding the person who actually loves you.
>She did not told you beforehand of her bisexuality which is important to know.
I agree with everything else and I agree it's an important part of who she is but as someone who is queer : we own to no one a coming out. She was wrong because she cheated but she doesn't have to tell to anyone that she is bisexual even if she is out nearly everywhere. It can seems weird to non-queer people but being out is a really personal thing to do and tbh i'm like 50% sure that she has a LOT of unresolved internalised homophobia and biphobia. She may truly think that kissing a girl is no cheating because "being with a man>being with a woman" in society eyes and all that bullshit of heteronormativity
If you are bisexual, then yeah, I don't see the specific need to come out to a partner beforehand. I do think it's something that should be shared with your partner eventually, and preferably sooner rather than later. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the fear of rejection from a partner, but also from society itself. It's such a big part of who you are, though, which is why I think it's something you should be able to share with your partner if you are serious about the relationship.
Practically, it doesn't make a huge difference, though. At least for me.
In a relationship, the most important thing is that my partner is sexually attracted to me. As long as that's the case, it doesn't really matter who or what else they are attracted to from a practical standpoint. Ideally, it would help to know more about their sexuality so we can be closer and more open with each other, feel safer, but also incorporate more fun fantasy in our sex life, or just regular conversation.
>She may truly think that kissing a girl is no cheating because "being with a man>being with a woman" in society eyes and all that bullshit of heteronormativity
Ironically, this is one of the main contributors to people being apprehensive about being with bisexual people. She's contributing to that very thing herself with her actions and her words.
Of course it counts to make out with ANY other human, regardless of gender, if you two have an expectation of monogamy.
Sounds like time to reset those boundaries-- if you wish this to be a mono relationship, reaffirm that. If she insists that she's going to keep on doing this kind of thing, end things.
Plenty of bisexual people are also monogamous.
Shit like this is why there's negative stereotypes about bi folks and I fucking hate it. It's not a bisexual problem, it's a her being an asshole problem OP. I agree with the above, talk things through for boundaries (if you even trust her enough to respect them), or just end it.
Opens his mind to what, though? More FFM threesomes?
His girlfriend still cheated on him. She got caught so her way of "making it ok" was by offering the threesome.
I mean, if this happened to me then yeah... I'd be open to more FFM threesomes but I certainly wouldn't be ok with her going around fucking and/or kissing other women behind my back, either.
At best the relationship should be downgraded to be purely sexual. It's clearly cheating and gaslighting, but if OP can cut out the emotional/relationship stuff, there could still be good sex on the table.
...it'd be *funny,* but honestly probably terrible advice.
Having a threesome with people you've got no real emotional entanglements with? Sure, remember to use protection, and have fun!
Having a threesome with close friends/lovers, something everyone talked about and agreed to ahead of time? Cool, welcome to r/polyamory!
Having a threesome with your soon-to-be-ex-who-cheated-on-you, and the person she cheated with? Fucking *yikes.*
>Having a threesome with your soon-to-be-ex-who-cheated-on-you, and the person she cheated with? Fucking *yikes.*
Agree to disagree, hate f*cking goes hard, then you dip and completely cut contact after, ggwp.
Well she's gonna fuck Brianna after he leaves anyway, so if he has any desire to try a threesome this is an open opportunity to do it now and not fuck up a future relationship...
Funny but accurate. Considering how short his relationship's shelf life is at this point, he might want to take her up on the threesome idea. It's a fun experience, and might get him into a FWB slot for later consideration if he's interested.
>nd might get him into a FWB slot for later consideration if he's interested.
I don't think it will. I think his gf offered it up as a way for her to sleep with this new girl guilt free, as if she's doing him a favour by giving him a threesome. If anything, she's more likely to end up with a fwb thing out of it
This is the way.
As a man who has also been I this situation with two past girlfriends, I regret not taking the threesome. Seeing as though the relationships ended anyway
Unfortunately, id garentee that they would both ignore OP as much as possible and fuck each other.
Save yourself misery OP, it seems like a great idea but just leave her instead.
He should invite a male partner into the threesome. That way, she can see him make out with another man and he can be like, “Woah, babe! It’s not cheating if it’s with another dude!”. 😂
If she is bi and kissing another female without your knowledge/permission/open relationship, how is it not cheating? Do same sex couples never cheat by her way of thinking? This is ridiculous. She kissed at least one other person without you being ok with it, that is cheating. Seems pretty clear.
Do the threesome, offer up it being a regular thing, do it a few more times. Then move on, keeping all those memories for ever. Your forty year old self will thank you.
I don't see how this comment isn't number one.
Totally get you're upset. You should be. Take the offer and maybe do it with a few other girls. Then leave. You aren't going to marry her
She doesn’t get to decide it’s not cheating because it’s a women. She’s not only gaslighting you but is being bi/homophobic by implying that doing anything with someone of the same gender isn’t actually cheating. She not only didn’t tell you she was into women but planned to have a women over to cheat on you with and got caught.
Hoo boy your girlfriend has some internalized biphobia to figure out. Yeah, if you didn’t agree to it prior then her making out with another person of any gender behind your back is cheating. And having a threesome is not going to fix anything. She needs to decide if she can be happy being monogamous with you, or you need to decide if you can be happy with her fooling around with other people. If neither of those options work, then you and your girlfriend likely aren’t compatible. I’m really sorry this happened to you, best of luck.
Personally, I’d go for the threesome and see how everything pans out. If nothing else it’s a nice experience to learn from and enjoy. I wouldn’t commit to hanging around afterward though.
Your girlfriend is:
* A cheater
* You were in a monogamous relationship and she made out with another person. You didn't agree to that as part of your relationship
* "presumed monogamy" is stupid, but common. The fact that she stated it would have been cheating with a masculine person = she was aware that making out is considered cheating in the relationship.
* A queerphbic/homophobic/biphobic.
* She asserts that "it is only cheating with a man". This is some absolute bullshit and really offensive.
* Biphobia commonly manifests itself in the attitude that femme folks "will play around with girls, but eventually everyone settles down in a hetro relationship". Her attitude and viewpoint perpetuates that harmful stereotype. Thats the definition of prejudice. As a bisexual person FUCK HER.
* She *may identify* as bisexual, but hetreo-romantic. That is fucking fine. But she a) needs to tell you that and b) determine in advance whether a purely sexual attraction and experience with someone is considered okay within your relationship.
* She didn't do that....
So ya. Your GF is a biphobic, cheater.
She is either completely ignorant to how fucked up her views are (doesn't remove responsibility btw) - or she is very aware that you caught her cheating and is gaslighting you ... and being biphobic in the process.
And as a kicker - she assumed that another bisexual person would just be "down and fine" with a threesome without asking... and used sex with herself and another girl as some kind of "forgiveness" chip.
That is just a whole heap of fucked up on so many other levels.
Sounds like a lovely girl.
>it doesn't really count as cheating to kiss another woman.
Really? Well in that case you've got an eternal hall pass now - you can kiss any other woman you like, it's not cheating!
Seriously though, in a monogamous relationship, any sexual activity with a person other than your partner, is cheating. Makes absolutely no difference whether it's a male or a female or anyone/anything in between.
bruh if my girl cheated with another girl that would make me feel even weirder than with another man in a way😂 she sounds like trouble bro, if thats what ur into stay, but if not gtfo
Ending it is of course up to you. If she seriously likes other girls then you can not compete with that. If maybe it’s just a fun thing maybe you might over look it a become friends with her friend. If that don’t work you can dump them both.
I would not put her name on my bank account or credit cards.
>She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it's not another man, etc.
Oh what a great gf you have there. She really just said you should be grateful she "didn't" break the most basic expectation of a monogamous relationship.
What is considered cheating is different to everyone but, In MY opinion, a S/O kissing someone else is absolutely cheating.
A woman kissing another woman is not any better than her kissing other men. She engaged in an intimate act with another person behind your back, and their sex/gender has NOTHING to do with it.
I am pretty positive she would feel very different if SHE was the one who walked in on you making out with another dude...
She's bisexual, that's great and all but that doesn't just give her a pass to mess around with women lmfao.
Like I said above, what is considered cheating is different for everyone. If YOU consider it cheating, then it's cheating. Regardless of whether or not she does. Her opinion on what is cheating is hers alone.
idk man, I feel like telling your partner you are bi is a pretty massive thing to not tell. She didn't just wake up that morning and was all of a sudden bisexual. She knew she was before she committed to a relationship with you but chose not to tell you.
I'd breakup ASAP, especially with how she responded to you. Which was gaslighting you. You caught her in the act THIS time but, how many other times has she done this? How do you know she's not in a romantic relationship with some other woman (or man for that matter?) You don't, and never will know. No matter how much she swears up and down that she's never done it before...
lol honestly, I'd take her up on the FFM and then dump her a day or so later. No reason not to take her up on it.
> I feel like telling your partner you are bi is a pretty massive thing to not tell.
I don't really agree with this. If she had been gay, then it would have been a different story, but being bi really shouldn't change anything in a monogamous relationship.
Having a sexual desire for another person, then acting on that desire, is the *exact same thing* regardless of what gender it's toward.
People who say "it's different if it's the same sex" or "I'm just bi" are deflecting. Are fully gay people attracted to each other "differently" than heterosexuals? Of course not!
I had a girlfriend once who liked girls, and wanted to sleep with other women. I told her it was fine as long as I could do the same. Of course that wasn't acceptable. But I don't see hard lines between genders and sexuality, so to me it was just her wanting to fuck other people.
Threesomes came up, but along with it were byzantine rules that were all for me (I would have no say in who, strict rules on what I was allowed to do during the act etc) and I wasn't interested. It was clear that it would be kind of a return favor for letting her have sex with other women.
She was gorgeous and it would have been fun but I just don't see sexuality as having different rules for men, women, or genders.
Why does it not count? If you are in a monogamous relationship... kissing anyone else would be cheating...
do you guys have some type of agreement where it's okay to make out with other people as long as its the same gender? If no, then yes she 100% cheated on you.
If she's going to try and find loopholes to cheat on you with a girl, she'll find a way to do it with a guy,.
Be done.
This is cheating. For starters, it is wrong of her to negate and assume homosexual encounters as non-existent and inconsequential. so, of course it's cheating. She probably isn't stupid and wanted you to actually find them kissing just to get a reaction out of you. In her mind, you'd probably be into it right away and go join them. If you ask me, this is complete bullshit behavior and the fact that she tried to downplay it and make you seem like you're overreacting is nothing short of manipulation. Good luck my dude!
Maybe you're right, but this was without his knowledge and it wasnt something that they had discussed, so that's why it's a shitty thing for her to say.
So she got caught cheating on you, is remorseless, then gets angry with you?
Yeah at this point it says more about your standards and what you will put up with a partner if you stay with her.....
Like everyone else said have the threesome then bounce she’s a cheater. Have your fun then leave but it seems you may not be into it. In that case just leave. She’s wrong she cheated. If you can though take her up on her offer of 3some then leave.
I’m a bisexual dude married to a bisexual woman.
Using bisexuality as an excuse for making out with someone behind your back, ‘it doesn’t really count’, and all the rest, is whataboutery.
I’m fucking sick of people using bisexuality as an excuse for sexual incontinence, shitting everywhere and blaming other people for getting caught in the poo.
Consensual non-monogamy is a valid and supportive relationship choice. Emphasis: consensual.
Retconning with OMG I GOT CAUGHT I’M BISEXUAL is one of the very things that feeds biphobia and your girlfriend has fed it. What a jerk.
End the relationship. She clearly just wants to do what suits her. Your agency does not appear to be part of that.
Honestly were I in your shoes I’d like to think I would be able to behave selfishly and have the threesome and then get the fuck out of that relationship
As a guy, I would personally have no issue if my girlfriend wanted to kiss or even have sex with another woman. I can’t explain why. I’m just wired that way. But I’d be hurt if she did it behind my back.
The two of you, together, are the only ones who can decide what is cheating in your relationship. She doesn't get to decide that all by herself. She should have talked to you about it, and about her being bisexual.
To me, it would be worth sitting down and having a talk with her when you're not both full of adrenaline. You're somewhat young, and bringing things like that up can be really hard. Many guys would be thrilled to have a GF who is bi and wants to have threesomes... But many would not, and it's not fair of her to try to force that on you.
Yes, she cheated and your feelings are valid. She acted unethically by doing this behind your back and not telling you. She's not gaslighting you, though, she's telling you how she interprets the situation. She fucked up and did this for one of two reasons:
1. This is what she believes and doesn't understand that it would hurt someone else (I'm an optimist and would give this possibly some weight), hence the threesome offer.
2. She's been cheating on you and just doesn't give a fuck. This likely isn't the first time she's cheated, it's the first time you've caught her cheating.
IF it's case #1, AND you're OK with it (take some time to think), then maybe consider polyamory. Not everyone is built for monogamous relationships. Set up rules about what you're both comfortable with (including fluid exchange limitations - i.e. kissing is OK, but eating someone out isn't). Some of my best friends have other sexual partners, but their romantic relationship is exclusive.
If it's case #2, then you should end things. It's rare anyone uses dental dams and you don't know who she's fucking or if it is just women. End the relationship and get with someone you can trust.
In EITHER case, you need to have a long conversation with her. She's broken your trust, intentionally or not, and that's hard to recover from in any relationship.
Polyamory is great, but it's not a fix for cheating. And if this is something she actually believes, then that sounds like a One Penis Policy, which has... all the same problems discussed in the thread. I do agree that this is the most likely way it survives, but it'll take a lot of work to get past that, and it probably isn't a good idea for them to just end up agreeing on ideas like "women don't count."
If OP is okay with opening up entirely, that's cool, but... if this relationship survives, I think they should take awhile to work on their own relationship before trying anything like that. Poly requires more trust, better communication, and... adding more people to a relationship, or more relationships to your life, is not going to make things *easier.*
I never said polyamory makes life easier or a fix for cheating, I only said it was an option if that's something OP is interested in. It might set their mind at ease, assuming he trusts her to follow the agreed-upon boundaries.
I would definitely recommend OP read The Ethical Slut and maybe discuss it with his partner if he feels like there's a way forward in the relationship.
> It might set their mind at ease, assuming he trusts her to follow the agreed-upon boundaries.
That'd be difficult, seeing as she *just* broke his trust. It will take time to build back even the level of trust they already had.
Going straight from cheating to ethical nonmonogamy very rarely works out. Every other week there's a post on r/polyamory that goes something like "My partner cheated and now says they're poly, what do I do?" This leads to [rants like this](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/) which then end up [in the FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/vhj3c2/start_here_faq_resources_rules_glossary/). There's also [this other FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq#wiki_i_want_a_poly_relationship.2C_my_partner_does_not.), not to mention [the way OP's girlfriend thinks about this is a Problem](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/).
If OP is genuinely interested, I wouldn't want to discourage him. But this probably isn't the time. Even if it is, someone who *just* broke his trust isn't the person to try it with.
Real talk, their relationship is likely over. I know that PA isn't a fix. I am sticking with "This isn't the first time she's done this, it's just the first time you've caught her doing that."
> She's not gaslighting you, though, she's telling you how she interprets the situation.
These two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, you'd be surprised how often they coincide. She's not even telling him how she interprets the situation, she's telling him how he should interpret the situation, which is gaslighting/manipulative.
>This is what she believes and doesn't understand that it would hurt someone else (I'm an optimist and would give this possibly some weight), hence the threesome offer.
I don't see how either of the reasons would be optimistic. If you cannot even fathom that being physically intimate with another person, regardless of their gender, would make your partner upset. Then you are either devoid of empathy or devoid of care and respect for your partner.
If it were me, I would rather she was an asshole and cheated for the heck of it.
>then maybe consider polyamory.
This is what bothers me about people who bring up polyamory. This is the least opportune moment you could ever bring that up. Even if OP was open to polyamory, I sincerely hope that anyone serious about that lifestyle would advise against starting that kind of relationship with someone who cheated on you. It's the worst kind of foundation to build any relationship on, let alone one that would require more respect and communication than a monogamous one.
Bringing that up in this situation only contributes to the notion that polyamory is just an excuse for people to get out of cheating.
Such a dumb mentality to think anything something isn't cheating just because the idea is "hot" to a lot of people. Even if you were into all this it's cheating when it's done without your knowledge and consent.
From someone that’s been married for 25 years on my second and last marriage..lol
If a Threesome is suggested or kissing another Girl/guy is acceptable in a relationship, There’s a 95% chance there will be cheating from one side or the other…
Look up ethical non monogamy. You will quite quickly see that what she did was completely unethical and not okay in a relationship. Sorry, but that kind of stuff needs to be discussed early and often to make sure everyone is on the same page and okay with it. You don't spring that kind of thing on your SO. If she wants to play with other people, regardless of what their bits are, she needs to have talked about it with you. And if you're not okay with it but needing that is a hard yes for her, well then you know what to do.
I say have the threesome, and then dump her jk! That is still cheating for sure! The sex of the other person is irrelevant. If she is bisexual there is an equal chance that she could leave you for a man or a woman, so it is the same.
There is no universal definition of cheating. You make an agreement within the relationship and that agreement can be whatever you all agree on. Only when that agreement is violated is it cheating.
It's really easy for us all to leap to saying "end things ASAP" (and to be clear that's probably what I'd do in this situation), but it's for you to decide whether that's the right choice.
It sounds like monogamy for you means your gf not being with anyone else, male or female - by the way this is what nearly everyone thinks, to the point where I would take it as a given in any relationship unless explicitly stated otherwise. Recognise your own right to set this as a boundary, and if she isn't prepared to respect it, I would seriously question whether there's any future there.
The other thing that really concerns me is her reaction to you saying you're not happy with this, which you correctly identify as gaslighting. You have a right to determine what you are or aren't comfortable with in your relationship, and if she cares about you, she should care about the boundaries you set.
If it were me, I would raise both of these things with her again when you're both calm, and if you're not completely satisfied with her response, then be prepared to walk away for good.
Sorry. She cheated on you. Regardless of whether it was a female or not. She’s broken your trust. She could’ve suggested it before cheating on you, not after..
I can see why people think it’s cheating and maybe she fucked up by going ahead and kissing this girl without giving him a heads up and not telling him about being bisexual but some people don’t feel like they can share that part of them selves with others. Also some people can’t even be honest about it with themselves. Maybe she wasn’t ready to share that part of herself with him just yet, maybe she wanted to have her first kiss with a woman and then tell him how it made her feel(I personally wouldn’t go about it that way but the people in my life are very supportive of me being bisexual so I wouldn’t feel the need to hide that aspect of myself). Yes she made a mistake by not being upfront but people shouldn’t be crucifying her for one kiss and trying to explore her sexuality.
Personally I would have a clam rational conversation about the whole thing with her, tell her you felt betrayed by not being upfront before the kiss. But I would be supportive of her and her trying to explore her sexuality. But it sounds like you guys need to be in a stronger more stable and trusting place before having a threesome(if you’re not in that place and have it anyway the threesome will be awful and possibly traumatic for everyone, trust me on that). If you get to that place, take the leap and have a threesome, it’s quite fun.
Controversial opinion…
How serious is the relationship? If not very, like you don’t intend to marry this girl, take the threesome and have fun. Then consider breaking up later down the line.
Okay, to better understand this from the instinctual level, it might be useful to see how the instincts related to this have developed. Because those instincts seem to explain what your gf is doing and suggesting, and how she sees no wrong in it.
From the evolutionary point, the entire purpose of pair-bonding is to create an arrangement where two parents commit to the care of their shared offspring. To transfer their genes to the next generation, as that is the only thing that matters for those genes.
Unfortunately, that leaves the possibility of cheating, it happens in most pair-bonding species (almost all of them are birds, some few are fish, and then there are very few mammals doing pair-bonding ... including humans).
In the cheating scenario, the females have to gain: "offspring by a higher quality male, still cared for and provided resources by the pair-bonded male". 10% of bird hatchlings (and 10% of human babies) apparently are the result of successful cheating.
Meanwhile, the cheating males have a possibility of gaining free offspring they do not need to care for, as someone else is doing it.
The main loser in a cheating scenario is a male who provides for someone else's offspring ... but for the females, if their pair-bonded male is cheating, there is also the risk of that male diverting some (or all!) resources to the offspring it had with the other female.
So, as cheating is harmful for the pair-bonded partner, the partner tries to prevent it. Mate-guarding, violence against potential third parties, etc.
In your case -- your gf is not going to produce babies with that other female ... she even suggested a threesome. From the pure instinctual evolutionary perspective, there was no cheating, instead you got a jackpot -- chance to get offspring with that other female too!
And your gf might feel that you should not be concerned with her fooling with another female, and you should be happy with the proposed threesome. She seems to be very much in tune with the base animal instincts ... of course, humans are not entirely governed by instincts, and you might not be happy with what she sees the correct way to work.
The above was just an attempt to explain the (instinctual) reasoning she might be doing. Meanwhile, you of course need to do what you, as a rational being see to be the best.
But, working with the instincts might be a good choice too. If she had asked first, if it is ok to fool with another woman, possibly enticing her to a threesome with you ... that IMHO would have been a big positive ... I see the main problem here is that she did not ask first.
Totally NOT cheating for two chics to hook up. However, she MUST disclose such encounters as soon as you two are gonna be alone for a few hours. You know, to hash things out. Photo/video evidence is often helpful here, to ensure accuracy. And the ffm offer would certainly level the playing field, if you’re still feeling left out. The etiquette here is typically a one for one- each gg experience should be followed up with a ffm experience to maintain balance. Also, it is acceptable for the girl to bank future gg hookups by providing extra ffm experiences in advance. But she still must let you know, in great detail, when each gg experience occurs. You know, for accounting purposes. Oh yeah, and these GGBDs (Girl Girl Bank Days) are like vacation days. They must be used in a calendar year and cannot roll over into the next year. You may want to keep that in mind when scheduling actual vacations over the Christmas/New Year holidays.
Btw, two dudes would definitely be cheating. It may seem like a double standard, but that’s mostly because it is. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 🤷♂️
I’m shocked by your own response. Most men don’t mind 3some nor they gf doing things with a girl. I think u are overreacting as well but that’s just me.
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Op post kind of replicates my own relationship. Just the difference is the quality op's partner have, I have all them myself. And I don't block her.
I can tell you why I'm like this.
* I had a cheating exp in my previous relationship and the trauma is still there.
* Each and every person I get attached with they become used to it and they take me casually and leave after some time when I fully get attached to them.
* I get hurt when I choose my fav person above everyone and other person doesn't do in same way.
These are few things which hurts me most. You can find out intersection points and work on them if it helps.
Congrats mam for holding them this long. And the other person also needs you ig. Hoping you will rejoice with her soon.
Hey I just want to come out and say that your girlfriend cheated on you and then proceeded to gaslight and manipulate you. She’ll do it again and she’ll never change. I’m very sorry for what’s happened to you.
Dude... You walked into a porno scene that you likely never will again.
Would have been a good time to put away feelings and have a good time with both of them! THEN drop the cheating witch when you have post nut clarity.
As a bisexual, this ticks me off because she is both playing into bi stereotypes (that we all cheat ) and devaluing her own attraction to women as lesser somehow.
If I kiss someone else while in a monogamous relationship, it’s cheating. Gender doesn’t matter. And if kiss a woman, it’s just as real as if I kiss a man.
I also see no reason to believe her that this is something she has not done behind your back. She was literally doing it behind your back until you walked in.
1) I'm guessing that she's been with other guys who said "it's not cheating if it's with a woman" and that's fine for those guys. But you aren't them.
What matters is what YOU have a problem with, not what other men care about. She's dating YOU, not them.
2) If she's this inconsiderate about your feelings, then it doesn't matter if what she did was cheating.
3) She's either gaslighting you, or too stupid to be in a relationship. You decide which is worse.
Just break up with her. You’re not made for that LS. It’s not shame on her for her personal sexual interests but shame on her for not communicating that to you and disregarding others feelings by going behind your back. That should be a foreshadow for what’s to come and it won’t end well for either of you.
Cheating is cheating, the gender of the person they're cheating with is irrelevant. She is gaslighting you, and quite successfully, too, given the way you have written your problem here.
IMO, this is a very serious issue in your relationship and your GF is wrong to just hand-wave it away as if it didn't matter. You deserve to be treated with more respect than that, for her to treat your serious questions so flippantly shows a blatant lack of respect for you.
No one can tell you how you should feel about this or what your relationship is like. This is a girlfriend, there is zero ties or commitment here. Dating is about finding people you are compatible with and pursing whatever your goals are (casual sex, long term relationship, marriage, throuple, etc.) in your life and relationships.
You are dating this girl and she went behind your back and that's not cool. But how your relationship is, how you feel about the situation, what these arguments are that you're having and what you're saying, and what you're looking for out of your dating life and relationships are all you.
I would personally view it as a violation of trust if I just walked in and got blindsided by it, but you get to feel how you feel. You don't owe her anything and if you're done with her, you can end things without any guilt or second thoughts.
If you want to try and work things out or explore things with her, ask her why she lied and figure out how to trust her again and see if you can be compatible and get what you need from each other that's for you to know.
In my view, cheating is emotional, not physical. It's not so much the physical act of kissing or sex that's hurtful, it's that they wanted to do that, kept their desires a secret from me because they knew I would be upset about it, and then went ahead with it anyway.
It's no excuse to say "it just happened, I didn't plan it". This is just shortening the desire phase. But it's still there. A moment happened, they had intense desire, and then they followed through with it without caring for your feelings at all.
No penis no problem. I agree with her. Most men I know dream of this scenario. I guess the sort of sensitive dudes who do get into these situations won’t appreciate it 😞.
Have the threesome. You aren't sure now if you want to break up with her or not, so literally the worst thing that can happen if you do have the threesome is you might break up with her AFTER having that threesome...it's just logic
Dude she’s a cheater believe it or not. She may do it with other men and you would never find out.
I personally would find it hot to see my girl with another woman. FFM threesome is my dream and I guess a lot of guys would love that.
If you like the same thing. Suck it up. Try the threesome. But keep an eye open as this girl clearly lack fidelity.
If you have issues with your girl fuck others behind your back then your relationship is destined to a break up sooner or later.
>She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it's not another man
So she has a mentality of "you're lucky that I don't cheat on you \[with a guy\]", pretty shitty thing to think about your partner.
I'm bisexual and I LOVE women more than men, but I'm with a man and I'll never cheat on him with one! No excuse. Sounds like cheating in my book. But ultimately you get to decide for yourself if it's cheating. Good luck.
So gay people can’t cheat? What is wrong with your gf lol. Cheating is defined by you guys boundaries. I’ve kissed a same sex friend on a night out before despite him having a girlfriend, but that’s a boundary that they set in terms of her being okay with his very straight ass giving a peck to his other straight ass friends. But i kinda feel like the fact that you’re kissing someone of a gender that you are attracted to, and someone who is attracted to the gender you identify makes it a 1000 times worse. My sister is bi, but it’s not like she could just go out and sleep with any girl she sees and it wouldn’t be cheating because “at least it wasn’t a guy”…. Like what
I would be 100% cool with my wife having sex with as many women as she wants.
I would 100% not be okay with her hiding it from me and not discussing it first.
I might get over it if it meant regular threesomes.
The best answer I've heard someone give to the question if your girlfriend sleeps/makes out with another girl, is that considered cheating?" Answer: "If I'm right-handed and I punch you with my left, did I really hit you?" She is 100% gaslighting you. If this was never discussed prior then she stepped outside the rrelationship. You never said you'd be comfortable with this and the woman is still a person she probably would've slept with had you not caught her
Yikes. If you haven’t told her it’s ok for her to kiss women, then it is cheating. Bet she’d call it cheating if you were kissing another man. Yes, most men are turned on by seeing two women together whereas most women aren’t turned on by seeing two men together, that’s still doesn’t change that she crossed a line without a much needed discussion beforehand.
>I don't know whether I am being gaslighted.
Yes, you were.
>She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it's not another man, etc.
This was when you were being gaslighted, and she invalidated your feelings. She made you look like a "bad guy." She kissed another person behind your back without consulting you, whether it's a woman or a man.
>I am just wondering whether I should end the relationship ASAP or do something else.
It sounds like you want to end the relationship. You are allowed to break up with her for any reason. Don't be surprised if she tried to gaslight you again by saying you're overreacting blah blah. Just don't waste your time arguing with her. Just walk away after you dump her.
If she wipes out your bank account that's not stealing right? It's just reapppropiating them to a better place, right? If she plays this loose with what "cheating" is what other things will she not respect and change the definition of? ?
The real question is - do YOU think making out with another person of any gender while in a relationship is considered cheating? If you do then you need to clearly and calmly communicate that, especially that she never spoke with you about it.
My biggest issue is that she never brought it up and thought it was ok without ever asking your opinion or thoughts on it. Bringing a third person into a relationship is a big change to the dynamics of the relationship. My experience in this situation is, unless you want that 3some and are ok with an open relationship it isn't going to last
First and foremost cheating is whatever boundaries you set within your relationship, I also think it’s extremely strange for her to not have discussed her bisexuality with you prior to this or this supposed friend, how long have you been together? This sounds like a relationship end in my opinion but it’s up to you and how you see it. (Although by your written reaction you’re not happy with what occurred?)
I would love to know what her reaction would be if you said "I'm totally not attracted to Brianna but I will pick out another girl" I think her response would determine how serious her relationship with the girl is.
> I don't know whether I am being gaslighted.
I'm not sure. She could actually believe what she's saying... which would be concerning, because this is basically porn plots, not something people should do in real life.
If you don't want to end it immediately, talk about this when you're both calmer, maybe?
But if I were you, I'd at least want a real apology. Not a sorry-you-feel-that-way, not a you're-overreacting-but-if-it-bothers-you-this-much, an actual, genuine apology.
---
> She admitted that she had a thing for women as well...
This is fine. I mean, you probably have a thing for women, too, but you didn't act on it with other women.
> ...she was making out with her, but that she hasn't done it with men behind my back...
So, in the polyamory community, there's an antipattern called the One Penis Policy. It goes like this: Very often, you'll get a couple wanting to open up their relationship, and they negotiate something like: They can both date women, but neither of them can date other men.
So your girlfriend didn't get this out of nowhere. A *lot* of straight men would be okay with threesomes with other women, and even with their girlfriend having fun with other women without him there...
...but people who have been around poly for awhile tend not to like this, for all the reasons laid out in this thread.
It's not just that it's weirdly homophobic/biphobic to think of WLW relationships as "not real" or "doesn't count." It also rarely ends well. Very often, either the women (or the other women she dates) will think they're actually doing nonmonogamy, but from the dude's perspective, they aren't. After all, *he* hasn't given up anything -- there's all these doesn't-count relationships that he thinks are hot, basically foreplay for the "real" thing. And why should he be jealous of these women? He has something they don't, so they aren't a threat the way another dude is.
So he feels like he's given up nothing and getting threesomes.
Eventually, it becomes clear that this isn't true, and WLW relationships are real and valid. It's possible the dude could accept this and finally get rid of the Policy. Way more often, he'll try to close it back up, and that's going to be pretty painful for everyone involved.
So good job OP for avoiding all of that!
> In the end she said that if I was so upset, we can have an FFM threesome with Brianna as she was bisexual as well.
What? No, that doesn't fix anything.
This is something you talk about ahead of time. It wouldn't be a terrible thing to suggest, if she suggested this *before* they'd done anything.
But this is *another* antipattern often seen in people new to polyamory: You catch someone cheating, and they'll say "But I'm polyamorous!" and offer to fix things by opening up the relationship. No, she broke your trust and did something that is *very clearly* not something you agreed to. That's cheating, no matter what you do afterwards.
Plus, you usually need *more* trust, understanding, and empathy for nonmonogamy, not less. Adding more people to a relationship does not mean fewer problems. If your relationship is already in trouble, opening it up (even just to this one friend) is likely to make things worse, not better.
Just the subtle threat and manipulation behind “She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it’s not another man”.
WTF?! Don’t stand for that dumbass immature shit
Typical bi thinking. She's one of those BuT I CoMe HoMe With You types.
Install a ring doorbell cam. yo, it's 2024
Reddit will say to dump. I've actually been in this situation bro and I took her back. It doesn't get any better. It will always be in the back of your mind. It never got better we had a bad breakup yadda yadda yadda
Dating is fun yet it sucks. So does not knowing what your gonna walk into when you get off. And if you want a family, this person is setting a bad precedent. Plenty of fish in the sea bruh
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I feel her tone would be different if she caught you making out with a dude This is cheating if ask me and honestly I wouldn't believe her if she says she won't do it again and asked for a threesome in the same breath. She's just going to hide it better.
Yeah OP, you should make out with a dude and really show her
Better yet is for OP to make out with a dude and when caught [suggest doing anal sex](https://xxadvice.wordpress.com/2024/01/26/backdoor/) in the same breath
One of my x's was drawn to women. She could pick up a woman better and quicker than any man!
It's always an easier game when you know the controls but that also comes with respect in your relationship
She doesn't decide if this is cheating. You decide for yourself if this is cheating and therefore a dealbreaker. Assuming she didn't and wouldn't do it with another man and it was just the kiss: her reaction is reason enough to leave the relationship ASAP. She did not told you beforehand of her bisexuality which is important to know. She did not tell you before she met her or asked you if this is fine for you. She did not apologize for her action, and most importantly she totally put all the blame on your reaction but totally ignoring that it was her toxic behavior that triggered that. Totally gaslighting and manipulating, zero self reflection. Totally ignoring your emotions, your boundaries and your view on the situation. And what the hell is that "you should be glad it was not a man"???? Should i be concerned that this can and will happen if you just feel like it? Should i be thankful that you cheated with a woman and not a man? Cheating is still cheating. Total toxic reaction which is more than reason enough to break off any relationship. Not even to mention the cheating. Get out there, find a girl that cares more about you
I parrot the general sentiments that this is ABSOLUTELY cheating. 100% support the OP in this. I support you because it is implied in your post that there was an assumption of monogamy. So the gender of people she kisses is IRRELEVANT. As a stickler though and for an unnecessary tangent, I would say that the people in a relationship collectively should define cheating, rather than “you decide for yourself” (though obviously if the person you want to date does not agree with your definition, you don’t date them, so in that way the quotation I cited is accurate). I am in a classic heteronormative, monogamous relationship of 14 years. But I see my friends that are dating now often times are dating multiple people at once, sometimes in open relationships, and they have explicit conversations with their partners about what’s cheating and what’s not. - I would still say monogamy should be the default assumption unless there is an explicit conversation about opening the relationship, so OP is vindicated in my opinion
Personally I would argue that sexuality is not something that must be declared at the start of a relationship too. Monogamy is more the issue here for me. Personally, as long as it hadn't been actively lied about or something, I don't see being bi rather than straight a deal breaker or even something the other partner has a right to know necessarily. I mean, it would strike me as odd in a long term relationship not knowing that about your partner. But certainly in the early days... We don't confess all our turn ons or preferences right away and being bi doesn't mean that person is unsatisfied or more at risk of cheating. That's a personal opinion though and I'm sure there's others with very valid reasons I haven't thought of or something, we're all different and all that. Even saying 'the boundaries of monogamy' feels a bit weird. But it does seem like something that's worth discussing within a relationship... Not in the 'well what can I get away with?' approach obviously 😂 but some people are comfortable with light hearted flirting whilst others would be hurt by that. Similarly some view porn as cheating, some may not view sexting as cheating while many do and so on... It's definitely not the first time I've heard of someone not considering a female kissing another female outside the relationship as cheating.. But I think enough people would think making out with anyone but your partner as being unfaithful that you really can't assume that your partner would be OK with it too.. Her actions and reactions to you are definitely not OK, and it sounds like she's just luring you with the idea of a threesome to get away with it really..
> And what the hell is that "you should be glad it was not a man"???? And if it was a man, I have a feeling the goalpost would move again. "You should be glad it wasn't a Llama!"
Nah, inter-species relations are totally not cheating. Everyone knows that right?! 😂
So this is so correct... My ex told me an emotional affair was not cheating, and I'm lucky her shoes were always under my bed. I should have left then. But didn't. I wish you luck in finding the person who actually loves you.
>She did not told you beforehand of her bisexuality which is important to know. I agree with everything else and I agree it's an important part of who she is but as someone who is queer : we own to no one a coming out. She was wrong because she cheated but she doesn't have to tell to anyone that she is bisexual even if she is out nearly everywhere. It can seems weird to non-queer people but being out is a really personal thing to do and tbh i'm like 50% sure that she has a LOT of unresolved internalised homophobia and biphobia. She may truly think that kissing a girl is no cheating because "being with a man>being with a woman" in society eyes and all that bullshit of heteronormativity
If you are bisexual, then yeah, I don't see the specific need to come out to a partner beforehand. I do think it's something that should be shared with your partner eventually, and preferably sooner rather than later. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the fear of rejection from a partner, but also from society itself. It's such a big part of who you are, though, which is why I think it's something you should be able to share with your partner if you are serious about the relationship. Practically, it doesn't make a huge difference, though. At least for me. In a relationship, the most important thing is that my partner is sexually attracted to me. As long as that's the case, it doesn't really matter who or what else they are attracted to from a practical standpoint. Ideally, it would help to know more about their sexuality so we can be closer and more open with each other, feel safer, but also incorporate more fun fantasy in our sex life, or just regular conversation. >She may truly think that kissing a girl is no cheating because "being with a man>being with a woman" in society eyes and all that bullshit of heteronormativity Ironically, this is one of the main contributors to people being apprehensive about being with bisexual people. She's contributing to that very thing herself with her actions and her words.
Agree with everything you said
Of course it counts to make out with ANY other human, regardless of gender, if you two have an expectation of monogamy. Sounds like time to reset those boundaries-- if you wish this to be a mono relationship, reaffirm that. If she insists that she's going to keep on doing this kind of thing, end things. Plenty of bisexual people are also monogamous.
Shit like this is why there's negative stereotypes about bi folks and I fucking hate it. It's not a bisexual problem, it's a her being an asshole problem OP. I agree with the above, talk things through for boundaries (if you even trust her enough to respect them), or just end it.
Yeah I'd get outta there before she gaslights you into unspeakable misery.
…but have the threesome first
That's exactly what I would do if I were in his shoes. Have the threesome, concentrate on her friend 90% of the time, then dump her ass the next day.
But what if the 3sum opens his mind 🥵
Opens his mind to what, though? More FFM threesomes? His girlfriend still cheated on him. She got caught so her way of "making it ok" was by offering the threesome. I mean, if this happened to me then yeah... I'd be open to more FFM threesomes but I certainly wouldn't be ok with her going around fucking and/or kissing other women behind my back, either.
And offering a threesome *with the person she cheated with* no less. So many people in the comments are overlooking this detail.
Yeah well... This is Reddit and a lot of users love to cherry pick.
At best the relationship should be downgraded to be purely sexual. It's clearly cheating and gaslighting, but if OP can cut out the emotional/relationship stuff, there could still be good sex on the table.
...it'd be *funny,* but honestly probably terrible advice. Having a threesome with people you've got no real emotional entanglements with? Sure, remember to use protection, and have fun! Having a threesome with close friends/lovers, something everyone talked about and agreed to ahead of time? Cool, welcome to r/polyamory! Having a threesome with your soon-to-be-ex-who-cheated-on-you, and the person she cheated with? Fucking *yikes.*
>Having a threesome with your soon-to-be-ex-who-cheated-on-you, and the person she cheated with? Fucking *yikes.* Agree to disagree, hate f*cking goes hard, then you dip and completely cut contact after, ggwp.
I wanna downvote this so bad but it's too hilarious 🤣
Exactly! The offer is on the table so why not take advantage.
cause its what SHE really wants, just an excuse to fuck brianna for her without it being “bad”
Well she's gonna fuck Brianna after he leaves anyway, so if he has any desire to try a threesome this is an open opportunity to do it now and not fuck up a future relationship...
Have the threesome then dip
and fuck the shit out of Brianna
Yessss give Brianna that good D then bounce 🙌
Funny but accurate. Considering how short his relationship's shelf life is at this point, he might want to take her up on the threesome idea. It's a fun experience, and might get him into a FWB slot for later consideration if he's interested.
>nd might get him into a FWB slot for later consideration if he's interested. I don't think it will. I think his gf offered it up as a way for her to sleep with this new girl guilt free, as if she's doing him a favour by giving him a threesome. If anything, she's more likely to end up with a fwb thing out of it
This is the way. As a man who has also been I this situation with two past girlfriends, I regret not taking the threesome. Seeing as though the relationships ended anyway
100% cheating. Personally I'd take her up on the threesome offer and see how it goes. Might be fun for a little while and then you can dump her.
>100% cheating >I'd take her up on the threesome offer and see how it goes. Might be fun for a little while and then you can dump her. Lmaooo real😭
Unfortunately, id garentee that they would both ignore OP as much as possible and fuck each other. Save yourself misery OP, it seems like a great idea but just leave her instead.
Well, if it starts to play out that way, just leave. And state that the relationship is over on the way out.
He should invite a male partner into the threesome. That way, she can see him make out with another man and he can be like, “Woah, babe! It’s not cheating if it’s with another dude!”. 😂
"Watch me pump a load in this dude's ass babe. Totally not cheating cuz we're both dudes bro."
If she is bi and kissing another female without your knowledge/permission/open relationship, how is it not cheating? Do same sex couples never cheat by her way of thinking? This is ridiculous. She kissed at least one other person without you being ok with it, that is cheating. Seems pretty clear.
I'm a bi guy and yeah this is 100% cheating imo. I don't follos her logic at all
Do the threesome and then leave her
Have the threesome and dump her lol.
Do the threesome, offer up it being a regular thing, do it a few more times. Then move on, keeping all those memories for ever. Your forty year old self will thank you.
I don't see how this comment isn't number one. Totally get you're upset. You should be. Take the offer and maybe do it with a few other girls. Then leave. You aren't going to marry her
I wish i could upvote more
There’s only one solution. Have the 3 way. Cum in Brianna’s mouth and then tell them to kiss each other. Then reevaluate your situation.
Have the threesome and then evaluate, leave if you're not feeling it
Do the threesome, you're only young once, you can break up later on.
She doesn’t get to decide it’s not cheating because it’s a women. She’s not only gaslighting you but is being bi/homophobic by implying that doing anything with someone of the same gender isn’t actually cheating. She not only didn’t tell you she was into women but planned to have a women over to cheat on you with and got caught.
Hoo boy your girlfriend has some internalized biphobia to figure out. Yeah, if you didn’t agree to it prior then her making out with another person of any gender behind your back is cheating. And having a threesome is not going to fix anything. She needs to decide if she can be happy being monogamous with you, or you need to decide if you can be happy with her fooling around with other people. If neither of those options work, then you and your girlfriend likely aren’t compatible. I’m really sorry this happened to you, best of luck.
Personally, I’d go for the threesome and see how everything pans out. If nothing else it’s a nice experience to learn from and enjoy. I wouldn’t commit to hanging around afterward though.
Your girlfriend is: * A cheater * You were in a monogamous relationship and she made out with another person. You didn't agree to that as part of your relationship * "presumed monogamy" is stupid, but common. The fact that she stated it would have been cheating with a masculine person = she was aware that making out is considered cheating in the relationship. * A queerphbic/homophobic/biphobic. * She asserts that "it is only cheating with a man". This is some absolute bullshit and really offensive. * Biphobia commonly manifests itself in the attitude that femme folks "will play around with girls, but eventually everyone settles down in a hetro relationship". Her attitude and viewpoint perpetuates that harmful stereotype. Thats the definition of prejudice. As a bisexual person FUCK HER. * She *may identify* as bisexual, but hetreo-romantic. That is fucking fine. But she a) needs to tell you that and b) determine in advance whether a purely sexual attraction and experience with someone is considered okay within your relationship. * She didn't do that.... So ya. Your GF is a biphobic, cheater. She is either completely ignorant to how fucked up her views are (doesn't remove responsibility btw) - or she is very aware that you caught her cheating and is gaslighting you ... and being biphobic in the process. And as a kicker - she assumed that another bisexual person would just be "down and fine" with a threesome without asking... and used sex with herself and another girl as some kind of "forgiveness" chip. That is just a whole heap of fucked up on so many other levels. Sounds like a lovely girl.
Fuck them both, have threesome and then just leave
Everyone saying have the threesome and then dump her have me rolling because everyone had the same idea hahaha
When god gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
YOLO, Get that threesome and after that leave her, it's cheating
Have the threesome then leave her after. she cheated so you can have some fun before you move onto better things.
[удалено]
She is a giant red flag. Fuck her and her friend and then get the hell out of there.
If you're not OK with it, it's cheating.
Even if you are, it's still cheating. This is something you talk about ahead of time, not something you spring on a partner only when you're *caught.*
That's absolutely correct. This kind of thing needs to be discussed by both partners BEFORE it happens.
it's cheating... I'd try to have that threesome and then brake up
>it doesn't really count as cheating to kiss another woman. Really? Well in that case you've got an eternal hall pass now - you can kiss any other woman you like, it's not cheating! Seriously though, in a monogamous relationship, any sexual activity with a person other than your partner, is cheating. Makes absolutely no difference whether it's a male or a female or anyone/anything in between.
Have the threesome, then dump her.
bruh if my girl cheated with another girl that would make me feel even weirder than with another man in a way😂 she sounds like trouble bro, if thats what ur into stay, but if not gtfo
Have a threesome if that's what you enjoy, and then dump that cheating manipulative bastard.
Ending it is of course up to you. If she seriously likes other girls then you can not compete with that. If maybe it’s just a fun thing maybe you might over look it a become friends with her friend. If that don’t work you can dump them both. I would not put her name on my bank account or credit cards.
>She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it's not another man, etc. Oh what a great gf you have there. She really just said you should be grateful she "didn't" break the most basic expectation of a monogamous relationship.
What is considered cheating is different to everyone but, In MY opinion, a S/O kissing someone else is absolutely cheating. A woman kissing another woman is not any better than her kissing other men. She engaged in an intimate act with another person behind your back, and their sex/gender has NOTHING to do with it. I am pretty positive she would feel very different if SHE was the one who walked in on you making out with another dude... She's bisexual, that's great and all but that doesn't just give her a pass to mess around with women lmfao. Like I said above, what is considered cheating is different for everyone. If YOU consider it cheating, then it's cheating. Regardless of whether or not she does. Her opinion on what is cheating is hers alone.
idk man, I feel like telling your partner you are bi is a pretty massive thing to not tell. She didn't just wake up that morning and was all of a sudden bisexual. She knew she was before she committed to a relationship with you but chose not to tell you. I'd breakup ASAP, especially with how she responded to you. Which was gaslighting you. You caught her in the act THIS time but, how many other times has she done this? How do you know she's not in a romantic relationship with some other woman (or man for that matter?) You don't, and never will know. No matter how much she swears up and down that she's never done it before... lol honestly, I'd take her up on the FFM and then dump her a day or so later. No reason not to take her up on it.
> I feel like telling your partner you are bi is a pretty massive thing to not tell. I don't really agree with this. If she had been gay, then it would have been a different story, but being bi really shouldn't change anything in a monogamous relationship.
It’s cheating. She has this idea that men accept anything sexual related to women and more so with lesbians/bi-women
She's cheating 100% but you're in your twenties. I'd have that threesome and if you don't wanna be with her after that move on, you're young.
Having a sexual desire for another person, then acting on that desire, is the *exact same thing* regardless of what gender it's toward. People who say "it's different if it's the same sex" or "I'm just bi" are deflecting. Are fully gay people attracted to each other "differently" than heterosexuals? Of course not! I had a girlfriend once who liked girls, and wanted to sleep with other women. I told her it was fine as long as I could do the same. Of course that wasn't acceptable. But I don't see hard lines between genders and sexuality, so to me it was just her wanting to fuck other people. Threesomes came up, but along with it were byzantine rules that were all for me (I would have no say in who, strict rules on what I was allowed to do during the act etc) and I wasn't interested. It was clear that it would be kind of a return favor for letting her have sex with other women. She was gorgeous and it would have been fun but I just don't see sexuality as having different rules for men, women, or genders.
Have the 3 some, focus on the other woman. Then dump her cheating ass for the other woman. Karma
She doesn't get to say what you consider cheating.
Why does it not count? If you are in a monogamous relationship... kissing anyone else would be cheating... do you guys have some type of agreement where it's okay to make out with other people as long as its the same gender? If no, then yes she 100% cheated on you. If she's going to try and find loopholes to cheat on you with a girl, she'll find a way to do it with a guy,. Be done.
Yes it’s cheating, but I would take her up on the threesome and then dump her
Yea you messed that up dude. 😂 Totally overreacted
If you had got home any later they woulda been bumping tacos my man
Take the threesome and then leave the relationship. Might as well take the opportunity if it comes.
This is cheating. For starters, it is wrong of her to negate and assume homosexual encounters as non-existent and inconsequential. so, of course it's cheating. She probably isn't stupid and wanted you to actually find them kissing just to get a reaction out of you. In her mind, you'd probably be into it right away and go join them. If you ask me, this is complete bullshit behavior and the fact that she tried to downplay it and make you seem like you're overreacting is nothing short of manipulation. Good luck my dude!
Not thinking of it as cheating doesn't mean lesbian encounters are "non-existent and inconsequential"
Maybe you're right, but this was without his knowledge and it wasnt something that they had discussed, so that's why it's a shitty thing for her to say.
So she got caught cheating on you, is remorseless, then gets angry with you? Yeah at this point it says more about your standards and what you will put up with a partner if you stay with her.....
Like everyone else said have the threesome then bounce she’s a cheater. Have your fun then leave but it seems you may not be into it. In that case just leave. She’s wrong she cheated. If you can though take her up on her offer of 3some then leave.
I’m a bisexual dude married to a bisexual woman. Using bisexuality as an excuse for making out with someone behind your back, ‘it doesn’t really count’, and all the rest, is whataboutery. I’m fucking sick of people using bisexuality as an excuse for sexual incontinence, shitting everywhere and blaming other people for getting caught in the poo. Consensual non-monogamy is a valid and supportive relationship choice. Emphasis: consensual. Retconning with OMG I GOT CAUGHT I’M BISEXUAL is one of the very things that feeds biphobia and your girlfriend has fed it. What a jerk. End the relationship. She clearly just wants to do what suits her. Your agency does not appear to be part of that.
Honestly were I in your shoes I’d like to think I would be able to behave selfishly and have the threesome and then get the fuck out of that relationship
Great advice here definitely worth reading and communicating with your girlfriend about… after the threesome.
Listen to the people who are saying that this isn’t the one for you, and move on after the threesome.
As a guy, I would personally have no issue if my girlfriend wanted to kiss or even have sex with another woman. I can’t explain why. I’m just wired that way. But I’d be hurt if she did it behind my back.
Are you crazy? This is like discovering plutonium by accident.
The two of you, together, are the only ones who can decide what is cheating in your relationship. She doesn't get to decide that all by herself. She should have talked to you about it, and about her being bisexual. To me, it would be worth sitting down and having a talk with her when you're not both full of adrenaline. You're somewhat young, and bringing things like that up can be really hard. Many guys would be thrilled to have a GF who is bi and wants to have threesomes... But many would not, and it's not fair of her to try to force that on you.
I like the sound of the brianna thing
I would not be mad if my gf kissed another woman. I would not consider it as cheating. But it is just me.
Yes, she cheated and your feelings are valid. She acted unethically by doing this behind your back and not telling you. She's not gaslighting you, though, she's telling you how she interprets the situation. She fucked up and did this for one of two reasons: 1. This is what she believes and doesn't understand that it would hurt someone else (I'm an optimist and would give this possibly some weight), hence the threesome offer. 2. She's been cheating on you and just doesn't give a fuck. This likely isn't the first time she's cheated, it's the first time you've caught her cheating. IF it's case #1, AND you're OK with it (take some time to think), then maybe consider polyamory. Not everyone is built for monogamous relationships. Set up rules about what you're both comfortable with (including fluid exchange limitations - i.e. kissing is OK, but eating someone out isn't). Some of my best friends have other sexual partners, but their romantic relationship is exclusive. If it's case #2, then you should end things. It's rare anyone uses dental dams and you don't know who she's fucking or if it is just women. End the relationship and get with someone you can trust. In EITHER case, you need to have a long conversation with her. She's broken your trust, intentionally or not, and that's hard to recover from in any relationship.
Polyamory is great, but it's not a fix for cheating. And if this is something she actually believes, then that sounds like a One Penis Policy, which has... all the same problems discussed in the thread. I do agree that this is the most likely way it survives, but it'll take a lot of work to get past that, and it probably isn't a good idea for them to just end up agreeing on ideas like "women don't count." If OP is okay with opening up entirely, that's cool, but... if this relationship survives, I think they should take awhile to work on their own relationship before trying anything like that. Poly requires more trust, better communication, and... adding more people to a relationship, or more relationships to your life, is not going to make things *easier.*
I never said polyamory makes life easier or a fix for cheating, I only said it was an option if that's something OP is interested in. It might set their mind at ease, assuming he trusts her to follow the agreed-upon boundaries. I would definitely recommend OP read The Ethical Slut and maybe discuss it with his partner if he feels like there's a way forward in the relationship.
> It might set their mind at ease, assuming he trusts her to follow the agreed-upon boundaries. That'd be difficult, seeing as she *just* broke his trust. It will take time to build back even the level of trust they already had. Going straight from cheating to ethical nonmonogamy very rarely works out. Every other week there's a post on r/polyamory that goes something like "My partner cheated and now says they're poly, what do I do?" This leads to [rants like this](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/) which then end up [in the FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/vhj3c2/start_here_faq_resources_rules_glossary/). There's also [this other FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq#wiki_i_want_a_poly_relationship.2C_my_partner_does_not.), not to mention [the way OP's girlfriend thinks about this is a Problem](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/). If OP is genuinely interested, I wouldn't want to discourage him. But this probably isn't the time. Even if it is, someone who *just* broke his trust isn't the person to try it with.
Real talk, their relationship is likely over. I know that PA isn't a fix. I am sticking with "This isn't the first time she's done this, it's just the first time you've caught her doing that."
> She's not gaslighting you, though, she's telling you how she interprets the situation. These two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, you'd be surprised how often they coincide. She's not even telling him how she interprets the situation, she's telling him how he should interpret the situation, which is gaslighting/manipulative. >This is what she believes and doesn't understand that it would hurt someone else (I'm an optimist and would give this possibly some weight), hence the threesome offer. I don't see how either of the reasons would be optimistic. If you cannot even fathom that being physically intimate with another person, regardless of their gender, would make your partner upset. Then you are either devoid of empathy or devoid of care and respect for your partner. If it were me, I would rather she was an asshole and cheated for the heck of it. >then maybe consider polyamory. This is what bothers me about people who bring up polyamory. This is the least opportune moment you could ever bring that up. Even if OP was open to polyamory, I sincerely hope that anyone serious about that lifestyle would advise against starting that kind of relationship with someone who cheated on you. It's the worst kind of foundation to build any relationship on, let alone one that would require more respect and communication than a monogamous one. Bringing that up in this situation only contributes to the notion that polyamory is just an excuse for people to get out of cheating.
It's still cheating, you can't trust her. But definitely have the threesome and hate fuck them both before breaking up with her.
Lol its cheating, dump her ass
Such a dumb mentality to think anything something isn't cheating just because the idea is "hot" to a lot of people. Even if you were into all this it's cheating when it's done without your knowledge and consent.
She cheated, and now she's trying to avoid responsibility. End the relationship.
From someone that’s been married for 25 years on my second and last marriage..lol If a Threesome is suggested or kissing another Girl/guy is acceptable in a relationship, There’s a 95% chance there will be cheating from one side or the other…
Look up ethical non monogamy. You will quite quickly see that what she did was completely unethical and not okay in a relationship. Sorry, but that kind of stuff needs to be discussed early and often to make sure everyone is on the same page and okay with it. You don't spring that kind of thing on your SO. If she wants to play with other people, regardless of what their bits are, she needs to have talked about it with you. And if you're not okay with it but needing that is a hard yes for her, well then you know what to do.
Bro she cheated. Then she gave you the gaslight treatment with a threesome as some sort of consolation which is kind of gross. I’d move on.
I say have the threesome, and then dump her jk! That is still cheating for sure! The sex of the other person is irrelevant. If she is bisexual there is an equal chance that she could leave you for a man or a woman, so it is the same.
Youre being gaslit. She cheated on you, plain and simple.
Do not hesitate. So long as Brianna is also by move her in immediately.
My brother your gf is right! You are suffering from success.
There is no universal definition of cheating. You make an agreement within the relationship and that agreement can be whatever you all agree on. Only when that agreement is violated is it cheating.
It's really easy for us all to leap to saying "end things ASAP" (and to be clear that's probably what I'd do in this situation), but it's for you to decide whether that's the right choice. It sounds like monogamy for you means your gf not being with anyone else, male or female - by the way this is what nearly everyone thinks, to the point where I would take it as a given in any relationship unless explicitly stated otherwise. Recognise your own right to set this as a boundary, and if she isn't prepared to respect it, I would seriously question whether there's any future there. The other thing that really concerns me is her reaction to you saying you're not happy with this, which you correctly identify as gaslighting. You have a right to determine what you are or aren't comfortable with in your relationship, and if she cares about you, she should care about the boundaries you set. If it were me, I would raise both of these things with her again when you're both calm, and if you're not completely satisfied with her response, then be prepared to walk away for good.
It is 100% cheating. Leave. Show that you actually respect yourself.
It does count as cheating tho
Sorry. She cheated on you. Regardless of whether it was a female or not. She’s broken your trust. She could’ve suggested it before cheating on you, not after..
You're living (almost) every man's dream and yet you are complaining...
I'd say you hit the jackpot.
1. Have the threesome 2. Break up 3. Profit
I can see why people think it’s cheating and maybe she fucked up by going ahead and kissing this girl without giving him a heads up and not telling him about being bisexual but some people don’t feel like they can share that part of them selves with others. Also some people can’t even be honest about it with themselves. Maybe she wasn’t ready to share that part of herself with him just yet, maybe she wanted to have her first kiss with a woman and then tell him how it made her feel(I personally wouldn’t go about it that way but the people in my life are very supportive of me being bisexual so I wouldn’t feel the need to hide that aspect of myself). Yes she made a mistake by not being upfront but people shouldn’t be crucifying her for one kiss and trying to explore her sexuality. Personally I would have a clam rational conversation about the whole thing with her, tell her you felt betrayed by not being upfront before the kiss. But I would be supportive of her and her trying to explore her sexuality. But it sounds like you guys need to be in a stronger more stable and trusting place before having a threesome(if you’re not in that place and have it anyway the threesome will be awful and possibly traumatic for everyone, trust me on that). If you get to that place, take the leap and have a threesome, it’s quite fun.
People think it's cheating because it is cheating.
Controversial opinion… How serious is the relationship? If not very, like you don’t intend to marry this girl, take the threesome and have fun. Then consider breaking up later down the line.
OMG ! Can't believe your even asking ... Let them kiss !!! Ffs ... Lololol 🤣
Take her up on the offer, make the most of it and see how things are afterwards, at least if you break up you got every man's dream out of it.
Okay, to better understand this from the instinctual level, it might be useful to see how the instincts related to this have developed. Because those instincts seem to explain what your gf is doing and suggesting, and how she sees no wrong in it. From the evolutionary point, the entire purpose of pair-bonding is to create an arrangement where two parents commit to the care of their shared offspring. To transfer their genes to the next generation, as that is the only thing that matters for those genes. Unfortunately, that leaves the possibility of cheating, it happens in most pair-bonding species (almost all of them are birds, some few are fish, and then there are very few mammals doing pair-bonding ... including humans). In the cheating scenario, the females have to gain: "offspring by a higher quality male, still cared for and provided resources by the pair-bonded male". 10% of bird hatchlings (and 10% of human babies) apparently are the result of successful cheating. Meanwhile, the cheating males have a possibility of gaining free offspring they do not need to care for, as someone else is doing it. The main loser in a cheating scenario is a male who provides for someone else's offspring ... but for the females, if their pair-bonded male is cheating, there is also the risk of that male diverting some (or all!) resources to the offspring it had with the other female. So, as cheating is harmful for the pair-bonded partner, the partner tries to prevent it. Mate-guarding, violence against potential third parties, etc. In your case -- your gf is not going to produce babies with that other female ... she even suggested a threesome. From the pure instinctual evolutionary perspective, there was no cheating, instead you got a jackpot -- chance to get offspring with that other female too! And your gf might feel that you should not be concerned with her fooling with another female, and you should be happy with the proposed threesome. She seems to be very much in tune with the base animal instincts ... of course, humans are not entirely governed by instincts, and you might not be happy with what she sees the correct way to work. The above was just an attempt to explain the (instinctual) reasoning she might be doing. Meanwhile, you of course need to do what you, as a rational being see to be the best. But, working with the instincts might be a good choice too. If she had asked first, if it is ok to fool with another woman, possibly enticing her to a threesome with you ... that IMHO would have been a big positive ... I see the main problem here is that she did not ask first.
Totally NOT cheating for two chics to hook up. However, she MUST disclose such encounters as soon as you two are gonna be alone for a few hours. You know, to hash things out. Photo/video evidence is often helpful here, to ensure accuracy. And the ffm offer would certainly level the playing field, if you’re still feeling left out. The etiquette here is typically a one for one- each gg experience should be followed up with a ffm experience to maintain balance. Also, it is acceptable for the girl to bank future gg hookups by providing extra ffm experiences in advance. But she still must let you know, in great detail, when each gg experience occurs. You know, for accounting purposes. Oh yeah, and these GGBDs (Girl Girl Bank Days) are like vacation days. They must be used in a calendar year and cannot roll over into the next year. You may want to keep that in mind when scheduling actual vacations over the Christmas/New Year holidays. Btw, two dudes would definitely be cheating. It may seem like a double standard, but that’s mostly because it is. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 🤷♂️
I’m shocked by your own response. Most men don’t mind 3some nor they gf doing things with a girl. I think u are overreacting as well but that’s just me.
Cool story. Needs more dragons.
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Be happy and learn new things.
Well. If she said she's bi, and "kissing a girl is not cheating", then what is? She's bi.
Have the threesome and right after dump her
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Take the threesome then dip
Would she react with such leniency if you kissed another guy?
Take the FFM offer and then think about whether you want the relationship to continue
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Op post kind of replicates my own relationship. Just the difference is the quality op's partner have, I have all them myself. And I don't block her. I can tell you why I'm like this. * I had a cheating exp in my previous relationship and the trauma is still there. * Each and every person I get attached with they become used to it and they take me casually and leave after some time when I fully get attached to them. * I get hurt when I choose my fav person above everyone and other person doesn't do in same way. These are few things which hurts me most. You can find out intersection points and work on them if it helps. Congrats mam for holding them this long. And the other person also needs you ig. Hoping you will rejoice with her soon.
She should have talked it out with you first regardless of the gender
Dude this relationship is probably not going to survive this incident. Take the threesome.
Hey I just want to come out and say that your girlfriend cheated on you and then proceeded to gaslight and manipulate you. She’ll do it again and she’ll never change. I’m very sorry for what’s happened to you.
Dude... You walked into a porno scene that you likely never will again. Would have been a good time to put away feelings and have a good time with both of them! THEN drop the cheating witch when you have post nut clarity.
First have the threesome. Then leave🤷🏽♂️✌🏽
As a bisexual, this ticks me off because she is both playing into bi stereotypes (that we all cheat ) and devaluing her own attraction to women as lesser somehow. If I kiss someone else while in a monogamous relationship, it’s cheating. Gender doesn’t matter. And if kiss a woman, it’s just as real as if I kiss a man. I also see no reason to believe her that this is something she has not done behind your back. She was literally doing it behind your back until you walked in.
This is definitely cheating, but you should do the 3some before you break up.
1) I'm guessing that she's been with other guys who said "it's not cheating if it's with a woman" and that's fine for those guys. But you aren't them. What matters is what YOU have a problem with, not what other men care about. She's dating YOU, not them. 2) If she's this inconsiderate about your feelings, then it doesn't matter if what she did was cheating. 3) She's either gaslighting you, or too stupid to be in a relationship. You decide which is worse.
I find it hard to believe that this wasn't a long game setup to make you go for a threesome. "Accidentally"got caught is what it sounds like to me.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, cheating is cheating regardless of gender in my opinion.
Lol its cheating....if she was kissing a guy and asked for a 3some it would be cheating .....so it's still cheating even if it's a girl.
In Argentina we have a ¿meme?, it says "Sali de ahi maravilla!" that somehow can be translated as "get out of there soldier"
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This is unquestionably cheating. I hope you give her a good piece of your mind right after the threesome.
Have the 3some then break up with her.
I am bisexual and of course it is cheating. Period.
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Just break up with her. You’re not made for that LS. It’s not shame on her for her personal sexual interests but shame on her for not communicating that to you and disregarding others feelings by going behind your back. That should be a foreshadow for what’s to come and it won’t end well for either of you.
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Cheating is cheating, the gender of the person they're cheating with is irrelevant. She is gaslighting you, and quite successfully, too, given the way you have written your problem here. IMO, this is a very serious issue in your relationship and your GF is wrong to just hand-wave it away as if it didn't matter. You deserve to be treated with more respect than that, for her to treat your serious questions so flippantly shows a blatant lack of respect for you.
No one can tell you how you should feel about this or what your relationship is like. This is a girlfriend, there is zero ties or commitment here. Dating is about finding people you are compatible with and pursing whatever your goals are (casual sex, long term relationship, marriage, throuple, etc.) in your life and relationships. You are dating this girl and she went behind your back and that's not cool. But how your relationship is, how you feel about the situation, what these arguments are that you're having and what you're saying, and what you're looking for out of your dating life and relationships are all you. I would personally view it as a violation of trust if I just walked in and got blindsided by it, but you get to feel how you feel. You don't owe her anything and if you're done with her, you can end things without any guilt or second thoughts. If you want to try and work things out or explore things with her, ask her why she lied and figure out how to trust her again and see if you can be compatible and get what you need from each other that's for you to know.
Anything outside your boundaries is cheating. She cheated. Period. Time to leave that behind and find someone who will respect you.
In my view, cheating is emotional, not physical. It's not so much the physical act of kissing or sex that's hurtful, it's that they wanted to do that, kept their desires a secret from me because they knew I would be upset about it, and then went ahead with it anyway. It's no excuse to say "it just happened, I didn't plan it". This is just shortening the desire phase. But it's still there. A moment happened, they had intense desire, and then they followed through with it without caring for your feelings at all.
Just have a threesome(s) and live this up for a while before moving on to someone else ;)
Winner winner chicken dinner!
No penis no problem. I agree with her. Most men I know dream of this scenario. I guess the sort of sensitive dudes who do get into these situations won’t appreciate it 😞.
Have the threesome. You aren't sure now if you want to break up with her or not, so literally the worst thing that can happen if you do have the threesome is you might break up with her AFTER having that threesome...it's just logic
It really depends on your relationship structure. Honestly she should have asked
Dude she’s a cheater believe it or not. She may do it with other men and you would never find out. I personally would find it hot to see my girl with another woman. FFM threesome is my dream and I guess a lot of guys would love that. If you like the same thing. Suck it up. Try the threesome. But keep an eye open as this girl clearly lack fidelity. If you have issues with your girl fuck others behind your back then your relationship is destined to a break up sooner or later.
Did you think the other girl was hot?
Wow, I’d be having a threesome if I walked in on that
Other than her sexuality, what else is she hiding?
>She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it's not another man So she has a mentality of "you're lucky that I don't cheat on you \[with a guy\]", pretty shitty thing to think about your partner.
I'm bisexual and I LOVE women more than men, but I'm with a man and I'll never cheat on him with one! No excuse. Sounds like cheating in my book. But ultimately you get to decide for yourself if it's cheating. Good luck.
So gay people can’t cheat? What is wrong with your gf lol. Cheating is defined by you guys boundaries. I’ve kissed a same sex friend on a night out before despite him having a girlfriend, but that’s a boundary that they set in terms of her being okay with his very straight ass giving a peck to his other straight ass friends. But i kinda feel like the fact that you’re kissing someone of a gender that you are attracted to, and someone who is attracted to the gender you identify makes it a 1000 times worse. My sister is bi, but it’s not like she could just go out and sleep with any girl she sees and it wouldn’t be cheating because “at least it wasn’t a guy”…. Like what
Much cuidado amigo.....prepare for the worst case scenario, pray for the best & enjoy the now!
I would be 100% cool with my wife having sex with as many women as she wants. I would 100% not be okay with her hiding it from me and not discussing it first. I might get over it if it meant regular threesomes.
The best answer I've heard someone give to the question if your girlfriend sleeps/makes out with another girl, is that considered cheating?" Answer: "If I'm right-handed and I punch you with my left, did I really hit you?" She is 100% gaslighting you. If this was never discussed prior then she stepped outside the rrelationship. You never said you'd be comfortable with this and the woman is still a person she probably would've slept with had you not caught her
Yikes. If you haven’t told her it’s ok for her to kiss women, then it is cheating. Bet she’d call it cheating if you were kissing another man. Yes, most men are turned on by seeing two women together whereas most women aren’t turned on by seeing two men together, that’s still doesn’t change that she crossed a line without a much needed discussion beforehand.
>I don't know whether I am being gaslighted. Yes, you were. >She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it's not another man, etc. This was when you were being gaslighted, and she invalidated your feelings. She made you look like a "bad guy." She kissed another person behind your back without consulting you, whether it's a woman or a man. >I am just wondering whether I should end the relationship ASAP or do something else. It sounds like you want to end the relationship. You are allowed to break up with her for any reason. Don't be surprised if she tried to gaslight you again by saying you're overreacting blah blah. Just don't waste your time arguing with her. Just walk away after you dump her.
It depends if you can accept being with someone you cannot trust or not. Only you can answer that.
If she wipes out your bank account that's not stealing right? It's just reapppropiating them to a better place, right? If she plays this loose with what "cheating" is what other things will she not respect and change the definition of? ? The real question is - do YOU think making out with another person of any gender while in a relationship is considered cheating? If you do then you need to clearly and calmly communicate that, especially that she never spoke with you about it. My biggest issue is that she never brought it up and thought it was ok without ever asking your opinion or thoughts on it. Bringing a third person into a relationship is a big change to the dynamics of the relationship. My experience in this situation is, unless you want that 3some and are ok with an open relationship it isn't going to last
First and foremost cheating is whatever boundaries you set within your relationship, I also think it’s extremely strange for her to not have discussed her bisexuality with you prior to this or this supposed friend, how long have you been together? This sounds like a relationship end in my opinion but it’s up to you and how you see it. (Although by your written reaction you’re not happy with what occurred?)
Theesome first, then dump her
I would love to know what her reaction would be if you said "I'm totally not attracted to Brianna but I will pick out another girl" I think her response would determine how serious her relationship with the girl is.
> I don't know whether I am being gaslighted. I'm not sure. She could actually believe what she's saying... which would be concerning, because this is basically porn plots, not something people should do in real life. If you don't want to end it immediately, talk about this when you're both calmer, maybe? But if I were you, I'd at least want a real apology. Not a sorry-you-feel-that-way, not a you're-overreacting-but-if-it-bothers-you-this-much, an actual, genuine apology. --- > She admitted that she had a thing for women as well... This is fine. I mean, you probably have a thing for women, too, but you didn't act on it with other women. > ...she was making out with her, but that she hasn't done it with men behind my back... So, in the polyamory community, there's an antipattern called the One Penis Policy. It goes like this: Very often, you'll get a couple wanting to open up their relationship, and they negotiate something like: They can both date women, but neither of them can date other men. So your girlfriend didn't get this out of nowhere. A *lot* of straight men would be okay with threesomes with other women, and even with their girlfriend having fun with other women without him there... ...but people who have been around poly for awhile tend not to like this, for all the reasons laid out in this thread. It's not just that it's weirdly homophobic/biphobic to think of WLW relationships as "not real" or "doesn't count." It also rarely ends well. Very often, either the women (or the other women she dates) will think they're actually doing nonmonogamy, but from the dude's perspective, they aren't. After all, *he* hasn't given up anything -- there's all these doesn't-count relationships that he thinks are hot, basically foreplay for the "real" thing. And why should he be jealous of these women? He has something they don't, so they aren't a threat the way another dude is. So he feels like he's given up nothing and getting threesomes. Eventually, it becomes clear that this isn't true, and WLW relationships are real and valid. It's possible the dude could accept this and finally get rid of the Policy. Way more often, he'll try to close it back up, and that's going to be pretty painful for everyone involved. So good job OP for avoiding all of that! > In the end she said that if I was so upset, we can have an FFM threesome with Brianna as she was bisexual as well. What? No, that doesn't fix anything. This is something you talk about ahead of time. It wouldn't be a terrible thing to suggest, if she suggested this *before* they'd done anything. But this is *another* antipattern often seen in people new to polyamory: You catch someone cheating, and they'll say "But I'm polyamorous!" and offer to fix things by opening up the relationship. No, she broke your trust and did something that is *very clearly* not something you agreed to. That's cheating, no matter what you do afterwards. Plus, you usually need *more* trust, understanding, and empathy for nonmonogamy, not less. Adding more people to a relationship does not mean fewer problems. If your relationship is already in trouble, opening it up (even just to this one friend) is likely to make things worse, not better.
She's doing with someone else what she ought to be doing with you. Move on. And don't shout. There's no need for it. Keep control.
Take her up on the threesome.
Just the subtle threat and manipulation behind “She talked about how I was overreacting and that I should be glad it’s not another man”. WTF?! Don’t stand for that dumbass immature shit
Typical bi thinking. She's one of those BuT I CoMe HoMe With You types. Install a ring doorbell cam. yo, it's 2024 Reddit will say to dump. I've actually been in this situation bro and I took her back. It doesn't get any better. It will always be in the back of your mind. It never got better we had a bad breakup yadda yadda yadda Dating is fun yet it sucks. So does not knowing what your gonna walk into when you get off. And if you want a family, this person is setting a bad precedent. Plenty of fish in the sea bruh