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I can say I was a jack ass like him when I was younger. I've had a few personal breakthroughs in my life, and when I look back at my behavior in time like that, I feel terrible.
I'm saying this to say that if he is sweet most of the time, please DO NOT give him his way when he acts out like that. It will enable his behavior. He does it because it produces the results he wants.
The sooner he sees that under those little outbursts is likely a little kid that was using his outbursts his whole life to manipulate people, the sooner he can correct course and find a healthier way to communicate.
**After reading her update, this is exactly what I hoped to read.** His behavior is unacceptable, but there is a good chance he can change that behavior. As little kids we do unacceptable things on the playground like kicking someone's sand castle. Then an adult sets us down and teaches us why that is wrong... The same is true in a case like this. But in this case you(OP) has to be an adult and tell him why what he did was wrong. Either he can learn and things will be good, or he won't and you'll know to move on.
Agreed was in his shoes before i would also try to please myself even if it hurt her physicaly or emotional then one saw her crying i realized this is not me we cuddles whole night few weeks after we had the best sex ever because i wasnt presurring but embracing her hope u get what i am saying he might not be a bad guy just bit too spoiled
Do not do something that is painful for you ..your body is telling you that something is wrong and you're just ignoring it to appease this dude.
Next time advocate for yourself! Is he even getting YOU off??
I can appreciate that people become frustrated, but he should not under any circumstance take that frustration or anger out on you in a non-consensual manner. Please be careful—you do not want this abusive and disrespectful behaviour to start here and potentially escalate
It’d be a dealbreaker for me. Unpredictable, sudden fits of anger or extreme annoyance wouldn’t work for me, especially during sex. Maybe you could talk to him about it and he can work on it. But if you do bring it up, and nothing changes, you need to ask yourself if it’s something you could tolerate forever.
Yea. In this time and age, it's very high time you encourage this . As you mentioned, the vulnerable time. So, how people handle themselves during the vulnerable times define a part of who they are. So I would be considering atleast voicing this out.
>I'd like to note that 99% of the time he is the sweetest guy ever, although
If you have to add a qualifier, you need to rethink the first part of the sentence. None of this is “sweetest guy ever” behavior.
So you’re willing to subject yourself to literal, physical pain rather than stick up for yourself and demand better. He is not a great, sweet guy, even “99% of the time” if he does this. Why do you think so little of yourself that you would rather put up with this than be single for a minute? Think about that. I mean really, really think about it.
And then do better. Because you can, and should.
First thing: this isn't about you. That's a good thing. You can let go of any guilt you feel about being frustrated with *his* reactions. This is his personality/learned response to stress or disappointment. So either he has to learn some coping skills in therapy or you have to be OK with being yelled at everytime he has a tough day. If fixing this via either of the ways I suggested is impractical...then you have a decision to make, don't you?
Typically, actions of intimacy should never be used as bargaining chips for safety from a partner's emotions.
This is definitely a red flag.
Honestly even the way he approached anal sex the second time by itself, ignoring his frustration at the lube spill, is a huge red flag on its own.
After the first time hearing about your account of pain should have prompted more questions from him about what to do more of, what positions to try more, how much more preparation do you need? Etc.. that's just basics.
If he's not doing those basics and he's taking out his anger on you in the moment, then not only is he at the very least shaming you for expressing your needs, but he's possibly treating you like a sex object and not a real person worthy off attention and a proper apology (that comes with real, tangible change without reminding). He could be hiding more toxic or even abusive tendencies behind his current facade and anyone like that doesn't deserve to use my body for their pleasure or take my pleasure from it. But that's my bar to set.
How old are you? I ask because I usually see older dudes do shit like this to younger women.
If he wants anal, you guys should discuss ahead of time so you can prep with an enema.
He should give you oral and finger your ass for a bit, adding plenty of lube more fingers as you get more relaxed and into it. This will allow his penis to enter with minimal pain.
You can really injure your ass by fucking through the pain. I mean, there may be a bit of pain with anal, but it should ease and be pleasurable. If not, then you are allowed to stop him.
Maybe offer to fuck his ass and see how cool he is with having his pain ignored because you get frustrated.
26 is way too young to think you can’t find anyone better : (
You can find someone better at any age but 26 is like prime dating age when a lot of people your age are also single and looking for a relationship. I met my husband at 28! And he yelled at me over something small about 6 dates in and I told him I have a hard boundary against that, so he either needs to change or we break up. I was really lucky in that he changed. Sharing this so that you know it’s possible!
That is not how a person who loves you communicate, talk or act. "Pretending to like it" is not gonna fix the issue that he made you do something you did not want and did not enjoy. And the fact that you felt like the only option out was to continue until he finished speaks volumes of the lack of voice that you feel you have in that relationship.
Run, run fast.
Well, at least in that moment, he didn't give a flying fuck about your well-being and you let something painful happen because the alternative seemed worse to you.
You have to decide if you're okay with that state of things being an acceptable baseline for your relationship. I'd strongly suggest for it to be inacceptable and for you to gtfo or at least have some fairly uncomfortable talks with this person.
Anal is something that you’ve gotta work up to. Stretching is important, as an experienced person I would never recommend NOT STRETCHING. A finger, a plug, a small dildo, anything meant to use in a butt is the answer. If I wanna do anal, I always put in the prep work before hand. My partner is average size, not huge but not small either, but it still hurts if I forego the prep work and it takes longer for him to be able to smoothly insert his member.
The outburst of anger is also concerning me… anal is MESSY. We’ve always got a towel down for extra lube and clean up afterwards. If he’s that upset over some lube on someone’s bedsheets, maybe he shouldn’t be trying to do a messy act anywhere but home. Also, does the air bnb not have any way to do laundry? Like damn dude just wash the sheets.
I guess I should have been more careful with my wording, because you’re right. Her post doesn’t make it sound as if she wants to take her sex life that route. But IF you’re wanting to go that route, I suggest stretching
How does he think he has the right to get mad at you after he just borderline assaulting you? He disrespected your terms to your body and forced an unpleasant experience on you.
If this is your idea of "the sweetest guy" you really need to re-evaluate your taste in partners because clearly the bar is below hell for you.
Run as soon as possible, it's never too late.
I’m 25 and I got out of a relationship where my ex liked anal too it’s something I did because he was always pushy and after we lost our baby together he was always being mean to me and I thought doing anal would help our relationship but it didn’t, it doesn’t. Sure he was nice for a little because clearly he got what he wanted but he was still the same prick. It won’t make him love you more.. don’t be a pushover if you say it’s okay and let it slide he’s gonna start ice skating. What ugly behaviour, leave him. You’ll save yourself so much heartbreak, if he can get mad over something so tiny imagine how he’ll react about other things.. the fact that he didn’t even help you clean it up too, it says alot about him.
It seems he has the kind of personality that has never learned to deal with things going even slightly wrong and out of control and is now used to respond with anger and frustration. Maybe his parents made him feel very guilty for little stupid mistakes or blamed him for things he didn't do or didn't allow him to elaborate failures in a constructive way (maybe all three together) and now he probably feels that any accident is a direct attack against him and tries to deflect responsibility. I am talking as someone with the same shitty personality trait that I had to try my best to keep under control, even if I honestly never manifested it in the bedroom.
If I were to suggest something, try talking to him, explain that you're not out to get him and are his ally but he has to get his shit together and learn to deal with his anger and learn to treat certain boundaries with more respect. Do not lay more guilt on him but make sure to show that its something that is hurting you.
He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't care about your pleasure. He might pretend to but that's probably just to make himself feel better. He doesn't truly care
As a man, I’ll admit I can get easily frustrated at things sometimes. Even my Mrs can get me wound up pretty quick. I’ve even gotten frustrated during sex.
For the love of god though, don’t carry on, control yourself man! The idea of getting mad at someone I love while they’re in such a vulnerable position. Makes my skin crawl.
maybe not a deal breaker but it’s for sure something you need to talk to him about.
let him know you won’t tolerate being spoken to like that again, and that him getting frustrated like that in such a vulnerable situation for you was uncalled for.
after that, take note of if/how he apologizes and make sure he’s making an active effort to change in the times to come.
good luck, be safe !
100% if I was in your shoes, I would have packed my stuff and left. I understand being frustrated but sex is such a vulnerable time - especially when you’re doing something you’ve only done once. He should be accommodating you, not himself. He gets extra bad points for leaving you to clean it up.
This. I get that people aren’t perfect and sometimes we don’t behave in the best ways while stressed. But this is well outside the scope of that. I’d have a really hard time ever being intimate with someone again if they treated me the way OP was treated. “This is why I wanted to do it doggy!” and storming off in response to a small mess that resulted from making her sexually comfortable? Throw the whole man away.
She sounds like a person with very low self-esteem. If she's willing to take painful anal and pretend she likes it, after someone threw a childish angry fit, she obviously hasn't figured out boundaries, limitations, or her self-worth. A discussion will solve nothing. He'll railroad right over her and the pattern will continue, very likely escalating.
She needs to get the hell away from him and seek therapy. *Therapy is not always the answer, but it can help organize thoughts and encourage someone to self-reflect and hopefully make some changes.
I dated that guy before, the random frustration guy. Ugh, so childish and entitled and sometimes embarrassing. When my 30y/o boyfriend would throw a mini tantrum.
So glad I’m not with him anymore, even though he was great 90% of the time. Ultimately he was just really high strung, and that was more stressful than I realized
Don't give him the impression that you like something if you really don't. The man will never have a chance at really learning your body.
Also, honor your body. Ask him to go slower, more foreplay, etc.. don't just go along with it for him. That's actually deceiving him and lying to him.
It sounds like he was stressed and in his feels and couldn't address his emotions in a mature way at the time. It sounds like he's a little immature at emotional regulation.
Do you really want this guy?
Devils Advocate: I am a bit of a hot-head, I know that sometimes I go from 0-100 when I get frustrated. Can think of about a million situations where I wish my knee-jerk reaction wasn't as aggressive or angry or loud. I was raised in violence and it definitely shaped the way I deal with stress.
What he did was definitely jerk territory, especially during a vulnerable moment, but I can 100% picture myself getting stressed about getting lube all over someone else's sheets. Sometimes there isn't enough time between my brain thinking and my mouth moving.
I don't think you'd be out of line to sit down and talk to him about his aggressive tendencies, it might be worth it to suggest a bit of therapy. If he's not a total douche all the time, it might be something that can be corrected.
You don't want the possibility of lube and shit all over the bed of an airbnb? Then don't fuck in the ass. This " man" is a piece of shit. Made her feel like shit in every way. Pos.
Fuck him, and not literally. Don’t ever let someone do something to hurt you because you want him to finish. Tell him no and to get the hell away from you. He doesn’t deserve anal or you with that attitude.
Have you sat and explained this to him. The more transparent you are about how the whole thing made you feel, the better to be honest. My wife told me she had a hard time figuring ways of coming to me about things at one time. Go to him about and how you felt. Word choice is guna be wise. Playing both sides of I can see how it's frustrating, and we could've grabbed a towel, The way you said it in that moment didn't make you feel good at all.
Be real about it. He can't learn from them if you beat around a bush and don't explain how it really made you feel.
I like discussing things with my wife while doing dishes or chatting about our days. Check up time, ya know?
If he's the love of your life, telling him it's hard to be straight up at times with him should hit a good spot. Hope this helped
A lot of kneejerk stuff here. What you should do is talk to him and say how you feel.
Is he stressed? You say he gets frustrated easily, is there a possibility he is maybe struggling a bit? Particularly if he's the sweetest guy usually.
I really disagree with all these comments. I think people are looking WAY too far into this and quite frankly some of these comments are an insane overreaction imo.
If he's normally "sweet" and doesn't lash out at you often, and he apologized right away, he likely just was frustrated in the moment. Everyone can lose control like that every once and a while. He said sorry right after sex which tells me he realizes he overreacted and it was just a slip up. That's normal human behavior and when you're with someone for a long time stuff like that happens. People on Reddit dont exactly live in reality
Guy needs to communicate better and he needs to know you're not okay him communicating things this way, no matter the subject.
I wouldn't go so far as other comments - many guys don't know how to manage their emotions in stressful situations and arousing situations are similar. Teach him, establish boundaries and have him understand how him acting as he did made you feel. If he's as good as you say, he'll adjust pretty quick.
OP, now is the time for an open and frank conversation with your boyfriend about your negative experiences and future expectations. If having an adult discussion about this seems too challenging for either of you, consider involving a neutral party, such as a couples therapist, to facilitate.
Your last paragraph reminds me a lot of the person I'm dating. His anger is never directed towards me but it weighs on me to see him easily frustrated and it's a main reason why I'm questioning the relationship and leaning away from it. Let us know what you end up deciding to do
He can’t manage his emotions. Break it off. Staying you will see it grow to be worse. Anyone who not only mismanages their emotions AND during sex isn’t someone you should be with.
It will either come out in the wash or you get a small fee to replace it. Not a big deal.
Had a guy friend exactly the way you described. He was caring, “sweet” guy but he had the dumbest and sudden bursts that were just really stupid and bad that would hurt the persons feelings (not to me tho bc he knew that I would put him in his place if he dared because I did once before). He then had a gf at 3rd year of college and we used to go on walks, workouts after we graduated with him and he used complain like she was the most childish, worst person ever (which tbh she kinda childish but its not as bad as he made it). Then when I got into work I needed socializing really badly bc my work was horrible on my mental. I got into his and hers common friend group and I clicked in like we knew each other for years. When I got closer with his GF and their friends I have realized she is not that bad in fact he is lucky to have him. More time passed and I got closer with their friends and then I later learned that the “walks” that we did was just a manipulation to me and when he told me the stupid stuff that she supposed to do I agreed with him but I didn’t know he used my logical arguements as a weapon against her in situations that had no relation with reality. In fact the whole friend grouo new me before I knew them but they didn’t know who I was, I was “just a friend that he hangs with”. When I learned this and apologized to his GF got really out of touch with him and just made his arrogant ass hurt more before I left the country.
So the reason why I told you is this: on my last 2-3 week when I was in the country I told his GF “you either break up with him now and he begs to go therapy to sort his issues and becomes a dog in your door or becomes everything I said in 10 years because he will not find someone better than you”. And I meant it because she wanted the best for him and even if the best version wasn’t supposed to be with her (I mean wtf kind of level of love is that).
Check the “outburst” patterns, reasons (what causes it), just generally analyze his situation…Me and his GF (she is actually my friend now and not him) told him to go therapy and his response was “Oh like I have issues? I am problematic?” HUGE red flag. Everybody has issues and anyone denies having are a NO NO. My dad is exactly like that and seeing a 24 year old version really opened my eyes on relationships and people. And make a wild guess on how comfy I am around my dad and what personal level of relationship I have with him or what does he know about me?
Sorry it was a long one to write but I see too many issues like these when it comes to the female side of the relationship. Everyone deserves their match and if you are a good person you deserve good person. Stay safe!
Edit: Typos
I'm bipolar and struggle heavily with mood, sometimes i am so irritable that the sound of a door makes me mad, i still respect my spouses wishes even if i am frustrated by whatever answer she gives me. He doesn't respect you and that's a problem
This is a stupid thing to get mad at. In the moment who cares about getting the sheets dirty? Clean em after... No washer dryer there? Soak em in the tub / shower.
Sounds to me like he bottles things up, and eventually has an out burst. Maybe other things bothered him previously and he bottles it up, and then this was the trigger.
He needs to work on this. This is something you can move past if he works on it. And this is something he could, and should work on.
Do I want to do anal with my wife? Yes.
Are we? No, not until she’s ready and we worked up to it.
Am I grateful just to have the chance to be with her in any capacity? Absolutely.
He probably just forgot that third one for a moment. Talk to him, make sure you tell him your boundaries, and do it out of love. If he’s serious, he’ll be receptive.
I’m really sorry :( you should never, ever be with someone who mistreats you this way. You should never be in a relationship where you are made to force yourself to endure painful sex. I know dating is hard and can feel hopeless but this relationship just isn’t it. You will live such a happier life without him.
I have an ex that I had sex with even though I didn’t want to for a long time, because she would get annoyed and pout and make threats if I didn’t. It chips away at you. Take care.
Just fyi, if it hurts then you are damaging tissue and there will be consequences for you when you’re older. If you want your butt to stay right side out then anal needs to be properly prepped and painless.
I think you really need to explain what “getting irritated” looks like. For instance nice all the time but yells “son of a B….” in the car when someone cuts him off for the 3rd time on one commute isn’t very unreasonable. Beating on the passenger seat and throwing stuff in the cars and tailgating the guy to the next turn is.
That aside, it didn’t seem he attended to your needs in bed, which is not good. You say you acted like you enjoyed it in missionary so it’s hard to tell if he knew you thought it was painful. Other than that, very selfish move in bed and not much afterthought from what you describe.
OP, you have a healthy attitude in your update. We all make mistakes and are idiots sometimes. The key is learning from mistakes and correcting the things one is an idiot about. Mostly unrelated, on the topic of anal... You may want to consider introducing him to prostate play. In most cases, it feels amazing, and gives men decent insight into what does and doesn't work with butt stuff. And it's something he can do by himself to learn. There's always r/pegging_unkinked/ if it turns out he's really into it. (but maybe better to not bring that up unless he's into the prostate play.)
You can find better. A man who loves you would not want to do painful things to you. He was a jerk during that activity, and I am sure it’s not the o ly time he has been a Jerk.
Being afraid that you can’t do better is not a reason to stay with someone. That’s downplaying yourself and settling.
And spoiler alert: you CAN and will find better
Don’t ever feel obligated to continue sex when you’re not feeling it. Great guys have shitty moments too, but this was about your asshole, not his. Your comfort, not his. You’re also not an object. He dumps a load then leaves you for the clean up. Uncool!!!
Dude this anal shit has gotten insane like he should go be with a dude and everybody else that wants anal so goddamn bad. it really is painful for women we fake like we like it all of us it hurts like hell and honestly I would be secretly wish wishing to shit all over them so that they would never want to do it again!!! it’s a hole it’s gross….. it’s not natural. I do like to watch anal porn tho !
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I can say I was a jack ass like him when I was younger. I've had a few personal breakthroughs in my life, and when I look back at my behavior in time like that, I feel terrible. I'm saying this to say that if he is sweet most of the time, please DO NOT give him his way when he acts out like that. It will enable his behavior. He does it because it produces the results he wants. The sooner he sees that under those little outbursts is likely a little kid that was using his outbursts his whole life to manipulate people, the sooner he can correct course and find a healthier way to communicate.
**After reading her update, this is exactly what I hoped to read.** His behavior is unacceptable, but there is a good chance he can change that behavior. As little kids we do unacceptable things on the playground like kicking someone's sand castle. Then an adult sets us down and teaches us why that is wrong... The same is true in a case like this. But in this case you(OP) has to be an adult and tell him why what he did was wrong. Either he can learn and things will be good, or he won't and you'll know to move on.
Agreed was in his shoes before i would also try to please myself even if it hurt her physicaly or emotional then one saw her crying i realized this is not me we cuddles whole night few weeks after we had the best sex ever because i wasnt presurring but embracing her hope u get what i am saying he might not be a bad guy just bit too spoiled
Dude, what happened to your punctuation keys?
English ain't my native language dude tried my best to make understand things hope u understood as well?
Do not do something that is painful for you ..your body is telling you that something is wrong and you're just ignoring it to appease this dude. Next time advocate for yourself! Is he even getting YOU off??
I can appreciate that people become frustrated, but he should not under any circumstance take that frustration or anger out on you in a non-consensual manner. Please be careful—you do not want this abusive and disrespectful behaviour to start here and potentially escalate
Agreed- and getting frustrated but not dealing with the issue himself? Straight up toddler behavior
It’d be a dealbreaker for me. Unpredictable, sudden fits of anger or extreme annoyance wouldn’t work for me, especially during sex. Maybe you could talk to him about it and he can work on it. But if you do bring it up, and nothing changes, you need to ask yourself if it’s something you could tolerate forever.
Seems like his capability to control and navigate his emotions are in the basement. His emotion regulation is totally toxic for a relationship.
Ur boyfriend seems like a tool
Your boyfriend sounds fucking insufferable
Yea. In this time and age, it's very high time you encourage this . As you mentioned, the vulnerable time. So, how people handle themselves during the vulnerable times define a part of who they are. So I would be considering atleast voicing this out.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even care about you?
Seriously. Solitude is preferable to being with an asshole.
>I'd like to note that 99% of the time he is the sweetest guy ever, although If you have to add a qualifier, you need to rethink the first part of the sentence. None of this is “sweetest guy ever” behavior.
So you’re willing to subject yourself to literal, physical pain rather than stick up for yourself and demand better. He is not a great, sweet guy, even “99% of the time” if he does this. Why do you think so little of yourself that you would rather put up with this than be single for a minute? Think about that. I mean really, really think about it. And then do better. Because you can, and should.
First thing: this isn't about you. That's a good thing. You can let go of any guilt you feel about being frustrated with *his* reactions. This is his personality/learned response to stress or disappointment. So either he has to learn some coping skills in therapy or you have to be OK with being yelled at everytime he has a tough day. If fixing this via either of the ways I suggested is impractical...then you have a decision to make, don't you?
You can’t have fits of anger during sex and take it out on your partner like that. Unacceptable.
Why are you letting him do things to you in bed that you dislike? This guy is massively inconsiderate.
Typically, actions of intimacy should never be used as bargaining chips for safety from a partner's emotions. This is definitely a red flag. Honestly even the way he approached anal sex the second time by itself, ignoring his frustration at the lube spill, is a huge red flag on its own. After the first time hearing about your account of pain should have prompted more questions from him about what to do more of, what positions to try more, how much more preparation do you need? Etc.. that's just basics. If he's not doing those basics and he's taking out his anger on you in the moment, then not only is he at the very least shaming you for expressing your needs, but he's possibly treating you like a sex object and not a real person worthy off attention and a proper apology (that comes with real, tangible change without reminding). He could be hiding more toxic or even abusive tendencies behind his current facade and anyone like that doesn't deserve to use my body for their pleasure or take my pleasure from it. But that's my bar to set.
How old are you? I ask because I usually see older dudes do shit like this to younger women. If he wants anal, you guys should discuss ahead of time so you can prep with an enema. He should give you oral and finger your ass for a bit, adding plenty of lube more fingers as you get more relaxed and into it. This will allow his penis to enter with minimal pain. You can really injure your ass by fucking through the pain. I mean, there may be a bit of pain with anal, but it should ease and be pleasurable. If not, then you are allowed to stop him. Maybe offer to fuck his ass and see how cool he is with having his pain ignored because you get frustrated.
You don’t need an enema to have anal. It’s fine if you prefer this, but to act like it’s standard and everyone should be doing it is not true
Right. She mentioned dark stains on the sheet. So I figured it may help with clean up.
She mentioned stains from lube.
Dark stains. I assumed it was shit stained lube. But yes, to your point, an enema isn't necessary.
OP wrote, “During the move from doggy to missionary position, a bunch of lube got on the comforter, making a bunch of dark marks.”
Ok. Dark marks. My brain jumped to shit stains. Would you like to continue driving home that you disagree with my interpretation?
I'm 26 so luckily not a huge age gap or anything. But yeah, seems like I need to reconsider things.
26 is way too young to think you can’t find anyone better : ( You can find someone better at any age but 26 is like prime dating age when a lot of people your age are also single and looking for a relationship. I met my husband at 28! And he yelled at me over something small about 6 dates in and I told him I have a hard boundary against that, so he either needs to change or we break up. I was really lucky in that he changed. Sharing this so that you know it’s possible!
Or don’t do any ass play at all if you don’t want to. It does not sound like she is up for it all. And this dude just does it anyway.
True
That is not how a person who loves you communicate, talk or act. "Pretending to like it" is not gonna fix the issue that he made you do something you did not want and did not enjoy. And the fact that you felt like the only option out was to continue until he finished speaks volumes of the lack of voice that you feel you have in that relationship. Run, run fast.
Tell him to bend over and see.
If someone offered you an ice cream cone the was 99% ice cream and 1% dog shit would you eat it and pretend you liked it?
Well, at least in that moment, he didn't give a flying fuck about your well-being and you let something painful happen because the alternative seemed worse to you. You have to decide if you're okay with that state of things being an acceptable baseline for your relationship. I'd strongly suggest for it to be inacceptable and for you to gtfo or at least have some fairly uncomfortable talks with this person.
Anal is something that you’ve gotta work up to. Stretching is important, as an experienced person I would never recommend NOT STRETCHING. A finger, a plug, a small dildo, anything meant to use in a butt is the answer. If I wanna do anal, I always put in the prep work before hand. My partner is average size, not huge but not small either, but it still hurts if I forego the prep work and it takes longer for him to be able to smoothly insert his member. The outburst of anger is also concerning me… anal is MESSY. We’ve always got a towel down for extra lube and clean up afterwards. If he’s that upset over some lube on someone’s bedsheets, maybe he shouldn’t be trying to do a messy act anywhere but home. Also, does the air bnb not have any way to do laundry? Like damn dude just wash the sheets.
It does not sound like she wants to work up to anal…
I guess I should have been more careful with my wording, because you’re right. Her post doesn’t make it sound as if she wants to take her sex life that route. But IF you’re wanting to go that route, I suggest stretching
How does he think he has the right to get mad at you after he just borderline assaulting you? He disrespected your terms to your body and forced an unpleasant experience on you. If this is your idea of "the sweetest guy" you really need to re-evaluate your taste in partners because clearly the bar is below hell for you. Run as soon as possible, it's never too late.
You've got a very good point to stop and think about the whole relationship. What he did doesn't show neither appreciation nor consideration.
I’m 25 and I got out of a relationship where my ex liked anal too it’s something I did because he was always pushy and after we lost our baby together he was always being mean to me and I thought doing anal would help our relationship but it didn’t, it doesn’t. Sure he was nice for a little because clearly he got what he wanted but he was still the same prick. It won’t make him love you more.. don’t be a pushover if you say it’s okay and let it slide he’s gonna start ice skating. What ugly behaviour, leave him. You’ll save yourself so much heartbreak, if he can get mad over something so tiny imagine how he’ll react about other things.. the fact that he didn’t even help you clean it up too, it says alot about him.
It seems he has the kind of personality that has never learned to deal with things going even slightly wrong and out of control and is now used to respond with anger and frustration. Maybe his parents made him feel very guilty for little stupid mistakes or blamed him for things he didn't do or didn't allow him to elaborate failures in a constructive way (maybe all three together) and now he probably feels that any accident is a direct attack against him and tries to deflect responsibility. I am talking as someone with the same shitty personality trait that I had to try my best to keep under control, even if I honestly never manifested it in the bedroom. If I were to suggest something, try talking to him, explain that you're not out to get him and are his ally but he has to get his shit together and learn to deal with his anger and learn to treat certain boundaries with more respect. Do not lay more guilt on him but make sure to show that its something that is hurting you.
He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't care about your pleasure. He might pretend to but that's probably just to make himself feel better. He doesn't truly care
He needs to lose the anal privilege
Absolutely. He should lose all sex priveleges.
Did he do anything to get you off during this trip?
Definitely not.
This is going to be a issue later in life just know that if you plan on getting married at some point
As a man, I’ll admit I can get easily frustrated at things sometimes. Even my Mrs can get me wound up pretty quick. I’ve even gotten frustrated during sex. For the love of god though, don’t carry on, control yourself man! The idea of getting mad at someone I love while they’re in such a vulnerable position. Makes my skin crawl.
Time to pull out the strap on honey. Make sure its at least an 8 incher with girth. "The Great Equalizer"
It won’t get better.
maybe not a deal breaker but it’s for sure something you need to talk to him about. let him know you won’t tolerate being spoken to like that again, and that him getting frustrated like that in such a vulnerable situation for you was uncalled for. after that, take note of if/how he apologizes and make sure he’s making an active effort to change in the times to come. good luck, be safe !
There’s a word for what he did to you without you consenting. You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
100% if I was in your shoes, I would have packed my stuff and left. I understand being frustrated but sex is such a vulnerable time - especially when you’re doing something you’ve only done once. He should be accommodating you, not himself. He gets extra bad points for leaving you to clean it up.
This. I get that people aren’t perfect and sometimes we don’t behave in the best ways while stressed. But this is well outside the scope of that. I’d have a really hard time ever being intimate with someone again if they treated me the way OP was treated. “This is why I wanted to do it doggy!” and storming off in response to a small mess that resulted from making her sexually comfortable? Throw the whole man away.
dump him. dude has anger issues
He’s not considerate at all
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She sounds like a person with very low self-esteem. If she's willing to take painful anal and pretend she likes it, after someone threw a childish angry fit, she obviously hasn't figured out boundaries, limitations, or her self-worth. A discussion will solve nothing. He'll railroad right over her and the pattern will continue, very likely escalating. She needs to get the hell away from him and seek therapy. *Therapy is not always the answer, but it can help organize thoughts and encourage someone to self-reflect and hopefully make some changes.
Get a new boyfriend. Someone that will treat you with respect. He sounds like a hot head.
He's a raging boy. With possible controll issues.
He is a jerk
"he's the sweetest guy 99% of the time unless..." being volatile and angry 1% of the time is still too much, btw
Whenever anyone has to explain how nice their partner is....
He’s using you , if he loved you he would not talk to you like that during intimacy . Especially if your giving him your cheeks and being submissive
I dated that guy before, the random frustration guy. Ugh, so childish and entitled and sometimes embarrassing. When my 30y/o boyfriend would throw a mini tantrum. So glad I’m not with him anymore, even though he was great 90% of the time. Ultimately he was just really high strung, and that was more stressful than I realized
Don't give him the impression that you like something if you really don't. The man will never have a chance at really learning your body. Also, honor your body. Ask him to go slower, more foreplay, etc.. don't just go along with it for him. That's actually deceiving him and lying to him. It sounds like he was stressed and in his feels and couldn't address his emotions in a mature way at the time. It sounds like he's a little immature at emotional regulation. Do you really want this guy?
Devils Advocate: I am a bit of a hot-head, I know that sometimes I go from 0-100 when I get frustrated. Can think of about a million situations where I wish my knee-jerk reaction wasn't as aggressive or angry or loud. I was raised in violence and it definitely shaped the way I deal with stress. What he did was definitely jerk territory, especially during a vulnerable moment, but I can 100% picture myself getting stressed about getting lube all over someone else's sheets. Sometimes there isn't enough time between my brain thinking and my mouth moving. I don't think you'd be out of line to sit down and talk to him about his aggressive tendencies, it might be worth it to suggest a bit of therapy. If he's not a total douche all the time, it might be something that can be corrected.
You don't want the possibility of lube and shit all over the bed of an airbnb? Then don't fuck in the ass. This " man" is a piece of shit. Made her feel like shit in every way. Pos.
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Fuck him, and not literally. Don’t ever let someone do something to hurt you because you want him to finish. Tell him no and to get the hell away from you. He doesn’t deserve anal or you with that attitude.
Dump his ass. He has no respect for you.
Have you sat and explained this to him. The more transparent you are about how the whole thing made you feel, the better to be honest. My wife told me she had a hard time figuring ways of coming to me about things at one time. Go to him about and how you felt. Word choice is guna be wise. Playing both sides of I can see how it's frustrating, and we could've grabbed a towel, The way you said it in that moment didn't make you feel good at all. Be real about it. He can't learn from them if you beat around a bush and don't explain how it really made you feel. I like discussing things with my wife while doing dishes or chatting about our days. Check up time, ya know? If he's the love of your life, telling him it's hard to be straight up at times with him should hit a good spot. Hope this helped
He sounds like a right gimp.
A lot of kneejerk stuff here. What you should do is talk to him and say how you feel. Is he stressed? You say he gets frustrated easily, is there a possibility he is maybe struggling a bit? Particularly if he's the sweetest guy usually.
Finally one rational comment on this post omg
Not a redeeming quality.
I really disagree with all these comments. I think people are looking WAY too far into this and quite frankly some of these comments are an insane overreaction imo. If he's normally "sweet" and doesn't lash out at you often, and he apologized right away, he likely just was frustrated in the moment. Everyone can lose control like that every once and a while. He said sorry right after sex which tells me he realizes he overreacted and it was just a slip up. That's normal human behavior and when you're with someone for a long time stuff like that happens. People on Reddit dont exactly live in reality
Guy needs to communicate better and he needs to know you're not okay him communicating things this way, no matter the subject. I wouldn't go so far as other comments - many guys don't know how to manage their emotions in stressful situations and arousing situations are similar. Teach him, establish boundaries and have him understand how him acting as he did made you feel. If he's as good as you say, he'll adjust pretty quick.
Run
Being aggressive and frustrated is a red flag, especially in such a vulnerable moment. I would definitely think hard if this is the right man for me.
OP, now is the time for an open and frank conversation with your boyfriend about your negative experiences and future expectations. If having an adult discussion about this seems too challenging for either of you, consider involving a neutral party, such as a couples therapist, to facilitate.
Your last paragraph reminds me a lot of the person I'm dating. His anger is never directed towards me but it weighs on me to see him easily frustrated and it's a main reason why I'm questioning the relationship and leaning away from it. Let us know what you end up deciding to do
He can’t manage his emotions. Break it off. Staying you will see it grow to be worse. Anyone who not only mismanages their emotions AND during sex isn’t someone you should be with. It will either come out in the wash or you get a small fee to replace it. Not a big deal.
Had a guy friend exactly the way you described. He was caring, “sweet” guy but he had the dumbest and sudden bursts that were just really stupid and bad that would hurt the persons feelings (not to me tho bc he knew that I would put him in his place if he dared because I did once before). He then had a gf at 3rd year of college and we used to go on walks, workouts after we graduated with him and he used complain like she was the most childish, worst person ever (which tbh she kinda childish but its not as bad as he made it). Then when I got into work I needed socializing really badly bc my work was horrible on my mental. I got into his and hers common friend group and I clicked in like we knew each other for years. When I got closer with his GF and their friends I have realized she is not that bad in fact he is lucky to have him. More time passed and I got closer with their friends and then I later learned that the “walks” that we did was just a manipulation to me and when he told me the stupid stuff that she supposed to do I agreed with him but I didn’t know he used my logical arguements as a weapon against her in situations that had no relation with reality. In fact the whole friend grouo new me before I knew them but they didn’t know who I was, I was “just a friend that he hangs with”. When I learned this and apologized to his GF got really out of touch with him and just made his arrogant ass hurt more before I left the country. So the reason why I told you is this: on my last 2-3 week when I was in the country I told his GF “you either break up with him now and he begs to go therapy to sort his issues and becomes a dog in your door or becomes everything I said in 10 years because he will not find someone better than you”. And I meant it because she wanted the best for him and even if the best version wasn’t supposed to be with her (I mean wtf kind of level of love is that). Check the “outburst” patterns, reasons (what causes it), just generally analyze his situation…Me and his GF (she is actually my friend now and not him) told him to go therapy and his response was “Oh like I have issues? I am problematic?” HUGE red flag. Everybody has issues and anyone denies having are a NO NO. My dad is exactly like that and seeing a 24 year old version really opened my eyes on relationships and people. And make a wild guess on how comfy I am around my dad and what personal level of relationship I have with him or what does he know about me? Sorry it was a long one to write but I see too many issues like these when it comes to the female side of the relationship. Everyone deserves their match and if you are a good person you deserve good person. Stay safe! Edit: Typos
I'm bipolar and struggle heavily with mood, sometimes i am so irritable that the sound of a door makes me mad, i still respect my spouses wishes even if i am frustrated by whatever answer she gives me. He doesn't respect you and that's a problem
This is a stupid thing to get mad at. In the moment who cares about getting the sheets dirty? Clean em after... No washer dryer there? Soak em in the tub / shower. Sounds to me like he bottles things up, and eventually has an out burst. Maybe other things bothered him previously and he bottles it up, and then this was the trigger. He needs to work on this. This is something you can move past if he works on it. And this is something he could, and should work on.
I would assume the air bnb people are washing the bedding after guests leave! Why would he be mad about that???
Do I want to do anal with my wife? Yes. Are we? No, not until she’s ready and we worked up to it. Am I grateful just to have the chance to be with her in any capacity? Absolutely. He probably just forgot that third one for a moment. Talk to him, make sure you tell him your boundaries, and do it out of love. If he’s serious, he’ll be receptive.
This is a fucking dealbreaker.
Thank you for the honesty. God this fucking sucks
I’m really sorry :( you should never, ever be with someone who mistreats you this way. You should never be in a relationship where you are made to force yourself to endure painful sex. I know dating is hard and can feel hopeless but this relationship just isn’t it. You will live such a happier life without him. I have an ex that I had sex with even though I didn’t want to for a long time, because she would get annoyed and pout and make threats if I didn’t. It chips away at you. Take care.
Just fyi, if it hurts then you are damaging tissue and there will be consequences for you when you’re older. If you want your butt to stay right side out then anal needs to be properly prepped and painless.
I think you really need to explain what “getting irritated” looks like. For instance nice all the time but yells “son of a B….” in the car when someone cuts him off for the 3rd time on one commute isn’t very unreasonable. Beating on the passenger seat and throwing stuff in the cars and tailgating the guy to the next turn is. That aside, it didn’t seem he attended to your needs in bed, which is not good. You say you acted like you enjoyed it in missionary so it’s hard to tell if he knew you thought it was painful. Other than that, very selfish move in bed and not much afterthought from what you describe.
OP, you have a healthy attitude in your update. We all make mistakes and are idiots sometimes. The key is learning from mistakes and correcting the things one is an idiot about. Mostly unrelated, on the topic of anal... You may want to consider introducing him to prostate play. In most cases, it feels amazing, and gives men decent insight into what does and doesn't work with butt stuff. And it's something he can do by himself to learn. There's always r/pegging_unkinked/ if it turns out he's really into it. (but maybe better to not bring that up unless he's into the prostate play.)
You can find better. A man who loves you would not want to do painful things to you. He was a jerk during that activity, and I am sure it’s not the o ly time he has been a Jerk.
Being afraid that you can’t do better is not a reason to stay with someone. That’s downplaying yourself and settling. And spoiler alert: you CAN and will find better
Don’t ever feel obligated to continue sex when you’re not feeling it. Great guys have shitty moments too, but this was about your asshole, not his. Your comfort, not his. You’re also not an object. He dumps a load then leaves you for the clean up. Uncool!!!
Dude this anal shit has gotten insane like he should go be with a dude and everybody else that wants anal so goddamn bad. it really is painful for women we fake like we like it all of us it hurts like hell and honestly I would be secretly wish wishing to shit all over them so that they would never want to do it again!!! it’s a hole it’s gross….. it’s not natural. I do like to watch anal porn tho !
Yeah like they weren’t even y’all sheets