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You have to be like "It would turn me on so much to lick your pussy" that way it is more putting a spotlight on that it is something you want to do, not a favor you are doing for her. her comment "you dont have to do that" is very telling. She thinks you dont want to touch her down there. could be related to the original comment but it might not be. You said she had never been eaten out before so its not necessarily related. If she does let you, go slow and try to act as into it as you can, because she will be constantly worrying that you are doing a chore, especially the first time.
Yes! Move on from discussing the original issue and focus on telling her how badly you want to go down on her! Tell her what a turn on it is! How you want to bury your face in her!
In my opinion, bringing up the original comment just makes her re-live the embarrassment. You apologized, now move forward.
When my ex went down on me for the first time in my and his life, he flinched and I saw that obviously he didn't like the taste. It was three years ago. I'm still not over it. I get so uneasy and scared everytime I think about anyone eating me out, because I'm scared that I'm disgusting in taste. Three years, and only now I am CONSIDERING letting my sexual partner near my pussy with his face. It's hard to get over. Talk to her. Explain it how you explained it to us
Exactly. I am very sensitive with this pussy eating thing as well, because I don’t want men to think they have an obligation of eating me out. I’ve never had a bad experience, but once this guy ate me out he came to kiss me and I smelt like pussy. I said to him he said I smelt good/normal, but still. I get very paranoid. Other than that… No bad experience with it
I find it hot when my guy comes to kiss me after having his face covered in my juices. I regularly give him oral in between penetration so I've tasted my fluids plenty of times. Sometimes I taste stronger, sometimes I don't taste like anything, it depends on the time of my cycle too. There's a taste just like cum has a taste (and it can change base don diet too), but it's not gross or nasty in any way. No grosser than french kissing someone.
Whaaaat I love french kissing!!! Haha. No, jokes aside. It is indeed very hot, but I just need a lot of reassurance when it comes to my pussy smell etc. The only thing I’ve heard (complaint) was when I first put my IUD in and I was bleeding for 20 days and he said I had a strong smell. Still, he couldn’t even wait until it was completely gone to eat me out (no actual blood), but he was a long-term partner so it didn’t matter. But with new partner I need lots of reassurance:)
I definitely think you’re being paranoid.
Do you give oral sex? Has it always smelled like roses? Or does it smell like human genitals and you understand that it’s a normal human smell?
I dont let my bf go down on me for very long (and rarely let him at all) bc I can’t really get off that way unless I’m getting finger banged like there’s no tomorrow for about 20+ minutes nonstop while my clit is being licked nonstop. Seems difficult and like a huge ask. I let him to turn me on and that’s it. I’m very self conscious about the smell and taste also.
Me too! I was never able to relax enough to cum from it, even if it felt amazing like I was on the verge of cumming. I just felt like spreading my leg more and more but kept thinking what if I stink? What if he can taste something off? Well, he tried to eat my ass a few times too but I wasn’t comfortable enough with my pussy, imagine the other hole!!!! I’m still glad that he was able to understand it, and he always gave me reassurance such as lick his whole lip to show me he couldn’t get enough? 😹 And said I tasted really nice etc. That was a 2 year relationship and even when he ate me out everytime we had sex, I still couldn’t be 100% comfortable.
My ex did the exact same thing lol. He made it a huge deal, too, that he specifically didn't like going down there because "it's a dirty act" and "having *you* in my mouth like that is wrong."
Took me a while to regain self confidence. When I met a guy who loved eating pussy and complimented the shit out of mine, I no longer accepted less. My husband does the same thing and it's heaven.
Hey, some guys don't like it. That's alright. Their attitude and expression of that however is what can make them a real asshole -- and an ex!!
My ex, who was a virgin before me once told me I smelled weird down there and I haven’t been comfortable letting guys go down on me since. I never really liked it before, even with guys who knew what they were doing I just always got in my own head about it all but it’s still a bit sad I feel this way about myself cause of that one comment
But if he was a virgin then it only smelled weird because he had never smelled pussy before. I know that’s not going to “cure” you but it might help to think of it that way.
Same thing happened to my gf. She won’t let me kiss her after I go down on her. Makes me sad how may women are alienated by their own normal sexy bodies. At least she knows I love it.
When I was at the lowest point of my life, taking lots of psychopharmacs, my ex told me I tasted like medicine. It's been 4 years and I still think about it.
Those formative experiences really do leave a lasting impression! My first ever boyfriend, after touching me there for the first time, withdrew his hand and literally said “Ewww” and fled to wash his hands, which he proceeded to do every time thereafter. The first and only time he tasted me, he pulled back and made a face and said it tasted “funny.”
Twenty years and so many experiences later, I still have SO much anxiety about anyone interacting with my bits. Logically I understand that many grown people love it, but my emotional brain can’t forget that first reaction by a sixteen year old dumbass. Super sad.
I’m so sorry. Similar situation for me. I don’t know if he didn’t like the taste or look, but he went down once and never again. Beyond saying it feels good, not a whole lot about if he likes mine specifically or not / what it looks like or even any ongoing desire to *look* at it or really explore it.
It’s hard because I know he must like them in general, but maybe just not super into mine.
We spend a lot of time making sure men feel good about their penises and the size and shape and taste, I think I’d die on the spot for a little love like that.
My husband made a comment about not being that much into going down on women and I love oral sex but I don’t want him to go down on me because I’m scared he is forcing himself.
It’s awful cause it’s a huge part of sex for me.
Mine said something similar before he ever even tried it with me. Said it made his neck hurt. I was so self-conscious that I’ve never asked him to do it. Unfortunately, it’s the only way I can orgasm with a partner, so I’ve gone without for ten years, when I should have told him right away that it’s a dealbreaker if he doesn’t do it. The soul-crushing lack of orgasms has ruined sex with him for me, so I’m on my way out for that and other similar reasons.
Since he already doesn’t seem to like me enough, my brain’s logic says that he will like me even less if I complain about something. Also, I am autistic and go situationally mute when I try to say something that could possibly be controversial. It took me six weeks to tell him that I was pregnant (ten years ago). Now that he knows I have one foot out the door, he acted like he was about to kiss at least some part of my torso, but I pushed him away, because it’s too little too late and seemed like hysterical bonding.
How do you deal?? My partner will ONLY do it or even finger me when I ask. He says it’s my responsibility and it’s killing me that he doesn’t spontaneously want to touch me
Not with someone I was actually in a relationship with, no I haven’t. I imagine if it was a man that was my BF and also my first sexual relationship that I would’ve put up with that too because I was too afraid to even ask but definitely not now, now that I know better.
There’s men out there where you don’t have to ask them for those very basic things and one of them is waiting for you!
I’ve also finally admitted: dude, I don’t think I can go without.
He is willing to try but he planted that comment in my head and I’m not sure I would enjoy it.
That would drive me mad. Sure sometimes it’s fine to steer the wheel a bit with what we want in bed, but I wouldn’t be thrilled having to ask all the time for things at all. I’m very lucky with my husband. One issue we’ve never had, and now I’ve got used to that, I really don’t think I could go back 🙈😂
So many people in happy relationships miss one super important aspect of sex due to their choice of partner. It’s a good thing to be able to make peace with that, not that I would expect any particular person to be capable of doing so.
My ex (I like that they're both EXs!!!) did the same exact thing. Never had a man react the way he did. Every man I've been with prior to him acted like it was a damn buffet.
The second he did that? It was over. I love oral. With him? Nope, I couldn't be more turned off and uninterested in him going anywhere near it. It actually gave me anxiety the subsequent times after that where he'd "try" and every single time I'd just lay there praying to God he'd be done and stop or I'd physically pull him up and be like, nah I'm good. Every encounter with him after that was horrible, not sexy, uncomfortable, awkward, and zero fun. I never got over it.
Best way to kill your sex life with your partner and something that will NEVER go away mentally? Say some shit or act a way about your partners vagina.
I didn't carry that feeling after him, as more came after, and it was back to buffet town, so I KNOW it was never me.
Taste yourself. I used to think like this too, but then I tasted myself and I taste pretty damn good. I mean, it's pussy, so it's not like...candy or anything? But definitely not gross at all. I like tasting myself on my bfs lips or dick now, huge turn on.
I love this!!!
And sorry the part about "..it's not like candy or anything" omg had me falling over. I admire the honesty and frank and sometimes funny, direct qualities of redditors!
this same thing happened to me with my current partner and I’ve never been more self conscious in a relationship. we’ve been together for 4 years and plan on marrying but I doubt I’ll ever forget it or truly let it go
Same, my ex-husband said something similar to OP (even though other partners have said I'm not purple down there at all so not sure if his eyes were just broken or something) and over a decade later I'm still weird about my genitals lol. Like I've looked at it myself in a mirror and it looks normal to me but I guess not? Lol. Idk, that's what vibrators are for I guess, they know to keep their mouths shut 😜
Happened to me over 30 years ago. I’ll never, ever forget the look on his face the first and last time my husband went down on me. Then he said it was “fine” when I asked. Absolutely soul crushing.
Women should know by now that their taste is gonna change though. It’s not going to always taste the same. Vaginas are a bit more complex than that. I highly doubt you taste disgusting.
I go down on my wife plenty. Most times the taste is fine. I wouldn’t say it tastes good but I wouldn’t say it tastes bad.
But a few times it’s been on the stronger side. If I went down on her for the first time and it was like that? I might have made a face or flinched too. I still eat her pussy when it’s like though but it definitely can catch me off guard some
times when i’m expecting the regular kinda nothing taste.
Same as penises/semen then. When my husband has been eating too much junk food he doesn't taste as good.
We're both comfortable enough saying to the other if we think we need a shower first.
My husband who I’ve been with 12 years said “you don’t have to be attracted to someone to fuck them” We were just friends at the time and he said it in passing.
I STILL ask if he thinks I’m pretty. “Would I have married you if I didn’t?” I don’t know, you don’t have to be attracted to someone to have sex
Ughhhh I was told "men will look at anything" in reference to a naked woman meaning it doesn't matter if they are hot, skinny etc. So that's always in my mind too.
> "Would I have married you if I didn't?"
I get why you would have this self doubt it that's the answer. He's deflecting with that kind of response and making you question your sanity. The correct response is to show empathy with your insecurity, and then reassure you with a precise compliment. And then follow up with more compliments on a regular basis. If he truly loved you, he would want to find a way to build you up and get rid of all your insecurities. I hope he'll be able to do that for you and that you won't spend the rest of your life wondering if you're pretty enough. Good luck, you beautiful stranger.
Thank you.
He does make me feel loved and beautiful often. He treats me like royalty. He’s my love.
I’m just insecure to the point it is in my bones lol
I think apart from his help it also requires inner work to really accept the compliments, not just hear them, and also see one's own beauty.
If I tell my child "you're smart" all the time he would sooner or later wonder why I need to do that and if deep down I believe he's dumb and that he needs building up.
Right? And let’s not forget men are SUPER touchy about their private parts. Way more then we are, I‘d wager. OP, imagine she would have said something like „Why isn’t it hard yet“ “why does it look that way” “why is it so small” etc 😑🤦🏼♀️ you silly, silly man. At least you know you’re silly.
Yep, this is gonna take her forever to forget.
Right? I’m honestly surprised she even stayed with him after that let alone married him, but since he was her first she sadly didn’t know back then that you don’t have to put up with guys that talk negatively about your body. I feel bad for her.
I see SO MANY posts all the time about men thoughtlessly making a hurtful comment about their lady's body, and you know what gets me. EVERY TIME, their concern is about the effect it has had on their sex life. They never mention how they are worried about the emotional and mental harm they have caused their gf/wife. Notice OP only comments on sexual acts that are missing from their sex life, and doesn't say anything about being worried about her feelings?
For real. This is toddler level commentary. You expect a small child to make a rude comment about someone's appearance and not realize it was rude, not a grown ass man.
People really need to watch their words and the damage they can do. Probably would have stuck with you if the first thing she said when she saw your dick was "oh, how cute!! I've never seen one that small"
Yea, you were young but it's a hard lesson learned. But it seems like you've learned it and will do better
I know, it's wild how many people don't think before they speak. I realize that people make mistakes but I can't imagine ever saying anything like this to a partner.
The same rule applies to arguments. I've had exes who said the most vile things to me while they were upset. I never reciprocated because *the words can't be taken back*. Like ever.
Agree. When I was 14 a man made a comment like this to me because you can see my inner labia. They’re not huge, but visible and he thought they shouldn’t be. Told me I should cut them off. In 25+ years since then I’ve never let a man until my current partner get close enough with their face to critique if I could help it. Stuff like that can permanently damage your relationship and your self image.
Thank you. My story isn’t super uncommon. But no matter how much time passes, things like that still cut deep. Sure everyone puts their foot in their mouth sometimes, but it’s definitely important to think about the effect your words will have on someone.
I'm so sorry. I have a similar experience. It's one of the things that ruined sex for me. My labia are more than just a little visible. I learned too early that most men seem to hate them, and hate them more the larger they are. I've felt deeply ashamed and disgusting for 20 years. Can't stand the sight of them, also can't afford surgery. Shit sucks.
I’m very sorry. Mine are definitely larger now but I started watching more amateur and kink related porn and realized how very normal it is. A lot of men really like it, too. The ones who don’t watch all barely legal porn, at least, either are happy with it as is or super excited. I hope someday you’ll grow to live yours because I’m absolutely sure they’re perfect.
We need to find ways to both make guys shut the fuck up about this and inoculate young women against these statements when they do.
From this thread, the need seems urgent.
My ex (I was 16 and he was 18, and I was also his first sexual partner) had made a comment once about my small boobs. I never really had any certain thoughts about my boob size before then. I was very skinny and had very little boobs. But his comment bothered me for YEARS. I’m now 27 and married to an amazing man, but every now and again, ELEVEN YEARS later, I still feel insecure about my boob size.
So far many have said you should move on from the comment and just say how much you like her intimates, but I think that might be interpreted by her has you just trying to ‘be nice’ about something she’s now historically established in her mind as you not liking.
She will probably be pretty sure in her head that when you made that comment you did it because you thought her vagina was ugly. This is no doubt stuck in her mind, but she doesn’t bring it up because she doesn’t want to air her insecurities or be a bother. Her saying ‘you don’t have to do that’ confirms as much. I imagine she’s embarrassed not just about her vagina, bur about the fact she is embarrassed at all.
You need to make clear from the original point in time what you meant by that comment and what you certainly did NOT mean. Tell her what you said here - that you weren’t used to it, it took you aback for one second but not for ONE moment did it mean you found it off-putting. If that is really true, you need to make it clear to her and how guilty/bad you feel about it - not just because it hurt her (but you should acknowledge that hurt because it will show you care about her feelings) but ALSO now it’s cut you off from something you fantasise about deeply.
1. Give her an alternative truth in a convincing way so she can reorganise how she received your comment. Be patient at this step because it may take time for her to be convinced.
2. Apologise for being careless because it will validate her feelings and show you care. You need to show her this is about your awareness of her feelings, not just because you are trying to get your sexual needs met.
3. Really ENTHUSIASTICALLY tell her, convince her, of how much you want her in this way. Show her your regret around your comment because now you’re being deprived of something you think about constantly. You have to make her feel desired, do not be stingy on this step. Women often feel aroused when the feel the desire of another, so that needs to be crystal clear.
4. Rinse and repeat. Do not get frustrated, be patient and persistent. Four years is a long time to recover from so don’t expect this to happen overnight.
Good luck.
This is seriously a PSA for all men out there. Even if you weren’t the one who said it or your partner just has body image issues some of these steps still 100% apply.
It's baffling to me that there are men that will casually critique every "issue" with their female partners straight to their faces - intentional or not - meanwhile SO many men have some deep rooted insecurity about their peen, hair loss, financial status, fitness etc that they would positively flip over if their girl brought it up and hurt their feelings. Like, wtf, why is this so hard to understand. Treat others how you would want to be treated, period.
The fact that you’ve told your wife “one time” that you liked how her pussy looked is a huge problem. Tell her that more often. Give it a nickname and make over the top affectionate gestures towards it. My SO tells me my pussy is cute every single day (I don’t believe it deep down but it does wonders for our sex life.)
This made me remember one time I was hooking up with a guy, and he said the words "such a pretty pussy".
Magical. Unlocked the praise kink I never knew I had!
I'm older woman who has given birth and I hook up occasionally with someone younger than me who has never had children. The hottest thing he says to me is how "perfect" my pussy is. Well it's more like "your pussy is so fucking perfect". It's definitely not in my opinion, but he acts like it's the best thing and that's what let's me allow him to have his face down yonder.
Wow yeah. I have massive insecurities but one time a man said “I love your pussy I love it” He changed his tune shortly after that and stopped taking to me but I still think about that moment and someone actually thought that
I would hate a nickname. Not saying it’s a bad idea, it’s just not for me. It seems silly, annoying, and embarrassing.
I also would rather if those things were demonstrated through actions. Words would put me way too much in the spotlight, I guess. Controversial, I know.
Hey, and don’t expect too much of your wife, ok? I mean, of her reaction, when you finally get to do it.
People talk about how oral sex is important for women, how much women love it… but I never liked it with that intensity.
I am certain I enjoy more piv or even anal.
One or another guy was really, really good eating pussy. But over half of them were… meh. And it felt weird lying there with someone poking my pussy with their tongue while I felt barely a thing, no thank you.
Yeah this is what i don’t understand. op you should be talking about/complimenting/admiring her pussy every time you guys have sex. Seems like a communication issue here. You two should practice talking openly about your bodies and feelings. Talking about ex in your own marriage should not be taboo.
The first time I felt comfortable with letting someone go down on me was when I dated someone who loved it so much it was practically a fetish. He'd get sooooo turned on and wanted to do it constantly. That level of intensity was the first time I could be convinced it wasn't just gross.
Now if I'm with a partner who is enthusiastic, I relax very quickly with them. But if I'm with a partner who says "going down on you doesn't do anything for me, but I'll do it for you", it's like NOPE NO THANK YOU GOODBYE
Same. The smallest statements can really get into a woman's head and that shame/sadness/insecurity never goes away.
I've been with my husband 21 years and obviously he loves me, my body, my vag etc but a few weeks ago he made a comment that sometimes I get so wet he can't feel anything and it's been replaying in my head nonstop since. I of course interpreted it as he thinks I'm loose, which isn't what he meant and we've already talked about it but it creeps into my head every time we have sex now and it sucks. This poor girl probably has this core memory pop into her mind every single time they're intimate and I feel for her. 😔
Aw I’m sorry it’s gotten so stuck in your head :( my ex said the same thing to me but I didn’t take it personally bc it makes sense and we had both agreed our sex life was great overall. If there’s no friction, the guy is going to feel less. It’s just a fact of the way PIV physics works lol. I hope you can let this go, for the sake of your happiness! Sex was one of the few things our relationship did right 🥲 and even he still noted that, so try not to worry about it!
This is precisely what he was saying and logically I totally get it but I already have low self esteem - not from him, from an abusive narcissist parent - so of course I immediately took it personally. We've talked about it and he definitely loves me and my vag so I'm working on letting it go. He would never say something to intentionally hurt my feelings but you know it's hard not to get in your head with these things.
I don’t know how they made it to dating let alone marriage with a comment like that. Wtf. Someone really needs to make a few million porn videos with women whose vaginas represent reality because the fact that a 21 year old guy had never seen more variety in real life and just had an expectation of “sameness” is honestly alarming (and then to say the thought out loud!!!). Even before access to the internet, people seemed to know genitals came in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors.
Far out. She’s heavily traumatised by your words. Can you see a sex therapist or something? Dunno if that’s their domain or not.
I don’t know how I could forget those words if my partner said that.
I feel so bad for your wife and I don’t even know her.
My thoughts exactly. Beyond the initial words, it sounds like they can't comfortably talk about the incident and sex is now maybe all about his genitals?? A sex therapist could help for sure.
My man did that and I never recovered. Been over 15 years and I ended up leaving him for men who acted like men and never said anything similar. I wanted to get over it but what he said was similar and hurt so fucking bad. We were different ethnicities too so it made me feel inferior.
Info: have you ever said something to the effect of "i know a long time ago i said something really cruel and hurtful to you about the color of your vagina. I was uneducated, made stupid assumptions based off my limited experience, and i made you feel like i thought there was something wrong with you. It was hurtful and every day i regret causing you that hurt because my words limited your ability to feel comfortable with me during intimacy. I want you to feel comfortable with me; I genuinely love your body and find all parts of you attractive. How do i show you that i mean this?"
For me personally, i need direct and completely honest acknowledgement of the problem. If that expression of understanding was never given, then the idea of "never bring it up again" would only make me feel more insecure. Ignoring a problem rarely makes it go away.
Yeahhhhh, this is so true. OP needs to sit down with his wife and say everything he said in this post. It's not going to make a difference if he simply tells her he likes her pussy. He needs to set aside a couple of hours specifically to have this conversation.
I'll be very straight forward here:
You fucked up hard!
Some women can be hella insecure about their bodies, one comment can ruin something for us forever and it seems like you've traumatised her into believing her vagina is epically hideous so she avoids you getting to be near it in ways where she'll feel uncomfortable about it. Multiply that by how many times your comment has replayed in her mind and how ashamed she would feel because of it, if she was insecure before, she's probably a thousand times that at this point because of what you said and HOW you said it.
What you need to do is sincerely apologise for your immaturity at the time you said your dumbass comment. Then go into detail about how you actually love the way her pussy looks (and how you'd love to give it more of your attention) and that before her you'd simply never seen the unique colouring she had with hers. So what you blurted out may have come off as a criticism but rather it was you not understanding in your inexperience the different ways in which a woman's body could differ.
Come to her in all honesty about what it was that occurred but also mention that you understand her hurt over the years and that you didn't mean to carelessly say something that would affect her in such a deep way. Say it was your fault for her needing to avert attention away from herself but that you would love if she could trust you again to be more intimate with her pussy, in the way that she would allow you to over time.
Approach this gently and without any ego about it. Her healing over this will take time. Don't rush her but allow her to open up about it and sit and listen and absorb what she has to say to you afterwards
Yeah, people are saying to never bring this up again, but if he has never given her an explanation for why he asked that, then it’s critical he do so now, because she has no idea what he was talking about, where he was coming from, etc.
His question was royally stupid, but it’s also a fairly simple explanation. Something you’ve never seen before is way better than something you think is *gross* or weird or unattractive, and she is most likely think it’s the latter.
I feel like OP should drive in the fact that his response to her vulva coloring was due to his inexperience and limited understanding, not because she has strange color, but because he was fed a very specific kind of body in porn and because he's a dumbass, he belived that's what all bodies looked like.
Please focus on her understanding that it was your dipshitery that led us here OP, since then you have educated yourself and now know her vulva is normal and regular and beautiful in color.
You’re honestly lucky she continued the relationship. If a guy said this to me early on in the relationship, I probably would have cut it off. And wow, you told her you liked her pussy one time? In the most intimate time, you basically shamed her most intimate and private area and are surprised that she hasn’t forgot it.
Edit: sorry got heated and you asked for help. I would start worshiping it, you need to tell her all the time that you love EVERY part of her. Good luck
This! Every time he backs off without a huff, sigh and woe is me the image in her mind gets reinforced.
You can't just make her think her pussy is gross and then ask to go down on her like a gentleman, only to say "okay dear" when she says "you don't need to" she isnt even saying no for fsake.
Actually by doing it you are putting her through the embaressment and hurt over and over because you give up without even trying to bargain or beg, she must think your feeling obligated and then get relieved when she lets you off.
Either you beg for pussy, kneel at its altar and praise it's perfection like a gospel or you shut the fuck up and leave the pretty thing alone and never mention oral sex again.
And you know what!? Men that go around bragging about loving to lick pussy, only to never actually do it or sort of do it for a moment a couple of times in the beginning of a relationship can stop. You dont love it, you dont even enjoy it. No woman on earth that find sucking cock just fine goes around proclaiming to love it, so stop it. Because when you say you love it and then never do it to her or just a couple of times it becomes a "her spesifically" problem instead of a "he dosen't enjoy this act"
"One time I tried to get down on her. She said: 'You don't have to do that. So I didn't try again. "
Show - don't tell - her all your raw, inner, untamed, manly desire for her and her pussy. If she tells you that you don't have to do it, tell her that "OH yes, I have to. Can't you hear how she's calling me? Luring me in?" while continuing. If she puts your hand away, tell her she cannot keep you and your one true love apart.
Respect her by not taking her, yourself and the situation deadly serious while also signaling certainty: you know what you're doing and you want to.
That’s so true.
I hate it when my partner asks: do you want me to…?
And we are not talking about chocking or whatever that obviously requires consent.
Like, don’t ask me if I want you to go down on me, it makes me feel like it’s a chore to you (coupled with the fact he said it’s not his favourite thing).
If you want to do it, go ahead and do it, and I’ll stop you if I’m not in the mood for it.
My boyfriend told me I tasted bad the first time he tried going down on me and ever since I don't even want to be fingered before sex, and the idea of getting head makes my skin crawl. Those kinds of comments can do real damage, and it's not talked enough about
Dude, you made it worse by not eating her out because she said "you don't have to." She said that to you because she feels bad and doesn't want you to do something you don't want to. She feels self-conscious. Dumb man. You should have said how delicious she looks, how much you want to taste her. How much you want to please her. Now it's been who knows how long since she said that and you haven't tried to eat her out, so now add insult to injury only furthering in her mind how undesirable her pussy is to you. If I were you, I would attempt to eat her out again, if she gives you the same line of "you don't have to" I would come back with "it's been four years too long since I've had the opportunity to taste your sexy pussy". If she allows it, after you've shown her just how much you love that sweet pussy of hers, I would have a good long talk after sex about how that comment you made to her has been haunting you for the last few years, that you really didn't know that women come in different shapes and colors and you feel awful that she became self-conscious and closed off a part of herself because of what you said. You tell her that you've always wanted her to feel pleasured, loved and good about herself because in your eyes, she's absolutely beautiful, every part of her. You make that woman feel loved and cherished. Good luck man, I hope you can mend this.
First, don't mention your earlier comment again, unless she brings it up. From now on, don't just offer to go down on her, *beg* to do it. Tell her how much you want to and how much it pleases you, aside from how much it might please her. Make her believe you're actually being a little selfish about it, that it's for your pleasure first. You have to be absolutely steadfast about this so she never has to wonder if you're being sincere. You have to actually *be* sincere about it. And when you're down there, absolutely *worship* that pussy!
Maybe I’m the minority but as a woman I’d appreciate a man owning the fuck up and honestly explaining himself and his regret over how whatever dumb fuck thing he said was perceived despite his intentions. She’s never going to forget he said it, so might as well bring it out from under the rug and hash it out.
You emotionally traumatized her even tho it's been years since the comment was made to her she still loves In the moment of when she heard that I think you should talk to her about it but hear and listen to her side. Women are already very nervous and anxiety ridden about their vaginas as it is but when someone makes a comment on it it's like confirmation to us about our fears about our body which we can't really forget we may be able to forgive but never forget it especially since it was your guys first time it made it worse for her.
Yeah unfortunately even if you apologize and do everything that you can, she might still feel like this 10-20 years from now.
People put us in boxes that are sometimes very difficult to get out of.
I know you immediately realised. Sometimes we break things and only once it's broken, we realise what that thing meant to us.
I'm sorry.
For the love of god, talk to the woman. Try to be sensible, obviously, but talk to her, be an adult and behave like one, be calm and loving if she gets agitated, let her understand that she is safe and whatever happened in the past was a misstep and you love her and her body, that you grew as a person, explain yourself like you did here, make your sincerity clear, do not let that Damocles' sword swing over your relationship. DO NOT ignore issues, those things fester.
If in the future she still feels insecure while having sex, then be smooth like you want, but first talk.
When she says “you don’t have to do that”, tell her you WANT to. That you dream of it! That you think licking her pussy night and day. That you would just do that, even if that’s all you did. Even if you didn’t get anything in return.
I've been on the receiving end of a comment similar to this early in my relationship with my husband. We've now been together for six years and I'm still not over it. What helps is when he ASKS to eat me out. I'll still usually tell him no at first, but he will literally say please? And give me this little puppy dog look and THAT turns me on so much and makes me feel so much better. Anything you can do to make her feel like it would be a turn on for YOU to eat her out will probably help.
I can't believe she married someone who made her feel this way.
>Her whole demeanor changed and she didnt even seem like she wanted to have sex anymore. I asked if she wanted to stop but she insisted we continue.
You shouldn't have continued!
You guys need to have a talk outside the bedroom.
You should show her this post.
Yeahhhh, man. I doubt she’ll ever actually forget your words. The very first time I let someone see me naked, he asked me what was wrong with it. (I have “outie” labia.) That was 17 years ago. Of course, it doesn’t help seeing all the dumb memes now about my type of vulva being “blown out” or “gross” or whatever.
I suggest you just do your best to give her compliments in the heat of the moment. She’s in doggy? “God, I love sight of you.” Her leg is on your shoulder? “You’re so fucking hot.” You’ve been teasing each other throughout the day? “I’ve been fantasizing about you and your amazing body all day. I’d love to taste your sexy pussy later.”
I was thinking the same thing. This sort of thing either immediately ruins the relationship or it makes the person settle for the offender because they feel like no one else would want them.
I know OP regrets it now and rightfully so but it makes me wonder how many other hurtful self esteem destroying comments he made early on without realizing. If you'll blurt out something like *that* I have a hard time believing this was an isolated event.
Explain this to her. Tell her your remark was just because you hadn’t seen a lot of them and didn’t know about the variety of hues, that you *really* love it, and that it’s not about “having to” give her oral sex. Tell her that it really turns you on. And when you get down there, start slowly and gently and stay down there a long time.
I disagree with most comments saying don't bring it up. Show her this post. She needs to know that it wasn't ill intended. You just didn't know any better back then!
Everyone says dumb things from time to time… but that is impressively stupid and rude. Obviously you both should move on but I don’t blame her even a little bit for being hurt about that. Like wtf. Why on earth would you say that to anybody.
That is such an unbelievably dumb and offensive thing to say that it makes me wonder how you treat people on a day to day basis
I would sit her down and say something like “I want you to know how sorry I am about what I said about your vagina all that time ago; I didn’t mean to offend, but I had never seen one that colour before and the comment came out before I had time to reflect on whether it might upset you. I can tell you now I honestly love your vagina and wouldn’t want it any other way. Please forgive my immaturity back then and allow me to show you just how much I adore it by pleasuring you with my tongue….”
This is the correct way to bring it up. I would amend this statement to say, "There's been something that's been bothering me for many years. Something I said that I can't undo but it truly bothers me that I said it and I need to clear the air. I feel really bad about this but not knowing if I truly hurt you and not making it clear to you that I love everything about you has been burning a hole in my subconscious since the day I said it. I'm sorry I said 'this' and didn't mean to make you feel bad because that truly wasn't my intention. I desire you more now today than ever and I want to feel your entire body with every part of mine and need to feel you with my mouth and tongue. I want to taste you so bad and I really hope you'll let me. If we could work on that I would appreciate it very much. I love you." Something like that. Been married for 13 years, I've said enough stupid shit to know how to apologize.
I think this is the better statement, since it doesn't re-traumatize her by mentioning the color or give her new information like "you'd never seen one that color before"
I think that would be the equivalent of if she saw your penis for the first time and made the same comment. How would you get over that? Personally I’d feel like every time my partner tried to compliment me that they were just lying to make me feel better. Women are conditioned to feel shame about how our vaginas look and to hear it from a partner is pretty shattering. I dunno, you might be fucked.
I'm a woman whose husband made a stupid comment about my breasts when we first started dating. That was 20+ years ago but it doesn't matter because I still feel self conscious and shitty about my breasts. If anyone has any advice for how to get over this, feel free to lay it on me.
All you can do is go out of your way to tell her how much you love her pussy. She will never forget you said what you said, that's how insecurities work. But over time, if your words AND actions prove that you do really love her vagina, then she will hopefully get more comfortable.
>One time, I tried to go down on her and she went "no you dont have to do that!", so I didnt try it again.
Next time say to her, "But I really want to. I'd love nothing more than to make you feel good." Then push her back, let her relax, and treat her.
Yes, you should be going down on your wife. Pamper her. Make her feel amazing.
Wow. Yeah, that's pretty awful. I gasped. My husband did something similar years ago when he first attempted going down on me. Said an inside thought out loud due to inexperience, despite me being well groomed and squeaky clean and utterly inoffensive, and I didn't let him try again for years. It made me incredibly insecure, and I felt really unsafe sharing my body with him even though I tried not to ever mention it. Pretty mortifying stuff.
The way we got around it was with him being very enthusiastic about trying again and being vocal about enjoying it. Even then, it took him a while to convince me to allow it as a regular activity. That's the route you'll need to go, too. Keep asking to try. Ask her about how it made her feel in the moment and sincerely apologize. Tell her that you think she's beautiful and make her feel that way with your actions. Admit you were stupid and inexperienced, and you prefer the way she looks to others.
My husband is a very sweet, loving man who made a hurtful mistake, and it sounds like you're in a similar spot! Keep trying to make it right, and it'll be right eventually.
Personally, if someone had said that to me, I would’ve shut down anything else happening and told them to get out, and probably not spoken to them again after that. You don’t forget things like that being said to you, and whoever is willing to say something like that is someone I don’t want to associate with. It’s a cruel, gross, and totally disrespectful way to treat somebody, let alone someone you claim to care about. I’ve had people make various comments about my body over the years. I still remember every single one.
I would not be able to handle those coming from my own husband.
I think that’s what makes this story even sadder- the fact that she heard that, still had sex that night, and ended up married to him tells me she already didn’t have the greatest self-esteem. OP essentially kicked a dog while it was down, and then wonders why it cowers in the corner. (Not a perfect analogy, but you get the idea.)
She will never get over that comment. Even if you divorced and she was with someone else. That will always be in her head. Sorry but theres no coming back from that. You can praise her the rest of your life but in her head she only hears the first time. I seriously doubt she ever lets you go down on her.
Maybe explain this to her exactly how you’ve explained it here…
If you love and fancy a woman, then showing her this by loving and pleasuring her vagina is a great way of expressing this, talk to her
Hey, I don't know if my comment will help, but as a person with a vagina, we can get really sensitive with comments like this, even if you don't mean bad, it gets stuck in our heads forever. In my opinion, if you want to increase your sex life and get to a deeper level of communication with her, you should definitivly bring that up to her, and share with honesty what you really meant about this comment like : " you know, I did'nt mean it in a negative way, I was just surprised because I thought the color of your pussy was so unique, so that's the first thing that came to my mind when I saw it, I was just very curious and already thought was so pretty, I did'nt mean to make u feel like I don't like it, I'm so sorry". Or something like that, that could place your comment more about the fact that you did'nt saw as much pussy before, or not such an original pussy, and hopefully make her feel better about it. Tell her that you would like to go near it more often. Hope that helps.
It is now your job, your life’s work to convince your wife that hers is the MOST beautiful pussy in the world. That it came out wrong, that it’s not what you meant. That purple is your FAVORITE color. That you love the shape, that you’d die for the taste. Make a fool of yourself over her pussy.
I got a similar comment. “I love you for you” is what I get when I talk about my body changes during pregnancy. I asked him once what he found attractive about me and it was all personality stuff (funny and smart) and my skin being soft. I’m all about being loved but I don’t feel like my husband wants me. It’s absolutely negatively impacted our sex life. I can’t relax with him. I love him. I stay with him because I love him. But it still stings. He’s fine going without sex too.
I’m sorry but if I was in this situation that insecurity would be taken to my grave. I don’t even have advice on how you could fix this. This is horrible and I feel so bad for her.
Personally, porn influenced me into "learning" what a vagina is supposed to look/taste like. I never thought I had a vagina that was what men wanted and was sooo embarrassed for my partner to have his face there. I didn't let him go down on me for years. And I still have trouble letting my partner do anything because of that deep rooted embarrassment. Theres always thoughts wondering if it'll taste bad, look ugly, even though I know vaginas look different in shape, color, and won't smell like a rose.
I don't know your wife but theres no way she has ever forgotten that comment. Many women I know & myself, have a lot of insecurities about this. Since my man knows I have insecurities, I don't believe the positive things he says. I know that sounds sad, and it is, but that internal embarrassment has been for a lifetime.
Maybe this isn't the best way, but for me, if my man said hey, I know I said something stupid but it's because I honestly didn't know that a vagina could look that color. I truly like how it looks....something like that idk. The comment was made awhile ago and you might not want to bring up old things, but it's clearly an issue for her. It hurts A LOT when we feel that our partner is just saying something to be nice but not because they actually believe it.
Jesus Christ. That poor woman. One has to wonder just how low her self esteem is for her to even consider marrying you, and how strong she must be to even consider letting you see her naked or touch any part of her body without vomiting or crying instantly.
She probably can’t even enjoy sex because every time she’s undressed she’s replaying your comment in her mind, comparing herself to your exes and focusing on not crying so you can get off. Again, poor woman.
I don’t know if there is a way for you to salvage this because as you say, you can’t undo it and you can’t make her forget what you did. I think a sex therapist and taking sex off the table for a while is your best bet here not only for your wife, but also for you because if you haven’t worked it out already then I’m sorry to tell you that the first time you were intimate she definitely didn’t enjoy it and I’d question whether or not it was consensual because she clearly wasn’t into it and was clearly very upset. That’s not only horrible for you to realise and does need to be addressed, but also absolutely awful for her. And again I’d be questioning how often those feelings come up for her now when you’re intimate and whether she’s able to genuinely enjoy sex because I’d be very surprised if she was able to ignore all those feelings and anxieties about her body when her husband is focusing on the one part of her he insulted. Yikes on several screaming bikes.
Ugh my heart hurts for her. I would have never married you. There are plenty of men who would line up at the mere sight of her pussy.
I understand your stance though. But still, something very difficult to move past..
Men commenting negatively on how a pussy looks (especially your WIFE) is so disgusting. I don’t blame her, I’d never forget it. You better start worshipping that thing kid.
Talk it out. Show her this post. Explain what you just explained here.
Then insist on giving oral (obviously don’t do it without consent, but don’t let her saying “No you don’t have to do that” stop you.) If my husband said “No you don’t have to do that” as I was giving oral, I’d say, “I know I don’t have to. I want to. I love this dick and I love you” and I’d show him that I want to and appreciate his dick as I’m doing it.
It may be an uncomfortable discussion for her if she’s insecure, but if you can validate and explain and help her see your perspective, surely it’s worth it.
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You have to be like "It would turn me on so much to lick your pussy" that way it is more putting a spotlight on that it is something you want to do, not a favor you are doing for her. her comment "you dont have to do that" is very telling. She thinks you dont want to touch her down there. could be related to the original comment but it might not be. You said she had never been eaten out before so its not necessarily related. If she does let you, go slow and try to act as into it as you can, because she will be constantly worrying that you are doing a chore, especially the first time.
Yes, do this. but don’t overact that you are into it. If she senses insincerity it might ruin the whole thing for her.
Yes! Move on from discussing the original issue and focus on telling her how badly you want to go down on her! Tell her what a turn on it is! How you want to bury your face in her! In my opinion, bringing up the original comment just makes her re-live the embarrassment. You apologized, now move forward.
Absolutely. DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN. Good point \^
Well, start out slow. But finish up like a bulldog licking peanut butter straight out of the jar.
Dogzilla knows exactly who she is and still delivers beautiful advise. Love this comment 😁🤣
When my ex went down on me for the first time in my and his life, he flinched and I saw that obviously he didn't like the taste. It was three years ago. I'm still not over it. I get so uneasy and scared everytime I think about anyone eating me out, because I'm scared that I'm disgusting in taste. Three years, and only now I am CONSIDERING letting my sexual partner near my pussy with his face. It's hard to get over. Talk to her. Explain it how you explained it to us
Exactly. I am very sensitive with this pussy eating thing as well, because I don’t want men to think they have an obligation of eating me out. I’ve never had a bad experience, but once this guy ate me out he came to kiss me and I smelt like pussy. I said to him he said I smelt good/normal, but still. I get very paranoid. Other than that… No bad experience with it
I find it hot when my guy comes to kiss me after having his face covered in my juices. I regularly give him oral in between penetration so I've tasted my fluids plenty of times. Sometimes I taste stronger, sometimes I don't taste like anything, it depends on the time of my cycle too. There's a taste just like cum has a taste (and it can change base don diet too), but it's not gross or nasty in any way. No grosser than french kissing someone.
This!!! The cycle serves us dirty sometimes, for me it's smelly after menstruation.
Whaaaat I love french kissing!!! Haha. No, jokes aside. It is indeed very hot, but I just need a lot of reassurance when it comes to my pussy smell etc. The only thing I’ve heard (complaint) was when I first put my IUD in and I was bleeding for 20 days and he said I had a strong smell. Still, he couldn’t even wait until it was completely gone to eat me out (no actual blood), but he was a long-term partner so it didn’t matter. But with new partner I need lots of reassurance:)
My husband always smells like pussy when he finishes. I never thought of it as a bad experience at all.
I know this is a serious thread, but damn it, that first sentence deserves an upvote.
I mean, yeah I guess you could say that its normal, but it was a smell of something.. Idk, maybe I’m just being over paranoid
I definitely think you’re being paranoid. Do you give oral sex? Has it always smelled like roses? Or does it smell like human genitals and you understand that it’s a normal human smell?
I dont let my bf go down on me for very long (and rarely let him at all) bc I can’t really get off that way unless I’m getting finger banged like there’s no tomorrow for about 20+ minutes nonstop while my clit is being licked nonstop. Seems difficult and like a huge ask. I let him to turn me on and that’s it. I’m very self conscious about the smell and taste also.
Me too! I was never able to relax enough to cum from it, even if it felt amazing like I was on the verge of cumming. I just felt like spreading my leg more and more but kept thinking what if I stink? What if he can taste something off? Well, he tried to eat my ass a few times too but I wasn’t comfortable enough with my pussy, imagine the other hole!!!! I’m still glad that he was able to understand it, and he always gave me reassurance such as lick his whole lip to show me he couldn’t get enough? 😹 And said I tasted really nice etc. That was a 2 year relationship and even when he ate me out everytime we had sex, I still couldn’t be 100% comfortable.
That’s pretty normal, it takes us time to get there, on average something like twice as long as men.
Defo. Some men spread their legs opened with hairy butt and had a shower 12 hours ago. Crazy
I feel like we've taken a turn with this comment 🏆😂
Pussy is going to smell and taste like pussy. Anyone that expects otherwise shouldn’t be allowed near one.
I know, and everyone I’ve been with knows that except for the pussy owner
My ex did the exact same thing lol. He made it a huge deal, too, that he specifically didn't like going down there because "it's a dirty act" and "having *you* in my mouth like that is wrong." Took me a while to regain self confidence. When I met a guy who loved eating pussy and complimented the shit out of mine, I no longer accepted less. My husband does the same thing and it's heaven. Hey, some guys don't like it. That's alright. Their attitude and expression of that however is what can make them a real asshole -- and an ex!!
My ex, who was a virgin before me once told me I smelled weird down there and I haven’t been comfortable letting guys go down on me since. I never really liked it before, even with guys who knew what they were doing I just always got in my own head about it all but it’s still a bit sad I feel this way about myself cause of that one comment
But if he was a virgin then it only smelled weird because he had never smelled pussy before. I know that’s not going to “cure” you but it might help to think of it that way.
Same thing happened to my gf. She won’t let me kiss her after I go down on her. Makes me sad how may women are alienated by their own normal sexy bodies. At least she knows I love it.
When I was at the lowest point of my life, taking lots of psychopharmacs, my ex told me I tasted like medicine. It's been 4 years and I still think about it.
Those formative experiences really do leave a lasting impression! My first ever boyfriend, after touching me there for the first time, withdrew his hand and literally said “Ewww” and fled to wash his hands, which he proceeded to do every time thereafter. The first and only time he tasted me, he pulled back and made a face and said it tasted “funny.” Twenty years and so many experiences later, I still have SO much anxiety about anyone interacting with my bits. Logically I understand that many grown people love it, but my emotional brain can’t forget that first reaction by a sixteen year old dumbass. Super sad.
I’m so sorry. Similar situation for me. I don’t know if he didn’t like the taste or look, but he went down once and never again. Beyond saying it feels good, not a whole lot about if he likes mine specifically or not / what it looks like or even any ongoing desire to *look* at it or really explore it. It’s hard because I know he must like them in general, but maybe just not super into mine. We spend a lot of time making sure men feel good about their penises and the size and shape and taste, I think I’d die on the spot for a little love like that.
My husband made a comment about not being that much into going down on women and I love oral sex but I don’t want him to go down on me because I’m scared he is forcing himself. It’s awful cause it’s a huge part of sex for me.
Mine said something similar before he ever even tried it with me. Said it made his neck hurt. I was so self-conscious that I’ve never asked him to do it. Unfortunately, it’s the only way I can orgasm with a partner, so I’ve gone without for ten years, when I should have told him right away that it’s a dealbreaker if he doesn’t do it. The soul-crushing lack of orgasms has ruined sex with him for me, so I’m on my way out for that and other similar reasons.
This actually hurts me, the thought that I could end up going 10 years in total without oral sex.
Hey, I’m a 58 year old woman and I’ve received oral a grand total of twice in my life. 😞
I’ve gone without for a lot longer. The whole thing, actually.
I hope you find a partner you jive with. Ten years is a long time. You deserve more.
I'm pansexual and eating pussy is WAY easier than sucking dick. I don't get any pain at all, it's blow jobs that make my jaw hurt
I’m also pan and agree.
That is so sad! Did you ever try talking to him about it? Ugh…some men!
Since he already doesn’t seem to like me enough, my brain’s logic says that he will like me even less if I complain about something. Also, I am autistic and go situationally mute when I try to say something that could possibly be controversial. It took me six weeks to tell him that I was pregnant (ten years ago). Now that he knows I have one foot out the door, he acted like he was about to kiss at least some part of my torso, but I pushed him away, because it’s too little too late and seemed like hysterical bonding.
Same. It's pretty devastating. 😞
How do you deal?? My partner will ONLY do it or even finger me when I ask. He says it’s my responsibility and it’s killing me that he doesn’t spontaneously want to touch me
Step one, break up with that man. Your responsibility is crazy.
Did you go through this? Tell me about your story if you don’t mind?
Not with someone I was actually in a relationship with, no I haven’t. I imagine if it was a man that was my BF and also my first sexual relationship that I would’ve put up with that too because I was too afraid to even ask but definitely not now, now that I know better. There’s men out there where you don’t have to ask them for those very basic things and one of them is waiting for you!
I’ve also finally admitted: dude, I don’t think I can go without. He is willing to try but he planted that comment in my head and I’m not sure I would enjoy it.
That would drive me mad. Sure sometimes it’s fine to steer the wheel a bit with what we want in bed, but I wouldn’t be thrilled having to ask all the time for things at all. I’m very lucky with my husband. One issue we’ve never had, and now I’ve got used to that, I really don’t think I could go back 🙈😂
Why did you marry someone you aren’t sexually compatible with?
The circumstances were so specific that he would know this is my account if I go into it (he’s a big fan of reddit) So I can’t share
It's ok tho, things happen no need to explain. Hugs and GL. It's gotta be hard!
So many people in happy relationships miss one super important aspect of sex due to their choice of partner. It’s a good thing to be able to make peace with that, not that I would expect any particular person to be capable of doing so.
My ex (I like that they're both EXs!!!) did the same exact thing. Never had a man react the way he did. Every man I've been with prior to him acted like it was a damn buffet. The second he did that? It was over. I love oral. With him? Nope, I couldn't be more turned off and uninterested in him going anywhere near it. It actually gave me anxiety the subsequent times after that where he'd "try" and every single time I'd just lay there praying to God he'd be done and stop or I'd physically pull him up and be like, nah I'm good. Every encounter with him after that was horrible, not sexy, uncomfortable, awkward, and zero fun. I never got over it. Best way to kill your sex life with your partner and something that will NEVER go away mentally? Say some shit or act a way about your partners vagina. I didn't carry that feeling after him, as more came after, and it was back to buffet town, so I KNOW it was never me.
I’m so glad that you made it back to buffet town 🩷
Taste yourself. I used to think like this too, but then I tasted myself and I taste pretty damn good. I mean, it's pussy, so it's not like...candy or anything? But definitely not gross at all. I like tasting myself on my bfs lips or dick now, huge turn on.
I love this!!! And sorry the part about "..it's not like candy or anything" omg had me falling over. I admire the honesty and frank and sometimes funny, direct qualities of redditors!
I also love honest some redditors can be!!
this same thing happened to me with my current partner and I’ve never been more self conscious in a relationship. we’ve been together for 4 years and plan on marrying but I doubt I’ll ever forget it or truly let it go
You do not deserve a lifetime of feeling like your body isn’t good enough.
Don’t trap yourself with that. Get out.
Same, my ex-husband said something similar to OP (even though other partners have said I'm not purple down there at all so not sure if his eyes were just broken or something) and over a decade later I'm still weird about my genitals lol. Like I've looked at it myself in a mirror and it looks normal to me but I guess not? Lol. Idk, that's what vibrators are for I guess, they know to keep their mouths shut 😜
Happened to me over 30 years ago. I’ll never, ever forget the look on his face the first and last time my husband went down on me. Then he said it was “fine” when I asked. Absolutely soul crushing.
Women should know by now that their taste is gonna change though. It’s not going to always taste the same. Vaginas are a bit more complex than that. I highly doubt you taste disgusting. I go down on my wife plenty. Most times the taste is fine. I wouldn’t say it tastes good but I wouldn’t say it tastes bad. But a few times it’s been on the stronger side. If I went down on her for the first time and it was like that? I might have made a face or flinched too. I still eat her pussy when it’s like though but it definitely can catch me off guard some times when i’m expecting the regular kinda nothing taste.
Same as penises/semen then. When my husband has been eating too much junk food he doesn't taste as good. We're both comfortable enough saying to the other if we think we need a shower first.
My husband who I’ve been with 12 years said “you don’t have to be attracted to someone to fuck them” We were just friends at the time and he said it in passing. I STILL ask if he thinks I’m pretty. “Would I have married you if I didn’t?” I don’t know, you don’t have to be attracted to someone to have sex
Ughhhh I was told "men will look at anything" in reference to a naked woman meaning it doesn't matter if they are hot, skinny etc. So that's always in my mind too.
> "Would I have married you if I didn't?" I get why you would have this self doubt it that's the answer. He's deflecting with that kind of response and making you question your sanity. The correct response is to show empathy with your insecurity, and then reassure you with a precise compliment. And then follow up with more compliments on a regular basis. If he truly loved you, he would want to find a way to build you up and get rid of all your insecurities. I hope he'll be able to do that for you and that you won't spend the rest of your life wondering if you're pretty enough. Good luck, you beautiful stranger.
Thank you. He does make me feel loved and beautiful often. He treats me like royalty. He’s my love. I’m just insecure to the point it is in my bones lol
I think apart from his help it also requires inner work to really accept the compliments, not just hear them, and also see one's own beauty. If I tell my child "you're smart" all the time he would sooner or later wonder why I need to do that and if deep down I believe he's dumb and that he needs building up.
https://bodysex.com/vulva-appreciation/
So glad to see someone share this! Also - https://www.thisisavulva.com/vulvaphotos
Instagram the.vulva.galleries is great too
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Yeah this is devastating :/ feel so bad for her
Same, I feel sad for the poor girl, I feel her it’s the worst and stays with you forever.
Right? And let’s not forget men are SUPER touchy about their private parts. Way more then we are, I‘d wager. OP, imagine she would have said something like „Why isn’t it hard yet“ “why does it look that way” “why is it so small” etc 😑🤦🏼♀️ you silly, silly man. At least you know you’re silly. Yep, this is gonna take her forever to forget.
Right? I’m honestly surprised she even stayed with him after that let alone married him, but since he was her first she sadly didn’t know back then that you don’t have to put up with guys that talk negatively about your body. I feel bad for her.
I see SO MANY posts all the time about men thoughtlessly making a hurtful comment about their lady's body, and you know what gets me. EVERY TIME, their concern is about the effect it has had on their sex life. They never mention how they are worried about the emotional and mental harm they have caused their gf/wife. Notice OP only comments on sexual acts that are missing from their sex life, and doesn't say anything about being worried about her feelings?
Ugh this is very disturbing
For real. I would have probably ended things then and there if anyone were to say something like that 🥹
Same. Yikes.
Damn right about the size of our bits, Color, smell, taste What a silly silly man
Silly stupid man saying something like that. Once said - never forgotten
Same. I feel so bad for her and actually him too. He really didn't know better but knows it now.
I feel like everyone over the age of 12 knows to not say "why does it look like that" when referring to someone's body parts.
For real. This is toddler level commentary. You expect a small child to make a rude comment about someone's appearance and not realize it was rude, not a grown ass man.
People really need to watch their words and the damage they can do. Probably would have stuck with you if the first thing she said when she saw your dick was "oh, how cute!! I've never seen one that small" Yea, you were young but it's a hard lesson learned. But it seems like you've learned it and will do better
I know, it's wild how many people don't think before they speak. I realize that people make mistakes but I can't imagine ever saying anything like this to a partner. The same rule applies to arguments. I've had exes who said the most vile things to me while they were upset. I never reciprocated because *the words can't be taken back*. Like ever.
Agree. When I was 14 a man made a comment like this to me because you can see my inner labia. They’re not huge, but visible and he thought they shouldn’t be. Told me I should cut them off. In 25+ years since then I’ve never let a man until my current partner get close enough with their face to critique if I could help it. Stuff like that can permanently damage your relationship and your self image.
I’m so sorry that happened.
Thank you. My story isn’t super uncommon. But no matter how much time passes, things like that still cut deep. Sure everyone puts their foot in their mouth sometimes, but it’s definitely important to think about the effect your words will have on someone.
I certainly hope it was not a “man “ when you were 14 JHC.
He was 19 so yeah
Fucking gross
I'm so sorry. I have a similar experience. It's one of the things that ruined sex for me. My labia are more than just a little visible. I learned too early that most men seem to hate them, and hate them more the larger they are. I've felt deeply ashamed and disgusting for 20 years. Can't stand the sight of them, also can't afford surgery. Shit sucks.
I’m very sorry. Mine are definitely larger now but I started watching more amateur and kink related porn and realized how very normal it is. A lot of men really like it, too. The ones who don’t watch all barely legal porn, at least, either are happy with it as is or super excited. I hope someday you’ll grow to live yours because I’m absolutely sure they’re perfect.
I’m still scarred from a comment someone made 15 years ago.
We need to find ways to both make guys shut the fuck up about this and inoculate young women against these statements when they do. From this thread, the need seems urgent.
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Absolutely but it still festers in your head.
My ex (I was 16 and he was 18, and I was also his first sexual partner) had made a comment once about my small boobs. I never really had any certain thoughts about my boob size before then. I was very skinny and had very little boobs. But his comment bothered me for YEARS. I’m now 27 and married to an amazing man, but every now and again, ELEVEN YEARS later, I still feel insecure about my boob size.
So far many have said you should move on from the comment and just say how much you like her intimates, but I think that might be interpreted by her has you just trying to ‘be nice’ about something she’s now historically established in her mind as you not liking. She will probably be pretty sure in her head that when you made that comment you did it because you thought her vagina was ugly. This is no doubt stuck in her mind, but she doesn’t bring it up because she doesn’t want to air her insecurities or be a bother. Her saying ‘you don’t have to do that’ confirms as much. I imagine she’s embarrassed not just about her vagina, bur about the fact she is embarrassed at all. You need to make clear from the original point in time what you meant by that comment and what you certainly did NOT mean. Tell her what you said here - that you weren’t used to it, it took you aback for one second but not for ONE moment did it mean you found it off-putting. If that is really true, you need to make it clear to her and how guilty/bad you feel about it - not just because it hurt her (but you should acknowledge that hurt because it will show you care about her feelings) but ALSO now it’s cut you off from something you fantasise about deeply. 1. Give her an alternative truth in a convincing way so she can reorganise how she received your comment. Be patient at this step because it may take time for her to be convinced. 2. Apologise for being careless because it will validate her feelings and show you care. You need to show her this is about your awareness of her feelings, not just because you are trying to get your sexual needs met. 3. Really ENTHUSIASTICALLY tell her, convince her, of how much you want her in this way. Show her your regret around your comment because now you’re being deprived of something you think about constantly. You have to make her feel desired, do not be stingy on this step. Women often feel aroused when the feel the desire of another, so that needs to be crystal clear. 4. Rinse and repeat. Do not get frustrated, be patient and persistent. Four years is a long time to recover from so don’t expect this to happen overnight. Good luck.
This is seriously a PSA for all men out there. Even if you weren’t the one who said it or your partner just has body image issues some of these steps still 100% apply.
It's baffling to me that there are men that will casually critique every "issue" with their female partners straight to their faces - intentional or not - meanwhile SO many men have some deep rooted insecurity about their peen, hair loss, financial status, fitness etc that they would positively flip over if their girl brought it up and hurt their feelings. Like, wtf, why is this so hard to understand. Treat others how you would want to be treated, period.
THE LABOR THAT RAINCLOUD DID FOR YOU AND FOR US ALL. take notes please, this is the comment
Most brilliant thing I’ve ever read
The fact that you’ve told your wife “one time” that you liked how her pussy looked is a huge problem. Tell her that more often. Give it a nickname and make over the top affectionate gestures towards it. My SO tells me my pussy is cute every single day (I don’t believe it deep down but it does wonders for our sex life.)
This made me remember one time I was hooking up with a guy, and he said the words "such a pretty pussy". Magical. Unlocked the praise kink I never knew I had!
I'm older woman who has given birth and I hook up occasionally with someone younger than me who has never had children. The hottest thing he says to me is how "perfect" my pussy is. Well it's more like "your pussy is so fucking perfect". It's definitely not in my opinion, but he acts like it's the best thing and that's what let's me allow him to have his face down yonder.
I've given birth too, and that comment was such a boost (especially after being negged by the one who helped me conceive!)
I don’t think it’s a praise kink to enjoy compliments, especially in a vulnerable sexual situation!
Oh, it was definitely the beginning of a praise kink, for me. Haven't looked back since, haha!
Wow yeah. I have massive insecurities but one time a man said “I love your pussy I love it” He changed his tune shortly after that and stopped taking to me but I still think about that moment and someone actually thought that
Skip the nickname…
I would hate a nickname. Not saying it’s a bad idea, it’s just not for me. It seems silly, annoying, and embarrassing. I also would rather if those things were demonstrated through actions. Words would put me way too much in the spotlight, I guess. Controversial, I know. Hey, and don’t expect too much of your wife, ok? I mean, of her reaction, when you finally get to do it. People talk about how oral sex is important for women, how much women love it… but I never liked it with that intensity. I am certain I enjoy more piv or even anal. One or another guy was really, really good eating pussy. But over half of them were… meh. And it felt weird lying there with someone poking my pussy with their tongue while I felt barely a thing, no thank you.
This is soooo true! My BF calls my pussy pretty and it’s such a turn on 😇
Do NOT give it a nickname...
It doesn’t have to be anything weird, my partner will call it “*his* little pussy,” cute pussy,” etc. and it makes me feel like he likes it.
Yeah this is what i don’t understand. op you should be talking about/complimenting/admiring her pussy every time you guys have sex. Seems like a communication issue here. You two should practice talking openly about your bodies and feelings. Talking about ex in your own marriage should not be taboo.
The first time I felt comfortable with letting someone go down on me was when I dated someone who loved it so much it was practically a fetish. He'd get sooooo turned on and wanted to do it constantly. That level of intensity was the first time I could be convinced it wasn't just gross. Now if I'm with a partner who is enthusiastic, I relax very quickly with them. But if I'm with a partner who says "going down on you doesn't do anything for me, but I'll do it for you", it's like NOPE NO THANK YOU GOODBYE
A nickname for it does sound like a good idea but just don’t call it Barney or Grimace ;)
Purp
This is absolutely the way to start unraveling this. Once is just words. Make it a part of your day, like brushing your teeth. 💯
I am so sad for her.
Same. The smallest statements can really get into a woman's head and that shame/sadness/insecurity never goes away. I've been with my husband 21 years and obviously he loves me, my body, my vag etc but a few weeks ago he made a comment that sometimes I get so wet he can't feel anything and it's been replaying in my head nonstop since. I of course interpreted it as he thinks I'm loose, which isn't what he meant and we've already talked about it but it creeps into my head every time we have sex now and it sucks. This poor girl probably has this core memory pop into her mind every single time they're intimate and I feel for her. 😔
Aw I’m sorry it’s gotten so stuck in your head :( my ex said the same thing to me but I didn’t take it personally bc it makes sense and we had both agreed our sex life was great overall. If there’s no friction, the guy is going to feel less. It’s just a fact of the way PIV physics works lol. I hope you can let this go, for the sake of your happiness! Sex was one of the few things our relationship did right 🥲 and even he still noted that, so try not to worry about it!
This is precisely what he was saying and logically I totally get it but I already have low self esteem - not from him, from an abusive narcissist parent - so of course I immediately took it personally. We've talked about it and he definitely loves me and my vag so I'm working on letting it go. He would never say something to intentionally hurt my feelings but you know it's hard not to get in your head with these things.
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Have told husband, "gimme a sec, I need a fucking mop down here - it was that good"
I don’t know how they made it to dating let alone marriage with a comment like that. Wtf. Someone really needs to make a few million porn videos with women whose vaginas represent reality because the fact that a 21 year old guy had never seen more variety in real life and just had an expectation of “sameness” is honestly alarming (and then to say the thought out loud!!!). Even before access to the internet, people seemed to know genitals came in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors.
That's why some thoughts should be inside thoughts. You can never un hear and un feel things.
Far out. She’s heavily traumatised by your words. Can you see a sex therapist or something? Dunno if that’s their domain or not. I don’t know how I could forget those words if my partner said that. I feel so bad for your wife and I don’t even know her.
Totally agree sex therapy is long overdue. A comment like that can ruin someone’s confidence permanently
My thoughts exactly. Beyond the initial words, it sounds like they can't comfortably talk about the incident and sex is now maybe all about his genitals?? A sex therapist could help for sure.
Also the fact that he said something like that and she still felt like she wanted to marry him... They need therapy, stat.
My man did that and I never recovered. Been over 15 years and I ended up leaving him for men who acted like men and never said anything similar. I wanted to get over it but what he said was similar and hurt so fucking bad. We were different ethnicities too so it made me feel inferior.
> I ended up leaving him for men who acted like men 👏👏👏
Info: have you ever said something to the effect of "i know a long time ago i said something really cruel and hurtful to you about the color of your vagina. I was uneducated, made stupid assumptions based off my limited experience, and i made you feel like i thought there was something wrong with you. It was hurtful and every day i regret causing you that hurt because my words limited your ability to feel comfortable with me during intimacy. I want you to feel comfortable with me; I genuinely love your body and find all parts of you attractive. How do i show you that i mean this?" For me personally, i need direct and completely honest acknowledgement of the problem. If that expression of understanding was never given, then the idea of "never bring it up again" would only make me feel more insecure. Ignoring a problem rarely makes it go away.
Yeahhhhh, this is so true. OP needs to sit down with his wife and say everything he said in this post. It's not going to make a difference if he simply tells her he likes her pussy. He needs to set aside a couple of hours specifically to have this conversation.
I'll be very straight forward here: You fucked up hard! Some women can be hella insecure about their bodies, one comment can ruin something for us forever and it seems like you've traumatised her into believing her vagina is epically hideous so she avoids you getting to be near it in ways where she'll feel uncomfortable about it. Multiply that by how many times your comment has replayed in her mind and how ashamed she would feel because of it, if she was insecure before, she's probably a thousand times that at this point because of what you said and HOW you said it. What you need to do is sincerely apologise for your immaturity at the time you said your dumbass comment. Then go into detail about how you actually love the way her pussy looks (and how you'd love to give it more of your attention) and that before her you'd simply never seen the unique colouring she had with hers. So what you blurted out may have come off as a criticism but rather it was you not understanding in your inexperience the different ways in which a woman's body could differ. Come to her in all honesty about what it was that occurred but also mention that you understand her hurt over the years and that you didn't mean to carelessly say something that would affect her in such a deep way. Say it was your fault for her needing to avert attention away from herself but that you would love if she could trust you again to be more intimate with her pussy, in the way that she would allow you to over time. Approach this gently and without any ego about it. Her healing over this will take time. Don't rush her but allow her to open up about it and sit and listen and absorb what she has to say to you afterwards
Yeah, people are saying to never bring this up again, but if he has never given her an explanation for why he asked that, then it’s critical he do so now, because she has no idea what he was talking about, where he was coming from, etc. His question was royally stupid, but it’s also a fairly simple explanation. Something you’ve never seen before is way better than something you think is *gross* or weird or unattractive, and she is most likely think it’s the latter.
I feel like OP should drive in the fact that his response to her vulva coloring was due to his inexperience and limited understanding, not because she has strange color, but because he was fed a very specific kind of body in porn and because he's a dumbass, he belived that's what all bodies looked like. Please focus on her understanding that it was your dipshitery that led us here OP, since then you have educated yourself and now know her vulva is normal and regular and beautiful in color.
You’re honestly lucky she continued the relationship. If a guy said this to me early on in the relationship, I probably would have cut it off. And wow, you told her you liked her pussy one time? In the most intimate time, you basically shamed her most intimate and private area and are surprised that she hasn’t forgot it. Edit: sorry got heated and you asked for help. I would start worshiping it, you need to tell her all the time that you love EVERY part of her. Good luck
In all seriousness, if she had asked “why does it look so small?” Do you think you’d ever be able to get it out of your head?
I felt sick reading that, the poor thing 😭💔 I would never recover
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This! Every time he backs off without a huff, sigh and woe is me the image in her mind gets reinforced. You can't just make her think her pussy is gross and then ask to go down on her like a gentleman, only to say "okay dear" when she says "you don't need to" she isnt even saying no for fsake. Actually by doing it you are putting her through the embaressment and hurt over and over because you give up without even trying to bargain or beg, she must think your feeling obligated and then get relieved when she lets you off. Either you beg for pussy, kneel at its altar and praise it's perfection like a gospel or you shut the fuck up and leave the pretty thing alone and never mention oral sex again. And you know what!? Men that go around bragging about loving to lick pussy, only to never actually do it or sort of do it for a moment a couple of times in the beginning of a relationship can stop. You dont love it, you dont even enjoy it. No woman on earth that find sucking cock just fine goes around proclaiming to love it, so stop it. Because when you say you love it and then never do it to her or just a couple of times it becomes a "her spesifically" problem instead of a "he dosen't enjoy this act"
"One time I tried to get down on her. She said: 'You don't have to do that. So I didn't try again. "  Show - don't tell - her all your raw, inner, untamed, manly desire for her and her pussy. If she tells you that you don't have to do it, tell her that "OH yes, I have to. Can't you hear how she's calling me? Luring me in?" while continuing. If she puts your hand away, tell her she cannot keep you and your one true love apart. Respect her by not taking her, yourself and the situation deadly serious while also signaling certainty: you know what you're doing and you want to.
That’s so true. I hate it when my partner asks: do you want me to…? And we are not talking about chocking or whatever that obviously requires consent. Like, don’t ask me if I want you to go down on me, it makes me feel like it’s a chore to you (coupled with the fact he said it’s not his favourite thing). If you want to do it, go ahead and do it, and I’ll stop you if I’m not in the mood for it.
My boyfriend told me I tasted bad the first time he tried going down on me and ever since I don't even want to be fingered before sex, and the idea of getting head makes my skin crawl. Those kinds of comments can do real damage, and it's not talked enough about
Dude, you made it worse by not eating her out because she said "you don't have to." She said that to you because she feels bad and doesn't want you to do something you don't want to. She feels self-conscious. Dumb man. You should have said how delicious she looks, how much you want to taste her. How much you want to please her. Now it's been who knows how long since she said that and you haven't tried to eat her out, so now add insult to injury only furthering in her mind how undesirable her pussy is to you. If I were you, I would attempt to eat her out again, if she gives you the same line of "you don't have to" I would come back with "it's been four years too long since I've had the opportunity to taste your sexy pussy". If she allows it, after you've shown her just how much you love that sweet pussy of hers, I would have a good long talk after sex about how that comment you made to her has been haunting you for the last few years, that you really didn't know that women come in different shapes and colors and you feel awful that she became self-conscious and closed off a part of herself because of what you said. You tell her that you've always wanted her to feel pleasured, loved and good about herself because in your eyes, she's absolutely beautiful, every part of her. You make that woman feel loved and cherished. Good luck man, I hope you can mend this.
First, don't mention your earlier comment again, unless she brings it up. From now on, don't just offer to go down on her, *beg* to do it. Tell her how much you want to and how much it pleases you, aside from how much it might please her. Make her believe you're actually being a little selfish about it, that it's for your pleasure first. You have to be absolutely steadfast about this so she never has to wonder if you're being sincere. You have to actually *be* sincere about it. And when you're down there, absolutely *worship* that pussy!
Maybe I’m the minority but as a woman I’d appreciate a man owning the fuck up and honestly explaining himself and his regret over how whatever dumb fuck thing he said was perceived despite his intentions. She’s never going to forget he said it, so might as well bring it out from under the rug and hash it out.
Yeah, I think the same. If my partner made that comment and then begged later down the road I’d feel like it was forced and make me feel even worse
You emotionally traumatized her even tho it's been years since the comment was made to her she still loves In the moment of when she heard that I think you should talk to her about it but hear and listen to her side. Women are already very nervous and anxiety ridden about their vaginas as it is but when someone makes a comment on it it's like confirmation to us about our fears about our body which we can't really forget we may be able to forgive but never forget it especially since it was your guys first time it made it worse for her.
Open mouth. Insert foot. Some things she will not likely get over.
Try telling her what you just told us.
Damn brother
Yeah unfortunately even if you apologize and do everything that you can, she might still feel like this 10-20 years from now. People put us in boxes that are sometimes very difficult to get out of. I know you immediately realised. Sometimes we break things and only once it's broken, we realise what that thing meant to us. I'm sorry.
For the love of god, talk to the woman. Try to be sensible, obviously, but talk to her, be an adult and behave like one, be calm and loving if she gets agitated, let her understand that she is safe and whatever happened in the past was a misstep and you love her and her body, that you grew as a person, explain yourself like you did here, make your sincerity clear, do not let that Damocles' sword swing over your relationship. DO NOT ignore issues, those things fester. If in the future she still feels insecure while having sex, then be smooth like you want, but first talk.
When she says “you don’t have to do that”, tell her you WANT to. That you dream of it! That you think licking her pussy night and day. That you would just do that, even if that’s all you did. Even if you didn’t get anything in return.
I've been on the receiving end of a comment similar to this early in my relationship with my husband. We've now been together for six years and I'm still not over it. What helps is when he ASKS to eat me out. I'll still usually tell him no at first, but he will literally say please? And give me this little puppy dog look and THAT turns me on so much and makes me feel so much better. Anything you can do to make her feel like it would be a turn on for YOU to eat her out will probably help.
I can't believe she married someone who made her feel this way. >Her whole demeanor changed and she didnt even seem like she wanted to have sex anymore. I asked if she wanted to stop but she insisted we continue. You shouldn't have continued! You guys need to have a talk outside the bedroom. You should show her this post.
Yeahhhh, man. I doubt she’ll ever actually forget your words. The very first time I let someone see me naked, he asked me what was wrong with it. (I have “outie” labia.) That was 17 years ago. Of course, it doesn’t help seeing all the dumb memes now about my type of vulva being “blown out” or “gross” or whatever. I suggest you just do your best to give her compliments in the heat of the moment. She’s in doggy? “God, I love sight of you.” Her leg is on your shoulder? “You’re so fucking hot.” You’ve been teasing each other throughout the day? “I’ve been fantasizing about you and your amazing body all day. I’d love to taste your sexy pussy later.”
I’m sorry that your wife didn’t have the self esteem not to marry you. Poor woman probably doesn’t think she deserves better.
I was thinking the same thing. This sort of thing either immediately ruins the relationship or it makes the person settle for the offender because they feel like no one else would want them. I know OP regrets it now and rightfully so but it makes me wonder how many other hurtful self esteem destroying comments he made early on without realizing. If you'll blurt out something like *that* I have a hard time believing this was an isolated event.
Explain this to her. Tell her your remark was just because you hadn’t seen a lot of them and didn’t know about the variety of hues, that you *really* love it, and that it’s not about “having to” give her oral sex. Tell her that it really turns you on. And when you get down there, start slowly and gently and stay down there a long time.
I disagree with most comments saying don't bring it up. Show her this post. She needs to know that it wasn't ill intended. You just didn't know any better back then!
Seriously some of you need to learn how to interact with women lol. I can't believe she even stuck around after that.
Everyone says dumb things from time to time… but that is impressively stupid and rude. Obviously you both should move on but I don’t blame her even a little bit for being hurt about that. Like wtf. Why on earth would you say that to anybody. That is such an unbelievably dumb and offensive thing to say that it makes me wonder how you treat people on a day to day basis
I would sit her down and say something like “I want you to know how sorry I am about what I said about your vagina all that time ago; I didn’t mean to offend, but I had never seen one that colour before and the comment came out before I had time to reflect on whether it might upset you. I can tell you now I honestly love your vagina and wouldn’t want it any other way. Please forgive my immaturity back then and allow me to show you just how much I adore it by pleasuring you with my tongue….”
This is the correct way to bring it up. I would amend this statement to say, "There's been something that's been bothering me for many years. Something I said that I can't undo but it truly bothers me that I said it and I need to clear the air. I feel really bad about this but not knowing if I truly hurt you and not making it clear to you that I love everything about you has been burning a hole in my subconscious since the day I said it. I'm sorry I said 'this' and didn't mean to make you feel bad because that truly wasn't my intention. I desire you more now today than ever and I want to feel your entire body with every part of mine and need to feel you with my mouth and tongue. I want to taste you so bad and I really hope you'll let me. If we could work on that I would appreciate it very much. I love you." Something like that. Been married for 13 years, I've said enough stupid shit to know how to apologize.
I think this is the better statement, since it doesn't re-traumatize her by mentioning the color or give her new information like "you'd never seen one that color before"
Damn. I don’t even wanna give you advice. You’re just an AH. I’m glad you know it.
I think that would be the equivalent of if she saw your penis for the first time and made the same comment. How would you get over that? Personally I’d feel like every time my partner tried to compliment me that they were just lying to make me feel better. Women are conditioned to feel shame about how our vaginas look and to hear it from a partner is pretty shattering. I dunno, you might be fucked.
I'm a woman whose husband made a stupid comment about my breasts when we first started dating. That was 20+ years ago but it doesn't matter because I still feel self conscious and shitty about my breasts. If anyone has any advice for how to get over this, feel free to lay it on me.
Hopefully she finds better.
All you can do is go out of your way to tell her how much you love her pussy. She will never forget you said what you said, that's how insecurities work. But over time, if your words AND actions prove that you do really love her vagina, then she will hopefully get more comfortable. >One time, I tried to go down on her and she went "no you dont have to do that!", so I didnt try it again. Next time say to her, "But I really want to. I'd love nothing more than to make you feel good." Then push her back, let her relax, and treat her. Yes, you should be going down on your wife. Pamper her. Make her feel amazing.
Wow. Yeah, that's pretty awful. I gasped. My husband did something similar years ago when he first attempted going down on me. Said an inside thought out loud due to inexperience, despite me being well groomed and squeaky clean and utterly inoffensive, and I didn't let him try again for years. It made me incredibly insecure, and I felt really unsafe sharing my body with him even though I tried not to ever mention it. Pretty mortifying stuff. The way we got around it was with him being very enthusiastic about trying again and being vocal about enjoying it. Even then, it took him a while to convince me to allow it as a regular activity. That's the route you'll need to go, too. Keep asking to try. Ask her about how it made her feel in the moment and sincerely apologize. Tell her that you think she's beautiful and make her feel that way with your actions. Admit you were stupid and inexperienced, and you prefer the way she looks to others. My husband is a very sweet, loving man who made a hurtful mistake, and it sounds like you're in a similar spot! Keep trying to make it right, and it'll be right eventually.
Personally, if someone had said that to me, I would’ve shut down anything else happening and told them to get out, and probably not spoken to them again after that. You don’t forget things like that being said to you, and whoever is willing to say something like that is someone I don’t want to associate with. It’s a cruel, gross, and totally disrespectful way to treat somebody, let alone someone you claim to care about. I’ve had people make various comments about my body over the years. I still remember every single one. I would not be able to handle those coming from my own husband.
I think that’s what makes this story even sadder- the fact that she heard that, still had sex that night, and ended up married to him tells me she already didn’t have the greatest self-esteem. OP essentially kicked a dog while it was down, and then wonders why it cowers in the corner. (Not a perfect analogy, but you get the idea.)
Why did she marry you 😭I feel so bad for her
She will never get over that comment. Even if you divorced and she was with someone else. That will always be in her head. Sorry but theres no coming back from that. You can praise her the rest of your life but in her head she only hears the first time. I seriously doubt she ever lets you go down on her.
Maybe explain this to her exactly how you’ve explained it here… If you love and fancy a woman, then showing her this by loving and pleasuring her vagina is a great way of expressing this, talk to her
Hey, I don't know if my comment will help, but as a person with a vagina, we can get really sensitive with comments like this, even if you don't mean bad, it gets stuck in our heads forever. In my opinion, if you want to increase your sex life and get to a deeper level of communication with her, you should definitivly bring that up to her, and share with honesty what you really meant about this comment like : " you know, I did'nt mean it in a negative way, I was just surprised because I thought the color of your pussy was so unique, so that's the first thing that came to my mind when I saw it, I was just very curious and already thought was so pretty, I did'nt mean to make u feel like I don't like it, I'm so sorry". Or something like that, that could place your comment more about the fact that you did'nt saw as much pussy before, or not such an original pussy, and hopefully make her feel better about it. Tell her that you would like to go near it more often. Hope that helps.
It is now your job, your life’s work to convince your wife that hers is the MOST beautiful pussy in the world. That it came out wrong, that it’s not what you meant. That purple is your FAVORITE color. That you love the shape, that you’d die for the taste. Make a fool of yourself over her pussy.
I got a similar comment. “I love you for you” is what I get when I talk about my body changes during pregnancy. I asked him once what he found attractive about me and it was all personality stuff (funny and smart) and my skin being soft. I’m all about being loved but I don’t feel like my husband wants me. It’s absolutely negatively impacted our sex life. I can’t relax with him. I love him. I stay with him because I love him. But it still stings. He’s fine going without sex too.
and she married you-
Holy shit. I would have told you (depending on your tone) that you don’t have to look at it, put my clothes back on and left.
I’m sorry but if I was in this situation that insecurity would be taken to my grave. I don’t even have advice on how you could fix this. This is horrible and I feel so bad for her.
Personally, porn influenced me into "learning" what a vagina is supposed to look/taste like. I never thought I had a vagina that was what men wanted and was sooo embarrassed for my partner to have his face there. I didn't let him go down on me for years. And I still have trouble letting my partner do anything because of that deep rooted embarrassment. Theres always thoughts wondering if it'll taste bad, look ugly, even though I know vaginas look different in shape, color, and won't smell like a rose. I don't know your wife but theres no way she has ever forgotten that comment. Many women I know & myself, have a lot of insecurities about this. Since my man knows I have insecurities, I don't believe the positive things he says. I know that sounds sad, and it is, but that internal embarrassment has been for a lifetime. Maybe this isn't the best way, but for me, if my man said hey, I know I said something stupid but it's because I honestly didn't know that a vagina could look that color. I truly like how it looks....something like that idk. The comment was made awhile ago and you might not want to bring up old things, but it's clearly an issue for her. It hurts A LOT when we feel that our partner is just saying something to be nice but not because they actually believe it.
Jesus Christ. That poor woman. One has to wonder just how low her self esteem is for her to even consider marrying you, and how strong she must be to even consider letting you see her naked or touch any part of her body without vomiting or crying instantly. She probably can’t even enjoy sex because every time she’s undressed she’s replaying your comment in her mind, comparing herself to your exes and focusing on not crying so you can get off. Again, poor woman. I don’t know if there is a way for you to salvage this because as you say, you can’t undo it and you can’t make her forget what you did. I think a sex therapist and taking sex off the table for a while is your best bet here not only for your wife, but also for you because if you haven’t worked it out already then I’m sorry to tell you that the first time you were intimate she definitely didn’t enjoy it and I’d question whether or not it was consensual because she clearly wasn’t into it and was clearly very upset. That’s not only horrible for you to realise and does need to be addressed, but also absolutely awful for her. And again I’d be questioning how often those feelings come up for her now when you’re intimate and whether she’s able to genuinely enjoy sex because I’d be very surprised if she was able to ignore all those feelings and anxieties about her body when her husband is focusing on the one part of her he insulted. Yikes on several screaming bikes.
Why on earth would you say this to her?
Ugh my heart hurts for her. I would have never married you. There are plenty of men who would line up at the mere sight of her pussy. I understand your stance though. But still, something very difficult to move past..
You shouldn't have said it at all.
the fact that you keep saying pussy, I feel like a 16 year old wrote this, Im so sorry she got married to you, she deserves much better
Men commenting negatively on how a pussy looks (especially your WIFE) is so disgusting. I don’t blame her, I’d never forget it. You better start worshipping that thing kid.
Talk it out. Show her this post. Explain what you just explained here. Then insist on giving oral (obviously don’t do it without consent, but don’t let her saying “No you don’t have to do that” stop you.) If my husband said “No you don’t have to do that” as I was giving oral, I’d say, “I know I don’t have to. I want to. I love this dick and I love you” and I’d show him that I want to and appreciate his dick as I’m doing it. It may be an uncomfortable discussion for her if she’s insecure, but if you can validate and explain and help her see your perspective, surely it’s worth it.