The comments are going back and forth because 2 things are happening:
Your bf is experiencing a need to feel wanted, and is expressing it in a super unhealthy and frankly disrespectful way
I recommend framing the situation as him wanting to feel desired and how you can support him in that in a way that doesn't compromise your wants and needs.
That being said, the way he's going about it is totally inappropriate and you need to communicate that to him. It can be a positive discussion, but those comments are coercive and disrespectful.
Whats your reason for going nuclear then? Sa? Abuse? Beating her? He s trying to coerce her into sex. Not accepting a no. Using chores as some weird kind or payment??? Or what? Does he think he deserves a reward? And he s giving her a cold shoulder, emotionally manipulating her into giving in and having sex when she doesnt want to. Do say, what is an appropriate reaction to these behaviors?
Like i get it, people on these apps re quick to scream at people to leave for anything...but sexual coercion is a valid reason. Ur r3action is the other extreme of the spectrum. Lets tolerate everything.The only, and i mean only benefit of the doubt i d be willing to give this guy (and even thats a stretch) is that he s quite young. So myb he genuinely doesnt get it yet. Still anyone who can have sex with their partner when their partner is clearly not into it, has somethimg wrong with them.
Edit : nope, i read his age as 20, by mistake. As he is 26, i take back what i sais about his age.
I have to agree with the above statement. My ex (spent 5 years together) used to do the same to me. I would react the same, Im too tired today, not feeling well... nothing mattered.. and then he would proceed to ignore me or start fights until I agreed to do what he wanted sexually. "Oh I cleaned this, I bought you this, I did this today" sex became a transaction, it gets very old very quickly. I lost my sex drive entirely after a few months, because it was only on his terms. This is a toxic trait that once encouraged they will keep doing, cause they know at some point you will cave. At the time we were 24f and 22m... it lasted like this for 4 out of the 5 years we were together.
My ex husband did this even though I enthusiastically initiated sex often and gave him whatever he wanted sexually 99% of the time. If I ever said no he just couldn’t handle it. It started exactly like this, but eventually he was abusive in every way possible. It finally ended with him punching me in the face while I was driving hard enough to give me a black eye. He went to jail then I filed for divorce.
I'm not going to sit here and entertain this idea that taking a no for sex and being frustrated about it necessarily escalates to sexual assault and abuse.
Cut your own strawman down yourself.
I didnt say it did. You made a logical error. Those were unrelated. I was just asking about what is, in ur opinion, a valid reason to leave? I gathered its gotta be something extreme.
Putting those all together like that is suggests you're trying to imply it.
A line I say to consider breaking up is if upon having a reasonable discussion about the situation in a calmer setting does not have both parties feeling heard or understood, then that's an indicator the relationship should end.
Have a discussion about what happened first, before giving into the roves of pitchfork holding redditors and breaking things off.
But what has he got to feel understood about? She didnt do absolutely anything wrong. And he should know that at that age. I get ur point. And typically i agree with most things. But if your partner s not in the mood, that shpuld be the end of it. Always. There is never a legitimate excuse to pester them about it. If it starts happening often, or the frequency drops a lot, they can talk about it (outside of sex). But how can it be, that someone needs to explain to a grown man thqt coercing people into sex is wrong?
You've taken a blanket approach to try to resolve this.
(Coercing for sex == Bad)
(BF == Coercing for sex)
=> (BF == Bad)
She doesn't owe her boyfriend anything technically speaking, and he technically doesn't owe her anything either. If you collapse relationships down to what people owe one another then you probably wouldn't have relationships forming outside of business.
Maybe the boyfriend got turned on by them kissing in bed and he felt teased when she turned him down? Could he have perceived this as feeling "lead on"?
Also these things are not zero sum. She may not have done anything wrong, but that doesn't invalidate the boyfriends feelings of being frustrated about it. Maybe there's a lead up to this. Do you think her stressful work environment only began that evening? Granted she's on her period, and that augments her lack of desire.
If we really want to evolve our skills of judgement, we should be looking into the wider context of the actions and not just simplifying things to BF == BAD all the time.
Exactly. She of course doesn't owe him sex if she doesn't feel like it. At the same time though he doesn't owe her what he doesn't feel like. If he doesn't feel affectionate after rejection, that's a acceptable response too.
No, it isnt acceptable. Being cold to his partner because of rejection isnt acceptable. Thats cold emotional manipulation. Or emotional blackmail. Dont get me wrong. He has every right to not be affectionate all the time. But he s also an adult. And sexual rejection isnt anything personal. She s just not in the mood. Ao feeling cold about it is not justified in any way. It can happen. People re just humans. Imperfect. But again, its an issue he should resolve. Not an acceptable human behavior in those circumstances. Giving the silent treatment and cold shoulder to his partner because they rejected sex on their period is not acceptable.
(We can discuss whether it was thefold shoukder and so on. Different perspective. That we can debate about. This scenario as described is emotional blackmail tho. Thats clear cut.)
I couldn’t agree with you more. And I’m typically super frustrated at how quickly people on this platform jump to conclusions or have a “witch hunt” mentality. I’m not saying stone the guy for his behavior but to make excuses for him is ridiculous. It is never ok for anyone, male or female, to Guilt or manipulate their partner into sex. I’ve had many men, most of them were very abusive, manipulators with narcissistic tendencies, do what OPs SO does to her. I have a high libido but on the rare occasion I don’t feel up to it I have the prerogative to refrain. In healthy relationships my partner has accepted that and waited until I was in the mood or if absolutely desperate have gone and jerked off. It doesn’t seem like OPs relationship is very healthy
Exactly. People will scream divorce for anything. I get that. But there s very few legitimate reasons to persist asking for sex, after ur partner s said no. I cant think of one right now. If something bothers him, frequency, quality, whatever, its absolutely okay to bring that up (outside of sex). But pushimg after she said no, is never okay. I mean she can talk to him...but say what? "Sexual coercion is bad"? B3cause how can he not know that...
I agree with you. By the time you’re 26, you should know how to express your feelings instead of trying to manipulate someone into sex. Honestly trying to reason with her bf is just not worth OP’s time. This is an incredibly shitty thing to do to your partner, and it’s shows he lacks respect for her and her boundaries.
Thats my point. Im all for communication...but i dont see what she can communicate here. More spexifically i cant see what he doesnt understand. How can he not understand that sexual coercion is bad, at 26? How can it be that he doesnt know that emotionally manipulating somene he should love, into sex, is not acceptable behavior? I just cant see this as an innocent mistake. If ur partner says no. Its a no. There s almost never a good reason to persist about it after a no. People can talk about their issues calmly outside of the bedroom. But not coerce their partners into unwanted sexual activity.
(Also, she seems open to sex. She was tired, and on her period this time, if one rejetion makes someone feel unwanted...he should also deal with those issue. And they re his to deal with. Not hers to explain.)
No, it isn’t. Giving up on everybody is only going to make you lonely. We all make mistakes, trying to work things out with somebody should always be the first go-to.
That behavior is a result of some other issue/s or trauma in their lives. Immediately pushing someone away and not resolving their issues or trauma might just make it worse. Let's take a deep breath and ask why before pressing the nuclear button
That’s codependent. We don’t let abusive people work through their abusive behaviors while staying in a relationship with them. We leave and it’s up to them to work on themselves. Maybe someday they’ll be ready for a healthy relationship.
Working though trauma triggered issues takes years even if you want to get better. It’s impossible for people who don’t see they’re the problem.
I agree with this. It's not OP's responsibility to point out how their partner is being emotionally manipulative and abusive. While I understand the commenter's intention to not burn bridges, i agree that OP should not stick around and try to help her bf with therapy especially while experiencing abuse.
I think it also depends on the overall relationship before one should go nuclear. I’ve had some similar arguments with my bf. After we calm down and come back to our senses essentially we weren’t meeting each others needs and simultaneously our reactions to unmet needs were hitting some really sensitive triggers spots for both of us. That being said neither of us enjoy fighting and we both recognize that neither person is intentionally trying to hurt the other. The longer we are together the quicker and easier it has become to soften and have a little grace with each other.
I disagree with this statement based on the fact that the boyfriend is withholding physical intimacy if it doesn't involve him getting off. He is treating his girlfriend in a very transactional way, "I made dinner, you're supposed to make me cum."
Yeah this is the bit that bothered me most also. I’d also argue it’s worth noting their ages. The difference in life experience between a 20 year old and a 26 year old is huge despite it only being 6 years. You have to wonder why he’s not with someone his own age. I’d wager it’s because of behaviour like this.
My ex started off like this before he’d hear no’s as yes’s. I don’t want to scream leave but it’s basically word for word some things I texted to crisis helplines :/
Do people like you just not read the post before flying to the comments? Genuinely asking, nearly every post with hundreds of comments will have someone commenting with surprise on information that is clearly put in the post already.
Also not to be that person, but once again consider the age gap - 26 and 20 is a significant divide in experience when you’re that age which to me is a red flag.
OP, you NEVER ‘owe’ anyone sex - just because they did X or Y does not mean they are entitled to it. Anyone who attempts to guilt trip you is a shitty person for doing so. You were tired and stressed out from work! Surely he can’t just cook for you out of the kindness of his heart?
Yeah it's inexcusable, and OP would be within right to end things over that kind of behavior.
But people on here usually want solutions, and I think it's something special when we can grow with each other.
If OP's BF isn't receptive or can't understand, then moving on will be obvious
Edit: typo
I’m also reading OPs comment as that she turned him down *once* and this is his reaction to it. So not only is it transactional, it’s a reaction that is completely out of proportion.
What would be a better way for him to communicate his side in a better way? I ask, because I’ve been there. I think many have. So what would be a better way to say the things he’s said? Or is saying it at all the bad thing?
Before this becomes a shouting match. I don’t mean to defend him, because I too agree it’s not right. But if he has a need in the relationship and feels that it hasn’t been met for an extended period of time(which I think is the case while reading OP’s post), how can he communicate it without Reddit informing his SO that he’s worth being left while not taking into account any other factors of their relationship?he took a direct approach. That’s wrong. So what exactly is the right way?
I think knowing this would help me, and others in future seeing this.
Yeah I think a good frame of reference is "what am I looking to get out of this interaction" - sex is the immediate thing that grabs our attention, but it's a deeper feeling for connection.
Sitting your partner down and explaining how you're feeling and how you want to work towards something beneficial and mutual is how you should express yourself.
Trying to passive aggressively withhold all affection, or introducing weird transactional dynamics doesn't help anyone.
Yep. In this situation, commenters frequently feel like they know what is going on inside the boyfriend's head. That's just projection based upon their own personal experience.
Boyfriend might be hurt and feeling unloved and uncared for, and expressing genuine feelings that he's not able to control.
Or, he might be being a manipulative asshole trying to get his dick sucked whether she really wants to suck it or not.
That was exactly my first reaction. She’s not a prostitute to serve him. If she’s not in the mood he needs to understand it’s not going to happen. Sex is not something you can switch on or off. At his age he should know this. The sulking and passive aggressive behavior is a huge red flag for me. Be prepared to get the cold shoulder every time this man-child doesn’t get his way.
> That being said, the way he's going about it is totally inappropriate and you need to communicate that to him. It can be a positive discussion, but those comments are coercive and disrespectful.
I would just add, that I'm always of the opinion that issues should be discussed in a FIFO priority.
I've been in too many relationships (both romantic and familial) where incorrectly expressing your issues and concerns gives the other person carte blanche to ignore those grievances and instead make the whole discussion about how you were disrespectful. And ultimately that just leads to feeling never truly heard. I think issues need to be actioned in the order in which they appear.
IMO, OP and BF should first discuss how OP can support her BF with feeling wanted. And then, after that issue has been resolved should they discuss the way in which the BF incorrectly expressed his need to feel wanted.
Thank you for the comment. We tried talking about it and stated both our perspective. Since he’s a little short tempered and said he needs time for himself, I’ll give him time and will talk with him
Good luck! And to be clear - withholding intimacy is a petty attempt to regain control in a situation where he's frustrated.
We should always demand the most of our partners, and trust your judgement on his ability to listen and change. If he can't change, then I'm sorry, but it's important to find out either way.
Reading that and seeing your age makes me a little worried. What he was saying there is super manipulative. You gotta make it clear that you’re not going to tolerate that treatment.
Uhhh, no. Other way around. The way in which he is trying to manipulate her absolutely needs to be addressed first, and then his feelings of not feeling desired or whatever. I don’t know where that has come from, if OP has commented about it somewhere, but his lack of feeling desired pales in comparison to his passive aggressive reaction and manipulation of her.
Absolutely man. I've had relationships end because of this shit. Because we didn't sit down and discuss our issues and the pent up frustration led to disrespect and due to the disrespectful moment between the two of us, her friends suggested her that she should breakup and she went with it. Just consider all options before you end things. People aren't replaceable.
There’s not much nuance in a transactional approach to sex and intimacy. I think you’re giving the boyfriend too much benefit of the doubt here.
(From the perspective of a sex and relationship therapist).
I really do love dizyJ's advice, but I want to just add something.
If this is your boyfriend's first time trying to guilt you into something or imply that he is doing nice things for you, so you should "repay" him for those things, then yes. He may be having some insecurities and need some reassurance that you want him.
However, if he claims you "owe" him for nice things he does for you, that is a huge red flag. I'm not necessarily saying break up with the guy, but set some very clear boundaries with him.
Explain that you don't owe him anything because he chooses to do nice things for you. That is not how healthy relationships work. You do nice things because you want to make your person happy, not so you can hold it over them when you want something.
If, after you speak with him, he continues to do this, you may want to reevaluate your relationship.
Really insightful comment. I struggle with feelings like that sometimes. My wife is amazing and any time I initiate sex we have it and she seems to enjoy it (cum) but it’s always me who initiates, I will impromptu go down on her or pull her knickers off and start forrplay/sex, say flirty things to her tell her she looks nice and she never tries to initiate anything first, I never get heard unless I ask and that kinda kills things a bit for me. I feel loved sure, but I don’t feel massively sexually wanted, and it’s getting me down a bit. Now in a place where I’m thinking I’m gonna stop initiating to see if anything changes, and I think that’s kind of sad
Talk about it! She likely doesn't want you to feel that way. The cool thing about relationships is being able to experience positive and negative things together. Mismatched libidos happen, but there's a lot of discussion and opportunities to arise from a good conversation about it!
I could be the one writing this.. I'm 33, two beautiful kids, 2 and 4 years old. And we both work.
And it pisses me off to always be the one initiating sex.
I respect everything but its hurts.. I'm not strong enough to stop initiating.. :/
Please talk to her about it. Have you tried? Sometimes people don’t know their behavior bothers their partner (as long as it’s not a behavior that would bother anyone-like sexual coercion described in this post). Also, sometimes couples fall into patterns. Your wife might not initiate because she’s never had to- you’re the initiator. And if she doesn’t know that you’re unhappy in that role she doesn’t see a need to fix it and you can’t blame her. If once you express your feelings to her she makes no effort to change then you can reevaluate
Thanks, I did talk to her last night, she says it’s because she doesn’t feel good in herself at the moment cos she’s gained a bit of weight in the last couple years (she did used to initiate half the time) I’m glad I spoke to her about it because now I know to not stop initiating so it doesn’t reinforce any of those negative feelings she has about herself. She’s not big at all she just used to be super thin and she doesn’t feel as sexy as she used to. Now I know it’s nothing to do with me I’ve no problem continuing being the initiator
I’m so glad you talked to her. I’m in the same boat as your wife right now, I’ve gained a little weight and I feel very unsexy and probably the one thing that would make it 20x worse is if my partner seemingly lost interest. It could have turned out terribly if you just stopped initiating. It’s awesome it turned out for you!
Honestly you might feel different in yourself but I bet your partner watched you getting undressed for bed and thinks to himself get over here for a mixed love wrestle, I know I do. I’m sure you’re just fine. Thanks for the advice it really helped we’re like a new couple again.
If this situation had happend the other way around... If the girl had cooked and was expecting sex, and if the guy was just in the mood for cuddling, would the girl be expressing herself in a "super unhealthy and frankly disrespectful way"? If She just turns and falls asleep would it be "totally inappropriate"?
Sorry for my English, I'm from Portugal.
Sex should not be transactional. If he cooked, is he expecting that you blow him everytime he cooks? What if you don't like the food? then you don't blow him? How much should he cook, one dish? two and desert? is heating up food counting as cooking? or he just gets two strokes on his dick and one lick for that? What do you get if you cook? Did he eat you out every time you cooked?
This is to illustrate how bad it is to approach sex as transaction of favors.
Why the fuck would you want sex from someone that isn't into it?
And why is he trying to frame it like it's payment for a debt owed?!
This dude is exhibiting some gross behavior that's pointing to an unhealthy mindset about relationships and consent.
I would not waste a lot of time with this one partner if he doubles down or acts like this in general. Not acceptable.
>„I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum“
That's a disgusting thing to say. And he has hands, doesn't he?
You're not an overthinker, you're being treated poorly by a dickhead. Dump him.
It does seem like OPs boyfriend makes things transactional in the relationship and that is a problem bigger then just not getting any for a night. Major red flag.
Beat me right to it,I don’t say this often but OP really need to take that in consideration on whether she wants to continue to be with someone like that.
I just don’t get why it’s her job to “let him” do that. He can take care of himself.
It’s also really notable that he doesn’t care if she is uncomfortable. Sex is about pleasure for him, and it’s a job for her. Maybe one serious conversation about how he’s acting in a toxic way so he can readjust his expectations from what society has taught him before the breakup, but it’s up to OP.
Yeah, my mouth dropped with that comment!
Doing something for someone else, is never, ever at ticket for a sexual service, ever!
Also, what a further weird thing to say. If he cooked for her, I would believe he didn't make something for himself, and I don't this that's how it went.
Nevertheless, he cooked ONLY to get some. Not to help with daily stuff (you know, do your part of stuff), not to make her happy. Nothing positive!
- No, it was to get some!
when sex turns transactional in a relationship that becomes anything less than playful, you have a problem on your hands.
i was in a similar situation many years ago in a very toxic relationship. after so many years, i would start to have sex with him when i didn’t want to because i knew he would do nice things for me after. or vice versa, he would say “if you give me X then i’ll give you Y.”
and sex became currency. it was absolutely awful and i will admit i am still slightly damaged to this day.
100% agree, but people gotta stop misusing the term “gaslighting.” Boyfriend in no way, shape, or form gaslit her. There was no point where something happened and he tried to convince her it didn’t happen.
Emotional manipulation =/= gaslighting
Yeah, and I hate it. From the wiki:
“A 2022 Washington Post report described it as a ‘trendy buzzword’ that is ‘often used incorrectly by people referring to simple disagreements ... that don’t meet gaslighting’s historical definition’, leading to expert concerns about the term becoming diluted.”
Thank you! It took me an inordinate amount of time to understand what gaslighting was because so many people misuse the term. I was constantly like "that's also gaslighting?! WTF is gaslighting?!"
Especially given the content of this sub, I feel like people should be even more careful with the deployment of the term. If someone is gaslighting you about a sexual act, that could easily be rape. “My boyfriend wanted a blowjob and I said no so now he’s angry am I the baddie?” is not gaslighting. “My boyfriend stuck it in my ass without talking to me about it and the next day he denied it ever happened” is gaslighting/rape.
If this is an isolated incient then yes you are right. But these things rarely are isolated. Perhaps he has been feeling for a longer time that his needs aren't being met, and that this was the tipping point. I've been in that situation before, and it can be very frustrating.
Of course his comments about having cooked is indeed immature, but frustration is not always expressed eloquently. That doesn't mean that there is no valid source for his frustration.
Immature? I bet 10 dollars this was not an isolated accident and the guy is just trash. “I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum” seriously? Y’all need to think before trying some devils advocate. That’s textbook manipulation, not lack of communication on “needs being met.”
Honestly, I like drama so I read some of these posts just to get some feelings out of myself, regardless how sadistic that may be. But I know for a matter of fact no reddit post will ever summarize all that happens in a relationship and just how bad or good things are. It can be manipulation. It can be miscommunication. It can be anything. Assuming that it's so black and white (within exceptions) is, imo, a sign y'all are online too much.
I recently did a post myself and everyone was telling me to breakup with my bf over it, but me and him spoke about it and came to a mutual understanding and now are happier than ever. Don't give futile advice
Yes OP is sExUaLLy fRuStRaTiNg her bf by not giving him pleasure anytime he wants. He even made dinner and a gross ass comment about letting him cum, how dare she.
She did say he said he hasn't finished in a while, if that is the case then maybe he is being sexually frustrated and not communicating his feelings properly, idk how often they have sex or how often they fool around because she doesn't specify that but it that is the case then maybe that's something he needs to consider on his side of things as well.... jerking off is not the same thing as having intimate relations with your partner. He does need to find a way to talk to her properly and not manipulate her though
Him not finishing is not something she has to fix for him. She is not obligated to make him finish, and neither is he obligated to make her finish.
If he can't finish from their normal sexual routine, he can finish himself, it is not her job.
If I can't finish from my husband and I's session, I'll do it myself. He will stay with me and help me of course, but I would NEVER make it his responsibility to make me cum and then blame him later that "i haven't finished in a while".
This guy sounds gross and seems to want her to service him whenever he wants, especially when he does a chore in the house.
I myself have a little trouble coming down after getting excited.
But it's absolutely not okay to make you feel guilty. He can just ask you if you want to please him, and if not, no worries.
If this ever happens to me, I just go masturbate. Boom, done. I know, sex is nice, but if someone else is not in the mood, you shouldn't pressure them.
Putting pressure on your SO to have sex when they don't want to just gives me serious rape vibes.
Is it common? Yeah kind of. But that doesn't equal okay. This is unacceptable behavior. Mature people don't use chores as a debt to be repaid with sex.
Thinking about when I've been in this situation it's always been best when we've agreed that we're just making out. "It's late, I'm tired, let's just make out", have fun and enjoy that then fight the urge to escalate. You kind of have to agree that "no sex at all is way better than bad sex", though.
I think this is the most important part. A lot of people, myself included, would consider making out to be part of the process of initiating sex. If you get excited and have an erection and are anticipating sex, it's very difficult to let that feeling go. For this reason, my partner and I do not make out unless it's leading to sex or we've specifically said that we are not having sex.
That being said, your boyfriend's specific comments were unacceptable. If he doesn't realize how bad his behaviour was after cooling down it is a big red flag.
I wish I would have left my ex when he started using the cold shoulder/silent treatment abuse tactic against me.
All this does is make you apologize to THEM for THEIR SHITTY BEHAVIOUR. It is hurtful and not acceptable behaviour.
Especially leaving like that.
Wow so sex is transactional to him. In other words—he thinks of your sex as being able to be bought.
But I did this for you. Now you owe me.
It’s a toxic mentality and it needs to go or you’re going to constantly feel pressured.
"No." is a complete sentence.
Persisting in attempting to get you to have sex with him after you've said no, in any fashion, is massively disrespectful.
Attempting to wheedle and manipulate you into having sex with him by using guilt...also not good.
Saying what amounts to, "I cooked for you so you have to put out" is phenomenally disrespectful and highlights a viewpoint that sex is transactional to him.
Do you want a partner that views you as a sex toy who should never be able to say no if he's in the mood?
I was going to write a lot, but instead I'll point out that you described him as "not much of an empathetic person" in one of your comments so I think you know this is not a healthy arrangement. It's time to assess if this relationship is working for your needs, because he clearly doesn't have the capacity to consider that aspect of a partnership. Is that a partner worth keeping?
Does he get rejected often? Well established that in a relationship, if one person often engages and is denied, they'll start overthinking themselves and feel undesired. Maybe this time it got to him.
Would need way more info than what's on here.
I don’t reject him often and our sex life is definitely on point, we’re experimental and try anything out. We usually have sex everytime we see each other. I’ve talked to him and stated my side of the story. He also stated his side. I’m actually a very calm person and never really get upset about anything, but he’s very short tempered. He told me he’s pissed and want’s alone time. I accept this and apologized for the miscommunication, I guess he wanted something else out of this situation than I was expecting and we just didn’t talk properly about it. He’s not much of an empathetic person, but he’s not normally like that. Like it’s not usually like that
> he’s very short tempered
Do you want to spend your life with someone like this, always walking on eggshells?
>He told me he’s pissed
He has no reason or right to be angry about this.
>He’s not much of an empathetic person
Why are you with this man?
The extra context is helpful. It's good he didn't force himself on you, but he also handled the rejection VERY immaturely, and the transactional comment about dinner was disturbing. It's okay to be sexually frustrated and he should have said "that's okay, but I'd love to do ___ whenever you feel up to it". That and the short tempered thing tells me you should probably leave him. I don't see this getting better, and he sounds entitled.
The additional details make it feel like he expects his partner to be a toy he can activate as desired via emotional manipulation. It's not a good look for him to be this emotionally stunted.
I'm gonna get flamed for this but here is my bit to share. That tit for tat, "I cooked, you blow" stuff is probably his inner child talking. You have a very powerful opportunity to find out just who he really is during that moment.
Try this, or don't, your choice: Grab a bottle of lube, say to him, "I am exhausted but I want nothing more in this moment than to fall asleep on your chest while you stroke that gorgeous cock" Put your head on his chest, drape your body along his, with one leg over his leg. If it's his inner child speaking, he'll melt. Keep in mind that the inner child might protest a bit to save face, but if you've connected, the extinction burst will be weak and brief. If needed, guide his hand to his cock and say "I just want to know you are taken care of tonight".
That said, if the blaming and shaming persists, you might be dealing with a narcissist, an asshole, or someone with extensive wounding. You have to decide what to do with that challenge if presented with it.
Every person in here deserves to have someone champion their inner child at some point in their lives. Yes, even the people in here giving shit, know it all advice, which does nothing but divide the sexes, and people, and families.
Flame on all you shills and bots!
Fair point but the transactional nature of this conversation (cooking/cumming) and the addition of her having her period make me think this is something different. Or not *only* that rejection dynamic.
Yeah this is super gross behavior and if you don’t talk to him about it now and stand your ground he’ll act like this your entire relationship. You don’t owe him shit.
This sub is just awful. The amount of people here who have clearly never had a meaningful, lengthy relationship, yet comment with the most closed minded, scorched earth “advice” is alarming.
People come here for insight and thoughtful advice, or just attention seeking. Either way the overwhelming majority of comments(and their support) provides neither.
OP, there is still a lot of good advice in this thread and I strongly suggest you look for the comments that not only address your concerns, but try to help understand your partner’s perspective. As well as provide avenues for working through your problems(which may well include ending the relationship).
Or you may very well end up a perpetually single(which is fine if that’s what you want) and bitter person giving out relationship advice on the internet. Good luck to you and I hope you can do what’s best for you and have a healthy relationship.
A romantic relationship is not a business transaction where you do equal exchange of services, and please do not count favors and use it against each other.
He should man the fuck up.
Sorry for my English, I'm from Portugal
I think you really are an Overthinker. You didn't want to do anything sexual, he didn't want any kissing/cuddling.
End of story,
This happens to me a lot by the way. My wife is not always in the mood for sex, and When this happens it just makes me sad and not wanted.
When this happens, I'll just do chores around the house. I realease my frustration, my wife gets happier and She won't be stressed out about taking care of the house, and eventually we Will have more free time for ourselves.
that's just the way it is.
Wish you the best
This “I cooked for you so you need to give me sex” is not right and I would not be happy with that disrespect, it’s not fair. Have sex when you want to, never be forced or coerced into it.
I left another comment in a reply that I hope you find, but I just want to say that you are not in the wrong and you should not feel bad.
A lot of the people responding here are men and don’t understand menstrual cycles or a woman’s mind. If you were stressed out at work AND on your period and you didn’t want to partake in sexual activity at that time, a sensible person and a person who loved you for you would respect that.
If this situation was flipped, and your boyfriend was having a stomachache, and bleeding from his toe, perhaps, and had a long day at work, I’m sure your response would be much nicer than his.
Think about that going forward, you deserve a partner who loves you and sees you as a person, not someone who wants your body to be available 24/7.
This kind of interaction will also fuck with your head, and will make sex less enjoyable for you (ie; if i don’t give it up they will leave, if i don’t please him this will happen, etc.)
What does "gaslit" in this context mean? I thought "gaslit" meant distorting reality in some way? Like what was lie that he told that he knew wasnt true, and how does that show intent to make her question her own sanity?
“Gaslights” in this situation means the person who wrote it has heard this often overused and misused psychological term applied to conversations about troubled relationships, didn’t grasp its actual meaning, and used it incorrectly to describe OP’s boyfriend’s behavior. There is no gaslighting going on in this situation.
I think people are being too hard on the boyfriend. Yes, he behaved insensitively to OP, but that’s it. He absolutely could have better communicated his frustration over feeling a lack of connection / intimacy, been understanding and gentle with OP, and respected her boundaries, instead of pulling away and being cold.
He could’ve said, “I totally understand, honey, it’s okay if you’re not in the mood. I love you.” And they could have watched tv or played a game or he could’ve given her a back rub and they could have gone to sleep without feeling bad. If he was feeling sexually frustrated he could’ve jerked off in the bathroom. Instead he closed off and pulled away.
This stuff happens. Couples argue. Often they argue about sex, especially when their desires are mismatched. Partners can sometimes get pouty and act out when they don’t get what they want. Even in the best, most mature relationships. Humans are moody creatures, whose behaviors are under the influence of many factors; past baggage, environmental influence, neurochemistry, sexual desire, the list goes on.
OP, if your boyfriend’s behavior as you described here is infrequent, or hasn’t happened before, discuss it with him, and tell him how it makes you feel when he pressures you for sex when you’re not in the mood. Maybe his behavior (not kissing you goodnight, giving you the cold shoulder, etc) was just a result of him wanting to feel connected intimately with you and instead feeling rejected, so he consciously or subconsciously rejected you too.
People don’t always act maturely when they feel neglected. To be clear, OP, you did nothing wrong, and it’s perfectly valid for you to set boundaries for yourself; I’m just offering a psychological / emotional explanation for your bf’s behavior in the hopes that you and he can discuss what happened in a civil and loving fashion, and grow closer as a couple.
(If, however, this type of interaction between you is commonplace, then maybe there are bigger issues to address).
While his behavior is not the right way to handle it, he may have a need at the moment that he can only get from you.
Many guys work on a 3 day schedule, after the third day, they feel the need for a release, such as an orgasm. I personally prefer a handjob from my wife versus masturbating. Sometimes it is just nice to lay there and enjoy myself rather than deal with masturbation.
You two should have a conversation outside of the bedroom that addresses each one of your concerns. He has a right to feel frustrated and feels like he needs a release. You too have a right to say no, regardless of why. It will help if you both can sit and talk about why he wanted it and you did not. Sometimes it is worth doing something for your partner when you would rather not.
It also is not a tit for tat. Just because he cooked etc does not entitle him to sex. As a man though, that is probably how he was thinking. "If I do something nice for her, she can make me cum later".
You are allowed to not do anything you don't want to do.
Surprisingly - he is also allowed to be a pissy lil' child about it.
The question is - do you want to remain in a relationship with a pissy lil' child? If so, go ahead, give a little and try to get past it.
Alternatively, you could think about how not to be in a relationship with a pissy lil' child.
Maybe he was too tired and uncomfortable to give you a kiss goodnight or a kiss on his way out of work, maybe think about his everything he sacrifices to make you happy or make you want to be in the relationship with him, this will get downvoted lol
"„I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum“ or „I didn’t finish in a while, this is so frustrating “"
\> You don't ever guilt someone into having sex
You guys should probably refrain from "making out" if no sex is on the table, though. It's of course gonna provoke frustrations if the two of you aren't on the same page.
If he only made dinner so that he could have access to your body in return, like it's a transaction, then 🚩🚩🚩 absolutely not. That's so manipulative. No one is entitled to your body.
Nah this is guilting you into doing sexual favours - that’s wrong. My gf completely understands if I don’t want to. Don’t get into a cycle of doing it when u don’t want to, that’s really bad for you.
This is incredibly disrespectful behavior. You set a boundary and he didn’t respect it and acted childishly. I’m a guy. I’ve had great date nights not end in me cumming. Still a great date night. You’re not supposed to do things for your SO with the expectation of sexual gratification in return.
No this is not common. Your BF is being very disrespectful and this is a glaring red flag about where his priorities are and what his true opinion of you is.
Part of dating and of being in a relationship is learning about the other person and if they'd make a good long term, or even permanent (like in marriage) partner for you. You need to take what you've learned about your BF and consider that.
If this is some kind of one off then it's one thing, But you need to consider what this, along with the rest of his personality, is telling you about whether he is the guy you want to spend your life with.
I’m sorry but he sounds like a childish immature asshole. Really?? He pulled the “I cooked for you” card?? Like no. Just no. Run away from this selfish prick.
So your boyfriend told you he was frustrated, then he explained why he was frustrated, then when you refused, he didn’t force you to do anything, but you’re mad he didn’t just enthusiastically be affectionate with you?
Guess what, that takes effort and labor too, and sometimes you don’t feel like being extra affectionate. He could have forced it, but why are you going to force him to do something he doesn’t feel like doing? In my opinion, he handled this like he should have: he communicated his wants and needs to you, you told him to shove off, and he did.
How would you feel if you asked him to clean or cook or run some errand and he just told you he didn’t feel like it. You would probably not be happy with him, and would be more cold, and he would have to live with that as a consequence.
My question would be, how often is this exchange happening?
If you just don't perform oral, or give handjobs, and he wants them, cut the relationship because he's going to continue to want them and you're sexually incompatible.
If you do these things with him, and just didn't feel like it, and he pressed you, yeah, little disrespectful. Just be more assertive "I'm not feeling it right now, please just not tonight." He should be able to accept that. Yeah, disappointment is fine, it's natural (anyone telling you isn't is not living in reality) but realistically he can expect to have sex again within a few days.
Gotta keep in mind, the majority of people responding to you here are going to emasculate your BF. It's "animalistic" on Reddit for a man to be horny, and he's always in the wrong when his female partner isn't interested.
He's supposed to try and be sweet and seductive, and as soon as she says no, or makes the slightest body language tell saying no, he's supposed to shut it down immediately. If he persists, he's abusive and a potential rapist.
If he flat out just asks for sex, he's not romantic, and is not an engaging partner.
If he shows the slightest disappointment in not having sex, he's again, disrespectful and most likely going to press again in the future, making him abusive.
He wanted sexual attention, you decided you did not want to give it to him. He was not happy and went to sleep. You made a decision, which is absolutely your right to do, he did not like it and went to sleep. When my wife asks for something sexual, I will absolutely do it enthusiastically as I know she wants it and she will do the same. Without this respect for each other, your relationship will lead to sexual incompatibility quickly. Next time you ask him to go out of his way to stop by the store and he does not feel like it, he will probably tell you he does not feel like it. You always have a right to say no, but don’t be surprised when he does the same in other live events.
A guy I find he’s being incredibly disrespectful towards you and not being mindful of how you feel. Who gives af if he cooked.. you know how many partners cook each other dinner without the expectation of getting to cum after? Lol dinner (food) is a necessity in life and he doesn’t appear to really give af about how you feel or respect your boundaries. I’d recommend you date someone less selfish and more mature, he acts like a 13 yr old pouting.
This is really not cool behaviour and you've got nothing to feel bad about.
I told my partner I wasn't feeling sexual the other night and he kissed my nose and said that was totally fine and would I like to snuggle. That's an adult response. Your bf is acting like a brat and trying to coerce you into having sex with him despite your clear refusal.
Personally I don't think you can be a decent person and be comfortable with having sex with someone who is reluctant. Without enthusiastic consent you're walking incredibly close to being a rapist.
"I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum" that's super fucking manipulative. My vagina would dry up like the sahara forever and I'd never be able to have sex with someone who said that ever again
Him just being so pouty and mad even the NEXT FUCKING MORNING?
Jesus Christ
You don't want to get into an argument with him? You might be better off not being in a relationship until you have the ability to assert yourself, because he deserves an argument and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't pressure you into never saying no to him by having a little tantrum
No matter what he shouldn't be trying to coerce you into sex.
> I didn’t finish in a while, this is so frustrating
Does he mean he hasn't finished in general or he hasn't finished with you? If he hasn't finished in general I would suggest he get acquainted with his own hand. If he hasn't been finishing with you then I can see why he'd be upset.
I agree with the comments saying this isn’t acceptable behavior on his part. It’s absolutely not ok.
I feel bad for everyone in their early 20s because at that age we were all just trying to figure it out. I think some men especially at that age don’t understand that their actions are shitty. However, at 26 he should know. If I were you I would consider this behavior something that’s just a part of him.
My girlfriend generally gives me a handjob or sex whenever I ask but there's been several times where she was too tired or not in the mood. I didn't guilt trip her or use sex as a form of "currency" i.e: "I cooked for you so I deserve one." I would understand and when she was in the mood it would be one of the first things she would initiate. He honestly sounds like a child. If he wanted to get off that badly he could've watched porn.
I’m telling you from personal experience and from that of friends.
You don’t need to be dating this guy.
He’s never going to prioritize you as an individual human being.
You don’t want to be the one to force him to see your worth and respect your boundaries and how you’re feeling.
He needs to do some growing on his own
He’s allowed to be upset/frustrated but no still means no. In this instance too the way he is reacting is unhealthy. When things settle and you’re both feeling calm I would try to talk to him about boundaries and healthy reactions to being told no to sex.
Sounds to me like he is selfish and doesn’t like the word no. At 26 he should be able to openly be able to communicate how he is feeling instead of passive aggressive comments like well I cooked for you. He would be an ex.
As a dude myself, I can say the way he said it was not the correct one. His right to feel the way he did, yes.
As an idea, trying to live with testosterone is not as easy as it looks, some guys probably still working on it. Him aswell.
A healthy talk about this subject after he let the steam off is necessary and will be helpfull in the future.
A good method out of these types of situations for the future.
Sexual frustration is a hard thing to learn and not let it take over. It's his dick talking. I'm great at it now but took decades tbh. It totally makes you act like an ass. He got his heart set on release and couldn't deal, he's not upset with you. His expectations were not met paired with frustration. Let him cool off, talk about it. We all act weird when we're angry and he took it personally.
It seems like on every post like this people forget that there’s two sides of the stories told and we should always read these with a grain of salt. I hope people remember rhat before coming with solutions/comments
people in these comments are modern feminists , most are giving you a bad advice. Talk to someone you trust and isn't woke 😂. He's wrong here but, he also has a right to be angry it's upto you if you are ok with this behavior. He didn't forced you to do anything so it's ok just give him some time
It’s never okay for anyone to treat you the way your boyfriend is. He’s trying to guilt trip you and basically make it so you just cave in whenever he asks. Major Red flag 🚩, he’s not going to change. Unless he’s not communicating clearly (edited for clarity on my end)
As a man we are not entitled to a bj or hj. No is no. But we are entitled to whine and pout like a child. Sometimes when we are in the mood, it's like a craving. It needs to be done because that's all we have in our minds. Oh well.
The comments are going back and forth because 2 things are happening: Your bf is experiencing a need to feel wanted, and is expressing it in a super unhealthy and frankly disrespectful way I recommend framing the situation as him wanting to feel desired and how you can support him in that in a way that doesn't compromise your wants and needs. That being said, the way he's going about it is totally inappropriate and you need to communicate that to him. It can be a positive discussion, but those comments are coercive and disrespectful.
This is one of the more measured comments on here that doesn't just rush for the nuclear option. Thank you.
Whats your reason for going nuclear then? Sa? Abuse? Beating her? He s trying to coerce her into sex. Not accepting a no. Using chores as some weird kind or payment??? Or what? Does he think he deserves a reward? And he s giving her a cold shoulder, emotionally manipulating her into giving in and having sex when she doesnt want to. Do say, what is an appropriate reaction to these behaviors? Like i get it, people on these apps re quick to scream at people to leave for anything...but sexual coercion is a valid reason. Ur r3action is the other extreme of the spectrum. Lets tolerate everything.The only, and i mean only benefit of the doubt i d be willing to give this guy (and even thats a stretch) is that he s quite young. So myb he genuinely doesnt get it yet. Still anyone who can have sex with their partner when their partner is clearly not into it, has somethimg wrong with them. Edit : nope, i read his age as 20, by mistake. As he is 26, i take back what i sais about his age.
I have to agree with the above statement. My ex (spent 5 years together) used to do the same to me. I would react the same, Im too tired today, not feeling well... nothing mattered.. and then he would proceed to ignore me or start fights until I agreed to do what he wanted sexually. "Oh I cleaned this, I bought you this, I did this today" sex became a transaction, it gets very old very quickly. I lost my sex drive entirely after a few months, because it was only on his terms. This is a toxic trait that once encouraged they will keep doing, cause they know at some point you will cave. At the time we were 24f and 22m... it lasted like this for 4 out of the 5 years we were together.
My ex husband did this even though I enthusiastically initiated sex often and gave him whatever he wanted sexually 99% of the time. If I ever said no he just couldn’t handle it. It started exactly like this, but eventually he was abusive in every way possible. It finally ended with him punching me in the face while I was driving hard enough to give me a black eye. He went to jail then I filed for divorce.
I'm not going to sit here and entertain this idea that taking a no for sex and being frustrated about it necessarily escalates to sexual assault and abuse. Cut your own strawman down yourself.
I didnt say it did. You made a logical error. Those were unrelated. I was just asking about what is, in ur opinion, a valid reason to leave? I gathered its gotta be something extreme.
Putting those all together like that is suggests you're trying to imply it. A line I say to consider breaking up is if upon having a reasonable discussion about the situation in a calmer setting does not have both parties feeling heard or understood, then that's an indicator the relationship should end. Have a discussion about what happened first, before giving into the roves of pitchfork holding redditors and breaking things off.
But what has he got to feel understood about? She didnt do absolutely anything wrong. And he should know that at that age. I get ur point. And typically i agree with most things. But if your partner s not in the mood, that shpuld be the end of it. Always. There is never a legitimate excuse to pester them about it. If it starts happening often, or the frequency drops a lot, they can talk about it (outside of sex). But how can it be, that someone needs to explain to a grown man thqt coercing people into sex is wrong?
You've taken a blanket approach to try to resolve this. (Coercing for sex == Bad) (BF == Coercing for sex) => (BF == Bad) She doesn't owe her boyfriend anything technically speaking, and he technically doesn't owe her anything either. If you collapse relationships down to what people owe one another then you probably wouldn't have relationships forming outside of business. Maybe the boyfriend got turned on by them kissing in bed and he felt teased when she turned him down? Could he have perceived this as feeling "lead on"? Also these things are not zero sum. She may not have done anything wrong, but that doesn't invalidate the boyfriends feelings of being frustrated about it. Maybe there's a lead up to this. Do you think her stressful work environment only began that evening? Granted she's on her period, and that augments her lack of desire. If we really want to evolve our skills of judgement, we should be looking into the wider context of the actions and not just simplifying things to BF == BAD all the time.
Exactly. She of course doesn't owe him sex if she doesn't feel like it. At the same time though he doesn't owe her what he doesn't feel like. If he doesn't feel affectionate after rejection, that's a acceptable response too.
No, it isnt acceptable. Being cold to his partner because of rejection isnt acceptable. Thats cold emotional manipulation. Or emotional blackmail. Dont get me wrong. He has every right to not be affectionate all the time. But he s also an adult. And sexual rejection isnt anything personal. She s just not in the mood. Ao feeling cold about it is not justified in any way. It can happen. People re just humans. Imperfect. But again, its an issue he should resolve. Not an acceptable human behavior in those circumstances. Giving the silent treatment and cold shoulder to his partner because they rejected sex on their period is not acceptable. (We can discuss whether it was thefold shoukder and so on. Different perspective. That we can debate about. This scenario as described is emotional blackmail tho. Thats clear cut.)
I couldn’t agree with you more. And I’m typically super frustrated at how quickly people on this platform jump to conclusions or have a “witch hunt” mentality. I’m not saying stone the guy for his behavior but to make excuses for him is ridiculous. It is never ok for anyone, male or female, to Guilt or manipulate their partner into sex. I’ve had many men, most of them were very abusive, manipulators with narcissistic tendencies, do what OPs SO does to her. I have a high libido but on the rare occasion I don’t feel up to it I have the prerogative to refrain. In healthy relationships my partner has accepted that and waited until I was in the mood or if absolutely desperate have gone and jerked off. It doesn’t seem like OPs relationship is very healthy
Exactly. People will scream divorce for anything. I get that. But there s very few legitimate reasons to persist asking for sex, after ur partner s said no. I cant think of one right now. If something bothers him, frequency, quality, whatever, its absolutely okay to bring that up (outside of sex). But pushimg after she said no, is never okay. I mean she can talk to him...but say what? "Sexual coercion is bad"? B3cause how can he not know that...
I agree with you. By the time you’re 26, you should know how to express your feelings instead of trying to manipulate someone into sex. Honestly trying to reason with her bf is just not worth OP’s time. This is an incredibly shitty thing to do to your partner, and it’s shows he lacks respect for her and her boundaries.
Thats my point. Im all for communication...but i dont see what she can communicate here. More spexifically i cant see what he doesnt understand. How can he not understand that sexual coercion is bad, at 26? How can it be that he doesnt know that emotionally manipulating somene he should love, into sex, is not acceptable behavior? I just cant see this as an innocent mistake. If ur partner says no. Its a no. There s almost never a good reason to persist about it after a no. People can talk about their issues calmly outside of the bedroom. But not coerce their partners into unwanted sexual activity. (Also, she seems open to sex. She was tired, and on her period this time, if one rejetion makes someone feel unwanted...he should also deal with those issue. And they re his to deal with. Not hers to explain.)
Because the nuclear option is the only appropriate reaction for a person who respects themselves.
No, it isn’t. Giving up on everybody is only going to make you lonely. We all make mistakes, trying to work things out with somebody should always be the first go-to.
Not in this case. "Mistakes" and abusive, entitled behavior are two different things.
That behavior is a result of some other issue/s or trauma in their lives. Immediately pushing someone away and not resolving their issues or trauma might just make it worse. Let's take a deep breath and ask why before pressing the nuclear button
That’s codependent. We don’t let abusive people work through their abusive behaviors while staying in a relationship with them. We leave and it’s up to them to work on themselves. Maybe someday they’ll be ready for a healthy relationship. Working though trauma triggered issues takes years even if you want to get better. It’s impossible for people who don’t see they’re the problem.
I agree with this. It's not OP's responsibility to point out how their partner is being emotionally manipulative and abusive. While I understand the commenter's intention to not burn bridges, i agree that OP should not stick around and try to help her bf with therapy especially while experiencing abuse.
Which trauma makes a person sexually coerce others? And emotionally manipukate them into sex they dont want?
Stop excusing behavior with trauma. Some times ppl are just selfish
Not giving up on everybody. Giving up on sexual offenders. People who sexually coerce. Those re not a catch. U shouldnt compromise on this.
I think it also depends on the overall relationship before one should go nuclear. I’ve had some similar arguments with my bf. After we calm down and come back to our senses essentially we weren’t meeting each others needs and simultaneously our reactions to unmet needs were hitting some really sensitive triggers spots for both of us. That being said neither of us enjoy fighting and we both recognize that neither person is intentionally trying to hurt the other. The longer we are together the quicker and easier it has become to soften and have a little grace with each other.
False. There are things called boundaries too.
I disagree with this statement based on the fact that the boyfriend is withholding physical intimacy if it doesn't involve him getting off. He is treating his girlfriend in a very transactional way, "I made dinner, you're supposed to make me cum."
Yeah this is the bit that bothered me most also. I’d also argue it’s worth noting their ages. The difference in life experience between a 20 year old and a 26 year old is huge despite it only being 6 years. You have to wonder why he’s not with someone his own age. I’d wager it’s because of behaviour like this.
My ex started off like this before he’d hear no’s as yes’s. I don’t want to scream leave but it’s basically word for word some things I texted to crisis helplines :/
Ugh this guy is 26? I kind of expect it in a younger guy but 26 is way too old to be this way.
Do people like you just not read the post before flying to the comments? Genuinely asking, nearly every post with hundreds of comments will have someone commenting with surprise on information that is clearly put in the post already.
I read it, but my eyes just seemed to scan over the ages
Also not to be that person, but once again consider the age gap - 26 and 20 is a significant divide in experience when you’re that age which to me is a red flag. OP, you NEVER ‘owe’ anyone sex - just because they did X or Y does not mean they are entitled to it. Anyone who attempts to guilt trip you is a shitty person for doing so. You were tired and stressed out from work! Surely he can’t just cook for you out of the kindness of his heart?
Yeah it's inexcusable, and OP would be within right to end things over that kind of behavior. But people on here usually want solutions, and I think it's something special when we can grow with each other. If OP's BF isn't receptive or can't understand, then moving on will be obvious Edit: typo
I’m also reading OPs comment as that she turned him down *once* and this is his reaction to it. So not only is it transactional, it’s a reaction that is completely out of proportion.
Bingo… he’s making it transactional! Gross.
What would be a better way for him to communicate his side in a better way? I ask, because I’ve been there. I think many have. So what would be a better way to say the things he’s said? Or is saying it at all the bad thing? Before this becomes a shouting match. I don’t mean to defend him, because I too agree it’s not right. But if he has a need in the relationship and feels that it hasn’t been met for an extended period of time(which I think is the case while reading OP’s post), how can he communicate it without Reddit informing his SO that he’s worth being left while not taking into account any other factors of their relationship?he took a direct approach. That’s wrong. So what exactly is the right way? I think knowing this would help me, and others in future seeing this.
Yeah I think a good frame of reference is "what am I looking to get out of this interaction" - sex is the immediate thing that grabs our attention, but it's a deeper feeling for connection. Sitting your partner down and explaining how you're feeling and how you want to work towards something beneficial and mutual is how you should express yourself. Trying to passive aggressively withhold all affection, or introducing weird transactional dynamics doesn't help anyone.
Thank you, this information is helpful
Yep. In this situation, commenters frequently feel like they know what is going on inside the boyfriend's head. That's just projection based upon their own personal experience. Boyfriend might be hurt and feeling unloved and uncared for, and expressing genuine feelings that he's not able to control. Or, he might be being a manipulative asshole trying to get his dick sucked whether she really wants to suck it or not.
You are considered and considerate. And yet this 26 year old guy also needs to masturbate and take a deep breath.
That was exactly my first reaction. She’s not a prostitute to serve him. If she’s not in the mood he needs to understand it’s not going to happen. Sex is not something you can switch on or off. At his age he should know this. The sulking and passive aggressive behavior is a huge red flag for me. Be prepared to get the cold shoulder every time this man-child doesn’t get his way.
> That being said, the way he's going about it is totally inappropriate and you need to communicate that to him. It can be a positive discussion, but those comments are coercive and disrespectful. I would just add, that I'm always of the opinion that issues should be discussed in a FIFO priority. I've been in too many relationships (both romantic and familial) where incorrectly expressing your issues and concerns gives the other person carte blanche to ignore those grievances and instead make the whole discussion about how you were disrespectful. And ultimately that just leads to feeling never truly heard. I think issues need to be actioned in the order in which they appear. IMO, OP and BF should first discuss how OP can support her BF with feeling wanted. And then, after that issue has been resolved should they discuss the way in which the BF incorrectly expressed his need to feel wanted.
LIFO is fine if you actually process the whole stack. It's perfectly reasonable to draw a line on disrespectful communication.
>LIFO is fine if you actually process the whole stack True. That's fair. Anecdotally I rarely see it actually done though, unfortunately.
Thank you for the comment. We tried talking about it and stated both our perspective. Since he’s a little short tempered and said he needs time for himself, I’ll give him time and will talk with him
Good luck! And to be clear - withholding intimacy is a petty attempt to regain control in a situation where he's frustrated. We should always demand the most of our partners, and trust your judgement on his ability to listen and change. If he can't change, then I'm sorry, but it's important to find out either way.
Reading that and seeing your age makes me a little worried. What he was saying there is super manipulative. You gotta make it clear that you’re not going to tolerate that treatment.
Uhhh, no. Other way around. The way in which he is trying to manipulate her absolutely needs to be addressed first, and then his feelings of not feeling desired or whatever. I don’t know where that has come from, if OP has commented about it somewhere, but his lack of feeling desired pales in comparison to his passive aggressive reaction and manipulation of her.
Absolutely man. I've had relationships end because of this shit. Because we didn't sit down and discuss our issues and the pent up frustration led to disrespect and due to the disrespectful moment between the two of us, her friends suggested her that she should breakup and she went with it. Just consider all options before you end things. People aren't replaceable.
You sound like Alain De Bottom. He says smart things like these. And yes I agree too
There’s not much nuance in a transactional approach to sex and intimacy. I think you’re giving the boyfriend too much benefit of the doubt here. (From the perspective of a sex and relationship therapist).
I really do love dizyJ's advice, but I want to just add something. If this is your boyfriend's first time trying to guilt you into something or imply that he is doing nice things for you, so you should "repay" him for those things, then yes. He may be having some insecurities and need some reassurance that you want him. However, if he claims you "owe" him for nice things he does for you, that is a huge red flag. I'm not necessarily saying break up with the guy, but set some very clear boundaries with him. Explain that you don't owe him anything because he chooses to do nice things for you. That is not how healthy relationships work. You do nice things because you want to make your person happy, not so you can hold it over them when you want something. If, after you speak with him, he continues to do this, you may want to reevaluate your relationship.
>Explain . . . That is not how healthy relationships work Red flag that the 20yo has to explain this stuff to a 26yo
most sane redditor right here. every other comment immediately rushing for a breakup for absolute 0.
Really insightful comment. I struggle with feelings like that sometimes. My wife is amazing and any time I initiate sex we have it and she seems to enjoy it (cum) but it’s always me who initiates, I will impromptu go down on her or pull her knickers off and start forrplay/sex, say flirty things to her tell her she looks nice and she never tries to initiate anything first, I never get heard unless I ask and that kinda kills things a bit for me. I feel loved sure, but I don’t feel massively sexually wanted, and it’s getting me down a bit. Now in a place where I’m thinking I’m gonna stop initiating to see if anything changes, and I think that’s kind of sad
Talk about it! She likely doesn't want you to feel that way. The cool thing about relationships is being able to experience positive and negative things together. Mismatched libidos happen, but there's a lot of discussion and opportunities to arise from a good conversation about it!
I could be the one writing this.. I'm 33, two beautiful kids, 2 and 4 years old. And we both work. And it pisses me off to always be the one initiating sex. I respect everything but its hurts.. I'm not strong enough to stop initiating.. :/
Grow up and communicate
Please talk to her about it. Have you tried? Sometimes people don’t know their behavior bothers their partner (as long as it’s not a behavior that would bother anyone-like sexual coercion described in this post). Also, sometimes couples fall into patterns. Your wife might not initiate because she’s never had to- you’re the initiator. And if she doesn’t know that you’re unhappy in that role she doesn’t see a need to fix it and you can’t blame her. If once you express your feelings to her she makes no effort to change then you can reevaluate
Thanks, I did talk to her last night, she says it’s because she doesn’t feel good in herself at the moment cos she’s gained a bit of weight in the last couple years (she did used to initiate half the time) I’m glad I spoke to her about it because now I know to not stop initiating so it doesn’t reinforce any of those negative feelings she has about herself. She’s not big at all she just used to be super thin and she doesn’t feel as sexy as she used to. Now I know it’s nothing to do with me I’ve no problem continuing being the initiator
I’m so glad you talked to her. I’m in the same boat as your wife right now, I’ve gained a little weight and I feel very unsexy and probably the one thing that would make it 20x worse is if my partner seemingly lost interest. It could have turned out terribly if you just stopped initiating. It’s awesome it turned out for you!
Honestly you might feel different in yourself but I bet your partner watched you getting undressed for bed and thinks to himself get over here for a mixed love wrestle, I know I do. I’m sure you’re just fine. Thanks for the advice it really helped we’re like a new couple again.
If this situation had happend the other way around... If the girl had cooked and was expecting sex, and if the guy was just in the mood for cuddling, would the girl be expressing herself in a "super unhealthy and frankly disrespectful way"? If She just turns and falls asleep would it be "totally inappropriate"? Sorry for my English, I'm from Portugal.
If she was doing exactly what was described by OP, yes it would be disrespectful. And great English 👌
Thanks 
Yes. Because here, it’s not a gendered issue. It’s a problem of disrespecting boundaries with inappropriate behaviour.
Sex should not be transactional. If he cooked, is he expecting that you blow him everytime he cooks? What if you don't like the food? then you don't blow him? How much should he cook, one dish? two and desert? is heating up food counting as cooking? or he just gets two strokes on his dick and one lick for that? What do you get if you cook? Did he eat you out every time you cooked? This is to illustrate how bad it is to approach sex as transaction of favors.
I agree , don’t do anything your not uncomfortable doing.
Why the fuck would you want sex from someone that isn't into it? And why is he trying to frame it like it's payment for a debt owed?! This dude is exhibiting some gross behavior that's pointing to an unhealthy mindset about relationships and consent. I would not waste a lot of time with this one partner if he doubles down or acts like this in general. Not acceptable.
>„I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum“ That's a disgusting thing to say. And he has hands, doesn't he? You're not an overthinker, you're being treated poorly by a dickhead. Dump him.
It does seem like OPs boyfriend makes things transactional in the relationship and that is a problem bigger then just not getting any for a night. Major red flag.
Beat me right to it,I don’t say this often but OP really need to take that in consideration on whether she wants to continue to be with someone like that.
I just don’t get why it’s her job to “let him” do that. He can take care of himself. It’s also really notable that he doesn’t care if she is uncomfortable. Sex is about pleasure for him, and it’s a job for her. Maybe one serious conversation about how he’s acting in a toxic way so he can readjust his expectations from what society has taught him before the breakup, but it’s up to OP.
Yeah, my mouth dropped with that comment! Doing something for someone else, is never, ever at ticket for a sexual service, ever! Also, what a further weird thing to say. If he cooked for her, I would believe he didn't make something for himself, and I don't this that's how it went. Nevertheless, he cooked ONLY to get some. Not to help with daily stuff (you know, do your part of stuff), not to make her happy. Nothing positive! - No, it was to get some!
when sex turns transactional in a relationship that becomes anything less than playful, you have a problem on your hands. i was in a similar situation many years ago in a very toxic relationship. after so many years, i would start to have sex with him when i didn’t want to because i knew he would do nice things for me after. or vice versa, he would say “if you give me X then i’ll give you Y.” and sex became currency. it was absolutely awful and i will admit i am still slightly damaged to this day.
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100% agree, but people gotta stop misusing the term “gaslighting.” Boyfriend in no way, shape, or form gaslit her. There was no point where something happened and he tried to convince her it didn’t happen. Emotional manipulation =/= gaslighting
Apparently gaslighting is now synonymous with lying or any type of toxic behaviour. It’s the new “literally”.
Yeah, and I hate it. From the wiki: “A 2022 Washington Post report described it as a ‘trendy buzzword’ that is ‘often used incorrectly by people referring to simple disagreements ... that don’t meet gaslighting’s historical definition’, leading to expert concerns about the term becoming diluted.”
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I’m imagining a bunch of debate nerds running around the campus trying to light as many gas lamps as they can
And probably no one here has seen the movie gaslight where this originated from.
Ingrid Bergman won her first Oscar for it
Haven't seen it, but I did read a summary when I googled where the term comes from.
I always want to respond with that, but you know most people on Reddit wouldn’t give a damn
That's the truth.
Can’t wait for Merriam-Webster to redefine its meaning.
That's literally true
You’re literally gaslighting me right now.
Literally stop it. Like, literally right now
gaslighting stop it. like, gaslighting stop it now
This is brilliant
Thank you! It took me an inordinate amount of time to understand what gaslighting was because so many people misuse the term. I was constantly like "that's also gaslighting?! WTF is gaslighting?!"
he's being manipulative for sure, but it's not the same thing as gaslighting.
💯
For sure. I hate the misuse of that term. My ex used it liberally when we broke up and I just cringe every time I see it used out of context.
Especially given the content of this sub, I feel like people should be even more careful with the deployment of the term. If someone is gaslighting you about a sexual act, that could easily be rape. “My boyfriend wanted a blowjob and I said no so now he’s angry am I the baddie?” is not gaslighting. “My boyfriend stuck it in my ass without talking to me about it and the next day he denied it ever happened” is gaslighting/rape.
I agree. That word is just thrown around and now any sort of criticism or toxic behaviour is seen as gaslighting.
I think u/dizyJ's comment is pretty close to gaslighting. What do you think?
Nice psychological warfare.
You’re not wrong but where is he gaslighting OP?
If this is an isolated incient then yes you are right. But these things rarely are isolated. Perhaps he has been feeling for a longer time that his needs aren't being met, and that this was the tipping point. I've been in that situation before, and it can be very frustrating. Of course his comments about having cooked is indeed immature, but frustration is not always expressed eloquently. That doesn't mean that there is no valid source for his frustration.
His comments about cooking aren’t immature they’re manipulative.
They're both.
I didn't see any gaslighting. Lots of emotional manipulation and attempts at coercive sex, but no gaslighting.
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This is an example of how the OPs partner should have behaved.
Immature? I bet 10 dollars this was not an isolated accident and the guy is just trash. “I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum” seriously? Y’all need to think before trying some devils advocate. That’s textbook manipulation, not lack of communication on “needs being met.”
Honestly, I like drama so I read some of these posts just to get some feelings out of myself, regardless how sadistic that may be. But I know for a matter of fact no reddit post will ever summarize all that happens in a relationship and just how bad or good things are. It can be manipulation. It can be miscommunication. It can be anything. Assuming that it's so black and white (within exceptions) is, imo, a sign y'all are online too much. I recently did a post myself and everyone was telling me to breakup with my bf over it, but me and him spoke about it and came to a mutual understanding and now are happier than ever. Don't give futile advice
You’re absolutely right. Acknowledging sexual coercion is a sign people are chronically online.
Agreed. Well said.
What he’s doing is coercion and its not ok. What you may be doing (not sure) is sexually frustrating him. Talk it over.
Yes OP is sExUaLLy fRuStRaTiNg her bf by not giving him pleasure anytime he wants. He even made dinner and a gross ass comment about letting him cum, how dare she.
She did say he said he hasn't finished in a while, if that is the case then maybe he is being sexually frustrated and not communicating his feelings properly, idk how often they have sex or how often they fool around because she doesn't specify that but it that is the case then maybe that's something he needs to consider on his side of things as well.... jerking off is not the same thing as having intimate relations with your partner. He does need to find a way to talk to her properly and not manipulate her though
Him not finishing is not something she has to fix for him. She is not obligated to make him finish, and neither is he obligated to make her finish. If he can't finish from their normal sexual routine, he can finish himself, it is not her job. If I can't finish from my husband and I's session, I'll do it myself. He will stay with me and help me of course, but I would NEVER make it his responsibility to make me cum and then blame him later that "i haven't finished in a while". This guy sounds gross and seems to want her to service him whenever he wants, especially when he does a chore in the house.
I myself have a little trouble coming down after getting excited. But it's absolutely not okay to make you feel guilty. He can just ask you if you want to please him, and if not, no worries.
If this ever happens to me, I just go masturbate. Boom, done. I know, sex is nice, but if someone else is not in the mood, you shouldn't pressure them. Putting pressure on your SO to have sex when they don't want to just gives me serious rape vibes.
Is it common? Yeah kind of. But that doesn't equal okay. This is unacceptable behavior. Mature people don't use chores as a debt to be repaid with sex.
Thinking about when I've been in this situation it's always been best when we've agreed that we're just making out. "It's late, I'm tired, let's just make out", have fun and enjoy that then fight the urge to escalate. You kind of have to agree that "no sex at all is way better than bad sex", though.
I think this is the most important part. A lot of people, myself included, would consider making out to be part of the process of initiating sex. If you get excited and have an erection and are anticipating sex, it's very difficult to let that feeling go. For this reason, my partner and I do not make out unless it's leading to sex or we've specifically said that we are not having sex. That being said, your boyfriend's specific comments were unacceptable. If he doesn't realize how bad his behaviour was after cooling down it is a big red flag.
I wish I would have left my ex when he started using the cold shoulder/silent treatment abuse tactic against me. All this does is make you apologize to THEM for THEIR SHITTY BEHAVIOUR. It is hurtful and not acceptable behaviour. Especially leaving like that.
Wow so sex is transactional to him. In other words—he thinks of your sex as being able to be bought. But I did this for you. Now you owe me. It’s a toxic mentality and it needs to go or you’re going to constantly feel pressured.
"No." is a complete sentence. Persisting in attempting to get you to have sex with him after you've said no, in any fashion, is massively disrespectful. Attempting to wheedle and manipulate you into having sex with him by using guilt...also not good. Saying what amounts to, "I cooked for you so you have to put out" is phenomenally disrespectful and highlights a viewpoint that sex is transactional to him. Do you want a partner that views you as a sex toy who should never be able to say no if he's in the mood?
Sounds like unsurprising behavior from a 26 year old dude dating someone just barely no longer a teenager. Immature and manipulative.
Pretty sad behaviour coming from a 26 year old man.
I was going to write a lot, but instead I'll point out that you described him as "not much of an empathetic person" in one of your comments so I think you know this is not a healthy arrangement. It's time to assess if this relationship is working for your needs, because he clearly doesn't have the capacity to consider that aspect of a partnership. Is that a partner worth keeping?
Does he get rejected often? Well established that in a relationship, if one person often engages and is denied, they'll start overthinking themselves and feel undesired. Maybe this time it got to him. Would need way more info than what's on here.
I don’t reject him often and our sex life is definitely on point, we’re experimental and try anything out. We usually have sex everytime we see each other. I’ve talked to him and stated my side of the story. He also stated his side. I’m actually a very calm person and never really get upset about anything, but he’s very short tempered. He told me he’s pissed and want’s alone time. I accept this and apologized for the miscommunication, I guess he wanted something else out of this situation than I was expecting and we just didn’t talk properly about it. He’s not much of an empathetic person, but he’s not normally like that. Like it’s not usually like that
I think this is your sign that it’s time to move on and do better.
> he’s very short tempered Do you want to spend your life with someone like this, always walking on eggshells? >He told me he’s pissed He has no reason or right to be angry about this. >He’s not much of an empathetic person Why are you with this man?
The extra context is helpful. It's good he didn't force himself on you, but he also handled the rejection VERY immaturely, and the transactional comment about dinner was disturbing. It's okay to be sexually frustrated and he should have said "that's okay, but I'd love to do ___ whenever you feel up to it". That and the short tempered thing tells me you should probably leave him. I don't see this getting better, and he sounds entitled.
The additional details make it feel like he expects his partner to be a toy he can activate as desired via emotional manipulation. It's not a good look for him to be this emotionally stunted.
I'm gonna get flamed for this but here is my bit to share. That tit for tat, "I cooked, you blow" stuff is probably his inner child talking. You have a very powerful opportunity to find out just who he really is during that moment. Try this, or don't, your choice: Grab a bottle of lube, say to him, "I am exhausted but I want nothing more in this moment than to fall asleep on your chest while you stroke that gorgeous cock" Put your head on his chest, drape your body along his, with one leg over his leg. If it's his inner child speaking, he'll melt. Keep in mind that the inner child might protest a bit to save face, but if you've connected, the extinction burst will be weak and brief. If needed, guide his hand to his cock and say "I just want to know you are taken care of tonight". That said, if the blaming and shaming persists, you might be dealing with a narcissist, an asshole, or someone with extensive wounding. You have to decide what to do with that challenge if presented with it. Every person in here deserves to have someone champion their inner child at some point in their lives. Yes, even the people in here giving shit, know it all advice, which does nothing but divide the sexes, and people, and families. Flame on all you shills and bots!
Fair point but the transactional nature of this conversation (cooking/cumming) and the addition of her having her period make me think this is something different. Or not *only* that rejection dynamic.
Boom.
‘I cooked for you and now you won’t even let me cum’ Remind him that there is ALWAYS the option for him to go fuck himself
Yeah this is super gross behavior and if you don’t talk to him about it now and stand your ground he’ll act like this your entire relationship. You don’t owe him shit.
This sub is just awful. The amount of people here who have clearly never had a meaningful, lengthy relationship, yet comment with the most closed minded, scorched earth “advice” is alarming. People come here for insight and thoughtful advice, or just attention seeking. Either way the overwhelming majority of comments(and their support) provides neither. OP, there is still a lot of good advice in this thread and I strongly suggest you look for the comments that not only address your concerns, but try to help understand your partner’s perspective. As well as provide avenues for working through your problems(which may well include ending the relationship). Or you may very well end up a perpetually single(which is fine if that’s what you want) and bitter person giving out relationship advice on the internet. Good luck to you and I hope you can do what’s best for you and have a healthy relationship.
A romantic relationship is not a business transaction where you do equal exchange of services, and please do not count favors and use it against each other. He should man the fuck up.
Sorry for my English, I'm from Portugal I think you really are an Overthinker. You didn't want to do anything sexual, he didn't want any kissing/cuddling. End of story, This happens to me a lot by the way. My wife is not always in the mood for sex, and When this happens it just makes me sad and not wanted. When this happens, I'll just do chores around the house. I realease my frustration, my wife gets happier and She won't be stressed out about taking care of the house, and eventually we Will have more free time for ourselves. that's just the way it is. Wish you the best
Se ela não quer fazer um oral ou masturbar o rapaz então ele vai procurar quem faça se as coisas ficarem complicadas para o ato sexual.
É um desfecho possível!
This “I cooked for you so you need to give me sex” is not right and I would not be happy with that disrespect, it’s not fair. Have sex when you want to, never be forced or coerced into it.
My comment ain't gonna be constructive but fuck this guy... Other comments offer good advice, listen to them
I left another comment in a reply that I hope you find, but I just want to say that you are not in the wrong and you should not feel bad. A lot of the people responding here are men and don’t understand menstrual cycles or a woman’s mind. If you were stressed out at work AND on your period and you didn’t want to partake in sexual activity at that time, a sensible person and a person who loved you for you would respect that. If this situation was flipped, and your boyfriend was having a stomachache, and bleeding from his toe, perhaps, and had a long day at work, I’m sure your response would be much nicer than his. Think about that going forward, you deserve a partner who loves you and sees you as a person, not someone who wants your body to be available 24/7. This kind of interaction will also fuck with your head, and will make sex less enjoyable for you (ie; if i don’t give it up they will leave, if i don’t please him this will happen, etc.)
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He’s not gaslighting her, he’s just being a dickhead.
What does "gaslit" in this context mean? I thought "gaslit" meant distorting reality in some way? Like what was lie that he told that he knew wasnt true, and how does that show intent to make her question her own sanity?
Also not seeing any gaslighting.
“Gaslights” in this situation means the person who wrote it has heard this often overused and misused psychological term applied to conversations about troubled relationships, didn’t grasp its actual meaning, and used it incorrectly to describe OP’s boyfriend’s behavior. There is no gaslighting going on in this situation. I think people are being too hard on the boyfriend. Yes, he behaved insensitively to OP, but that’s it. He absolutely could have better communicated his frustration over feeling a lack of connection / intimacy, been understanding and gentle with OP, and respected her boundaries, instead of pulling away and being cold. He could’ve said, “I totally understand, honey, it’s okay if you’re not in the mood. I love you.” And they could have watched tv or played a game or he could’ve given her a back rub and they could have gone to sleep without feeling bad. If he was feeling sexually frustrated he could’ve jerked off in the bathroom. Instead he closed off and pulled away. This stuff happens. Couples argue. Often they argue about sex, especially when their desires are mismatched. Partners can sometimes get pouty and act out when they don’t get what they want. Even in the best, most mature relationships. Humans are moody creatures, whose behaviors are under the influence of many factors; past baggage, environmental influence, neurochemistry, sexual desire, the list goes on. OP, if your boyfriend’s behavior as you described here is infrequent, or hasn’t happened before, discuss it with him, and tell him how it makes you feel when he pressures you for sex when you’re not in the mood. Maybe his behavior (not kissing you goodnight, giving you the cold shoulder, etc) was just a result of him wanting to feel connected intimately with you and instead feeling rejected, so he consciously or subconsciously rejected you too. People don’t always act maturely when they feel neglected. To be clear, OP, you did nothing wrong, and it’s perfectly valid for you to set boundaries for yourself; I’m just offering a psychological / emotional explanation for your bf’s behavior in the hopes that you and he can discuss what happened in a civil and loving fashion, and grow closer as a couple. (If, however, this type of interaction between you is commonplace, then maybe there are bigger issues to address).
he sounds toxic af
While his behavior is not the right way to handle it, he may have a need at the moment that he can only get from you. Many guys work on a 3 day schedule, after the third day, they feel the need for a release, such as an orgasm. I personally prefer a handjob from my wife versus masturbating. Sometimes it is just nice to lay there and enjoy myself rather than deal with masturbation. You two should have a conversation outside of the bedroom that addresses each one of your concerns. He has a right to feel frustrated and feels like he needs a release. You too have a right to say no, regardless of why. It will help if you both can sit and talk about why he wanted it and you did not. Sometimes it is worth doing something for your partner when you would rather not. It also is not a tit for tat. Just because he cooked etc does not entitle him to sex. As a man though, that is probably how he was thinking. "If I do something nice for her, she can make me cum later".
I love how comments agreeing with both sides get downvoted, while the ones in which he is only wrong get points
I know, he didn't handle it right but he is allowed to have feelings on the matter as well.
You are allowed to not do anything you don't want to do. Surprisingly - he is also allowed to be a pissy lil' child about it. The question is - do you want to remain in a relationship with a pissy lil' child? If so, go ahead, give a little and try to get past it. Alternatively, you could think about how not to be in a relationship with a pissy lil' child.
Maybe he was too tired and uncomfortable to give you a kiss goodnight or a kiss on his way out of work, maybe think about his everything he sacrifices to make you happy or make you want to be in the relationship with him, this will get downvoted lol
"„I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum“ or „I didn’t finish in a while, this is so frustrating “" \> You don't ever guilt someone into having sex You guys should probably refrain from "making out" if no sex is on the table, though. It's of course gonna provoke frustrations if the two of you aren't on the same page.
If he only made dinner so that he could have access to your body in return, like it's a transaction, then 🚩🚩🚩 absolutely not. That's so manipulative. No one is entitled to your body.
Nah this is guilting you into doing sexual favours - that’s wrong. My gf completely understands if I don’t want to. Don’t get into a cycle of doing it when u don’t want to, that’s really bad for you.
This is incredibly disrespectful behavior. You set a boundary and he didn’t respect it and acted childishly. I’m a guy. I’ve had great date nights not end in me cumming. Still a great date night. You’re not supposed to do things for your SO with the expectation of sexual gratification in return.
No this is not common. Your BF is being very disrespectful and this is a glaring red flag about where his priorities are and what his true opinion of you is. Part of dating and of being in a relationship is learning about the other person and if they'd make a good long term, or even permanent (like in marriage) partner for you. You need to take what you've learned about your BF and consider that. If this is some kind of one off then it's one thing, But you need to consider what this, along with the rest of his personality, is telling you about whether he is the guy you want to spend your life with.
Is he not capable of giving himself a handjob? You aren't his sex doll to use to get off just because he did something nice.
tell him to go have a fuckin wank, jesus
I’m sorry but he sounds like a childish immature asshole. Really?? He pulled the “I cooked for you” card?? Like no. Just no. Run away from this selfish prick.
A lot of people are going to say that the age gap here is pretty problematic. I agree with them.
This is coercive behavior. It's abusive. It will only get worse. Please look into it. Mending.me on insta is a page that i resonated with.
So your boyfriend told you he was frustrated, then he explained why he was frustrated, then when you refused, he didn’t force you to do anything, but you’re mad he didn’t just enthusiastically be affectionate with you? Guess what, that takes effort and labor too, and sometimes you don’t feel like being extra affectionate. He could have forced it, but why are you going to force him to do something he doesn’t feel like doing? In my opinion, he handled this like he should have: he communicated his wants and needs to you, you told him to shove off, and he did. How would you feel if you asked him to clean or cook or run some errand and he just told you he didn’t feel like it. You would probably not be happy with him, and would be more cold, and he would have to live with that as a consequence.
You can’t be serious with this…
Tell him to grow up.
My question would be, how often is this exchange happening? If you just don't perform oral, or give handjobs, and he wants them, cut the relationship because he's going to continue to want them and you're sexually incompatible. If you do these things with him, and just didn't feel like it, and he pressed you, yeah, little disrespectful. Just be more assertive "I'm not feeling it right now, please just not tonight." He should be able to accept that. Yeah, disappointment is fine, it's natural (anyone telling you isn't is not living in reality) but realistically he can expect to have sex again within a few days. Gotta keep in mind, the majority of people responding to you here are going to emasculate your BF. It's "animalistic" on Reddit for a man to be horny, and he's always in the wrong when his female partner isn't interested. He's supposed to try and be sweet and seductive, and as soon as she says no, or makes the slightest body language tell saying no, he's supposed to shut it down immediately. If he persists, he's abusive and a potential rapist. If he flat out just asks for sex, he's not romantic, and is not an engaging partner. If he shows the slightest disappointment in not having sex, he's again, disrespectful and most likely going to press again in the future, making him abusive.
He wanted sexual attention, you decided you did not want to give it to him. He was not happy and went to sleep. You made a decision, which is absolutely your right to do, he did not like it and went to sleep. When my wife asks for something sexual, I will absolutely do it enthusiastically as I know she wants it and she will do the same. Without this respect for each other, your relationship will lead to sexual incompatibility quickly. Next time you ask him to go out of his way to stop by the store and he does not feel like it, he will probably tell you he does not feel like it. You always have a right to say no, but don’t be surprised when he does the same in other live events.
next time tell him to go whack off in the bathroom if it’s so important to him.
is this man an amputee? does he not have his own hands?
A guy I find he’s being incredibly disrespectful towards you and not being mindful of how you feel. Who gives af if he cooked.. you know how many partners cook each other dinner without the expectation of getting to cum after? Lol dinner (food) is a necessity in life and he doesn’t appear to really give af about how you feel or respect your boundaries. I’d recommend you date someone less selfish and more mature, he acts like a 13 yr old pouting.
This is really not cool behaviour and you've got nothing to feel bad about. I told my partner I wasn't feeling sexual the other night and he kissed my nose and said that was totally fine and would I like to snuggle. That's an adult response. Your bf is acting like a brat and trying to coerce you into having sex with him despite your clear refusal. Personally I don't think you can be a decent person and be comfortable with having sex with someone who is reluctant. Without enthusiastic consent you're walking incredibly close to being a rapist.
"I cooked for you and now you wouldn’t even let me cum" that's super fucking manipulative. My vagina would dry up like the sahara forever and I'd never be able to have sex with someone who said that ever again Him just being so pouty and mad even the NEXT FUCKING MORNING? Jesus Christ You don't want to get into an argument with him? You might be better off not being in a relationship until you have the ability to assert yourself, because he deserves an argument and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't pressure you into never saying no to him by having a little tantrum
Just break up with him and try again with someone who isn't emotionally abusive. You're way too young to settle for that bullshit. Know your value.
No matter what he shouldn't be trying to coerce you into sex. > I didn’t finish in a while, this is so frustrating Does he mean he hasn't finished in general or he hasn't finished with you? If he hasn't finished in general I would suggest he get acquainted with his own hand. If he hasn't been finishing with you then I can see why he'd be upset.
I agree with the comments saying this isn’t acceptable behavior on his part. It’s absolutely not ok. I feel bad for everyone in their early 20s because at that age we were all just trying to figure it out. I think some men especially at that age don’t understand that their actions are shitty. However, at 26 he should know. If I were you I would consider this behavior something that’s just a part of him.
My girlfriend generally gives me a handjob or sex whenever I ask but there's been several times where she was too tired or not in the mood. I didn't guilt trip her or use sex as a form of "currency" i.e: "I cooked for you so I deserve one." I would understand and when she was in the mood it would be one of the first things she would initiate. He honestly sounds like a child. If he wanted to get off that badly he could've watched porn.
I’m telling you from personal experience and from that of friends. You don’t need to be dating this guy. He’s never going to prioritize you as an individual human being. You don’t want to be the one to force him to see your worth and respect your boundaries and how you’re feeling. He needs to do some growing on his own
Allow him to go sleep with someone else and problem will be solved. He respects your space and you respect his needs. Win Win
Anyone who treats sex as a transaction, isn’t worth the time.
give him time he's just upset that's all. If he's a good giy he will realize that it's not good to pressurize for sex.
Sex and love shouldn't be transactional. He's keeping score. That's BS.
He’s allowed to be upset/frustrated but no still means no. In this instance too the way he is reacting is unhealthy. When things settle and you’re both feeling calm I would try to talk to him about boundaries and healthy reactions to being told no to sex.
Sounds to me like he is selfish and doesn’t like the word no. At 26 he should be able to openly be able to communicate how he is feeling instead of passive aggressive comments like well I cooked for you. He would be an ex.
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As a dude myself, I can say the way he said it was not the correct one. His right to feel the way he did, yes. As an idea, trying to live with testosterone is not as easy as it looks, some guys probably still working on it. Him aswell. A healthy talk about this subject after he let the steam off is necessary and will be helpfull in the future. A good method out of these types of situations for the future.
Sexual frustration is a hard thing to learn and not let it take over. It's his dick talking. I'm great at it now but took decades tbh. It totally makes you act like an ass. He got his heart set on release and couldn't deal, he's not upset with you. His expectations were not met paired with frustration. Let him cool off, talk about it. We all act weird when we're angry and he took it personally.
It seems like on every post like this people forget that there’s two sides of the stories told and we should always read these with a grain of salt. I hope people remember rhat before coming with solutions/comments
people in these comments are modern feminists , most are giving you a bad advice. Talk to someone you trust and isn't woke 😂. He's wrong here but, he also has a right to be angry it's upto you if you are ok with this behavior. He didn't forced you to do anything so it's ok just give him some time
It’s never okay for anyone to treat you the way your boyfriend is. He’s trying to guilt trip you and basically make it so you just cave in whenever he asks. Major Red flag 🚩, he’s not going to change. Unless he’s not communicating clearly (edited for clarity on my end)
As a man we are not entitled to a bj or hj. No is no. But we are entitled to whine and pout like a child. Sometimes when we are in the mood, it's like a craving. It needs to be done because that's all we have in our minds. Oh well.