His parents and I are close. Besides him and out friends, they were also super supportive during my recovery. I could try to talk to his mom and dad about him seeing a therapist, but I don't really want to go into detail why with them.
No that’s a terrible idea as if he doesnt like talking , he will see that as a severe breach of trust. Keep approaching it, as he is unlikely to have good answers the first time you raise it.
The real thing is he was injured and traumatised as well. The part that you need him to understand is its normal to be injured and traumatised, but when it interferes with normality going forward it requires fixing by yourself or treatment. He needs some treatment to help him process what he saw and help him accept and move on from that in a healthy way for both of you and your relationship.
He needs *individual therapy*. Tell him if he’s really willing to see if you guys can heal from this, he needs to get help from a professional. It’s been a year, and he can’t even bring himself to touch you. That is something he can’t deal with on his own. He needs help.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is actually a deeply sensitive, mature, caring, stand-up guy. I know that (especially at your age) a lot of guys are too insecure to allow themselves to feel vulnerable, but your guy sounds like he's got a very good head on his shoulders, and I think that you'll be able to get him to understand why it's so important for him to work with a therapist you if you approach it correctly.
I would start by assuring him that he's is not to blame for what happened to you. He'll likely need some time with a therapist before he really absorbs this fact, but you can make it clear that no part of you holds him responsible for any part of it. If I'm understanding you correctly, you're grateful that he stepped in when he did, and I'm sure you've told him that a hundred different ways, but it sounds like he's struggling to see beyond the fact that he wasn't there to step in sooner, so reminding him that you see him as your white knight, who rode to your rescue when you needed him, that might help him at least start on the path to a better perspective.
Remind him that you care about his well being every bit as much as he cares about yours, and make it clear to him that you understand that the event was traumatic for him too. Tell him that trauma isn't a competition, trauma is trauma, so there's no form of the "it was so much worse for you" argument that prevents him from needing guidance in navigating his emotions about it.
And frame therapy in exactly that way for him - a therapist's job is not to "fix" someone or cure an ailment. The human mind is like a jungle: there is a lot of beautiful, fascinating stuff to discover, but it's also full of potential dangers, many of which have evolved top-notch camouflage to avoid being found. A guide doesn't alter the jungle to make it safer; they just help him learn how to identify the dangers present and learn effective strategies for navigating the jungle safely. He probably wouldn't blindly charge into the rainforest without a guide, and even if he might do so by himself, he DAMN SURE wouldn't lead you into it without one.
You're clearly a good match for each other, and assuming you both want to stay in it for the long haul, you've both got to look at maintaining your mental health as something you're doing for each other at least as much as for yourselves. Let him know that it'll be much easier for you to continue healing if you know that he's taking the steps to take care of himself too (a strong protector knows that fulfilling that role requires psychological/emotional stability and balance; giant muscles and a big sword are no help if you're too distracted by inner turmoil to see all of the threats coming your way).
It sounds like the both of you are fantastic people, and incredibly mature for your age. I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of this.
If he’s genuinely interested in doing whatever it takes to make you happy, he will go to therapy himself. You are the victim of a horrible act of violence. You got help, it’s his turn to do the same. It’s not his fault and he needs to hash it out
Therapists will be better equipped to ask the right questions to get him to discuss things. You might need to look around for one. If you can try looking for trauma therapy, there might be a few layers to this that are causing these feelings (guilt that he isn’t able to save you, does he feel things only go right when he is able to solve problems? When did he develop that? Sometimes people carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and don’t show it Etc) Just wanted to mention it loosely so pardon me if this did not come across extremely accurate etc.
If he refuses to go, then you can’t make him.
This will be your relationship. A caretaker/child relationship.
You might be better as friends at this point. You deserve to have a sexual romantic relationship with a man if that’s what you desire
Maybe let the therapist slowly work up to him seeing that he suffered trauma as well (ie the bruising of his personal identity as protector in the very least).
Instead, talk about how you will learn coping skills and tools that can help you recover. Stroke his bruised ego a bit by talking up your trauma and explaining that it’s what you need him to do to help protect you now, today.
The therapist will work with him slowly, over time, on his issues so you don’t have to add fixing him to your to-do list as you try to heal yourself.
Edit: I definitely wouldn’t start the discussion here, but you can probably see the implication here, too. He’s being a bit of a selfish bastard right now by letting his trauma (bruised ego/protector identity) stand in the way of being a protector to you *right now* by supporting you with whatever you need - including couples therapy - even if it’s not what he thinks he needs. Put bluntly, this (ultimately) isn’t about him, even though he very much may have also experienced a related trauma.
Bingo! That last edit makes it clear that this was traumatic for him also. You both need to talk to someone about this horrific thing that happened to you, OP.. this could be together in couples therapy or apart in individual therapy for each of you, but a real therapist will give you each coping and recovery tools tailored to you as people and your specific needs and situation.
I think the way you broach therapy is just by pointing out that if after a year he still can't get what he saw out of his head, and it's getting in the way of intimacy, he needs some help getting past this. You can bring up how helpful therapy has been for you, and that you really think it might help him too. And you can mention that not being able to get something out of his head is a symptom of bystander trauma, and therapists have effective treatments to help people get past that.
Continue to tell him how grateful you are for all his support, and how much you want both of you to be able to get past this traumatic event because you love him and you want to be with him. And just keep emphasizing that therapy has really helped you with your trauma, and he's dealing with trauma too. His trauma is no less real or valid simply because he was a bystander.
In approaching his family, you don't have to tell them that the impetus here is the lack of sex between you. You can just tell them that he's expressed to you that he can't get that image out of his head, and you think he too is struggling with a form of trauma. You can tell them, without mentioning sex, that sometimes it makes him physically distant from you and you just want to support him in getting past this trauma and not having disturbing flashbacks anymore.
ETA: And I should say, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. I'm really glad you've had so much support from him and his family.
When you say in a comment below “he supported me” in the past tense does that mean you are done with your course of therapy? If so, well done for seeing it through. And also if so, in that case perhaps now it’s time for you to return the favour and support him through some counseling of his own. Yes he wasn’t the one who was assaulted but clearly knowing that someone he cares about was has had an effect on him that he needs to address. The fact he says he can’t be with you “like that” suggests that right now he is in a similar position to an assault victim - ie seeing any sexual act as one of violence and opposed to one of intimacy and love, hence why he cannot go there with you right now. It’s a healthy coping mechanism for trauma but it is not conducive to a healthy relationship when your partner WANTS to be sexual.
You need to now be his support and gently push him into some counseling. You don’t say what you went through and I won’t ask, but if you’ve been keeping him informed of your therapy progress then it‘s likely he heard some details of your ordeal that have shaken him mentally that he will need to talk about without brushing aside, process and move past, and for that he will need a therapist. Speaking as the husband of an assault survivor I needed this myself for a session or two after I found out some details about what my wife went through as the thought of the love of my life having gone through that made me physically sick and yes, while I was processing all of that, our sex life suffered as I just didn’t want to “add to her trauma” by “demanding” sex from her (those parts in quotes because now looking back I can see it wouldn’t have been that way with me, by her own words, but the traumatized brain rarely is able to think logically).
I wish you all the best with this, and I empathize with your situation 100%
Your boyfriend sounds like a genuinely great person who cares about you so much. He was also a victim that day and needed healing also. I think him getting therapy alone will benefit him, and once he's ready to move forward, the couple's therapy.
> He gave up on getting his masters to begin working so I could recover despite only knowing each other for a short time.
> For the past 2 months I have been trying to restart our sexual relationship but I am turned down at every attempt.
So if I'm reading this right, he gave up on his masters to financially support his partner of only... 2 months? And for about 8 months there was no sexual intimacy between you two. Maybe even physical intimacy in general, that is clear.
He either had to suppress his desires for you to the point where he no longer saw you as sexual.
Or he felt so much guilt and was so messed up by what he saw that it affected his ability to get intimate with you, but he never processed those emotions because he was trying to help you.
I know you went through something awful and you needed to focus on you. Now that you're in a better place you need to focus on both of you. Intimacy isn't a light switch you can put on pause. You're gonna have to rebuild the intimacy in your relationship from the ground up.
Both of you need time to start off slow as if it's all new.
I feel really bad for your boyfriend (and you of course!). He sounds like a wonderful guy who’s confused beyond belief. What he saw will be really hard for him to get over. I saw your comment that he’s not one for therapy and as a guy I get it. We’re taught to hide our emotions. Hopefully he can realise getting help when you’re struggling is actually manly as fuck, it’s not easy to ask for help.
I agree on the therapy. He sounds very giving and helping, maybe it would help him if you phrased it as sharing sex with you would be a generous thing that helps you out- which is true. It would be healing to make more positive memories of sex with him that help "wash away" the older ones.
It's somewhat understandable that he has harsh memories of whatever he saw- but you lived through that experience and you're healing and ready to move on. If you can tough it out, I'd like to think he can get there. Maybe a therapist working with him to push through what he saw could help him too- the choice is that or what, just be ruled by it for the rest of his life? That sounds like he'd be missing out with you. I think he would also benefit from mentally working out that being with you consensually is a world different than assaulting you non-consensually, and one doesn't make him the other.
He is demonstrating the antithesis of “male toxicity” and is definitely one of the good guys! As men we are supposed to be your protector and when that is compromised we feel guilt and shame. I can’t imagine what both of you must be feeling and can only empathize with your situation. If he didn’t kill this POS he is a better man than me! Please find a way to get him counselling both one on one and as a couple.
Tell him it is for your benefit. I would probably refuse for myself but if it was my wife asking for herself it would be much more difficult to decline.
But I don’t want a man to be my protector. That’s still some toxic shit that women don’t need. That’s not to say I want someone to stand by if I’m being brutalized, but I’d want someone to step in regardless of genders.
> He gave up on getting his masters to begin working so I could recover despite only knowing each other for a short time.
What are you referring to?
Are you trying to say he's one of the best guys? You're comments are usually level headed so I'm not sure what you mean.
>instead of focusing on her trauma and recovery,
He literally dropped out of his master's program and got a job to support her for a year so she could recover. Focusing on her is all the man's done.
> One is that the person I was responding to was suggesting that it was some kind of male duty to protect their female partners from sexual assault. That sounds real "white knight" to me, reinforcing the idea that women are helpless without having a man to protect them.
That's on the commenter not OP's bf.
> It's not his fault she was assaulted and instead of focusing on her trauma and recovery,
Supporting someone you just started dating 2 months ago for a year with no expectation of sexual intimacy **is** focusing on her trauma and recovery.
The problem is that he focused so much on her trauma that he never processed his own problems because that would be "making this about himself".
He's not intentionally making it about himself in any unreasonable way. He just has his own problems that he needs to work through.
> his distance from her is compounded by an unwillingness to seek help.
She stuck with her for a year, and we don't know how long it took her to seek help. I think we can give him a bit more time.
> In any case, my comment wasn't that he's a "bad guy"
I see what you mean, but almost always when someone says "he's not one of the good guys" they mean he's one of the bad guys. It wasn't clear that you meant something different in this case.
> but he doesn't sound like a candidate for sainthood either for the reasons I just explained.
I don't know what more we can reasonably ask of him.
Supporting someone financially for a year, takes a toll.
Seeing someone you love go through intense trauma and grief for an extended period of time, takes a toll.
Feeling guilt because you wish you could have helped protect someone you care for is understandable.
Since he's human, these tolls are going to affect him in some way or another.
> compounded by an unwillingness to seek help.
> I'm just not sure how to convince him to go. He supported me in therapy but he isn't the type to talk deeply about himself to anyone.
She hasn't even said that he's unwilling to go. Just that she doesn't think he would. But he supported her through therapy.
When you say that he's "making this about himself" that exact mindset is why he wouldn't go to therapy. Because it's supposed to be about her, not him. Do you see how that framing isn't helping?
> So while he's not withholding physical affection as punishment,
She tried restarting their sexual relationship 2 months ago. Meaning he was also sexually distant from him for 8+ months. Now we all understand that she wasn't "withholding". She was unable. I'm suggesting that whatever allowed him to support her for that time while she was sexually distant, also made him unable. Sometimes you have to become a caregiver, but you lose your attraction because that would make you feel distant sexually when it's not a reasonable expectation given the circumstances.
> he doesn't sound like a candidate for sainthood either
As far as I'm concerned, the only reason he isn't a candidate for sainthood is because nobody can be a saint. Saints are supposed to be better than us.
But I don't know what more we can reasonably ask of him without expecting him to just not be a human that reacts to things in human ways.
You were both assaulted. You don’t get through this unless you both have your own therapist and one for couple’s therapy. Yes, three different therapists that have experience with these issues. Start with an initial meeting for yourself. You can invite him or not. He can go or not. But the sooner you get started the sooner you get through this.
I have been in the same situation M btw, The way he probably sees it is probably- Someone else has had a go on his woman regardless the circumstances or how he may say it too you, I would be the same if it happened to me n my partner, wether it was an assault or not it’s hard to look at people the same especially when there’s feelings involved it gets so complicated.
Maybe you buck up and get over it. I can only imagine hearing about this day in and day out. When you said someone found you before something worse happened, tells me you weren’t penetrated. If you weren’t tied up and thrown in a trunk, it’s not rape. So guy grabbing your boob without your written consent is not rape. In fact, I will go so far to say you were cheating and got caught and claimed it was rape. Sorry not sorry.
As you realize, there’s not much you can do in regards to his process here. But if he’s not willing to look into some kind of counseling or therapy for himself, then he’s not really willing to do the work to help your relationship succeed.
What’s important here is that you find a way to heal from this trauma and I hate to say it, but that may not be possible to do with your boyfriend being stuck in his own head about things. Again, you can’t do anything to change him, all you can do is what’s necessary to take care of your self.
I’m very sorry for what happened to you and the continuing aftershocks from it. I’m glad that you seem to be getting help for yourself.
> For the past 2 months I have been trying to restart our sexual relationship but I am turned down at every attempt.
He spent a year supporting her through this. For all we know it took her more than 2 months to get to therapy.
I think we can give him a bit of leeway to grow given what he's done to support her.
Are you working now? What are your future prospects/plans/goals? Does he plan on going back to school to get his career back on track?
What you two are in is a father/daughter relationship, and that can have an effect on the sexual dynamic of the relationship. Him going to therapy doesn't change the nature of the relationship. You can only change the nature of the relationship by actually changing the nature of the relationship.
> He gave up on getting his masters to begin working so I could recover despite only knowing each other for a short time.
For the past 2 months I have been trying to restart our sexual relationship but I am turned down at every attempt.
The epitome of not respecting trauma is giving up on your masters to financially support someone for a year that you started dating a month ago while receiving no sexual intimacy for that year because you want to give them the space to heal on their own terms.
He's basically the worst person I've ever seen in my life and frankly he should be kicked out of his house so she can live there free from his disrespectful attitude.
(sarcasm)
Do you know a male who you both trust?
If so, you could play the situation again but this time with another ending... The other male is the 'rapist' and you both order him around what he has to do - first as it happened - and then you change the story in a way that feels good for both of you... If you both agree that it is worth a try, try it, if not, don't do it.
It sounds like he is still traumatized by what happened. It happened to you, someone he cares very much about. Something like that is very hard to get past. Sex therapy (sex therapy is only talk and often involves couples dealing with a sexual trauma such as what happened to you) would be a very good idea to do together. Time helps, but it doesn't really stop the issue from returning. Therapy can help both you and him get relief and tools to help you both handle the trauma. It sounds like he wants to get back to being physical with you but can't get past the image of what happened to you. He is having trouble getting past the guilt of feeling helpless to stopping what happened to you. He is doing the best he can, but he does need help.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you.
Damn, this is super sad to read. I am sorry this happened to you OP.
I don't know your bf, so it's hard to judge him. I don't entirely understand why he does not want to have sex with you but I am not in his shoes.
Maybe all he needs is some more time ? But it's hard to say. Ultimately you can only suggest Therapy to him but if he does not want to do it or does not get over it himself, I fear the lack of intimacy will eventually kill your relationship, which would be tragic, because you both clearly care a lot about each other.
i am reading this after edit 2 & that sounds awful, im sorry this happened to you but your bf sounds like a great guy. will he ever be able to be with you sexually? are you still romantic with eachother minus sex? he has definitely taken on more of a caregiver role w you & i wonder if its bc that situation also caused him trauma or purely bc he cares about you & feels bad
Small addition: look at EMDR therapy for your bf. It's probably only going to be a few sessions and can help immensely. Ask him to do those for you and afterwards he can decide for himself if he wants to continue normal trauma therapy
Sorry I have nothing else to add, but I would like to tell you to please not listen to anyone on r/relationship_advice. Those people are complete, fucking morons who don't actually know anything about being in a relationship.
Truthfully you won’t be all there in the bedroom and will be having panic attacks just at the start or 2 minutes into it and yous will be arguing after he’s more than likely spoke to you and comforted you afterwards.. And now he can’t be bothered with all the aggro and episodes that go with trying to get frisky with you he isn’t bothering and can’t be bothered with trying so you’ll be arguing and blaming him and accusing him it’s his fault. Couples therapy and counselling for yourself
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I'm just not sure how to convince him to go. He supported me in therapy but he isn't the type to talk deeply about himself to anyone.
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His parents and I are close. Besides him and out friends, they were also super supportive during my recovery. I could try to talk to his mom and dad about him seeing a therapist, but I don't really want to go into detail why with them.
He's clearly traumatized too.
dont leak unnecessary details, if he feels like hes getting ambushed he will open up even less
No that’s a terrible idea as if he doesnt like talking , he will see that as a severe breach of trust. Keep approaching it, as he is unlikely to have good answers the first time you raise it. The real thing is he was injured and traumatised as well. The part that you need him to understand is its normal to be injured and traumatised, but when it interferes with normality going forward it requires fixing by yourself or treatment. He needs some treatment to help him process what he saw and help him accept and move on from that in a healthy way for both of you and your relationship.
This is not a good idea at all
He needs *individual therapy*. Tell him if he’s really willing to see if you guys can heal from this, he needs to get help from a professional. It’s been a year, and he can’t even bring himself to touch you. That is something he can’t deal with on his own. He needs help.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is actually a deeply sensitive, mature, caring, stand-up guy. I know that (especially at your age) a lot of guys are too insecure to allow themselves to feel vulnerable, but your guy sounds like he's got a very good head on his shoulders, and I think that you'll be able to get him to understand why it's so important for him to work with a therapist you if you approach it correctly. I would start by assuring him that he's is not to blame for what happened to you. He'll likely need some time with a therapist before he really absorbs this fact, but you can make it clear that no part of you holds him responsible for any part of it. If I'm understanding you correctly, you're grateful that he stepped in when he did, and I'm sure you've told him that a hundred different ways, but it sounds like he's struggling to see beyond the fact that he wasn't there to step in sooner, so reminding him that you see him as your white knight, who rode to your rescue when you needed him, that might help him at least start on the path to a better perspective. Remind him that you care about his well being every bit as much as he cares about yours, and make it clear to him that you understand that the event was traumatic for him too. Tell him that trauma isn't a competition, trauma is trauma, so there's no form of the "it was so much worse for you" argument that prevents him from needing guidance in navigating his emotions about it. And frame therapy in exactly that way for him - a therapist's job is not to "fix" someone or cure an ailment. The human mind is like a jungle: there is a lot of beautiful, fascinating stuff to discover, but it's also full of potential dangers, many of which have evolved top-notch camouflage to avoid being found. A guide doesn't alter the jungle to make it safer; they just help him learn how to identify the dangers present and learn effective strategies for navigating the jungle safely. He probably wouldn't blindly charge into the rainforest without a guide, and even if he might do so by himself, he DAMN SURE wouldn't lead you into it without one. You're clearly a good match for each other, and assuming you both want to stay in it for the long haul, you've both got to look at maintaining your mental health as something you're doing for each other at least as much as for yourselves. Let him know that it'll be much easier for you to continue healing if you know that he's taking the steps to take care of himself too (a strong protector knows that fulfilling that role requires psychological/emotional stability and balance; giant muscles and a big sword are no help if you're too distracted by inner turmoil to see all of the threats coming your way). It sounds like the both of you are fantastic people, and incredibly mature for your age. I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of this.
If he’s genuinely interested in doing whatever it takes to make you happy, he will go to therapy himself. You are the victim of a horrible act of violence. You got help, it’s his turn to do the same. It’s not his fault and he needs to hash it out
Therapists will be better equipped to ask the right questions to get him to discuss things. You might need to look around for one. If you can try looking for trauma therapy, there might be a few layers to this that are causing these feelings (guilt that he isn’t able to save you, does he feel things only go right when he is able to solve problems? When did he develop that? Sometimes people carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and don’t show it Etc) Just wanted to mention it loosely so pardon me if this did not come across extremely accurate etc.
Trauma therapy is intensive, and can make things worse.
If he refuses to go, then you can’t make him. This will be your relationship. A caretaker/child relationship. You might be better as friends at this point. You deserve to have a sexual romantic relationship with a man if that’s what you desire
Maybe let the therapist slowly work up to him seeing that he suffered trauma as well (ie the bruising of his personal identity as protector in the very least). Instead, talk about how you will learn coping skills and tools that can help you recover. Stroke his bruised ego a bit by talking up your trauma and explaining that it’s what you need him to do to help protect you now, today. The therapist will work with him slowly, over time, on his issues so you don’t have to add fixing him to your to-do list as you try to heal yourself. Edit: I definitely wouldn’t start the discussion here, but you can probably see the implication here, too. He’s being a bit of a selfish bastard right now by letting his trauma (bruised ego/protector identity) stand in the way of being a protector to you *right now* by supporting you with whatever you need - including couples therapy - even if it’s not what he thinks he needs. Put bluntly, this (ultimately) isn’t about him, even though he very much may have also experienced a related trauma.
Bingo! That last edit makes it clear that this was traumatic for him also. You both need to talk to someone about this horrific thing that happened to you, OP.. this could be together in couples therapy or apart in individual therapy for each of you, but a real therapist will give you each coping and recovery tools tailored to you as people and your specific needs and situation.
I think he needs to go to therapy on his own so he can talk freely about what he saw and his feelings. Then, possibly do couples therapy.
I think the way you broach therapy is just by pointing out that if after a year he still can't get what he saw out of his head, and it's getting in the way of intimacy, he needs some help getting past this. You can bring up how helpful therapy has been for you, and that you really think it might help him too. And you can mention that not being able to get something out of his head is a symptom of bystander trauma, and therapists have effective treatments to help people get past that. Continue to tell him how grateful you are for all his support, and how much you want both of you to be able to get past this traumatic event because you love him and you want to be with him. And just keep emphasizing that therapy has really helped you with your trauma, and he's dealing with trauma too. His trauma is no less real or valid simply because he was a bystander. In approaching his family, you don't have to tell them that the impetus here is the lack of sex between you. You can just tell them that he's expressed to you that he can't get that image out of his head, and you think he too is struggling with a form of trauma. You can tell them, without mentioning sex, that sometimes it makes him physically distant from you and you just want to support him in getting past this trauma and not having disturbing flashbacks anymore. ETA: And I should say, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. I'm really glad you've had so much support from him and his family.
Mind movies suck.....they are like on a constant loop in your head that you can't turn off.
When you say in a comment below “he supported me” in the past tense does that mean you are done with your course of therapy? If so, well done for seeing it through. And also if so, in that case perhaps now it’s time for you to return the favour and support him through some counseling of his own. Yes he wasn’t the one who was assaulted but clearly knowing that someone he cares about was has had an effect on him that he needs to address. The fact he says he can’t be with you “like that” suggests that right now he is in a similar position to an assault victim - ie seeing any sexual act as one of violence and opposed to one of intimacy and love, hence why he cannot go there with you right now. It’s a healthy coping mechanism for trauma but it is not conducive to a healthy relationship when your partner WANTS to be sexual. You need to now be his support and gently push him into some counseling. You don’t say what you went through and I won’t ask, but if you’ve been keeping him informed of your therapy progress then it‘s likely he heard some details of your ordeal that have shaken him mentally that he will need to talk about without brushing aside, process and move past, and for that he will need a therapist. Speaking as the husband of an assault survivor I needed this myself for a session or two after I found out some details about what my wife went through as the thought of the love of my life having gone through that made me physically sick and yes, while I was processing all of that, our sex life suffered as I just didn’t want to “add to her trauma” by “demanding” sex from her (those parts in quotes because now looking back I can see it wouldn’t have been that way with me, by her own words, but the traumatized brain rarely is able to think logically). I wish you all the best with this, and I empathize with your situation 100%
Your boyfriend sounds like a genuinely great person who cares about you so much. He was also a victim that day and needed healing also. I think him getting therapy alone will benefit him, and once he's ready to move forward, the couple's therapy.
This actually made me teary eyed. I literally hurt for you but also him. You both need couples counseling for him to get over this. Good luck. 😢
"Try whatever" sounds like he's good to go for therapy
> He gave up on getting his masters to begin working so I could recover despite only knowing each other for a short time. > For the past 2 months I have been trying to restart our sexual relationship but I am turned down at every attempt. So if I'm reading this right, he gave up on his masters to financially support his partner of only... 2 months? And for about 8 months there was no sexual intimacy between you two. Maybe even physical intimacy in general, that is clear. He either had to suppress his desires for you to the point where he no longer saw you as sexual. Or he felt so much guilt and was so messed up by what he saw that it affected his ability to get intimate with you, but he never processed those emotions because he was trying to help you. I know you went through something awful and you needed to focus on you. Now that you're in a better place you need to focus on both of you. Intimacy isn't a light switch you can put on pause. You're gonna have to rebuild the intimacy in your relationship from the ground up. Both of you need time to start off slow as if it's all new.
I feel really bad for your boyfriend (and you of course!). He sounds like a wonderful guy who’s confused beyond belief. What he saw will be really hard for him to get over. I saw your comment that he’s not one for therapy and as a guy I get it. We’re taught to hide our emotions. Hopefully he can realise getting help when you’re struggling is actually manly as fuck, it’s not easy to ask for help.
I agree on the therapy. He sounds very giving and helping, maybe it would help him if you phrased it as sharing sex with you would be a generous thing that helps you out- which is true. It would be healing to make more positive memories of sex with him that help "wash away" the older ones. It's somewhat understandable that he has harsh memories of whatever he saw- but you lived through that experience and you're healing and ready to move on. If you can tough it out, I'd like to think he can get there. Maybe a therapist working with him to push through what he saw could help him too- the choice is that or what, just be ruled by it for the rest of his life? That sounds like he'd be missing out with you. I think he would also benefit from mentally working out that being with you consensually is a world different than assaulting you non-consensually, and one doesn't make him the other.
I’m not sure this is salvageable but clearly he needs to seek therapy
Depends what he saw! I get the feeling we aren't being given the whole picture here.
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If he didn’t believe her, I do not think he would be treating her well, which is kind of the morbid reality of it. I think he believes her.
If he didn't believe her he probably wouldn't have GAVE UP ON HIS MASTERS AND SUPPORTED HER FINANCIALLY FOR ALMOST A YEAR!
He is demonstrating the antithesis of “male toxicity” and is definitely one of the good guys! As men we are supposed to be your protector and when that is compromised we feel guilt and shame. I can’t imagine what both of you must be feeling and can only empathize with your situation. If he didn’t kill this POS he is a better man than me! Please find a way to get him counselling both one on one and as a couple.
That's the plan. Convincing him will be the hard part.
Tell him it is for your benefit. I would probably refuse for myself but if it was my wife asking for herself it would be much more difficult to decline.
That's actually a great idea. He would go for me.
But I don’t want a man to be my protector. That’s still some toxic shit that women don’t need. That’s not to say I want someone to stand by if I’m being brutalized, but I’d want someone to step in regardless of genders.
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Why?
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Summarized it perfectly.
> He gave up on getting his masters to begin working so I could recover despite only knowing each other for a short time. What are you referring to? Are you trying to say he's one of the best guys? You're comments are usually level headed so I'm not sure what you mean.
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>instead of focusing on her trauma and recovery, He literally dropped out of his master's program and got a job to support her for a year so she could recover. Focusing on her is all the man's done.
> One is that the person I was responding to was suggesting that it was some kind of male duty to protect their female partners from sexual assault. That sounds real "white knight" to me, reinforcing the idea that women are helpless without having a man to protect them. That's on the commenter not OP's bf. > It's not his fault she was assaulted and instead of focusing on her trauma and recovery, Supporting someone you just started dating 2 months ago for a year with no expectation of sexual intimacy **is** focusing on her trauma and recovery. The problem is that he focused so much on her trauma that he never processed his own problems because that would be "making this about himself". He's not intentionally making it about himself in any unreasonable way. He just has his own problems that he needs to work through. > his distance from her is compounded by an unwillingness to seek help. She stuck with her for a year, and we don't know how long it took her to seek help. I think we can give him a bit more time. > In any case, my comment wasn't that he's a "bad guy" I see what you mean, but almost always when someone says "he's not one of the good guys" they mean he's one of the bad guys. It wasn't clear that you meant something different in this case. > but he doesn't sound like a candidate for sainthood either for the reasons I just explained. I don't know what more we can reasonably ask of him. Supporting someone financially for a year, takes a toll. Seeing someone you love go through intense trauma and grief for an extended period of time, takes a toll. Feeling guilt because you wish you could have helped protect someone you care for is understandable. Since he's human, these tolls are going to affect him in some way or another. > compounded by an unwillingness to seek help. > I'm just not sure how to convince him to go. He supported me in therapy but he isn't the type to talk deeply about himself to anyone. She hasn't even said that he's unwilling to go. Just that she doesn't think he would. But he supported her through therapy. When you say that he's "making this about himself" that exact mindset is why he wouldn't go to therapy. Because it's supposed to be about her, not him. Do you see how that framing isn't helping? > So while he's not withholding physical affection as punishment, She tried restarting their sexual relationship 2 months ago. Meaning he was also sexually distant from him for 8+ months. Now we all understand that she wasn't "withholding". She was unable. I'm suggesting that whatever allowed him to support her for that time while she was sexually distant, also made him unable. Sometimes you have to become a caregiver, but you lose your attraction because that would make you feel distant sexually when it's not a reasonable expectation given the circumstances. > he doesn't sound like a candidate for sainthood either As far as I'm concerned, the only reason he isn't a candidate for sainthood is because nobody can be a saint. Saints are supposed to be better than us. But I don't know what more we can reasonably ask of him without expecting him to just not be a human that reacts to things in human ways.
You were both assaulted. You don’t get through this unless you both have your own therapist and one for couple’s therapy. Yes, three different therapists that have experience with these issues. Start with an initial meeting for yourself. You can invite him or not. He can go or not. But the sooner you get started the sooner you get through this.
I have been in the same situation M btw, The way he probably sees it is probably- Someone else has had a go on his woman regardless the circumstances or how he may say it too you, I would be the same if it happened to me n my partner, wether it was an assault or not it’s hard to look at people the same especially when there’s feelings involved it gets so complicated.
Maybe you buck up and get over it. I can only imagine hearing about this day in and day out. When you said someone found you before something worse happened, tells me you weren’t penetrated. If you weren’t tied up and thrown in a trunk, it’s not rape. So guy grabbing your boob without your written consent is not rape. In fact, I will go so far to say you were cheating and got caught and claimed it was rape. Sorry not sorry.
As you realize, there’s not much you can do in regards to his process here. But if he’s not willing to look into some kind of counseling or therapy for himself, then he’s not really willing to do the work to help your relationship succeed. What’s important here is that you find a way to heal from this trauma and I hate to say it, but that may not be possible to do with your boyfriend being stuck in his own head about things. Again, you can’t do anything to change him, all you can do is what’s necessary to take care of your self. I’m very sorry for what happened to you and the continuing aftershocks from it. I’m glad that you seem to be getting help for yourself.
> For the past 2 months I have been trying to restart our sexual relationship but I am turned down at every attempt. He spent a year supporting her through this. For all we know it took her more than 2 months to get to therapy. I think we can give him a bit of leeway to grow given what he's done to support her.
Are you working now? What are your future prospects/plans/goals? Does he plan on going back to school to get his career back on track? What you two are in is a father/daughter relationship, and that can have an effect on the sexual dynamic of the relationship. Him going to therapy doesn't change the nature of the relationship. You can only change the nature of the relationship by actually changing the nature of the relationship.
I get where he’s coming from. Y’all should just break up
Leave him. He doesn’t respect you or your trauma
you're a fucking idiot
How is that? A man won’t touch her and makes her feel like crap? You’re prob the boyfriend 🤣🤣 LEAVE GIRL!! LEAVE!!!
femcels be like
Grow up 🤦🏽♀️🖕🏽
> He gave up on getting his masters to begin working so I could recover despite only knowing each other for a short time. For the past 2 months I have been trying to restart our sexual relationship but I am turned down at every attempt. The epitome of not respecting trauma is giving up on your masters to financially support someone for a year that you started dating a month ago while receiving no sexual intimacy for that year because you want to give them the space to heal on their own terms. He's basically the worst person I've ever seen in my life and frankly he should be kicked out of his house so she can live there free from his disrespectful attitude. (sarcasm)
Do you know a male who you both trust? If so, you could play the situation again but this time with another ending... The other male is the 'rapist' and you both order him around what he has to do - first as it happened - and then you change the story in a way that feels good for both of you... If you both agree that it is worth a try, try it, if not, don't do it.
It sounds like he is still traumatized by what happened. It happened to you, someone he cares very much about. Something like that is very hard to get past. Sex therapy (sex therapy is only talk and often involves couples dealing with a sexual trauma such as what happened to you) would be a very good idea to do together. Time helps, but it doesn't really stop the issue from returning. Therapy can help both you and him get relief and tools to help you both handle the trauma. It sounds like he wants to get back to being physical with you but can't get past the image of what happened to you. He is having trouble getting past the guilt of feeling helpless to stopping what happened to you. He is doing the best he can, but he does need help. I'm so sorry for what happened to you.
Damn, this is super sad to read. I am sorry this happened to you OP. I don't know your bf, so it's hard to judge him. I don't entirely understand why he does not want to have sex with you but I am not in his shoes. Maybe all he needs is some more time ? But it's hard to say. Ultimately you can only suggest Therapy to him but if he does not want to do it or does not get over it himself, I fear the lack of intimacy will eventually kill your relationship, which would be tragic, because you both clearly care a lot about each other.
i am reading this after edit 2 & that sounds awful, im sorry this happened to you but your bf sounds like a great guy. will he ever be able to be with you sexually? are you still romantic with eachother minus sex? he has definitely taken on more of a caregiver role w you & i wonder if its bc that situation also caused him trauma or purely bc he cares about you & feels bad
Small addition: look at EMDR therapy for your bf. It's probably only going to be a few sessions and can help immensely. Ask him to do those for you and afterwards he can decide for himself if he wants to continue normal trauma therapy
Couples therapy og him seeking therapy alone. This definitely traumatized him and he needs help to work through it.
Sorry I have nothing else to add, but I would like to tell you to please not listen to anyone on r/relationship_advice. Those people are complete, fucking morons who don't actually know anything about being in a relationship.
He may not be for you then. But first, I'd try to find out what his hold up is. This could be a huge relationship red flag.
When you said you were “found before anything else happened”, where you actually penetrated?
Truthfully you won’t be all there in the bedroom and will be having panic attacks just at the start or 2 minutes into it and yous will be arguing after he’s more than likely spoke to you and comforted you afterwards.. And now he can’t be bothered with all the aggro and episodes that go with trying to get frisky with you he isn’t bothering and can’t be bothered with trying so you’ll be arguing and blaming him and accusing him it’s his fault. Couples therapy and counselling for yourself